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Previously on The West Wing: The administration hires Ainsley, a leggy blonde Republican fascist; Josh and Joey find each other charming; Abby Bartlet resorts to terms of endearment when she's pissed; Toby and Leo form their own little CREEP (Committee to Re-Elect the President).

It's 8:54 PM. A newscaster's voice on a monitor just outside the Oval Office in the West Wing informs us that it's six minutes until Bartlet's third State of the Union address, and reminds us that the President must receive permission from the Speaker to address Congress. Amidst a great bustle of activity, Sam's on the phone, impatiently awaiting some information or decision. He's asking the person on the other end if it's a "yes" as Toby comes up and tries to get his attention. Sam asks for a moment and Toby sails on into the Oval Office, which is full of various staff members. As he enters, Toby tells Ed to "delete 'vigorously' from the first sentence." Leo asks which paragraph and Toby tells him. Another staff member asks, "We're not going to vigorously pursue campaign finance reform?" Toby replies, "No, we're just going to pursue it regular [sic]." Ed says, "Not vigorously?" Toby: "Not tonight." Mostly to Leo, he elaborates, "McGowan says we're fine. He feels the word 'vigorously' is inflammatory." He tells the staff also to change the word "choke-hold" to "tight grip." The staff anxiously asks if that's it, but Toby reminds them that Sam's still on the phone. They point out that they only have four minutes. Good thing they won't be using my slow-ass printer once they settle on the wording, or this address would never get off the ground. POTUS strides in and asks, "Where are we?" They tell him Sam's still on the phone. POTUS announces, "Bob Novak just said this was the speech of my political life. You know how many times I've heard that?" Toby tells him about cutting "vigorously" and POTUS says, "Do it." Leo asks Jed how he's feeling; he says good. He asks Charlie, as Charlie helps him with his jacket, whether Abby's already in her seat. Charlie says, "Yes, sir." POTUS doesn't seem to hear him and repeats the question. Charlie repeats his answer. A staff member prods Leo about the time and Leo says they'll get POTUS in the car.

In the area outside the Oval Office, Sam's done with his call and he seems happy. They all pedeconference as they make their way with POTUS toward the car. Leo asks what's going on, and Sam explains, "We put our weight behind SB380. It's a highway improvement bill." Leo: "What else?" Sam: "We set aside some U.S. park land." Leo: "What else?" Sam says that's it. Leo says, "I want to be clear. This is the understanding: we build him a highway and name a park after him, and we have his support for the Blue Ribbon?" Sam confirms this. Toby tells Ginger to tell C.J. that "it's a green light on the Blue Ribbon," and that she'll know what it means. Sam says they'll write it in the car. They reach the door where the limo is waiting, and Leo reassures Jed that the Blue Ribbon is a good thing, although Jed doesn't seem to be having any doubts about it.

It's 8:57 PM. Over at the National Strategies Group, Josh is throwing his weight around and generally being a bit of a control freak. He's stressed. Maybe it's time to stand with your back straight against the wall, Josh. He harangues one worker about chewing gum just before they're going to be making calls to poll people about the speech. Another worker points out that the polling hasn't started yet. Josh says, "Well, thank you, Mr. Helper." Just then Donna whizzes up and reminds him that these people have done this before. He objects, "They're not our people." Donna says they're Joey Lucas' people. Josh asks whether any of them have accents. Donna assures him they're all out of the Midwest. Josh replies, "I'm saying Joey Lucas is deaf and would have no way of knowing..." Then he hollers to the room at large, "Do any of you people have accents?" Dead silence. Josh then hollers, "Do any of you people have the power of speech?" Donna just looks impatient, and pained. She says they're fine. Josh remarks, "I should be there right now."

Big presidential motorcade. In the limo, Leo's on his cell phone next to Jed telling someone the wording relating to the Blue Ribbon Commission, and that he wants it for Jed when he walks in the door. Jed seems in a strangely tense frame of mind, but it doesn't seem to be nerves. Back at the White House, it's 8:59 PM, and C.J.'s doing a last-minute press briefing. She tells them the President will be announcing the establishment of a bipartisan Blue Ribbon commission to study the long-term future of entitlement programs. The reporters want to know why this is a last-minute addition; the first time she's asked, C.J. dodges the question slightly; when it's asked again, she says the President was trying to ensure that he had the support of the Democratic leadership. She also tells them that Capital Beat is broadcasting live from the West Wing for two hours following the speech and that the area will be off-limits for "carousing." Some reporters seem annoyed with this special treatment and C.J. tells them, "Well, that's just hard cheese." No, actually, she simply tells them that it's because "They're special." With that, she tells them to enjoy the show and leaves.

