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—

The only feeling Jeongguk has known for most part of his life is the feeling of being abandoned. He wished to end his life more times that he can count. Asking himself if he could ever be loved again. If, maybe, he was worth the fight. Jeongguk doesn’t really know how to answer himself, and there’s no one who can answer them for him. Not anymore, at least.

He never cared about being bullied when he was in elementary school. He knew the reason why, but it wasn’t something other kids should’ve been caring about. Sometimes Jeongguk felt less because of it, but in the long run, he regretted it. When he understood his mother actions, everything fell to its place.

Not having his real father around isn’t something Jeongguk cares about, now. But when he was little, even if he had Jungsik by his side, Jeongguk would’ve liked to meet him. To see him as some sort of hero. Little Jeongguk liked to daydream about his father showing up someday, going to him and apologize for not being present. For not being able to act his role as Jeongguk’s father. But that’s alright, because Jeongguk did grow up with a mother and a father, and he isn’t ashamed of Jungsik being his adoptive father, on the contrary. He is glad his mom found someone who didn’t judge her, who took responsibility of someone else’s child and treated him like his own.

When Jeongguk turned twelve years old, Dahye and Jungsik considered him old enough to understand what really happened. When Dahye started talking about her story in baby terms for him to understand better, Jeongguk felt his heart break for the first time. If he was aware of his mother’s pain earlier, he wouldn’t have resented her for most part of his life.

The fact is, Jeongguk knows the first three years of his life he was homeless, parentless. He had no one who could have taken care of him, because when his mother gave birth to him, she abandoned him without telling the nurses he was her son. The only thing he knew about his mother was her last name. Jeon.

She didn’t have it in her to leave him without having something hers. She didn’t want Jeongguk to have his real father’s last name because he simply never showed up, he fucking left when he found out his mother was expecting his child. The motherfucker laughed at Dahye when she told him she was pregnant, leaving her with many problems nineteen years old Dahye couldn’t afford alone.

So being bullied because of it, now Jeongguk understands, was never the big deal.

He met Taehyung when he was eight years old. Jeongguk was being bullied again, it wasn’t new to him. So he didn’t care about it and didn’t understand how it could be to someone concern defending him. He never had anyone to stand up for him before, Jeongguk never stood up for himself anyway. It was the first time the kids who bullied him didn’t know how to reply and just left them alone.

Taehyung sat next to him, being careful with Jeongguk. He shared his meal, because Jeongguk didn’t have it anymore. 

After that day, Jeongguk and Taehyung spent every day together. He told his story to Taehyung, told him how glad he really felt when Taehyung stood up for him, how much it meant for him. Jeongguk told him about his biological father, how he felt at fault for not having one but how much he felt lucky to have Jungsik.

Taehyung was the first one to know Jeongguk might like boys, too.

“Do you think it’s weird? Being attracted to boys?”

Taehyung shakes his head. “I don’t think it is, Bun,” Taehyung smiles, caressing his cheek.

It’s almost September and it means it is almost Jeongguk’s birthday, summer is not really over yet. He feels the heat, but it might be because of how Taehyung is looking at him, the way he’s caressing his cheek. The way he shifts closer to his body and Jeongguk aches to touch, to feel.

Right now, they’re watching the stars outside his room. Attached to his balcony there are stairs that leads you to the rooftop and Jeongguk takes Taehyung to it every time he comes to his house, because he knows the older is just seeking comfort in the coziness of his house. Dahye treats him like her second child, Jungsik never makes his presence feel like it’s a burden. 

Jeongguk knows something is going on in Taehyung’s house, but he doesn’t ask. He never ask, he just makes sure Taehyung feels loved outside of it.

“I really like you, hyung,” Jeongguk says, their foreheads touching and he feels his heart tremble when their noses brushes. He does his best to not look at the older’s lips, he never kissed anyone and doesn’t want to be awkward. But it registers to his mind what he said when he sees Taehyung’s surprised expression. His eyes widen and he tries to pull away, but Taehyung’s hand is still on his cheek and he doesn’t want to lose the contact. He craves it.

“I really like you too, Bun,” Taehyung whispers softly, his nose brushing Jeongguk’s, his eyes closing and Jeongguk just stares at him. He never felt like that for anyone, not even when some months ago the prettiest girl in the school confessed to him. He didn’t reply, he couldn’t. She’s pretty and funny, she really is. Smart, too. But Jeongguk already likes someone else and said someone else is making his heart beat in this very moment.

At midnight sharp, Taehyung smiles at him. “Happy birthday, Bun,” He whispers before pressing his lips to Jeongguk’s. They don’t know how to kiss, Jeongguk just became thirteen and Taehyung is still fourteen, they shouldn’t be thinking about kissing or other stuff couples do. But Jeongguk can’t help chasing Taehyung’s lips when he pulls away, pressing his lips more firmly, tentatively moving them along Taehyung’s when he kisses back. 

None of them is courageous enough to ask the other to be something more, we’re still little, Jeongguk thinks. But being thirteen years old doesn’t refrain him from falling in love with Taehyung. He might not know what love is, but Jeongguk is one hundred percent sure love is Taehyung. His smiles, his laughter, his arms around him, his hands caressing Jeongguk’s cheeks. Taehyung does the same things Jungsik does with his mom and they’re very much in love. So yeah, Jeongguk might still be a child, but he’s starting to understand what love is and he’s not ashamed of feeling it.

—

Taehyung introduces Jeongguk to Jimin and the three of them have so much fun that Jeongguk wonders what would have been if Taehyung didn’t defend him that day. They are growing up together and the more time he spends with Taehyung, the more he falls in love.

In less than four months they are going to Seoul to start anew there for collage and they are going to live with four other boys that both Taehyung and Jimin know, but Jeongguk doesn’t so they FaceTime with their friends a lot. He likes all of them and they seems to like him back, but there is one guy who doesn’t really talk neither looks at him. 

“You shouldn’t have asked about me living with you, you know? I mean, I don’t want to intrude. You all have known each other for so long.”

“You won’t intrude, Bun. I want you to stay with us.” Taehyung says, his whole body falling on top of Jeongguk’s, his head right where his heart is beating like crazy. “But mostly with me. I want you to stay with me.”

“Yeah?” Jeongguk asks, his hands coming up to caress Taehyung’s back, his fingers moving up and down, feeling the goosebumps erupting from his skin. “That’s why you asked about getting the bigger room for us?”

Taehyung hums and brushes his jaw with his lips, leaving a few wet kisses on it. Jeongguk wishes Taehyung would go up a little more and kiss him, or maybe just letting their lips brush, Jeongguk wants to feel, wants him. Jeongguk wants him.

“Want to sleep with you,” Taehyung says, his lips now kissing Jeongguk’s neck and his fingers digs into Taehyung’s skin when he feels the teeth, his own taking in his lower lip. “You make me feel safe.”

“Do I?” 

“You don’t even know how much,” Taehyung whispers, his arms on both sides of Jeongguk’s head, his eyes locking with Jeongguk’s. 

Jeongguk smiles as he looks at Taehyung, being nineteen now hasn’t changed anything about how he feels about him. It’s been so long since he understood that his heart belongs to Taehyung that it doesn’t even hurt not having him fully. 

“What?” Taehyung asks, smiling shyly as Jeongguk keeps looking at him, can’t really tear his gaze away. 

“You’re so pretty,” Jeongguk whispers, his nose brushing Taehyung’s and his hands still on his back, caressing it and scratching it, careful not to hurt him.

They’re both shirtless, their chests are touching and Jeongguk can’t get enough of it. Of feeling the weight of Taehyung’s body on his, of feeling his eyes on him, his lips on him. Jeongguk wants more, so much more.

“Not true,” Taehyung shrugs, their noses touching and Jeongguk angles his head, just to brush his lips, to at least feel it.

“Believe me,” Jeongguk says, his breath ghosting on Taehyung’s lips and he knows he feels it because Jeongguk feels Taehyung’s, “No one compares to your beauty, darling,”

And the glisten in Taehyung’s eyes are the very reason he’s going to call him darling for as long as he lets him, because Jeongguk can tell no one ever told nice things to Taehyung and Jeongguk wants to be the one, wants to teach him that being loved is possible if he lets people do so.

“Shut up,” Taehyung says, his face hidden in the crock of Jeongguk’s neck, his lips grazing his skin. “You are.”

Jeongguk shakes his head, wants to tell Taehyung that he is not as pretty as Taehyung. ‘Cause he’s pretty like the sun setting over the ocean after a long sunny day, he’s pretty like the cherry blossom when spring comes, he’s pretty like the snow that glistens as it falls, he’s pretty like a work of art, well, Taehyung is a work of art. He’s pretty like the sun shining through the clouds, like the rays of sun that warms his body like this very moment. But the sun comes in human form, as Taehyung.

“I’ll never be as pretty as you are, darling.” 

Taehyung smiles when Jeongguk leaves a kiss on the tip of his nose, his boxy smile showing when Jeongguk kisses his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks, his jawline, the corners of his lips. But Jeongguk doesn’t kiss, he’s scared of rejection even if the first kiss they shared was ignited by Taehyung, even if they’re very much physical with each other, more than they should be. Best friends don’t get hard by having the other on your lap, neither when one of them kisses your neck. Best friends don’t are attracted to the other, they shouldn’t be. Jeongguk shouldn’t be so desperate to touch Taehyung in a very intimate and inappropriate way, to feel more of his body or to crave him.

But he knows he’s not the only one, he knows Taehyung is affected, too. But they are just two cowards that are never going to confess their feelings to the other. 

“Sucks to be you then,” Taehyung says as he sticks his tongue out and Jeongguk smiles. He’s jawline fucking hurts from smiling this much, but when Taehyung is around he can’t help. His mother noticed it, too. She knows, she can tell her son is in love with a guy, but she doesn’t judge. Dahye welcomes him in her arms just like before. She smiles at him like before. She treats him like Jeongguk, simply as that. Because it doesn’t matter who he likes or what kind of hole is dick is going to fill, he’s still Jeongguk. 

“I could suck something else,” Jeongguk says, shrugging, waiting for a reaction, for Taehyung to pull away, anything. But he doesn’t, he just look at Jeongguk with wide eyes and reddened cheeks, and Jeongguk is so fond of him, so fond of his eyes, so fond of how childish he still looks, not in a bad way. But Jeongguk can tell something took away his childhood from him and he’s never going to judge Taehyung for it. “But yeah, sucks to be me I guess.”

“You shouldn’t be saying things like that, you know?” Taehyung asks, he’s being awkward as he tries to shift his body, angling it better to not let Jeongguk feel but he already did, he’s literally on top of him, his semi hard dick laying over Jeongguk’s hip. 

“Can’t help but get hard?” Jeongguk smirks, not letting Taehyung move as he traps him with his arms and legs, letting Taehyung feel. They’re just the same. Horny or in love, he doesn’t know. Maybe both.

“Look who’s talking,” Taehyung says, his eyes rolling back as his cheeks glow a more dark red shade. Fuck, Jeongguk is so in love. He’s afraid his heart can’t contain it anymore.

“I’m not shying away from it though.” Jeongguk’s brows lifts up, his tongue between his teeth, and Jeongguk wishes Taehyung would kiss his smirk away, anything, really.

“Who told you I’m shying away?” Taehyung smirks and Jeongguk’s insides are a fucking mess. His lips falls open when Taehyung aligns his body with Jeongguk’s, his forehead resting on his, his arms still on both sided of Jeongguk, and Taehyung’s fucking hard cock moving exactly on Jeongguk’s hard one. 

“Your cheeks tell me a totally different story than the one your mouth’s telling,” 

“What about you shut up?”

“Bossy,” Jeongguk says, a low moan coming out from his mouth when Taehyung’s hips move faster. “I like it.” He winks.

“Shut the fuck up,” Taehyung answers, hiding his face in the crock of Jeongguk’s neck, his lips grazing over it. 

Nothing happens. Well. Not really. Both of them make the other come just by feeling the other on top of them, Jeongguk wanted to involve hands, but he doesn’t think Taehyung’s ready yet. He doesn’t know if it’s because he gets shy about sex or if he has a problem with it, but with Jeongguk it never gets more than it already is. And he’s okay, he is. He just needs to know if Taehyung feels the same.

—

Summer finally starts. Well, their summer. It’s late May and Jeongguk, Taehyung and Jimin are on a train ride from Busan to Seoul, where they’re going to live from now on. Taehyung is sitting on the sit next the window, Jeongguk next to him, and Jimin in front of them. They talk, laugh, eat, tell each other about anything, literally. Jeongguk, though, has his camera with him. He records the view they have from the train, people laughing with their significant other, children who waves at him when they see the camera pointed at them and Jeongguk waves at them back. 

To make it less obvious he starts recording both his friends, they’re laughing about something Jeongguk doesn’t know and for the time being he focuses on Jimin, recording him as he puts a hand before his mouth to laugh, his eyes closing and forming crescent moons as he does so. 

Then is attention is on Taehyung, and the moment Jeongguk sees him from the camera his heart clenches. Taehyung is smiling a smile so big it must hurt his jawline, his teeth showing as his boxy smile comes into vision, his eyes glistening as he keeps looking at Jeongguk with that smile on his face, and Jeongguk smiles, too.

He doesn’t know how much time he spends recording Taehyung but at some point Jimin clears his voice and he stops, smiling shyly as he puts away his camera.

“So,” Taehyung asks as he gives the sandwiches his Mom prepared for them to Jimin and Jeongguk. As they unwrap it from the plastic, Taehyung keeps talking. “Are you going to finally make your move on Yoongi-hyung?”

By now Jeongguk knows them all, the FaceTime thing helped a lot to get to know them. But Yoongi didn’t seem to like his presence as much as the others liked it, every time they’ve talked with their friends, Yoongi never once addressed him even if Jeongguk tried to.

“What?” Jimin asks, coughing as he tries to not let it show, his reddened face. “Why would I?”

“Jimin,” Taehyung says, firmly. “I’m not that dumb. I’ve known you since we were toddlers. And I know you like him.”

“I don’t, Taehyung. I truly don’t. Maybe when we were teenagers, now I—I don’t.”

Jeongguk feels Jimin’s gaze on him and his brows furrow, he doesn’t intrude and keeps eating his sandwich without saying anything.

“Do you like someone else?” Taehyung asks, his hands trembling as he bites his sandwich. “Or what?”

“I guess you can say so,” Jimin shrugs, playing with the plastic of his still wrapped sandwich. “I’m confused.”

“Do I know the other guy?”

Jimin shakes his head way too fast. “No, you don’t.” 

Taehyung hums and doesn’t say anything else for the entire ride. Jeongguk feels useless because he doesn’t know who Jimin likes and didn’t even know he had or has feelings for Yoongi. He guessed, but he didn’t know.

When they arrive, Seokjin is the one who picks them up and brings them to their new house.

The house is big, Seokjin tells him that his father brought it for him and he didn’t put it into use until Namjoon and Hoseok were struggling to find a house. He welcomes them to the house and gives them a hug, and Jeongguk melts into it. He then meets Namjoon and Hoseok, who gives them a hug and a house tour and he fears he might lose himself into it.

After the house tour is over, Jeongguk falls on his bed and put his head on his crossed arms, closing his eyes and sighing. He has not meet Yoongi yet, it’s not like he is afraid but he doesn’t know what Yoongi thinks of him and he doesn’t know how to act when someone doesn’t like him. He has been bullied in the past and he has always ignored them, but he’s nineteen, he’s not being bullied anymore. 

“What’s on your mind, Bun?” Taehyung asks as he closes the door behind him, finding his spot on top of Jeongguk’s back, his legs on both sides of him, his hands massaging his shoulder blades. “Did something bother you?”

Jeongguk shakes his head, closing his eyes as Taehyung keeps working his hands on his back. “It’s nothing. I just don’t know what to expect from meeting Yoongi-ssi. I feel like he doesn’t like me at all.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know. All the times we face-timed he never answered my questions or anything like that. I know it’s childish, but I don’t know why I feel like there’s some kind of hatred towards me.”

Taehyung lowers down and puts his head on Jeongguk shoulder, his fingers touching along the younger arms, playing with the hairs on it. “I noticed it, too. And I don’t why is that, I truly don’t. But I promise is nothing serious, he’s just aware of his surroundings when he doesn’t know someone.”

“Do you like him? Or—” He clears his voice, hiding his face between his arms, his voice coming out muffled. “Does he like you?”

Taehyung sits on his back, making Jeongguk turn his body around so that now they’re facing each other, Taehyung lowering his body towards him. He leaves a kiss on his forehead as he looks at him, smiling. “If I liked someone else,” Taehyung starts, his hand resting against Jeongguk’s chest, the other caressing his hair. “Do you really think I would do, whatever it is that we do, with you?”

That’s the point. Jeongguk would like to know what the fuck are they doing, if Taehyung is doing all this because he has a crush on him, if he does so because he just wants to have fun and Jeongguk is dumb enough to put himself in a situation where, if that’s the case, he could hurt himself once everything is over.

“I don’t know,” Jeongguk says, honestly. “I don’t know what we are doing, I don’t know why we are doing whatever it is. But I need to know if you like Yoongi or if Yoongi likes you because if that’s the case, I don’t want anything to do with it.”

Taehyung smiles and leaves a kiss on the corner of his lips, shaking his head. “No, Jeongguk. I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. He has been in love with Jimin since forever.”

“Yeah?” 

Taehyung hums. “I’ve never thought of Yoongi that way. He’s, like, a brother to me.”

“Am I?” Jeongguk asks, a vail of insecurity adorning his voice. 

“I don’t know,” Taehyung shrugs, looking at him. “Would I get my dick hard whenever you touch me if I saw you like a brother?”

“Can’t tell,” Jeongguk smirks. “Could be some kink of yours for all I know.”

“If that eases your heart,” Taehyung whispers, his face coming closer to Jeongguk’s, their lips almost touching, Jeongguk feels his breathing hitting his lips as he talks. “I never thought about kissing one of them or sucking one of their cocks. If I want to do so, I want it to be you.”

At that, Jeongguk’s heart tugs. Taehyung is so close that it would take just a different angling of his face to kiss Taehyung and he desperately wants to. He wants, but every time he tries to, Taehyung pulls away.

What’s the point on waiting, anyway?

Jeongguk craves Taehyung. 

He craves Taehyung’s touch, craves Taehyung’s lips on his, Taehyung’s lips on his body. Jeongguk craves Taehyung’s hands. He wants to be Taehyung’s canvas, only his to paint. A white canvas ready to be used and to be painted by Taehyung’s emotions. Jeongguk wants to be his canvas every time Taehyung feels the urge to let his emotions leave his mind, his chest. Jeongguk wants Taehyung to paint his pain on him, to be his.

Doesn’t matter how. Jeongguk just wants to be Taehyung’s.

—

It’s early June. 

The weather’s pretty good, sunny days keeping them company and a slight breeze in the evenings makes it bearable to sleep. It isn’t too hot. Summer hasn’t even welcomed them yet, but the seven of them love how freely they feel on times like these.

They are already making plans. Three months feels a generous amount of time but at the same time Jeongguk feels like it isn’t enough. Jeongguk spent many nice summers with Taehyung and Jimin, but now, being the seven of them, it feels complete. 

Jeongguk really felt at home the very first moment he stepped on their house. He is usually very shy but beside Yoongi, who is maybe the most quiet, the others made him feel at ease. Don’t get him wrong, Yoongi has his own ways to show you he cares but that didn’t stop Jeongguk being the annoying little one he is. Yoongi’s words, not his. 

Some nights ago, they decided to go out to a pub, to live the life of Seoul at night. Jeongguk is so fascinated by the city, every time he spots something that tugs his attention, he has to stop and take it all in. Busan will always be his home, the one he feels most safe, but he’s glad he came to Seoul to start anew.

For the night, they decided to throw a ‘welcoming party’ to celebrate Jimin, Taehyung and Jeongguk’s arrival. They spent almost all afternoon preparing the snacks and alcoholic stuff, rearranging the layout of the living room, moving the couch towards the stairs that leads to Jimin, Taehyung and Jeongguk’s room, to have more room to dance and move between the bodies. 

“Stay still, Guk. I’m doing my job here.” Jimin huffs, Jeongguk giggles when the strokes of his makeup brushes tickles his face. 

Right now, they’re in Taehyung and Jeongguk’s room since they have the biggest one and Jimin literally spends more time in there than in his own. So it’s not awkward at all for them to be like this and Jimin is the closest to them, as a trio and individually.

“Jeongguk,” he hears Taehyung call his name and he’s sure he is fucking pouting. “Why is Jimin the only one allowed to do your makeup? I’m pretty good, too.” He’s in front of the mirror doing his own makeup and Jeongguk glances over at him and just stares. Jimin tries his best to keep his attention on him but fails.

Taehyung is so, so pretty. Like, the most beautiful person Jeongguk ever laid his eyes on. And Jeongguk has seen many beautiful people, but nobody could ever come close to Taehyung’s beauty.

Taehyung is only wearing a very big loose t-shirt, and Jeongguk is really sure it is his. Seeing Taehyung with his stuff on makes him weak in the knees. His bare thighs are very distracting and Jeongguk has kinda an obsession with them.

Because I might kiss you. Jeongguk almost replies, but he just shrugs, saying nothing. “In fact, I have to help Yoongi hyung with something,” Jimin says, bringing himself up from Jeongguk’s lap and he literally panics, grabbing Jimin wrist, mouthing a don‘t go but Jimin just smiles at him.

Jimin leaves the room before Jeongguk gets to say something or warn Jimin again to not leave him alone with Taehyung, not because he doesn’t want to, fuck, he does. But he doesn’t trust himself. It’s getting too much. In the span of literally two minutes, Jeongguk finds Taehyung on his lap. 

“Hi.” Taehyung says, smiling at him. Their faces are two inches apart, their noses brushing from time to time.

Jeongguk’s inside is literally in a war of its own. Butterflies flying around Jeongguk’s stomach, making him feel things he never felt with anyone else. Jeongguk doesn’t really understand a fucking thing of what is happening right now, Taehyung’s eyes locked in his, their faces so close that he doesn’t really trust himself to contain the urge to kiss his best friend. Jeongguk has Taehyung on his lap, half-naked, his fucking bare thighs in contact with the sides of his thighs, wearing his fucking t-shirt, looking at Jeongguk like he is worth it all. 

“You have to stop stealing my t-shirts, hyung,” Jeongguk says, keeping eye contact with Taehyung. His eyes are so pretty. 

“I’m not stealing them,” Taehyung says, his gaze so deep, like he is starring directly at his soul. Jeongguk feels his hands tremble and feels the urge to reach out, to touch. 

“I’m just borrowing. They’re so comfortable and most importantly,” Taehyung whispers, bringing his pretty, long fingers to his cheek, stroking delicately. “They smell like you.”

Jeongguk stays silent. Keeps starring at Taehyung like he is his fucking universe and it makes him feeling weak in the knees. His heart warning him to keep it cool or it could literally come out from his ribcage from how fast it is beating. Taehyung has always had a strong effect on him. Jeongguk literally feared for his heart every time Taehyung would come too close to him. Like they are now. “Yeah?” 

Taehyung hums, curling up on Jeongguk’s chest. Inhaling slowly, deeply. Jeongguk isn’t shy, he could very much kiss Taehyung right know if he wanted. But would Taehyung want it, too? Yes, he told him that Jeongguk is the one he wants to kiss, but does he, really?

Jeongguk lets his hand move on its own, coming in contact with Taehyung’s hip, bringing him closer. The other one on the side of Taehyung’s thigh, resting. As he’s going to leave a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead he feels Taehyung’s lips on his neck. Kissing it slowly, leaving a not-so-gross trail of saliva along his neck. 

His heart is beating so fucking fast. Jeongguk’s hands slips inside Taehyung’s — technically his — t-shirt, caressing the small of his back. He feels the goosebumps erupting on Taehyung’s skin beneath his hands as he strokes delicately his back. Taehyung then kisses his jawline, adjusting himself in a more comfortable position on Jeongguk’s lap. When Jeongguk feels Taehyung’s lips and teeth on a particular spot on his neck, sucking and biting to leave a mark on it, his grip on Taehyung tightens.

Then Taehyung looks at Jeongguk, biting his lower lip, coming way too close to his face. He smiles at him, leaving a few wet kisses on his cheeks. Jeongguk feels the ghost of Taehyung’s breath on his lips and when he leaves a kiss on the left corner of his lips, Jeongguk’s heart literally starts malfunctioning. 

He literally short circuits. 

Jeongguk wets his lips, turning his head towards Taehyung, stroking their noses together, tightening the grip Jeongguk has on his waist. He wants to kiss Taehyung so bad.

But the reality hits him. What the fuck are they doing? 

“Is it okay?” Jeongguk whispers, clearing his throat. He fears what Taehyung has to say about it, like, maybe he’s just having fun and wanted to try it with his best friend. Nothing more. “Between us, I mean.” Jeongguk clarify, bringing Taehyung closer to him. He strokes their noses together, again. Their lips almost touching.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Taehyung fucking smiles at him and Jeongguk could live in this moment forever if it meant Taehyung smiling at him like that always. 

“Aren’t we best friends?” 

Taehyung stays silent for a while, taking his time caressing Jeongguk cheek, looking at him like he is trying to memorize Jeongguk’s face.

“Are we, Jeongguk?” Taehyung whispers, placing his forehead on Jeongguk’s, this time being the one who strokes their noses together.

Are they? Jeongguk doesn’t know. They’re often too intimate to be best friends. They cuddle way too much for two best friends. Sometimes they would just stare at each other, without any words needed between them. So many times they almost kissed. They were never really best friends. The very first moment they shared, being like this was when Jeongguk was thirteen and Taehyung almost fifteen. The first time their lips touched.

“Are we, Taehyung?” Jeongguk smirks.

“Getting bold, I see,” Taehyung smiles, looking at his work on Jeongguk’s neck, grinning. “I will not cover it with makeup,” Taehyung says, looking at Jeongguk, leaving a kiss on the right corner of his mouth. “Are you cool with it?”

Jeongguk smiles, nodding. “I am.” This time he is the one to leave a wet kiss on both corners of Taehyung’s mouth. Jeongguk was never a fan of hickeys, but getting one from Taehyung makes him feel closer to him and wishes he could mark Taehyung up with his own shades of purple, burgundy, red. He wants to attach his lips on Taehyung’s neck, use it as his own canvas and paint it.

After getting his makeup done, Jeongguk lets Taehyung cuddle him more before deciding it is time to change since the first people are starting to arrive and out of the seven of them, they are the only ones missing.

Jeongguk is wearing a black shirt, leaving open the first few buttons, tucked into a pair of light blue jeans, making his tiny waist stand out. His hair wavy, fluffy. Courtesy of Jimin. “Do you really have to be this handsome?”

Taehyung is behind him, leaning on the side of the door. Did Jeongguk already say Taehyung is the most beautiful person he ever laid eyes on? He’s so fucking beautiful. A black and white shirt half-tucked in black jeans, most of its button opened. Jeongguk is fucking jealous that literally anyone can look at him. Jeongguk, still looking at the mirror, locks eyes with Taehyung. 

“Do you?” Jeongguk asks back.

“Well, I am,” Taehyung shrugs, gaze so deep that Jeongguk feels his legs almost giving out. Taehyung’s eyes are so pretty, deep.

Jeongguk can see so much in them, how often they feels empty. How in that emptiness Jeongguk sees his entire world. Jeongguk knows that Taehyung tells him a lot of lies. He knows. But how can he be mad at him when Taehyung’s eyes are asking, imploring Jeongguk to keep looking at them? 

Jeongguk turns himself facing Taehyung, taking a few steps closer to him. “Are you saying I’m not?” Jeongguk scoffs, bringing his right hand on Taehyung’s face to move a strand of hair out of his face. Taehyung got a hair permanent a week or so ago and he is so, so beautiful. 

Taehyung is now leaning towards Jeongguk, leaving a small kiss on the left corner of his mouth, then leaving a kiss on the tip of his nose, and finally on the right corner of his lips, resting his lips there for a little longer.

Jeongguk wants to kiss him so bad. “That’s not really fair, hyung,” 

“What’s not fair?” Taehyung asks, bringing Jeongguk closer, now chest by chest. Can Taehyung feel how fast his heart is beating? “I won’t kiss you.” 

“I’ll make sure Mingyu kisses me tonight, then,” Jeongguk smirks, glad he can tease Taehyung like that, and the grip tightening on his waist serves as a reply for Taehyung himself. “I’m sure he’s a better kisser than you’ll ever be,” Jeongguk says, leaving a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead.

At least for Mingyu it was never a problem to kiss Jeongguk when they used to fuck around — it can’t even be called that, Jeongguk has to be honest. Simply, Mingyu never made a big of a deal when it came to kiss. That’s all it ever was and they were fifteen so, yeah — before whatever he and Taehyung have started.

He walks over the mirror, looking at Taehyung while he puts some gloss on his lips and then, before leaving the room, “Don’t you dare bring someone to fuck in our room tonight, though.”

—

Turns out, Jeongguk doesn’t kiss Mingyu. Or, more likely, he doesn’t get the chance to actually do it. Taehyung keeps him close all night. They dance together, laugh together and Taehyung smiles so much that Jeongguk is sure his heart could literally burst out of his ribcage anytime.

The fact is that Taehyung doesn’t really smile much. Ever since they were little, Jeongguk never saw Taehyung’s beautiful smile as much as he wanted to. So he tried — and still tries to do so — his very best to put a smile on his face every time they saw each other and this night brings Jeongguk back to his childhood spent with Taehyung.

Thirteen isn’t an age where you have to understand what love actually is, but he did. May it be the kiss Taehyung gave him the day of his thirteen birthday, may it be his smiles, his caresses, everything that has to do with him. But thirteen years old Jeongguk knew that the love he craves, the one he wants and the one he was so desperately trying to feel and searching for, bears Taehyung’s name. 

Love are Taehyung’s smiles. Love are Taehyung’s gentle hands that always welcome Jeongguk’s cheeks. Love are Taehyung’s kisses on the forehead every time Jeongguk cries because it gets overwhelming. Love are Taehyung’s arms that always welcome Jeongguk’s broken soul. Love are Taehyung’s hands on him, when he tries to picture what he is going to paint on Jeongguk’s body. So many times Jeongguk thought of them like Jeongguk is Taehyung’s canvas and Taehyung is his palette. Full of bright colors, to let Jeongguk forget about his colorless life, because Taehyung is the one who made Jeongguk see for the first time a life full of colors. Love are Taehyung’s brushes that strokes his skin so delicately, like he is afraid to break an already broken Jeongguk. Love are Taehyung’s whispers, things meant to be heard by Jeongguk only. Love are Taehyung’s lips that are now dancing along Jeongguk’s throat, hands bringing him closer by the waist, like he really means everything that is happening between them.

“Hyung,” Jeongguk whispers, right hand between Taehyung’s hair, left hand on his shoulder. “Kiss me,” Jeongguk sighs when Taehyung’s teeth came in contact with his skin. “Please, kiss me.” 

Taehyung shakes his head. “I’m afraid I can’t, Jeongguk,” Taehyung whispers, leaving a kiss on Jeongguk’s nose. Jeongguk lowers his gaze, can’t bring himself to look at Taehyung’s eyes. “Hey,” Taehyung grabs Jeongguk’s chin, turning his face, making him look at his eyes. 

Jeongguk is so weak. 

“It’s not you, I promise.” 

“It’s okay,” Jeongguk smiles. “I shouldn’t have asked in the first place. I know whatever’s going on between us means nothing to you.” 

Silence falls upon them, Jeongguk searches Taehyung’s eyes with his own, hoping that Taehyung will tell him that’s not true, but the only thing Taehyung’s doing is avoiding Jeongguk’s gaze. 

“Isn’t it?” Jeongguk pushes, too much hope in his heart.

Silence. Again.

Why does Taehyung’s silence hurt Jeongguk so much?

Jeongguk nods at himself, walking past people’s bodies who are dancing on their living room, leaving Taehyung by the stairs. He hears someone calling him but he doesn’t turn back. 

Jeongguk needs to leave. He doesn’t know where he is going but Jeongguk knows for sure he doesn’t want Taehyung to see how badly in love Jeongguk is with him and maybe him storming off that way is childish, but Jeongguk needs to get away, needs to clear his mind and believe that nothing will ever happen between them.

Is there a way to fall out of love with Taehyung? Can it happen over night? Why does loving someone hurt so much? Why does his chest have to hurt so much?

Jeongguk wants all the hurt he accumulated in his life to stop. He’s sure his heart isn’t big enough to contain all of it.

Every time Taehyung touches him, Jeongguk thinks he is special. But he fucking knows that the moment he steps inside the house, he would find Taehyung kissing someone other’s lips that aren’t his. 

He knows Taehyung sometimes fucks around, but Jeongguk is tired of seeing Taehyung with other people. The irony if it all is that Jeongguk might be one of them and really, what could he possibly do or say? Taehyung isn’t his and probably never would be.

So why is Jeongguk hurting from this situation? Can’t he put a stop on it? 

Taehyung made it very clear. He won’t kiss Jeongguk. Isn’t it being rejected? 

Jeongguk has so much hope still. And it drains him from how hard he hopes and still hopes that Taehyung could feel the same way about him.

—

When he comes back, the house is silent. It seems like everyone already left. Wait. It couldn’t be that late, could it? He takes out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans, unlocking it. 4:15AM. 

Before putting it back on his pants, he reads the messages that are popping out now that his phone is connected to their WIFI. 

jimin hyung:
everything alright? if you need something, hyung’s here
the door of my room is if anything happens

hobi hyung:
you’re worrying me out kid.. hope everything’s ok 

taehyungie:
bun.. i’m sorry. come home, please :(
please jeongguk. i’m sorry.
i love you

Jeongguk feels hopeful again. He knows that going upstair could potentially break his heart again, but Jeongguk is hoping that maybe Taehyung really means it.

Jeongguk’s holding the door handle, ready to open it and cuddle with Taehyung in his bed, big enough for them. But, the very moment he hears Taehyung moaning he lets the door handle go like he was just electrocuted. 

“Jaehyun-ah, kiss me,” he hears Taehyung say. 

Of course. Of fucking course. 

Did he really think that Taehyung wouldn’t bring someone to fuck in the room they shared? 

He crumples on the floor, bringing his right hand on his chest, hitting it so hard because it couldn’t stop hurting. Maybe causing his own pain would make him feel less the pain that bears Taehyung’s name. Jeongguk is so tired. 

He doesn’t even know how much time he spends on the floor, crying his heart out, but the moment he hears Taehyung and Jaehyun talking, meaning it is over, he stands up and with trembling hands, Jeongguk opens Jimin’s room door and without saying a word, he cuddles himself up to Jimin’s chest.

“Again?” Jimin mutters.

Jeongguk nods. Jimin hugs Jeongguk, bringing him closer to him, caressing the back of his head. “I’m sorry, Guk. Hyung knows how much it hurts. I don’t think I can help with your broken heart when I’m just the same.”

Jeongguk knows. Jimin is the one who asked Jeongguk if he was in love with Taehyung, and Jeongguk is the one who asked Jimin it he was in love with Yoongi.

“We just have to hang in there. Someday it will get better.” 

Jeongguk hopes so, too.

—

mingyu:
i wanted to ask you something yesterday but your hyung
taehyung.. told me to go fuck myself when i asked about you

He chuckles.

jeongguk:
i’m sorry to hear that ㅎㅎ i don’t know why he acts like this
what did you want to ask?

mingyu:
r u sure he doesn’t like you or something 

Jeongguk looks up, starring now at Taehyung, sighing. Even if he is marked up by someone else who surely isn’t Jeongguk, Taehyung is still so pretty with all these love bites on his neck. Jeongguk wishes he was the one who painted Taehyung’s neck, and probably body too, like this. Wishing is the only thing left for Jeongguk.

jeongguk:
yeah, he doesn’t. i’m just his best friend lol don’t worry
so?

mingyu:
how do i ask you this…..
r u.. fuck

jeongguk:
wait wait ㅋㅋㅋ are you acting all shy kim mingyu?
who are you and what have you done to him?

mingyu:
fuck you asshole

jeongguk:
that’s it. that’s the mingyu i know ㅎㅎ
so? are you gonna ask or what? dickhead

mingyu:
fuck you

jeongguk:
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

mingyu:
i know we used to fuck around and you know how much i enjoyed it, fuck i would do it again if you asked
but can we like.. go out on a date? a real date?

