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Should not exist.
It's the word that everyone uses to describe me, a lonely, non-family and violent person.
I shouldn't have been born, I'm just a fault product due to an unnecessary accident.
My father was a drug addict and gambling addict, alcohol and countless other ill-wishers, he didn't even have a real job, an irresponsible scum. And my mother wasn't a good woman, she was a prostitute and, like my father, she sold herself for drugs and cigarettes.
My father was once drunk and entered the prostitute where my mother worked, with a vague mind due to the yeast and the destruction of drugs so far on his perception and health, he asked to hire a prostitute to satisfy his dirty desire without being tarnished under the influence of alcohol, drugs and opium.
No prostitute dared to accept, perhaps they knew my father was an addicted scum, he could not afford to pay them. But my mother, working yesterday but not enough money to buy drugs, made her extremely upset, her head hurts like a hammer, her body twitches, her mind screaming for satisfaction with the drug craving, when she saw my father agreed immediately. My mother knew for sure that my father had no money to pay her, but she smelled it, she smelled the charming characteristic scent under the strong smell of alcohol, she knew my father had drugs in him! And then when she came into the room, my mother was like an addict who couldn't satisfy her drug cravings, pounced on my father like a wild beast, she torn my father's clothes in search of drugs, and when she found a bag of white powder falling out of my father's shirt, she immediately tore it off and poured it on the floor, like a man who had mastered this noble work for decades, she took the drug into a thin line and inhaled it with grief. The scent of the drug reaches the brain and for a few short minutes she reels and is happy under the drug-induced stimulation and hallucinations. She was just lying on the ground inhaling drugs like a little bit by bit with excitement and extreme pleasure. My father, as always, was a wretched scum, he had sex with my mother violently in the whirlwind of his mind, my mother, she did not resist because she was busy enjoying the satisfaction caused by drugs. In the cluttered room, drugs scattered all over the floor, a very dirty, despicable scene with outsiders but full of delight with insiders.
And after that, without understanding why they fell in love, no one understood why, perhaps two people in the lowest position in society, immersed in addiction, it seemed that their hearts would never have the opportunity to vibrate again to meet some strange sympathy. After a while, my mother became pregnant and they decided to get married, saying that marriage is also not true because they simply moved to each other's House and called each other a couple. They were looking forward to a better future, my mother quit being a prostitute and decided to rehab to take care of the family and my father was determined to change to prepare to become a father. It seemed that they would have a better future, but no, my mother, after just one day of drug rehabilitation, went crazy, smashed, scolded all over the house, and my father, who was the face and the high ego, was very pile up, so both of them quarreled all the time and fell in love again, their affection day and day tomorrow. After a while my mother had successfully withdrawn from addiction, but she had just become pregnant again in poverty, without proper health care, the food was not enough, so her personality was as annoying as when she was the new medicine. My father even though he worked all day and night, he still did not have enough money to buy alcohol, food, drugs for daily activities, so he became increasingly violent and barren. Angry, they were going to divorce and my mother demanded an abortion, but where did the money go for an abortion? The pregnancy has been 5 months, it is impossible to break it. They have to endure each other again, but the longer they stay together, the more they hate each other. And when the pregnancy was 8 months old, my parents ' quarrels were getting more and more heavy, my father also drank more and more, and on the same day as they always quarreled, my father in a drunkenness beat my belongings and beat my mother, and then my mother suffered an abortion... I was born that day.
I was born thin and sick, lived in the scene of hunger and starving and watching my parents quarrel and fight. I was never welcomed in this house, not to mention to receive love, my mother breastfed me just because she wanted me to be silent by screaming so loudly because of hunger. And I was caught weaning when I was only 10 months old, from which I only ate thin porridge every day and ate only one meal a day, at first I wept a lot but my parents beat and scolded me, later I got used to this too. My mother used drugs again, I couldn't understand why, but I was too young at the time, I couldn't understand how my mother's rotting body contained such a mind, perhaps even now I can't understand.
I was always scolded by my parents, even broke my leg in my father's intoxication, I was scared at first, I hurt very much, I screamed to my parents to stop beating me but then I just cried. They said I was useless, that I shouldn't have been born in the world, they beat me a lot, but I still live, maybe human survival is strong enough to keep me alive.