The Capitol, 9:00 PM. Sam and Toby are working out last-minute changes to the speech. They finally settle on everything and hand the speech to an assistant, telling him to phone it in to the prompter. As a writer (and something of a perfectionist), I know that impulse to keep fiddling with a piece right up until the last second; I imagine the urge to do so must be overwhelming for a State of the Union address. Sam and Toby grab their binders just as POTUS is arriving with his entourage. As he arrives, Charlie gestures to indicate that Jed's shoelace is untied. Jed bends down to tie it for what seems like an interminable time, although it's exactly how long it takes to tie a shoelace, and everyone stands around in nervous, uncomfortable silence. You might think it'd be Charlie's job to tie Jed's shoelace, but Jed's not the kind of President to let his body man tie his shoes. (Bet Dubya is, though.) ["Bet Dubya doesn't really have a choice." -- niki] Finally the shoelace is tied and Toby hands Jed his copy of the speech. Jed shakes Toby's hand and then Sam's. As he approaches the doorway, he walks through a long hallway lined with people applauding him. He looks slightly ill at ease, and for all his ideals about statesmanship, you can't help but feel the enormity of his role and responsibility, and wonder if Jed doesn't sometimes fear that they somehow elected the wrong guy. But he maintains a presidential demeanour. He reaches the door, which is blocked by an older gentleman named Mr. Finney. Jed stops, bows his head for a moment, crosses himself and says "Amen," to which Charlie dutifully echoes, "Amen." Jed says, "Mr. Finney, would you tell the Speaker I'd like to see him please?" Mr. Finney opens the door and intones loudly, "Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!" Jed goes in. It's a classic, Sorkinesque, pomp-and-circumstance moment. The theme music swells. Aw come on, you know you love it.

As the guest credits roll, we see that it's a real all-star cast. At the polling office, Josh and Donna and some of the workers are perched on a stairway watching the speech on C-SPAN. We hear the end of Jed's address: "...an America that has continued to rise through every age, against every challenge, a people of great works and greater possibilities, who have always, always found the wisdom and strength to come together as one nation, to widen the circle of opportunity, to deepen the meaning of our freedom, to form a more perfect union. Our best days lie ahead. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America." As he finishes, everyone in the polling office applauds and cheers; Josh hoots loudly. Donna and Josh enthuse for a few moments about how well he did and how exciting it all is, and then Josh is all back-to-business. He wants to know just how well Jed did. Josh wants to know what he's supposed to do now. Donna tells him to tell the callers to start. Josh asks what Joey said; Donna explains that Joey's plane is late. Josh seems chagrined that Joey didn't provide any special instructions about how to launch the polling. Donna's all, "Like what?" Josh is flustered: "I don't know...time zones? I, I don't know, I'm not a pollster! I thought Joey called." Donna says she called from the plane saying she'd be late. Just then, we hear someone come in the door and a man's voice saying, "Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics." Josh smirks and turns, saying, "Kenny, really, that better have been her talking." Joey waves cheerfully and announces, "I'm here!" Josh asks her where the hell she's been. She explains through Kenny that her plane had mechanical difficulties. Josh complains, "This is the State of the Union! There was nothing you could do about it?" Joey replies, "No, because as a child, I never paid attention during airplane mechanics class." Josh, obviously smitten but trying to hide it, inquires, "Is this the kind of Noel Coward-esque wit I can expect all night long?" Joey says yes. He tells her to instruct the workers. She faces the room and signs for Kenny to ask them loudly, "Is anyone chewing gum?" The chorus comes back, "No!" In her own voice, Joey says, "Okay, start!" Josh kind of mutters, "I'd already taken care of the gum thing." Donna's wondering if she might meet interesting men if she became a pollster. You know, if playing the trombone doesn't work out. Or maybe she and Kenny could double date with Joey and Josh.

Back in the West Wing, they're getting ready for the special episode of Capital Beat to go on the air. The host, Mark Gottfried (Ted McGinley) introduces his first two guests, C.J. and Henry Shallick, Deputy House Majority Whip, played by Corbin Bernsen. Gottfried describes C.J. as "very lovely" and "very talented." I note he doesn't describe Shallick as "ruggedly handsome" or whatever. He also refers to her as "Miss" Claudia Jean Cregg. Sigh. Anyway, he asks C.J., "On a scale of one to ten, how did the President do tonight?" C.J. replies cheerfully and confidently, "Fourteen. You know, Mark, the President is a commanding public speaker, and the bar is usually set quite a bit higher when he makes a major address, but tonight he cleared it with room to spare." Mark says his unofficial tally shows the speech was interrupted by applause seventy-three times. C.J. replies, "I have seventy-two times but I'll take your count." Mark then asks Shallick for his opinion. Shallick acknowledges that Bartlet's a gifted public speaker. "We've always known that, and it's an admirable talent, not unlike juggling. Now, if only he'd said something. By my count, twenty-three of the interruptions for applause were for co-opted Republican ideas." Mark suggests taking a quick break.

