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Niall doesn’t like blood; he doesn’t like the sight of it on anyone, especially not on the tan boy. But when Zayn would come into his apartment, bruised and bloody and pass out from the pain, there was no one but Niall to wrap it up for him. Not that he knew of course.
+
Zayn pushed open the door with such force that it almost broke. But he didn’t care. He had his gym bag swung over his shoulder and he spotted the punching bag right in front of him. He smiled a twisted smile before heading into the locker room and changing into his gym clothes.
When he arrived back at the bag, there was a tall, lean and far too clean of a boy leaning against it with blue eyes that flickered with mischief.
“Missed you,” He smiled at the raven-haired boy. He took a step away from the bag and waited for his greeting. He got a grunt in return.
“You know,” Niall said, continuing the one sided conversation, “It’s not easy for me to make this commute every day. Why don’t you ever walk across the hallway of our apartment building and come see me?”
Zayn just shrugged before he walked over to the bag, hitting it as hard as he could. This punch was for Harry who’d torn his heart to shreds, the next was one was for Louis who’d help Harry crumble his heart, the third punch was for Liam who’d broken the band and the forth punch was for Niall who wouldn’t leave him the hell alone. The fifth and every one after that was for himself, for being so stupid and letting himself make such, awful, awful mistakes.
“Punching this bag isn’t really doing any good, now is it?” Niall said as he walked around and stood behind Zayn, “All your problems are still here.”
“No shit Sherlock. But I know a way that I can fix all of them.” He said, rolling his shoulders and turning to Niall with a cold look.
“How?” Niall said, eyes dying down to a dull look. He knew exactly what Zayn would say. It’s the same thing he said every week.
“You could leave.” Zayn snarled before turning back to the bag and punching it. They were getting harder and harder and the noises coming from the bag weren’t sounding all that great.
“Then you’d be alone.”
“That’s what I want.”
“You can’t keep doing this Zayn.” Niall’s voice was wearing thin already. “When was the last time you talked to Harry, or Louis or even Liam?”
“I can’t reach Liam. I don’t know where he is. You know he went haywire after he broke up the band.”
“We all broke the band.” Niall said, tapping the bag and Zayn stopped punching it, looking at him. “He’s back in London, staying in his own flat. Maybe you should stop by.”
“Yeah, maybe after this.”
Niall sighed, knowing that he most likely wouldn’t. “Lying doesn’t make me feel better.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel better.”
“It won’t help yourself, Zayn.”
“Stop.” Zayn said, staring at him, “Just stop.”
“Fine.” Niall said curtly, “You could at least show up at Harry and Louis’s for lunch on Sunday.”
“You still do that?” Zayn snorted.
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t expect you to know. You don’t show up.”
Zayn didn’t reply, instead he walked to the ring and motioned for Edgar to come up and fight with him. Niall turned and walked away, swinging the door open and smiling at the paps that still followed him around.
+
It had been two years since One Direction had broken up. They tried to keep it on the DL for a bit, going on hiatus but someone leaked it and Harry decided to go ahead and tell the world why the band broke up. But even Harry didn’t know all of it so the official story was out there… it went something like this…
Basically, Louis and Harry were in love. They were too scared to come out and management was forcing them down.
That’s what the rest of the world and the paps heard. But the real reason was because…
Liam turned into a raging alcoholic and threw a vodka bottle at Louis’s head one night, after they tried to get the band together and off hiatus. He stormed out of the apartment building and went missing for three months.
That was the end result; all the events in the middle leading up to the big break up went something like this. No one except Zayn, Niall and Liam knew why the brunette turned to the bottle. It was because Liam was in love with Louis. Like full blown in love with him. To make matters worse, Zayn was in love with Harry. But Zayn decided instead of turning to the drink, to become a stoic, cold person. So Liam and Zayn being the smart boys they are, decided to date each other, instead thinking that would cure them of their heartache but it just made it worse.
There was tension between the two couples and it became unbearable. Niall got pushed into the middle and they weren’t really a band anymore. They were HarryandLouis and LiamandZayn while Niall was the middleman. Finally, there was a massive fight when Niall casually pointed out that glaring at each other from across the room wouldn’t help with the song writing and Liam called it quits by smashing a vodka bottle (Niall couldn’t count on one hand how many times he’d helped Liam from the bar or hidden the bottle around the house) against the wall and walking out. He went missing for three months, management saying that he was on vacation when really, no one knew where he was.
To this day, Louis and Harry don’t know why they had a falling out with Zayn and Liam. They both still don’t know that those two were helplessly in love with them.
How thick can you get? Is the only thing running through Niall’s head when Louis or Harry ever bring it up with him.
Of course, the public got what Harry and Louis thought the reason was since shortly before the smashing of the vodka bottle, Zayn and Liam broke up. Everyone decided for the best to leave out the Zayn and Liam relationship because that would leave a lot of loose ends and answers they couldn’t provide.
They, well, Niall found Liam in Australia with a bottle of rum in his hands. The only reason why Niall had found him was because Danielle called him after three months, confessing where they were. She couldn’t handle Liam’s behavior, all the drinking and crying (he did not turn violent). Niall had chased after him and thrown him into Rehab, with the consent of his parents of course. For the rest of the time, Niall settled down in Australia, getting management to make up a story about Liam and making sure no one but the boys knew that he was in rehab. According to everyone, he’d only come back up on the radar a few months ago (he’d just appared from his secluded vacation… he was taking the break up of the band really hard and the girls that still loved them coo’ed at their broken hearted boy) and that’s how everyone wanted to keep it.
Louis and Harry still had their apartment together, not wanting to leave the complex in vein hope that they’d see Zayn in the hallway or elevator but he stays out late until they’re both in bed and leaves earlier than they can image in the morning.
Niall’s a drifter. After living in Australia for a bit before knowing that Liam was in capable hands, he went up to Ireland but was quickly called back down to London when Louis said that he couldn’t get into Zayn’s apartment. He’d changed his keys because he’d had enough of finding notes on his table from Louis or Harry.
