Chapter Text
Love hates you
I live my life in ruins for you
And for all your secrets kept
(Hole: Reasons To Be Beautiful)
-
Dawn stared at the barred door. She had lost track of time, but from the hunger she could tell that this was definitely the longest she had spent in the dungeons. At least two whole days, maybe three?
She knew Astarion would be there soon, very soon, to let her out. This was all just a big misunderstanding. Yes, he had had a pretty bad day, and it had been a pretty bad fight. But nothing that couldn’t be fixed.
“Still keeping the faith, sister?” Lucas asked from the neighboring cell.
Lucas was Astarion’s latest spawn. He had a big mouth and unlike Dawn, he totally deserved to be here.
“He’ll come for me soon”, Dawn said, annoyed.
“Funny, that’s what I kept telling myself the first twenty times”, Lucas said.
“It’s different. I’m not you. He loves me”, Dawn said.
“He sure has a peculiar way of showing that”, Lucas said lazily.
“It was just a… lovers’ quarrel. I’m fine”, Dawn said, not looking at him.
“Lovers? That’s what you still think you are? How cute. Are you ever going to accept that you’re no better than the rest of us?” Lucas said.
Dawn clenched her teeth. She didn’t want to give Lucas the satisfaction of getting upset. She tried to keep her voice as calm as possible. A newborn spawn like him, how could he possibly understand their history?
“I don’t expect you to get it”, Dawn said. “I am his consort, his partner, the love of his life. Yes, the times are a bit tough for us right now, but we’ll get through this. We always do.”
“You’re delusional”, Lucas said. “He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you, or anyone really.”
“You don’t know Astarion like I do”, Dawn said.
“Sure I don’t. I’m just a guy he turned for no apparent reason other than boredom and probably some vampires’ dick measuring contest.”
“He gave you eternal life, you should be grateful”, Dawn said bitterly.
Lucas grabbed a rat from the corner of his cell and bit its carotid artery open.
“Fancy a rat, Dawn?”
“I don’t eat rats”, Dawn said, furrowing her brows in disgust. “Astarion will get me something decent to eat when he…”
“When he gets you out of that cell? Do you hear yourself?” Lucas said, shaking his head. “He sure is a man of great romantic gestures.”
“Why are you doing this?” Dawn said, deeply irritated that she was still having the conversation. “Astarion and I once saved this city, and probably your ass, too, from the cult of the Absolute. And when he became the Ascendant, he gave me, and only me, the gift of walking in the sun, so don’t you dare tell me what we have is not special.”
“A lot of good that does for you, sister”, Lucas said. “I, for one, am happy that he can only boss me around at nighttime.”
“Fuck you, Lucas.”
Dawn hugged herself. Her skin, once described by Astarion as a color of the night sky, looked sickly gray in the dim light of the cell. Her white braids were messy and lackluster, and her body, once that of an athletic Drow ranger, now looked malnourished and weak. She was but a shadow of her former self, and there was no denying that.
She couldn’t quite pinpoint when exactly things had begun to go wrong. After the ascension and Dawn’s turning, everything had been perfect for a long time. They had been inseparable. Life had been full and delicious and fun. She had been by his side in everything and he had worshiped her, adored her, treasured her. There had been days when they had barely left the bed. His lips on her skin, a memory so vivid it still gave her goosebumps.
But then, over the years, something had changed. First, it had been small things, like no longer kissing her first thing in the morning and staring into the distance avoidantly when she asked what was bothering him. Astarion had slowly become obsessed with growing his empire and turning more and more people. Dawn couldn’t understand what he needed them all for. If she tried to ask, he looked at her the way he always did these days - bored, condescending, disinterested.
He had become moody and easily irritable, to the point Dawn barely recognised the gentle soul she had fallen in love with. And then, the punishments had started. The first time Astarion had sent Dawn to the dungeons, they had both been devastated. He had let her go after just a few minutes and hugged her and said he was sorry over and over. And that he’d never do it again.
But he had done it again. And Dawn had learned not to anger him. She had learned to watch her mouth, to delicately observe his moods. She had learned to keep her head down and follow his orders. And yet, sometimes she couldn’t. Sometimes the pain of acknowledging what they had become was too much, and she couldn’t take it. Sometimes she pushed his buttons deliberately, just to get a reaction, anything but the quiet resentment, the avoidance, the silent disdain. And those were the days she ended up in the dungeons.
