Chapter Text
Yesterday was the first anniversary.
Long shiver indiscreetly ran down Athena’s spine as she remembered what word her friend had shouted while standing on the edge of the cliff. This desperate cry was probably only audible for her thanks to a miracle sent by will of her own grandmother, because how could she explain that precisely then, after 10 years, she felt need to check her no-longer-friend?
Oh irony, a quick thought about Quick Thought slightly stung, she missed this ability dedicated to her for as long as she could remember. Ability to turn into a barn owl was probably only power that she missed more and even after so many months have passed it didn't make her miss watching world from above any less. You could say that she had a year to get used to this new life but that's not entirely true. When with hope in her chest and full trust in her only physically living parent asking him for a favor, Athena expected everything but not what she got, even though it was known that her fath- God King had to have the last word. She saw how his gaze changed as soon as name of the king of Ithaca came up in their conversation but Athena knew she couldn't go back. She didn't want to, so just calculated risk of his divine game and start.
She won.
But besides winner's prize she paid the price of loser too. Well, that would be a lie if said that she remembered in detail what happened after game because horrible and booming sound of the thunderbolts that were thrown at her, even when she was lying on the ground, had been with her since that fateful night. Athena could swear when she reached out to her father with a plea his anger was cut by another emotion. Embarrassment? Disgust? No that was... compassion.
Did he regret all of this? She doesn't know, she just remembers darkness and after a short while a quick waking up, the light. Her father standing in front of her with small distance. Her head rested dispassionately on someone's lap and the warm flames coming from another person caressed her skin, that person's hand pressed against the large wound on her chest but it didn't hurt, it helped. Apollo? She remembers someone's scream, two figures standing near, between her and her father. Ah, she was right, next to her was Apollo, he was kneeling next to Athena and she could tell when her blurred gaze wandered sleepily to his face, he was saying something, unrecognizable at the moment. Certainly his panicked voice was no longer melodic like during his turn in the game. She had her head on Aphrodite's lap, Athena finally noticed this, then thought that she was losing her mind if not for love goddess' tears that were dripping onto wounded one face. The voices of two people, no, three now, who had stood in her defense before the King of the Gods were now screaming. Disbelief, shock and anger. But wise one was too tired to even register them with anything more than her deaf ears, closed her foggy eyes and wanted to surrender herself to the embrace of Hypnos, unable to put together any logical thought.
Shock of pain that ran through her whole body woke up Athena very quickly, more screams, and one long squeal passed through her ears. The world spun and she felt every wound on her skin when someone grabbed the front of her linen stola and lifted upright in one movement. There was no longer any compassion for her in her father's eyes.
Looking straight into the widl storm in his pupils as much as her condition would allow, her head was very heavy and by trying to keep it upright she was unable to fully listen to his words. The helmet, she thought, was also heavy so maybe it should be taked off? Then heavily realized that she was no longer wearing it came, but besides that she wasn't wearing any part of her own armor. Athena raised her hand, as it turned out the only one that could move a little and wanted to check if she was really missing the headgear. This attempt was thwarted by one strong movement of her father fist. Zeus pushed her hand away with all his strength. Hera screamed at her husband but a sudden turn to his wife caused a jerk of Athena who was literally holding on by barely standing on toes. Minimally awakened by this sudden movement she looked to the side, at something. Someone. Ach, at her siblings, that's right. They were all here.
Arest and Hephaestus must have been the ones who stood by Hera's side and helped defend their sister just a few moments ago, and Eileithyia had joined Apollo's side, keeping both hands on his shoulder. She was the goddess of childbirth, but knew the basics of medicine and apparently wanted to use that. She wanted to help her. But the thought of her siblings was interrupted by the torrent of words coming out of the King of Olympus’ mouth.
"... -own daughter... the golden one... what were you thinking!? ... -ow could you-..."
“F-fa-father.”
"...useless mortal ... shame and... punishment…”
“Father.”
"... I will never allow... exile for treaso-... be with him then, child of Me-"
“...Dad?”
She didn't catch a single word after that, just heard the screams of her siblings, Hera... maybe Hestia too? Why were they all here? Why were they arguing? Where was- pain. One of the two things she managed to register before the great darkness was pure pain she felt as her father let go of her clothes and her body fell limply onto the hard marble, scattered like a house of cards. The second and last thing which Athena registered at last moment was her own blood that stained colosseum floor and in which she was apparently lying, again. Red .
Athena shook her head, she wasn't supposed to think about it. Not again, it was a long time ago and nothing would fix what happened that night, she could only be happy with what had achieved then.
