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✧༺✦✮✦༻∞ ✶∞༺✦✮✦༻✧

Remus Lupin is used to obstacles everywhere, wreaking havoc in every aspect of his life. 

He had been bitten by a werewolf when he was four. He has spent the next six years believing that he would never be able to go to the same school his dad went to, instead resigning himself to a life of isolation, fear and pain. On his tenth birthday, however, Albus Dumbledore came into his home, peered at Remus over half-moon spectacles with twinkling blue eyes, and told him that, with precautions, Remus Lupin would be able to attend Hogwarts. 

He was overjoyed, of course. A werewolf! Receiving the opportunity to attend Hogwarts! That meant that all the self studying he’s been doing would provide him with a few steps ahead of everyone. Even at age ten, he knew: if he wanted an inkling of a bright future awaiting him, he had to do better than all his classmates to compensate for the fact that he was a werewolf. 

So, of course, he did. He studied hard, he worked hard, and, against all odds, made new friends. Not just polite acquaintances, but true friends, who, in the face of his shameful secret, not only did not back down in fear, but instead went up and above to make his life better for him. 

He had always known that it was too good to be true. 

He was right. 

“You… what?”

“I told Snape…” The whisper barely made it to Remus’ ears, the volume of Sirius’ voice utterly contrasting with the shame and guilt undoubtedly flooding through him. 

“You didn’t only tell Snape.” Prongs’ hollow tone, low and with increasing fury, struck another bolt of fear into Remus’ chest. “You gave him directions to the Shrieking Shack, and told him how to get in. If I didn’t pull him back at the last minute, he’d have died.” 

An angry James Potter was the last thing anyone would have expected to see, with his carefree approach to life and devil-may-care attitude. So when Prongs was mad, anyone would know that something was wrong. 

“Did he-” Remus croaked, terror rendering his words nearly unrecognizable. Peter reached over, rubbing soothing circles on his back to root him to the present. 

“No, Moony, he isn’t dead, nor is he harmed. He’s just thoroughly spooked and in shock. I couldn’t pull him out in time, though. I’m so sorry, but he caught a glimpse of you as a werewolf just as I yanked him out, mate. He’s alive, though.”

“Moony, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt yo-”

“Don’t. Call me. Moony.” 

Remus could barely hear the overwhelming silence over the rising tsunami of emotions. The one person he trusted his secrets with, his heart, had to be the one person who betrayed him? This had to be a sign from the universe, he supposed. Never thought life was going to let you off. He could hear life laughing at him for having let down his guard, just as it had been all his life. 

He couldn’t stay in the dorm any longer. The room was pressing in, the air was too thin, he couldn’t breathe- 

He leapt onto his feet, stepping over the little circle of pillows and cushions he had been sitting in, stumbling his way to the door, barely pausing as he looks back at Sirius dead in the eyes as he said, voice flat to hide his whirlwind of emotions, “We’re done.” 

Those were the last words he said to Sirius for a while. 

~*~

As the next few weeks passed by, James and Peter sided with Remus, ignoring Sirius and avoiding him as much as possible, which meant letting his words fly over their heads, even when Sirius kept on trying to seek Remus out to apologize. 

“I’m sorry,” Pleading gray eyes met hard amber ones in the mirror in the dormitory toilet as Remus brushed his teeth in the morning, begging for forgiveness. 

“I’m sorry,” An apologetic mumble through his bed’s curtain at night, Remus’ chest too tight to breathe through. 

“I’m sorry!” The parchment flew into his hand during charms, the elegant and cursive handwriting punctuated by faint wobbles in the lettering. Remus could smell salt in the faint stains that dotted throughout the parchment. 

Remus couldn't avoid the hurt that was drowning him. Sirius Black, his best friend, his boyfriend, betrayed his trust, on a whim to - what? Get back at Snape after he fell prey to his quick temper? Was he worth nothing but a comeback used to harm others, like the Dark creature he is? Were all the whispered and yelled declarations of love nothing but pretty lies, meant to reel him in? He had never been this close to crying in bed. Not even when Sirius was dating Mary and then Marlene did he feel like breaking down into tears so badly. 

Once, Remus had just completed a wander around Hogwarts after curfew under James's Cloak, he walked into the dorm, about to take it off, when he saw Sirius and James talking. 

Stilling, he carefully backed out of the dorm, standing outside to eavesdrop on the conversation. 

“James, please, listen, it was to get back at Snape-”

“And you prioritize our feud with Snape over protecting your ex-boyfriend’s secret? Did you forget that he was your best friend too?” James's cutting words put an end to Sirius’ blabbering excuse of an explanation. 

“I was too caught up in the moment, Prongs, please-”

“What you did was really fucked up, even for you, Sirius.”

Huh. James meant business when he called Sirius by his name rather than Padfoot. Remus took a few steps back, took off the cloak after checking for people, and walked into the dorm, making sure his steps were loud enough to be unmistakable. There were no more apologies that night after the glare James shot Sirius. 

The rest of Hogwarts was also rife with confusion. James Potter and Sirius Black, best of friends, ringleaders of the Marauders group, suddenly split apart by an argument? Prosperous! Yet it was true, evidence before their very eyes, Sirius Black moping around in a corner, James ignoring him, while seemingly giving extra care to Remus, Peter offering extra support in the form of back rubs, chocolate and tea. 

Back when he and Pa- Sirius were dating, they didn't keep it under tight wraps, but they didn't advertise it either. So Remus wasn't exactly surprised to see startled glances aimed bemusedly at them. 

They were less than a week away from the next month's full moon when Remus started to see the strain of James's separation from his other half. His eyebags started to darken further, and his eyes tended to slide to Sirius whenever he was within sight. He also started slipping in Sirius’ name into conversations, catching himself at the last minute and hastily changing topics to compensate for his mistakes. 

Seeing how James struggled to cope with the loss of his brother out of loyalty to Remus, he started feeling even worse. 

Peter, on the other hand, was rather furious with Sirius’ actions. 

“We're the marauders, we most definitely do not betray secrets to anyone outside, let alone our worst archenemy, Moony. If you think I'm going to let it slide, you're even more wrong than the time I thought taking your chocolate was harmless.” Peter said, his eyes narrowed in determination, daring Remus to contradict him. He'd never been so touched. 

Remus was never meant to have friends, let alone be the reason why friends weren't talking with one another. Just because he had issues with Sirius, doesn't mean the others couldn't as well. 

“Are you mad, Moony? He was in the wrong! If you think we're mad on your behalf, you're absolutely right, but it doesn't mean we aren't crossed with his actions! I'll stay mad at him, thank you very much,” James spat, but even a stranger could tell it didn't take him little effort to say the words. Peter nodded in agreement, though he glanced at James out of the corner of his eyes, a little concerned. 

Sometimes, late in the nights, while he was blanketed by the cloak of darkness, while on prefect strolls with Lily, he wanted to succumb to the urges to scream his frustration and heartbreak- no, not heartbreak, the squeezing in his heart wasn't because he felt heartbroken every time he saw Sirius, he was simply feeling betrayed. He wanted to run under the cover of the Forbidden Forest and yell his pain, because why would Sirius do that? 

He loves- loved Sirius with every inch of him, knew he was going to be the king of his heart, body, and soul, yet Sirius threw him to the wolves - unintentional pun - without a second thought. Sirius knew that his secret had to be kept, or else his life would be essentially ruined, for who would want to hire a werewolf? 

Remus Lupin was used to obstacles in his life, but Sirius was an entire battle he wasn't going to win. 

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✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

Remus was used to seeing students wave at professors and at acquaintances, calling out with cries of, “Good day!” and “Greetings!” all throughout the morning.

He, however, was not having a good day, and the only thing he wanted to greet was the bed in his dormitory as he fell asleep, relaxed and not at all pressured by the time crunch he was on. The oncoming full moon tomorrow night didn't help either.

His frustration stemmed solely from his OWLs revision.

It most definitely was not because he caught Sirius laughing with Emmeline Vance, while she hung off his arm, batting her wide eyes and long lashes at him.

It had absolutely nothing to do with his smiling at Benjy Fenwick, his smirk unsettlingly similar with the grins he'd use to shoot at Remus while he flirted with him, undaunted when Remus rolled his eyes, because he’d still be rewarded with a smile tugging on his lips.

It was utterly unrelated to the fact that he saw a brown haired boy catch his raven haired lover and swung her around in the hallways outside class, her long, wavy locks flying around as she shrieked her delight and adoration.

It was completely unconnected to the fact that, in his rush to grab his prefect badge, Remus messily trashed through his bedside drawer, unintentionally revealing Sirius’ favorite ring, which he gifted him on his birthday last year. Until last month, it could always be found on his finger, where Sirius would always press his mouth against when he was feeling particularly dramatic in bidding farewell, which occurred frequently.

No, he was not… feeling anything about those situations. His patience was merely stretched thin because a crucial exam was just around the corner.

While he was revising charmswork in the library during the evening, he saw Snape lingering around the potions’ aisle.

Looking down, he focused on his work and prayed that he'll leave him alone. His head was building up with nausea, but it was still at a manageable level, so he wouldn't worry yet.

Shouldn't you be apologizing? It was your fault after all…

After a hesitation filled with debate, he sighed and got up, cursing at the Gryffindor in him.

“Snape.”

He whipped around so fast Remus felt momentarily dizzy on his behalf, hand reaching for his wand, and pointed it at him before saying his next words.

Remus kept his grip on his own wand, just in case. “Look, Sirius’ actions, it was really stupid, I'm sorry it happened to you-”

“Stay back, I wouldn't want my wand to slip, I doubt the ministry would even fault me for self defense if I hexed you.” Snape's eyes were narrowed, eyeing him with malicious intent, laced with a little fear.

Even if it was Snape, the fear in his eyes made something in Remus shrink back, the nightmare of terrified glances directed at him coming true in a way. It took sheer willpower to force away his oncoming bout of dizziness.

His misery morphed into rage, and he left the library then, but not before baring his teeth at Snape and reveling in the way he took a step back, knowing his own guilt would come crashing later.

The next day found Remus sick in his bed, fever bringing icy coldness and burning hotness to attack him without mercy.

Remus groaned, weak enough to struggle to even flip onto his side. He knew that James and Peter were anxiously waiting on the other side of the curtains surrounding his bed, debating on who to send off to grab breakfast and who to step up and claim what they termed “Moony Duty”.

He counted at least five heaving breaths before Peter cautiously parted the curtains before climbing in, settling into a comfortable position with his hands tucked beneath his knees and wearily trying to gauge his mood.

“I thought it was you who was supposed to go get my breakfast this month?” Remus wheezed, feeling his bones grind uncomfortably against one another, heated and aching deep within his muscles.

Peter scoffed. “Have you taken a look at yourself? You look so awful you make James’s hair tidy, and his father was the one who invented hair potions to tame hair! Besides, my smaller size would jostle the mattress less, so you would hurt less than if James hopped into here, and he can get you your breakfast faster than me with those long legs of his.”

“Probably would take twice as much time as you would because he’s too busy being a fool around Lily,” Remus gasped, and Peter cackled before sobering up quickly at Remus’ coughing fit.

“Hey…you alright?” Peter fretted, diving over to his bedside table to fish for Pepperup Potions, muttering a quick apology when Remus yelped his protest at the shifting mattress under Peter’s moving weight, coming up empty before searching Sirius’ and triumphantly handing Remus a bottle, who promptly gave in and drank it, both of them determinedly ignoring the fact that Sirius was the only person who still stored extra potions in case Remus ever needed them.

Not that James and Peter don’t, but Remus didn’t trust anything edible that came from the same drawers that housed plenty of logistics for pranks, and Remus himself was too prideful to face the fact that he wasn’t strong enough to bear pain without help. And it wasn’t even the transformation yet, Remus scoffed. How could he ask for help if he didn’t strictly need it?

The door flew open to reveal a James Potter bursting through, expertly avoiding the clutters scattered throughout the floor and making his way to Remus and Peter, the tray in his hands somehow defying gravity and his constant movements.

“I’ve got your toast with four different spreads on each quarter, along with your tea, so if you don’t eat it, I will feed you by hand if it’s the last thing I do before Minnie stomps up and murders me for skipping her class,” James threatened.

Remus raised his hands in surrender before reluctantly taking a bite out of his toast, forcing the food down his throat, lest James get impatient watching him eat and feeding him anyway.

He sensed the heavy atmosphere long before he decided to confront it, but maybe James’s impatience was rubbing off him, for he gave the boys side glances and motioned for them to talk while he was eating.

“Well…it’s the full moon tonight.”

“Yes, James, I didn’t realize, being a werewolf really prevents me from knowing my lunar cycles.”

“Oh, stop it, Remus. James just meant, it’s the full moon tonight, d’you want Padfoot to-”

“No.” Remus’ voice was clipped.

Loaded glances were exchanged between Prongs and Wormtail, before James hesitantly turned to Remus again. “Are you sure? Because Moony might miss-”

“If you miss talking to Sirius, you can talk to him, you know. If you’re worried about me, I basically gave you permission for that already when I brought it up.”

“No! I just meant- Moony might find it odd that one of his pack isn’t there- and he might get upset-”

“If I go through body pains every month for Moony, he can damn well handle a little bit of unhappiness because one of his pack in question betrayed the trust of his, even if he doesn’t know it,” Remus snarled, already reaching his patience limit, even if it was morning.

Sensing his refusal to negotiate on this further, Peter stepped in to console Remus. “Alright, Moony, Padfoot won’t come tonight, James didn’t mean it like that, didn’t you?”

James jumped at the opportunity to apologize to Remus. “Mate, I really didn’t mean it that way, I was just thinking for Moony, don’t get too mad at me, please?”

Remus scowled at him, unimpressed at his shameless abuse of his James Potter smile, knowing that Remus could never stay mad at him with that grin.

He never could stay mad at James, even without that smile anyway.

~*~

Sunlight filtered in through the crudely built windows of the Shrieking Shack, illuminating the dust floating around, but was still a few inches shy of bathing the blood splattered on the floorboard in light.

“Godric, Moony, stay still, don't move- oh Merlin, you're bleeding really badly-”

“Thanks, James, couldn't tell with the pain somewhere in my right calf.”

Remus could barely keep his eyes open with the red-hot pain steadily making progress, extending from his calf and making way to his head.

Wormtail's light footsteps tapped across the floorboards, squeaking in alarm before realizing no one could understand him and changed back.

“Poppy's coming,” he whispered to James. “Hurry, get going, I can stay with Moony while you go.”

James's eyes widened, torn between staying with Moony even in the face of being caught out of loyalty, or to spare Remus from tidying up the aftermath should he be caught with him right after the full moon.

Remus glared at James, too busy keeping the pain at bay to form any words, but James got the message.

“Fine,” He mumbled. “Stay safe, Moony, Wormtail. I'll see you later.”

When Poppy came, he tried convincing her that he was good to go immediately after he was patched up.

“Nonsense, Mr Lupin, it's been months since we've had an injury like this, so why-?”

“Werewolf must've scratched himself by accident, Madam Pomfrey.”

But deep down, Remus was avoiding the truth. He sensed the Wolf's distress last night, wondering where his favorite playmate had gone, and even with the rest of his pack there, his frustration and confusion came in the form of gnawing on himself. He couldn’t find any bite marks on himself, save for the fateful one that introduced him into the world of werewolves, and old scars, so he could only assume that Prongs or Wormtail had successfully persuaded the Wolf not to.

That evening, Remus curled into himself on his bed while carefully minimizing movement on his right calf, lightly snoozing before he felt irritation raise its head at the rising voices he couldn’t ignore any longer.

“I just want to apologize, is that too much to ask for?”

“Considering what you did, you should be thankful that Moony hasn’t petitioned for you to be expelled.”

It was true. He had every opportunity and right to call for Sirius’ expulsion after what he did, but whenever he considered looking for Mcgonagall, he couldn’t find it in himself to drag his feet to his Head of House, look her in the eye and let the axe fall on Sirius’ fate.

“Prongs, Wormtail, please-”

Remus attempted to close his eyes and beg for oblivion to take him into unconsciousness, but try as he might, he couldn’t get the previous day’s events out of his head. Sirius may be pleading now, face screwed up in misery, but he didn’t seem to have any trace of unhappiness when he was talking to Emmeline Vance, to Benjy Fenwick, nor while he was grinning with Mary, Marlene and Dorcas.

Sirius’ ring was also impossible to forget, too. Remus could feel its presence in his drawer like a burning beacon of light, determined to make Remus burn from the agony of it all.

“Moony, I’m really sorry, I was really riled up, Snape provoked me, I really didn’t know what I was thinking…”

Wonderful. The attention had now turned to him.

“Who took all of my trust and abused it, Sirius? Truth is, you did.”

Peter, being the brilliant empath he is, clambered into Remus’ bed and kept his hand on his back, the familiar action grounding Remus.

Remus glared at Sirius, hoping it would put him off, but Sirius Black has been suffering his own guilt for a month now, and he was impatient for things to change. Usually dealing with Remus’ mood swings nearing the full moon helped him remain undeterred in the face of his glares, too.

“Moony - Remus, please, it was an accident, please believe me…”

What was the campaign motto muggles used? “Reduce, reuse, recycle”? Was that how Sirius used his speeches on his ex girlfriends too? Not that he could use that insult, his pureblooded friends wouldn’t understand. Where was Lily Evans when you needed her to understand your jokes?

“Remus-”

“Oh, enough, can’t you tell he’s in pain-”

“Guys, just stop, he’s feeling unwell-”

Too many voices. Too many voices were crowding around him and Remus was finding it harder to breathe again. He flattened his palm against the mattress, feeling and around and closing his hand around his wand, pointing it in the direction of Sirius.

A wand and the threat of it, apparently, was nothing to the marauders. Tempers, voices, and tensions rose higher, every passing second ratcheting his headache to a new level of intensity.

Without thinking, Remus waved his wand at the loudest source of noise, barely registering the hex in his head.

When Sirius looked at the marauders in confusion, Remus’ heart dropped to his stomach as he finally recalled what he cursed Sirius with.

A modified memory charm.

Chapter Text

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

On a fine Friday in May, most people, if confronted with such a situation, would freeze, panic, and then reverse the spell he placed on his ex boyfriend, apologizing and forgiving his actions for they were now even, and live a contented happily ever after. 

Remus was not most people. 

In the ensuing silence, Remus’ mind blanked out, turned his wand onto his two protesting friends, and without a second thought, he ignored their confused and puzzled facial expressions, choosing instead to look at their ears as he Stunned them. 

It took him a few minutes, but when his brain finally caught up with his body, he dropped his wand out of shock, his arm slumping back onto the bed. 

Fuck. 

What had he done? 

He was probably committing a crime, even if it was a modified version of obliviate. 

He was going to land straight in Azkaban, like how he probably would a few years in the future. 

Nevermind the Dementors, he would perish within a month if there was no one to tend to his wounds after his full moon transformation. 

Would the Daily Prophet delight in publishing a piece on him? “Young werewolf thrown into Azkaban after caught obliviating three best friends”. How would his parents react? His schoolmates? Snape would definitely offer an interview on his most recent brush with death. 

Everyone would know. 

Everyone would… 

Everyone? 

He glanced at his unconscious friends, wincing in apology when he found them on the floor, clothes and accessories askew, limbs sticking out at odd angles. 

If he further adjusted his memory charm on them, resulting in them forgetting about his secret, wouldn’t it be easier for everyone all around? Hogwarts would see four best friends that reconciled, Peter wouldn’t be dragged into this mess, James wouldn’t feel torn between his head and his heart, and Sirius… 

Sirius wouldn’t remember doing anything that wronged Remus. 

Remus would be able to hold the pain of the whole situation by himself, just as he always wanted. They’ll be able to go back as usual, the four marauders pranking others while having unbroken friendship ties with one another. 

And he and Sirius… 

Remus stopped dead. He couldn’t be this foolish, could he? If Sirius didn’t remember what he did wrong to Remus, but Remus still hasn’t gotten over the hurt Sirius gave him, Sirius may be able to carry on as normal, but he wouldn’t. 

He'd have to remove Sirius’ memories of falling in love with him too. 

The process wasn’t an issue. Remus was certain the ideas were somewhere in the back of his head, and it would take little effort to dig it out and successfully perform it. It was the consequences. Was he ready for Sirius to completely forget that he once loved Remus Lupin? An aristocrat, one that was charming, and good looking, with his family members expecting to marry him off to another pureblood heir (though he soon put a stop to that), fell in true, genuine love with a half blooded, half breed werewolf? 

Remus knew that if he took this step, there was no returning from what he would have done. So, he let down his guard too. Locking the dorm door to ensure zero interruptions, he gently tugged every single one of his friends into their respective beds, their weights no match for werewolf strength, especially with the recent full moon. 

It took Remus a couple of minutes to figure out how to effectively remove all the necessary memories, but he hedged his hopes on the fact that the boys would associate his secrets with intensive emotions, such as concern, worry, protectiveness and love.

To avoid getting cold feet, he casted his spell on Sirius first, siphoning his memory and containing it into one of the sections. “Goodbye, Sirius.” His voice cracked. “I love you.” 

James was next. “I hope you’ll forgive me somewhere,” Remus rasped. “At least you won’t be so torn between me or him anymore.” 

Peter… 

“I’m so sorry, Peter, I’m so sorry,” he croaked, hands shaking so badly he had to pause before attempting the spell again. 

He Accioed Sirius’ ring from his drawer, and with a final kiss on Sirius’ forehead, he combed his midnight locks with trembling fingers, before transfiguring Sirius’ gift into a locket, casting an undetectable extension charm on the insides afterwards, adding three sections separating the empty space in the locket. 

He knew he wasn’t heartless enough to completely erase their fond memories of him, so he took the memories and gingerly placed each one’s memory into a section, lightly sealing each section, marking James’s section with a stag’s antlers, Sirius’ with a paw print, and Peter’s with whiskers and a rat’s tail. 

On the other side of the locket, he shrank a muggle photograph he had Lily take for them, it was one with the four of them looking out at a sunset in a row, facing the camera with their backs, arms wrapped around the shoulders next to them, each boy identifiable by their heights and hair. Peter’s blonde head was on the extreme right, followed by James, immediately distinguishable by the messy mop of his jet black hair, Sirius’ long hair tumbled down his shoulders, his head, however, was leaning against Remus’ shoulder, that simple action bringing a lump to his throat. Remus himself was on the leftmost side of the photograph, his chocolate brown curls a dead giveaway. 

There. That was going to be proof that after today, he, Remus Lupin, was once loved and cherished by the best friends he could have ever asked for. He was too selfish to completely ignore it, and if he had to face the rest of his life without acknowledging it with the rest of the marauders that they had once loved him, he would just seek comfort from his newfound treasure. 

He closed the locket, studying the details engraved on the front: a sun and a moon on the east and west of the locket respectively, a star sitting on the northernmost side, and to the bottom of it, was Earth. 

He slipped the locket onto his neck and closed his eyes, slumping onto his bed and burying his head into his hands. He had really done it. He removed their memories, and indirectly the foundations of their tightly knitted bonds. In doing so, he had basically distanced himself from the welcoming embrace of the marauders. 

They wouldn’t remember the reason their friendship with him started. Their memories of friendship with each other had not changed, and so the bonds between the three of them would be the same as before, but they would forget Remus and start seeing and treating him as one would politely treat an acquaintance. 

Remus gave himself a few more minutes to mourn the old friendships, before recomposing himself and planning out the stories he would feed his friends. 

With a few deep breaths, he picked up his wand, raised it in the marauders’ direction, and woke them up. “Rennervate.” 

He lowered his wand and went back to his book, acting as though it were normal to witness them stir on a Friday evening, with no recollections of what had happened whatsoever. 

“What happened?” Peter’s feeble voice broke the ice. 

“A dry run for a prank idea went wrong,” Remus replied, reciting the well rehearsed story he invented, eyes fixed on the book, not ready to meet his freshly obliviated friends in the eye. “I found all of you, and brought you back up here. Not sure what might’ve happened, but I think the failed prank attempt might have removed the last few minutes of your memory while you were conscious.” 

He finally dared to look up. 

“Merlin, Wormtail, must’ve been your fault again!” Sirius groaned, rubbing his eyes as he squinted blearily at Remus. 

“Me? What did I do? None of us even remember!” 

“Well then, if something went wrong, I suppose we should thank our knight in shining armor for saving us three damsels in distress,” James said from his bed, grinning at Remus. “Thanks, mate.” 

 Remus smiled back faintly, wondering what James would've really said if he knew what Remus had just done. 

A hand unintentionally made its way to the locket tucked under his robes, the evidence of his wrongdoings and that he was loved warring at each other in his head. 

Thankfully, it was the weekend, so he had a little more than two days to monitor their behavior to subtly guide them back to look unsuspecting. 

He most definitely was not expecting anyone to meddle or interfere with his plans. 

Even if he did, he wasn't expecting it to come in the form of Lily Evans.

Chapter Text

*＊✿❀○❀✿＊*

Lily Evans was a witch and a feminist. 

She also was a clever girl with acute observations. 

So, naturally, it did not slip past her that the marauders were in an odd limbo. 

Remus has been joining her more and more frequently, sometimes not even balking when she said she was having her study sessions with the girls and joining in without a second thought. Not that Marlene, Mary or Dorcas minded it — they were more than thrilled to have an extra tutor help them with academics. 

She wasn't dense, either. A month ago, Severus grabbed her in the Great Hall and pulled her aside to talk to her. She waved away at her disapproving friends, who were frowning at both her friendship with Severus and the rough way he tugged at her elbow. 

“I was right,” He began in a low voice, eyes glittering with malice. 

Lily's heart sank. There was only one thing he had been recently going on and on about, and it was the relentless theory that Remus was a werewolf. 

She knew, of course. Five months into her friendship with Remus in third year, she had noticed he always seemingly fell sick around the full moon, the scars after the night of the full moon itself, and the way the marauders would fuss at him, treating him more gently than she would porcelain. 

She noticed his aversion to silver, always seeming weaker and more flighty if she wore the silver earrings Severus gifted her. When she confronted him, his solemn face and terrified eyes, complete with resigned words saying he'll leave, she slapped him and told him there was no way that would affect their friendship. In fact, next time she meets a dreaded spider, she'll run straight to him for help. 

Oh, and she would instantly transfigure the earrings from silver to tin painted silver, too. 

She could've cried from the gratefulness that flooded his face. 

“Right about what?” She asked instead, stubbornly playing dumb to stall for time. 

Severus’ smile widened, his dark hair framing a face full of intentions to sabotage someone. No, not someone. Not a distant person she barely knew this time, but one of her best friends, Remus. 

Lily felt sick to her bones. 

“Loony Lupin is a filthy half breed, indeed.”

Lily lightly shoved his shoulder. “Don't talk like that about Remus!” 

His eyes snapped back to her, extremely triumphant. “I have proof, Lily, it isn't just a theory anymore!” 

She really shouldn't be humoring him, but she had to know how he found out. Maybe she'd be able to lead him away from the truth by pointing out some miraculous plot holes in his story. Severus was a very thorough person, but when it came to the marauders, he had a tendency to skip all common thought and pin the blame on them without thinking twice. “How?” 

“I saw for myself. Provoked Black so much, he said the Whomping Willow was nothing but a cover to keep students away, and there's a knot to press under the Willow, so it'll freeze and you could access the secret tunnel underneath it. I went last night, and I saw a werewolf, snout and everything, recently transformed!” 

Sirius Black, I'm going to murder you. 

Lily was going to hug Remus, kill Sirius, and continue coddling Remus. Not necessarily in that order. “But then how did you get out alive?” 

She didn't miss the way Severus’ face darkened a few shades, metaphorically and literally in red. “Potter pulled me out at the last second. Probably chickened out when he thought he'd get expelled for murdering a student.” 

She was going to comfort Remus, kiss Potter in thanks, go back to hating him, further comfort Remus, murder Sirius, and then go back to comforting Remus. 

“Sev, that's really dangerous! You could have died! Besides, how are you so sure that it was Remus? It could've been someone else, doesn't mean it definitely was Remus who was a werewolf!” 

Severus softened at Lily's concern regarding his life, but then replied to her question. “I saw him, Lily. I saw his face just before he transformed. I don't think he remembered, though.” 

Tiny pieces. I am going to cut Sirius Black into itsy bitsy pieces. And I'm going to use it for a potion he'd hate. Maybe a potion that messes one’s hair rather than tidy it up. 

“But how aren't you disgusted? Loony- oh, very well, Lupin's a werewolf! A Dark creature, set wild amongst students!”

The way Severus talked about Remus as though he was a nameless, faceless monster to be tamed and killed, set fire to Lily's protective nature when it came to defending her friends.  

“In case you forgot, Severus, he's a student too. Or are you going to blindly hate him just like how you hate muggleborns?” She retorted coldly, face void of any emotion. 

“I don't hate you-” Severus began, protesting. 

“I'm the only exception because you came here with me. You hate Mary, and you're with Mulciber's little gang! What he did to her was vile, Severus-”

“Enough. We're not having this conversation again.” 

They didn't talk for a few days after that. 

Lily wanted to approach Remus a few days afterwards, but she saw how much misery was crushing him, how James and Peter were struggling to hold up, and knew that even if her intention was to share the pain, she might end up pushing Remus too far and hurt him further. So, she stayed away from them. 

She could have talked to Sirius as well, but with her rage at him, and the way she’s seen him act in school, she may lash out at him out of indignance on Remus’ behalf, and kick him down like one kicks at a wounded puppy. 

So, she stayed away from the marauders, giving them time. 

She gave them a month, and watched as Sirius fell apart from being isolated from other parts of his soul. Even James Potter barely acted like an arrogant toerag. Instead, he and Peter sat with Remus, Lily appreciating Peter’s comforting manner and soothing aura provided for Remus, while Potter offered his loyalty in the form of his presence, determinedly ignoring his brother, something all of Hogwarts thought he’d rather die than do. 

One month later, she had enough waiting. 

Too many confusing things were going on. Sirius and Potter were back to being thick as thieves, brothers reunited, while Remus was suddenly more of an outcast than she’s ever seen. Peter seemed the same, mostly, but… 

It took her a couple of days to figure out what was wrong. 

The marauders were treating Remus more distantly, as though he were a polite acquaintance. She studied them more during mealtimes in the Great Hall, noticing how Sirius didn't look at Remus with love and adoration anymore, how Potter no longer looked at him with the same protectiveness and friendship, and Peter stopped grinning at Remus with the same comforting silence she was used to them exchanging by now. 