“Oh Dawn, please don’t cry”, Lucas said. “I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.”
“He’s good”, Dawn said, swallowing her tears. “He’s just going through a lot, he’s trying to keep this empire running, the pressure…”
“Wow”, Lucas said. “I’ve seen people make excuses but you’re next level.”
“This is not him. Something’s wrong, he needs my help. I know him. He’s kind and he’s brave and…”
“He’s a petty, raging asshole”, Lucas said, throwing the remains of the rat on the floor. “He sent us here. And for what? Disagreeing with him? Tell me, his consort , what did you do to deserve this?”
“I trust his judgment”, Dawn said stubbornly. “So shut your mouth.”
“Fine. I’ll shut my mouth. But you know I’m right”, Lucas said.
Dawn closed her eyes. She remembered Astarion’s words, long ago, when she had expressed her suspicions about becoming his - once, and never again. It’s different. I would never hurt you. I love you.
It couldn’t be gone. Not completely. Somewhere underneath it all, Astarion loved her still. She was sure of it.
Aeterna Amantes. Lovers Eternal. I love you forever, Dawn, my starry night sky, my dark angel.
Dawn sniffed. Hunger burned her.
-
Godey came to set Dawn free the next morning. She was disheartened that Astarion hadn’t bothered to get her himself but instead had sent the creature Dawn despised the most. She couldn’t fathom why Astarion had kept Cazador’s creepy skeleton servant in the first place. But even so, she was relieved to finally get out.
“Master wants to speak with you”, Godey said, leading Dawn up the stairs. She nodded.
Dawn opened the door of the master bedroom cautiously. Astarion didn’t look at her.
“You wanted to see me, my lord.”
“I have a job for you”, Astarion said.
No apologies. No acknowledging that Dawn had spent three nights in the dungeon cell. No even saying her name. Tears burned her eyes.
“That’s all?” She asked.
“That is all.”
Dawn sobbed louder than she meant to. Astarion sighed.
“Spare me, Dawn. You had a couple of slightly uncomfortable nights. That’s nothing compared to what I once went through in this place. Now, listen. Since you’re the only one of my spawns who can walk in the sun, I want you to hunt for me today. Bring me someone, preferably young and strong…”
“Really? Again?” Dawn said. “Don’t you have enough?”
She bit her tongue. She did not want to go back to the dungeons, she was desperate for a bath, soft bed and blood.
“Are you questioning my orders?” Astarion asked.
“There was a time when you valued my guidance, my lord”, Dawn said.
“Yes, the time when I was a pathetic spawn.”
“Like I am now?”
Astarion walked to her and she flinched, as if expecting to get slapped in the face, even though that was still a line they hadn’t crossed. Astarion was rarely physically violent, Dawn reminded herself. Not like his predecessors. He was different.
“Why do you keep doing this?” Astarion asked. “Wallowing in the past. It’s pointless.”
“Because I miss you”, Dawn said quietly. “I miss when we were… when we were… “
“That’s ancient history. It’s time you wake up and know your place, Dawn.”
“I’m sorry”, Dawn said.
She couldn’t say more without bursting into loud tears, and that she didn’t want to do. Inadvertently, she glanced at the massive poster bed in the room and memories pained her as if someone had dug a hole in her chest with a dagger.
She had known since the ascension that she wouldn’t be Astarion’s only lover, but she had never expected to be discarded like a piece of trash. Not that their last time had been particularly pleasant. Astarion had grown more selfish, more violent, and most of all, more distant. And then he had stopped inviting her to his bed altogether.
“I told you what I want you to do. Was I unclear?” Astarion said frustratedly.
“No, my lord.”
“Go.”
Dawn knew saying anything more was futile. Lucas had been right. She was nothing to Astarion, not anymore. She nodded, forcing herself not to cry, and walked away.
-
After completing the hunt and delivering a terrified young half-elf man to Astarion, Dawn went to her room and lay on the bed in fetal position for hours. She closed her eyes and got lost in her memories, the one thing she still had.
Their first kiss on the forest clearing. The night Astarion had finally told her how he felt. You deserve something real. I want us to be something real . The battles they had fought, always having each other’s back. How they had made love, sometimes still covered in the blood of their enemies. Their laughter around the campfire, with friends who were now long gone. And that fateful night they had faced Cazador.