Jeongguk doesn’t even know he’s smiling until he hears Taehyung and his smile drops, quite like his heart when he hears his tone.

“Stop fucking smiling at your damn phone!” Taehyung says, almost shouting, slamming his table spoon on the table. Jeongguk’s eyes go wide like almost all of them. “We’re eating breakfast, Jeongguk. Don’t be a child like always and put the damn phone away.” 

Don’t be a child like always.

What right does Taehyung have to be the one to be mad when even Jeongguk, who is on the receiving end, can’t say something about the situation? He knows his place, but clearly Taehyung doesn’t.

Namjoon looks up, feeling called out since he’s too on his phone. He’s adorable. Jeongguk locks his gaze with Namjoon’s and just smiles at him. He’s sure Namjoon can see his eyes filled with tears. He starts biting his lower lip, unsure of why Taehyung’s talking to him like that.

“He’s not a child, Taehyung.” Hoseok says, holding gaze with Taehyung. “Jeongguk can do whatever he wants to do, he’s nineteen. You’re twenty-one. What right do you have to scold him when you just put your phone down?” Hoseok scoffs, slamming his spoon table on the table, too. “Flash news, Taehyung. Jeongguk can do the fuck he wants. Just like everyone else. So, kindly, just shut the fuck up and eat your damn breakfast.” Hoseok says, eyes never leaving Taehyung’s but Jeongguk sees Seokjin putting his hand on Hoseok’s thigh, caressing it to calm him down. 

“Is it him?” Taehyung asks, eyes leaving Hoseok’s, landing now on Jeongguk. Jeongguk looks at him, without confirming or denying, biting his upper lip. “Look at yourself, Jeongguk. Giggling like an idiot because you really think someone could be stupid enough to be interested in you.” Taehyung scoffs and Jeongguk feels like someone is stabbing repetitively his heart. 

“I think I did the wrong thing defending you from Yeongcheol. Maybe he was right. Even your parents—”

“Fuck you,” is the only thing that comes out of Jeongguk’s mouth. A strangled fuck you, full of hurt. Because Taehyung is hitting him were it hurts the most and he fucking knows, but he just had to say it. 

Clearing his voice, he continues. “Nobody asked you a damn thing back in the day, so if you need someone to blame,” Jeongguk says, looking Taehyung dead in the eyes, pointing at him, “Then fucking blame yourself. Because I was getting ready to be fucking beaten up, like the usual, but you wouldn’t know that, right? Then shut up, Taehyung. Just don’t.”

“The one who doesn’t fucking know a thing it’s you, Jeongguk.” Taehyung’s voice is too loud, his chest rising and falling way too fast. “Just. Shut up.” 

Taehyung is trembling and Jeongguk feels like shit for how he just talked to him. So, the moment he sees Taehyung standing up, he does the same and stops Taehyung, taking his hand, caressing the back of it with his thumb. Trying to calm him down. “How can I know when you’re not telling me anything?” Jeongguk asks, lowering his voice.

He doesn’t want to argue with Taehyung. Sometimes they do. They argue literally over nothing, just for the sake of hurting each other. 

But this time feels scarier. 

“And I won’t tell you shit, Jeongguk.” Taehyung says, leaving his hand abruptly, like Taehyung just touched fire. “Like I won’t kiss you nor fuck you, so fucking stop trying to seduce me because I don’t want anything to do with you.” Taehyung turns back, facing now Jeongguk. “You fucking disgust me.”

Jeongguk feels his already broken heart scatter to million pieces and he pictures Taehyung stepping on it repeatedly while you fucking disgust me repeats in loop on his mind. Does Jeongguk really disgust Taehyung? If that’s the truth, then why was Taehyung the one to initiate whatever was going on between them? 

It started way earlier than yesterday’s night and he knows Taehyung knows. But why is Taehyung blaming him? 

“Taehyung.” Jimin warns. 

“What? Didn’t you know that Jeongguk is trying to seduce me?” Taehyung chuckles, turning towards Jeongguk, and when he has his full attention, Taehyung decides to stab Jeongguk on the heart, again. “You’re such a whore, Jeongguk. Look at yourself.” Taehyung chuckles again, but Jeongguk sees that pain in his eyes. 

Is Taehyung bearing too much pain? Could Jeongguk do anything to take Taehyung’s pain away and make it his, just so Taehyung doesn’t have to suffer like he’s doing?

He feels a pair of arms circling his waist, small hands caressing his chest which is rising and falling way too fast for his liking. What did Jeongguk do to deserve it?

“What?” he whispers, “I-I’m not. Darling—”

“Don’t call me that! Shut the fuck up, Jeongguk. Shut up!”

Jeongguk has never seen Taehyung like that. What is happening? Who hurt Taehyung this bad? Is this his fault, too? 

“Taehyung. That’s enough.” Seokjin sighs, coming in front of Jeongguk, giving him his back and looking at Taehyung dead in the eyes, caressing Taehyung’s cheeks when he takes his face between his hands. “Calm down, please.”

“You don’t mean any of the bullshit coming out your fucking mouth,” Namjoon says, pressing his hands on Taehyung’s shoulders, caressing them from behind. “Just calm down and apologize to Jeongguk, please.” 

“No.”

“Taehyung,” Yoongi says, making his way out between the six people now standing close to one another to separate the two of them, moving closer to Taehyung, asking Namjoon and Seokjin to give him space, welcoming Taehyung between his arms. “Don’t do it. Don’t. You’re not like him,” Yoongi whispers, caressing Taehyung’s back, trying his best to calm him down. “You’re not, and you don’t want to hurt Jeongguk like this.”

Jeongguk tries to reach out and hold his hand but Hoseok shakes his head, “Don’t. He’s vulnerable. He only lets Yoongi touch him in moments like these.” Hoseok says, leaving a kiss on Jeongguk’s temple. 

After two minutes or so, Jeongguk speaks again.

“Hyung. I’m sorry if I said or did something that might have triggered you. I’m sorry. I didn’t— I’m sorry, hyung. Please don’t be mad at me.” Jeongguk whispers and Jimin just brings him closer, Hoseok wiping Jeongguk’s tears. 

Taehyung doesn’t answer, Jeongguk can only see how much he is trembling in Yoongi’s arms. Do they know something he doesn’t? Or it is just Yoongi and Jimin?

“Darling..” Jeongguk tries again but Taehyung remains silent, his body trembling violently and it is so fucking scary to watch Taehyung being like this and not being able to do something to help. Without saying a word, Yoongi brings Taehyung to his own room.

“Is Taehyung mad at me? Did I do something wrong, Jimin-hyung?”

“You didn’t, love. He’s not. Trust me.”

—

After that episode Taehyung doesn’t talk to Jeongguk for almost three weeks. He made very clear the fact that he didn’t want to sleep in the same room as Jeongguk, so he had been kind enough to let Taehyung have the room all for himself and Jeongguk slept on the couch, for several days. Sometimes he couldn’t bring himself to sleep so he spent nights writing letters to Taehyung, just because he wanted and felt the need to. Confessing his love, writing about Taehyung’s eyes and how much he loves them. Telling him how pure and special he is, that none of what his heart is bearing is his fault. He apologized, too.

Guiltiness is eating Jeongguk alive. Jimin assures him every day that none of what happened is Jeongguk’s fault but that doesn’t refrain Jeongguk to feel like it is.

“Do you love him?” Hoseok asks when they stop practicing the next choreography for the video Hoseok wants to film. 

“What?” Jeongguk gulps. 

“Taehyung,” Hoseok says, smiling. “Do you love him?” he repeats. 

Fuck. Jeongguk loves Taehyung so much it hurts more than what happened, more than the silence between them. They never spent so much time without talking to each other and he is so scared of losing him. Jeongguk understood that nothing is gonna happen between them. He just wanted back his Taehyung. His best friend.

Jeongguk’s lips curls up in a tiny smile. He nods. “Yeah. I do. But I.. I know he doesn’t feel the same. He made it very clear and — And that’s okay! Really. I just want us to be friends again.” Jeongguk shrugs.

Hoseok smiles. “I’m really sorry for what happened, Jeongguk. Sometimes he has these episodes. He struggles with coming to terms with what he does and that leads him to shut himself down.” Hoseok says, gulping down half bottle of water, and Jeongguk does the same. “He hates himself for what he said to you.”

“I don’t want him to. Tell Taehyung I already forgave him, please.” Jeongguk feels a pang on his chest, he just wants to go to Taehyung and take him in his arms, telling him it’s okay. That Jeongguk doesn’t resent Taehyung.

“Mmh,” Hoseok hums. “Tonight there is this party at the beach near our house, from what I hear all of us are going,” Hoseok smiles at Jeongguk, patting his hair. “So if you wanna tag along you’re more than welcome, kid,”

After practicing some more, Jeongguk leaves the practice room because he really needs to take a shower so he takes advantage of the fact that there is silence to enter their room and Jeongguk’s surprised that Taehyung isn’t here. 

Or with someone.

He takes a shirt, ripped jeans and a pair of boxers from his wardrobe and when he opens the door handle of the bathroom, Taehyung is here. Curled up on himself on the room’s floor. Trembling.

Fuck. “Hyung? Hyung can I—” but Taehyung shakes his head. 

“Don’t. I don’t want to hurt you. Call Yoongi, please.” His voice is so deep that Jeongguk isn’t sure Taehyung ever spoke in the past days.

“He’s not here.” Jeongguk says in a barely audible whisper.

Taehyung stays silent but Jeongguk can’t bear the way he’s trembling so, carefully, he moves closer to Taehyung. He’s in front of him now, lowering himself at the same height as Taehyung. Jeongguk doesn’t realize his own hands are trembling until he tries to reach out to Taehyung.

“You’re not gonna hurt me.” Jeongguk whispers, caressing Taehyung hand. Both of them trembling.

Is Taehyung’s heart trembling, hurting just like Jeongguk’s heart is?

“You could never, hyung. I’m Jeongguk. Your Jeongguk.” Jeongguk says carefully, smiling at Taehyung, wishing he could take away the pain Taehyung’s eyes are holding.

“Please. Don’t. I can’t be near you.” 

“Don’t push me away, Taehyung. Please.” 

“I don’t deserve it.” Taehyung says, curling himself up even more, refusing to hold Jeongguk’s hands even if Jeongguk isn’t letting go. He can’t.

“You deserve so much more than what I can give to you, Taehyung.” Jeongguk says, slowly bringing his hand on Taehyung’s cheek, carefully caressing it and when he feels Taehyung leaning on Jeongguk’s touch, he smiles.

Taehyung looks at him with such pain that Jeongguk feels like suffocating. “I’m never gonna think about you in a different way for what happened, hyung. You’re still my Taehyung.”

“I lied to you so many times.”

“I know.” 

“I don’t deserve your kindness.”

“You do. You deserved it since the first time you defended me when everyone else was laughing at me, making fun of me.” Jeongguk caresses his cheek, feeling Taehyung leaning some more. “You were the one who put multiple bandages on my broken heart that day. And you took me with you. I owe you my life, quite literally.” Jeongguk chuckles. 

“Stop.” Taehyung lets out in a strangled voice. “You can’t tell me all of this after the shit I’ve said to you.”

“It’s okay.” Jeongguk says, letting Taehyung put his head on his shoulder. “I didn’t believe it, anyway.”

He feels Taehyung’s lips twitching in a small smile before sighing, taking Jeongguk’s hand on his, playing with his fingers. “You’re not a whore. I’m sorry I called you that. I’m sorry for blaming you when I was the first one to make a move on you. I’m sorry I can’t help but be jealous of you and Mingyu. I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I’m so mad at him.” 

There is something unspoken lingering in the air, but Jeongguk doesn’t want to force Taehyung to talk if he didn’t want to. “Don’t worry about it. I forgive you.”

“I regret what I said about Yeongcheol and.. your parents.”

“It’s okay,” Jeongguk repeats, “I forgive you.”

“You shouldn’t.” Taehyung whispers. “I’m an asshole.”

“That’s right. But I love you.” Jeongguk says, intertwining their fingers. Their hands looks so good together. 

Do you? Jeongguk’s eyes are screaming at Taehyung as he looks at him, but the silence that follows is quite too loud.

“Do you wanna take a shower with me? I think you really need some cuddles and I’m willingly offering myself to cuddle you.”

Jeongguk turns his head, looking at Taehyung. He is so, so in love. He can feel his heart racing every time he looks at Taehyung and the fact that Taehyung doesn’t feel the same about him hurts Jeongguk. 

How could his heart feels so much love for Taehyung when it is hurting?

Taehyung nods. Jeongguk stands up, offering his hand that Taehyung takes carefully. Jeongguk leaves a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead before walking towards the tub, opening the shower mixer, letting it fill with warm water and putting a strawberry flowered shower gel in it since he knows Taehyung loves it.

Then he turns back to Taehyung, smiling gently. “Do I help you or you can undress yourself?” Jeongguk asks, carefully. 

“Help me,” Taehyung whispers. “Please.” 

Taehyung’s eyes are literally screaming at Jeongguk that he doesn’t want to be alone, that he is scared of something. “Okay,” he nods. “I’m helping you.”

Jeongguk’s heart is hurting so bad seeing his Taehyung this vulnerable, he never saw him like this and in this very moment he understands that Taehyung never really trusted Jeongguk enough to let him into his heart. It hurts, Jeongguk isn’t going to lie. He thought he was important for him but clearly Taehyung doesn’t think the same.

With trembling hands Jeongguk helps Taehyung undress, starting from his t-shirt, “Still stealing, huh?”

Taehyung smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes, but still. A smile is a smile, right? “I told you,” He shrugs. “They’re comfortable.” He takes his t-shirt off Taehyung’s body and since Taehyung had his arms still up to help him, Jeongguk turns his head to leave a few kisses on his right arm, noticing some bruises. Some fading hickeys, sure. But others are really bad bruises. And Taehyung is avoiding his gaze.

“Wasn’t Jaehyun kind enough to leave you his t-shirt?” Jeongguk regrets it as soon as it comes out of his mouth, he didn’t meant to say it at all. “I’m sorry.” 

Taehyung shrugs again. “I wanted yours.”

Jeongguk nods. He helps Taehyung undress until he’s left wearing only his boxers. Then he gives his back to Taehyung, taking off his t-shirt.

He stops untie the knot of his sweatpants when he feels a pair of hands on his waist, Taehyung’s hair tickling his nape. “I wanted to sleep with you that night. I wanted to have you embracing me all night long. I wanted to feel your heartbeat. I didn’t want anything that happened with Jaehyun.” Taehyung whispers and Jeongguk doesn’t want to believe any of it. 

He doesn’t want to give his heart false hope.

“He wasn’t even at the party,” Taehyung starts, circling Jeongguk’s bust with his arms, caressing exactly where his hurting heart is. 

“He’s kinda.. Obsessed with me,” Taehyung inhales. “And he kinda hates you. Someone who was at the party told him the way I was acting with you and he was mad. I stayed up waiting for you to come home in the living room, I was scared that something might’ve happened to you and I was going to call you but —” 

“But?” Jeongguk turns himself, facing now Taehyung. “Was it consensual, Taehyung? Was it? Did Jaehyun hurt you?” Jeongguk asks, his heart beating way too fast, his hands now holding Taehyung’s face. “Please tell me it was. Please.”

Taehyung shakes his head. “I was aware of what was happening. But I didn’t have a say, Jeongguk. I didn’t want him to hurt you. So I just played along. I’m sorry.”

Taehyung’s pretty eyes are filled with tears and Jeongguk, looking at them, feels so damn guilty. Taehyung gave his fucking body to someone just so that piece of shit wouldn’t do anything to Jeongguk. 

“I could’ve handled some more physical hurt, Taehyung. I could’ve. It’s nothing for me. But this? I can’t fucking look at you because guiltiness is eating me alive. Don’t ever do something like that ever again, please.” Jeongguk says, placing his forehead on Taehyung’s. “Promise me.”

“I’m sorry, Jeongguk.”

“Promise me, Taehyung. Please.”

Taehyung nods, tightening his grip on Jeongguk’s waist, bringing him closer. “I promise you Jeongguk, never again.”

“Fuck,” Jeongguk inhales deeply, circling Taehyung waist with his arms, keeping Taehyung close to him. Taehyung snuggles his nose on Jeongguk’s cheek. “Did he hurt you?” 

“A bit. But it’s okay. It’s been three weeks, it doesn’t hurt anymore.” Taehyung reassures him, moving his left hand from Jeongguk’s waist bringing it to his nape, caressing it. 

“But does your heart hurt like mine is hurting, Taehyung?”

Even Jeongguk doesn’t really know what the fuck he’s trying to do, he just wants to feel Taehyung close to him. He wants Taehyung to feel how fast his heart is beating when he is near him. Jeongguk’s tired. 

“Does your heart scream my name just like my heart screams yours? Does it, hyung?”

“Jeongguk..” 

“Does it?” Jeongguk insists. “My heart’s fucking calling your name. It has been for so long, Taehyung. Does yours want me the same?”

“Shut up, please.”

When Jeongguk hears his strangled voice he fucking stops breathing. Is Taehyung rejecting him, again? Is it really all in Jeongguk’s head? Is he really that stupid to think someone, someone like Taehyung, could be interested in him? 

“I’m sorry,” Jeongguk whispers. “I’m sorry, hyung. Please forget everything that I said.” Jeongguk is putting his t-shirt on when Taehyung asks, “What are you doing?”

“I’ll let you shower in peace. I’m gonna ask Hoseok hyung if I can use his shower.”

“Don’t. I want to be cuddled.” 

“I’m gonna ask Jimin if he can come to you.”

“Don’t avoid me, Jeongguk. I want you to cuddle me.”

“I’m not avoiding you. I just.” He sighs. “I can’t delude myself. Not anymore, hyung.”

Taehyung comes closer to Jeongguk, taking his hands and leaving small kisses on his knuckles. “You’re not deluding yourself. Everything you’re feeling is right. I just need time.” Taehyung says, looking at Jeongguk in the eyes and if Jeongguk would, he could literally make Taehyung’s eyes his home. “I feel the same, but I need to come in terms with myself. I need to stop hating what I am.”

And then Jeongguk looks at Taehyung’s eyes, searching where the lie is lying but, for the first time in so long, Jeongguk can’t find it. Taehyung’s eyes are so sincere and that’s what fucks Jeongguk up, every time.

The fact that Taehyung told him many lies doesn’t hide the sincerity his eyes holds every time he looks at Jeongguk.

Jeongguk’s heart is beating so fast he fears it escaping his ribcage anytime soon.

Is everything happening so fast? Jeongguk doesn’t really care. If his heart is meant to be tied to Taehyung’s, then so be it. Jeongguk’s doesn’t care about the time spent wishing to hear and feel that Taehyung’s heart is calling his name, too if it is meant to be.

“I’ll help you hold onto me, hyung.” Jeongguk says, coming closer to Taehyung, circling his waist with his arms. His face now turning towards Taehyung, stroking his cheek with his nose. Then, “Learn how to love yourself while watching me loving you. Don’t push me away,” Jeongguk whispers right into Taehyung’s ear, leaving a kiss below it. “Let me be your canvas, hyung. Use me to love yourself. Use me to paint your pain, your joy, your happiness.. everything. Just use me. I’m here for you.”

“Once I do, it’s over, Jeongguk.” Taehyung whispers, “I don’t think I can leave you, then, if you let me do that.” Taehyung is now holding Jeongguk, too. Chest by chest. Each other’s feeling the erratic beat of their hearts, screaming each other’s name over and over again.

“As if I could ever let you leave me,” Jeongguk smiles, and so does Taehyung. “As if I could ever leave you.” 

—

Once Jeongguk and Taehyung finish their shower, the two spend a lot of time in Taehyung’s bed. Just cuddling. Just letting their hands explore each other’s body, laughing and just being by each other’s side.

They did that a lot of this back then. And Jeongguk is brought back to that time, too, when Jeongguk would always act like he was the hyung between the two of them and Taehyung never minded it. 

“Are you going tonight?” Taehyung’s asks, caressing the small of his bare back. Taehyung’s free hand on his chest, Jeongguk’s hand between the strands of Taehyung’s hair, the free one just resting on Taehyung’s arms that is circling his waist. 

“Hoseok told me that all of you were going,” Jeongguk says, caressing Taehyung’s hair. “Are you not?”

“I dunno. I wanted to go just to get drunk, to be honest,” Taehyung whispers, “Old habits die hard.” 

“You don’t need it to overcome pain, hyung. I told you,” Jeongguk says, grabbing Taehyung’s chin to make him look at Jeongguk. “Use me.” Jeongguk whispers, stroking his nose with Taehyung’s. 

His hand now moving on his own accord, stroking Taehyung’s jaw carefully, leaning towards him. Jeongguk craves Taehyung’s lips and would do anything to kiss him but he would never force Taehyung to do anything if he isn’t ready. Jeongguk would never behave like Jaehyun did, forcing Taehyung to do something he didn’t want.

“What are you thinking about, Bun?” Taehyung says, locking eyes with Jeongguk, bringing his hand on his chest, resting it right where his heart is. 

“Nothing,” Jeongguk says, taking Taehyung’s hand and intertwining their fingers. “Bun, huh? Old habits die hard indeed,” Jeongguk smiles, leaving a kiss on Taehyung’s nose. 

Taehyung smiles, closing his eyes. “I like the way my heart feel at ease with you,” Taehyung says after some moment spent in silence between the sound of their heart beating for each other’s, and Jeongguk’s heart starts racing the moment Taehyung speaks.

“What do you mean?” Jeongguk asks.

“When I’m with you,” Taehyung starts, whispering. Something meant to be heard by Jeongguk only. So Taehyung comes closer, their foreheads almost touching. “My heart just seems to stop..” Taehyung stops, frowning like a baby, the tip of his tongue between his lips. “Hurting? Everything in me calms down. My racing thoughts, my trembling hands,” He whispers, then adds, again, “Everything.”

Taehyung is beating his lower lip, meaning he has much more to say so Jeongguk doesn’t say anything for a while, just waits for Taehyung to keep talking and after a two minutes of complete silence, he does.

“That’s something only Yoongi knows. And I don’t want you to think that I lied to you because I don’t trust you, okay?” Taehyung says and Jeongguk just nods, caressing Taehyung’s cheek with his free hands. Taehyung loves psychical touch and Jeongguk is more than happy to give it to him.

“What do you mean when you say that everything in you calms down?” Jeongguk asks, encouraging him.

“When I was a kid, I had so many thoughts a kid my age shouldn’t really have. I still have them, sometimes.” Taehyung says, eyes closed. Inhaling, he continues. “Since I met you, it’s not like I don’t have them anymore. It’s just— they just stop coming when you’re near me. Right now, I don’t have them because you’re here with me,” Taehyung scoots closer to Jeongguk, intertwining their bare legs. “The past three weeks were hell for me, but I couldn’t have you here. I might’ve hurt you.”

Jeongguk smiles. He is glad Taehyung is opening to him, even if he isn’t telling him everything but Jeongguk is okay with it. As long as he could be a safe place for Taehyung, he wouldn’t ask for anything more.

“You would never hurt me. I know you.” Jeongguk whispers, leaving another kiss on Taehyung’s nose. io

“I don’t trust myself around you. But my heart and mind does,” Taehyung says, coming closer to Jeongguk’s face. “And my heart screams for you just the same, Jeongguk,” 

Jeongguk could feel the ghost of Taehyung’s breath on his lips, hands searching each other’s, eyes staring at the other’s like they could literally talk, confessing to each other’s without the need of actual words. 

“Will you kiss me, Taehyung?”

“There’s no turning back, Jeongguk. If I do, which I totally would, there’s no turning back,” Taehyung whispers, each other’s heart beating so fast. 

“No turning back,” Jeongguk whispers back, nodding, gazing Taehyung’s lips with so much lust. 

At the idea of finally kiss Taehyung, Jeongguk’s heart begins to race like it never did. They are both just starring at each other’s lips, none of them making a move. And Jeongguk kinda likes the way it is happening with so much carefulness. Both of them respecting the other, trying to hide the fact that both are scared. 

Jeongguk brings his hand on Taehyung’s face, cupping his cheek, caressing it. Carefully, Jeongguk’s thumb finds its way to Taehyung’s lips, just resting there for a while. After some time, his thumb is moving along the shape of Taehyung’s lower lip. “You have such pretty lips, hyung,” Jeongguk whispers, looking at them.

Taehyung smiles, lips moving to leave a kiss on Jeongguk’s thumb. Jeongguk’s gaze moving between Taehyung’s eyes and lips, scooting closer. There isn’t even an inch of distance between them and Jeongguk wants to feel Taehyung’s body close to his till the day he’d die.

Taehyung is growing impatient, from being the one who denied Jeongguk a few kisses before to being the one who is now desperate to be kissed. So, Jeongguk decides to tease him some more.

He moves his head closer to Taehyung’s, letting him feel the presence of his lips on his, just to turn his head away when Taehyung tries to kiss him, grinning. He leans down and starts leaving some wet kisses on Taehyung’s throat, one hand grabbing Taehyung’s side. 

“These pretty lips want you to kiss them,” Taehyung whispers, his mouth trying not to leave noises as Jeongguk starts sucking a particular spot on his neck and Jeongguk knows Taehyung is delicate on that same spot, so it is on his favor.

“Yeah?” Jeongguk mutters, continuing his work on Taehyung’s neck and without even noticing they shifted positions. To being on their side, facing each other, to Taehyung lying on his back and Jeongguk on top of him. 

“Hyung wants,” Taehyung whispers, panting, his hands on both sides of Jeongguk’s waist. “Wants you to kiss him,”

“Not so long ago I wanted it too, but,” Jeongguk says, leaning down and making Taehyung feel the presence of his lips on his, again. “Do you remember what Hyung told me, though?” Jeongguk asks. “I won’t kiss you,”

Taehyung just looks at Jeongguk with his big puppy eyes and Jeongguk is so fucked up that he can’t resist them so he leans down, leaving a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead, resting his lips there for a bit. Then, slowly, he moves his lips leaving a kiss on both of Taehyung’s eyes since they’re still a bit swollen. After that, Jeongguk’s lips begins tracing a path on Taehyung’s face, kissing his cheekbones, his cheeks, both corners of Taehyung’s lips. 

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung whispers, not even an inch between their lips. They are about to finally kiss. “Kiss me,”

And so Jeongguk does. He just smiles at Taehyung, moving a strand of Taehyung’s hair out of his face, leaning definitely and letting their lips meet for the first time since Jeongguk dreamed of it. Taehyung’s lips are soft, now dancing with Jeongguk’s who is tasting strawberry chapstick. He wants to kiss Taehyung forever. They both smile on the kiss, meeting each other’s teeth for how big their smiles are. And Jeongguk truly wants to see Taehyung smiling like this every day from now on.

They separate just to look at each other after quite some time they spent kissing, smiling like two fools. “I want to kiss you forever,” Jeongguk whispers, caressing Taehyung’s flushed cheek. 

“Nothing lasts forever, silly,” Taehyung says, smiling at him. His eyes are so bright right now, shining a light that Jeongguk hasn’t seen in so long. 

And maybe it is too soon to hope for a forever between the two of them, but Jeongguk had spent so many days, months, years, wishing to finally have Taehyung. It took him long enough to have him. Dreaming with his eyes open couldn’t hurt much, could it?

“Me and you,” Jeongguk says, tsks, looking at him like there’s no tomorrow, like it is the last time he could say such things. “We’re forever.”

—

It is almost the end of July, the weather is so fucking hot and Jeongguk hates it. The seven of them spend a lot of time together, they know how to have fun together and Jeongguk’s feeling of finally belonging somewhere never leaves him. 

Jeongguk has known Hoseok, Seokjin, Namjoon and Yoongi for almost a year now. They face-timed a lot before coming to Seoul, just to know each other. He didn’t expect to bond with all of them so quickly since Jeongguk always struggled a lot to make friends when he was a kid, but he’s glad they are the ones Jeongguk can proudly call friends. 

“Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin shouts loud enough to let Jeongguk hear it from the house, “Can you help me bring the snacks and the beverages?” 

Before Jeongguk stands up, he feels Taehyung’s hand circling his wrist. “Kiss me?” 

Jeongguk smiles and obliges, leaving a kiss on Taehyung’s lips and after doing so he enters their home, walking the small hallway, turning right into the kitchen and then his heart drops.

Jimin is crumpled on the floor, hugging himself, crying. “Hyung? Hyung what happened?” Jeongguk asks, the beating of his heart erratic. Jeongguk hates seeing his hyungs suffer and every time he sees them hurting, Jeongguk wishes he could take their pain away. To being the one suffering all the time if that meant their happiness. 

Jeongguk lowers himself, taking Jimin’s face between his hands. “Is it Yoongi-hyung?” Jeongguk whispers and Jimin nods. “What happened?”

“We started hooking up the begging of this summer,” Jimin begins, trembling. Jeongguk caresses his cheek, waiting for Jimin to continue talking. “We talked about it because it’s almost two months and I thought, you know,” Jimin sniffs, “That maybe he would understand that he felt the same. But after we talked about it, Yoongi decided to end it. He understood I have feelings for him.” 

“And he doesn’t?” Jeongguk asks, Jimin just nods. He sighs. “Look, hyung. I don’t want to delude you but, from what I see, Yoongi-hyung looks at you the same way I look at Taehyung. And I guess that says a lot.” Jeongguk smiles, wiping Jimin’s tears. Leaning closer just to leave a kiss on Jimin’s forehead. “Just give him time, okay?” 

“I’m tired, Jeongguk. I’ve liked him for so long and I really thought that giving him my body was enough to let him like me back. I’m such a fool.” Jimin sobs.

“You are, Jimin. Fuck, I never wanted you for just your body and I hate that you think that way of me.” A voice behind Jeongguk says and that is Jeongguk’s clue to leave them alone. He smiles at Jimin, stroking his cheek just on more time before standing up. Jeongguk turns towards Yoongi, “He’s vulnerable right now. I know you know it. But don’t break his heart, hyung.” Jeongguk whispers, patting Yoongi’s back and with Hoseok’s help they brings the snacks and beverages out.

Jeongguk really hopes Yoongi and Jimin can try and figure out whatever is going on between them just like he did with Taehyung. Living the moment is so much better than resign and never knowing all the what ifs.

—

It is late afternoon, the seven of them are still outside their front yard. Jeongguk sees Jimin and Yoongi interact after they talked and he’s glad, but he’s still worried about Jimin.

Jimin locks eyes with him from time to time and just smiles at him, sometimes he gives a thumbs up and tries hard to make the small smile he gives him to seem real when he feels Jeongguk’s eyes on him. But, Jeongguk knows. He’s just trying. It doesn’t reach his eyes.

Jeongguk and Taehyung are lying down sharing a deck chair, while the others are on the pool laughing and playing around. “Bun?” Taehyung calls, his lips moving along Jeongguk’s neck, hands caressing the small of his back, bringing Jeongguk closer.

Jeongguk loves the idea that both of them seems to not get enough of feeling the other’s body close, or the other’s lips on his body or lips. They were far more physical but they didn’t get the chance to make the next step.

They aren’t even boyfriends, to say the truth. And Jeongguk is afraid all of it might just be a summer thing. Jeongguk just going to trust Taehyung and what they have and just live the moment for the hope of it all.

“Mmh?” Jeongguk starts caressing Taehyung’s scalp, leaving a kiss between his hair. 

“What’s on your mind?” 

“You.” 

“I hope nothing bad,” Taehyung smiles, glaring at Jeongguk with such bright eyes that Jeongguk’s heart starts racing way too fast. 

Jeongguk smiles back, putting Taehyung’s chin up with two fingers under it, leaning down and kissing him, slowly. Savoring his lips, testing again Taehyung’s strawberry chapstick and even if Jeongguk doesn’t tell Taehyung, he knows for sure that Taehyung knows it makes Jeongguk crazy.

“Please keep kissing me forever,” Jeongguk whispers, breaking from the kiss just to take a breath of air, “I don’t think I can live without your lips on mine anymore,” Jeongguk says, kissing Taehyung again and again and again.

Taehyung kisses Jeongguk back, moving on Jeongguk’s lap, his thighs on each of Jeongguk’s side. Jeongguk’s hands moving on their own accord, caressing the small of Taehyung’s back and without realizing, his hands are now on Taehyung’s ass, squeezing it a little.

Taehyung whimpers, rolling his hips down on Jeongguk’s crotch area and Jeongguk’s mouth leaves a sound his ears don’t register but surely Taehyung likes because he keeps on rolling his hips, tapping his tongue on Jeongguk lower lip asking for access and Jeongguk grants it, their tongues now dancing together.

“Fuck,” Jeongguk whispers, panting. Taehyung breaks from the kiss, grinning at Jeongguk. “You’re a menace,” Jeongguk looks up at Taehyung, leaving a last kiss on his lips.

“I don’t plan on stop kissing you anytime soon,” Taehyung’s says, smiling. His hands now on Jeongguk’s shoulder, leaning down to whispers on his ear, “You’re lucky,” he stops, leaving a kiss underneath it, “That I like you so much,” another kiss, this time on Jeongguk’s jawline.

“I like you more,” Jeongguk says, squeezing one more time Taehyung’s ass, putting his hands on both Taehyung’s sides.

Taehyung smiles, kissing Jeongguk again. Jeongguk kisses him back, bringing Taehyung closer to him, Taehyung’s arms now circling his neck.

“Taehyung,” Yoongi calls. 

Taehyung pulls back immediately. “What?”

Yoongi’s gaze is deep and Jeongguk can’t quite decode from it what it is about. He never saw Yoongi like this.

“He called,” Yoongi sighs, “You have to go back to Daegu in less than two days,” Yoongi says, sitting on their deck chair, taking Taehyung’s hands that are now trembling. 

“What? Why?” Jeongguk asks.

“Want hyung to come with you?” Yoongi asks, locking his gaze with Taehyung, both of them ignoring Jeongguk. 

“I don’t want to go back, hyung. I’m scared.” Taehyung says, his gaze dropping on his lap. The only thing that Jeongguk can do is hugging Taehyung closer to him, Taehyung putting his head on Jeongguk’s chest.

“I know. I know, Taehyung,” Yoongi says, caressing Taehyung’s hands. “You don’t have to do this alone, I’ll go with you.”

“But Jimin—”

“I talked to him. He’s cool with it.”

Taehyung nods. “Thanks, Yoongi-hyung.” 

Yoongi just smiles, kissing Taehyung’s forehead. He looks at Jeongguk, smiles and ruffles his hair, leaving the two of them alone and Jeongguk just brings Taehyung impossibly closer.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” Jeongguk says, a little heartbroken to see Taehyung like this. “Just know I’m right here. And if going with Yoongi-hyung makes you comfortable then bring him with you, okay?”

Taehyung nods, curling up on himself, letting Jeongguk hug him.

“I won’t ask you anything. You don’t have to tell me shit about this, whatever it is that makes the brightness in your eyes go away. I hate that.” Jeongguk says, kissing Taehyung’s forehead. “For how long will you stay?”

“I don’t know,” Taehyung whispers, “It’s not up to me,” 

Jeongguk nods. “I’ll wait for you.”

—

The day before Taehyung is going back to Daegu, they spend the whole day together. Jeongguk hasn’t even opened his eyes when he feels a pair of lips leaving a wet trail of kisses on his back. Taehyung’s hands and lips are dancing on his back like he is, in fact, a white canvas ready to be filled with bright colors, depicting a bittersweet feeling.

Is that feeling Taehyung’s or his own?

Jeongguk doesn’t really know what’s going on with Taehyung’s life or family. He’s always secretive when it comes to it, never truly did Taehyung tell him a thing about his family but if not telling him meant he could still see the brightness in his eyes, then Jeongguk isn’t sure he wants to know.

