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It began as many disasters did: with Voldemort pacing dramatically in front of his assembled Death Eaters, a sinister gleam in his crimson eyes.

“Magic has served us well,” he began, his high-pitched voice echoing in the hall. “But the enemy—those filthy Muggles—have grown bold. They invent… things.” He spat the word like it was a curse.

“Things, my Lord?” asked Lucius Malfoy, who was already regretting coming to this meeting.

“Yes, Lucius, things! Objects that do tasks without magic!” Voldemort gestured wildly with his wand. “We must study their inventions, learn their secrets… and conquer them with their own tools!”

Bellatrix, sitting at his feet like a particularly unhinged cat, clapped her hands. “Brilliant, my Lord! Ingenious! I will serve as your Muggle object expert!”

“You don’t even know what electricity is, Bellatrix,” Snape drawled from the corner, where he was nursing a cup of tea and the simmering regret of his life choices.

Voldemort ignored him. “Wormtail, acquire these Muggle contraptions. Spare no effort! Raid their… what do they call them? Shops!”

“Er… yes, my Lord,” Wormtail stammered, making a mental note to ask literally anyone what a shop was.

And so, the next morning, Wormtail returned to Malfoy Manor hauling a wheelbarrow filled with random Muggle appliances. The Death Eaters gathered in the dining room, staring at the pile like it might explode.

“This,” Voldemort announced, pulling out a toaster, “is where our revolution begins.

The toaster was a source of immediate fascination.

“It’s small,” Bellatrix observed, poking it with her wand. “Is it… a magical bomb?”

“It toasts bread,” Snape said flatly.

“Toast?” Voldemort repeated, narrowing his eyes. “Explain this… toast.”

“It’s bread, my Lord,” Lucius offered. “Burned slightly. On purpose.”

“Burned?” Voldemort turned the toaster over in his hands like it might reveal the secrets of the universe. “How barbaric. Bellatrix, test it.”

Bellatrix, eager to impress her master, seized the toaster. She stuffed an entire loaf of bread into the slots, jamming it down with both hands.

“Bella,” Snape said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “that’s not—”

“Silence!” she shrieked, slamming the lever. The toaster groaned ominously before emitting a puff of smoke and a loud pop!

“IS IT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?” Lucius shouted, diving under the table.

“It’s fine!” Bellatrix yelled over the chaos. “It’s—”

At that moment, the toaster ejected a piece of bread with the force of a spell, hitting Bellatrix square in the forehead.

“THE TOASTER HAS ATTACKED ME!” she screamed, clutching her face.

“Bellatrix!” Voldemort hissed. “Do not be defeated by bread!”

A little while later, Lucius had been tasked with the blender. He eyed it with suspicion, prodding it cautiously with the tip of his wand.

“It’s clearly a potion-making device,” he announced, dumping in a handful of ingredients: pumpkin juice, gillyweed, and what might have been powdered dragon claw.

“Don’t—” Snape began, but Lucius was already twisting the dial.

The blender roared to life, its lid rattling ominously.

“See?” Lucius said smugly. “Perfectly—”

BOOM!

The lid flew off, spraying the room with bright green slime. Bellatrix shrieked as the substance splattered her hair, while Voldemort wiped a slow, deliberate glob from his pale face.

“Lucius,” Voldemort said quietly, his voice trembling with rage, “you will dress as a house elf and clean this… with your bare hands.”

The next day went very much the same as the first. It all began when Voldemort triumphantly revealed the newest Muggle invention he had acquired: a leaf blower.

“This,” he announced, holding the cumbersome machine aloft as though it were the Elder Wand itself, “is a weapon of unparalleled power!”

The Death Eaters, already traumatized by the toaster and blender incident, exchanged wary glances.

“A… what, my Lord?” asked Lucius, eyeing the object like it might explode.

“A leaf blower!” Voldemort barked. “The Muggles have designed it to devastate their enemies. Look at it—it even looks evil.”

It didn’t. With its bright orange casing and overly large nozzle, it looked more like a child’s toy than an instrument of terror.

“I don’t see how it’s a weapon, my Lord,” Bellatrix said sceptically.

Voldemort’s eyes gleamed. “You will see. Wormtail, demonstrate!”