Even before the Prank Sirius pulled on Severus, this was utterly baffling. If anyone should be treated distantly, it should be Sirius, so why was it Remus, who was the victim? 

Maybe Potter was an arrogant toerag after all. 

She didn’t want to breach the tentative peace she had with Remus yet, wanting to give him peace for a little while longer, so she approached her friends. 

“Have any of you seen the boys today?” Mary asked the rest of them in the comfort of their dorm, looking at herself in the mirror and making minor adjustments on her appearance, currently pulling a face as she tugged at the tangled curls with her hand, muttering and cursing at how African women have troublesome hair and not that she didn’t love it to bits, but maintenance was rather time consuming. 

“Why look at the boys when I can look at my gorgeous girlfriend?” Marlene drawled, flipping her blonde hair, grinning at how the girlfriend in question blushed, Dorcas’ face turning a few shades darker, who rolled her eyes, sliding an arm over her shoulder. 

Lily was not going to leave this conversation without telling her friends her thoughts. She wasn’t worried about her friends leaking secrets to outsiders, for they have kept plenty over the years and not a single one was exposed without express permission. She had too many questions she wanted answered. “Marls, this is serious, please. Remember how the boys were so distant? Suddenly everything is all backwards! Potter and Black are back to being the best of friends, while they’re treating Remus like he’s a stranger!” 

Dorcas snapped back to attention, blush forgotten as she frowned in concentration, fingers toying with the multiple bangles adorning her wrists. “You do have a good point, you know. Just yesterday, Potter was barely holding onto his determination to ignore Black, who looked like he was on the verge of tears, and today they’re back to boisterous laughter and mischievous smiles!” 

“Peter and Remus were also extremely odd. Yesterday, the silence surrounding them was comforting and consoling, but today Peter acted like he didn’t even exist, only having eyes for Potter and Sirius! The only interaction I saw was him passing the salt to Remus, and it looked so formal even the muggle Queen of England has acted more casually at a national event!” Mary absentmindedly agreed, now deciding on her wardrobe, lifting up brightly coloured clothes against her dark skin. Lily thought the fabric contrasted with her skin tone rather well. 

“Besides, Lils, what was the argument that split them up like that again? If it was bad enough for the marauders to baby Remus and act like Black committed a crime, there’s no way they would have made up so fast, nor would Remus forgive Black in less than a month, even if they are dating.” Marlene chipped in, utterly puzzled while she examined her nail polish, probably debating if they needed a new coat. 

Lily hesitated, panic temporarily silencing her voice as two voices in her head warred against each other. She was used to telling the girls everything that went on, so there were no secrets between them, but Remus’ secret was his to keep, not hers to tell, so she’s kept mum for a couple years now. 

“Look… it isn’t my place to say, but basically Black betrayed Remus’ trust, and it was really bad, alright?” 

Three sets of devastated eyes whipped towards Lily, Mary setting down her clothes, Marlene’s hand stilling midair from carefully messing her curls, and Dorcas sat up straight, all of them horrified that she was keeping something from them. “Lily Evans… Are you keeping a secret from us?” 

Lily didn’t fault them, either. They were used to gossiping and speculating rumors, not life threatening secrets that put their best friends on the line. She couldn’t tell them what she was hiding, but she could make sure they knew the severity of what was at risk. 

“I’m serious, guys, this time it’s consequential. I’m really sorry to be keeping things from you, but lives can be ruined if this gets out, and it’s not my secret to tell, please?” She pleaded, feeling misery make an appearance on her face through furrowed brows and heavy eyes. 

Her friends studied her facial expressions and exchanged glances, carrying wordless conversations, weighing the gravity of the situation, before Mary finally nodded at her, communicating their understanding and respecting her decisions like she hoped they would. 

Lily deflated in relief. Even if she couldn’t tell them the contents of the secrets, letting them know and acknowledge the presence of it lifted the weight on her shoulders she hadn’t realized she had been carrying for years. 

“Oh, love, you’ve been shouldering that burden on your own for a while now, haven’t you?” Dorcas got up from the bed she was sharing with Marlene, wrapping Lily in a soothing embrace. “I’m sorry you didn’t feel safe enough to let us know.” 

Lily closed her eyes, sliding her arms around Dorcas tightly, breathing in her jasmine scent as her braids tickled her lightly. “I’m sorry for not letting you guys know earlier on, too.” 

Once she felt incredibly comforted, she pulled back and got down to business. “Back to the point, ladies. Do any of us want to interrogate the lads to ask what happened for them to get back together too quickly?” 

“I’ll do it,” Mary volunteered, now back to picking cheerful colors for her clothes, peering at herself in the mirror. “Sirius and I have a makeup session tomorrow, and I’ll ask him while I’m doing his eyeliner — there’s no way he would risk imperfection on his face by giving me an unsatisfactory answer.” 

“And I can ask James,” Marlene added. “Bloody Potter making the Quidditch team push ourselves to the limit at the ungodly hour of five in the morning, he can answer my questions at the very least. Though, we may get clearer answers if Lils asked?” 

All of them were immensely clear on James's crush on Lily since second year, with all his mortifying attempts to ask her out since the third. 

“No!” Lily yelped, not quite comprehending the looks the girls gave each other, but not really wanting to find out either. “He's such a moron, and an arrogant toerag, and-”

“We get it, Lils, we really do,” Dorcas said with a sympathetic face, not quite succeeding in her attempt covering the smile threatening to seize her mouth. 

“Oh, we do, alright, but does she?” Marlene muttered under her breath, earning herself a sharp glare from Lily. 

And just like that, the girls were sharp on the marauders’ tails, prepared to dig up every inch of information. 

Chapter Text

━━━━━━༺༻ ━━━━━━

“Look, darling Mary, watch this, I’ve recently just discovered how to do this with my wand!” 

Sirius peered at the pocket mirror Mary brought with her from home, brows furrowed in concentration as he tapped his wand at the skin at the corners of his eyes, and before Mary could slip in a warning cautioning him to be careful, little stars were being drawn and scattered all around his eyes. 

Sirius blinked, highlighting the effect as the stars shifted with his facial movements. Mary suspected that the stars drawn were done so with glitter, for there were faint twinkling effects, but the stars were too small for her to be sure. 

Either way, Sirius’ looks were by no means unpleasant, but the stars seemed to boost his features. 

Probably why she used to date him. Simply for the looks and their shared interest over makeup and clothes. However, they soon discovered that they were better off as friends who fussed over each other’s wardrobe than kissing in the moonlight and whatnot. 

She gave his face a once-over and a low whistle, impressed by his skill and his researching efforts to figure it out. “Then I guess you don’t want me to do your eyeliner anymore? Since you have magic to do your own makeup?” 

He gave an offending gasp, hand over his heart, furiously blinking to emphasize said makeup while he shot her a wounded look. “Never! My dear, I could never replace your steady hands and sharp eyes. Why, if I ever attempt to do so, I grant you permission to cut my hair!” 

Mary played along, eyes widening. “You don’t mean it? Your beloved hair…hacked into uneven locks… Shorn too close to the head…” 

Sirius winced at her vividly painted image of his cherished silken hair being so brutally ravaged, passing her the eyeliner. “I’m merely offering you a glimpse of a fraction of my sincerity.” 

Us ladies always know what people want. 

Mary turned her body and shifted her position so she was practically in Sirius’ lap, the two of them never having met the words “personal space”, took off the cap and started her work. 

“What’s up with the four of you?” 

“What?”

“You, Remus, James, and Peter. You all seem so… different around each other now.” 

“What do you mean?” If she weren’t doing his eyeliner, she was certain he’d frown.  

“You’ve been distant with Remus, and even though you and Potter had an argument, you’ve suddenly gone back to being the best of friends. Any reasons why?” 

“Uh… OWLs stress?”

She applied a little more pressure while applying his makeup, the subtle reminder that his appearance was in her hands, and he’d therefore best answer her questions to a decent standard. 

“Nice try, Black. Don’t forget who hexed Mulciber so bad he ended up in the infirmary for a month and his reputation took a bigger fall than his body did when I was done with him.” 

Sirius’ returning smile was a mixture of amusement at the memory and fear that he would be Mary’s next victim. “I’m serious — no, Mary, Mary! Please don’t mess up the eyeliner, I’m sorry for the pun — no but really, I have no idea what you’re going on about.” 

Mary slipped on her poker face, studying his earnest eyes and searching for his telltale signs that he was lying. Yet, his fingers weren’t frantically tapping on the nearest surface, he didn’t seem to be chewing on the inside of his cheeks, and his ears did not have any trace of red. 

Tucked in the corner of the Gryffindor common room, in the midst of her biweekly makeup sessions with Sirius, amongst the red and gold cushions piling everywhere, she could only come to a single conclusion. 

Sirius Black was not lying. He really didn’t know what happened. 

Something was wrong. 

『••✎••』

Very much earlier that day, Marlene McKinnon was busy being the predecessor of Mary, unable to wrangle new information from the boys. 

Curse James for his captaining his Quidditch team with an iron fist. Seriously, does he not realize some of them need their precious Sunday mornings for studying, or even better, sleeping? 

“Hey, Potter!” Marlene shouted, even with the distance, she could tell she interrupted his train of thoughts, probably consisting of either his friends, Quidditch, or a certain red headed witch. 

Poor Lily. She hasn’t yet figured out that she fancied him since the end of fourth year, has she? 

“Yeah?” James turned, sweat glistening on his skin and dripping off his hair due to the Quidditch practice a few minutes ago, hand reaching up to play with his hair, an unintentional action whenever he was not focusing on his movements. “‘Sup?” 

“What happened with Remus?” She asked, deciding that the easiest way to gather information from James Potter would be to ask questions, one at a time. Otherwise with his restless energy, he’d chat endlessly on one question, giving her information she found unnecessary, the other vital questions she’d asked him forgotten. 

Sometimes, Marlene didn’t know how he could focus well enough to draw up his brilliant Quidditch strategies and do so well in his academics. 

Dorcas said it must’ve been an idea to get Lily to notice him, but Mary pointed out that wouldn’t it be easier to approach Lily asking for help if he was failing his subjects? 

To her surprise, he frowned in uncertainty. “Remus? My dorm mate? What about him?” 

“He’s your best friend, is he not?” Marlene was feeling more skeptical as she witnessed his bewilderment. 

“I wouldn’t really call it that — Sirius is my best mate, McKinnon. Peter, too. But, sure, we’re friendly enough with each other, so what were you saying?” 

“And what happened with Sirius?” She said slowly, feeling her gut instincts kick in, warning bells going off in her head. Something wasn’t right. James wouldn’t hesitate to call Remus his best friend, so why is he saying he prioritized Pettigrew and Black above him? “You and him seemed to have a fight a while back, lasting all month with him sitting somewhere else, looking so guilty, and you and Peter sat with Remus, comforting him, but a few days ago you’re back to being friends like nothing happened, and you’re being so distant with Remus?” 

She watched as each sentence struck him. No rules in his breakable heaven, indeed. 

“Wait…What? What do you mean, me and Sirius had a fight that lasted a month? And I comforted Remus? I’ve always been this way with Remus, we’re just polite to each other,” James carefully considered his words, looking like Marlene just invented the past month and was feeding him lies. 

Something felt off. She had to let the girls know and get to the bottom of this. “Nevermind, might’ve been hallucinating things, I’ll see if I dreamt everything up with the girls.” She gradually backed away. 

“Marlene-”

Hopping onto her broom to fly to the other side of the pitch to reach the bathrooms, Marlene’s head spun with thoughts scrambling to piece together what she knew, suspected, and possible elaborations to make sense of what she just bore witness to. 

Chapter Text

•.:°❀×═════════×❀°:.•

Lily furiously scribbled on her parchment, her hand practically flying across the paper as she felt her hand ache from writing at such a high speed for hours. 

“Five more minutes!” 

She hated the five minute countdown. What was so necessary about that? List an example of how a Grindylow might… 

She was almost done… 

Almost… 

Just a few more words… 

“Quills down, please!” Professor Flitwick squeaked. “That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchments! Accio!”

Her quill dotted the final full stop, and she sighed in relief, knowing that her exams were nearly over and there was transfiguration left, but that wasn’t due for a few days. She’d take the rest of the day off to relax, and start her academics grinding again tomorrow. 

As she absentmindedly sorted out her agenda for the rest of the week, the other half of her mind wandered off to the internal conflict she’s been feeling for months. 

Severus Snape. 

Ever since that argument regarding Remus being a werewolf, Severus seemed to stray further away from his morality, and following the Pure Blooded society and idealism. 

She had to scold him multiple times because she caught him using the M slur on Mary. 

She snapped at him when he started projecting his Pureblooded views on her, implying how they should rid the world of muggleborns — people of her blood status. 

She had to subtly change the subject when she realized he was trying to be controlling and possessive towards her, her stomach churning when she discovered how awful he was capable of being. 

He started becoming nastier, and multiple times, when Lily parted from him after yet another one of their arguments — which seem to be happening more frequently these days — she found herself close to tears. 

Recently, she heard that Severus insulted the marauders really badly – so horribly it left at least two of them in tears. She wanted more details to find out what had happened, but she had not been able to see more of Remus, save for studying sessions, where they did nothing but talk about things strictly related to revisions. 

She didn’t know what to do about her friendship with him. 

She cared for Severus, of course, he was the first person to introduce her to the wizarding world, and her oldest friend. 

She liked the fact that he shielded her as much as he could, never wanting any harm to come to her. 

He comforted her to the best of his abilities when she sobbed because Petunia didn’t want Lily anymore, getting her to focus on the exciting parts of attending Hogwarts. 

She knew her friends wanted her to break off all ties with Severus, of course, but even if she could, she didn’t want to. Just because she wanted more space doesn’t mean she wanted him to disappear completely from her life. 

“Lils! Cheer up, for every one mistake you made, I probably made five,” Marlene said breezily, misreading the worry on her face, never one to worry about her grades, which was probably validated by her exceptional talent in being a beater on the Quidditch team. 

Mary and Dorcas, on the other hand, were more studious, and were exchanging their answers. “I put option A for the question on hippogriffs, what about you?” 

“Oh no, you must be right, I’ve definitely screwed up my OWLs.” Dorcas bemoaned, hands covering her face, ignoring the ink on her hands transferring to her face, smudging her dark skin. “I’m going to fail everything!” 

“Love, you’ll do fine, you’re way too clever not to,” Marlene soothed, gently taking Dorcas’ hands into hers and tenderly kissing her on the nose. “If you don’t, I’ll take my bat and bash the markers until they give in and give you an Outstanding.” 

Mary smiled at the couple’s romance, evidently wishing for one — not like Lily wasn’t, for who would not want to live a whirlwind romance that looked as if it would last forever? 

“Good Godric, it’s so hot,” Mary panted, fanning herself, practically steps ahead of them all as she gathered speed to reach the lake. “Please, I need the lake to cool down!” 

But despite Mary’s complaint, it was Marlene who stripped her socks, before plunging them into the edge of the lake. She closed her eyes, waddling around, her blonde hair gleaming in the dappled sunlight, a contented sigh leaving her. Seeing the state of her relaxation, the girls followed suit. 

Lily heaved a breath of relief as she slid her legs into the lake, scooping a bit of water to rub at her neck to take some of the heat off. “We really should come out here more often.” 

“I’m lesbian!” Marlene cupped her hands around her mouth and called out, her voice barely echoing off the water before her friends’ fits of laughter covered it. 

Dorcas shook her head at her, her dark eyes shining with exasperation and adoration, unable to hide a fond smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. Marlene leaned over to her, and with a quick glance to check no one else was looking, gave her a quick kiss on the lips. 

And Lily felt a pang of pity and fury on her friends’ behalf, having to hide their relationship simply for having a different sexuality than the rest of the world was used to. She stepped out of the lake, laid down and closed her eyes, trying to picture a better and more forthcoming world, one that would accept everyone for who they were. 

“Lily…” Mary trailed off, her voice sounding a little odd as it broke the tranquil silence. “What’s going on there?” 

“What?” When Mary didn’t reply, Lily opened her eyes, squinting against the brightness of the sun, before looking at Mary. She was staring forward, though, eyes not moving, so she turned around. 

The first thing she noticed was a group of students gathering, and under the nearby tree, Remus was sitting there, nose deep into a book. In the middle of the crowded students, lay Severus, facing Potter, Sirius, and Peter. 

Potter had his wand raised against Severus, a familiar sneer aimed at him. 

Lily may be having conflicted feelings for Severus, but she was not one to leave her friends defenseless. 

She scrambled onto her feet, muttering curses under her breath as she raced to get her shoes on, Dorcas sending a helpful spell that tied her shoelaces together, allowing Lily to start sprinting around the lake to reach her friend on the other side. 

She turned her head back, winking at Mary and blowing Dorcas a kiss in thanks, while Marlene waved her on. They may not agree with her decision to stay friends with Severus, but they would always have her back. 

She was too late. By the time she managed to get there, slightly out of breath, that loathsome little cockroach had used an Impediment jinx on her friend, Scourgified Severus’s mouth, froth covering his mouth, making him gag-

Lily could no longer tame her outrage. “Leave him ALONE!” She shouted. 

Potter and Sirius whipped around immediately, that dastardly rotten carrot’s hand leaping right for his messy black hair. Again. 

Everything that boy did does nothing but fuel her irritation at him. 

“All right, Evans?” His hazel eyes twinkled at her, suddenly seeming pure and innocent, one that implied that the idea that he could be bullying her oldest friend was nothing but a ridiculous notion. 

“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated, gritting her teeth as she glared at Potter. “What’s he done to you?” 

His smile faltered, before regaining his mask, but it wasn’t worn well enough for Lily to not see the deep rage in his hard eyes, and — oh. Oh, Severus, what have you done this time? 

“Well, it’s more of the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…” Lily could hear the tittering laughter of crowd, always worshipping and siding with that nasty, brainless, sot– 

“You think you’re funny,” She said, voice cold enough Mary once told her “it could make Hell freeze over”. “But you’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.” 

“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” Said James quickly, ever the greedy git. “Go on… Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”

Where was Remus? Why isn’t he here, stopping his friends? Remus may dislike Severus, but his distaste for him did not run as deep as the resentment in the rest of his friends, and she was certain he has more than once stopped his friends from going after Severus if the pranks that they planned to pull on him was going too far. 

She’d call for Sirius’ attention, too, but she knew his hatred for Severus was only second to James’s, and they would never stop at anything when it came to harming him — as proven when Sirius sold Remus out. 

Yet, a very small part of her, desperate to protect Severus until the very end, wanted to say yes. But she knew better. Potter wouldn't keep his word, he'll just end up jinxing Severus behind Lily's back. 

And maybe she didn't just want to protect Severus to go out with Potter, too. 

She forced the thought back into the recesses of her mind, refusing to think further on the subject until she has had time to herself to reflect on it. 

“I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” She snarled, projecting every bit of her hostility towards him. 

“Bad luck, Prongs,” Sirius shrugged, turning back to face Severus. “Hey!” Before Lily could shout at Sirius to stop, Severus had already taken matters back into his hands, wand targeted right at Potter. A flash of light later, a gash appeared on the side of Potter’s face, the wound raw and bleeding, blood sliding down his face, splattering his robes. 

Lily wanted to shrink back. Yes, Severus’ humiliation was awful, but his resorting to drawing blood was a really terrible move. How could he? 

Would he not hesitate to turn his wand upon her, too, should she cross him? 

Lost in her thoughts, the next time Lily snapped back to reality, Potter was utterly unbothered by the injury on the side of his face growing more gruesome by the second, his eyes trained on Severus, hanging upside down, his robes tumbling down his body due to gravity. 

How would it be like if she saw Potter defending her from Severus just like that? 

Lily was slapped with guilt the moment she felt herself fighting off a smile. 

“Let him down!” She demanded, voice practically screeching. 

“Certainly.” With a lazy flick of Potter’s wand, Severus fell into a crumpled heap, headfirst into the soil. Severus tried his best to regain his balance in preparation to hex the pair back, but a protective “Petrificus Totalus!” from Sirius to defend Potter had Severus keel over again instantly, immobilized. 

Her blood was going to boil itself into a gaseous state at this rate. “Leave. Him. Alone!” She whipped out her wand, still deciding who should be the next Mulciber after Mary exacted her revenge, when Potter tried to placate her. 

“Evans, please, don’t make me hex you,” He spoke, lips pouting in a terrible attempt to win her over. 

She’s resisted him for years now, and he has the audacity to think a pouty face would convince her? 

Lily had never felt so offended. “Take the curse off him, then!” 

One deep sigh of reluctance from Potter later, Severus was released. Lily started to make her way to Severus, hating the way he’s struggling to his feet, wanting to publicly state her side of their rivalry, when she heard that infuriating git open his mouth again. 

“There you go, you’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-”

“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”

Lily stopped dead in her tracks. Her mind was filled with a buzzing white noise. “Fine,” she heard herself distantly utter. “I won’t bother in future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.” 

Potter’s furious roar commanding Severus to apologize snapped her back to the present, and Lily had never felt so grateful to grab onto her rage at Potter in lieu of her explosion of emotions. 

“I don’t want you to make him apologize,” Lily retorted, desperately needing to end this to find a quiet place, to cry, to laugh at her idiocy, to do something. “You’re as bad as he is!” 

She held onto Potter’s protest as a reminder that he was way too arrogant to get attached to, and that she couldn’t trust anyone anymore. 

She called him out, trying to strike him where it would hurt his ego, adding in digs where she could to watch that face of his struggle to hide the growing hurt. 

And when she was done, she turned in her heel and hurried away, briskly walking aimlessly, the only goal in mind was to get as far away as she could, barely registering Potter calling her. 

From Potter. 

From Sirius, who didn’t say anything, even if he was in shock. 

From Peter, who she always treated well enough, and who always treated her well as well. Well. Up until today. 

From Remus, who was undoubtedly nearby and witnessed the whole thing, but never came to defend his friend the way she’s tirelessly done so for him for ages. 

Defending him from—

Lily couldn’t care less about where she was now. Knees buckling under her, she collapsed into a kneeling position, unable to hide the loud sob that left her, her face hidden by her red strands that glinted in the cheerful sunlight, an utter contrast to her feelings. 

He called her a… 

Foolish one, Lily Evans. 

She should’ve heeded warnings from her friends sooner. 

Look at me now, will I ever learn? 

Severus really did throw her under a bus the moment his pride was wounded and he needed an outlet. 

Was she really worth that much to him, then? Her oldest friend, seeing her as nothing but chattel, fussed over when needed, tossed aside when unrequired. 

She knew he had already started heading over to the dark side, but she hadn’t realized how far he had strayed from the path they both started together. 

She stopped him from committing crimes against muggleborns when she was around him, but how could she guarantee his innocence when she wasn’t around to monitor him? 

Helpless tears slid down her cheeks as she heaved trembling breaths, shoulders shaking as she wept her weight’s worth in tears, her echoing wails ringing in her ears. 

It wasn’t just about Severus, as deep as his words struck her. It was the marauders, how she cared for each and every one of them except a certain bespectacled dimwit, yet none of them came to her rescue when she needed it. 

Not to turn against their own friends, of course, but a simple deflection or neutrality, deflating the tense atmosphere, would have been welcomed. 

She wasn’t certain how long she cried for. Seconds, minutes, or hours. All she knew was, sometime during her breakdown, light hands soothingly ran over her shoulders, down her arms, before gently rubbing small circles into her back. 

She hiccuped, rubbing at her undoubtedly puffy red eyes, choked whimpers falling from her lips as she gasped for air in intervals. 

“Breathe, Red. Breathe.” Sirius’ urgent voice murmured behind her, concern evident as he increased the pressure at her back. 

Time flew by as she took her time regaining her composure, completely fatigued from the time she spent bawling her eyes out. 

“Red, look, I’m sorry about just now, I should’ve defended you too, what Sni- Snape did was really wrong,” Sirius started, wrapping his arms around her when Lily slumped backwards into him, her back seeking from his chest for warmth and comfort, closing her eyes in exhaustion. 

She didn’t want to speak about what happened recently, so she wrecked her head for a conversation topic, or any question she had for Sirius, or the marauders. 

“What happened with Sev earlier on?” 

“Hm?” 

“When I asked Potter what Severus did just now, something about his face suggested it was… really bad.” Lily strained her mind, trying to recall any bits or pieces she had heard from the rumor mill. 

She felt his arms tense. “It was… something else. Snape came and called James the usual things, insulting our house and whatnot, and then he turned and started hissing jibes at Remus. Something he said to Remus, though, made him really pale, and before we managed to chase him off, he turned ‘round and told James…” He trailed off, uncertain how to string his next words together. 

Lily waited. Even though their friendship mostly consisted of loud insults and contests of wits, there were moments when it was like this — patiently waiting while the other searched for words, tranquil silence blanketing them in comfort. 

“It was really bad, Red. He told James… He told James a girl like you would never go for a guy with skin as dark as his, and even if you did, you’ll just be using him for his money. James may look unsubdued, but he’s dealing with a lot of issues, and Snape had struck a few chords. Said a few things about me and Peter, too, but it didn’t hurt as bad as Remus’ and James’s.” 

The unresolved tension running in his arms said otherwise. 

Lily knew when to pursue certain topics Sirius acted like he wanted to avoid, and when not to. This time it’s under the category of the latter, which tipped her off that what Severus said was really awful. 

Was this what heartbreak felt like? Trust in someone, and have them prove your worst fear to you? 

I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when… 

Her eyelids were drooping again, crying having taken its toll on her. 

“Hey, Red—” Sirius gently shook her awake, his breath blowing across locks of her hair. “Stay with me, alright? We’ll get to the dorm, where you can sleep this off.” 

Wasn’t there something else she wanted to bring up to Sirius? She couldn’t quite remember… 

She barely remembered the walk back to the castle, the climb up the stairs, and she was pretty certain at some point, Sirius was practically carrying her weight as he climbed through the portrait. 

She vaguely remembered the way Sirius reached for his wand and with a flick of his wrist, summoned his patrons, a glowing blue dog, his head tilted as his owner gave him an order to find Mary, Marlene, or Dorcas and ask them to come down for Lily. 

The sound of a door being slammed open, and Dorcas and Mary practically flew down the stairs in their haste to reach them. “Lily! Sirius, we owe you so much,” Mary gasped, taking over Sirius’ job to hold Lily up, letting her lean her head onto her shoulder. 

“It’s nothing, Lily’s a friend, besides, I owe her after what I’ve put her through,” She heard him say sheepishly. 

“We know. You told us how you stepped aside and let her handle the oncoming slaughter on her own while the rest of us couldn’t come to her aid because we were in a fight.” Lily didn’t need to raise her head to know that Dorcas was sending Sirius her signature stink eye, one that could make anyone wither with shame. 

“Feel better soon, Red,” he mumbled, and Lily felt herself nodding slightly in thanks. 

As the girls made their slow progress coaxing Lily up the stairs and into the dorm, Lily recalled Dorcas’s words. “What do you mean, you got into a fight?” Alarm cleared the drowsy haze in her head as she raised her head, more awake than she had been. 

“The Slytherins, of course. Rowle, Crabbe, Goyle, Lestrange, just to name a few,” Dorcas muttered, wrinkling her nose in distaste. 

“As for why we got into a fight, it depends. We haven’t quite figured out if they were prejudiced against blacks, queers, girls, or blood statuses that aren’t Pureblooded today.” Mary sniffed. 

“Probably all of them,” Dorcas replied as she pushed the door open, revealing a frantic Marlene who tackled Lily into a hug. “Black came along a few hours ago, saying something about you interrupting a fight between Snape and James, when Snape called you a—” 

She choked into a gasp when Lily bitterly nodded, feeling like an imbecile for ever believing that Severus would never harm her. 

“Sleep, now,” Marlene decided, finally catching sight of her puffy eyes, steering Lily into the comfort of the nearest bed, tucking her in. “We can talk more in a few hours after you’ve gotten rest.” 

With her friends in a protective circle, in the comfort of her dorm, Lily retracted her statement. She may not be able to trust anyone else, but these three girls who have been by her side since first year, through thick and thin, are the people she could always count on without fail. 

Chapter Text

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

“I'm sorry.” 

“I'm not interested.” Lily felt her heart freeze over, certain her feelings towards him were written all over her face clearly. It couldn't be more obvious if she tried. 

“I'm sorry!” A plea. 

“Save your breath.” 

She folded her arms, her dressing gown swishing over her knees, its original blue color now gray in the moonlight. 

The moonlight did nothing to dull Severus's look of anguish and guilt, though. 

She leaned against the frame of the portrait of the Fat Lady, at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower. Despite the late hour, she wasn't tired at all, having rested all evening when she was sleeping off the overwhelming emotions of that day. 

When she woke up, she had a long time to reflect on her thoughts and sort out her feelings in the company of her friends, all willing to lend a helping hand. 

“I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”

Mary stomped back into the dorm a few minutes ago, angrily relaying Severus's message to Lily because he was making a ruckus scaring the first and second years, coupled with the threat to sleep outside. 

To placate Severus and to talk to him about her intentions, Lily complied with his demands and left the warmth of her dorm, stepping out to speak to him. 

When it came to Severus, she had not mastered the indifference she wanted to feel for him, but she had most definitely cared less for him than she used to, but she still decided to treat him as one would a stranger. 

Which included not wanting him to sleep outside on the cold, hard stone floor. 

“I was. I would have done so. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just— ”

“Slipped out?” There was no pity in her heart to spare Severus. “It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little pureblood-is-superior friends—you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join in and torture muggleborns, can you?”

Severus opened his mouth, presumably to defend himself from the onslaught of Lily's words, sharpened to hit the truth, yet couldn't find anything to counter her argument. 

“I can’t pretend anymore,” Lily continued, pretending the sting of his inaction didn't make her internally flinch. “You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”

“No—listen, I didn’t mean— ” He was desperate now, she could tell, tonight's meeting with an agenda to apologize and reconcile with her going completely wrong. 

It was following Lily's agenda instead. 

“— to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?” she raised her eyebrows at him, revealing the resolve in her eyes, daring him to reply. 

He struggled on the verge of speech, still searching for a point to fight her, but with one last contemptuous look at him, Lily turned and climbed back through the portrait hole, officially closing the story of them. 

She just wished she didn't feel the temptation to turn back when Severus called her name. 

She knew she was making progress, though. 

