Chapter Text
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“Do you know what today is?!” Delia asked, barely able to contain her excitement.
Patsy groaned and rolled to face away from the brunette. “Not yet Deels, it’s too early… We have the day off, let’s just sleep a bit more...”
“No, we can’t just sleep a bit more you old grump,” Delia said, snatching away the pillow the redhead had pulled over her head.
It had been three months since Delia had returned to work after her recovery from the accident, and as of yet, no one at Nonnatus had made any comments about Patsy and Delia continuing to stay together in the large room. The couple was beginning to feel it was a permanent arrangement, and often remarked on how unbelievably well all had worked out. They now had the gift of waking up beside one another nearly every day, with the exception of Patsy working night shifts, which had been the case three nights this week.
The older half of the couple still wasn’t caught up on sleep and grumbled, pulling the blanket up over her head, curling into a tighter ball and shielding herself from the sunlight beginning to shine into the room.
“It’s the 1st Pats… December 1st… and you know what that means… it’s officially Christmas season!”
“Joy…” Patsy mumbled from beneath the blankets.
“Oh, quit being a grouch you stubborn girl. I know the holidays aren’t your favorite… actually, I know they’re rather difficult for you…” Delia trailed off remembering all that Patsy had shared about the camp and how much of the worst of the abuse began her first December there.
Delia gently laid a hand on Patsy’s hip, something that was happily no longer triggering for the redhead on most days. She sighed and continued speaking. “I would never want you to hide those feelings, but I’m just asking that you consider feeling some other things too… some other things with me… with us… because the holidays, well they’re quite magical for me.. and I know how good Christmas can feel, so I’d like to help you have some of those good experiences too… that is, if you’ll let me…” Delia trailed off losing steam, and her shoulders slumped.
Patsy sighed and rolled over, looking up at the younger woman.
“Sorry…” Delia said. “Now I feel selfish for asking. I know this time of year is hard for you Pats… I’ve just been thinking for a while how I’d like to help you feel some good things this time of year…”
Patsy reached out and took the brunette’s hand then pulled gently. “Come here,” Patsy said with a smile.
Delia quickly slid down and folded into the taller woman’s arms, letting her cheek rest on Patsy’s shoulder.
“It’s not selfish at all… and I know you’re trying because you want me to have a better experience than… than what I’ve known…”
Delia nodded and turned, kissing Patsy’s neck making them both smile and move even closer.
“Exactly Pats!” This really can be such a fun and even romantic time of year… at least I’ve always wanted it to be romantic and full of love.. and I want that for us. I want to have a special Christmas with you…. Technically this is our first time being together for the holidays, since last year you decided to run off to volunteer… you do have a habit of doing your best to be anywhere but here this time of year…”
“Slow down Deels, you’re having a conversation for two with yourself again,” the older woman said, feeling a sudden flood of love for this happy and excited version of Delia.
Delia smiled and let Patsy finish. “But yes, I do leave. It’s what I’ve done for years. That’s the point Deels. I do it intentionally. In all honesty, I’ve dreaded this time of year…. for a number of reasons… it’s just…. hard… so I avoid it all together, and go off somewhere to work… that’s how I can get through it.”
Delia thought for a moment, hating the pain in her lover. She traced light patterns on the arm draped across her waist and considered the redhead’s words.
“Well, you don’t have to just get through it now Pats, we can do it together. Maybe we can do what we have done with some of your other memories and make new ones on top of the old.” Delia felt Patsy’s heartbeat quicken and she looked up to see a far away look in the older woman’s eyes.
“Pats, will you be here with me now?” Delia asked.
Over the last year she had found this question to work best at snapping Patsy away from memories quickly. Delia placed her hand on Patsy’s chest to ground her in the present. “I’m right here Pats, are you here with me?”
Patsy closed her eyes and shook her head then moved her hand to cover Delia’s. “Just… thinking…”
“About what?” Delia said softly.
