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Chapter Text

Remus Lupin was a loved boy. He grew up on his parents farm in Wales, surrounded by books, trinkets, bugs, and dirt. He played in the mud and was taken to the seashore, played with the crabs and made friends with the worms. His parents held him and read him stories, taught him, nurtured him. He was bright, grasping things that other children his age couldn’t. He was a perfect little boy. Until the 17th of January, 1965.

When Remus was four years old his parents tucked him into bed and kissed him goodnight. There was no way to know that a wolf was waiting for him outside of his bedroom window. That a werewolf would crawl through the window and sink his teeth into his tiny hip. He screamed for his mother and father. While Lyall cursed the wolf away, Hope ran to her convulsing child. The poison sunk into his veins as he screamed and vomited in the moonlight of his bedroom. Lyall healed the wound himself, not wanting it to be in the media that he had a werewolf child. He did the best he could, whispering desperate apologies to his son’s tiny, almost lifeless frame. Lyall blamed himself for what happened to Remus for the rest of his life, and spent the rest of his life trying to find a cure. 

By Remus’ eleventh birthday, the 10th of March, 1971, almost 80 full moons had passed since that fateful night. He sat at his kitchen counter while his mum made his birthday breakfast: three fluffy waffles topped with strawberries and powdered sugar, NO syrup. 

“Here you are, Remy!”

“Muuuum don’t call me Remy,” he groaned, rubbing his temples. 

“I forgot. You’re all big and eleven now.”

“I’ve gotta head out, Rem. Love you,” Lyall said, as he strolled into the kitchen and planted a kiss on his son’s forehead, and then walked to his wife to do the same. “You have the best birthday ever, alright son?” He ruffled Remus’ hair, picked a waffle up off of his plate and then headed for the door with a brief salute of good luck to his wife and a knowing glance towards Remus, whose mood was sour. Hope rolled her eyes playfully and rushed him out the door. Remus’ eyes wandered to an envelope on the table, pausing, lingering there for a moment, wistful, then disappointed. He looked back down, sighing softly as he returned to tearing apart his waffle with his fork and separating it into piles. She watched as he pushed the waffle fragments back into the center, and then rearranged them in a different way. 

“Do you feel alright, Rem?” Hope asked, noticing her son’s avoidance of actually eating the waffles. The full was on the 12th. 

Remus just shrugged. Hope walked to him and hugged him tightly.

“I’m sorry, Remus. I love you so much. So much more than you know, okay, honey?” She sighed sadly, her young face wrinkled prematurely. “Just a few more bites, Re,” she pleaded. Noticing him not responding or making eye contact, she added quietly, “For me?” Remus looked up at her with his tired eyes, eyes far too exhausted for any eleven-year-old’s to be. His eye bags were dark and heavy on his small face, his lids drooping with pure exhaustion.  “I love you, too, mum,” he said it in more of a whisper than he intended, as he shakily picked up his fork to eat another bite. She watched him eat for a minute, but seeing the waves of nausea on his face broke her heart so she took his plate and started cleaning up as she ate the waffles pieces herself. She turned and wiped her eyes quickly, sniffling. 

“I’m sorry, mum,” Remus whispered, looking down and wincing at the sound of the mixing bowl hitting the sink, the clink of metal against porcelain echoing in his ears. 

“Oh, cariad . There’s no reason for you to be sorry,” she sniffled. She examined his posture and frowned slightly at the obvious pain he was in but trying to hide. “Why don’t you go and lie down for a little bit, hon?” she suggested softly. 

Remus didn’t say anything, he just got up and trudged up the stairs to his loft bedroom, barely making it to his bed before he passed out. His feverish body shivered against the cold sheets, his limbs sprawled out and his hands gripping the comforter, clinging to the little comfort he had left. 

Remus had been told by his father about Hogwarts, a school where Wizards and Witches like he and his dad would go. Except Remus knew that he couldn’t because of his condition, and though he was disappointed, he understood. Remus’ biggest fear was hurting someone. Despite this knowledge, he couldn’t help but dream of Hogwarts, a magical school where he could meet kids his age and maybe even make friends with them. But his dreams are always interrupted in the same nightmarish way: His secret out, hurting someone while transformed, expulsion, azkaban, and, ultimately, death. It is always in the space between Azkaban and death that he awakens.

Remus’ eyes fluttered open and he layed in his bed for a moment, steadying his breathing and adjusting to reality after his nightmare. He assessed all of the pains in his body, listing them in his mind. His head was pounding, joints aching, muscles cramping, eyes sensitive, and stomach churning. His typical pre-moon symptoms. He stretched out his long limbs, joints cracking loudly, and hobbled out of bed, immediately noticing that his left hip was the worst of the pains. He limped over to his window and looked at the setting sun. Of course, he thought, Of course I sleep through my whole birthday. Yay eleven, the year I don’t get my Hogwarts letter and miss the whole day because of the moon. Fuck the moon.

He held on tightly to the stair rail and made his way downstairs, each step aggravating the pain of his hip. He clenched his jaw and continued. 

“Mum?” His eyes darted around the house as his voice echoed across the empty home. He felt a swell of panic arise in his chest.
“Mum?!” He half-shouted frantically. His eyes caught a neon pink sticky note on the fridge and he half-limped-half-ran over to it, releasing his breath as he read it. 

Good morning (or rather, afternoon), sleepy eleven-year-old boy!

Dad should be home soon, I’m running to pick up dinner (hint: It’s your favorite!)

Lots of love, 

Mum XX

Remus sighed with relief and ventured into the living room, not wanting to face the daunting stairs again. He laid down, belly on the floor of the soft red and beige plaid carpet, near the crackling fireplace, swinging his feet behind him as he shuffled TV channels aimlessly. The smell of the smoke delicately mixed with the oak logs that burnt in the fireplace. He inhaled deeply and smiled. Remus enjoyed assessing scents, one of the only perks of his condition was his super sense of smell. There was a knock on the door, and not thinking about the unfamiliar aroma of the person outside he hopped up to open it, expecting his father.

“Hey Dad! I’m so-” Remus looked up at the man. He was quite old with white hair and a medium length matching beard. He smelled of magic. Strong magic. Almost nauseating magic. Remus involuntarily scrunched his nose.

“Hello, Remus, I’m Albus Dumbledore. Happy eleventh birthday! Have you ever played gobstones?”

Remus gaped at the man and slowly shook his head, brows knitted with confusion.

“Well I guess I’ll have to teach you!”  

“I er- I dunno- er, sir. My parents aren’t home, it's just me, I- shouldn’t I… I dunno,” Remus rubbed his head awkwardly and shifted his weight from foot to foot, hoping the unsaid was understood. Dumbledore just walked past him and made himself comfortable on the floor by the fire, leaving Remus standing with his hand still on the doorknob and an expression of pure shock.
“Come, sit, Remus. I’ll teach you how to play.”

Remus didn’t know why he was so compelled to trust this man, to follow his commands, but he did. Almost mindlessly, as if he must. He walked towards the living room and gingerly made his way to the ground and sat criss-crossed opposite of the man. The old man’s vibrant blue eyes traced Remus’s movements, as if examining him. Remus shuffled uncomfortably and looked around the room, avoiding eye contact. The man then materialized an old playing board and laid out the pieces. 

“Remus, I am headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I trust you have heard of it?”

“Yes, sir. But I can’t–”
“Wonderful! Now if you’ll shoot your gobstone and- ah! I lost a point. Oh no,” Dumbledore said as the gobstone shot a liquid at him. “Traditionally, gobstones are filled with a much more vile substance than water, but since you’re a beginner I decided to take it easy on you,” Dumbledore winked. Remus got an uncomfortable feeling that Dumbledore knew something he didn’t. He fidgeted with the skin on his fingers, peeling it back. 

At that moment Lyall walked in the house and in a sing-songy voice announced, “Remy, my boy, who is ready for cake and pres- Dumbledore?!” Lyall rushed towards Remus and the man. 

“Lyall! It is nice to see you again after all of these years—“
“What the hell are you doing here? Who let you in?!”

“My pal, Remus, of course.” 

Remus looked down, cheeks red with embarrassment of his carelessness. 

“He thought I was you, Lyall. He tried to deny my entry, you trained him well.”

“Re, it’s okay, you’re not in any trouble,” Lyall assured his son with a pat on the back before turning his attention back to Dumbledore, “Why are you here?” He demanded in a stern and accusatory voice, one Remus had never really heard.

“To invite your son to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, of course! I was recently made headmaster, I’m not sure if you-”
“I’m aware. My son is to be homeschooled,” Lyall interrupted defensively.

“Why, Lyall? Why deprive him of-”
“He can’t go! Alright!” Lyall threw his hands up in defeat. Lyall was a good man, he was many things, but patient was not one of them. “He’s got- He’s- He just can’t!”
Remus fidgeted with the threads on his sweater, avoiding eye contact with either man, zoning out his father’s ranting voice, and wishing so badly that he was normal. That he got a Hogwarts letter like every other magical kid, instead of the Headmaster showing up in his house to convince his father to unknowingly admit a ravenous beast into the castle. Remus felt intense irritation swell within him. He wasn’t angry at Dumbledore nor his father, but at the wolf inside of him. He could never be a normal kid, he was stuck being a monster, and the voice in his head never let him forget that. 

“Lyall, I am aware of his lycanthropy.”

Lyall’s speech froze. He and Remus looked at Dumbledore with identical expressions, eyes wide, eyebrows furrowed, head tilted and mouths agape. Dumbledore smiled and Remus noticed his eyes seemed to twinkle.

“...How?” Lyall almost whispered, breathless. 

“I have spies amongst the dark creatures. The werewolf bragged about turning Remus, about ‘having his fun’ with him,” he paused and looked at Lyall knowingly with slightly raised brows. Remus was confused by his expression, he didn’t think his dad knew about all the “fun” the man had with him. Remus shuddered at the vivid memory. He unconsciously picked at the skin on his thumb, peeling it and drawing blood without noticing. Dumbledore continued, “Since I found out I’ve been making preparations for his attendance at Hogwarts. Measures have been taken. Both he and others will be safe. Five years ago, a world class healer was employed, a lycanthropic specialist and advocate by the name of Poppy Pomfrey. Remus will have a private ward of the Hospital Wing to keep any other patients from viewing his wounds.”

Remus’ eyes widened with shock. All of this, just for him to be able to attend school? Maybe it was just the moon, but Remus felt like crying. He resisted the sting in his eyes and instead looked up at Dumbledore with hopeful eyes and gratitude, and to his father, his eyes questioning, pleading, seeking an answer, seeking a, “yes.” 

Lyall was quiet for a moment, shocked at the situation. He pondered silently before slowly saying, “I’d like to discuss this with you and my wife privately before I give Remus any false hope of attending.” 

“Naturally.”

As if on cue, Hope fumbled with the door handle before walking in with takeout bags and to-go cups from Remus’ favorite cafe in the next town over. She froze upon seeing the scene in front of her: Dumbledore and Remus, both sitting criss-crossed on the floor, and Lyall pacing and running his hands through his hair.

“Ly..?” She questioned, expression vexed at the strange man in her house. 

“Hope, honey, I- we—” he corrected, gesturing between himself, his wife, and Dumbledore, “—need to speak. Re, will you go up to your room, please? Just for a moment.” Remus nodded and obeyed, a feeling of excitement but also deep anxiety brewing in his stomach. Dark creatures? Dark? Creature? Remus’ hand unconsciously moved to the scar on his left hip. Then to the scars on his arms. Then the ones on his torso. He had already brushed death multiple times and the transformations were only getting worse. He pondered whether he even wanted to attend Hogwarts, to be seen or known. Maybe he was better being a nobody in Wales.  Almost twenty minutes later, Remus was called downstairs again. He hobbled down, wary of his aching hip, to see his mother and father smiling sweetly and Dumbledore looking smug. 

“I believe this belongs to you, Remus,” Dumbledore says, handing a cream envelope sealed with a fancy wax stamp, “I look forward to seeing you in September. Goodnight, Lupins!” And with that, Dumbledore exited the home and vanished on the doorstep. All hesitations dissipated when Remus felt the sharp paper in his hands, breathing in the scent of parchment. He reckoned he must have looked dumb, smiling as big as he was when Dumbledore handed him the letter, but it’s not everyday that dreams come true.

Chapter Text

 “Are you sure you have everything? Although, I suppose we could just mail if you forget anything…” Hope trailed off, her hands resting on her son’s shoulders. She gazed at him with watering eyes. She was excited for him, but also nervous. Most of all, and most selfishly, she would miss him dearly.

“I think so. I hope so,” Remus smiled softly at his mum. 

“Hey, Re, come help me with your trunk, Mr. Super-Strength,” Lyall called from upstairs.

