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Chapter Text

Someone had told Christopher Beck five years ago that he would be in love with a martian, and he had laughed right in the psychic’s face so hard and said that he already was in love with someone not a martian. Someone had told Mark Watney five years ago that he would be in love with Christoper Beck, and he told the psychic to piss off and stop spreading lies, before thinking “I already am”.

However, Mark Watney was the sole martian in existence (despite conspiracy theorists constantly spreading stories about NASA’s cover up of extraterritial life) and Chris Beck was the target of his affection. The days on the red planet that wasn’t spent fighting for survival and (while) listening to bad disco music were spent mourning things Mark had never had. The glory of an astronaut, a condo in Paris and Chris Beck. Instead, he got the shit of his crewmates, a desolate planet and a very slim chance of survival. During the weeks Mark lost all hope, he didn’t even see a chance.

So imagine his surprise when the Rich Purnell maneuver actually works. Sure, it was his best, and only, shot at life on Earth, but he didn’t actually think it would work. He just wanted to see space at least one more time, before he died. After his survival, however, he wasn't about to tell anyone about his suicidal thoughts. He survived, and wasn’t that the important part. He didn’t die. And he had got to see Beck each and every day ever since. As the doctor on board, Christopher Beck saw Mark Watney every day for check-ups and evaluations. Mark wasn’t complaining, but it certainly made it harder to hide his quite obvious crush on the younger man. And if Mark Watney, famous astronaut and renowned martian, jacked off in the shower while thinking of Christopher Beck’s perfectly long fingers wrapped around his cock, well, as long as no one knows.

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“Hey Doc, haven’t gotten enough of me yet?” Mark’s voice carries through the makeshift med bay (It’s Chris’s room) before he sits down on Beck’s bed.

“How could I ever get enough of that pretty face?” is Chris’s retort, and he regrets the answer before he even says it, but Mark is speechless and at least that’s something.

There’s a few moments of silence while Chris draws blood into small vials and probes and pokes almost everywhere on Mark’s skin, except the one place where Mark wants to be touched. After the check up, Mark lingers in Chris room, as per usual after these appointments, and he starts working on his botany assignments. He might have been the best botanist on Mars, but Earth still required paperwork.

They fall into a calming silence, with Mark spread out on Chris bed analyzing results and going over the notes the rest of the crew took during the time when Mark was on his vacation while Chris was at his desk, preparing for the EVA the next mission day. Of course Bossy Beck has to ruin it in the worst way possible.

“How do you ask someone out?” no matter how much Mark has prepared for this exact moment, his heart still stops for half a second when those words come from Beck’s lips.

“Johanssen finally noticing you back? I’m happy for you dude. Sad how I had to almost die for it to happen, but really, I’m glad for you.” the words pain Mark

“What?, No, Mark…” Chris starts, but he doesn’t get any further.

“Here’s how you do it: Get her somewhere in private, don’t want the Commander to see this, and just ask her already.” because there was no way in hell, or Mars, that Mark would be able to watch this happen, when he came twice to the imagined sound of Chris’s moan before he walked into this room.

“Mark, listen to me…” Chris begins again, but no, Mark is not having any of this right now, today, ever

“Yeah, yeah, I know me being left on Mars had nothing to do with this, now go get the girl.” he starts gathering his things in a hurry, and then he’s out of there faster than a bullet.

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Mark doesn’t cry. Maybe it’s because he cried every other day during his last year on Mars, maybe it’s because he knew this was coming someday, or maybe it’s because he likes Beth too damn much that he can’t hate her but he doesn’t cry. He doesn’t even shed a single tear, all he does is let the water pour over him as his muscles relax and images of Beth and Chris cloud his vision. He stays there long after the water’s gone cold (because this spaceship doesn’t have unlimited heating, fuck you NASA) and misses dinner completely. When he gets out, half the crew is already asleep and Mark is so grateful, because it allows him to enter the airlock and just scream.

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The crew doesn’t ask him why he accessed Airlock 2 at 0107 last night during breakfast, and for that Mark is thankful. Soon, he will be able to leave all of this behind him, and who will blame him. To the public, his crew left him for dead on a deadly planet, sue him for holding a grudge. He doesn’t, of course, but the public don’t need to know that. He could run away, let Beth and Chris be happy, and allow himself to stop living this fantasy, that someday Chris will look at him like Mark’s the sun. The same way Mark has watched him for five years.

It takes weeks for Mark to get out of the downward spiral he’s been on, and it’s all thanks to Vogel.

“In Germany, we have this saying: Anfangen ist leicht, Beharren eine Kunst. I’m not going to tell you what it means, you’ll learn that yourself, but you need to stop this. NASA keeps asking us what’s wrong with you, and Beck is having troubles figuring out what’s wrong himself. As the resident doctor, he’s supposed to be able to answer this, and he’s beating himself up over it. Will you at least talk to him, let him know what’s on your mind?” Vogel is trying to help, and with all Mark has to offer, he gives Vogel a smile and tells him he will. Wouldn’t want NASA to worry.

Mark allows himself five minutes to mourn his crush on the good doctor before entering the med bay to speak with him. He tries to shove all his dreams out of his head, to delete them from his memory, but he can’t. He can’t erase the fact that he’s in love with someone as straight as an arrow. At least now, he wouldn’t have to wonder.

When he walks into Beck’s room, Johanssen is lounging on his bed, reading some book about astrophysics with earphones plugged in (Mark sincerely doubted she noticed him walking in) while Beck was at his desk, analyzing something as per usual. The whole scene is so familiar, Mark’s heart aches, but he swallows the screams about to erupt from his throat and sits down on one of the cold metal chairs.

