Chapter Text
The house felt wrong.
Sirius stood in the middle of the grand living room of the Potter’s home- the same room he had spent countless hours in over the years. The high, arched windows let the light stream in, as always, painting the walls with a golden glow, but it didn’t seem to reach him. Nothing did. The space, once filled with laughter, chatter and warmth, was now cold despite the sunlight.
People moved in hushed circles, speaking in voices too soft to be heard and all dressed in black, their faces full of pity. Sirius wanted to run. To leave. To scream.
“ How could you leave me alone with all these people? ” Sirius thought bitterly, his eyes scanning the room. He was looking for something he wasn’t going to find. “ You know I hate crowds. I don’t even know half of these people and they keep talking to me like we’re old friends. I swear, if one more person tells me how much they’ll miss you, Prongs… ”
He forced a smile as another guest approached, their face blurred by Sirius’s disinterest. He didn’t care what they were saying- the words barely registered. Something about James. Something about loss. But they didn’t know. None of them knew anything about it.
Sirius’s fingers itched at the collar of his dress shirt. “ I’m wearing a tie, Prongs, ” he thought, almost incredulous. “ A tie . Can you believe that? You’d be laughing your ass off if you were here. ” He tugged at the knot, loosening it just slightly, but not enough to draw attention.
He glanced around again, looking for… What? Comfort? Understanding? He wasn’t sure. None of these people would truly understand what he was mourning. None of them knew James Potter the way he did. None of them were known by James Potter like he was.
“ I don’t know what I’m doing, ” Sirius admitted silently, swallowing hard as another pair of mournful eyes met his. “ I would if you were here. You’d know how to make all these people stop talking about you in the past tense. ”
He saw Lily near the far wall, her arms wrapped around herself. It was strange to see her in her black dress and heels- long red hair soft and loose around her shoulders. He tried to remember the last time he’d seen her in anything other than work out gear and messy buns. Pete stood beside her, his head bowed and hands fiddling with his glass. His bowtie was slightly crooked.
“ They’re not you, ” Sirius thought keenly, his chest tightening. “ None of them are you. ”
His jaw tightened as he felt a hand on his shoulder- too familiar, too close. He didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. James’s cousin, that obnoxious bastard who always lingered too long in conversations, whose hand always seemed to drift just a bit too far down Sirius’s back.
“ How could you leave me alone with your pervy cousin? You know I can’t handle him. ”
Ducking out of the man’s reach he moved to the dining room. He spotted Effie standing near the staircase. She looked smaller than he remembered, the grief hanging heavy in her eyes, in the set of her shoulders. Their eyes met for a moment and Sirius felt frozen. There was so much in that look- so much that was familiar, too much that was familiar. He looked away, his heart pounding.
“ How could you leave her like this? How could you leave me like this? ” Sirius thought, swallowing hard, his hands trembling at his sides. “ I can’t even look at her without feeling like I’m drowning. And she… she’s your mom, Prongs. She’s the one who gave you that stupid laugh and taught you how to be everything good. ”
Another guest approached, murmuring something about how much James had meant to them, about how much he would be missed. Sirius’s ears buzzed, the words blurring into the background. All he could think about was James. The way he’d grin and throw an arm around Sirius’s shoulder, the way he could make any room feel brighter, like the sun had followed him inside.
“Thank you for coming,” he rasped for what felt like the thousandth time. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror across the room- his face pale, his eyes dull and his tie coming undone. He looked like a stranger in this place. A stranger in a home that had always felt like his second skin.
“ I’d know what to do if you were here ,” he thought, the ache in his chest spreading and tightening. “ But you’re not. And I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. ”
The room felt like it was beginning to close in on Sirius, the air growing thick with whispered condolences and too many hands on his shoulder, his back, brushing against his arm. He could feel their touches, light but constant- like gnats swarming around him and each one made his skin crawl a little more. His throat tightened and he knew he was going mute, the buzzing in his ears grew louder, drowning out the fragmented conversations swirling around him.
He couldn’t breathe.