Patsy took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, clearly rearranging her thoughts. “You… your stubbornness… how you might actually be the one to change all this for me… if I can get my mind out of the way…”
Delia smiled. “I want so much to help you feel something better this time of year Pats… something new….”
Patsy sighed. “Perhaps it might just be time for that…. now that I know I have you here… I feel better than I ever have, and deep down I suppose I’ve always yearned for that happy feeling so many seem to have during the holidays…”
Delia sat up with a giant grin. “Yes Pats! Yes! We can do it now! We can find that happy together now! We can do the traditional activities of the season, and we can make our own traditions and –“
Patsy laughed and sat up too. “You really do love Christmas time, don’t you?”
“More than I can say! I love Christmas and I’ve always wanted to be able to do all of the fun holiday things with someone I love… and now I can! That is… if you want to…”
Patsy already felt mentally exhausted thinking of the enormous grief that came with the season, but as she looked at the excited brunette, she felt an unfamiliar flutter of happiness in her chest thinking of sharing some of those special Christmas moments with this woman she loved so much. Perhaps she really could feel something different this time of year… Patsy’s attention was pulled back to Delia.
“You don’t have to, of course… I know it might not be something you’re ready for yet… or ever…”
“Maybe I’m not ready…” Patsy started, “but maybe I am… if you love Christmas this much, I’m thinking maybe I should give you the chance to show it to me… rather than running off to some dark corner of the world to hide,” Patsy finished with a laugh.
Delia was smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. “Thank you Pats. Thank you for even considering it… I know how much of a change this will be, but I’m right here with you, and whatever comes up is okay, we’ll just figure it out together. Like we always do.”
“Like we always do…” Patsy repeated as she leaned in and kissed Delia.
Delia pulled away after a moment looking concerned.
“What?” Patsy asked. “Do I need to brush? Gosh that’s embarrassing she said, starting to get out of bed.
Delia laughed and pulled Patsy back then drew her in for another kiss. “No you silly fool. I was just thinking about something important…”
“Out with it then.”
“I need you to communicate with me Pats. I need you to really use your words when things are getting a bit muddled up here…” she said, reaching up and running her fingers through red hair. “I need to know when things are coming up, so I can help… Can you do that?”
Patsy could see how serious Delia was, and knew this was important to the younger woman.
“And most importantly, I need you to not hide what you’re feeling to try to keep me happy. I know you Pats… and I can’t have that. Do you promise to not stuff it down? Will you tell me when things are… hard?”
Patsy thought for a moment, then nodded. “I’ll try Deels. I will. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling this time of year, but if it’s hard, and I recognize that, I’ll tell you.”
“Thank you.” Delia smiled.
“So now can we go back to sleep for a bit? It’s only seven thirty and it’s our day off…”
“Absolutely not, Pats!” Delia said, getting out of bed. “It’s the 1st, there’s loads to do! We’ve got to pick up our gifts for everyone today because this is one of the only days we’re off together and I need your input. I imagine that will take most of the day…”
“You’re joking!” Patsy shouted. Deels you know I hate shopping…”
“Too bad Pats! You’re coming with me.”
Patsy crossed her arms and grumbled. “Can we at least get lunch?”
Delia smiled. “If there’s time, yes, we can get lunch. And when we return this evening, I have a surprise.”
“You know how I feel about surprises Deels…”
“Yes I do, but I think you’ll like this one. Now get dressed, we’ve got at least five shops to get to.”
Patsy begrudgingly made her way out of bed but felt a lightness in her chest thinking of the possibility of feeling something new this holiday season.
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“Oh, Pats! Look at these! They’re adorable!”
Patsy walked over to where Delia was looking at glass Christmas tree ornaments. The older woman glanced at the multicolored delicate decorations but much preferred watching the joy Delia seemed to get as she admired them through the clear packaging.
“Look at the little scenes in them! Oh, there’s Santa Claus! And Reindeer!”
Patsy laughed. “They are quite cute aren’t they?”
