Chapter Text
A warm sunny day afternoon. The entire estate was quiet and only voice of his family members could be heard nearby. The staff members were standing close by while still maintaining enough distance.
He was running behind his brother who was laughing merrily. There was no reason behind the older boy's delight other than the plain old excitement of a child.
But he himself was too young to even understand that pure delight for he was only following behind his brother because... No reason at all. He was just curious at the pure passion and energy of his older sibling who he looked upto even at such a tender age.
His brother was dotted upon by everyone in the family. He was bright, bubbly and intelligent for a child his age. He was kind too as he generously shared everything he got with his younger sibling whom their parents had expected to steal the limelight but had rather turned out to be a quiet kid.
"It's okay the quieter ones usually turn out to be brainy" one of his relatives had said and that had made his mother hopeful.
But that hope was quickly crushed as she watched him struggle to figure out things that kids his age figured out very easily.
He had said his first word at 3 years of age and couldn't walk until a few weeks before his 2nd birthday which had left his parents extremely worried that he was going to fall behind in everything and probably had some developmental disorders.
The doctors had said that he was perfectly fine and had his own pace of doing things but his parents had been upset nonetheless. But him being unaware to their grave voices and cold eyes had always ran towards their embrace expecting warmth.
The nannies that looked after him loved him. They said he was an easy kid who made no fuss. He ate whatever they gave him and whenever they gave him.
He used to watch the tall bodyguards who stood outside his room. They never looked down at him or met his eyes but they fascinated him to a great extent because his father had told him that those men were there to protect him.
He wondered what they could protect him against. Perhaps from his mother who woke him up from his sleep each morning, his brother who sometimes took hours to explain things he couldn't understand or his father whose voice got so loud at times that he felt startled.
The nannies and maids also squeezed his cheeks and told him that he was a dumb and beautiful prince. He didn't really understand what the first word meant but he knew that the second word was used to describe nice things so they must find him really nice.
But at times they just didn't leave him alone. They never let him draw by himself, write by himself or even play alone. They thought he just couldn't do it without help and he felt too embarrassed to ask them not to interfere.
After some time he himself accepted that he just couldn't do things by himself. He was just incapable of doing so.
Everytime they helped him do something they used to give him hugs. Like really tight hugs to the point his ribs started hurting and he struggled in their arms.
In moments like those he used to desperately look near his door for the men his father had stationed to protect him but he had never been able to gather up the courage to find him voice and call out to them for help.
"Oh he's so grown up already! You've developed an amazing dressing sense my dear. And here we have the little boy of the family. Why not pick up some of your brother's dressing quirks my dear"
An old colleague of his father had said this with a huge smile on her lips as he squished his face and fawned upon how soft his skin felt.
Her hands were rough and a sharp sweet smell was coating the old smell of her skin and clothes. It felt unpleasant when he felt her sharp nails on his face.
He had rushed to the place where his mother was speaking to a bunch of ladies. He had tried hug her as hard as he could and hide in her arms but as he got closer to her he was quickly pulled away by one of his mother's staff members as his mother stepped away a bit in shock.
As he looked up at her she awkwardly turned towards her friends and laughed before turning towards him.
"You've been told not to do this anymore. Mama can get hurt you know? And so can your baby brother"
She gently caressed her hands over her swollen belly as she looked down and smiled at it affectionately like she was looking directly at the baby.
Then she gently ran her fingers through his hair.
"I hope the new one takes after his father. He keeps complaining that these two are nothing like him"
"I think Tankhun is a perfect balance between you both" one of her friends commented.
"Oh my Kinn completely takes after me. He's just... Not so smart"
His mother had said that in the sweetest and most gentle voice possible but still it had instantly broken something inside the child's heart.
Till now he had just experienced emotions but had never felt them and here for the first time he was feeling something so deep and hurtful. He was too young to even understand what heartbreak was but could feel it already.
He wasn't smart. His mother had herself said so. He wasn't good like his family was. He lowered his head in embarrassment as he felt tears cloud in his eyes because of the words he was too young to understand yet.
But still his mother's words had more impact on his life than she ever got to know. Deep down he had learnt to accept that his mother was right. Maybe he was a little too dumb compared to his family.
