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The Greeks have a belief that humans were once born with four arms and four legs, and as punishment for their pride, they were split into two. Humans were never meant to be alone, never meant to be bipedal, they were meant to be halves of a whole.
Jackie’s never felt a loss like that before, not when she has Shauna. Jackie and Shauna, they might not have come into the world together, but they were going to leave together. They were inseparable.
(You're the best thing to ever happen to me)
The plane is rapidly plummeting out of the sky, but all Jackie can think about is Shauna. Shauna’s still passed out, the Valium still in her system. Jackie’s glad that Shauna doesn’t have to witness what’s about to happen. Jackie will die with a scream in her throat, but Shauna will merely fall asleep and never wake up.
She moves closer, cradling Shauna's head to her chest.
I'll protect you. When they find our charred corpses, they won't know where you end and I begin. It's what we've always wanted, right?
(But also the worst thing to ever happen to me)
Shauna won’t look at her. It’s all Jackie wants, all she wants is for Shauna to look her in the eyes again. But she won’t. Shauna voted against her, Shauna voted to go to the lake. The betrayal simmers in her stomach, and Jackie keeps glaring at the back of her head as they walk.
It’s not about the lake, it’s about us, Jackie wants to scream, you’re supposed to have my back!
Shauna, unaware of her inner thoughts, keeps trudging along beside Tai. Jackie glares at their heads, then scoffs, locking her eyes on the ground. Her poison ivy rash aches, and she resists the urge to scratch it again.
If this is what kills me, then I deserve to die, her previous words echo in her head. Beside her, Nat stumbles into her.
Jackie turns, an insult on her tongue, to see Nat’s eyebrows are raised, a silent are you okay look in her eyes. Stunned, any words die on her tongue and Jackie turns back to look at the ground. She’s being pathetic, and she knows it, but this is Shauna, the same girl who’s been attached to Jackie’s hip since they were kids.
Jackie just gives Nat a short nod. She feels Nat’s eyes on her, but doesn’t say anything, and she doesn’t dare look up again.
(The worst of all blessings, the best of all curses)
Who is Jackie without Shauna? Where do planets go when they fall out of orbit?
Jackie doesn’t know. Her entire life’s been uprooted overnight, and she knows she’s not fitting in the way she should be, she can see it when her jokes don’t land and her pep talks don’t work. And Shauna has always fit in, but here she shines.
Here, the girls need her. They don’t need Jackie. Jackie sees the way they flock after each other, sees the way Shauna and Tai wander off into the woods together, and even when Jackie asks, Shauna never gives her a straight answer.
Jackie doesn’t know what to do, they’ve never kept secrets from each other. It’s not what best friends do.
At least at night, Shauna is still hers. Their pillows overlap, Shauna’s head nearly pressed against hers. As winter grows closer, Shauna unconsciously scoots toward Jackie in her sleep. When Shauna’s arms wrap around her waist, her hips pressed against Jackie’s, all Jackie can feel is pride.
She’s mine, she wants to scream, she’ll always be my best friend.
(What kind of emotion, is it hatred or pure sweetness when I hear your name?)
She’s only doing this so she can be a good friend, Jackie tells herself, taking out Shauna’s diary and glancing around. Quietly, she pries it open.
Shauna won’t tell her what’s wrong, and Jackie’s not stupid, something is wrong. It’s clear in her snappy attitude, the way Shauna keeps pulling away from her, and how Shauna always tries to avoid her.
Something is wrong, so Jackie’s going to fix it. She’s good at fixing things, she can help Shauna.
Just tell me what you need, Jackie wants to shake her by the shoulders, but Shauna’s never reacted well to confrontation. She keeps her emotions buried, they need to be carefully extracted from her.
So, Jackie takes a deep breath and then looks down at the diary. It starts normal enough, so Jackie skips forward and then stops when she sees Jeff’s name written down. Jackie looks down at the passage and the diary clatters out of her hands.
Her hands are shaking as she presses a hand to her mouth. Her sight is blurry from tears and she can feel her chest heaving as she struggles to breathe.