Delia nodded without looking up as she moved the box side to side, marveling at the patterns and different shapes of the ornaments.
“I’ve never seen any so ornate! They’re beautiful…”
“Why don’t you get them then?” Patsy asked.
“Oh… I couldn’t… they’re far too expensive…. I hardly have enough for everyone else’s gifts as it is… I’m a bit low on funds after so much time off…” Delia set the box back down on the shelf. “No bother Pats, I get just as much enjoyment out of getting gifts for friends. I think I’m all done here… I love everything we picked out, don’t you?”
“Mmm…” the redhead said distractedly.
“Let’s head up to the register, there’s a line…” Delia said, turning and pointing toward the front of the shop. “I can’t believe how busy it is… clearly we weren’t the only ones with this idea…”
Delia and Patsy looked around at all the women and children happily shopping. There seemed to be a contagious buzz with excitement in the air that Patsy was beginning to notice, and she couldn’t help but smile as she saw children looking at toys and reaching for candy canes.
“We only have the shop next door left.”
“Then lunch?” Patsy asked hopefully.
Delia laughed. “Yes, then lunch.”
“Why don’t you go on ahead Deels. Get a head start. I’ll pay here and catch up.”
“Are you sure Pats?”
Patsy gave Delia a ‘don’t argue with me’ look and Delia put her hands up and backed toward the door.
“Fair enough Pats, we better get some food in you soon. You’re starting to get grumpy as an old hungry bear.”
Patsy laughed and Delia winked. “See you in a bit then.”
Patsy watched Delia off then quickly walked back to the decorations display and picked up the box of ornaments Delia had been admiring. The redhead had never had a romantic partner to buy gifts for, and she was overwhelmed with happiness thinking of the joy Delia would have opening them. Patsy then moved back to a shelf that had the winter clothing and picked up the set of matching gloves, scarf and hat she had also noticed Delia holding up next to her skin earlier as she gazed into the mirror on the wall. Patsy smiled again thinking of surprising Delia with a present she knew she had wanted.
On her way up to the register something shiny caught Patsy’s eye. She turned and saw a display case filled with Christmas themed jewelry and the redhead was instantly drawn to a pair of earrings that looked like little reindeer. Patsy already knew Delia loved reindeer and they were one of the younger woman’s most favorite parts of the holidays.
“Is there something you would like to see in the case?” a bubbly young shop employee said as she approached Patsy.
“I think I’d like to see those ones there,” the taller woman said pointing.
“Oh, the reindeer! I love those! Absolutely precious. We only received three pair of those in total, and the other two have already gone. These are the last of them.”
“Really?” Patsy said, falling in love with them as she imagined the look on Delia’s face as she put them on.
“Yes ma’am. And this is the last matching brooch,” the young woman said, holding up the reindeer pin. “The set wouldn’t be complete without it.”
“I suppose it wouldn’t…”
“What do you think? I think any woman would be thrilled with it.”
“Yes, I think she will be,” Patsy said with a smile. “Can I get them wrapped up?”
“Of course!” The girl said, taking the jewelry back. “I can help you check out here at this counter too if you’re all finished… avoid that long line over there…”
“That would be lovely,” Patsy said, watching the young girl wrap the little reindeer then move on to wrapping the gloves, hat and scarf. “Can I get those two tucked down at the bottom of the bag? The ornaments as well. Trying to keep them a bit of a secret.”
“Of course,” the girl said with a smile. “You’re just about the hundredth person to ask me that today. Isn’t this time of year wonderful? So many happy surprises…” the girl said, tucking the wrapped packages in the paper bag.
“Happy surprises indeed,” Patsy said as her mind wandered to how and when she would share the gifts with Delia. “Happy surprises indeed…”
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“Alright Pats?” Delia asked, stepping out of the bustling shop and into the chilly afternoon air.
Patsy nodded. “Hope it’s alright I waited outside, not much for crowds and these small shops being so full is beginning to feel a bit exhausting.”