At first I was afraid that my parents were high on drugs but then I liked it very much, they when high on drugs would become gentle when just lying on the ground twitching and laughing happily at the pleasure of the stimulant, they would not beat me and did not know I stole food to eat.
A bird flew into my house, it was cute, soft and cheerful, I killed it for meat to roast up to eat, it didn't taste good but it made me less hungry. From there I didn't see any more birds coming to my house.
My house has rats, they creep in the corners of cabinets and ceilings, I hate them, they are always so healthy, they can steal food that is rarely caught and beaten, I have found and killed them, it is difficult to catch rats but I have caught one, I will try to eat it.
Rat meat was disgusting, it also caused me stomach pain and vomiting to the fever, it turned out that this is why people do not eat rat meat, they are more free to steal food, I hate rats!
I was beaten again, this happened every day, so I was used to it, but this time my father smashed glass bottles on my head, I almost died, the feeling of blood pulling out of my body quickly, flowing to the floor and creeping into my cold body so that I could not forget that feeling... So serene...
Oddly enough, I wasn't dead, I thought I was dead, but I opened my eyes and woke up in a white room with the light of the electric light that shone right into my eyes, which made me uncomfortable. I was lying on a bed with a strange feeling of comfort, I always slept on the floor and my bed was just a wooden bed with a mat, it wasn't this quiet. I tried to sit up and saw a lot of white people coming in, they seemed surprised when I woke up so early but they told me to lie down and somebody else would come and talk to me later. I don't know who those people are but I don't care anymore, if they want to beat me or kill me, I don't care, I've always been like that.
After a while others came and took me to an empty room. They asked me a lot but mostly about my parents, they asked my parents how long they had been using drugs and whether they were storing it or selling it, I answered them all their questions, I was wondering: how strange are they asking about my parents? My parents do not have acquaintances, people do not want to care or relate to them. But I also don't ask anything, I shouldn't be curious, if I ask or curious something I will definitely be beaten and fasted. People who talk to me seem unexpected and frown angrily when they look at me, I'm sure they will hit me if I do something that annoys them...
They said My parents died of drug shock, people passed by to see them screaming and twitching and ran to see me lying in a pool of blood, so went to the emergency room immediately, luckily I was saved in extremely critical circumstances... Those words ran straight up to my brain, shuffled everything in my mind and turned it by chaos, and those words like flies buzzing in my ears endlessly left in my ears were mooth whistling at a strange pitch... Hah... That's amazing... I laughed insanely and relentlessly, though the people who sat opposite me were astonished and horrified to try to calm me down, but I didn't care, they could kill me now because I annoyed them, but I don't care, this is great!
The surprise was that the others did not kill me, they took me to a place where there were many other children and I lived there.
It's annoying! I hate being here, the other kids are annoying, They laugh and talk all day they look so obedient and naive as little pure angels, which makes me hate them even more!!
There were a few other adults there, they looked after the kids, they initially seemed interested in me, I thought they were monitoring me, I didn't like them. They used to make me talk to other kids, that's annoying! I hated those children, they were disgusting, I didn't want to get close or talk to them, so I refused fiercely even if they forced me many times! I hate the adults there!!
There was a boy who came to me while I was eating, they took my food and laughed, I took a chair to beat them on the head, the machine flowed and they cried hard... That's great! I love this, the terror of their joyful smile goes out to be replaced by tears and terror... that's great... I kept hitting them, grabbing chairs on their bodies, holding them up and lowering them... I won't stop...
People were screaming and scared, the adults ran to me and stopped me... Ugh!! I hate them! I hate them! I struggled and continued to beat the kids... it's chaotic... And I love it... I love this chaos... The cries told me to stop, the screams and weeping in the horrors of other children, the crimson color of blood flowing under the floor, everything like a stimulant that made my brain spin...
A man struck me down on the floor, he looked at me with an angry and horrified eyes, he shouted at me as a monster and scolded me. Ah... That's great ... Everything is chaotic ... The bright happiness every day here was completely destroyed, but only fear and panic remained... I laughed, laughed with pleasure, I did not stop...
