Work Text:
Things with Adrian were going well. You’d been dating for about a month and had already decided that being exclusive was the right choice for the two of you. He was staying over at your new apartment for the first time, and the weekend was spent going for hikes, playing video games, and sleeping together. It would’ve been an ideal weekend, but something was nagging at the back of your mind. There was something you didn’t know how to tell him.
“I should go soon,” Adrian said, but he didn’t move. His arms were tightly wrapped around you as you lay on his chest in your bed.
“Stay,” you whispered, your body tensing. He couldn’t go without you saying what was on your mind.
“Just for a bit,” he agreed. “But I do have to go eventually.”
“Boo, that’s lame.”
“We can FaceTime tomorrow and play chess,” he offered. “Maybe I’ll even win.”
“Yeah right,” you snorted. Your mind was still only half on the conversation. Tell him what happened.
He kissed the top of your head. “You’re cute when you’re cocky.”
You hummed in response. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. Your eyes began to water and you shook slightly as you cried.
Adrian stiffened as he felt your body shake. He held your cheek and positioned your face to look at him. His eyes were narrowed with concern and his lips were pursed.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. All you could manage was a shrug. “Sweetie, what’s wrong? Are you upset that I have to go home? I’ll still see you next weekend, I promise.”
You shook your head no.
“Then what’s wrong.”
I was…
“I’m sorry I didn’t make you cum,” you said. You weren’t sure why that was what came out of your mouth. It was true, but it wasn’t what was on your mind.
“Are you serious?” he asked, taken aback. It looked like he was about to laugh, or maybe have a heart attack. You started to cry harder and he held you tighter. “No, no, don't cry. It’s okay. You don’t have to make me finish. It’s okay.”
All you could do was nod before burying your face in his chest. Tell him why you needed to stop before he came. Tell him why you’re really upset.
“Look at me,” he said sternly. You managed to look up at him. “You don’t ever have to feel bad about making me finish. If you need or want to stop, we stop. Understand?”
You nodded.
“I need to hear you say it. Do you understand that you did not do anything wrong and you can stop whenever you need to stop?”
“I understand,” you muttered out.
Adrian kissed your forehead again and let his lips linger. His arms were tight around your body. “Good. Good. This… you don’t need to be upset about this. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know.”
“I don’t get why you’re so upset,” Adrian said, his voice shaky. “Do you feel pressured to sleep with me?”
“No!” you nearly shouted. You lowered your voice and sighed. “No, baby, no. I… I just…” Tell him what happened. “I don’t…”
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“If… if I can’t sleep with you, then I’m worthless.”
Adrian became very still. You flinched hearing your own words. They were true, or at least felt true, but they still weren’t the words you needed to say.
Just spit it out.
Adrian began to speak, but you cut him off.
“I was raped.”
Your words hung in the air for a moment before Adrian slowly released his arms around you. He pulled away from you, making you cry harder.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” you said, unsure why you were apologizing. “It was earlier this year, way before we met. I… I shouldn’t have told you. Should I have told you? I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
You hugged your pillow and cried into it while Adrian sat with his legs crossed next to you, his head in his hands.
“No… no I’m glad you told me. I… fuck,” he stammered. He was quiet for a few moments. You watched him while you cried softly. He looked down at his lap, his eyes darting around like he was thinking. “Thank you for telling me.”
You nodded in response, not sure what else to say. You waited for Adrian to say something else.
“Did you get checked for STDs?”
Your body stiffened. You wanted to scream. That’s your response? What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you fucking ask me that right now? Is the possibility of me getting an std and giving it to you all you can think about right now?
“Yeah,” was all you said.
“And you… do you…”
“I’m clean.”
“Good, that’s good,” he said with a sigh of relief. “Did you tell your parents?”
“No.”
“You should. You need a support system to get through this.”
You glared at Adrian. “I’m not telling my parents.”
“You should,” he said again.