Jeongguk would do anything to take Taehyung’s pain away. He doesn’t really care to be the one to suffer, he just wants Taehyung to be happy. Such beautiful eyes doesn’t deserve to look this empty, lifeless, tired. Taehyung doesn’t deserve any of it.

“I know you’re awake,” Taehyung whispers, leaving a kiss on his nape and resting his head on Jeongguk’s shoulders blade. “Are you already spacing out? What’s on your mind?” Taehyung asks, caressing Jeongguk’s sides. 

“I’m thinking about,” Jeongguk says, tossing around so now Taehyung’s arms are crossed and resting on Jeongguk’s chest, his chin supported by his wrist,“How lucky I am to have you,” Jeongguk brings a hand on Taehyung’s face, moving some strands of his hair out of his face, stroking his cheek with his knuckles. “How lucky I am to look at your eyes,” Jeongguk whispers, looking at Taehyung, smiling, “Sunset are nothing compared to your eyes, baby,” 

Taehyung takes his lower lip between his teeth and Jeongguk sees how much it’s trembling and his heart clenches, hurting just from seeing Taehyung like this. “I don’t deserve any of this, Jeongguk,” Taehyung says, eyes rimming with tears. 

“What causes you so much pain, darling? What can I do to stop it?” Jeongguk asks, his own eyes rimming with tears. “Tell me, please.”

Taehyung stays silent, gaze dropping to Jeongguk’s lips. “Can I kiss you?” Taehyung asks, bringing himself up, Jeongguk nods and Taehyung leans down to kiss Jeongguk and his hands automatically finds its place on the small of Taehyung’s back, caressing it. Taehyung sighs in the kiss when Jeongguk’s brings him closer, shifting their positions. Both of them are now lying down on their sides, legs tangled together, hands caressing each other’s, seeking comfort from the other’s body.

“Can you help me?” Taehyung asks when he breaks from the kiss. 

Jeongguk just nods. “Help you with what?”

“I don’t want to think about anything that makes my heart be in pain,” He says, caressing Jeongguk’s cheek, “Because it means your heart is suffering, too. And I don’t want that,” Taehyung says, placing his forehead on Jeongguk’s. 

“What can I do for you?” Jeongguk whispers, stroking their noses together.

“Bring me to the beach, let’s have a day for us,” Taehyung asks, voice breaking in the middle of the sentence. “Please.”

“Anything for you,” Jeongguk nodded, kissing the tip of his nose, smiling. “Anything.”

—

Jeongguk does. He brings Taehyung to the beach after getting ready a picnic basket with some sandwiches and lots of strawberries. 

Jeongguk is really worried about Taehyung, though. He doesn’t know what is happening and he’s sure Yoongi is the one who knows all of it. Jimin seems to know something, too. And since he met Taehyung for the first time, the older always made sure that Jeongguk wasn’t alone, sad or that he wasn’t hurting. But what assured Jeongguk that Taehyung was fine? 

Nothing. Jeongguk has no fucking clue about why Taehyung is bearing so much pain and hurt alone all this time and if he only knew sooner, he would’ve tried to make Taehyung happy thousand times harder. 

“No negative thoughts, Jeongguk,” Taehyung says, leaving a kiss on Jeongguk’s shoulder, caressing his nape.

“Mh?”

“You’re spacing out. Meaning you’re thinking about something that makes you worry and I know you’re worrying about my situation but please, Jeongguk. Don’t. I want to be happy today,” Taehyung says, his voice getting lower and lower. 

“I want you to be happy all the damn time,” Jeongguk replies back, turning his head towards Taehyung. “But I’ll make you happy today and I’ll make sure you remember this day till we get to meet again,” Jeongguk leaves a kiss on Taehyung’s temple, trying to give Taehyung the best smile. 

“Thank you,” Taehyung says, looking at Jeongguk’s eyes and giving him a true smile. Jeongguk smiles back.

“For what, baby?”

“For making my heart beat. So many times I wished it to stop but with you,” Taehyung says, placing himself on Jeongguk’s lap with his legs on both sides of Jeongguk’s side, his heart racing so fast. “With you, I want my heart to never stop beating,” 

Jeongguk smiles, bringing Taehyung’s body closer to him leaving a kiss on his chest, right where his heart was resting putting his head on it after. “You make me feel alive, Taehyung,” Jeongguk whispers, hugging Taehyung tight.

“You make me want to be alive, Jeongguk.”

Taehyung puts his fingers under Jeongguk’s chin, putting it up to brush their lips, the back of Taehyung’s hand caressing his jawline.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Jeongguk whispers, bringing his hand on Taehyung’s cheek, his thumbs finding its way to Taehyung’s lower lip, caressing it just to lean down and kiss him, slowly. Taehyung’s hands circles around Jeongguk’s neck, kissing him back, taking his lower lip between his teeth, sucking it before Jeongguk put his tongue on Taehyung’s mouth. Lips and tongues dancing together, their hands searching each other.

Jeongguk can’t stop kissing or touching Taehyung even when they break from the kiss, bringing his lips on the older’s neck, starting to leave a trial of wet kisses making his way from his neck to his collarbones, his chest and returning up just to leave kisses on his jawline, meeting his lips one more time. Taehyung smiles and kisses Jeongguk back, caressing the nape of his neck, playing with the little hair there, threading his fingers on Jeongguk’s hair. 

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Taehyung says when they finally break apart from each other, caressing Jeongguk’s face and looking at him with so much affection. “I don’t think I can call you but I’ll try to text you, okay?”

Jeongguk knows it is a lie, he knows it because when Taehyung isn’t telling the truth, he doesn’t look straight into his eyes. He is looking at Jeongguk, yes. But he’s avoiding his gaze at all costs.

“Okay,” Jeongguk just nods.

—

It is late afternoon, the sun is setting and Jeongguk and Taehyung are admiring it. But Jeongguk is admiring Taehyung, currently between his legs, back pressed on his chest. Jeongguk’s arms around Taehyung’s waist, the fingers of their hands intertwined. 

Jeongguk is so in love that his chest is fucking hurting right now. He knows that tomorrow morning Jeongguk is going to wake up alone and he hasn’t a fucking clue of how many days will pass before seeing Taehyung again. 

“Not even this sunset compares to your beauty,” Jeongguk whispers. They are pretty much alone on the beach now, and if there are some others couples, they aren’t on the same spot as them. It is so calm, the sounds of waves crushing down on the shore, the beating of their hearts. It is so magical. 

“Nothing is prettier than you,” Taehyung says, kissing the knuckles of Jeongguk’s hand. “I’m gonna remember this day for a very long time.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmh. You made me so happy, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk is glad. They laughed a lot, played in the water, danced in the middle of the beach while strangers passing smiled at them. Taehyung laughed so much when they were dancing that Jeongguk wanted to stop the time and live in that exact moment for a very long time. They cuddled, kissed some more. They are so happy. 

“I’m really glad, hyung.” Jeongguk says, kissing his nape.

“I want to ask you one last thing,” Taehyung whispers, leaning his head on Jeongguk’s shoulder and turning to look at him, leaving a kiss on his jawline. 

“What is it?” Jeongguk’s asks. 

Taehyung smiles, closing his eyes when he feels Jeongguk’s lips on his forehead. “I want you to make love to me, Jeongguk.” 

Jeongguk’s eyes go wide as he turns his head to look at Taehyung, they have never gone further than making out or touching each other’s body, Jeongguk didn’t want to force Taehyung into anything after what happened with Jaehyun. 

“What?”

Taehyung smiles, making his way on Jeongguk’s lap, his arms circling his shoulders, their noises stroking together. “I want you to make love to me,” Taehyung whispers, “Right now, here,” Taehyung kisses his lips just one time, “Make love to me, baby,” 

“Darling,” Jeongguk whispers, bringing his arms around Taehyung’s waist, looking at him like his entire universe is being held by Taehyung’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything, he just leans down and kisses Jeongguk like he has never done before. He kisses him slowly, careful. Like Jeongguk’s lips are his canvas and Taehyung’s lips are paintbrushes, painting Jeongguk’s lips with the exact same colors of the sunset, resting now on the waves. Shades of purple, pink and orange now intertwining together, like Jeongguk and Taehyung’s bodies. 

They are tangled to each other, trying to feel the other as much as possible. Jeongguk’s hands dancing on Taehyung’s body, Taehyung’s lips painting his feelings upon Jeongguk’s. They are making an abstract painting that would for sure always be hanging on the walls of their hearts. 

“Are you clean?” Taehyung asks after breaking apart from the kiss, hands now tangled between Jeongguk’s wavy hair. “Because I am. I got tested after everything that happened with Jaehyun,”

“I am, too. Are you sure?” Jeongguk asks, caressing Taehyung’s back, leaving a kiss on the tip of Taehyung’s nose.

“Never been so sure of anything in my life,” Taehyung says, taking Jeongguk’s face between his hands, brushing their lips together. “I want you.” he whispers before kissing Jeongguk again.

Jeongguk kisses him back, putting a hand on the back of Taehyung’s head, switching their positions, Taehyung now laying on the beach towel, his legs open to welcome Jeongguk’s body, Jeongguk’s hands on both sides of Taehyung’s head. He breaks their kiss just to look at Taehyung, smiling life a fool in love.

Taehyung puts his arms up, sliding his hands underneath Jeongguk’s, intertwining their fingers and smiling back. “I can’t get enough of the way you look at me,” Taehyung says, caressing the back of Jeongguk’s left hand with his thumb. 

“I’ve always looked at you like that and always will,” Jeongguk whispers, taking is time to memorize all Taehyung’s future even if he knows all of them by heart. “Until you get sick of me,” Jeongguk says, leaving a kiss on his lips.

“I’ll never get sick of you, baby,” Taehyung says, “Never,” he whispers.

“Because,” Jeongguk whispers between Taehyung lips, his lips just resting on Taehyung’s. “We’re forever.”

“We are.” Taehyung says, firmly. Kissing Jeongguk like he is sealing the unspoken promise lying between them. 

They keep kissing for a very long time, but at some point Taehyung gets impatient and lifts his hips, rolling them towards Jeongguk’s. So Jeongguk does the same, he rolls his hips feeling Taehyung’s half-hard cock on his own. 

“How do you want this?”

“I like it rough. I like it when it hurts and you don’t really have to go slow, but..” Taehyung stops, avoiding Jeongguk’s gaze.

“I’m not gonna do something you don’t want me to, darling,” Jeongguk says, leaving a few kisses on Taehyung’s forehead. “How do you want it?” Jeongguk asks, leaning down just to stroke affectionately their noses together, getting a smile from Taehyung. 

“Just like this,” Taehyung says, “I want to remember this forever,”

Jeongguk nods. “We will have so many memories to tell our babies someday,” he says, half-joking, half-meaning it. 

“Our babies, huh?” Taehyung scrunches his nose, laughing. “Aren’t you going a bit too far?”

Jeongguk shrugs, smiling, “Slowly, then?”

Taehyung nods, “Slowly.” He repeats, breaking one of their hands apart just so he could take the lube from the basket, handing it to Jeongguk. “Please. Make it slow. I want this to be special.” 

At the sound of his broken voice, Jeongguk glances up and lock his gaze with Taehyung’s and Jeongguk could see again, how much pain are holding Taehyung’s eyes.

Jeongguk nods again and Taehyung smiles, closing his eyes so Jeongguk leaves a kiss on both of them. “I want you to look at me, darling. Let’s just forget about all this pain for a bit,” Jeongguk says and Taehyung eyes open up. “It’s just me and you.”

“You and me.” Taehyung nods, trying to give Jeongguk his best smile and Jeongguk’s heart clenches. 

“I adore you,” Jeongguk says, since he can’t really confess his love to Taehyung when they aren’t even official. 

Jeongguk kisses Taehyung like it is the last time he’ll see him, (that’s actually accurate), tightening the grip on his hands, fearing that they’d might slip away from his grip anytime soon. Jeongguk keeps kissing Taehyung for a long time and at some point his hand leaves Taehyung’s just to dance around his body, caressing Taehyung’s side. Smoothly, his hand find his way to the waistband of Taehyung’s swimming suit, his hand now moving along the length of Taehyung’s cock, smirking when he hears Taehyung hissing. 

After playing a bit with Taehyung’s dick, Jeongguk emerges his hand from the swimming suit and slides it down, reveling Taehyung’s naked body.

“You’re so gorgeous, darling,” Jeongguk says, looking up at Taehyung and smiles when he sees his cheeks flushed. “So pretty,” he says, kissing Taehyung’s tummy, getting lower and lower until his hands lowering down Taehyung’s swimming suit and his lips found its way to Taehyung’s dick, taking it on his mouth.

Taehyung gasps, hands now between Jeongguk’s hair pulling them a bit and Jeongguk moans, letting his mouth dance around Taehyung’s dick, helping himself with his hand. 

“You’re so good, fuck,” Taehyung keeps his hand firmly on Jeongguk’s hair, caressing them from time to time so Jeongguk scalp wouldn’t hurt as much with all the pulling, while Jeongguk keeps sucking Taehyung’s dick, letting his tongue tease the head of his cock, licking along the length of it. “So pretty with hyung’s cock on your pretty mouth,” he says, voice deep.

Jeongguk keeps sucking him off till his near and then pulls up with a loud pop, smirking.“Wait till I get to see you with my dick up your ass,” Jeongguk says, kissing Taehyung’s tummy again and coming up to kiss Taehyung’s lips. “I’m sure you’ll look so good,”

Jeongguk then takes the bottle of lube, putting it in his hands and working it so it wouldn’t be too cold in contact with Taehyung’s skin. Jeongguk teases him, circling his rim with his fingers, taking his sweet time opening Taehyung up. Once he’s done, he spends a lot of time just looking at Taehyung. At how pretty he is with strands of his wavy hair sticking to his forehead cause of the hot weather and for the stickiness of their bodies, their skin melting on each other’s.

“I wish you could see yourself right now,” Jeongguk says, lowering himself to kiss Taehyung. He couldn’t really get enough of it, could he? “So gorgeous,”

Taehyung smiles a lazy smile, already fucked up. “You’re so good, Jeongguk. I feel so calm.”

Jeongguk caresses his cheek, smiling. Lowering his swimming suit, letting Taehyung see his naked body. Then takes the bottle of lube again, putting it on his hard cock while looking at Taehyung who is biting his lips.

“You’re so big,” He says, “Your dick is pretty,” His eyes go wide, his tongue licking his lips.

“Shut the fuck up,” Jeongguk chuckles, “Not the time to compliment my dick,”

Jeongguk aligns his dick to Taehyung’s entrance, leaning his body towards Taehyung to move strands of hair out of his face, “Are you ready?” He asks. 

Taehyung nods. “Go slowly, that’s all I ask,” Taehyung says and Jeongguk nods back, leaning to kiss him while his dick makes his way inside Taehyung, bottoming out a few times just to let Taehyung adjust to his dick’s size.

“You can move,” Taehyung whispers between the kisses and once Jeongguk gets his approval, he starts thrusting his hips inside Taehyung, making love to him just like Taehyung asked.

This time, Taehyung is his canvas, Jeongguk the paintbrush. Painting yet another painting. That one tells all of Jeongguk’s unspoken feelings: how hard his heart has been beating for Taehyung all this time. How Jeongguk hands has been trembling every time Taehyung touched him, every time Taehyung’s brush stroked his skin, every time Taehyung’s eyes landed on his and Jeongguk found its home in them. How grateful Jeongguk is that Taehyung is the one who found him and give him what Jeongguk never really felt: a home, a safe place, what love meant. 

Taehyung was, is and will always be what love is for Jeongguk. Taehyung will always be the prettiest painting hanging on the walls of his heart and his eyes will always be what Jeongguk considers home. Because even if Taehyung tells him a lot of lies, Taehyung’s eyes never once lied to Jeongguk. Neither the beating of his heart right now, while Jeongguk thrusts into him, slowly, rolling his hips while he makes love to Taehyung. 

“You’re so pretty,” Jeongguk whispers between Taehyung’s lips, never getting enough of them. Jeongguk keeps kissing him while their bodies dance together, Taehyung’s fingernails now leaving marks on his back, his legs half-bending, opening a little more just to make more room for Jeongguk.

“I hope I never lose you, Jeongguk.” Taehyung whispers somewhere in between the kisses and the moans that are escaping both their mouths, keeping Jeongguk close to him and turning his head to whispers it again on Jeongguk’s ear. 

“You won’t,” Jeongguk whispers back, his hips keeps on moving, finding Taehyung’s spot based on the sound his mouth lets out, so he angles their bodies together to have more room and keeps fucking into Taehyung. “I can’t and I won’t lose you, Taehyung,”

He leaves a kiss on Jeongguk’s lips. “It can’t end, Jeongguk.” Taehyung lets out in a strangled voice and Jeongguk connects their lips together, again. Kissing Taehyung like it is enough to let him know how Jeongguk feels towards him. 

“It won’t, darling,” Jeongguk says. “We’re forever, remember?”

Taehyung smiles, nodding. “We’re forever.” He repeats.

The both of them don’t last very much long, just a dozen more thrusts is all it takes for both of them to come at the same time. 

“I adore you, too,” Taehyung says, kissing him one last time, keeping their bodies tangled together. “Thanks,”

Jeongguk smiles, his head resting on the crook of Taehyung’s neck, his cock still inside Taehyung, softening. “Was it okay?”

Jeongguk feels Taehyung nod. “I loved it. Just like I wanted it,” Taehyung whispers, resting his lips on Jeongguk’s forehead, leaving a few kisses on it. 

Jeongguk’s heart feels at ease now hearing the erratic beat of Taehyung’s heart tangled together with the sound of the ocean, their heartbeats dancing together like the waves were dancing with the sun setting on them. Meaning he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

“I’ll miss you so much, baby.”

“Me too, darling.”

—

After they return home and shower, they spend the whole night awake. Sometimes Yoongi comes in their room just to assure himself Taehyung is doing okay when he’s literally not, but he doesn’t tell it to Yoongi. Even if Jeongguk is sure Yoongi can tell.

They’re laying down on Jeongguk’s bed, his arms keeping Taehyung closer to him, Taehyung’s back against Jeongguk’s chest. He tries his best not to think about it, tries to distract Taehyung by leaving kisses on his nape. “Darling,” Jeongguk whispers, even if he doesn’t need to, but he knows that Taehyung is vulnerable right now and all he needs is silence.

The moment Jeongguk feels Taehyung’s body tremble, he tightens his grip on him, kissing his nape, again. “Want me to call Yoongi hyung?” He asks, knowing all too well Taehyung might snap at him. But Jeongguk wants to be there for him.

“Don’t,” Taehyung replies, barely a whisper coming from his mouth. Jeongguk nods, his forehead now on Taehyung’s shoulder blades. 

Jeongguk doesn’t even know when he starts crying. He doesn’t even know why, but Jeongguk is scared. Scared it might be just a summer thing, that by the time Taehyung comes back he’s going to leave him behind. Jeongguk is accustomed to it, but if Taehyung might be the one to leave him behind, Jeongguk isn’t sure he’s going to overcome it.

“Don’t cry, please,” Taehyung lets out in a strangled voice, turning himself to face Jeongguk, putting his forehead on Jeongguk’s. “I’ll come back,” he says, caressing Jeongguk’s cheek. “I just don’t know when.” 

“That’s what scares me,” Jeongguk says, gazing up. Wishing he didn’t when he sees how much pain are Taehyung’s eyes holding, again. “But what hurts the most is that I can’t do anything to make all that pain go away from your heart,” Jeongguk says, sighing. “But do you want to know what makes my heart hurt more?”

Taehyung shakes his head, but Jeongguk speaks anyway. “My heart aches at the thought of you coming back with more scars to heal when the old ones aren’t even healed yet.”

“Stop.”

“I.. Taehyung, I l—”

“Don’t say it. Don’t.”

“But—”

“You can’t. Please. I’m not enough to be deserving of it.”

“Does my love scare you?” Jeongguk asks, trying to ignore the sparkle of Taehyung’s eyes and the mere mention of the word love. 

“It makes me want to be alive, Jeongguk. But I don’t deserve it.” Taehyung replies, tears now the main character of Taehyung’s eyes. “And I don’t really know what it is, I’m not able to love.”

“You deserve it so much more than you think, Taehyung,” Jeongguk says, coming closer to Taehyung just to leave a kiss on his lips, Taehyung’s finger brushing off his dried tears. “I wasn’t really sure I could give love, too,” Jeongguk says after breaking apart from Taehyung’s mouth, already craving more. “But when it comes to you, loving comes so easy to do.” 

“How come?”

“You’re so easy to love, darling,” Jeongguk says, smiling. “I don’t even know when I started loving you or how, I just know that I do.” Jeongguk caresses the small of Taehyung’s back, putting his head on the crock of Taehyung’s neck, leaving a kiss on it. Taehyung is silent, caressing Jeongguk’s nape.

“But I won’t say it if you don’t want to hear it or you can’t say it back, which is totally okay,” He says after a while and he tries to believe it as well, but what Jeongguk really wants is for Taehyung to feel the same about him.

When he feels Taehyung just nodding he sighs, but nonetheless he looks up and smiles at him, leaving a kiss on his chin. “Do you want to get some sleep?”

“No. I can’t sleep even if I try,” Taehyung says looking at Jeongguk, gazing even the smallest detail of Jeongguk’s face, leaving a kiss on the little scar he has on his left cheek. “I prefer looking at you,” 

“You do quite a lot.”

“I know. I like your face,” Taehyung says, smiling while still looking at Jeongguk’s face, caressing it with the back of his hand. 

“I like you a lot more, tho,” Jeongguk says, knowing damn well it is more than just liking but he is going to be okay as long as he can be with Taehyung. As long as his arms can be around Taehyung’s waist. As long as he can kiss Taehyung. As long as Jeongguk can have Taehyung, he is fine with whatever Taehyung is going to give him.

“No way,” Taehyung chuckles, booping his nose. “I like you way more,” Taehyung says and Jeongguk fears his ribcage isn’t big enough to contain his heart when it beats like crazy for Taehyung.

Jeongguk smiles and just kisses Taehyung, their legs tangling together, Jeongguk’s hands on Taehyung’s waist, Taehyung’s arms circling Jeongguk’s neck.

Taehyung kisses tastes different tonight and not because he’s not wearing his strawberry chapstick, and Jeongguk tries not to think about it as a goodbye kiss, not because it’s not, it actually is. But because it scares Jeongguk shitless that it might be one of the lasts. Like after tonight, there will be no more kisses. He’s afraid that after Taehyung comes back, he’ll push Jeongguk away.

So Jeongguk kisses him like it is the last time he would ever see Taehyung and when he tastes salty tears between their lips, Jeongguk isn’t sure who’s fault is since the both of them are crying, kissing the other like the unspoken I love you that is lingering on Jeongguk’s tongue is meant from both parts. Jeongguk really hopes that that is Taehyung’s way to say it.

Is it too soon? Jeongguk couldn’t care less, for all he knows he’s loved Taehyung for the very first moment and you would say, how can an eight year old know about love? Jeongguk didn’t know, he just realized what it was as the time passed and his heart couldn’t stop calling out his name.

Maybe Jeongguk fell in love with Taehyung at thirteen years old, the very first time their lips touched. Taehyung might’ve forgot, but Jeongguk remembers very vividly the moment. It was September 1st, 2010. He had his first kiss on his 13th birthday and Taehyung was the one to kiss him.

He hopes Taehyung fell in love with him, too, that night in 2010.

—

And so Jeongguk doesn’t see Taehyung for almost an entire month. Taehyung didn’t keep his promise, he never called or texted Jeongguk even if he did and Taehyung read them all. Sometimes Jeongguk would ask Yoongi about him but he just avoided replaying to texts that had Taehyung’s name in it. 

He knows that Jimin knows something and Jeongguk has tried so many times to ask him about Taehyung but Jimin either ignored him or said he didn’t know a thing. But Jimin seems angry, meaning something bad has happened indeed  and Jeongguk isn’t sure everyone knows about it, but even if they do it’s clear that no one cares about him enough to tell Jeongguk what’s wrong.

jeongguk:
i miss you and i hope you’re doing fine :) you know.. even a lie could make me any less worried about you
because i know you’re not doing good and i know you’re not gonna tell me shit but please text me back
im so worried and nobody talks to me about you.. you wont talk to me either..
am i not enough for you? i hope you know that my feelings for you are true and i truly wish i didnt scare you away..
i hope you know that i’ll always be a safe place for you just like you’re to me

Jeongguk is eating breakfast when he re-reads the last messages he sent to Taehyung last night and his heart clenches the moment he sees that Seen again.

He puts his phone down and sees Jimin literally missing some stairs as he is running down and the others coming out of their respective rooms. “Do you mind making me part of it? What is happening?”

“They’re back,” Seokjin says and Jeongguk literally jumps from his chair, hitting his knee on the table but he couldn’t care less. Taehyung is here.

“Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin calls, firmly. He gulps, then sighs, looks at him and Jeongguk heart is now beating way too fast. Jimin is strangely serious and that makes Jeongguk fear for the worst, he stands still. “Don’t come out.” 

What?  

“What?” He voices his thoughts, playing with the hem of his shirt. Why wouldn’t Jeongguk come out? Isn’t he, too, part of this group? Isn’t he the one to have a thing with Taehyung? “Why? What are you saying?” 

“He doesn’t want to see you.” 

Jeongguk’s heart stops beating the moment the words come out from Jimin’s mouth, his hands are trembling, his eyes full of tears.

“What?” Jeongguk whispers. All of them look at him, their expressions telling Jeongguk that they are pitying him. Looking at him like they are saying We’re sorry. 

“Don’t come out, please.” 

Jeongguk knees give up the exact moment the four of them leave the house to welcome home Taehyung and Yoongi, he is now alone and his whole body is trembling, he isn’t even sure he is breathing the right way but Jimin words keeps replaying on his head and that’s enough for Jeongguk to start sobbing loudly and violently.

And no one is there for him.

Jeongguk tries to calm himself down, taking long and deep breathes to make his erratic beating soften, but it doesn’t adjust the way his heart is hurting.

The moment the six of them enter the house Jeongguk is still crumpled on the floor, keeping a hand on his heart thinking it would help with the hurt. But then Jeongguk hears Taehyung’s voice, he gaze up and he is met with Taehyung’s back.

“Jeongguk,” He says, firmly. “I’m gonna sleep with Jimin for the time being.”

And with that Taehyung leaves, coming up the stairs and Jimin crunches down to give a kiss on Jeongguk’s forehead, caressing his hair. “It’ll get better. Give him some time.”

But is Jeongguk’s heart strong enough to get through yet another heartbreak?

—

In a week is going to be Jeongguk’s 20th birthday and Jeongguk is still sleeping in their room alone, if Jeongguk is in the living room with all of them, Taehyung doesn’t come out from Jimin’s room, not until he is sure Jeongguk isn’t there anymore.

He hates that he is the problem and the hyungs don’t know how to treat him around Taehyung or even when they are alone. So Jeongguk decides to spend the whole days in their rooms. The only things he does is cry and sometimes eat. When he remembers of doing so, anyway. 

He doesn’t let anyone in when they knock, Jeongguk doesn’t want anyone to pity him for what happened. The fool is Jeongguk to think that what they had was real. 

But Taehyung seemed so real when he was with Jeongguk that he couldn’t really think that Taehyung didn’t want to see him if there wasn’t something bigger than him. 

Four days before his birthday, after a shower, Jeongguk decides to go out of his room and the moment he gets in the living room, he wishes he hadn’t.

Yoongi’s door room is left ajar and Jeongguk can hear everything they’re saying and the question he asks himself is: why did you listen to it if it hurt you for the umpteenth time?

“He needs to know, Taehyung. You can’t keep lying to him,” Yoongi says.

“Why would I? That might scare him off because I’m just like him! I can’t control my anger and I don’t want him to end up like my mother!” Taehyung says, not really that loud.

“You’re not like him, Taehyung. I told you so many times. But he needs to know. The way you’re treating him isn’t really fair.”

“What would you do if you were me and he was Jimin, huh? Wouldn’t you do everything you could to protect him? To keep him safe? Hyung, if he finds out I’m dead. He might hurt Jeongguk too and I can’t afford it! I fucking can’t!”

“You need to be honest with him, though.”

“Yeah, and tell him what?” Taehyung says, this time a bit louder, chuckles intertwined with tears. “That I got so fucking drunk because I couldn’t bare my dad beating me anymore and I fucking cheated on him?”

What?  

“What did you just say?” Yoongi asks.

“I fucking cheated on him — Well, you know what I mean by that but it doesn’t make it any less true. And I hate that. Jeongguk almost told me that he loves me and I fucking did it anyway!”

Jeongguk is now crying and the fact that Taehyung cheating on him isn’t really the worst part of it, or the real reason Jeongguk is hurting, tells him enough. 

He opes the door and steps in, looking at Taehyung and the moment he does he fucking regrets it. His left eye is so swollen that Taehyung can’t even keep it open, his right cheekbone has some cuts in it and he doesn’t really realize how much weight he’d lost. 

Taehyung almost on reflex gives Jeongguk his back and the only thing Jeongguk can do is stepping closer to him, circling in arms around Taehyung’s waist, letting his chin rest on Taehyung’s shoulder. He just hugs him, keeping him closer to him, not tightening his grip too much because he doesn’t really know how bad Taehyung was beaten up and he curses himself mentally when he thinks back at what he said to Taehyung. 

Because I was getting ready to be fucking beaten up, like the usual, but you wouldn’t know it, right?

“I’m sorry for what I said that morning. I couldn’t know. I just wish you told me instead of finding out this way,” Jeongguk whispers, closing his eyes when he feels Taehyung’s hands on his arms. 

“I couldn’t. I didn’t want you to know,” Taehyung says, “I hate that you saw me like this.”

“I’m not mad. I don’t care that you cheated. I mean it hurts, but we’re not together, are we? For all I know it may be a summer thing and that’s fine for me if that’s what you want. But, Taehyung,” Jeongguk says, gulping. He is trembling just like Taehyung is, “That’s not right. That’s so fucked up and you have to do something. Whatever it may be, just know we got your back, okay?” 

Taehyung nods and Jeongguk does too, leaving a kiss on Taehyung’s clothed shoulder. “You’re still gorgeous.”

—

Jeongguk and Taehyung don’t really talk anymore about his family’s situation and Jeongguk doesn’t want to insist, if Taehyung wants to tell him about it he knows he can come to him anytime.

But they spent days talking about the fact that what they had wasn’t just a summer thing, that Taehyung feelings are true, that he just struggles to come to terms with himself for how he treated Jeongguk. He doesn’t really accept his feelings — or more like the fact that someone could love him — but he is working on that.

On Jeongguk birthday, turns out Taehyung is the one who decides to throw a surprise party for him. Jeongguk feels so grateful to see his hyungs wishing him a happy birthday and when all six of them hugs Jeongguk, the feelings of belonging and home are lingering in the air.

Can you believe Taehyung — yes, Taehyung — invited Mingyu, too? All of them invited some acquaintances and people Jeongguk doesn’t really know but he was too stunned to speak when Mingyu told him that Taehyung was the one to invite him.

Sure, Taehyung made sure Mingyu knew they were a thing, but Jeongguk couldn’t be more happy to be kissed in a crowded room if the one kissing him was Taehyung.

—

After Namjoon’s birthday, on the 13th of September, Taehyung asks Jeongguk out. Jeongguk doesn’t really know if it is a date since they already did everything they could possibly do before. But still, Jeongguk heart isn’t hurting as much as before and they are getting better, together.

Jeongguk puts on a white shirt and a pair of ripped jeans and lets his wavy hair free, meanwhile Taehyung is wearing a black and white coloring short sleeved collar knit with a pair of black jeans.

Taehyung doesn’t really tell him where they are going so, after a stop to McDonald’s and getting something to eat, Taehyung keeps driving them to their destination and in the meantime both of them have a blast singing some girl groups songs.

After something like fifteen minutes from McDonald’s they finally arrive to the beach. When Jeongguk’s sees a lots of floating lanterns, he smiles. He remembers talking to Taehyung about the matter when they were little and maybe Taehyung remembers it, too.

Taehyung takes his hand, intertwining their fingers. “Would you mind walking along the sea for a bit? I know it’s not pretty as Busan’s but I know you love the ocean,” Taehyung says, looking at Jeongguk.

“Every place that has you in it is pretty,” Jeongguk says, stealing a kiss from Taehyung. “And you’re right. I love it. Let’s go.”

So for something like two hours they just keep on walking and walking. Telling each other anecdotes they both forgot from when they were little, laughing, eating ice-cream and finally, Taehyung’s brings him back to where all the floating lanterns were.

“Do you know the meaning of it?” Jeongguk asks, and Jeongguk knows Taehyung knows, but the older shakes his head. 

“You tell me about it,” Taehyung smiles.

“Well, now it may not be the same thing and it’s a thing used mostly in China on Chinese New Year to wish for good luck,” Jeongguk says, turning his whole body towards Taehyung, taking both of his hands with his hands. “But, actually, the idea was that lanterns carried away troubles and brought good luck and prosperity. They say that the higher the lantern flies, the better it is. So why don’t we lit one up and wish for it?” Jeongguk asks.

“You’re so sexy when you act all smart,” Taehyung says, stealing him a kiss, nodding. “Let’s do it,”

And they do. They lit one lantern up, holding it up with one’s hand around the other’s. Both of them closes their eyes, making their wishes and when they finish, they let it go watching it fly higher and higher. And while Jeongguk is still looking up at their lantern, eyes sparkling and a smile on his lips, Taehyung takes his face between his hands and just kisses him. Slowly but surely firmly. Jeongguk kisses Taehyung back, bringing his arms around his waist, bringing him closer to him. 

When he kisses Taehyung he literally loses track of time, so he doesn’t really know for how long they kiss, but when Taehyung breaks apart from the kiss his lips are a little swollen and Jeongguk assumes his are swollen too.

“I took you here because the sea has always been our escape. Since we’ve known each other, every time one of us had troubles the other was sure to found the other at the sea. We were so lucky to live so close to it, weren’t we?” Taehyung says, smiling fondly and Jeongguk nods, smiling, too. “I always associated you with the sea,” Taehyung says, looking at Jeongguk. “I’m like the sun that every morning it rises it has its own ways, right? I mean. It is separated from the ocean, but every day when it is its time to set, the sun always finds his way to turn back at it, doesn’t it? And sometimes the sun doesn’t get to rise and shine, right? But the sea,” Taehyung say, “The sea remains always the same. Even when the sun doesn’t rise to shine on it. Even when the rain comes in the sun’s place.”

Is Taehyung confessing..? Because Jeongguk’s heart could literally explode anytime now. 

“I don’t know if what I’m saying makes any sense, but what I’m telling you is that I can get away from you anytime but I’ll always return to you, trying to shine for you just like the sun does with the ocean. I don’t know a thing about love, Jeongguk, and I’m scared shitless about all of it. But,” Taehyung says, looking at Jeongguk with a different spark in his eyes, something Jeongguk doesn’t get enough to see. 

“But?”

“But,” Taehyung smiles, “I’m willing to try. I want it as much as you do and I’m sorry I don’t know how to show it, Jeongguk,”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “You may need a little help, but you show it in your own way, trust me,” He smiles.

“Then,” Taehyung starts, looking at Jeongguk and smiles. “Will you give me the honor to have you as my boyfriend?” Taehyung asks, a smile painting his lips, his teeth coming to bite his lower lip nervously and Jeongguk smiles as much, picking Taehyung up, who lets out a yelp, spinning them around a kissing him, trying to convey all the feelings he has at the moment.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Taehyung says between his lips and Jeongguk smiles, nodding. 

“I want to be your boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend,” Taehyung says, like he wants to know how the word tastes in his lips, he chuckles, kissing Jeongguk some more. 

—

The floating lantern thing becomes their thing after Jeongguk’s brings him there on their first anniversary and they keep going until the third anniversary. The second one is the most special of all of them, though. After lightning up the lantern and letting it go, Taehyung kisses Jeongguk and when they break apart, he has his arms circled around Jeongguk’s neck just looking at him, smiling like a fool. Jeongguk is sure he is smiling like a one, too.

