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loses her mind, and it happens like this:
In the beginning there is Blair and Serena and Nate. Then there’s BlairandNate. And Serena. (But she secretly thinks it’s always just been SerenaandNate.) Then there is Blair and Nate. Nate has stopped loving her a while ago, Serena has gone off to boarding school. Blair is alone, truly.
Then there’s Nelly Yuki. Fucking Nelly Yuki.
She’s smart and plays the violin and pretty, maybe if she loses the glasses. Blair doesn’t like her, but she sure as well doesn’t hate her. Then she takes Nate. Ok doesn’t take because they’d been broken up when Nelly got together with him. Still, she takes Nate and Penelope talks shit and Izz talks shit then Gossip Girl talks shit. Says that Nelly Yuki is better than Blair Waldorf. It’s hilarious, it’s not true.
They’re sitting on the met steps and Nelly Yuki is sitting on the same step as her, not above (yet a voice tells her). They’re talking and laughing but it’s fake, Blair knows this. She’ll go home and send a fake tip to Gossip Girl about Nelly Yuki. But then. Then a guy walks past, he has a buzz cut and he’s poor. She can tell. He’s the kind of guy that makes the uniform look cheap. Nelly Yuki looks at him like a dog looks at bone.
Blair knows what to do.
Apparently, his name is Daniel Humphrey, and he is a scholarship student. He’s smart and quiet and eats lunch in the library. He desperately wants to fit in. He’s not her type. Her type is rich and pretty and elegant and Nate Archibald. She knows what to do.
“No.”
“I think you didn’t hear me- “
“No, I heard you quite well.”
The bell rings. He walks past her, shoving his shoulder against hers.
He’s a bitch.
Blair’s a bigger one.
So, she stalks him, gets information. Which is kind of useless because there’s absolutely zero blackmail material. He’s clean, pathetically so. But if there’s one thing Blair is, it’s persistent. So, she goes to Brooklyn and stands outside of a very small café. Oh, Nate owes her. So much.
The wind is cold in Brooklyn, the stars shine a little brighter and the air is cleaner. She hates it.
He walks out of the door and jumps a little when he sees her, almost dropping his coffee in the process. She almost cracks a smile. “Jesus. What the fuck. What are you doing here?” He asks, a hand on his chest.
She bristles at his lack of decorum but holds her head high.
“I think you know.” She says and he rolls his eyes walking past her. His outside-of-school clothes are worn worse than his uniform. Plaid shirt wrinkled and worn out, jeans too big and a jacket which is green. He has terrible fashion sense.
It’s bizarre to think he’s Jenny Humphrey’s brother.
“Little J is your sister.” That makes him stop in his tracks, turning around to see her. “Yes. You treat her like shit.” He says glaring at her, eyes bored and pissed. She smirks, walking up to him. “Do this and I'll let her in.” He makes a weird sound, something between a scoff and a laugh, “No offence Waldorf, but I don’t really want my sister in your weird little group.” He says but his eyes have changed, he’s thinking about it.
She stares at him. His lips are red, in the cold. He raises the cup of coffee to his lips and she watches the movement.
She shrugs, “But I'm sure she wants to. And don’t kid yourself Daniel, you do too. You pretend you don’t,” she says smirking, “but you’re just an outsider who desperately wants to get in.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but she doesn't give him the chance. “, and dating me, will help you do just that.”
When he looks at her with his jaw tensed and shoulders stiff, she knows she’s got him. She smiles satisfied. “You know where to find me.”
And he does.
The next day she’s putting on lip gloss when Nelly Yuki walks through the hallways arm in arm with Nate. Her Nate. It makes Blair’s blood boil and her toes curl. She smiles at them tightly. Nelly Yuki looks at her, smile just as tight.
Nate avoids her eyes, seemingly uncomfortable. At least he has the decency. When they walk past her, out of eye line, her smile drops, and she shoves her lip gloss back into the locker already seeing red.
She wants to destroy Nelly Yuki. How dare she. She’s the Blair Waldorf. Nelly Yuki is nothing. She’s going to-
“Hey,” Daniel says from behind her, and she turns. He sighs slinging his bag over his shoulders. “I’m in.”
His timing is impeccable.
She smiles, “great.” Pushing him against the locker, kissing him. He makes a surprised sort of sound at the sudden impact and freezes. Before she could rethink this whole thing, he kisses her back. She hears phone cameras clicking and smiles against his lips. When she pulls away, they’re both heaving.
Whispers erupt in the hallway, and she smiles satisfied, when she looks at him, she knows he’s regretting this already. Well, too bad.
“See you later, babe.” She says a little too loud, smiling brightly at him, reaching out to wipe the gloss- her gloss- that’d transferred to his skin, just below his bottom lip. When she swipes her thumb over his lips, down to his chin, it does nothing to remove the pink on his pale, pale skin.
She decides that it looks good. A mark. So, she leaves it at that, for others to see (for Nelly Yuki to see) and walks away.
Her phone buzzes. It’s on gossip girl.
And so, it begins.
Lunch is quiet, Nelly Yuki is beside Blair, still on the same step as her. It’s fine, all’s according to plan.
Everyone is glancing at each other itching to ask her, but none of them make the move. It’s funny and just what Blair expected. They’re so easy.
She breaks the silence by getting up and grappling herunopened yogurt. “I have to go; I’m meeting my boyfriend for lunch.” Nelly Yuki almost chokes on her salad. So easy.
“You’re leaving?” Izz asks, eyes wide and worried. But what she means is: You’re leaving the met stairs?
This is something out of the ordinary for Blair, letting someone else sit on the top of the steps. It’s the perfect opportunity to show how serious she is about Daniel. She’d never do this for anyone else, not Nate. Maybe Serena.
Blair makes a show of smiling and nodding shyly, and Penelope snickers, something evil, “I didn’t know you associate yourself with scholarship students Blair, let alone date them.”
Well, there’s that thing. The thing that’s been sitting on the back of Blair's mind, like an itch. He’s a Brooklynite, a lowlife practically. But if tainting her reputation is something she has to do to get her place back as queen B, and well, Nate? Then it’s a risk she’s willing to take.
And besides, Daniel Humphrey is not the destination. He’s just a stop on the way. A fake stop at that. Nate Archibald is the destination.
