Chapter Text
“What are my results?”
“Inconclusive.”
“That’s possible?”
“It’s possible, but rare. It’s called Divergent. It’s nothing big, it just means you aren’t naturally drawn to any one path. You still pick a faction as normal, but it feels more like a decision you have to think about than an obvious choice. Your results showed you have an aptitude for Abnegation, Erudite, and Dauntless, so pick whichever one you want to define you the most. You don’t have to abandon the others, but you still have to commit to a faction. You could decide to be factionless, but you seem like the type that thrives on a bigger community, rather than a small one out past the city line.”
“Huh…so I really do have a choice to make.”
“Yup. But here.” She handed me a card, with her name and an intricate logo on it. “If you want, come visit me over in the Dauntless compound. My brother is Divergent, so he can give you some advice if you want. I think one of our initiate trainers is too, but I don’t know him that well.”
“Thank you,” I said genuinely, and I didn’t have to wipe my hands on my pants before taking her card. “Really.”
“Don’t worry about it. And, wherever you do end up,” she gave me a conspiratorial grin. “Even if it’s Abnegation, stop by my shop if you want a tattoo. You Stiffs all cover up enough, no one will ever see it.”
I laugh, and pocket the card. It feels good to laugh, without worrying if it’s too loud or too raucous or not appropriate. Maybe my Abnegation tendencies are just from my parents…maybe they’re not actually what I have an “aptitude” for. I think I will talk with her brother.
“I think I am going to take you up on that, thank you.”
“Yeah, no worries. We’re always around, and if we’re not, someone will know us. So come with a parent– yes, come with a parent.” She must have noticed my expression upon her mentioning bringing one of my parents. Who would I even bring? I couldn’t picture my mother or my father in the dark, formless “compound” in my mind. She continued, before I could protest. “Some of the people are mean, and until you’re one of us, you should come with a parent. And in general, you shouldn’t explore unknown areas of the city completely alone, no matter who you are, if you’re still a kid. And yes, you’re still a kid. I’d be saying the same thing to the Dauntless your age, the only difference is I wouldn’t expect them to listen to me.”
She made a good point. I thanked her for the advice, and the offer, and went back out to the cafeteria with my brother and the other Abnegation. We aren’t “supposed” to talk about our results, but there is no punishment for doing so. When I see my brother’s troubled expression, I know better than to ask right now, but we will arrive at home well before our parents, and I can ask him then. Tori’s card feels heavy in my pocket, heavy with the weight of the decision ahead of me.
Abnegation, Erudite, or Dauntless?
I suppose Amity and Candor aren’t ruled out officially, if I can pick any of them, but I lied to that man’s face, and had no empathy for the harm that would become of him, so I wouldn’t want to be there anyway, surrounded by the people who would make those choices.
When my brother and I split off from Susan and Robert, I broached the question.
“So…what did you get?”
“We’re not supposed to talk about it.”
I waited. I knew him.
“I…don’t know if I want to talk about it.” He admitted, eventually.
“I’ll tell you mine first if that helps. I bet it can’t be more confusing than that.” I meant it as a joke, but it fell on deaf ears as per usual. Caleb couldn’t be more Abnegation if he tried, and he didn’t have to try at all. He would live a long, happy life marrying Susan and raising a small, classic, Abnegation family together.
“Please.” He looked like he was choking on something, but he hadn’t had anything to drink and we didn’t have anything like snacks, ever.
“I am inconclusive.” He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to me.
“Inconclusive? Is that even possible? What does that mean? How does it work?”
“Wow, what happened to asking questions is bad and evil?” I once again tried to joke, and once again he took it seriously.
“Right- I- I’m sorry. You’re right.”
“Caleb, I was teasing,” I tried to reassure him. “And I don’t know. Tori, my administrator, said I showed signs for Erudite, Dauntless, and Abnegation. She said it’s called ‘Divergent’, and that her brother is Divergent too. She said it’s rare, but not impossible, and it just means I have to pick what I want to define me, that it won’t come naturally like with most everyone else.”
“Huh,” was all he replied, and he looked lost in thought.
“Huh? That’s all? You had like a million questions before, you know I don’t mind.”