The other man looked at me with terror, he stepped back a little for a few minutes and then, as if realizing his cowardice when he was afraid of a child, the high self-esteem of a man took over him, he angrily moved towards me and raised his hand to punch me with a strong one. My thin body filled with bruises vawbg went away and hit the nearby table, blood from the wound on my head flowed out...
I reached out my hand to the floor and picked up the broken Crock from the broken bowl under the ground... Staggering up... You bastard... I rushed to stab the connoisseur in his leg, he shouted and painfully fell to the floor... I held the crockery from that bowl so tightly that my hands bleed... I stabbed it down his throat constantly and relentlessly, blood splashing on my face, on my hands and on my clothes... Blood staining the floor red makes the floor be a puddle of dark red... Ah... It was like I was lying in a pool of blood on the floor... I killed him... Everyone shouted horribly at the sight, but no one dared to stop me...
Staggering up from the corpse that was motionless on the floor,my whole body was covered with red blood, looking towards the frightened people who looked at me as if a monster, it was fun... I gave a happy smile and then threw away the clothes of the place that used to be heaven and then left there forever...
I went back to my house, my parents died, no one cared about their deaths, the house became strangely silent, there was no swearing from my parents all the time, the house was dark and dirty in strange color. I traced the fishy smell I smelled and stopped at the dining room where the floor was strangely stained by the blood that had dried up. Oh, that's my blood... I stood there looking at that variegated color for a long time, that near-death feeling came,the feeling of blood pulling out of my body and the frenzied decrease in temperature was buzzing in my head like a hundred bugs that were destroying my reasoning. But then I turned my head away from the room, rummaged through the rags and wiped the floor again, it was not any better, so I ignored after a few minutes trying to wipe the blood streaks on the floor.
I found it strange that I hadn't been arrested after committing murder, but maybe the people in the camp hadn't told the police, I didn't care anyway, which was a good thing.
I struggled to make a living to continue to exist. I've done enough inferior, dangerous careers to make a living. I hate people, I hate life, why do I always try to stay alive? If I live, I don't have anything fun or something worth living for... Yet I kept trying to hold on to the life that had left me perhaps from the moment I got out of that house.
I tried smoking cigarettes, it was bitter, it burned my throat,the smoke on my nose made me want to cough, my lungs burned, I felt as if burned to the breath... I like it, the feeling of enjoying the smoke released from the dry and burning throat is great, the bitterness in the throat and its unpleasant smell like hypnosis me...
I developed an extraordinary physical strength that I did not understand during adulthood. This may be because I always fight and fight every day, which is understandable because in this dirty place... With a guy like me, a failed and pitiful guy, this is of course what has to happen. All human beings are hateful, they seek to separate me, they don't even help me when I struggled with life from the beginning after killing my parents and escaping from the orphanage, they always look at me with disgusting, stigmatized eyes, they don't get close or talk to me, they just stand there... Standing there and looking at me with that disgusting gaze, they eroded me, pointing and talking about me as if I were a sinner, a dictator, a trashman, from small to large, who was always like that, anyone, even children or adults, they were... Damn it! You motherfuckers!! They make me feel nauseous!! I hate them, I hate them!! Oh... I'm in pain... I should smoke...
A certain bastard came up behind me when I was dumping garbage and hitting my head with an iron stick, that bitch... I fell to the ground with a dizziness, damn I felt my head ache. Ah... A familiar feeling rushed up my nose made me uncomfortable... how do I forget that feeling?.. It made my lungs tighten, I felt short of breath, the bright red blood flowing down from my head, flowing down my face and seeping through my lips, its taste salty and strangely difficult to swallow... Haha... It was disgusting that the memories of the days of living with my parents returned in no order, they were like images that suddenly flashed and then went out, it was unpleasant... Why do I remember these memories? I've obviously forgotten them... I should have forgotten those memories!!