“Mark…” Beck begins, but Mark is not here for small talk.

“Look, I know I’ve gotten everybody worried and riled up, and I apologize. NASA must be on all of your asses, and Vogel asked me to clear everything up, so that’s why I’m here. The reason for me being out of sorts lately, it’s just, I lost someone I loved recently, and I just need some time to think.” Beck’s face changes, suddenly, but Mark can’t pinpoint why so he decides to let it go. “I’m keeping up with my duties, and we’ll be back on Earth soon anyway, It’ll be easier by then. I promise I will get better, pinky swear” he adds a smile, and before he can do anything stupid, like start crying, he turns to Johanssen and makes gestures to get her to notice him. Mark figures he should start being social again, if he wants Beck to believe him.

“Hey nerd, remember that time on Sol 4 when Commander Lewis told us we were acting like children for competing all the time? Last one to the kitchen is a rotten egg!” Mark yells the last part, and Johanssen stumbles out of the bed, earphones tangling themselves into everything near her, before Mark can hear a “are you kidding me, you cheater!”, behind him, but he’s already out of the door by then.

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Things get easier after that, and Mark is even able to look at Beck now without feeling deprived of something. A part of him is even happy he and Johanssen is getting it on, because that means Mark is free to watch Beck’s glorious ass as much as he wants without having to worry about being caught, because now he can always say “Just wanted to know what Johanssen was getting” and no one would ever assume he wasn’t joking.

It still hurts though, during dinner time approximately 200 mission days from entering Earth’s orbit, when Beck goes up to Beth (who just happened to sit next to Mark Watney himself) and asks her if they could talk a bit. He should feel honored, knowing Beck is actually following his advice, but instead he turns to Martinez and asks about the kid back home, who has a birthday coming up. He pretends he doesn’t see Beck and Johanssen leave the kitchen area.

Other than that, however, life is pretty easy for Mark Watney. He still wakes up with hard ons every once in awhile after having wet dreams about Christopher Beck sucking his cock, but he figures that’s justified since there has to be thousands of teenagers on Earth doing the same thing. As long as he doesn’t do anything about it, it’s not a problem. Chris gets to be with Johanssen, and Mark gets to come every few days thanks to Beck, made up or not. The whole thing blows, but he’s not about to tell Chris that.

Chapter Text

“Martinez, pass me the salt, would you?” it’s bad enough that that he still need to eat potatoes once in awhile because of it’s high percentage of carbs and starch, he’s not missing an opportunity to diminish the taste.

“But baby, I thought I was enough spice in your life” Martinez replies with a pout.

“You’re my sugar, sweetheart”

“If I didn’t know you guys were joking, I would throw you out of the airlock. Not because you would be dating, but because you sicken me” Commander Lewis don’t screw around.

“C’mon Boss, you know you ship us.”

“That’s besides the point”

“I really need to start preparing for the Panel EVA tomorrow, Beth, do you wanna give me a hand?” Chris hurries out of the room with Beth in tow, and Mark tries not to think about the amount of sex they’re about to have while ‘preparing’.

“I guess that leaves me with taking care of the data dump today, I was about to head up to the rec room anyway. Anyone wanna keep me company?” Vogel stands up to dispose of his mashed potatoes (although calling it that is a shame to all potatoes, even the homegrown ones on Mars) before starting to make two cups of coffee.

“If one of those cups are for me, I’m sold. NASA always have questions for me anyway, might as well answer them right away, before Annie loses her shit. Count me in.” Mark says, before taking the long way to the rec room (he can hear screaming from Beck’s bunk, and if that’s sex noises, he would rather be sent back to Mars than hear Beck have sex)

When Mark arrives, Vogel is already there, watching the screen intently, trying to separate private emails from official ones. He couldn’t have been there for more than ten minutes, but his cup is already empty and his eyes tired. NASA sure could be tiring sometimes.

“Got anything for me there, buddy?” Mark asks while taking a sip from his own cup. Damn, he had missed good coffee.

“As I always do. Two e-mails, another one from the President and one from someone called Mindy Park. You’ve also got a video message from a Hannah Watney, do you have a wife we don’t know about?” Vogel joked before continuing. “Oh, and then we all got a status update from NASA. Oh, and you received some questions too. Apparently, NASA wants to prepare you for the oncoming shitstorm about to hit us when we land.” Vogel’s voice is tired, so Mark makes the conscious decision not to joke about how he’s had his fair share of shit and storms back on the red planet. It was a great joke, though.

“Yeah, I married on my last day on Earth, just in case I would be left on Mars. You know how it is, couldn’t be a bachelor when we returned”. He couldn’t very well tell them he had a sister now, could he? She would get so harassed back on Earth if he let that slip. “ And I’m not looking forward to NASA’s questions. Could you blow it up on the other screen? I’d like to go through it as soon as possible.” Mark’s actually itching to hear from his sister, even if their relationship hasn’t always been the best.

“Sure thing, it’s up” is Vogel’s answer.

Mark calls out a thank you before sitting down in front of the other screen, sorting through his e- mails first. The President sends his condolences, as per usual, and tells him that he will receive a medal the second he’s back on solid ground. Mark rather he not, but who the hell argues with the President of the United States? Mindy Park, the woman who apparently discovered he was still alive on Mars, wanted to apologize for not examining the ARES 3 site earlier, which Mark thought was ridiculous since she couldn’t examine it any earlier (Because NASA are shitheads sometimes). He typed a reply back where he explained this, and told her he looked forward to meeting her when he got back.