Someone else approached, their hand reaching out to rest on his arm and Sirius flinched, a sharp involuntary reaction he barely contained. His lungs felt tight, his heart hammering in his chest as he struggled to keep the pathetic smile on his face- the mask of calm he’d been wearing for hours now. But it was slipping. He could feel it cracking around the edges and he knew- he knew if one more person touched him, said one more thing, he’d break.
“‘S-Scuse me,” he stuttered out, turning and slipping through the crowd and towards the stairs. He could hear voices behind him, people calling his name, but he ignored them. His vision tunneled, focusing on the staircase at the far end of the room- his escape route. His breath was coming in short, shallow bursts, his pulse now pounding in his ears.
As soon as his foot hit the first step, the noise below faded slightly, the crowd thinning as he went up. It wasn’t enough. He needed more distance, more space. He needed to be alone. Sirius climbed faster, his fingers gripping the bannister as he took the steps two at a time. He moved quickly down the hallway, as far away from the voices and the people as he could.
He managed to make it to the bathroom at the end, his fingers fumbling for the doorknob before slipping inside and closing the door behind him with a soft click. The quiet hit him like a wave, the sudden absence of sound almost deafening. He leaned back against the door, his chest heaving as he struggled to catch his breath, his hands trembling.
For a moment Sirius stood there, his back pressed against the cool wood of the door, eyes shut as he let the silence settle around him. The faint hum of voices from downstairs was muffled now, distant and yet it was still too close for comfort.
His eyes flicked toward the bathtub and without thinking he moved toward it, his feet feeling heavy and exhausted. He slipped into the tub, his body sinking down into the porcelain basin. As soon as he was seated he reached for the shower curtain. With a quick tug, he pulled it closed, the dark grey fabric falling between him and the rest of the world. The faint light filtering through the curtain cast soft shadows around him, enclosing him in a small cocoon of solitude. He felt a bit like a little kid- hiding under the bed, seeking safety and protection from a storm.
Sirius drew in a long, shuddering breath, his head falling back against the cool edge of the tub. His knees were pulled to his chest, arms wrapped around them as he curled up, trying to make himself as small as possible. The tension in his body slowly began to ebb, the tightness in his chest loosening, but the ache- that soul deep ache, remained, gnawing at him like an open wound that was never going to heal.
The bathroom was quiet, save for the soft sound of Sirius’s breathing, the occasional creak of the house settling. He let the silence wrap around him like a blanket, trying to block out the world beyond the curtain. Here, in this small, confined space, he could breathe again. He could pretend, for just a moment, that none of this was real.
The bathroom door clattered open gracelessly, jolting Sirius from his fragile calm. His heart leapt into his throat as he froze, pressing himself further into the tub, his breathing catching again. Whoever had burst in clearly had no intention of being quiet.
“Oh, God, you’re so bad,” a voice giggled, low and breathy, followed by the unmistakable sound of lips crashing together, bodies pressing into one another. Sirius’s eyes snapped open, wide with shock, heart hammering now in disbelief.
Seriously? Here ?
He stayed perfectly still, not daring to move a muscle, the curtain shielding him from view. They hadn’t noticed him. The voices, the kissing and what sounded like way too much tongue, filled the small bathroom as the two intruders continued their clumsy attempt at a makeout session.
“Sh, someone might come in,” one of them whispered, though they didn’t particularly sound concerned. There was more giggling, more rustling, as though they were trying to-
Sirius’s pulse quickened, the disbelief quickly giving way to rage. This is not happening . He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the situation to end, but the kissing only sounded like it was moving towards other parts of the bodies now. The wet, sloppy sounds echoed off the tiled walls and Sirius clenched his teeth, his fingers digging into the sides of the tub.
“Come on, we really shouldn’t… Not here,” the second voice whispered, breathless, trying to sound like they had some semblance of restraint, but it was clear they were half-heartedly protesting.
Sirius recognized that voice now. It was one he’d heard countless times before. And just as intimately.
Of course it had to be him .
“Here, let’s calm down a bit,” the familiar voice muttered. There was the soft flick of a lighter. “Do you want a hit?”
Sirius’s nostrils flared as the distinct smell of weed wafted through the air and he heard the second guy take a deep inhale, coughing slightly.
