Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There are three hundred sixty-five (and a quarter) days in a year, and Jungkook just so happened to get sick on college entrance exam day. You know, the day that determines his future for the rest of his life . No biggie.

A pool of sweat drenched the sheets beneath Jungkook’s heavily overheated body as he woke from a dreamless slumber. His mouth felt sticky, much like the horrid cotton mouth he'd get after a smoke session with Yugyeom, his best friend of ten years and resident pain in his ass. A pungent sour smell emitted from his body. It was almost enough to make him puke, which was becoming a very likely outcome, given that his stomach was currently clenched in painful knots.

If his head wasn't pounding like Lucifer himself was fucking it, he might have cared about how gross he felt. Instead, he dragged himself from the disgusting sheets, crawled his way to his en-suite bathroom, and ran what felt like a hypothermia-inducing shower.

The spray of cold water numbed the burning sensation coursing throughout Jungkook’s body, bringing him down to a tolerable warmth. He noticed his vision blurring as he tried to focus on the water cascading down the drain. Something was wrong about today, but he had no time to dwell. Exams were today. The test that would decide his future was happening today.

Jungkook haphazardly went through the motions of his morning routine, simultaneously trying to push down the rising feeling of panic coursing through his veins. He had never been so thankful for his mother’s erratic work schedule, because she surely wouldn't have allowed him to go to school had she been home to see him that morning.

Is it finally happening? It can't be happening, Jungkook thought as he brushed his teeth, trying not to vomit as he scraped the toothbrush across his tongue. His heart beat frantically in his chest, just as his hands began to shake. Today wasn't the day for this. Tomorrow wasn't the day for this either. In fact, absolutely no day ever would be the right time for this

No time to dwell, the bus would be coming round in ten minutes. Jungkook had ten minutes to pull himself together.

Breakfast: an egg and toast. Bad idea. The smell of the egg caused an uncontrollable wave of nausea to hit Jungkook, almost knocking him down to his knees. Of course, a migraine had to follow. So, no breakfast.

Clothing choice: sweatpants and a white tee, timberlands because... why not? Who was he honestly trying to impress?

Mental state: questionable, but no time to fret over it. The horn of the bus blowing broke Jungkook out of his zombie-like reverie, indicating that it was time. He had an exam to take.

As he stumbled his way out of his home, staggering dangerously towards the bus, Jungkook began to regret all of his life choices. Was getting his higher education really that important?

Ugh, of course it was. Jungkook had worked so hard despite all of the difficulties he’d experienced over the last few years to get to where he was. He'd be damned if he let this ruin it for him now. He was so close, too close to give up.

“Morning Jungkook… are you okay? You don’t look so hot today,”  the bus driver asked as he got on board.

Jungkook mustered up a jerky head nod, shuffling his feet awkwardly towards his seat at the back of the bus. He decided that maybe if he put in his headphones and slept he would feel better. He just really wanted to feel better.

Yugyeom joined Jungkook in his seat after he was picked up at his stop, eyeing his friend up and down carefully. He noticed the sweaty brow, and the tremors wracking his friend’s body, but knew that nagging him would do no good. It was an important day and Jungkook was too stubborn for his own good sometimes. He offered his dozing friend sips of water as they made the seemingly endless trek to school, hoping to the heavens that he had merely caught a cold. He wouldn't know what to do if it was finally that time.

Jungkook silently implored whatever it was higher than him to get him through his exam. He had come too far to let his body ruin him now. It’d been six years with no major issues, why now? God damn it, why now? He’d done everything right. He took his medicines on time, everyday. He rarely drank and never smoked anything other than weed. His levels were beautiful every time he visited the hospital, and was easily his doctor’s favorite patient because of how good a patient he was. He was as healthy as a sick person could be.

//

In his haze of thought, Jungkook didn’t realize that Yugyeom had basically carried him all the way to homeroom. His test was currently face down in front of him on his desk. It was go time.

Jungkook took a deep breath, steeling himself a little before beginning his exam.

“You good bro? I can tell the teacher you don't feel good, the school will understand. You know that,” Yugyeom whispered as the teacher handed out the remaining scantrons.

Jungkook shook his head softly, forcefully willing his body to calm the hell down for the first time all day. He was going to get through this test, even if it killed him.

“I'm fine Yugyeom. I'll leave as soon as I'm done, deal?” Jungkook whispered back.

Yugyeom nodded in acknowledgment, understanding how much taking his exam one time with the rest of their class meant to Jungkook. He would be so disappointed if he couldn't do it.

“Fine. I mean, at least if you pass out or something our whole class passes the exam. Win-win!”

Jungkook winked at his friend. He could feel some weight lift from his shoulders. The sweating and stomach aches had managed to cease, but the shaking and pain in his back persisted. If there was an elephant in the testing room, it had planted it’s fat ass firmly on his spine.

“Okay class, you may begin. Good luck to you all,” Professor Lee announced, rounding his desk to sit as the students flipped over their tests.

You can do this .

Holy shit… it was so easy. Jungkook breathed a shaky breath of relief when he realized how deplorably simple the exam was. He was speeding through questions so fast he was beginning to fear that he'd gotten the wrong test version or something.

Just five more questions, then you can go to the nurse, Jungkook thought to himself, quickly skimming the questions lining the last page of his exam.

A, C, True, B… done . The last test between him and college was now complete. He was done. No more tests, no more finals, no more SATs or ACTs. No more college entrance anything. He was finally done. All of the hardships and tears had been worth it, because he was finished. Sadly, as fast as the relief had come, pain settled in.

Jungkook found it increasingly painful to breathe. Every pull of oxygen into his lungs took as much effort as running his miles in track practice or finishing a dance routine did. Something was very off.

Jungkook raised his hand, signaling for his teacher’s aid to come collect his test materials. The handsome college student bound over to Jungkook in firm calculated steps. Everything about the older man was so graceful, and Jungkook was envious. He could never be as beautiful or as poise as the man who stood before him.

“Finished Jungkook?” the TA asked, pausing when he noticed how pained Jungkook looked.

“Do you need the nurse? You don't look okay,” he asked, slowly beginning to panic. He was aware of Jungkook’s condition, much like everyone else in their class. He didn't wait for a reply, not wanting to risk Jungkook saying no and refusing to go.

Slowly Jungkook rose from his seat, holding tightly onto the man’s outstretched arm. He felt like the weight of the world was crashing down on him all at once, pulling him under slowly.

“Thanks Seokjin. You don’t have to…”

He didn't know how fast it really happened, but everything was suddenly very dark. There was no light in the place that his conscience currently resided, and he was almost grateful. There was no pain in this plane of existence, no expectations, and no fears. He was merely floating in the welcomed darkness, enjoying the pleasant nothingness that surrounded him.

If this is how death feels, who would want to be alive?

//

Jungkook languidly blinked away the sleep from his eyes, overwhelmed as an immense amount of light attacked his vision. It felt like the sky had personally come down to flaunt it’s beaming rays. His head was killing him, so he quickly shut his aching eyes again. He didn't even get to take in his environment yet.

“...yes, blood pressure is looking good. 115/72. We gave him some oxygen just to get his breathing stable, and the nephrologist will be in soon to speak with you about what's going on with his kidneys ma’am,” a man, presumably his nurse, said.

He heard sniffling, followed by the wet blowing of a  nose.

“Did his kidneys fail Namjoon? He's been sick for years now and we weren't expecting that they would for another few years, at least. My baby… he's not supposed to be going through this,” a woman, easily identifiable to Jungkook as his mother, said as she wept.

He heard nothing but her cries for a long while after that, the soothing shushes of the male nurse accompanying his mom’s louder noises. He hadn't heard her in that much pain since the day he was diagnosed with kidney disease six years prior, when he was twelve years old.

“I'm only his nurse so I can't go into a lot of details for you, but yes. His kidneys have been steadily declining for a while, it was only a matter of time. I'm so sorry,” Namjoon, his nurse, explained.

Jungkook cracked open his eyes, and was taken aback as he looked at his caretaker. Something about the man was strangely familiar to him, but he couldn't figure out why. He didn't have long to think about it though, as his mother’s sobs gradually regulated themselves. They turned into nothing but the occasional hiccup or sniffle every now and again. However, an occasional sob would still catch in her throat.

“I can't say I'm surprised honestly. He's been getting worse lately, I noticed that. I just feel so helpless. I’ve had to watch him get worse, and there's nothing I can do. Damn it, why isn't there a cure for this? Why wasn't it me instead? I would take this all in his place if I could. God knows I would,” his mother cursed.

His mother sat adjacent to him in a chair, clad in her work scrubs, her hair hanging professionally in a ponytail atop her head, and her small featured face was blotchy all over from her violent sobs and nose blowing.

His nurse, Namjoon, looked sympathetic as he finished typing away on his computer, closing Jungkook's medical chart. Jungkook always found it strange that his picture in the hospital system was still of him as a twelve year old, from the day that he was first admitted to the hospital.

“Ma-Mom, what's going on?” Jungkook croaked, his throat sore from hours of not being used.