Now she was focused on the sky above big water, waiting by sitting on the sand in a woolen palla, worn over a thick peplos, tightly wrapped around her body. Persephone's time was with Hades, so the cold reigned. Winter was windy and rainy time, but she was slowly getting used to feeling the temperature like any other person . The weather wasn't very terrible know, but learning how to react to it was annoying, basically everything that required survival instinct was. And that was very unexpected in itself. Athena had never needed to cover herself from the bright sun before, sit by the fire just for warmth and to satisfy her "physiological needs". This was the worst to learn and master, also awkward to explain. Sleeping and eating were something gods did for pleasure or fun, but never out of necessity. Now she had to hunt it down after many conversations with her family from Ithaca.
Athena felt a slight embarrassment when remembered her initial attempts to define what she should do this time to survive, by her own. She covered half of face with hand when a memory came, one about the night when she discovered, as it turned out, that monthly bleeding was normal for humans. Gods, please forget that first person Athena met when emerged terrified from her bedroom in the middle of the night was Odysseus. Oh poor Odysseus, although now she accepted his fate in this when thought that this was punishment for when he forced her to give some love advice years ago, hit her mind.
That was also embarrassing, but on a slightly different level. It didn't require interference with her intimate area, the cleanliness of which she had been chasing for thousands of years, now despite her virginity she couldn't get the thought out of the back of her mind that she was dirty. Goddesses don't bleed and she was no longer one. Penelope told her why this actually occurs. Honestly, she was terrified. Only mortal women gave birth in pain and carried the aftermath of it with them, but on the other hand Athena didn't know if a cracked skull really was a better way to enter this world, but for sure she certainly didn't want to convince herself of any option of having children.
About bleeding and still life. Mortals are very weak.
Athena probably wouldn't be able to wait calmly at the edge of this water now, being in one piece, if it wasn't for Apollo who used every second they had that night to heal as much of her body as he could. If she remembers correctly, of course... If it wasn't for the quick help here on Earth when Odysseus took over, she doesn't know if she wouldn't have gotten an infection and... died. Because now she could die, she was mortal and this was her punishment.
Athena wrapped her arms around herself.
In fact, she doesn't remember much from her first moments on Earth, when opened her eyes very hard and saw her friend for the first time, she hadn't felt such joy in a long time, but then she felt anxiety whenlooked into his terrified eyes. Was he in danger? Was he injured and that's why he turned so pale? Now she knows that he wasn't, her Warrior simply wasn't used to holding a red bleeding goddness-not-goddess in his arms.
Later he told her what happened when she was unaware. Her fa- Zeus sentenced her to exile, stripped her of her divinity and took away her powers. That's what her brother said when, on the King's orders, had to give the "naive girl" to the man for whom she was repenting “like a dog at his feet”. Supposedly, she was his favorite. Athena can only hopes that if he tries to hurt her siblings in her absence, the last part of Metis that remains in Zeus will give him a migraine worse than the one that accompanied her birth (because unfortunately there is no point in counting on the boy from the prophecy). Besides, can it ever be supposed remnant of Metis? If it were, Athena doubts that Zeus would have walked off the arena on his own feet after that reaction to end of his own game. In any case, Hermes, in addition to the gift of an additional crew member, announced to Odysseus that he would soon be free from Orygia.
Athena won and she wouldn't trade it for anything else.
And speaking of Hermes, she was certain that when wasn't fully strong jet, he had been with her. She knows perfectly well that he led them and helped Odysseus just as she would have done if she were still divine but he also helped her.
First at sea, in the kingdom of King Alcinous and Queen Arete of Phaeacia and then in the hut of Eumaeus, first person they had met after their return to home.
Former part of and servant for royal family, now a pig herder without hesitation accepted the wounded girl and her male companion, a blind youth (temporary work of Hermes). They stayed with the hospitable man for three days while Athena regained the last of her strength after another trip. She got a lot of help before, mostly thanks to Nausicaa, the royal of Phaeacia couple's daughter, but that only helped her survive the journey to Ithaca because Athena was nowhere near being at full strength. And Odysseus wouldn't let her fight for his palace when she couldn't even sit down.
She smiled at this memory and could swear when she was in Eumaeus’ place that loyal man had Hermes on his arm the whole time he approached her, watching his every move and intentions towards defenseless sister of his. Athena couldn't see him, but could feel that her brother was there. She was right.
He had told her that 9 months ago when had officially come to her. For a second, she thought that someone close to her was dying, that she had failed and her brother had come for soul. He was sitting on the edge of her bed, in the middle of night, and Athena was sure his eyes were shining just like water. Hermes lit up as soon as he saw her awake, because that was what he wanted to do, to see her and be able to tell her everything that was on his mind. He was glad she was alive.