“You don’t, do you? You never have, Beatrice.”
“And you do, it’s okay. It just means we’re different, and now we know why.” He still looked pale, like he was trying to decide the rest of his life right now at this moment. Was he Divergent too? His surprise before seemed too genuine to be fake, and why would he fake it? It wasn’t a secret, just not common.
“Caleb are you alright? Do you need to sit down?” I didn’t want to sit down on the dirty, uneven concrete but I felt like that’s what I was supposed to do, supposed to offer.
“No, I…” He took a deep breath, stopped again, and turned fully to face me. “I got Erudite.”
My jaw dropped. My perfect, selfless brother, Erudite? The one who never hesitates, never drags his feet, never does anything wrong or imperfect ever? Him?
Suddenly his questions before make sense. It got me thinking, if he was the perfect act, who else could be? Robert? Susan? My parents? I couldn’t picture them in the Dauntless compound, or anywhere but here, but until three seconds ago I would have said the same thing about my brother. Here he was, having me question everything. I suddenly realized he was waiting for me to talk.
“I- but- but you’re perfect!” was all I managed to squeak out. He somehow looked like he was almost about to laugh at my reaction.
“Sorry, sorry,” I tried to recover, “I just- you do everything right, it always looked so effortless to you! The way you gave your seat up for the man this morning, like you didn’t even think about it!” We were nearing home now, but I still wasn’t worried, since even with our delays we were always home long before our parents.
“Mhm…I always try to be. That’s what we’re supposed to do, isn’t it? But… it isn’t what I want.” He seemed like he had been waiting to say those words for a really long time. He had gone back to staring aimlessly ahead of us but again he quickly turned to me again. Thankfully, he kept walking this time. “Is it what you want?”
The answer came out of me before I was ready for it.
“No.”
It wasn’t definitive, or harsh, or even confident. Passive, almost. Casual.
“I- didn’t mean that.”
“You didn’t?”
“I…I don’t know. When I think about us, about dinner. All of us moving in perfect harmony, living to help others. It sounds perfect.”
“But does it sound like you, Beatrice?”
“It… it…” Eventually, I had to be honest. Not with him, but with myself.
“N…No… not really. I love it, I love the thought of it, I love to look at it, but…living it? I- I don’t think so. I don’t think I can do that for the rest of my life. I want to be able to, but…but I don’t think I can.”
He nodded. At some point, we had arrived home, and we sat in the living room together in a way we never had before. I began to wonder what it would have been like growing up with him in a different faction, or even just with our home but without this one. Would we have hung out more? Would we have done fun things together? Would we have helped each other study, or walked around the town together?
We could still have that, I realized. He got Erudite, and with my memory of his room the few times I’ve seen it, he had books everywhere. He would go to Erudite tomorrow, and our parents would have one less child in the house. Two, if I went with him. Or went to Dauntless. I knew my father didn’t like them, but maybe he would if I were there. Would he still love me? The panic began to rise up in me and Caleb, ever the selfless one, noticed immediately.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? You don’t have to stay here, you could leave with me, or pick any of them I guess.”
A laugh bubbled up in my chest, despite myself. Or maybe because of the panic. “I’m not worried about anything, I just- I’ve already ruled out Candor and Amity. And Abnegation, as much as I love our parents. I…I just started thinking about…Dauntless.” The change in my brother was immediate. Not anger, like our father, or resignation, like my mother, but…fear. No, not fear, concern. He was worried for me. He didn’t think I could do it.
“No, you’re right, it’s stupid,” I continued before he could say anything. “It’s stupid, I’ll just pick- I’ll just–” I tried to say I’ll just pick Erudite with you. It would be easy, I know what to expect, rigorous studies and all that, but…I realized with a start that my decision was already made.
“You want to be Dauntless,” Caleb said gently, concern still lacing his voice.
“I…I want to be Dauntless.” I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders, only to be immediately replaced by another one. “I want to be Dauntless,” I repeated, my own fear now creeping into my voice like Caleb’s.
“You want to be Dauntless,” he repeated after me, taking my hands in his and giving them a reassuring squeeze.
“That’s terrifying.”