Delia reached out and put her hand on Patsy’s arm. “I know love. Thank you for being patient and doing this with me. Ready for lunch?”
“You know I am. Would you mind just going for a pint and some fish and chips at the pub?”
Delia nodded seeing a bit of tension in Patsy’s brow, recognizing she most likely needed something familiar after the foreign act of shopping in new places around so many people. “Of course, that sounds delicious.”
Delia pulled her jacket tighter around her. “Gosh, it’s freezing Pats, I don’t know how you can stand it out here.”
Patsy laughed. “It’s marvelous. The crisp air is refreshing. But let’s get you into that warm pub.”
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“Slow down Pats,” Delia laughed, watching as the older woman drank a third of her beer in one go. “On an empty stomach, that’ll go straight to your head.”
Patsy set down her glass. “Sorry, just ready to relax a bit. Too many people in small spaces... But that actually was a good bit of fun… that Christmas shopping. Never really done it before… not like that.”
“Really?” Delia asked with surprise.
Patsy shook her head. “Neither my father or I were ever… in the mood again after… after they were gone, so we just skipped it altogether and never talked about it.”
Delia could see Patsy was starting to take on that deeper look of fatigue as she recalled her past. “I’m sorry love. That sounds… that sounds painful.”
Patsy looked down and shrugged. “We managed. Then when I headed off for nursing, I just always kept myself busy so I wouldn’t…”
“So you wouldn’t notice what was missing?”
Patsy looked at Delia, surprised she could finish that thought. “Right. Yes… that’s exactly it.”
Delia nodded and waited for Patsy to continue.
“Things had happened to me that… that I didn’t know how to handle… and I had seen terrible things too… and I really just needed my sister and my mother… but they weren’t there… and it felt like a part of me was lost… and they were lost… and…”
Patsy took a drink of her beer and took a deep breath. “Gosh, sorry. That all came out of nowhere. Didn’t mean for that to be so grim…”
“Don’t apologize Pats. The truth isn’t grim. It’s good to get it out. You need to let it out.”
Patsy nodded and took another drink. “But this year, for the first time, it feels a lot less…. empty.” She looked up at Delia. “It was fun being able to do the shopping with someone.”
Delia smiled as food was set down in front of them by Jane.
“Good to see ya lasses,” she said with a wink as she turned and headed back to the bar.
“Thank goodness,” Patsy said with relief. “I thought she’d want to chat and that half glass is indeed making its way to my head.”
Delia laughed as she watched Patsy stuff chips into her mouth, then turned and looked at the Christmas lights that had recently been added to the window by their usual two top table.
Patsy watched as the younger woman looked at the red, blue, and green bulbs, and again felt a warmth in her chest as she observed Delia appreciate the decorations.
“I’m happy you’re showing me that this time of year can be different.”
Delia turned and took in Patsy’s tired but relaxed expression. She reached out and placed her hand on Patsy’s arm once more. “Thank you for letting me.”
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As they finished their food Delia said, “Pats, I just remembered one more thing I need to pick up, but I think you should head back and settle in, and I’ll catch up. I’ll only be twenty minutes behind you. Just enough time for you to get changed into something more comfortable and put kettle on for us.”
“Normally I’d argue with you, but I am ready for a bit of quiet. You sure it’s alright?”
“I’d prefer it in fact. I don’t want you getting worn out when I have so many other things planned for you,” Delia said with a mischievous grin. “In fact, you can head off now. I’ll just pay and head to shop then be there before you know it.”
Patsy thought for a minute, then nodded in agreement and stood. “In that case, I think it would be for the best so I’m not an old grump this evening,” she said with a wink.
Delia laughed and nodded as she watched Patsy head for the door.
____________
Thirty five minutes later Delia knocked quietly at their bedroom door, then peaked her head in. She could see the bags dropped beside the sofa, and her eyes landed on Patsy who was fast asleep sitting on the sofa with her elbow on the arm rest and her head held in her hand. Her shoes had been kicked off, but she was still fully dressed otherwise.