As soon as one of the crew members states that they're off the air, Mark announces that C.J.'s not wearing any pants. C.J. impatiently acknowledges this; Mark adds, "No pants whatsoever." C.J. says, "It's cable! Carol!" Someone yells that they have ninety seconds. Sam comes up and wants to talk to C.J. for a moment. She agrees. He says, "Could I see you over there?" C.J. declines. Sam wants to know why; C.J. explains she's not wearing any pants. Sam says, "Sure, we're fine here, as long as there aren't any cameras or microphones around." C.J. gets Carol to bring her a robe, which she kind of awkwardly puts on, tying the arms around her waist. Her jacket is a longish one so it's not too bad. Sam tells her she looks like a Rockette. Um, I suppose. Except for not having bimbo hair and makeup, and a big fake chest. C.J. asks if he knows why she's not wearing pants; Sam says, "I just assumed it was the usual reason." C.J. says she sat in paint. Carol mentions that her clothes are coming. If I were her, I'd keep about half my wardrobe at the office, what with having to go to symphony performances at the last minute and sitting in paint and all. Sam asks Carol where she got the bathrobe; Carol tells him, "The gym." Sam's annoyed to learn that there are bathrobes in the women's locker room at the gym but not the men's. Sam carps: "Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women." C.J. immediately says, "Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's [sic] outrageous." Yeah, and I think this is my new favourite quote. Sam finally gets to his point: "Jack Sloan has an official reprimand in his jacket," for using excessive force seventeen years ago. C.J. seems pretty unhappy to learn this. Sam explains that both criminal charges and a civil suit were dismissed. He mentions that "there was enormous political and community pressure from local black Democrats." A crew member yells "fifteen seconds" and C.J. has to start hustling toward the desk again. She asks whether anyone has the story yet; Sam says they will. As she goes back to her seat, she tells Sam she needs to speak to Jack Sloan. She unties the robe and tosses it to Carol. As she puts her microphone back on, Mark says, "Take the desk away, I pick up three share points."

As Capital Beat returns to air, Mrs. Landingham is watching it on the monitor in her office. Charlie comes back in and asks how the speech looked. She says it looked good. She asks, "Charlie, is it possible that C.J. isn't wearing any pants right now?" Charlie explains she sat in paint. Mrs. L asks again, "And she's not wearing any pants?" Charlie explains, "Well, she's wearing underwear, Mrs. Landingham. She hasn't gone smokeless." I've never heard that expression before. Mrs. L lets it go. Charlie asks her to clarify a note that was left for him. She explains that POTUS was balancing his chequebook and came across a cheque for $500 that was never cashed, written by Abby to a woman whose name he didn't recognize. He wants Charlie to ask Abby about it. Charlie wants to know why Jed was balancing his chequebook. Mrs. L says he does it to relax. Me, I do my taxes to relax. Charlie would like to know why Jed can't ask his own wife about the cheque. Mrs. L says, "When the President inquires into the First Lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry with him and yells." Charlie thinks she'll have pretty much the same reaction to his asking about it. Mrs. L replies, "But the President doesn't care so much about that." Charlie says, "Yeah, okay." As he leaves, he tells himself, "This is a good job." Mrs. L calls out that she saw him on TV. He says, "Cool."

Up in the First Bedroom, Abby Bartlet is there alone, playing and replaying a section of Jed's speech with a fair degree of annoyance. It's the section to do with setting up the bipartisan Blue Ribbon Commission. Charlie knocks on the door and she tells him to come in. He asks if he's disturbing her; she says she just came up to change clothes. He asks if she sat in wet paint, but she explains that she's not supposed to go to the reception in the same clothes she wore to the speech. She muses, "I could just tell people I have two outfits exactly alike." Charlie says, "That's what I do." She asks what he wanted. Charlie begins, "Ma'am, I'd like you to bear in mind that I'm not wearing pads or a helmet or contact gear of any kind. A $500 cheque that hasn't been cashed. It was written to a woman..." Abby interjects with exasperation, "Oh, how long has that been up his ass?" Charlie replies, "Well, I wouldn't know, ma'am, but..." Abby states, "Her name is Jane Robinson. I read an article a few months ago..." Charlie interjects, "Her husband threw her out?" Abby continues, "He set fire to the bed." Charlie: "And she'd bought the kids' Christmas presents early and they were ruined?" Abby says, "So I sent her $500." Charlie says she hasn't cashed it, and he'll make sure it got to her. Abby thanks him and he leaves. She goes back to replaying the tape with her face clenched in irritation.

At the reception, Sam arrives and someone yells out, "Hey, Sam Seaborn everybody!" The people near Sam all applaud and smile and Sam jokes, "See? You guys said I couldn't write comedy." Sam crosses the room to where Leo is standing; Leo asks if he's talked to C.J. Sam says yes. Leo says, "The dial groups are huge: middle-class tax cut, Social Security..." Sam asks, "What about polling?" Leo says Josh and Joey will provide early numbers in about an hour. Leo's concerned about this potential PR problem with the police officer. Sam says to let C.J. handle it. He also instructs Sam, "No pictures near the President." Just then Margaret comes up, with her hair flippier than usual, and tells Leo he's needed in the Situation Room. When Leo gets there, he finds out that officials believe five DEA agents have been abducted in Colombia, on a road between Bogota and Putumayo. Leo asks if it was the CRF. They don't know. Leo asks, "Do we think it was the CRF?" The official tells him, "Yeah." Leo asks if the agents can be identified; he's told they're carrying badges. Leo's incredulous: "On a road from Bogota to Putumayo? They're going to shoot these guys. The White House Press Corps's upstairs and there's a live TV show being broadcast next door." He turns to another guy: "I need to meet with State, Justice, and the Pentagon, and it needs to happen softly." Leo sits down, saying, "This was almost a good night." It occurs to me that Leo's the mom and Jed's the dad. Jed occasionally has to lay down the law hard, but usually he's the good-time guy handing out shiny quarters and doing magic tricks and telling amusing yarns. Leo gets to clean up the vomit, eat the broken cookies, and make sure everybody scrubbed behind their ears. Poor Leo.