So, with a final caressing on the book cover that hosted the story of Lily Evans and Severus Snape, she let go, feeling bittersweetness, freedom, and sadness overtaking her. 

Long story short, I survived. 

『••✎••』

She entered the Gryffindor common room, surprised to find Peter facing the fireplace on his own, furiously scribbling away with his quill on his parchment, books and notes spread out around him. 

It was getting rather late, and students were gradually trickling out of the common room and into the dorms, something the boys usually would've done at this hour. 

She started to head for the direction of the stairs, intending to go back to her bed. 

“Lily…” She heard Peter start, uncertain how to continue. 

She paused, giving Peter a chance to speak, changing her direction to sit next to him in the glow of the fireplace instead, adjusting the unneeded notes and transfiguration textbook into a more organized pile. 

“I'm sorry I didn't stand up and help you,” He whispered, eyes on the hypnotizing flames dancing within the boundary of the fireplace, his revision on transfiguration forgotten. “I have always disliked Snape, especially after what he did, yes, but you deserved better than what he said. Your worth isn't decided by your blood status, I hope you know that.” 

Lily did still hold a grudge against all the marauders since it was the first day and only one of them apologized, sure, but to be fair, she hadn't given them much of a chance for them to reach out, and Peter staying up and seizing his chance at the first opportunity to apologize to her was pleasant. 

She supposed she was going to let Peter off the hook, then. “And are you sorry for letting Potter treat Severus that way?” 

“No,” He spat vehemently, a twist from how vulnerable he was less than a minute ago. “You should’ve heard what he said to James, it was horrid, I'm surprised James haven't murdered him yet, I wouldn't even stop him if he did–” 

He cut himself off abruptly. “Sorry, I don't know how your friendship is with Snape right now, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like hearing about this.” 

Amongst all the marauders, Peter was always the first one to be sweet to her. “I've just ended everything with him right before I came back here.” 

He raised his eyebrows, impressed at her directness. “Like I said, you always did deserve more than him.” 

Lily gave a faint smile in return, suppressing the heaviness slowly building in her heart. 

She wasn’t going to completely get over her platonic breakup, but she was taking her first steps, and it was enough. 

“Besides, between Snape and James, you’ll probably do better with James,” Peter teased, his smug smirk on his boyish face making it just look adorable. 

“Oh please, Sev and I managed it for five years, I’d end up murdering Potter in less than one,” Lily scoffed, pulling a face when Peter doubled over laughing, the unspoken words hanging between them, glowing pride that she could joke about him. 

Peter picked up his quill, flipping through his textbook, squinting at the heavily annotated margins. “Yet he’s still here, after five years.” 

“Well, between you, Remus, and Sirius, it’s pretty easy to ignore him in favour of you all,” Lily replied, picking up a random roll of parchment that has been written on and skimming the words. “Well, it looks like you’ve gotten everything covered.” 

Peter bemoaned the uselessness of his studying, complaining that even if he took thorough notes, he could never thrive in exams. 

Lily wasn’t certain how long she spent on the company of her friend, patiently pointing out mistakes and mentoring him and laughing at his witty remarks — just because he wasn’t booksmart, it didn’t mean that he wasn’t streetsmart — feeling the splintered cracks of her soul being knitted by the smallest fraction with every passing hour. 

Chapter Text

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

Boarding the train on the first of September was difficult. 

It looked the same, with smoke billowing around heads of the crowds, chatter flooding his hearing, shouts echoing in his ears as parents rushed to hand over last minute items to students who were hanging out of train windows to grab it just before the roar of the engine gave its final warning before departure. 

It was the same, with him falling asleep earlier on in their usual compartment and waking up to find James, Sirius, and Peter grinning boisterously at him, leaving him to panic and wonder what was drawn on his face this time (a mustache, a Leo constellation, and whiskers), with Peter mischievously transporting James’s things a few inches away from its original place, delighting in his confusion, while Sirius watched on from his position next to Remus, his locks of dark hair pulled into a low bun, revealing inches of pale skin that, this time, went blissfully unbruised. 

Ever since Sirius ran away from the House of Black, Effie and Fleamont Potter adopted Sirius with welcoming arms without a second’s hesitation. Remus remembered how terrified he was for Sirius whenever the break was fast approaching, fearing for Sirius’s life and his abuse at the hands of his parents. 

One year, Sirius had stumbled in, slurring his words before collapsing, and the boys had discovered poorly glamoured cuts and welts covering practically every inch of him, most likely a result of his rebellion against his family and his family’s scorn of their heir. Remus remembered distantly viewing through a haze of fury, the first time James Potter was enraged to the point of considering murder, while Peter turned pale and offered to learn how to transfigure corpses into everyday objects after a heavy pause. 

He turned to face Remus, that lazy smirk on his face that Remus adored so much. “How was your break?” Even when everything was crashing down on Remus, he could never ignore the urge to check up on Sirius. 

“Better, considering how there was no one trying to hex me at every minor mistake I made, genuine or intentional. You?” 

I really, really missed your owl sending me letters that were lovingly penned by you. I missed all three of you sending letters that updated me on your lives, as a reminder that I was once included and beloved and remembered. I didn’t know something so small would bother me so much, despite the fact that I had to spend my break with a father that distanced himself so far from me he may as well be a stranger. 

“Decent, boring, the usual.” Remus lied through his teeth, ignoring how the craving in his heart shattered into tinier pieces, howling its loneliness to the unseen moon, begging for the return of its old company. 

“Boring? The talented, constantly busy Messer Moony, bored?” Sirius teased, his gray eyes twinkling with humour as he gazed at him. 

Remus learned in–

You erased his memories. 

He jerked back, acting as though he did not see the bemusement showing itself on Sirius's face, the abrupt thought the equivalent of a bucket of cold water splashed onto him. 

He had never been more aware of the locket hidden under his robes, the metal digging into his skin. 

“Apparently, babysitting all three of you takes more time than anyone would expect, due to your low intelligence.” He replied dryly, barely registering the world around him as his focus zoomed onto the painful reminder that he hexed them. 

He was struggling to keep afloat, acting like they were still best of friends while they weren’t, not as close as they used to be for the last five years. He would start to slip in werewolf jokes when the silence grew too loud, only to remember how the silence would reach such awkwardness levels in the first place. 

Towards the end of fifth year, Remus managed to use OWLs as an excuse to hide from the boys, claiming that he needed the peace to study better, slipping off to stew in his guilt with Lily. 

As for Lily… 

Merlin, he was a disgrace for simply being a bystander when the Snape thing happened. Hiding in the shadows, too consumed by his own remorse to stop his friends before it went too far. Too horrified and stunned by how Snape went back on his unspoken oath to protect Lily and turned on her the second he was humiliated and needed someone to vent his frustrations. 

He was letting down all his friends, bit by bit, and one day he would lose each and every one of them. 

『••✎••』

Stumbling through the portrait concealing the exit out of the Gryffindor tower, Lily ignored James Potter’s eager call of “Evans!” — once again attempting to attract her attention (not that she gave him a second of it — the audacity of him, even if he did fight to apologise for the incident regarding Severus — even if he was the only one who defended her in the first place) — slipping into the sea of students in the corridor outside, picking up her pace to reach the library with a single motive in mind. 

On the train ride to Hogwarts, Mary and Marlene reported their progress questioning Sirius and Potter about the month-long argument being mysteriously resolved overnight, outlining how something felt off when the boys claimed to know nothing about their latest dispute. 

“I’ve tried checking James for any sign that he was lying, but all the telltale signs weren’t there,” Marlene had mused, lifting her legs to rest them on the opposite bench, trying to piece together all the odd jigsaw pieces of information they were offered. 

“Even under the threat of ruining his face with permanent makeup, Sirius still wouldn’t yield, not telling me anything,” Mary coincided then, deep in thought as Dorcas patiently pinned her hair up with glittering clips she managed to get her hands on during the break, whose lips were pursed in concentration, listening to the discussion yet unable to contribute any ideas to keep them moving forward. 

Lily hummed, tapping her fingers along the windowsill in a rhythmic pattern, searching her head for ideas. “Maybe it’s my turn to confront a marauder this time. I’ve given Remus enough breathing room, anyway.” 

And so, here she was, precariously carrying her stack of books, passing through towering bookshelves and grand arches, darting between aisles and peering at tables, spying for a certain fluffy, brown haired boy with scarred skin, the general buzz of the crowd nothing but background noise to her while she strained to catch sight of her friend. 

“Oof!” In her haste to round a corner, she caught a glimpse of amber hued eyes looking down at her in surprise right before she crashed into a thick sweater. 

“Merlin, apologies— Lily! What’s got you in such a rush?” Remus grunted, an arm reaching around her waist to keep them both from tumbling onto the ground while his other hand held extra parchment, in the midst of tucking his work into his shoulder bag before she ran into him. “Looking for James?” 

“Brute.”

“Brat.”

“Uncultured.”

“Empty-headed.”

Lily had too much on her hands to properly flip Remus off, but she gave it her best shot and got a chuckle in return. “I was looking for you.” 

His eyebrows flew up, curiosity evident on his face. “Didn’t know I was worth the effort running through the entire library while balancing books so thick I can’t even fit them into my bag.” 

“You’re right, I’m here to steal your notes for this year, not for you.”

His protests fell on deaf ears as she attempted to dig through his bag before he pulled out of reach, the amusement clear in his eyes as he reached for the books she was still carrying, their laughter ringing in the air around them, the wordless offer to hold her books for her. 

As she handed over her books and they walked out of the library, headed for the classroom that was always empty until it was basically theirs, Lily waved at passing classmates and friends, ignoring the Slytherins who sneered at her then cowered at the glare Remus sent their way. 

She tugged at his shoulder bag, intending to help carry something of his if he was going to help him carry her books, but he shrugged it off and shot her a look, one that plainly stated his offense to her actions and that his mam had raised him to be a better gentleman than ask a lady to help him unnecessarily. 

“So,” Remus raised an eyebrow at her, cocking his head to the side as they entered the classroom, Lily closing the door and casting a few charms that would alert her to anybody lingering outside and one that prevented anyone with bad intentions from stopping by — a habit to usually guard her and her friends from the Slytherins — “I heard you wanted a word?” 

Lily surveyed him, internally debating on how to best approach her question. For a werewolf, he could behave extraordinarily like a cat — running away from situations when spooked, unimpressed stares when told what he wasn’t allowed to do (most things), and other things she had long lost count of. 

“What’s going on with the four of you?” 

If she wanted an honest, full answer to the odd situation she was witnessing, the only thing left for her is to take a shot in the dark and hope she would hit the jackpot. 

“Was it something outside of anyone's control that happened, yet the blame was put on Sirius? Like you forgiving him after he suffered particularly badly at his place?” She tested the waters cautiously, examining him when he shifted his feet, discomfort written all over his face. 

He didn't like her prying, but he was caught off guard enough that she could throw in a few more guesses if she was fast. 

“Okay… Not Sirius then. Potter? Did he decide to just side with Sirius after being tired of being set against him?” She threw in feebly, knowing deep in her heart that James Potter would rather resign from the Quidditch team than risk his friends in any way. 

But still, Remus didn't say anything, eyes set on her, unease all over him, yet she was not guessing accurately enough to get a big reaction from him. 

If it wasn't Sirius, nor Potter, it couldn't be… 

“I don't think Peter did anything… Did he? Did he discover some Dark magic and tried using it, messing with the heads of everyone?” 

His anxious shuffling slowed down, just slightly, but enough to tip her off that she was getting warmer to the true answer. The closer Remus came to not moving when she was voicing out her thoughts, the closer she was to the answer she desired from him. 

Faint alarm bells were ringing in the recesses of her mind, but the outline of the idea was so absurd and impossible that Lily set it aside, praying against all odds that her gut feeling, for once, was wrong. 

What was it in her most recent answer that reflected itself in the telltale signs of her friend? Peter, Dark magic, messing with the heads of… 

“Did Potter place a Confundus charm on everyone but you by accident or something? His charms skills sometimes can be careless…”

She did not want to know how she kept such a close eye on the one boy she swore to never take a liking to. 

Remus stopped shuffling, the only sign of movement visible was the fidgeting fingers tapping on the edge of the nearest table. His desperate eyes met hers, and she knew then that the only reason why he was not stopping her from guessing what was going on was because he needed someone else in on the secret. It was something bad. 

That did not bode well for Lily. 

If the mention of Potter being a culprit did nothing to him, and all the other marauders brought forth no reaction from Remus, yet the issues were all circulated between their group of friends… 

And the Confundus charm could not do anything detrimental, but with the boys’ genius mindsets, they could do something with equal devastation with a certain charm… 

She huffed in exasperation, throwing her hands up in the air, still unable to guess anything else but the most ridiculous idea she was willing to ignore. “Then I suppose you did?” She meant it as a joke, to lighten up the heavy atmosphere, intending to coax a smile onto his face. 

His fingers stilled. 

Fuck. 

She could feel her heartbeat pounding in her ears, her mouth suddenly dry as she pieced together the last of her suspicions. 

“Remus, tell me you didn't cast a Memory Spell on them.”

His eyes remained glued to the floor, stubbornly refusing to meet her stunned stare, although it was not difficult to see the floodgates in his eyes opening, revealing a torrent of despair and remorse. 

“Tell me,” She went on, voice shaking, “That you didn't Obliviate them, which included removing their memories which contained Sirius telling Severus that you were a werewolf.” 

His eyes snapped to hers, gaze instantly lifted off the floor. “How did you–” 

“Tell me.” 

He took a deep breath, and Lily could barely hear him with the speed he forced the sentence out. “I Obliviated them.” 

Lily felt like her breath had been punched out of her. She wanted to deny that her instincts were correct this once, that instead of Sirius or Peter or even Potter, it was Remus at fault. Remus, who has been her best friend since third year, one who would toy the line, his playful, pranking self hiding behind his respectful Prefect persona, yet would viciously reject the idea of crossing any humane boundaries. 

Remus, who learnt how to exercise incredible self control to keep everyone around him safe, and would rather die than cause anyone any legitimate harm. 

“You…Oh, Godric, you obliviated your best friends?” 

“Technically, it was a modified charm and an accident?” 

“Remus, that’s not helping with your case.” 

And watching him in the next few moments was like watching a dam break. His usually stoic face collapsed to disclose the sheen covered eyes, trembling lips, and a face that reflected a fusion of wretched anguish, shame and suffering. 

Of course. 

If he removed their memories, he basically distanced himself from his tightly knitted bonds of friendship. The guilt of erasing the memories of his friends was not the only thing weighing on him. Mingling with his friends, knowing they would never be as close and caring as they once were, Remus being nothing but an acquaintance to them, who were the world to him. 

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he broke down, finally cracking under the enormous duress. 

“I didn’t mean to, Lily, I swear, everything was just so loud, and I couldn’t— I couldn’t breathe— so I just hexed him— next thing I knew I realised the spell I used was the modified version of Obliviate—” Remus stammered, losing control over his words as he struggled to catch his breath. “I can’t breathe—”

Lily cursed, diving over and skidding to a stop as she rushed to Remus’ side, rubbing soothing circles on his back, muttering consoling phrases as he sat through his panic attack, hyperventilating shallow breaths without pausing for the next few minutes. 

“Breathe, Remus, you’re safe, you’re safe, just keep breathing,” Lily murmured, maximising physical contact between the two of them in an attempt to ground him to the present. 

Her horror was escalating, however, at the full story she now knew. What sort of mess did Remus get himself into? And it looks like it was the first time he’s had his severely overdue meltdown since it all started… 

She waited until he calmed down, processing her thoughts and discarding half hearted plans and ideas to move forward from this. Gradually, Remus’ sobs subsided into sniffles, so Lily gently broke into speech. 

“What are you going to do now?” 

He lifted his hand to wipe the tears off, the sight of it being something very few would ever have the chance to witness. Even until now, Lily was not completely certain all the marauders had seen him cry before. “What does it look like I'm going to do?” 

She shot him an incredulous look, even if his head was hung too low to notice it. “You cannot just decide to go back about your daily life like nothing ever happened.” 

“Watch me.” 

“No, Remus, wrong answer.” He was being delirious. Or maybe she was the one, for she probably hallucinated the whole thing in her dreams. Though she didn’t know which delusional person was in a figment of an imagination. Remus obliviated his friends, and intended to act as if nothing happened? 

Really loves to give himself nothing but pain and then believe that he deserves nothing more, that one. 

Remus was going to be the death of Lily when it comes to his self esteem and personal views on life.

『••✎••』

Remus snapped his head up and fixated his eyes on a specific corner of the classroom, certain that he heard something — the soft noise of shoes shuffling against the floorboards, the knock of a body part against the table, and the silence buzzing with something akin to anticipation and the feeling of holding one’s breath. 

“I know you’re there,” He said, heart sinking into a sea of dread as he confronted what hopefully was not part of his hallucination. He’s been caught. “Show yourselves.” 

He glimpsed something shimmery in the air as though it was a movement under a spell of invisibility — was that an amateur attempt at a Disillusionment charm? 

He barely heard Lily’s sharp intake of breath as he held a silent standoff with the mysterious presence, never once wavering in his confidence and maintaining his poker-faced stare. He was rewarded with a muttered curse, before Mary, Marlene and Dorcas revealed themselves, Mary’s wand still in mid air from releasing them from the spell. 

Lily let out a small shriek, jumping to her feet. “What are you all doing here? I thought you were supposed to be unpacking in the dorm!” 

“We did, but then we decided to hide in a classroom to practice some Silencing and Disillusionment charms in case we ever needed to sneak around, and…here we are.” 

Most people would misread Mary’s tone as sheepish, even apologetic, but Remus had spent too long around them to know that they did not have an inch of remorse in them, gazes all on Remus, minds fixed on the latest information Remus and Lily had unknowingly handed them. 

“You Obliviated the boys?” Dorcas’s horror in her voice matched the expression on her face. 

“Sirius betrayed your trust to Snape?” Mary was furious. 

“Is nobody going to stop by the fact that he’s a werewolf, which happens to be the root of this whole thing?” Marlene cut in, torn between aghast of stumbling upon the secret Remus only shared with a few people, and confusion that her friends had different priorities when confronted with the same situation as her. 

“I think the better question was why the three of you decided to eavesdrop on our conversation without making yourselves known the second you knew we were here,” Remus crossed his arms, trying to forget the humiliation of breaking down and crying in front of not only Lily, but three of her friends as well. 

“Remus, at the rate you were crying yourself into a panic attack — which, I’m not making fun of — if we had shown ourselves, it’s more likely your heart would’ve given out from all the stress.” Dorcas matched his position, crossing her arms in a mimicry with raised eyebrows. 

“This is the most confusing invasion of privacy I have ever been in,” Lily declared, throwing herself into the nearest seat and massaging her temples with a single hand. 

“I’d offer our heartfelt apologies, but I think it’s quite obvious that we wouldn’t be able to mean it,” Marlene shrugged. 

Mary’s lips twitched with amusement at Marlene’s words, but then it settled back into a frown as she redirected the group’s focus onto pressing matters. “At the very least, we’ll try showing our remorse with chocolates and supporting your decision — if you would be so kind as to rehash everything so we can properly give you our opinions on it.” 

I really wasn’t part of their shenanigans, I swear, but since they’re here, we may as well include them. 

Lily’s helpless eyes met Remus’ resigned ones, the silent conversation between them mutely discussing their next actions. 

I mean this in the most respectful way possible, but can they keep a proper secret? They have no qualms when it comes to spreading rumours because they were slighted. 

You’re a fool. We curated that reputation to keep an act — so when it comes to secrets that really matter, no one would ever suspect we’re guarding it with our entire souls. 

You’re sure? 

Unimpressed green almond eyes met wary amber ones. 

We’re females, Remus. 

Remus exhaled, wondering what he just signed up for. 

“What d’you want to know more about, then?” 

Chapter Text

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"Hey, Padfoot, I found these, they’re for you,” Remus tossed a pair of red heart-shaped glasses into Sirius’ lap, watching as he picked it up with delight, rushing to wear the glasses, squinting at Remus with nothing short of pure happiness. 

“How did you know I wanted these for ages? They’re just like I imagined! Muggles may not have magic, but they sure are geniuses,” Sirius pushed the glasses to sit upon his head, the glasses acting as a makeshift headband to push the hair back, making him look even better, somehow. 

“You’ve got a list of things you’re desperate for from the Muggle world hanging from the bedpost,” Remus replied, absentminded, too distracted by the way Sirius sent him a wink in thanks. “I just happened to find one when I was in Hogsmeade.”

“How did you know about my list? It isn't something one would spot at first glance.” 

Remus tensed. He had completely forgotten Sirius and he wasn't as close as they used to be, and he most probably should not have given him that on a regular day. Maybe it would have been more convincing to gift him something on special occasions. 

Those glasses, however, from the bold red colour to the accessory, screamed Sirius’s name so much he had to get it for him. 

“I've shared a dorm with you for five years now. One doesn't not pick up anything, especially things you fancy possessing — I just got lucky when I stumbled upon it.” 

It was a habit by then to get Sirius something he would definitely like and give it to him as soon as possible. Since Sirius has forgotten, would that seem creepy to him? Remus getting him something without any particular reason after seeing his wish list that was pinned in a corner where no one would accidentally find somehow? 

“You're blushing!” 

“I am not. It's merely a trick of the light, that's all.” 

“Aw, Moony, getting the hots for me?” 

You have no idea , Remus thought mournfully. “Please, like I would ever fall for someone like you.” 

“Hey! What's that supposed to mean? I am attractive, am I not? ” 

“Whatever you say, Padfoot.”

His patronising smile only makes Sirius’ protests louder. 

Meanwhile, across the Gryffindor common room, James was watching the duo’s exchange, silent and seemingly deep in his thoughts. 

“Marlene asked me something about them the other day,” He told Lily, who was originally sitting next to him with an air of reluctance. “What happened between them? What occurred so badly our friend group split into two sides, and Sirius was on the losing end?” 

Lily studied him out of the corner of her eyes, half surprised he managed to avoid stammering around her, which was a typical action whenever she was around him. 

After Remus had finally agreed to let the girls in on the whole situation, the girls had fought with him on what to do next, lost the verbal sparring match, and so decided to play along with his desires to act as normal. 

“But,” Mary persisted, still unwilling to fully surrender, “Would you not feel lonely, apart from having to hide all these?”

Remus had closed his eyes, resigned to his fate. “I can’t leave them either. It’s not an option.” 

“Well,” Marlene said brusquely. “That settles it, then. We’ll just have to join you more often.” 

A stunned silence had barely settled around the group before it was lifted up by Dorcas’ proud agreement and Mary’s enthusiastic reaction. Lily had to agree, too. Just because she didn’t like the fact that James Potter was an arrogant hothead, it does not mean that she would turn her back on Remus, especially when he needed it the most. 

“I’m in,” Lily sighed. Not like she had a chance nor a choice to reject that idea anyway. 

And so, the girls had sought out the boys more, sitting next to them for mealtimes and joining them in the common rooms, strengthening their bonds not just as a group, but as individuals as well. 

For instance, Peter had seemed delighted to find out that Mary had a penchant for wizarding chess. The two constantly tied whenever they found themselves on the other side of a chess board, and entirely unstoppable as a pair towards other chess opponents. 

Marlene and Sirius had fun braiding the other’s hair on a daily basis, leading to Dorcas and Marlene’s frequent banter topics to be about them both. (“Are my braiding styles not good enough? Does my lesbian girlfriend have to run off to a guy to have her hair braided?” “He’s queer, Cas. Besides, he has a knack for keeping my hair in an untangled braid — not that I don’t love you, but still!”)

James had been utterly delighted to find out that Lily was spending more time in his surroundings. Not that Lily cared. She was simply unimpressed and annoyed by his ramblings and the way his eyes would light up whenever she was around and—

Nevermind. 

James was still talking to himself, desperation clouding his hazel eyes as he tried to make sense of his confusion, looking at Lily like she was his sole hope, holding the answers to his questions. 

To be fair, she did, but if she handed over the keys to his inquiries, it would have defeated the purpose of Remus erasing their memories in the first place. 

You signed up for this. 

Lily thought she knew what she was signing up for when she agreed to stand by Remus with this, but she was not prepared for hazel puppy eyes directed at her, for once genuine and not fooling around, framed by tousled black hair. 

James Potter was many things, but he had never let his guard down enough to reveal his own turmoil. Lily hadn’t even considered that his sunshine persona was just a facade to mislead people. 

She was not ready for the surge of guilt rising in her. 

『••✎••』

The Wolf in Remus was in for a rude surprise when he expected to see his pack after his annual isolation for two months. 

He was back in the hut again, except this time, his only companions were the ghost of the wind stirring the dust that carpeted the splintered wooden floor and old dried blood that seeped into the uneven floor boards. 

When he woke the next morning, pain clung to him like an old friend, paralysed and too weak to move. He fought the pain for a long time before he managed to crack an eyelid open. 

Stars greeted his vision, flashes dotting his sight as he submitted to his nausea, inhaling as much air as he could without jostling his injuries too much. Even swallowing made his throat throb. How much did the Wolf howl last night? 

He took in his surroundings. Blood was splattered everywhere, from the puddle of blood pooling beneath him to faint streaks of dried blood smudged on the walls. If Remus turned his head and glanced at the window, he would have seen drops of blood sliding down the dusty, murky glass. He might have even caught sight of the blood dotting the ceilings. Some still had not dried, still glistening in whatever light that made it through the window. 

A faint pressure in his head had increased, rendering his senses dull. 

“Remus? Oh— oh! Remus!” 

The last thing Remus saw before oblivion came for him was Poppy Pomfrey on the verge of tears, one hand still outstretched from pushing the door open, staring at him in stark terror and panic. 

『••✎••』

Lily couldn’t remember the last time all four girls were conscious at the crack of dawn (apart from Marlene’s Quidditch practices), let alone wide awake and dashing down the corridors and narrowly avoiding running into corners in their haste to reach the infirmary as soon as possible. 

Marlene shoved open the door with no grace whatsoever, and Lily caught a wild eyed Pomfrey’s head snapping up to face them, before her eyes dropped to the vivid colour demanding attention at the edge of her sight. 

She heard gasps echoing all around the room, before distantly realising she was one of the contributors as well. Remus was… 

Blood. Blood everywhere. 

She dashed across the infirmary, thankful that there were no other visitors witnessing the terrifying amount of blood smudged on the floor and some of the furniture. “What happened?” 

Upon a closer examination, there were no serious open wounds that could have been responsible for the streaks of blood coating the floor, but there were freshly closed ones that formed gruelsome scars, adding to the patchwork of collection on his body. There were countless other tiny scars and nicks that were strewn about, oozing blood at a slow and steady pace. 

“An incident gone wrong, Ms Evans,” Pomfrey replied tersely, shooting the girls a wary look. “Now, may I ask why are the four of you here at sunrise when none of you appear to be suffering from an injury?” 

She hastily pulled up the sleeves of her robes, straightening her back from where she was bending over an unconscious Remus — lying atop linen white sheets which were stained red, the stain gradually growing larger at a steady rate — before deciding to ignore the girls in favour of continuing her healing of Remus. 

“We know Remus…has a furry little problem,” Mary cut in, too impatient to wait to know about Remus’s current condition. “What happened?” 

Madam Pomfrey’s head snapped up for the second time, eyeing the girls with more uncertainty than she did previously. “And how did you stumble upon that? For all you know, it could be a rumour spread by one of those who dislikes Remus.” Her cool, unruffled tone had an undercurrent of fluster, distress evident beneath the flimsy mask that barely concealed her true feelings. 

“Madam Pomfrey,” Lily started gently, “We know . We won’t tell the school. Remus is our friend, too.” 

The reminder that the friendships between Remus and the girls seemed to be the convincing point, coupled with the fact that they never had a public scandal in school about any misbehaviour. The fact that Lily was rather well respected and known for being a responsible Prefect probably did not hurt either. The tense lines on Madam Pomfrey’s stiff body disappeared, the taut muscles on her neck relaxing. 

It struck Lily that Madam Pomfrey must also be attached to Remus after seeing him on a monthly basis minimally since first year, and formed a bond that most students would not have gotten a chance to with Hogwarts’s residential healer. 

“Very well then— Miss Macdonald, you attended my healing course, did you not? Help me stitch up the small cuts while I’m preventing infection — mind the wand movement — Miss Evans, fetch me two blue glass bottles from the top drawer in my office. Miss Meadows…” 

Lily did not stick around to listen to other instructions. She turned tail and scurried into the office, hurriedly rifling through glassware, grabbing the bottle and rushing back into the infirmary. 

As Madam Pomfrey seized the bottles and swiftly poured one of its contents down Remus’s throat, Lily did not miss the way her eyes kept darting to the door, hurt and confusion tucked in the corner of her eyes, and the way she set out three chairs by his bedside when they were finished with patching him up, only to remain empty all morning. 

『••✎••』

“Hey, Prongs! Wormy! Ready to go? We’re going to be late for breakfast, and I was starving all night!” 

“If you were starving, Pads, you could’ve taken my cloak last night.” James huffed, scrambling to tie his shoelaces and letting out a squawk of indignance when they tangled themselves into knots, Peter shaking with laughter as he lowered his wand. 

“I was tired!” Sirius protested, bouncing on his heels, headed for Remus’s bed, before he yanked open the curtains. “Forgive me if I was too caught up in my beauty sleep to keep my eyes open—”

The pause from Sirius had the other boys looking up, following his confused gaze only to see Remus’s bed, blanket folded and pillowed neatly arranged, no sign of the boy anywhere. “Where’d he go?” 

James returned his glare to his shoes, muttering curses as he attempted to untie the mess on his shoes, before giving up, throwing his hands in the air and falling back onto Peter’s bed. “Remus was awfully moody last night, utterly silent and only giving terse one-worded replies…” 

“You don’t think anything happened to him, right?” Sirius asked, unable to keep his eyes off the tidy bed, the crisp sheets mocking the lack of its owner. “Usually, we don’t even see him out of bed until right before breakfast — he doesn’t even look like he slept in here last night…” 

James poked around the dorm, chanting “Accio Marauder’s map!” multiple times, sheepishly grinning when Sirius pointed at the forgotten wand laying on his bed, then still being mildly confused when no blank parchment came zooming towards their faces. 

Peter sighed, looking like he was going to burn something. “You idiots, recently Remus has been leaving earlier to go to breakfast. Maybe he's waiting at the Hall for us because he’s starving?” 

James perked up. “Wormtail, you genius. Whatever would we do without you?” 