“Can’t you just magic it down here?” Remus asked, rolling his eyes. His lycanthropy did make him disproportionately strong, but it proved quite useless because he lost all of it around the moon.  It was the morning of September 1st and the Hogwarts express would board at noon. The next moon was due on September 5th, which Remus found extraordinarily aggravating because September 6th was the first day of classes. The pre-moon irritability was setting in quickly.

“Remus, just come here,” Lyall sighed, exasperated. 

Remus responded by hastily ascending up the stairs.

“What, dad? We’re going to be late!” Remus said, annoyance and urgency dripping from his voice.
“Remus, it takes five minutes to get there and it’s 10:00 am, we are not going to be late,” Lyall replied sassily, looking at Remus through raised eyebrows.

Lyall had gotten the Floo Network set up to be able to get to Hogwarts quickly, if necessary (“Hopefully we won’t need to, Remus, but it is just in case something awful were to happen…you know how unpredictable it is.”), but it was proving to be rather useful for the Welsh family. They had already used it to visit Diagon Alley, which was a treat for both Remus and Hope, since neither of them had ever visited a magical community. They also used it to correspond with Dumbledore and other staff about Remus’ circumstances and how it was to be addressed. Lyall used it to get to work every morning, which he says is much better than apparating all the way to London.

Remus looked at his father with eyebrows raised, questioning why he was called up here.

“Remus, look. I just. I am so, so ecstatic for you, but I’m nervous. You cannot tell anyone about your condition. All of your professors are aware, of course, but peers…” Lyall shook his head. “Re, you just never know, okay? I don’t want you to have to leave. If it gets out, you’ll be asked to leave for your own safety. And-and it’s not your fault, okay? It’s not, and it’s cruel that anyone could think a child less than another because of a disease. I guess, my point is, just be careful, alright? Don’t trust anyone with your future. I love you, son, I’m sorry that it has to be this way,” he paused for a moment, seemingly assessing what he had just said.  He suddenly exclaimed, “And-and make friends! I don’t mean don’t trust anyone, just don’t trust anyone with that. You know?” Lyall ran his hands through his hair frantically and scanned over Remus. He was tall for eleven, spindly but strong, frail but tough, so kind but so angry. A living oxymoron; a boy, but a monster. Lyall pulled his son into a bear hug and ruffled his sandy waves, “I’m gonna miss you, Rem. I’m buying an owl in Diagon Alley after you leave so we can correspond. I’m going to write to you EVERY DAY.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too, Dad,” Remus said as he was released from the hug, smiling at his father with teary eyes, “And Mum, too. I’m going to miss you both terribly.”

“You’ll forget all about us once you get to Hogwarts,” Lyall said with a wink. 

“How could I?!”

“Oh, Rem. You’re in for a treat,” Lyall chuckled as he threw his arm around his son and they walked down into the living room together. 

Lyall did end up magicking the trunk down the stairs without Remus’ assistance. 

***

“Whew!” Remus heard Lyall exclaim as he gained his sight from the floo journey. It always made him feel sick but he didn’t complain about it. He figured it probably made his mum more sick since she was a muggle, and instead of comforting himself he attempted to act normal and waited for her to appear so that he could help her gain her footing. Remus had never been to Kings Cross, and when he finally got a chance to steady himself he gasped in awe at the huge red train that was billowing smoke. They were early by half an hour, but other families were there as well. Remus observed the scene before him carefully, holding his mother’s hand for her comfort (or, that’s what he told himself). The smell of magic wafted through the atmosphere. Remus breathed it in, he loved the smell of it. It was like a toasty cinnamon with hints of electricity and a note of green apple. There was a lot of it, though, and he realized that not all magic smells the same as he got a whiff of burnt oranges and scrunched up his face. 

“One year, I’ll have to take you here the muggle way so that you can run through the wall,” Lyall said as he clapped a hand on his son’s shoulder. Remus turned and looked at him with an expression between, “What?” and “Are you dumb?” and noticed that his mother did the same. Lyall just laughed and gestured towards a wide column that rested in front of the red brick wall and said, “Watch.”

After five minutes Remus was starting to think his dad was playing a joke and was about to say something when he saw a boy with messy black hair and round glasses appear through the wall, running and laughing. His parents strolled through the wall casually with a cart that had the boy’s luggage, smiling endearingly at their son.

“I’M FINALLY HEEEEREEE! HOGWARTS WATCH OUT, JAMES POTTER HAS ARRIVED!” The boy then did a backflip and Remus was so caught off guard he couldn’t help but laugh a little bit.

The father chuckled, “You’re not there yet, Jamie. Still have a loooong train ride.”

James ran back towards his parents and immediately started crying and hugging them. Remus blinked, shocked at the sudden change in emotion.
“I’m gonna miss you so much!” James wailed. His parents laughed softly and kissed their son’s head and whispered assurances that Remus couldn’t make out. He realized he was probably staring, which was rude, so he promptly looked away. 

“He’s gonna be a character,” Lyall chuckled, looking at James Potter. “Definitely a Gryffindor.”

“What do you think I will be?” Remus murmured. He had yet to ask his father, out of fear of being disappointed. But it was too close now and he’d rather be disappointed with his family than in front of the whole school. 

“Well, son. I think you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. But you’re also incredibly intelligent and witty. And you’ve got the biggest, most selfless heart, well maybe second to my beautiful wife,” he added, winking at Hope who playfully rolled her eyes. “So I think you’ve got a shot at Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff. I was Ravneclaw, you know, but I’m kind of hoping that you’re not because they’ll figure you out quickly,” Lyall murmured the last part and then smiled brightly at Remus. Remus was silent for a moment, his mind racing. 

“... I don’t think I’m any of those things. What if- what if I don’t fit in a house so they just make me leave and-and I don’t get to go and I won’t—”

“Hey hey hey hey,” Lyall cut him off. “That’s not how it works. If you don’t completely fit into any one house you get sorted into Hufflepuff, that’s why it’s the biggest. Now calm down. Everything is going to be alright.”
Remus had his hands on his face and was shaking his head. Hope grabbed his hands, pulling them away from his teary cheeks and looked him in the eyes, the same honey brown that hers were.

“Remus, cariad, you are a delightful mix of personality. I think you could fit into any house. You have to stop being so hard on yourself, you’re going to change who you are by convincing yourself you’re not who you are . You are brave, you are intelligent, you are kind, you are my son,” she sighed deeply, observing Remus’ expression. He was losing his breath and his hands were trembling. “Hey, hey, deep breaths, honey. It’s okay. Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I love you, I wish you saw yourself from my eyes. Fy anwyl fachgen,” My darling boy. Hope wiped the single tear that rolled down her face and smiled sweetly at Remus, brushing a curl out of his face. She often switched to Welsh when she was emotional or tired, usually just a phrase or two.

“Rwy'n dy garu di, mum,” I love you, too, mum. Remus had the same habit.

 Remus turned away as tears streamed down his cheeks, focusing on a beam on the ceiling. He sniffled and wiped his face on his sleeve. Lyall and Hope exchanged sad smiles and Hope pulled Remus into a hug, “You, cariad, are going to have so much fun. Don’t worry so much, alright?”

“Yeah, Re, it’s gonna be great, com’ere,” Lyall ruffled Remus’ hair and joined the embrace,  kissing him on the head. Hope inhaled deeply and savored the smell of her son before he left for four months.

 “You have the money I gave you right? And uh,” Lyall leaned in and whispered the next part, “Act like you’re a germaphobe that doesn’t touch money because the sickles–that’s the silver ones– will burn you. I don’t have any in there but if you pay with a galleon they might give you sickle change, just be careful.” Remus nodded briefly in reply.

“You have your glasses, right?” Hope inquired.

“Yes, yes, yes, I have it all,” he said, hitting his backpack.

“Okay, and I put some chocolate in there, too. God, I’m gonna miss you, Remy,” she sniffled. 

“Don’t cry, Mum. You’re gonna make me cry again, I can’t go on the train crying!” Remus said jokingly. Hope and Lyall laughed and they shared one last hug. 

“I love you, Re,” Lyall and Hope said at the same time.

“I love you both, so much. Thank you for letting me go,” Remus said quietly into his parents chests. 

Remus gathered his things and began to walk towards the monstrous red train. He thought of something and quickly turned around and back towards his father. 

“Where do I sit?!” He asked frantically. 

Lyall laughed. “Wherever you want, kid.”
“What if I take an older kid’s spot!?”
“Stop worrying so much, Re. Just go find that Potter kid, that way you’ll know he’s a first year.”

“Isn’t that a bit creepy?!”

Lyall laughed again. “Just go, Remus. Love you, byeeeeee,” he said, pushing Remus forward as Remus turned back frantically looking at his mum for advice but she just blew a kiss and mouthed “I love you,” which wasn’t much help. He struggled to maneuver his luggage up the stairs and was getting flustered and increasingly more nervous when an older girl approached him.

“Here, let me help you,” she said, pulling out her wand and effortlessly levitating his trunk. “I’m Naomi Arya, head girl,” she said sweetly. She had dark hair and striking blue eyes that contrasted with her tan skin. “What’s your name?”

“Er– Remus. Remus Lupin.”

“That’s an interesting name. I like it. You a first year?”

“Yeah. Yes. Ma’am..?”

She laughed. “You don’t have to call me ma’am. You’re tall for a firstie,” she pointed out. Remus just ran his hands through his hair. “Well, Remus, I have a good spot for you. Two other first years, follow me. Unless you had someone in particular you wanted to sit with..?”

Remus shook his head and she gestured to him to follow her. She led him down the corridor, his trunk trailing next to him. She stopped at a compartment and knocked, and Remus heard a familiar sing-songy voice say, “Coooome innnn!” 

“James, Peter, this is Remus. Remus, this is James and Peter. You’re all firsties,” she gestured to each boy as she introduced them while stowing Remus’ trunk. She bid them farewell and walked out, probably to help other first years find a place. She was nice. Remus decided that he liked her.

“HI REMUS! Did I say it right? I’m James Potter, this is Peter Pettigrew. I want to be in Gryffindor, so does Pete. What about you? Hey, you look a little peaky, do you feel a'ight? Just nervous or something? Me, too.” James spoke at the speed of light, saying whatever came to his mind. 

Remus blinked. He was taken aback by the amount of words that spilled out of the boy's mouth within a matter of maybe ten seconds.

“Sorry, he talks A LOT. You get used to it,” the boy named Peter shrugged. Peter had neat, blond hair, was pale and a bit chubby, and had watery dark blue eyes. He and James are opposites, Remus observed. James was muscular and had dark skin, wide brown eyes, and black hair that he continued to run his hands through and mess up. Remus smiled at Peter. 

“Erm. Well, I’m Remus Lupin (yes, you said it right), and I dunno what house I want to be in. And I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, probably just a cold or something,” Remus figured he better start the lie now since he’d have to leave “sick” in a few days anyway.

“Hm. You seem likeee… a Ravenclaw, maybe?”

“My dad was a Ravnenclaw.”

“Cool! What about your mum?”

“Uh… she didn’t go to hogwarts. She’s normal. Not magical.”

“YOU’RE MUM’S A MUGGLE?!” James asked excitedly.

“Yes…?” Remus didn’t realize this wasn’t normal.

“THAT’S SICK!! TELL ME ABOUT IT!!”

“How did they meet?” Peter jumped in. 

“Yeah! How did they meet! Is your dad pureblood?”

“I’m half-blood, too. But both of my parents are magical and my dad’s muggle family disowned him so I’ve only ever been around wizards,” Peter said, trying to be relatable.

The train screeched as it jerked to begin its journey. Remus looked out of the window, so did James and Peter, all three of them waving to their families. Remus noticed that Hope was crying and Lyall was too, but less noticeably. Remus resisted the sting in his eyes and sat back down, blinking back tears. He had never known life without his parents. It had always been just them on their farm in Wales– reading, baking, watching old films. Dancing in the kitchen to Billy Joel or David Bowie, learning new songs on the piano and butchering guitar chords. 

“I LOVE YOU MUM AND DAD!!” James screamed, leaning out of the window. 

“LOVE YOU, TOO, JAMIE BOY!” they yelled back.

Once the train officially left King’s Cross the boys returned to their seats. 

“Anyway. Yeah! Tell us about muggle life!” James said enthusiastically and Peter nodded next to him with a cheesy grin. 

“Erm, well–” The compartment door slid open. 

“You first years?” A boy with porcelain skin and a dark, grown out middle part inquired.

“YESSS! Are you?” James asked with a big, welcoming smile. Remus didn’t understand how the boy was so confident talking to strangers, but he appreciated it and admired his bravery. He really would be a Gryffindor. Remus smiled softly at the new guest, hoping he looked friendly.

The boy smirked, “Yes. And you boys look like just my kind of people! Ugh, I had to sit with my older cousins so my parents wouldn’t flip, but they don’t like me anyway so they weren’t mad I left.”