After the commercial break, we're back at the polling office. Joey tells Donna they have a seventeen percent response rate. Josh comes up and tells them about the Jack Sloan problem. Apparently Jack Sloan is a Detroit police officer who was added at the last minute to a list of guests invited to the State of the Union address to be recognized by the President. It seems he was invited based on some recent act of heroism involving an elementary school, but it's just come out that seventeen years ago he was charged with using excessive force in a bust, allegedly breaking some guy's leg. Neither criminal charges nor the civil suit were successful, but it's a problem anyway. He wasn't thoroughly vetted because he was a last-minute addition. Josh wants to know when he will see numbers from polling. Joey tells him about the response rate. Josh: "Great! When do I see numbers?" Joey tells him, in her own voice, "You need patience, Joshua!" He barks, "I need numbers, Tonto!" Tonto? Did he really say that? Oy. Joey, apparently unflappable, tells him to keep his shirt on, not in those exact words. She goes off with Kenny to get a doughnut. Josh gripes to Donna, "We're plagued by this nonsense, Donna. I swear, it's reaching epidemic proportions. Those numbers are going to tell us we had a big night, and the balance is going to be dragged down by a news cycle that won't shake the cop story." Donna couldn't care less about that; she says, "You should ask her out." Josh: "I'm sorry?" Donna: "You should ask Joey out. Tonight could be the night." Josh: "The night to do what?" Donna: "To ask her out." Josh orders her, "Get a doughnut." She says okay.

Back in the West Wing, Margaret's rounding up the people Leo needs in the Situation Room. Apparently the code is, "Leo McGarry was wondering if you'd come say hello to an old friend of his." Mr. Secretary goes off to the Situation Room. There, Leo is asking if they've verified who was at the lab. They've verified two of the five agents; they can't confirm the other three yet. Leo doesn't want to mis-notify the families. Mr. Secretary having arrived, Leo explains, "Mickey, two PM local time in Bogota, five DEA agents assisting police in evidence gathering at a cocaine lab were taken by the CRF." Mickey asks if they're alive; Leo says they think so. Mickey says, "Okay. Putumayo is a Frente stronghold. The scene the agents were at was one of their top-producing cocaine labs." Well, he sure got up to speed fast. He continues, "We're going to open a dialogue and we're going to do it through the Colombian Army commanders." It seems they'll be dealing with someone named Nelson Guerra, a Frente jefe. Leo asks for everything on Guerra. He also asks whether anyone was on the ground close by. They've got six commanders and thirteen support people in Tres Encinas. Leo asks how many people will be guarding the ultimate location of the abducted agents: Mickey tells him, "Five, six hundred." Leo says, "Not the numbers you're hoping for if you're contemplating a massive attack-and-rescue mission." Leo orders, "Tell Special Operations Command at Fort Bragg to submit three plans for unilateral op. They have an hour." He stands up to leave and adds, "We should let these nineteen guys at Tres Encinas know they're in it now, too." He leaves.

Back on Capital Beat, they're playing an excerpt from Jed's speech in support of school uniforms. Mark says, "School uniforms? From a liberal Democrat? What was that sound we just heard?" He introduces his guests, Gretchen Tyler, the Director of Public Education for the ACLU, and Ainsley. Gretchen gets to lead off, and says she was surprised and disappointed, mentioning that Bartlet's always had strong First Amendment credentials. She says the ACLU's position is that every child has the right to a public school education and that it cannot be conditioned on compliance with a uniform policy. When he asks Ainsley for her response, Ainsley says that Gretchen's point is well-taken, and that she's not one hundred percent sure that what the President suggested was constitutional. Um, way to support your boss, Ainsley. As she says this, we see Sam overhearing this in what looks like the Communications area. He doesn't seem entirely thrilled with her commentary. As Ainsley continues talking about kids who can't afford designer clothes like their peers and studies that show kids do better in school wearing uniforms, Sam walks over to the set of Capital Beat. Gretchen says there are already restrictions on what kids can wear to school; Ainsley points out that those restrictions were implemented over the strong objections of the ACLU. Mark asks Ainsley to gauge how strongly Bartlet feels about this issue. Ainsley mentions he included it in a State of the Union address. Mark wants to know what impression she's gotten from her conversations with him. Ainsley guilelessly tells him, "Oh I haven't had any conversations with him personally." Mark says, "On this." Ainsley replies, "On anything. I've never met him. I'm an Associate Counsel. The Chinese food guy's got more access than I do." Mark says, "And yet they have you out here speaking...for the White House." Ainsley smiles hugely and gushes, "Yeah! It's a really big night for me." Mark announces a break for some news from New York. As soon as they're off-air, Mark tells Ainsley, "You crack me up." She giggles and says, "Thank you." Sam, who's been leaning on a monitor watching all this, says, "Hey, Gracie." (For you youngsters out there, this is a reference to comedian George Burns's wife Gracie Allen, who was his partner in vaudeville, radio and television comedy for many years.) Sam asks if Ainsley has some time; Mark says it's a five-minute newsbreak. As Sam leads her away to his office, she asks if he's been watching. Sam says yes. She asks, "Aren't I delightful?" You know what? Not so much. Sam says, "You know what I'd like? I'd like it if you didn't say you weren't one hundred percent sure the President's proposal is constitutional." Ainsley says the ACLU has a reasonable case to make against the President. Sam points out, "They'll do a fine job of making it without the help of the President's lawyer." Ainsley concedes that that's a fair point. Sam asks, "How have you never met the President?" Ainsley points out: "He works in the Oval Office and I work in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. I can't believe we haven't run into each other." Sam says he'll set up an introduction. Suddenly Ainsley's all, "No way." Sam accuses her of being scared to meet the President. She pleads, "I'm having a good night, I just want to keep having a good night. I don't want to live in fear of the inevitable bungling of the English language that will occur and the mortification that will ensue." Sam says, "That sounds pretty bad." Ainsley confesses, "I am, yes I am indeed, yes, I am scared to meet the President." Sam says, "Now it sounds really bad." He decides to let it go with, "Well, when you meet him, you meet him." As she leaves, she says, "No need to rush that day along." Sam follows her out, asking, "Okay, can I talk to you about adrenaline for a second?" Ainsley: "Adrenaline?" Sam says she's feeling it right now, and it's going to increase, because it's a big night and all...Ainsley interrupts with, "And you think I'm going to have a nutty?" Or something to that effect. That's what the closed-captioning claims. Sam requests that she not drink anything until she's off the air. Ainsley: "God! Thanks, Sam, for that debating tip, your feel for nuance. You say I shouldn't be drunk when I'm representing the White House?" Sam adds, "Yeah, and please don't forget you're a blonde Republican girl and that nobody likes you." Ainsley says she's going back on television now. Sam admonishes her, "Try and remember you're on our side."