“If I turned tail and became a spy against all of you, you’d be dead.” 

“Hey!” An offended look from Sirius. “I would never fall for your tricks.” 

 “Oh, sorry,” Peter corrected himself. “I’d use Sirius as a scapegoat and push the blame onto him.” 

They erupted into laughter as they left the dorm. 

“Have you seen how Evans and her friends are hanging out with us more and more recently?” James, never one to miss an opportunity to gush about his longtime crush. He was so delighted that the first time he saw Evans approach him this year, he had grinned at her so hard, he forgot to check which direction he was walking in and slammed into a pillar in the courtyard. 

Poppy Pomfrey had never been so confused when James tottered into the infirmary with a severe nosebleed, the dazed smile on his face so lovesick he tripped on a bedpost and crashed into the bedframe, resulting in a broken nose. 

“By the way she keeps giving you side eyes, mate, I’d reckon she’s still very much unimpressed by you.” It was quite the understatement. 

James shrugged, undaunted. “I'll keep trying, anyway,” He declared, refreshing his oath to catch Lily Evan's eye. 

“That’s how it works,” Peter approved, having recently been through a relationship with Emmeline Vance — it had ended up with a mutual breakup after they realised they had both lost interest. “That’s how you get the girl.” 

To their surprise, however, despite the plethora of students roaming about the Great Hall, there was no ridiculously tall boy with lanky limbs viciously attacking his food. What they did see, though, was four girls lethargically eating their breakfast, a solemn silence sitting heavily around them. 

The boys exchanged glances, the slightest bit of unease weaving through their relaxed atmosphere. 

“Even at this distance, it’s no difficulty to see where their foundations are the thickest,” Sirius whispered, his eyes trained on each girl’s face briefly before sliding to the next one. “I don’t think any of them slept a wink last night, judging by how many layers of makeup they applied.” 

Peter frowned, breaking away from their little group, hurriedly approaching the girls, the rest of the marauders behind him. “Mary!” He called. 

Her unfocused eyes blinked out of her reverie, turning around to face the oncoming boys. A hand reached up to run through her curls — it was let loose today with colourful clips that resided there — and an attempted smile quirked at her lips. “Why, morning, darling. What happened? Is there a first year that seems to have chess victories that rivals ours?” 

“To have someone who stands a decent chance of winning against us, Macdonald, it’s the day my Quidditch skills surpasses James’s,” Peter replied. “What’s with the sleepless night?” 

Lily’s head snapped up. “Who said anything about sleepless nights?” She asked, suspicious, completely dismissing James’s enthusiastic “Alright, Evans?”. 

“I did, my fair lady. To be fair, you look like you’ve been tossing and turning all night — all of you.” Sirius gave an exaggerated bow, indifferent to the gawkings and hushed whispers from the Great Hall whenever he was seen, giggles rising up from girls huddled about in circles murmuring. 

“Shove off, Black.” 

“You wish, Red.” 

“Worrying about friends in infirmaries all night and dashing to be by their side first thing in the morning is so exhausting ,” Dorcas bemoaned, in agreement to Marlene’s mutterings about how even James Potter’s biweekly Quidditch training sessions were not as tiring. 

“Which friends?” James inquired, not understanding why he suddenly felt so cautious. 

“Remus,” Lily answered while absentmindedly tucking a lock of red hair behind her ear, too out of sorts to realise that she replied to James Potter and the fact that she just told him Remus was in the infirmary. It took a few seconds before her head caught up with her body, freezing up as soon as she realised. “Wait, no—”

It was too late. Before any of the girls could think of their next step, the boys had already ran out of the Hall, headed in the direction of the infirmary. 

Chapter Text

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

“Feeling better, Remus?” Poppy Pomfrey handed him a glass of water, anxiously peering over at him and checking his vitals from statistics, all casted by her wand. 

Remus nodded, unsure of how to explain to her that he knew the real reason why she was still here, accompanying him and not resting in her office. He was pretty sure she hadn’t even started on her breakfast, too. So did he, but post-full moons tended to put him off food. 

Even when the girls were here, no one missed the way she refused to put away the three empty chairs at the side of Remus’ bed, which had been empty up until now. He hasn't had the heart to tell him that she would never need to expect them at his side anymore. 

Shortly after Remus had awoken, the girls had set out to leave for breakfast, Lily giving him a worried glance, flickering to Madam Pomfrey, a hint of guilt in her gaze. 

Remus empathized with her. 

If he asked her outright, Poppy Pomfrey would deny it, but the truth was barely concealed from all those who sought for it. Madam Pomfrey was hurt and confused as to why the three troublemakers missed their monthly visit to the infirmary, and wanted to comfort Remus in the form of her presence, staying by his side for far longer than she usually would. 

“Stop moving around so much, it’s not good for your wounds, they’ve had barely any time to recover—” She fussed, tugging and smoothing invisible wrinkles on the sheets, and yanked at the sheets until they covered Remus up to just below his eyes. 

He blinked at her in mock annoyance, and the sight of him must have been comical, because for the first time that day, Madam Pomfrey cracked a wan smile. She opened her mouth to speak — probably to fret over him again — when they heard the door burst open for the second time that day. 

“Poppy! What happened to Remus? We just heard—” Remus couldn’t see anything due the the heavy curtains that hid him out of sight, but the sounds of three bodies falling over each other — and onto each other, judging by the muffled cursing and yelps (James, probably, since he was most likely the first one to open the door) — was unmistakable. 

Poppy Pomfrey drew back the curtains just wide enough to slip out, too quick for the Remus to peek out of the curtain, which meant that none of the marauders could actually see what — or who — was in the bed, but it didn’t take a genius to glance around the room and notice that there was no one else in there, and the only person guaranteed to be in the infirmary was the one they came for. But not before Remus caught sight of her eyes hardening in anger and the way her shoulders stiffened in outrage. 

Don’t tell them of my condition, don’t give them too many details, please, please please— 

Remus has never believed in religion, but in that moment, he had never started praying so hard to any deity he could think of off the top of his head in his life. He pleaded with all his heart that Poppy Pomfrey was not going to reveal anything that would result in the boys figuring out anything. 

“Out! Out! You are disturbing my patient!” 

Why was she so furious? He could hear the extra contempt in her tone, which was dripping with scorn. Remus knew she tended to act rather grumpy with the marauders around. Even if it was usually an act, this time felt genuine, as though she was actually filled with disdain at the sight of them. 

“But—” 

“Poppy—”

“Do not interrupt me with your protests, Mr Black, Mr Potter. My patient needs rest , and if you are not going to abide by my rules or try your luck sometime before classes start, for example, you can see yourself out .” 

Oh. 

Oh. 

She was indignant on his behalf. 

“Madam Pomfrey, we just heard about Remus’ injury and got here as fast as we could—” Peter, second to only Remus when it comes to being on good terms with any adult or staff member of Hogwarts, tried to placate her by pleading. Remus almost felt bad for the boys. This time, ignorance was not bliss. 

She was not happy that Remus’ friends had failed to visit him on his monthly trips to the infirmary. That, and coupled with the fact that she thought he would need them the most after his sudden surge in injuries, she probably was extremely upset for Remus. 

Warmth enveloped him like a mother’s hand wrapping him in a comforting blanket. 

“ Silence , Mr Pettigrew. Now, get out ! I don’t ever want to see you in here again!” Poppy Pomfrey’s cold tone and curt words starkly contrasted with her attitude towards the boys, all scathing fire soughting to incinerate the boys with the heat of her fury and hurt, hoping they would feel the burn of shame. 

He heard his name being called a couple of times, but he remained silent, instead choosing to listen hard to follow the situation that’s out of sight. After a few more moments of his name being continuously called, the voices died down, volume reduced to softer tones. 

Typically, the marauders would laugh at the idea of taking orders from authorities, but Remus could imagine how Madam Pomfrey glowered at the boys, perhaps a few seconds away from hexing them just to shoo them out of the infirmary, and he knew that the boys would concede defeat. 

Sure enough, he heard the shuffling of feet, resignation and hesitance surrounding the boys, evident even from the distance. Most likely hoping either Madam Pomfrey or Remus would call them back, but the only thing that called for them were the bells signaling the start of lessons. 

His lack of actions represented his lack of feeling in his heart, the emptiness a mere cover for his guilt. He was simultaneously drowning in a sea of guilt and thrown into a blank space of empty feeling, struggling to breathe in salvation for his sins and staring at his muted surroundings, utterly numb. He was tumbling in all directions by the currents of despair with no way up to breathe relief one moment, and the next, vacant, blinking eyes the only proof that he was still living. 

“You didn’t have to kick them out so harshly, you know,” Remus only spoke once the door clicked close. 

Madam Pomfrey poked her head in, sniffing with indignance. “I kick all unwanted visitors out of my infirmary with the same amount of vigor.” 

The hand wrapping him in the blanket belonged to a sleeve of a robe a certain med-witch wore. 

He gave her a knowing smile, and despite the tight coils of misery wrapped around his insides, appreciation and gratitude flared through. 

“I’ll be out with Minerva for lunch later on,” Pomfrey said after a pause. “So I wouldn’t be here. I’ll get you those chocolate frogs you like so much.” A tender smile, and she disappeared behind the curtains. 

Remus called out his thanks, sounding rather choked, but they both knew it wasn’t just for the chocolates. Madam Pomfrey may be too irritated to see the marauders, but she wasn’t blind to the way Remus yearned to see them. Going to Hogsmeade with her wife for lunch and then to get chocolates was just an excuse to pretend she wouldn’t know the boys would sneak in afterwards. 

A hand from a sleeve belonging to a med-witch’s robes wrapping him in his blanket of warmth were gone, replaced by an affectionate pair of eyes beamed at him fondly, similar to how Madam Pomfrey’s eyes were once, when she intuitively answered to an accidental “Mom?” when Remus absentmindedly called for her. 

『••✎••』

Remus regretted not persuading either of the girls nor Madam Pomfrey to hand him anything to pass the time. 

He could be reading, or practicing spells, or doing his homework… Instead, his lack of thinking led him to laze around in the infirmary, hands empty with nothing to accompany him. 

Don't get him wrong, he really enjoyed the quiet when Madame Pomfrey left for lunch, but he felt restless without anything to focus on. His eyes slid to where his fingers were toying with a loose thread from the sheets, occasionally tugging on it harder to have a bit more thread to twine around his fingers. 

Lying on bed, he examined the redness and felt the stiffness of his finger when he wrapped the thread too tightly in his hand, merely staying quiet when the beginnings of pain started to form. 

He had read somewhere that doing this for long periods of time could cut his blood circulation for good. If Remus could coax more threads loose to wind around his finger without mercy, his finger may as well be amputated. 

That’s all he experiences these days. 

Between the guilt of taking his best mates’ memories, the wretchedness of seeing them everyday and acting as though nothing was wrong, and the anguish of knowing how he distanced himself from their circle of friendship, each was a thread that slowly secured itself around his throat, more and more taut with every passing day. 

Sometimes, the threads were blunt and thick, meant to leave nothing but temporary, agonising imprints. Sometimes, the threads were thin and sharp, its edges rivaling a knife’s, digging into his throat. Distantly, Remus wondered how much longer it would take before the threads permanently cut his airways, or draw blood from arteries that would be fatal. 

He wondered if he would even try to stop the process or change the ending. 

A footsteps outside the door brought Remus out of his reverie, tense and on guard. Madam Pomfrey only left around fifteen minutes ago, there was no way she would not take her time to roam Hogsmeade with her wife at their leisure. Is it possible that it’s an injured student, looking to be healed under Madam Pomfrey’s skilled hands? If it was a student, then he would have to invent a fib to make his situation seem believable. 

Maybe Madam Pomfrey just forgot something and had to head back. 

Or the girls? But lessons were still going on, and even if they were willing to cover Remus’s secret, they still abided by rules. The day Lily Evans willingly goes out of her way to do something illegal, would be the day she finally gives in to James. 

He detected three different heartbeats as they slipped in, the owners panting loudly. 

“Damn it, Prongs, can you stop hovering over my head like some bird? Is this another prank on me or something?” A familiar voice complained. 

“S’not my fault you’re always shorter and therefore run slower, mate,” James replied. “Is Poppy still in here?” 

“No,” a third voice answered. The one voice that would always make Remus’s heart stop for a second. “I saw her leave maybe twenty minutes ago, and it’s lunchtime, so she most likely would eat first before returning.” 

“Wouldn’t she come back with her lunch? She’s in an infirmary, after all, you never know when someone may be in a life threatening situation that requires medical attention,” The first voice, which Remus now recognised as Peter, mused. Peter always was the most logical one, constantly fretting over other factors that could potentially get them into trouble. 

It was now lunch? Huh. Remus did not register the chime of the bell in the infirmary for every hour that had passed. 

“Minnie was headed in the same direction when class ended — they’re probably on a lunch date.” James answered, sounding louder and louder with every second. Remus barely had the mind to close his eyes and feign his unconsciousness before the footsteps outside his curtain stopped briefly, and he heard the curtain being yanked aside. 

Silence. 

“Remus…?” 

Belatedly, he finally recalled his injuries were going to be scarred, and while the worst ones were hidden under heavily wrapped bandages, the more mediocre ones — by his standard — may be alarming to those who aren’t used to seeing scars. Which the boys definitely aren’t, due to the memories currently tucked in the locket under Remus’s mattress in the dormitory. 

“He’s asleep — shall we leave first and return when he’s awake or—?” James’s uncertain and hushed whisper broke the silence at last. 

“I’m staying.” Sirius’s tone brokered no arguments. 

“If Sirius is staying, then I am too,” Peter followed easily, like it did not take him much thought. 

Remus heard Sirius plopping down onto a chair nearby, and no other movement, all intent on deciding to wait for him to awaken. 

“What happened to him anyway? The scars, the night spent here, the girls knowing but not us? Why weren’t we made aware?” Sirius pondered out loud, and from his movements and voice, Remus gauged that Sirius was probably by his bedside, chair next to his head. 

“It might be a secret he didn’t want us to know…” Peter began, but even with his theories, the hurt that they were left out was evident. The right corner where the mattress ended dipped in slightly, just enough to tip Remus off that Peter sat at the edge of the bed. 

“How’d he even get those scars?” James finally spoke up, also from the foot of the bed, nothing but motherly concern in him. 

“I think they’re admirable and cool,” was Sirius’s only reply. 

Of course , Remus realised. Back in their second year, he had accidentally walked in on Sirius changing his clothes, revealing countless scars decorating his body as well. In exchange to soothe Sirius, Remus showed him his own scars as well. Knowing that he wasn’t the only one with permanent reminders of trauma and fear had comforted him then, just as it has undoubtedly comforted him now. 

A rather somber atmosphere seemed to have befallen their corner of the infirmary, and though Remus has always enjoyed the tranquility of silence, this sort of quiet was the kind that he had always despised. It reminded him of the pitiful faces aimed at him at St. Mungo’s as though holding a memorial for the end of his life before it has even begun, back when his parents were still searching for the slightest chance of a cure, bringing him to every known medical center to keep a nonexistent hope alive. 

Desperate to do anything to avoid the silence, even disregarding all logical thoughts as to why it was a bad idea, Remus let his eyes flicker open, pretending to be conscious after a deep slumber. 

The first thing he saw was a pair of gray eyes, lined with eyeliner, peering at him with worry, hurt, and an emotion Remus did not want to read into. 

I miss you like it was the very first night. 

Can he sense how badly Remus had craved his company these few weeks? 

“Remus!” 

“Oh, Godric, he’s awake!” 

“Why didn’t you tell us about this?” 

He barely succeeded in prying his eyes away from the hypnotizing whirl of gray, instead choosing to face James and Peter. When he did, he regretted his decision. James was perched on the tip of the bed frame, Peter sitting below him, and both had fixated on him with injured looks. 

The hurt radiating from the boys were compressed into another thread, this one stronger than a wire, more deadly than a garrote. If their voices alone formed the ghost of the thread, then the sight of their fallen faces and wounded glances solidified that, digging into his throat.

“I didn’t think you’d have cared,” Remus lied, staring at his linen sheets, knowing the boys would have wanted to know that he was sick at the least, as his dorm mates. Any more than that, and he knew he would be lying to himself. 

“Didn’t think we’d have cared? Remus, no matter what, you’re still our friend and dorm mate of four years, we’ve had our fair share of shared laughs and happy memories, and you think we still wouldn’t have cared?” An outburst from James, and Remus knew he had gone too far with careless words. 

“Besides, you’re hurt! Not just a minor headache or food poisoning, but so sick you had to spend the night at the infirmary, and we didn’t know a single thing about it until the next morning! Even until now, you’re pale and gaunt, Remus. Next time you’re ill, I wouldn’t hesitate to force food down your throat until you’ve recovered! Don’t ever think we wouldn’t care at all, you hear me?” 

And Remus was a fool for even assuming that mothering James would ever forget about him, even with his memories modified. 

It took everything in him to keep his eyes free of tears. 

Instead of another thread, it was a pair of scissors that hovered near his throat this time, and Remus didn’t know if the scissors were going to snip his strangling threads free, or use his throat as a target. 

As the pent up frustration from stewing over his confusion all through morning were expelled from James through shouting, he deflated, while Sirius mutely handed Remus a glass of water he conjured using his wand, his touch lingering on Remus’s fingers even after he moved his hand away to knock back the glass of water. 

My hands are shaking from holding back from you. 

“I’m fine, lads, really, I just broke into a bad fever overnight and came here during the evening yesterday when I felt nauseous.” Remus fabricated his lie in the spot, gulping  water as a cover to hide the lump in his throat that prevented him from speaking. 

“And you couldn’t tell us or had us help you to the infirmary?” Peter cut in. 

Remus forced himself to shake his head with conviction. “None of you were with me then.” 

“But that’s still not fair! You should’ve told us.” Sirius said, the faintest bite in his words. 

We could call it even, you know. You could call me babe for the weekend; I promise you, the pain I’d receive from that would be tenfold than how you’re feeling right now. 

Remus was saved from replying when the infirmary door creaked open to reveal Lily and a tray full of food hovering behind her. “Remus, I brought you lunch,” she called softly, as though she had sensed the tension in the room. She nodded in acknowledgement to the greetings from the other boys. So upset was James with Remus that he even stopped fooling around her, simply joining in to call a simple greeting. 

“Shouldn’t you be eating lunch at the Hall now?” Lily asked calmly, attempting to diffuse the tense atmosphere by separating the boys. “Lunch ends in half an hour; and I know for a fact that you boys always enjoy eating plenty or you’d end up grumpy all afternoon.” 

“Aw, Lily, keeping an eye on us? Or just anyone in particular?” Peter joked, trying for humour. 

She grinned back. “Maybe I’m just distracting you so that I’ll be able to ask Remus for more notes to surpass all of you academically.” 

“All lies, Red, you’ve been trying and failing to beat me in History of Magic for four years now,” Sirius chimed in. 

James was still rather upset to say anything, though he ran a hand over his hair and winked at Lily, which she proceeded to ignore. 

“Out,” she ordered. “Let the poor lad eat his lunch in peace.”

“What about you, Red?” Sirius persevered. 

“I’ll leave when he finishes his lunch so I can take the tray back. Now, go eat your lunch. All of you skipped breakfast this morning in your haste to get to the infirmary, and it’s not healthy to skip lunch as well. Go,” Lily commanded. 

Remus watched as the boys one by one reluctantly stood up and trudged out of the infirmary. 

Although this was not the first time he went through the full moon without animagus help, he still probably had to spend days to recover — the first few times, though, the Wolf had knocked himself fully unconscious for most of the full moon. 

Madam Pomfrey nearly had a heart attack while ensuring he did not sustain any severe or permanent head damage. 

『••✎••』

While Remus and Lily were left in the infirmary, the three boys sulked their way to the Great Hall. Lily was right, skipping breakfast for three growing boys had its costs. They were starving, but they would skip lunch as well willingly to spend time with Remus had Lily not intervened. 

“Remus is a terrible liar,” Peter declared instantly. “He had fresh scars and the only lie he could give was a fever ?” 

“He had fresh scars?” Sirius asked, puzzled. He had been too distracted with Remus’s face. When Remus woke, Sirius had been ensnared in a pool of warm honey, framed by brown locks. 

“He might be really clumsy,” James suggested, unaware of where Sirius’s mind went. “Remember all the times he spilled tea on his parchments and paperworks?” 

“Remus couldn’t have my family situation…right?” Sirius furrowed his brows. 

“Nope,” Peter shot down that suggestion instantly. “I know domestic abuse may not always be obvious, but I don’t get the feeling that he was abused by his parents at home.” 

“Huh.”

“Fair enough.”

“Besides, I don’t know the answer, but your theories are so wild they’re practically guaranteed to be always wrong.” 

“Hey!” 

“Wormtail!”

『••✎••』

A few days later, Remus was holed up in his dorm, busy scribbling away at his parchment to catch up on all the work he missed while he was lying in the infirmary. 

After Potions, there’s still Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, Ancient Runes…

“Remus!”

“Yes, Padfoot?” He replied absentmindedly, eyes on the parchment as his quill practically flew across it, leaving a messy string of inky letters and words in its wake, muttering a curse when the ink splattered on his pristine white sheets again. He went back to focusing on his writing.

“ Tergeo !” Out of the corner of his eye, a wand tapped against the blotch of ink in his bedsheets, siphoning the liquid out. “Thanks,” Remus murmured. 

“If you want to thank me, then just take a break from your writing for a bloody second.” A wand was under his chin, and it pressed up against him relentlessly. 

Still unwilling to keep his eyes off the parchment, but grumbling his unhappiness as he complied with the wand to look up, his heart leapt into his mouth when he found Sirius’s face a few inches away, a quirk in the corner of his lips and amusement in his silvery gray eyes. 

“Take a break, for Godric’s sake,” Sirius coaxed, waving a pumpkin pasty with his other hand at him. 

Remus sighed in annoyance, the only way to hide how much he wanted to blush when his head finally caught up with the fact on how Sirius got his attention. “Sirius, I did nothing but laze around in bed for the last few days, now I’m severely behind in terms of academics and homework. If I keep taking a break, how will I catch up?” 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Catch up? Remus, you’re always two chapters ahead of everyone, and with all your side projects to further your knowledge in magic. At this rate, it’s the professors that need to catch up to you.” 

Remus bit his lip, considering his next actions. Sirius was not wrong, but he was behind his usual standards, which was something he needed to change. 

His conflict must have shown on his face, because Sirius caught it and seized his opportunity. “Besides, you can tell the professors you’re sick, which allows for an extension of the deadlines. Also, it’s just a little break with snacks, just eat the pumpkin pasty.” 

Scrunching his face, Remus continued to internally debate. Sirius would not give up until he said yes anyway, and he was slightly ahead of his schedule for the day. 

“If you don’t take a break, I’ll start to vanish your notes.” 

Amber eyes snapped from their reverie to narrow themselves at smug gray eyes. 

“Well?” Sirius smirked, both of them knowing full well that Sirius would do that if Remus told him no. 

“Fine.” 

Chapter Text

✩.･*:｡≻──────────.•*:｡✩

Hogwarts in October found a summer’s sun bearing down, the merciless heat reflected away by relentless icy winds that blew chills down everyone’s back. The winds ranged from a high pitched whistle to a wolf’s howl, the crisp leaves in the fall highlighted by the glint of honeyed sunlight, and it was common for students to be nursing a hot cup of drinks with their hands to keep warm. 

Despite how everyone grumbled about the summer heat a couple of weeks ago, every wand is hastily drawn to cast spells for warmth — friends have been found to walk closer to each other to rely on body warmth, fires are roaring everywhere from tiny convenient ones in jars to classrooms and common rooms, thicker layers of clothings were worn. 

Which was how Sirius Black found himself pulled by an invisible string to tug on a grandpa sweater (they get the job done, though — he felt the warmth blooming under the thick layer of fabric) that belonged to a certain dorm mate with amber eyes and scarred hands one Saturday morning. 

The prefect himself, though, was fast asleep in his bed, ink from last night’s studying smeared all over his fingers, the bedsheets miraculously avoiding ink stain. He was still in his uniform, save for the outer robe and the boots that had been discarded onto the floor without a second thought, the tie half loosened and hanging off a bed post. Twisted up in the comforter he may be, the sheet snaking around his limbs and torso, it barely hid the crumpled white top of the uniform, the first few buttons unbuttoned to reveal a tease of his collarbones. 

Sirius’s eyes traveled down and lingered on his torso, where the hem of the shirt had hiked up to reveal a silver of his stomach, and below that—

He looked away as though to prevent others from seeing his train of thought, the thought of James and Peter leaving to research for new pranks in the library briefly slipping from his mind — he and Remus were the only ones in the dorm. 

A part of him was tempted to reach out and shake him awake, but the heavy eye bags tucked beneath Remus’s closed eyes cautioned him. 

Even though he could not quite comprehend why, he still had this urge to stay near him, even if it was a piece. With one glance across the sleeping boy’s bed stand, Sirius headed over in less than a minute, reached over and grabbed a shiny, silver prefect badge before dropping back into his own bed. 

A restless hand started twirling his wand distractedly, as he pondered what to do with the little accessory in his hands. 

He studied it, a finger tracing over the edges of the badge, admiring the design. 

Silver tended to put him on edge, no matter how relaxed he feigned to be on the outside. The glint of silver in the dim light resembled the dull twinkle of Grimmauld Place, with dark magic thick in the air, enough to suffocate anyone who was foolish to head in Grimmauld Place while not picking up the talent of bending dark magic to their will fast enough. 

Quick as light, Sirius tapped his wand on the badge, quickly changing it to gold to bring him back to the present, that he was safe, he was no longer precariously balancing upon a tightrope to keep his position in the Pureblooded Society, where each and every witch and wizard tracked his every movement with hungry eyes, craving to pick a flaw the second he sways. 

Despite his attempts, he was still trapped within the confines of Grimmauld Place, still delicately treading his way across the tightrope, still seeing the bolt of light leaving his mother's wand, aimed at him, his punishment that was always for his good, still inwardly screaming and rattling the bars of his cage while he outwardly gave charming smiles and smooth talking to win over people he hated. 

His room was his one sanctuary, a refuge in a wild thunderstorm that lit up with abrupt lightning that struck his surroundings mercilessly, only missing him barely because he was vital to keeping their reputation intact. Contradictory with the scenery of green, silver, and black, Sirius was a fire of gold and red, and his room reflected it. It was ablaze with everything he knew his parents despised, from muggle things to the promotion of the Gryffindor — every corner was alight with the brightest red and gold he could get his hands on. 

Sirius, they named him, after the brightest star in the sky, meant to be a blessing, hoping that he would be the best of them. The best thing the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black had to offer to the wizarding world yet, and he would outshine them all. His name was fitting, in a way. It may not be meant in the way his parents intended, but he did outshine them all. He caught the wizarding world’s attention by being the first to break the Slytherin stereotype, by rejecting all Pureblooded ideals, and refusing to succumb to the pressure when his parents still thought he had hope. 

Leaving, or being disowned, as his parents had announced in the Daily Prophet, was the best thing that had happened to him in his miserable sixteen years of existence. Free from the stuffy expectations, free from cold, dead eyes that would only show anger and desperation as emotions, free from everything he resented since birth. He had no regrets…except for one thing. 

He tapped on the badge again, watching as the gold diminished itself to a muted gray iron, the exact shade of somebody’s eyes, though it lacked the spark of intelligence. 

He regretted leaving his brother. 

Regulus Black. 

Having learnt their lesson from him, his parents sent Regulus to Drumstrang, and the only time Sirius ever got to see him was when they were home for the holidays. Sirius had watched as his sweet scrawny, gray-eyed younger brother who he grew up shielding from harm turned cold, distant, and Black. 

Arrogant, haughty, an avid follower of pureblooded ideals — on the surface. 

He had known it was a lie, of course. Even if it broke his heart, having known that his brother looked capable of cruelty. 

Sirius could tell. He was the one who had taught Regulus how to manage his facial expressions, how to master his emotions so that no one would ever be able to tell what was going on in his head. He had taught him how to manipulate people in case the need for it ever arose, how to sweet talk people into believing he was an angel, or how to seem menacing and willing to follow up on his threats. 

Regulus may have been able to hide just about anything from the world, but he would never be able to hide anything from his older brother. 

Regulus had never dared to tell Sirius outright, of course. It had been all too risky, especially when they both knew that no Black in their right mind would let Regulus, the sole spare, go after the heir left in the most disgraceful manner. No, Regulus had secretly charmed food to find its way to Sirius’s room when he had been locked in there for three days straight as punishment after setting one of Grimmauld Place’s many sitting rooms on fire, or had subtly lessen his punishments by pretending to sneer at him and tell his parents that he was a waste of time and therefore not worth their attention, or, if they were lucky, Regulus would lower his mask and would give Sirius a ghost of his lopsided grin straight from their childhood. 

The night Sirius had left, torn up with the newest cuts that left him bleeding all over his limbs, he packed everything he held dear, fit them all into a single bag and made to leave Grimmauld Place. He had evaded all creaky steps on the stairs to avoid waking his parents from their slumber, slipped around the hallway of portraits to refrain from hearing their obnoxious voices, and found Regulus, sitting down, calmly sipping from a dainty teacup. Silver, of course. 

Gray eyes had met gray eyes then, one pleading, the other resigned to fate, content to sacrifice his happiness if it meant one of them would finally get their happy ending. 

Not on Sirius’s watch, though. 

“You’re aware you’d be disowned? Not like you’d regret it, but you were the one who taught me connections had to always be secured.” 

“The ties were black, the lies weren’t white, brother. I’m not so certain I want anything to do with our family anymore.” 

His brother, a year younger than him, may as well be a year older than him then with his tired eyes, weariness hovering over him like a cloud that stubbornly refused to leave, precise calculations still whirring away in his sharp, sharp mind. Watching how his brother should have spent his childhood away from a dark, unforgiving place, Sirius could not have held in his outburst. Just for a chance to save his brother from all this. 

“Reg, please, come with me, you wouldn’t ever be safe here— follow me, and we’ll go to James’s house— his parents are the best people I’ve ever met, not like our own parents here, they’ll love you, I promise—” 

“Sirius,” Regulus had softly interrupted. “You know as well as I do that there’s no way they would ever let me go if you want a chance to run tonight.” 

“We’ll fight it!” Sirius had argued, barely keeping his tone to a minimum, far too desperate to save his brother. 

