Chapter Text
Simon was always told not to go out alone at night; that it was dangerous even in their small town of Bjärstad. Even though he could never replace the feeling of the cold, icy air on the back of his neck, the silent night sky would always bring him peace on his nightly walks. This was something he started to do when he was younger, when he couldn't escape the sounds of screams and glass shattering at home. The memories that would haunt him, keeping him up at night, and the lingering feelings of sharp glass that once pierced his skin. Came from a person who he thought would love and care for him, someone who would keep him safe. That's when the walks started. When he couldn't even bear the feeling of those awful memories replaying, repeating in his head over and over, wondering when it would happen again. It started out with Simon only going outside for some fresh air to destress and quickly rushing back inside due to the bitter cold. Once he tasted that feeling of freedom and not the feeling of those memories, he felt relief. It felt like he finally could relax, the silence captivating his mind. A mind no longer clouded with dreadful memories, but nothing, nothing at all. All he felt was the crisp air and the way it diminished his problems, he would feel it pierce into his lungs in every breath, clearing his mind instantly. Ever since then, he's been hooked on it, like an addict. The feeling of nothing, yet it was all just the simple feeling of pure relief from his mind. Which rapidly became more like prison at this time of night, when it was only him and his thoughts. Finding himself out here every single night, it was something he looked forward to. No more did he hate this time of night, instead, Simon always looked forward to the daily satisfaction of all the stress melting off of him despite the wintry environment. He soon realized in the cold Sweden winters, the relief also came with a price of the frigid temperatures. Simon needed to stay warm to cling onto the feeling of comfort, that’s how the walks started. He didn't know where to go or what to do, he's never felt this lost in the silent sensation of a town he knows so well. He would just walk and walk and walk. No destination, no purpose, nobody to redirect him, but to ease his prison of a mind that he just seemed to be stuck inside his state of mind.
Chapter 2
Summary:
Wilhelm just started at hillerska already not being able to stand it and still being plagued with thoughts and memories of what happened 3 weeks ago, of what he did. the reason he was sent there...
Notes:
HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING in this chapter for suicide attempt and self harm.
please make sure you are taking care of yourself and getting the help you need. i love you guys!!
anyway fun fact this someone how took 4 hours and listning to girl in red/gigi perez on repeat
alsooo I need to give a huge shoutout to my best friend who sits in bed and helps me edit my hot mess for hours I swear because I could never do this without her, all that pizaz is her, shes amazing
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Wilhem only just got to Hillerska last night and already can't stand it. He’s glad to be away from the house that seemed to confine him, but nothing about his mind has changed. Even after his 3 week vacation, his mom told Erik that but in reality, those weeks were only filled with doctors and insanity. His mom swore to him and maybe even herself a little, that it would help. The exact same thing the doctors said after several prescriptions, shoving tons of different types down his throat, hoping and praying for an outcome, but of course nothing would change. Except Kristina is never sincere on anything, knowing for certain it was for her own benefit and reputation, like everything else in his life was. Wilhelm knows the actions that led him here were clouding, intrusive thoughts, but his mind never truly stabilized like the doctors said it would.
(flashback to 3 weeks before).