He started shifting through the questions NASA sent him before watching the video, and it contained questions like “Who did you miss the most when you were stranded on Mars?” and “Would you ever consider going back?”. He decided to answer some of them, but some were still too difficult to think about.

His sister cried for fifteen minutes straight before she even got a word out. Those words were “I’m so sorry Mark” before she cried for another five minutes. Mark was grateful for the earplugs NASA had provided, because he did not want Vogel seeing this and thinking he had a six years younger wife. Imagine the jokes Martinez would crack. Imagine the blame Lewis would put on herself if she thought she had left a brother behind on Mars. This is why he kept Hannah a secret from the crew. Since she studied abroad and had a different surname, it hadn’t really been a difficult task. He was not surprised she had changed it after his assumed demise. He’d been begging her to do it for years, wanting to feel that bond siblings share, but she had insisted she wanted to build her own name, not being known as being the sister of an astronaut.

Either she had shamelessly wanted the attention Mark’s death had brought on, or she had wanted to feel that bond too, finally. Mark guessed it was the latter.

It wasn’t that Mark was ashamed of Hannah, he loved her to the end of the solar system. Growing up, she had been the reason he worked two part- time jobs. He spoiled her rotten, and Mark was the reason she could even study in Europe in the first place. However, when their father had fallen ill with tuberculosis right before she was set to leave, they had a big falling out and haven’t spoken since. It was immature, Mark had had a lot of time to reflect about these things, and the first thing he was planning on doing when he got back home was apologize. It seems, however, that Hannah had beaten him to it.

“I miss you, I love you, Oh god I’m so sorry. Mark please forgive me” was all her message contained, over and over, until she made her pathetic attempt at a joke. “At least you must’ve gotten the hot doctor now that you’re the most famous astronaut that ever lived” she said with a smile and laughed. “Bossy Beck must’ve been on his knees when you got back on board.”

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Of course she knew. Of course. Mark didn’t know how, or how long, but of course she knew. Hannah was the only one who even knew he was gay, and the clever girl must’ve figured it out somehow. She knew him too well not to. He was suddenly incredibly thankful for the fact that NASA didn’t preview the videos sent by relatives, out of respect for the astronaut’s privacy (and if someone from NASA ever viewed this as personnel, it would have to been released within 24 hours to the media). Otherwise, this would have Annie Montrose in a media disaster.

His own video that he sent back contained roughly the same phrases, with an added “I have a German beside me so I can’t answer all of your questions.” thrown in there somewhere. He also cried, but there’s no need for everyone to know that.

Chapter Text

Do you ever have one of those days where everything you do goes horribly wrong and you feel like laying down on the floor and surrendering? That was Christopher Beck when he couldn’t get back in the airlock.

It’s not like they hadn’t known this was a possibility. The Hermes wasn’t equipped for over 900 consecutive days in space, It usually got back after a year and NASA sent technicians and engineers upp there to do a full maintenance check. Given the fact that the ARES 3 crew’s engineer was suffering from PTSD (Beck didn’t care how he behaved during the days, he had woken up several times to Mark Watney’s screams, and if that had torn him apart, well, no one needs to know), the job had been a bit delayed.

And now Christopher Beck was lost in space.

Okay, he was being melodramatic. He wasn’t lost, per se, he actually currently touched the ship, but the airlock wouldn’t open for him. To put it entirely unscientific, the door was jammed. Now, Christopher Beck was not one to panic, and he wasn’t about to start now. He had to think.

The door wouldn’t open for him from the outside, and he suspected it couldn’t open from the inside either, if the big red flashing signs that read “SYSTEM FAILURE” was anything to go by. He couldn’t reach the crew because his comms had blown at the same time as the airlock. He had about an hour worth of oxygen left in his tank, before he’d have to start increase the percentage of hydrogen in the solution. On the bright side, the crew must’ve known something was wrong, since they had been speaking when the comms blew. On the down side (again), he had no way of knowing what their plan was, and he couldn’t help them with his thoughts on it.

He’d have to put his faith in his crew’s hands, but really, when had he stopped?

Chapter Text

He’ll save you the dramatic rescue and the heroic measures Martinez went through to get him back on the ship, or well, most of them, but he will tell you this: It was equally awesome as it was horrific.

After the “NASA-Beck-is-lost-in-space” transmission that had to be made (Beck can figure how horrible that had been), the crew had been given specific details about a lot of things. They had to deprogram and reprogram the airlocks main code (Thank you Johanssen), they had to decrease the speed the Hermes were going at in case something happened that would leave Beck stranded, but with the airlocks code rearranged, only the pilot could access it to force it to unlock (Thank you Martinez). A simple technical reassessment and a perfectly executed System Override brought his comms back (Thanks, Commander). Also, for some irrevocably stupid reason, they had to keep Mark in the dark about this. (Fuck you, NASA).

When he was safe aboard the Hermes again, he could understand why. Mark had somehow managed to sleep past the whole thing, and by waking him up, he could suffer panic attacks and the likes, since they wouldn’t be back on Earth for some months and Beck was the only one who could help him until they returned, but when he had been stuck in a space suit with no way of knowing if he’d ever see the botanist again, he lost it.

He had tried to, really, but he couldn’t risk dying without telling anybody. So about two hours of being stuck in a space (Vogel had found a way to stretch his oxygen supply by blending it out the high level oxygen with hydrogen, making his oxygen supply last for four more hours. ) Beck blames the higher levels of hydrogen for the confession he made in his delirious stupor.