From that day on, they appeared every month for the whole day. She was very happy and waited for her brother, who of course appeared under the pretext of his work. A stack of wrapped parchments with letters and small gifts from her family was something she never expected to receive. Were they so close and she didn't notice it then? Did she not want to see it because of her cold and defensive attitude? Are these twisted family relationships of the gods tied with a ribbon of care and decorated with a carol of love? Is it for show? Or maybe they had pangs of conscience? She didn't know this, but was grateful to them with all her heart that she had allowed herself to warm over the past months.
And what did human emotions do to her?
There was always a slight anxiety in the back of her mind though. If Zeus caught his son with even one such tiny letter, his fate would not be kind, all of Olympus saw his anger and heard when he forbade the other gods from having any contact with currently daughter of his, if he still considered her after exile as such. Thanks to this, Odysseus didn’t have to fear Podeidon's revenge on their way back and it was small comfort for her. In any case, Athena had left all the letters she received in her own new room, which was between Odysseus' youthful one, now Telemachus, and the master bedroom. A few short sentences written personally by the gods at the beginning were questions about how she was or a little telling of some anecdotes from Olympus. The unique handwriting delighted her, she realized that before this she might not have recognized whose person is whose, she had never paid as much attention to it as now felt she should. But now? Now she saw so much originality and detail in every one of those... and especially in those slightly burnt letters from Hephaestus. Even though he had known her the longest of all, it was on paper that they again had a lot to say to each other, especially about their past crafts. Their relationship used to be a bit closer but specific events, now forgiven, left a mark and tangled tongues. Until now.
Sometimes there were gifts in the letters, she couldn't send them in return because her brothe r was afraid they would be detected more easily than small bundles of parchment written from hand. Not her hands, it’s not like she could write anything to them through her scarred ones and had to dictate everything to Hermes.
Either way, the first gift she received, to her great shock, was a small package from Hera, wrapped in a cloth scarf and decorated with a peacock feather inserted into the knot. A gold round pendant necklace. Athena had never been a fan of jewelry, but it was very simple and elegant, she felt sentimental about it and wore this gift every day just below the necklace of orange beads that Telemachus had given her. It was one of his that he had taken off from neck and told Athena that she could hold it in hand if she felt unwell during her convalescence, and to remember that they considered her part of the family. In the attached note which came with a gift, Hera wrote to her briefly that she hoped her daughter was doing well and that she feel that this necklace suited her. Athena didn't know why her mother gave her such a gift, although truth was that Hera had always treated her better than other children born of Zeus but not from her, Athena was the only one who wasn't a bastard and that had to be appreciated. Besides, she was the oldest, maybe that also gave a positive touch to this relationship and eh, the pet names she had for her sometimes made Athena feel almost like she was Hera’s own daughter, even though it was never like that. This intensifies greatly after the Trojan War, after which both goddesses nevertheless became a bit close while fighting for a common goal. Although, why think about it so much?
Hera had three children from herself, she kidnapped one of her daughters and married the other as revenge, and there was no point in even talking about Ares. Athena was on a pedestal compared to her sisters and brother. And on the subject of Hera's daughters, Eileithyia, goddess of childbirth, even wrote her an assurance that "She hopes she managed to help and now Athena feels better BUT if she ever changes her divine beliefs and decides to feel movement under her heart, goddness would gladly visit Ithaca" almos with instructions on how to make it happen. Oh, Athena will kick her when she sees her. Although she is grateful to her sister, she wanted to save her, just like Apollo, and Athena will not stop believing in those vague memories until one of them denies.
Hephaestus said that he could give her a new spear, lighter and with slightly weighted head with meant that despite having one almost completely useless hand, she will be able to return to the feelings of training in the appropriate time. She was grateful and only slightly embarrassed that the parchment with answer she had written to her brother was wet with tears. It was the only letter she wrote herself, crooked, but she had to refuse from the heart. Athena didn't want to add work to her brother when she knew she wouldn't hold weapon, so she wanted to prove it through the words that came from own hand.
Apollo was closest to Hermes and received most of the reports verbally, which he also sent back to her, but it also happened that he gave Athena a parchment with interesting notes and some herb for pain, tied to it. Now it's on level to bear but there are sometimes nights that Athena would like to erase from her memories, and the shivers they cause too.
Artemis sometimes added stones and pine cones to it, and Athena thought they were the prettiest she had ever seen.
Ares writes a letter for every visit, Athena never expected that she could have such a good time talking to him. From more serious war thoughts to silly anecdotes and even jokes. She would say that she doesn't believe that Ares could write it but even more she doesn't believe that she really laughs at it and that reaches for letters from him first.
Aphrodite also wrote to her, once. Saying that Athena will kick her too when she sees her would be too light, her half-sister at least kept a minimal amount of delicacy in her statement but Goddness of Love not. Even now, her cheeks turned pink as soon as she remembered about Aphrodite's letter. She also gave her a bottle of "perfume" that Athena was afraid to touch.
