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Chapter Text

“Cheers to our last night out before we settle down and get ourselves a degree,” Marlene announces, holding her paper cup high in the air. She’s met with a chorus of enthusiastic cheers and cups bumping together.

“In your dreams,” Sirius remarks under his breath. As third years, library trips and coffee shops were meant to replace their weekly nights out drinking. Unfortunately, hosting a ‘final night out’ has become something of a gimmick. It’s late January and they show no signs of stopping.

Regulus sits beside him in the circle they’ve formed on the floor around the alcohol. “How many times is one of your friends going to host a ‘final night out’?” he asks dryly.

Sirius grabs a bottle by its neck and snorts. “I’d say we’ve got another few months in us. Shall I pour you one?”

“Sure,” Regulus says, holding his cup out. Going out with Sirius’ friends is the only social life he has, and as a first year he doesn’t have to worry about knuckling down just yet.

Everyone is packed into Marlene’s kitchen: him, Remus Sirius, James, Lily, Mary, Alice, Frank, Marlene, Dorcas and Peter. Most of them sit on the floor, pouring alcohol and mixer into red paper cups. It’s long past dark and layered voices fill the small space. Regulus sips his sour-tasting liquid, content with being on the sidelines. SIrius’ friends took some getting used to, but he’s gradually being incorporated into the group, even if just out of pity.

Lily puts her speaker in the middle and flashes a QR code around. “Join the playlist, guys. Anyone who puts on whiny boybands again is getting blacklisted.”

“They’re soulful, not whiny,” says Dorcas, getting an exasperated groan from Lily.

“Last time Mary put on all the best songs, and the fact a deaf person has a better music taste than all of you says a lot.”
This gets a round of laughs including from Mary.

Regulus leaves them to it, soaking up the atmosphere. This is all new to him as of a few months ago. Finally moving away from his parents for university has allowed him more freedom than he imagined. He only has to see them for a week at Christmas and Easter now, and he couldn’t be happier.

“Another?” Marlene asks him while she goes around with a bottle in her hand. Regulus nods, and she pours him a generous helping.

Sirius glances into the cup and stares up scornfully. “Fucking hell, don't give him a double to start with.”

Regulus takes a sip and tries not to pull a face. “It's fine, it'll save you from buying me drinks later.”

“That's the spirit,” Marlene grins.

Sirius scoffs. “Who said I was going to buy you drinks later?”

Pre-drinks always goes on for at least an hour longer than they anticipated. By the time they get going, Regulus is pleasantly dizzy. The others lock arms while they head to the pub. He walks beside Remus who goes at a slower pace, their cane tapping against the pavement. Alcohol doesn’t mix with their medication so they’re the sober, responsible one.

They squeeze into the only available area of the pub, a corner upstairs. They spread across two tables, Regulus tucked away on the edge with Remus on his left, then Sirius, James, Marlene and Alice. Someone’s ordering a round of drinks for the table and Regulus is eagerly sipping a glass from whoever bought them.

“Have one of these,” Sirius says, leaning across with a beer bottle.

Regulus scrunches his nose up. “I don’t like beer.”

“Yeah, but as a man you at least have to pretend to.”

“I didn’t know this was part of my transition.”

Remus chuckles. “Didn’t you know Sirius only lets me drink tropical cocktails to prove I'm no longer a man.”

Regulus rolls his eyes as Sirius slides the beer across the table towards him. “Fine, I’ll have half.”

“Mhm, ‘course you would.”

What barely feels like much long later, Regulus feels a tap on his shoulder.
“Regulus, darling, I owe you one of these from last time,” Lily says, handing him a strawberry daiquiri before disappearing back to her table.

Remus chuckles at his surprised expression. “How generous.”

Regulus doesn't complain, taking a sip of the sweet liquid.

“So,” Remus says, leaning over. “Have you had any more luck with the scary guy who sat next to you in lectures?”