Niall came back, sneaking into Zayn’s house and cleaning when he’s away or keeping the fridge stocked. Zayn still doesn’t know its Niall, he just thinks Perrie (who he’d broken up with but was still very, very good friends with and also calls him up on a regular basis to find out how he was) was doing it for him.
In the meantime, he stayed in Louis and Harry’s apartment.
And that’s how One Direction fell apart. Love, the one thing that brought them together, tore them from them seems.
+
“Have you seen Zayn?” Harry asked as Niall took out a coke from the fridge and settled down on the sofa with Louis.
“Yeah, he’s boxing.”
“Always at the ring?” Louis said, surprised as he raised his eyebrow, “Do you think if I go over there he’d punch my face out?”
“Probably, he’s not even happy to see me.” Niall shrugged.
“Well, we are.” Louis smiled and hugged the leprechaun.
“Good, because I’m not leaving for awhile.”
Niall sat down at the couch, stretching out and snapping his fingers at Harry, “Bring me some food, yeah?”
Louis threw on his jacket and said, “Don’t wait up.”
He walked out into the hallway and down the stairs. He spotted Liam getting out of his car and walking towards the building door where Louis was standing.
“Hey,” He said passing by Liam who just smiled and nodded before hurrying inside.
The paps were in the bushes and Louis could hear the clicks of the camera. He frowned before getting into his own car and driving down the road.
+
Louis finally got the address that Niall had texted him after about an hour of driving. He doubted that Zayn was still here but when he saw Zayn’s car there he knew he was still in there.
Louis quickly walked into the building, spotting the raven quiffed boy standing by the office, wrapping his fist. He walked over, holding his arms up.
“Don’t hit me, please!” He joked but Zayn just stared at him like stone. Louis sighed, “So you’re not going to talk to me?”
Zayn snorted and said, “What do you want Louis? Did Niall send you?”
“No, Niall’s about to give up on you.” He said, “I came myself. My own initiative.”
“First time for everything, huh?” Zayn commented, “As for the Niall thing, good. He’s been bothering me.”
“If he didn’t check up on you, we’d never know if you were alive or dead.”
“Just go on the internet. You’d see tons of pictures of my miserable face. But if you were so concerned you could’ve showed up sooner.”
“I tried too!” Louis said impatiently, “But you were never home!”
“You could’ve tried harder.” Zayn deadpanned.
“Why do I have to give all the effort? Why couldn’t you show some concern?” Louis spat back.
“Because,” Zayn said grabbing his gym bag and walking past Louis, “I. Don’t. Care.”
Louis just stood there in the middle of the gym, getting angrier and angrier until he hit the punching bag really hard and heard his fingers crack.
“Damn kid, you’ve got a punch on you.” The manager said, “Care to box for me?”
“Fuck off.” He mumbled as he cradled his hurt hand and thought of how he was going to get home.
He got into his car, slamming his other hand on the steering wheel and calling Harry and Niall to come pick him up.
+
Zayn got back to his apartment to see Liam sitting there.
“How the fuck did you get in?”
“Zayn,” Liam said, smiling, “I know you.”
Zayn slumped down on the sofa and rested his head on Liam’s shoulder. “I miss One Direction. I miss it when it was easy.”
“Me too.”
“When did everything get so complicated?”
“Since our feelings decided to go against our brain. Since when is it heart over head?”
They sat like that for a while and Zayn said, “Are you still in love with Louis?”
“Yup.” There was a pause and then he said, “Are you still in love with Harry?”
“Yup.”
“We’re still fucked.” Liam growled, burying his head into Zayn’s shoulder, “Can we please just cuddle?”
“Yes.” Zayn said as they lay down and Zayn held Liam in his arms. Liam pressed his head against Zayn’s chest and listening to his heartbeat that he missed in rehab.
+
“Liam’s back,” Louis said when all three of them stepped into Louis and Harry’s apartment. Niall just nodded mutely.
“You knew?” Harry asked.
“Liam has been back for awhile.”
“No I mean he’s here. I think he went to see Zayn, I passed him by when I left.”
“Oh.” Niall said, lying down on the couch, “Well, go over and say Hi, yeah? I’m going to sleep so please don’t shag.”
Harry chuckled and said, “No promises, mate.”
+
Harry and Louis knocked on the apartment door. “Zayn I know you’re in there with Liam. C’mon mate, open the door.”
Zayn looked at Liam who shook his head no. Zayn continued to look at Liam before getting up slowly. “You have to face them some time.”
“I know, but not today. Zayn please not today.” Zayn just opened the door and said to the two of them,
“You have five minutes before I throw you out.”
Louis and Harry walked into the apartment, Harry scooping up Liam and hugged him tightly.
“Li, I’ve missed you so much. Never do that to me ever again.” He kissed his cheek before Louis hugged him.
“Li…don’t leave us ever again. You need to come over and we need to talk about everything you’ve missed.”
Liam chuckled but Zayn could see the transparency of it. But apparently Louis and Harry couldn’t because they kept making plans that Zayn knew that he’d just end up cancelling on. He knew Liam all too well.
“Where’s Niall?” Zayn said.
“Why are you suddenly interested?” Louis poked Zayn’s cheek.
“What happened to your hand? No he’s always inserting his nose where he doesn’t belong so I thought he’d be heading this mob.”
“Since when did we become a mob? And he’s sleeping, taking a page out of the Zayn book.” Harry said, “Louis punched the punching bag and broke two fingers.”
“Good job,” Zayn smirked, “That’s what you get for trying to box without know how too.”
“Shut the fuck up, Zayn.” Louis scowled but Liam just took his Louis’s hand in his and kissed each knuckle. He’d always do that when someone got hurt pretending that it was that kiss your mum would always give you and they’d stop hurting. Harry smiled with fondness and Zayn smiled a bit at the sight.
For a second, it felt like One Direction didn’t end. But then they snapped to reality and Zayn’s frown appeared back on his face. He trudged to his room without saying a word and slammed the door shut before flopping down on his bed. He knew Liam would join him later and they’d do nothing but cuddle and cry.