He had noticed a shift in everybody's demeanour towards him the day when his father declared him the heir to the family's business.
His family was suddenly acting like they were all in disbelief and constantly asking him to behave a little more mature for the sake of his reputation.
The staff members however had gone really cold and somehow did their best to avoid any type of interaction with him.
He hadn't understood the weightage of his father's words at that moment but it all became very clear to him soon enough.
Very soon he got to accompany his father to events which his brother used to attend earlier. At the start he was very fond of the attention and thrill of it all but soon he discovered that his parents were actually upset because he couldn't properly communicate with the guests present at those events properly.
Several more teachers were hired to teach him how to walk, how to talk, how to eat and everything else. It felt a little ridiculous at first but his parents were damn serious about it so he had adapt to it.
"Use your brain. I can't always tell you what to do in such situations. Grow a spine"
He always smiled and greeted everyone politely, answered their questions with sincereness and the other person seemed happy too but his parents told him that they probably thought he was too "dumb and soft".
They never wanted to make him feel bad. They just used a little too harsh word for the term 'naive'.
He did try to follow everyone's advice to look up to his brother but it seemed like he had changed a lot too.
It felt too lonely and frustrating. The subtle looks, taunts and comments hurt more and more as he grew up and became more aware of it all but he was taught how to be numb to it all as well.
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He sat in the room carefully reading through the document that was meticulously prepared according to his strict instructions. He had checked it a ton of times already but was checking again to make sure that everything was set right.
The man who had crafted the document was sitting in front of him staring at him with an amused expression.
"Everything alright Khun Kinn?"
"Just making sure of that"
"Take as much time as you need"
After he was completely satisfied with what he read he picked up a pen and signed the document and handed it over to his lawyer.
There were two more men present there to assist him in everything that was part of the process.
"Look Khun Kinn even after you sign this document we will definitely follow some of our rules but you can back away any moment you want and we will co-operate with no questions asked"
"I understand that. And I have no plans to back out thankfully"
"Alright. See you after 2 days then sir"
The man got up and left. Kinn stared back as he walked out of the room along with the 2 other men and his lawyer.
The atmosphere had felt strangely comfortable to him considering the type of situation they were discussing. Maybe it was a good thing after all these men were trained to make their clients as comfortable as possible through the most difficult procedure possible.
At least with the document being signed one of his important tasks was finished.
He had done it. He had prepared his will.
As the next thing he took out his phone and smiled at the text messages. It was flight timing information. He was all set to travel to the airport and pick up Porsche who had finally agreed to meet him after much long.
This was going to be their final date together and he wanted it to be as perfect as possible.
Okay it wasn't a date. It wasn't a date at all because they were just going to be meeting each other as old friends and he was going to make sure they revisited all their best memories together.
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Sleeping in the new room proved to be easier than I had expected. It was warm and cozy.
But despite all of it something felt missing. The lamp! I turned on the lamp that was kept on the night stand and turned to face the other side for sleeping.
I had always prefered sleeping in the dark but still I had to keep the lamp turned on. It was a habit I just couldn't grow out of.
That light reminded me of the light that my life once had. It always brought over a sense of comfort.
Porsche was always too scared to sleep in the dark even though I preferred the room to stay pitch black.
As a compromise we always used to keep the lamp on on his side. But still sometime during night he used to scoot over to my side completely taking up all the space and who was I to complain? I loved being squished by him.
These few days had passed much than the last few years had for me. I finally had something positive to look forward to.
My Porsche was coming back. After so long I was going to see him and my baby. He must've been so grown up by now.
For years I had just gone through his baby pictures again and again hoping for that day to arrive soon when I would get to meet him again.
Pictures truly are wonderful because they can restore and replay every single moment of happiness that you feel you've lost.
Thank God for Porsche's love for photography I had so many precious moments of my son captured.
Pictures of him sleeping, playing, eating, smiling or with both of us... All so precious.
Then there were the pictures from our wedding. I was the one who had proposed and still ended up being the most nervous one on the day.