“Not everyone has parents that they can talk to about this stuff,” you muttered. You felt numb. This wasn’t how the conversation was supposed to go.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Here, let me hold you while you cry and tell you that you’re safe with me. I can stay a while longer and play with your hair and when you feel a little better I can make jokes to distract you. I care about you. I’ll listen to you.
That’s all you wanted to hear, but the more Adrian spoke, the worse you felt.
“Did you call the police?”
“Why the fuck would I do that?”
“So he doesn’t get away with it,” Adrian said, like it was obvious.
Yeah, sure, I’ll just call the police and said “Hey cops, I went to a man’s apartment with the intention of sleeping with him, which there is proof of in our texts, and while there I changed my mind, but he decided to keep going anyway, but you can’t verify that, all you can verify is that I came over with the intent to sleep with him and that’s what happened!
“It doesn’t work like that,” you muttered.
Adrian sighed again. He stood up and began pacing around your bedroom. You watched him, but you didn’t move from your spot in bed.
“I really think you should tell someone. Call the cops to at least tell your parents.”
“No.”
Adrian continued to pace. He always had a hard time staying still. Usually, you enjoyed his constant need to move around. It made you feel grounded. In that moment you just wanted him to hold you.
As you watched, he began to pack up his things. You cried silently as he talked and packed.
“I’m sorry. I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with you anymore. We can still be friends though and go on dates and stuff.”
“Are we breaking up?” you asked.
“Well we can’t break up since we aren’t together,” Adrian responded. That felt like a shard of ice piercing your chest.
“Oh.”
“Next weekend we can still go out. And tomorrow we can call and play chess. It’ll be fun.”
“Are you going to ghost me?” you asked.
“What? No! Why would you think that!?”
You didn’t answer. Maybe because we went from exclusively dating to being “just friends” that go on dates which makes no fucking sense, all while you pack up to leave.
“Can I give you a hug before I go?” he asked. You nodded in response.
Adrian came over to the bed and wrapped his arms around you. You could feel him shake as he held you.
“Big hug,” he said, squeezing you slightly. “C’mon, hug me back.”
You squeezed back harder. You didn’t want him to go. Even if his reaction was weird and upsetting, you needed him there.
“There ya go,” he said, letting you go. You looked up at him with wide eyes.
“Kiss me?” you asked. “Please.”
Adrian looked hesitant but nodded. He lifted your chin and pressed your lips to his. The kiss lasted a while, much longer than a peck, but neither of your mouths moved. You held tightly onto him and he to you before he eventually broke the kiss.
“I should go,” he said.
“But I’ll see you again, right?”
“Of course,” he said, but he didn’t sound convincing. He grabbed his bag and walked to your bedroom site. He opened it, then hesitated before turning back. “It’s not my place to tell you what to do, but I really think you should tell your parents and press charges.”
At that moment, you wanted to die. You stared at Adrian and gave him no response. You felt numb as he left. You felt even more numb as you heard his car leaving. Your mind raced with everything you wanted to say to him. You wanted to scream at him that his reaction was awful and painful. You wanted to be held by him until you fell asleep. You wanted to know if you being raped ruined your relationship even though it had been nine months ago. You wanted to tell him every detail of what happened.
I can’t remember the man’s face. I remember how big he was. He was a foot and 4 inches taller than me. He weighed close to 300 pounds. He left bruises on my chest from where he pinned me down with one arm. I bled and cried and screamed but he didn’t stop. I could hear the neighbors through the thin walls. No one cared. No one helped. I drove home sobbing with half a mind to crash my car. I couldn’t shower or use the bathroom with the lights on for weeks. I became addicted to sex and dissociated every time I let a stranger use me. I didn’t dissociate with you because you’re the only man I’ve ever slept with that I cared about and that cared about me. I told you because you mean so much to me, and I trust you with everything. I hate how you reacted. I wish you just held me. I wish you were here now.