“Why would your parents be mad if you didn’t sit with your cousins?” James asked with a raised brow, clearly confused.
“Noble and Most Ancient House and all that bullshit. Sirius Black, nice to meet you fellows.”

James and Peter both snickered at the swear word and James took it upon himself to introduce everyone. 

“ I am James Potter, this is Peter Pettigrew, and this is Remus Lupin,” James announced, presenting each boy like a king to the new acquaintance. 

“Ha. Remus Lupin. Your name basically means Wolf Wolf. That’s clever,” Sirius giggled a little bit. Remus tried not to look as anxious as he was about hearing that. Would it give him away?! No, it’s just a name. My birth name. Before I was bitten, Remus assured himself. He hoped he looked pleasant and unphased. He forced a dry laugh. 

“Yeah. Parents got a little too creative, huh?” Remus joked back.

“They took the Lupin surname and were like, ‘haha what if we made his first name match,’” Sirius laughed. The other boys laughed. Remus laughed, too, but he didn’t think the joke was that funny because it didn’t really make sense. Sirius tried to stow his trunk and almost fell backwards. Remus immediately stood up to help and pretended to struggle with the weight of the luggage. 

“What’ve you got in here? All twenty-eight noble and most ancient houses?” Remus jested.

“Nah, only thirteen of them,” Sirius replied with a smirk.

They both laughed and Sirius slid into the seat next to Remus, across from James and Peter.

“Where are you two from? Peter and I are from Godric’s Hollow, out in Somerset, England. It’s a wizarding community. Marlene McKinnon is from there, too, she’s sitting with her older brother, though.”

“Well, Lupin here is obviously from Wales,” Sirius said as if it were incredibly apparent. Remus suddenly became very conscious of his accent. He didn’t think it was that noticeable, since his dad wasn’t from Wales so he grew up with an Englishman in the house. “And I live in London, but I’m from France.”
“Oooo, can you speak French? James can speak Spanish because his mum’s family is from Spain.” 

“Oui, mon ami!” Sirius smiled smugly.

“Cool,” Peter nodded, impressed. Remus decided not to reveal his Welsh speaking abilities so that Peter wouldn’t feel left out of the bilingual club.

“Well, Lupin was just about to tell us about his Muggle mum before you interrupted, so, do continue mate,” James said with a smile and a wink. Remus was confused by the use of his surname. Was he supposed to use people’s surnames to address them?

“Oh, I mean, we don’t have to talk about that. I don’t really know what you want me to say about it… I don’t know how it’s different from your lives.”

“Your mum’s a muggle?!” Sirius exclaimed, similar to how James had earlier, but a bit more contained.
“Yes? Is that– Is– Am I not normal?” Remus asked awkwardly, rubbing his head.

“No! I mean yes, you’re normal. We just don’t have muggles in our families so we think it’s cool is all. You get the best of both worlds. That must be awesome,” James explained thoughtfully. Remus thought James Potter must be the nicest boy in the world. 

“Yeah. My family hates muggles. So I like them.”

Remus whipped his head to look at Sirius, eyes wide with concern. He noticed Peter and James looked at him with similar expressions. James furrowed his brows and stared at Sirius attempting to look intimidating.

“Look, Black. We don’t… we’re not blood purists or anything like that–”

“Nonono! I’m not. My family is. My brother and I don’t get it. We think it’s the stupidest thing ever and a sign of their unintelligence. I’ve always wanted to be friends with muggles. I watch them out of my window at the park and I just think they’re so cool. I dunno. Reg—that’s my brother—thinks I’m a creep for spying on them. He might be joking, though. I never know with him,” Sirius smiled fondly. 

“...You don’t like, think purebloods have better magic than half-bloods and muggle-borns, right?” Peter asked cautiously.

“No! Of course not! That’s another thing my brother and I think is dumb. Why would mudbloods–”

James and Peter gasped and Remus’ eyes widened. He thought back to the moment his dad taught him that word and told him to immediately write home if anyone called him that. 

“Why would you call them that, Black!?” James exclaimed, horrified and looking around to make sure no one outside of their compartment heard him. 

“I- Is that wrong? I just- that’s what my family calls– that’s what I thought they were called…I’m sorry,” Sirius trailed off and looked down at his hands.
“It’s okay, you didn’t know,” Remus assured him. 

“Yeah. Just don’t say it again, alright?” James warned, nodding.
“No, of course I won’t! God, I’m so stupid. I really am sorry,” Sirius was visibly disappointed in himself and started biting his nails. Remus could tell he was being genuine. He reached out and touched Sirius’ leg above his knee, and smiled reassuringly, attempting to comfort him as his parents always did him in public. Sirius looked shocked at the touch so Remus moved his hand away but Sirius smiled back and looked significantly happier. He stopped biting his nails. Remus smiled to himself. James and Peter had started talking to each other about quidditch and Sirius joined in. Remus had no interest in quidditch and disengaged, pulling out a book, a bar of chocolate, and his glasses. 

“Hey! We’re twins!” James exclaimed chipperly, gesturing to his own glasses. 

“Oh. Uh, yeah,” Remus half-smiled.

“What’s your prescription?”

“Er– I don’t really know…”

“Do you only need them to read?”

“...Yeah.” It wasn’t a lie. 

“I wish. My vision is SO BAD. Here, try mine on and I’ll try yours,” James said, pushing his glasses into Remus’ hand. 

“Oh that’s alright–”

“Just try them, it's REALLY bad,” Peter laughed.

Remus reluctantly took his own glasses off and put on James’, feeling pressured. His head immediately started hurting and he took them off quickly. “Holy shit, James,” Remus said, rubbing his temple.

“Yep! I’m still just as blind in yours!” James said, giggling and reaching out towards Remus blindly for his glasses. Remus placed them carefully into James’ hands, as James placed Remus’ in his. 

“I wanna try!” Sirius whined, snatching the lenses before James even put them on his face. “YIKES!” He pulled them away and quickly gave them back to James. “You’re blinder than my grandma with no eyes!”

Peter was laughing hysterically. 

“What about yours, Remus?”

“They’re really not bad, I just–”

 Sirius lunged towards Remus, who flinched at the movement, hitting his head against the window. Sirius snatched the glasses off of his face and put them on his own, sitting back in his spot.

“I don’t see a difference!” Sirius said, moving the frames on and off his eyes to compare the two visions.

“Well they’re for reading so look at something up close,” James explained. Remus reddened. He didn’t plan on exposing his dyslexia this early on. Hope explained that it was nothing to be ashamed of and it didn’t make him any less smart, but he didn’t really believe her. 

“I still don’t see a difference! Maybe I need glasses,” Sirius giggled, handing the frames back to Remus, who put them back on and opened his book. He leaned against the window and pulled his knees to his chest and stretched his sweater over them. Sirius laughed amusedly at him, smiling with affection. After a moment, the compartment door slid open again and Remus looked up and smiled at the new faces. 

“I’m Lily Evans,” a girl with bright red hair and green eyes began.

“And I’m Severus Snape,” added a boy with greasy black hair who, like Sirius, was already in his Hogwarts uniform. He talked with a tone that felt like he thought he was better than everyone. He looked Remus over and made a face at the way he was sitting. Remus felt embarrassed, even though he didn’t really have a reason to be. 

“Can we sit here? Some older kids in our compartment wanted room for their friends…” The girl trailed off. 

“Of course. Nice to meet you. Remus Lupin,” he smiled politely. Lily smiled back.

“And these boys are James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black, but they’re arguing over quidditch right now so I wouldn’t try to talk to them,” Remus cautioned sarcastically. Lily giggled a little bit and Snape rolled his eyes. The boy settled a space away from Sirius who moved closer to Remus to make room and waved and smiled briefly before continuing his talk with James and Peter, and Lily sat next to Peter who moved significantly closer to James as if he were scared of women as a species. James was so engaged and passionate about the conversation that he didn’t seem to notice the guests. The two newcomers continued their own conversation while the boys continued theirs and Remus tried to read but couldn’t help hearing moments of the conversations no matter how much he didn’t care. Lily and Snape seemed to be arguing before Snape said, “But we’re going!” unable to suppress the exhilaration in his voice. “This is it! We’re off to Hogwarts!”

She nodded, mopping her eyes, but in spite of herself, she half smiled.

“You’d better be in Slytherin,” said Snape, encouraged that she had brightened a little.

“Slytherin?” James interjected, whipping his head around to look at Snape. “Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?” James asked Sirius, who didn’t smile at all.

“My whole family have been in Slytherin,” he said.

“Blimey,” said James, “and I thought you seemed all right!”

Sirius grinned. “Maybe I’ll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you’ve got the choice?” 

James lifted an invisible sword, “‘Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!’ Like my dad.”

Snape made a small, disparaging noise.

James turned on him. “Got a problem with that?”

“No,” said Snape, though his slight sneer said otherwise. “If you’d rather be brawny than brainy—”

“Where’re you hoping to go, seeing as you’re neither?” interjected Sirius. James roared with laughter. Lily sat up, rather flushed, and looked from James to Sirius in dislike.

“Come on, Severus, let’s find another compartment.”

“Oooooo…” James and Sirius imitated her lofty voice; Peter tried to trip Snape as he passed.“See ya, Snivellus!” Sirius called, and the compartment door slammed.

James, Peter, and Sirius laughed loudly, James and Sirius high-fived, and Remus looked around not sure what to think. Sure, Slytherin had a bad rep of dark wizards, but correlation doesn’t equal causation; not all Slytherin’s were bad. Some were just really ambitious or cunning. He also didn't know how he felt about Sirius' brutal comment. Sure, Snape didn't seem like a ray of sunshine, but he was still just a kid like the rest of them. Remus pretended to keep reading. The other boys had now completely abandoned the topic of Houses and moved on to some wizarding band. Remus perked up, he loved music. His mum had a record player and bought Remus vinyls for every holiday. They also had a small piano in their living room and Hope had taught him to play a few songs. He didn’t know all of the technicalities of the notes and such, but he could play by ear and memorize the movements in his hands. He’d been working on learning guitar with his dad, but he wasn’t very good yet. 

Remus looked over his book and interjected the conversation. “Wait, there's Wizarding bands? Why does everything have to be separate? Music is music.”

“Oh look who decided to abandon his true love Madame Livre and join the fun!” Sirius teased.

“I’ve never really listened to muggle music… Except when I’m out in public or something and it’s in the background of a store or something,” James said thoughtfully.

“What?! You mean you’ve never heard Bowie, or T-Rex, or The Beatles ?”

“No, but they sound AWESOME!!” James beamed.

“Yeah!” the other two chorused behind him.

“Well, have you heard of Wizarding bands? The Hobgoblins? Weird Sisters?” Peter quizzed Remus.

“No… I guess I never really thought there was a difference, y’know? It’s all just a bunch of sounds mixed together that artists construct to be cohesive and pleasant.”

“Hm, that’s a really nice way of putting it, Lupin…” Sirius said thoughtfully. “I’ve never thought about it that way. I was always forced to listen to classical music and stuff. My oldest cousin– she’s the only person in my family that I like– gave me a wireless for my birthday last year so Reg and I could listen to someone other than Tchaikovsky. You kind of remind me of him, Lupin. My brother, not Tchaikovsky,” he giggled a little bit and James and Peter snickered.

Remus furrowed his brows and blinked, taken aback. He was puzzled by this comment. He hadn’t really said anything to Sirius (Black? He still didn’t like the whole surname thing; it made him anxious), and Sirius (Black?) seemed very fond of his brother from what he’d picked up, so it was odd he would make that comparison so quickly.

“How so?” Remus asked curiously, expression still vexed. 

“I don’t know. It’s just… something about you. Maybe it’s the book and the witty comments. Or pretending to be busy when I know that you’re listening. Reg does that all the time,” Sirius chuckled. 

Remus was shocked Sirius (Black?) picked that up. Even his parents didn’t know when he was actually listening. “Guilty,” he quipped with a sideways smile, throwing up his hands in fake surrender. The other boys laughed harder than expected and Remus smirked, proud of himself.

The rest of the train ride was enjoyable. The boys laughed and joked and played makeshift games of quidditch, which Remus was forced to participate in to “even out the teams.”  After a few hours had passed Namoi came back and instructed everyone to put their uniforms on, so James, Peter, and Remus went to the bathroom to change. 

Upon returning to the compartment, James announced to the others, “Let’s promise to all be best friends, no matter what houses we end up in!” James held out his hand and prompted the others to stack theirs on top. Remus glanced at all the boys, looking for answers as to what was going on. He caught Sirius’ eye and when they realized they were doing the same thing they chuckled quietly.  

“1,2,3, BEST FRIENDS!” only James yelled. Remus and Sirius laughed at the awkwardness and Peter giggled hysterically. 

“C’mon guyyyysss. Please!” James pleaded with big brown puppy dog eyes and a dramatically pouty bottom lip. 