Jungkook’s mother snapped her attention to her son, leaping from her seat to engulf him in a hug. He missed his mom's hugs.

“Kookie,” she gasped, kissing his forehead, “how are you feeling honey? Do you know where you are?”

Jungkook looked around, observing his surroundings. The pale beige walls and room decorum were covered in health related posters and little animal stickers, each one with an information sheet accompanying it. The room was too bright and everything looked too clean, sterilized for his safety.

“Children’s,” Jungkook said, instantly recognizing the room of the hospital he’d been a patient in since his diagnosis six years prior.

“Yes, that's right,” Namjoon said, “You got really sick at school today and passed out. How long have you been feeling bad?”

Jungkook thought it over. He desperately wanted to say that he only felt bad that morning, but that'd be a lie. He’d felt a change in his body beginning weeks prior, back when his school had taken their senior trip. He’d felt this time impending.

Thinking back, it was a great way to close out the “sick but not at all close to death” era of his life. The sights of Chicago were breathtaking; the museums, the cathedrals, the music halls, etc. The bustling city injected a shot of energy into his life that he didn’t know that he needed. Jungkook remembered their last night on the trip; the exploring, all of his friends he'd known since elementary school dancing, hooking up, just truly enjoying each other for (what most of them knew) would be the last time.

It was the best trip of Jungkook’s young life. The memories alone made Jungkook feel nostalgic, thirsting for a small taste of that contentment back.

He remembered sitting the balcony of his hotel, his dance friends all hanging around, when the feeling of wrong settled in. Something, everything, felt off. He was content with it, he thought he was ready for this, but maybe he was wrong. No one’s ever really ready for one of their major organs to fail.

“...so it’s been about two weeks, Mrs. Jeon?” Namjoon asked his mother, jotting her words down on his notepad.

“Yes, after he came back from a school trip. He seemed so off. He's been much more lethargic than normal and his eyes have looked so dark. It's the end of the year so I know he's not swamped with homework or anything, and he doesn't go out much during the week. I didn’t realize it was this bad though,” Jungkook’s mother said, looking over at her son, observing all of his facial features. The dull sunken in bloodshot eyes and the gray undertone to his skin all alluded to the truth.

“Jungkook, do you understand what's happened? I'm sorry, we’re leaving you out here.”

Jungkook looked up at his nurse, then his mom, noticing how worried all the eyes in the room looked, and that they were all focused on him. He was fine, he supposed. He's always been fine.

“Yes, my kidneys don't work anymore. I kind of figured that already,” Jungkook said, voice low, “What now?”

“Well, yes. You’re right to an extent. They’re pretty weak right now and can’t get better on their own. Your doctor will be in soon to explain the next steps but yes, things are going to be changing.”

Jungkook shook his head solemnly. He knew this day would come… he knew it, he had expected it, but that didn't make it any easier now that it was here.

“Okay. When can I go home? Graduation is next Friday, that's kind of a thing I don't want to miss,” Jungkook asked, eyebrow cocked.

Namjoon furrowed his brow in discomfort. Jungkook could tell that the (barely) older man didn't know how to answer him. Even though he saved it by smiling, Jungkook knew already. You never trust it when a nurse smiles at you in the hospital.

“Well, now that you're in complete renal failure… you'll have to have a surgery while you're here. You'll also be put on new medications, along with receiving education and training. It's not exactly a two day, in and out, kind of thing Jungkook.”

The younger man couldn't help but roll his eyes at his nurse. He just didn't want to be here longer than he needed to, and he told him so.

“Trust me, I understand that. But, surgeries are a big deal, especially catheter placements. You'll need to heal for a few days, and do dialysis treatments and you immediately start them weekly after you're discharged. A lot is going to be changing, but we're all here for you.”

“Kookie, they're here to help. Your health is what's most important, okay sweetie? We'll figure everything else out later. You just focus on resting and getting better, okay?” Jungkook’s mother said, sensing her son growing agitated.

Jungkook merely grunted in understanding, opting to pull out his phone instead of paying the nurse any further attention.

Group: ☽  fawk ya chicken strips ☼

Jungkookie ❁ : fml

Jiminie (◕ᴗ◕✿): OMG YUGYEOM TOLD US THAT UOU PASSED OUT AT SCGOOL RU OKAY?????

Jungkookie ❁ : I'm in the hospital rn, my kidneys failed, i might miss graduation and everyone's up my ass. but otherwise everything's great

Jiminie   (◕ᴗ◕✿): ah damn :c that sucks!!! do you want us to come see you? i'll bring your favorite pocky ;)

Jungkookie ❁ : i'm on a diet restriction , no decent food until i get out of this hellhole

Hoseokie ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ: fuuuuck well we’ll both still come! just tell us when since i kno they make you do a lot of stuff the first day or two

Jungkookie ❁ : yup they do. i'm just waiting on the doctor rn now basically anyway

Jungkookie ❁ : speak of the devil he's here

Jungkookie ❁ : I'll keep you two updated

Jiminie   (◕ᴗ◕✿): you better!! we get worried!

Jungkook sighed as he put his phone away, doing a once over on his doctor as his entered. He missed talking to his friends everyday, as they had both graduated over the past two years. It always brightened Jungkook’s mood when Jimin and Hoseok offered to come down from college to visit him. Even if it was under the current circumstances.

“Jungkook, how are you feeling today?” his doctor, Dr. Simons, asked. That was the dumbest question that Jungkook knew would be repeatedly asked over his stay in the hospital.

“Obviously not so hot or we wouldn't all be here,” Jungkook spat, not flinching as his mother smacked his thigh and told him to be polite.

“It's okay Mrs. Jeon, we get grumpy patients all the time,” the doctor snickered, “It's completely understandable. A lot of things, virtually your entire everyday life is about to change. It's fine. There's a lot of other people in here who are going through the exact same thing, you aren't alone.”

Jungkook nodded, feeling a little of his attitude slip from his face. It was so exhausting being upset. He couldn't keep this up for the rest of his life.

“I'm sorry… it's just not something I expected to deal with right now,” Jungkook said, his eyes downcast.

“That's fine Jungkook, you don't have to apologize to us. We're just here to make this process a little easier, and make sure you're well taken care of,” the doctor said, offering him a small smile.

“Thank you Dr. Simons. So, what exactly does he have to have done? What's the next step?” Mrs. Jeon asked, her eyes glassy.

Jungkook’s doctor, along with the occasional remark about his levels and such from his nurse, explained that he would be having surgery that night to put in a dialysis catheter. Over the course of his disease, dialysis had always been the epitome of fear for Jungkook. Everything he was afraid of was wrapped up in that machine.

He remembered the endless nights he would spend researching it. The dialysis machines were made to clean out all the crap in his blood that his kidneys couldn't clean for themselves, and they did a pretty great job. However, the treatments were hours long, multiple days a week if he chose hemodialysis, (which is done in the hospital) or every night if he chose peritoneal dialysis (which is done with a machine at home) and very exhausting. You can also only survive on dialysis for so long.

Jungkook wasn't ready for this big of a change in his life, but honestly, what choice did he have? It was literally do or die, so he did.

“I want to do hemo mom. I can't live in the college dorms next year if i have to do treatments at home. There's no space for it.”

His doctor affirmed that hemo would be fine, and that most patients normally start on hemodialysis anyway.

“Your social worker will be coming in tomorrow or the day after to explain a few other things but the main ones were the catheter, and that you're now officially a candidate for being put on the transplant list. But, Jungkook, we can worry about all of the semantics later, get some rest. You have surgery later,” his doctor said, turning on his heels before exiting the room.

“Is there anything you need more explanation on in regards to his surgery?” Namjoon asked.

“No, I think we're okay. Jungkook?” his mother said.

“Um, when can I eat? I’m like, starving,” Jungkook said, his stomach growling to accentuate his complaints.

Namjoon took a weary breath before he cleared his throat.

“Oh, well… um, before surgery you aren't allowed to eat or drink for six hours prior to, so you have about… five minutes to drink some water and find a quick snack.”

Jungkook's eyes grew at least two times in size.

“Are you kidding me?” Jungkook asked, staring daggers at the man before him.

Namjoon nodded sheepishly, urging his mother to quickly go buy him something so that he wouldn't compromise his surgery.

“We’re sorry Jungkook, but it's all for a good reason. You’ll feel so much better after you start treatments,” Namjoon said.

He left shortly after his mother returned with a banana and apple from the fruit vending machine down the hall, a water put safely in her purse.

“It's all going to be okay my love. This is all just a step in the process you know?” his mother said, rubbing her fingertips across her son’s warm skin.

Jungkook nodded his head, having heard the “everything happens for a reason” speech enough times in his last six years as the “sick kid.” He knew it held truth, but it got very annoying hearing other people say it to him.

“Why don't you go to sleep? Rest up so you'll be nice and strong for your surgery,” his mother offered, moving to fluff his pillows for him before laying down on the pull out bed herself. Being a nurse, she worked long shifts for days on end. Jungkook pretended to sleep until she finally dozed off, wanting her to worry just a little less. She was always worrying.