I stood up, leaning my body heavy and my head hurting like a hammer by the relentless flash of memories, the blood still flowing, it was hateful... I stormed in and struck that bastard, I struck and struck, I couldn't stop, my punches were like that and hit that bastard's face, my ears buzzed, I couldn't hear anything around me. The blood from my wound and also of my name is blotting my shirt, it's blotting into my eyes that makes me uncomfortable, my eyes reddened, ugh... It's annoying! My mind is empty and I just keep hitting and hitting... By the time I stopped, the bastard was lying motionless on the ground, he was not dead, but the blood from his nose and mouth flowed constantly, making his face look disgusting. I staggered up from his body... My eyes were blurred and something felt on my mind...
I ran out of there, ran fast with my body full of blood and did not stop, I wanted to run away... Even though I didn't know what I was running from, I ran, running as if there were no stops. And then I stopped, all my body cells screaming to tell me to stop or I would die, and Reason told me to stop here, gasping, I looked up to see where I had finally run in that strange dizziness. Ah... I went back to my house... I finally ran a circle just to get back here... Hah... Hahahaha!! It's hateful it's hateful it's hateful!!! Damn I hate it! I hate this life! I hate this house! I hate to live like this! I hate to fight! I hate the feeling of blood seeping into my flesh! I hate the taste of blood! I hate everything! I hate myself!! Why?! Why am I living like this? Why don't I die? Why?!!! I laugh like crazy, but my tears don't stop... I can't stop... I need to smoke...
Leaning against the wall, I sat next to the body whose was bitten, the blood on my head stopped flowing, I took in my pocket a tobacco tree, trembling I lit it and put it in my mouth, the familiar bitterness of the tobacco burst into my nose... I feel better... I sit there forever, say nothing, my eyes ache and get tired, time goes on and on with unpleasant stillness. Falling my head to my knees, I shrink my body and embrace myself like an abandoned animal, tears fall again, I tremble to stop, pathetic, why I cry like a poor person like this...
* Sprinkle *
The sound of a broken dry twig sounding in a quiet space startled me, my body automatically got up at an incredible speed, someone was here and watched everything. Damn it! I'll kill that guy!!
A tall man walked near me, he stepped out of the endless darkness in the alley right in front of me, the sound of leather shoes echoed in space in his footsteps, my body stiffened and my sweat flowed down from stress. Who is he?
And then the man walked in front of me, he looked real... Weird. He has a glaring open soulless eye as if it had no eyelids and another eye is closed down, his body is unusually tall but it is a perfect figure with her shoulders wide back, slim waist and has a perfect inverted triangle shape hungry for men. His hair was shoulder-short with chestnut drooping, he had a strange old smell and a foul smell like a decomposed corpse, he looked at me, like he saw through everything in my body. I couldn't move, my reason screamed that I should run away but my legs were stiff, a feeling of overwhelming power pouring over my body as if I were facing a transcendent creature.
But then a sound sounded in my mind, he did not open his mouth, but the sound still came from everywhere as if it were some magic power...
"Hmm Hello, sorry for my impolity, I don't intend to snoop like a weird person, I just accidentally passed by here and saw you sitting on the ground in a badmood, so I was a little curious ♡."
"W-who are you?"I try hard to open my mouth
"Oh sorry for this impolity, but I can't say my name. Anyway, I'm here to make an offer to you."
- "An offer?"
"Yes, a small offer, it won't hurt anyone.""
- " What is that?"
- "You... want to be my pet?"
!!?
A shock on my head, what? Will I become this man's pet? Is he crazy?!
"Oh, I guess you will be so surprised, I know making this request will shock you, I want you to be my pet, namely a catman."
"a catman?"
- "Yes, I will train you to be a lovely pet cat~ you will live with me and I will take care of you ♡."
"Why me?"
- "hmmm....It's hard to explain, I'm just curious and I find you interesting~ people are always interesting creatures and have a lot of new emotions, I'm interested in that."
- "hah... Emotion? People? Me... Not a human being..."I tighten my fists, man? Am I Human? A scum like me? I don't deserve it...
- "Huh? What's wrong? You're not human? I see you have feelings, and you have a desire to live, too? Isn't that what people are??"
My heart was like a beat, my eyes were wide open, looking up at the man. He doesn't seem to understand and isn't human, I'm sure, he's stupid but... Why am I shaken up with that question?.. People... Ah... Damn it...
Letting go of a beam of emotional vibration, I continued to talk to the man.
