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"together I know we can make it right we will find the dawn beyond the night,in your light I can see a new day
we can find a way."
___
the small hideout is quite cozy
although in the midst of so much chaos the CCG's least concern is to find two of their former researchers
they preferred not to take the risk and opted for a cozy little house on the outskirts of Tokyo, a hideout that serves for now
they have been there for three days
it is strange, but not uncomfortable
where are they supposed to start after almost three years without talking? three years without knowing anything about each other, three years that she lived as if he were dead
too many significant things have happened in both of their lives
It's a pleasant afternoon, Maris Stella jumps onto her lap by the window
the wind plays with the golden strands escaping from her makeshift braid
it has been a quiet three days after a long time
her gaze shifts from the playful Maris Stella on her lap to Amon sitting on the other side of the room sipping a cup of coffee and looking out the other window
beyond her changing anatomy, and slight changes in some aspects of his personality he is still the same as she knows him
, colder, more distant, more carefree,
but he is still Amon Koutarou
"you are very quiet today" she says and manages to capture his attention
his Jade eyes are fixed on her,
before, she could decipher in an instant what was going through his head
now she has no idea
he is more introspective too
"it's too quiet an afternoon" he comments
the tranquility is rare for them, it's hard for them to get used to it
the cat jumps again from her lap and chases a small butterfly that came through the window
Akira doesn't know precisely what it is that makes her feel something tense between them
, a very thin thread about to be cut
, she supposes it's the unsaid things, neither of them is good with words and since they have met again they have chosen to omit talking about the unnecessary, about what happened and can't be changed
feels his gaze still on her, his eyes so familiar and at the same time so strange after so long
"is something wrong? "he hears the deep voice and Akira raises her head in his direction
it's unfair that now he is the one who can decipher her just by looking at her
they have both changed, he is glad she still likes him
"it's strange" she confesses and smiles slightly
she moves her hands on her lap and lets out a small sigh
"what is it?" he asks
"everything.."
Amon watches her thoughtfully, she still smiles at her own thought
it is what she chooses to do, laugh at the mixture of misfortune and relief of their own lives, they have lost almost everything but she thinks at the same time she couldn't be more relieved to be able to see his frowning face again, her title in the CCG would not give her that close to fullness
she laughs and completely captures Amon's attention, who doesn't understand what is supposed to be funny, his frown is still on his face
Akira's laughter is light and sweet, just as he remembers it from the few times she had laughed in her past, he is glad that despite so much pain her smile is still intact as in his memory
the times he thought he would never again delight in the sight of his subordinate laughing so intimately
in those days it produced a knot in his stomach and warmth in his chest, no more
but now. .. he wants to take her delicate face in his hands and kiss her until she is breathless.
the slight smile that had formed on her face fades as he comes out of his trance and looks at Akira again
notices the crystalline in her eyes
before he can question what is wrong with her she gets up from her seat and walks over to him, the slight smile still on her face
the words of concern don't make it out of his mouth because Akira comes to the side of his chair and hugs him tightly she buries her crystalline face in the hollow of his neck
his hands leave the cup and float around not knowing what to do
he hears the sighing and knows she is trying futilely not to cry
his heart constricts and he wraps his arms gently around the small of her back and squeezes her gently against him
"what's wrong? " he questions worried knowing it has something to do with the last years they have lived "shh quiet, I'm here"
she doesn't answer right away, she squeezes even more her embrace on him
reality hits her late, he is alive, he is with her, she didn't lose him, her feelings have come to the surface finally
Akira is glad to still feel something, she cries because the tragedy of her life has not been able to destroy her so much that she no longer feels anything
she cries because she can hug, touch and kiss Amon as many times as she wants and it won't be a dream
she cries because she feels
and is relieved because she can feel love
something as simple as that
she
can feel
love for the person who holds her so warmly and protectively in his arms, the warmth of his embrace is soothing for her internal wounds that still bleed and overflow her even though she tries uselessly not to let that happen
"I am so relieved that you are alive" she says between sobs and laughs in the middle of crying "I am relieved to feel you, to feel" she feels so vulnerable
she doesn't bother to hold back the tears, she lets her repressed feelings flow
it is as if each tear falls from the deepest part of her being, Amon 's arms loosen and with his large hand he takes her face to look into her eyes
she sees in the blue of his eyes the deep understanding of their pain
delicately wipes away her tears and tenderly kisses her temple , Akira can't help but keep sobbing and feels ridiculous
when she lost him, she had believed that a part of herself had been lost forever to
have him back isn't easy either, because it means she must face her cumulus of emotions that had been repressed for so long
their affection for each other is intact despite all the mess, she's worn out and so is Amon
but their affection for each other is purely intact and that's enough for her to want to keep surviving
happiness is too big a word for these moments, Akira doesn't believe that so soon they got to be happy
it's not happiness, it's fulfillment
she feels at peace and relieved
"I thought I'd lost you forever" she says in a whisper
her realization is late, "I promised I wouldn't go anywhere, and I won't" Amon promises once more
and the security Akira perceives in his voice is enough to calm her fear of losing him once more
, it's the first promise she allows herself to believe after so long
taking him by surprise, she kisses him abruptly, showing her desperation for him
she forgets her typical righteousness, the stoicism forced on herself since her mother's death.