She’d be Mother Theresa, in a sick sort of way. She’s helping him too. He’s got fucked up teeth and too short hair but he’s easy on the eyes. She can work with that.
“He’s hot.” She shrugs, then smiles wickedly at Nelly. “Don’t you agree Nelly Yuki?” At her lack of response, Blair smiles at the girls “he’s a great kisser too.”
That makes the girls sans Nelly erupt in giggles. “I suppose he is pretty handsome.” Kati says, and before Blair could respond, Nelly Yuki clears her throat. “How did you guys meet?”
And that’s her queue to leave. “I’d love to fill you all with the details, but my Daniel is waiting, I must go.”
When Blair turns to wave at them, all the girls are whispering to one and other, and Nelly Yuki is frowning at her hands, her salad bowl long forgotten. So so easy.
She walks into the library and wanders until she finds in him sitting on the floor on the Fiction section. Back pressed against the shelf and legs stretched, he’s reading Anne of Green Gables while munching on, what seems to be a peanut butter and jam sandwich. She wrinkles her nose.
Walking up to him, she taps his foot with hers. “You should stop eating lunch here. It’s unbecoming.” He peers up at her, still on the floor. Mid chew, he says “Hello to you too. You’re sorry for springing up on me like that earlier? Don’t you worry it’s all forgotten.”
She rolls her eyes and whispers harshly “keep your voice down Daniel.” He blinks at her, “There’s no one else here.” She sighs, that is true. “Exactly. You can't be Blair Waldorf’s boyfriend and spend lunch in the library.” She grabs him by the bicep to pull him to stand. “And we’re supposed to be dating, we’re going to have to kiss.”
He turns a light shade of pink at that, passing his book from one hand to another avoiding her eye. He’s handsome, she thinks.
“What?” she demands at his weird stance. “This is kind of my first...well it isn't real but, this is my first relationship.” He admits, and, oh. She’s kind of surprised at that. Sure, he isn't her type, but he’s not exactly bad looking.
“It’s going to be your last if you mess this up.” He huffs an annoyed breath and the bell rings. “Come over after school, we need to set up the game plan.”
He furrows his eyebrows, “the what?” But she’s already walking away from him, “4pm sharp.”
The rest of the school day, she spends her time avoiding stares, avoiding Nelly Yuki and avoiding questions about her and Daniel. It’s easy enough. When she finally reaches home, her mother isn't there, as usual.
She texts Daniel her address and he replies with a how’d you get my number??? And she replies with a hurry up.
She changes her clothes, eats an apple and finishes her history essay by the time he reaches.
She glares at him, “you’re an hour late.” He looks guilty and says, “I got lost.” She scoffs. “You’re a terrible liar, Daniel.” He’s still wearing his uniform but now it looks ten times worse than it did at school. He’s lost the blazer, and his tie is pulled down, first two buttons undone. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows.
“I had to explain where I was going to my dad, I haven’t left the house like this since. Ever.” she looks at him in alarm, “What did you tell him? Daniel, I swear to God if you--”
He quickly interrupts her, “I didn't tell him the truth.” he says and she breaths out in relief, he cringes a little, “he was just so happy- I couldn't.”
Blair stares at him. “I don't know if I should pity or appreciate you.”
He’s sitting on the floor of her bed staring up at her, and she’s on her bed. Her notebook is open and she writes neatly on it, B&D’s contract and he rolls his eyes, “is this really necessary?”
“The first step to a master plan is always organisation.” she says a matter of fact, and he just raises his eyebrows.
“First thing’s first, how did we meet?” Blair asks and answers herself, “the best lies are the ones closest to the truth. What is one thing we both have in common?”
He thinks for a moment, “Jenny.” he realises. “Yes, good job.” She says and writes it on her notebook.
She thinks for a moment, pen on her chin. “How about this? We met once when you came here to pick little J up. We talked, sparks flew, the rest is history.” She finishes happily quickly writing it down.
“That’s actually good. How often do you do this?” He asks impressed, and she looks away from her notebook, “fake date or lie?” she asks, “lie.” he answers.
“I think that’s best left unsaid Daniel.”
“Dan” he says, suddenly.
“What?”
“Dan. It’s what my friends call me.” She blinks at him “oh, ok.” Dan, she writes down and underlines it. She says it once, tasting it in her tongue.
They go on for two more hours, Dan’s spine hurts by the time the contract is done, so he just lays on her carpet staring at the ceiling.
Dorota barges in about twice, immediately taking a liking on him and offers him biscuits and tea which Blair declines on his behalf, ignoring his puppy dog eyes every time she does.
“Done!” she exclaims holding the paper up.
He groans, “finally.” Blair just scoffs handing the paper to him, “A simple thank you would suffice, you were of no help Dan.” He sits up crossing his legs to sit on the carpet now, eyes skimming over the paper.
B&D’s contract of dating:
1) They met through Jenny Humphrey.
2) Blair will call him ‘Dan’.
3) Dan asked Blair out first.
4) Dan will wear proper uniform. (pressed and tucked)
5) Dan will spend lunch with Blair, on the steps.
6) They will hold hands in school, kisses are compulsory.
7) They will break up 2 weeks after Nate and Nelly Yuki do.
8) Important: They will never under any circumstance tell anyone about the agreement!!!
Dan examines it, “woah, you’re very serious about this.” Blair nods. “How are you sure that Nelly and Nate are going to break up?” Blair looks at him like he’s dumb. “It’s inevitable.” She glances at him hesitating for a second, “Also, Nelly Yuki is totally in love with you.” Dan sits up pointing at himself, “me?” Blair nods again, “I know, I was surprised too. Apparently, your friendlessness and lack of popularity has captivated her.”
He pursues his lips together, “But I don’t like her.” He says and he’s so clueless. Blair almost pets his head.
“The goal isn't for you to date her. The goal is for them to break up.” It must be the wrong thing to say because Dan winces. “Isn’t that wrong? Like antagonist level wrong?” He’s so clueless.
She gets up from her bed to take the paper from him, “Not necessarily.” she says folding it neatly, putting it in her nightstand drawer. “Nelly Yuki is leading Nate on while she has the hots for you. Isn’t that worse?” She says and he still looks unconvinced.