At the reception, Abby's keeping them all in stitches. She mentions that all the polls are expected to show that the speech was a success. She continues, "But when the numbers are crunched and the polls are taken, I think everyone here realizes that the truly important thing is that I changed my hair." General laughter. "Seriously, this is not my official toast. My official toast is later. I just wanted to say informally before the President got here: Thank you so much for your hard work, and enjoy the night's success." Everyone applauds, and as she leaves the stage, Leo comes up to her and tells her that her hair looks great. She seems uninterested in the compliment and asks what's going on with Jack Sloan. Leo says C.J.'s on it. He says, "So, we were able to get in the language about the Blue Ribbon Commission. We were about to get it in at the last minute. We got our guys, we changed the language to broaden..." Abby says, "I was there, Leo." Leo says, "We changed the language at the last minute, Abby. If you want to be pissed at someone, the architect of this speech..." Abby asserts she doesn't want to be pissed at anyone, and that she doesn't need to be told who the architect of tonight's speech was. At that moment, we hear someone call out, "Toby Ziegler, ladies and gentleman," as Toby enters the reception room. People applaud and shake his hand. As he approaches Abby, she plasters a big fake smile on her face and leans toward him, saying, "I want to see you in your office in half an hour. You got it?" They're shaking hands and pictures are being snapped, and she says, "Keep shaking hands," as they pose for pictures. And it's time for some commercials.

At the polling station, Josh is flipping through Vogue as he half-watches Ainsley on TV, talking about standardized testing. When she's asked a question about a particular set of student test scores, Josh says to himself, "Six out of ten were black or Hispanic." When Ainsley works this exact statistic into her answer, Josh says, "Right on the button." Donna's come up to pester him about Joey. "I was wondering..." Josh: "We're still doing this?" Donna: "Have you asked her out yet?" Josh brushes her off and stands up, asking, "What is taking so long?" Donna says, "'Joey, would you like to go out Friday night?' You know, you have to say it. You have to ask a girl out on a date. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl sideways and hope she breaks up with you soon the way you always do." Josh: "Why not?" Donna: "Because you can't!" Josh replies, "You just said I always do." Donna says, "Josh, I can help you or I can not help you, it's up to you." Josh doesn't need to think about it. "Then I absolutely choose not helping me." Joey and Kenny wander over as Donna's asking, "You want me to ask her out for you?" Josh: "Yeah, that's exactly what I want you to do." Donna stands up and starts to say something to Joey, but Josh tells her to sit down. She does. Josh asks Joey where the first numbers are. She says he'll have them soon -- five minutes. He complains she said that fifteen minutes ago. She explains the response rate slowed down. Josh asks why; she says it's because people are going to bed. Josh complains, "But the response rate didn't stop, right? Everybody didn't go to bed. If they did, that would be phenomenal! It would be a phenomenon!" Easy, Josh. Joey continues patiently explaining, "The response rate slowed down, and you need to have some juice and crackers." Yeah, sugar and starch is just what Josh needs. He hollers, "America is talking, and I'm trying to hear what they're saying!" Joey says, "They're saying you're an egomaniac who needs to know that the public loves you, and that you'll have the numbers in five minutes." Josh replies, "Well, I don't think that is what they're saying, but absent any other information..." Joey says Josh's name in frustration. Josh says, "Joey, it's the State of the Union. We worked on the speech for three months!" She assures him he will hear American speaking. In five minutes. Just then, the power blows and Joey tells him, "It may take a little longer now."