Porsche on the other hand was busy being the happiest I had ever seen him. Right after the vows were done he had dragged me by my arm to a little secluded place in the venue and there we both had taken our time to truly feel and process that we both had just gotten married to each other.
I still remember his small laughs as he kissed me over and over again looking overwhelmed in the best way possible.
"I love you so much..."
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People often reminisced the time that had been long gone if they had never truly understood it's significance the moment they still had it in their hands.
Over the last two years Kinn was waiting just to get the glimpse of the man he once used to be married to. Someone he had madly fallen in love with and then lost in the cruelest way possible.
All the promises he had made were crumbled within seconds and he stood there doing nothing about it.
He had promised to share all the sorrow and pain with Porsche but had failed.
On the night of their wedding after they got back home Porsche had thrown himself into his arms and allowed himself to breathe and relax.
He had said that he felt safe there like that and Kinn had mentally promised to always make him feel that sense of safety.
Here he was imagining moments when he would get to see Porsche again like a complete fool.
Two years after their marriage they had decided to have a child. Even if he was nervous at first seeing Porsche's enthusiasm and excitement had melt all his doubts away.
And all his remaining doubts were crushed the moment he had seen his son for the first time. The soft crying and tiny hands reaching out towards Porsche who looked really calm and was easily taking care of infant.
Porsche had been the one who was more eagerly waiting for their son. He had accompanied the surrogate mother to every appointment and personally taken care of her every need.
Finally when the baby was there he was more attached towards Porsche from the start and this very thing had made Kinn feel like he had achieved everything in life.
He used to watch with delight and Porsche made the baby sit up on his chest and have long conversations with him. The baby used to state back at him with utter confusion on his face.
All of this got him lots of peace as he watched his son enjoy a childhood he himself was deprived of.
"Has he started answering you back yet?"
"Oh that would be terrifying. An 8 month old speaking like an adult out of nowhere"
"Hmm he's a baby now and just within a few years he'll be all grown up and flying off to some college"
"Oh don't say that. I don't want him to grow up that fast. Babies are so cute and teenagers are demons"
He went ahead to gently hold his baby from the back who got startled by his sudden appearance.
"Both of you look so similar. I can't imagine a teen version of you making my life hell"
"Okay I was never like that as a teenager"
He never got to be. He couldn't imagine throwing tantrums or being allowed to express any negative emotions towards anything his parents had decided for him.
He wanted his son to have that freedom. To feel, experience and express everything even if it felt difficult to him as a parent.
They both had each other for support through everything. He had hoped that it was going to last forever.
A month passed that way. His days were filled with happiness thanks to his son and he tried his best to finish his work as fast as possible so he could come back home and relax with his family.
He was busy as usual going through some papers and Porsche and his son were sleeping peacefully.
That's when he got a call on his phone. It was Porchay.
"Hello?"
"Kinn.. it's me"
"I know Porchay but-
"Please please get here as fast as you can. Can you track my phone? I can't for much longer. I'm with Kim and he's been shot".
The call was instantly cut after that leaving him stunned and horrified. After a few seconds of processing the information he had just received he instantly got up and ran out of the room.
Within the next 20 minutes Porchay's location was tracked and he was in a car on the way to rescue both of them as the team of bodyguards communicated throughout the drive.
There must have been some dire situation which is why Porchay couldn't speak to him for much longer. He was terrified on the way. Scared that by the time he reached there it was going to be too late.
He hadn't had the time to inform Porsche about anything and it was eating him up from the inside.
When they got closer to the location Kinn and the guards stepped out the vehicles to move closer by foot incase the loud noises could give out their presence in the area.
As they slowly got closer and closer they noticed that it looked like a fight must've broken out in the area. There was blood almost everywhere as they slowly started to follow the trail.
As they approached closer Kinn grew more and more anxious. He didn't want the blood to belong to any of the boys. He knew that his brother had been shot but still it was a lot of blood. If it belonged to Kim then that would mean that...
"Sir! We've found him!"
He ran towards the group of guards and near them was sitting his brother clutching his own arm which was bleeding profusely.
"Oh my god... Get him in the car immediately and start the first aid!"
"Porchay... Find him. He ran away to distract them"
"Who did this Kim? What happened here?"