+
“What I don’t understand is…” Liam started when they were standing across the island in the Zayn’s kitchen and eating cereal, “Is why are you pushing Niall away?”
“Because he’s being nosy and trying to fix us. I think he wants us to be a band again and I just can’t… do that so. I don’t think I can ever be in the same room as those two without wanting to rip Louis apart. I mean, look what he did to you.”
“To be fair, he didn’t know. And it isn’t fair that you’re taking out all your anger on Niall. He doesn’t want to be band again, he just wants everything to be okay between us.”
“But why? It’s not like we need to see each other.”
“We all live in the same complex. Zayn, these boys have been your friends for a significant part of your life. They’ve seen you at your worse and at your best. This isn’t fair is it?”
“And you going haywire is? Liam Jesus, you almost killed yourself multiple times. You went missing for days on end. Then you left for three months without telling anyone. Do you understand how worried we were? That wasn’t fair Liam, so you can’t exactly preach to me. Especially since your reason is about three feet away.” He paused, “Maybe I should move out.”
“Yes, but you hate Louis for something you shouldn’t. If anyone should hate him, it’s me don’t you think?” Liam gave him a look.
Zayn just grumbled and said, “Finish your cereal, I’m going to the gym.”
“Zayn, don’t push me away.” The other boy begged.
“Then don’t make me.”
+
Niall walked into the apartment after he shaved and showered just to see Liam sitting on the couch.
“Hey mate, Zayn’s at the gym…” His brow furrowed, “But you already knew that. Why are you here?”
“Ah, well, don’t tell Zayn but the only reason this place hasn’t gone to hell is because of me.” Niall laughed and Liam smiled, “But since you’re back, I guess you’ll take care of it.”
“Oh, Ni, we aren’t… we aren’t dating. I just spent the night and I’m spending the day here too.”
“He hasn’t gotten sick of you yet? Lucky.” Niall smiled.
“He hasn’t gotten sick of you… he’s just…” Liam sighed, “Sorry.”
“Nah, it’s alright. He’s got his reason that he’d never say but I’m used to it. It’s Zayn, after all.” He got up and when he was about to leave he said, “By the way, that’s exactly what you said before you two suddenly started dating last time.”
“I promise it’s nothing like that!” Liam screamed after him but Niall just laughed and went back into Louis and Harry’s apartment. He knew himself down on the couch, frowning as he hugged a pillow and fell back asleep.
+
Zayn was having a peaceful time at the gym when he looked at the clock. It was five already and Niall still hadn’t shown up.
“Where he is…” Zayn wondered but then he remembered, he didn’t care. But… he kind of did.
He took of his gloves and Edgar called over to him, “Calling it quits already? No fight.”
Zayn shook his head before he put his gloves away and got his bag and headed out the door. He got into his car, considering running over the stupid paps that continued to follow him around. Then he remembered that he’d go to jail so he carefully got out of the parking lot and drove home.
He trudged up the stairs to the apartment and threw open the door. Liam was sitting there with a bowl of popcorn and a beer. The Bradford boy raised an eyebrow at the alcohol and Liam said,
“Don’t worry, I’m all good. I justhadone I promise.” But Zayn could see that he was trying really hard to keep it together and some of words were slurred together. He didn’t know how much he’d drunk but it had to be a fair amount.
“So if I check the garbage there won’t be anything?”
“Nothing.” Liam smiled but when Zayn opened the recycling bin downstairs that was his and he saw the beer cans.
“Fucking hell Liam.” He basically flew up the stairs but when he got upstairs, Liam was sleeping so he moved the Wolverhampton boy to the guest room and walked out of the apartment. He was about to knock on Louis and Harry’s door when Niall came bursting out and grabbed him by the collar.
“I need to get out of there, they’re shagging.” Niall said as he walked down the stairs and Zayn followed him. When he got to the parking lot, he stopped and said, “Are you following me?”
“Can I come with you?” Zayn asked slightly timidly.
Niall just looked at him before breaking out in a grin, “Did you miss me?”
“Liam’s lying to me and I don’t think I can stay in that apartment anymore.”
“Ah, so, I’m going to see a film is that okay?”
“Yeah that’s fine.” They got into Niall’s car and he started to drive. He hummed some shitty Justin Bieber songs under his breathe but loud enough for Zayn to hear. Zayn didn’t say anything but threw a look at Niall who just laughed and carried on humming.
When they got to the cinema, Niall got out and opened Zayn’s door for him.
“Are we on a date?”
“Nah, I thought I’d give the paps something since they’d been following me around all day and I’m pretty sure those pictures of me on the couch won’t feed their families.”
Zayn just looked at him and said, “Don’t you hate them?”
“It’s not their fault if they got stuck with a crappy job.” He shrugged, “If they have families I want them to be fed.”
Zayn just smiled at Niall and took his hand in his as they walked to the cinema. “I think I know what tomorrow’s headline will be.”
“Has Zayn fully gotten over Liam? Or is Niall his rebound?” Niall mocked.
Zayn laughed for the first time in months before saying, “You wouldn’t. You know,”
“Hm?” He said, as he was too busy picking out what to eat.
“You wouldn’t be my rebound…” He said softly and when Zayn looked away Niall smiled at him.
“Pay for food?”
“Sure.” He said, taking out his wallet as Niall went over to grab the tickets from the cashier.
They walked through, the usher looking surprised at the two boys. Niall could hear what he was thinking, why were they here when they could’ve just as easily have rented out a movie theater for themselves? Yet they were sitting with the general public, in the back hoping not to be noticed so that they could enjoy the movie in peace.
But of course, that was not the case. Every time someone got up from his or her seat to go to the bathroom, they’d spot the two and ask for a picture. By the end of the movie, Niall wasn’t sure exactly what had happened and Zayn was pretty sure he was going to kill someone if he had to get up from a chair ever again.
Niall drove home silently while Zayn fiddled with the radio trying to find a station that wasn’t playing pop. They passed a couple of their songs which took them back to a state of nostalgia and Zayn left the radio on to They don’t know about us. It wasn’t a usual radio song but since the band had split up, the radio had taken to playing any and every song of theirs. It was annoying.