“How were we supposed to know what to say?!” Sirius retorted.

“Ugh, I guess you’re right. Okay on the count of three we’re saying ‘BEST FRIENDS!’”

“Okay. 1,2,3, BEST FRIENDS!!” They all exclaimed. Remus said it quieter and slightly delayed to make sure he wasn’t going to be alone. They all laughed and Remus felt good . Hogwarts was already better than he could imagine, and he already had three best friends. He couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face as he took in the last moments in the compartment, breathing in the mixed scents of his new best friends. He felt at ease. All was well.

 But the voice in the back of Remus’ head, the voice that could never die, told him that nothing good could last. That once they figured him out that they would abandon him, shun him, maybe even turn him in or kill him. That this was all pretend, a fake version of himself. The real him would never have friends, especially not best friends. He hated that voice, but he always regarded it as truth. 

Chapter Text

“Firs Yers! Firs Yers! O’er Her!”

The four new best friends looked at each other and giggled at the funny accent. The voice bellowed across the bustling station, everyone hearing it despite not even being off the train yet. James insisted that they hold hands so they wouldn’t get separated in the chaos around them. So, four eleven-year-old boys held hands and funneled out of the train along with five hundred other kids of different ages and sizes. The older years seemed to know what they were doing, walking towards carriages seemingly pulled by nothing. The other confused first years looked at one another awkwardly for direction, nervously wondering if they were going the wrong way. 

The boys followed the booming voice with the weird accent to a corner of the station and waited for the other first years to join them. Remus tried to release James’ hand once they made it to the man but James tightened his grip. Remus could smell James’ excitement, but it was mixed with intense anxiety. Remus wondered if the forceful hand holding was more to combat his nervousness than to prevent being separated. He squeezed James’ hand twice to comfort him, to which James’ sighed, relieved, and squeezed back three times. Remus wondered if the three times was significant, but figured he was looking too deep into things. 

Remus looked around at the scene of the station, the chaos working cohesively as everyone drifted into their place. His eyes wandered to a group of girls reuniting, hearing their loud squealing and giggles echo through the grey cobblestone of the station as they walked towards a carriage. Remus wondered how they were pulled, because it seemed that the reigns were attached to something , but not anything visible. Was it a charm?

“We take the boats, because we’re first years. It’s tradition,” Peter told them, but Remus could tell it was more so directed at him and appreciated the shared knowledge.

“A’righ, you little people! I’m Hagrid, keeper of the grounds ‘ere at Hogwarts. So the boats…” Hagrid kept talking but Remus zoned out, lost in the anxiety of the sorting. What if it reveleaved his condition, or he couldn’t be sorted because of it? Because he wasn’t a boy, but a monster, a beast, a creature, a–

“WE’RE IN A BOAT TOGETHER!” James announced, shouting towards Hagrid and startling Remus out of his thoughts. He held both of his hands straight in the air, which were still entwined with Peter on one side and Remus on the other. Sirius called out, “YEAH!” and joined James by holding up his own hand that was conjoined with Remus, who awkwardly stood sandwiched between the two enthusiastic boys. He blushed at their boldness and scanned the crowd for reactions, picking up on some whispering, giggling, and eye-rolling. Hagrid laughed loudly, causing Remus to wince and squeeze his eyes shut.

“A’righ then! You boys can hop in this one,” Hagrid smiled, gesturing to the nearest boat. It was a chestnut, shiny, brown wooden boat with two benches. James finally released their hands as he clambered in the boat first, ecstatic and clumsy. He almost tipped it over before settling in a seated position and gesturing for the others to follow. Sirius shrugged and Remus could tell he was attempting to mirror James effortless klutziness, but was obviously uncomfortable with such casual movement, having been raised in a posh home. Peter followed, moving slowly, wary of tipping the boat as he took his place across from Sirius and James. 

“Come on, Lupin!” James called.

“Yeah! If we get going now we can be the first ones there!” Sirius added. 

Remus stepped gently into the boat, feeling the unsteadiness of the waves underneath him. He took three gentle steps, wobbling with loss of balance before taking his place next to Peter, who greeted him with a soft smile. 

“LETTTTS GO!!” James roared. 

“Why is it not going?” Sirius asked James, concerned but amused. 

“I dunno! I didn’t break it or anything, right?!” James exclaimed nervously, eyes wide and voice frantic.

Remus looked around the lake and noticed that none of the boats were moving yet, so he figured they must be under some sort of spell that allows them to all start at once. Sirius, James, and Peter argued worriedly about how to make the boat go and Remus laughed amusedly at them. 

“And what’re you laughing at, Lupin?!” Sirius exclaimed, his tone sassy but his cheesy grin saying otherwise. Remus tilted his head and laughed lightly. As he looked at Sirius the distinct and familiar scent of magic wafted through the air, and knowing the boats were about to take off, Remus took the opportunity to mess with the others. He was quiet for a moment, letting himself feel the magic around him attach to the boat. He took a deep breath, and with a sly smile, snapped his fingers. The boat began skating across the lake, the sound of the waves hitting the wooden plank as James, Sirius, and Peter gawked at him. Remus tried to resist the laughter building in his chest, his lips twisting into an upside down smile and his frame shaking lightly. 

“WHAT?! WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT?!” James exclaimed, hitting Peter and Sirius playfully on their backs. Remus shrugged in response, his expression still light.

“No, seriously, how did you know to do that?” Peter asked, very intrigued and eager to learn. Remus shrugged again. Sirius was quiet, searching his mind for the answer to Peter’s question.

“The only thing serious here is me,” Sirius smirked, clearly abandoning any further thought. 

Remus playfully rolled his eyes while James and Peter burst into giggles. . 

“Is anyone else… kinda nervous?” Peter asked timidly, biting his nails. 

“Nope! I’m so excited to be a lion. GO GO GRYFFINDOR!!” James cheered and then roared loudly, his voice echoing off the lake and ringing in Remus’ ears. He instinctively brought his hands to his head like earmuffs and winced at the noise, his senses already heightened due to the approaching moon. Good God this kid is LOUD.

“You good, Lupin?” Sirius asked him, an eyebrow cocked in confusion and concern. 

“Oh! Er. Yeah,” he replied, removing his hands and nodding probably a bit dramatically. He cringed at himself and stopped, moving his gaze to the sky and his hands to his lap to peel at his skin. Sirius furrowed his brows and smirked, then averted his attention back to James and Peter. Peter was anxious he wasn’t going to make friends while James was sure he would. 

“Yeah but like I said, the four of us will always be friends. We promised!” James assured Peter. 

“But what if we end up not liking each other!” Peter argued. 

“Pshh. We like each other just fine. Right, guys?” James prompted Sirius and Remus to join in on the assurances. 

“Right, yeah. You’re great, Pettigrew.” Sirius nodded, slapping Peter in the knee. 

Remus wasn’t listening. He stared up at the massive castle with the twinkling stars around it. It was magical. And not just as in possessing magic, as in it was magic incarnate. Floating candles lit the exterior, making the castle glow against the night sky, its reflection shimmered across the dark lake. It felt like he was in a storybook, like this wasn’t real. It couldn’t be! This was where he was going to live? To learn magic? It all felt surreal, impossible. And then he remembered. The sorting. 

All good things must have a but , he thought, sighing to himself. I’m a monster. They won’t sort me. They won’t sort me because I’m not a kid, I'm an animal. And an invalid that can’t read. Or I’ll just go straight to Slytherin because I’m a “dark creature.” Yeah that’ll be it—

“Ten galleons you won’t jump in the lake, Black,” James said loudly, jerking Remus out of his thoughts. 

“WANNA BET?” Sirius challenged, holding out his hand for a handshake. 

“You gotta deal,” James smiled, taking his hand. 

Sirius took off his shoes and stood on the edge of the boat. 

“You’re bloody mental,” Remus said dryly, staring at Sirius with disbelief. 

“And proud! See you lads on the flip side,” he winked and smirked, sending a salute before falling backwards with a splash. James and Peter erupted into laughter. 

“He’s gonna flip the boat,” Remus stated. 

“What?” James said through laughs. 

“He is going to flip the boat,” Remus repeated, articulating each word clearly and trying very hard not to have an accent.  

“What? No he’s not,” James pawed his hand through the air with a cheesy grin. 

“I’m telling you,” Remus warned.  

Sirius popped up on James’ side of the boat, smiling mischievously. 

“Help me up, Potter. And I expect my ten galleons by the end of the night.”

James stood up and held out his hand, his unbalanced weight leaning the boat a little to the side. Remus looked at Sirius and shook his head slowly. Sirius winked in reply. 

“Oh fuck me,” Remus muttered under his breath and moved as far as he could to the opposite side. 

“Potter, you're so weak. Pettigrew! Come help! Salazar, I didn’t know I was that fat.” 

“NO. Peter do NOT go help,” Remus exclaimed, throwing out his hand to say “stop.”

Peter cocked his head confusedly at Remus and then got up. 

“Oh my fuck,” Remus mumbled, pressing a hand to his face. 

Peter was all the weight that Sirius needed. He pushed down hard on the edge of the boat, James and Peter immediately fell and Remus toppled after them, the cold water chilling his skin and entering his ears. Sirius laughed so loud and hard that Remus could hear him even under the surface and with water-logged eardrums. He resurfaced next to the upside down boat to a giggling James and a surprised Peter. 

“You tosser!” James exclaimed, splashing Sirius, who only laughed harder. Sirius splashed back.

“You were right, Lupin,” James laughed

“Yeah, I know,” Remus replied dryly, his hair wet and dripping onto his face. This earned him a splash from both Sirius and James, and a war broke out between the four of them. They splashed and laughed, and somehow, in the middle of the lake, they became more than just acquaintances from a train ride, they became brothers. 

“How do you just like, know everything, Lupin?” Peter questioned. 

“He said, ‘see you on the flip side’ and then winked. Did you guys not see that!?” Remus answered, the four of them treading water in a small circle. Sirius still giggled, his face red from both exertion and amusement. 

“No I wasn’t paying that close attention, honestly,”  James chuckled. 

“Me either. What do we do now!?” Peter exclaimed. 

“We swim!” Sirius exclaimed. 

“Or we flip the boat over and get back in it,” Remus reasoned. 

“Erm… too late for that I think,” James said with an awkward grin. Remus turned to look where the boat had been. It now glided across the water as if nothing had happened, already almost to shore.

“Oh bloody hell. I guess we do swim,” Remus sighed. 

“Race?” Sirius mused, pointing to the three of them. 

“That’s not fair! Lupin and I will lose!” Peter complained. 

“Um, hullo?” Remus looked at Peter with mock offense at him suggesting his loss. 

“No offense. It’s just that I’m fat and you’re… well, you’re not exactly an athlete either. So odds are NOT in our favor,” Peter shrugged and smiled. “Face it, we stand no chance!”

“Oh yeah?” Remus raised an eyebrow. His voice was calm, but there was a hint of challenge in his tone. “Wanna make this interesting?”

“Er– No not in particular,” Peter replied nervously, scratching his head despite treading water. 

“Hell yeah!” Sirius hollered, pumping a fist in the air. James nodded and fist bumped him. 

“Okay, Peter and I versus you two. Whoever loses has to take the bla–”

“No, no, no. I’m taking the blame. It was my fault. You guys aren’t getting in trouble for that. Something else,” Sirius interjected. 

“Oookay. Er…”

“Has to profess their love to a professor once a week for all of first term!” James supplied.

“As a team?”

“Oh yeah. Nevermind… Has to pull a prank on the first day of classes!”

Shit. 

“No, just within the first week. Er– time to plan,” Remus nodded, hoping this was a valid excuse. 

“Deal!” James and Sirius agreed at the same time. 

“Deal.”

“We so got this,” James said to Sirius, punching him in the arm.

“1,2,3 GO!” Sirius bellowed, taking off with a splash, the rest of them following. James quickly caught up to Sirius, while Peter and Remus lagged behind. James and Sirius seemed to be racing each other, despite being on the same team. 

“Why’d you do this? You know we’re gonna lose,” Peter whined. 

“Because, Peter, look at them. They’re gonna wear themselves out before we’re even halfway there.”

“Godric, you’re so smart!” Peter laughed, relieved. Remus just smiled in response.

He was right. James and Sirius slowed down significantly at the halfway mark, and Remus and Peter caught up to them. 

“HAHA, SUCKERS!” Peter bellowed, his confidence now skyrocketed. Remus laughed at his remark and choked on water, slowing him down, but Peter didn’t stop. 

“You alright, Lupin?” James called.

“Mmmhm. Just–” his coughs interrupted his sentence. Sirius and James swam over to him, each one grabbing one of his arms. 

“No–no–I’m–good,” Remus sputtered in wheezes, his lungs burning. 