- "No... Why should I agree with you anyway?"
"Oh, well... I-I am..."
Unlike his scary appearance and temperament, he seems pretty... cute... he seemed confused when I asked him that. Damn it! No! Why am I going to see this weird guy so cute? I've never seen anything cute, there's no reason I've seen this creature cute. Ah... This is bad ...
- "hmm... If you become my pet, you will live with me and we can become a happy family."
The two words "family" made me uncontrollable, but fluctuated in my psyche, a feeling of nausea rose again in me. It's unpleasant...
- "And... I will love you, I will give you my love and I will take care of you, raise you, pat you if you are hurt and praise you if you are a obedient cat... I will... Love you."
I stood still, my body was cold and I felt short of breath, my blood was frozen and cold sweat flowed along my back. A strange emotion came, but this time it was different, it was neither nauseous nor disgusting, it caused my nerves to stretch, my mouth was bitter. My heart hurts... Terrible pain, I did not self-control, but stepped back, my eyes were wide open and my pupils shrank, my mouth opened and tried to stammer something but could not... No... This is bad... I should run away from here, I should not talk to this man, I should refuse his request...
- "N-no..."
- "Huh? Excuse me, what are you saying?"
- "No! No!! PLEASE... PLEASE GO! I CAN'T... I DON'T... No..."
My head hurts and my tears keep falling like that, it's pathetic but I can't stop crying, I hold my head so that my hair is already long because there is no disturbing care and no orderly disturbance down my bloody face and all my tears. I can only cry and scream that I can't... I can't receive anyone's love, I don't deserve any love...
- "k-no... please... I don't deserve to be loved... I can't be a human or a good cat... I am a scum, hateful, despicable, deserving of death... How many people have I killed... I can't... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I--"
Suddenly a cold hand touched my face and raised my face. That man... He was still looking at me with his lifeless eyes open... He's disgusting and disgusting me, isn't he? Yeah... How can I get sympathy or love from someone?.. I should have lied that I was honored and happy to be his pet cat and that I would have escaped this hateful shabby house, I would have been cared for and loved... But people like me are not allowed to be happy, I have to pay the price... pay for killing, for living, for fleeing, for being born... I cannot receive love, I must receive contempt, disgust, hatred... That's right... Abandon me and swear at me as a loser, that I should not exist, that I should die...
- "Calm down. Why can't You Be My Pet? I will love you sincerely, don't you want to be loved? Don't people always want to be loved?"
I cried, I cried like a child desperately when I hugged that man... That's right... I just want to live... I am also human, no matter how disgusting and cursed I am... I am also human, I want to live and I want to... I want to be loved... Just someone... Everyone can... Accept me even a little bit of love... I'll ... I'll...
- "Ah! C-are you okay? What did we do later? I'm sorry, I'll go right here, I'll erase the memory of c--"
"I agree..."
- "H-Huh?"
- "Please... Let me be your pet ... Please ... Love me... I beg you..."
...
- "All right"
And then he hugged me, his body was as cold as a corpse, there was no warmth at all but... I love it... I hugged him and my eyes collapsed because of excessive bleeding in the area of my head when I was injured.
...
I woke up in my old house. A feeling of panic and extreme fear ran in my mind... No! No!! Why? Why am I here?! Why!! I obviously accepted that man's offer... Why... Why... It's a dream...
I sat down on the floor, my hands shaken... I hugged my face and cried... Why... Why does life treat me that way... Why so cruel to me... Everything I want is just... Just...
"Oh, are you awake? What's wrong with you, don't you feel okay?"
A familiar sound sounded in my head, I immediately raised my face, my eyes frantically looking for the silhouette. And then I saw him... my hope... my love... my life and my whole life... I ran like crazy and hugged the man as if holding back the last glimmer of my dark life... I will be with him and protect him, my life, my love... Forever...
"Oh, you seem to get used to this new body so quickly, I changed your body with a new body, of course your health and abilities remain the same, just a little different appearance. You like it? ♡"
He gave me a mirror but I did not care, but just continued to embrace him.
- "yes... I am very pleased with this body."
"That's good, now let's go home, Nyen."