Kim had followed after Porchay. He had noticed that the boy had started to fall into bad company and was worried about him and now that he had started staying at the Main Family compund it was easier to look after him.
Porchay had been furious on being followed and had tried to escape from Kim's eyes. They both walked into an isolated area without even realising.
"What the hell do you want? Why are you doing this? Why won't you stop following me around even for a second!?"
"Because I don't want to watch you destroy yourself like this! I know you're angry with me but you shouldn't be punishing yourself for that!"
"I don't care about you. I don't care about punishing you either. I was a fucking fool and thanks to you for making me realise that. Ever since you've told me the truth I've realised that I was acting so damn embarrassing. You don't even know who I am... My brother just started living with your brother all of a sudden and you got suspicious of him. That's all it was. I've looked up to you for years and maybe that's why I was dumb enough to think I had a chance. I'm sorry... I'll leave. I'll not bother you or my brother anymore. But please don't do this. Stop this torture..."
Kim stared at the crying boy as the tears flowed down his own eyes.
"Please come back home Porchay"
"That's not my home. I can't go back anymore. I'm so sorry for doing all this"
Just then the silence was shattered by a deafening sound of a gunshot being fired. Porchay watched in disbelief and horror as blood splashed on the floor and Kim collapsed to the ground clutching his arm in pain.
He screamed his name before rushing up to him and dragging him to a safe place to hide.
"Kim we will be home soon. Just a little bit more time"
"Forget about me... Find Porchay"
They rushed through the traffic and ran immediately into the medical wing. After his brother was taken in for surgery Kinn got the chance to catch some air and process whatever had just unfolded.
He had to go and inform Porsche about everything but before he could do that he saw Porsche walking upto him in a hurry looking like he was about to break down crying any moment.
"Kinn!"
"Porsche I'll-
"I know.. I know everything. Please just tell me where is Porchay? I haven't been able to breathe properly since I got the information... All this blood on you... What has happened? Where is he?"
"It's not his. It's from Kim. The teams are still searching for Porchay"
"He hasn't been found yet? That means he's still out there in danger..."
Porsche began openly sobbing now. Kinn had no idea how to comfort him so he just pulled him into a hug. There was nothing he could do to make this situation any better.
"I'm so sorry Porsche"
"Please Kinn.. just find him. I want to go there myself to search for him. How did any of this even happen?"
"It's not safe out there Porsche"
"That means he's in lord danger. Something might happen to him"
Porsche was crying like a scared child in his arms and it was breaking his heart more and more with each passing second.
"I will find him Porsche. No matter what it takes and he will be back with you safe and sound"
That wasn't enough. Porsche was restless and anxious.
"Please just bring him back safe. I need to talk him. I don't understand why he didn't call me.. he always called me whenever he needed anything... He just doesn't talk to me anymore"
Kinn didn't know how to console him. How to get him to calm down so he just sat there holding him and letting him talk.
Just a few minutes later he got a call and received the most dreadful news that he had ever heard in his life.
They had found Porchay. He wasn't alive.
The second he picked up the call Porsche stopped talking and looked up at him with hopeful eyes that were filled with tears. What was he going to tell him?
"What happened Kinn? Did they find him? Is he alright?"
"I need to go Porsche. I'll be back soon"
"Please tell me did they find him?"
"Porsche please... Just give me a moment"
He couldn't wait there any longer. He himself was shaken up. He hadn't expected this at all.
Finally after some time the body was brought into the compund. Kinn had somehow managed to get Porsche back to their room while he himself went to check what had happened.
The second the body bag was opened he felt himself starting to gag up and stepped away in absolute horror and disbelief.
Seeing a corpse any other day was way different that seeing the corpse of a loved one. What caught him even more off guard was that the boy's eyes were still open. It looked like he was still alive... Just wounded and covered in blood.
His face and body were brutally cut up and he was stabbed multiple times. Most of the blood from his body had drained out due to the injuries causing his death. He had been tortured before he had died.
He himself couldn't handle to see this... How was he going to let Porsche in there? How was he going to let Porsche see that?