Instead, Jungkook talked more with Jimin and Hoseok, filling them in on the random little things they'd missed out on since leaving him back in high school. The occasional pregnancy, breakups and makeups, scandals with the teachers, and the downward spiral of his health. You know, nothing special.

Before Jungkook knew it, the hours had passed by and it was time for his surgery. The nurses made him take a special bath before giving him a gown and wheeling him down to the OR surgery prep room. Jungkook was surprisingly calm, even before his anxiety meds were fed through his IV.

“Jungkook, are you doing okay? The anesthesiologist is about to put you to sleep okay? You just need to breathe some of this oxygen first,” Namjoon said, appearing from the crowd of nurses swarming around Jungkook’s room.

Jungkook nodded his head, no longer able to speak with the oxygen mask on his face and the anti-anxiety medications kicking in. It was his first surgery ever and everyone had been impressed with how well he was going. That was Jungkook, always excelling at everything.

“Okay, the medicine is going in now. It's going to make your arm feel really warm and tingly for a minute, alright? Then you're going to take a nice long nap. You're doing so well, everything's going very well,” Namjoon cooed, rubbing the strands of Jungkook’s hair soothingly as he fell asleep slowly.

The last thing Jungkook remembered before forcefully falling asleep was the chaste smile on Namjoon’s face, and the ping of recognition as Jungkook realized where he'd met Namjoon before.

//

Kim Namjoon was their school’s resident genius. He was top of his class in every subject except athletics, but is that really shocking to anyone? He was the same age as Hoseok, and was once in the same class. Around Jungkook’s sophomore year, he tested out of school and went to college early. He'd been in all advanced classes in high school anyway, no wonder he had already finished enough to take up nursing. He remembered offhandedly that there'd been rumors of him sleeping with a teacher or a college professor or something, but mostly everyone remembered him as the kid from their school who would cure cancer or something. Jungkook wished he was that smart. Maybe he could cure his kidney disease if he was smart like that one day.

//

After three days in the hospital, Jungkook had finally begun to feel a little better. After his surgery, he was visited by a social worker who explained how his transplant listing would go, and that he still qualified for a wish by the Make-a-Wish foundation.

A dietitian came and ruined all of his joy as a growing eighteen year old, soon to be college bound boy. No more salt, no more potatoes (potassium), or cheese (phosphorus), bananas, or anything else inside the book he'd received. Along with the news that he had to watch how much fluid (which is liquids and sodium) he was consuming everyday.

Lastly, his doctor and social worker went over his dialysis schedule, which would be Tuesday's, Thursday's, and Saturday's from 11:30 to 3:30 every single week, even in the summer, until he received a new kidney. Since he was still in the hospital, they'd just have his nurse administrator his treatments when they could, starting the next day.

To say that Jungkook was overwhelmed would be an understatement. He was blown completely over the moon. The information sunk in slowly for him, but at least it wasn't making him hysterically upset like it was for his mother. His poor mother, she went through so much. She deserved so much better, and one day Jungkook would give it to her. He just had to get well first.

“So, treatments tomorrow?” Jungkook asked as he held his mother in a reassuring hug.

“Yes, we’ll start tomorrow morning,” Namjoon said, giving Jungkook his same chaste smile, “I'll be doing your treatment. I think it'll go well.”

Jungkook chuckled softly to himself. He always thought that everything would go well.

“Okay, well I'll be back in the morning. Your nurse for tonight will be HyeJin. She'll be coming by to do your vitals soon,” Namjoon said before he ducked out of the room.

Even though things were changing, Jungkook was okay. Things would all be okay.

//

Dialysis is not okay.

After the shrill beeps of the machine indicated that the treatment was over, Jungkook had never felt more exhausted in his entire life. The new protruding piece of plastic bursting from his chest had withheld the treatment perfectly, and caused Jungkook no further pain (other than the heavy feeling in his chest from the foreign object, of course). However, the machine had taken all of his blood, quart by quart, and removed water while cleaning his blood. He was so drained it was unfathomable. Was it healthy for someone to be this tired? Well, seeing as how he wasn't healthy, probably not.

Thankfully, the first few treatments were done in his room while he was still admitted in the hospital. He wouldn't start treatments with the other kids until the following week, after he was discharged and adjusted to the treatments a little.

He was expected to go home within a few more days, hopefully two if all of his levels turned out how his doctor wanted. Then, his life was permanently changed. At least he would make his graduation, with only one day to spare.

His mother seemed more exhausted than he, as she had fallen asleep almost as fast as he had following the ordeal. Jungkook would never tell her, but it was the most unpleasant sleep he'd ever gotten. It was the kind of sleep that was essentially your body forcing you to sleep because it needed to recharge after having its energy stolen, not sleep to just because.

Jungkook hadn't realized how long he’d been out until he opened his eyes and his room was dark, aside from the light the television was emitting and from the cracked door that led to the hallway.

Outside, he could hear the murmurs of his mother's voice, along with those of his nurse. The clock on the wall read 10:47 at night, and the news played softly on the tv above him.

“Namjoon, how have you been? Your mom talks about you all the time at the hospital. She's so proud of you, you know,” Jungkook heard his mother say, listening intently to her words.

“Does she? That’s nice to hear. It'd be even better if she ever said it to me, you know? We haven't talked since…” Namjoon said, his voice fading to a whisper that Jungkook couldn't hear at the end.

“I'm sure she loves you dearly Namjoon, just… not everyone is okay with these kinds of things. If it were Jungkook who'd come out to me, I would be overjoyed regardless, as long as he was happy. But, she may just take some time.”

Jungkook couldn't believe his ears. Namjoon was gay? His mom was okay with Namjoon being gay? He’d never put much thought towards coming out to his mom, since he'd never had anything serious with another man and she had always been more towards the conservative side, but it warmed his heart that she would be okay with it for his happiness. She knew that he deserved to be happy, no matter what.

Through the crack of the door, Jungkook could make out Namjoon’s face, the glassy look to his eyes and the stiff stature of his back made Jungkook sad for the man. He obviously had some issues to work out on his own as well.

“It's just… Seokjin and I are getting really serious, and she won't come around to seeing me, let alone meeting him. I don't want to push her but I also don't want to make any big steps with Jin without her being a part of our lives. It would kill me,” Namjoon said, unable to hold back the disappointment showing on his face.

“It’ll all be okay, in due time,” Jungkook's mother said, rubbing her hand soothingly down Namjoon’s arm, “You're still her same brilliant boy, and no parent could go forever without talking to their child. Not the way she talks about you.”

Jungkook looked away from the exchange after that, choosing to put in his headphones to make it look like he'd heard nothing, for Namjoon’s privacy. Halfway through his first distraction song Jungkook realized.

Holy shit. The teacher and/or possible college professor rumor was bullshit but now he understood where it came from. Namjoon was dating his teaching assistant Seokjin, who happened to be a student at the college that a lot of their alumni attended.

Wow. Jungkook tried to imagine the two together, two men in his life who acted as helping hands. No images he could conjure were things that he wished his brain could make. Avoiding that train of thought forever, burning it with fire, and never looking back, Jungkook smiled softly to himself. It was nice that his seniors had both found comfort in each other.

“Jungkookie, are you awake?” his mother said, nudging him a little in his non-cut open side.

Jungkook took out a headphone and nodded his head softly, asking if it was time for more vitals.

“No sweetie, not yet. I just wanted to tell you something.”

“What is it, Mom?”

“I just want you to know that, no matter what, I will always, always love you. There's nothing you could ever do, or turn out to be that could ever make me stop loving you, my precious boy,” Jungkook's mother said, fighting the tears that he saw threatening to leave her eyes, “You're my whole life Jeon Jungkook. We’re going to fight this and you're going to have a great life, and do some amazing things, okay? I just know it.”

Jungkook couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes as well. His mother always had a way of making him appreciate his life so far. It could always be worse, right? He had to get better. He had the ability to maintain his health where it was and make sure he had a good life, a fruitful future.

Tomorrow would bring new challenges, but it would also bring forth new memories, and new  opportunities for good things. He had learned over the years to always appreciate the little good things. Jungkook had begun to look forward to every new day, as each new day brought the chance for something magical. Jungkook could use something magical.

Chapter Text

A full week after his admission into the hospital, Jungkook was finally being released. He had just finished watching his mom pack his bags, while he gathered his new medicines and said his goodbyes to the staff.

Jungkook wasn't sad about leaving the hospital, especially because he would be back the day after next to do his first treatment with the other kids, but he couldn't help the sinking feeling in his chest.

After he walked out those doors and made the trek home, it would make everything so real. He was really a dialysis patient now. His kidneys failing hadn't been some horrible nightmare that he'd dreamt a little too vividly, it had actually happened. He was changed forever, and he was desperately trying to stay calm about it.

“You ready to get out of here Jungkook?” Namjoon said, slinking his way into his room, “You can finally eat some decent food. Sleep in your own bed. Graduation is tomorrow too huh?”

Jungkook hummed to say yes, nodding curtly. It was always easiest to shut himself away from others when he was battling internal conflict, but that wasn't very feasible at the moment.

