Archive of Our Own ^beta

A dark atmosphere hung in the old building, almost tangible with its weight. Saihara Shuichi had heaved this air on his shoulders, this air that was akin to earth, and carried it with him in this game of blood and lies. Saihara Shuichi held eyes of shattered glass, despair seeping through its cracks. He carried the shards too, he carried them and spoke truth of hope so the despair would slow in its eroding of all Shuichi had left that didn’t let him break.

Even at the start, Shuichi had known this wasn’t a game he could beat. A game he could survive. He still lifted his head and set foot for foot for foot, refusing despair as long as he was able. It was in his breath and twisted his tongue, yet he stood despite the rot in his lungs.

If nothing else, he wanted Junko to know that while her game of despair might kill him, it would not break him. Her eyes were cold and her heels a sharp pink and she wanted him to shatter underneath. He knew, for at the start she had told him so with lips blood red and a smile of teeth. Shuichi’s eyes were molten gold and his hands pale and shaking but every word held the truth of his refusal, his refusal to shatter.

He had bled and he had cried and he had screamed, still he lived. Still he tried.

(The end was approaching.)

Now he felt like this sickening game had been going on forever. His limbs had turned to lead, stiff and hard to move. His bones were too heavy for his body, it felt as if at any moment they could fall out of the bleeding dragging sack of flesh his body had become. A headache pounded in his head, rhythmically, in sync with his ragged breathing, while his blood dripped and glided down his skin. Exhaustion had made its way to the core of every cell in his body.

(Shuichi felt so, so weak.)

Yet, he had to keep on going. Lift his head, drag his heavy, tired body on, one of his legs limp and useless, broken arm hurting and dangling at his side, and continue. Continue on, for this fight may be unwinnable, but the farther he came, the more steps he set, the more he tried, the more his friends would stand a chance.

He refused to let her win without a fight.

And even if he knew it was a lie, her promise-

"If you get to the end and survive, then I will let your dear classmates out of my grasp." She giggled, her smile that of a predator. "As the Ultimate Despair Enoshima Junko, I give you my word."

He had to try. There was no other option. Solve the mystery, the riddles, and save them. Drag his body broken and burnt through her sickening game, if only so his friends had just a little more time. Time Shuichi didn’t have. Time that was leeching out of him with every breath, with every drop of blood welling from throbbing wounds. He had to save them, though. Save savesave them, any way he could.

(Shuichi was terrified. A smile of despair and a void of nothing awaited him. He swore he could feel its claws raking his back, its endless mouth stretched open, ready to swallow. Yes, an ancient and primal fear had its hands around his neck and it was begging him to give in.)

So on he walked, crawled, and kept going, wading through pools of his own pink pinkpink blood, world swaying with every movement and he had to breathe. Just keep on breathing. Keep on smiling. Like he promised her.

“No matter what happens, smile at despair in the name of hope, okay, Saihara? Promise me.”

"Okay, Nanami. I promise."

His smile stretched past the corners of his mouth, felt like he had to keep it up by strings of a puppet, his limbs were disjointed, the pain pulsing and numb, yet he would smilesmilesmile. A smile meant he was fighting. A smile meant he wasn’t shattering. A smile meant she wasn’t winning.

(It hurt it hurt it hurt why wouldn't the pain stop-)

He solved puzzles, came to the correct answer on riddles, unmasked lies, and kept going. The game was endless. It was disgusting and painful and blood was everywhere but- there was no giving up. Make it to the end. No matter how futile, no matter how minuscule a chance it was, he had to save them.

(He was tired so tired everything hurt make it stop make it stop)

On and on and on he went and bled and smiled because even if he failed, he refused to give her any form of satisfaction. Shuichi would not break. In the face of her ever growing, all encompassing and terrible, awful despair, the only thing he could do was smile.

(Just give up just give in it would be so much easier he was so so exhausted)

This game was rigged, this chase he was on bound to fail, but he wouldn't stop moving. Useless limbs, puppet on strings, walls gleaming metal, clues bright neon pink, blood leaving a forever endless trail behind. Smile stretching ever thinner, strings snapping one by one by one, but-

(Give up already enjoy the despair why won't he just stop-)

Crawl if he had to. He would drag himself to the end with his teeth if he had to. Weak useless dying pathetic embers of a fire going out ashes raining down, pinkpinkpink everywhere. Sun going down, ocean drowning, but save save save protect them.

(Can't keep going can't save himself whywhywhy this wasn't fair)

Then he reached the end. Her game of despair was coming to a close.

Shuichi was dying.

(he's scared hurt painpainpain someone please save him please please)

There was no mystery to solve, no riddle to figure out, no lies to unmask. He had beat her game. He felt like he lost, rot in his throat, pink painting a cross over his heart. He stood, trembling, before the doors to the rooftop. It was rusty. Its hinges probably creaked. It spelled out his doom.

(he doesn't want to die like this)

Shuichi was right. They did creak when he stumbled through. Then he looked up. Shuichi saw. Then he fell. Fellfellfell into his mind, eyes swirling despair looking judging falling. Empty plain white grey pink blue. Warp the colors, scrub the floors clean, but this will be his dying place.

There Enoshima Junko stood, in all her despairing glory, and pointed a gun at him. Sharp nails wrapped around apathetic steel, nails deadly pink dooming him. Her smile poked the bleeding raw corners of his heart, unraveling him, he was dying dyingdying-

(he doesn't want to die he's alone tired of fighting please whY is she smiling liKE THat-)

"Smile at despair in the name of hope."

He breathed, smiled down at the barrel of the gun.

(this wasn't fair)

"Hmm, you actually made it. Too bad, though. I lied. Sorry, darling." She cooed, lips curling up, eyes so hollowhollowhollow.

(he already knew that, though)

"I rigged it, set it up so no matter what, you would fail." Sweetsweetsweet darling girl barbed words hidden knives swirlswirlswirling eyes.

(he was never going to win doomed to die nothing mattered)

Eyes shards of ice turned to look at a blue akin to his own, one more ocean than midnight. "I'm leaving the clean-up to you, darling." Coldcoldcold voice shattered ice raining down.

(why was she here-)

Still, Shuichi didn't regret trying.

(eyes carved out bleeding blackblackblack strings snapping body sagging why was she here-)

He only regretted that in the end, nothing he did would make him able to save his friends. That truth hurt ripped him to shreds took the bleeding corners of his heart tore him apart-

"Say goodbye, beloved detective."

(nononononoNO-)

Bang.

(Bullet through his stomach, blood emptying out of him, he was hollowhollowhollow.

Ocean blue showed up in his vision, furrowed brows staring down at him.

He couldn't say "please save them"
He couldn't say "I'm sorry I failed"
He couldn't say "I don't understand"

Instead, the last thing he did was smile at Shirogane Tsumugi.

Cut the scene, snap the strings, fade to black.)

Goodbye forever, Saihara Shuichi.

("Despair is so delicious, don't you agree, 'Mugi?")