“Don’t sound it,” Sirius chuckled. 

“Peter–made–me–laugh.” 

James giggled and they waited with him until his coughing subsided. 

“Now you’re gonna lose,” Remus observed.

“Saving your life was slightly more important,” Sirius said, holding up his hand with a small bit of space between his index and thumb. 

“Oh come off it, you did not ‘save my life,’” Remus rolled his eyes playfully. 

“Whatever you wanna tell yourself, Lupin,” Sirius replied with a smirk. Remus splashed him and the three of them kept swimming together at a slow pace. By the time they got to shore, Peter was already out and dry, standing next to a tall woman with a pointy hat. He was obviously in trouble, but he had a proud smile on his face and flashed the others a thumbs up. The rest of the boys climbed onto the shore shivering but eyes full of joy as they suppressed giggles. 

“Aw, hell. I’ve lost my shoes,” Sirius whined, turning back to look at the lake. 

“Ahem,” the woman cleared her throat and pointed her wand at them. Remus felt a surge of warmth over his body and sighed, now dry, except for his hair, which was cold on his scalp. She then pointed it at the lake and called, “Accio shoes,” which sent Sirius’ loafers flying towards them. 

“Thanks!” Sirius exclaimed. 

“My pleasure, Mr. Black. Now do you boys want to explain yourselves?” She questioned sternly, eyeing them individually. 

“Well, you see Professor er—?” 

“McGonagall,” she offered.

“Professor McGonagall,” Sirius continued. “Nice to meet you, by the way. I just wanted to jump in on my own accord because I like to swim. And then I thought the water was very nice and that my friends would probably also like to swim, so I tipped the boat,” Sirius smiled up at her innocently, batting his eyelashes. 

“Hm. And did you all? Like to swim?”

Remus and Peter shook their heads while James and Sirius nodded enthusiastically. 

“Well then it seems Mr. Lupin and Mr. Pettigrew have had enough punishment. Now for you two… Detention on Monday.” James and Sirius groaned and Peter snickered under his breath. Remus tried to suppress a smirk. 

“Now you boys are late to the sorting ceremony. Do you all know about the houses?” 

They all nodded. 

“Good. We’ve just gotten past letter M, so Black and Lupin, you two will go first, and then Pettigrew and Potter can wait until their name is called.”

Remus felt his stomach drop. He forgot to be nervous about the sorting while he was swimming around. He kicked himself mentally. He now had little to no time to prepare himself. McGonagall led them through the grand doors, and Remus’ mind immediately calmed as he took in his surroundings. 

“Wow,” he breathed, gaping at the bewitched ceiling. It mirrored the weather outside, a perfectly clear, starry night, and an (unfortunately) almost full moon. There were candles floating about the room. The walls were decorated with gold sconces and framed portraits, and lined with suits of armor. There were four tables, each adorned in their house colors with a banner hung above it with the house crest. The Hufflepuff table erupted into cheers as a little girl with the last name “Newton” got sorted. 

“Okay, boys, follow me forward.”

The hall erupted into quiet whispers as they noticed the four boys walking towards the front of the room. But the whispers weren’t so quiet to Remus. They were exponentially louder than they ought to have been, Remus hearing each word of the overlapping conversations, as if one hundred people were yelling at him. Sirius, Peter, and James embraced the attention, smiling brightly and pointing finger guns at people. Remus did not. He kept his eyes on his feet and moved with the group, trying to blend in. Remus’ nostrils stung. The castle smelt of dusty parchment, metal, and ink, and he kept getting whiffs of too strong cologne. 

McGonagall reached the hat and stool and gestured for Sirius to come up

“Black, Sirius,” she said, and the students burst into even louder whispers.

“Wish me luck,” Sirius muttered as he left the group. He sat down and the old, raggedy hat was placed on his head, covering his eyes. Remus saw Sirius’ lips move as if he were talking, but he couldn’t hear a sound. He sat for almost three minutes before the hat bellowed, “GRYFFINDOR!” and the table erupted in the loudest applause Remus had ever heard. James screamed so loud that Remus got a headache, and Peter clapped along with him. Remus glanced at the Slytherin table, remembering what Black had said on the train earlier. All of them looked annoyed and chattered among themselves, stealing glances at Sirius across the room. 

“Lupin, Remus,” McGonagall called, her voice jerking Remus to attention. He gulped and moved towards the stool, warily sitting down. She placed the hat over his head as Remus tried to steady his shaking hands. It consumed his whole head. Remus sneezed as the dust entered his nostrils. It smelt old. Well obviously it smells old, dumbass, it is old, he told himself.

“Quite old, yes. Ah, Remus Lupin. Special case aren’t ya?”

Remus jumped at the voice, searching around, and then remembering he was inside of a musty hat. Can they hear that? He wondered to himself. 

“No.”

You can hear my thoughts?!

“Yes.”

Oh no.

The hat chuckled. Remus didn’t know hats could do such a thing. 

“Tricky, you are. Very clever, very clever, indeed. Yet, selfless and kind. Friend to the underdog. The biggest heart you have there, dear Remus.”

Yeah, right.

“And very sarcastic, apparently. Funny. Got your wits about you, eh?”

I suppose?

“But, Remus, above all of these things. You are brave.”

Am not.

“ Are too,” The hat replied, mocking his tone. “Perhaps the bravest child that’s ever placed this hat on their head. You have faced unimaginable things and yet persevered. And for that, I place you in… GRYFFINDOR!”

Remus let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. McGonagall removed the hat and smiled, “Welcome to Gryffindor, Remus.”  He returned the smile and said a small “thanks” before moving towards the cheering table. Sirius moved over and patted the spot next to him, a big grin plastered on his face as he held out his hand for a high-five. Remus hit his hand lightly and accepted the spot. James was still cheering from the crowd of unsorted first-years, with Peter clapping awkwardly beside him.

“WOOHOO!” Sirius pumped his fists into the air. “Three out of four ‘best friends’ are already in the same house. We’ll have to cross our fingers for Pettigrew,” Sirius grinned. Remus snickered at the fact that there was no doubt where James was going.

It wasn’t long before it was Peter’s turn. Sirius and Remus crossed their fingers on both hands, staring up at him with hopeful grins. Peter’s sorting took the longest. He bit his nails and fidgeted around on the stool, shifting his weight from right to left and forward and back. Sirius and Remus side eyed each other and their smiles faltered just for a moment before the hat yelled, “GRYFFINDOR!” 

Sirius cheered and whooped and Remus clapped. What are the odds? All four of us, in the same house! Sirius gestured Peter to sit with them and clapped him on the back. 

“Can you believe it! All of us, together!” Peter exclaimed happily, sliding onto the bench on the other side of Sirius.

“I know! It’s wild!” Sirius beamed. 

As predicted, the hat barely touched James’ tousled hair before screeching the loudest “GRYFFINDOR!” of them all. Again, the table broke into applause as James strutted to the other boys, squeezing in between a laughing Remus and Sirius. He threw his arms around their shoulders and sighed happily with a seemingly permanent smile stuck on his face. “We’re roomies!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah, we really lucked out,” Sirius observed, glancing around the table. 

“I guess lions of a pride flock together!” James replied happily. Remus cocked an eyebrow at the altered expression but said nothing, too consumed by bliss. He was here, in a castle, with three boys who considered him a best friend and a fellow lion. He couldn’t contain the smile that sat on his face. The hat didn’t even consider Slytherin. He couldn’t wait to write home and tell his mum and dad. 

The rest of the sorting went by fairly quickly, most of the new students belonging to the first half of the alphabet that they missed while frolicking about in the lake. Dumbledore stepped up from the teacher’s table and placed his wand to the side of his neck, clearing his throat at an amplified volume. The chatter of the hall fell silent, all attention to the old man.

“Hello! To our new students, welcome to Hogwarts, and to our old, welcome back.” The room broke out into applause, some students standing up and whooping, the professors clapping politely. Dumbledore smiled softly and pushed his hand down to quiet the cheers.

“We are very excited to start our 1971 term with a…”

Two ginger boys at the Gryffindor table (Remus reckoned they must have been twins), clambered up onto the table, and, doing the same trick as Dumbledore with the wand, one shouted, “THE CHILDREN ARE HUNGRY, ALBUS.”

“LET US EAT!” The other echoed. The hall erupted into giggles and quiet conversations. Remus was scared for the boys. Calling the headmaster by his first name? What were they thinking? He picked at the skin on his fingers, glancing nervously to the teachers table and the headmaster. But Dumbledore’s expression did not falter. His smile grew wider and to Remus’ surprise, he just chuckled.

“Well, the Pruitt twins have said it best. Let us feast!” Dumbledore smiled and clapped twice. Food appeared on the platters in front of them, more food than Remus had ever seen in his life. He stared in awe for a moment, pondering how the magic worked that allowed a feast for seven hundred to just materialize out of nowhere. The other boys didn’t hesitate. They were loading their plates up with mashed potatoes and turkey and ham and… pasta. The scents were slightly overwhelming for Remus, but the pasta was enough for him not to care. He loaded his plate full of the tomato-vodka-sauce drowned curly noodles and topped it with basil shreds. He almost added steak but decided he’d rather not and just gorged on his delicious, wondrous, delectable noodles… 

“Good Godric , Lupin! It’s like you haven’t eaten in weeks!” James exclaimed, eyes flickering between the large plate and Remus, an amused grin plastered on his face. Remus froze, leaned over his plate with a noodle hanging from his lips. Peter started laughing and hit Sirius on the arm playfully. Remus’ cheeks reddened and he attempted to quickly finish his bite. Sirius turned to look at Remus and laughed, but concern flickered behind his eyes. He made eye-contact with Remus, trying to communicate something. Remus arched an eyebrow in question, confused. Sirius just shook his head slightly and continued the conversation he was having with Peter. Remus looked back at his plate and sat up straight, telling himself to slow down. James glanced at him and frowned slightly. He was silent for a moment, even as chatter continued around him, with eyebrows furrowed.  

“S’all good, Lup. Just never seen someone so little eat so much,” James said thoughtfully, an apologetic smile tugging at his face. Remus didn’t really know what to say. He shrugged and smiled back, but intentionally didn’t finish his plate. James probably didn’t mean anything by his comment, Remus had picked up that James mostly acted on impulse, but he couldn’t get it out of his head. It wasn’t a big deal, really, but he felt so embarrassed. God, stop. You’re so dramatic. He was just playing around. That’s what friends do. But, Sirius—- BLACK, He corrected his inner voice. Last names. Right. Remember that. That’s so stupid. Why is that a thing? We’re all the same age. Anyway, why’d he look at me like that?

Remus felt his stomach flip with anxiety and he forced himself to take a deep breath. He focused on his surroundings, but that didn’t help. The overlapping conversations overwhelmed him further, all of them heard but none understood. Fuck. The smells of the different entrees mixed together and became unpleasant. He crinkled up his nose. He heard Peter’s breathing, smelt the guilt on James and the concern on Sirius, felt the hard wood of the bench underneath him. His breath quickened. Stop, stop, STOP.  His brain was spinning. Chill the fuck out. Please. People are going to notice. He took another steadying breath and shifted his weight. He felt a light kick to his shin and looked up in the direction it came from, meeting James' eyes. 

“ I’m sorry,” he mouthed, a frown on his usually bright face. 

Sorry? What’s there to be sorry for? He had already almost forgotten about the comment, more focused on keeping himself from completely losing his shit. 

“Hm? Oh, all good. Don’t worry, just not as hungry as I thought. Ha ha,” he replied, trying to sound as cool, calm, and collected as possible, though he was sure that he failed miserably. I’m probably the least “cool, calm, and collected” person to ever exist in the history of ever. 

It was then that Dumbledore re-approached the podium, holding his hand out for silence, which quickly followed. Remus sighed in relief.

“Now, now. I’m sure you’ve all enjoyed a wonderful meal, so with bellies full but dessert to look forward to, I will share a few announcements.” He cleared his throat and reached into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled parchment. There were a few snickers at the wrinkled page as Dumbledore unfolded it. The crinkle of the parchment also amplified with whatever spell Dumbledore was using. Remus squinted his eyes shut until it stopped.

“The Forbidden Forest is indeed, forbidden, meaning no student should be in the forest at any time. The Whomping Willow has been planted as a rare and exciting new feature to our grounds! However pay close attention to the first word of its name, as it will “whomp” you into the infirmary. Mr. Filch would like me to remind you that Mrs. Norris (his cat, for those who don’t know) is not a toy and should not be messed with. And finally, a warm welcome to our newest professor, Clara Peterson.” A younger woman at the staff table stood up while the hall whistled and whooped for her, a few older boys making inappropriate comments to their friends. Remus actively tried not to glare at them. 

“Professor Peterson has kindly taken the position as Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. I trust you will treat her well. And with that, dessert!” 