When they got to the parking garage where Niall kept his car, Zayn turned off the radio and said,
“Thank you.”
Niall just smiled and said, “You’re welcome. Wasn’t much of a movie, I think we’re going to have to rent it when it comes out, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Zayn said as he got out of the car. Niall got out of his side and pouted.
“You didn’t let me get your door.” He joked and Zayn just laughed.
Maybe Liam was right. Maybe Niall wasn’t trying to fix the band to get back together to play music but maybe he just wanted to fix the band so that they could be the family they were. He admired his determination and his thought but he knew the only person that would get hurt would be Niall when he realized that that wasn’t a possibility. They were all too far-gone to ever be fixed.
They walked up the stairs together, again in silence, not needing any words. Niall turned to Harry’s and Louis’s flat when Zayn hesitated and said, “Good night, Niall.”
“Good night, Zayn.” Niall said back, just as cheerily as he said in the car before unlocking the door. Zayn did the same and they both stepped into the respective living rooms before closing the door behind them.
Zayn couldn’t help but feel a little sad as he padded into his room. He checked on Liam who was still fast asleep with a little crease on his forehead. He took out his phone and dialed Perrie’s number. He hadn’t talked to her in a while and he was missing his blond, female friend.
“Hi,” She said as she picked up the phone.
“You’re not busy right?”
“Nah, I just got back from an interview. I’m free for an hour, what’s up Hun?”
“Nothing, just wanted to talk to you.”
Perrie laughed on the other end, “You were never one with words unless you were writing. I highly doubt you called up for the latest gossip. Something on your mind?”
There were a lot of things of Zayn’s mind but nothing that he could form into words so he just shook his head, forgetting Perrie couldn’t see him and stayed silent.
“Well then… I guess I’m going to have to fill this awkward silence aren’t I?”
“Yes…” Zayn said as he listened to her melodic voice.
+
Zayn woke up next morning later than usual. He stumped into the kitchen to see a note there.
Zayn, sorry for taking off so early and without a goodbye. I just didn’t want to wake you, you looked tired and I don’t know when you got in because I was so tired and already asleep. I’m going home for a bit, I hope you’ll be okay. I’ve left a note for Niall to take care of you, so I know you’ll be okay.
Thanks for everything,
Liam.
He scrunched up the note and threw it in the garbage. He grabbed his coat and he banged on Louis and Harry’s door. A tired, red-eyed Harry opened the door and growled,
“What?”
“Niall here?”
“No, he just left. He’s going back to Ireland.”
“Liam said…” He trailed off before shaking his head.
“What did Liam say?” Harry asked curiously. Zayn just turned around and dialed his phone but only got Niall’s voicemail.
“He’s definitely on the plane already.”
“When did he book his ticket?” Zayn asked Harry.
“Um, yesterday I think. After he talked to Liam.”
Zayn just nodded and Harry said, “Why are you suddenly so worried about Niall? I thought he was an insufferable prick you couldn’t wait to get rid of?”
Zayn just looked at him for a second before shaking his head, “I dunno. Just… Liam left a cryptic message and I couldn’t help but feel that Niall would know.”
“What did it say?”
“That he’s going to see his parents.”
Harry snorted, “That doesn’t seem so cryptic to me.”
“He drank last night. A lot while I was away.” Zayn said and Harry paled; “Now you see my concern.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“No mate, I’ve got to find him.”
“Zayn, you can’t do everything by yourself. You’ve got to let someone in eventually.”
“I did that Harry, and they took my heart and ripped it apart.” He looked him dead in the eye.
“So why are you chasing after him then?” He asked softly, thinking it was Liam but Zayn shook his head.
“It wasn’t Liam,” And just as Harry was about to say ‘Perrie’ he cut in and said, “It wasn’t Perrie either.”
Then he turned on one heel and ran down the stairs.
+
Niall boarded the airplane knowing that his boys would be in good hands. Liam and Zayn had each other to help heal their hearts, Louis and Harry had each other to keep their love flourishing, now it was time for Niall to do some mending of his own.
He’d been moving for the past two years, keeping everyone in check that he just needed to slow down. No one bothered about him, he didn’t mind that none of boys noticed how he was feeling or anything, they were all too wrapped up in their own drama to pay attention to Niall. It worked in his favour since his problems would just probably throw a wrench in everything and no one needed more fucked up drama to deal with.
He was good with being on his own, he’d done it for so long before One Direction, being the only musically gifted and the biggest dreamer, he was mostly considered a vision-ist in school and a outsider in his family. And something those two things always required was a smiling, happy boy. If they ever saw him down… well, that wasn’t who he was supposed to be. So instead he kept his head held high and never let any tears fall down his cheeks… in public. He needed to be strong for everyone then and now he needed to be strong for the boys. But at this moment, he needed to be strong for himself. This was his time.
Niall sat in the comfy, first class chair, taking out his iPhone and putting on a calming playlist he’d made before he’d left last night. He smiled and thought about how happy Zayn was to be with him for once. He thought it was a good note to leave on.
He’d miss them, the raven the most but he needed to get back to his mother who’d been yelling at him for not coming home once since the band broke up.
He closed his eyes and pictured himself floating on the clouds as he drifted off to sleep.
+
When Niall arrived in Ireland, he turned his phone back on to call his brother who was supposed to be picking him up.
What he saw on the phone was 10 missed calls from Zayn, 5 from Liam and 2 from Harry and Louis. He listened to Liam’s one voicemail first.
“Hey Nialler. I didn’t see you in the apartment this morning so I assumed you’re out getting breakfast or something for Zayn. But um, yeah, so I’m leaving. I told Zayn I’m going home but quiet honestly, I don’t know where I’m going. I just… I just need to get out. I can’t deal with all of this. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful. I always am. Love you, Li.”
Niall rolled his eyes. Damn right Liam better be careful. Then he called Zayn.
“What’s with all the missed calls?”