A confession that went something like: How the fuck can NASA not tell Watney about this situation. If I die, I damn well want Mark to know hope hopelessly, stupidly, shamelessly in love with him I am.

You can imagine the chaos that ensued.

It didn’t help that Annie Montrose and the whole of SatCon heard that conversation five minutes later, when the transmission reached Earth.

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Life wasn’t especially easy after this particular event. Beck received several messages from Annie Montrose (which made Beck think of the howlers from Harry Potter, seriously) and a few from Vincent Kapoor, telling him that everyone was under strict order not to let Mark Watney know about Beck’s confession, and to try not to beat himself up over this too much.

Commander Lewis pulled him aside a few days after the incident to tell him that nothing was allowed to leak during their stay at the Hermes. They could get up to any business they wanted when they finally got their heads out of their asses, but the press could not get any confirmation. Of course they could guess, since the confession had spread like wildfire across their home globe, but without confirmation, nothing could be, well, confirmed. She ended her lesson to tell Beck that she was proud of him, and that she hoped they maintained contact when they got back home. Beck ended their conversation with a “Commander, everyone on this ship is a best friend to me, you’re going to have to stick out to with me a lot longer than the 197 days we have left on this ship.”

Needless to say, that was the first time Beck ever had seen Melissa shed a tear, and he supposed it was something as simple as knowing that she wasn’t blamed by someone for leaving Mark behind (Chris knew that had been bugging her since that dreaded day they received that video message from Mitch Henderson) by the person who just openly admitted to loving him. At least that’s what he told himself

Nobody told Mark, however, about Chris declaration or the whole embarrassing ordeal. Chris had barely remembered it, and he wished he didn’t. The bits and pieces he can remember are humiliating enough. And honestly, someone telling Mark would be the worst thing possible. Chris remembers the day Mark walked into his room and told him he had lost someone he loved recently, and since Chris talks to Mark’s parents regularly, none of them had died, and his sister was safely in her condo in Bryssel where she had studied for years.

The topic of Mark’s sister was a funny one. Back in the days when everyone thought Mark Watney had died on Sol 6 from exposure, someone named Hannah Williams had sent him a video message. NASA had flagged it as someone a bit fanatical (as they had managed to hack themselves into the NASA database to even deliver the message), but Beck had decided to open it. Best decision he’s ever made, to be honest. When he confided in Johanssen six months after the first video, he wasn’t surprised when Johanssen wanted to send her own videos to this Hannah who had managed to hack herself into the database.

To say he was shocked to find out Mark had a sister was an understatement, but the worst part was that he had opened the video in the first place. If he hadn’t been in love with Mark Watney already, he would've fallen in love during the short twelve minutes the video lasted. It was clear that the woman had cried, but when she talked about the summers she and Mark had spent swimming in the local lake and the winters spent by a fire with hot chocolate, her entire face lit up like a christmas tree. The time she punched a girl in the face for forcing herself on Mark in a club one night, the time Mark had punched a girl for bullying his sister due to her pale complexion. The storied blurred together in the end, just as Beck’s vision after the video was over.

They continued to chat after that, the messages spanning over a time of two years, and Hannah became his rock just as he became hers. They talked about her studies, her dreams and the brother she never got to say goodbye to, and when it turned out Mark Watney was still fucking alive, Beck cried on camera for half an hour before choking out an “I fucking love him, Hannah, you don’t understand.” Turns out she did, since she had, in fact, loved him for years.

So now Chris Beck has made two horrifyingly humiliating confessions about his love Mark Watney, and Mark Watney has never been around to hear any of them.

So that begs the question, doesn’t it? Who did Mark Watney lose that he loved so much?

Chapter Text

That stupid idiot. He gets himself stuck in space for three hours after an EVA gone wrong and they didn’t even wake him up. Mark had to find out for himself god damn it, by waking up to Vogel shaking him awake after the whole thing was over. “You missed a hell of a lot, Watney. Get your ass down to the küche and grab some food before we tell you what went on while you were out.”

The whole thing had seemed so abstract at first, it wasn’t until he could see how tired Beck was that night that everything came crashing down on him.

He had almost lost Beck for the second time in his life.

He had escaped the room as fast as he came to this realization. His plants had needed him, after all, and he had started his Arabidopsis thaliana, or white flower, on a new nutrient that might have some side effects, so he really should attend to her. That’s what he says, anyway.

His busy tending to his mandrakes when Beck interrupts the very intellegent conversation Mark is having with his youngest mandrake (they were talking about the birds and the bees, for your information).

“Mark, we need to talk”

No we really don’t need to do that. Mark thinks, but he doesn’t say it out loud.

“I’m sorry the crew didn’t tell you about, well, me, but they were under strict orders from NASA and SatCon not to wake you. They would if they could, Mark, you know this.” Chris voice is tired, but he soldiers on. “You don’t need to be afraid, it was my last EVA anyway, Commander Lewis will handle the next ones from now on.” Mark suddenly realises Beck thinks he’s afraid he, Mark Watney, botanist, is going to have to do an EVA.

Mark angles his face away from Beck when he can feel tears start to well up in his eyes, and his hands move on their own accord, adding a nutrient to his oldest mandrake and watering his Scofeldia Corealis to keep himself from replying.

“Look, I get it. You’re mad at me for putting us in danger, but the least you could do is look at me. I’m sorry, I don’t know what you want from me. Please don’t hate me Mark, I couldn’t bear it.” and who is he to say this to Mark when he’s so broken.

Mark finally pulls himself together, wiping away the tears that’s threatening to spill over the already wet soil beneath him, before turning to Chris and opening his mouth.