“You know we can’t, Sirius. They’re one of the most elite in the Pureblooded society, which is also a rather elite society in all of the wizarding world, if you recall,” He had said, dry humour alive in his words. “Besides, I can hold my own here. Everyone’s going to adore me far too much to ever dream of hurting me.” 

“But I…” 

“Sirius.” 

“Regulus.” 

Regulus had given a little huff, grumbling about how Sirius would always be able to find time and pick a fight with his little brother even if the world was ending. 

“It wouldn’t be for too long. Besides, if I’m the sole heir to the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black…” Regulus had given Sirius a casual shrug, the smirk on his mouth barely there. “It wouldn’t be long before I rule everything my way, enough to give our dear parents a heart attack. Unless they die first. Before then, I can keep being the treasured heir with a disgracefully disowned brother for a couple years more.” 

Sirius had been torn. Rationally, he had known what his brother had insinuated was the best idea, especially with Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella also wanting to be in charge of the House of Black, should anything happen to their beloved relatives. Bellatrix would definitely be rearing to fight for it as well. If Regulus was of age by then, they would be powerless to step in his way. 

Irrationally, he just wanted his brother safe. He could not care less about the long term game to secure power and safety, he simply wanted his brother to be by his side, safe and sound. 

“Will I ever see you again in these two years?” Sirius could have kept on fighting. Kept on bickering with Regulus until he managed to hex him unconscious — he had no doubt Regulus was a trained duelist, similar to himself, but if he tried hard enough, the difference in one extra year of training would show its difference — so he could drag him over to the Potters’ himself, but if he had guessed right, it seems that there would be wards that forbids Regulus to escape spelled in place, courtesy of his parents. Probably of his Uncle and Aunt too. 

Escaping with Regulus would be fruitless, but if he stayed there any longer, he was going to get killed by a member of the Pureblooded society, if his parents had not gotten there first. Regulus had known, too. It was the only reason why he was not stopping Sirius. But…

“I’ll stay.” 

“Do you have a death wish that badly?” While his steady tone had not betrayed his fear, the faint moonlight that snuck past the heavy curtains of Grimmauld Place illuminated the stark horror in his eyes. “They’ll kill you by the end of the week, because you would quite literally prefer to die than to obey their demands, and they’ll be all too happy to oblige.” 

“I’d rather die than leave you here alone willingly.”

“I’d rather you not die than leave me in this world alone willingly.” 

Those words had made Sirius’s heart stop. 

“Do you think it’s easy for me to urge you to leave too, Sirius? I grew up relying on you. But if I had to make a choice and act disgusted around you for two years than act approving whenever someone cheers about your death — which, I’ll most likely witness — for decades, on my own, I would pick the first one without any hesitation. So please, if not for you, then leave for me.” Regulus’s voice had turned imploring then, the roles having switched between them all of a sudden. 

They both had been drilled to never cry the hard way, so the last time they both had cried was probably back when they were seven each, but Sirius swore Regulus was close to tears. He had an inkling, then, because he had a lump in his own throat, a telltale sign of crying that he had long forgotten. 

“I’ll be waiting for you. If you need to breathe, or to talk, or help to take your position as Lord of the House of Black, I’ll always be just an owl away.” 

It was the least he could promise his brother who was willing to sacrifice two years of his life to ensure his older brother lived. 

A nod of acknowledgment, an unguarded, vulnerable look, a wan smile was what Sirius got in return to his offer. “Go,” Regulus whispered, rising from his seat, stepping back, chin lifted, back straight, shoulders back, looking every inch like the Lord of House of Black he was meant to be. “Go, before they wake up. I’ll remove every trace of evidence.” 

So strong, his little brother. Almost as if he did not need his older brother anymore. 

That last thought cut his heart like a heated knife. 

“Goodbye, Regulus.” He whispered, stepping outside the house as the door was silently unlocked. 

A slight dip of the head and a brave, wobbly smile. “Goodbye, Sirius.” 

That was the last time Sirius Black had any interaction with his brother. 

When Sirius made it to the Potters’ that night, tear tracks streaked down his face. “Regulus” was the only thing he cared to repeat that night.

He snapped back to reality with a start when cursing caught his attention. 

“I’m late and no one bloody told me?” 

“Late for what, Remus? Satan’s gathering?” 

“Your funeral, more like.” 

“I’m not dead yet.” 

“That minor detail can be easily arranged.” 

Remus was swearing nonstop with words Sirius didn’t even know had existed, hastily buttoning his shirt and tucking it in, reaching over to grab his tie and yanking on the tail so hard Sirius was half afraid Remus would strangle himself by accident. 

“Where’s my badge?” 

He registered that he was holding Remus’s prefect badge just in time. With a quick tap, the badge transformed back to its original material, the silver sparkling at him. Remus waved his wand while facing the mirror in the adjacent bathroom and the badge lifted off Sirius’s extended hand, zooming over to pin itself on his robes. 

He squinted at himself in the mirror, frowning. “Is the badge slanted? I can’t really tell…” 

Tired of his scowling and frantic pace, Sirius walked towards him, a quick gust of air leaving his nostrils in the form of a laugh. “I’ll do it, you twat.” 

“Do what, prick me to death with my badge?” 

“I’ll kill myself if you keep on wondering about either of our deaths. Just let me pin the badge, you oaf.” 

As Remus turned in defeat to face him, Sirius furrowed his eyebrows at the sight of Remus’s face. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” Remus claimed. The whites of his knuckles from gripping the edges of the sink tightly said otherwise. There were also pained winces flashing across his face that Remus tried to hide, but Sirius did not grow up in Grimmauld Place learning to use his facial features as a mask for nothing. He knew when someone was hiding pain, especially Remus. Those amber eyes were far too expressive and not well versed in lying well enough. 

Sirius raised his eyebrows in challenge. “Want to try that again?” 

Remus sighed. “It’s just a faint headache,” he conceded. “It’ll pass in a few.” 

Judging from his reaction and knowing he was not a dramatic person like Sirius was, it hardly resembled a faint headache. 

“Done,” Sirius declared, releasing the fabric of the robes and stepping back to check that the badge was, in fact, not slanted. 

The moment he did, though, Remus gave a minor yelp of surprise. His hand jerked up to touch the badge, but the next thing Sirius knew, Remus was hissing in pain, cradling the hand that touched the badge with his other hand. 

Sirius made to take a look at the injury, but Remus instantly hid it with his other hand. “Woah, mate, you alright?” 

“Definitely, being a w— I mean, there’s a flaw in the badge,” Remus said, gritting his teeth. “Pricked my finger and right now it just stings. It’s nothing.” 

Confused, Sirius searched his memory when he played it a while ago. Despite lightly pressing his fingers into the badge, he recalled catching his fingers on no flaws. “But there isn’t—”

When he looked up again, Remus was gone, the click of the dorm door the only giveaway as to where he went. 

『••✎••』

Remus dashed down the stairs, gulping in breaths far too heavy for the short distance he was sprinting. His head was swimming with dizziness, and it took all of his concentration to focus on finding any one of the girls who knew his secret to help him change his badge. 

Sirius had the badge in his hand when he first woke up, hence passing it to him when Remus asked for its whereabouts. He must have been Transfiguring the material of the badge while he was asleep. Remus had no idea who to curse more at — Sirius, for turning the badge pure silver and resulting in Remus currently approximately thirty seconds away from being sick, or himself, for forgetting that Sirius loved to take his things and transform it, even if he did change it back to its original form, and not taking precautions sooner. 

It had been James who swiftly changed the material and coloured it silver on the train ride to Hogwarts at the first term of last year, and Remus was glad enough to not revert it back to pure silver since. 

Speaking of Sirius, though, the near slip up was the most terrifying thing he had ever experienced. Zero stars for that minor heart attack. 

Another bout of nausea washed over him, and he barely refrained from kneeling over. Hands shaking, he attempted to unpin the badge from his robes, hoping if he held it a distance away from him, the illness would reduce. 

Red-hot pain bloomed wherever his skin made contact with the surface of the badge. He tried persevering a little while longer, before the pain became too much to tolerate and his hands let go. He could feel the heat radiating from the little metal pin through the fabric of his robes, which further added to the uncomfortable feeling. 

“Remus! Hey, you alright—?” A female voice worried, and Remus took a while to think through the haze of agony to place the familiar voice. He squinted to focus on dark skin and strands of braided hair, before finally recognising her. 

“Dorcas,” he rasped. “Silver badge. Help.” 

Fortunately for him, Dorcas immediately grasped the meaning from his garbled words. She headed straight for one of the alcoves in the corner, dragging Remus along. How she managed to keep him from falling flat on the floor was beyond him, but he was rather grateful he did not have to deal with bloodied injuries in addition to his werewolf allergic reaction to silver. 

“Breathe, Remus. I need you to hold on just a little bit longer. Can you breathe, please? I can’t feel your breath, and it’s starting to get terrifying. Focus on something.” 

Remus tried. He really tried. But it was as if his body was not his anymore, and he had relinquished the reins of his control over his body to someone else, and every breath brought in lesser and lesser oxygen. 

The pounding in his head was starting to feel too much to bear as well. He tried to tell her that much, but the most he could manage was to open his mouth and drag in an even smaller gulp of air. 

Dorcas was shakily trying to transfigure the badge to another metal. Her wide, panicked eyes were getting increasingly frightened as her trembling wand kept messing up the accurate movement of the spell. 

Take a deep breath and try again, Remus wanted to advise her. Only problem was, the relentless pain behind his eyes were starting to blur his vision too.

“I’m so sorry, Remus, I tend to panic under pressure, okay, okay, I’m going to need more time…I’ll just remove the badge and move to the other side of the alcove to change it, alright?”

With a simpler goal to achieve now, she was less alarmed, fingers now moving more steadily and unpinning the badge with a couple of tries. 

Speedily, she shifted to the other end of the alcove, even holding the badge against the wall to move it as far from Remus as she could. 

The badge was less than a few feet away from him, but the pain was less intense than it had been previously. Remus felt the second Dorcas succeeded at changing the badge. Earlier, it felt like a constant river of pain streaming into his head and engulfing his body in suffering, but now, with the source of his werewolf allergy removed, the stream had stopped flowing in. The lake pooling in his head from the river earlier on was still there, but without the running river, the pain reduced tremendously. 

She scooted back to him, repinning the badge on him expertly. “I’ve just finished adding additional charms on the badge, so that no one would be able to spell it anymore.” 

“Dorcas,” Remus’s throat felt like sandpaper. “I could kiss you right now if I wasn’t so sure if your girlfriend would let me live when she finds out.” 

Dorcas’s reply was interrupted by said girlfriend. “Who’s trying to kiss my girlfriend?” 

Marlene barely batted an eye at Remus’s condition — being a beater on the Quidditch team, she had probably witnessed, caused and received worse during practice and matches. “What happened to you?” 

“Hi babe – Remus ended up with a pure silver badge somehow, and I helped change it back.” Dorcas pulled Marlene down for a kiss, to which she obliged. 

Remus’s head was still throbbing, but he assumed that it was mostly from the intense proximity with pure silver just now. 

“Oh — Sirius was changing the material of my badge, and Dorcas saved my life, that’s wh—” 

He was still registering the look of dawning understanding and horror on Marlene’s face when he attempted to stand up. Without warning, his knees buckled, unable to hold his weight, and his vision momentarily turned obscure. When his eyes refocused, his eyes were a few inches away from the floor, separated by a pair of extended arms he belatedly realised was his. 

“Tell me that’s just the remaining pain from the silver weakening him.” 

If it were, why did he hurt so much? His arms started to visibly shake, a sign that his body was weaker than before, which made no sense if it were the supposedly lingering effects from the silver allergic reaction. 

“That’s one silver lining we can bank our hopes on.” 

“Not funny, Marls.” 

Typically, Remus would agree, but the pounding in his head was making him more delirious. Faint laughter made to leave his mouth, only to die in his throat when his throat refused to let any sound escape. 

Rapid cursing above his head. “He might’ve gotten silver poisoning.” 

Ah, crap. 

Werewolves’ aversion to silver was not without good reason, either. Upon the first few minutes of close proximity with silver, it would make any werewolf writhe with pain, tormented as if the silver were stinging nettles, but a thousand times more intense and the resulting injury more severe. Silver can also be lethal — when left too long with silver, depending on the size, purity, and duration. 

“Oh— quick! Get him to the infirmary!” 

Through the vague haze fogging his mind, Remus was vaguely aware of two pairs of arms hoisting him up, frantically dragging him in the direction of the portrait that led to the exit of the Gryffindor common room. 

His mind toed the line between unconsciousness and subconscious, his head wound up too tight for him to protest as Marlene decided to just give him a piggyback ride, Dorcas furiously screeching at those who came over to take a look out of concern and curiosity. 

His hands felt as though it were burning, invisible flames consuming every one of his nerves. Like the silver had sank in past the skin and into his bloodstream, the pain was spreading throughout him, excruciating heat latching onto every cell in his body. The bobbing from Marlene’s hurried footsteps were not of much help, either. 

He had no concept of time as the wind barely brushed his skin. How long had Marlene been running? Or had she stopped? Or was he blacking out? 

“Almost there, Remus…Just one more flight of stairs and a couple of corridors…” Marlene chanted, gaining speed as she finished climbing the final steps, sprinting for the infirmary without care for jostling Remus. Footsteps echoed beside her — probably Dorcas barely keeping up with Marlene — a rather impressive feat for a student trained solely in magic to still be running within sight of a Quidditch player. 

The next time his head stopped spinning long enough for him to focus, he was met with Madam Pomfrey’s pursed lips and white face. 

Her forced calm tone faded in and out of Remus’s hearing. “Remus… poisoning… too long… lethal…” 

Distantly, he felt the light brushes of magic sweeping over his skin, wrapping itself around him, a cooling balm to the insatiable heat he had been subjected to for who knows how long. 

Still teetering on the edge of consciousness but offered more breathing room, he heard Madam Pomfrey’s utterly puzzled tone. “Why… here? Where are… boys?…”

Madam Pomfrey’s spells seemed to work its magic, giving Remus’s lungs strength and clearing his airways so that he could inhale enough air to make his surroundings stilled into sudden clarity for a brief moment. 

The incoherent murmuring in the room became distinctively clear, just in time for Remus to make out Marlene’s words. 

“They’re…unavailable nowadays, Madam Pomfrey. Believe me, if they knew, I think they’d even fight Dumbledore to get to his side.” 

The worst part was, Marlene was probably right. Had his friends still retained knowledge that he was a werewolf and word got to them that Remus got silver poisoning, they would have done anything to get there and support him, even if they could not do anything. 

Even if James would probably panic and do the stupidest things out of anxiety. 

Even if Peter would have hidden in the corner, too frightened for Remus’s safety to do anything, too worried to leave for his own peace of mind. 

Even if Sirius…

Sirius…

Oblivion finally ensnared Remus’s senses fully, and he saw no more. 

Chapter Text

⚛》》》》》◆《《《《《⚛

October passed in a flurry of activity, from Quidditch matches to Halloween banquets. Peter had just been asked out by Hestia Jones (“So you think she actually wanted me to explain the usage of the internet to her, Sirius? I don’t even understand it myself!” “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t know, Pete. Maybe she just thought all your note taking paid off.” Peter had then proceeded to hex Sirius’s robes into tangled knots, which took Sirius half an hour to detangle, with James hooting with laughter in the background.) 

James, meanwhile, had been fuming over all the fouls the Slytherins had attempted in the Quidditch match against Gryffindor two weeks ago. “They nearly smashed a bludger into Gideon! One millisecond later and Gideon may have even been on the receiving end of a head injury! And that’s just allowed in the match?” 

Sirius was faintly annoyed at how the Halloween Party had to be passed on, simply because the Slytherins managed to trick the professors into thinking that the Gryffindors were at fault for the dungbombs in all classrooms. “Now our next chance would be our last! Blasphemy! Slander!” 

Grumbling has ensued in Remus’s ears all week long. (He wondered how much longer was it socially acceptable before he could charm duct tape to Sirius’s mouth, before remembering he was too tired to keep up with social etiquette and doing so anyway.)

Remus, however, was still at the restaurant, the same memories replaying in his head. The silver poisoning had gotten him an extra day in the infirmary, which he managed to convince the boys that he fell asleep in the hidden corner of the library. When he came back around, he found Sirius sitting upon his bed, fidgeting and tapping on the bed frame with his fingers rhythmically. 

“Remus!” Sirius shot to his feet. “I wanted to ask…” Sirius took a step closer to him, the scent of leather accompanied with the faintest whiff of cologne engulfing Remus. “How’s your finger?” 

“Huh?” What about his finger? Scarred, yes. Nails bitten, yes. Constantly ready to showcase his middle one to portray his thoughts, definitely. But they’ve always been there, so what was he saying? 

“The flaw in your badge. Didn’t you say it hurt?” 

Oh. The hasty lie he improvised while on the verge of blacking out? Recalled. 

“Uh, yeah. It was painful.” Why was Sirius bringing it up? Puzzled behind measure, Remus tried to figure out all sorts of motives Sirius might’ve had to ask him this and—

Oh. 

Oh fuck. 

Did Sirius at last realised how suspicious it was that Remus felt dizzy and could barely hold a badge made of pure silver? Had he finally figured it out? 

“Hey,” Remus raised his hands — in surrender or in a placating manner or out of sheer panic, he didn’t know either — “It’s not what you think it is.”

The other boy’s eyebrows twitched towards each other. “What do you mean? All I wanted was to give you a band aid.” 

The panic was sharply directed towards confusion. “A what?” 

Sirius rolled his eyes, an ineffective method to disguise the pink in his cheeks as he realised he had to spell everything out for Remus. “A band aid. You hurt your finger, and you would never go to the infirmary over such a small matter, but it seemed like it hurt. So. A band aid.” 

Godric stepping on legos. Remus went through excruciating pain every month since he was four, and he couldn’t feel like collapsing into a puddle of melted Remus when Sirius decided to just be nice? 

But Sirius remembered that minor detail enough to seek out a band aid and pass it to him afterwards. 

Sirius saw him as nothing more than a friend and only wanted to help him after seeing him in pain. 

Remus wanted to die. 

Remus wanted to kiss him. 

Remus was going to kiss Sirius Black, and then die. 

He accepted the band aid with a muttered words of thanks, before — curse his heart, he would never be able to fight Sirius Black on anything — unwrapping and bandaging it around his finger, even though the finger was perfectly healed along with the rest of his body under Madam Pomfrey’s meticulous care. 

If Sirius saw any hint of red that betrayed the heat Remus was enveloped in a close encounter with him, he didn’t say anything. 

That was a few days ago. 

Right now, Remus was on his way back to dorms, ignoring how everyone had been gushing about Sirius Black’s birthday party that night, the huge wave of excitement spreading like wildfire, both drowning and setting him aflame with delight. 

He loved the way Sirius’s eyes lit up that morning, adored the way he viciously opened his presents, grinning like he couldn’t believe he would ever get a chance to act like a child during his birthday, unlike growing up in Grimmauld Place.

He hated how the girls he passed by would whisper eagerly, all discussing the best clothing options that would catch the birthday boy’s eye, all fighting for a chance to bag Sirius Black. 

He loathed how he couldn’t even fight back, because he was the one who removed his memories. Still. There was some consolation in knowing that he was the one Sirius Black had once loved, and not some girl that he likely would have spent the rest of his life hating. 

He had loved me, not you, Remus quietly thought to himself as he strolled past another group of girls let out shrill giggles, wondering if they would be the lucky girl that may finally encourage Sirius Black to start dating again. If they could be his forever person. 

He’ll never go for a girl like you. 

But what rights could he claim to declare that?

Sirius's birthday had to be celebrated with one of Sirius's most well-known traits — with flair. 

Earlier that day, James had single handedly conducted the entire Great Hall to sing “Happy Birthday” for Sirius, with Peter — who was happy to not have to control the crowds in the Great Hall — screaming the lyrics the loudest, charming food and drinks out of James's way as he tap danced across the lengthy table. 

Even Dumbledore had personally announced his well wishes to Sirius, who had cast puppy eyes at Minnie until she relented and wished him a happy birthday too. 

Remus had watched all week as the two boys planned the party for that night, smiling to himself as he heard their laughter past the heavy curtains they'd drawn around Peter's bed, scheming to acquire the drinks and music, mainly. 

Remus had no hesitation that James would have tried to drag Remus in the planning out of sheer friendliness, and so he had done his best to keep out of James's sight. 

Although the more the boys tried to plan and arrange for the logistics, the more Remus wanted to offer his help — firstly, the only person between the four of them who could successfully plan the most efficient and easiest way for their goals would be Remus, and secondly, when he heard how much they planned to carry to the Gryffindor tower between the two of them, it seemed like it would take all night. 

Maybe once he got back to the tower, he could locate the boys and offer his assistance. Godric knows that they could use a little help. 

Shaken out of his daze, Remus stumbled over while rounding a corner. What was that? 

He squinted at the floor, bemusedly prodding around when there was no object he could have tripped over visible. 

Dinner had ended a while ago, and it was a few minutes away from curfew before everyone had to remain in their common rooms. Remus would be fairly certain he would see quite a number of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws at the party though. 

His hand grasped a material that felt as if it were water woven. Is that…

“Lumos,” Remus fished out his wand, murmuring the spell for light. 

A shiny, silvery material was revealed, a sight that Remus was well acquainted with for years. 

He picked up James’s invisibility cloak, shaking it to check for anything that might be hidden in its gleaming folds when it was bundled on the floor. After a couple tries jerking the fabric back and forth, Remus was forced to conclude that there was nothing concealed within the cloak. 

But then, what was it doing there? 

Remus looked up, and recognised the silhouette of a short and plump boy scurrying down the corridor, his steps light and silent to the untrained ear, the glow of his wand light reflecting off the walls. The boy reached the end of the corridor, head darted to the sides to check for any authority, before continuing turning right, continuing with his sneaking. 

“Peter, you idiot,” Remus spoke softly into the night, realising the direction he was travelling in. “Sneaking to grab more food for the party doesn’t mean one should forget to hold onto the cloak.” 

Slipping the cloak over him, Remus picked up his pace, lightly jogging after Peter, intending to offer his help and returning the cloak. 

As soon as he reached the end of the corridor, he turned right, spotting Peter only halfway through the corridor. He opened his mouth to get Peter’s attention, but a vicious hiss interrupted him. 

Peter paused in his light treading, standing perfectly still. He glanced down to see a pair of narrowed, lamplike eyes glaring their resentment at him. In the dim moonlight, Remus could make out an outline of a certain scrawny cat. The lighting could not be of much help, but if Remus had to take a guess, he’d say the cat was dust coloured. 

And oh. 

Just because Peter had forgotten that he was an Animagus and had not transformed in months, it doesn’t mean that a cat wouldn’t be able to smell it on him. Besides, Peter had delighted in causing advanced chaos for Mrs Norris ever since he could become a rat, baiting Mrs Norris to chase him and then making a sharp turn to get out of the way just as the cat pounced, yowling her shock as she crashed head first, fearless into cages and the knight armour’s helmets. 

Besides giving her trouble in Animagus form, Peter also would not hesitate to kick her from under the cloak, revelling in the way the cat would screech her surprise. 

Remus wasn’t certain about cat senses, but if they were anything like a werewolf’s, she would still be able to identify Peter with ease, Animagus or human. 

Mrs Norris had just prowled closer to Peter, purring her delight at catching him finally breaking a rule and at her mercy. Peter, poor guy, had just realised how there was no cloak he was supposed to be shrouded over. Even with the poor lighting, it wasn’t difficult to miss the second Peter’s eyes widened comically. 

“Mrs Norris! There’s my sweet. Look at you— what’s this? A student in the hallway! What are you doing here, you nasty little boy? Out after curfew!” Filch had just approached them both, gingerly picking up Mrs Norris, giving Peter a glare similar to the one he had received from Mrs Norris as well. 

And poor Peter had no excuse to defend himself with, because his wand, lit up with light, wasn’t helping matters. 

“First off was that Lockhart boy who kept tailing me and telling me how I could do my own job better,” Filch grumbled. “As if I haven’t been managing my own job without issues for decades! And now a student, breaking the rules! I’ll get you in detention, or hang you up the wall from your toes!” 

Despite everything, Remus sympathised with Filch. If he had Gilderoy Lockhart following him and trying to act as if he could do everything, he would probably try medieval punishments on the first person he could force that excuse on. 

Unfortunately, the person in question happened to be one of his best friends, even if he didn’t know it, and Remus was not going to let Peter be hung up by his toes all night. 

He pulled off the cloak, wordlessly spelling the cloak to shrink until he could fit it in his pocket, and walked towards the three of them, ensuring his footsteps were loud enough to be unmistakable. 

Filch whipped around, grinning with glee when he saw Remus stepping into the light. “Another student out of curfew! Oh, the punishments you’re going to receive…” Filch rubbed his hands together joyously, probably imagining all the ways he was going to discipline them. 

Peter’s eyes bulged at the sight of Remus, the look on his face communicating his thoughts flawlessly. Are you stupid? Why didn’t you run when you heard him talking to me? 

Remus ignored Peter’s baffled expression, instead putting on his Prefect mask. “He’s with me, sir, I wanted him to grab something for me before I realised it was unnecessary.” He said pompously, flashing his prefect badge at Filch. 

“You do realise the both of you are out during curfew, and that’s breaking the rules?” Filch replied imperiously, drawing himself to his fullest height as Mrs Norris leapt to the ground — not very impressive, seeing as how he barely came up to Remus’s shoulder — intent on seeing two students landing in detention tonight. 

Alas for him, Remus was planning on the exact same thing, and losing was unacceptable. 

Peter’s stricken stare gradually turned anticipatory, wondering if Filch would actually be bested by a student for once. He made a shooing gesture at Mrs Norris, scowling at her when she tried to scratch him. 

“We still have three minutes to curfew,” Remus simply answered, keeping an absolutely unbothered face and resisting the urge to smirk at the enraged look on Filch’s face as he hurriedly dug out his pocket watch, and realise that Remus was right. “I left the Gryffindor tower and reached here in two. Better luck next time, Filch.” 

He nodded at Peter, who seemed to relax now that all seemed to be in the clear, making his way to stand by Remus’s side. 

Without a second word, Remus turned around and left, inwardly sighing with relief when Peter followed him without a moment’s hesitation. 

They rounded the corner before Remus pulled the cloak over the both of them, and then tugged Peter to the sides of the corridor to wait, placing a finger to his lips when Peter looked at Remus in confusion. 

Peter frowned, still not understanding, but knowing that Remus saved him once and probably wouldn’t leave him at the mercy of Filch, he followed suit and stayed silent. 

Peter understood Remus’s actions one minute later. 

“Come on, Mrs Norris, they shouldn’t have gone too far. If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to catch them before they reach their dorms!” Both boys heard Filch tell his cat, quickly bypassing Remus and Peter. 

Mrs Norris, however, paused as she passed the both of them, sniffing the area before whipping her head right in the direction where Remus and Peter were hidden. Remus held his breath, a hand quickly covering Peter’s mouth and shaking his head at him. 

Peter looked ready to melt into the wall. 

“Mrs Norris! Are you coming or not? Those boys may be reaching the dorms soon!” 

With one last suspicious gaze at the boys, even if she couldn’t see them, she swiftly trotted to Filch, the cranky caretaker of Hogwarts, both disappearing out of the boys’ sight as they rounded the corner. 

Remus let go of Peter and he heaved a sigh as soon as it was safe to do so, rounding on Remus, eyes wide with gratitude. 

“Remus, I owe you so much for saving me,” Peter breathed. “I can’t believe I was so careless.” 

Since Remus couldn’t disagree with Peter on that front, he could only caution him. “I don’t know how you forgot to keep James’s cloak with you, but accidentally dropping it in a corner of the school would be hella stupid.” 

“As stupid as wandering around the school minutes before curfew?” 

“Touché,” Remus admitted, before the both of them exchanged glances and chuckled under their breaths, still mindful of their surroundings. 

Peter nodded, extremely thankful for Remus saving him from extra detention on Sirius’s birthday, before catching a loophole in the whole situation. “Wait, James’s quite careful about his cloak, so how did you find out about it?” 

Shit. 

He kept on forgetting that removing their memories of their friendship would mean that he wasn’t supposed to act like he knew about their secrets, for a mere friend would not be included in their deepest confidences. Slipping up and saving Peter without a well rehearsed and prepared backstory would be an idiotic mistake Remus would not be repeating. 

“Sharing a dorm with the three of you can be quite insightful,” was Remus’s only vague reply, mind whirring with other topics to change the subject. “Where’s James anyway? I thought you two would usually be together.” 

“So long as he isn’t busy flirting away with Lily, he should be sneaking into Hogsmeade getting our drinks,” Peter explained, sceptical of Remus’s answer to his question. 

“Butterbeer?”

“And firewhisky,” Peter confirmed. “How did you even find me?” 

Thank Merlin. This was an easy question he could answer truthfully without being unclear. “I was on my way back to the dorms, when I tripped over the invisibility cloak and saw you on your way to the kitchens.” 

Sensing Remus’s honesty in the question, Peter frowned and let him off the hook, even if his queries were not entirely satisfied. “I’m on my way to get more food from the kitchens for Sirius’s birthday party.” 

“Want some help?” Remus offered. True, the more time he spends with his old best friends, the higher the risk of slipping up and letting the cat out of the bag, but he missed this. He missed being in the presence of his friends, laughing about how they had managed to narrowly evade trouble. 

“You would?” Peter beamed, that smile resembling the one years ago when Remus offered his answers to the Defence Against the Dark Arts homework Peter had been bemoaning over for weeks for the first time, the same eyes alight with elation. “You’re the best, Moony!” 

Wait. Remus’s mind finally snagged on a detail. Two months ago on the train to Hogwarts, Sirius had called Remus “Moony” then as well. Wouldn’t the spell where Remus had obliviated the marauders made them forget about that name? In theory, the spell should have preserved the boys’ memories of nicknames for the three of them excluding Remus, even if they wouldn’t ever remember the nicknames’ origins. 

So why did Peter know what Remus's nickname was? 

Remus blinked. That was for another time to ponder. Right now, Peter was grinning because of Remus, and he knew he wouldn’t get many chances to make any of his friends smile this widely. “Lead the way, Wormtail.” 

Ten minutes later, with their arms full of bags that contained the large variety of food Peter and Remus managed to charm the house elves into making for Sirius’s birthday, both boys were laughing over the countless jokes they made. 