“Thank you so much for keeping Jungkookie healthy Namjoon. I don't know what we'd have done without you,” Jungkook's mother said, pulling Namjoon into a tight embrace.

“I only did my job, any of the other nurses would've done the same,” Namjoon said, a soft blush creeping onto his cheeks.

“Whatever Namjoon, we're thankful, both of us,” she said, turning slightly so that Jungkook could smile at the older man.

“Anywho, I hope all goes well. You never know until you try,” Jungkook’s mother said with a wink as she grabbed her son’s heavier bags, making her way out of his room and down to their car.

Her departure left Jungkook and Namjoon standing in the middle of the room, coexisting in the quiet space.

“So, um… thanks again for, you know, being my nurse and everything.”

“Well, you're welcome, again. I'll be seeing you soon when you come in for your treatments so don't seem so sad,” Namjoon chuckled, eliciting a small laugh from Jungkook as well.

The silence enveloped them again after that, but it wasn't awkward. It felt, comfortable , like Namjoon was someone that Jungkook could be relaxed around.

“Hey, Jungkook?” Namjoon said, his demeanor suddenly frigid.

“Yeah?”

“I um, I just wanted to tell you that... you know, we aren't actually that far apart in age. I just don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me because I’m your nurse,” the older man stuttered.

Jungkook chuckled, amused that his friend was being so strange.

“Yeah, well, you are the same age as one of my friends so I don't think you're a decrepit old man or anything,” he said, earning a laugh from Namjoon.

“Wow, thanks,” he said, shaking his head, “Just, you can always come to me if you need anything. Or, even if it's nothing, you just want to talk, that's fine too.”

Jungkook made a pleased humming noise in his throat, thrown a little by the invitation but thankful regardless. He knew it was probably just so Namjoon could keep an eye on him, but he let it slide. It was coming from a good place.

“Thank you Joonie. Oh wait, do you want me to call you that?” Jungkook asked, unsure of his place with the elder.

“Whatever you want honestly. Joonie is fine. It's nice to hear,” Namjoon chuckled.

“Okay then, I’ll see you around,” Jungkook said, making his way down to his mother’s waiting car.

“See you around,” Namjoon said, helpfully ushering Jungkook out.

//

Jungkook had a good first day back home. He managed to take a shower without getting his catheter wet, had a whole conversation with Yugyeom without letting his moodiness affect things, and had taken a nap that bordered on comatose. It was only late evening by the time he woke up, and thankfully he felt a little less like death.

“Jungkook, your dad called for you. He finally got a break on base,” Jungkook's mother yelled, handing him her cell phone when he'd made it down the stairs.

Jungkook walked over to take the phone from her, sitting as he patiently waited for his father to answer his facetime call.

A few static filled moments later, Jungkook was looking at his dad, dressed in his usual Army tee and training pants.

“Jungkookie! Oh my goodness you look so much better than the last time I saw you. How are you feeling?” Jungkook's dad said in an uncharacteristically cheerful tone.

Jungkook chuckled at his father, happy to see him in good spirits for once.

“I feel good dad. How're things going over there?” he asked, not wanting to talk much about himself. He, overtly, felt the same as always. No need to talk about it.

“Everything's going fine here, nothing new,” he sighed, “I miss you Kookie, and your mom of course. You know I hate being away, but this is the last time, I promise.”

Jungkook thought back to the previous time his dad had said that to him. It was three weeks before he applied for another deployment, right after Jungkook had been released from the hospital for an upper respiratory infection.

Thankfully, the checks that he sent, and the ones that his mother received, allowed them to live a fairly comfortable life. The military paid Jungkook's hospital bills and made sure that he was taken care of, so what more could they ask for? Money was as good a replacement for familial figures as any, Jungkook supposed.

His mother reigned as their “head-of-household,” even though she was gone from their home almost as much as his father was, always working even though she didn't have to (as much as she did). At least she never really left Jungkook. She loved him unconditionally, and he knew that she would do anything for him, so he never brought it up.

He was a big boy capable of taking care of himself, he didn't need her to constantly keep watch anymore. She could enjoy her escape from their lives in peace, he wouldn't complain.

“Yeah. I know dad,” Jungkook said, hoping that the conversation would end quickly.

“Well son, you graduate tomorrow. I just want you to know how proud I am of you, and all that you've accomplished and will accomplish, despite what you've been through. Your brother wishes you well too,” his father said, as he'd obviously seen Jungkook’s brother before he went on his training mission.

“Tell him I said thank you when he comes back,” Jungkook said, genuinely excited at the mention of brother. If no one else did, Jeonhyuk had made sure to always be around for him, until his dad made it his goal to stay away as much as possible of course.

During Jungkook's last year of school, they'd made an agreement. He would go to the army with his father to keep an eye on him, and Jungkook would stay with their mother. It was something they knew they had to do, even if it took them away from each other. It was worth it to make sure their parents were okay.

“I will son,” Jungkook's father said, the sound of yelling soon being heard in the background.

“Gotta go, huh?” Jungkook said, unphased.

His dad huffed a little as he pushed himself from his chair, rolling his eyes as more announcements came.

“Sadly, yes. Duty calls. I’ll message and call you guys when i can. I love you Jungkook, and you too Ji-yeon!” the sergeant said, as he hurriedly rushed to end the phone call.

Jungkook walked over to his mother, who'd been listening quietly from the kitchen, and handed her back her phone.

“It's always nice to hear his voice, huh Kookie?” his mother asked, slowly chopping a bunch of onions.

Jungkook merely hummed in response, not wanting to upset his mother by admitting that he didn't care. He only really looked forward to his father’s calls because they normally came with an update about his brother.

Sensing his discomfort, his mother left it alone. She went back to her ramyun, chopping up all of her little add-ins as she fought her tears. Jungkook knew how hard everything was on her, but he could only do so much. He engulfed her in a hug, feeling like he at least owed her that.

“I love you so much Kookie,” his mother whispered, “So much that... I don't know what to do sometimes. I just, I would take this burden away from you if I could, but I can't. I-I can't and that hurts so much…”

Jungkook shushed his mother, gripping her tighter in his embrace. He held her as long as he could, until her noodles had begun to boil and she shooed him away.

“You have a big day tomorrow, go get some rest. Don't forget to take your medicines honey, I'll see you in the morning.”

Jungkook nodded solemnly, making his way back to his room.

“Don't forget to take yours either mom.”

//

“Don't trip. For the love of all things pure and holy, you better not fucking trip. I will personally fuck you up if you trip Jeon, I swear to God. Oh fuck…”

“ With honors, Jeon Jungkook!” the superintendent announced. The stadium that the school rented erupted in cheers. Jungkook couldn't even decipher his own family’s screams over all of the noise (besides Hoseok’s screeching of course, you could hear that shit in space).

The moment he walked across the stage (trip free, thank you very much) everything tunneled down to that little blue degree holder in his former counselor’s hand.

All he could see was the symbol of all of his hard work. The endless nights doing homework, spending time in class when all he’d wanted to do was crawl up and die, and fighting through his everyday pain just to make sure that he could be here had been worth it, because he had done it. Jeon Jungkook… the “sick kid”, the popular (despite all effort to be antisocial) kid, the “least likely to graduate on time” kid had fucking made it, and no one could take this away from him.

After the last four hundred of their class’s eight hundred had gotten their diplomas, it was finally time for the alma mater. The sound of his classmates voices filled the stadium, bouncing restlessly against the walls as everyone itched to leave. This was their last time together, and Jungkook would be lying if he said it wasn't bittersweet... but he'd also be lying if he said that he wasn't really fucking excited.

“...we love you!” their class shouted as they tossed their caps. Everyone immediately bursted into tears as they hugged their friends for what may be the last time. Even Yugyeom shed a tear when he caught sight of Jungkook across the crowd (but he’ll literally never admit it, shush ... it never happened).

“Jungkookie!” Jimin yelled as he scooped his dongsaeng into a hug, Hoseok close behind, “You're officially an adult! How's it feel?”

Jungkook shook his head, scoffing at the implications.

“Dude, I've been eighteen for months now. I've been an adult.”

“Okay… but you cried in the middle of a public theater during the Tony Stark versus Captain America scene,” Hoseok said, erupting into raucous laughter.

“No, you don't understand! Their relationship was improving and Tony was actually trying, but then Bucky betrayed the Cap and he still chooses Bucky over Tony! The betrayal my mans felt I-”
"You're getting teary again," Hoseok interrupted, causing Jungkook to sulk… like an adult . Adult sulking, it's a thing.

Jungkook couldn't help but perk up when his mother approached him, flowers in hand and a huge grin on her face. He could see the tears in her eyes starting to form, but at least they were happy ones. He was always okay with the happy ones.

“My baby isn't a baby anymore! Oh god, I'm old,” his mother groaned as she hugged her son.

His grandparents and his aunt stood behind her laughing with each other, all watching the pair excitedly. Hoseok and Jimin were doing the same.