“You don’t get it, do you? It’s not the fact that you didn’t tell me what happened, it’s the fact that you were even in danger in the first place. If it weren’t for me, you would be back home on Earth right now, free to be with the one you like (or maybe even love, Mark thinks, but it pains him too much to say it.), but instead you almost died up here because the Hermes wasn’t made for these kinds of travels, because you had to extend the whole journey because I was dumb enough to get left behind on Mars. If I had died, you would’ve only lost a botanist. If you die, the crew loses a vital part of its constellation (space puns are amazing, Mark thinks). Who’s more valuable, Beck?” Mark finishes his rant with a sigh before turning around again and continuing his work with the mandrakes.
He doesn’t get very far before Beck’s hands is on his chin and forcing Mark to look at him.

“Is that what you think you are to us? A simple botanist?” Chris whole heart hurts and he can barely keep his breath even, but he forces himself to keep his voice steady and face firm when he speaks his next sentence. “We committed mutiny to get to you Mark. and not because we needed a botanist on board. We went back for you because we care about you, every single one of us. The vote was unanimous. I, as well as the rest of the crew, went back knowing the risks, but nothing was more important to us than you. We knew there was no guarantee that all of us would make it back, even if we did save you, and we took the chance. Because we (I, I, I Chris wants to scream, but he refrains himself.) love you Mark. So much. Do you think you will ever be able to understand that?”

Mark doesn’t answer, all he does is stare into Beck’s eyes, searching for something he can’t explain. They stand like that for what feels like forever, with Beck’s palms on his cheeks and Mark’s eyes deep into his. For a while, the whole universe disappears and Mark imagines them standing in a kitchen, their kitchen, with Beck making pancakes and Hannah sitting on a bar stool, indulging them. Mark sees everything he’s ever wanted for the last five years in the deep pools of Chris’s blue eyes, before tearing his eyes away and walking away from Chris and back to his bunk.

Chapter Text

He shows up for dinner today, and while the food is so much better than vicodin- potatoes, the memories of earlier in the botany lab makes him feel nauseous. Throughout dinner, Mark tried not to look at Beck or Johanssen, sitting at a table across the room, looking worried. They glance over at Watney multiple times, but he pretends not to notice.

The day turns into night, although you barely notice the difference in space, and Mark Watney is kept awake by the sounds of the stars, burning in the sky for years and years. He can’t fall asleep, hasn’t been able to since he had that conversation with Beck months ago, without the images of Mars plaguing him and forcing him to stay awake most nights.

He’s been keeping this up for months, ever since he got back on the Hermes, and the only times he ever gets any sleep is when he manages to smuggle the sleep medication from Chris room to his own during their spare time. Those nights are few, however, and most nights Mark has to stay awake to keep his mind from conjuring up images too horrifying to describe.

“Hermes to Mark, how are you doing there buddy?” it’s Martinez who speaks to him, slowly but loudly, and everyone in the dining room turns to him, eyes questioning. He’s not sure what does it, what makes his cells burn and his heart pump his blood faster than ever, but something within him shifts, like someone just turned on the light for the first time in his life, and Mark has never felt such anger. Later, when he apologizes to the crew he will chalk it up to sleep deprivation and PTSD, probably, but right in the moment, all he can feel this feeling of something screaming,

Mark snaps.

“For once in my life, I would like you to stop butting into my business. Could you just leave me the hell alone?”

“Mark…” someone begins, but he doesn’t let them finish.

“I need you to understand that I’m not okay here. Why can’t you understand that? I’m not the same Mark who went to space with you, who cracked jokes constantly and could go a normal day without having a panic attack. I’m sorry for that, but Mars changed me for the worse, and sometimes…” Mark trails off. No one says anything. Lewis is sharing a look with Johanssen, something Mark can’t decipher, but it doesn’t matter

“Sometimes, I wish you would’ve just left me on Mars!” He croaks out, before retreating back to his bunk. He doesn’t notice Beck following him when he leaves, nor does he notice Vogel’s eyes tearing up behind him.

Chapter Text

NASA never thought they would leave someone alive behind on Mars in the first place, so it was never necessary to have a psychologist on board, but since the ARES- debacle of 2036, Christopher Beck had been the resident therapist on the ship. His studies in biology and technology hadn’t prepared him at all for this situation, but his experiences helping his best friend through depression and suicidal thoughts had given him some ground to stand on. Therefore, it was only logical that Commander Lewis would order him to go talk to Mark after his outburst during dinner earlier.

However, that was not the reason he went after Mark after dinner, having been discreetly restrained by Johanssen earlier when he had wanted nothing else but to run after Mark the moment he left the room.

He found the botanist and engineer in his bunk, wrapped tightly in his duvets with his eyes closed, chest heaving. Chris stayed in his position, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, for a good fifteen minutes so to not wake the astronaut before he moved to Mark’s desk when his legs got tired of standing.

One thing could be said for Mark’s desk, and that was that it was messy. As hell.

The papers taking up all the space on his bench were mostly the ones of a botanist, but every once in awhile, something peaked his interest. He tried not to look any further, but the pictures lying about the desk are distracting, and after half an hour of focusing on Mark’s breath instead of the photos, Chris loses the battle.

The first thing he sees are boxes of temazepam, one of NASA’s favourite medicine, littering his desk, with many tablets missing. Chris wants to be mad at Mark for not telling him about his sleeping problems, but then he would have to lie and say he hadn’t already noticed Mark slipping them out of his cabinet.