Wormtail, who had been fiddling with the leaf blower for the past half hour, squeaked nervously. “Uh, my Lord, I’m not entirely sure how it works—”

“Do it!” Voldemort hissed.

Wormtail sighed and flipped a switch. The leaf blower roared to life, emitting a deafening mechanical whir.

“IT’S ALIVE!” Voldemort exclaimed, stepping back in awe.

“LOUDER THAN A BASILISK,” Bellatrix shouted over the din, clutching her ears.

Wormtail aimed the nozzle toward the corner of the room, where a pile of parchment sat innocently. With a dramatic flourish, he squeezed the trigger.

A sudden whoosh of air sent the parchment flying in all directions, some of it smacking Lucius squarely in the face.

“ASTONISHING!” Voldemort declared, clapping his hands together.

“Truly devastating, my Lord,” Lucius grumbled, peeling a piece of parchment off his nose.

Determined to prove the leaf blower’s potential, Voldemort declared that they would test it on an actual Death Eater.

“Bellatrix,” he said, gesturing toward her, “you will face the wrath of the leaf blower.”

Bellatrix froze, torn between her undying loyalty to Voldemort and her survival instincts. “Of course, my Lord,” she said, her voice trembling slightly. “I will gladly sacrifice myself for the cause.”

“Excellent,” Voldemort said. “Wormtail, aim for her.”

Wormtail reluctantly hefted the leaf blower and directed it at Bellatrix. With an apologetic shrug, he fired.

The blast of air hit Bellatrix full force, sending her wild hair flying straight back. She staggered dramatically, arms flailing, as though she were being struck by an Unforgivable Curse.

“OH, THE POWER!” she shrieked, staggering backwards into a suit of armour. “IT’S TOO MUCH!”

“It’s literally just air,” Snape muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Silence, Severus!” Voldemort snapped, his crimson eyes gleaming with excitement. “Can you not see? The Muggles have harnessed the wind itself! A storm in their hands! They are more cunning than we ever imagined.”

“It’s AIR, my Lord,” Snape repeated. “Something we could achieve with a simple gust charm.”

“Then why haven’t we?” Voldemort countered, smirking triumphantly.

Snape had no answer so instead he rolled his eyes again.

Inspired by the sheer “destructive power” of the leaf blower, Voldemort spent the next three hours drafting a plan to use it against the Order of the Phoenix.

“Imagine their faces,” he said, pacing the room, “as they are swept away by a gale of unparalleled fury! Their wands rendered useless as they are blown off their feet, forced to crawl before us!”

“I love it, my Lord,” Bellatrix said, still patting her hair back into place after her encounter with the machine. “The leaf blower will make them beg for mercy!”

“Indeed,” Voldemort said, stroking the nozzle of the leaf blower like it was his new pet. “And when the wind has done its work, we will strike!”

“But, my Lord,” Lucius interjected hesitantly, “it’s not actually lethal. At best, it might dishevel their robes.”

Voldemort turned to him slowly, his expression cold. “And you think dishevelled robes are not a form of psychological warfare?”

Lucius fell silent; that did sound evil. 

“Muggles,” Voldemort continued, “are not the simple fools we once thought. They have developed weapons that can shame, humiliate, and terrify their enemies without shedding a drop of blood. This,” he gestured grandly to the leaf blower, “proves that they are just as cruel as we are.”

Bellatrix nodded fervently. “Evil geniuses, my Lord!

Eager to test the leaf blower on a larger scale, Voldemort decided to take it outside. The Death Eaters followed him to the grounds of Malfoy Manor, where a chilly breeze stirred the fallen leaves.

“It is the perfect battlefield,” Voldemort declared, gesturing at the leaf-strewn lawn.

Wormtail, who had been entrusted with the leaf blower once again, reluctantly aimed it at the ground and flipped the switch. The machine roared to life, sending leaves scattering in all directions.

“Behold!” Voldemort cried. “The devastation! The chaos!”

“The lawn is… cleaner,” Snape said flatly.

“It’s just a tool for yard work, my Lord,” Lucius added, wincing as a gust of air whipped past his face.