“…and the Slytherins were horrified to find their beloved heir to the Malfoy empire on the wall, his luscious blonde hair all tangled up while he was attached to the wall! No idea how long it took them to take him down, but Malfoy stopped mocking the muggleborns for a good week or so after that,” Peter cackled, retelling the tale of how Mary and Dorcas was so done with being made fun of with at least one muggle parent, they decided to exact their revenge. 

Remus huffed a laugh, shaking his head with fondness for the girls. “Messing with them is a fatal mistake, those girls.” 

As both boys pulled off the cloak before they approached the painting of the Fat Lady, Remus asked Peter how many more trips were needed to finish grabbing the food. 

“Originally, there was one more,” Peter explained, gesturing for Remus to set the food on the tables in the corner provided for that purpose, before rearranging the food once they entered the common room. Somehow, the common room was still mostly empty, the students probably upstairs adding last minute touch ups to their appearances or readying their birthday gifts meant for the birthday boy. “But since you came and took more than I could ever carry with two trips with those long limbs of yours, this would suffice.” 

When the food was done, Peter made to head up to their dorm, probably going to let James know the food preparation was finished and to check on James’s progress to procure the drinks, maybe checking the Marauder’s Map if he wasn’t up there. 

Responding to Peter’s questioning look, Remus gestured to the armchairs by the fireplace, indicating his preference to sit here and wait instead. 

Just before he went up the stairs, Peter looked back. “Remus?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks for saving me from Filch,” Peter said. “Not many would’ve actively helped me, since I’m usually the forgotten one in the group. Most people would’ve probably been a bystander and watched me receive a scolding.” 

Remus waved him off, throat too tight to speak. You were my best friend, Peter, he found himself wanting to say. I’ll always be your best friend, even if you don’t remember or want me to anymore. 

And if I didn’t know better, I’d think the old you were still around. 

Chapter Text

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

Remus found himself sipping from a full bottle of firewhisky he had taken from the banquet, abundant with food and beverages for the party, surveying the scene. 

An hour and a half after Peter had gone up, more and more people had gathered in the common room, all eagerly awaiting the arrival of the birthday boy to kickstart the party. Girls were all travelling in cliques, smirks on those most confident and arrogantly foolish enough to believe that they would be able to bag Sirius Black. 

Pathetic, Remus had inwardly scoffed at girls still adding last minute touch ups to their hair and makeup, subtly adjusting their extremely low cut tops and dresses to new lows. Achieving Sirius Black really was a milestone in their school career instead of seeing him as a person for them, isn’t it? 

In a corner, a table has been hidden from view from all the presents left there, all from admirers and friends who wished to gift Sirius something for his seventeenth birthday.  

However, as time went by, no sign of Sirius appearing on the stairwell, and the crowds’ attention had gradually dwindled, instead focusing on casual conversation with each other, people gulping down liquid courage to ask those they find attractive out, and some students had even started to just dance, to the cheers and whoops of other students. 

James had leaned over the railing as he paused midway while descending the stairs, winking to the delight (and swoons) of the crowds, before announcing Sirius’s delay in his arrival and on the behalf of his best friend, would like to declare the start of the party. 

Peter, happy to remain out of the spotlight, had already slipped into the crowds, long gone from Remus’s range of sight. He suspected he wouldn’t be seeing any more of Peter until the morning. 

James had barely finished his announcement when the music started playing on maximum volume — Merlin, it isn’t that he didn’t support the use of a muggle record player, they’re gold, but really — was it necessary for them to be loud enough to burst his eardrums? 

The record player was quite a hidden treasure of the Gryffindor tower. Snuck in by the Prewett twins two years ago, they had enlisted half of their year’s help to figure out how to use magic to replace the electricity the record player sustains itself on to function. 

They had also managed to get younger muggleborns to come and take a look while it was in the process, their priceless knowledge on how muggle inventions function proving to be helpful. 

“Look at them!” A fifth year Alice Fortescue had whispered to a then fourth year Remus, eyes shining as she glanced around, noting at how pleased the first years were euphoric to prove their worth, teaching experienced wizards older than them how to work something they were familiar with all their lives. “That’ll humble the wizarding world on belittling muggleborns.” 

Remus had started absentmindedly bobbing his head when David Bowie came on, a certain boy with silken locks and mischievous smirks and angular eyes surfacing in his mind’s eye when Lady Stardust came on. 

Lady Stardust sang his songs of darkness and disgrace…

“Remus, you womanizer, you’ve got every girl within hearing range drooling for you!” Mary plopped onto the spot right next to Remus, the sudden jostle of the couch startling Remus from his trance staring into the fireplace. 

Out of the corner of his eyes, the girls Mary had called out were hastily moving away, embarrassed to be caught red handed. 

He looked behind Mary to find Lily hovering behind the couch, both girls wearing crocheted tops. Mary’s, however, was over a bold red skin tight dress that showed off her curves rather well. Golden touches of makeup around her eyes completed her outfit. 

“Mary, Lily, both looking good,” Remus greeted them, unsurprised by the efforts they both put in their outfits. These girls had been made to rock the world with their fashion choices since they were born. Especially Mary. “And no, how did I seduce them from all the way here? I’m gay, if you’ve forgotten.” 

Mary waved a dismissive hand, claiming that sexuality had nothing to do with attracting others. “Besides, you were quietly singing along to the song with that raspy voice of yours. Expect a rise in the number of girls eyeing you in the next few weeks.” 

“No.” Remus felt red with mortification. He didn’t even realise he was singing? 

“Yes.”

“You’re joking.” 

“Look at the girls glancing in your direction, glaring at me and Lily in jealousy, and say that again.” 

Lily giggled at Mary’s unshakable opinion, and obliged Remus — who probably was resembling a ripe tomato, if he surmised accurately from the heat in his face — when he shifted away from Mary to invite Lily a seat, walking around the couch to reveal her clothes. 

While Mary’s outfit screamed fancy and elegant partying, Lily’s went for a more casual vibe. A high waisted, long, flowy skirt crept out from under her top, though there was nothing to cover her shoulders save for the straps of the crocheted top, revealing her freckles dotting her upper arms that matched the ones across the bridge of her nose. 

“With pockets, mind you,” Lily ecstatically added when she saw Remus running his eye over her clothes, shoving her hands into her skirt to show the depths of the pockets. “Don’t you know how hard it is to find decent sized pockets in the women’s clothing industry? Look! It comes up to a little over my wrists!” 

“Oh, don’t get me started,” Mary complained, rolling her eyes, highlighting the effects of her makeup. “It’s quite clear when men are running an industry that’s meant for women when issues like these occur. Where are all those genius designs I’ve been seeing outside those small clothing businesses?” 

“Indeed,” Lily idly agreed. 

“Where are Marlene and Dorcas? In the dorms?” Remus asked, the question circling in his head for a while now. 

“Please, that’s on our agenda in a few hours, after consuming a good amount of firewhisky, not now,” Marlene replied, seemingly appearing out of nowhere as she handed Lily her drink. The redhead chorused her thanks, Mary echoing her gratitude as Dorcas passed hers over. “We’re not animals. Hi, Remus.” 

“Please tell me you’ve casted the silencing spells already,” Lily groaned, face in her hands, no one paying any attention to Remus’s greeting. “The sounds the both of you made from the last time you didn’t after taking in a terrifying amount of firewhisky still haunts me.” 

Remus was glad no one caught his burning cheeks. Who had the confidence to talk of such intimate matters in public? Of course it would be the girls. 

“I already apologized for that!” Dorcas protested, blushing faintly. 

“Marlene didn’t.” Mary chimed in, with an air of amusement. 

“I don’t need to feel ashamed for indulging in pleasure with my girlfriend,” Marlene stated with her chin held up, a refusal to feel any remorse for scarring her friend. 

“You should, though, for traumatising your best friend of five years,” Lily muttered, gulping down half the cup’s contents in one go. 

Deciding it would be best for his dignity to tune out the conversation, Remus redirected his focus to the music playing in the background. 

Oh, how I sighed when they asked if I knew his name— 

Super trouper beams are gonna blind me, but I won’t feel blue…

What. Remus blinked. Which distasteful idiot had switched the music from David Bowie to some ABBA song? Mid song, no less!

Dorcas squealed, tugging on Marlene’s leather jacket. “It’s the song where we officially started dating!” 

Marlene tapped her foot in sync with the beat of the drums, giving Dorcas an affectionate kiss on the cheek. “Well then, my gorgeous girlfriend, shall we dance to this song? For sentimental purposes?” 

“Lead the way, lover,” Dorcas grinned as Marlene pulled her forward by the arm sitting around her waist. 

“You agreed to start dating while dancing to ABBA?” Once again, a horrified Remus was ignored. Still miffed at the song choice while a perfectly good song was playing, Remus glowered at a laughing Lily and Mary. “Not all of us have a terrible taste in music, Moony darling.” Mary cooed. 

His glare went straight to the record player, only to find James merrily skipping away from it, holding his wand like the microphones he has seen from Remus’s posters, pointing to random students in the crowd where the song permitted. 

Where was Sirius to manage this atrocity? Actually, nevermind, Sirius tends to be drawn to ABBA songs as well — there was no one else to back him up. 

Cause somewhere in the crowd there’s you…

While there were some people oblivious to the charms of James Potter, too wrapped up in their own bubble, like Dorcas and Marlene. Remus wasn’t quite sure if what they were doing was classified as dancing, if all they did was kiss each other on the dance floor. He was fairly certain he saw flashes of tongue too. He preferred to turn back to watch James enchant the whole of Gryffindor tower, which was what he did. 

For the next few minutes, James had now captivated the entire room, dancing and singing his way around, his hand reaching up to mess with his hair, his glasses perched on the tip of his nose, eyes alive with mirth. 

James always had the talent of singing. Remus was pretty certain he had gotten the talent from his father, and he wasn’t blind to the fact that he could basically hypnotize a crowd with his vocal talents if he wanted to. Most of the time, James usually sang just for the sake of fun. But for tonight, at least these few minutes, it seems, James had a motive for singing. 

James had the whole tower mesmerised, all eyes on him, girls in awe and probably swooning, yet the only person his hazel eyes sought was an equally entranced pair of green almond eyes, as though she had forgotten that her bewitchment was against her will. 

Tonight the super trouper beams are gonna blind me, but I won’t feel blue…

Remus exchanged glances with Mary, feeling his eyebrows raised, and all Mary had responded in return was a wink with her signature grin. 

Like I always do…

James made his way across the room, everyone still enthralled by his clear voice, another sort of magic that enchanted the crowds. 

‘Cause somewhere in the crowd…

He came to a pause in front of Lily, who seemed physically incapable of wrenching her glance away from him. 

James was more commonly coined the sun, but if he were the sun…Remus wasn’t sure what to call Lily. Too fiery, too human to be termed something as ethereal and distant as astronomy, but too aerial to be considered as something mortal. 

All he knew was, this thing between James and Lily…it could either end with both sparks joined together, coexisting as fireworks to beautify the world, or cause a wildfire that would burn down everything they’ve ever touched. They were both vivid colours that erupt loudly, and only time could tell if a pair of green eyes would ever look at hazel eyes with affection. 

Remus prayed that the goddess of timing found them beguiling. 

No one would ever survive a world where the tension between Lily Evans and James Potter turned from potential romance to outright hostility. 

There’s you…

James’s hand was reaching out to Lily, his gaze locked with hers, eyes pleading with her to take it. Go on, he seemed to say. Go out with me. 

Remus hasn’t seen her chest rise with the intake of a breath for a while. 

Lily could deny it all she liked, but there’s always been something between them that reeled the other in, orbiting around each other. It’s always been that way. She could cover it with loud detests, but the only reason why arguments or loud protests sparked us was because there was something about Lily Evans that ensnared James Potter too much to ignore, and vice versa. 

Remus glanced at Mary again, only to find out she had beat him to it. 

Twenty sickles say she raises her hand for a split second before turning him down in front of the entire common room, Mary mouthed. 

You’re on, Remus returned. Seeing how entranced Lily was, Remus wouldn’t be surprised if she only catches herself at the very last second before pulling her hand back. 

Mary, whose sitting position placed her firmly behind Lily’s back so that any of her movements would remain undetected should they break her trance, winked again and sipped her butterbeer in acknowledgement. 

Remus went back to focusing on Lily’s hand. It twitched, once, twice, before lifting up and— 

“Nice try, Potter.” Lily said, voice practically inaudible, yet steady and seemingly unaffected, hand lowering to rest on the couch again. The crowd was entirely silent, listening to her response, enraptured. “But you forget easily; I’m too smart to be seduced by your serenades.” 

James simply grinned, taking a step back to bow to Lily, rather flushed himself. He flashed Lily a knowing grin — the only kind Remus has seen directed at Lily when he knows he’s been outmanoeuvred. “Apologies, my lady. I’ll try harder. Until next time.” 

Remus was going to fling himself off the astronomy tower. 

Now that the show was over, everyone else went back to their own businesses, gossiping with others. From what he overheard, it’s either about James singing, James and Lily’s latest episode, or the most recent way James got rejected again by the one girl he claimed held his heart for three years. 

The music faded into the background now that the sound of chatter was brought back to life again. 

“Really?” Remus hissed at Lily, whose cheeks were burning red. “You couldn’t lift your hand up for another half a second?” 

“Wait, what?” Lily was struggling to keep up with his focus on things she deemed unimportant. She probably had thought her friends were going to smirk at her for her own helplessness when it came to James. “What do you mean?” 

“What he means, Lily dearest, was that he miscalculated your reaction when James held his hand out for yours. I bet that you would reject him after lifting your hand for a split second. Remus didn’t believe me. Now, he does,” Mary turned to Remus triumphantly, eyes gleaming with euphoric victory. “Twenty sickles, dear Remus.” 

“I’ll give it to you later,” he narrowed his eyes at Mary. 

“I’ll just go get a drink,” Lily rose to her feet, still not looking anyone in the eye. “Two shots of firewhisky, maybe…” 

“Get me one, too!” Mary called after her. Lily had just barely disappeared into the thick of the crowd again, her red hair vanishing into the sea of bodies, when a shout gripped the room’s attention. 

“Prongs! Somebody please tell me he didn’t get himself turned down by Lady Red on my birthday?” 

Remus followed the sound to see Sirius Black lounging on the stairs railing, his classic leather jacket matching with the one Marlene had, denim jeans with Doc Martens, his hair cascading down his back with nothing to hold them back. His multiple earring piercings glinted under the light, bringing out the glint in his eyes. 

Even from the distance, it was easy to tell he had his blinding smile on, charming enough to get anything he wanted. 

The lingering silence from James’s performance was shaken off as the party cheered at the arrival of the guest of honour. 

“Well, folks, why am I not seeing more action? Just because Messr Prongs here got rejected, doesn’t mean it’s an omen of your luck tonight!” 

Laughter broke out throughout the crowds, its volume further increasing when Sirius waved back at James’s middle finger. 

As he descended down the flight of stairs, looking like the radiant star he was named after, the details of his makeup became clearer once he reached the common room. 

Remus felt like he got punched through the stomach when a closer look revealed a more complicated makeup style that Sirius would have gone for on a daily basis, yet somehow making him look like the cruelest summer affair. Drop dead stunning. 

It was unfair that he had to revert back to the olden times where Sirius would literally do nothing but exist, and Remus would be driven to his knees. And not that Sirius could ever know, because if he knew what unforgivable crimes Remus has committed, he probably wouldn’t have ever let him approach him with a ten foot pole. 

Baby, it’s better to forget me…

Whichever ABBA song was unfortunately playing in the background, he strongly related to that one line. His only regret was relating to an ABBA song, of all things. 

It was even more so when that smirk Sirius was wearing resembled the ones he used to have on his face when he was trying to plan how to get Remus to kiss him, but he would always fail, because Remus would always catch him trying to plan. 

It never mattered anyway, because Remus would have kissed him. 

He looked up to find Lily, in a corner of the room, but within sight, casting him a pitying glance, the expression on her face enough to make him knock back another gulp of the firewhisky he had forgotten he still held in his hand up until now. 

Trying to ignore what she was trying to communicate wordlessly, Remus tried to look for the other girls, hoping that their nights would at least be going better than his currently was. 

Dorcas and Marlene were both still smiling dancing with each other, ignoring their surroundings, oblivious to anything but the bliss that consisted of each other. 

“I’m feeling like spending tonight in a guy’s bed.” Out of nowhere, Mary declared into the silence between them, surprising Remus so much that he jumped a little. “Any suggestions on who my target should be tonight?” 

“Uh…” Deciding not to question Mary’s sudden decision, Remus surveyed the room, naming the first person he saw. “Gilderoy Lockhart?” 

Mary spat out her butterbeer. “Tell me you’re joking.” 

“He could be an interesting challenge, if you think about it.” Remus, too prideful to go back on his words, attempted to justify his suggestion. His mouth, however, betrayed his hilarity when it started to twitch. 

The first huff of laughter came when Mary gently slapped his head. “Don’t be mean.” 

“Tell you what,” Remus murmured, “Go dance on the dance floor. First boy you deem acceptably decent does some pair dancing with you, that’s your guy for the night.” 

Mary made a humming noise of consideration as she contemplated on his idea. “That could work. I’ll do that.”

“Don’t fail, Macdonald.” Remus bid her a temporary farewell. 

“You know I wouldn’t, Lupin.” 

Chapter Text

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Hours had passed by, and still no one with decent taste had stepped in to change the music. Those who haven't passed out or gone to bed, at least. There were only a handful of people still partying, and an even lesser amount sober. Probably none. 

Remus was sick and tired of ABBA. 

Remus supposed he could, but anytime someone changed the song, James, who was leading the dance floor and the singing, would yell for them to come join the dance, and Remus really didn't want to be subjected to such atrocities. 

But no one else could resist the call of ABBA. (Horrifying, really. Remus didn't know Hogwarts was in such dire need of a better music taste.) Mary, Marlene and Dorcas had already been dancing — and by the looks of it, Mary still hasn't found a decent dance partner yet — and Lily had joined the dance floor too, shooting James a nasty look when he tried to dance with her. Peter was still out of Remus's sight. 

Remus couldn't care less about them, however. Not when Sirius was there, with hair plastered to his skin with sweat from hours of dancing, his uproarious laughter like a shining star in the dark, pulling Remus to him like the ethereal force of a star he was. 

Hours had passed by, yet Sirius kept on dancing, reciting lyrics from ABBA that he knew by heart, switching dance partners constantly, while the only thing Remus switched after he was finished was the firewhisky glass bottles. Was he on his third one? Or fourth? Or second? He couldn’t quite tell. 

Remus tried to suppress the yearning in him, but it was growing like a void, and every thought or attempt to ignore it was futile. 

He missed the grins Sirius would direct at him, missed the times where Sirius would try numerous times to get Remus to dance with him, always whining about how special occasions merits a special memory of Remus dancing. 

Bloody hell, Remus would waltz in the common room right now to get one of Sirius's looks, not unlike the one he was giving to a girl right now—

Rewind. Giving a look to a girl? 

Remus snapped back to attention, observing what he had been staring absentmindedly for a while now, internally collecting the drunken pieces of himself, hoping against all odds he had just hallucinated his nightmare. 

Sirius was leaning way too much towards the girl he was talking to, eyes on her mouth, his own lips crooked in a half smile, dripping with seduction from every pore. 

His hand lifted her chin, like how he did to Remus a while ago when he wanted him to take a break from studying to eat a pumpkin pasty, tenderly tucking a lock of hair behind the girl's ear, dancing forgotten. 

Remus didn't dare look at the girl's face, instead looking down. Not again. 

Not again. 

It was just like the months before they got together. 

His breath caught in his throat. 

There would always be a girl hanging off Sirius's arm, batting her eyelashes at him or laughing far too loud. 

He was brought back to the present when a whistle nearly shattered his eardrums. James was cheering at Sirius, proudly shouting and wolf whistling at his “victory”. 

The whistles pierced his heart, carving an even bigger hole in his bleeding organ. 

His knuckles tightened, and he risked looking up. 

Big mistake. 

And Remus's insides were being shredded like glass. Breaths left him in shallow pants, as though Sirius was taking his air while he kissed someone else. 

The girl and Sirius were still sucking each other's face, caring less about their surroundings with each passing moment. 

Desperate to look at anything but the love of his life being intimate with another, he looked around. 

Second big mistake. 

Peter had finally surfaced, Remus finding him with his chess club, his chubby cheeks rosy with butterbeer as he cheered Sirius on along with James, both unaware of the torment engulfing Remus. 

Marlene and Dorcas had paused in their dancing — for hours, how did they get that stamina? — when the sudden whoop from the crowds distracted them. One look at the room and they had instantly caught up, fretful glances aimed at Remus. 

Mary had stopped her dancing midway with another bloke, her concerned brown eyes dark against the orange glow of the firelight, her worried expression at odds with her vibrant outfit. 

And Lily was casting Remus pitying stares, downing her firewhisky in three quick gulps before making her way over, probably to comfort him. 

Sympathy from the girls resembled a warm blanket in a heated room while the air was feverish — Remus was unsure whether to tuck himself beneath the comfort of the blanket, or to kick it off the bed. 

Wanting to dull it all, he took a swing of firewhiskey; the fiery liquid that burnt down his throat did absolutely nothing to soothe his sorrows. 

Unwilling to subject himself to vulnerability, or preferring to not face sympathy, he turned away, only to forget the initial reasons why the girls were pitying him. 

Sirius's hands were now all over the girl, the blatant make out on the dance floor egged on by the shouts of encouragement from the common room. He was pretty sure he saw flashes of tongue, too. 

Remus was certain that his worst moons hurt less than watching this. 

The screams of approval hanging in the air, the girls’ gazes coating Remus like slick oil, and the origin of it all were too much. 

He abruptly stood up, ignoring the drunken frowns of others as he disrupted their activities with his sudden motion, stumbling. 

Merlin, his head hurt. Or was it his heart? 

He didn't know where his destination was; he only knew that he couldn't keep indulging himself in poison by watching what he wanted most, dancing tantalizingly out of his reach, and that he had to get away. 

Away from the lucky girl Sirius laid his eyes and mouth on.

Away from the urging of James and Peter cheering Sirius on — not knowing anything, they were merely being supportive, and really, whose fault is that? 

And far, far away from the painful reminder that Sirius wasn't his anymore, and that he was free to flirt as he pleases. 

Inebriated by firewhiskey, Remus followed wherever his footsteps led him, and he found himself blinking in the dim lights of his dorm. 

He blinked. If he were to hide away from Sirius — and the girl — was the dorm really the best idea? 

A part of him tensed, wanting to bolt downstairs and out of the Gryffindor areas to camp the night somewhere else. 

But the impending thought that should he leave the comfort of the dorm and back downstairs, he would still have to face them. 

Whatever restless part of him that was eager to keep moving died down, instead content to stay cooped up in the unknown area of the dorm. The less he had to see Sirius flirting with someone else, the better. 

Remus tripped over carelessly discarded socks (were they James’s? Disgusting) on his way, and with some drunken obscenities, he finally managed to sit on the windowsill, pulling his knees towards him as he chugged down another large gulp of the alcohol — it’s a miracle how he could still hold onto the bottle. 

Now that he was settled comfortably in a spot, Remus peered at his surroundings. Moonlight filtered through the slightly fogged window, providing just enough moonlight for him to see the bottle in his hands. 

As much as he didn’t want to think about his sorry life and the twists and turns it had made so far, there was no way to escape them. He studied the mist covering the window, inattentively swirling the bottle in clockwise movements, losing track of time. 

He startled slightly when a clink reverberated into the empty air, the bottle having made contact with something wrought from metal. Frowning, he patted his chest — where the sound had come from — tugging the locket out when he recalled its existence. 

He turned the locket over, examining the intricate details, quietly stewing over all the memories it now contained — literally. Was that what he was now? A ghost, haunting a past where no one would remember it? The people who meant the most to him, only to have completely forgotten about him? 

He couldn’t complain or rage, of course. The whole issue was on him. You deserved it, the voices in his head whispered, dragging him into the depths of despair stored in his head. It’s all your fault for causing this. 

You were lucky to even taste this paradise anyway. You weren’t meant to be here in the first place. 

I know, Remus wanted to reply. It’s nothing that hasn’t circulated in my head for five years. 

His trembling fingers tenderly opened the locket, gently trailing over the side where the memories were contained. If he squinted close enough, there were faint movements from the swirling mist, like a reenactment of the memory it held. Remus moved closer, desperate to spot a memory that would keep his cold heart warm, but everything was spinning now, likely a result from his drinking, but he just wanted to see what was going on in the memories—

“You weren’t at the party.” 

Spooked, the locket slammed shut, and Remus fumbled to grab his firewhiskey bottle that nearly slipped off the edge of the windowsill. Glancing upwards, towards a silhouette leaning against the door, was none other than Sirius Black. 

If being surprised at his sudden presence left Remus taken aback, the fact that had just caught up in his head that the two of them were alone in their dorm were on the verge of giving him a heart attack; one free of guilt and drunk on the party his birthday brought, the other shackled in a cage of sin and remorse, tied there by helplessness and the lack of hope. 

“Wanted some quiet.” 

Despite his face being mostly hidden in shadows, Remus could still catch the way Sirius’s face fell at his monotone and vague reply. 

What did he have to defend himself with? He had never enjoyed seeing Sirius miserable — the first few days after Sirius’s prank on Snape, in addition to his own fear that he had nearly killed a fellow student, watching the torment play out on Sirius's face had also crushed him. 

So, unable to stomach the look on Sirius’s crestfallen face, and willing to do anything to get rid of it, Remus wordlessly offered his firewhiskey, watching the pale moonlight crept up on Sirius as he approached him to receive the bottle. 

The glaze in his eyes and the careless actions — while still being graceful — gave away his level of sobriety. Amazingly, his makeup is still rather intact, which should be illegal, for how lethal it is with a combination of Sirius and makeup. That sharp eyeliner and lipstick, particularly. Remus’s fingers twitched in longing at the thought of ruining it. 

However, as Sirius joined Remus on the windowsill to accept the bottle and sipped from it, the movement revealed a smattering of lipsticks all over his neck, some smudged, some still in pristine condition. 

Remus’s heart clenched when he thought of how Sirius got them. Anguish slowly trickled into rage, and he tried to make an offhand remark to coax Sirius to leave before he did something he shouldn’t. 

“Won’t those downstairs look for the birthday boy?” He drawled, unsure if he managed to keep the desperation out of his voice. 

Despite the gruff voice piercing the silence unexpectedly, Sirius didn’t even bat an eyelash when he answered curtly. “They’ll manage.” 

Huh. That’s something Remus had seldom heard from Sirius. Sirius was one to give in to dramatics, typically wailing on how the crowd would grieve in his absence, and then mentioning how it would do if he came back late to surprise everyone. 

Then again, a drunk Sirius always showed more sincerity. Sometimes, that exact reason was why he avoided alcohol at formal events, preferring to avoid revealing his heart to the whole school. 

Sirius waved off the questioning look, mimicking zipping his mouth shut before he attempted to swallow another guzzle of firewhiskey, dismissing Remus entirely. 

Maybe it was the drinks. Maybe it was his unguarded walls tumbling down for the night. Maybe it was the dim moonlight setting black curls and full lips in a glow. Maybe it was the knowledge that they were both alone in the dorm, but Remus, not to be ignored for a nearly empty bottle of firewhiskey, at that moment, reached over to snatch the bottle back, raising an eyebrow at Sirius when he looked over, offended. 

Godric jumping off a cliff, the voice in his head grumbled, it probably was the drinks. 

Sirius narrowed his eyes, silently demanding for the bottle return. 

Remus maintained his cool look, refusing to yield. Even in his drunken state, Sirius would know what was the price to pay for Remus to release the bottle from hostage. 

Minutes, seconds, or hours later, Sirius’s lip curled, looking away, refusing to acknowledge his defeat in the silent standoff, but still relenting. Remus was mildly stunned. Perhaps it was the firewhiskey that pushed him to do such, but still, when Sirius does not want to divulge something, he always gets his way. 

“They always make do. I may be the star of the show, constantly under the spotlight, but it’s never about me. It’s always about The Sirius Black, heartthrob, Quidditch player, heir to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. They don’t ever notice me for me. Well, tough luck, because I’m disowned now. It’s a miracle that people who aren’t my enemies still want anything to do with me, still accepting me, still caring. But no matter what, they’ll never actually notice the real me.” 

“I notice,” Remus said quietly. “I’ll always notice everything about the real you.” 

And in the ensuing silence, Sirius said absolutely nothing, until Remus was wondering if he had even heard what he mentioned. If he did, Remus was starting to regret blurting his thoughts out without filtering them. Was that too close to a love confession? 

“Do you?” The words left Sirius’s full lips in a hushed murmur, the look in his eyes starting to bear similarity to the ones he would use to give Remus. 

The words settled and structured themselves around them, like the setting of an oath. Something in Remus sensed that his next words would be the reply to the question of a vow. 

“I notice the way you scrunch your nose when you accidentally draw blood because your fingers were too near a quill when you applied too much force,” Sirius’s gray eyes were fixated on Remus’s, dark like clouds in a thunderstorm, an irresistible force brewing in those shades of gray. 

“I notice the way you chew your lip whenever you’re pondering about some things, lost to the wonders in your head,” There’s a saying that eyes are windows to the soul, right? That would explain why Remus felt stripped to his core with the way Sirius’s eyes bore into his, penetrating through his muscles, tissues, cells, diving even deeper, as though he was peering into his soul with no difficulty. 

“I notice the way you fight so hard to keep your carefree persona, to act like nothing affects you, that you don’t care at all, when it’s the exact opposite. You care too much. I notice that. I notice more. I notice everything about you.” 

It was getting harder and harder to move his mouth, for the way Sirius’s eyes dropped to his mouth, Remus could feel the weight of his gaze hanging off his lips. And Godric, it was working. 

Whatever words he was going to keep on saying died in his throat as Sirius’s tongue darted out to lick his lips, his glazed gray eyes flickering upwards to meet his own. Except this time, Remus suspected that they were merely intoxicated from something more than just firewhiskey. 

The temperature around them had heightened to levels akin to feverish, heat wrapping itself around him, as though one spark would be all that was required to set everything aflame. 

Before either of them knew it, they were both leaning towards each other, breathing the same air, feeling the ghost of each other’s exhale caress the other. Sirius’s eyes, shining in the dark, face tilted upwards just the slightest to meet him. 