“Damn,” the other voice croaked, a little rougher than before. “That’s good. Not exactly what I wanted to be sucking on, though.”
“Well… the day is still young.” Sirius could practically hear the smirk in his voice. He could see it easily in his mind and that only made the situation worse. His annoyance deepened, simmering beneath the surface as he sat there, trapped in the tub.
The second guy, still wheezing a bit from the hit, coughed again before clearing his throat. “You, uh, gonna give me your number, then? I mean… maybe we could go out sometime. Go somewhere to actually talk without all the crying around?”
Sirius rolled his eyes. This guy. Really? He wasn’t sure if he was more annoyed by the audacity or the sheer stupidity of the situation. The momentary peace he had craved was now thoroughly ruined.
The familiar voice laughed, a smooth, dismissive sound. “Yeah, look, I’m not really in the market for anything like that right now. Y’know, I’ve got a lot going on. Not really anything you wanna tie your wagon to.” He said it with the kind of effortless cool that meant he wasn’t interested but didn’t want to embarrass the other guy too much. Sirius could almost hear the poor sap’s disappointment through the curtain.
“Oh, right. Yeah, sure. Maybe some other time,” he muttered, clearly deflated but trying to play it off like it didn’t sting. He shuffled awkwardly, and Sirius heard the faint sound of clothes being adjusted, buttons being redone.
“Alright, well… I better get back to work before someone notices I’m gone.”
“Good call,” the man replied casually, clearly unfazed by the situation. Sirius heard the door creak open, and a second later it clicked shut leaving only the lingering scent of weed and the silence between him and the remaining intruder.
Sirius stayed perfectly still in the tub, his fingers still gripping the edge, waiting, listening. The silence stretched out, broken only by the faint sound of the joint crackling as the man took another hit, exhaling slowly.
He knew exactly who was standing just on the other side of the curtain. He could picture him leaning against the sink, looking completely relaxed and unbothered by the fact that they were both hiding out in the same bathroom during a memorial service. He counted to ten, maybe fifteen, before exhaling and pushing himself to his feet silently. The porcelain was cold beneath his fingers as he steadied himself, running a hand through his long hair to shake off the tension that clung to him.
With one quick motion, Sirius snapped the shower curtain open.
The man on the other side jerked back in surprise, his hand fumbling and the joint he’d been smoking dropped into the sink and sizzled out. “Shit!” he cursed, spinning around, ready to fire off some irritated remark. But then his eyes landed on Sirius, standing there, hair still slightly wild from his fingers running through it, and his mouth snapped shut.
“Oh… shit. Sirius.”
And there he was. Remus fucking Lupin.
Sirius didn’t move, didn’t speak. He just stared at the man who hadn’t crossed his path in over a decade. Remus’s tousled brown hair was curly as it had always been, the freckles that dusted his cheeks unchanged, his dark brown eyes wide as they locked onto Sirius. For a moment, the years between them seemed to vanish. He looked so much the same as Sirius remembered him- almost painfully so.
But there were differences he could see now. His face was sharper, more defined- the softness of boyhood long gone. He carried himself differently, the weight of the world more evident in the lines etched into his skin, the weariness in his stance. He was older. They both were.
Remus’s mouth opened, but the words didn’t seem to come out right at first. “Sirius, I don’t-”
Sirius felt his throat tighten, the familiar pressure of his anxiety creeping up again, the way it had all day. Words stuck in his throat like jagged glass- sharp and painful, but there was nothing he had to say to Remus. Not now. Maybe not ever. His silence hung heavy between them and even though his body felt like it was moving underwater, he forced himself to step out of the tub.
He didn’t look at Remus as he crossed the small bathroom. He reached the door and pulled it open. But before he stepped through, something pulled at him- something bitter, something he hadn't let himself feel until this very moment. He paused in the doorway, his hand hovering over the knob.
“I never understood why he stayed friends with you,” he said, finally looking Remus in the eye. His voice was raspy and rough from disuse, but he saw Remus hear his statement like a physical blow. Sirius didn’t wait for a response. He didn’t need one. He let the door close behind him with a soft click, leaving Remus alone in the bathroom.