Three huge, elaborately decorated cakes appeared on each table, one chocolate, one vanilla, and one strawberry, each accompanied by their matching flavor ice cream. Students swarmed each cake, which magically cut and served itself. The Gryffindor chocolate one just so happened to appear right in front of the boys. Remus took a piece and indulged, the sweet and familiar flavors calming him. He breathed in the scent, letting the chocolate fill his nostrils and suppress the other smells of the atmosphere. For the first time in the whole day, James, Sirius, and Peter were quiet as they scarfed down their own pieces. 

“First years! Listen up!” A girl’s voice interrupted their dessert eating. She climbed onto the bench and stood on it to make her taller. 

“I’m Alice Fortescue and this is Frank Longbottom,” she gestured to the boy standing next to her, who waved shyly. “We’re your fifth year prefects for this year. I'll talk more on the way up, but we’re gonna go ahead and bring you guys up to the dorms, so please finish up and then follow us,” she flashed a smile and then hopped off the bench, standing next to Frank for a moment while everyone hurriedly finished their plates. 

Remus, the other boys, and all of the first year Gryffindors followed Alice and Frank up many moving staircases and corridors to reach Gryffindor Tower. As they walked Alice explained how to remember the path and what they’re jobs were as prefects, while Frank took any opportunity he could to talk about Quidditch– which James, Peter and Sirius loved. 

“Hey, everyone! Password is ‘Quaffle’ to get in this month. Be aware it might change. Don’t want you guys to get locked out,” Frank called over the chatter as they reached the portrait of a fat lady that guarded Gryffindor Tower. The portrait swung open and all of the first years clambered in. 

“Wow,” Remus breathed as he took in his surroundings. The room was lit by firelight from the burning logs in the fireplace. Everything was red or gold: the couches, the walls, the armchairs, the rug. There were desks and tables lining the back wall and more comfortable furniture distributed throughout. It was warm and inviting, and for some reason Remus felt that despite just walking in, that this was his home. 

“Frank will lead the boys up the stairs to the left, and girls with me to the right. Your luggage and Gryffindor swag will be near your bed. Goodnight, boys!” Alice announced before telling the girls to follow her and leading them up the stairs. Frank did the same. He led them to a wooden door with a gold plaque labeled First Years and swung the door open. James ran in and screamed excitedly, Sirius running behind him, while Peter and Remus walked in slowly, taking in their surroundings. 

The room had four four-poster queen-sized beds, arranged in a circle around the round room. Just like the common room, a fire lit the room and everything was red and gold: The curtains around their beds, the bedding, the rug, even the tiles of the bathroom were a maroon. Remus noticed his things next to the bed in between Peter and Sirius and moved towards it. Each of them had a Gryffindor sweater, scarf, hat, and t-shirt, and all of their uniforms had been magically branded.

James and Sirius had already broken into a pillow fight and Peter announced that he was showering first since he was “soooo tired,” and James called it next, followed by Sirius, which left Remus to go last. He didn’t mind, really. He figured he’d write his letter to his parents while he waited. He fished his stationary out of his trunk and glasses out of his backpack before sitting on the ground and leaning against his wooden bedframe, zoning out his roommates as he wrote:

Mum and Dad, 

I’m a Gryffindor! And I swam across the lake with the three boys I sat on the train with. And we somehow all ended up in the same house so we’re roommates! It’s crazy odds, honestly. Their names are James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. So we were on the boat and James bet Sirius ten galleons to jump in and Sirius did and then flipped the boat and I CALLED IT!!! We had to swim all the way back to shore and we weren’t even halfway there. It was worth it, though, honestly. And we didn't get in trouble. I’m sitting in my dorm right now. On the floor because I haven't showered yet. I’m waiting for the others to go first. It’s so nice and cozy in here. There’s even a fireplace! In our bedroom! Hey, how come you never told me I’m supposed to call people by their last name! I had to figure it out on my own!!! Why is that? I don’t like it. Ummmmmmmmmmm. Sorry. That was a lot of m’s. I had pasta for dinner and chocolate cake for dessert. It was sooo good. How are you guys? I miss you already. I love you. Okay Sirius Black just got out of the shower so I’m gonna go now. I am really tired. 

Love, 

Remus

“What is that?” Sirius asked, looking over Remus’ shoulder as he addressed the letter. Remus raised an eyebrow. What the hell is he on about?

“...A letter?” 

“No, I’m not an idiot,” he shook his head and gestured to the ballpoint pen in Remus’ left hand. “What you’re writing with.” Remus wasn’t sure that Sirius’ former statement was accurate.

“Err– a pen?”

“Where is the ink?”

“Inside of it? Have you not seen a pen before?”

Sirius just shook his head. 

“Do you actually write with a fucking feather ? What is this? 1797?” He quipped as he sealed the envelope. Sirius laughed harder than he had all day. Remus' lips tugged into a smirk as he watched the dark haired boy double over in giggles. Remus stood up, his hip popping as he did so, and put the letter on his bedside table. He dug through his trunk to find pajama pants and a sweater to wear to bed and swung the clothes over his shoulder.

“What’s so funny!?” James called as he unpacked his trunk into his dresser.

“A pen, apparently,” Remus replied.

“A pin… like you stick in something?”

“Oh God help me,” Remus muttered under his breath, causing another roar from Sirius. Peter was sitting on his bed in blue-striped pajamas and staring off into space. 

“Yes, Lupin, in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black it is, apparently, 1797. I’ve never seen a pen before,” Sirius replied as he straightened up, eyes crinkled and watering with mirth. “Oh, Merlin, you’re funny,” he sighed, wiping a tear from his eye. Remus shrugged and smiled before making his way into the bathroom to shower. He glanced over to Peter, who was now passed out on top of his sheets. 

When he returned to the bedroom with wet hair and a sweater on, all of the lights were out besides his, everyone else clearly as exhausted as he was. He heard soft snores from Peter’s bed and rustles from James. Sirius was quiet. He climbed into his own sheets, kicking his feet around to loosen them up. The bed was actually quite comfortable. He leaned over and clicked off his lamp. He sighed and relaxed into the soft mattress, and a smile rose on his face as he drifted into sleep, thinking about how lucky he was to be here, with friends, who thought he was funny and who Remus thought were incredible. He felt so good that he almost forgot about the full that was in four days. Almost. 

When Remus woke around 3:00 am with a dull pain behind his eyes he immediately realized he wasn’t the only one conscious. Salt stung in his nose and a heartbeat thudded faintly in his ears. He heard a small sniffle, a suppressed, shaky breath. The scent was distinct, sharp, unmistakable. Sirius Black was awake, and he was scared. 

Chapter Text

Remus froze, unsure of what to do. Would it be overstepping to ask if he was okay? He knew he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep until Sirius was also. He laid awake for close to half an hour, staring at the ceiling and debating whether to say something or not, hoping that Sirius would calm down so he wouldn’t have to. Sirius did not. 

“Er, Sirius– Sorry– Black?” Remus cringed at himself and threw his hands over his face, dragging his cheeks down. Sirius sniffled and exhaled shakily. 

“Hmm?” he called back, clearly trying to steady his voice. 

“You alright?” Remus held his breath for the response, already mentally cursing himself for saying anything at all. 

“Y-yeah.”

The silence that filled the space was loud, every movement halted, both boys trapped in the awkward void of knowing . Sirius shuffled in his bed, the sheets rustling softly in the otherwise soundless room. Remus could still smell the salty tang of his tears, faint, but there. Sirius cleared his throat. 

“I-I’m okay. Just… bad dream, that's all,” Sirius said after a moment. 

“Oh… Do you need anything?”

“I’m good. Thanks, though.”

“...Okay.”

Remus turned onto his side and sighed to himself. That’s all I can do, I guess.

He fought with sleep until around 5:30 am, when Sirius had passed out and he was so exhausted that he couldn’t hold his eyelids open. 

An hour later, James Potter was awake. 

“Goooood morning, roomies!” James' sing-songy voice rang through the dormant room as he pushed open his curtains and got dressed. He was met with groans and a pillow tossed at him from Peter. James started singing a tune as he padded around the room, making his way to the bathroom.

“Shut up, James!” Peter grumbled, turning over and pulling his comforter over his head. 

“Aren’t you guys excited!? It’s our first day!” James replied, appalled that they did not want to start their day at seven in the morning. 

“We don’t even have anything to do until after lunch,” Peter retorted, his voice muffled into his bed. 

“Better early than late!”

“I believe the saying is, ‘better late than never,’ actually,” Sirius muttered sarcastically from his closed four poster.

“Ah, potato tomato!” James declared, still undeterred, a wide grin audible in his words.
“...James what’re you even saying right now,” Peter sighed, exasperated. Clearly he was used to and utterly done with James’ morning energy. He looked to Remus’ soundless bed and pointed at it, “How is Lupin sleeping through this?”

“I wish I was,” Sirius whined, rustling in his sheets. 

“No! Be happy to be awake and alive and ready for breakfast!”

“ No one is ready for breakfast, James,” Peter replied dryly.

“Nor ‘awake and alive,’” Sirius added.

“I am!”

“Then go.”

“Okay! Come with me!”

“No,” Peter replied immediately.

“Fine, I’ll go make new friends in the common room,” James huffed. 

“You do that,” Sirius called.

“See ya later!”

There was a murmur of replies before the door shut and both Peter and Sirius sighed.

“Is he always like that?” Sirius mumbled. 

“Yes. And he wonders why I never want to have sleepovers.”

***

The sun rose, and Sirius and Peter got out of bed and got ready for the day, but Remus was still sprawled in his bed, fast asleep. James came barging in declaring that they better stop being cranky and have breakfast before it was over, to which Sirius and Peter were awake enough to comply.

“Okay, well, I’m going to go get us spots, you guys meet me down there,” James told them before skipping down the stairs once more. 

“Should we wake him?” Peter whispered to Sirius, gesturing to Remus’ bed. 

“Nah, let’s just bring some breakfast back up for him and wake him up then. Pretty sure he was up late last night.” 

“Oh… Wonder why…” Peter pondered out loud, gazing towards Remus. 

“Probably just a new place or whatever. Let’s go before Potter comes back to harass us,” Sirius said with a laugh as he hit Peter playfully on the shoulder and they made their way downstairs together.

***

Remus woke up to an empty room. He stretched, assessed his body for pain, and sat up slowly, staring off and blinking slowly. He had a vague memory of James singing and the others arguing but he had tried his best to ignore them. The emptiness implied they had gone to eat, so Remus took his time getting up. He swung one foot after the other out of the covers and lingered for a moment on the edge of his bed, rubbing his eyes until he saw colors. He finally got up and fished for jeans and a sweater from his unpacked trunk before walking to the bathroom to wash his face and get dressed. 

As he re-emerged from the bathroom he heard overlapping voices and laughs getting increasingly louder as his roommates made their way upstairs. He quickly looked for something to look busy with so he wouldn’t just be standing there and rushed to his trunk to pretend to have been unpacking. He threw some clothes on his bed and started shoving things in his drawers just as they walked in. 

“Luuuuupin!” James sang as he opened the door, “We have breakfast for youuu!”

Remus looked up as the others filed in behind him, wielding platters of breakfast foods. Remus blinked at the sight. He didn’t expect anyone to go out of their way for him, especially not one day after meeting him. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, unsure how to respond and trying to suppress the growing warmth in his cheeks.

“You didn’t have to…” Remus murmured with a sheepish smile.

“Well, you were really asleep,” Peter shrugged. 

“And considering how you ate last night…” Sirius started. 

“We thought you might be hungry!” James finished with a flashy grin. 

“That’s… That’s really nice. Thanks,” Remus said, watching Peter and Sirius place the trays on his desk.  

“Of course!” James beamed. 

Remus evaluated the options: eggs, toast, bacon, french toast, breakfast sandwich, and… waffles! He sat down and picked up the fork, cutting the waffle into small pieces and then pushing all of them into the center of the plate. He glanced up and saw Sirius staring at him amusedly. He cocked his head in question and Sirius just smiled back. Whatever. Remus urged himself not to analyze it too deeply.

“So, after lunch we get to go through our class schedule to learn where everything is and meet our professors,” James said, reading off of a piece of paper. 

“Yeah, we know,” Peter replied dryly.

“Well, what should we do until then?” James pondered, looking around the room. “I know! We should play a game to get to know each other better!”

“What game?” Sirius asked. 

“Ermm. Any ideas?”

“Truth or Dare?” Peter suggested with a shrug. 

“What’s that?” Sirius questioned. 

“You ask a person, ‘Truth or dare?’ and they have to do or answer whatever you tell them to,” James explained, “You guys up for it?” He smiled, pointing between Remus and Sirius. 

Remus stayed busy with his waffles. He didn’t like the idea of possibly incriminating himself. I could always just lie. Have to get used to it anyway. He looked towards Sirius, who seemed to be having similar reservations. But Sirius looked up at James, smiled widely and exclaimed, “Hell yeah!” 