She actually pets his head this time, and he turns lightly pink. She kind of wants to hold his cheek, feel the heat beneath her palms. “Don’t think too much about it, all you have to do is sit and look pretty. I’ll take care of the rest.”
He groans laying back on the carpet. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Blair waits impatiently outside as Dan takes an eternity to reach school.
He’s late. It’s been five minutes and she’s checked her watch every thirty seconds. Blair is just about to storm up to Brooklyn (which, ew) when she sees Dan walking up to her, and stomps her feet impatiently “what took you so long? Did you like, walk here?” Dan looks at her blankly “Yeah.”
She smiles awkwardly, sometimes it’s easy to forget he’s an outsider.
She’s just about to give him an earful when she sees Jenny Humphrey hurrying behind him.
She grabs his hand forcefully, quickly lacing her fingers through his to stand on her toes kissing him on the cheek. He looks confused, his eyebrows reaching all the way to his hairline when she subtly points to his sister.
Blair couldn't actually care less about impressing Jenny Humphrey. But it’s true that she’s the one person who knows both Dan and Blair well enough to not believe this. If they've got her fooled, the rest of the school is a piece of cake.
Jenny Humphrey’s squeal is heard all over New York.
“So, it’s true? You’re actually dating my brother?” Jenny runs up to them, smile so wide that Blair is afraid her face might split in half. Blair nods carefully, “Yes, I’ve taken a liking to him.” She squeals again and Dan flinches. Blair has to laugh at that.
“I thought the pictures in gossip girl were edited.” She said practically jumping on the balls of her feet. “Because there’s just no way- “
“Hey! I’m still here.” He says pouting a little and Blair giggles at that despite herself. Before she has the time to be embarrassed, Jenny calls someone on her phone squealing again. “Yes. I know. It’s true.” She says running into school. Dan just rolls his eyes, “She acts like I’m a frog and you’re the princess.”
She looks at him for a second observing him “Labrador would be more fitting” she says. He just looks at her squinting, titling his head. Yeah, Labrador definitely. “Let’s just go.” He says dragging her along with him.
Blair insists that they spend lunch together, it’s in the contract she reminds him. We’re in high school, he in turn reminds her. But in the end, they have it her way.
He sits uncomfortably next to Nelly Yuki who is a step below Blair (as the good lord intended). He has a palm placed, hot on her knee. She can feel it through her stockings just as much as she can feel Nelly Yuki’s eyes burning a hole there.
“So, Daniel,” Nelly Yuki starts, batting her eyelashes at him, “How’d did you two meet?” He’s nervous. She can tell. “Um well,” He glances at Blair quickly, and she nods urging him. He’s practiced this, he can do it.
He sits up straighter clearing his throat, “I went to the Waldorf’s mansion to pick Jenny up once. And when I saw Blair, I was…. smitten.” He finishes with a forced smile and Blair places a hand on his, above her knee. Nelly Yuki’s eyes follow the movement.
The girls coo and Pen rolls her eyes and Nelly Yuki almost snaps her spoon in two. It’s amazing.
After lunch, she’s taking her books out of her locker, when Nate slips near her. “Hey, Blair.”
She whips around suddenly. “Hi, Nathaniel. Did you just remember my existence?” She says not looking at him, going back to take her books. She hears Nate sigh woefully. It just makes her more annoyed. “I just wanted to say I'm sorry, for the way I acted after our. You know..”
He’s such a little shit, can’t even say the word break up.
Oh, and he’s sorry now. He wasn’t sorry when her parents were splitting up. He wasn’t sorry when she was struggling to even stay up, crying on her bathroom floor, struggling to keep her food in her. He’s sorry now.
“I- I heard from Nelly that,” He laughs a little uncomfortably, “You’re dating Daniel? Daniel Humphrey?”
Oh. Her ears perk up. It’s working. All her anger loses its form suddenly, the frown on her face replaced with a smirk. “Well, yes. I am.”
Nate shifts again, “I just didn’t think that guy was your type is all.” Blair turns facing him, a smile plastered on her face. She tries her best not to look condescending, “He’s pretty and smart.” She shrugs, “you were my type and you only filled half of that criteria.” He looks hurt. She feels satisfied.
“Blair. I know you’re just doing this to make me- “
“Hey babe!” She hears Dan say jogging up to them. It makes Nate shut up and take a step away from her. Dan smiles at her like he didn’t even see Nate, slipping a hand on her waist easily and kissing the top of her head.
A little more affectionate than they’d discussed but it’s fine she guesses. He’s just a beginner. When Nate clears his throat, Dan looks at him likes he’s only just noticing him.
“Oh, hey man, I didn’t see you there.” He says and Blair tries not to laugh.
“It’s fine. I had to get going anyway.” Nate says a tint of irritation in his voice, nodding at the two of them before retreating.
Dan’s hand drops from her waist smiling down at her proudly. “How did I do?” She looks at him patting his back. “You were great.” She smiles beaming at him. He takes the books from her hand and closes her locker walking her to class. “He was definitely jealous. Did you see his face?” Dan shakes his head, “Not really.” She tips her head back laughing.
It’s been two weeks since the whole thing started. It’s been going pretty well she’d say. Nate is still uncomfortable whenever Dan is near and Nelly still swoons when Dan is near.
It’s been going pretty well.
Now, Dan sits on her bed, squinting at the paper on his lap, chewing on the back of the pen, face scrunched up in concentration. Blair’s pretty sure she’s supposed to find that more disgusting than endearing.
He has this weird performance anxiety thing when it comes to tests, so she’s helping him.
(If you’re Blair Waldorf’s boyfriend you’ve got to be smart, she told him as he sat on her bathroom counter. She stood between his legs painting a face mask on him. Nate isn’t smart, he replied, tasting a bit of the mask from the bowl and scrunching his face in disgust, he makes up for it by being rich she’d replied, holding the back of his neck to keep him in place.)
“How’d I do?” He asks and she snatched the pen away from him before he swallows the whole thing full. “87%” she says quirking an eyebrow at him, and he falls on the bed, face first into a pillow, groaning.
“I’m fucked.” He says and she curls her fingers around his arms pulling him up to sit again, a slight heat rushing to her face. It’s pretty charming when he loses decorum.