“I remember the day I had you,” his mother said, caressing his cheek with her small fingers, “It was the most amount of pain I've ever felt, and I have a newfound appreciation for modern medicine… but it was so worth it, because I got you. I'll endure anything as long as I have you Jungkook.”

Jungkook let the tears welling his eyes fall freely. He held his mother tightly as his family poured in, creating a big group hug.

“Aw, we all love you Jungkookie. We’re so proud of you!” Hoseok yelled.

Jungkook couldn't imagine a happier moment. He was so thankful for this, and it would always be a time he remembers.

//

Why Jungkook was nervous about his first outpatient dialysis treatment, he’ll never know. The hospital he went to was one for children (but they let you stay until you turned twenty-four), so what did he really have to fear? The little ankle biters would all probably be engrossed in their cartoons or asleep anyway, he really just needed to calm down.

“Okay, Jimin is coming to get you at three-thirty Kookie. I'll see you when I come home if you're not sleeping. I love you honey!” his mother said as he exited the car, kissing his forehead before he went.

Jungkook went through the motions as he was instructed: get an ID badge, go up the elevator, get a wristband, wait.

He waited… and then he waited some more. After about twenty minutes of just sitting, waiting to go back into the dialysis unit, he finally asked the receptionist what the hold up was.

“Oh Jungkook, we're so sorry!” the receptionist, Natalie, a small woman with bleach blonde hair and fiery red lipstick muttered defeatedly, “Your nurse had a last minute inpatient to put on the machine first, but he’ll be right out for you, promise! It’s been a crazy morning.”

Jungkook nodded, albeit a bit begrudgingly. The way that Natalie’s hair was pushed away from her face, a sign that she’d been teasing it constantly, and the constant buzz of doctors and nurses going in and out of the unit was a dead giveaway that she was telling the truth.  Thankfully, Jungkook was nothing if not patient; a little kid sick enough to be admitted, and cause all of this fray, was definitely a bigger priority than he was. He just really wanted to get in so he could get back out.

“Jungkook,” the receptionist called, “Come on, I’ll take you back. He's ready for you now.”

With a deep huff of breath, Jungkook lifted himself from his seat and wordlessly followed the woman to the back. He listened as he was instructed once again: weigh himself, walk into the unit, find his chair, wait. The hospital was all about waiting.

Jungkook toed off his shoes as he stepped onto the scale, frowning as he saw the number. He was ten pounds heavier than he had been just a few days prior. He knew that his body was holding all of his water, but shit, ten pounds?

“Ah Jungkook you've already weighed,” Namjoon said, walking up to Jungkook as he stepped down from the scale, “Let’s see what we got.”

Namjoon pressed the recall button, bringing the horrifying number back onto the scale.

“Okay, you gained a little bit but we’ll fix that today. Just watch your fluids, remember?”

Jungkook hummed, picking up his belongings as Namjoon spoke silently to him as they walked to the area where the dialysis machines were.

He knew it was rude, he hated it when people did it to him, but he couldn't help but stare as he walked through the rows of children on machines. Some were sleeping, like he thought, but others were sitting up, staring right back at him. They ranged anywhere from a few months old, being held tightly by their mothers in their chairs, to “big kids,” like him.

He couldn't stop the twinge of sadness that pulled at his heart as he watched the younger kids being put onto their machines. Some were missing limbs, others with additional machines off to their sides, while others looked relatively fine, except they were much smaller than they should be. These were the moments when he felt grateful. Despite being sick, and that sucking monumentally, it could have always been worse. Some people have it so much worse.

“Okay, your chair is the last one on the right. I’ll go grab you some blankets and we can get you started,” Namjoon said, dashing off to carry out his plans.

Jungkook nodded meekly, more to himself than anything. He attempted to keep his eyes more downcast as he passed the last few of the smaller children, desperately trying not to get upset at the sight.

You can do this. You will not cry today damn it, not today.

He rounded the corner, turning right as Namjoon told him to, and was a little thrown at what he saw. Next to his chair, there was a hoard of doctors surrounding a small blonde boy. He looked at them all with the most horrendously bored expression that Jungkook had ever seen. He tried to avoid his gaze as the boy looked up at him, staring daggers as he moved on to his chair.

“Alright Jungkook, I'm going to put this cuff on your arm so I can take your blood pressure, and then I’ll put you on,” Namjoon said as he did just that, not seeming to notice that Jungkook's interests were elsewhere.

He tried to be subtle with his eavesdropping, but he couldn't help the little squeak that escaped his lips when he heard one of the doctor’s words.

“Yoongi, you have to take your medicines and come here every other day, from now on, okay?” the doctor pleaded, “Now that both your transplant kidney and your origin kidneys have been removed, you can't afford to miss a single treatment. The medicines help keep your levels in check too… are you listening?”

Jungkook looked over the wall to see the boy, Yoongi, shrugging halfheartedly. He didn't hear his mumbled reply but he saw the defeated look spread across his face. The boy seemed pretty stoic, but Jungkook could tell that he was sad, whether he showed it well or not.

“Okay Jungkook, sit so I can start you.”

Jungkook did as he was told, staring blankly as his mind reeled around what he'd just heard.

“Hey, I have a question…” Jungkook mumbled, hopeful that his nurse had heard him anyway. Thankfully, he did.

“You heard what that doctor said, huh? About both of his kidneys being gone?” Namjoon said, speaking quietly as to not disturb the pow wow occurring next to them.

Jungkook nodded slowly, trying to process the thought on his own.

“You can't live without your kidneys… right? How does- how can that be possible?” Jungkook said, unable to ward off the unbridled confusion in his tone.

Namjoon sighed softly to himself. He worked quickly as he cleared the lines of Jungkook's catheter, making sure it was nice and clean as he attached him to the machine. The sight of his blood pouring from the device in his chest into the lines that ran into a machine, of all things, was something he was yet to be used to. But, like always, he surprised his panic and urged himself to calm down. This would happen whether he wanted it to or not, what good would panicking do?

“It's possible to live without your kidneys if you're on dialysis, and doing consistent treatments. Yoongi had a transplant but it failed a few days ago, that's why he's inpatient.”

Jungkook wanted that to give him clarity, but it only brought more questions.

“So… when you get a transplant, they take them out? And, if it fails, you're shit out of luck?” he said, scrunching up his face as he did.

Namjoon chuckled softly, amusing by Jungkook's curiosity.

“No, no. They may take them out if they're causing more harm than good or if whatever killed the transplant kidney affected the origin ones as well. It's a complicated thing. But, don't worry too much. He's a fighter, and he'll be fine,” Namjoon said, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips.

Jungkook turned his head as he heard a plethora of chairs scraping at the floor. All the specialists and doctors had finally decided to leave.

“Wow Namjoon, tell him my whole life story, why don't you,” Yoongi said, huffing softly to himself as the doctors walked away.

Jungkook looked up at his nurse, gauging his reaction. He didn't seem too shaken by the seemingly angry tone in the boy’s voice. Although he couldn't see Yoongi over the half-wall that separated them, he was still able to speak to him.

“Yoongi, I'm sorry. I just heard what they were saying to you and it made me worry.”

The boy scoffed, chuckling loudly at Jungkook's words.

“Kid, I'm definitely older than you. You can't be more than, what? Eighteen? Nineteen?  Be respectful.”

Jungkook looked at Namjoon, perplexed by the idea that the tiny human that sat next to him was older than him. He had been sitting down when Jungkook saw him, sure, but he could still tell that he was small in stature. But the more Jungkook thought about it, he did have an awe-inspiring stoicism that anyone younger than him couldn't possibly possess. That kind of poker face came from years of having to “be okay.”

“He's actually older than me too. I'm twenty, and he's twenty-one,” Namjoon commented, busying himself with their lab work as they talked.

Jungkook gaped, his mouth mimicking the fish that his mother would buy for her maeuntang soup.

“It's so annoying. He thinks he's boss just because he's my nurse.”

“It's not my fault that I happen to be a super genius and graduated early,” Namjoon chuckled, blushing as he uttered the words.

Jungkook could hear the eye-roll in Yoongi’s words.

“Whatever Joonie. I'm just trying to survive. Let me live,” the older man whined.

Jungkook chuckled as well, amused by the two older men’s dynamic. It was weird, given how they'd all met, but Jungkook could see this… working. Maybe it all wouldn't be so bad.

“Jungkook just graduated yesterday,” Namjoon said, giving Jungkook a knowing smile. He couldn't help but be proud, just like everyone else was.

“Awesome. Glad you didn't drop out like half of the people here normally do,” Yoongi said nonchalantly.

Jungkook chose to ignore his comment, unsure of how to take the implications in them.

“Thanks. Are you in school or anything?” Jungkook asked.

“If you're asking if I dropped out then the answer’s no. I graduated really late but I still did it. I do online classes at UNB, the arts school.”

Jungkook choked on his spit. His friend, who also happened to be sick, was into art enough fucking go to school, his future school, for it.

“Are you kidding me?” Jungkook asked, to which Yoongi hummed an affirmative, “That's where I'm going! My friends Hoseok and Jimin have been there for a while too and they love it.”