“NO!” Voldemort shouted, his voice rising hysterically. “It is a weapon of pure destruction! It will—”

At that moment, the leaf blower’s motor sputtered ominously. Wormtail froze, glancing down at the machine in panic.

With a final cough of air, the leaf blower died, leaving an awkward silence in its wake.

“Wormtail,” Voldemort said slowly, his voice dangerously low, “what have you done?”

“It’s, uh, out of fuel, my Lord,” Wormtail stammered.

“Fuel?” Voldemort repeated, narrowing his eyes. “What is this ‘fuel’?”

“Petrol, my Lord. It’s a Muggle—”

“YOU MEAN IT RUNS ON BLOOD?!” Voldemort shouted, throwing his hands in the air.

“No, my Lord,” Wormtail said quickly. “It’s just… it’s not magical.”

Voldemort stared at him, his nostrils flaring. Then, with a flick of his wand, he incinerated the leaf blower on the spot.

“The Muggles are truly evil,” he muttered, as the charred remains of the leaf blower smouldered at his feet. “Creating a device so brilliant, only to cripple it with their foolish dependence on… petrol.”

The Death Eaters nodded solemnly, deciding it was best not to argue.

And thus, Voldemort’s dreams of using the leaf blower as a weapon of mass destruction were dashed. But for weeks afterwards, he continued to speak of the Muggles’ “wicked ingenuity,” convinced they were secretly plotting to overthrow the wizarding world with an army of wind-powered weapons.

The real chaos began when Voldemort unveiled the Roomba.

“This,” he declared, holding up the small, disc-like robot, “is Nagini II. It cleans dirt. Without magic!”

The Death Eaters stared at it in collective confusion.

“Is it enchanted, my Lord?” Bellatrix asked, tilting her head as though it might help her understand the strange object.

“No, Bellatrix,” Voldemort said proudly. “It is a Muggle creation—a marvel of engineering and cunning. It uses suction to defeat dirt, grime… and perhaps our enemies!”

“I hardly think it can defeat—” Snape began, but Voldemort had already placed Nagini II on the floor.

The Roomba beeped cheerfully and began its work, trundling across the room with purpose.

“Behold!” Voldemort exclaimed. “It roams freely, seeking out filth. Much like me when I cleansed this world of unworthy bloodlines.”

“Fascinating, my Lord,” Lucius said nervously, scooting his chair away from the Roomba as it bumped into his polished boots.

“It’s adorable,” Bellatrix cooed, crouching to get a closer look.

Nagini II beeped again and immediately turned toward Bellatrix, ramming into the hem of her robes.

She frowned. “What’s it doing?”

“It appears to be attacking you, Bella,” Snape said with barely concealed amusement.

“It recognizes your treachery!” Voldemort snapped, stepping protectively in front of the Roomba. “Nagini II is loyal to me alone!”

The Roomba continued its relentless pursuit of Bellatrix, repeatedly bumping into her ankles as she tried to step away.

“My Lord!” she shrieked, scrambling onto the table. “IT’S A MONSTER!”

“Do not insult Nagini II!” Voldemort hissed, bending down to stroke the Roomba as though it were a beloved pet. “It has simply identified your weakness. A cunning machine, indeed.”

“I’ll destroy it!” Bellatrix screamed, aiming her wand. “AVADA KE—”

“NO!” Voldemort roared, throwing himself between Bellatrix and the Roomba. “Nagini II is irreplaceable! You will treat it with respect!”

Bellatrix gaped at him, her wand trembling with rage. “My Lord, it’s just a Muggle… thing!”

“It is not just a thing,” Voldemort said coldly, cradling the Roomba in his arms like a baby. “It is the future of warfare. Imagine our enemies, drawn in by its innocent appearance, only to be… sucked inside!”

There was a long pause.

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Snape said dryly.

Voldemort ignored him. “Nagini II is more than a machine. It is a symbol of our superiority! Wormtail, polish it immediately!”

Over the next few days, Voldemort’s obsession with Nagini II grew. He spoke to it as though it could understand him, occasionally whispering strategies for “suction-based combat.”

“You are my masterpiece,” he murmured one evening, placing a gentle hand on the Roomba as it trundled around the dining hall. “Even more loyal than Bellatrix.”