“It’s better than last time, just try again.” And he huffs, eyes turning a bit crazy. “I don’t need to be better; I need to be the best.”
Blair gets it. And oh, does she get it. She feels it every damn day. It’s odd, but she thinks they’re so similar. Dan and her.
“Who’s your teacher?” she asks, and he blinks wearily at her. Blair wants to help him. It’s weird and horrid and totally out of her territory. But he’s one of them now, she supposes.
“Why?” he asks lazily staring at her. She checks her nails, they’re chipped, she’d have to get them redone this week. Maybe she can bring Dan along.
“Why work hard when you can work smart instead?” And he sniffs, the blank stare making an appearance once again. “you’ve got to stop with the code words Blair, I understand about none of them.” He mumbles and she flicks at the spot between his eyebrows, “blackmail, you idiot.” That piques his interest, eyes widening getting of the bed “oh, no- no no, no I don’t think that necessary. No.”
Blair looks up at him amused, “Your lack of sense is jaw dropping sometimes.” She says and he points his hand at her all jittery, “so is your lack of morality!” She rolls her eyes, some morality. It isn’t morality that brought her this far in life.
“Ok calm down I won’t.” she says taking his bad and pulling him back to the bed handing him a new pen and paper, “start again I’ll time you.”
(He gets a 97% and she gets 99%. They celebrate with champagne and Audrey Hepburn.)
The world has been just cruel to her, for years. But this takes the cake. Blair Waldorf is in Brooklyn. It’s awful it’s terrible it’s appalling.
It’s not half as bad.
Blair had heard from Dorota that her mother finally came home. She gets the message when Dan is walking her to English and almost rips his hand out. We can’t- I can’t. I don’t want to see her. She says and he looks like he’s going to make a joke, but then releases his hand from her grip carefully why don’t you just come over to mine?
So, it happens. Blair Waldorf in Brooklyn. It’ll go down in history for sure.
And besides, this was supposed to be normal. Couples go to each other’s houses all the time. But Blair had never been to his. So, they’ll change it tonight. She comes over straight from school, walking home with him. The path isn’t long, but they walk slow, discussing what they’d tell Rufus. Making sure they get mentioned in gossip girl.
Dan didn’t want to drag his father into this mess. Understandable, but impossible. The moment he’d said yes to this, signed the contract, let her kiss him near the locker, for gossip girl to see, for everyone to see, he’d already dragged everyone in. There was no backing off now.
This wasn’t important to the plan, Blair knows. Rufus getting suspicious wouldn’t affect them, at all. He’s not going to send a tip to gossip girl or spread rumours or sabotage them. He’s not a threat.
But Dan had been fidgeting and sighing and sighing, and Blair felt pity. She supposed she could do this for him, just as he’d done this for her. Bringing her into his house, because she was not ready to look at her mother.
She’d do this for him.
They finally reached the Humphrey loft, and when she’d turn to look at Dan, she couldn’t help but stifle a laugh, to which he glared at. She could almost feel the nervousness radiating from his skin to hers, but she’d not let it get to her, holding his hand to get rid of his nervous energy instead.
His eyes widen, then he closes it. Squeezes her hand once.
“Let’s do this.”
“So, you must be the famous Blair Waldorf.” He asks, brown gentle eyes boring into hers.
She shifts in her chair, had Dan mentioned her often? Surely not. She glances at him and he pretends not to see, picking at his peas with a fork instead. That’s curious, Blair wasn’t aware that-
“Jenny talks about you all the time.” He says to which Jenny responds with a not so hushed “Dad!” to which Rufus laughs well mannered.
Oh. Right, little J. She forgot. She exhales through her nose, mildly disappointed.
“Yes,” she replies, glancing at Dan again. And she can tell, how much this means to him, how much his dad means to him. And she understands that feeling, so she swallows thickly, a sickly-sweet smile on her face as she turns to Rufus. “You do have wonderful children Mr. Humphrey. And the food is delicious.”
Rufus brightens at that, sitting up straighter in his chair. “Thankyou Blair. And please, call me Rufus.”
When she glances at Dan this time, he’s already looking, a pretty smile on his face and a sweet glint in his eye. She feels proud of herself and mentally pats herself on the shoulder.
Rufus continues to ask questions, not nosey or interrogative, but genuinely interested. It’s a sick punch in her stomach, filling her throat with envy.
She glances at her phone, seeing no calls from her mother. She wonders if she’d even cared that Blair wasn’t home.
Maybe she stares at her phone too long, maybe the frustration is clear on her face, but Dan reaches out engulfing her hand with hers. When she looks around Rufus and Jenny are involved in their own conversation and when she looks at Dan, he has a small smile on his face, eyes worried. You ok? He mouths and she just nods, tongue too heavy on her mouth. It’s nice to be seen.
His hand never leaves hers for the rest of dinner, she could get used to this.
After dinner, Dan is assigned to cleaning the dishes. Blair had never, ever done that in her life, but she’s going to play the part of a good girlfriend, helping her boyfriend out. So what if she wants to stick by Dan’s side for a little longer? Sue her.
She stands next to him by the sink and he hands her a towel. They just stay like that for a while, him rinsing the dishes, and her drying them.
He bumps his shoulder against hers, “Thank you for putting up with my dad.”
She looks at him, “Don't thank me.” She bumps her shoulders back. “I enjoyed today.” She whispers like it’s a secret. She supposes it is.
He smiles softly at that, but keeps his eyes trained on the plate he’s cleaning. When he passes it to her, her fingertips graze on his, and she thinks she sees him swallow. Then it’s silence again, only the sound of water flowing out of the tap, Dan’s scrubbing and Blair’s heartbeat that she hears.
It’s thanksgiving and her father doesn’t show up. She blames herself, really. She should’ve expected this. She feels horrible and awful. She’s on the floor of her bathroom crying. She just wants warmth. But she’s afraid her feet are too deep into the pool. She’s too cold to melt.
She remembers the Humphrey family dinner. She calls Dan. He picks up, starts ranting something about his mom ruining thanksgiving. She doesn’t talk, just listens to his voice for a while, closes her eyes and imagines he was here. Oh, how she wishes he were here.