It the pictures depicting the crew on their way to Mars that really hits him, though. Martinez and Watney, armwrestling (Mark was totally losing, but he would never admit that). He saw photographs of Commander Lewis and Johanssen, locked in deep conversation, and he even had pictures of Vogel, taken at the precise moment he found out his youngest daughter had won the science fair in Berlin. Beck supposed it made sense, Watney was the media relations guy of the crew after all. Beck also tried not to think of the fact that there were no pictures of him in the bunch.

Most of the pictures were worn, like they had been picked up a lot during their existence, and the polaroid camera wasn’t far away. Without thinking, he picked up the camera and took a photo of the sleeping figure before him, stuffing the picture in his back pocket as fast as he could.

The flash of the camera seemed to affect Mark, however, and soon he began tossing and turning, whining in his sleep. Beck had seen this happen enough times to know a panic attack was on the verge of occurring.

Beck may have overstepped every line he’d ever drawn when it came to Mark Watney, when he climbed into bed with him to try to calm him down. In the beginning, Mark stilled his movements, leaning into Chris’s side and falling back into easy slumber. Chris presence seemed to calm him, but Beck tried not to read too much into it. And he failed.

About five minutes later, Mark started to trash around on the bed, hitting Chris a few times while silent screams left Mark’s lips. His forehead was wrinkled up and his jaw tense, and Beck feared what he dreamt of. Mark’s shoulders were tense and his nose was turned upward in disgust, and this was not the moment for Chris to find that adorable, but he did.

Mark continued to thrash against Chris’s stronghold while Beck whispered soothing words into his ears, but it didn’t seem to be enough. Mark continued to struggle against Beck for minutes that seemed endless to Chris, and his incapability to do anything was what plagued him the most. He tried every thing in the textbook until he was on the verge of giving up. He tried soothing words, he brushed through Mark’s hair, he even tried holding him flush against his own body, but nothing seemed to stop Mark from having his nightmares.

It worried Beck, seeing Mark this way. He would have to talk to Hannah about this later, ask her for her advice, but nothing in the word had prepared him for this task: To take care of a man he loved who’d been stuck alone on an entire planet for two and a half years. A man who, thanks to the temazepam he had drugged himself with, would be impossible to wake up for the upcoming hours.

The man who Christopher Beck wanted nothing more than help.

And what he did in his efforts to do just that, no matter how stupid and horrible, might have been the best thing Beck had ever done, as well as the worst thing Beck had ever done.

He decided to kiss Mark Watney square on the mouth, and by some miracle,

Mark

actually

stopped

moving.

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The kiss lasted long enough for Chris Beck to ponder his own existence as soon as Mark Watney kissed him back. However, Chris had to fight the urge not to deepen the kiss as he realised that he was, in fact, kissing Mark Watney without his consent.

He recoiled as fast as he had kissed him and retreated back to the desk, horrified. Mark tossed and turned for a few seconds before calming down noticeably and going back to sleep, leaving Chris with his demons.

Chapter Text

If someone could tell Mark Watney what was going on, he would very well appreciate it. Beck had ignored him for weeks, and the crew was down to the “only 150 days left on the Hermes” mark. Usually this would be a cause for celebration, but the recent development (Chris ignoring Mark) had caused a problem with the event (Mark had completely forgotten it).

It wasn’t that Mark was dependent of Chris’s attention, the engineer had, thank you very much, been the only man on an entire planet for nearly 600 sols and gotten away with only a few scrapes and bruises without Chris anywhere near him. Of course, Chris would argue that multiple broken ribs and trauma to last him his entire life was a bit more than a few scrapes and bruises, but like a wise man once said: tomayto, tomahto. Besides, what the good doctor said was irrelevant, because Mark Watney could still jerk himself off every week without any problem.

In fact, In Mark’s dreams and visions, Chris Beck did not ignore him in the slightest. In Mark’s dreams, Chris went down on him, sucking along his dick before taking all of him in, making the stars explode before Mark’s eyes. In Mark’s dreams, Chris was kissing him with as much passion and fever that Mark kissed him with, with the same sense of desperation to it. In his dreams, Mark is able to see, to touch, all of Chris without any hesitation. Mark is able to put his hands around the very base of Chris, to feel Chris shudder as he comes around Mark’s hands, his mouth, and hear the moans erupting from his swollen lips.

In his dreams, Mark is able to live the life he’s wanted for multiple years. In his dreams, Mark is Christopher Beck’s boyfriend.

Needless to say, it bugged Mark that Chris barely even looked his way nowadays. He had asked the crew if the doctor had an important assignment from NASA or if he just ignored everybody these days, but all he had gotten as replies were pitiful looks and excuses for the good doctor. This had to mean that Mark was in the dark about something, and he was adamant to find out what.

He doesn't though, not for two months at least. Mark continues to be ignored by Chris as much as can be managed when you live on a ship in space. They still eat together, but Chris tends to wait until Mark is seated until choosing the seat furthest away from Mark as possible. The whole ordeal is getting ridiculous, so ridiculous that Mark finally talks to Hannah about it.

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“Hannah, I need your help.” His opening line could've been nicer, Mark admits, but in his defence, he’s getting desperate here.

“Oh sweet brother, the apple of my eye, the martian to my earthling, the core to my being, how may I be of service to you, my liege?” is Hannah’s response.

“ You’re overdoing it Hannah, but I love you all the same, and I get the hint, how’s Earth?”

“Earth is fine, I just got home to Chicago, mom and dad wants me to say hi. They miss you, as usual, and they want me to tell you that there’s a pecan pie waiting for you at home when you get back. Kenny misses you too, he hasn't said anything but that might be because of the fact that he’s a dog, you know. Am I missing anything? No, I think I’m finished, now, how can I be of service?”