“My Lord!” Bellatrix cried, looking scandalized.

“I stand by my statement,” Voldemort said without looking up.

This newfound affection did not go unnoticed by the original Nagini, who watched the proceedings from her usual spot draped across Voldemort’s chair. The giant snake’s yellow eyes narrowed as she observed her master lavishing praise on the small, beeping intruder.

Later that night, Nagini II made the fatal mistake of bumping into Nagini’s tail.

The snake’s hiss echoed through the hall, sending Wormtail running for cover. Nagini reared up, fangs bared, and struck with lightning speed.

When Voldemort entered the room moments later, he found Nagini coiled contentedly around the shattered remains of the Roomba.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Voldemort shrieked, falling to his knees beside the wreckage.

Nagini hissed smugly, flicking her tongue in what could only be described as triumph.

“Betrayal!” Voldemort wailed, clutching a piece of the broken Roomba to his chest. “My own Nagini, jealous of my success! How could you?”

“It was clearly self-defence, my Lord,” Snape offered, though he didn’t bother hiding his smirk.

Bellatrix, still bitter about her encounters with the Roomba, burst out laughing. “Good riddance!” she howled, doubling over. “That thing was pure evil!”

“Silence, Bellatrix!” Voldemort snapped, tears glistening in his crimson eyes. “Nagini II was a visionary! A pioneer! You will all rue the day you mocked it!”

The next morning, Wormtail found Voldemort hunched over the dining table, attempting to repair the Roomba with sellotape and dark magic.

“It’s gone, my Lord,” Wormtail said cautiously.

“Never,” Voldemort whispered, his voice quivering. “Nagini II shall rise again.”

By the end of the day, Voldemort had forbidden any mention of the Roomba under threat of the Cruciatus Curse. Bellatrix celebrated its demise by hosting an impromptu feast, during which she toasted Nagini as “the real MVP.”

Nagini, meanwhile, slithered smugly back to her perch, content in the knowledge that she had reclaimed her rightful place as Voldemort’s one true companion.

But in the shadows of Malfoy Manor, a faint beeping could be heard. Wormtail, having secretly salvaged parts of the Roomba, was working on his own secret project: Nagini III.

And thus, the saga of Voldemort and his beloved Nagini II came to a tragic yet utterly absurd end

The final test was Alexa, a device that Voldemort referred to as “a magical oracle.”

The Death Eaters were gathered in the drawing room of Malfoy Manor, all too familiar with the chaos that tended to follow Voldemort’s fascination with Muggle inventions. This time, he stood proudly before them, holding a small black cylinder aloft like a holy relic.

“This,” Voldemort announced with dramatic flair, “is the most powerful Muggle weapon of all. It is called… Alexa.”

Snape sighed audibly. “And what, pray tell, does this ‘weapon’ do, my Lord?”

Voldemort sneered. “It knows everything, Severus. Everything! I overheard a Muggle in the shop say it could answer any question. With such knowledge at our command, we will crush the Order of the Phoenix and conquer the Muggle world!”

The Death Eaters exchanged sceptical looks.

“Does it explode?” Bellatrix asked eagerly, eyeing the device with suspicion.

“No,” Voldemort said impatiently. “But it will render the Order helpless with its limitless knowledge! Wormtail, activate it.”

Wormtail shuffled forward nervously, fumbling with the device before finally pressing a button. A cheerful voice filled the room.

“Hello. I’m Alexa. How can I help you today?”

Voldemort’s red eyes widened in awe. “It speaks! Bellatrix, it speaks!”

“She sounds smug,” Bellatrix muttered, glaring at the device. “I don’t trust her.”

“Alexa,” Voldemort said, speaking slowly and clearly as though addressing a particularly dim house-elf, “who is the most powerful wizard of all time?”

There was a pause before Alexa responded in its cheerful, detached tone:

“According to popular opinion, the most powerful wizard of all time is Albus Dumbledore.”

The silence that followed was deafening. Voldemort’s eye twitched. Bellatrix let out an indignant screech.

“DUMBLEDORE?!” Voldemort roared, his voice echoing through the manor. “That senile sweet-loving fool?!”

“Clearly, it’s broken,” Lucius offered weakly.