Delia smiled and sighed. “Just as I thought you silly girl. Plum worn out. That’s alright love…” she said quietly as she laid a blanket across the older woman and carefully moved the bags to the closet.
Delia looked to the clock and saw it was just after five. “You rest for an hour love, and then we’ll finish up.”
Delia knew it may be unsettling for Patsy to wake in an empty room in an unfamiliar sleeping spot after mentions of the camp and a somewhat stressful day, so she opted to sit close by in Sister Monica Joan’s armchair and took the opportunity to relax and flip through a Christmas cooking magazine she had picked up.
____________
About an hour later Patsy began to stir and stretch and Delia looked up from the Christmas cake recipe she was reading.
Patsy opened her eyes and looked around blearily.
“Hello, love,” Delia said, setting down her magazine and standing to walk over to the sofa.
“How long have I been asleep?” Patsy asked through a yawn.
“Just about an hour,” Delia said, sitting beside the redhead. Patsy moved and with uncharacteristic openness, tucked her legs up on the sofa and moved to her side, letting her head rest in Delia’s lap as she took the smaller woman’s arm and pulled it across her so that she was holding Delia’s hand in front of her chest. “I guess I was tired after all,” she said.
Delia nodded and ran her fingers through red hair, letting her nails gently move across Patsy’s head in the way she loved. “Feeling alright sweetheart?” Delia asked, a bit surprised by Patsy’s demeanor.
“Do you know what Delia… I just had the best dream. I don’t ever have good dreams… It’s either terrible things, or nothing at all… But I just had a good one, a really good one… I truly can’t remember the last time that happened.”
Delia felt relief hearing Patsy’s words. She let her hand still and rest on Patsy’s head. “What was it about Pats?”
“Us. We were walking through the park in the evening, like when we get off work and we’re talking about our day. We were just passing that bench we sometimes stop at, then suddenly there was a reindeer walking toward us! We stopped and waited, and it walked directly to us… You put your hand out and it put its chin right on your hand... then it did the same for me. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing, and that animal was enormous, but so gentle. Its fur was so soft and seemed to sparkle in the moonlight... And then you know what it did?” Patsy turned and looked up at Delia.
The brunette shook her head, listening intently. “Go on Pats!”
“A bell started ringing somewhere off in the distance and its ears began moving all about like it was locating which direction the sound was coming from. Then it looked at both of us, bowed its head, turned and took a few steps, then leapt into the air! And you know what Deels? It just kept going! Higher and higher! It was flying! It actually flew out of the park! It was straight out of a fairy tale, but it felt so real! And then I woke up.”
“Oh, that’s a wonderful dream Pats! I think I might be jealous! I’d love to see that and have it feel real. It sounds positively magical!”
Patsy smiled. “It was magical Deels. And you know what? I think it was a sign. A sign that things are changing, and this Christmas is going to be special… because of you.”
Delia felt a warmth in her chest and pulled Patsy closer. “I think it will be special too Pats.”
Patsy sat up and looked at Delia for a moment then pulled her into a kiss, doing what she could to convey her appreciation and love.
“Now, how about that tea before this so called surprise.”
Delia laughed. “Yes. I’ll head down to the kitchen and by the time I get back I expect you in your pajamas. This is meant to be a relaxing evening just for us.”
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Delia returned ten minutes later with a tray of tea and toast with butter. She smiled seeing Patsy sitting in the armchair in her pajamas reading the Christmas cooking magazine.
Patsy set it down and came to the table. “That cake does sound rather delicious, doesn’t it?”
“Yes it does! You know I’ll be making you try it out with me, right? Delia said, pulling her pajamas out of the dresser and turning to change.
“I had my suspicions,” Patsy called over her shoulder, giving Delia privacy as she added their preferred amount of sugar to both their cups.