“I think that’s kind of the point,” he said with a small laugh. It’s a rare treat to hear Caleb laugh, and it makes me feel better just being in its presence.
“Will you come with me?”
“What- come with you where?”
“To-” oh god, was I really about to ask this? “To the Dauntless compound.”
“Beatrice are you- what is- you’re not an initiate yet, they’ll pound you to the ground!”
“No! Probably not! Tori said most of them were nice!”
“Who is Tori?” His concern had definitely turned to panic now, although I was sure it was just at my new inquiry, and possibly my sanity.
“She’s- I’ll start over, she’s the woman who tested me, the one who described what Divergent is to me. She said her brother is Divergent too, and that I could visit them today if I wanted to, if I was confused about my decision, or about being Divergent.” I pulled the card out of my pocket to further prove my sanity. “She said I could go there and ask around if I didn’t see her, and most people would at least vaguely know who she is or where to find her. I…even though I don’t need help making my decision, I want to learn more about the Dauntless.” Before I commit to it, the mean, cowardly voice in my head said. Shut up, I replied back to it. No, it said back. That’s when I started ignoring it.
“Beatrice…I support the idea, I just…I’m not even a year older than you. This is insanity, she just- She just said to go? On your own?” He didn’t bother masking how incredulous he was that a strange woman would suggest this. Or maybe that the Dauntless would be so brazen in projecting their way of life onto someone outside of their faction.
I gave myself away with my hesitation.
“Beatrice, what is it?”
“She…may have told me to bring a parent.”
“So she’s not crazy!”
“She’s not, I–”
“But you are.” He rounded on me in a split second. “Why would you want to go there of all places without one of our parents!”
“I just didn’t think they’d be comfortable!”
“And you thought I would be?”
“I thought I would be more comfortable asking you,” I explained, exasperated with his lecturing. “And going with you.”
He sighed, understanding, but still unmoving in his resolve. “Let’s ask them when they get home, together,” he added before I could protest. “I’ll help you. I don’t think I should go with you, that…really feels like a recipe for disaster, but I’ll help you ask when they get home.”
“Thank you, Caleb,” I said, and I meant it. He smiled, said “you’re welcome,” and we settled into a silence that wasn’t really comfortable or uncomfortable. Just…there. After a moment, I asked him why he wanted to go to Erudite, and he lit up like I had just turned on a bright light. He started talking about knowledge with a passion I had never seen from him before, talking about how fascinating the world we live in is, and how he wanted to know more about it. He went on until our parents arrived home, and I listened to him intently for the whole hour. Normally I would have tuned an Erudite kid out by now, but this was Caleb. This was my brother, and I love him. Sitting there, just the two of us, I felt like I could listen to him go on for hours.
Once our parents came home, it was like they could sense we had something to tell them. Maybe it was just the way we both looked at them expectantly as soon as they came in the door. Our mother sat down, and our father remained standing. She spoke first, asking “What news do you two have for us?” She looked between both of us, until Caleb looked at me. I swallowed hard, and wiped my hands on my pants.
“I…was wondering if- if one of you could come with me tonight to the Dauntless compound?” My father’s reaction was immediate. My mother’s was too, but more subtle. Before he could rage at the thrillseekers downtown, I quickly explained my situation the same way I had with Caleb. The Divergent result, Tori, her offer, all of it. I left out how I had pretty much already decided, figuring my father would be more likely to agree if he didn’t think the only reason I was going was to find out more about the Dauntless specifically. Eventually, with my mother’s encouragement, he agreed with her. She volunteered to come with me, which was the biggest surprise I had all day. My mother? My lithe, conservative, willowy mother? She looks like the dauntless would break her like a twig. But, my father didn’t want to go, and having one of them volunteer was more than I dared hope for. We agreed that I would help with dinner tomorrow night instead, and that my father and Caleb could take care of dinner for just themselves. My mother, when I asked, assured me we would get dinner somewhere, though she didn’t say where. When she asked if I wanted to leave now, I surprised everyone, including myself, by giving an immediate “Yes.” She kissed my father goodbye, a rare token of displayed affection, and we were off.
Only then did I wonder what I should have been thinking the whole time. How would we ever get there?