“Alright! Lupin?”

“Er— I dunno. I have a lot of unpacking and… stuff,” Remus trailed off. He wiped his nose on his sleeve just to do something and then moved his attention back to his waffles.

“Okay, well just jump in whenever you want to, then,” James said with a sweet smile. The three of them arranged themselves in a circle and Remus watched as he ate. 

“Okay. Black, truth or dare?” James started. 

“Dare!” 

“Okay. Hmm… I dare you to jump into the lake again, BUT– from your broom during flying lessons,” James smirked. Ugh. Remus had forgotten they had to take flying lessons. The idea of flying around on a broom felt incredibly embarrassing.  

“Haha alright!”

“From how high?” Peter asked, “It’s important to specify!”

“Good point. Like ten feet off, I suppose. Or fifteen– as long as it’s safe,” James replied, eyebrows furrowed in thought, “Oh! And do a flip off of your broom!”

“I’ll try, Potter. Was never a gymnast, though.”

“Okay your turn now!” 

Remus was very glad that he wasn’t playing. He was not too interested in doing stupid shit for no particular reason. He finished eating and stood up to start actually putting his things away. His muscles were starting to fatigue with the approaching moon, his limbs a little heavier and joints a little squeakier, but it wasn’t too bad yet. He unloaded his uniforms (which had now been magically branded with Gryffindor crests), his sweaters (which wouldn’t all fit, so he had to leave some in his trunk), his other clothes (mostly pajama pants), and his books. He arranged them on the shelves in no particular order, humming Bowie’s “Space Oddity” softly to himself. 

With every loud laugh from the group Remus felt a pang of envy. How could it be so easy for them? Their conversation flowed so naturally, no room for awkward silence or uncomfortable laughter, while for him he felt as though every word he spoke had to be carefully crafted and calculated; everything tied to his secret, to the monster that he truly was. He shoved a pair of wool socks into a drawer and tried to block out their laughter, separating their world from his own. They were a reminder of what he couldn’t be, of what he wasn’t: Normal. 

 He played songs in his head and shoved stationary in desk drawers. He left all of the stupid feathers his dad made him get in his trunk. Why this magical world was stuck in the 18th century was unknown to Remus, but he would not be overcomplicating his life for no reason. He dumped out his backpack on his bed and picked up his wand for the first time since he shoved it in his backpack after he bought it. He flipped it in his hand a few times, feeling the magic pulse in its core, before placing it on his desk and moving on to the other contents of his bag.

 When he was finally done the boys were still playing and Remus still didn’t want to. He put on his glasses, browsed his bookshelf and picked up “Little Women.” He must have read it a thousand times but he loved it, mostly because his mum loved it and it reminded him of her. He clambered into his bed and arranged his pillows so he could curl up and slip into another reality until lunch.

“Oi! Lupin! Truth or dare?” James called. 

Shit. 

“Oh. Er– I was just gonna read…” 

“Come on! It’ll be fun,” Sirius smiled. 

“I dare you to come play,” Peter giggled at his own wordplay. 

“I guess…” Remus mumbled, taking off his glasses and setting them on his nightstand. He closed his book and slowly left his oasis, glancing at it longingly as he moved towards the circle and sat on the ground in between Peter and Sirius. Fuck. Why. Why? Why did you say yes? Literally what the hell is wrong with you. Stupid motherfu–

“Truth or dare?” James asked again. 

“Err…” Dare means something stupid. Truth… they can’t possibly ask something that would cause me to slip up? Right? “Truth, I guess.”

“Okay, what was your first impression of everyone when we met on the train?”

Remus thought for a minute, making sure not to say anything mean. “You were loud and inviting, Peter: quiet and funny, Sirius: confident and cool. Also loud.”

“Checks,” Peter smiled with a shrug as James giggled.

“Observant and witty,” Sirius said. 

“What?” Remus asked, puzzled. 

“That was my first impression of you. 

“Oh.” 

“Not that you asked but…”

Remus laughed awkwardly and looked down. 

“Okay now you ask someone, Lupin!” James beamed. 

“Erm. Peter. Sorry—Pettigrew,” Remus cringed at his awkwardness.

“Truth. I already have enough dares accumulated,” Peter replied, throwing dramatically sharp glares at James and Sirius who giggled. 

“Okay. Um. I dunno— What’s your favorite color?” Remus fidgeted with his sleeve. 

“BORING.”

“BOOOO!”

“Alright, jeez!” Remus said, throwing up his hands in surrender. “Favorite book?” 

“LUPIN.”

“UGHHHH. ASK SOMETHING JUICY!” Sirius groaned dramatically. 

“I don’t know! You come up with something!”

“That’s not how you play. You can come up with something, I know it,” James replied with a wink. 

“What’s…What’s something you’re really good at?” Remus said alas, not meeting anyone’s eye. Sirius and James nodded approvingly and Peter looked off as he thought of a reply. 

“Wizards chess, I guess. Do you two play?” Peter asked Remus and Sirius. 

“I know how, yeah,” Remus replied. 

“Yeah, same.”  

“He beats me every time,” James groaned. 

Peter giggled and shrugged. “I said I’m good!” Peter looked at each of the boys, deciding who to ask next. “Lupin!”

“Again?! I just went!” 

“But you haven’t been playing,” Sirius pointed out. 

“I’m aware,” Remus replied, annoyed. He was trying to hide it, but the moon irritability was setting in. He bit the inside of his cheek. 

“So we know the least about you…” Sirius explained. 

“Okay fine whatever. Truth again.” 

“Hm. What do you think muggles do better than wizards?”

“Write. Feathers? Feathers?” Remus replied almost immediately. For no reason in particular, the fact that Wizards, people with literal magic, wrote with feathers and ink pots frustrated Remus. It just felt so superfluous .  

Sirius laughed as hard as he did the night before when he had asked Remus what a pen was. Peter burst into a fit of giggles and James asked how muggles wrote. Remus got up to grab paper out of a notebook and the pen he opened yesterday to show them. They all ogled over it, taking turns writing their names and doodling. Remus observed them, chuckling to himself at their amazement at something so simple . He retrieved the ten pack of ballpoint pens and threw one at each of them. 

“Thanks!” James said enthusiastically, immediately uncapping it and drawing on the page next to Sirius, who kept the original pen Remus had brought out. 

“This really is way more convenient than a quill!” Peter exclaimed. 

Remus moved to sit down on his bed, laced up his converse, and grabbed his letter to his parents from his bedside table before heading towards the door without a word to the others. 

“Oi! Where are you going, Lupin?” Sirius called, looking up from the paper Remus had given them.

“To mail this,” Remus held up the letter. 

“We’ll go with you! We went to the owlery after breakfast, I can show you where it is,” James said. 

“Oh, that’s okay… I can–”

“I’ll go with you. I need to mail something, anyway,” Sirius said suddenly.

“Why didn’t you mail it earlier when we went?” James asked him, his expression curious. 

“Because I forgot about it,” Sirius shrugged as he got up and fetched an envelope from his desk and walked to meet Remus.

“Okay, see you guys later, then, I guess,” James said contently. 

“Bye! James, play me at chess.” 

“UGH. I’ll just lose!”

“That’s the point!”

Remus giggled as he closed the door and the two boys made their way down to the common room. Remus saw the redhead girl from the train sitting on an armchair reading “Little Women,” and he immediately wanted to be her friend. She looked up as they walked past her, and Remus waved and smiled. Lily looked up and smiled softly at him, but then glanced at Sirius and rolled her eyes and returned her attention back to the book. Remus frowned slightly, remembering how Sirius and James had behaved towards her and her friend. He followed Sirius mindlessly out of the dorm and around the castle, wondering how he could make it up to Lily while still being friends with James and Sirius. 

“Uhm,” Sirius cleared his throat once they had made it to an unoccupied corridor. “Lupin?”

Remus jumped. He forgot Sirius was with him. “Hm?”

“I don’t really have a letter to mail. I just. I dunno how to say this. I wanted to say sorry about last night. Keeping you up and all…”

Oh. Remus didn’t know what to say. They walked in silence for a moment before Remus spoke. 

“No, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. I didn’t really feel well, anyway. It wasn’t just you,” Remus assured him, watching his feet click on the tiles. 

“Well, sorry anyway.”

They continued walking without a word, all the way to the owlery. Remus picked an owl (a small brown chubby one), attached the letter, and gave it a pat on the head, watching it take off through the window. Sirius threw his empty envelope in the trash. 

They started back towards the dormitory, their overlapping footsteps echoing through the almost empty corridors. 

“Lupin?”

“Black.”

“Do you… Do you ever get like… like that ?” Sirius asked quietly.

Remus thought for a moment. The answer was yes, he did. But was that too vulnerable? Would Sirius ask him to explain? He wasn’t asking Sirius to explain so he ought not ask him, right? He didn’t want to look weak. But he didn’t want Sirius to feel weak, either. 

“…Yeah.” His voice was quiet; low and barely audible. Sirius nodded and they continued walking back to Gryffindor Tower without another word.

“Mr. Lupin?” A voice called as they passed a classroom. 

“Er… Yes?”

Professor McGonagall emerged from the room, towering over the boys. She greeted Sirius before asking Remus to speak with her privately. She smiled at him, but it was sad and pitiful, and Remus knew exactly the conversation they were about to have. His stomach fluttered with dread and anxiety as he waved to Sirius and started to follow the woman back into the classroom.

“I’ll wait for you?” Sirius questioned, eyebrows raised as he nodded suggestively to the hallway.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I dunno how long I’ll be.”

“Okay. Meet us at lunch, yeah?”

“Yeah, for sure.”

“Thanks, Lupin.”

Thanks? Remus quirked an eyebrow in confusion but just nodded and turned after McGonagall. The classroom was full with tables and chairs, a strong smell of magic wafting through it. Remus thought of the generations of students that learned magic here. 

“Are you settling in alright, Remus?” She asked as they walked through her room and towards the large door to her office. The smell grew as they got closer. Remus accredited it to it being McGonagall’s, since she was a powerful witch.

“Hm? Oh, yeah.”

“You like your dorm mates?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Good, good.” She opened the door to her office and Remus’ eyes widened as he gulped. Albus Dumbledore sat in McGonagall’s chair and a woman in a healer’s uniform stood next to him. There’s the smell.

“Remus! Lovely to see you again. Please, have a seat,” Dumbledore greeted with that same twinkle in his eye, gesturing towards the armchair opposite of him. “This is Madame Pomfrey, she will be your healer while you are here at Hogwarts,” he said, gesturing to the woman, who smiled sweetly. 

“Hello, Remus. It’s great to finally meet you.”

Remus’ eyes flickered between the three adults. He felt very trapped, as if something was smothering him and he couldn’t escape. His gaze moved to the doorknob but he didn’t dare try to leave. He felt his heart pounding in his chest. He urged himself to call down. He didn’t understand why he was reacting this way. These people had gone out of their way to help him but all he wanted was to run away. 

“We don’t mean to frighten you, Remus. We simply would like to go over the routine for full moons and assure you that we are here to help you, no matter what,” Dumbledore paused, his blue eyes fixed on Remus. “We’ve spoken with your parents and they told us your symptoms as they are aware, but they also told us you tend to downplay your illness and keep quiet about how you are feeling. Please do not hesitate to tell Madame Pomfrey if you feel ill. She has a great supply of potions and treatments for many of your symptoms as you approach and recover from moons.” 

Remus looked at his shoes and wiped his sleeve over his nose.

Pomfrey spoke next. “Now, for the moons, we’ve had a secret passageway installed underneath the Whomping Willow, which you heard about during Dumbledore’s welcome speech—”

Remus looked up, eyebrows furrowed as he recalled his warning about the tree. “Didn’t you say it would ‘Whomp us into the infirmary?’” he asked, looking at Dumbledore. Dumbledore laughed airily— whether at his own joke or the fact Remus remembered it was unknown. 

“Yes, yes I did say that. It’s true! Unless you know how to calm it, which you will,” he replied with a wink. 

Pomfrey continued, “Yes, there is a knot that will calm the tree and allow you and I to slip through a tunnel—” Remus bolted upright in his seat, eyes wide with fear. 

“You can’t be with me! I-I’ll kill you—”

“Just to get you there safely, darling. I cannot stay with you, I’m aware. But I will be there to fetch you in the mornings as soon as I am able to safely,” she explained with a solemn smile.

Remus relaxed back into his seat. “And we have a private suite in the hospital wing for you, so that no one will know of your injuries or disappearances. Just make me aware of whatever story you’re using for the month, so that I can shoo away your friends without accidentally making you look like a liar,” She stopped, reading Remus’ expression. “How do you feel now?”

“Oh–err…alright.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

“Truly?”