“Liam’s not in Wolverhampton with his mum. I don’t know where he is, do you have any clue?”
“He called me and said that he’d take care of himself, Zayn he’s a big boy he can handle himself.”
“Like last time, Niall?” Zayn spat into the phone, “He was fucking passed out on my couch when I left for the movie with you. He drank so much that he was barely awake when I came home… just awake to lie to me about the beer and then pass out and flake.” Niall feel Zayn’s anger radiating off of him through the phone.
“Jesus Christ Zayn!” Niall threw his hands up in the middle of the airport before flipping off the paps whose cameras were going crazy. He grabbed his bag from the caracole and went back to the counter, “And you can’t deal with this yourself?” He spat as he handed his ID and information to the lady at the desk. He snapped the phone shut and said, “I need a one way ticket to London please.”
She booked the next flight for him and he called his brother.
“I’m sorry,” He said to his mum, “I have to go back and fix it.”
“But why? Aren’t these boys old enough to deal with it themselves? Niall you can’t fix everyone while you’re hurting too.” She said but he shook his head.
“I can try.”
“You’re going to get hurt.”
“My pain will be everyone’s gain. At least they’ll be happy.”
“Niall…” She said but he shook his head stubbornly, knowing fully well what she was saying.
“I can’t mum. I just… it’s just better this way.”
“It’s not. Come home and think about this.”
“I have a whole flight to think. Love you mum, we’re boarding.” He ended the call before getting back on the plane to London.
+
He met Zayn at the airport, basically shoving the bag in his hands. He got into the driving side and started up the car.
“What?” Zayn said.
“You may have dated him but I know where he’d go.” Niall said as he hit the gas pedal hard so that Zayn would jerk forward. He hit his head on the window and said,
“Ouch. Twat.”
Niall just smirked, that made him feel a bit better as he took off, out of London.
+
He drove for two hours, refusing to talk to Zayn every time Zayn tried to initiate conversation.
They sat in silence, Zayn getting more and more nervous as to why the Irish boy was so eerily quiet. He knew that they didn’t get off the phone in a good way and that made him uneasy as he waited for Niall’s flight to come in.
“Niall… what’s wrong?” He tried after about 1 and half hours of driving.
Niall sighed and said, “You wouldn’t care if I told you.”
“You know I would. I always care about you.”
Niall snorted, “That’s rich. About forty-eight hours ago you couldn’t care less if I died.”
“No. I would care if you died.”
“Really? Then why’d you act like a cold, heartless bastard?”
“Niall…”
“No, you know what Zayn, screw you man.” Niall was starting to get angry, “I have to deal with all this shit for so long. The one time I go home to sort out my own issues and I get called back right in the middle of it. And now suddenly you’re acting like you give a shit.” Now Niall was on a rant and as much as his brain told him to shut the fuck up before he says something he regrets, his mouth just kept on moving.
“Oh poor Liam’s always in fucking danger. If everyone in this goddamn band were honest with each other, then maybe this wouldn’t be happening? Maybe we’d all be living separate and happy lives. But no, we’re clumped together and unhappy.”
Now Zayn was starting to get agitated and when he got agitated, he got angry, “You’re the one trying to piece us back together. If you didn’t want that, why are you trying to do it?”
“Because you twat, half the band doesn’t understand why we actually split in the first place. They don’t know the real reason behind Liam’s alcoholism or the reason why you went back to the stoic, cold, heartless version of yourself. All they know is that something happened between yours and Liam’s fake relationship and now everything’s gone to hell.” He paused, “I’m trying to keep it together for everyone because Louis and Harry are too stupid to do it themselves. You’re a mess and Liam’s a mess and someone needs to take care of you because you refuse to do it yourselves.”
“I don’t need you to take care of me! I’m fine myself.”
“Are you fucking joking me, Zayn?” He snorted as he slapped the steering wheel, “You’re fucking joking aren’t you? Who do you think has been cleaning your apartment, doing your laundry and making sure that you’re fridge is stalked up? Or how the fuck do you think your hand gets wrapped up when you just stumble in from the gym and pass out on the couch from pain. Do you think a magic fairy comes and puts a glass of water and pills beside your bed, which she carried you too? No. That was all me you fucktard. I did not once tell you or demand anything from it and you didn’t ask me too but you didn’t have too. I did it because you were too weak to take care of yourself. You’re too busy trying to maintain this heartless image you’ve got. I bet you don’t even know if you love Harry anymore, you just know the feeling of pain so you keep it around in your chest.”
“Like you said,” Zayn said going cold, “I never asked you too so I don’t know why you’re complaining.”
“I’m NOT!” Niall screamed. “You know what, once we find Liam and get him back, this is all on you. You take care of him, you deal with your issues and you deal with his because I’m going to Ireland and I’M NOT COMING BACK.” He screamed as he pressed the gas pedal all the way down and sped down the empty highway and entered the small town of Bristol.
He parked on one of the main streets and they both composed themselves before they went into the small pub that Niall led him too.
He opened the door and the musky smell was wafting out of it, a smell that Niall hadn’t forgotten. He walked to the bar and the bartender nodded, pointing to the back.
“I was going to call,” He said as they slipped under the bar and headed towards the back, “But I figured you already knew.” Niall nodded and gave him a hundred pounds for keeping Liam safe as he entered the storeroom where they generally kept Liam when he passed out.
Niall took one side of Liam and Zayn took the other and they wordlessly dragged him out of the pub and put him in the back seat. On the way back to London, Zayn bought a lot of water from the gas station and some food just in case he woke up. Niall refused anything and Zayn just got a coffee so that he could stay awake in case Niall wanted him to drive.
Without fail, Niall continued to drive through the dark night. When they got back to Zayn’s apartment, Niall knocked on Harry and Louis’s door.
Harry opened it, staring wide-eyed at Zayn who was fumbling to open the door with Liam in his arms.
“What happened?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.” Niall said as he pushed past him and fell down on the couch, wrapping himself up in the blanket and falling asleep. He had done too much travelling for one day.