Shauna’s sleeping with Jeff, the thought keeps ping-ponging around her head and no, no, no that can’t be right, Shauna’s supposed to be hers, she’s Jackie’s best friend, best friends wouldn’t do that to each other.
Right?
(But my best enemy is you, flee from me, the worst is you and I)
The line between love and hate has always been thin. She knew their fight would be disastrous, knew Shauna never reacts well when cornered, but she wasn’t expecting this. Jackie gawks at her best friend, trying to wrap her head around everything. Have you hated me the entire time I loved you?
“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” Jackie cries.
The words hit her, and Shauna’s mouth just twists. Her head gives a little shake, and Jackie is frozen as she examines Shauna, her brown eyes looking like nothing more than black holes.
“Or maybe you never did,” Shauna confesses, working her jaw.
Jackie can’t look at her anymore, can’t look at the others, as she slams the door behind her and rushes out into the cold.
(But if you keep searching for my voice, forget me, the worst is you and I)
Jackie wraps her arms around herself, staring down at her pathetic little fire. Her breath keeps coming out in ragged clouds, and the sky is only getting cloudier and cloudier. Her thin blanket won’t be enough for the cold tonight.
Just come outside, Jackie glances at the cabin door behind her, tell me you’re sorry. Tell me you love me. That’s what I would do for you.
The door doesn’t open. Jackie swallows her hope, and tries to ignore the way her teeth chatter. She curls in on herself.
Jackie looks at the embers, and can only think of Shauna’s smile. Tragic, insecure, boring, Shauna hisses.
Shauna’s always loved tragedy and folklore, whether the stories belonged to the Greeks or the Romans or the Catholics. She loved the history about Pompeii, loved the story of Orpheus, and loved the tragic deaths of the saints.
A stray thought ends Jackie’s mind, as fast as a bullet, If…if I die, I’ll be a martyr. I’ll die because I believed in you.
It causes a hysterical laugh to bubble from her lips, and then it cracks through the fragile evening silence. Jackie’s shoulders shake, as her fire begins to die. She could get up, she could stomp back into a place where no one wants her, or…or she could give up.
No, no, it was always supposed to be us. I can’t do that to her, Jackie tries to be rational.
She must fall asleep at some point, because when Jackie wakes, she feels unnaturally warm. Her fire’s nearly gone out, and she hears the cabin door open behind her, but she doesn’t look back. Instead, she clenches her jaw stubbornly.
“I’m sorry,” Shauna comes out, crouching by her side, “will you come inside?”
After a moment, Jackie looks over at her. There are dried tear tracks on her face, but her eyes are warm and full of concern. Shauna hasn’t looked at her like that since the plane crashed.
Jackie moves without thinking. Shauna smiles at her, like she did before, as she enters the warm cabin. The girls have gathered in a semi-circle to welcome her back, and apprehension sits in her gut. Shauna shows her to a chair in the center of the room, and drapes a blanket over her shoulders.
Lottie hands her a cup. Before Jackie can drink it, the smell hits her. Hot chocolate.
It reminds her of simpler times, of snowball fights with Van, of making gingerbread houses with Shauna even though she was Jewish, of the white elephant gifts the team would do each year. It reminds her of the love they used to have for each other, long before senior year, long before the plane crash. Jackie swallows down her affection.
The others look at her expectantly. She knows it's not real. She's read the tale of Persephone, knows that to eat the food of the dead means you'll stay there forever. Still, she holds the warm mug in her hands.
"You're the best friend I’ve ever had, you know that right?" Shauna crouches by her side, a gentle hand on her shoulder.
Oh . Jackie stares at her. I really am dying.
She looks down at the mug in her hands, then back to Shauna. Something like vindication swirls in her gut as she chugs it down.
"Yeah, I know," Jackie whispers.
I'll never see you again, and you'll see my face every day for the rest of your life.
The world blurs around the edges. Jackie closes her eyes, listens to the crackle of the fire, and never wakes up.