With each step he took towards the room his heart felt heavier and heavier. Porsche was sitting on the bed holding their now awake son who was happily tugging at the man's shirt unaware of the fact that he was crying.
"Porsche... Come with me for a moment"
Porsche was tightly holding his hand and Kinn could hear his shaky breathing.
"Kinn... Why are we here?"
They were standing in front of the morgue.
"Please Kinn let's just go from here.. I don't like this.. I can't stand this place"
He didn't say anything he just took Porsche's hand and walked inside. The body bag was closed and a nurse was standing nearby with a serious expression.
The other guards stood nearby with grave expressions on their faces while the guards who were familiar to Porsche seemed saddened.
"Kinn what is all this? Please I don't want to be here"
"I'm so sorry Porsche..."
"Why are you saying all this? Why are we here?"
He gently took Porsche closer to the body bag.
"What is this Kinn? Please... You're scaring me. Where is Porchay? You're not telling me anything... Did you even find him yet?"
"He was found Porsche"
He couldn't say anything anymore. He didn't have the courage to. When Porsche got no answer from him he was forced to move near the body bag and see it for himself.
He knew that Porsche knew already but wasn't ready to accept it. Who could? Someone you had raised since he was a baby like your son and now he was laying in front of you like this.
His hands shook as he slowly un-zipped the bag a little then he peeked inside.
Kinn watched as Porsche's eyes went wide with horror and he let out the most terrified sound imaginable. He covered his mouth with his hand and rushed backwards before throwing up.
"Porsche... Oh my god"
"No.. no what is that! Kinn... What is that!?"
He tried to hold onto Porsche who was absolutely hysterical and seemed like he was going to collapse any second.
"That's not him! That's not Porchay... That's not him Kinn! Please take me away from here! That's not my brother"
"Porsche... I'm so sorry I couldn't save him. They found him like this"
"No no... This can't be happening. He can't just die.. no! You need to find him Kinn! And if you can't then I will! That's not my brother!"
Everyone around the room looked worried as Kinn motioned for them to step outside. He had never imagined that I'd have to watch Porsche in such condition.
He was getting worried that Porsche will either be unable to breath or will pass out from the way he was sobbing.
"Please tell me that's not him Kinn. He can't just leave me like this.. how could anyone do this.. he was just a child"
Suddenly he pulled back from Kinn's arms and stood up before rushing over the body bag and this time completely opening the zipper.
He couldn't contain the horror and pain he was feeling at the sight.
"Porchay.. please don't do this to me. I'll do anything... Just wake up once. Just speak to me. I'll fix everything just come back to me..."
He didn't care that his brother's body was all covered in blood that was now drying on his skin. He bent down and hugged the boy like he would've any other day as he sobbed.
It was like he was cradling the baby whom he was left with years ago. Porchay had been his only hope and only reason to stay alive. He was the reason he felt like he had some purpose in his life.
How could this happen? How could he just leave him like that?
He still had the image of his brother as a toddler... All alone in the dark and screaming in agony.
Kinn watched as Porsche was gently rocking the boy back and forth and trying to soothe him with gentle plees begging him to come back. Porchay was more than a brother to him, he was more than a son.
After some time Kinn gently took Porsche out of the room. He was practically carrying him all the way because Porsche seemed barely conscious.
Everything had happened so fast. Just a few hours ago he had spoken to Porchay over that call. He blame himself for not being faster.
He gently sat Porsche down on the bed and wiped down the blood from his hands and face all while Porsche just blankly stared into the wall feeling empty.
After that he helped him change out of his clothes and gave him water and medicine before trying to put him to sleep so he could go and check on his brother.
"Kinn..."
"Yeah?"
"Where are you going?"
"To check up on Kim. I'll be back soon"
"Then... I need to go too"
"Go where?"
"I can't stay here... I can't when... Porchay is all alone. He's hurt and he's by himself"
"Porsche please. If you want then I'll stay here with you"
"No no.. I can't leave him alone Kinn. I've never left him alone when he's sick. Please you need to understand... He has no one but me"
Porsche had started crying again and Kinn knew that he couldn't deny him anymore. But taking him to Porchay was only going to break him more.
He didn't know how to help Porsche. He didn't know how to fix this.