And distantly, he heard a voice in his head, muttering about how unwise and ill advised this course of action was. He’s drunk, Remus justified, rather pathetically. He won’t remember it.

He knew how foolish this would be, of course. Removing Sirius's memories was already a low blow, and no relationship would ever thrive without complete trust, assuming he was even lucky enough to get into a relationship with him. 

Fat chance. 

But he wanted just a taste, something to tie himself over for the rest of the school year… Seeing him would be hard enough, why pass up a golden opportunity to kiss him in secret? He wouldn't even remember anything in the morning. 

He's not himself. Are you going to lie and lie and lie again every time you see him? The stack of untruths piling up with every passing moment? 

That thought alone made his blood run cold, pulling him out of whatever trance he had entered. 

“Remus…” Sirius's eyes, gray and pleading, were probably enough to persuade Remus to do whatever he wanted. He nearly gave in right at that moment. “Just this one time, please. It's likely we wouldn't even remember it in the morning.”

I wouldn't, Remus wanted to argue, ice still running through his veins. Nothing could ever make me forget it. 

It killed a piece of him to do so, and it took every inch of self control he had mastered since he turned into a werewolf to avoid lunging himself at Sirius, whose eyes were still pinning him with that undeniable lust, but he pulled himself back. 

The noise Sirius made was equivalent to an executioner's axe falling. Remus could deal with the axe falling to seal his fate, but don't expect him to look the executioner in the eye. 

Without looking at the source of the broken noise, Remus scrambled to his feet, dodging Sirius's extended hands, which were intending to hold him back from escaping, and fled out the dorm, hoping Sirius wouldn’t follow. 

By the time he had stumbled downstairs to the common room, it was already extremely late (or extremely early, depending on how you look at it), the partygoers attendance dwindling to a handful. Sirius still had not stumbled after him. Remus was torn between relief and disappointment.  

Lily was curled up by the fireplace, expression stormy as she shot a poisonous look at a hurriedly retreating bloke, green eyes narrowed into venomous slits. 

Without another word, Remus collapsed into the couch where Lily was sitting, taking care not to land on her. “Who pissed you off?” 

“Some asshole who didn't even give me the decency of introducing himself before he tried to sexually harass me,” Lily fumed. “Does no one educate them on the meaning of without consent?”

Although the last Remus had seen of Lily was her guzzling down multiple shots of firewhiskey, she seemed — and sounded — perfectly sober. 

Remus couldn't offer any condolence; for what could he say to such awfulness? Since the start of their friendship, Lily had given thorough lectures regarding feminism and gender equality, showing Remus how unfair it was for women. He could only lend a listening ear while Lily rants; it was the least he could do. 

“Boys constantly thinking they're entitled to us females. Do you know how many blokes I've had to hex away just because they thought they could sleep with me with a crook of their fingers without my own opinion?” She groused, looking about one incident away from ending the male population. 

Remus hoped she wouldn’t include his death as well. 

When it seemed that Lily was sufficiently complete with ranting about boys, he decided to steer her thoughts in another direction, far away from stewing over murder. “Where are the others?” 

Knowing green eyes snapped over to him, blinking once in gratitude. “Marlene and Dorcas are in the dorm, having deemed their alcohol capacity for tonight full — I think I’ll head upstairs after a long, long time, if I do at all.” 

Embarrassed by her implications, Remus hid his face in his hands, ignoring Lily’s amused chuckle at her reaction. 

“Mary went off with another guy — Davy, I think? She was quite impressed with his dancing, but she knows how to defend herself should the need arise. Besides, after Mulciber, we’ve all made emergency foolproof plans should things go bad. Potter left with Gideon. Hope those drunk idiots won’t be attempting to fly on broomsticks, or they’ll deserve what’s coming to them,” Lily finished. 

Remus lowered his hands, raised an eyebrow, interest piqued. “Been watching Potter, eh, Lily?” 

Even with the orange glow from the fire dancing all over her face, it was quite obvious how the blood rushed to her cheeks so scarlet, it was practically maroon. “Peter went off with Hestia Jones! Very nice member of the book club he’s in!” 

He couldn’t hold in his laughter at the mortification in Lily’s eyes. “Chess, Lily. He’s in a chess club.” 

“Oh, Merlin.” Lily sank back into the couch, groaning. Remus cackled at her reaction, before deeming the glow of the firelight too harsh against his drooping eyelids. He covered the upper part of his face with his elbow, relief blossoming in him as drowsiness approached him. 

He could hear Lily rolling her eyes, before she changed the subject, still ignoring the flush on her face, probably a few shades away from matching her fiery red hair. “Teasing and laughter aside, what happened?” 

Remus lifted his elbow just high enough to open one eye. “Pardon?” 

Once the black spots settled enough for his vision to function, he was met with a pair of stern almond eyes, determined to fish out the answers she wanted. “Don’t play dumb, Remus. You’re insulting the both of us.” 

“Nothing, just…” He trailed off, brain too befuddled to come up with a clever reply to skirt around the topic. 

“First off, I saw Sirius flirting with, and then kissing Amelia Bones. Afterwards, I saw him going upstairs maybe half an hour after you left for your dorm. Now, less than fifteen minutes later, you’re leaving the dorm as quickly as you can in your horrendously drunken state — honestly, Remus, it’s a miracle you haven’t tripped and fallen on your face — so don’t bother trying to lie to me, saying it’s nothing.” Lily said flippantly. 

Stunned into silence by Lily’s words, she pulled the words right from his mouth. “I almost kissed Sirius.” 

The following quiet gave away Lily’s speechlessness at his recklessness. Remus closed his eyes to brace himself for a beratement. 

“You what?” Lily echoed. Remus imagined her face being pale in a second, a full one eighty from her crimson face. “Remus, tell me that the couple shots of firewhiskey I did a few hours ago suddenly kicked in and that’s why I’m mishearing you.” 

“The couple shots of firewhiskey you did a few hours ago suddenly kicked in and that’s why you’re mishearing me.” 

“How the hell did it even escalate to that point?” 

“You’re asking me.” 

The silence had stretched on long enough the Remus had opened his eyes again. 

Her hands were covering her mouth, eyes covered in a layer of sheen. “Oh, Remus…” 

And her tone conveyed everything her words couldn’t. 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

You’re a fucking idiot, you know that? 

I’m here, if you need a shoulder to cry on. 

And being with Lily felt like spring’s embrace, ready to shoulder any burden he was crumbling under and needed a helping hand. That she was lively colours on blossoming flowers, a picturesque sight to behold, something that should have been utterly distant with someone like him, who was the furthest thing from sunshine and paradise. 

That under all the warm smiles and laughter she could coax from others, she would always reserve a spot for him, ready to stand by his side without hesitation, without an explanation. 

Lily was spring with a hint of thunderstorms, always being kind and unapologetically herself, refusing to back down just to satisfy strangers, yet balancing her sharp tongue and humbling people the moment they cross her boundaries. 

If Lily and Remus were on a scale, he would probably be on the extreme end. Sirius pulling that prank had been one thing, but Remus’s reactions were another. Had it happened to Lily, she probably would have handled everything in an hour, max. 

Instead, it happened to him, and it had resulted in the worst cases happening. 

The marauders had completely forgotten about him, courtesy of his own hand. 

James didn’t sheepishly grin with amusement when Remus yelled at him for leaving his part of the dorm horrendously messy anymore. 

Peter stopped waiting for him after classes to walk to their next class together, scoffing at the shenanigans of James and Sirius, casually trading ideas for their next prank. 

Sirius…Sirius stopped aiming that Sirius Black grin at him. 

And it was all his fault. The threads were back again, this time balled up in his throat, some making their way to tie themselves over his heart, squeezing every last inch of guilt back out. 

A monster. That’s what you are. 

And now he had to make it all worse, going around trying to kiss Sirius when he had been freshly obliviated by him, when he was supposed to have kept on pretending to be a mere acquaintance, like he hadn’t been loved by all of them, like they hadn’t fiercely protected his secrets, even using illegal means to help him when they could have simply rejected him all those years ago. 

And this was how he repaid them. 

Lily, what do I do? His ears rang with the unasked question. 

A gentle hand brushed his hair in soothing strokes, the movements somewhat helping him calm down. 

“You have to hold on, Remus,” Lily spoke softly. Apparently, he had mumbled his words out loud. She had shifted closer to him by then, enough so his head could feel the side of her thigh. 

A thumb swiped at the corner of his eyes, Remus blinking as her finger moved back slightly to reveal the shine of tears. Had he been crying? 

“You have to hold on.”

Chapter Text

*＊✿❀○❀✿＊*

Sirius’s birthday quickly faded into December. And in December, the winter break was ushered in soon enough, urging those who wanted to reunite with their families to pay them a visit. 

Thankfully, the full moon had made its monthly appearance in the first week, so Remus was free to spend the rest of the winter break werewolf-free. 

Not scar-free, though. More vicious slashes had made their way across his body, some creeping past the disguising neckline and visible across his face. Each month brought Pomfrey closer to a heart attack, with the Wolf toying the line between life and death like a jump rope. Sometimes, he would wake up to the girls around his bed with Lily’s freckles even more visible against her white face, Dorcas’s terror-stricken face, Marlene’s attempt at a brave smile falling apart, and Mary squeezing his hand in gratitude. 

Remus had already drafted the letter to his father for the upcoming winter break, mentioning how he had no desire to return back home, and would likely spend the rest of the break in school. 

What he didn't expect was James thrillingly waving the letter from his mother in the privacy of their dorm, while Sirius and Peter snacked on the delights the generous Effie Potter had delivered via owl. 

Sirius had found Effie’s homemade cookies at the bottom of the large box of treats she had sent them, and sought to hog them all selfishly. 

Peter, sensing Sirius’s intentions, had lunged for the treats in his hand, demanding for Effie’s prized desserts. 

Both boys now had their wands out, hurling insults and jinxes, defending the untouched cookies, while simultaneously cramming more of Effie’s golden foods out of the other’s reach. 

“Mom’s weekly letters arrived! Along with a strict order to have every one of you over for Christmas — you, too, Remus,” James nodded to the general direction of Remus’s bed, where he was tucked. 

Remus’s head snapped up from his Potions textbook. “Me?” 

In all fairness, he always had an invitation over to the Potters whenever the holidays had arrived. Effie and Monty weren’t completely aware of Remus’s home situation, only knowing that there was a long term problem, which only fueled their determination to host him whenever possible. 

But he had panicked earlier in June, rejecting their offer to stay over. Remus was afraid that Effie’s sharp eyes would pick out his guilt, no matter how well concealed, and they would discover yet another skeleton in his closet. Except, this time, the bones would be borne of crimes against their son, and instead of accepting an outcast, this time they would kick one out. 

“Mom’s not having you back out this time, mate,” James declared, relaying the rest of Effie’s message. “Unless you’ve got a valid reason where you have to provide concrete and undeniable proof which she can’t do anything about, she’s determined to have you for Christmas since you didn’t come during June.” 

“Well—” Would time blur Effie and Monty’s memory of him? It would be more challenging for them to read his remorse, wouldn’t it? Remus chewed on his lip, debating the merits and disadvantages of both possibilities. 

“Come on, Remus,” Peter pipped up eventually, offering him a chocolate frog. “Don’t leave me alone with these two clowns.” 

Peter was breaking out of his hermit shell to talk more to Remus recently, despite being obliviated. Something in his chest squeezed, gratitude gushing out of his bleeding heart. 

“I look far better than some clown, you idiot,” Sirius retorted, before fixing those bewitching grey eyes on him, expression earnest. “But really, Moony, won’t you just humour us? You wouldn’t turn me down, would you? Or cruelly ignore the Potters’ pleas? Have a heart!” 

“I—” Remus was floundering. Peter extending a hand to encourage him to join had already started crumbling his guarded walls, but Sirius? Sirius had blasted them to smithereens. The Potters could simply walk in to place a little flag of victory as the final touch, like how muggles planted a flag on the moon. 

“C’mon, mate,” James’s soft voice seemed to gently prod him, tearing his eyes away from the sight of Sirius’s undivided attention to meet James’s tentative ones. “Don’t leave my mother hanging.” 

And at the memory of the motherly embraces Effie would always gift him on arrival, and the steady comfort of Monty’s presence, Effie’s loving, unfazed eyes and Monty’s deep-bellied laughter, the yearning to see them and dive into their awaiting arms had finally broken from its shackles. 

“Fine.” Remus hoped he didn’t seem like he folded the instant Peter and Sirius offered. 

Of the three boys that gave a returning grin, only Peter’s spoke of holding his own secrets. 

『••✎••』

By the third week of school, those preparing to return home for the holidays were in a frenzy, conducting final checks on their bags, bidding schoolmates farewell, making a mad dash for their dorms when they realized that they had forgotten essentials, grumbling about the freezing temperatures the December weather had plunged into. 

The trip to Britain from Hogwarts was a hazy one, filled with boisterous laughter and shenanigans, only calming slightly when the girls stopped by to wave them goodbye as the Hogwarts Express neared platform 9¾. 

Mary had cocked her head to the side at the entrance to their train carriage, wordlessly checking in on Remus’s welfare and his feelings at visiting the Potters while balancing the act of…well, everything. 

Remus didn’t bother to give any sort of false confidence Mary would have been able to identify within seconds. 

“Oh, cheer up, Remus,” Marlene reassured. “You won’t be dealing with arrogant male company all Christmas — I’ll be visiting too.” 

Peter grinned at her. “You act like you aren’t as arrogant as us, or even more, Marls.” 

“I hide it better,” Marlene’s answering smirk was a mockery of arrogance, causing at least half the group to break into chuckles. 

Peter, James, and Marlene were all childhood friends, so it wasn’t uncommon for Marlene to swing by during the holidays as well, seeing as how James and Marlene were on the Quidditch team — another common ground between them. Peter would always join them when they were playing on broomsticks, though recently would be on the ground running a commentary, yelling observations and his own opinions so much that it was another challenge altogether to not burst into laughter mid game. 

“Mcdonalds, Evans, Meadowes? My mom wouldn’t ask outright, but she would be ecstatic to have you over,” James, ever the gracious Potter host, extended the invitations to the rest of the girls. His question was no mere polite action, either. Sincerity leaked from his words, genuine eagerness churning in those hazel eyes. Sirius looked over, mildly amused, trying to spot his motives to spend more time with Lily. 

“Remains to be seen,” Dorcas answered. But one look at her adoring gazes at Marlene, and Remus knew that she would do anything in her power to spend more time with Marlene. 

“I hardly spend enough time as it is with my own family, overseas in this school with you morons,” Mary replied, no heat in her scathing words, just pure fondness. “I’m not going to sacrifice more time to you louts. Perhaps next time.” 

James beamed. “I’ll hold you to that. Evans? No urge to see me more?” 

“That would be your delusions, Potter,” Lily said smoothly, her unimpressed eyes boring into James’s. Remus privately thought that as long as James had Lily’s attention, he couldn’t care less in what form it was — distaste or otherwise. “But no. I’ll be spending Christmas with my family, too.” 

And was it just a flicker of his imagination, or was that a hint of guilt tucked in the very corner of Lily’s green eyes? Mary hooked elbows with Lily, starting a murmured conversation. 

“That’s too bad for all of you,” Marlene interrupted Remus’s thoughts, drawing the group’s attention. “Effie’s so hot, and it would be such a shame for all of you to miss out on her beauty.” 

James groaned, slumping back into his seat, narrowly avoiding snapping his wand on the seat in half, courtesy of Peter. His wand sent James’s into the high ponytail of Lily, the latter too busy contemplating something to notice. 

Sirius did, though, winking at Remus and exchanging smug smiles with Peter. 

“Godric falling off a cliff, Marlene, stop with that obsession over my mother.” James bemoaned. 

Marlene cackled, turning to Dorcas with an air of a gossiping airhead. “No, really, she’s got these eyes, and her hair! And her smile? Beyond my wildest dreams.” Hand on her heart, she feigned a swoon, emphasising on her wide eyes when James ran a hand over his face. 

Dorcas raised her eyebrows, mimicking a vaguely intrigued expression. “So I’ve heard. Care to elaborate?” 

Godric’s sword, the reunion at the Potters would be quite a sight to behold. Remus couldn’t wait to witness the chaos. Or maybe he’s dreading it. He wasn’t so sure. 

Lily, still in conversation with Mary, made to adjust her ponytail, blinking rapidly when her hands came into contact with James’s wand. 

Mary’s head jerked to the wand’s owner, amusement and exasperation glittering in her eyes — or was that her muggle makeup? 

Lily must’ve been told whose wand was tucked into her hair, for her eyebrows were narrowed in reluctance, before glancing over to James. 

“McKinnon, I’m going to hex you—” James broke off abruptly when his hands couldn’t locate his wand. “Where’d my wand go?” 

“Perhaps you left it on the couch, Potter.” Lily suggested, turning around to leave the cabin. “Nice seeing you all, boys, but I’d best get moving before I die here of annoyance.” 

Mary exchanged amused glances with Remus, the former’s lips twitching as he realised what Lily was getting at. 

“Where did my wand go— Evans! Merlin, how’d she get it?” James exclaimed in exasperation, stumbling over his own two feet and everyone in his haste to reach for his wand. 

Remus joined in on everyone’s laughter. 

『••✎••』

Contrary to the moment in the carriage, Lily’s Christmas was a terrible one. 

Well, not completely. Her parents were absolutely delighted and pleased to finally see their daughter after six months without, and vice versa. Her mother had held Lily in such a tight grip that, had Lily not been gripping back just as hard, she probably would have suffocated. Her father’s love language didn’t lie in the physical affections, but the smile he shared with her was just as warm. 

Unfortunately, Lily’s only friends would be next seen when she was back in Hogwarts, and even though she knew they were merely an owl away, the lack of their presence still stung. All the friends she used to make were now reduced to polite acquaintances, separated by time and little interactions. 

There always was Severus, but Lily meant it when she wanted him out of her life. She refused to forgive someone who was so willing to cast her aside the moment he was humiliated. 

The most heartbreaking of it all was Petunia. 

Lily went back home, telling herself everything would finally change this year, that she would be able to change Tuney’s mind at last, and all would be right in the world. 

Her sister had still held a grudge against her, still hating her for having magic when she didn’t, and being seen as better. 

But I don’t want to, Lily wanted to scream when she saw Petunia’s unenthusiastic face with hints of disgust. I’d give it all up if I could just be Tuney’s little sister again, constantly laughing and her being gentle and sweet to me again. Lily hadn’t seen any hint of softness from her sister ever since she was 11, the night before she got her letter from Hogwarts. 

Sometimes, late at night, Lily regretted acknowledging and accepting that letter. 

Petunia had been nothing but stiff to her, and the only conversation they had exchanged upon Lily’s arrival was Petunia flaunting the fact that she had gotten a boyfriend — Vernon Dursley. 

Lily had met him the next day, when he came to pick Petunia up for a date. Big and beefy, he was one who shunned anything abnormal by societal means. Lily wasn’t certain how much Petunia had told him about her, but she wasn’t going to mention it much. She really didn’t know what her sister saw in him, apart from how borderline obsessive that boy was with making things normal (and utterly boring, in Lily’s private opinion). But he was polite towards her, and Lily didn’t want to ruin any ties she had — indirect or direct — to Petunia. 

The following day, Lily woke up determined — she would ask Petunia to hang out with her. A cup of tea in a cafe she had patronized as a child with her family, and maybe Petunia’s icy exterior would finally start to thaw. 

She didn’t even get that far. 

“I’m busy,” Petunia came downstairs, impeccably dressed. “I’m going out with Sabrina and Kelly.” 

“Oh,” Lily replied meekly. It seemed that she would have to postpone that to another day. 

Except it was constantly delayed. The day after was with Rhea and Jennifer, and then Elizabeth, or Melissa, or Amy, or Vernon. It was a never ending list of outings with her friends or boyfriend, and even when Lily tried to talk to Petunia afterwards, waiting in her room, the living room, or even tagging along (she tried that once — Petunia looked extremely close to cutting Lily’s hair in her sleep again), Petunia would always claim exhaustion, and retire into her room. Lily could only shut up and not visit her sister after weeks of trying. 

On the rare days Petunia was free, she would refuse to humour herself with Lily’s presence, the only exception during family dinners. Even then, she would chat with almost solely their parents, with cool politeness when talking to Lily was necessary. 

Lily wanted to sob. Petunia had turned into a bitter soul, living off resentment and envy, and she didn’t know how to help her sister. The magic her sister had resented her so much for having should be able to solve all problems, but even that couldn’t heal a gaping wound of jealousy and bitterness. 

Both the Evans girls were living in the signature Evans fire, but her sister's fire was turning green with detestment. And with each and every change Lily saw happen to her sister’s fire due to their difference, her own wilted and died down just a bit more. 

Christmas Day couldn’t come quick enough. The day had started off brilliantly, when Lily woke up to owls by her window, all carrying presents from her friends. She went downstairs to unwrap her father’s gift — a little wooden carving of an adorable sparrow, intricately carved, every detail made with love. Her father had a hobby of carving wood figurines, which made wood shavings found in every crevice of the house. 

“Just a little something to remind you to soar high, eh? And don’t forget to take a break when required.” Her father grinned at her in the living room, where Lily sat herself beside the Christmas tree. 

“Thanks, dad.” Her father was very fond of his hobby, which meant even more to Lily that he made a little figurine just for her. 

“Lily! I’ve got a little something for you, too,” her mother bustled over, cupping something in her hands. 

Lily peered at her mother’s hands, eyes widening when she caught sight of a gold necklace nestled there. “Is that the necklace from your jewelry box?” 

“The one and only.” 

When Lily was younger, she would frequently play with the contents of her mother’s jewelry box, but her favourite thing was a gold necklace and a diamond ring — she and Petunia would always bicker over who’s turn it was to wear them. 

She looked up at her mother, awed and grateful. “Will you put it on for me?” 

As her mother got to work, she updated Lily of her new travelling plans with her father. Sometime next April, they will be travelling abroad with their friends, so Lily shouldn’t be too worried if they don’t send their monthly letters to her. 

“Now, don’t forget we’ll be having our family dinner tonight, or maybe play some board games, so don’t be late!” Lily’s mother smiled at her, proceeding to chid at her father for leaving more wood shavings on the dining table. Lily beamed, hoping her parents would notice the wrapped gifts she left on their bedside table. 

Petunia had been in the corner all this time, tending to her own presents given by their parents, but now she came over, awkwardly handing her a gift — a little bouquet of paper petunias and lilies. 

“Thank you,” Lily said shyly, taking in the details of her sister’s profile, gauging her mood, the lack of open hostility today as Petunia accepted her thanks. 

“It’s fine.” Was it just her, or did Petunia seem less angry today? Less loathing, too? Whatever it was, it gave Lily just enough courage to timidly take out and hand her a wrapped gift. 

“I’ve got something for you, too,” Lily mumbled, hope seizing her. Timidly, she fished out and handed her sister a wrapped gift, watching mild curiosity spark in her eyes. 

Petunia opened it to reveal a little portrait, no bigger than a postcard. Framed with polished, decorated wood, the contents contained a moving sketch of Lily’s favourite memory with her sister. 

Autumn had arrived, and her mother had just swept the lawn and left the crunchy leaves in a giant pile, the golden and auburn colours shining in the weak morning sunlight. On a reckless impulse, Petunia, back when she wasn’t a stranger Lily once knew everything about, had leapt into the pile, giggling. Nine year old Lily, who had idolised her older sister, followed suit and nearly landed on an eleven year old Petunia. Petunia had shrieked and shoved at Lily, but it was all harmless and just for show, and they spent the rest of the morning jumping on leaves and chasing each other. 

They had both laughed so hard that day, united and together, unaware of the turmoil that would set them apart two years later. 

Lily had spent weeks on that present, eager to make her sister remember all the times they had fun, but now, watching her silent sister taking in the details, doubt sent her stomach plunging into her foot. What if Petunia despised it? 

“I’m— I’m working on a charm that would let it show all our fun times together—” The words tumbled from her mouth, rambling on and on, too afraid to watch her sister descend into horror. Oh, she was right, why did she even bother doing these? 

“Lily—”

“I know you got upset when I did this when I was eleven, but it was really too good of an idea to pass up—” Lily didn’t even need a Babbling Beverage, oh, she could keep on talking nonstop. 

“It’s abnormal.”

Something in Lily curled up on itself. “Tuney—” 

“It’s not normal, Lily, it’s horrible, and you’re trying to incorporate it into our family life, even though the rest of us can’t do the same? You’re still a freak, Lily.” Petunia’s eyes were narrowed, furious and resentful. 

A fool. A fool she was to even dare to hope. Lily was so upset she ran upstairs into her room, tucking her chin above her knees as she slid down against the locked door, tears streaming down her cheeks. 

The rest of the holidays passed in a blur, Petunia barely even remaining within her sight, probably too disgusted to see her. 

When she waved goodbye to her family on platform 9 and ¾ in London, Petunia didn’t once look her in the eye.

Chapter Text

──────⊹⊱✫⊰⊹──────

“Stop it, Black, if you want to fail your papers that's not my problem, but don't drag me down with you,” Lily snapped, irritated at being interrupted while studying for the third time in ten minutes. In hindsight, she supposed, any attempt to study near Sirius “studying will ruin my reputation” Black was a recipe for spectacular failure. 

Sirius grinned at her from his position by the bookshelves without a trace of remorse, where he had been picking books at random to read out loud. Lily wasn't so sure what his aim was by doing so, but befuddling her probably was a wonderful bonus. “Ah, Red, was I failing my papers when I scored higher than you in History of Magic? Or, perhaps, Charms?” 

“Bugger off,” Lily grumbled, muttering a few choice words she had picked up from her time with Remus. 

“Besides, Lady Red, you've been studying so much these days I've hardly had the opportunity to see you.” He threw her a Sirius Black grin, the one that had half the school scrambling to keep their cool. 

“You came here on the condition that you wouldn't interfere in my studies!” 

“That had been forty-five minutes ago, my patience isn't endless!” 

“Shhh! Silence!” Madam Pince hissed in their direction. Lily smiled sheepishly at the grumpy librarian, then turned an evil eye towards Sirius. 

“I thought you spent plenty of time with Remus in the library, how do you not have your patience trained?” 

Sirius pouted at her. “He has never treated me with such blatant disrespect, even when he gets focussed.” 

How this idiot was the one that got Remus into a besotted fool was beyond Lily. 

Lily sighed, pushing herself away from her papers and books. She had studied for quite a while, after all. May as well take a break. She racked her head for a subject change. 

A spark of curiosity finally struck Lily, accompanied by a little lightbulb to seek answers. Unbeknownst to Sirius, he did love Remus before, and, well, the journey it took was tedious, but what did he think of his unknown ex? 

Sirius looked mildly surprised to be asked that line of questioning, but he obliged. 

“Remus? Honestly, Red, is there something I should prepare James for?” He teased. 

Lily rolled her eyes. “Answer the question, Sirius.” 

Sirius sighed, mulling over his answer, brows furrowed. His silence sent Lily flashbacks to the past, where Sirius hadn't yet realised that Remus was his queer awakening, and never really knew how to define it into words. 

Lily blinked. If Remus was Sirius's queer awakening, does this mean that Sirius completely forgot he was bisexual? That was going to make for another lifetime of drama. Maybe she would have to hint to Sirius that he had the hots for boys as well. For one boy, in particular. Or was that in the past? 

“Frankly, Red, Remus is on another level. Have you seen his eyes? The colour of tainted honey, the way he smiles, I’m surprised he doesn’t have more blokes and girls asking him out,” Sirius mused, a frown of disapproval resting on his features, then in confusion, as though he had no idea why he disapproved the thought of his best friend having more romantic attention. 

“He’s also really thoughtful and sweet. I mean, did you know that he got me sunglasses just because he saw them and thought I would like them? Or saved chocolate frogs for me? He’s also an idiot.” A dramatic sigh. “He’s so infuriating in the morning when he just woke up — he once told me he’d get the giant squid to kidnap me if I muttered another word in his direction!” 

“I don’t know how to tell you this, Sirius, but you’re the idiot here,” Lily muttered, too softly for him to hear. Tainted honey? That’s a new one, and Lily had been treated to weekly poetry when Sirius had been together with Remus back then. 

Some had included moonlight of my life, dusted with freckles, meant for each other, and a few more Lily didn’t know whether to be amused or cringe over. And those were just off the top of her head. 

Seems like he still has a crush on Remus, and as usual, did not figure a single thing out. Lily mentally filed away that information, intending to share it with her dorm mates before deciding if she should let Remus know. How would Remus react if he found out? 

Perhaps she should do as much damage control as she could. But how does one nudge an oblivious Sirius Black in the right direction? She swallowed. “Sirius… have you thought about the fact that maybe…”

“Maybe what, Red?” Was that Lily’s imagination, or was there open vulnerability in those grey eyes? Would she be able to just flat out tell him to consider the option that he may be attracted to blokes as well? 

“You know, eyeing boys and—”

“Lily, please, hypothetically, what would you do if you wanted to exact revenge on a nasty cat?” Peter came barreling around the corner, throwing himself onto a chair in despair. 

Lily inwardly slumped. The moment was lost, and Sirius’s walls of defence came back up, briefly cackling and joining in Peter’s dramatics. 

“Why, what did Mrs Norris do this time?” Sirius teased, that twinkling glint in his eye barely hiding the cool calculation, plans to avenge the way his friend was mistreated and for the sake of the one religion he worshipped — mischief. 

“We’re here to research for prank ideas, and this time, our target is one faithful pet of Filch’s,” Potter added in, seating himself next to Sirius. “Evans!” 

“Potter,” Lily stiffly acknowledged, before actually slumping in her chair. How did she get herself into this heap of trouble? “I suppose I’ll just supervise all of you to ensure there’s minimum damage.” 

“Splendid!” Peter eyed her, eyes alight with just how entertained he was. His expression changed right to one of annoyance right after. “Messer Padfoot and Prongs, Messer Wormtail would like to plead his case after another close call with one spiteful cat by the name of Mrs Norris. Claimant had been enjoying his trip to the kitchens and was about to return, but was caught by one nasty cat on his way back. For reparation, claimant proposes a Marauder Prank to get back at the cat.”

“Claimant’s request has been processed and given the green light,” Sirius said solemnly, before shedding the formality with a wicked glint of excitement in his eyes. Lily was beginning to question her decision to stay. “What idea have you got so far?” 