Namjoon raised his eyebrows, acting as a sort of “facial-expression-conveyor” since the two boys couldn't see each other.

“Really? What are you going for?” Yoongi asked, his interest seemingly roused for the first time all day.

The boys had an animated (well… as animated as they could be given that they couldn't see shit) conversation about their mutual love for music, and Jungkook's love for both painting and graphic design. Yoongi had been taking online music production classes for the semester, while Jungkook planned on being an art major (with a specialization in GD). Namjoon looked fondly as Yoongi spoke of his “grand plan” to become a music producer one day. The time seemed to fly by.

“Jungkookie,” Jimin said, sauntering towards his chair.

Jungkook looked at his machine’s clock. He had just gotten there, why did he only have twenty minutes left? Not that he was complaining really, his ass hurt and he was ready to leave.

“Oh, hi! I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Hoseok’s friend, Jimin. I'm taking Jungkook home today,” he said, running into a slightly confused Namjoon.

“Oh, um… of course I rem- I mean uh, n-nice to see you again Jimin. I’ll go get you a chair,” Namjoon said, scurrying off to find said chair.

Jimin giggled to himself, “Ah, he's still so nerdy. It's cute, suits him.”

Jungkook chuckled a little too, “Did you two have a thing or something? Because he seems oftly nervous to see you.”

Namjoon came back shortly after, setting down Jimin’s chair carefully before he moved again. Busying himself with refilling Yoongi’s machine with cleaning solution (it's actually vinegar and a special cleaner that cleans his blood, Jungkook finds out).

“Namjoon, your blush is showing,” Yoongi, attempts (but did he really?), to whisper.

Jimin giggles at that, staring at Namjoon until he eventually relented and made eye contact with him.

“It's not like that, right Jimin?” Namjoon pleaded.

Jimin shrugged his shoulders, playfully batting his eyelashes in what Jungkook knew was an “I know something that you all don't” kind of way.

“Not at all. I wouldn't peg myself for your type,” Jimin said, mischief ripping from his tone.

Namjoon’s ears were so red that Jungkook could've mistaken them for tomatoes. He was used to the older man being flustered but never this flustered.

Yoongi coughed a little, demanding attention in his own passive way.

“Jimin, this is Yoongi by the way. He does online classes but they're through our school!”

Jimin hummed as he looked over at the little blond man.

“Oh really? What for?”

“Music production. It's just a thing I do, I guess,” Yoongi said, sounding bashful. Jungkook would've thought he heard wrong, until he saw that knowing smile creep onto Jimin’s face. Someone had a thing for him, and of course Jimin knew it.

“That sounds cool! I dance. Maybe you can play a song for me sometime, and I'll dance to it,” Jimin suggested, looking at Yoongi in that sickly sweet way that let Jungkook know that the feeling was mutual.

“T-that um, that sounds fine. Yeah, we could- we could do that. The song I mean, we could do something with a song,” Yoongi stuttered.

Namjoon seemed increasingly amused by their exchange, jumping slightly when Yoongi’s machine started to beep.

“Okay, Jimin. I need to take Yoongi off and then I’ll take Jungkook off and you can all be on your way. Can you go wait in the front for me?”

Jimin nodded, bending down to give Jungkook a hug before he walked away, also shooting Yoongi one of his signature eye smiles as he went. He was gone for all of five seconds before Yoongi started freaking out.

“Oh my god! He's the most beautiful thing I think I’ve ever seen! He looks like someone literally carved him from stone or some shit, I don't know. Fuck, I’m so not worthy. No one deserves an ass that perfect, oh my god,” Yoongi said, all in one breath, as Namjoon removed the lines connecting him to the machine.

“Yoongi, chill,” Namjoon laughed, “You're making your blood pressure all wonky.”

“I can't help it!” the usual stoic man said, “He's perfection, and fuck he dances! He's a dancer Namjoon, and his smile was so cute I literally wanted to explode. And, oh no…”

Jungkook’s smile faded when he registered the genuine fear in his friend’s tone.

“Yoongi, what's wrong?”

Now that Yoongi wasn't attached to his machine, and his blood pressure was fine, he could walk in front of Jungkook's chair.

“It's just…” Yoongi said, fiddling with the strings hanging from his long sweater, “He wants to hang out with me. He’ll notice I'm just a sick loser and realize he's too good for me.”

Jungkook frowned, sad that Yoongi thought so little of his friend.

“Hey, Jimin is one of the most genuine, sweet people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. He wouldn't care about that, hell, he and I are friends and I’m sick! It's no big deal.”

Jungkook knew that his words weren't entirely true. Being friends with a sick person wasn't always the easiest thing, and dating one had to be even harder. There was always fear for the future, their future, and the sick person didn't always feel the best. But, they were still people; they were full of hopes, and dreams, and personalities unique to themselves. He knew Jimin, and Jimin wouldn't let that affect things.

Namjoon gripped Yoongi’s shoulder, rubbing softly to comfort his friend. Eventually they had to go weigh him, so he could go home. Namjoon returned quickly, taking Jungkook off with practiced precision.

“All done,” Namjoon said, taking off Jungkook's blood pressure cuff, “Let’s go weigh and then you can be on your way.”

Jungkook groaned at the horrible attempt at a pun, silently shaking his head at the older man.

Jungkook felt anxiety creep up his spine as he walked up to the scale. He'd never been very worried about his weight, as he was on the dance team and worked out constantly. But now, he was gaining weight in insane intervals and no longer able to lift weights because of his catheter. This was new territory for Jungkook and he didn't like it.

“Okay, we got all the extra fluid off, perfect,” Namjoon said, looking at his weight, “Do you feel okay?”

Jungkook nodded meekly. He was only lying a little bit this time. He didn't feel terrible, just extremely tired and close to death. He was used to it though, and he didn't feel any worse than normal, so he said “I'm fine.”

Namjoon nodded, not entirely convinced but willing to let it pass. Jungkook was new to treatments, his body would need some time to adjust and figure out his new lifestyle.

“Okay, well you have my number now. Please call me if you start to feel too bad, I'm here to help. As your nurse and your friend Kook.”

Jungkook genuinely smiled, happy that his caretaker was so willing to, well, care about him.

“Bye Joon,” Jungkook said, walking towards Jimin once he spotted him in the lobby.

“Ready to go?” he said, standing from his seat by the elevators.

“Get me the hell out of here ,” Jungkook said, chuckling meekly as he walked with his friend.

//

Chapter Text

“ Kookie!” his mother yelled up the stairs, “Jeon Jungkook! You have treatment in like... an hour! Wake your butt up right now! Don't make me come up there!”

The shrill sound of his mother’s uncharacteristic yelling was so not how Jungkook wanted to start his day. He'd spent the previous night endlessly tossing and turning, unable to sleep in this new pattern of insomnia he'd developed. Who can sleep at night when your body is drained and you're passed out half of the day? Not Jeon Jungkook, that's who.

“I'm awake already! jeez,” he called out, throwing his legs over the edge of his mattress, “Aren't you supposed to be at work anyway? Jimin’s taking me today, he's on his way already.”

Jungkook stumbled around his room mindlessly, readying himself for the next four hours of hell he had to endure.

His room door burst open, his mother walking past him briskly with no care to his state of undress.

“Mom!” he yelled, grabbing the closest item to him (last term’s math homework) to cover his bare chest, “Do you not believe in privacy anymore? This is m-”

“Oh hush,” she said, rummaging through the contents of Jungkook’s medicine tray, and checking his mini fridge, “I just needed to make sure you took your medicines this morning and that you did that urine collection thing they asked you to.”

Jungkook ignored the rise of heat to his cheeks at the mention of the carton of his own pee tucked away in his refrigerator; checking his kidney function was so fun. Instead, he scoffed at his mom, thrown by her complete lack of respect for him.

“Well, you could've just asked you know. That's a thing we civilized folk do when we have a question about something.”

His ears were ringing well before he felt the slap against his cheek .

“ You do not talk to me that way… understand? See, this is why your father needs to be here. You don't even respect me anymore as your parent,” his mother said, stomping away angrily as she gathered her things and headed to work in a huff.

It had only been three months since he'd started dialysis, but it felt like a year. The new bills, medications, and schedules were all just a bit much for his mother. Her peaceful time away from him, and all of the inconveniences that his condition brought was being taken from her. Before Jungkook’s kidneys had failed, she only had to do the bare minimum by keeping his bills paid and having his appointments scheduled once every three months. Now, a little more effort was required, and that wasn't sitting very well with her.

Jungkook took out his phone, cursing at his violently shaking hands as he dialed an all too familiar number.

It took all of two rings before his friend’s voice could be heard on the other end.

“Hey, Kookie! I'm on your street already, I'll be there in literally a minute,” Jimin said, as bright and cheerful as always.

“O-okay,” Jungkook said, trying to keep his voice steady as he clutched the phone with two hands, “See you.”

Jimin hadn't been lying. By the time Jungkook had hung up the phone and put on his shoes, Jimin was outside knocking at his door.