To sum up, she felt loved and it gave her a strange warmth.
Even though she won't admit it out loud, she feels that her divine family cares for her in some way. It's true that it doesn't even come close to how her family from Ithaca treats her, but she could say that she misses Olympus in some way. Even now, when she was sitting on the edge of the island where she lived for a year, she felt a strange feeling about it. Worse than she would have liked, but she lives and learns to do it even better with each passing day.
On the other hand, she sometimes feels regret, it's hard for her to tell if it's a matter of true longing or maybe a sense of injustice. Athena doesn't know how many times she's created new scenarios about how that day would end, but no matter how they went, they always leave a hint of injustice behind. Athena knew that out of the two of them, she didn't break any rules and won honestly. Zeus couldn't accept that, she didn't know why he felt that she had finally crossed his boundaries. It's not like his favourite child was always faithful.
Apart from fact that despite his assurances of neutrality during the Trojan War, he didn't like that Athena supported the Greeks. Heck, he definitely didn't like the fact that she was once one of those who wanted to overthrow him either. Apollo and Poseidon got light punishments compared to Hera, but everyone paid for their betrayal. Everyone except Athena who was literally tapped on the shoulder just before her father left. She met his gaze at the last moment and to this day she doesn't know what it expressed. If Athena didn't know him she would say she saw simple human emotion in this but not anger, bitterness of betrayal or disappointment. Just sadness.
Sadness was a strange emotion in general. It came unexpectedly but even being a single drop could overshadow the entire ocean of joy and lead to drowning. Although this comparison was a little cruel to Odysseus, Athena experienced the melancholy associated with sadness as a mortal. Never in her immortal life she had believed that one day her domain would be her greatest weakness but it it now. The beginnings in Ithaca were hard because only then when the new reality reach her, gratitude and guilt beat in her heart, and the fear she received as a memento of her family home from her father still burned her red-filled veins. Her entire body was racked with unimaginable pain that was fighting with the growing fever for dominance over her quivering body and her own mind was like the biggest mess, only for her to clean up and additionally one that could not be just sorted, at least not by herself.
She was never alone now. Her surroundings were full of people and she saw closest ones regularly, Odysseus, Penelope and Telemachus were permanent elements of her new existence. Routine was probably one of the things that really helped her survive and feel safe, and slight breaks from it such as trips to the barn where Eumaeus and Philoetius, another cowherd loyal to Odysseus, worked, sightseeing in the town or meetings with Hermes were the perfect complement to it.
Hermes. Exactly Hermes, he is late. If anyone but Hermes particularly respected the aspect of their grandfather, the one who consumed his five children and then torn to pieces - time. He was never late, thanks to his speed and intelligent planning, Hermes was always there exactly when he was supposed to be and looking at the unpleasantly cloudy sky made Athena anxious. She knew a storm was approaching but had already learned that winter had the characteristic of unpleasant, unpredictable weather. As a goddess she didn't have to worry about things like this but now Athena was still not sure what she thought about the thick woolen body covering and leather boots so the prospect of thunderbolts was definitely worrying for her.
She was simply afraid even though Athena didn't want to admit it. Even in a closed room the slightest return to those loud events made her feel terrified, to put it mildly.
She sat there as long as she could until felt the first drops of rain in her short-cropped hair. Taking advantage of the fact that Telemachus was working on her way home by unpacking wheat carts, Athena started going in that direction. Young boy himself offered farmers to help with their work because he knew that they could cause quite a stir if struck by lightning. Ever since it turned out that over half of people who took care of the animals had betrayed Odysseus and were therefore removed, help was really needed. Prince of Ithaca met them on the way when he was taking his friend to a meeting as company, his great-great-grandfather promised Athena that he would be able to spare some time for Telemachus as well. He really wanted to meet Hermes, but Athena preferred to make it happen when she was sure that those visits were not disturbed by other gods and Olympus was not saturated with gossip. For the past nine months, everything seemed to be going really good, so why not right?
Telemachus was already finishing up and quickly said goodbye to the rest of men, running to Athena. She wanted to stop him when he took off his himation and with outstretched arms shielded them both from the rain. He was such a sweet boy, she thought.
Athena talked to him and didn't even notice when they reached home, their shared home. She couldn't shake this feeling, as if she knew something was wrong. Hermes was never late. You could say a lot about him, but that he wouldn't show up for their planned appointment? Never. She knew it wasn't a good sign and was worried about her brother. Odysseus were surprised by their quick return but both men of the house assured that everything was fine, she still was afraid that the bad weather wasn't Demeter's whim though. Athena could only look out the window with thought that this time her brother planning some grand entrance and just be late because of that, he finally got to officially meet the rest of the family afterall.
This made sense in her head so then wasn't a time when Athena had any logical reason to worry.
Not yet, at least.