On Capital Beat, Shallick's back debating Toby on gun control. Shallick says that this White House uses the First Amendment to protect pornography and flag burning, and to ban school prayer, but refuses to recognize what he claims the Second Amendment clearly establishes, the right to keep and bear arms. Toby interjects, "Because it clearly doesn't say that. In fact, it doesn't say that at all. The only way it says that is if you remove some words from it. It says, 'A well-regulated militia, being necessary for the security of a free state, the government shall not infringe...' The words 'regulated' and 'militia' are in the first sentence. I don't think the framers were thinking of three guys in a Dodge Durango." Shallick inquires, "You don't really know what the framers were thinking, do you?" Toby responds, "No. But I do know that if you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark, and Australia, you get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year; they had 112. You think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature? Or do you think it's because those guys have gun-control laws?" Go Toby! I would like to add, as a Canadian, that Canada has about ten percent of the population of the US, but in no way do we have ten percent of the gun deaths. Mark takes them out to a commercial break. Ginger beckons Toby to his meeting with Abby. Toby tells Mark he's sitting out the next segment and promises him they'll get him a "body." Shouldn't be hard with all those gun deaths.

Toby arrives in his office, where Abby's waiting, and apologizes for being late, since he was on air. She says it's fine. She starts to talk but he interrupts her, saying, "I just wanted to remind you that there's press coming in and out of this area." Abby inquires, "Are you under the impression that I'm going to have a fit of some kind?" He says, "No, ma'am." She asks what the deal was: "He gets a highway, and you name a park after him?" Toby starts to talk about the Blue Ribbon Commission and she interrupts, stating, "The Blue Ribbon Commission is swell. I am not talking about the Blue Ribbon Commission and you know it! And don't talk to me like I'm other people. You've never done that!" She pauses. "It was the language. The draft I read said, 'The first fiscal priority of the government must be, will be, ensuring Social Security and Medicare.' Now how did that turn into 'boldly setting aside our partisan blinders?' Is the White House considering new options? Like raising the retirement age? And how did school uniforms get into such a prominent spot?" Toby says, "It was in a section on education reform, Abby. And considering other options doesn't mean we're caving on the retirement age, and you know it, so what was your concern with the language?" Abby says, "The draft said, 'Our commitment to the full benefits promised to America's greatest generation is absolute.' I was there when you wrote that." Toby replies, "And our commitment is still absolute. We're open to new ideas and that's what it said." Abby rolls her eyes and says, "Oh, please." Toby asserts, "Believe me, we gave Republicans plenty to be pissed about: the surplus, missile defense, capital gains, and I was just on TV for the nine hundredth time and alienated gun owners, to say nothing of people who own Dodge Durangos. So...what exactly was your problem with the language?" She's defeated and says, "It seemed..." Toby says, "Abby..." She says, "I was just thrown by the last-minute changes. You should get back on TV." She leaves.

C.J. meets with Jack Sloan, an older man who's roughly a physical analogue of Sipowicz. She's now wearing a dress and jacket. She introduces herself and apologizes for taking him away from the party. She also apologizes for being abrupt but explains she's "racing the clock" and asks him to tell her what happened seventeen years ago with a suspect named Walter Tappis. Jack looks down and hesitates. C.J. reminds him she has official ways of getting the information. Jack asks, "Do I need to have my lawyer here?" C.J.: "I don't think you do, but if you'd like to call..." Jack says no. He explains there had been an armed robbery and he was pursuing Tappis on foot. He apprehended Tappis, during which the suspect broke Sloan's hand and nose. C.J. says, "So you fractured his leg?" Jack replies, "I didn't fracture his leg." C.J. states the suspect said Sloan kicked him repeatedly while he was handcuffed. Jack says, "He was suing the city for $5 million. What possible motivation would he have had to lie?" Sloan adds, "He was nineteen years old, 6' 2", 190 pounds, and he won two bronze medals at the state high school track-and-field championships. Ms. Cregg, look at me. Do you think there's any way I catch up to this guy if his leg isn't fractured already? It didn't happen." C.J. seems to believe him. I think I do. She asks, "Why didn't you tell anybody this was on your record when you were invited here?" He replies, "I just assumed...because of what happened over the weekend at the elementary school...that it was okay now...that I was okay. I didn't think it was going to all come up again." He asks whether the press knows. C.J. says no, but that she has to tell them. He asks why. She explains, "Because they'll find out and I have to stay ahead of the pitch. If I issue it in a brief statement then it doesn't look like we're trying to hide anything and I get to control the story for a while." Sloan insists there is no story. C.J. says, "The President pointed to you as an example." He says, "I am an example." She insists it's a story; he claims that's because she's giving it to them. She says they'll find it anyway. He says she doesn't know that; she says she does. He can tell he's lost. He says, "My, um...my wife and kids are back at the party." She tells him he should go back, and instructs him not to talk to anybody about this. He agrees. As he leaves, she says, "I wish you'd said something to us before..." In the doorway he says, "Yeah...I just assumed... I thought it was okay now." Sad. This had the feel of something based on a true story. Since DeeDee Myers worked on the story for this episode, I wouldn't be surprised.