Taehyung smiles, caressing his nape. “Do you remember when we were kids and I told you I’d marry you one day?” Taehyung asks, the smile never leaving his lips.

Jeongguk nods, leaving a kiss on his lips just because he could. “Of course I remember,” Jeongguk replies.

“Whatever will come between us, I want to promise you this.”

“I don’t do promises, Taehyung.”

“I don’t do promises either. But,” Taehyung says caressing his nape. “Let me promise you this, Bun,” Taehyung smiles, leaving a kiss on Jeongguk’s nose. 

“Alright,” 

“Someday,” Taehyung whispers, leaning closer. “I’m gonna marry you for real,” Taehyung says, kissing Jeongguk like it was meant to seal his promise. 

Jeongguk smiles on the kiss, kissing Taehyung back like there is no tomorrow, bringing him closer, his hands finding their spot underneath Taehyung’s t-shirt, departing from his lips just to look at him. “I don’t trust promises but I’m gonna trust you, hyung,” Jeongguk says, looking at his boyfriend. “So please, don’t break my heart,” Jeongguk whispers.

Taehyung circles his arms around Jeongguk’s shoulders, Jeongguk’s face now on the crock of Taehyung’s neck. “I’ll never break your heart, Jeongguk.”

The third anniversary is the last one they spent together. They spent the whole day being together between kisses and laughters, Taehyung making love to Jeongguk, Jeongguk making love to Taehyung.

They really loved each other so much that Jeongguk would have died just to keep the brightness in Taehyung’s eyes there for a little longer. Maybe Jeongguk saw it coming.

But the fourth anniversary doesn’t really get to see the sunlight. And Taehyung doesn’t really keep his promise.

Chapter Text

Jeongguk is opening the door handle of their front door when he hears his hyungs talking. He’s feeling so happy because he’s finally gotten Taehyung’s drawing of his birth flower with its meaning inked on his forearm and he can’t wait to show it to Taehyung. To see his reaction.

Jeongguk has been there, watching Taehyung drawing it when it was still just a sketch. They were sunbathing under the hot summer sun of last year, Taehyung humming along some Kpop songs they were listening to with Jeongguk on top of him, leaving wet kisses on his shoulder with no intention really, just for the sake of feeling Taehyung close.

Once Taehyung finished the sketch, he wrote “As long as I’m with you, don’t ever wish to be loved, because you are and I do love you. I’m sure you’re feeling my love and I hope it’s enough for you. Thank you for loving me.” under it. After reading it, Jeongguk turned Taehyung’s face towards him by putting two fingers under his chin.

“I love you,” He whispered on Taehyung lips and Taehyung smiled. His boxy smile so wide that Jeongguk’s heart did some somersault as he leaned in, kissing Taehyung.

Taehyung’s I love you lost between their kisses.

For his 24th birthday Taehyung gifted him a painting of the same sketch brought to life with colors.

Jeongguk likes to think that before meeting him, he was just a colorless tiger lily, a black and white one, the ugliest among other colorful, brighter tiger lilies. But when he met Taehyung, Jeongguk became one of them. He wasn’t black and white anymore because Taehyung gave him life. A colorful one.

Taehyung made him bloom.

Jeongguk decided it would be his first tattoo. He always wanted to have something meaningful as his first one and he’s so proud of how far Taehyung has grown in the art world, so he thought having some of Taehyung’s creation with a bit of his style wouldn’t hurt. And he did. He worked on it, thanks to Mingyu who’s teaching him the basics to become a tattoo artist.

Jeongguk likes to create, always has. One night he stayed up until dawn just to have the perfect sketch done. Until he was satisfied with it.

Jeongguk intertwined Taehyung’s drawing of his birth flower with PLEASE LOVE ME designed by himself underneath it. Like Taehyung has been intertwining every fiber of his being with Jeongguk’s. He likes to think that they’re meant to be, just like the sun sets on the ocean. 

He’s so happy to finally show it to Taehyung, but when he enters the house’s front door, Jeongguk is met with all of them seated on the big couch and Taehyung in front of them, his suitcases near him.

“Are you sure, Taehyung?” Yoongi asks, there’s something in his gaze that Jeongguk is afraid of. He’s seen that look on Yoongi’s face so many times and doesn’t like it at all.

Jeongguk can’t help when his hands starts trembling and his heart starts thumping faster in his chest. Why is his chest hurting?

Taehyung nods, smiling. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes which are brimming with tears and Jeongguk’s worrying way too much.

”What’s going on?” He asks and all of them beside Taehyung meet his gaze.

“I’s time for me to go,” Taehyung announces and the five of them nod along, neither of them talking or minding Jeongguk’s presence.

Something along the lines of abandonment is sitting on the low part of his stomach, his heartbeat beating so fast that Jeongguk is afraid it might pop out from his chest anytime now. His whole body trembles at the sight of Taehyung not sparing him a single glance, his heart in his throat and suddenly swallowing is way too hard.

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?” He whispers, voice so low that he doesn’t even know if someone hears him.

Jeongguk sees tears streaming down Taehyung’s face as he hugs goodbye to his best friends and Jeongguk’s heart is breaking apart, again.

“What the fuck is going on?!” Jeongguk asks, rising his voice. Seokjin comes closer to him, putting his hand on the small of his back caressing it. He thinks he hears the older say something along the lines of It’s going to be alright. Breathe, Jeongguk-ah. It’s okay. We’re here.

But it’s not going to be alright because Taehyung is abandoning him and Jeongguk might’ve done something real wrong if Taehyung is suddenly leaving him behind without even minding his presence.

Did Taehyung cheat again? Because it’s alright, Jeongguk can be better for him, can change for Taehyung. Can love him better.

Has Jeongguk not been able to love him like he should’ve done and like Taehyung deserves? Is it his fault if everything’s falling apart right before his eyes?

But.. Why? Isn’t his love enough? Jeongguk has been loving Taehyung even when he didn’t even know what love was, what it meant to love someone deeply. Because it was, it is easy to love him. Always have been. 

“Taehyung?”

Taehyung stills the moment he hears Jeongguk’s strangled voice but doesn’t turn back to him, he doesn’t even acknowledges his presence, he keeps hugging their friends and when he waves the last goodbyes, Jeongguk is met with Taehyung’s back. Not even a glance, nothing. 

“Are you leaving?” Jeongguk asks as he cups Taehyung’s wrist with his fingers. “Are you leaving me, hyung?”

Silence.

“Taehyung,” He whispers. “Talk to me, please.”

Silence.

“Are you abandoning me, hyung? Just like my dad?”

Taehyung’s hands are trembling and Jeongguk sees it, feels it. He strokes Taehyung’s wrist. Right where he can feel his heart beating.

”Darling,”

Silence.

“Why?”

Taehyung gently takes his hand and moves it away from his wrist. Taehyung doesn’t turn around to look at him when the door is closing behind his back.

Jeongguk tries to reach out to grab the door handle but Seokjin, who’s behind him is keeping him still, not letting him move.

“Let me go. Let me go, hyung!”

“Don’t go, Jeongguk. Please.” Jimin says, taking his hands and caressing them.

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“He doesn’t want—” Jeongguk gulps, looking at Jimin. He nods. “Why though? Why Taehyung doesn’t want to see me? What did I do? Hyung, am I not enough?”

“You are, my love,” Jimin replies, taking his face between his hands. “I can’t really speak for him, Jeongguk-ah. I know it’s hard and it hurts, but you have to be patient. Eventually Taehyung will talk to you.”

“Eventually,” Jeongguk scoffs, “What if he doesn’t?”

“I don’t know, love. We can’t predict the future.”

“I’m his boyfriend, though. He should be talking to me! Why is that? Why no one’s telling me shit?” Jeongguk doesn’t even realize he’s crying until he feels Jimin’s little fingers wiping his tears.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Jimin whispers and takes Jeongguk between his arms, Seokjin caressing his back, putting his chin on Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay, little one,” He whispers. Hoseok and Namjoon that stayed silent until now coming closer to give Jeongguk a big group hug, trying to calm him down and whispering to his ear I’m sorry or I love you’s or We’re here for you.

Yoongi, though, doesn’t come closer.

Jeongguk is glad to have them but Taehyung’s not here. Taehyung’s not here and he doesn’t want to see Jeongguk.

The sun is not going to shine on its ocean anymore.

—

Pain.

That’s what Jeongguk feels when he finds out that Taehyung is leaving. This morning he woke up with Taehyung by his side, leaving small kisses on his face, his neck, his collarbones. Taehyung’s smile was so bright, and for the first time in four years Jeongguk couldn’t find any trace of pain in his eyes.

Jeongguk wonders. Wonders if he made that version of Taehyung up, if he was faking it or if he just got tired of Jeongguk.

Jeongguk knows Taehyung is still hurting, he knows that pain doesn’t leave you like this. Years and years of unhealed pain can’t disappear like that.

Maybe it is just him, but Jeongguk really thought Taehyung was doing better.

This morning they made love and if Jeongguk knew that would’ve been the last time, maybe, if he could, he would stop time in that exact moment.

Jeongguk is glad he never refused to take pictures when Taehyung asked him to. Both of them loved to have their memories, their love, on instant photos. 

But he’s not here anymore, is he?

It doesn’t make it less painful, because Jeongguk is looking at some of their memories of the past four years and his heart is fucking ripping apart.

From being the one who healed his heart, Taehyung is now the one who fucking ripped his heart apart and stepped on it, leaving to Jeongguk the burden of collecting the pieces of his heart and bringing them back together.

Jeongguk feels numb.

Jeongguk’s gaze drops to his freshly new tattoo resting on his forearm. His mind going back to the day he watched Taehyung’s hand moving like it was meant to be doing exactly that. That day had been a happy one for Taehyung and Jeongguk was so glad to see his boyfriend so carefree.

At night, when he’s sure Jimin’s sleeping and doesn’t come to see how he’s doing, Jeongguk takes his sketchbook, a pencil and a pen. Jeongguk doesn’t really know what he wants to do yet, so he just brings everything he might need with him.

He sneaks outside, coming to sit cross-legged on his and Taehyung’s deck chair. Sketchbook on his lap and pencil in his hand. For quite sometime Jeongguk doesn’t really know what to do but then his hand starts moving to its own accord, his mind bringing him back to this morning, when he opened his eyes and Taehyung was sleeping so peacefully.

After a hour or so, Jeongguk finishes his work and he’s not entirely satisfied with how it turned out but he doesn’t really care, he just needed to keep his mind busy but then he starts writing to Taehyung and by the end of the letter he’s writing, he breaks down.

Jeongguk starts crying and his chest is fucking hurting, he hits it with his hand as if hurting himself could help with the pain and of course nothing happens. He starts trembling when Taehyung’s I love you whispered on top of his lips not even twenty hours ago comes to his mind and if Taehyung did love him, then why did he have to leave Jeongguk behind?

Things between them were going so fine and Jeongguk wonders if it is his fault. Did he do something that might’ve hurt Taehyung? Did Jeongguk not love him enough? Did Taehyung send some signals that he ignored?

It’s his fault, isn’t it? 

But Jeongguk forgave Taehyung every time he told him he cheated, promising him to do better because if he did in fact cheat, it meant Jeongguk wasn’t good enough to him. Didn’t love him right.

Taehyung is not here and suddenly Jeongguk doesn’t feel a bright orange tiger lily anymore.

“Fuck,” He hears someone say next to him and his blurred vision doesn’t really make him realize who it is, Jeongguk thinks is Jimin because he’s accustomed to his touch now.

”Take a deep breath, Jeongguk. Follow me,” Jimin says and Jeongguk tries really hard to follow Jimin’s breathing, to concentrate on it instead but he feels suffocating and doesn’t really know what to do.

Jeongguk has seen Taehyung being like this but it never happened to him and it is fucking scary. Both to be the one witnessing and to be the one experiencing it.

“Take a sip, Jeongguk,” Hoseok whispers, giving him a glass of water.

Jeongguk drinks the water Hoseok is handing him with his help and after a while he calms down, his breathing and beating still a bit erratic but he seems to be fine now.

“Are you okay?” Jimin asks, caressing his back and leaving a kiss on his forehead.

Jeongguk shakes his head. “Hurts.” He whispers, looking at Jimin and pointing at the older one’s heart. “This. It hurts, hyung,” Jeongguk says and his lower lips stands out, trembling. “It hurts so bad, Jimin.”

Jimin’s eyes are brimming with tears and Jeongguk feels guilty because what right does he have to make Jimin cry?

“I’m not worthy of your tears hyung,” Jeongguk tries his best to smile, “Don’t cry. I love you,”

“I love you too, Jeongguk,” Jimin says and kisses the tip of his nose. “You’re worthy of everything.”

“The sun will rise again, Jeongguk. It won’t always rain, I promise you.” Hoseok says, hugging Jeongguk from the back. His chin on the top of his head. “We’ll be here with you, okay?”

How will the sun rise again if Taehyung’s not here, though? How can the ocean live without the sun shining on it anymore? How is the ocean supposed to keep its beautiful atmosphere if it will always rain from now on? How is the ocean going to be called breathtaking if the sun’s not setting on it anymore?

Jeongguk nods. “Thank you,” He whispers and now he’s between Hoseok and Jimin, being hugged and taken care of like he’s a child.

“Wanna sleep in my room?” Jimin asks and Jeongguk just nods, grateful.

“Don’t tell any of this to the hyungs, please.”

Both of them sighs and nods.

—

“When did you get it done?” His mom asks Jeongguk one day when he’s cuddled up to her chest. Dahye’s caressing Jeongguk’s head and his inner child is the happiest he’s ever been right now.

To think that Dahye is in fact his biological mother makes almost all the ache go away from his heart.

To think that Dahye is the one who in fact abandoned him makes his heart hurt at the same time but, when his mother told him the truth and he was able to finally see what was hiding behind her eyes, inside her heart, Jeongguk’s own ached for her. 

His mom never had a happy and easy life. They shared the same fate. She, too, was abandoned as a child. But what hurt Jeongguk the most is the fact that his mother didn’t found a loving family but a broken one. His father was never present for her and Dahye told him she was glad to not have his Dad around since he was a violent person.

But what hurt her the most was her mother. Psychically and mentally. Jeongguk never asked his mother about it because she has the same pain Taehyung’s eyes are holding in her eyes and he doesn’t want to keep seeing it, so he doesn’t ask.

He doesn’t want to know. Can’t.

He’s happy, though, that his mother didn’t really made the same mistakes her parents made and found the way to bring her baby back home.

Dahye was still nineteen when she found out she was pregnant and her parents didn’t really know it. The moment they found out, they kicked her out and she was alone since Jeongguk’s “father” abandoned her the moment she told him she was expecting his child.

She was so tired of her life that she tried to end it while she was pregnant, but her best friend stopped her and helped Dahye with the pregnancy. Gave Dahye a home to come back to. Gave her a family. A sister she never had.

But, soon enough, Dahye started drinking and taking pills while Jeongguk was in her womb. She couldn’t bear anymore all the pain she was holding since she was a child so, when she gave birth, the very moment she got to do it, Dahye abandoned Jeongguk.

Not because she didn’t want him.

Dahye let the guiltiness eat her alive. She hated herself for putting her body, but mostly Jeongguk, in so much trouble that both of them risked their lives when she gave birth.

Jeongguk resented her, a lot actually. But then he became accustomed of the pain in her eyes every time he looked at her and Jeongguk couldn’t bring himself to hate his Mom.

He’s glad Dahye found Jungsik. Even if he’s not his real Dad, Jungsik for sure is more than that to Jeongguk.

“A month ago, I think,” Jeongguk whispers. He doesn’t really know how much time passed since Taehyung left. “I want to get more though, is that okay with you?” Jeongguk asks.

“You’re free to do whatever you want baby, it’s your body,” Dahye says, caressing his head, leaving a kiss on his forehead. “Your boyfriend draw it, didn’t he?” She asks and Jeongguk’s heart clenches. “He’s really good at it.”

He nods, curling up on her chest more. “He did.”

“When are you bringing him here to visit me? I miss him.” Dahye smiles, putting two fingers under Jeongguk’s chin to bring it up, looking at him.

“Me too, Mom,” Jeongguk says, his eyes brimming with tears. “I miss him, too.”

“Did something happen?”

“He left.”

And Jeongguk’s heart clenches, he feels like it’s suffocating him.

Since Taehyung’s gone, Jeongguk feels like dying. All the negative thoughts he tried to erase so bad are now coming back around and Jeongguk feels like all the achievements he made along the way don’t really count anymore.

He feels his mother’s fingers caressing his face, wiping the tears streaming down his cheeks and he closes his eyes, Taehyung’s face coming before them and Jeongguk sighs.

His mother leaves a kiss on both of his eyes, keeping him close to her. “Did he tell you why?”

Jeongguk shakes his head, his mother’s hand between the strands of his hair, caressing and untangling them. “It’s been a month and I haven’t heard of him, I don’t even know if he’s still my boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry, baby..” Dahye says and Jeongguk hugs her tighter, hiding his face on the crock of her neck, tears still streaming down his face. “I know Taehyung’s not a bad person. Give him some time, yeah?”

“It hurts, Mom.”

”I know, love. I know.”

“My heart hurts so bad, Mom.”

“Give it some time, baby. It’ll pass, eventually,” Dahye says, kissing his forehead. “I was heartbroken, too. When he left. I didn’t get my closure, sure. But some time along the way my heart stopped hurting for him.”

It’ll pass. Sure. Jeongguk knows it. But in the meantime what is he going to do? Hoping Taehyung will magically come back to him? He isn’t a fool. He knows Taehyung’s not coming back and that’s what hurt the most. The fact that Jeongguk doesn’t know a thing, doesn’t know why he left nor if he’s hurting. He never knew a fucking thing to begin with.

He just nods and lets his mother cuddle him some more.

”Hana.” Dahye says, “Do you remember her?”

“Shin Hana?” Jeongguk asks and Dahye nods. “Isn’t she your best friend? The one who helped you?”

“She is.” Dahye smiles. His Mom is so beautiful when she smiles like this and Jeongguk smiles too.

Jungsik always tells him how much similar he is to his mother, that they have the same smile. He knows he does so to not compare Jeongguk to the one who should’ve been his father, he knows that he has some of his traits. But he hopes the one he has of his mother prevails.

“What about her?” Jeongguk asks, never getting tired of cuddling with his mother, he scoots closer to her stroking his nose on her neck. “Is she doing fine?”

“Baby,” Dahye sighs, “You don’t remember, do you?”

“What?”

“Hana is Taehyung’s mom,” Dahye says, looking down to lock his gaze with Jeongguk.

“What?”

Jeongguk doesn’t really remember Taehyung’s parents because they spent a lot more time to Jeongguk’s house when they were children, even if he did spent some time to his house.

Dahye nods, “I’ve seen her some time around the end of August. She was not doing well, baby. I don’t know how she is now, she’s not been calling me for quite sometime now.” Dahye says, caressing Jeongguk’s cheek. “But my guess is that Taehyung took Hana and his siblings out of South Korea.”

Out of South Korea? Why would Taehyung?

“Why?”

Dahye sighs, leaving a kiss on the tip of his nose. “It’s not my place to tell you, baby. I guess I already said enough.”

“Mom, please, if you know anything else—” Jeongguk says, heart beating way too fast. “Please tell me, Mom. Please.”

“I can’t, love. I really can’t.” Dahye says, her hands now trembling so Jeongguk takes them in his and caresses them, trying to calm her down.

“I’m sorry, Mom.”

“It’s not your fault. Neither is Taehyung’s. Don’t blame him, love. Please.”

Jeongguk just nods and now it’s his Mom who’s cuddled up to his chest, Jeongguk trying to calm down her body from trembling.

Is his Mom and Taehyung’s story just the same? His mother only reacts like this when something about her past triggers her and Taehyung is just the same. So many times he had Taehyung between his arms trying to calm him down, letting him feel that he wasn’t alone and Jeongguk was there.

Is Taehyung’s fate the same one his Mom had?

—

jeongguk:
i miss you and it hurts so much hyung. does it hurt for you too?
don’t ignore me taehyung. i can see you’re reading me
please darling..

For the briefest moment, Jeongguk sees Typing… under Taehyung’s contact name and he waits with a pounding heart. But not even a notification with his name pops out. Jeongguk waits some more but eventually he falls asleep with a hoping heart and his phone near.

When he wakes up, though, Jeongguk isn’t prepared to Taehyung breaking his heart, again. When Jeongguk picks up his phone and reads

darling
3 new messages 

he really thinks that Taehyung is saying something by the lines of i miss you too, or it hurts for me too but Jeongguk isn’t expecting what he’s reading when he unlocks his phone.

darling:
don’t text me ever again, jeongguk.
i’m serious.
i’m blocking your number if you insist on texting or calling me.

It feels like someone just stabbed right into his heart for the umpteenth time. Jeongguk doesn’t really know what he has done to deserve it, especially from Taehyung after everything he did for him. Everything they shared. Between sheets, underneath the sunlight, between kisses, between secret moments.

Jeongguk knew that losing Taehyung would be the worst thing that was ever going to happen to him. And he wonders. Does Jeongguk deserve it? Is Taehyung doing alright? Despite it all, is Taehyung’s heart still beating for him like Jeongguk’s heart is?

Tears are streaming down Jeongguk’s cheeks and he knows for sure that’s not the way Taehyung replies to him. Even if right now they’re not on speaking terms, Jeongguk knows Taehyung. He would never reply to him like this.

To know that Hana is Taehyung’s mother doesn’t make his heart any less worried about Taehyung. From what his mother has told him, Hana’s husband is the only reason she couldn’t have any babies back in the day and that’s why she decided to adopt Taehyung and his siblings. Or so he guesses, doesn’t really know. 

Taehyung never told him about his parents.

And that’s makes Jeongguk wonder. Did Taehyung suffer all his life, alone? Feeling glad that someone was kind enough to bring Taehyung to their home and making him feel like he was worth it? Did Taehyung fear the man he called Dad?

His fate could’ve been the same, or worse as Dahye’s or Taehyung’s, but he was lucky enough to have his Mom bringing him home to her.

Taehyung found a mother in Hana but a monster in the person he’s learned to call Dad over the years.

JEONGGUK:
remember how you said that you dont trust yourself around me but your heart and mind does? i know you’re hurting too and that i cant speak for your heart so i dont really know if you miss me too or if you still love me
i love you so much it hurts, but love shouldn’t hurt, should it?
it’s okay if you wont reply to me or you cant. it’s enough if you let me just text you, to remind you that you’re worth it all
you’re enough my love, don’t ever forget it, please. and fuck whoever makes you think you’re not
please tell hana that dahye misses her, she misses you and i do, too. i love you, darling

Jeongguk isn’t going to give up. He can’t.

—

Jeongguk doesn’t really remember how he spends the next months. He’s not even aware if what he’s doing can be called living. All he knows is that he’s not doing good, not even close to it. And he knows his friends can tell but Jeongguk doesn’t really want to be a burden for them, too.

Jeongguk used to tell Taehyung that drinking wouldn’t take the pain away, that he would be there every time Taehyung felt like he was drowning. That alcohol never was the answer.

What makes it funny is that now Jeongguk is the one who feels like drowning and he’s the one who’s using alcohol as an answer. He knows that the fifth can of beer he’s drinking isn’t gonna take the pain away, like aren’t the four cans prior, but he has been feeling numb since Taehyung left. His heart is aching and he doesn’t want to think about Taehyung.

Jeongguk doesn’t really want to think about him. Jeongguk swears he doesn’t. But it’s not that easy when Taehyung is still all over him. It’s not easy when Taehyung is still the one his heart is calling out. It’s not easy when Taehyung’s the reason why Jeongguk is feeling numb, empty.

Like life lost all it’s meaning the moment Taehyung left.

And that makes him wonder. Is Taehyung feeling the same? Is Taehyung’s heart hurting just the same?

The rational part of him thinks that Taehyung is maybe suffering the most out the two of them. But the immature part of Jeongguk is telling him that no, Taehyung is not missing him. That Taehyung is doing fine and so much better without Jeongguk.

Jeongguk tries to text or call Taehyung so many times. He tries and tries and tries. That’s all he does.

But never once Taehyung replies to him.

Eventually, Taehyung gets tired of seeing Jeongguk’s name pop up in his notifications that he replies just to hurt him.

And that’s the reason why Jeongguk is feeling like he’s slowly turning back to his colorless life. And he doesn’t want that because he remembers how scary it is to live like that.

Jeongguk doesn’t want to live like a black and white figure, forgotten by everyone. 

darling:
ur a fucking burden istg. stop texting or calling me, jeongguk. i dont want to hear anything about u. stop telling jimin or any of the others to tell me that u want to see me because i fucking dont. i made it clear the moment i left, didn’t i? im not coming back and even if i do i dont want to see u ever again. stop texting and calling, i beg u. goodbye, jeongguk.

How do you react when the love of your life is telling you that he doesn’t want to see you ever again? But Jeongguk is stubborn and replies with an i love you, and for the briefest moment Jeongguk sees Taehyung typing.

And he replies. He does.

A sentence that feels like a stab in the fucking heart but soon after Taehyung deletes it.

But Jeongguk is fast enough to read it: i love you too, jaehyun-ah. hurry up, i miss you :(

After the text gets deleted, Jeongguk stares right in front of him. A pointless hole in his room walls where hangs the very first picture they got together as boyfriends.

He isn’t sure when he starts crying but at some point, Jeongguk does and that’s how he ends up wasting himself on beer. Nobody is home, so he guesses he’s safe when he starts screaming the loudest he can. At some point, he chokes on his own saliva but he doesn’t really care.

He screams, cries and maybe he throws something glass-coded on the ground and he follows it, slumping on the floor, getting some cuts on his hands and knees but he doesn’t really care about it when the cuts on his heart are deeper than that.

Has Taehyung been lying to him all this time? Has Jeongguk been a fucking joke to Taehyung, just a passing time? For four years?

Four fucking years. Jeongguk spent four fucking years, well more than four but that’s not the point, of his life loving someone who was making fun of him behind his back?

Is that the truth?

Was Jeongguk really that blind?

Jeongguk doesn’t realize his friends are back until he hears Jimin softly knocking on his bedroom’s room.

“Guk? We brought back ice cream. I picked the mint-choco flavored one just for you.”

Jeongguk stays silent, trying to muffle his sobbing but Jimin knows better and when Jeongguk doesn’t reply to him for a minute straight, he enters his room and looks around, seeing the mess Jeongguk made.

“I’m sorry,” Jeongguk whispers, wiping his tears.

How does Jeongguk stop his heart from hurting this much? Does he really deserve it? But then again, maybe Taehyung’s the one who’s suffering the most. How can Taehyung love Jaehyun after what he has told Jeongguk? After everything they had?

“What happened, Jeongguk?” Jimin asks carefully, taking some steps and sitting next to him.

“Be careful, you could hurt yourself,” Jeongguk says, moving the pieces of glass out of Jimin’s reach with his bare hands.

“What happened?” Jimin asks again, carefully taking Jeongguk’s hand on both of his. With his free hand Jeongguk grabs his phone and hands it out to Jimin.

“He replied to my text but as you can see,” Jeongguk sniffs, “He deleted his reply. But I saw it, hyung.”

Jimin sighs while reading Taehyung’s message and hands his phone back to Jeongguk once he finishes. “Okay,” Jimin says, “And what did he say?”

Jeongguk starts laughing while tears streams down his face and Jimin looks at him with his big eyes full of hurt and Jeongguk hates himself a bit more.

“I love you too, Jaehyun-ah. Hurry up, I miss you,” Jeongguk recites and his heart clenches.

Jimin eyes go wide and he listens to Jeongguk, shaking his head. “That’s impossible, baby,” Jimin says, looking at him. “Are you sure? Jeongguk,” Jimin shifts closer to him and takes Jeongguk’s face between his small hands. “Baby. You have to be honest with me. Did you make it up?”

“What the fuck?” Jeongguk shouts, taking away Jimin’s hands from his face. “Are you fucking kidding me, Jimin? Why would I make that shit up? Do you think I’m enjoying any of this?”

“Jeongguk,” Jimin whispers, coming closer to him. Their foreheads now touching. “I’m sorry, Jeongguk. I know you’re hurting. I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.”

“Leave me alone, please.”

“Baby, I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Jeongguk sighs, “Can you leave me alone, now?”

Jimin lowers his gaze, sighing. He leaves a kiss on Jeongguk’s forehead and whispers I love you before leaving him alone and Jeongguk doesn’t really know what the fuck to do with his body.

He’s fucking trembling and his heart hurts so fucking bad that Jeongguk wonders if the peace he felt when Taehyung was beside him did really exist. Just like Taehyung’s love for him.

Was it all fake?

Did Jeongguk fall for the wrong one?

He stands up and picks the broom he has on his room. Taehyung was obsessed with cleaning what once was their room.

He sweeps away the pieces of glass lying on the floor and his heart clenches.

Sometimes, when Taehyung would clean up their room, Jeongguk used to distract him by hugging him, leaving wet kisses on his honey skin and Taehyung would laugh every time Jeongguk would make some explicit jokes just to end up making love on the same bad that has now been way too cold for Jeongguk’s liking.

Now Taehyung is somewhere else, probably making love to Jaehyun. And Jeongguk wonders if, when Taehyung was still with him, he had sex with Jaehyun. Why wouldn’t he? Probably Jeongguk was just some fucking bet Taehyung had to win. 

Jeongguk takes his phone and without thinking, he starts typing.

jeongguk:
jaehyun, huh? was i just some joke you liked to play, taehyung? i’m trying so hard to trust my heart and thinking that you’re not like that but my mind is playing its trick on me and i fucking hate it because why would you do this to me, right? not after everything we lived together. not after everything we shared, taehyung. i wont believe shit but it hurts to think that you’re god knows where with him and i cant even call you or text you because you dont want me to. are you sure that’s your will? because i’ll accept it like i always do, but you’re not like that. i know you and my heart does, too. i hope you dont mean anything of what you told me because i dont want to believe that you’re out there telling that piece of shit that you love him when we both know that’s bullshit. you’re hurting me taehyung. and i dont want to blame you because you’re probably hurting, too. but i just cant stand being left out, to have jimin telling me if your text was some shit i made up. i know what your heart’s holding will always be bigger that what mine’s been holding all along but i dont want others to think you’re the only one suffering. i know you do, more than i am, but my heart fucking hurts and for what? did i deserve it, taehyung? it’s okay if you don’t love me anymore, i cant do anything about it, can i? i fought for so long alongside you to try and keep our love alive that now i dont really think i can do it anymore. so i’ll accept if you don’t love me anymore, i just wanted and want you to be honest with me. i’ll not be a burden to you anymore, i’ll stop texting and calling you. i already lost you, didn’t it? i hope you’re happy whenever you are and with jaehyun. i’m not giving up on you or on us, you gave up on me and us the exact same moment you closed the door behind your back without minding me begging you to talk to me. i’d never give up on you but you did and i really wonder why since all the love i had to give i gave it to you. and i’ll always give you my love, just not in the same way, i guess. is that really the end of us, taehyung? there’s no turning back, like the first time we kissed. once you tell me its over, it is. i’ll probably always have my heart screaming your name but i’m tired. i dont think i cant fight anymore for something that will never come back to me. i’m sorry if i couldn’t be what you wanted or needed but i’m sure i gave you all my heart, all my love. i fucking gave you all of me and maybe it was never enough. i was never enough. you used to tell me that when we would fight and i’m sorry. i really am.

After Jeongguk sends it, he cries himself to sleep. And of course, when he wakes up, his heart is being ripped apart all over again.

darling:
it’s over.
we’re done, jeongguk.

—

Jeongguk is accustomed with people leaving him, so the fact that now he’s being left behind by Taehyung doesn’t have to hurt as much, right? Because Jeongguk is accustomed to being abandoned.

Then why does it feel like someone just ripped apart his chest and fucking stubbed him repeatedly in the heart?

Love shouldn’t hurt, right?

Love should be like sunny days, like the sunset over the ocean, like blooming flowers on spring days. Love should feel like a safe place, shouldn’t it? And for the most part of it Jeongguk has seen the feeling of love full of vibrant colors.

Taehyung is the one who painted love for him. Taehyung is the one who took his hands and made Jeongguk escape the black and white Jeongguk was accustomed to, painting his life full of colors.

Colors Jeongguk has never seen before Taehyung.

Taehyung is the one who painted him golden every time Jeongguk felt blue. Taehyung is the one who, despite not knowing a thing about it, taught Jeongguk what love is. Taehyung is the one who left a permanent mark on Jeongguk’s heart, the kinda one Jeongguk couldn’t get rid of even if he ever wanted to. 

Taehyung is the one who brought Jeongguk back to life, and now he is the one who brought him back to his colorless life.

Jeongguk is now feeling blue and doesn’t have Taehyung to paint him golden by his side, not anymore.

Now Taehyung has someone else to paint golden and to love, Jeongguk isn’t his anymore.

But Jeongguk will always be Taehyung’s. Even if he’s going to meet someone new, nobody could ever compare to Taehyung. 

“Jeongguk?” Yoongi asks, sitting next to him. “Did you say something to Taehyung?” 

Is Yoongi mad at him?

“What?” Jeongguk says, not really there mentally. He’s trying to write some lyrics down his sketchbook but his mind is playing its tricks on him, making him think about his muse.

He doesn’t want to, truly. But everything leads him back to Taehyung.

“He called me some days ago,” Yoongi says, playing with his fingers. Jeongguk nods, humming, to let Yoongi understand he’s listening. He’s just focused in writing the lyrics.

“For fuck’s sake, Jeongguk!” His shouting startles Jeongguk who’s now looking at Yoongi and his hyung has never looked at him like this. His gaze is full of anger.

“Are you made at me? What did I do?”

“What did you do, huh? Don’t you know, Jeongguk?” Yoongi chuckles, looking at him.

“No?”

“What right do you think you have to tell Taehyung he’s not good enough for you, huh? Do you know how much he’s suffering, Jeongguk? Do you realize it or are you just too full of yourself? You’re full of shit, Jeongguk-ah. If you don’t love him anymore, it’s fine. But don’t play with his heart, he doesn’t deserve it.”

“Hyung what the fuck are you talking about? I always knew that if you were to pick sides you’d choose Taehyung, but don’t fucking treat me like shit! I never played with his heart and you know it. I didn’t know Taehyung was the only one allowed to suffer, I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk is trembling and he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want his hyungs to see how fucked up he is but he doesn’t really think that Yoongi’s being fair to him. He takes a deep breath and speaks again. “I didn’t, hyung. I swear. I love him so much it hurts, why would I be an asshole to him?” Jeongguk asks, quietly.

“I don’t know, Jeongguk. Since he’s gone I don’t really recognize you anymore. You treat us like shit so why wouldn’t you do the same with him?” Yoongi asks, playing with his fingers ad he only does it when he’s nervous. “Does hurting Taehyung turn you on? Are you that fucked up?”

What? 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Watch your mouth when you’re talking to me, Jeongguk-ah.”

Jeongguk scoffs, looking at Yoongi. “Then don’t talk shit about me, you asshole.” Jeongguk says, turning towards him. “You just need me to be the bad guy, don’t you?”

“I said watch your fucking mouth!” Yoongi gets up, taking Jeongguk by the collar of his t-shirt. “I won’t stand by and see how you treat Taehyung like shit when he’s given everything he possibly could to you!”

“Fuck you,” Jeongguk spits out, “I don’t need to hear all this shit when you fucking know everything I did for him! You just want me to be the bad guy because you want him for yourself.” Jeongguk says, looking at Yoongi dead in the eyes. “If there’s someone who needs to be the bad guy, then it’s you.”

“What the fuck?” Yoongi asks, tightening the grip on Jeongguk’s collar. “I’m not gonna repeat myself anymore, asshole. Watch your fucking mouth when you’re speaking to me.”

Jeongguk scoffs, “Who do you think you are, huh?!”

“Someone who loves Taehyung more than you,” Yoongi says and all Jeongguk sees it’s red. Jeongguk always thought that Yoongi was in love with Jimin, too. But so many times he had suspected that Yoongi had feelings for Taehyung.

And here they are.