Zayn walked into his own apartment, lying Liam down on the bed carefully before lying down next to him, watching him throughout the night. He didn’t know how much he’d had to drink but it must’ve been a lot to make him pass out.
He wasn’t ready to deal with Liam without Niall. Even during the relationship, Niall was a big part of it, helping Zayn with Liam when he’d come back late at night smelling like the bar. He didn’t know how Niall knew but he did and it was always a relief to have him there. But he knew Niall was serious about going back to Mullingar. Whenever he was angry, if he’d say anything he’d stick to it, no matter how stupid or irrational. That was Niall his word meant everything once spoken.
Zayn watched the Wolverhampton boy sleep and Niall’s words started to mull around in his brain. Did he still love Harry or was he just holding onto the pain of knowing he’d be rejected by the boy because it was the only thing he’d ever known. He’d loved Harry from the start of One Direction and most of his memories now days consist of that.
Maybe Niall was right. Maybe he’d been right all along. He should’ve just told Harry, Liam should’ve just told Louis and Niall wouldn’t need to be here. He’d be happy, pursuing a girl or boy or his own and he wouldn’t have to fix everyone constantly.
+
When Niall woke up, he felt guilty about what he’d said to Zayn. So he got up, and walked over to Zayn’s flat and knocked softly.
“Come in,” Zayn called and Niall walked in. Zayn was surprised that he was still here, he thought he’d be long gone by now.
“Yeah?” He said timidly, waiting to be yelled at again.
“I’m sorry for what I said,” Niall sighed, “I was just… tired. You know? But I’m staying, I don’t need to go home and you’ll need help with Liam so…”
“It’s okay, I’ll have to learn eventually, right?” Zayn tried to smile but it falter. Niall appreciated the effort so he gave a small smile back but then shook his head.
“You’ll never learn…you’re an idiot.”
“But you still love me,” Zayn joked relaxing a bit.
“You’re an inconsistent, heartless idiot who I love. Seems a bit weird doesn’t it?” Niall said, looking down shyly at his fingers. Then he got up and walked over to Liam’s bedroom and walked in.
He sat down beside the bed and started running his hands through Liam’s hair and massaging his head. Zayn came and sat beside him.
“So you cleaned up my apartment, got me groceries and wrapped my hand when the pain was too much?”
“Yeah,” Niall said as he concentrated on Liam.
“Why?”
“Like you said, ‘I love you.’”
Zayn looked at him with wide eyes, “W-what?”
Niall laughed cynically, “That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. Just threw more drama in that already pot filled of drama.”
“H-how had I never…? W-why wouldn’t you tell me…? Why are you telling me now?”
“You were too busy with Harry and then with Liam,” Niall shrugged, “Then you turned to stone and tried to push me away. I wouldn’t have fought so hard for you if I didn’t feel something. I just… needed to know you were okay at the end of the night so that I could be okay. I was perfectly, well, not really, but I could manage with you with other people. It just hurt when you were hurting for no good reason.” He was so calm and collected about it, Zayn couldn’t help but wonder if Harry would’ve been like this if he’d told him about this feelings early on. But then again, not everyone was Niall.
Niall continued to focus on Liam as Zayn sat there in silence. “I’m sorry for not telling you,” Niall offered to break the silence, “It would’ve just ruined everything.”
“I feel bad for you though, I put you through so much pain…” Zayn said, taking one of Niall’s hands away from Liam’s head, “You deserve someone who loves you back as much as you love me.”
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” Niall said.
“Are you really quoting that movie? Perks of being a wallflower, really?” Zayn snorted.
“That’s the only thing I got from the movie the other night.” Niall laughed.
Before either of them could say anything else, Louis and Harry tiptoed into the room.
“Is he okay?” Louis asked, pointing to Liam who was snoring and had a frown on his face.
“He relapsed badly.” Niall said, “I think he needs to go back to rehab…”
“W-what will be the story this time? And will we be able to visit him?” Louis asked, “I don’t want to lose him like last time.”
Zayn bristled and Louis looked over at him questioningly, “Something wrong Zayn?”
“Don’t.” Niall said softly putting his hand over top Zayn’s. Zayn squeezed Niall’s hand and darted his eyes away from Louis’s face, instead burning a hole in the wall instead of the brunettes’ skull.
Harry just shrugged and Niall said, “Can you all leave, please? I think I want to sleep on a real bed for once and when Liam wakes, we’ll all talk.”
The boys nodded and walked out but Louis touched Zayn’s shoulder and said, “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” he said, “You can show yourselves out now.” He said curtly before going to his room and slamming the door shut. Louis shook with the force before Harry led him out. He glanced back at Zayn’s door but it remained shut.
Only once Zayn had heard the front door close, he crept out back into the room where now Niall was snoring softly. He slipped into the bed and wrapped one arm loosely around the Irish boy as he rested his head on the pillow and drank in the smell that he missed. It seemed like ages since the five of them had slept in the same bed, or even each other’s bed. Now he understood why Niall would always come to him whenever he needed another body next to him.
Not that he minded though, he quiet liked the smell of the Irish.
+
Liam woke with the worst hangover he’s ever experienced. And he’s experienced a lot.
He rolled out of bed, smiling at Niall and Zayn being cuddled up like old times as he stumbles into the kitchen area to get a glass of water. Louis’s sitting on the couch, sipping tea and watching TV at a low volume while Harry’s sprawled out on the love seat, reading the newspaper. He wonders when they’d become so… domesticated.
Louis looked up at the noise and smiled at Liam.
“How long have you been there?” Louis asked.
“A few seconds,” Liam, said softly, “Niall and Zayn are sleeping so we got to keep it down.”
“Together?” Harry asked and Liam nodded.
“How long have you been here?”
“Well, we came earlier in the morning but Zayn threw us out shortly after… we came back about an hour ago to wait for you to wake up. How are you feeling and don’t you dare do that again.” Louis got up and hit his shoulder, Liam yelped and then quickly covered his mouth.
“I won’t.” He said but he didn’t look Louis in the eye. They all knew that this would probably happen again.