Regulus nods in recognition. While debriefing Sirius, and by extension Remus, about this semester, he told them about Barty. Barty must be at least six foot two, with thick eyebrows and a dyed black mullet. He speaks very little and looks annoyed by default. It’s to Regulus’ surprise that out of a room of hundreds, Barty has sat next to him for three lectures in a row.

“Barty.” Regulus knows his smile is sloppy, but he’s the perfect level of drunk. “It’s going pretty well. We’ve been sitting together in every lecture. I’ve prised a few words out of him. Saw his phone screen, too, you know. Lock screen.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s him and this guy in front of a sunset. Clearly his boyfriend.”

Remus’ eyebrows raise in surprise. “I swear you were describing him as, what was it, ‘the straightest man ever to walk this earth’.”

“That’s what I thought,” Regulus says. “But he does have his ears pierced, and what’s a straight explanation for having you and your boy in front of the sunset as your lock screen?”

While Remus considers this, James returns to the table with two drinks in his hand. “Another drink?” he says. “It’s a vodka cranberry.”

Regulus knows he’s reaching his limit, but James looks expectant and he supposes one more wouldn’t hurt.

“Okay,” he says. Then, “thanks.”

Regulus has lost sense of time. All he knows is that he went to the toilet with Alice and Dorcas and came back even more drunk. His head is spinning when he returns, so he lays his head on the table. He’s had one, or three, too many. An hour and some water and he should be fine.

“Where’s everyone gone?” he asks James, propping his head up to find they’re the only the ones left at the table.

“Sirius went out for a smoke with Remus, and the girls are in the toilet.”

Regulus sinks his head in his hands. “Sirius- fuckin’. Bitch. Said he’d quit smoking.”

“Apparently it doesn’t count when he’s drunk. He’s probably snogging Remus in an alleyway, anyway.”

Regulus pulls a face. “Gross.” He looks around at the empty glasses. “Has anyone ordered water?”

“No, but I can get you some.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

James disappears to the bar. He returns a minute later with a glass of clear liquid. Regulus takes a big gulp, preparing to chug it, when a sour taste hits the back of his throat.

“Fuck, that’s fucking disgusting,” he coughs. “Fucking hell, James. How much alcohol’s in this?”

James chuckles. “None. Seriously, how much have you had? All the alcohol's fried your taste buds.”

Too far gone to think, Regulus just stomachs it and drinks up.

~

“Regulus. Are you feeling okay? Look, I got you some water.”

Regulus doesn’t lift his head up from the table. He’s never drinking again. Sirius’ face is in front of his when he glances up. He forces a nod. “Mhm-hm.”

“Alice, Frank and James are heading home now. They said they'd walk you home, or you can stay out with us and sober up for a bit. What do you want to do?”

Regulus can barely hear the noise over his own pounding head. He must not look as bad as he feels if Sirius is suggesting he could stay out longer.
“Home.”

“Alright.” The voice goes further away. “Are you sure you know where he lives?”

There's a deeper voice. James’. “Yeah, it’s just along the main road. Second left, by the river. Come on, Reggie, let’s get going.”

Regulus peels open his eyes to find Alice, Frank and James beside the table.
“This is Marlene’s fault for pouring him so many doubles,” Sirius mutters. “Are you guys sure you can handle this?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll text you when we’re back.”

“Please do. Just call me if he needs me, ok?”

Regulus feels his arm hoisted around a shoulder, and there’s a tall body beside him. He finds himself propped up by James as they walk out of the pub. He tries to turn around and look for Sirius, but they’re out on the street and he doesn’t know where anyone is. James is saying something but he can’t focus. He tries to break away but he can barely feel his limbs. Everything is heavy and he just wants to close his eyes and slip away.

~

The first thing Regulus feels is his head. It aches, sharpening as he gains consciousness and spreading throughout his whole body like someone’s sticking tiny needles into his skin. He’s unbearably hot under a duvet that’s trapped him in sweat.