“Of course,” Jeongguk chuckles, “You tried your very best to take him away from me, aren’t you happy now that’s over?” Jeongguk asks, taking Yoongi by the collar of his t-shirt, too. “Was Jimin just a joke to you? All these years?” 

“That’s none of your fucking business.”

“Oh,” Jeongguk chuckles, “But it is. The one who saw Jimin crying because of you was me, not you. You asshole,” Jeongguk scoffs, “Go on and make Taehyung hate me, if that’s what you want. Fill his head with bullshits if that’s turns you on. But he will never love you, Yoongi. His heart will alway be tied to mine’s.”

Yoongi chuckles, “How silly of you, Jeongguk. Taehyung has never loved you. Not even a second the two of you spent together.” 

Jeongguk doesn’t even knows how he is controlling himself right now. It hurts to hear the words coming out from Yoongi’s mouth.

“The day he left,” Yoongi chuckles, looking Jeongguk in the eyes. “We had sex, Jeongguk. He wanted me to be his last time, not you.” He says, pointing his finger on Jeongguk’s chest, “Me.”

Jeongguk shakes his head, looking at Yoongi. It can’t be, it can’t. Taehyung would never sleep with Yoongi. He’s like a brother to me, Taehyung used to say.

It can’t be. No. That’s not true.

”You’re lying.”

“I’m not. He cheated on you with me, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk looks at Yoongi’s eyes, trying to find the lie in what he’s telling him but Jeongguk can’t find it. Yoongi’s eyes seem sincere even if he is mad at Jeongguk. And even if they have known each other for a long time doesn’t mean he knows Yoongi.

He doesn’t really know how but now Yoongi’s lying on the floor and Jeongguk is on top of him, his hand lashing out punches on his face. 

“Fuck you!” Jeongguk shouts, his vision blurry because he’s crying but that doesn’t stop his hand. He continues until he’s lying on the ground with Yoongi in top of him.

“I was there first, Jeongguk. I deserve Taehyung more than you’ll ever deserve.” Yoongi says and Jeongguk is suddenly too weak to react to Yoongi’s punches, he just takes them while his body trembles beneath Yoongi’s. “You don’t know a fucking thing about Taehyung,” Another punch, near his eye. “You don’t know him like I do,” This time Jeongguk tastes blood on his lower lip. 

Jeongguk doesn’t react, he just cries. Not because Yoongi’s hurting him, Jeongguk doesn’t really feel it. He cries because his heart is hurting so bad, he can’t even look at Yoongi. 

Jeongguk can’t believe that once again Taehyung cheated on him, not after everything they built together. Jeongguk trusted Taehyung with all his heart and once again, his heart in now shattered in million of pieces because of him. 

Don’t break my heart, Jeongguk had asked.

“Yoongi, stop! You’re gonna hurt him!” Someone says, Jeongguk’s blurry vision doesn’t really make out the silhouettes standing before them. The weight of Yoongi’s body lifts from his, maybe Namjoon? takes Yoongi away from Jeongguk, and someone crumples beside him. Could it be Seokjin?

“Jeongguk-ah? Do you hear me?”

Jeongguk nods. “Make it stop, hyung,” His voice comes out strangled. “Please.”

“What? What do you want hyung to do, little one?” Seokjin asks, taking Jeongguk between his arms. Jeongguk’s head now resting on Seokjin’s broad chest, Seokjin’s hand moving alongside Jeongguk’s back. 

“Make it stop,” Jeongguk whispers, “My heart, hyung. Make it stop, please.” 

“I wish I could take your pain away, Jeongguk-ah,” Seokjin says, hugging Jeongguk closer to him. “Why was Yoongi beating you up? What happened?”

Jeongguk chuckles while crying, “You don’t know?”

“What?” He asks. “What should I know, little one?”

“He’s an asshole. I beat him up first.”

“Okay,” Seokjin says, taking Jeongguk’s face between his hands. “But why? What happened between you two?”

Jeongguk starts trembling and looks at Seokjin, his vision still blurry. “Keep Hoseok close to you, hyung,”

“What are you talking about?” Seokjin asks, “Talk to hyung,”

“You never know who’s gonna betray you, hyung,” Jeongguk says and he knows Yoongi’s still here with Namjoon.

“It was bound to happen anyway, Jeongguk. He doesn’t love you.” Yoongi says and Jeongguk chuckles.

“What the fuck happened?” Seokjin rises his voice, looking at the two of them while Namjoon keeps Yoongi still. 

“He’s an asshole. I already told you.”

“Taehyung cheated on him with me,” Yoongi says, looking at Seokjin, “What are you gonna do? You want to beat me up, too?” 

“What?” Seokjin asks, his gaze hardening.

“You’re kidding,” Namjoon says, looking at Yoongi, “Fuck, hyung,” He sighs, “Tell me you’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

“What about Jimin, huh?” Namjoon asks.

“What about me?” Jimin is suddenly behind Namjoon, “Why are y’all here? Have you seen Jeongguk?”

Jimin makes his way between Yoongi and Namjoon and finds Jeongguk on the floor, between Seokjin’s arms. “What happened?”

“Yoongi beat him up,” Seokjin says, starring at Yoongi. “But Jeongguk did it first,” At that Jeongguk chuckles and looks at Jimin who’s looking at him, eyes brimming with tears.

“You found out, didn’t you?” Jimin asks crumpling near Jeongguk, taking his hands. “I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you but I-“ Jimin sighs, “I was trying to take care of my heart and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you,” Jimin says, coming closer to Jeongguk. “I’m sorry.”

“You knew?” Jeongguk and Namjoon whispers at the same time and Jimin nods, wiping his tears.

“They weren’t so discrete about it,” Jimin whispers and Jeongguk’s heart clenches. 

Jeongguk looks down on his arms, where he knows his tattoo is and he wants to scream. Did they fuck the moment Jeongguk got out to get his tattoo done? 

“Yoongi,” He says, wiping his tears. His voice more stable. “Don’t ever come close to me ever again. You’re dead to me.” Jeongguk says, standing up. Seokjin and Jimin do the same, staying behind him.

“You’ve been dead to me the moment you took Taehyung away from me.” Yoongi says and Jeongguk instinctively takes Jimin hands and Yoongi’s eyes falls on it. “You would make such a pretty couple.” 

“I didn’t take Taehyung away from you. It’s not my fault if he’s fallen in love with me,” Jeongguk says and without waiting for a reply, he makes his way out of Yoongi’s studio with Jimin by his side and the moment they’re out, Jeongguk takes Jimin between his arms. 

“I’m sorry, Jimin-hyung,” Jeongguk whispers, caressing the back of his head, leaving a kiss between his hair. “You didn’t deserve any of it. I’m so sorry,” Jeongguk says.

“It’s not your fault Jeongguk,” Jimin says, tightening his grip on Jeongguk’s sides. “Don’t apologize for something that you have nothing to do with. I kinda already knew he had a thing for Taehyung, but I never thought,” Jimin sighs, “You know..”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk sighs, keeping Jimin closer. “Me neither,” 

“Let’s treat your wounds, shall we?” Jimin asks and Jeongguk nods. He wonders if loving Jimin would’ve been different, if loving Jimin would’ve been easier, if they could be happier. But the exact moment he does, he curses himself. 

—

jeongguk:
happy birthday

taehyung:
🤍 

—

More months passes and they’re now welcoming March. It’s actually Yoongi’s birthday and the five of them are throwing a surprise party for him but Jeongguk doesn’t really join. Doesn’t feel like it.

It’s been three months since they beat each other up and neither of them made the effort to apologize or speak to the other.

Why would Jeongguk? It’s not something that he can get over with. Fuck. One of his best friends slept with his boyfriend the moment Jeongguk left the house to ink one of his boyfriend’s pieces on his arm. Why would Jeongguk make the effort to speak to him or even apologize? 

Jeongguk thinks he can understand what’s like to see the one you’re in love with being with someone else but that doesn’t really excuse what Yoongi and Taehyung have done behind his back.

Anger fills his chest and the first thing that comes to mind he does.

jeongguk:
[photo]
i hope you know the moment you cheated on me with yoongi i was getting this tattooed.
hope you had fun.

Is it childish coming from him? Probably. But he’s fucking tired of being the one who everyone thinks is faking it. Jeongguk’s really tired. He’s hurting and he wants Taehyung to feel almost half the pain he’s feeling. Even though he knows Taehyung is suffering more than him. But Jeongguk wants to be selfish, just for once.

Of course he doesn’t get a reply from Taehyung, but the Seen beneath his text is enough for now.

“Why are you doing this if it’s hurting you?” Jeongguk asks the moment he sees Jimin wiping his tears. Jimin is in the kitchen, preparing the ingredients to make a cake for the birthday boy. 

“What can I do, Jeongguk?” Jimin says, sighing. “It’s my fault for thinking he could ever love me back.” He smiles, a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and that makes Jeongguk’s heart hurt for Jimin. “I gave him the only thing I knew for sure he wouldn’t reject and that’s on me,” he continues, wiping his tears. 

Jeongguk comes closer to Jimin, taking him by his arms from behind. Rocking the two of them, shifting from a feet to the other for quite sometime. “It’s not your fault, hyung,” Jeongguk whispers into his ear.

“It is, Jeongguk.” Jimin says and Jeongguk knows he’s crying, so he turns Jimin around and brings his hands on Jimin’s face. 

“It’s not, drop it,” Jeongguk says, looking at him. His fingers caressing underneath Jimin’s eyes, wiping his tears. “How can you be at fault when you’re in love, Jimin?” Jeongguk whispers, their foreheads touching and he feels Jimin’s small hands on his wrists. 

“I’m pathetic.” Jimin says, chuckling. 

“I said drop it, Jimin,” Jeongguk whispers, their noses now touching and Jimin’s the one who strokes their noses together first. Jeongguk feels the ghost of Jimin’s breath on his lips and his gaze drops on them, now being the one who’s stroking Jimin’s nose with his, their lips almost touching. 

“Think about Taehyung,” Jimin says, whispering. His chest rising and falling, his grip on Jeongguk’s wrists tightening. “Don’t do anything you’re gonna regret.”

Did Jeongguk cross Taehyung’s mind the moment he was sleeping with Yoongi? 

“I don’t want to,” Jeongguk whispers, “I’m tired, hyung..”

Jimin nods and Jeongguk sighs, closing his eyes. Jimin’s fingers caressing his wrists while his hands are still on Jimin’s face, so he brings on of them between Jimin’s neck and jawline, the other one finding its way to the small of Jimin’s back. 

Jimin’s small hands placed on both of his sides, bringing Jeongguk closer to him, their chests now touching. Jimin leans in, standing on his tiptoes and Jeongguk smiles, gazing his lips. 

Jimin’s lips curls up in a small smile and Jeongguk leans in, letting their lips touch for the first time. Jimin kisses Jeongguk back and their lips are dancing together, tasting each other and for the briefest moment Jeongguk misses his strawberry flavored chapstick but shush the though away and focus on how soft Jimin’s lips are against his instead.

The kiss is slow, nothing rushed. Jimin’s hand comes up, finding its way between Jeongguk’s hair, still on his tiptoes and Jeongguk picks him up, letting Jimin sit on the counter. His legs coming to circle his waist and Jeongguk lets him, leaning down to kiss Jimin better and after a while, Jimin’s the one who breaks the kiss. 

“Jeongguk,” Jimin says, panting. Locking his gaze with Jeongguk’s. “This is wrong. We shoul-“

“Wrong? Why would it be?”

“You’re in a relationship with my best friend,” Jimin says, gaze dropping. “We can’t,”

Jeongguk chuckles, “He cheated on me with what I thought was one of my closest friends. He’s with Jaehyun right now. He broke up with me.” Jeongguk lists, coming closer to Jimin and letting their lips almost touch, going down and leaving a kiss on his jawline.

“So why shouldn’t we do it?” Jeongguk asks. “Am I not allowed to kiss whoever I want if I’m single?”

“Of course you are, Guk. But,” Jimin sighs and stays silent for a while, Jeongguk pinching softly Jimin’s side to encourage him to finish the sentence. “You still love him,”

Jeongguk hums. “I do,” He says, “But,” Jeongguk comes up, looking at Jimin and letting their lips crush together, not sure why he can’t quite stop himself. “I’m tired. I told you.” 

“Are you sure?” Jimin asks, his lips moving alongside Jeongguk’s. He nods, keeping Jimin close to him. They kiss for quite sometime, their hands moving on their own, their lips tasting each other without shame, their tongues encountering some time along the way, letting them dance together. They broke the kiss off the moment they hear keys rustling in the lock.

Panting, Jeongguk comes closer to Jimin to whisper into his ear, “Don’t blame yourself. I kissed you first and if you ever want to do it again,” Jeongguk whispers, leaving a wet kiss under Jimin’s ear. “I’m down for it.” 

Jimin nods. “We’re just seeking comfort from each other. Nothing more.”

—

After everything is set up for Yoongi’s birthday, they wait his arrival but Jeongguk doesn’t really care about it. He’s here just because he wanted to be by Jimin’s side. The moment the front door opens, though, Jeongguk feels his heart trembling.

“Taehyung?” Hoseok asks with enthusiasm, running towards him and taking him by his arms. Seokjin, Namjoon and Jimin looks at him with worried looks but he just smiles at them. He knows they can tell his smile is fake but what can he do?

“Hi, hyung,” Taehyung smiles, hugging him. And Jeongguk tries his best not to look at him, he really does. For the briefest moment their gazes locks, but Jeongguk tears his away. He can’t.

Taehyung greets the rest of them expect Jeongguk and he tries not to think about how bad it hurts. 

“Are you doing alright?” Jeongguk asks, doesn’t even know how or why. But he does and now he’s cursing himself. Of course Taehyung wouldn’t talk to him.

“Right. I forgot.” Jeongguk chuckles. “What is it that you told me?” He asks, “Right. ‘I’m not coming back and even if I do I don't want to see you ever again.’” 

Jeongguk’s eyes are brimming with tears and so are Taehyung’s, but he doesn’t reply to him and keeps ignoring how Jeongguk’s heart still screaming for him. “Was it fun doing it behind my back, Taehyung-ah? Is Yoongi better than me?”

Silence.

“What are you talking about, Guk?” Hoseok asks and Jeongguk looks at him, smiling. “Did I miss something?”

“Did Hoseok miss something, Taehyung-ah? Why don’t you tell him?” 

Tears are now streaming down Jeongguk’s cheeks and he can see Taehyung trying to hold back. 

“Stop, Jeongguk. Stop it.” Taehyung says and Jeongguk looks at him, wiping his tears.

“Stop it?” Jeongguk chuckles, “You cheat on me with one of my closest friend and I have to stop? You’re not being for real,” He says as he stands up, Seokjin stopping him and taking him by his arms, caressing the back of his head. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Seokjin whispers, “Calm down, Jeongguk-ah.”

As if it is on clue, the front door opens revealing Yoongi and all of them, expect Jeongguk, run to him to hug Yoongi and wishing him a happy birthday.

“Taehyung-ah?” Yoongi asks, smiling with his teeth on display. Jeongguk always told Yoongi that he loved his gummy smile, but seeing how it is dedicated to Taehyung, Jeongguk is starting to despite it.

“Happy birthday, hyung,” Taehyung smiles and hugs Yoongi and that’s the moment Yoongi locks his gaze with Jeongguk.

Smirking, Yoongi takes Taehyung’s face between his arms and leaves a kiss on the corner of his lips. “Thanks, baby,” 

Jeongguk lowers his eyes and takes a deep breath, feeling Seokjin’s eyes in him. 

“Did you cry?” Yoongi asks and Taehyung shakes his head.

“I didn’t.” 

“Of course you cried,” Jeongguk hears Yoongi’s steps coming closer to him, taking with force Jeongguk’s chin with his fingers. “And whose fault is that, huh?”

Jeongguk stays silent. “Do you enjoy hurting Taehyung, Jeongguk-ah?” Yoongi chuckles, hardening his grip. “Do you?”

“Fuck you.” Jeongguk says and the moment he does, he feels Yoongi’s punch landing on Jeongguk’s cheekbone. With the corner of his eye Jeongguk sees Taehyung trembling, so he takes Yoongi wrists, stopping him.

”Drop it, Yoongi. Letting Taehyung see yourself like this won’t make him magically fall in love with you.”

Yoongi chuckles, “Yet,” He says, coming closer to him. “He cheated on you with me.”

Jeongguk hums, “That’s what you’ll always be for him,” He says, “A mistake.”

Another punch lands on Jeongguk’s cheekbone and he tighten the grip on Yoongi’s wrists. “Stop it, you fucker.”

Jeongguk leaves Yoongi’s wrist and without really meaning to, he walks to Taehyung and takes him in his arms, caressing his back. 

And he knows he shouldn’t, he knows it’s not doing any good to his already bleeding heart, but Jeongguk can’t stand the sight of Taehyung shaking and crying. He hates when it happens and he’s sorry he’s part of it. He knows he should stay away from him, but he knows right now Taehyung needs his arms around him and no one else. 

“It’s okay, don’t cry,” Jeongguk whispers, holding back the urge to leave a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead. “You’re safe.”

Jeongguk pretends it doesn’t hurt to have Taehyung between his arms, he pretends he doesn’t feel Taehyung’s hands tentatively trying to keep him close, he pretends he doesn’t miss to have Taehyung like this. He pretends, just for the briefest of moments, that everything’s alright and Taehyung is still his.

— 

The next time Jeongguk sees Taehyung is in summer. After Yoongi’s birthday, everything went down hill. Yoongi decided to move out, going to America to purse his dream to be a producer, Namjoon followed him soon after for the same reason and Seokjin, too. To purse his dream to be an actor.

Jeongguk started working at a tattoo shop (he has now a full-sleeve tattooed), helping Mingyu and Yugyeom. For now he’s just the one who replies to costumers’s call and draws the idea they tell him about, finalizing it once they meet at the shop.

But he knows that if he works hard, someday he’s going to ink other people’s skin.

Hoseok and Jimin, though, remained behind to be with him. They say that’s not true, that is not because of him but he knows.

Hoseok knew some acquaintances that gave him a space to open up a dance school and when he talked about it with Jimin, they decided to open it together and Jeongguk helps them sometimes.

He’s now in Busan for his mother’s birthday. He wakes up, takes a shower and walks down the stairs, hugging his mom from behind, “Happy birthday, Mom.” Jeongguk says, leaving a kiss on her temple. “You’re so pretty,” He smiles and hugs her tighter.

“Thanks, baby,” Dahye smiles, placing her hands on Jeongguk’s arms, caressing them and he smiles. He’s so lucky, isn’t he? To have his mother right here, by his arms. Something Jeongguk only imaged when he was a child. But he was glad he found out.

One time, maybe when Jeongguk was eleven years old, he overheard Dahye and Jungsik talking about how it was time to tell Jeongguk the truth. Telling him that Dahye was, in fact, his real mother. The one adopting Jeongguk was Jungsik, to make Jeongguk legally his child since Jeongguk’s father didn’t stick around and he never cared to found him. He was glad just to have someone who he could call dad. A year after, they sat down with him and told Jeongguk everything he had to know at twelve years old. Some deeper stuff he knows now couldn’t be something a twelve year old could understand.

“Stop complimenting me, though,” Dahye chuckles, “I’m getting old.”

“Old? Mom, you’re forty-four,” Jeongguk says, “Not eighty-four,” He smiles, his chin now resting on her shoulder. “Your beauty doesn’t age, though. You’re still so pretty. Like when I was in your womb,” Jeongguk smiles and caresses it, feeling a baby bump. “Mom?” 

Dahye nods, smiling. “I found out this morning,” She says, putting her hand on Jeongguk’s. “I’m pregnant, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk smiles and turns his mom between his arms, picking her up and make the two of them spin around and Dahye yelps, laughing, and Jeongguk with her. For the first time in months Jeongguk feels his heart less heavy. 

“Does Dad know?”

Dahye looks at Jeongguk, smiling. Her hands caressing Jeongguk’s face. “Not yet,” She says, her eyes bright like the stars in the night sky, shiny. 

“What?” Jeongguk asks.

“It brings me so much joy to see you talk about Jungsik being your dad so casually.”

“He is my dad,” Jeongguk states. “I’m legally his son, aren’t I?” 

Dahye smiles and nods. “That’s right. You’re our son,” She says and lets Jeongguk put her down, caressing his cheek. 

“Help Mom make some pancakes, will you?” Dahye asks and Jeongguk smiles at her, nodding. He helps Dahye picking the ingredients she calls out and when Jeongguk opens the fridge, he takes out a banana milk and smiles. “You still buy them?”

“Of course I do,” Dahye smiles while she starts to mix the ingredients together, “I know you still love them. You haven’t changed a lot, baby,” 

“Mmh,” He hums. “I haven’t, you’re right.” Jeongguk chuckles and helps his mom cooking them.

“Does Taehyung still love strawberry flavored topping for pancakes?” 

Jeongguk stills and looks at Dahye, inhaling and exhaling deeply. “I guess,” Jeongguk says, shrugging. “I might not know him anymore.”

Dahye hums. “Jeongguk?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” She starts, “But,”

“But?”

“Taehyung reached out to me.” Dahye says cautiously, eyeing Jeongguk while she cooks the pancakes.

Jeongguk hums. “Okay,” he says.

“Hana wants to meet me.”

“Mom,” He calls. “Go straight to the point, please.”

Dahye sighs and lowers the gas flame, taking Jeongguk’s hand. “I know you and Taehyung aren’t exactly on speaking terms,” She hesitates and Jeongguk laces their fingers together. “But he told me where they are. We’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Wait. What?” Jeongguk asks. “We?”

“You can’t avoid him forever, baby,” Dahye says, caressing his fingers.

Jeongguk chuckles. “He’s the one who’s ignoring me, Mom.” 

“Just for one week.. Put aside whatever is going on between you two and listen to him when he comes to you, yeah?” 

“What does it mean?”

“He misses you, Jeongguk. He wants to talk. Just listen to him, mh?” Dahye asks and Jeongguk just nods, sighing. 

“I doubt he misses me, but sure.”

—

jeongguk:
taehyung reached out to my mom and we’re leaving tomorrow
are you in busan yet?

jimin hyung:
well that’s sudden, isn’t it?
yeah i’ve arrived this afternoon ㅎ wish your mom a happy birthday from me :)

jeongguk:
she says thank you and that she misses you
yea it seems sudden and i mean i know his mom wants to see my mom
but why me..? my mom said taehyung misses me but well :/ after these articles i don’t really think he does

jimin hyung:
what articles?

jeongguk:
1. South Korean’s Painter Vante spotted leaving with one man, hand in hand. A new couple over the horizon?
2. Painter Vante spotted kissing with a young beautiful lady outside a bar in New York City, the two seemed to be very close. Is she just another conquest of him?
3. Painter Vante was spotted with same young lady at a museum date. Is Vante’s heart finally settled?4. It seemed that the young lady was just another passing time of our beloved Vante. He was spotted at Celine after party, pole dancing with some mysterious men.  
yeah :/

jimin hyung:
fuck thats so fucked up
i wish he’d talk to me but i guess someone saw us when we kissed and told him

jeongguk:
don’t worry about it hyung, you’re stressing over nothing
 i am single, i can do whatever i want

jimin hyung:
i know you can. but its wrong coming from me, jeongguk..
he’s my best friend

jeongguk:
he was your best friend too when he slept with the guy you’re in love with
don’t blame yourself hyung. i kissed you anyway

jimin hyung:
do you regret it?

jeongguk:
no, i dont
i kinda wanted it

jimin hyung:
oh.. me too.
i guess 🫡

jeongguk:
cute ㅎㅎ
want to meet up?

jimin hyung:
yeah but you better not try to kiss me though
you fucker 

Jeongguk chuckles. 

jeongguk:
can’t promise that. i’m mu defense your lips are distracting ;)
and kissable

jimin hyung:
i’m being serious 

jeongguk:
so am i :)
meet me at our warehouse

—

Jeongguk arrives first and waits for Jimin, sitting on the ground and letting his legs swaying back and forth. That place was the one Jimin always found him when people would make fun of him. When Taehyung wasn’t around.

So many times Jeongguk cried between Jimin’s arms and the fact that nothing has changed makes Jeongguk smile. He cares so much about Jimin and always found comfort in him. He isn’t sure if seeking comfort from your best friend means that you can kiss him. On the lips. Jeongguk doesn’t know why he did it back in March, neither the twice nor thrice times after that. 

It’s not like Jeongguk likes Jimin. Yes, he always found him one of the most attractive men he ever met, but Jeongguk doesn’t like Jimin in the way he likes Taehyung. 

Maybe both of them desperately needed some type of comfort and found it in each other’s arms. And Jeongguk knows that’s wrong, even if he’s single he shouldn’t pay Taehyung back this way, but he’s not cheating, is he? Jeongguk never did and the moment he let his lips touch Jimin’s, Jeongguk and Taehyung were already over.

He knows Taehyung could be hurt by his actions and that’s the least thing he wants, but he’s allowed to come to terms with everything that happened on his own way, right? Which, to say the truth, Jeongguk doesn’t really know what his own way is, but he’ll do whatever he can to let the pain his heart’s been holding since last September to stop or just to lessen.

“You’re already spacing out, aren’t you?” Jimin asks, sitting next to him and turning his head towards Jeongguk. “It’s been, like..” He looks at his wristwatch, “Five minutes since I’ve arrived,” Jimin chuckles.

“Sorry,” Jeongguk smiles, looking at him. “How’s your family?”

“They’re doing great,” Jimin says, “My dad still can’t look at me without making some homophobic remarks.” He shrugs and smiles.

“He’s an asshole.” 

“He is.”

Silence falls upon them but it isn’t uncomfortable or painful, not like the one Jeongguk’s being accustomed to. 

“Do you really think it’s wrong?” Jeongguk asks after some time.

Jimin stays silent for a while, then looks at Jeongguk and speaks again. “I think it is. Coming from me,” Jimin points out, shrugging. “I don’t want him to think I kissed you for some sort of revenge. I don’t care about it. I’ve known all along that Yoongi had a thing for him,” Jimin says. “Fuck, he called out his name so many times while sleeping with me.”

“What?”

Jimin nods. “Yeah. I just.. couldn’t bring myself to put an end to it. I wanted to feel loved by him and the only way was giving him my body.”

“I hate it so much when you speak so low of yourself,” Jeongguk sighs, taking Jimin’s hand. “I wish you could see yourself with our eyes. My eyes.” 

“Why?” Jimin asks. “I’m nothing special, Jeongguk.”

“You’re so wrong for this, hyung. You’re so much more than just your body.”

“Then why did you kiss me?”

“What do you mean, Jimin?”

“If not for my body,” He whispers, “Why did you kiss me?”

“Because I wanted to kiss you,” Jeongguk says, locking his gaze with Jimin’s for the briefest moment, but the older tears his gaze away. “I don’t care about your body, Jimin. As of now I don’t think I can bring myself to sleep with you even if I ever want to. But you’re so much more than that.”

Jimin sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t believe it.”

Jeongguk looks at him and the moment he sees Jimin’s tears, he turns in body towards Jimin, opening his legs and letting him fall between them. Jeongguk’s left leg behind Jimin’s back, his right leg crossing Jimin’s legs. He pulls Jimin closer to him, letting the older lean his head on his chest. Jeongguk hugs him, his chin placed on Jimin’s head. 

“Why?” Jeongguk asks. 

“Why you ask?” Jimin says, chuckling. “I’m not meant to be loved by someone, Jeongguk-ah. Everyone wants me for my body, not for me.” He says, wiping his tears. 

Jeongguk scoffs. “That’s on them, Jimin. Everyone of us is meant to be loved. And so are you,” He says, leaving a kiss on Jimin’s temple. “Sometimes we just have to keep our eyes open and keep looking around us. You don’t have to be stuck on Yoongi if even thinking about him hurts you.” 

“Are you Namjooning right now?” Jimin chuckles and Jeongguk smiles, bringing his fingers under Jimin’s chin, guiding his face to make Jimin look at him. 

“You’re meant to be loved, Jimin,” Jeongguk whispers, caressing his chin with his fingers. “And you’ll find someone who’ll make you feel loved.”

Jimin sighs and closes his eyes, letting Jeongguk’s fingers caressing him, carefully. “You’re all grown up now, Jeongguk-ah.” Jimin smiles and so does Jeongguk, putting Jimin’s chin up and leaning down, their noses touching. 

“Don’t,” Jimin whispers.

“Mh?”

“Don’t kiss me.”

“Why?” Jeongguk whispers back, “Don’t want me to?”

“That’s the thing,” Jimin says. “I want you to, but I can’t do this to Taehyung,”

“Then I’m not kissing you,” Jeongguk whispers, their noses still touching and brushing together. 

Jimin hesitates to say something but he doesn’t. He looks up at Jeongguk, gaze dropping on the younger lips, sighing. “There aren’t any feelings attached, are there?” Jimin asks.

Jeongguk nods. “We’re just seeking comfort from the other. I think both of us are very much in love with each other’s best friend.” Jeongguk says, then corrects himself. “Well, what I though was my best friend.”

“Fuck,” Jimin chuckles. “We are.” 

Jeongguk hums and Jimin smiles, leaning in, leaving a kiss on the corner of his lips and Jeongguk caresses his cheek, smiling at him. “I know it hurts now, but give yourself a second chance at love.”

“Mh,” Jimin nods. “I’ll try.”

Jeongguk hums and looks at him. “So,” He starts. “You’re really not going to kiss me?” Jeongguk asks, chuckling when Jimin slaps his arm.

“Am I seeing this right?” Jimin asks and takes Jeongguk’s face between his hands, angling it so Jimin’s facing his right side. “Is that a lip piercing?”

Jeongguk nods, smirking and Jimin curses. “Well, you’re hot. Not gonna lie.”

Jeongguk laughs and shakes his head, his face coming closer to Jimin’s. “Aren’t you curious?” 

Jimin narrow his eyebrows. “About what?”

Jeongguk raises his eyebrows, smirking. “How it feels upon your lips,” He says, their lips brushing. 

Jeongguk doesn’t really know what he’s doing. He just misses having someone for himself, having their attention on him. Jeongguk misses psychical touch and he doesn’t want tomorrow to come. He doesn’t think he’s ready to face Taehyung yet. Jeongguk knows they’ll probably talk, but does he want to? 

Does Jeongguk want to see Taehyung’s pain all over again?

“We’re not doing this, Jeongguk-ah.” Jimin whispers.

Jeongguk sighs. His lips still brushing Jimin’s, the older not making any effort to move himself away from Jeongguk. “Please.”

And he doesn’t really mean to make it sound strangled, but he sees worry in Jimin’s eyes and he closes his eyes. Maybe Jimin’s right. They can’t. But Jeongguk needs someone, he needs to feel something because he’s getting tired of feeling numb, empty, like nothing has meaning.

Jimin puts his lips upon Jeongguk for the briefest moment, letting it linger for a while but not making a move. Jeongguk opens his eyes and looks at him, Jimin’s hand coming to wipe tears from Jeongguk’s face he wasn’t aware of. “This is the last time, Jeongguk-ah.” Jimin whispers on his lips, “We’re not doing this anymore.” 

Jeongguk nods and his lips starts moving alongside Jimin’s. He puts one hand on Jimin’s nape and Jimin lets him, sliding his arm to circle Jeongguk’s waist. Between the kiss, they shift positions and Jeongguk helps Jimin moving onto his lap, struggling a bit since both of them aren’t really making an effort to break the kiss.

After they succeed, Jimin brings his hand on Jeongguk’s shoulders while his hands are placed carefully on both sides of Jimin. “Jeongguk,” Jimin calls him between the kiss, panting but not resigning from kissing him. 

“Mmh?” Jeongguk keeps kissing Jimin, his arm now sliding behind Jimin, bringing him closer while the other hand finds his way to Jimin’s thigh, caressing it, slowly. 

“Let’s stop before we do something both of us will regret.” Jimin says, trying to get away from Jeongguk’s lips but the younger chases after them, kissing Jimin once again and he kisses back, placing his hand between Jeongguk’s hair. 

They keep kissing for a while. Lips and tongues dancing together, Jimin’s tongue playing with Jeongguk’s lip piercing. His teeth grasping his lower lip between them, pulling at it and Jimin lets out a moan which really shouldn’t have left his mouth and Jeongguk does the same, not really understanding a fucking thing that is happening.

“Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin says, struggling a bit to put some distance between them, but succeeding. “Let’s stop, okay?”

Jeongguk nods and looks at him. “Sorry, I should’ve stopped the first time you asked me to.”

Jimin shakes his head. “That’s okay. I wanted it too. I just thought that we could get carried away,”

“We were.” 

“I know. But that’s not gonna happen, right?”

Jeongguk nods and sighs, hiding his face on the crook of Jimin’s neck. The older hugs Jeongguk, tightening his grip when he feels Jeongguk shake.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.”

“You miss him, don’t you?”

Jeongguk sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin says, taking his head between his hands. “You don’t have to be sorry. I know how you feel,” He says, caressing his cheeks. “It’s not like we’re a thing and you have to be sorry for me, alright?”

Jeongguk nods and hugs Jimin for a bit longer before saying goodbye to him and returning home.

The week that awaits him seems to be filled with pain and Jeongguk doesn’t really want to experience it. But Jeongguk can’t let his pregnant Mom go alone to another country.

—

Dahye and Jeongguk are on plane when Taehyung text his mother to let her know he’ll be the one picking them up and Jeongguk holds his breath when Dahye tells him about it.

Jeongguk promised his mother he wouldn’t overreact or make a scene, that he would talk to Taehyung as if nothing ever happened but could he?

The moment they get off the plane and exit the airport, Jeongguk stills with his suitcase next to him. Jeongguk looks at Taehyung, can’t bring himself to tear his gaze away. He’s waiting for them, with his hands in the back pockets of his jeans and smiles at the sight of Dahye, who’s currently walking towards him.

Taehyung is so pretty it actually hurts, like when you look up at the sun and your eyes burns from it. He’s wearing a plain white t-shirt tucked inside baby blue jeans. And his hair are fucking blonde. He’s so, so pretty. 

He takes some more time to look at him hugging his Mom, smiling when she tells him something and when Jeongguk sees Taehyung caressing his mother’s baby dump, Jeongguk smiles and his heart clenches. When he was a teenager, he often told Taehyung that he really wanted a baby brother or baby sister to take care of and Taehyung had promised him that if it every happened, he would help him take care of the baby. Because Taehyung always thought he wasn't a perfect brother to his siblings. Jeongguk hasn't seen a lot of it. Taehyung never really brought Jeongguk back to his home when they were little.

With a heart stuck between happiness and nostalgia, he takes his suitcase and walks towards them without saying anything. He’s surprised when Taehyung comes closer to him and laces his arms around Jeongguk’s neck, hugging him. Jeongguk feels Taehyung nose stroking his neck, inhaling his perfume and automatically, like it’s meant to be, Jeongguk’s arms finds its way around Taehyung’s waist. 

“Hi,” Taehyung whispers, exhaling and tightening his grip bringing Jeongguk impossibly closer to him and Jeongguk lets him. He lets him because he’s a weak man. Jeongguk knows he should put some distance between them but he can’t, Jeongguk can’t. 

He’s been missing the most important piece of his heart since last September. Doesn’t matter the season he’s in, he always misses the sun, his sun.

“Hi,” Jeongguk says back, letting his lips graze Taehyung forehead, cursing himself mentally. After quite some time they break the hug off and just smile shyly at each other. 

Dahye smiles looking at them. “Shall we go, guys?” She asks and Jeongguk nods. He’s going to take his mother’s suitcase but the moment he puts his hand on the trolley he feels the touch of Taehyung’s hand on his and for a moment he doesn’t understand and looks at him, dropping his gaze and sees that both of them went for it. Jeongguk smiles and lets it go, not really wanting to acknowledge what just happened.

“Let’s go,” Taehyung says and starts walking out of the airport, Dahye and Jeongguk following him.

The car ride back Taehyung’s home is not really uncomfortable. Dahye and Taehyung small talk every now and then, sometimes he gets called out by his mom to make him speak and he gladly obliges when he sees his mother being excited about this trip.