“C’mon, cuddle with me.” Louis said, after grabbing him a glass of water and pulling him to the couch. Harry watched amusedly as Louis adjusted himself so that he could try to be the big spoon. Liam smiled happily as Louis wrapped his tan arms around him before he fell asleep again.
+
Everyone woke at around midnight Liam was feeling slightly better. Niall and Zayn gathered everyone around the table and they sat.
“So,” Niall said, shaking slightly, “I have something to say.”
They all looked at Niall expectantly.
“I’m moving back to Ireland… and this time when I go, I don’t think I’m coming back.”
“What? Why?” Louis stood up, hurt showing in his deep blue eyes.
“Niall…” Harry said, and Niall could see the disappointment forming in his green eyes.
“That’s a bit… much… isn’t it?” Liam said slowly as he looked up Niall with complete and total betrayal. The only one who didn’t say anything was Zayn who was sitting there, twiddling his thumbs.
Then, Louis, Harry and Liam all broke out in lectures, yelling at Niall saying that he can’t just do this, that they need him here, that he’s part of the family and he can’t just abandon the family.
Niall just sat there and listened to every word they said to him, not replying even when they threw questions his way.
“Well?” Louis spat at Zayn, “Are you just going to sit there? You don’t seem concerned that one of your best friends, may I add, brother plans on never returning.”
“Are you really one to give me a lecture?” Zayn stood up and glared at Louis.
“Zayn… don’t.” Liam pleaded but Zayn just waved his hand at him.
“No, Liam, I am.”
“Zayn…” Niall said, putting his hand on the shoulder, “You can’t.”
Zayn turned to Niall and said, “I have too.” Before turning to Louis and saying,
“You do you want to know why Liam almost drinks himself to death all the fucking time? Or do you want to know why I turned into such a cold, heartless prick?”
“Bastard…” Niall corrected from the sidelines and Zayn threw him a quick smirk before turning back and scowling at Louis.
Louis just stood there and Zayn continued, ignoring Liam’s constantly begging to stop, “Because of YOU. And because of YOU!” He pointed to Harry. “You two are the reason why One Direction isn’t fucking ONE DIRECTION anymore. We haven’t been a family for a long time, you two were just stuck in each other’s asses to notice it. Liam has been in love with you from the moment he met you, Lou, but you never gave him a second chance so eventually he just gave up and turned to the drink. Harry, you ignored me, never came to my defense about anything, yet I loved you even after you chose Louis time and time again. You’d use me for a pillow to cry on before going running back to Louis. How was that ever fair to me? But I kept on and it’s not your fault that I did. But you can’t really blame Niall for wanting to leave, hell, even I want to leave but I can’t. Because we need to deal with this and the only one who gets to leave is Niall because you two were too stupid to even try and keep in contact with us. So he stayed here and was your person 1D Update twitter account!
“If I didn’t live here anymore, you wouldn’t have found me unless it was Niall who did it. You knew where Liam was in rehab…you could’ve visited. I did! Niall practically lived there. But no, you two were so fucking wrapped up in your own fucking world. Because apparently, everything revolves around Louis and Harry. Well, not anymore.” Zayn yelled at them.
Louis stood there, shell-shocked and Harry blinked a couple of times. Louis turned to Liam and said,
“Is that… true? Was it me?”
Liam opened his mouth to say something but Zayn cut him off and growled, “Don’t you dare lie again, Liam.”
“Yes.” Liam said softly to Louis, “Yes, it was you.”
Louis fell to his knees sobbing, “I almost killed my best friend… multiple times.”
“Oh for fucks sake, Lou!” Niall screamed, “You’re not the fucking victim here. You screwed up so many times you don’t deserve to go down on your knees and cry about it. The only one who can actually cry about anything is me. Because I dealt with all your fucking shit for the past two years and beyond that as well! No one even asked me how I was! Or if I was okay? Or if I loved anyone too. You were all so selfish. And now you stand here playing the victim and scream about abandoning family. You two abandoned us long ago.
Niall stood up, “I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m sorry but … we aren’t a family. We aren’t even brothers. We’re just broken people and I’m so sorry for trying to fix us because apparently we’re fucked beyond repair.”
And just like that, Niall walked over to Zayn and gave him a kiss on the cheek before he grabbed his bag and left.
They all watched him leave no one stopped him. He was right they were fucked beyond repair.
+
12 months later
They tried calling Niall for the first three months. But he refused to pick up any of their calls, not that they expected him too anyways. Liam and Zayn sat down with Louis and Harry and explained the messed up situation from the beginning, Zayn even added in how Niall was in love with him and he didn’t even know.
They tried. Harry and Louis, they made more of an effort to try to fix things. Liam and Louis tried to fix their broken friendship, Louis replacing Niall and taking care of Liam every time he relapsed or tried to touch a drink. Harry and Zayn spent more time together and they more that they did, the surer Zayn became that he wasn’t actually harboring any feelings for the curly haired boy anymore.
Niall was right again, it was the pain that he’d known for so long that he’d been carrying with him because he didn’t know any other feeling.
“I’m sorry,” Harry said one night when they were lying in Zayn’s apartment, on the couch smoking weed and listening to crappy music.
“Sorry?”
“For not noticing what was happening. I mean, now that I think about it, it was all in front of my eyes I just… refused to acknowledge what was happening.”
“It’s alright… what’s done is done.”
“But that’s the thing, it’s not.” Harry said softly, “Every time I look in Liam’s eyes, I see the pain and the hurt that I’ve ignored for two years. I’m such a shit friend, you know? I didn’t even know about your feelings either. Like… if we’d fixed this earlier.”
“There’s no point in wondering what that would be like,” Zayn said, “There’s blame on our part too, for not saying anything and letting it get out of control.”
“I know, but we should’ve noticed something. I see how it kills Louis knowing that Liam could’ve ended up dead so many times because he was trying to drink away the memories of Louis.”
“It’s a good thing that he didn’t succeed then.”
