Chapter Text
The more that I spill my soul
The more that I get let go
'Cause I'm the kind of heavy, heavy
No one wants to carry
Bleeding out, biting on my tongue
A few weeks passed, and with them, Buck's condition worsened. His world had become nothing but black and white, revolving around continuing his eating disorder without jeopardizing his job – a balancing act that proved increasingly difficult.
Why was he doing this? It was one of the few things he could truly commit to, because, seemingly, one of the few things he was good at was starving himself. Deep down, he likely hoped it would draw more attention, perhaps even more love.
What had started as eating less gradually evolved into an obsession. He immersed himself in researching how to lose more weight, scouring the internet for tips and even reading books on the subject.
Buck discovered several tips that seemed useful. For example, he kept ice cubes or grapes in his freezer. Whenever he craved something to eat, he could snack on those. He also had a variety of chewing gums at home, convinced that chewing gum helped trick his brain into thinking it was eating.
He decided to try a "rainbow diet" for a week, a concept he found online. The plan was simple: Mondays were white days, where he ate an apple for breakfast and lunch, and a cucumber for dinner. Tuesdays included two bananas and corn. On the third day, he ate nothing. Then came the orange day, where the food choice was obvious. The diet seemed to work—he lost a considerable amount of weight that week, which wasn’t surprising given that his daily calorie intake was under 200.
Buck had also learned that eating small amounts was necessary to lose weight. While starving himself worked for a few days, he realized that eventually, he needed to consume something to jumpstart his metabolism and prevent his body from shutting down.
Don't want anyone to drown with me
I'll lose everyone if I'm not fake
Rather die than let you see me break
I'm too heavy, I'm too heavy
Over the course of these weeks, the team began to notice subtle changes in Buck’s behaviour. He was rarely seen sitting anymore – even during meetings, he would often stand by a wall with his arms crossed. Standing, after all, burned more calories than sitting.
He had also become increasingly isolated from the team. While he would occasionally speak up during conversations, he was never fully engaged. When questions were directed at him, it often took being addressed twice before he responded, his mind clearly elsewhere. Of course, his continued weight loss didn’t go unnoticed either. Though Buck tried to conceal his body with jackets and oversized shirts, it was still visible.
His relationship with his body became more about hiding it, even from the people who cared about him. This was part of his inner conflict: initially, he wanted others to see his pain because it was a form of communication—something he felt was needed to express his suffering. But over time, the disorder became something he depended on more internally, and so he hid the physical signs of it.
Of course, the team noticed and tried to address Buck's behaviour. Some approached it more indirectly, like Hen, who would occasionally talk about how eating disorders went too far and how damaging they were. Others, like Chimney, were more direct, often making jokes about Buck's body, as only Chimney could. Bobby, however, held back. He could clearly see how badly Buck was struggling, but he had made a promise to himself to stay silent until either Eddie or Buck asked for help. The problem was that Bobby knew he should report Buck, take him off active duty, but he also knew that doing so would only push Buck deeper into his downward spiral. So, Bobby kept his distance, giving Buck the lightest tasks during calls, hoping it was enough to help him in some way.
As for Eddie, he had no idea what to do. He watched his best friend slip further away, not just in body but in spirit. The sparkle that used to shine in Buck’s eyes was fading, and Eddie didn’t know what to do, he never felt so helpless before.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t all Eddie noticed. He saw the increasing number of bruises on Buck’s body, and he noticed that, when stressed or when others around him ate, Buck would begin scratching the spot between his thumb and index finger, where a raw, irritated area already had formed on his left hand. The bruises were a result of Buck’s nutrient deficiency; all it took was a slight bump and he’d have another mark on his skin—most of them from that, at least. Some, however, were from Tommy's rough handling.
Avoid me when I'm vulnerable
My story makes you so uncomfortable
Feels like being brave is what gets you discarded
Don't get me started, don't get me started
There was, however, one positive aspect to Buck’s eating disorder—it caused him to pull away more and more from Tommy, something the older man didn’t like. Whenever they did meet, Tommy would usually explode in anger, but Buck didn’t care. The pain Tommy caused him was a reminder that he was still alive. It gave him something to feel, to briefly break through the numbness and add a splash of color to his otherwise black-and-white world, even if it was only for a moment. It was like a reflection of how disconnected he had become from his emotions, but with it he also found a way of experiencing the physical sensation of life, even if it was painful.