“One thing,” Taehyung says, looking at Jeongguk from the interior rear view mirror. He bites his lips out of nervousness and Jeongguk look at him, smiling, trying to comfort him.

“My boyfriend,” He clears his voice and Jeongguk’s heart clenches. Of course.

“Oh? You got a boyfriend?” Dahye asks and Taehyung smiles shyly, nodding. “What about him?”

“Oh,” He says, eyeing Jeongguk. “He’s gonna be with us for some days and he might be a little.. too much.”

“Don’t worry about it, my dear,” Dahye smiles at him, caressing his shoulder and Jeongguk just nods. He sighs, clears his voice and looks at him.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

Taehyung nods. His eyes shiny. His hands trembling.

Jeongguk knows something’s wrong. But what can he do if Taehyung doesn’t let him in?

—

Taehyung’s right. Jaehyun is too much. From the moment he enters Hana and Taehyung’s house, Jaehyun doesn’t stop, not even for a minute, to put salt on Jeongguk’s wounds. Jaehyun looks at him like Jeongguk is some kinda of monster, scoffs every time Jeongguk open his mouth, chuckles when Dahye tells Hana about how good Jeongguk has gotten at drawing and how he’s now working as a tattoo artist and he pretends he doesn’t feel Taehyung’s eyes on his arm. 

But what hurts the most is seeing the discomfort on Taehyung’s face when Jaehyun keeps him closer. Taehyung’s face grimacing from the pain he’s feeling since Jaehyun has his fingertips tightening on Taehyung’s side, and Jeongguk wants to reach out but he can’t. 

“Woah, Jeongguk,” Jaehyun says, looking at him, the moment Hana, Dahye and Taehyung’s siblings go out to grocery shopping. Jaehyun chuckles. He wants to punch him so bad. “Finally we meet again.”

“Again?” Taehyung asks, trying to get up but Jaehyun doesn’t let him.

”I just want a glass of water,” Taehyung whispers and Jaehyun nods, letting him go.

What the fuck? That there’s something wrong going on it’s not a mystery, it’s clear to anyone. But what the fuck is Jeongguk witnessing? Is Jaehyun abusive towards Taehyung? 

“Didn’t Jeongguk tell you?” Jaehyun asks Taehyung, smirking. Jeongguk crosses his arms on his chest, looking at Jaehyun. Not letting him affect Jeongguk in any way.

“What?” Taehyung asks and sit next to Jaehyun, again. His eyes never meeting Jeongguk’s despite Jeongguk trying to make eye contact with him. Jaehyun circles Taehyung’s waist with his arm and only then Jeongguk realizes how much skinnier Taehyung has got.

His eyes seems to be more empty that they ever were. When they were together, sometimes, Jeongguk felt like Taehyung’s eyes were like stars on grey nights. Just shy to come out. Just shy to bright up the whole sky. But when Taehyung laughed, fuck, Jeongguk’s whole world lit up. Every time. 

Jeongguk likes to think that sometimes he helped Taehyung with all the pain he felt. He wonders if there was a period of time where Taehyung was doing really fine and he curses himself for thinking that Taehyung was getting better when he clearly wasn’t.

“Was it almost five years ago, Jeongguk?” 

“Want me to make you remember?” Jeongguk asks and Jaehyun chuckles, looking at him.

“Let me tell you the story, baby,” Jaehyun says. “Do you remember the party your little friends throw the moment you, Jeonggukie and Jimin came to Seoul?”

Taehyung nods, his gaze dropping. “Eyes on me when I’m talking to you.” He says and Taehyung obliges, smiling at him. 

“Good,” Jaehyun says.

What the fuck?  

“Taehyung-ah,” Jeongguk calls out, looking at him and he sees Taehyung’s lower lip tremble. “Why the fuck do you let him treat you like this?”

“Like what?” Taehyung asks, shrugging. “Jaehyun loves me,” He says and gulps, smiling at Jaehyun without looking at Jeongguk. “Were you saying, love?”

“I was saying,” Jaehyun glares at Jeongguk, then smiling at Taehyung. “We spent the night together, right? And you wanted it too, is that right?” Jaehyun asks and Jeongguk glares at Taehyung, his heart clenching.

“We did,” Taehyung agrees.

“Yes. And you wanted me, right?”

Taehyung nods. Jaehyun shakes his head. “Voice.”

“I wanted it.”

Jeongguk locks his gaze with Taehyung’s, he knows he can tell Jeongguk’s worried, but he tries his very best to assure him, to assure Taehyung that he’s not going to hurt him as long as Jeongguk is with him.

Taehyung gives him a small smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes. It’s like when the sun hides behind clouds and doesn’t want to come out.

“Right.” Jaehyun says, glaring back at Jeongguk. “Want to know what our maknae did?” 

“Jaehyun-ah,” Jeongguk glares at him, a fake smile adorning his lips. “Do you genuinely believe in every word that comes out your shitty mouth?” 

“I know you’re just bitter because he chose me over you, kid. You’re so cute.”

“If the decision was his, maybe I would be.” 

Jaehyun chuckles, shaking his head. “How silly of you.”

“Want to know what I did?” Jeongguk asks Taehyung, standing up and coming closer to him. Jaehyun’s grip hardens and Jeongguk inhales. Taehyung’s face making a grimace out of pain, again.

Jeongguk glances at Jaehyun, hard. “Can’t you see you’re hurting him, you fucker?”

“Shut up, Jeongguk,” Jaehyun says. “He likes it.”

“What did you do, Bu-” Taehyung clears his throat. “Jeongguk?” Taehyung asks and Jeongguk lowers down to be the exact same height as Taehyung. He takes his hands, not giving a fuck about Jaehyun. Jeongguk caresses them, slowly. To make Taehyung understand he’s here, nothing bad is gonna happen as long as Jeongguk is here with him.

Jeongguk smiles. “I took care of him for what he did to you. I beat him up so bad that he couldn’t even get up and stand up for himself,” Jeongguk says, caressing his hands. Ignoring the way Taehyung’s eyes are brimming with tears, the way his hands are trembling and trying to reach out to him. “I did it for you. That’s why he’s treating you like this. He’s just bitter and wanted to separate us because you love me.”

“I wouldn’t put it like this,” Jaehyun shrugs, “but whatever makes you sleep at night, Jeonggukie,”

Jeongguk ignores him and looks at Taehyung, his hands tracing the back of Taehyung’s right hand, trying all he can to make them stop trembling and Jaehyun doesn’t like it, he can tell. He’s trying to bring Taehyung’s attention to him but Taehyung is looking at Jeongguk.

Jeongguk doesn’t really know how much time they pass just staring at each other, Taehyung trying his best not to cry but when the first few tears paints Taehyung’s honey skin, Jeongguk brings his free hand on Taehyung’s face, wiping his tears and he pretends Taehyung doesn’t lean in his touch.

Distantly, Jeongguk hears a phone ringing but he doesn’t really give a fuck when he has Taehyung taking his hand between both of his. Jeongguk looks at them, smiling because he still thinks their hands are meant to fit together. His gaze going up to look at Taehyung. “What’s happening?” Jeongguk whispers, still caressing Taehyung’s cheek. 

“Later,” Taehyung mouths and moves his hands away from Jeongguk the moment Jaehyun walks in the room and Jeongguk removes his hand from Taehyung’s face.

“Babe,” Jaehyun calls Taehyung, smiling at him. “I’m not coming back tonight. Is that okay?”

Taehyung fucking pouts and looks at Jaehyun, sighing. “That’s alright. Take care.” Taehyung says and Jaehyun leans down to leave a kiss on his lips and Jeongguk tears his gaze away. 

“Don’t you dare cheat on me with that freak. If I hear that you’re being a little whore behind my back you know what happens, right?” 

Taehyung nods and Jeongguk stands up, coming closer to Jaehyun and without thinking about it too much, he lends a punch on Jaehyun’s face, pushing him on the floor and he’s now on top of him. “I guess you haven’t learned the lesson I taught you back then, huh?” Jeongguk says and his fits lends again on Jaehyun’s face, once, twice, three times. He doesn’t stop until he sees blood coming out from Jaehyun’s mouth. 

“Taehyung is not your fucking toy, you fucker. You’re not gonna lend a single finger on him as long as I’m here.” Jeongguk says, taking Jaehyun by the collar of his t-shirt. “When Hana is around you act like you’re innocent but you’re a fucking monster. You just enjoy hurting other people because it satisfies you, doesn’t it? You’re just a piece of shit, Jaehyun-ah. Nobody’s gonna love you if you remain the piece of shit you are. Now you’re gonna leave and you’re never coming back. Even when I go back to South Korea. You’re not gonna touch him anymore, do you understand?” Jeongguk looks at Jaehyun dead in the eyes and can feel Taehyung’s delicate touch on his arm and he curses himself for beating Jaehyun in front of him. “You’ve ruined Taehyung and I’ll never forgive you. Now leave.” Jeongguk says, standing up and Jaehyun doesn’t speak a word, he just moves his gaze between Taehyung and Jeongguk and just like that he leaves.

Jeongguk turns around and just takes Taehyung between his arms, moving his hand up and down on Taehyung’s back to try and calm him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it.” 

Taehyung shakes his head and his grip on Jeongguk’s t-shirt tightens, Taehyung’s tears dropping on his shoulder but he doesn’t care. Jeongguk hugs Taehyung closer, still trying to calm his body from trembling. He whispers something along the lines of you’re safe, i’m right here, he’s not gonna come back, he’s not hurting you anymore, i’m here with you.

Taehyung nods and lets Jeongguk hug him until he returns the hug, holding onto Jeongguk like his life depends on it and Jeongguk lets him. “Thank you,” Taehyung whispers and Jeongguk’s heart clenches. He nods and keeps caressing his back until Taehyung turn his head and looks at Jeongguk. “Is it wrong of me to want you to kiss me when you’re moving on with my best friend?”

Jeongguk sighs and looks at him, still keeping him between his arms. “I’m not moving on with Jimin,” Jeongguk says firmly, looking at his eyes. “But it is wrong of you to want that,” Jeongguk whispers. “I can’t give it to you.”

Taehyung drops his gaze on Jeongguk’s lips and he nods, parting from Jeongguk’s arms. “Yoongi told me you kissed more than one time.” 

“Yoongi. Of course.” Jeongguk scoffs. “Are you being for real?”

“Do you enjoy it?” Taehyung asks. “Kissing Jimin.”

“What kind of question is that?”

“Do you enjoy it, Jeongguk?” Taehyung repeats, wiping off some tears that are streaming down his face.

“Did you enjoy sleeping with someone else behind my back?” Jeongguk asks back. 

“You kiss Jimin behind my back, too.”

“That’s different, Taehyung.”

“Different?” Taehyung chuckles while crying. “How so?”

“You’re not being for real right now, are you?”

“I am serious.”

“Want to know what’s the difference, Taehyung-ah?” Jeongguk asks, his eyes now tingling. He doesn’t want to cry. Not now.

But how can Taehyung think that’s the same thing? For fuck’s sake, Taehyung cheated on him behind his back, when they were still together. Jeongguk, on the other hand, tried to find comfort in Jimin. Who’s Taehyung’s best friend. Because his fucked up head makes him think that in that way, he’s more close to feeling Taehyung. 

Taehyung nods and Jeongguk wipes his tears, sniffing. “I didn’t cheat on you with your best friend. When I kissed Jimin, we were already done.” Jeongguk says, lowering his gaze. “You slept with Yoongi when you were still my boyfriend. That’s the difference.” 

“But Yoongi told me you and Jimin kissed when we—” Taehyung stops, inhales and then keeps speaking. “When we were still together.”

Of fucking course. “Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi!” Jeongguk rises his voice, looking at Taehyung with brimming eyes and tears running down his cheeks. “Can’t you fucking stop saying his name?” 

Taehyung stays silent, Jeongguk’s rising voice startling him. 

“Why can’t you trust me? I never cheated on you.”

“It’s easier to blame you and think you actually did.” 

Without letting Jeongguk answer, Taehyung leaves the living room and goes upstairs, where his bedroom is located. The fact that Jeongguk is gonna sleep on the guest bedroom which is next to Taehyung’s room doesn’t sit right with him. He doesn’t want to sleep alone.

He misses Taehyung so much. 

—

It’s easier to blame you.

Jeongguk wonders how did Taehyung become more miserable than he already was. Jeongguk’s heart hurts to see him like this. Lifeless, tired eyes. Doesn’t smile as much. Skinnier than he already was. 

In nine months so much has changed and Jeongguk doesn’t understand why or how. He swears they were doing fine. Taehyung was doing fine. He was. Sure, some days were worse than others. But most days, Taehyung was like the sun. Literally.

Jeongguk is sitting on the ground of Taehyung’s backyard, a cigarette lit up between his finger. He doesn’t really smoke, but sometimes he feels the need of it. It’s either smoking or drinking and Jeongguk knows both of them are wrong. But he does anyway.

He takes the cigarette between his lips and takes a long drag, letting it rest on them for a bit. He brings his hand down, closing his eyes and letting the smoke come out of his mouth.

Jeongguk brings his legs up to his chest, his elbows on his knees. He looks up at the sky, seeing little dots shining and Jeongguk smiles. Sometimes, when Jeongguk and Taehyung looked at the night sky, Taehyung would compare Jeongguk’s eyes with the stars up in the sky.

The night sky should envy your pretty eyes. They robbed all the stars and now the sky’s left empty.

Jeongguk would smile and Taehyung would kiss his smile away, kissing everyone inch of naked skin possible. Taehyung made him feel so loved and now he’s missing both things. He’s missing Taehyung and the way Taehyung made him feel.

When did it all start to go wrong? If Jeongguk noticed, would he be able to stop Taehyung? To make it work again? But then he thinks about his best friend fucking Taehyung and all he sees is red. Jeongguk suspected that Yoongi had feelings for Taehyung but knowing that both of them cheated on him makes him angry. Yoongi fucking betrayed him, fucking his boyfriend behind his back. Taehyung fucking cheated on him. Again. It had already happened in the four years that they were together but this time around it hurt more.

He wipes a tear he feels running down his face with the hem of his sweater. He takes three more drags before the cigarette burns out. 

“When did you start smoking?” 

When Jeongguk turns his hand to see who it is, even if he doesn’t need to, he sees Taehyung sitting next to him and somehow he seems doing better that he was in the evening.

Jeongguk shrugs. “I don’t always do it.” He says, turning his gaze up to look at the sky. “I just smoke sometimes.”

“Why?” Taehyung asks, hiding his hands inside the long sleeve of his t-shirt. “You have the hyungs beside you if you ever feel like drowning. You know it.”

“For no reason. Just wanted to.” Jeongguk shrugs and sighs. “I know it. But I can’t be a burden to them, too.”

Taehyung stills, nervously biting his lower lip and then looks at Jeongguk. He stays silent for what feels like an eternity, then speaks again. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Everything.” Taehyung whispers and Jeongguk sighs, turning with his whole body towards Taehyung.

“You need to let me in if you want me to understand you, Taehyung-ah,” Jeongguk says, locking his gaze with Taehyung’s and he misses these eyes on him so much. “Otherwise I can’t. Neither I can help you.”

“It’s complicated, Jeongguk-ah. I’m sorry for how I handled it but I think,” He stops, his lips trembling and gaze dropping to his hands. “I think it’s better for us to stay like this.”

Jeongguk’s heart clenches and drops his gaze, too. “Why?” Jeongguk asks, voice trembling. Like his hands. He tries so hard not to cry in front of Taehyung because he knows, he’s seen how he’s been doing but that doesn’t mean that Jeongguk isn’t allowed to cry or being the one who has to pretend to be brave, right? Why does he have to be the bigger person when he’s fucking breaking apart just like Taehyung?

“Am I not enough?”

“God, no.” Taehyung shakes his head and he sees how he hesitate to come closer but doesn’t. “Don’t ever think of these stupid questions, Jeongguk. You’ve always been more than enough.” 

Jeongguk gazes up and meets Taehyung’s eyes again. They look at each other for sometime, both of them letting the silence fall upon them. Jeongguk bits his lower lip, playing nervously with his lip piercing.

”Do you still love me?” Jeongguk asks, barely a whisper but Taehyung stays silent. He looks at him with tears in his eyes but doesn’t make an effort to tell him if he still does.

After some time, Jeongguk speaks again. “If I was enough then why did you leave me behind?” Jeongguk knows he’s crying but he doesn’t really care. 

He’s hurting, too. 

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why?”

“Jeongguk.” Taehyung says, looking at him. “I can’t.”

“You told someone, though. Didn’t you?”

Taehyung nods. “Who?” Jeongguk asks.

Taehyung hesitate to reply and Jeongguk curses. “You told Yoongi, didn’t you?”

Taehyung nods. He sighs, and then “It’s not what you think, Jeongguk. He knows because he’s always been with me since we were kids and has seen things no one should.”

“Why him?” Jeongguk asks.

“I’m telling you that he’s—“

“No.” Jeongguk shakes his head, interrupting Taehyung. “Why did you have to cheat on me?” Jeongguk asks, his heart screaming for how painful it is to even say it. “With Yoongi?”

“If I tell you,” He says, “Can you trust me?”

Jeongguk looks at him, shaking his head. “I don’t think I can. But I want to know.” He says, locking gaze with Taehyung’s. “I need to know.”

Taehyung nods. “You’re right. You need to know and I should’ve told you, not Yoongi-hyung.”

“I don’t care who told me. You shouldn’t have cheated on me. I never gave you a reason to. I loved you so much, Taehyung-ah. Why? Why did you have to break my heart?”

“Loved?” Taehyung asks and Jeongguk looks at him, scoffing.

“Tell me why.”

Taehyung wipes his tears and nods. “You’re so right, Jeongguk. I never should’ve cheated on you. You never gave me a reason to but I did it anyway and I can’t bring myself to come to terms with it because I’m so ashamed of what I did. I hate myself for all the hurting I’m causing you, because you don’t deserve it. Not even an inch. You should always be happy and I’m—” he stops, taking a breath of air. “I’m so sorry it had to end this way. I wish I could’ve made you happier.”

Jeongguk’s still crying and he shakes his hand. “I don’t want to hear any of it. I can’t. I want to know why you did what you did.”

Taehyung nods. “Sex was never something that came easy to me. It was never something that I really wanted. I’ve been doing it — not because I choose to do it — since I was a kid.” Taehyung says and his hands are shaking so bad that Jeongguk wants to take them between his. “I always felt like I should give myself to others to let them get away from me. I was so afraid of the consequences if I didn’t do so. But the consequences came even if I did like I was told to,” Taehyung wipes his cheeks but tears are still streaming down his face and Jeongguk’s heart is hurting too much, he doesn’t know if he really wants to know what Taehyung’s going to say. 

“Do you remember that night Jaehyun’s friends were over at our party and you left?” Taehyung asks and Jeongguk nods. 

“They —” Taehyung stops and inhales, his entire body shaking.

“Just breathe, Taehyung-ah.” Jeongguk says, can’t bring himself to come closer to him. “Take your time.”

Taehyung nods and after a while, he speaks again. “They knew Jaehyun was coming. I was so afraid he might’ve done something to you so I tried to contact you but you didn’t reply to my texts. I was so worried but then they took me up stairs and forced me to drink something. I think there was some drugs in it because I didn’t understand a thing of what was happening. Then Jaehyun came and started to tell me that nobody other than him could really be interested in me. I don’t know how but he found out some things about me and my family and told me about it. Humiliating me.”

“He said you’d never be interested in me. That I was not good enough for you or for anyone if not for him. He told me the only thing I could ever do was trowing myself between older men arms because I had daddy issues and someone like me could never find a person that would love me for me.” 

Jeongguk wipes his tears and looks down. Can’t bring himself to see Taehyung’s pain all over his face. Why did Taehyung have to suffer like this? 

“You know what happened next but I swear to you I didn’t want to. He fucking got me drugged and used my body to his liking. I couldn’t do anything, Jeongguk. He was way too strong for me to beat him and,” He hesitates. “His friends got in on tape. They fucking filmed it all.” 

Taehyung shoulders are now trembling and his body screams at Jeongguk to make a move, to take Taehyung’s between his arms and even if he’s hurting, Jeongguk moves behind him and let his chest touch Taehyung’s back. Just to let him know he’s here. He doesn’t hug him, though.

“The day before I left,” Taehyung says after a while, his body still trembling but less violently. “My Mom told me we had to leave. For things I can’t tell you. Yoongi-hyung knew, that’s why I went to talk to him the day I moved out. I had some drinks before going to him but I was lucid. I wasn’t drunk. Maybe tipsy. I don’t know, I don’t recall much of it. He knew since the night before that I was going to leave and when I opened the door he was drinking, too. He invited me to drink some more with him and I said yes.” 

Jeongguk puts his chin on Taehyung’s shoulder, nodding. Letting him know that he’s here and he’s listening without judging. 

“Yoongi-hyung got really drunk and started saying that I shouldn’t be with you and that he can give me more than you could ever give me. I told him that I didn’t really care about what others thought of our relationship because I was happy. Don’t ever doubt about it, Jeongguk. You made me so happy.”

Jeongguk nods but doesn’t say anything. He can’t. It feels like his heart is stuck on his throat and he doesn’t know what to say. He can’t believe that Yoongi really thought these things about him. When they fought, he thought that Yoongi told him those things for the sake of hurting Jeongguk because he was mad. Turns out, Yoongi really thinks this low of Jeongguk.

“I was leaving his room when he took my wrist and locked us inside his room. I really wanted to leave, Jeongguk. I really did. But I have so many bad experiences and I have so much trauma I’ve never overcame and I just let him kiss me and fuck me like I’m just it because I couldn’t do otherwise. That’s all I recall and I’m so ashamed of what happened. I hate myself that I did it to you.” 

Taehyung then starts crying again, his whole body trembling violently and Jeongguk remembers the morning after the episode with Jaehyun and Jeongguk doesn’t think twice before circling his waist with his arms, bringing Taehyung close to him. “I don’t think I can forgive you just yet but I understand what happened and why you did it. Even if you didn’t want to. But it hurts, hyung.”

Taehyung nods and brings his trembling hands on Jeongguk’s forearm and the hem of Jeongguk sweater rises up, Taehyung lets his hands travel and rises it a little more, tracing the PLEASE LOVE ME tattoo and Jeongguk’s heart clenches, his cheeks wet and red from how hard he’s been crying. “I don’t want you to forgive me, Jeongguk. I don’t deserve it.”

Jeongguk sighs and closes his eyes, letting in the feeling of Taehyung’s finger tracing his tattoo. 

“It looks so pretty on you,” Taehyung says, caressing it over and over again. “I’m sorry I ruined us.”

Jeongguk doesn’t respond and let the silence fall upon them again. He knows he has to let go of Taehyung right now before doing some really stupid things like kissing him and forgiving him for good. But he just can’t. He can’t let go of Taehyung neither forgive him. It hurts so much to have him right here but not having him at all. 

“Sorry about earlier. For rising my voice at you.”

Taehyung shakes his head, his hands still caressing Jeongguk’s forearm. “I was being an asshole. You don’t have to apologize.”

Jeongguk nods. “We should really go inside. It’s getting late.” 

“Mh,” Taehyung hums. One hand leaving Jeongguk’s forearm to wipe what’s left of his tears. “We should.”

Both of them stands up and walks together, shoulders brushing. He opens the front door and lets Taehyung in before him, he enters after him and closes the door behind his back. Taehyung locks it and together they go upstairs, walking towards their room and when they arrive they both halt.

“Thank you. For letting me in.” Jeongguk says, giving his most sincere smile to Taehyung.

“Thank you. For listening to what I had to say.” Taehyung smiles back and walks toward Jeongguk, leaving a kiss on the corner of his lips, under his lip piercing and then looks at Jeongguk. “Have a good night.”

Jeongguk looks at him as Taehyung walks over his room and before Taehyung closes the door, “You too.” Jeongguk says.

—

The next morning Jeongguk wakes up by the smell of pancakes and laughter filling the whole house. He hears Taehyung’s sibling, Danbi and Hwan, outside his door deciding which one of them is gonna wake Jeongguk up. Hwan is seven years old, meanwhile Danbi is five years old. She pretty much was born some time before he and Taehyung got together.

“Why can’t you wake Jeongguk-hyung up?” Hwan whispers and Jeongguk giggles a bit when he hears Danbi response. 

“What if he’s naked, oppa?! I can’t see him naked! I’m a girl!” 

“I don’t really think he is. Just hurry up!” Hwan says, leaving Danbi alone and he hears Danbi sighing, then her little hand knocking on the door. 

“Oppa! Breakfast is ready. Wake up!” Jeongguk hears Danbi say enthusiastically and he smiles, standing up and putting a t-shirt on before opening the door. He lowers himself at the same height of Danbi and smiles. “Thank you for waking me up, Danbi-ah,” He ruffles her hair and smiles when her cheeks reddens. “I’m gonna brush my teeth and come downstairs, that’s okay to you?” He asks and she nods.

“I’m gonna wait for you oppa!” She says entering Jeongguk’s room for the week and sitting on his messy bed, nodding. He smiles at her and goes to the bathroom, taking his toothbrush and toothpaste, brushing them and washing his face before returning to Danbi who was looking at the photo Jeongguk put on his nightstand.

“Taehyungie-oppa,” She says, voice trembling. “He doesn’t smile as much. I haven’t seen him smile like this,” She points at the framed photo. Jimin took it for them. Taehyung painted his face with a beautiful smile that Jeongguk loves so much. He could still feel the laughter from that day. Jeongguk’s hugging him from behind, his arms around Taehyung waist and his face turned towards Taehyung, nose scrunched and a smile adorning his face, their hands tangled together. Taehyung’s head thrown back on Jeongguk’s shoulder. They were so happy. “Since last year.” 

Jeongguk lowers again at her height and looks ad Danbi, taking her small hand and caressing the back of it with his thumb. “Do you hate it?”

Danbi nods. “We have a bad Dad and he made Oppa cry so many times.” 

Having a five year old telling him that Taehyung cries for the “man” he calls Dad makes Jeongguk want to throw up. He doesn’t really know what happened to Taehyung’s family, he might have an idea after what Taehyung told him last night but he doesn’t want to make assumptions because just thinking about how much in pain Taehyung is make Jeongguk’s heart ache.

He wants to be here for Taehyung. Wants to try and save him but how can he when Taehyung doesn’t want to open up more?

Jeongguk sighs, leaving a kiss on her forehead. “I’m sure someday he’ll smile like this again.” Jeongguk smiles at her, picking her up. “In the meantime, why don’t we try to make him smile more, mh?” 

Danbi nods and Jeongguk smiles, going downstairs with Danbi between his arms. They go the kitchen and the first thing Jeongguk sees is Taehyung smiling at Dahye, caressing her baby dump. “Good morning Mom,” Jeongguk says, giving his mom a kiss on the forehead and Dahye gives him a kiss on the cheek. 

Taehyung smiles shyly at him, his fingers brushing his free hand. “Good morning, Jeongguk,” Taehyung says and Jeongguk just smiles at him, mouthing a good morning back.

Taehyung returns the smile and Jeongguk sees his sparkly eyes and wonders if that’s all it takes for Taehyung’s eyes to lit up Jeongguk’s heart. If Jeongguk could see Taehyung’s eyes this way every time, then he’d smile at him every fucking time.

“Danbi-ya was Jeongguk-hyung naked?” Hwan asks and Danbi’s cheeks reddens, Jeongguk giggles and shakes his head, leaving a kiss on Danbi’s cheek.

“What kind of question is that?” Taehyung asks, jokingly scolding his brother, coming closer to him to tickle him. Hwan burst laughing and Jeongguk sees Taehyung grin, smiling to his brother like he never suffered a second in his life. 

Jeongguk smiles when Taehyung locks gaze with him. 

“Good morning,” Hana says, a smile painted on her face and her hand caressing Jeongguk’s back and he turns to her, circling her shoulder with his free arm, caressing it.

“So,” Dahye says. “We already planned and paid everything. I’m sorry to tell you that we won’t accept a ‘No’ as an answer.” 

Hana smiles and looks at them. “We thought about it mostly for Danbi and Hwan because they’re still kids, but we wanted to actually spend some quality time altogether. I already booked everything so it’s kinda difficult to get a refund.” She says and takes Danbi from Jeongguk’s arms, sitting her next to Hwan.

Dahye and Hana walk closer to them, taking Jeongguk and Taehyung near the front door. “We know that things between the two of you are a bit messy but.. for just three days, can you bear to sleep in the same room?” Dahye says and Jeongguk look at her to see if she’s joking but she’s deadly serious and Jeongguk doesn’t really know what to say.

Yes. Taehyung and Jeongguk talked but not about everything so it is kinda awkward to be sleeping with your ex in the same room. 

“As long as there are two beds it’s fine with me.” Jeongguk says and Taehyung looks at him, humming. 

“There are only two rooms. One with two queen size bed and we took it, because you know. There will be four people sleeping there,” Dahye says and smiles nervously at them. “The other room has only one queen size bed. Can you share it?”

Jeongguk is going to complain but he feels Taehyung’s fingers wrapping around his wrist, and Jeongguk’s gaze drops where their skin connects thanks to Taehyung’s touch before looking at him. He opens his mouth so say something but Taehyung’s fingers keeps caressing his wrist and he fucking stops breathing.

Taehyung smiles at Dahye. “We’ll manage. Don’t worry.”

Dahye and Hana smiles at them and claps their hands, turning back to the kids.

”We’ll manage, huh?” 

“It’s not like we never slept on the same bed, Jeongguk. It’s okay,” Taehyung smiles and keeps caressing his wrist and Jeongguk thinks his heart should stop beating like this for him.

“Is it, though?” Jeongguk whispers and Taehyung nods, smiling at him.

Jeongguk shakes his head. “We can’t, hyung.”

Jeongguk is doing an extremely hard job trying not to touch Taehyung like he’s used to because Taehyung isn’t his anymore and it’s hard. It’s hard to have the urge to bring him closer to himself, to hug him, to trace every line of Taehyung’s body with his hands. It’s hard for Jeongguk trying to repress the urge to kiss Taehyung’s lips, to feel his body closer to his, to trace every line of Taehyung’s body with his lips, to make love to Taehyung. 

Jeongguk can’t share the bed with Taehyung. Nothing good will come out from it and both of them know that. Jeongguk knows that Taehyung, too, knows. But Jeongguk can’t ignore the sparkle of Taehyung’s eyes right now, looking at him like almost a year without being together wasn’t real. Looking at him like Jeongguk’s still his.

“We can make it work, can’t we?” Taehyung asks, using his puppy eyes to look at him and Jeongguk wants to say that no, they can’t make it work because thinking about Taehyung and Yoongi still hurts him. He wants to say that no, they can’t make it work because Jeongguk still loves Taehyung and falling into his grip means that there’s no escape. Jeongguk knows. He learned it himself almost five years ago.

Taehyung has this aura, these eyes, that once you look at him, at them, everything stops. Once you look at Taehyung, everything loses meaning. Nothing has any meaning left if not Taehyung’s eyes sparkling because little things makes him feel alive. Because sharing one bed with Jeongguk is everything he wants, and Jeongguk knows because that’s exactly what he wants, too. 

Jeongguk knows he should say no, but Taehyung’s eyes, fuck, they’re sparkling and Jeongguk is a weak, weak man for Taehyung. So Jeongguk nods, saying that yes, they can make it work and Taehyung just smiles.

Jeongguk’s heart rate speeding at the sight of Taehyung’s boxy smile appearing before him. 

—

Hana and Dahye rented a place near the beach, so Jeongguk and Taehyung decide to go out when they hear that a party is being thrown at the beach.

Seeing Taehyung with just a loose shirt, a few buttons left open and tight pants make his head spinning and for the briefest moment Jeongguk wants to slam Taehyung against the closest wall and kiss him senseless. And the fact that his blonde hair goes so well with his honey skin doesn’t help Jeongguk. Not even a bit.

He’s styling his hair when from the mirror he sees Taehyung leaning on the side of the door, looking at him just like the very first time. Seeing Taehyung like this brings him back to the very first night, five years ago, in which they let their hands touch each other for the first time. He misses all of it. He misses the pain, too. The one his heart’s been holding now is so much different and he truly wants to just be happy. With or without Taehyung. But it’s been almost a year and Jeongguk still loves Taehyung so, so, so much. 

And sometimes Jeongguk wonders if nothing ever happened that night, would they still find their way to each other? Jeongguk is glad that he gave them a chance and didn’t gave up on them every time there was something much bigger than the both of them. Both of them have seen the worst of the other, sometimes really bad things happened between them but Jeongguk would endure it all again if that meant to have Taehyung. 

When Jeongguk looks at Taehyung, his heart clenches. Not because he feels some kinda of pity for him, but because if Jeongguk could, he’d take his pain away so Taehyung’s beautiful eyes could keep shining like they’re doing now, looking at Jeongguk. 

“You’re pretty,” Taehyung says, his head leaning on the side of door, looking at Jeongguk from the mirror and smiling at him like nothing bad ever happened between them, like they didn’t break up almost a year ago. 

Jeongguk feels his hands trembling as he adjusts some strands of hair in his forehead. Why is Taehyung doing this to him? 

“Thanks,” Jeongguk says, looking at him by the mirror and giving back a small smile. “So are you.”

Taehyung smiles and comes closer to Jeongguk, his hands moving on Jeongguk’s chest and he stops breathing. Taehyung’s hands move to unbutton some buttons of his shirt. “It suits you well.” Taehyung says as he looks at Jeongguk’s lips.

“What?” Jeongguk asks, a smirk adorning his lips.

Of course he knows the answer. He just wants Taehyung to say it. 

Taehyung’s fingers traces his chest and Jeongguk’s skin erupts in goosebumps the very moment Taehyung fingers comes in contact with his skin.

“Your lip piercing,” Taehyung says, his gaze never leaving Jeongguk’s lips and he takes advantage of that, his tongue coming in contact with the metal of the piercing and starts playing with it, under Taehyung’s attentive gaze. 

“Thanks,” Jeongguk says, smirking when Taehyung gulps and once he puts some gloss on his lips, they’re ready to go.

The party is quite full of people, faceless body dancing together, groping each other, nameless faces making out, tracing each other’s lines. 

Jeongguk sees a couple just looking at each other while mouthing the lyrics of the song playing in the background, he looks at them being in love and it brings him back to when he and Taehyung had done something similar.

It was a party and they were dancing together, Jeongguk hugging Taehyung from behind. His arms holding on Taehyung for dear life while he was singing in his ear the lyrics of some remixes of Dress by Taylor Swift. 

Taehyung made his mark on him. Quite literally. Jeongguk has a tattoo that has Taehyung’s name on it but before it came, Taehyung marked Jeongguk with a golden tattoo, one that would never go away. Because Jeongguk was accustomed of seeing black and white but Taehyung painted him golden. And Taehyung did carve his name. But on Jeongguk’s heart. And he doesn’t really know how to fake it never happened. 

It doesn’t matter if Jeongguk tonight decides to kiss someone or to have some good time because Taehyung will always be his one and only, his lifetime. And no one will ever change that.

Like some kind of twisted game, some remixes of Cornelia Street starts playing and Taehyung’s hands find their way to Jeongguk’s wrists, placing his hands on his waist while Taehyung laces his arms around Jeongguk’s neck. 

Taehyung brings their bodies closer together, his face coming closer to Jeongguk’s ear. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Jeongguk warns. He can’t do that. Not tonight.

“I’m sorry I ruined us, Bun.” Taehyung says anyway, his hand between Jeongguk’s hair, scratching his scalp. “I’ll make it up to you someday. I promise you.”

“I don’t do promises, Taehyung.”

“It may take longer than I expect. But I’ll give us the happy ending we deserve. Trust me. Just this time.”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “Our story doesn’t have a happy ending, Taehyung-ah. Maybe we don’t deserve one and our end was meant to happen like this.”

Jeongguk would love to trust Taehyung and tell him that he can wait for him for how long it takes, but the truth is that Jeongguk has been cheated on more than one time from Taehyung. He understands his situation and he’s sorry for him, he truly is, but he can’t forgive him every time it happens. He can’t.