At the polling office, Donna hangs up her cell phone and tells Josh the "good news" that the Potomac Electric Power Company says the outage was caused by a 13,000 volt cable that caught on fire. Josh asks how that happens to be good news. Donna says, "Well, we have hard information now." Josh asks, "When's the power going back on?" Donna says, "That information's not available at this time." Josh tells her to call Sam. Then he bellows, "I want the numbers!" Donna tells her everybody else is having fun with this; he says she's the only one who's having fun with this. Just then Joey comes up beside Josh and kind of bumps him jovially, and yells "Boo!" He asks irritably, "Are those numbers safe?" She says yes. He asks, "Are we going to be able to make the West Coast calls?" She says it depends when the power goes on. She asks, "Do I look like Electricity Girl?" On the phone, Donna is telling Sam, "I'm thinking of leading everybody in song." Josh asks if that's Sam and grabs the phone. Josh explains that they were five minutes away from an East Coast sample; they've got nothing west of Indiana / Illinois. Sam asks if he needs anything. Josh: "A lightning bolt, a key, and a kite." Sam says, "Donna told me to tell you that you should ask out Joey Lucas." Just then Sam has to go.

POTUS is emerging from his address, finally. Jed says, "Listen, you scored big on some of the stuff I fought you on." Sam replies, "Yes, and I know how you can repay me." Jed: "Repay you for what?" Sam: "For you being wrong in the face of me being right." Jed asks, "I owe you money for that?" Sam: "Oh, not money, sir." Jed: "I owe you anything for that?" Sam mentions that Ainsley Hayes has been working there for three months and that she's still a bit scared to meet the President, and that if he should happen to run into her in the halls, maybe he could make a point of introducing himself to her and welcoming her personally. Jed asks, "Don't you already get paid?" Sam replies, "Yes, but not nearly enough." Not really. Jed asks whether there's anything in particular that Sam would like him to say. Sam suggests, "I think if you said something along the lines of 'You know, a lot of people assumed you were hired because you were a blonde Republican sex kitten, and they were obviously wrong, and keep up the good work.'" Is this the same guy who fired two guys in part for exposing the White House to a sexual harassment suit a few episodes back? Jed says with mild sarcasm, "That's really good." No more time to discuss it, though; Charlie's there to drag Jed to the Oval Office. He goes into Leo's office first, and asks him about the police officer. Leo assures him C.J.'s looking into it. Jed complains that they're going to get knocked off the story by that incident, but as they enter the Oval Office, Leo says, "The cop isn't what's going to knock us off the story." Jed asks, "What is?" Jed enters his office to find lots of military brass and high-ranking staff standing there waiting for him. Leo says, "We have a situation in Colombia."

After the commercials, Jed is briefed on the situation. The abducted agents can be identified. He asks how they know they're still alive; Mickey says, "Human sources paid by the Colombian National Police confirm they're in a CRF outpost." Jed asks, "And they kill our guys unless Santos releases Juan Aguilar from a prison in Bogota." Mickey says the Colombian government isn't going to do that. Leo says it doesn't matter. He believes it's not about Aguilar, but that they want to kill the agents and drag their bodies through the streets. Seventy percent of the world's cocaine comes from these people; they have 122,000 hectares of coca. (Hey, when did the U.S. get on board with the metric system?) Leo states, "The government has no control over the region, there is no law, and they're going to shoot these guys in the head and then have a parade." Mickey thinks if they wanted to kill them, they'd already be dead. One of the military brass types hands Jed a plan, called Cassiopeia, involving several vehicles and weapons. It will take five to seven minutes. Jed decides he doesn't care about the number of Frente casualties. Mickey urges them to keep negotiating. He thinks that if they make an armed attack, the Frente will strike back by bombing their embassy and killing diplomats and citizens in captivity. He points out that this will require a military response, possibly destabilizing the region and leading to a war. Leo lapses into some rhetoric: "Lead to a war? We're in a war! We're sending people down there to fight a war on drugs." I think Leo needs to see Traffic. Leo asserts that the captured agents are not hostages, they're prisoners. Jed wonders how long it will take for Special Forces to mobilize; the Cassiopeia guy tells him they can give a "go" order in three hours. Jed tells the group that he wants their people to keep talking to Nelson Guerra, but in three hours, he wants to be ready to kick in the back door. Jed asks Leo to round up the senior staff. He tells Leo he'll be wandering the halls.

At Blackout Central, Donna says to Josh, "We haven't seen a lot of looting." She thinks that in these situations you usually see a lot more looting, general civil unrest, people getting on each other's nerves... Josh pretty much agrees with all this. He gets up and asks Joey if he can ask her what may be a silly question. He says, "It's not possible, is it, for us to just open up one of these computers with a screwdriver and get the numbers that are in there, right?" Joey asks why he thought that would be a silly question. He cups his hands around his mouth and shrieks, "I want these numbers!" Man, pretty boorish. Screaming at a deaf person? That's classy. Anyway, there's a phone call for Josh and it's Sam telling him that Leo wants everybody back. He doesn't know what it's about. Donna, Joey, Kenny, the phone operators, and the entire viewing audience are vastly relieved to get Josh out of there. Sam hangs up the phone and asks Ginger if Ainsley isn't supposed to be meeting him in his office now. Ginger explains she has to meet in her office, because she can't wear her pants. I thought she was wearing a skirt. Whatever.