she decides to throw all that away, she is not a machine of broken and empty dreams, she is Akira Mado who wants to be happy, who wants to admit her deep pain and emptiness, who wants to scream cry laugh and everything that implies to allow her to show her emotions, she knows it won't be easy, but she wants to start living her own life without the ghosts of the past, without the guilt of those long ago days, learning to heal every wound, the new ones as well as the old ones that were poisoned with hatred and denial, wounds that were so poisoned that they started to suffocate her,
she allows herself to wish for herself, and what she wants is a life surrounded by the people she loves, the person she loves
climbs into her lap without any shame, clinging tightly seeking refuge in her arms, melting into her lips
Amon has no trouble keeping up with her because he has missed her in the same way, He feels the salty taste of her tears in the middle of the kiss
he takes her tightly by the waist, his hands dare to go under her shirt and travel from her hips to her shoulders engraving the sensation of her porcelain skin
doubt at times, Akira looks like the most beautiful angel he has ever seen , he fears he will break under her undignified and rough touch
but he remembers they are both equally shattered and dulls any thought that wants to make him recoil
his hands continue to cherish the woman on top of him, but he can't help the persistent trembling in them
Akira senses it and slowly without wanting to break away breaks the kiss
they both gasp and Amon doesn't know where to place his trembling hands, she takes them and brings them to her small delicate and agitated face
"I'm still recovering" she apologizes in a whisper
he remembers she had been in a coma days ago,he blushes very slightly at his insinuation, she is also blushing
Amon pulls her and hugs her on his lap, Akira gasps at the sudden movement but relaxes automatically when she is embraced
, she settles her head in the hollow of his neck and closes her eyes while she listens to Koutarou's constant and agitated breathing that confirms again and again that he is well
Amon rests his face on her golden hair and breathes her perfume and Akira's own scent, the scent he notices now thanks to his sharpened senses
"Do you like it? "
she opens her eyes and he feels confused for a few moments, he thinks he's been discovered, until Akira speaks again
"the perfume, silly" she says mockingly and he smiles
"yes" he answers simply with a smile
it's useless to omit that fact, she knows more than the ghouls themselves about his anatomy and senses
Akira's face is furrowed with dry tears, she sighs and regulates her breathing, she rests comfortably in Amon's arms
and it's like that for a long time.