“First of all, tell mom and dad that I love them back, but I suppose I’ll talk to them before you do, since we have a scheduled video call tomorrow, and you don’t seem to be home, judging by your background.” It did seem familiar though, but since Mark couldn’t put his finger on it he decided to let it go. “Give Kenny a big sloppy kiss and some treats from me too. I wish I could be in Chicago with you, we could catch a game. Are the Chicago Bulls any good this year?” Basketball is probably the only sport Mark is interested in, and it might be because of the fact that it has tall guys and naked arms.

“You know I’m no good when it comes to sports, Mark! Besides, I’ve lived in Brussels for the last years, the only sport that's spoken about in Europe is soccer and the winter sports, basketball is pretty nonexistent. I know nothing of the Chicago Bulls!” She’s faking an exasperated voice, but her smile is kind of ruining her acting.

“Eh, it was worth a shot. And before I lose myself into our conversation, I need to ask you something. It’s about Chris.” Mark says, and he can practically see the smile slip of her face when she hears how desperate he sounds.

“I don’t see how much I can help in that department, since I’m not up in space with the two of you, but shoot. What do you have”? She seems hesitant, but Mark can’t figure out why so he let’s it go, for now.

“ It’s Chris, he’s been ignoring me for months, and I. Don’t. Know. Why. The whole thing, it’s driving me insane Hannah, it’s crazy. He doesn’t speak to me, he doesn’t laugh at my jokes. Vogel and Martinez try their best to distract me, but it doesn’t work. I don’t understand what I did! He doesn’t even look at me. The crew keeps telling me that he’s distracted, apparently he’s talking to someone back home a lot about what’s bothering him so much, and it scares me because what if it’s me? What if he’s finally noticed that I love him so much and he’s disgusted. Maybe he even sees me as some kind of freak, after being stuck on Mars for so long. Maybe he hates me- it’s the unknowing that kills me inside. I don’t know what to do Hannah.” During his rant, Hannah twitches and turns multiple times, and Mark is getting worried.

“ Oh, okay, well, uhm, this person that he’s allegedly talking to, do you know who it is? Maybe it’s his, I don’t know, sister?”

“Beck doesn’t have a sister.”

“Neither do you if you ask the world”

“Touché”

“Anyway,” Hannah continues, “ Maybe you’re reading too much into things. I’m sure you guys are just both being idiots...”

“Hey!”

“... and are suffering from miscommunication. Have you tried talking to him?

“Of course I’ve tried! Every time I’ve entered his room, he’s asked me if I needed a check-up. If I tell him no, he’ll ask me to leave. If I tell him yes, he’ll look me over, which has been a blessing in disguise Hannah, I’m telling you, because he actually touches me, but as soon as he’s done, he’ll give me my prescriptions and ask me to leave him to look over some files. It’s like an endless cycle, I don’t even think he’s paying enough attention to notice it. I don’t even know what I did wrong, for heaven's sake! It’s like he saw that one dream or something!” He has to lower his voice towards the end of his rant since NASA didn’t bother to soundproof these walls.

Suddenly, something in Hannah changes. She sits more upright now, her hair pulled back behind her shoulder, something she only does when she’s focused. She looks upon him, as if he’s transparent, and opens her mouth to speak.

“Which dream?” Mark can almost hear the exclamation mark at the end of that sentence.

“Haven’t I told you? A while back, I had a dream that was a bit off. Nothing to weird, me and Chris were kissing but suddenly I felt so awake, I could practically feel Chris against me, and I still don’t understand how that was possible, but all in all, it was nothing over the top. It ended abruptly, which when I think about it was quite unusual, but all my dreams usually changes quite fast. I guess it’s shame, or something. Why?” If he’s being honest, Mark’s getting worried.

“Oh no, brother, it’s nothing, just curious,” she doesn’t look “just curious”, however. “Look, I love you, but I need to go, class starts in fifteen and I have an unfinished essay on the theoretical problems with solar- powered vehicles and how to solve them that’s due today, so I need to head out. Not all of us are renowned astronauts, you know.” Mark knows she’s just adding the humour to mask her blatant lie, but Mark can play his part of his facade too, now that he knows why it exists. Now that he’s figured out what was so familiar about Hannahs’ background.

Because Hannah is not in Brussels, because according to Mark’s calculations, she’s on spring break, and apparently Hannah choose to spend it in Christopher Beck’s apartment.

Chapter Text

She hated lying to her brother. She always felt rotten afterwards, but deep down she knew it had been worth it.

Mark had remembered the incident. The one Chris hated himself for, felt disgusting about. And Mark thought it was a dream.

She couldn’t wait to tell Chris about this.

Maybe that was bad of her, betraying Mark’s trust like that, but she convinced herself it was for the greater good. Besides, thousands of teenagers would love her if they knew what she was doing.

She had spent months listening to Chris whine and complain about how poorly he had handled the situation. How he took advantage of Mark when he was so clearly traumatized. The amount of times she had wanted to tell him what she knew, that Mark had been in love with him since that day just before the launch date, where the reporters from various newspapers had been on Mark about being last on the priority list, and Chris had risen up like a knight in shining armour, as Mark had put it, and told them that yeah, sure, botany wasn’t very high on the list compared to the other options, but he sure as hell wasn’t going into the vast universe without an engineer by his side.