“But what if he…”
“There’s no point thinking of what if’s, Harry. You’re just going to go insane because there’s no good that comes of that. You just get worse situations and if you go there, then you’ll go crazy and then we’ll have a crazy Harry and we don’t need any more drama.”
“Do you think Niall will come back?”
“I hope so.” Zayn said softly. “He doesn’t need to though. I hope he’s truly happy where ever he is because after everything, he deserves at least that much.”
“He does. He deserves a world of wonderful.”
Zayn smiled, thinking of Niall as Harry slowly turned his head to one side and looked at the Bradford boy.
“So… Niall, huh?”
“What about him?”
“You’re thinking of him.”
“What do you mean, of course I’m thinking of him we’re talking about him.”
“No I mean, when you sleep. When you wake up in the morning, there’s nothing you’d rather do than try to fix the broken boy who’d helped fix you.”
“You make no sense when you’re high, Harry, just stop talking.”
“Deny it all you want, but I know. I know…”
+
Harry unfortunately was right.
Zayn had been thinking of Niall. Thinking of what he’d be doing during the day, trying to picture him happy and bouncing in Ireland but it had been so long since he’d seen that pearly-white smile that he couldn’t picture it anymore.
He was thinking about Niall all the time. It had just started because he wanted to find ways to repay him for his kindness and love when Zayn wasn’t present but then the thoughts started changing. And missing someone at the same time doesn’t help the heart at all.
Soon, the gratitude turned to missing, the missing turned to wanting, the wanting turned to craving and the craving turned to a feeling that Zayn had never experience before.
He was scared that he’d never see Niall again, never be able to tell him the things that filled up the page in his journal every night.
He was scared.
+
Niall wasn’t happy though. He was home, which he was happy about. He was with family, which he was happy about but he didn’t feel happy when he woke up in the morning. He felt dead.
He ignored the boy’s efforts to reach out to him. Out of sight out of mind, he thought but that just made him feel worse. He made a promise that he wouldn’t go back but he was quite curious to know whether or not they’d killed each other. But his pride was too much that he refused to pick up the phone and find out.
One day, while he was moping in the kitchen, his mother slapped down his passport and his plane ticket.
“You’re going back. I can’t deal with this moping. Get packed.” She ordered him with a kiss on his cheek. He smiled at her and for once she saw that thousand-watt smile as he ran upstairs.
+
He got to the airport, wishing everyone good bye before he boarded his flight and closed his eyes, mentally preparing for the blood that he’d have to scrape off the walls.
+
When he got to the apartment complex, he considered just going back to Ireland. He was way to nervous, jittery and jumpy.
He slowly got out of his car and took his suitcase with him, dragging it up the stairs and towards Zayn’s apartment.
He knocked twice on the door before it opened.
+
They were playing cards. They’d started this as a nighty ritual to get back into each other’s lives. They’d talk about what they did while they bet crackers. There were snacks passed around and soft drinks (all apartment were alcohol free) when they heard a knock on the door.
Not knowing who it could be, Zayn got up and slowly walked over to the door. He opened it slowly, to reveal a nervous looking Irish boy with a suitcase. He spotted the table and the cards and said,
“Got room for one more?” It came out of his mouth so casually, like he’d been saying it for years.
Zayn’s mouth dropped as he stared at the Irish boy who seemed so cool and calm standing there.
“Don’t just stand there, Zayn,” Louis said in total ease, “Let him in.”
Zayn stepped to the side and Niall walked in, rolling his bag with him.
“So what’s the bet?” He asked as he sat down in a card that he pulled up. Harry dealt him in and they explained how they played with the crackers.
Niall nodded along as he picked up his cards and winked cheekily at Zayn, “Oh you’re so going down, Malik.”
+
The boys left around two am. Liam was crashing at Louis and Harry’s instead so that Niall and Zayn could talk.
“We can talk later,” Zayn said, “You’re tired.”
“No,” Niall said as he walked out on the balcony with a cup of tea, “Let’s talk now. So what have a missed?”
“We’re fixing each other…” Zayn said, “It’s not always easy, sometimes Liam goes a little out of control but we’ve got his patterns down so he’s never missing for more than two hours at least. Louis and Liam spend a lot of time together, I’m not sure how that’s helping with the love but they have a strong friendship. Louis’s usually not more than two feet away from Liam at a time. Harry’s not that jealous over it, he knows Liam’s a good person. We’ve been spending a lot of time together actually.” He paused, “You were right, the love I felt for him was gone a long time ago. We’re just really good friends.”
“Good,” Niall said, “Looks like you guys did a lot of healing without me.”
“You helped, you started us on the road to recovery.” Zayn poked his side lightly, “It wouldn’t have happened without you.”
Niall just smiled as he looked out at the night sky.
“What about you? What’s happening with you in Ireland and I thought you weren’t coming back.”
“I thought that you all might be dead by now. So I thought I should return for a bit. Ireland’s a bit boring, not much to do there.”
Zayn smiled, “There must be something.”
“I just… I don’t know. I missed you guys so my mum got me a plane ticket and I came back. As simple as that.”
“We missed you too.” Zayn said making Niall look at him, “We missed you a lot and we thought we’d never see you again. We were planning a trip to Ireland in the summer because you always said that it was the best in the summer.”
Niall smiled, “Yeah, it is. We can still go you know. Might not be able to all stay in my house in Mullingar because it’s a tad small and I don’t think it would be able to handle Louis and Harry together but… we can mange. We’ve done worse.” He laughed and Zayn reeled in the laugh that he hadn’t heard in ages.
“Just me and you in the house then?”
Niall looked at him and Zayn repeated it. Niall smiled and said,
“Yeah, I guess just you and me in the house.”
Before they went to bed (Niall was obviously sleeping in Zayn’s bed) Zayn kissed Niall’s cheek.
Next door, Louis placed a small kiss on Liam’s forehead as he linked arms with Harry from across the bed. Harry may be his boyfriend but Liam would always, always possesses a big part of Louis’s heart.
+
Zayn stopped boxing once Niall came back; Niall hated wrapping his wounds anyways.