so long that she does not know at what point she lost consciousness and fell asleep
awake comfortably in her bed, well, the one that had been her bed these two previous nights
because of the little light that enters the room she realizes that it is already night
her eyes roam the large back of Amon in the bed next to her
his breathing tells her that he is not asleep
he moves and sits on the edge of the bed
she cannot see well in the dark, but from the posture of his silhouette she senses that something is keeping him awake
it's not as if it would be so easy to sleep again like a normal person
the nights before she preferred to leave him alone with his thoughts,
she observes him staring into nothingness, his back hunched, he gets frustrated seeing the same pose for the third time and not being able to tell if it is sadness or another emotion that overwhelms him at night
she looks out the window filtering moonlight, it must be quite late, since she woke up from her coma she is quite sleepy
tonight she cannot do nothing
"Koutarou" she dares to call him for the first time by his name, it comes out in a whisper
he reacts automatically to her voice and turns in her direction
she still lying wrapped in her blankets, she observes his face, now with a little more clarity, his hair that has grown quite a bit suits him, he has always been damned attractive
"did I wake you up? " he asks her almost with his back turned but his face in her direction
"not at all" she smiles slightly at him and stirs in her bed
she feels Amon's gaze on her
"if you're hungry I can buy something"he offers in a low voice, it's funny because they both talk as if there is someone else in the small house
she doesn't answer, she gets up from her place and shyly sits next to him on the other bed while he looks at her inquisitively
"I'm not hungry, I've slept all afternoon so I'm not sleepy either" she says stretching out, "from what I see neither are you"
he is always taking care of her, the thought ignites a spark of warmth and love in her
she dares to lie on her side on his bed, she looks at him with big violet eyes waiting for an explanation as she settles the pillow under her head
Amon smiles as he admires her, if there is one thing he longed for a long time it was her company like this, He ignores the mess around him and focuses on the woman he thought he would never see again
"I just think" he explains simply
Akira reaches out one of her hands and caresses the side of his face while she tells him to lie down next to her
he kisses the palm of her hand and obeys
hardly they both get into the single bed but Amon manages to wrap Akira in his arms so they are not uncomfortable
"what do you think? " she asks resuming the conversation
Amon looks into her eyes, she doesn't find any clear indication, her gaze accidentally drops to his lips and curses herself, she quickly looks back into his eyes, ignores the sudden dryness in her mouth, she still looks at him expectantly hiding her slight blush, she's thankful it's dark
"it's like you said, everything is so strange, we've lost so much. .."
before he continues, she nods in understanding
"we'll find a way, we'll be fine" she doesn't know where such assurance comes from, but she wants to make her own promise to him
she will be with him as he is with her, they will be fine, they are survivors
she notices small tears at the corners of his eyes as he looks at her
heart catches in her throat
"Amon..." before her hands wipe away his tears, Amon gently grabs her wrists and pulls her tightly against him
he hides his big head in the small hollow of her neck and she freezes for a moment as she hears small gasping breaths
her small arms wrap around his big back in return the embrace
she wonders how much pain he had to go through before returning to her.
she distributes kisses in his dark hair
"you can cry, I'm here" if it weren't for the very tremble in her voice she wouldn't realize that she has started to shed tears again she too
she never thought she would be so susceptible
Akira doesn't know that it's just her presence that makes Amon feel so vulnerable and susceptible.
the pain of not knowing if he'd ever see her again, if she'd ever reject him
his conscience torments him with dreams where he lives again the hell in that cell, where he is forced to eat and where sometimes he was tortured psychologically.
it is the pain of having her back, the fear that it is a trick of his conscience.
"Akira..." he calls her in a whisper with a deep voice right in her ear and her slender body trembles, she has always loved how her name sounds on his lips, no nickname, no one else knows how to say her name so correctly "I missed you so much" he confesses in her neck and his strong arms squeeze her even tighter
her violet eyes open again the small tears adorn her face, her heart contracts at every word
"I told you, I'm here and you can't separate from me" she says with a slight smile, her voice still trembling.
she also squeezes him tightly against her body
she gently pulls her big head out of his neck so she can look him in the eyes
brushes their noses as they wipe each other's tears.
Akira is the first to close the distance by joining their lips in a short kiss, she loses herself in his eyes for a moment and kisses him again more roughly.
they both get lost in the shared sensation and feelings, his big hands start to roam her small body and Akira feels shivering
the kisses are becoming not enough, the clothes are bothering them
she hugs him tightly by the neck deepening the kiss
she can't help the little moans that escape when Amon pulls her tight against himself
his warmth is intoxicating, the firmness of his hold, his gentle touch drives her crazy, this is where she realizes how much she has missed him and longed for him.
he slows down the rhythm of his kisses until he breaks away and gives her room to breathe
both pant heavily, again, Akira lies back on his chest
"You're still recovering" Amon reminds her this time.
blushes as she realizes that she is always the one who initiates the situation.
the tension in the atmosphere is palpable
"You said you missed me" she says into his chest.
she looks up and looks him in the eyes, she moves from her place so she can embrace his neck comfortably.
"show me" she asks as she looks him in the eyes
notices the surprise on Amon's face and slightly smiles flirtatiously
she barely pushes him away and begins to unbutton her shirt
he watches her spellbound
the bandages are already visible
"Akira.." he tries to warn her but is silenced with a kiss.
now they are in the same spot as that same day in the afternoon.