“Morning!” Jimin said enthusiastically, obviously not having caught the tension in Jungkook’s shoulders yet, “Ready to go?”

Jungkook sighed deeply, rubbing at his burning eyes. The tears he'd yet to shed were threatening to escape at just the sound of his friend’s voice.

“Hey…woah,  what's wrong? Let's go inside and talk.”

Jimin steered Jungkook over to the loveseat strategically placed in his living room. His mother said that it “added balance to the ‘feng shui’ of their home” whatever the fuck that means.

“Okay. What happened?” Jimin said, settling next to Jungkook on the couch.

Jungkook sighed softly to himself, cursing himself for this momentary display of weakness. He took a deep breath, tucking his emotions neatly away and regaining his cool exterior.

“She hit me this morning.”

Jimin gaped at his friend, his plush lips opening and closing languidly as he struggled for the right words to say.

“She- why would she do that?”

“I got smart with her,” Jungkook said, shrugging his shoulders, “She wasn't in the mood today so she slapped me. I should've just stayed out of her way. It's always like this after I've been out of the hospital for a while, I should've known.”

“Jungkook, no. She's gotten mad at you before and she's never hit you. Is she even taking her medicine anymore? Since, you know?”

Jungkook did know. He felt bad for his mom, very much so actually. After all, it’d only been a few weeks since she’d found out about her husband’s affair. On top of that, she had a sick kid, another kid who couldn't come home, and a job that was steadily cutting her hours. Jungkook understood, and he empathized, even when every bone in his body demanded he be upset at her anyway.

“Even if she is taking the meds, it doesn’t really matter. She’s been downing a bottle of wine every night now anyway. Antidepressants don’t mix very well with alcohol Jimin."

The smaller boy was quiet for a moment, absentmindedly running his fingertips over the back of his own thigh, before reaching over to take the younger boy’s fingers into his own chubby hold.

“It'll be okay. I'm here! We all are. There's just a lot going on, it'll get better. School starts soon too! You'll be an independent man,” Jimin said, offering Jungkook one of his most sincere smiles.

Jungkook grinned at the thought. He'd still have to work out his treatment with his school and figure out how he'd get around, but it would be worth it. Chasing his dreams was worth the effort. Jungkook got so lost in his fantasy that he didn't tell Jimin, in light of recent events, he was scared of leaving his mother alone. She never really fared well on her own.

“Damn, come on… up up up,” Jimin said, hastily shooing Jungkook towards his front door, “We have to go or we’ll be late.”

“Man, Yoongi might be sad if he gets any less time than usual with me during his treatment today.”

Jungkook shook his head, breathing out a chuckle as they walked to Jimin’s two-seater Nissan 370Z NISMO.

“On second thought, we're already gonna be late Jimin, might as well relax a little,” Jungkook said, bunny teeth on display as he slowed his pace.

“Nope. My parents didn't buy me such a fast car for no reason. We’re getting there on time,” he said, pulling out of the younger boy’s driveway as soon as they were both safely strapped in the car. Jimin’s ‘ not sexy, totally sexy but if anyone asks it’s not a sex playlist’ made their mood on the way to the hospital.

Sigh… another day another hospital visit.

//

“What the hell do you mean the dialysis unit’s hours are changing?” Jungkook questioned a very distraught Natalie.

Jungkook had built a reputation as one of the more mild-tempered patients in the unit. He very rarely got upset and if he did, he never yelled or gave any of the staff an attitude, even when every pubescent hormone in his body begged him to. He just wasn't the angry type, so his display of irritation was unexpected for Natalie.

“I'm so sorry Jungkook,” the secretary said, gathering paperwork together, “I know we only introduced it as a possibility but everything got moved up really fast. We’re closed on your treatment days starting when school does.”

Jungkook sighed deeply, rubbing his hands across his face in an effort to calm his anger.

“Well, what am I supposed to do about school Nat? I already submitted my class schedule and if I change it then I'll be on waiting lists. I might not get my classes rescheduled on time!”

Natalie stopped her organizing to look Jungkook in his face, paying him the necessary attention.

“Jungkook I'm so sorry about the inconvenience but you'll have to work that out with your school hun, we can have the social worker come help you if you need?”

Jungkook rolled his eyes and shook his head. He didn't want the help, he didn't need the help. At the end of the day, all of this would fall back on him eventually anyway, so he may as well deal with it himself.

“It's okay, I got it. I'll figure it out,” Jungkook huffed.

“Okay Jungkook, we’re here to help if you need it. Also, your new schedule is going to be Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 11:30 to 3:00 like it is now, just different days,” Natalie said, sliding over a form for Jungkook to sign acknowledging he knew about the change.

Jungkook scoffed loudly, vehemently shaking his head.

“That's not gonna work Natalie, I can't stop going to school for three days out of the week! There's no way I can only get classes on Tuesday and Thursday, there's no way.”

Natalie stood with her mouth agape, scrambling for a pen in the messy haze that was her desk.

“Okay, okay. Calm down. We’re still going to be open on Saturday for the kids who can't miss school that much, like you. Would Monday, Wednesday, Saturday be easier?”

Jungkook had long gotten over missing his Saturdays. He still had his Fridays free, and in the transition into senior year, he'd noticed that no one really hung out on Saturdays anymore anyway. He wasn't sacrificing anything since he was already normally in treatment that day anyway. The only thing changing was his Monday through Friday routine. He could handle that.

“That'd be so much better, yes,” he said, audibly exhaling in a non-irate manner for the first time all morning.

“Good, I'll mark you down for the new days. I hope you can figure this out with school dude. Seriously, tell us if you need a letter or anything to make this easier, we’ll do that.”

Jungkook nodded solemnly, gathering his pillow and cell phone as he motioned for Jimin to come over to him.

“What's up? Is he going back now?” Jimin asked, directing his question to the secretary.

“Yes he can go back, but Jimin you know the drill. You have to wait until everyone's on their machines and then you can go back. Yoongi can wait,” the tiny woman said, winking before she came around to let Jungkook into the unit.

Jungkook smiled at his friend, noticing his blush before he walked away to his seat in the waiting room.

“They're cute huh?” Natalie asked, waiting to jot down Jungkook’s weight as he stepped on the scale.

I gained 1.5 kilos today. Fuck. I tried to watch my water this time and everything.

“Yeah, I never pegged Yoongi as the soft type but he literally sits there pouting his entire treatment if Jimin doesn't come with me. Even though he just spends the whole time texting him if he doesn't come anyway!” Jungkook said, grabbing his shoes and the rest of his stuff as Natalie walked him back to his chair.

“Well, there's someone that brings out the deepest parts of us out there for everyone. Some just find them earlier in life than others,” Natalie said, waving at the little kids they passed by on their walk.

“Oh! I need to go talk to Niomi’s mom before she leaves. Have a good treatment. I’ll see you in a few hours,” Natalie said, rushing out her words as she dashed back to the front.

Jungkook shook his head with a chuckle as he watched her borderline sprint back to her desk area. Natalie was the one person other than his mother Jungkook knew to be perpetually running around like a decapitated chicken. They were both tiny women too. Why was Jungkook surrounded by so many tiny humans anyway? Mental note: find taller friends.

Jungkook walked back to his chair at a leisurely pace, taking his time to wave at all the little babies he'd grown fond of during his time at the hospital. It hurt his heart deeply to see just how many kids there were in his treatments. Okay, yes, he did still go to a children’s hospital… so it was kind of a given that the other patients would be children too, but still! All those little lives, so touched by darkness, yet they still looked as if there was an abundance of light. Who was he to feel bad when the little ones were okay?

“Jungkook! Good to see you back,” Namjoon said, while Jungkook’s feet carried him back to his chair.

“Like I have any choice but to be here Joonie,” Jungkook scoffed, rolling his eyes dramatically at his nurse.

“Hey, you could totally say fuck it and never come again. You’d die but you can’t say you don’t have the option,” Yoongi said, leisurely flipping through post after post on tumblr (Jimin’s tumblr? Jungkook had definitely seen that layout before).

“Absolutely not!” Namjoon scolded, “Yoongi, stop being a bad influence. Don’t put ideas in his head.”

“Bad influence? Me?” Yoongi gasped incredulously, putting his hand over his heart for good measure, “Yeah, you're right, I totally am.”

Jungkook was too busy laughing at Yoongi’s ever-entertaining dry humor to notice Namjoon connecting him to his machine, the easy conversation between him and the older boy beside him a welcome distraction from the not so pleasant process.

The telltale sound of kitten heels on marble floors alerted Jungkook to the presence of the unit’s receptionist long before he laid eyes on her.

“Namjoon, are all the kids on yet?” Natalie asked, her hair a mess of tangles atop her head.

The male nurse nodded his head, shooting the small woman a thumbs up as he started Jungkook’s treatment.

“Does that mean Jimin can come back now?” Yoongi asked, not lifting his head from his laptop, and in as deadpan a tone as he could muster (despite the grin creeping up his cheeks).

Natalie chuckled softly to herself, “Yes it does. Also, we have new volunteers coming through here today. They don't start until next week but they want to get acclimated to you all, you're some of the patients they'll see more often than others.”