Down in Ainsley's office, she's wearing a white bathrobe, and hula-ing around energetically to "Blame it on the Bossa Nova," whipping her long blonde hair around and singing along. Sam comes up behind her; she jumps around and gleefully greets him. She keeps singing along and Sam says, "Well, I hardly know where to start." She says, still gyrating around, "I was feeling so good after my segments I went out to the Sculpture Garden." The Sculpture Garden was the site of C.J.'s literal depantsing. Guess Ainsley didn't hear about it. Sam points out that there's a "wet paint" sign on the bench. Ainsley says her assistant went to get her some clothes. Sam asks, "Why are you moving like that?" Ainsley squeaks: "I'm blaming it on the bossa nova." Sam kind of sputters, "Okay." She says, "I know what you mean about that adrenaline high. I definitely think I got it. Plus, the bartender made me a Pink Squirrel, so you see, I am not the teetotaler you think I am." She takes a sip of her pink drink. Sam asks, "Is there any alcohol in that at all?" She says, "There's a dash of creme de cacao, my friend." Sam starts, "I came down here to tell you..." but she hulas up to him and says, "Oh dance with me Sam." He doesn't comply but stands there enjoying the view. She turns her back again and keeps singing and gyrating. Just then, over Sam's shoulder, who should approach but...POTUS. This should be good. She continues whirling around, and when she sees POTUS, she shrieks and throws her glass toward the wall. Jed says, "Hey, what's up?" Ainsley: "Oh, Mr. President..." Jed: "I never even knew we had a nightclub down here." She turns off the music and Sam introduces her to Jed. Jed says, "Yeah, Ainsley, I wanted to say hello, and to mention, you know, a lot of people assumed you were hired because you were a blonde Republican sex kitten, and well, they're obviously wrong. Keep up the good work." She hyperventilates: "Yes, sir." To Sam he says, "You know we're meeting?" Sam does. Jed wanders off. Sam turns to Ainsley: "That could have been worse." She doesn't say anything; she just stands there looking mortified. Sam adds, "No. Probably not." He leaves her to stew in her humiliation.

C.J.'s back for her second round of Capital Beat. Mark asks her to take them behind the scenes, and tell them what the President and First Lady are doing right now. C.J. says the reception's still going on and that they're likely to stay up late with friends. They go to the commercial break and Mark asks C.J. if she has a second. They go behind the backdrop and Mark tells her, "I've laid off it all night because we've done some things together and I didn't want to ambush you, but..." She says, "You mean about Sloan?" She says she spoke to Sloan, and begs him to give her a chance before the stampede begins. Toby appears at the doorway behind her to summon her to the meeting. She kind of ignores him and goes on pleading with Mark to let her speak to him (Mark) before he says anything. C.J.'s still conscious that Toby's behind her, and turns to look at him; Toby gives her the "old friend of Leo McGarry's" story. C.J. knows she has to go now. She asks Mark for twenty minutes before he breaks the story. He says, "Why?" C.J. says, "We've done things together..." He relents, saying, "I'm looking at my watch."

In the White House kitchen, Jed finds Abby having a sandwich and a glass of milk. Jed indicates for the waiters working nearby to scram by saying "Fellas?" Everyone vamooses. Jed says softly, "You're mad at me." She replies, "Jed, you know what? I'm not your mommy." He says, "Abby, so I indicated we were open to new ideas. How did I fail you this time?" Looking pained, Abby says: "You didn't fail anybody Jed. They've been giving you some pretty decent style points." He looks like he knows he can't win and says, "I have a meeting," and starts to walk away. She inquires, "At what point in the process did you decide not to mention the Violence Against Women Act in tonight's address?" Jed says things had to be cut. She tells him, "Jane Robinson, by the way, is the name of the woman I made the cheque out to. It wasn't cashed because she framed it. Charlie tracked her down at a battered women's shelter; now that's what made me think of the Violence Against Women Act." Jed says that to make a ninety-minute speech into an eighty-minute speech, some things had to go. Abby: "It's a good thing it didn't have to be any shorter, or school uniforms might not have made the cut." Burn! Jed says, "Abby!" Abby: "We had a deal." Jed says, "Right now..." She carries on: "We made a promise! You made a deal! When did you decide you were going to run for a second term?" Jed looks genuinely surprised, objecting, "That's not what tonight's speech was..." She replies angrily, "That's all that tonight's speech was about! You kicked off your reelection campaign and I'm sitting here eating a sandwich 'cause we had a deal." He says, "That was three years ago." She says, "Yeah," and looks on the verge of tears. He tells her that he has Special Forces on their way to Colombia on ready alert and that they'll be ready for an order in less than three hours. She asks what happened; he tells her about the DEA agents. Charlie comes up to tell him the senior staff's waiting for him; Jed says he'll be right there. He says pleadingly, "Abby..." She stands up and says, "No, you gotta focus right now." He says, "All right. I've got to go." She tells him, "I'll stay up with you." He leaves, walking backward and looking at her. Once he's gone, she looks sad for a moment and then leaves through the swinging doors. She pauses for a moment framed by the large circular window in the door. She returns to the reception room and begins warmly greeting guests with what appears to be a very sincere smile. What a good political wife she makes. Jed should act a little more like he knows he's lucky to have her. The music plays as she works the room; the scene fades out on Mark saying that the State of the Union address appears to be a blockbuster. It has a very "to be continued" feel; no doubt it will be.