Once the song ends, Jeongguk smiles at Taehyung and removes his hands from his waist, warning him that he’s going to get some drink and leaves before his façade drops. 

“One Margarita, please,” Jeongguk asks the bartender but doesn’t really look at them. He takes his head between his hands and sighs. 

Why did it have to go the way it did? Jeongguk is so fucking tired of it all. He hates it. He fucking hates it and wants his heart to stop beating.

He just wants to have Taehyung back. 

“One for me, too,” Taehyung says, his head lowered, gaze on his hands playing with the other. 

After some moment which they stay silent, Taehyung comes closer to him and speaks again, talking in his ear to let Jeongguk hear him better. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry. Let’s just pretend everything is fine and then let’s go dance, yeah?”

“Pretend,” Jeongguk chuckles, nodding at Taehyung and thanking the bartender when he puts his Margarita in front of him. He takes it and tighten his grip on the glass when he sees the same bartender winking at Taehyung after giving him the Margarita. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s do it your way like we’ve been doing for a while. We’re really good at it, aren’t we?”

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung says, firmly. “Please.”

“Why would I do that?” Jeongguk asks, turning his head to look at Taehyung. “Why would I pretend everything’s fine when it’s fucking not?” 

“Please.” Taehyung is literally begging now, trying to reach out for Jeongguk’s hand and he thinks of letting Taehyung take it but then he remembers the day Taehyung left and he snatches his hand back. “Only for tonight. Let’s pretend.”

“Don’t plead me, Taehyung.” Jeongguk says, sipping his Margarita in one gulp, wiping some droplets from his chin with a napkin before speaking again. “I’m not forgetting the way you had me begging for you to talk to me just for you to fucking leave me behind.” 

Taehyung sighs and Jeongguk sees him wiping his cheek. He then stands up and offers his hand to Jeongguk, smiling at him like nothing ever happened. His eyes shiny but so, so, so alive. 

“Let’s dance.” 

And they do. They dance till maybe three in the morning, between sweets words whispered for only them to know and cocktails. They’re not really drunk, Jeongguk swears. But somehow Jeongguk finds himself being kissed by Taehyung after they enter the house and he knows he shouldn’t do it, he fucking knows.

But he misses Taehyung so much. He has missed his lips on his so much that he doesn’t have the courage to distance himself from Taehyung.

Jeongguk returns the kiss, his hand finding their way between Taehyung’s hair while the other is placed on Taehyung’s hip, bringing him closer to Jeongguk’s body. Taehyung’s arms are circling firmly his waist, tightening his grip more when Jeongguk’s bites his lower lip and takes it between his teeth, sucking and pulling at it. Taehyung smiles between the kisses and fuck, Jeongguk missed feeling his smile on his lips so much.

“I know we should, like,” Taehyung says, attaching his lips to his, kissing Jeongguk some more and who is Jeongguk to not return it? “Have a serious talk,” Taehyung keeps saying while Jeongguk kisses him, humming along his words and leaving Taehyung’s lips just to attach his to the blonde’s neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses on it. “And I know right now you — fuck —” Taehyung says once Jeongguk bites his neck and starts sucking on it. “You probably hate me,” 

“Do I?” Jeongguk asks, a chuckle leaving his mouth. “It seems clear to me that you read my texts. Don’t talk as if I’m the one to blame here,” Jeongguk says, looking at Taehyung. His gaze following the movement of Taehyung’s tongue licking his lips, then biting his lower lip. “But,” Jeongguk says, coming closer to him to nuzzle his nose on Taehyung’s cheek, his lips moving along Taehyung’s jaw. “Let’s pretend. Right?”

Taehyung nods and Jeongguk pretends it doesn’t fucking hurt. What is he doing? For real. Why does he have to put himself in this position? To feel alive? To pretend Taehyung is still his? To pretend he is not being the mistress in this story? Pretend that Taehyung never cheated on him and pretend he’s not the one who Taehyung is cheating with?

He fucking hates all of it but right now what Jeongguk really want is to feel like Taehyung is still his and like Taehyung’s still in love with him.

“Just this time, Taehyung-ah.” Jeongguk says, looking at him and nuzzling their noses together. “I’m gonna pretend just this time. I can’t give you more than that.”

“I’ll take whatever you give me. I just want you and I want to pretend I never fucking hurt you. I want to pretend that ten months haven’t passed and—” Taehyung takes a long breath and keeps Jeongguk closer to him. “I wanna pretend I never left.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Every fucking day.” Taehyung says and starts kissing Jeongguk again and Jeongguk pretends, just for tonight, to believe every word that comes out from his mouth. He knows he’s gonna regret it and it’s gonna hurt even more. But Jeongguk desperately wants him and he’ll blame himself later for giving himself hope, but right now all he can think about are Taehyung’s lips moving on his and Taehyung’s hands touching him like it’s the first time.

“Taehyung,” Jeongguk calls him when Taehyung starts sucking his neck, his hand’s roaming beneath his shirt, goosebumps erupting on his skin and he knows Taehyung can feel it as much as Jeongguk can feel him smiling on his neck.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to fuck me tonight,” Jeongguk says, looking at Taehyung when the older detaches himself from Jeongguk’s neck.

“But you’re gonna pretend you don’t know me and you’re going to fuck me for good. Nothing sweet.” Jeongguk says, shaking his hand. “I don’t want you to make love to me. I don’t. So you’re gonna fuck me like I’m asking you to, okay?”

Jeongguk feels Taehyung’s hands trembling but he nods nonetheless. “Let’s take a shower first,” Taehyung whispers and Jeongguk hums, feeling Taehyung’s hands on both of his sides from behind. When they get to their shared room, Jeongguk stops in front of the mirror. He’s checks a bit flushed and Taehyung looks at him from behind. “You’re so pretty,” 

Jeongguk decides to ignore that comment and stars unbuttoning his shirt and the moment it gets past his shoulders, Taehyung’s lips are on his skin and Jeongguk represses a moan the moment Taehyung stars giving open mouthed kisses and his tongue draws circles on his skin, sucking some spots along the way.

Taehyung turns Jeongguk towards him and pressed his body to Jeongguk’s, Taehyung’s hands near the zipper of Jeongguk’s pants and he keeps repressing his moan when Taehyung’s hand caresses his dick from the fabric and feels the length of it leaning upward on his stomach.

“Why are you playing so hard to get when I haven’t done anything yet and your dick is already twitching under my touch?” Taehyung asks, his teeth coming in contact with the skin of his neck, sucking one particular spot. Because Taehyung fucking knows him and all his sensitives spots. “Let hyung hear your beautiful noises, Bun.”

”Don’t you think you’re too eager to pretend things like these from me?” Jeongguk says, picks Taehyung up and puts him down on the dresser and undresses his upper body, spreading Taehyung’s leg a little just to be able to put himself between them. His hands find Taehyung’s waist and pulls, gently, Taehyung towards him. 

“I’m eager because I fucking want you,” Taehyung says, his arms circling Jeongguk’s neck.

Jeongguk chuckles, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of all of it, “Then why did you have to fucking leave?” Jeongguk asks, attaching his lips to Taehyung’s. He doesn’t want any of it to be sweet, not even their kisses. He wants it to hurt just as much as he’s hurting inside.

As Jeongguk is met with Taehyung’s silence, he pulls back and takes off his shirt and jeans, leaving them on the floor. “Are we showering together?”

Taehyung nods.

”Eager much, huh?” Jeongguk asks and sighs, taking a glance at Taehyung. “Bring the lube.”

Without taking a second glance at him, Jeongguk opens the bathroom door they have on their room and enters, looking at himself in the mirror.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He whispers to himself.

He knows that letting himself sleeping with Taehyung is going to destroy him, he knows it. He doesn’t know Taehyung’s part so he can’t really talk for him, but Jeongguk is going to give himself to Taehyung because he still fucking loves him and he doesn’t see himself with no other than Taehyung.

He knows that what he did with Jimin is wrong, especially because both of them used the other because of their vulnerability. He knows that kissing more than one time with your ex’s best friend isn’t the right thing to do, but he just tried to fill the hole Taehyung left on his heart. 

While Jeongguk is shampooing his hair, Taehyung’s lips stars dancing around his neck and he does his very best to keep reminding himself that they’re not the Jeongguk and Taehyung they used to be. That the one who’s touching him isn’t the one who Jeongguk still loves so much. He does his very best but it can’t be helped.

He pretend he doesn’t start crying when Taehyung spins him around and meets his lips, he’s going to blame the warm water falling upon them. Jeongguk knows, though, that Taehyung can feel his body trembling but he doesn’t care, he kisses him back and lets himself have his break down between Taehyung’s arms. And even if Taehyung notices, he doesn’t say anything. He’s very much on the same boat as Jeongguk. 

Their bodies trembling from the other’s touch, the one their accustomed to. But now, everything feels different. So different. Jeongguk doesn’t want it to, for real, he doesn’t. Having Taehyung kissing him like he used to hurts. A lot. 

Taehyung is the one who breaks the kiss, his forehead now in contact with Jeongguk’s, his hands caressing the small of his back and Jeongguk’s eyes trials on Taehyung’s neck. Being extra careful on that spot, he puts his lips into it and kisses slowly, bringing Taehyung impossibly closer to his body.

A low moan escapes Taehyung when Jeongguk’s lips comes in contact with his nipple, sucking at it for a while before starting to circle his tongue around it, starting sucking again and passing at the other after a while, repeating it all. 

Jeongguk feels Taehyung pressing his body on his, their erections now in contact. Jeongguk doesn’t miss the fear on his eyes, he know he is scared of what they’re doing and Jeongguk is, too. 

“We can stop if you’re not comfortable, hyung,” He whispers, his eyes trailing over Taehyung’s face, trying to find any sign of discomfort on his face, but he only sees how his eyes sparkle once he looks at Jeongguk. 

Jeongguk puts his lips on Taehyung’s jaw, leaving a trial of wet kisses along it. His nose stroking Taehyung’s cheek as he turns his head to look at him.

“When it comes to all of this,” Taehyung says turning his head, their noses touching and their lips grazing, hands trembling as he takes both their cocks and stars moving his hand up and down, and Jeongguk’s breath got caught, a loud moan coming out from his mouth and he curses himself, hoping their moms are deep in their sleep. “You’re the only one I’m comfortable with.”

Jeongguk tries not to think too much about it. He knows that something very horrible has happened to him. He knows Taehyung, he knows Taehyung’s body and he always noticed how much his body would tremble when it comes to sex. He figured there was — and still is — something wrong with the topic so Jeongguk always took his time with Taehyung, always listening to him and his requests. He never asked anything, though. He’s scared shitless of knowing the truth, not because he doesn’t want to know it, but because he knows he will blame himself.

Taehyung stars leaving open mouthed kisses on Jeongguk’s neck, licking the column of it and leaving the most delicate kiss on the mole on his neck. While he strokes their cocks and Jeongguk tries his best not to make any noise, Taehyung looks up at him and smirks. 

Taehyung gets on his knees in front of Jeongguk, taking his cock with his hand, keeps stroking at it for a few more seconds. Some moments later, Taehyung’s tongue is circling his cock’s head and keeps doing it for a while before taking the length of his cock in the mouth.

Jeongguk bites his lips, thinking it could help from keeping himself from the noises escaping his mouth but after Taehyung leaves his cock with a loud pop he lets Taehyung hear him, focusing on Taehyung and how good he’s making Jeongguk feel.

Taehyung makes eye contact with him and Jeongguk can’t do anything if not looking back, his hand gripping Taehyung’s hair and tugging at it the moment Taehyung takes him in his mouth again, his fingers tangles between Taehyung’s hair and Jeongguk caresses them.

When Jeongguk comes down Taehyung’s throat, his legs are shaking and suddenly Taehyung stands up, the back of his hand wiping off some cum on his lips and he just looks at Jeongguk, eyes shiny and he doesn’t fucking know how it is possible to have the urge to cry after a blowjob, but both of them seem in the verge of it.

“Come here,” Jeongguk whispers, his hand bringing Taehyung closer to him, the other hand cupping Taehyung’s jaw, his thumb caressing his cheek. Taehyung tries hard not to cry and Jeongguk notices it so he bumps his nose with Taehyung’s, stroking their noses together. Taehyung’s hand comes up on Jeongguk’s nape, playing with his hair. His free hand on Jeongguk’s heart. 

When Taehyung closes his eyes, Jeongguk lets his lips touch Taehyung’s, kissing him slowly, letting their lips dance together and find their own pace. Jeongguk brings Taehyung impossibly closer as they kiss and he doesn’t really know who’s the one who starts crying first but both of them do at some point.

Jeongguk knows that loving Taehyung shouldn’t hurt like this. he knows. So for the moment, he just keeps kissing Taehyung.

Why can’t they love each other under the sunlight? Why has everything changed? 

Why did Taehyung have to leave him behind?

Why?

So many questions. No answers. 

So, Jeongguk pretends all night. Just like Taehyung asked him to. Jeongguk pretends it doesn’t hurt when Taehyung’s on top of him, kissing his body and his lips like he used to. Jeongguk pretends it doesn’t hurt when Taehyung makes love to him even if Jeongguk had asked to be fucked for good. Jeongguk pretends he doesn’t cry and he doesn’t hear Taehyung whispering “I still do.” in his ear out of nowhere. Jeongguk pretends Taehyung doesn’t kiss his tears away. Jeongguk pretends to believe to what Taehyung had just whispered. He pretends that Taehyung still loves him like the very first day.

Jeongguk pretends, pretends, pretends.

But, at some point, he’s fucking sick of it. The moment he’s sure Taehyung is asleep, Jeongguk lets out all the pain he’s been holding since Taehyung left him almost one year ago. Jeongguk starts crying harder, his chest hurting from how much it breaks him to not call Taehyung his. For how much it hurts to have Taehyung with him but not in the same way he’s used to. 

So Jeongguk ends up crying himself to sleep that night and doesn’t realize, or maybe he doesn’t really want to acknowledge it, that he stops crying and trembling the moment Taehyung shifts closer to him and takes Jeongguk between his arms, whispering “We’ll be alright.” A kiss on his nape. “Someday.” Another kiss. “I promise you.”

Chapter Text

“As long as I’m with you,” Jeongguk whispers, his lips dancing on Taehyung’s skin, his hand coming up to trace the lines of Taehyung’s face. Jeongguk looks at him like Taehyung is someone worth the fight. Like Taehyung is worthy of Jeongguk’s love. Taehyung doesn’t think he is. No. Not even a bit. “Nothing bad will happen to you. Ever.” 

Jeongguk seals both the spoken and unspoken promises with a kiss and the very moment their lips touch, Taehyung starts crying. Jeongguk doesn’t say anything, he just keeps Taehyung closer to him, keeps kissing him, keeps healing a heart that wasn’t broken by Jeongguk.

Taehyung kisses Jeongguk back, hoping that Jeongguk can feel how badly in love with him Taehyung is. Taehyung hopes it is enough to let Jeongguk know how his heart screams for him still.

But of course it isn’t. Enough. And it is Taehyung’s fault. All his fault.

Taehyung has promised himself that he would never cheat on Jeongguk again. Not after seeing how bad Jeongguk was hurting the first time he cheated on him.

Taehyung thinks he will never forget how Jeongguk’s eyes became like his own the moment he knew.

Tired. Lifeless. Empty. 

But. Is it considered as cheating when the sex isn’t consensual but you have to do it anyway otherwise your loved ones are going to suffer ‘cause you didn’t do what you were told to? 

Taehyung has never liked sex. It makes him feel uncomfortable. Grown ass men in their fourties', with a wife and children waiting for them to come home, touching a fourteen year old boy’s body to satisfy their sick needs to have sex with a fucking child. Or some of them to satisfy their inner self who were never brave to let them see the light. Still.

Disgusting.

That’s what Taehyung is. How he feels.

What hurts the most is the fact that his fucking father lured him into it, telling him one day that they would go out to buy ice cream.

An ice cream that his father never bought him, though.

All of this keeps going since Taehyung was 14. He’s going to be 26 soon. And never in his life Taehyung has wished to die more than when his father kept telling him “Let’s go buy ice-cream, Taehyung-ah” every fucking day and let men he didn’t even know take advantage of him.

Just for money.

Now Dohyung just calls him. One call and Taehyung knows what he has to do. And he hates it. He’s disgusted by himself.

That’s why Taehyung, before getting together with Jeongguk, kept telling his friends he liked to sleep around a lot. Not because he actually did back then, but sometimes they’d find some mark on him and he couldn’t really tell what was happening every time he was in Daegu.

The first time Taehyung has cheated was before he and Jeongguk got together. When they were just a thing, kind of. With Jaehyun. And he knows it actually isn’t cheating since they weren’t together. But Taehyung started it all, slept with Jaehyun and fucking blamed Jeongguk the next day. Just because he was texting Mingyu. Maybe Taehyung should’ve let Mingyu have his way with Jeongguk. Maybe Jeongguk would be happier with him, wouldn’t he?

The second time was when Taehyung had to return to Daegu and Yoongi went with him. His Dad needed money and he decided that the fastest way to make them was selling his son’s body to grown ass men. 

Basically, all the other times Taehyung cheated on Jeongguk was all his father’s fault. 

Taehyung never kept it as a secret. He couldn’t stand the feeling of being dirty and coming home to Jeongguk, acting like nothing happened. He died a little more each time he told Jeongguk that he had cheated on him, crying and begging for forgiveness.

He will never forgive himself for how he made Jeongguk’s eyes go from being always so bright, full of stars to being like the darkest night he’d ever seen. He never wants to see Jeongguk’s eyes like that again. Never. He hates himself for giving Jeongguk pain when everything he wanted to give him was peace. Love. Happiness.

All the things Jeongguk gave to him.

Jeongguk has asked him to break up after the third time Taehyung’s cheated on him since they got together. It had only been a little more over a year. 

Taehyung broke down the moment Jeongguk told him, “Let’s break up. I can’t do this anymore.” and not because Jeongguk had literally asked to be set free, to not being held hostage anymore from the cage that was Taehyung’s heart.

But because of his lifeless, empty eyes that were looking at Taehyung like he was still worth everything Jeongguk gave up for him, like Taehyung is worthy of the love Jeongguk is giving him.

But Jeongguk didn’t gave up on him. They spent some days apart, not really breaking up. And they managed to make it work, with ups and downs. They managed to make their relationship work. For almost four years.

Their fourth anniversary, though, didn’t see the light. Before their fourth anniversary, Taehyung broke Jeongguk’s heart all over again and he wasn’t able to look at him after he did.

The night before he left, his mother texted him. And his world fell apart, once again.

Mom:
I’m sorry. Mom’s so sorry. I never understood what happened or why you hated Dohyung so much. I do now. I do, baby. And I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you while you did all of it to protect me and your siblings. I can’t heal your heart or your wounds but I’ll never let him near you again. I promise you, baby. He’ll never touch you again. I’m gonna divorce him but I need your help, Taehyung. We need to go away from Daegu. South Korea, even. I know I’m breaking your heart right now because you have Jeongguk here and your friends but we need to go away. Dohyung tried to beat me up. Hwan took from you and tried to protect me. Hwan’s doing okay but I don’t want him near you, Hwan or Danbi. I don’t like the way he looks at her and I don’t want her to go through what you’ve gone through. I couldn’t protect you and I hate myself for it. Your friend Jaehyun is kinda.. blackmailing me with something that has something to do with you and he kinda knows everything, not sure how or why but I can’t let him ruin you. We have to go Taehyung. I’m sorry. Our plane leaves tomorrow at 6pm. Let’s get away and live the life we deserve, please. I have to tell you something but I’ll do once we leave. I’m sorry, I really am. But I’m doing this for us, for you.
I love you.

It fucking hurt. That his Mom found out whatever it is that Dohyung is doing to him, that they have to go away from here otherwise his sibling will know what means to be miserable. And he doesn’t want that. He can’t let Hwan and Danbi know what suffering means, they’re still too young and have a whole life ahead of them. They deserve the happiness Taehyung wasn’t given.

What hurts the most is the fact that he can’t talk to Jeongguk. Taehyung doesn’t want to look at his eyes while telling him the truth. He can’t. 

He doesn’t want Jeongguk to pity him. He doesn’t want Jeongguk to see the rotten part of his heart, of his life. He can’t. Doesn’t want to. 

The morning of the day he has to leave, he wakes up thanks to Jeongguk who is kissing every part of him. His face, his neck, his shoulders, his collarbones, his heart. Jeongguk has this habit of leaving kisses on Taehyung’s heart and the very first time he did, he told him “I’ll kiss it every day just to make sure it still beats like crazy for me. To make sure it doesn’t want to give up anymore. To make sure I’m still the one who makes it want to still beat.” 

And Taehyung melts every time Jeongguk does it. Because he remembers. Remember all the times Jeongguk healed his heart without even knowing, all the times he let Taehyung sleep in his bed when they were children. Every time Jeongguk helped Taehyung to want to live a little more each passing day.

Sex was always uncomfortable for Taehyung but Jeongguk gave him the opportunity to appreciate it and Jeongguk is always so careful with him that not even once Taehyung did regret having sex with him.

The morning of the day he has to leave, Taehyung has his last time with Jeongguk. And he just thinks how lucky he is to have him as his boyfriend. Taehyung looks at him and that’s all it takes for sadness to sink in while Jeongguk is making love to him. Tears streaming down his face in the middle of it.

Taehyung isn’t sure if he deserves Jeongguk’s worried eyes when he’s going to break his heart soon enough.

“Darling?” Jeongguk calls, caressing his cheek and wiping his tears, leaving a kiss on the trail left behind by his tears. He smiles at him, stops moving and gives all his attention to him, lowering down to leave a kiss on his forehead.

“Thanks for giving life back to me, baby.” Taehyung says, taking advantage of the fact that Jeongguk is lowering down. Taehyung kisses Jeongguk’s lips because it is, indeed, one of the last times he can do so.

“I’m so happy. They’re happy tears.” 

What a fucking lie. Taehyung can literally feel and hear his heart breaking when he smiles at Jeongguk and assures him he is doing fine, that he is happy. Jeongguk smiles at him, whispering I love you upon his lips and Taehyung feels his legs shaking, he puts his forehead on Jeongguk’s and looks at his lover’s eyes.

”You’re the greatest love I ever had.” Taehyung says, smiling at Jeongguk.

Once they’re done, Taehyung looks at Jeongguk. Trying to assimilate even the smallest detail of him. He wants to remember how Jeongguk was and still is his solace every time Taehyung needs it, even if Jeongguk doesn’t know he is that for Taehyung. He wants to remember how nineteen year old Jeongguk gave himself to him, knowing damn well Taehyung didn’t know a fucking thing about love or how to love someone. How through the years Jeongguk taught him how to love others, him, and, trough’s Jeongguk’s love, he was able to find some love for himself. For a bit.

Jeongguk turns to look at him, caressing his cheek and Taehyung leans on his touch, smiling with tears in his eyes.

“I love you so much, Jeongguk. Don’t ever forget that, mh?” Taehyung says, coming closer to Jeongguk and letting their lips touch, kissing him slowly, carefully.

Taehyung wishes he could stop this moment and live forever in it.

They cuddle on their bed till Jeongguk has to leave to do something and he seems so excited. He just hopes he can see his lover for the last time before leaving. Know what the excitement in his eyes are about. He hopes he’s able to.

“Can you kiss me some more first?” Taehyung asks, pouty lips and puppy eyes glaring at Jeongguk and the younger smiles, hovering over Taehyung to kiss him some more. They spent quite some time kissing each other, every time Jeongguk whispers “I have to go” Taehyung shakes his head and keeps kissing Jeongguk.

Taehyung is so scared of living a life where he won’t have all this. Where he won’t have Jeongguk by his side. 

“When I get home,” Jeongguk says, kissing him one more time. “I’m all yours.” Jeongguk says and Taehyung nods, smiling. Jeongguk smiles back and gives Taehyung one last kiss before leaving their room. 

Taehyung looks at the clock on his bedside table. They kissed for the last time on September 9th, 1:09PM. 

Once Jeongguk leaves, he finishes packing up and goes downstairs, taking some beers and returning to their room. He drinks while crying and he really feels like his heart is going to give in any moment but he promised Jeongguk he would keep going even if the worst happened.

But Taehyung isn’t sure his heart is able to live without the only reason it hasn’t given up a long time ago.

He sighs and goes to the bathroom, taking a long shower before coming out and drinking some more. He feels a bit dizzy, disoriented and doesn’t understand why. Maybe because he has been drinking since Jeongguk left.

His phone vibrates somewhere in his room, he searches it until he finds it and reads the message he received.

yoongi hyung:
can u come to my room? need to talk to u 

He isn’t really drunk, just a little tipsy when he goes to Yoongi’s room and tells him that he is ready to go. He is going to leave at 4pm and he really hopes to see Jeongguk for the last time.

Taehyung’s vision is blurry and he doesn’t really see Yoongi, doesn’t understand why his voice is not the one he is accustomed to. But his head hurts and he doesn’t want to keep thinking to try and make out what doesn’t make sense at all. 

“Drink with hyung,” Yoongi says and Taehyung nods, sitting next to him and taking the can Yoongi passes him. They spent something like twenty minutes in complete silence, until Yoongi speaks.

“Tell hyung what did you see in Jeongguk that hyung doesn’t have, Taehyungie.”

His brows furrows, he doesn’t get why Yoongi’s talking to him like that. He tries to focus on his face but he literally can’t, it’s so hard to and he just gives up at some point. 

“What?” Taehyung almost chokes on the sip of beer he takes. “Are you drunk?” He chuckles, because for some reason he finds it funny that Yoongi is talking like that when everyone knows how much he cares about Jeongguk.

“You know I’m better than him, you fucking know it, Taehyung.” Yoongi chuckles, looking at him. He takes a sip before speaking again. “And I already know your story. I can love you better than him and I can help you heal.”

What the fuck? 

“Shut up. You don’t mean anything you’re saying.”

“I mean it, Taehyung. I can give you more than he’ll ever give you. Money wise, too. He can’t give you shit.”

“Fuck you,” Taehyung says, standing up. “I don’t give a fuck about what you think about our relationship but don’t talk shit about him. I’m happy with him and that’s all that should matter to you.”

Yoongi chuckles and Taehyung tries to focus once more on his face but really, his vision is so blurry he doesn’t even know why. He drank a lot, but he’s not a lightweight and he didn’t take any drugs, so why is he so confused? Why can’t Taehyung make out his face? 

His silhouette looks a bit different to the one he’s accustomed to tho, and if it’s not recent, he knows for sure Yoongi doesn’t have any tattoos on his hands. But doesn’t matter the amount of times he tries, he isn’t able to see his face clearly.

Yoongi stands up, coming closer to the door and when Taehyung hears him locking it, his heart starts to beat faster.

“Let hyung show you how much better than Jeongguk he is.” 

And once the words leave Yoongi’s mouth, Taehyung is scared. He has never seen Yoongi like this. There’s something strange and he doesn’t understand what it is, his vision is becoming blurrier each second that passes by and something tells him it’s not happening what he thinks, because Yoongi would never.

When Yoongi’s hands grips his waist and his lips touches Taehyung’s, he can’t do anything. He is physically weak and he has learned since the age of fourteen that when people wants to have sex with him he has to obey, even if he doesn’t want to. It fucking hurts that Yoongi knows all of it but nevertheless he’s taking advantage of his vulnerability.

One of Yoongi’s hand wraps around his mouth and Taehyung can’t scream even if he wants to, because he’s not strong enough to fight back. He closes his eyes and hopes it comes to an end sooner.

He doesn’t know if it really ends faster than he expects but suddenly, he doesn’t have a weight on him anymore. He doesn’t understand anything that’s happening, maybe it is just a dream a nothing really happened.

That’s how Taehyung fucking cheats on Jeongguk with Yoongi. Or, well. That’s what happened in Taehyung’s head. He’s sleepy, his head hurts, nothing makes sense. Taehyung regrets a lot of things but this one, fuck, is first on his list.

After storming out Yoongi’s room, he goes upstairs as soon as he gets in the bathroom, he showers himself, again, at least three times to try and erase what had just happened. Taehyung can’t face Jeongguk. He fucking can’t.

He doesn’t think he’s able to look at Jeongguk after what he has done.

So after putting on some clothes, Taehyung closes his suitcases and goes downstairs. He hopes no one heard what he and Yoongi did but when his eyes stops wondering and lands on Jimin, he fucking knows that he is the one who heard them. 

“Jimin..”

“Don’t say anything. It’s okay. It’s not like he’s my boyfriend.”

“Let me explain, Jimin..” Taehyung says, coming closer to Jimin and sitting next to him, turning his whole body towards him and taking his hands.

“Please.” He tightens the grip on Jimin’s hands, his own shaking. “I need you to listen to me, I don’t want to go knowing you’re gonna hate me.” 

“Okay,” Jimin nods, agreeing. “I’ll listen to you.”

And that’s how Taehyung ends up telling him the whole truth. Jimin only knows his story partially, Taehyung just told him that sometimes his father beat him up for not bringing home good grades or when the situation was worse than it seemed and Taehyung had to protect his pregnant mother.

He tells Jimin, again, about the beating, about all the times his father let grown ass men touch his body when he was a fucking child and even now.

“So when you cheated on Jeongguk.. was because of him?” Jimin asks after he hears the story and Taehyung nods, wiping his tears. 

“That’s not cheating, Taehyung.” Jimin says firmly, shaking his head as he looks at him. And Jimin is looking at him with so much love that it makes Taehyung hate himself a little more for what happened with Yoongi. “You have to tell him the truth.”

“I know. But I can’t.” Taehyung whispers. “I prefer him thinking I actually cheated on him than him knowing how fucked up I truly am.”

Jimin caresses his hands and Taehyung keeps talking. About how more than one time his father tried to kill his mother, how he got between the two of them and how the scar he has on his lower abdomen is because of that. How Taehyung grew up seeing violence as something that came with love.

“I did a really bad thing once. To Jeongguk.”

“What did you do?” 

“We were discussing. I kept telling him that he wasn’t good enough for me and that I could find someone better than him that could love me better than he could if I ever wanted. He told me to fuck off and I got so mad at him that I brought Yeongcheol into the conversation.” Taehyung takes a long breath before keeping talking. “I already knew his mother is his blood but Jungsik isn’t, right?” Jimin nods. “I told him, and I quote, “You’re so pathetic that even your Dad doesn’t want anything to do with you.” He got so sad, Jimin. His beautiful eyes were brimming with tears, but that didn’t stop me. No.” Taehyung shakes his head and he doesn’t really care if he is crying or if his voice is coming out strangled. “I fucking punched him when he told me that neither my real parents or adoptive ones could stand me. I lost it, then. I punched Jeongguk. Multiple times. I beat him up. I fucking made him bleed, Jimin. I was so fucking scared of myself.”

Taehyung sees Jimin’s eyes widen but he doesn’t leave Taehyung’s hands. No. He keeps Taehyung’s hands in his, caressing them. He’s trying to calm him down because Taehyung is trembling.

“When did that happen?” Jimin asks, looking at Taehyung. 

“Three months ago.”

“Fuck.” Jimin curses, looking at him. “I’m not gonna justify what you did because that’s so fucked up and it’s wrong, Taehyung. If someone in the neighborhood heard you two fight they could have called the cops on you for domestic violence. It could’ve ended way worse and you know it, right?” Jimin says and Taehyung nods. He starts biting on his lips and doesn’t stop until he tastes blood. He keeps silent because what the fuck can he say? He’s so fucked up.

”And you beat yourself up for it, didn’t you? You could’ve come to me sooner, Tae.”

“I couldn’t. I ignored every one when it happened.” Taehyung says and starts crying in Jimin’s arms the moment Jimin brings him into a hug.

“I ignored him for two months. Want to know what fucking ruined me for good?” Taehyung scoffs. “That he felt like all of it was his fault and he fucking apologized to me. He said he was sorry for what he told me and that he deserved it. I made him believe that what happened was right when I fucking wanted to die for what I did to him.” Taehyung sniffs, wiping his tears.

“The last time I apologized to him was yesterday. Or even this morning. I can’t forgive myself. And I don’t deserve Jeongguk. I never did.”

“Of course you deserve him, Tae. Jeongguk loves you for what you are, not for what you did. He doesn’t care about your past, he doesn’t ask you about it because he lived in your present for the past four years as your boyfriend and got to spent all this time with you since we were fucking kids. And you remember how we welcomed him into our arms, don’t you? I’ve never seen him more happier than when he’s with you.” Jimin says, caressing his hair and leaving a kiss on his forehead.

“Jimin, I fucking beat him up. I did what I promised myself to never do.” He says, his breathing heaving. “That I would never do what my Father does to my Mom to my lover. And I fucking did.”

“What you did it’s fucked up and I’d advice you to see someone. It could really help and you and I want you to believe me when I say you’re not like him, baby. I promise you.” Jimin says, caressing his head and keeping Taehyung between his arms. After some time spent in silence, Jimin speaks again.

“I understand why you slept with Yoongi but I can’t really bring myself to just.. forgive you right now. But you have to tell Jeongguk,” Jimin says, wiping Taehyung’s tears while he whispers I can’t and when Jimin’s eyes lands on Taehyung’s suitcases, his eyes went wide.

“Wait. You said- You said you don’t want me to hate you before going? Are you leaving?”

Taehyung nods. “My Mom found out and she wants all of us to leave. I can’t turn my back to her right now, so yeah. Please, don’t tell Jeongguk about me and Yoongi. I broke his heart so many times. If he asks you anything tell him that I don’t want to see him neither I want him to contact me, please. It’ll be easier.” 

“Tae.. You know him. You know he’s never going to judge you. Talk to him.”

“Please.” Taehyung begs, eyes brimming with tears and Jimin nods. 

“I have to leave before he gets home. I can’t see him.” Taehyung says and thankfully all of them, expect Jeongguk, are there for him.

He looks at his hyungs and Jimin, sitting on the couch before him and the tears can’t be stopped. He is going to miss them so much. 

“Taehyung.” Yoongi speaks first. He can’t bring himself to look at his hyung. “What happened? I can help you and you know it.”

“I don’t need your help.” Taehyung says, his gaze on his socked feet. “I gathered all of you here to tell you that I’m leaving. I don’t think I’ll ever come back. And if I do it’s not gonna be for long. My family needs me and I can’t turn my back to them.” Taehyung says, gazing up and looking at them with so much admiration. His heart is hurting and thinking about Jeongguk fucking kills him.

“Taehyung-ah..” Seokjin calls, Taehyung turns his head to him and smiles. “You know hyung loves you, right? All of us are here for you, you know that too, right?” Seokjin says and Taehyung nods. “But wait for Jeongguk. He called and he’s so happy to show you something. Please.”

Taehyung is going to miss Seokjin so much. He never asks anything but Seokjin always hugs him or wipes his tears when no one is around and Taehyung breaks down. Sometimes Seokjin treats him like a child and sometimes Taehyung wishes he had a father who would treat him like Seokjin does.

Taehyung looks at Namjoon and he is going to miss him, too. They always talk a lot and Namjoon is always the one who puts Taehyung on the right path, giving him advances and never judging him. They always have a drink when everything gets too much to handle. 

Then he looks at Hoseok, who is trying his very best not to cry in front of Taehyung. Hoseok has always been like that. He never shows his weak side to Taehyung because he feels he has to be there for him whenever Taehyung needs him. Taehyung is gonna miss Hoseok’s clinginess so much. Taehyung never shows it but he fucking adores Hoseok and the way he treats him. Like Taehyung is the little brother he never had and he’s so thankful for all the times Hoseok was there for him.

Then Taehyung takes a glance at Yoongi and tries to erase what happened between them and what he said about Jeongguk and their relationship. If he has to say the truth, he feels anger when he looks at Yoongi now, but he is going to miss him, too. Yoongi will always be the big brother he never had and wishes he had.

And lastly, Taehyung looks at Jimin and feels his eyes brimming with tears. He is so sorry that he betrayed his best friend. Jimin is the very first friend he got for himself and he hates the fact that he couldn’t be present for him as much as Jimin was and still is for him. He hates seeing his best friend having a hard time looking at him and Taehyung hates himself a little more when he tries to reach for Jimin but he’s being ignored. It is all his fault and one day, Taehyung is going to make it up to him. Hoping Jimin can forgive him when the time comes.