He's been doing it for awhile, ever since that one meeting. The one asking him to step into a more professional role in the company, he doesn't understand why no one will listen to him (besides Erik). Understand that he doesn't want to do this, he never wanted to do this. For god sakes, he's only 16, but he feels like it's useless to fight, much like everything else in his life when he's up against Kristina. That's when Wilhelm did it for the first time, he’s thought about it before, but never actually acted on his thoughts. This time was different and this time he gave it too much thought, he gave into those overwhelming, intrusive thoughts. It soon turned into a pattern, his only real relief from those excruciating thoughts by his possessed mind. The feeling and vibrant color consumed him, like the comfort he has never had. He cherished the feeling of the cherry red blood that would coat his arms and flow off them. It was his false sense of security, the only thing he felt like he could control. When he’d design pretty paintings on his arms, thighs, ankles, and shoulders, using the glooming, glistening red liquid. Wilhelm knew it was wrong, but everything in his life already felt wrong except in those moments. It felt so right, everything about it, but he could never replace that feeling. It became addicting quickly, like the how the pills the doctors tried to drug him with could never do. It was only a matter of time before he took it too far. When it got too serious that night, which ended with him lying on the shiny, polished floor of his bathroom, feeling lifeless. Wilhelm quickly pulled himself off the floor, bandaging his fresh stinging cuts, shielding them from observant eyes. Dispersed hostilely around his weak, skinny 16 year old body, wincing with every sensitive touch from the bandages. Guiltily hiding away the blades that carved out his skin, creating this mess of crimson blood. He felt guilty because he had no one to blame, but himself. He thought he hid his self-destructive box of misery so well, only to come home after a long, crippling day of school to see the box. His box, the box he hid his pain in on the kitchen table. Without Erik there, all that was left there for him, sitting at the table, was his mother. His box in her possession and his increasingly worried thoughts taking over his mind. His mother made no attempt to ask him about his feelings or the overflowing pain that he feels inside, she took no time to care or worry. Instead, only turning the conversation to her, how she had to hide this from the world. Scared of what people would say, how they would react about hearing this. Her ill, self-destructive, and sad excuse for a son and her as a mother being associated with him. She insisted it would be an outrage if anyone found out, harshly scolding him for his ‘careless’ behaviors, only for her own sake. He felt his breath hitch as he heard those stinging words coming from someone who was supposed to be the most loving person in his life, so much for that. Wilhelm only accepted the sting of the pain of his own actions, but not degrading words from his tyrant of a mother. He was dismissed like a unwelcomed visitor in his own home. The gruesome conversation lingering as he raced back to his meaningless, satire room. His breaths feeling stolen from him as he enters, he remembers this feeling from before. It was a panic attack, something he had experienced before. In a state of mania, he dashed to his window craving relief from the icy, free air constricting at his chest, waiting for this moment to pass. For the icy air to flow into his lungs, bringing back his breath, like those familiar times before. This time it was different, no air filled his lungs and much needed relief never returned to him. Instead, the continued feeling of helplessness to this virgin feeling of no control, penetrated his security. He didn’t realize what he was going to do next and the effect of his feelings that would follow. It was simply out of frustration, panic, pain, and so much more that filled his innocent teenage body. He only registered back to reality, after the loud, sharp shatter filled his ears. Enclosing him in the pang that filled his nerves from the uncaringly painful glass piercing his skin. Wilhelms mind was hazy, as it usually was, but the overbearing difference was that his condescending and brutal mind started overflowing with thoughts he didn't know he could even have. There in that moment he felt so alone in this ruthless world, like he was the only one with these sickening thoughts and no clue what to do.
He let the intrusive thoughts win before, but the thoughts now were unknown to him and didn't present no way out. Staring at the sharp crystal glass on the ground, he felt himself reaching out for it, his hands picking it up and knowing what was coming next. The goal this time wasn't seeking a temporary relief, but something more permanent. This should have scared him, repelled him almost, but overcome with impulsivity he couldn't think of anything besides that final relief. His eyes locked on the movement of the crystalline shard, as he dragged the demonizing blade-like fragment over his porcelain, perfect skin which was already tainted with his previous art. Wilhelm has never seen this much glossified, red liquid before, as he sat there watching it seep out of his arms on the pristine white carpet with a blank mind. Next, came the profuse feeling of exhaustion, as he's unable to move. Only hearing the ear splitting scream from Kristina as his vision let him down, finally leaving him. (end flashback)
Notes:
Heyyy hope you liked also please leave any comments if you can I absolutely adore them and yeah again make sure your taking of yourself guys!
also why are chapter so short ugh I promise they will get longer.. i hope