His details of last night escapes him. All he remembers is doing pre-drinks in Marlene’s kitchen. Laughter and layers of voices- fuck, his head hurts. He blinks open his eyes to find himself facing an oak desk, a stack of books and an empty water bottle. The wall is painted red and is barren of posters or polaroids.

This isn’t his bedroom. It’s not the spare bedroom in Sirius’ flat, and it’s not Sirius and Remus’ room. The smell is musky, and light filters through half-open blinds. When Regulus musters up the energy to turn over, his blood freezes.

Lying asleep beside him is James Potter.

Regulus sits bolt upright in panic, the dizziness almost forcing himself back down. Oh, he is fucked. His whole body aches, and now he wants to vomit. His jumper is on but his coat is in a heap across the floor. Something catches his eye that makes his skin prickle: his belt is on the floor.

Regulus fumbles around for his phone until he finds it lost under the bedsheets. His fingers tremble as he unlocks it, thanking god it’s not dead, and he goes to his texts.

No new messages. He goes to text Sirius.

10:05  dirius
hello airiius
sirius pls wake up
siriusssss helloooooo

It’s just gone ten. There’s no chance Sirius is awake after he stayed out so late yesterday. Regulus tries to stand up to test the waters. Maybe he can walk home. It’s better than facing whatever happened last night. He stands up and almost topples over again. Fuck. The room keeps spinning even when he's still. Admitting defeat, he carefully sits back on the bed.

James is lying peacefully on his back with a loose t-shirt on and hair touselled out of shape. Regulus stares at him breathing in and out. He knows the obvious implications of waking up next to someone partially clothed, but his mind is blank. Besides from a bad gut feeling, a few slivers come back to him- drinks in Marlene’s kitchen, the pub, him and Remus talking about Barty. A lot of drinks. Did he choose to walk back with James? Why would Sirius let him if he wasn’t sure?

When Regulus goes to recross his legs, he feels a new pain. A sharp, stinging pain right between his legs. It’s uncomfortable. The more he notices it, the more it feels like someone’s taken a knife to him. Torn open, like he’s bleeding.

His body flushes cold as it hits him. Something happened between him and James. Clearly, something happened. He’s never been attracted to James- or men, for that matter- but what other explanation is there? Could he have been so drunk that he went along with it?

His phone lights up and he breathes a sigh of relief at the notification.

10:09  Heyyy i’m awake
How you doing after last night?

Regulus texts back immediately. He can’t stand another moment in James’ bedroom unable to walk with no recollection of what happened.

I'm ok
please can you come and pick me up

Oh where are you rn?
I thought James said he walked you home

no I'm at James's

Oh
Why are you there?
Is everything ok??

yes can you just come and get me

Sure
Im on my way now
Can I call you??

no James is still sleeping

Okay I'm on my way
I'll be 10 mins

Slightly pacified, Regulus goes to retrieve his belt from the floor. He lurches forward unexpectedly, and the momentum makes him crash face-first into the floor.

It’s a greater knock to his dignity than anything. He lands on a soft part of the carpet, even more disorientated as he forces himself to his feet. The noise causes James to stir. Regulus used to hate James for taking away his brother, but recently he’s come to understand sixteen-year-old James was just looking out for his friend. They were on tolerable terms. Now, all Regulus feels is a spike of fear when James yawns and sits up.

“Morning,” James says like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Regulus pulls his coat on and makes a special effort to stand upright, not showing his dizziness. “What happened last night?” he asks, straight to the point.

“Morning to you, too.” James doesn’t see the rush in replying as he stretches his arms above his head. “Last night, uh, everyone got pissed and had a great time.”

“Yes, but why am I here?”

James’ easy expression doesn’t falter. “You were in a pretty bad way, so I said you could stay over. It was easier than going back to yours. Did you sleep well?” He blinks as Regulus sways a little on his feet. “You still drunk?”

“No, I’m fine,” Regulus snaps. He would phrase the next question more delicately if his head wasn’t pounding. “Did anything happen? Like, between us." He sighs at James' raised eyebrows. "Come on, James, I don't remember anything."