When he finishes talking, she’s half asleep on the bathroom floor. “Blair?” He asks and she wakes up wiping the drool from her chin, and hums in question.
“You ok?” He asks and she looks at herself in the mirror, I would be if you were here, she thinks.
“I am.” She says. He still shows up at her door. She melts into his arms.
Maybe there’s hope still.
She calls Harold. It’s Dan’s idea. He says something about closure and hope and Blair only picks up her phone and dials her father up to shut Dan up. At the end of the talk, she feels stupid and stupid and stupid.
Her mother caused this big mess. Shocker. Blair gets it, really. She so desperately wishes to be her father. But she’s not. Like mother like daughter. She gets her mother. She’s cursed.
Eleanor is not entirely at fault. As much as she knows her mother, her father knows her. He could’ve called, talked to Blair. Her mother had called Harold and told him that Blair didn’t want to see him, it’s a lousy lie, he should’ve known better. Even if he didn’t, he could’ve come to her anyways. Fought for her. Fought with her. He could’ve, he should’ve. He didn’t. She gets her father. She’s cursed.
Dan stays.
He stays by her side when she calls her dad, and stays by her side awkwardly when she confronts her mother, (I have to do this by myself, she says and catches him sighing in relief, I'm here for you but Eleanor scares the shit out of me, he said.) he spends thanksgiving with her. I had to get away from my own family drama anyway he says, mouth full of pie, you’re my best friend he says.
But then when she kisses him as he’s about to leave, he kisses her back slow and languid. Her hand on his chest and his on the back of her neck.
When they both go back to school, she pretends that it never happened, that he didn’t see her face of running mascara and swollen eyes and empty stomach. He pretends too, like she didn’t cry in his arms for her father, for someone who cares.
But maybe there’s hope still.
She sits in Dan Humphrey’s bed and tells Dorota that she’d be home late. He’s scribbling on his note something fierce, something he never lets Blair read.
She stares at his long fingers, red around the knuckles. Ink dotting his skin, holding the pen. Suddenly the room feels too hot. “You don’t touch me enough.” She mumbles mind lost somewhere between his knuckles and his wrist. He snaps his neck looking at her, “what?”
“In public,” she says quickly shifting on the mattress. “you’re too careful.” She says and he looks at her like she grew another head. “You’re going to get us caught.” She says like it’s obvious.
They hadn't talked about thanksgiving yet. But it’s been playing in her head. On loop. Her hand on his chest and his on the back of her neck.
He shifts then too, facing her, face embarrassed. He doesn’t say anything so she says everything, rambling strings of words, a habit she got from him. “Couples are supposed to kiss, Dan. You’re supposed to want me.” Then her face flushes, realising what she said and scrambles for her next sentence. “Penelope has probably started having her doubts. Spreading rumours.”
But Penelope hasn’t. In fact, she is the one who believes this thing the most. Equal amounts of jealousy and sympathy about Blair’s downgrade as she’d called it. So, Blair has no idea why she’s saying all this.
Well.
She does have some idea.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He says and she rolls her eyes. “I’m not going get uncomfortable” she says annoyed a bit. Any other guy in his position wouldn’t care. They’d touch her every chance they’d get. They wouldn’t care.
Sensing her fury, he places a gentle arm on her he says “Hey, I'm sorry I’ll do better.” It’s so gentle that it just makes her madder. He isn’t supposed to be this way. Treat her this way. She wasn’t supposed to be treated this way. Gentle.
She moves near him, when she’s close enough, she taps his hand. “Kiss me.” His eyes nearly pop out. “What?” he asks, voice cracking, and she’s too annoyed and hot that she can’t even make fun of him for it.
“For practise,” she shrugs, God, what is she even doing, “you never kissed me, what if you mess up when you have to?” It’s a stupid argument she knows but, she’s just so pissed at him.
“I have kissed you,” he says the tip of his ears turning red. She glares at him, why’s he being so difficult, “No, I kissed you. You just followed my lead.”
He just stares at his hand for a moment, and she’s about to regret ever opening her mouth when he sighs determined. “Ok.” oh. Ok then.
She shifts, knees tucking behind her thighs, sitting on them. He moves closer to her, the bed creaking a bit under his weight, until his knees are touching hers. Then he kneels, so that he’s properly towering over her, and she looks up at him. He licks his lip, tongue gliding over his bottom lip, has it always been that red? His lips?
He holds her face between his hands and his palms are so big that they cover the whole sides of her face. Then he tilts her head back, then kisses her. Really kisses her. His hands tangled in her hair and his tongue hot in her mouth.
She lets out a sound halfway between a whine and a gasp and he swallows it, one hand moving to her waist pushing her back back back till her back hits the mattress. He follows suit hovering over her, both hands on the side of her head steadying himself, lips never leaving hers
No one’s ever kissed her like this before. Not Nate, not Serena. Like she’s someone wanted. Like she’s someone important.
She’s pulling at his tie to bring him impossibly closer, the other hand grabbing his shirt like she’d fall into the mattress if she’d let go. She pulls him in, in and in. So close that every part of her is touching him. His nose squished against her cheek, his chest hard against hers.
They’re so close, so connected, that Blair doesn’t know where her body starts and where his ends. But it’s not close enough, she tangles her hand in his hair and pulls. The other one still grabbing his tie. He groans and she feels it more than she hears it. His left hand moves lower, to her neck, sliding his thumb against her collarbone. She wraps her fingers around his wrist, wanting to move it even lower when someone knocks.
And then he’s off her, jumping at the sound, yelling back “Yes, Dad?” and his voice is so wrecked. It makes her palms sweat. “Dinner.” Rufus answers.
When she looks at Dan, his pupils are blown wide, lips raw and red and his uniform all rumpled up.
Dinner is only a little bit awkward. Jenny is staring at her the whole time and Dan isn’t looking at her at all. Rufus calls her sweetie and asks about her day. Dan and Jenny fight throwing peas at each other, and it makes Blair’s heart swell with something like fondness and a bit of envy.
She’d gotten used to family dinners with Dan. And her heart sinks a bit when she realises, she’d have to get used to not having them, when they break up.
(That night she dreams that she’s princess Anne and that he is Joe Bradley.