When Mark had recited the event during one of their earliest video calls, his mouth had grown into a smile, and to play it off, he had told Hannah a joke about Martinez and a horse, or something (Hannah hadn’t really payed a lot of attention to her brother at that precise moment, her brain already trying to conceive some sort of plan), and changed the topic.

And to be completely fair, this was getting ridiculous. How none of the two boys had picked up on the others’ affection yet, Hannah would never know. For the past seven months, she had been listening to both of the boys drone on and on about how they were wrong for the other person, how they weren’t deserving of the other, and quite frankly, Hannah had had enough.

So about five weeks before she was set for a nice spring break at the spa with her closest friends from school, she booked her flight to Houston, Texas for spring break instead and endured a two hour long scolding from Agnes, Tea and Nicole, but all in all, they couldn’t really argue with her when she said it concerned her brother. Mark Watney wasn’t just famous in America anymore, the whole world knew his name.

She had to give Johanssen some credit though, even though the two of them had never held a conversation. Because of that specific astronaut, Hannah’s plan was going to go quite smoothly. And yes, perhaps she was jinxing it, but she had always believed that things such as misfortune and jinxes were created by people who couldn’t blame their faults and mistakes on themselves. Her plan wasn’t that hard, really, it just took a bit of manipulation.

Ask Chris about the crew (Use “Mark doesn’t tell me anything, pleaaaase Chris” if necessary)
Get on the subject of Johanssen’s computer skills

This part of her plan was crucial if she didn’t want to spend thousands of dollars on buying extravagant computers and servers. She would if she could, but she was a struggling university student, after all. Thanks to Johanssen, Chris had a whole set if them, just collecting dust in his apartment. You see, Chris and Beth had lived together in the later states of their training due to Beth’s home being in New York City, very far from their training site. This had led Beth and Chris to bunk up together (which really wasn’t a smart move Chris, come on. Don’t share an apartment with the woman everyone thinks you have a relationship with if you want to diminish those rumours.).

This, however, was very useful to Hannah, who, through immense hacking of the NASA records and a bit of stalking one of the executives from one of their contractors, had figured out that this resulted in all equipment provided for Beth Johanssen, Astronaut in training and future member of the ARES III crew, was sitting in Chris’s apartment, just waiting to be started. This led her to her third part of the plan

3. Get Chris’s permission to use his apartment during spring break.

Hannah knew getting into Chris apartment and into the computers wouldn’t be a problem, but she didn’t like the idea of breaking and entering Chris’s home without his explicit consent. This also provided her with an excuse to ask him for his help for part number four

4. Ask him if he can ask Beth to put Hannah on her “Accepted contacts” list so she could send her a message (under the disguise to ask for her help with all the computers).

Hannah had taken a liking for the astronaut so alike herself. And since she had learned most about her from her two closest males in the universe who valued her very much, Hannah figured she was a safe bet. Besides, Beth’s information and knowledge about the Hermes coding and structure would be crucial if she wanted this mission to become a success. This brought her to the hardest, but not last, part:

5. Get Commander Lewis and the rest of the crew on her side and get Beth on your side. She’ll be your ears and eyes in space.

She needed Lewis to inform NASA about the upcoming events. A system breach not correctly supervised could lead SatCon into a mass panic, and she could be charged for all kinds of felonies. Therefore, she needed the Commander to speak with Vincent Kapoor, Teddy Sanders and whoever else Lewis needed to talk to before Hannah would even as much as lift a finger,

Hannah might be a daredevil, but she was not going in without a foolproof plan.

Her plan initially was to speak with the commander herself, but she figured using Beth would give more beneficial results, since, you know, she was Beth and the commander was Melissa. She wanted to be sure that her plan wouldn’t endanger anyone of the current inhabitants of the spacecraft known as the Hermes, and she wanted everyone, exclusive of Mark and Chris, to be on board. Even though she barely knew anyone on the ship except Mark and Chris, any friend of Mark was a friend of hers. Besides, this mission had been dramatic enough as it is, she didn’t need to add “University student hack her way into the Hermes, all astronauts dead” to that missions’ already bad reputation.

Because that was her sixth, and final step in her pretty thoroughly conceived plan.

6. Hack yourself into the Hermes’s mainframe and lock the idiots into a room for an extended period of time.

She had planned on locking them in tomorrow, had already spoken to Beth who had confirmed time and place, and she had received the green light from the Commander, who had simply said “If I have to endure any more of this moping and pining that is going on under my command, I will jump out of this airlock before we make it back to Earth, I swear”. According to Beth, Lewis had reasoned that they would be more productive if they were in a relationship as opposed to how inefficient they are right now.

Her conversation just mere minutes ago with her brother had caused some problems, however. It had been an impromptu video call, which had caught Hannah off guard. She hadn’t masked her environment yet, and that had resulted in Mark’s revelation near the end of their call. He had obviously recognized her environment, if his total look of shock and wonder was anything to go by. Fortunately, Hannah knew her brother well enough to know that Mark liked to think his way through any problem he faced before asking for an answer, so therefore, the odds of Mark asking Chris about anything before tomorrow were very slim.

The problem, however, was that she had probably caused Mark more anguish than he needed right now. At first glance, this would look like a love triangle worthy of a telenovela (no hate against telenovelas, Hannah’s first ever TV show addiction was Betty la fea). Just imagine, two siblings falling in love with the same man, it would make for a hell of a lot of ratings. Hannah certainly knew she would watch it.

But that wasn’t what was going on here, at all. Hannah had literally spent time and money on trying to get them together, for Christ’s sake! She loved them both like brothers.

She just hoped that after tomorrow, there wouldn’t be any doubt about it.