“Obviously nothing happened,” James says, his eyebrows furrowing like Regulus is stupid for even asking. “Why would you even say that?”

Regulus glances away. He’s never been good at confrontation.
“My belt was on the floor,” he says quietly.

James keeps that innocent frown on his face. “And? You must’ve taken it off.”

Barely able to walk or speak, Regulus doubts the last thing on his mind last night was undoing his belt for a more comfortable sleep.
“I feel… weird,” he contiues, rapidly losing momentum.

“Yeah, you’re hungover as fuck.”

“No, like. Down there.” James blinks as he absorbs the words, and Regulus pushes on. “Did we have sex? Because it feels like we did.”

James sits upright in bed, a scoff filling the tense air. “Seriously?" he says incredulously. "Firstly, how would you even know what that feels like, and I’m sorry, but you’re not exactly my go-to for that, are you? You’re not even my type.”

His uncharacteristic rudeness puts Regulus even more on edge. His words shouldn’t mean anything, but they sting a little, as if Regulus is crazy for suggesting it. The general nausea sharpens. He needs to leave. When James reaches out a hand, Regulus steps back.
“Get off me.” It comes out on instinct.

James’ face twists in an instant. He gets out of bed, drawing himself up to his full height. “Are you kidding me? Are you seriously going to pull this card on me? Why would we fuck? You’re fucking delusional, I don’t even like you.”

Static in Regulus’ ears. In that moment, everything becomes clear. His expression goes blank. He knows what James did. James wouldn’t be so defensive if it didn’t.
"I need to go,” he says. “Sirius is coming to pick me up."

The furious glint to James’ eyes disappears, and he almost looks vulnerable. "Sirius? Why have you dragged him into this?"

"I haven't dragged him into anything. I just asked him to come and get me."

"Fine, just don’t go getting ideas,” James warns. "You were drunk out of your mind, we went home like Sirius agreed, and we went to bed. Nothing happened, ok? You’re being paranoid."

The unspoken edge to his words is barely disguised: Sirius won’t believe you over me. And maybe James is right. He was drunk, and he doesn’t remember anything, and maybe he is being paranoid.

James has a new, mean look in his eyes, and it scares Regulus. Everyone loves James, he's happy and enthusiastic and carefree. He's the shining sun at the centre of his friend group. So where does this side of him fit in?

“Fine,” Regulus mutters. Even if he wasn't dizzy and recovering from last night, he wouldn't be able to take on James for a second. “I'm not going to say anything. I just want to go home.”

“I’ll walk you down,” James says as if it’s a polite offer rather than a form of surveillance.

Regulus isn’t in a position to refuse. He stumbles out of James’ apartment and down the stairs, clinging to the bannister instead of accepting the hand James offers. He could let the dizziness overwhelm him and succumb to sleep, but then what if he ended up with more pain and another bout of missed memories?

They wait a painful four minutes out in the morning cold. Regulus perches on the wall with a clenched stomach. After what feels like forever, a car pulls up. It's Sirius and Remus' car, a blue seven-seater. He breathes out a sigh of relief at the sight of it.

"Hi, you two," Sirius calls out of the rolled-down window. "I didn’t expect to see you here, Regulus.” There’s an edge of question to his voice.

James turns on the charm in an instant. His smile is so genuine that Regulus feels slightly sick.
"Sorry to drag you out like this, Pads," he says. "Why get the bus home when you have a perfectly good brother as a taxi service, right?" He scratches his head. “Yeah, we didn’t make it to Regulus’ last night, so I said he could stay at mine.”

It’s a perfectly natural explanation. It sounds even more plausible than it logically is. Regulus doesn’t hang around to dispute it. He just gets in the passenger seat and closes the door, thankful to finally put some distance between him and James. It’s no surprise that Sirius accepts his explanation in the blink of an eye.

“You got home alright, though?” Sirius asks.

“Yeah, mate," says James.

“Okay, we’ll see you around, then.”