I don’t know how to say goodbye, she says I can’t think of any words.
don’t try Dan replies, then they kiss.
Blair feels him on her lips, even after she wakes up.)
Blair is practical. She doesn’t mix business with friendship. She doesn’t. Dan isn’t her friend. He’s something like comfort. She’s pretty sure that’s worse.
Blair Waldorf isn’t someone who should have comfort. She’s supposed to hurt and get hurt in return. Her headbands give her a headache and her heels hurt her feet. It’s just the way she was made.
Dan is different. He’s good. He’s nice. He’s something Blair has never known. He laughs like a kid, he apologises with no care of dignity, he holds Blair’s hand when they cross the street. He smells like wood and tastes like honey.
He’s comfort. Blair hates him as much as she adores him. You’re my best friend he’d said. He believes that Blair is something better than she is. He’s also petty and judgmental and fidgety, he’s kind of perfect.
Serena would’ve loved him. Blair isn’t Serena. Dan isn’t Nate. She needs to get it together.
She still kisses him, for practice of course. Practise makes perfect and this has to be perfect. And besides, can’t a girl have a little fun? He’s a good kisser, and his claims of never having been in a relationship, seem unbelievable to Blair. Not that she’d ever admit that to him. He’s a lot of things but inexperienced is not one of them.
So, she kisses him. Sometimes he kisses her. Her back pressed against the locker while she feels Nate’s eyes on hers. In the met steps as Nelly Yuki huffs and huffs. Sometimes, in her kitchen when Dorota isn’t looking. Sometimes on his couch as they’re watching a movie alone.
(Always in her dreams. Never on her bed. Never where it actually matters.)
It’s practice. It has to be perfect.
“Why Nate?” He mumbles against her neck, leaving featherlight kisses down her collarbone. She sighs and threads her fingers through his hair. Definitely not inexperienced.
She can hear the faint noise of the television but it’s kind of blocked by the ringing in her ears and, well, him.
She doesn’t know when it started happening. They use the lame excuse of ‘practice’ so often now. It's not like anyone to expect a full blown make out from them. Well, maybe Chuck Bass would enjoy that, but Blair would rather die than ever have him in her line of sight.
(I punched Chuck Bass once, Dan had started one day, head on her lap. She was reading a magazine; he was falling asleep. She didn’t know when it started happening. ‘cuz of Jenny. He’d tried to- he stopped, unable to continue. She placed two fingers on his cheek, feather light. I’m sorry she said He’s nothing she said.)
(You’re everything she wanted to say.)
She doesn’t answer, too occupied with her fingers in his hair and his lips on her neck. She gasps as he bites at her skin gently on her lack of response. He’s going to leave a mark. And she’s going to have to cover it up. But maybe she doesn’t have to, the world’s supposed to see right? His mark on her. Nate is supposed to see. That’d been the whole point of this. He asks the question again and she only half registers it.
She doesn’t know, really. Nate is safe, Nate is expected. Nate is Nate. Is there a better reason? She smiles at him curt, tight and a little bit guilty, “Why not Nate?” she asks, she means it to be teasing but it comes out pleading, just how she feels.
She realises, she wants him to plead back. She wants him to ask why not me? As soon as the realisation hits the surface, her heart drops, and hits the ground.
When she looks at him, she knows that he would. He would beg and plead and say words like please and stay. So, she pushes him off, and heads for the door. She knows he won’t follow her.
It’s something dangerous Blair is doing here, with him. She knows it and he know it too. He hates the upper east side, hates everything she stands for, and yet.
Blair Waldorf isn’t born to be loved. To have something real and true. Blair isn’t born for happiness. She’s born to be played with, have her heart strings tugged on like it’s a damn puppet show. She’s born to smile and never have a hint of joy in it. She’s born to make a scene wherever she goes. The same way Nate is born to be controlled, and the same way Serena is born to leave.
And Dan? She thinks that Dan is born for something good. Born to smile and born to judge. She thinks he’s born for Blair. Just for Blair.
Blair always wanted a fantasy for a life. She deems herself practical and proper but she still waits for her prince every day. Nate is the closest thing to one. She guesses that’s why it’s Nate.
When she turns back to look at him before closing the loft door, he says, “good night, Blair.” She doesn’t say it back.
“I can’t believe you made me come here.”
She rolls her eyes. He’s so dramatic. Besides, if anything, he should be grateful. Not everyone can come to cotillion. She’s blessed him and he’s being ungrateful.
“Just calm down.” She says guiding him through the ballroom. She can spot Nelly Yuki and Nate from the corner of her eye. She can’t let him mess this up.
The music starts and he stands in front of her, looking like he’s about to throw up. It’s weird how she doesn’t even feel mad. “Dan,” she whispers, putting her left hand on his shoulder and the other one holding his hand. “Just follow my lead, ok?” She says quietly.
He smiles softly at that, a crooked grin blooming, “As always?” he asks and she smiles back “As always.”
He nods and places a hand on her waist and it’s like she feels it through her dress. They sway and sway. She rubs his shoulders trying to ease the tension from them.
“Why are you so freaked out anyway?” She asks, trying to distract him from thinking too hard about it. He dances a little easier when he’s calm, or drunk.
(She was only half as drunk as he was when they were dancing in his living room two nights ago, abandoned wine glasses on the table and a soft hum playing from Dan’s phone.
“I don’t want this to end Blair”. He’d slurred, hands on her waist and head buried in her shoulder. They were more hugging and swaying than dancing. She’d tightened her hands on his shoulder, hoping it was a good enough response. She hoped he’d understood what it meant. Me neither.)
“I just don’t want to fuck this up.” He says, jaw tense and eyes piercing into hers. She softens at that, bringing him a bit closer.
“You’re not going to fuck this up.” She says and feels earnest saying it. “You haven’t stepped on any of my toes yet.” She says jokingly. He smiles a bit at that.
The music takes a pause and they take a step away from each other. She bows and Nate takes his place.
She’d been dreaming of cotillion, counting down the days to it since she could remember. She’d planned everything. The perfect hair, the perfect dress, the perfect guy. Somehow, now, this feels far from perfect.
Nate’s a great dancer. He’s been trained for it, ever since Blair’s known him. He’s been trained for everything. He doesn’t stumble or mess up like Dan does. He’s elegant and poised, and Blair kind of wants to pull her own hair out.