Jungkook nodded to signal his understanding, much too engrossed in his game of flappy bird (which of course the young man still had downloaded) to pay anyone else much attention.

“Are you both okay meeting them? You're both around the same age as some of the kids, maybe it'd be nice to make more friends your age.”

“Yup,” Yoongi said, “Bring on the do-gooders.”

Natalie walked back to the front, leaving the boys in their momentary silence once again.

“Hey Yoongi,” Namjoon said, sliding his rolly chair to where he could see the small platinum blonde, “How’s your online class going?”

Jungkook heard Yoongi’s huff, and could only imagine the eyeroll that went with it.

“Joonie, all my classes are online classes. I'm in online school,” Yoongi mumbled, then sighed, “But it's fine. Summer classes are awesome honestly, they're really short.”

“Awww, they're just like you Yoongi,” Jungkook cooed, eternally grateful that the smaller man couldn't move when a middle finger was flashed over their half wall.

“Hey, leave my tiny man alone. He can kick your butt you know,” Jimin said, pulling over a chair of his own as he made his way over to Yoongi.

“Yoongi… kicking my butt? These buns are made of steel babe. He'd break his tiny ankles trying,” Jungkook taunted, pointedly avoiding Yoongi’s death stare from over the wall.

“You just wait until I'm out of this chair Jeon,” Yoongi threatened, Jimin shaking his baby fist at Jungkook in Yoongi’s place.

“When you're off the machine, Jungkook will still be on his. He's disabled! You can't hit a disabled guy,” Namjoon chimed in, paying special attention to the nothing that was displayed on his computer screen.

“He's got you there,” Jimin agreed, shrugging his shoulders and leaning back in his chair.

“I hate all of you.”

“Except for me,” Jimin cooed, taking Yoongi’s hand from his laptop to place a kiss on it.

“...Debateable,” Yoongi deadpanned, turning his attention back to his laptop. Jungkook couldn't see him, but he could definitely tell that he said it with a grin on his lips.

“Oh look, it's the future humanitarians of America club,” Yoongi said, drawing everyone’s attention to the small mass of people walking around the unit, greeting all of the kids that felt like interacting today.

“You know what my favorite kind of humanitarian is? Philanthropists. Like yes, please, donate all of your money to the Park Jimin foundation, I will gladly let you make yourself feel better through me.”

“Ha! I'm with that. Can we make it the Park-Jeon Foundation for #brokeboys?”

“Make that the Jeon-Park-Min Foundation for #brokeboys, we all need a little love and money in our lives.”

“I think you're good on the love front Yoongi,” Jungkook said, grinning at all the older boys.

“And I think we all agree that we're a little short on the money front, so let's focus on how we can scam our ways to billionaire status. I got loans to student loans to pay.”

“Don't we all?” a voice that definitely wasn't involved in the conversation before said.

“Oh hi!” Namjoon said, walking over to greet the newcomer, “You must be one of the college interns huh? I'm Namjoon, one of the nurses. This is Yoongi right here, don't mind the resting bitch face, he's a literal marshmallow on the inside. And this, is Jeon Jungkook.”

Jungkook can officially say that he's looked directly into the sun, and somehow didn't go blind. Mute, however, yeah… that's a different story.

“Um… I’m Taehyung, Kim Taehyung. I don't know if you heard me the first… or second time, um-”

The sun is talking. The living, breathing, golden rays of the sun were shining approximately two feet in front of where Jungkook sat glued to his chair, and they could talk. Jungkook can honestly say that he never expected the sun’s voice to have such a rich deep baritone. What would the sun sound like singing? Laughing? The young man had never needed to know the secrets of the universe so badly until that moment.

“Wow, I think you broke him,” Yoongi said, taking his plushy (children’s hospitals, always giving their kiddos free plush dolls) and tossing it at Jungkook’s head from his side of the half wall.

The loud beeping of Jungkook’s machine is what broke him from his reverie. Namjoon moved swiftly to turn off the blood pressure alarm that was wailing from the machine. Jungkook's heart rate was high, go figure.

“I-uh, I’m-uh, Jason… No! Jungkook. I'm Jungkook. And… sunshine, you… uh, yes.”

The stranger, Taehyung, giggled adorably. He covered his mouth a little with his perfectly manicured hand. God, he probably didn't even really have to try. He just… looked like that. He traced the curve of his bottom lip with one obscenely long, pretty finger, then did the impossible. He spoke to Jungkook again.

“Hm, sunshine? I wouldn't have pegged you for a nickname upon meeting type… Sure, why not though. Tae Tae, aka Sunshine. I like it.”

Jimin did a very poor job of stifling his laugh with his hand, enjoying the look of borderline horror plastered on Jungkook’s face.

“He really isn't but you must've caught his eye,” Jimin said, letting his laugh go uncovered when Jungkook's blood pressure alarm sounded, again, “I’m Jimin. This is my boyfriend, Yoongi.”

Yoongi shut his laptop at the mention of the ‘B’ word. Jungkook had known the two boys became official not long after meeting (so had everyone ), but it was still adorable to watch Yoongi trip all over himself at the acknowledgment that he was in fact in a relationship with one Park Jimin.

“Yup, that's me. Min Yoongi. The boyfriend of Park Jimin. Online college, technical high school dropout, kidney failure extraordinaire. The boy gaping at you like a fish out of water is Jungkook.”

“It’s really nice to meet you two, and you Namjoon,” the student said, slightly bowing to the nurse, “And Jungkook, it was really lovely meeting you too. I have to go finish making my rounds but I'll be back next week to officially start. I'll see you all later!”

The band of young men all waved to the retreating boy as he returned to his group.

“Aw, he seems nice. Hopefully, he gets to come around like he said,” Jimin mused, absentmindedly flipping through his Instagram feed.

“Sun… the-suns… the literal sun just walked around the place and none of you are freaking out?” Jungkook said, staring blankly into the space in front of him, wide-eyed and contemplative as ever.

“No we aren't, but you are. Chill, you keep tripping off your machine alarm. You're making me do work,” Namjoon said, getting up to turn off Jungkook’s machine once again.

“I… I think, I think I might be in love.”

Jimin looked up from his phone, chuckling as he rolled over the Jungkook’s side.

“Hey, you could barely talk to him. At least have a real conversation before you go declaring all the ways you can count your love, okay?”

Jungkook nodded his head thoughtfully.

That was it!

Talking… Jungkook just had to talk to Mr. Sunshine.

Chapter Text

hello everyone! It’s been… way way way too long.

I feel horrible.

I’m so sorry I haven’t been back to this pseud account and haven’t updated this fic. 

I know I posted something about it at the time but that was literal years ago so here's a refresher. I was going through a really rough patch when I completely scrapped the fic that this was before (Cleanse Me, now reuploaded as New Balance on my account: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13379610/chapters/30643341 , if you’d ever like to go back and reread what this story originally was--I’m uploading the 6 chapters I wrote of it and then leaving it alone for reasons I'll explain further below ).

For any of you who weren’t around and/or obviously don’t remember this, my mom died. Then I was in the hospital for a month fighting for my life while I got a kidney transplant that I needed, or I wouldn’t have lasted until the end of that year (2017).  I got my transplant on 01/27/2017 and didn’t leave the hospital until early March.

A lot has happened since then. My dad passed away as well, and I realized I had never dealt with trauma from my mom’s death and what that did to me emotionally.

I started this fic as a way to deal with what was happening and express my feelings about everything: her passing (yeah i was going to have jungkook’s mom mirror mine in this fic, super sad and emo lol i know) and how stressful dialysis was and how badly I wanted to do well in school and how in love with my boyfriend i was at the time. Well, life happens and not everything ended up all sunshine and rainbows but I’m in a good place now, despite the world going to absolute shit outside lol. I’m no longer with my boyfriend but we’re still good friends, everything was v amicable. We just realized things were very codependent and unhealthy between us and we needed to live separate lives to grow, and that’s fine. He was the Tae of this story (although no, lol this isn’t how I met him. This short one-shot is actually about how we started dating: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10539885 ). 

I graduated college recently and overall for the last 4 years have really just gotten to be a normal, non-sickly person and it’s been so necessary. I love and appreciate that you guys were all so interested in this fic in the beginning, and even after I changed it. I’m so sorry to have left like that and I’m sorry to say I won’t be coming back to it. It’s so hard mentally putting myself back into the place I was around this time and it’s just not worth the mental anguish for me at this point in my life. But, I do still love to write when I can and miss you guys who I met through this fic so much :’) I upload on here still through the pseud “mirixx:” https://archiveofourown.org/users/laotaohoney/pseuds/mirixx if you ever want to catch up on the type of writing im doing these days. Less angsty and generally sad, more fun and smutty and about more lighthearted shit. Im still around on twitter if any of you want to catch up! 

[mmadi_twt]

Thank you for the love and support you guys gave me during the hardest part of my life. You have no idea how much it helped me through those times.

Miss you & hope to talk to you all again soon  ♡

- LTH aka Madi -