“Yeah, text me.” James raises his hand. “Bye, Regulus.”

Bye, Regulus. It's a taunt, right in front of Sirius' face. Regulus can’t bring himself to look in his direction, his stomach clenched even tighter.

Sirius raises an arm out of the window. "See you."

The car pulls away and Sirius begins driving towards Regulus' apartment. It’s a studio apartment in the city, funded by his parents and well away from the hellscape of student accommodation. Regulus shuffles in his seat, trying to find a position that doesn't feel like he's being impaled on shitty anesthetic.

“Is everything okay?” Sirius asks, shooting him a sideways glance. “You sounded a bit off over text.”

"Yeah," Regulus murmurs. He presses a hand to his spinning head. "I just still feel drunk. And sick.”

"Shit, how much did you have?"

“I can’t remember.” Regulus touches his fingertips to his palm, a sad panic washing over him. He remembers doing a few shots at the bar, then Lily bought him a strawberry daiquiri, Sirius got him a beer and James was handing him water that didn’t taste like water and he was too far gone to remember what happened after that.

“They said they'd walk you home,” Sirius says a little frustratedly. “How come you ended up at James’?”

Regulus shrugs, hiding the disgusted feeling in the back of his throat. He was wondering that, too.
“What he said. I really don't remember. I had way too much.”

Sirius shakes his head. “Remind me never to let Marlene pour you a drink again.”

Regulus doesn't say that Marlene wasn't the problem. “Anyway, did you have fun after I left?” he says, eager to redirect the topic.

Sirius accepts the change in subject. “Yeah, we went onto the clubs by the quayside. They all let us in even though we weren't dressed up. They must've been gagging for group of young women so much that they didn't care about me and Remus. Remus forced me to have about two litres of water when we got back which is why I’m up bright and early.”

Regulus nods, staring at the traffic as they get increasingly closer to his sad, single-room studio apartment. He's sure that left alone, he's going to overthink and spiral and end up calling Sirius anyway.

"Can I come over to yours for a bit?" he asks. He normally doesn't ask unprompted since Remus and Sirius are always up to something, but right now third-wheeling is the least of his concerns.

“Yeah, sure,” says Sirius. He takes the next left without hesitation.

Last year, Sirius and Remus bought out the ground floor of a terraced house on the outskirts of the city. In a nice suburban area, it overlooks a back garden and is away from the inner city smog. It’s Regulus’ favourite place. Polaroids of everything are stuck on their walls and rows of plants in pots line every available windowsill. The rooms are crowded with left-behind bits and pieces: well-loved books, letters, earbuds, empty coffee mugs.

Regulus takes the armchair in the living room- his armchair- and waits for the spinning dizziness to ease. He sips some well-needed water, and tucks his knees up to his chest while Sirius mutters something about checking on Remus.

Regulus gazes around the living room, finally alone. It's peaceful for a moment, then he starts to picture all the times James has walked in. James, who has a spare key. James who was mocking what he did in front of Sirius’ face.

Regulus wraps his arms around himself, suddenly feeling vulnerable sitting alone in the living room. With Sirius over the corridor with Remus, what’s to stop James from taking him away like he did last night? What makes him any safer here?

~

Sirius leaves Regulus in the living room to tell Remus about the change of plan. He assumes it’s the alcohol that’s making Regulus spacey. The only person who stayed sober is tucked in bed with a book, pleased that they’ve got the day off work.

“Hi, love,” Sirius murmurs, kissing Remus on the cheek. “Regulus is here.”

Remus raises their eyebrows. “Oh?”

“He asked if he could come over for a bit. He was acting a bit off.” He bites his lip guiltily. “I think I should've kept a better eye on him yesterday.”

Remus’ eyes trace his, concerned. “Do you think something happened?”

“I should've at least walked him home myself. James didn't even manage it.” He shakes his head. “Anyway, you still sore?”

“Always,” Remus smiles. “At least I’m not hungover.”

“Hey, neither am I,” Sirius says.