“Yeah.” He avoided her gaze, eyes flickering about the office. The shelves had cat sculptures which he found quite adorable. 

Pomfrey met McGonagall’s eyes and they exchanged pitiful expressions. 

“All of your professors are aware and understanding of your ailment, however we know how bright you are and it will be no excuse for slacking off and poor marks,” McGonagall said sternly, though her eyes were kind. Remus appreciated the normalcy of her statement, that he was expected no less than anyone else. It was what he always wanted; to be treated the same as everyone else, to be held to the same standard as his classmates, and it was nice to hear that he would be. He smiled bigger than he would’ve liked and nodded his head. McGonagall attempted to stay serious, but the corners of her lips tugged upwards at the sight of Remus’ lit up eyes. 

“My hope is that most of the time you can remain in class until around lunch on the days of the full and return the next evening after dinner, but of course that will depend on your state,” Madame Pomfrey continued to explain, her eyes scanning Remus for discomfort. “I am excited to be able to help you, Remus, truly. I hope I make your lycanthropy easier to manage. I’ve been doing a lot of research… I’d like you to visit me tomorrow or Saturday, okay? In the hospital wing.”

Remus nodded compliantly. 

“We won’t keep you any longer, Remus. Know that we are here for you, whatever that may mean,” Dumbledore winked and looked to McGonagall and Pomfrey, prompting any last words. 

“Welcome to Hogwarts, Remus,” McGonagall smiled softly as she opened the door and gestured out of the office. Remus got up slowly and walked towards it, exiting the door frame before turning to say, “Er- Thanks. All of you.”

“No need, dear,” Pomfrey assured him, and the others nodded in agreement with her. Remus paused for a second and looked at each of them, their expressions full of pity. He pressed his lips into a line and exited the classroom, bumping into a desk on his way out. He heard giggles from the office and became red in the face with embarrassment. 

“Adorable, he is!” He heard Pomfrey exclaim, which only flustered him more.  

He quickened his pace as he walked down the empty corridors, glancing at the walls until he found a clock. 11:30. Still time before lunch. He decided he wouldn’t go back to the dorm so that he could say the meeting was short and he just explored until lunch, which would kind of be true. He wandered the corridors trying to think of an excuse as to what the meeting would have been for and admiring the hundreds of paintings. Some of them greeted him, and he’d smile and wave and they’d call him cute or precious. He’d blush and keep walking. 

“Hey, Remus!” 

Remus jumped and turned to face the voice. “It’s me, Naomi, remember?” Remus nodded slowly and the head girl smiled and caught up to him, leaving her group of friends behind. “You heading to the Great Hall?” Remus nodded again. “Great! I’ll walk with you.”

Remus knew she thought he was lost. He was not lost. He may not have known exactly where he was, but he could smell the food filling the Great Hall and follow it. 

“How are you settling in? Crazy you and your compartment mates ended up in the same house! Picked a good spot for you, didn’t I?” She nudged him on the shoulder with her elbow. Remus laughed awkwardly. He appreciated her kindness but he really wanted to be alone; not make awkward small talk with the head girl. He didn’t say anything, and she continued to walk alongside him, pointing out certain paintings or hallways and explaining them. Remus just nodded and said “cool” or “ohh”.  He very much wanted to get away from her. He didn’t really know why, he just did. She felt smothering, like a grown-up talking to a four year old. He was not a toddler.

“And here’s the Great Hall! Thanks for walking with me, Remus,” she smiled and Remus returned it before hurrying to Gryffindor’s table and scanning it for his roommates. 

“LUPIN! OVER HERE!” James bellowed across the hall. Remus’ cheeks flushed red and he threw his hand over his face. He looked down and made his way towards them, watching his brown converse against the tile and consciously trying not to trip. 

“What was that about?” Sirius asked immediately. He was sitting next to James, across from Remus and Peter. 

“Oh. Nothing.” Fuck. Wow. Good job. Nice excuse. Nothing? Nothing?!

“Can’t possibly have been about nothing ,” Sirius said with a smirk. 

“Mm. Well it was,” Remus replied dryly, taking a bite from a mini sandwich. That probably sounded mean, but he didn’t really care. If he was standoffish about it they were less likely to pry. James, Sirius, and Peter exchanged “who-spat-in-his-tea” glances and carried on with their own meals and conversation. Remus was quiet, eavesdropping on both his roommates and the girls in his year who were sitting next closest to him, but not really listening. 

***

The day went well. After lunch they received their schedules and visited their classes to meet the teacher and get the syllabus. Remus enjoyed all of the teachers, there wasn’t one he didn’t like so far. He was not thrilled to hear more about the mandatory flying lessons but at least it was only for first year. He didn’t say much to anyone until dinner, when he ate more pasta and laughed with his friends about his large plate. And when Sirius got the letter.

It flew in with a few other packages, the bright red envelope hovering in front of Sirius’ face. Sirius' smile dropped, his hands shaking as he put down his fork. Conversation halted all around them and Sirius’ eyes widened with fear. His breath shook as he inhaled and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the impact. 

“SIRIUS ORION BLACK,” It screeched, its voice shrill as a Banshee. “YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK. GRYFFINDOR! NOT EVEN YOUR FILTHY MUDBLOOD MARRYING COUSIN WAS A GRYFFINDOR. AND TO THINK MY SON. YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, SIRIUS BLACK. WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER? EXPECT PUNISHMENT UPON YOUR RETURN.”

Silence filled the room, null for snickers from the Slytherin table. The letter burned up in flames and the ashes littered Sirius’ placemat. All eyes were on him, wide and awaiting his reaction. Sirius was frozen, but only for a moment. He began laughing. It was hollow, almost humorless, head tilted back and loud . Some laughed with him, some continued their own conversation, others hushed rehashing of the events. James, Peter, and Remus exchanged concerned looks and James grabbed Sirius on the shoulder. 

“Sirius, mate. Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah!” Sirius managed through laughter. He sounded insane .

“Do you wanna talk?” James asked, his hand unmoving from atop his shoulder.

“About what?” Sirius said with a mirthless smile after he had calmed down. Remus just looked at him, not knowing what to say or how to go about anything. He didn’t eat anything else that night. His mind raced, trying to come up with a way to help Sirius. Whatever punishment she spoke of seemed much worse than a taken away book or having to do the dishes.

That night, Sirius had another nightmare. Once he was back asleep, Remus slipped a bar of chocolate onto his nightstand. Sirius didn’t acknowledge it, but it was gone the next morning. 

On Friday, James, Sirius, and Peter went to the open-broom to play pick-up quidditch. They insisted Remus join them but Remus told them that he wasn’t feeling well and took the opportunity to go see Madame Pomfrey like she had asked him to. 

He walked into the infirmary (after taking a wrong turn more times than he’d like to admit) and Pomfrey approached him as soon as he crossed the double doors, greeting him enthusiastically.

“Remus, dear! I was hoping I’d see you today. How’re you feeling?” She quizzed, grabbing his cheeks and looking over him as if checking for injuries. 

“Good.”

“Be honest, darling. I have a lot of potions I could give you… Even just a pepper-up– for energy. Oh! Let me show you your room,” She waved for him to follow her into a door marked “Suite One.” Remus walked in expecting another sterile and uninviting hospital room, but it wasn’t. His bed was in the center of the room, larger than a typical hospital bed. There were a few bookshelves, a dresser with a record player and some vinyls, posters of musicians plastered on the walls, and a few framed photographs of his family. The bed had a folded quilt, which he immediately recognized as his mum’s handiwork. He walked over towards it, a pink sticky note catching his attention. 

Love you, Remy :)

Mum and Dad. 

Remus smiled and stashed the note in his pocket. 

“We figured you’d spend a lot of time here. We wanted to make it as comfortable as possible…”

“Thank you!” Remus said, still taking in his surroundings. He could tell it was mostly his mother who did this, but he was no less appreciative. He smiled brightly. 

“Now, I know you said you felt fine, but I’d like you to take this because I know that you don’t. Muscle pain, joint pain, exhaustion— It’ll help, I promise,” she said, holding out a cup with a pink substance. He smiled and took it. It tasted like strawberries, but he could taste the underlying medicinal flowers and magical aides, so it wasn’t as tasty as it was likely meant to be. 

“I’ve been doing research with the Aconite flower, more commonly known as Wolfsbane. I’ve added some to a classic pepper-up with a mix of ibuprofen— a common Muggle pain reliever–” Remus thought that was interesting. From what he had picked up, the Magical and non-Magical worlds were not to be mixed. “–Wizards always forget that Muggles invent useful things, too. I.V. 's administer a constant flow of potion directly into the bloodstream— so useful. Anyway, yeah. That’s what you just drank. Let me know how it helps when I see you on Sunday,” she rambled, eyeing Remus closely. He nodded appreciatively and she ushered him out of the door.

Remus spent the rest of the day reading books in the common room next to—but without interaction with—Lily Evans. It was weirdly nice, Remus thought, to be in each other's company without the pressure of awkward conversation. Maybe it was only him that felt that way, but he didn’t let himself dwell on it. She smiled and bade him goodnight, and he did the same. 

That night, Sirius had another nightmare. 

Remus slipped another chocolate bar on his nightstand.  

On Saturday, Remus felt sick. He went to Pomfrey for another dose of the pink concoction and felt a little better. He skipped his meals and spent the day in bed, eating chocolate, sleeping, and reading. He told the boys he was feeling sick and that if he didn’t feel better tomorrow that he would go to the hospital wing. James brought him up meals, but Remus didn’t eat them. In fact, he brought them down to the common room, the smell alone nauseating him to the point of gagging. He stifled tears. He missed his mum. This was the first moon he’d have to face without her. Without her cuddles and kisses and soup. 

James brought up a letter for him from lunch, which he waited to open until the others had gone to dinner. 

Remy, 

We are so proud of you! A true Gryffindor, you are. We’re sorry we can’t be with you this weekend, Re. It’s hard for all of us, but better for you in the long run. We hope you are feeling alright. Madame Pomfrey is one of the best healers we’ve ever met, don’t be too shy to ask for a pick-me-up. She’s extremely intelligent. We love you– send more letters! We loved your story about your new friends. We laughed so hard— can’t wait to hear of more adventures. We’re so happy you’ve already started out so strong, Re. Keep being yourself, darling. 

Lots of love,

Mum and Dad 

P.S. I forgot about the whole surname thing. Don’t worry about it too much, Re. Most people won’t mind if you call them by their first name, especially your dorm mates. It’s just a formality thing. Me and my roommates were on a first name basis within a few days. Well, except they called me ‘Lu,’ so I never really got off the surname thing haha. Like I said— Don’t worry about it. 

Dad

Remus couldn’t find the energy to write something back. He read the letters over and over until he fell asleep around eight, holding the parchment like a teddy bear. The others weren’t even back in the dorm from dinner.

***

The transformation. 

The snap of his bones and ligaments, his screaming turned to howls. The wolf, full fledged. Large, bloodthirsty. Sniffing the air for human flesh. 

His parents. 

Dead. Lying in blood. Torn apart. By him. His claws tore into their already pale skin, his mother’s heart in his mouth. His father face down with his spine exposed.

Sirius. 

Sirius being eaten by wolves that resemble him. His parents. They were his parents. Ripping him apart, limb by limb. His mad laughter haunting the room until his last, choking breath, blood spluttering from his mouth. 

James and Peter. 

Running.

Running from him– The Wolf.

He gets a hold of James. He bites him in the stomach, piercing his skin. James’ screams fill the night. It’s too late. He’s been afflicted. It would be better to die. Peter escapes, but not for long. The wolf pounces after him, leaving James to a cursed life or death. It doesn’t take long to catch up to Peter. He lunges forward, his ankle locked in his jaws.

“Please, Remus! Please–”

***

Remus awoke with a sharp gasp and sat up straight in his bed, his heart pounding in his ears. He looked at his shaking hands, confirming to himself that they were, in fact, hands . Not claws. He sighed in relief, wiping the tears that streamed down his face. It was just a dream, he repeated to himself, pulling his knees to his chest. But that other voice told him that it would not always be just a dream, that one day it would be reality. He told the voice to shut up, to just let him sleep, but he knew that this close to the moon it was an impossible thing to ask. He tried to steady his breathing, counting to himself as his mother had taught him. In, two, three; Out, two, three; In, two, three…

“Lupin?” Sirius called, his voice echoing across the wooden floors. Remus was quiet, debating whether or not to answer. 

“Lupin!” Sirius repeated, his voice a frantic whisper. 

“Y-yeah?” Remus replied, his own voice low and raspy.

“You alright?”

“Yeah.”

“Bad dream?”

“Yeah.”

“Me, too.”

There was silence for a moment before Sirius called out again. 

“Lupin?”

“Yeah?”

“Wanna go to the common room and get tea?”

“…Okay.”

“Okay.”