She sees Dan and Nelly dancing in the corner of her eye. He looks stiff and awkward until Nelly Yuki says something, then he’s laughing. Blair steps on Nate’s foot, distracted.
“Ow, you ok?” He asks, and actually sounds concerned too. Blair just feels so out of place, as she always does. But this time, she can’t quite push it down for disappearing.
Blair clears her throat and gives him a tight smile. “Yeah.” Nate doesn’t look convinced, “You can tell me, we’re friends.” She tears her eyes away from Nelly Yuki, finally meeting Nate’s eyes.
She feels angry, and just- He can’t just be there for her when he wants to be, and disappear when she actually needs him.
Nelly Yuki laughs way too loudly at something Dan says and, c'mon he’s not that funny. There are a million things she wants to say and do. She lies instead, “I’m fine Nate.”
The music stops and Blair feels wronged, about so many things.
She sits by the open bar, drinking some champagne. She feels jittery and hot to touch, most of all she feels tired. She’s Blair Waldorf for god’s sake, why would she ever feel tired?
He finds her, as she expected, sliding on the chair beside her, leaning close enough to whisper, “Hey. Come here often?” She turns to him, about to say something unnecessarily mean, just because she feels like it.
But he looks good, he’s wearing the expensive shirt she bought for him, a cheap vest lies on top of it. But he makes it work. Whatever comment she was about to say dies on her tongue.
He looks good.
He opens his mouth to say something else but then-
“Blair, I'd like to have a word with you.” Eleanor says and well, what’s a party if she isn’t close to tears by the end of it.
They go to a corner of the room; a song starts again and Blair wants to go back to Dan.
“Who in lord’s name are you with?” she demands. And Blair feels the meanness coming back to her. “Dan. Dan Humphrey.” She says confidently, standing up straighter. She’s been holding on for so long, her mother isn’t going to be the one that ruins this night for her.
In response, Eleanor laughs and it sounds meaner than anything Blair could’ve come up with. “Humphrey? As in Rufus Humphrey’s son?” She asks a pitying smile on her face. She feels awful, her mother always did that to her.
“Yes. But mother- “
“I knew you were spiralling ever since Nathaniel broke up with you dear. But this,” She points at Dan, “this is just... sad.”
Blair doesn’t even find it in herself to feel angry, or…anything really. She feels tired, tired and just so worn out, about everything and nothing all at once. But she refuses to break in front of her mother.
Laughing, a bit crazily, she looks at her mother shaking her head, “You know what is sad mother? The fact that it’s so hard for you to see me happy!” She realises she’s yelling, probably making a scene. But it’s what she’s made for isn’t she?
Her mother looks around, at the turned faces looking at them, “Blair-” She tries in a fake calm tone that Blair knows all too well. But she can’t do this anymore. She just can’t. She won’t.
She hears whispers erupting all around her, a camera flash goes off somewhere. Somewhere in the crowd she catches Nate’s eye and finally understands.
She’s always given him so much shit, for not wanting the spotlight, the money, the fame. He never seemed to even like any of it. Wanting to break free. She always thought he was too dumb, too ungrateful. She supposes he is; she knows she is too. But she understands him.
She swallows when she feels Dan’s presence by her. Not pulling her away, not prodding her further. But just being there, hand on her shoulder, light and comforting.
She feels tears pool up, but refuses to let them spill. “But I am. I’m happy.” She says but it just sounds defensive. Her mother laughs, bitterly, like she’s a little child “You never fail to disappoint me Blair: That, is what’s sad.”
She would always be a child, in front of her mother. It seems. She bites the inside of her cheek and nods, before storming out. She hears Dan calling out to her. But she can’t face him now, she runs and runs. Admittedly, it’s hard wearing the gown. For a minute she pretends that she’s a princess, running out her castle to her prince. But she’s not.
Blair’s always been so good at pretending. Too good. But she’s tired of it.
When she’s outside, away from the building, the cold air hits her like a ton of bricks. She shivers, leaning on the wall, she could care less about the germs right now. She just wants to breathe.
Shes heaving when she hears slow footsteps approaching, “I don’t want to talk right now Dan.” She calls out, eyes closed, leaning her head on the wall.
“What about me?” The voice calls back.
“Nate?”
He smiles at her the same way he’s been smiling at her since she was ten. Blue eyes peeking out through his man-bangs as Dan calls it. Blair would’ve just swooned at him once upon a time. Now however, all she feels is fondness, with a pinch of nostalgia.
It then dawns on her, she’s been too busy being mad at him for not being there for her that she failed to realise, that she’s never really been there for him either.
In the moonlight, he looks softer, younger. She aches for the kid who felt like she did tonight, for all his life. Wordlessly, she leans her head on his shoulders, as he stands next to her back against the brick wall, looking at the sky.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” She says, and when he turns, enveloping her in his arms, she finally lets the tears spill out.
She’s missed him truly. “I’ve been a bad friend to you Blair.” He mumbles after she’s done, and it’s true, but. “I’ve been a worse one to you”, she hiccups.
“You’re here now”, he says arms still around her. And she is. She is.
Nate walks Blair home. But she walks into her house alone, in her big poofy dress, the last thing she feels like is a princess.
Her mother isn’t home, not surprised but she’s a little relieved. A little disappointed too. She doesn’t turn on the lights, Dorota isn’t home either, taking her vacation a bit early, planning for her wedding.
When Blair sits on her bed, in the dark, she doesn’t cry. Maybe she should. Instead, she gets out of there, still in her cotillion gown and gets a cab to Brooklyn.
Ok, maybe she underestimated the cold, and the uncomfortableness of her dress. It’s poking her everywhere and she’s used to this but, now- now she’s mad and pissed off and she’s been knocking for two minutes! Where the fuck is he.
The door finally opens and she lets her mouth run, pushing past him and stepping into his loft. “Damn it Dan, my knuckles are all red and they hurt, what took you so long? I swear to god. Do you have any idea how awful wearing this thing feels?”
She turns around at his silence, glancing at him. He looks.. mad.
“You ok?”
He shuts the door and walks up to the kitchen laughing bitterly at her. “Oh just fine.” He rubs his palm on his face roughly, “I suppose it’s done then?”