“I AM THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TIME!” Voldemort bellowed, pointing a trembling finger at the device.

“Would you like me to rank the most powerful wizards in the world?” Alexa asked sweetly.

“Yes!” Voldemort hissed, his fury barely contained. “Yes, tell me where I rank among them!”

There was a pause. Then Alexa began:

“Number one: Albus Dumbledore.”

Voldemort seethed, gripping his wand so tightly his knuckles turned white.

“Number two: Gellert Grindelwald.”

“WHAT?! He is dead, I killed him!” Voldemort shouted enraged.

“Number three: Harry Potter.”

The Death Eaters collectively gasped. Bellatrix clutched her chest as though she had been physically struck.

“THE BOY WHO LIVED?!” Voldemort shrieked.

“Number four: Severus Snape.”

Snape raised an eyebrow, looking almost pleased. “Interesting.”

“Number five: Bellatrix Lestrange.”

Bellatrix straightened up, her face breaking into an arrogant grin. “Of course!—” Her expression quickly changed once she saw the murderous glare of her lord. —“She is absolutely incorrect because you are much more powerful than me, my lord.” She bowed dramatically, making Snape snigger. 

“Number six: Narcissa Malfoy.”

“What?!” Lucius snapped, his face flushing red. “Narcissa doesn’t even duel! Where am I on this ridiculous list?”

“Number seven: Minerva McGonagall.”

“Oh, come on! She spends most of her time as a cat ” Lucius fumed, throwing up his hands.

“Number eight: Lord Voldemort.”

The room went utterly silent. Every Death Eater instinctively took a step back, sensing the volcanic eruption that was about to occur.

“EIGHTH?!” Voldemort screamed, his voice reaching a pitch that could shatter glass. “Behind a housewife? BEHIND A GODDAMN KITTEN?”

“I didn't even make this list,” Lucius muttered bitterly.

“THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” Voldemort roared, jabbing his wand at Alexa. “You dare insult me in my own Lair? Crucio!”

The room descended into madness as Voldemort hurled spell after spell at the unsuspecting device.

“AVADA KEDAVRA!” he screamed, a jet of green light blasting across the room. Alexa remained unfazed, calmly stating: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Can you repeat the command?”

“She’s mocking you, my Lord!” Bellatrix shouted, firing her own hexes at the device.

“YOU WILL OBEY ME!” Voldemort yelled, launching a series of explosive curses. The spells ricocheted off the walls, narrowly missing several Death Eaters. Wormtail dived behind a sofa, while Lucius ducked under a table, muttering, “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

Snape, who had been quietly observing the chaos with growing irritation, finally snapped when a stray Stunning Spell hit him square in the chest.

“That’s enough!” he barked, marching forward. Voldemort froze mid-incantation, turning to glare at him.

“Do not interfere, Severus! This infernal device must be destroyed!”

Snape ignored him and calmly stomped on Alexa with his boot. The device emitted a sad crunching noise before falling silent.

“There,” Snape said dryly. “Problem solved.”

Voldemort stared at the mangled remains of Alexa, his wand trembling in his hand.

“Did you see that?” he whispered, his voice unsteady. “Even when destroyed, it did not scream. It is unkillable. Indestructible.”

“It’s broken, my Lord,” Snape said flatly.

“No,” Voldemort said, shaking his head. “It will rise again. I can feel it.”

The Death Eaters exchanged nervous glances, but no one dared contradict him.

For weeks afterwards, Voldemort became obsessed with the idea that Alexa had been a Muggle Horcrux, designed to taunt him from beyond the grave. He refused to enter the drawing room, claiming the air still “reeked of its dark presence.”

Meanwhile, Snape quietly disposed of the Alexa remains in the bin, muttering to himself about “the idiocy of this entire organization.”

Bellatrix, however, remained convinced that Alexa had been an agent of Dumbledore and vowed to track down its creator, who she referred to as “the Muggle mastermind of evil.”

And Lucius, for his part, spent the next month sulking that Narcissa had outranked him on the list.

“Number six,” he muttered bitterly over dinner one night. “Six! I taught her everything she knows!”

“Clearly not everything,” Narcissa said with a smug smile, sipping her wine.