“Now what is this surprise business all about? You know I truly don’t…”
Delia dropped a box beside Patsy with a loud thud. “Here it is Pats, before your mind goes off and wandering. I told you it will be fun!”
Patsy looked down and cautiously pulled back one cardboard flap.
“It won’t bite you silly fool,” Delia said, dropping to her knees and opening the box. “Isn’t it wonderful! Fred found it in the shed and said no one around here used them… and I thought they were perfect!”
Patsy watched as Delia began pulling out old dusty Christmas decorations. To her they looked a bit dull, but she could see Delia couldn’t have been happier if it was a box full of gold bricks.
“I thought we could decorate the room Pats!”
Patsy laughed. Normally she despised Christmas decorations, but something was shifting on this day. Suddenly… seeing the joy in Delia… she felt a change.
“I’m no good at decorating Deels, but I’ll watch you…”
“You’re not getting out of it that easy…” Delia said, setting a jumbled mess of lights and cord in Patsy’s lap. “Untangle this, I want to wrap it around the window…” Delia said, standing with an armful of a dozen large red bows. “I’m going to put these on the lamps, the bed posts, and on the curtain tie backs.”
In the time it took Delia to place the bows and return to the box, Patsy had only made her way through half of the string of lights, grumbling at the knotted cord the entire time.
“You’re doing great Pats,” Delia said, pulling out two ribbons with bells and moving to place them on the room door knob and the closet door knob.
“Gee thanks,” Patsy mumbled, but as she looked up and saw Delia standing, hands on hips, gazing around the room and planning, she couldn’t help but smile.
“Look at this! Aren’t they just darling!” Delia pulled a wax Santa Clause and a small Santa figurine with a bell in his hand, out of the box. She wound the small key on the Santa’s back and his arm began to move back and forth ringing the bell. “Oh, isn’t’ that just adorable!” Delia exclaimed.
Patsy couldn’t help but laugh at the small figurine. Delia set the wax Santa on the table beside the armchair and the bell-ringing Santa on the table by the sofa.
“There we go!” Patsy shouted as the last of the knots came free.
“Well done!” Delia praised as she clapped. “Now, I need your height. I want it up here,” she said, pointing above the window.”
“Even I’ll need a chair for that Deels,” Patsy said, pulling one up to the window. She stood on the chair and laid the light string across the nails that were conveniently left from an old window dressing. Delia then tucked the string along the bottom edge so that the lights neatly framed the window. Patsy climbed down off the chair and moved to plug in the cord.
“Moment of truth, Deels… fingers crossed…”
The bulbs lit with a warm glow and Delia squealed like a child as the blues, greens, and reds were illuminated.
Patsy stood and stepped back beside Delia.
“Oh, it’s perfect! Now it really feels like Christmas is coming!” the younger woman said.
Patsy watched as Delia stared at the glowing light string, beginning to enjoy the warmth in her chest that she felt in these moments.
Delia turned. “Is it alright Pats? Are you okay with the decorations? If they’re too much of a reminder we can…”
Patsy moved to face Delia, enjoying the way the colored lights reflected in her eyes. She wrapped her arms around the younger woman and let her hands clasp behind the small of her back.
“They’re the perfect reminder that this year, I’m with you. And this year Christmas can be different.”
Delia nodded and brushed red hair away from blue eyes. “This year will be our Christmas Pats. We’ll make new memories.”
“Our first of many Christmas’s together,” Patsy said, leaning in, letting her lips meet Delia’s.
“Oh, there’s one more I forgot!” Delia said, breaking away from the kiss and running back to the box. “I saved the best for last!” Delia pulled a small glass reindeer figure out of the box. “Where should we put him Pats?”
Patsy smiled. “I think he should go on the windowsill here, so he can be beneath the lights.”
Delia handed the reindeer to Patsy and she placed him in the center of the sill.
“Perfect,” Delia said.
Patsy gazed at the reindeer figure. “Yes, I think he’ll be quite happy here beneath the lights.”