“Thanks to me.”

Sirius leans forward, sinking into bed beside them. “Yes, thanks to you.” Remus pulls him closer to kiss him on the lips, and suddenly they’re teenagers again, stealing kisses when no one’s looking.

They’re interrupted by a bang. The bedroom door bursts open. Regulus stands in the door with an expression of terror torn across his face.
“You need to lock the front door, someone’s going to come in and get me,” he blurts out, darting forward to stand behind Sirius where he’s safest. “Sirius lock the door, you need a bolt or something-”

“Regulus,” Sirius says, using his body to block the door. He doesn’t know if it’s a panic attack, a flashback or something else. “Take a deep breath for me. Why do I need to lock the door?”

Remus grabs their cane. “I’ll make sure it’s locked.”

Sirius mouths ‘thank you’, and holds his hands up towards Regulus. “Look at me, Reg, try and focus on me. No one’s coming to get you. I’m here. It’s just us.”

“No, Sirius, I’m not crazy, I’m telling you,” Regulus says, heaving out breaths. He holds his head in his hands. “You need to change the fucking locks or I can’t come here again cuz he’s gonna get in and I can’t, I just can’t-.”

“I know you’re not crazy,” Sirius says, trying to sound reassuring. “Reg, are you talking about Papa? You know he doesn’t know where me and Remus live, right?” When Regulus keeps gasping for breaths, he tries a different tactic. “Alright, just take a breath. Look at me, look at how I’m breathing. Breathe with me, Reg.”

Regulus glues his terrified eyes on Sirius and manages to take a longer breath in. “No, I’m not safe, it’s not safe here."

“You are, Regulus, I promise. It’s just us here,” Sirius says. “Just focus on your breathing, okay?” After everything that happened with their parents, this isn’t new, although it’s been a while since Regulus had a panic attack this bad. He signals to the end of the corridor. “Let’s go to the bathroom. It’s definitely safe in there.”

Regulus’ eyes are unfocused and dilated, so he holds out a hand. "Come on, take my arm.” Thankfully, Regulus grabs onto the sleeve.

The bathroom is the only room in Sirius’ house with a lock. A big, brass bolt means no one can get to them.

Regulus sits with his back against the door, palms on the cold floor. His gasping breaths slow down until he’s able to breathe properly.

Sirius gives him space to process whatever’s going on in his head. He’s learned that the best thing is just to be here for him. Their parents wrecked Regulus’ confidence, and it has taken a lot to bring him out of his self-conscious shell. The trembling wreck in front of him reminds him of the boy Sirius thought they’d moved on from.

“You feeling better?” Sirius asks several minutes later.

Regulus is fixed on his phone, scrolling through videos to drain his concentration. He looks up, more embarrassed than anxious.
“Yeah,” he says. “Sorry for freaking out. I should go home now. I can get the bus.” He goes to stand up, but he stumbles and slams a hand into the wall to steady himself.

“No, look, you’re still dizzy,” says Sirius. “I’ll drive you back. We can go now if you want, or-”

“Now. I need to go now.”

“Okay. We can go now.”

Sirius offers his hand again. Perhaps going home will calm him down. They head to the car together and Sirius drives a quiet Regulus home.

~

Regulus watches Sirius’ car pull away from his bedroom window. When it disappears from view, he turns back an empty apartment. The panic at having James appear at any moment is gone, but a sense of dread remains. Things are far from over. No one knows anything and they’re all going to continue being friends with James like nothing’s wrong. The idea of seeing James again makes him feel sick. How can he be around their group again? How can he go to Sirius and Remus’ without worrying about him showing up?

He wants to take a shower to wash the disgust off his skin, but he still feels dizzy so he does the next best thing and climbs into bed to cover himself in blankets. It hurts. Not just his feelings, but his body. It feels like James forced his way in. Bleeding and broken, it feels like he’s permanently damaged from the inside out.

He lies in bed feeling disconnected from the body he's stuck in, and waits for the dizziness to ease.