Akira's shirt is unbuttoned and exposes her scarred torso
Amon holds back the urge to draw the map
he notices how she shies away from his gaze, she knows he will ask questions, her bruised body makes her insecure
the bandages from her operation still cover her as useless protection because the reality is that they have already healed, only ugly scars are left
"I've hurt myself a lot these last few years" confesses in a heavy whisper
Amon pulls her to steal her breath again, he pushes her against the mattress and rises above her
He kisses her neck, her clavicles and Akira arches against him
he looks into her eyes to ask her permission and she nods with a smile
his warm body makes her shiver every time he brushes against hers, which is slowly getting warmer and warmer beyond her body
beyond her body, it brings warmth to her heart that was so cold before his death, for so many years she was so broken and cold, above all cold, unprotected.
now she feels warmth, in her body, in her heart, she feels security in the arms of this man she hated so much in the beginning, she prays that he will never let go of her because she thinks she might die if one day that happens
his mouth traces all the visible scars and Akira can only sigh with a gasp
she doesn't know if the tears in her eyes are from the same sentimentality as before or from the satisfaction of the caresses of the big hands on her body.
perhaps it is from both
he wraps her in an embrace and presses her against his big chest, she closes her eyes and listens to the beating of his heart, alive
"you don't have to be so strong with me, you can..you can be fragile" he whispers over her head and she finally starts sobbing again
"you are always taking care of me, let me take care of you too" she asks amidst small tears and sobs.
Akira remembers what she once read and found silly, now she takes it as a precious fact, 'what is love if not caring for the other's fragility as her own'
"I think I'll become like those lovebirds, you know? ..." she jokes in a heavy voice still in his chest
Amon takes her face delicately as he lays her down on the bed again and looks into her eyes
they both smile
"stop looking at me like that and make love to me" whispers Akira in the privacy of the room
she notices the momentary surprise on Amon's face at her words
then the room fills with gasps, whispers, shaky breaths, moans and groans...
They have never been good with words, each touch expressing what they have always wanted to confess to each other
their naked bodies, in each other's warmth and security
their small hands caress him all over as if to prove he is real.
Amon does the same
they try not to break the contact, as if they want to merge together
Akira warns him in the middle of their affections that it's his first time
and Koutarou treats her as if she were made of crystal, soft touches, tender kisses
he is gentle as always
she pampers him too, with wet kisses on his neck, caresses through his hair, light caresses on his arms as he hovers over her and takes the breath from her mouth as he inserts his tongue
a silver thread separates them and she admits she likes it, kisses him again, sharing his taste
he takes care to prepare her and stimulate her just enough before taking her breath away again as he enters her
they bring their foreheads together and brush their noses
Akira is tired of waiting, she crosses and squeezes her legs pushing him against her so that he begins to fill her completely
Koutarou stifles his moans into his neck, Akira allows herself to moan openly, her sounds and gasps fill the room stimulating Amon who thinks it's the best thing he's ever heard in his life
they both waited too long to be in each other's arms
they would be lying if they both said they had never fantasized about this moment
pleasure floods Akira, she has never felt like this before, she doesn't want it to end, she doesn't want Amon's arms to leave her
with a stifled scream escaping from her mouth the orgasm reaches her
her partner doesn't let her rest and continues to ram into her as her legs come apart
soon he comes too
it takes a few moments before he lies down next to her
They lie there for a while waiting for their breathing to regulate
Amon embraces her as he leaves kisses on her head and caresses her soft hair
she feels exhausted but at the same time safe, she thinks this is the first night of real rest she will have after so many years
before she falls deeply asleep, with the feeling of Amon's fingers in her hair and him heart beating in her ear she whispers
"Amon, I think I love you"
his hand stops abruptly for a few moments, she is too tired to claim him for it or to wait for a response
"I think I do too..."
"stay by my side, please" she asks with her last sighs before she falls asleep to her sleep
"I already told you..."
he notices her breathing that tells him she is falling asleep
Amon kisses her head
her slender body relaxed and naked in his arms, their limbs entangled,
he can't sleep and waste this feeling of pleasant the warmth of her body
he's gonna take care of this
he discovers that with Akira in his arms he is truly happy, when observes her on his chest with a relaxed and carefree face he also realizes that he has a great capacity for love, one that he will not waste, not again, not this time.