Dawn had been by Astarion’s side as he had bravely challenged his former master, and they had been triumphant. Well, apart from one thing. Cazador had managed to escape, at the last moment, by transforming into mist form and vanishing. Astarion, furiously, had taken the body of one of Cazador’s half-dead henchmen and used that to complete the ritual instead. And then, Dawn had helped him to become the powerful, magnificent man he deserved to be.
Dawn knew Cazador’s escape was a stain on their otherwise flawless victory. Killing him would have been the rightful ending, the closure Astarion needed. Knowing Cazador was still out there had haunted him for a long time. Astarion had harnessed all his resources for hunting him down, but his search had yielded no results. Eventually, he had been forced to give up.
Dawn had comforted Astarion, reminding him he was now the Ascendant, much more powerful than Cazador had ever been. Wherever his old master was licking his wounds, it didn’t matter. But she knew that to Astarion, it did.
Dawn tossed and turned in her bed. Then, after instinctively glancing at the door, she cautiously slipped her hand between the mattress and dug out her deepest, darkest secret.
The letter had come two tendays ago. It had been addressed to her, which was unusual - she didn’t really have any friends or family outside of the Palace anymore. She had read it, and done the unspeakable thing of hiding its contents from Astarion.
Hands shaking, she read it again.
Dear Dawn,
I hope this letter reaches you, and I hope you are well. We haven’t spoken in decades, but I haven’t forgotten the friendship we once shared, and I think of you from time to time.
When we last parted, you told me that if I ever hear about the whereabouts of Cazador Szarr, I must tell you. I remember this matter was greatly bothering you, and I gave you my word. And as you know, Dawn, a bear’s loyalty is unwavering.
So whether or not this information is still relevant to you, it’s my duty to provide you with it. My youngest son, Haemir, is a herbalist and last year he traveled to the Underdark to gather some bloodroot. In his travels he came close to Ched Nasad, the ruined city once ruled by your people, Dawn. The city is now uninhabited, but the Duergar living close by told stories about a man, a vampire, residing in the ruins. He was more of a legend, and once again, this is just hearsay, but according to Haemir, their description fits Szarr.
This is all I know. I hope this information turns out to be valuable, and I hope life has treated you well.
Always your friend,
Halsin
Dawn folded the letter quickly and put it back where she had taken it. She knew she should have delivered it to Astarion the second she had received it. And yet, she hadn’t. She wasn’t quite sure why, and every time she thought of it, guilt almost made her throw up.
Dawn knew that if Astarion found out about the letter, he would travel to Ched Nasad and burn it to the ground if he had to. Perhaps he would succeed, and finally get his revenge. Perhaps that would make him happy. But Dawn had already made the decision to withhold the letter for too long - delivering it to him now was no longer an option.
But if Dawn were to find Cazador herself by a lucky accident and bring him to Astarion… that would be a whole different thing.
Dawn sat up. She could almost feel her heart pounding, even though it no longer did. If Dawn were the one to give Astarion the one thing he lacked, his revenge, his closure - then perhaps he would finally see her as the brave heroine he had once loved. Perhaps that would even be enough to make him love her again.
Dawn got up from her bed and started pacing. She could picture it. How she would bring Cazador to him, alive, of course - it was Astarion’s right to kill him. And he would say You have given me everything, my little love. I’m so sorry for how I treated you. From now on, I will treat you the way you deserve, my consort, my queen. And he would carry her in his arms to his bed and he would…
Dawn sat back down. She was getting ahead of herself. This was something that needed careful and thorough planning. It was of utmost importance that Astarion wouldn’t know what she was up to, not until she had succeeded. Ched Nasad was far, and all she had was hearsay. And yet, it was more than they had ever had before. It was enough that she had to try.
Hope was burning in her chest like a wildfire. She knew this wouldn’t be an easy task. While she had once been a fighter, she had been out of practice for years. But she had defeated Myrkul, the God of Bones. She had defeated Enver Gortash and his Steel Watch. She had defeated the Netherbrain. And she had defeated Cazador, too. Granted, she had not been alone, and now she would be. But then again, so was Cazador. And he wouldn’t see her coming. She could do this, for Astarion. Her final gift, the ultimate act of love. She would make things right again, and reclaim her place by his side.
Dawn tossed the letter into the fireplace, destroying the evidence of her betrayal. She would travel to Ched Nasad. That’s where Cazador was. She felt it in her bones.
She closed her eyes, and for the first time in a long, long time she felt her life carried some kind of a purpose.