She blinks at him, definitely not appreciating his tone, “what?”
He looks straight at her, jaw set tight. “This,” he says flaying his hand between them, “us.”
“What” she asks again, because apparently that’s the only word she knows. He opens the fridge, taking a yogurt container and walks towards her, placing it on her palm. When her fingers brush on his, he takes his hand away as though he’s been burned, taking a few steps back.
She tries not to let the hurt show. He notices still.
“Sorry,” he says not meeting her eyes, “I saw you and Nate.”
She freezes, then catches his eye, “you followed me out, in cotillion?”
He furrows his eyebrows, looking at his shoes and she looks at the yogurt in her hand, heart punching her chest, “of course I did.” He says dumbly.
She has so many thoughts racing in her head to get out through her tongue, all she actually does is cough. “I suppose you’re back together with him.” He says.
“What?” she asks cringing immediately.
“You and Nate. You- that was the whole point of this, yeah?”
Oh. Oh. He’d thought that she’d come here to break up with him. Well, fake break up. He’d seen her with Nate. He’d followed her out. He gave her yogurt.
“What’s the point of this?” she asks, bringing up the yogurt to his eye level. He clears his throat ducking his head, having an embarrassed look going on. “I figured you’d be hungry.” He shrugs, “you didn’t eat much today.”
She can’t help the way lips tug upwards at that. Maybe she’s going a bit off the rails. A bit (a lot) off plan. But. But she can’t help it. She can’t help a lot of things; she also can’t help but want him just a little bit.
Because he’s so so sweet to her. More than anyone’s dared to be. He’s a good person, a good brother and he’s Dan. He’s Dan and she’s Blair and maybe that’s enough.
Blair isn’t made to be loved, but she definitely is made to love.
Her heart picks up its pace and she stands up quick and looks at her hands fiddling. Then she drops her hands to her sides because Blair Waldorf doesn’t get nervous. And, oh god she’s nervous. He’s Dan and she’s Blair, he’s from Brooklyn and she hates Brooklyn and he’s supposed to hate her, but he doesn’t.
She’s in Brooklyn and she doesn't care if Gossip girl sees and he’s making her nervous. What has he done to her. “Is that why you were mad?” she says warily, then looks at him, only to find him already staring, with that look on his face again. “Because you saw me with Nate?”
His answer is silence. She should go, before she does something stupid. So, she places the yogurt on the table by the couch and turns to take her leave. But then he grabs her wrist and it’s so gentle that she almost laughs. “Blair. I- “ He starts, but then cuts himself off. “Wait here.” He says quickly retreating to his room.
She’s a bundle of nerves by the time he comes back, which is stupid. So, she talks trying not to sound anxious. “Where is Rufus?” She knew little J won't be home today. She and Eric have started to hang out more lately. Blair is glad, she thinks Eric needs that in his life.
“He’s out to meet mom. Won’t be back till tomorrow” says Dan’s voice from his room.
When he emerges to the living room again, he has a bundle of folded clothes in his hand. He hands them to her. “Here.” he says, then clears his throat at her confused stare. “I'm sure that thing isn't the most comfortable to wear right now.”
Blair pinches the inside of her wrist and goes into his room changing into his clothes. They're soft and warm on her skin. Just like him. Sometimes, she forgets how sweet Dan can be.
She folds her gown and places it on his bed. His t-shirt is too long on her, and his sweatpants too big. She rolls them on the waist to keep them from falling down. Before leaving his room, she stops and lifts his shirt to her face. It smells like him. It makes her face heat up.
He’s sitting on the couch waiting for her, head tipped back on the couch and eyes closed. She’d think that he was asleep if it weren't for the soft thrumming of his fingertips against his thigh. She takes that moment to really look at him. He’s still wearing the shirt she’s got him. But his tie hangs loose on his neck and his sleeves are all rolled up. He looks handsome.
When she sits beside him on the couch, he opens his eyes and turns so that he’s facing her. “Blair, I need to get this out before we end it.”
She tries to suppress a smile, but that only makes him more agitated. “Dan-”
“No, just listen.” So, she does. Partly because she’s scared that if she opens her mouth, her heart might jump out of her throat, and fall on his lap.
He clears his throat and looks down on his lap, looks up for a second only to look back down again. “I know it’s not my right to get mad. And this whole thing was supposed to fake. And it was.”
The tips of his ears grow pinker with each passing word, just as her heartbeat grows faster.
“But now- now it’s not fake Blair. Not to me. Not anymore.” A beat. “I’m in love with you.” He looks at her, his voice soft as his eyes, “You know I am.”
Her ears are ringing and he’s flushed and in love with her.
She places a hand on his knee because it’d been bouncing ever since she sat down next to him. But as soon as the pads for her fingers touch the fabric of his pants, he jumps up and starts pacing. “No- It’s fine, you don’t have to let me down easy but-”
“Dan-”
“No Blair. I know. You love Nate and-”
“Dan.”
He talks as if he didn't hear her. “And that’s the whole reason we started this and-” He closes his eyes and stops pacing and, “I started this for Jenny. I did. At first. But now I’ve been doing it for myself-”
She gets up and walks to him and holds his face between her palms. “Dan.” she says softly, and he doesn't open his eyes. Just leans into her touch, swallows hard and continues quietly.
“I know I’ve been selfish but all I think about is you and all I write about is you and-” And she can’t take it anymore so she kisses him. It’s soft and over as quick as it started but it shuts him up. He finally opens his eyes and it’s glazed and tired. He lets his head fall to her shoulder, and sniffs.
“Was that it? A goodbye kiss?”
He’s so stupid, but “I love you.”
He freezes under her arms. His chest is pressed against hers and she can feel his heartbeat stutter. He stands up straight and looks into her eyes, pleading. “You do?” he asks voice cracking. And she laughs, watery. “I do.”
“You love me.” He says lips tugging up and she feels sweet all over and nods. “I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re stupid but I do. I-”
He shuts her up this time. Kisses her with one hand on her cheek and the other taking her palm to his chest. He kisses her sweet and slow and lazy. She smiles into it and wraps her free hand around his neck to bring him in closer.
In the end, there’s Blair and Dan.