Potter hummed, pulling out a bunch of books off the shelves and flipping though one of them — something about the topic of magical creatures? 

“Since we'll be pranking an animal, may as well start from there,” Potter explained when he caught Lily's curious glance. Lily glanced away, suddenly feeling out of her depth here. 

“We could spell her to fly with wings like a hippogriff,” Sirius suggested. 

Lily shot him a look. “How–”

“That's a great idea! We should add more features to make the prank last longer,” Peter mused, eyeing the books. “Snapping jaws?” 

“Unable to resist grabbing certain things, like a Niffler, but make said things too large for her to grab.” Potter again. 

“We could have her howl like a werewolf at random times.” Sirius. 

Oh no. That definitely counted as not minimized damage — even if they didn't know why. Lily opened her mouth to speak—

“I doubt it'll be a good idea. Werewolves might actually scare people, and it wouldn't be the sort of fun we pride ourselves on,” Potter intervened hastily. 

Lily nearly gave herself away by almost gawking at Potter. It seemed really presumptuous to assume that he could care less for students, but when Lily had spent ages throwing herself into Severus's defense — her actions and the boy, both topics she had been desperately trying to avoid — it seemed like a valid conclusion to draw. 

Besides, on principle alone, she would disagree with Potter, but for Remus, she was willing to swallow her pride. 

“Potter's right. Werewolves may be a touchy subject. Steer clear of those ideas, please.” 

Peter exchanged a look with Sirius. “Do my senses deceive me, or did James and Lily just agree on something?” 

“You saw that, too? It wasn't just a hallucination? The world might just be ending, Wormy!” 

Lily scowled at Peter, who had already reverted back to a sheepish smile on his face, traces of guilt written all over his features. 

“Alright. No werewolves. Then can she shriek like those pixies?” Sirius offered a compromise, always one willing to keep the peace between Lily and the boys. 

Lily made a show of contemplating. “It's better than the werewolf idea,” she conceded. “And if McGonagall comes asking, no, I was not here.” 

Peter perked up. “Your presence will be forgotten,” he promised. 

As Sirius and Peter dived right back into planning, Lily looked up to see Potter’s eyes still on her. 

“Thanks, Potter,” Lily murmured, expecting him to start preening, or ruffle his hair, or act like his brain had short circuited, or even worse, make a scene until Madam Pince kicks all of them out. 

She didn’t expect him to blush, the lightest red dusted across the apples of his cheeks. His eyes darted around, clearly embarrassed. 

“You’ve always looked pretty uncomfortable whenever werewolves are brought up…so…” He glanced away, his muttering trailing off, a vague hand gesturing at what he had done. 

Lily didn’t know what to say without repeating her thanks, so she just smiled at him, suddenly feeling shy. 

But when did Potter start being sweet and caring? When had he stopped being arrogant and proud? In her head, Potter was still that loud mouthed, insensitive eleven year old that mocked her first friend in Hogwarts, first attacking people for being in Slytherin, and then carelessly disrupting her classes and still being beloved by everyone. 

Did he change when she wasn’t looking? 

“Peter,” Sirius’s whisper sounded deafening in the silence. “Am I hallucinating, or are the tips of Lily Evans’s ears red after an interaction with James?”

Lily whipped her head to face the two boys who had their eyes bouncing between her and Potter. 

Out of the corner of her eyes, she caught Potter doing the same. 

“Merlin, you weren't pulling my leg, you're right,” Peter gasped. 

“Back to your planning, or I'll go straight to Mcgonagall,” Lily warned. 

The threat wasn't as effective as she liked — Sirius winked at her while Peter smirked, but Potter did pipe up with a, “What about uncontrollable switches in size? Y'know, for Norris?” 

Lily wasn't saying she wanted to hug Potter at that moment, but she also wasn't saying she wasn't not. 

And she didn't know where that left her. 

~*~

Potions was not an effortless O as Remus liked to pretend it was. 

It took the most amount of time amongst all his other subjects to maintain his grades. 

He sighed and continued scribbling away on his essay on his bed, in his dorm. Thankfully, the others were out; though for what reason, Remus didn't want to know. 

Adding salamander legs to beetle eyes would be a Sirius mistake— 

Wait. Remus squinted at what he'd written. 

He shook his head and made to strike out the words, when a hand he'd recognise anywhere shot out to steal his quill. 

Speak of the devil. 

“Sirius, I'm trying to finish this essay,” He grabbed at the quill, but his hand was dancing out of his reach. 

He hoped Sirius didn't read the words, nor registered the little bump on his chest where the locket was hidden under his robes. 

“But Moony, I haven't seen you in ages,” Sirius sang, flopping onto Remus's bed, grinning at him, locks of his dark hair strewn artfully across the mattress. 

“I quite literally saw you two hours ago, Sirius,” Remus managed to sound exasperated, when all he wanted to do was run his fingers through Sirius's locks. Out of desperation to distract himself, he lunged at the quill. 

“Four,” Sirius corrected, still keeping the quill tantalizingly out of his reach. Quite maddening, actually. “You've been studying for far too long, dearest Remus.” 

Those words nearly had Remus’s mind scrambled. Poof. Gone. Vanished. 

In sheer panic, he hurled himself at the quill. By the time he realised what he had done, he was lying on top of Sirius, chest heaving, torso splayed out across Sirius's, his head right above his, mouth inches away from each other. 

Sirius was still cackling. His lashes fanned out, long throat graceful, cheekbones high. Oh, he's lovely. So lovely it hurt. 

Against his will, Remus's mouth curled, and before long, he was laughing with Sirius. 

“Remus?”

Remus hummed in acknowledgement. 

“Mind, ah…” Sirius gestured at everything between them, and Remus rolled off, praying that his face didn't resemble a tomato. 

He eyed the other boy, opening his mouth to speak, then closing it. Despite him knowing he's still in love with Sirius, and that this isn't going to turn out well, Remus still doesn't have the heart to kick him out of his bed. 

he really was too far gone for one Sirius Black. 

“I saw Lily just now,” Sirius murmured. “And she told me about her bitch of a sister during Christmas.” 

Remus felt his face fall. 

Sirius's relationship with his brother may be fine, but there were close calls where it nearly deteriorated to the Evans Sisters level, so Lily tended to seek comfort from Sirius about her sister. 

Lily had written to Remus about it, and there were ink stains where her tears fell. In contrast to Remus's Christmas at the Potters, where he got to witness Marlene flirting with Effie first hand and James's bemoaning, snowball fights with Peter, midnight chats with Sirius in the kitchen, and Dorcas smoothly covering anything remotely close about werewolves whenever the need arose and building snowmen with her, warm hugs from Effie and Monty's fond teachings, it felt unfair that he, of all people, got such amazing things while Lily, the most brilliant person he knew, got stuck with weeping over her awful sister and the possibility of seeing Snape. 

He didn't tell his friends, nor hers; that was her secret to tell, after all, but the day her letter arrived, he got far more aggressive than he usually was. 

“I hope her sister gets what's coming to her,” Remus mumbled. 

Sirius looked like he was going to say if it didn't, he would happily provide so, but then he grabbed Remus's Care of Magical Creatures and started flipping through the pages. 

“Sirius.” 

“Remus.” 

“Did you just pick up a book?” 

“Your textbook, yes.” 

“I haven't seen you done that in ages. Could you even read?” 

Sirius snorted at Remus's roast. “Wanker. Pete wants a prank to get back at Norris, and we're still open to ideas, so I'm researching.” 

“Kneazles, grindylows, kappas, there's always a basilisk, nifflers…” Sirius mused, pausing briefly to dwell on each potential characteristic they could use to cast onto Mrs Norris.” 

Remus tried to go back to his essay, but he had barely written a couple of words before he admitted defeat, too busy being distracted by Sirius. “What're you reading?”

He glanced at the book, and the chapter title stared up at him in dooming, blocky letters. 

WEREWOLVES

Remus tensed. 

Sirius seemed to register Remus's discomfort. “You're pale.” 

Remus shook his head, trying to persuade Sirius to let it slide. Of course, he didn't. 

“What's it this time? Headache?” Sirius inquired, scanning Remus from head to toe for hints. 

Remus waved him off. “Uncomfortable topics.” 

Grey eyes seemed to pierce into his soul. “Moony,” He said slowly. “You know we're friends, right?” 

Unfortunately. 

“You can tell me anything. Whatever's troubling you — I'll listen.” 

How was he supposed to remain friends with this gorgeous person with a beautiful soul? Willing to offer a shoulder to cry — well, not cry, because Remus wouldn't ever do that — but just to listen to his ordinary woes. 

The locket pressing into him served as a harsh reminder that his problems were the furtherst from normal and, well, moral. 

He missed his friends. He missed the lack of guilt crushing him so much he couldn't breathe, the sins he'd done pulling at his throat as agonizing threads. 

“Thanks, Pads,” Remus replied hoarsely, knowing he'd never get the chance to. “Thank you.” 

Chapter Text

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Lily's birthday passed by in the blink of an eye. It was a blast, because Lily adored ABBA, which meant that she kept on playing their songs and the newest album. Sirius was absolutely pleased with the amount of dancing he did drunkenly, and Remus always turned away, wrinkling his nose in faux disdain. ABBA was growing on him, Sirius knew it. 

Snape, being that slimey little oddball he was, tried to see Lily on her birthday, deeming his presence enough of a (terrible) gift, demanding Lily to talk to him, and then switched tactics from anger and entitlement to pleas and apologies. 

It might have worked. Lily seemed on the verge of following him to talk somewhere private, but Snape tried to control Lily with his hideous words — I won't let you do this, you keep forgetting about me, and other bits of venom Sirius would prefer very much not to remember — and so, Snape was not getting the talk he wanted. Nothing less than he deserved, in Sirius's opinion. 

Sirius knew that Lily was more than capable of defending herself, but Lily's red eyes and shuddering shoulders as she curled into herself, alone, were burnt into his memory — he never wanted her to suffer a feeling that was anything remotely close to that again. 

He regretted leaving his wand with James upstairs. 

That being said, he watched as Lily threw back her shoulders and steadily invited Snivellus out of her sight. Snivellus may be lacking in everything, but his lonely brain cell at least knew enough to not try using the slur again, even when the girls joined in, Mary's eyes narrowed in defiance, daring him to try calling her the slur. 

James, Peter and Remus looked one wrong word away from wrecking havoc on Snivellus. 

Didn't stop him from insulting Lily's choices in friends, her decision, and self respect. 

Marlene had started to raise her fist, but Dorcas held her back, hissing something about how throwing the first punch wouldn't help, but the glint in her eyes suggested that she was fighting the urge to tear Snape apart by herself. 

Remus didn't even pause to listen to Snape's last offense before he piped up with a single warning to get away if you know what's good for you, to which Snape sneered and replied probably best away from you and your kind. 

First of all, that was plain rude. Remus was the best person out there. Second, his kind probably meant them Gryffindors, and that was more of a compliment than an insult. Third, upon hearing that, Remus had blanched. Paled, like he should believe any of the lies Snivellus spewed. 

But something was off. The thought had faded the moment it took form in Sirius's head, but those words seemed to have held an underlying message, because Marlene screamed in rage, Dorcas's grip on her girlfriend went slack, Mary let out a horrified gasp, and the pure hatred that churned in Lily's eyes was something to rival the ire she used to treated James with. 

Sirius would've gotten a fist in, along with a tense James, but Peter had beat them all, with a flick of his wand that sent Snape flying a good six feet away. 

Good riddance. Sirius hadn't even bothered keeping his voice low when he remarked upon it casually, like Snape was of no importance to even feel anything for. 

Peter pulled an apologetic face. “I'd have done it sooner, or tried something more powerful, but this is the best I could manage for now.” 

Lily shot him a grateful grin, before turning back to Snivellus. “Leave, Severus. I told you, we were done.” 

Snivellus crawled back up to his feet, his robe resembling a bat. “You'll come back, Lily, I'm just saving time for the both of us. Remember in fourth year? You left, and then you came back. This'll be no different. You'll always come back. Leave this bunch of— of disgraced Heirs and blood traitors and nothings and monsters.” 

Remus flinched. Sirius intertwined his hands with him in solidarity. 

Lily gritted her teeth, and despite how desperately Sirius wanted to step in and shield Lily from the torrent of Snivellus's verbal abuse, he knew this was Lily's battle. He knew, because it was the exact same thing his parents used to do to him. 

“I came back because I gave you second chances, which turned into thirds, fourths, and fifths. I'm not giving you any more chances. If you won't change your ways, then I'm done reaching out.” Lily's cold voice rang out, voice only slightly wobbly. All in all, extremely impressive for the mess she was in. 

Her statement was taken as an allowance by the others to speak their thoughts. 

“Fuck you,” James immediately spat at a blotchy faced Snivellus. The sentiment was echoed by a shaking Mary, white-knuckled Remus, and an eerily still Dorcas. 

But Snivellus was still not ready to admit defeat. 

“More like you're hoping to fuck her. You'll never love her like—” Like me. Anyone could’ve seen his next words from a mile away, but evidently he changed his mind. “Lily, he'll always be using you. He—”

That was enough. Sirius bared his teeth. He would stand for slanderous words about his friends no more. “One more word from you, and disgraced Heir or not, I’ll show you why I was the Heir in the first place.” 

“Go away!” Lily commanded once more. And at last, Snivellus seemed to realise he was not going to win. He backed away, unwilling to vent his anger on any of the girls, especially Lily, but he sneered at the boys. 

For good measure, Peter set the tail end of his robe on fire. 

Snivellus got away a lot quicker and with more swearing after that. 

“It's fake,” Peter reassured the rest of them. “Minnie would have my head if it were real, but it replicated the heat well enough from a distance.” 

Mary shrugged. “The itching powder now coating the insides of his robes isn't, though.” 

Dorcas blinked. “So, combined with the heat charm I left there…” 

Marlene pounced on Dorcas with a kiss. 

Sirius went straight for Lily. “He's lying.” Not knowing which words would comfort her best, Sirius offered the only thing he was certain would help. “You're better than that. You got away. Don't listen to him about her. Also, Prongs isn't like that.” 

Lily looked up, her eyes fogged with that slightly dazed look. The sort which meant that she was processing what had just happened. Sirius felt awful for her. This wasn't the sort of thing anyone would want to face on a regular night, let alone with friends on her birthday. 

Finally, Lily's eyes refocused. Green eyes met grey ones, before she huffed with weak laughter. “Of course you'd defend your brother.” 

“I have two brothers, Red, and I'd never leave them to such atrocity.” Sirius declared. 

The other boys joined in, the girls still standing away from them, giving them space, speaking in low voices. 

“Want me to beat up Snape for you?” Remus offered politely, no less casual than inquiring if she wanted sugar in her coffee. “You didn't deserve that one bit, Lily.” 

“Our next prank will be dedicated to you, and aimed at him.” Peter said, his tone brokering no space for negotiation. 

“Nothing too risky, then,” Lily's voice was watery. 

James stood behind Sirius apprehensively, shuffling his feet. “I don't… Does she want me here? Do I stay away?” 

“What he said isn't your fault, Potter,” Lily said, overhearing James's anxious words. “Don't take it to heart.” 

He smiled at her, a false front Sirius could see from miles away. Sirius would've busted his cover, but he agreed with James. Tonight, Lily needed care and attention more. 

Peter offered Lily a bottle of firewhisky. “Think you'd like one to wash today away.” 

Lily smiled weakly. “You're the best, Peter.” 

She exchanged glances with Remus, seemingly having an unspoken conversation — or agreement? — since Remus nodded his head. 

The girls finally joined them, Dorcas and Mary checking up on each of them. Marlene placed her arms around Lily. 

Mary raised her eyebrows at Sirius. “How's the disgraced Heir?” 

Sirius smirked back, aware that the conversation was meant to lighten the atmosphere. “More delighted that he's disgraced from the company he's supposed to be associated with, thankfully.” 

Dorcas looked away from her conversation with James and Peter. “Lily, are you tired yet?” 

It was a silent offer to take a break from people and rearrange her thoughts on her own. 

Lily glanced up from where she was with Remus. “Yeah, I am.” 

No one bought that, but they knew why anyway. 

“Go get some sleep, Lily,” Remus lightly shoved her. “Your eyebags are getting a bit too hideous.” 

The redhead let out a small chuckle at that. Remus, delighted to finally coax a laugh from her, smiled, the honey in his eyes making an appearance. 

“G'night, Red,” Sirius murmured, and if she nodded back or waved a hand in farewell, Sirius never knew, for his eyes never once left Remus. 

~*~ 

The next day found Sirius chasing Peter from Potions class, cackling and hollering as they went. 

Sirius chased Peter to the field, losing sight of him soon after. 

“Prongs!” He yelled at the sole flyer zooming about. “Have you seen good ol’ Petey?” 

“Can't say I have, Padfoot,” James called back as he landed in front of him. “Why?” 

“Because—” Sirius paused as a shadow steadily ran in his peripheral vision. “Wormtail! James, you stinking traitor!” 

“Run, Pete!” was James's only warning before he took off after their shortest friend, shouting a conversation with Peter as they dashed for their lives. 

“Damn it, Prongs, you got caught already?” 

“Shut it, Wormy, as if you could last any longer.” 

“Had I been keeping your secret, I probably could've evaded capture and being discovered for a good twelve years, no problem.” 

“James! Peter! I am onto you both, bastards!” 

James and Peter both sprinted into the Gryffindor tower and into the common room. 

Sirius tackled them both to the ground, sniggering with laughter when they fought back, hands shoving everywhere and bodies rolling about. 

“Merlin, Padfoot, lay off,” Peter grumbled as Sirius landed on Peter with an oof. 

“Not the hair!” Sirius yelped as a sneaky hand yanked at his precious locks. The maintenance routine wasn't easy, and far too valuable for someone like James or Peter to damage it. 

James only waggled his eyebrows and nodded at Peter, who tugged it more insistently. 

It took several moments before the chaos finally calmed down, the boys all panting. 

After a workout like that, Sirius's head was pleasantly empty, drifting from one thought to another. 

Regulus, his friends, the hope that they'll remain happy like that forever, and they would be able to laugh as hard as Peter accidentally snorting out his firewhisky when Lily cracked a joke last night—

His smile faded. Lily. Last night. Snivellus. How much misery she had been in, on the night of her birthday, no less. 

“Shall we hold a Marauders meeting for our next prank?” Sirius found himself suggesting. 

James beamed, lifting his head up from where he was lying. “I thought you'd never ask.”

Peter sat up, his eyes glinting with understanding. “Let's go up to the dorm and use the Map to find Moony before we start.” 

Excited to claim vengeance for their wronged friend, Sirius scurried upstairs, James and Peter behind him, and placed a hand to push open the door left slightly ajar — before he heard voices coming from the inside. He wouldn't have thought much of it, but James lifted a hand to stop Sirius, and Peter motioned for Sirius to listen, which he did after raising his eyebrows. 

“—Nothing like digs at the friend of the person you're trying to win back,” Sirius caught the tail end of Remus's dry words. Ah, so they were talking about Snivellus. 

“Monster was a low blow—” Lily was saying, disgust and unfettered rage alive in her tone. Sirius agreed, pleased that she knows Snivellus’s true colours now, although the process was an awful one. 

“Like I could expect anything else from him,” Remus said tiredly, followed by a thump, like he sat down heavily on a hard surface. “It's been like this ever since he knew.” 

Those defeated words were followed by the sound of flesh smacking hard on a surface, like Lily was picturing Snape while she slapped something. At least, that's how it sounded to Sirius. 

But knew what? Sirius looked at James and Peter, hoping they would be able to provide some insight. Unfortunately, both sported the same confused expression, not understanding where Lily was getting at. They were all left in the dark. 

“What about the ones who don't?” A pregnant silence. “How has it been?” Lily inquired. 

James and Peter exchanged glances. Sirius peered through the narrow gap of the open door to find Lily sitting cross legged on the edge of Remus's bed, and Remus on the floor leaning against her. 

Remus groaned in reply, burying his face in his hands. “Fucking hell, Lily, I have never met people who miss everything suspicious so badly but are still so attentive and thoughtful. Did you know Peter asked if I tried ibuprofen to avoid getting sick again? He was researching for his muggle studies essay and thought to let me know if I had missed anything. James handed me bandages to patch up cuts he knew I wouldn't go to the infirmary for. And Sirius—”

Remus made an exasperated noise, though his lips were twitching upwards helplessly. “He doesn't even know what he'd done wrong. But it's like he's determined to not repeat any of the incidents in any way. It works. It actually—”

Just then, James shuffled his feet. 

Remus cut himself off instantly. 

Sirius whipped back from the door immediately, but not quick enough — he had seen the way Remus's head snapped up towards the door. 

He glared at James, who had his hands up in surrender and apology, brown eyes wide. 

Peter looked ready to bolt. Sirius was pretty sure the only reason why he didn't was because the sound of running footsteps outside the door after the suspicion of people eavesdropping would only make them seem more guilty when they got inevitably caught by Remus and Lily. 

Sirius loved James, he really did, but in that moment, he felt like strangling him. They were so close to figuring out what Lily and Remus were hiding from them! 

Dead silence from inside. 

Remus was hiding something from them. Something Lily knows about and Snivellus wasn't supposed to find out, but he did. 

“Monster”.

Remus's constant illness. 

What was he missing? 

Sirius counted thirty heartbeats before he heard an even “come in”. 

Sirius looked at James and Peter for assistance, but they had no other suggestions, either. James shoved Sirius through the door first. 

“Some friends I have,” Sirius grumbled, before glancing at the pair who were originally in the room. “Remus— you're pale.” 

All of a sudden, it hit him. 

“You're pale.” It was an understatement. Remus had looked like he'd seen a ghost. 

Remus had shaken his head, his hair flopping about in a rather adorable way. Sirius would've been tempted to reach out a hand and run it through his hair if it wasn't for the tension running underneath Remus's shoulders. 

“What's it this time? Headache?” Sirius asked, worried, checking for any concealed winces. He couldn't find any. 

Remus waved him off. “Uncomfortable topics.” 

Not sure on how to proceed, Sirius didn't push. 

The only odd thing was that same afternoon, as soon as he mentioned the werewolf idea, Lily looked uncomfortable again — as she always had been. Sirius constantly chalked it up to wary caution like any other person would be, but hadn't she been defensive of werewolves since third year? And then with Remus, he had been reading up on werewolves, trying to find a harmless idea that Lily might've allowed them to try. 

But that means… 

He didn't need to be good at reading people to know how badly Lily failed at hiding her discomfort — probably at the fact that they eavesdropped on a private conversation. 

But that was a distant thought. 

He dug deeper into his memories, trying to find anything that could serve as potential evidence. 

The prefect badge. 

There was no flaw in the badge — yet after Sirius turned it back to silver and returned it to Remus, he looked so, so, faint. Remus could've changed it when no one was looking, and Sirius messed it up. 

And all the times Remus was ill — he remembered the dates — they all had one thing in common. 

“That day in the library with Red, Prongs, and Wormy. In the dorm afterward with you. Red convinced us to stay away from anything werewolf related. The silver badge incident where you were sick after touching your badge, which I turned to pure silver.” Sirius began slowly, eyes fixed on Remus. 

He was deathly still, eyes not moving from Sirius's, a spark of something in those amber eyes. 

“Everytime you've been sick… it's always around the full moon,” Peter continued, picking up the pace. 

Lily was frozen as well. 

“The scars,” James murmured, finally catching onto what Peter and Sirius meant. “You gave them to yourself, didn't you? Every night of the full moon? Werewolves are social creatures — they need a pack.” 

Remus turned his head sharply to face James. “How'd you know that?” 

He shrugged. “I– I'm not sure. It's not wrong, though, is it?” 

“He hasn't either confirmed nor denied it,” Lily snapped shrilly. 

“The indecision gave it away.” Peter defended James, his voice calm as though he were meditating. “Are you a werewolf, Remus?” 

A rhetorical question, but an offer to feign ignorance should Remus want it. 

“Moony,” Sirius interrupted gently, sparing his friend from answering for another few seconds. It wasn't much, granted, but it seemed like he needed it. Remus looked…devastated. “You don't owe us the truth, but you do have to decide what you're going to tell us.” A lie. If Remus refused to tell them what was going on, they were going to figure it out. It was simply a choice of ignoring them knowing or having it all out in the open. 

Lily stared desperately at Remus, who gazed miserably back. Another unspoken conversation between them. 

Meanwhile, the rest of them were having their own unspoken conversation. 

Peter looked baffled that he completely missed all the clues. 

James looked questioning at the thought of Lily knowing but not them — and then frowned. If Lily knew, what about the rest of the girls? 

Sirius was still trying to decide his own emotions. Was he upset that Remus hid something from them? Well, yes. But wanting the werewolf thing to be concealed was a valid reason. 

For the first time, his mind drifted to the other person that shouldn't have known about Remus's secret when his dorm mates didn't. How did Snape know? 

Whoever tipped him off, Sirius hated them. Hated how they handed Snivellus the power to induce fear and doubt churning in those lovely eyes. 

“Fine.” Remus’s tone was resigned and full of self loathing. “Yes, I am a werewolf.” 

Green and amber eyes pinned the rest of them with piercing eyes, as though trying to carve out their true thoughts with that confirmation. 

Peter shrugged, climbing into his bed. “Does this mean I'll be able to finally score higher in Transfiguration because I'll be constantly asking what you can do?” 

“What?” Remus looked bemused. 

“You'll do better if you actually recited facts instead of falling asleep in classes,” Sirius drawled. 

James raised an eyebrow at Remus. “The next time you need the infirmary, you let us know instantly. We'll accompany you. And if you try to give us the slip, I'm going to follow you everywhere. That includes bathrooms.” 

“I'm a werewolf!” Remus burst out in a fit of confusion laced with panic. “Why are none of you scared?” 

Sirius suspected he saw sadness flicker in Lily's eyes. 

“You fold your socks, Remus,” James pointed out. “Apologies if I don't run for cover.” 

“The Blacks thrive with worse than a friend who has something they can't control,” Sirius shrugged. 

“You were Remus before you were a werewolf.” Peter stated. 

Remus stared at all of them, apparently too speechless. 

Lily nudged his shoulder and gave him a small smile. 

Remus rolled his eyes. 

“I'll see you tomorrow,” Lily told him. “I think it's high time I leave now.” 

She nodded at Peter, James, Sirius, a glint of approval in her almond eyes. “Behave, all of you.” 

“Does this get me a date with you?” James called out cheekily. 

Lily immediately dropped her smile — though Sirius doubted it was completely true anymore. If anything, it seemed like she was too unimpressed. “Fuck off, Potter.” 

As the door closed with a click, Sirius turned to Remus. “We need to talk about this.”

~*~

“Oh my god,” Mary was giggling, wincing in apology but unable to stop herself from laughing. “All that effort to keep them in the dark, and yet they still found out, after ten months.” 

“It was supposed to last a lifetime, you say?” Marlene raised an eyebrow at Remus. Remus may have been on the bed opposite the one Marlene was in — Mary's — but he felt her entire judgement. She was immediately thwacked by Mary behind her, who frowned at her back. “Stop moving! Do you want lopsided braids?”

Marlene grumbled something Remus didn’t quite catch. 

Dorcas blinked rapidly from where she sat on the floor. Remus suspected she didn't know how to react into the mess he had gotten himself into, which was exactly how he felt. 

Remus was going to rip out his hair in pure frustration. “It was exactly like how they discovered it when we were in second year! Refused to even show me anything changed. Everything's still the same. James's still obnoxious about Lily. Peter still draws on my notes to get my attention in class for help. And Sirius—” 

He made a noise of despair, waving his hands in an attempt to gesture at everything Sirius Black is. “Just kill me.” 

“And have my entertainment gone? Never,” Mary grinned maniacally at Remus, who flipped her off. 

Dorcas snorted, but they all knew Mary was only half joking. She loved her tea. 

“Walk me through it again,” Marlene mused, barely suppressing her cackle as she twirled her wand. “James really asked you if you had ever tried to play fetch with yourself?” 

“Don't even get me started on Sirius and Peter,” Remus groaned. “They're back to horrible puns. Fur-tastic; you’re the unaware-wolf that led to us overhearing you; it’s like they took a trip to the past and wrangled out the same puns they used to joke about.” 

Lily scoffed, crossing and uncrossing her legs from where she was perched on her bed, taking care to not bump into Dorcas, who was by her feet. “I still don't know how those are the same boys that managed to figure it all out.” 

Dorcas rubbed her eyes. “You and me both.” 

Remus, who had been leaning onto Lily's shoulder, felt her sigh reverberating throughout her. “The idiot tried to ask me out again.” 

“Points for persistence, I suppose,” Mary mumbled, though they all knew he was probably tap dancing on Lily's last nerve. “Done.” She declared to Marlene, leaning back to examine her work. 

“Sometimes I wonder if he thinks you’re playing hard to get,” Marlene pondered, patting her hair to feel Mary’s braid, then thanking her with air kisses. 

“More like he’s being hard to get rid of,” Lily muttered. “You think he'll try that out again next full moon?” 

Everyone winced. 

For there was no doubt the boys would rush into the infirmary to see Remus, and even less doubt that James would probably seize the opportunity to ask Lily out again — the girls had made it clear now that Remus knew they knew, and they were definitely going to rush to the infirmary to see him. 

Pomfrey was going to have a field day next full. Though, on second thought, she would be pleased that there were so many people caring for him. Or maybe she would shoo them all out. 

Remus didn't know what to think. It was like he had gotten a piece of his friendship back. A taste of the forbidden fruit, knowing that they now knew and would fuss over him endlessly, but he would have to be careful, because while things would somewhat resemble the past, he still had to watch his words — they didn't know that they were animagus. 

Dorcas patted his knee, sensing his mood turning sour. “We’ll figure it out. You have us, wolf boy.” 

“Merlin, that was awful. Never say that again.” Remus answered instantly, cringing. 

He got four sets of laughter in return, which lifted his mood slightly. Dorcas wasn’t wrong, though. 

Little did they know, when they ran to the infirmary the sunrise after the night of the full moon, Marlene, being the most athletic, would burst into the infirmary first to see three boys crowded around the only occupied bed. Dorcas, the second, would recognise those dark locks and messy hair and blond strands. Mary would be disgruntled that all their efforts to wake in the morning had been beaten. And Lily would meet Madam Pomfrey's eyes, the latter looking like her faith in humanity has been restored. 

Little did they know, the Marauders would continue to beat them at seeing Remus post full moon first, the moment they knew about his condition.