“I can’t, hyung. I have to go.” Taehyung says as his hands finds the trolley of his suitcase, smiling at them. “Thank you for giving me a home and a family when I had nothing. I never took anything or any of you for granted and I hope you all know how much I love each and every one of you.” 

He wipes his tears and that’s the moment he sees Hoseok standing up and taking him in his arms, all of them coming along and Taehyung feels so fucking loved.

But someone is missing and Taehyung doesn’t feel complete without him. Not at all.

Taehyung laughs between tears and tells them he can’t breath but thy keep him between their arms a bit more. The moment Taehyung hears the front door open, he curses himself. He doesn’t turn his head. He can’t look at Jeongguk.

“Are you sure, Taehyung?” Yoongi asks, his gaze is empty, his eyes dark. Taehyung nods, trying to smile but his eyes are brimming with tears as he feels Jeongguk’s eyes on him.

“What’s going on?” Jeongguk asks, their hyungs looking at Jeongguk but he can’t bring himself to do so. He knows he asked them to lie to Jeongguk and he is so sorry. He feels his fucking heart breaking the moment he hears Jeongguk’s voice.

“It’s time for me to go.” Taehyung announces and Seokjin, Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok and Jimin nods along his words. All of them with shiny eyes. Taehyung is breaking apart the family they brought to life together and he knows it. Nothing will ever be the same after what he and Yoongi have done. After Taehyung leaving. 

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?” Jeongguk whispers and hearing him this vulnerable breaks Taehyung all over again.

Taehyung hugs all of them except Jeongguk and he knows Jeongguk can see him crying but he doesn’t care. He has to go.

He can literally hear Jeongguk’s heart breaking into pieces the moment he doesn’t go to him to hug him, too.

“What the fuck is going on?!” Jeongguk is almost screaming, his voice trembling and he smiles at Seokjin as a thank you the moment he sees him going to Jeongguk and taking him in his arms.

“Taehyung?”

Taehyung stills the moment he hears Jeongguk’s voice. So tiny, strangled, vulnerable. He doesn’t turn towards him, he can’t. He keeps saying his goodbyes to his friends and feels the need to get away immediately but Hoseok isn’t really helping him since he’s clinging to him.

His back facing Jeongguk.

“Are you leaving me?” Jeongguk asks, Jeongguk’s fingers around his wrist, keeping them in place. “Are you leaving me, hyung?”

I would never, my love.

But Taehyung stays silent.

“Taehyung,” Jeongguk whispers. “Talk to me, please.”

I’m sorry, baby.

But Taehyung stays silent.

“Are you abandoning me, hyung? Just like my Dad?” 

I would never abandon you like he did.

But Taehyung stays silent and he knows Jeongguk can feel his hand trembling. His fingers are stroking his wrist. 

Taehyung wants do die a little more.

“Darling.”

I love you so much, Jeongguk. I’ll make it up to you someday and I’ll let us have our happy ending.

But Taehyung stays silent, again. 

Jeongguk seems to give up and Taehyung wants to scream at him and tell him to never stop fighting for them, to not give up on him. But why would Jeongguk when Taehyung is the one giving up on him?

“Why?”

Taehyung knows Jeongguk is crying by now but he can’t turn around and give up on his family. He has to be there for them.

Taehyung brings his trembling hand up, taking Jeongguk’s wrist and without looking at him, he moves Jeongguk’s hand away from his skin.

Taehyung’s fingers linger for a bit on his wrist before letting it go. For good.

He takes his suitcase and without turning around, Taehyung opens the front door and leave his house and his family behind, closing the door behind his back.

Once the door closes, Taehyung finds himself on the ground, crying his eyes out. His heart and chest hurting way too much. Taehyung brings a hand on his heart, hoping that Jeongguk will forgive him one day. Hoping that even if Jeongguk would move on, he wouldn’t forget about what he and Taehyung had.

Even if Taehyung hurt him more than once. Even if Taehyung was the one to teach him what suffering because of love is. Even if Taehyung hurt him physically. He hopes he can forgive him for everything else, but he wishes Jeongguk never forget what he did that day. He wishes he never forgives Taehyung for what he did. Because Taehyung is to blame and that’s alright. He fucked up and made Jeongguk think that the fault was his when it’s been Taehyung’s all along.

And the person that Taehyung will miss more than anyone else is going to be Jeongguk. He’s gonna miss him so much. His eyes on him, his lips on his, his hands on his, his arms around him, their bodies closer to one another. He’s gonna miss Jeongguk’s smiles, being waken up by his kisses. He’s gonna miss having Jeongguk between his arms on his bad days, he’s gonna miss watching him sleeping, he’s gonna miss looking at Jeongguk. Just watching him. Taehyung’s gonna miss how is heart beats even more for Jeongguk every time he laughs or just curses because he lost in a game. Or when he cheers because he beat someone’s ass. He’s gonna miss Jeongguk searching for his hand while sleeping, he’s gonna miss Jeongguk spooning him and him spooning Jeongguk. He’s gonna miss wiping Jeongguk’s tears and kissing him to sleep. He’s gonna miss taking care of him and being taken care of. He’s gonna miss loving him and now he has to learn how to love him from afar, even if he’s going to tell him the contrary. Taehyung is gonna miss how being loved by Jeongguk feels like, he’s gonna miss how safe Taehyung feels between his arms. Taehyung’s gonna miss Jeongguk making love to him. Taehyung’s gonna miss making love to Jeongguk. Fuck. He’s gonna miss all of it.

Taehyung hopes the love he left behind would be enough for Jeongguk to keep going.

—

After helping out his mother with all the baggage, Taehyung sits down on the couch with Danbi on his lap. She’s playing with the necklace Jeongguk gifted to him on their last anniversary and it pretty much never leaves his neck. Especially right now.

“Why aren’t you happy, oppa?” Danbi asks, her little hands still on his necklace and he can’t help but notice how fucking similar they are. She has the same moles Taehyung has on his right eye, on his lips and on the tip of his nose.

How is that possible if Taehyung has been adopted?

“What are you talking about?” He asks, trying to give her the most genuine smile, caressing the back of her head. She shrugs, her little fingers still playing with his necklace. 

“You’re sad.” Danbi says, getting closer to Taehyung and placing her head on his chest, her small hand still up to his necklace, playing with the TJ pendants hanging from it. “You have sad eyes, oppa.” 

Taehyung sighs and hugs Danbi, his chin on her head, Danbi snuggling onto his chest as soon as he brings her closer. Taehyung keeps her in his arms for quite some time, regretting all the time he spent far away from her and Hwan.

He’s caressing her long hair when she speaks again. “Is Jeongguk-oppa happy?” 

Taehyung shakes his head. “No. Probably not.” 

“Did you make him sad?” Danbi wonders, her lips sticking out in a pout.

Taehyung heart fucking sinks. He hums, nodding. His eyes prickling. “I did. I made him so sad, Danbi.” He says, leaving a kiss on her forehead.

“I’m such a bad person, aren’t I?”

Danbi shakes her little head and looks up to Taehyung, her little hands coming up to cup Taehyung’s face. “No, oppa,” She says, shaking her little head with vigor and he smiles. She’s so cute. “You saved us,” She says, determinant to make Taehyung understand it. “You’re not a bad person. Dad is.”

And Taehyung wonders which one is she talking about. As if it’s on clue, their mother emerges from the kitchen and calls Danbi, telling her to go and eat the snack she prepared for her and Hwan. Danbi gives Taehyung a small kiss on his cheek and jumps from Taehyung’s lap, running towards the kitchen.

“So?” Taehyung asks. He’s nervous. He doesn’t really know what to expect from Hana.

“First,” Hana says, taking his hands on her’s and caresses them. “Thank you for helping us out. I know it wasn’t easy for you love, but you too know it’s for the best.” Hana says, looking at him and he gives her a small smile, nodding. 

Of course it’s for the best. For them to not be in danger. Taehyung is glad Danbi and Hwan will never know what it means to be miserable, to want to die, to wish you never were born. But how can it be the best for his heart? Just when he had found a home for him to return to every time. His safe place. Now he doesn’t have any of it. Not anymore. 

“As long as you three are safe.” Taehyung says and his mother leaves a kiss on his right hand. Taehyung tries to hide the fact that they’re trembling.

“What I’m going to tell you,” Hana starts, then gulps. She’s nervous, he can tell. “Isn’t easy. You could end up hating me and I won’t blame you.”

“Come on, Mom. I could never hate you.”

“Oh, trust me. You could.”

“Tell me.” He says, caressing her hands just to calm her down a little.

“I lied to you.” Hana says, her gaze interlocking with Taehyung’s as she says it. “Yes. I adopted you. Not because I couldn’t conceive.” 

Taehyung brows furrows, biting down on his lips. He hums, waiting for Hana to keep talking.

“Fuck it, I’m just gonna say it as it is.” Hana says and Taehyung chuckles as he listens to his mother cursing.

“Yeah, fuck it. Just tell me.”

“Everything started the summer of 1994. I was 20 years old when I met a guy, a little older than me. He was 25 at that time. We met through a mutual friend and since the beginning we sort of had a thing for each other.” She says, smiling like she has never done before. 

Taehyung hums, smiling as she keeps talking and he just listens to her.

“We started meeting each other even without our mutual friends and the more I met with him, the more I fell in love. And I guess it was mutual. I never met someone who made me feel alive as much as him. I was already with Dohyung and he’s always been like this, you know? So I found my escape in him.” Hana says, her hands still trembling so Taehyung starts caressing them again.

“So we started seeing each other behind Dohyung’s back. But,” Hana stops, chuckling. She puts a strand of hair behind her ear and keeps taking, looking at Taehyung. “I didn’t know he had a fucking wife, Taehyung. I swear to you, I didn’t know. He told me on September 1995 that in four months he would become a Dad, that we should stop seeing each other.” Hana says and Taehyung is trying to connect the dots but he doesn’t really understand what she’s talking about.

“We kept seeing each other nevertheless. But one day, his wife walked in on us and when I saw her pregnant belly I was so disgusted with myself. I was being someone’s mistress, for fuck’s sake.” Hana says, sighing. 

“How did it end?”

“Taehyung,” Hana hold his hand, tightening his grip. Did Hana had anything to do with the fact that he was abandoned by his real blood? Is that what Hana is trying to tell him?

“I was your real father’s mistress. He cheated on your mother with me while she was carrying you in her womb.” 

Taehyung doesn’t know why what Hana’s saying doesn’t hurt as much as it should, maybe he’s just numb from all the pain he felt all his life. He doesn’t understand it, but at the end of the day, Hana is the one who took care of Taehyung all this time, the one who took responsibility of a child who wasn’t hers, isn’t she?

“What happened after she saw you two?” Taehyung asks, his gaze lowering to their hands and he smiles looking at how Hana is the same as she was when Taehyung was a child. He always wanted someone to reach out their hands for him to take and she was always the one to do so. Taehyung doesn’t care if she’s not his real mom, Hana will always be that to him. His real one. Blood or not blood related. Hana is his mom.

“Aren’t you mad?” 

Taehyung shakes his head. “Keep telling me your story. I want to know how I got so lucky to have you as my mom.” 

“Oh, baby,” Hana says, standing up and walking towards Taehyung, lowering herself to hug him and Taehyung smiles. Once she sits next to Taehyung, he puts his head on her chest and Hana starts stroking his hair. “I love you.” She says.

“Me too, Mom.” 

Hana leaves a kiss on his forehead and then keeps talking, telling him how his mother was furious the moment she saw Hana with his father, how his mother decided to keep the pregnancy going but once he was out of her womb his father should have been the one providing for him, leaving them after a week Taehyung was born. How his father didn’t have a lot of money and how he had asked Hana to keep Taehyung and wait for him to return, that he was going to find a job and make some money before they could live their life comfortably. Together. The three of them.

Taehyung wonders. How would have it been. To have a caring and loving father. To have someone he could rely on. To have someone to talk about the pretty boys and girls he watched when he started to understand he liked both, to talk about Jeongguk with him. Maybe everything would be different now. Maybe Taehyung would be with Jeongguk right now. 

Maybe.

“Sanghun,” Hana starts, still caressing his hair. “Is your real father’s name. He’s ashamed of his behavior and for leaving you behind. But he talks about you a lot.” 

Taehyung hums, nodding. “Do you still talk to each other?”

Hana nods. “We do. Sanghun is Hwan and Danbi’s father.” 

So Taehyung was right, after all.

“So I’m guessing he’s going to live here with the three of you?” Taehyung asks, closing his eyes while his mom keeps stroking his hair.

Hana hums. “Yeah. He doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes he made and wants to be here to watch Hwan and Danbi grow up. With him present.” Hana says, leaving a kiss between his hair. “And for you, too. Although he knows he’s a little too late to do his job as your Dad.” 

Taehyung hums. He’s happy for Hwan and Danbi. They’re going to have a loving and caring father who they can talk to. About everything.

The unlucky one has always been Taehyung. He’s accustomed to it.

“But he wants you to know that he’s gonna be here whenever you’re ready to meet him.” Hana says, hugging Taehyung and he actually thinks that yes, he wants to meet Sanghun but what if he’s like Dohyung?

What if even Sanghun sees him as an opportunity to make money, too? What if Sanghun is as bad as Dohyung is?

What if Taehyung is so fucked up his real father can’t even stand he’s presence? What if Taehyung is unlovable? What if Sanghun is disgusted by Taehyung? What if once he knows him, Sanghun regrets it and leaves Taehyung again?

“I’ll think about it.” Taehyung eventually says and Hana smiles, nodding.

“You’re really not mad at me?”

“No, Mom. I’m not mad and I’ll never hate you. You’re the mother figure I had growing up and I couldn’t ask for anyone better than you.” Taehyung says, snuggling his head on her chest and circling her waist with his arm. “I’m glad you decided to take someone’s other child as your own. I’m glad to be your son.”

Hana sniffles and hugs Taehyung back, nodding. “Thank you, baby. Mom loves you a lot.”

“So do I.”

Hana smiles and kisses Taehyung’s forehead again, playing with the locks of Taehyung’s hair. After some time spent in silence, she talks again.

“I’m sorry for separating you and Jeongguk. I know how much you love him and I shouldn’t have, but I don’t want you to suffer anymore.”

Taehyung opens his eyes and shakes his head. “I hurt him really bad, Mom.” Taehyung says and shrugs, sighing. “Maybe it’s for the best.” 

“I know for sure that whatever happened between the two of you will never change how much he loves you. I’ve never seen someone love as much as he does.” 

“I wish I could love him the same way,” A pause. “I wish he could love himself just as hard.”

—

It’s 3AM in the morning when Taehyung feels his phone vibrating and curses himself, hoping that Jaehyun didn't hear it.

Taehyung is fucking scared. He has been scared a lot of times in his life, but being with Jaehyun feels like a fucking nightmare. 

Taehyung doesn’t know how, but Jaehyun found out about his past, Dohyung, some of their family’s secrets. Or, well. His stepfather’s secrets.

Jaehyun doesn’t seem to care, though, that his own father was one of the many grown ass men that touched Taehyung inappropriately more than one time.

Like father like son, isn’t how the say goes?

Jaehyun was the one who fucking got on tape the times he and his friends had their fun with him. And Taehyung isn’t stupid. He acts like he is in front of Jaehyun but he fucking knows Dohyung sent Jaehyun to control him and his family and he gladly accepted because he’a fucking obsessed with Taehyung.

He can’t risk his career in the art’s world for someone like him so he plays along. Fakes to be in love with him and takes the beating without telling it to anyone. He knows Jaehyun controls his phone once in a while, he’s not that stupid. He just has to find a way to tell someone what’s going on.

Taehyung takes his phone, lowers to the minimum the brightness of his display and when he read the sender, his heart fucking breaks.

baby:
i miss you and it hurts so much hyung. does it hurt for you too?
don’t ignore me taehyung. i can see you reading them all
please darling 

Taehyung tries to reply to Jeongguk’s texts but his phone is snatched from his hands so soon that he doesn’t even realize it until Jaehyun forces him to turn his head towards him. “I wasn’t—”

“He’s fucking pathetic,” Jaehyun says when he reads Jeongguk’s texts, he fucking chuckles as he types something, putting Taehyung’s phone on his bedside table and the next thing Taehyung knows is that Jaehyun is on top of him, glaring at him with something like obsession.

“Now, me and you,” Jaehyun says, his lips already on Taehyung’s neck, sucking at it and biting repeatedly one particular spot. “Are gonna have so much fun,” Jaehyun whispers into is ear, biting his ear’s lobe.

“Do you want me like I want you, princess?” Jaehyun asks, his fingers tracing Taehyung’s face.

“Yes.” Taehyung says, eyes shiny and heart breaking apart for the umpteenth time. “I-I do.”

—

After Jaehyun is done with him, Taehyung showers himself more times that he can count and takes his phone from Jaehyun’s bedside table, trying to not make any noise. When he successfully does it, he goes upstairs on the attic and goes outside, sitting on the balcony and lighting a cigarette up.

After quite sometime, his phone starts vibrating again and he takes it out of his sweater’s pocket, noticing that it is almost 5AM.  

Is Jeongguk having a hard time sleeping?

baby:
remember how you said that you don’t trust yourself around me but your heart and mind does?

“Of course I remember, baby.” Taehyung whispers and waits Jeongguk’s texts one by one. Taehyung said it to him when Jeongguk found him on the bathroom’s floor, his body trembling. Taehyung remembers how he couldn’t really trust himself around Jeongguk. He was so scared of hurting him in any kind of way and he was fucking right. But his heart was screaming at him, telling to reach to Jeongguk, telling him to just let himself be loved by Jeongguk, to let himself love someone. To let Jeongguk teach him how to love.

baby:
i know you’re hurting too and that i cant speak for your heart so i dont really know if you miss me too or if you still love me

“But I hurt you more, didn’t I? I wish I could move on from you.” He says, voice almost unbearable. “I really wish I could.” Taehyung says, wiping his tears and taking a drag of smoke, placing the very same hand on his heart, “I miss you so much, baby,” He whispers, his heart clenching. “Of course I still love you. I could die for how my heart still wants you.”

baby:
i love you so much it hurts, but love shouldn’t hurt, should it?

“You taught me that, didn’t you?” Taehyung asks, wiping his tears. He passes his hand between his hair, still a little wet. “That love should always be something that make us want to be alive, right? That we should give it or have someone giving it to us without asking, right? It shouldn’t hurt. No. I’m sorry I’m the one who ruined us.”

baby:
it’s okay if you wont reply to me or you can’t. it’s enough if you let me just text you, to remind you that you’re worth it all
you’re enough my love, don’t ever forget it, please. and fuck whoever makes you think you’re not

Taehyung starts crying harder, his heart clenching and his mind telling him that he’s an asshole and that’s what he deserve for giving so much pain to Jeongguk. 

“I wish you were here with me to remind me about how worthy of your love I am. I wish you were here to heal the wounds my heart grow accustomed to. Even if you’re aren’t the one who broke my heart.”

baby:
please tell hana that dahye misses her. my mom misses you and do, too. i love you, darling 

“I love you too, baby. I love you so much.”

—

The next few months passes in a blurry.

Taehyung doesn’t really know what he does in these months more than commissions he was asked for. 

Taehyung feels miserable. So many times Jeongguk has tried to call him or text him but not even once Taehyung replied nor called him back. But so many times he wanted to. So many times he wanted to call. Just to hear his voice.

Taehyung misses his voice. Taehyung misses Jeongguk. His friends. The home he built for himself. He misses all of it.

But he’s a coward. He doesn’t have the guts to call Jeongguk and tell him that he misses him. 

The next time Jeongguk calls, though, Taehyung is met with Jaehyun’s anger. And he is scared. Not for himself, not really. He is accustomed. He is scared for Jeongguk, he doesn’t want Jaehyun to do something to him and that’s the only reason he keeps up with him and everything he does to him. For Jeongguk. No one gets to lend their dirty fingers on him, no one. Much less someone like Jaehyun.

The very moment Taehyung’s phone starts ringing, he is met with the one of the walls of his room. His face against it and Jaehyun’s hand on the back of his head, pressing it hard against the wall.

“What the fuck he’s calling you for, huh?” Jaehyun asks, gripping his hair and tugging at it. Taehyung knows better than lamenting the pain. 

“Did you contact him, Taehyung?” Jaehyun ask, tightening the grip on his hair and he shakes his head but Jaehyun doesn’t care. He slams Taehyung’s head against the wall and he is behind him now, pressing himself against Taehyung’s weak body. “Should I film you while I fuck you senseless and then send the video to Dohyung so he can pay me for how good I’m fucking you, Taehyung? He knows better than letting me pay.” Jaehyun says, pressing his cock on Taehyung’s ass.

Taehyung tries his very best not to cry in front of Jaehyun, he really knows better than this. Taehyung takes some time to calm down his erratic heartbeat while Jaehyun keeps pressing his dick on his ass, leaving disgusting kisses on the back of Taehyung’s neck.

“I don’t know why he’s calling, love. I’m not replying to him and you know it. I’m always with you, I never contacted him.” Taehyung replies and Jaehyun’s grip starts softening when Taehyung calls him love and he wants to fucking throw up the moment Jaehyun turns his face to kiss him, biting his lower lip and making it bleed. 

“You’re right, princess. I love you.” Jaehyun says, kissing him once more before texting Jeongguk something. “I’m going, now. I’ll see you later, baby.” Jaehyun says, smirking.

The moment Jaehyun leaves the room, Taehyung goes in front of the mirror Jaehyun has on his room and sees a little cut in his forehead. He goes to the bathroom, taking the medical kit he has and starts disinfecting the cut.

He is sure Jaehyun isn’t even out of his house yet when he texts him. He sighs and takes his phone, reading what Jaehyun wrote.

lee jaehyun:
I already miss u princess. Can’t wait to fuck u tonight xx
Love u

Taehyung rolls his eyes and opens his kakaotalk chat history and opens Jeongguk’s chat to see what Jaehyun texted him and he doesn’t want to even imagine Jeongguk’s face when he read the text.

taehyung:
ur a fucking burden istg. stop texting or calling me, jeongguk. i dont want to hear anything about u. stop telling jimin or any of the others to tell me that u want to see me because i fucking dont. i made it clear the moment i left, didn’t i? im not coming back and even if i do i dont want to see u ever again. stop texting and calling, i beg u. goodbye, jeongguk.

Taehyung wipes off his tears and from the notifications bar he sees another text Jaehyun just sent and Taehyung rolls his eyes.

lee jaehyun:
Answer me, whore. Now.

He doesn’t realize at the moment that yes, he’s replying to what Jaehyun said. But he sent the text to Jeongguk. He fucking replied to him with i love you too, jaehyun-ah. hurry up, i miss you :( 

He tries his very best to delete the text as soon as possible, but the moment he gets to delete it, Jeongguk has already seen it and Taehyung wants to die. 

He hopes Jeongguk can forgive him one day. 

And what truly breaks him that night, isn’t the way Jaehyun fucks him, no. He is accustomed to being treated like he is just fresh flash for animals to enjoy, so he doesn’t really feel anything when Jaehyun pounds into him so hard Taehyung nearly cries, or when he slaps his face or grips his hair. He doesn’t really feel anything at all. He feels dirty, like he’s still cheating on Jeongguk.

After Jaehyun is done with him, he leaves saying that he has to be somewhere else and Taehyung acts like he is sad about it but he doesn’t really care.

He has just finished washing himself, trying to erase what just happened when he feels his phone vibrating. He takes and holds his breath when he sees that Jeongguk texted him.

Taehyung does is very best not to cry. He really does. He reads Jeongguk’s text over and over again, shaking his head and whispers something along the lines of This can’t be happening. As if he wasn’t the one who left Jeongguk behind four months ago.

Taehyung wants to reply to him and tell him that everything he’s saying isn’t true, that he was never some kind of joke to him, that he still loves him very much, that he could die for how bad he’s making Jeongguk suffer.

He’s crying so hard by now that he doesn’t even realize he’s been shaking violently, nobody who would’ve taken him by their arms and calm him down is here to do so.

And Taehyung fucking hates it. 

He doesn’t even realize he starts writing when he does. 

taehyung:
i’m so sorry baby. i love you so much, i swear you were never a joke to me. you’re the greatest love that’s every happened to me, didn’t i tell you so? i didn’t give up on you or on us, i didn’t baby. i swear my heart is hurting, too. and you know i don’t love him. i fucking don’t. you’re the only one i’ve ever loved, i love and will always love. no one could ever love me like you do and i don’t deserve it, i never deserved you. please know you’re more than enough, my love. you’ve always been. i’m such an asshole, aren’t i? i’m hurting you and i know it, but i cant do otherwise. just trust your heart, please jeongguk. our hearts are tied together, remember? you’ll know the truth if you listen to your heart. i’m sorry. i truly am. i’ll make it up to you someday and i hope you’ll be able to wait for me.. i love you 

Taehyung wishes he could send that text to Jeongguk, tell him the truth and beg one more time for forgiveness. He knows he doesn’t deserve it. He knows. But Taehyung grew so fond of Jeongguk’s love that not having it fucking hurts.

And it’s all his fault.  

taehyung:
it’s over.
we’re done, jeongguk.

That’s what Taehyung ends up texting Jeongguk. And he hates himself for it. Breaking up with him, for good, over the phone. Taehyung fucking hates the thought of Jeongguk blaming himself for what Taehyung is doing. 

He sighs and wipes his tears, he gets up and takes advantage of the fact that Jaehyun’s not here to call Jimin. He waits an hour before doing so, but the moment Jimin replies, Taehyung switches to FaceTime him.

“Hello?” Jimin’s sleepy voice comes out from the phone and Taehyung tries to smile to him. He knows Jimin can tell he’s not doing fine but he’s thankful he doesn’t say anything.

“Jimin? Did I wake you up?” He whispers, his voice coming out strangled so he clears his throat.

“Don’t worry about it. Why are you calling? Is everything fine?”

Taehyung shakes his head.

“What happened, Taehyungie?”

Taehyung’s eyes are brimming with tears the moment he hears Jimin’s calling him Taehyungie. He misses Jimin so much.

“My heart hurts so much, Jimin.” Taehyung whispers, wiping his tears the moment he feels them streaming down his face. “I can’t bear all this pain alone, it hurts too much.”

“Jeongguk came here telling me the exact same thing. His heart’s hurting, too.” Jimin whispers and he sees him caressing someone’s head and when Jimin turns his phone, Taehyung stars crying harder. His shoulders shaking. “I’m glad you reached out, Taehyung-ah. It’s no use suffering this much alone.”

“I broke his heart, Jimin. I told him it’s over. He thinks he was some fucking bet to me, some kind of joke and I fucking can’t stand it, I—”

“Just breathe, Taehyung-ah. What can hyung do for you?”

He and Jimin have only two months and a half of difference between them but when Jimin pulls the hyung card Taehyung fucking crumbles down.

“Keep his heart safe, please.” Taehyung whispers, his hand coming to his heart, pressing into it thinking it would make it hurt less. “I’m gonna text you something but you can’t tell no one. No one, hyung.”

“Mh, I’ll try to keep his heart safe. I promise you. Okay, yeah. If it’s something you’re scared of telling hyung because of that asshole, make sure to delete the text, okay? I’m not gonna reply to it so it’s gonna be easier.”

Taehyung nods and texts Jimin right away.

taehyung:
i’m still in south korea. he keeps me hidden somewhere i dont really know about. 

“What the fuck? That’s being held hostage, Taehyung-ah!” Jimin whispers-yells, the gaze in his eyes worried.

“I know. But I have to keep Jeongguk safe, I’m bearing all of it for him. And he can’t know anything.”

“Taehyung..”

“I will, someday. Trust me. That’s way I need your help.”

Jimin’s eyes widen. “I’m not gonna tell him.”

Taehyung shakes his head, his hands shaking and eyes shiny, he literally feels the tears coming up. “I’m going to write him a letter and send it to you via email. Just keep it for the time being. I’ll tell you when you can give it to him, okay? Please, hyung. That’s the only way I can do it.”

Jimin sighs and nods, looking at Taehyung. He just keeps looking and after some time passes Jimin smiles at him. Like, a real smile. “Hyung loves you.”

Taehyung wipes his tears and smiles. “I love you, too.” He whispers, looking at Jimin. “Can you.. let me see him, please?”

Jimin nods and smiles at Taehyung again, turning his phone towards Jeongguk and Taehyung just stops breathing the moment he sees him. His hair looks so soft, his checks are red, probably for how hard he wiped the wetness left behind by his tears. His skin is so sensitive that it doesn’t take long to redden. His eyes seems to be swollen and Taehyung hates him for it.

Jeongguk’s brows frowns the moment the light from Jimin’s phone comes near him but Taehyung sees him twitch and knows he’s having a nightmare. 

“Keep hugging him till his brows softens. Caress his hair or his face, he needs to feel someone beside him when he has bad dreams. Whisper to him that everything’s alright and that you’re there with him. He might twitch violently any time so please be sure to calm him down. He might start sobbing out of nowhere, be sure to reassure him and if he wakes up give him some water, he might be thirsty. Oh.. And —” Taehyung stopes himself. He can’t believe he said all that. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. He’s your boyfriend.”

“Was.” Taehyung corrects him, lowering his gaze.

“Everything’s going to be alright. I promise you. Get some sleep, alright? I love you. And he does, too.”

Taehyung nods. “I love you too. And I love him. I swear, Jimin. I do.”

Jimin hums. “I know. Good night, Taehyungie.”

After he hangs up, he deletes the text he has sent to Jimin and takes his computer, going upstair and sitting outside in the attic. He takes the pack of cigarettes out of his sweatshirt’s pocket and lit one up.

Taehyung takes his time smoking his cigarette, looking at the night sky. It’s full of stars and the moon’s shining down on him and he smiles. If he was home right now he would’ve made sure Jeongguk was doing alright and if he wasn’t, he’d take him to the beach just to calm him down. Like they did so many times before.

He sighs and takes his computer, putting it on his lap and once his back meets the wall, he adjusts himself to be more comfortable and opens it. He takes a long breath and opens the Words App and starts typing.

He has his fair share of break downs while he writes the letter. It doesn’t really get any easier to let your mind go through all of it again. Taehyung doesn’t really think that he pain he has always felt will go away. He hopes so, someday.

He knows that once Jeongguk reads the letter there’s no turning back. One day, Taehyung will let Jeongguk read his past, he’ll be exposed in the most vulnerable way and he really hopes Jeongguk can understand his point of view. Yes, he hopes Jeongguk can forgive him some day, but his understanding will be enough for Taehyung. He sends it to Jimin, telling him to keep it until further notice and thanks him again.

—

jiminie:
he knows

At first, Taehyung doesn’t really understand what Jimin is talking about. Very subtly, he takes his phone and tells Jaehyun he’s going to the attic to get fresh air. Since there are some of his friends over and they’re smoking weed, he doesn’t seem to care much about what Taehyung said so he takes it as a chance and goes upstairs. 

He sits on the ground and tries to regularize his breathing. He dials Jimin’s number and waits till he answers. The moment he does, Taehyung switches to FaceTime Jimin.

“Hey,” Taehyung says, smiling shyly at Jimin. “What are you talking about?”

“Jeongguk knows.” Jimin simply says, whispering, and Taehyung’s heart seems to stop for a moment.

What? What does Jeongguk know? 

“What does he know, Jimin?” Taehyung asks carefully, looking at Jimin through his iPhone’s screen, his heart starting to beat again in a very erratic way. 

“What happened.” Jimin says, taking a deep breath and turning his head around maybe to make sure that no one, or Jeongguk?, is around. “Taehyung. Yoongi told Jeongguk what happened between the two of you. He told Jeongguk that you wanted Yoongi as your last time. He fucking blamed you and thought he had the right to fucking touch Jeongguk.” Jimin scoffs and sees how angry he is with Yoongi but Taehyung knows that he’s at fault, too.

But the moment Jimin’s words register, all he sees is red. No one, no fucking one should think to have the right to touch Jeongguk if not for tracing his beautiful traits. His beautiful lines. 

“What—” He takes a deep breath, “what do you mean when you say he touched Jeongguk?” Taehyung asks and by the time Jimin replies his heart fucking stops beating for good.

“Yoongi punched him. Several times. Jeongguk started it but Yoongi.. I guess he was really mad and took it out on Jeongguk. He’s doing good now. But you have to talk with Yoongi because that’s not normal. I— He doesn’t talk to me. He makes fucked up jokes about me and Jeongguk being adorable as a couple or whatever the fuck he says.” Jimin scoffs and looks at Taehyung. He doesn’t really know how he’s still listening to Jimin since he spaced out the moment Jimin told him Yoongi punched Jeongguk. 

“Taehyung. Please, I know that what he did to you is so fucked up and wrong in so many ways but you have to talk to him.” 

Taehyung nods, gazing up and looking at Jimin. He understands he’s crying when Jimin eyes become so soft while looking at him and he just tries to smile. “I trust you, Jimin. That’s why I asked you to take care of his heart. And— Umh— If you two ever start to develop feelings for each other I want you to know— It’s fine by me. Okay?” Taehyung says and Jimin frowns upon hearing Taehyung’s words. “You probably deserve Jeongguk more than I do and, yeah.. I’ll talk to Yoongi.” He says, nodding to his words.

“Taehyungie. You know that’s never gonna happen, right?”  

“You had feelings for him once.”

“Exactly, I had. When I was a fucking teenager.” Jimin says, looking at Taehyung with so much care. He misses Jimin so much. “And trust me when I tell you that you deserve him so much more than you think. Your love is strong enough to make it all right, yeah?”

Taehyung nods and sighs, looking at Jimin. “Take care of him for me, please. And I’ll talk to Yoongi, I guess.”

Jimin nods. “Are you scared?”

Taehyung wipes his tears but it’s not use the moment the start rolling down his cheeks again. He nods. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. I didn’t think he was capable of doing.. such things.”

“You know it’s wrong, right? You know that you didn’t give him any consent before he did what he did?”

Taehyung nods. “I know. That’s why I’m scared. I-I didn’t recognize him, Jimin. He seemed like one of those men and I—”

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. If that asshole lets you go out I promise I’ll be with you when you talk to him.”

“Would you really do that? For me?”

“What do you mean, ‘for me’?” He asks, mimicking the quotation marks with his fingers. “You're family, Tae. My family and you know it.”

Taehyung nods and tries to smile. “You’re my family, too. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

—

taehyung:
we need to talk.
[location]
i’ll wait for you here

yoongi hyung:
what?
are you in korea?

taehyung:
not the point. i need to talk to you

yoongi hyung:
yeah of course. i’ll come

Taehyung doesn’t really know how he convinces Jaehyun to let him go out and meet with Yoongi, but he’s just glad to be out that fucking house.

He’s sitting in a cafe shop near the Han River, waiting for Yoongi to show up. Jimin is here with him, caressing his back. He knows that it’s hard for Jimin being here with the guy he’s in love with and the one who slept with said guy, nothing less than his best friend. 

Taehyung knows it’s not really his fault. But he can’t help it. He feels so fucking guilty towards Jimin, Jeongguk. 

“Why are you here?” Yoongi asks as he sits in front of them, the look of annoyance paints Yoongi’s face as soon as he spots Jimin. “Got tired of playing boyfriends with Jeongguk?” He chuckles and Taehyung looks at him, not really recognizing the Yoongi he’s so fond of. 

Jimin doesn’t really say anything but he scoffs and Taehyung takes his hand. “I asked him to come. I don’t trust you enough to be alone with you right now.”

“What?” Yoongi asks and he can see the hurt in his eyes but Taehyung can’t erase the hurt Yoongi caused him. He can’t.

“Do you even acknowledge what the fuck you did to him?” Jimin asks, looking at Yoongi dead in the eyes. Taehyung hand starts trembling and so does his lower lip, but he tries not to show it.

“What the fuck are you on, Jimin?” Yoongi asks, returning the dead stare Jimin has on his face. “We both know that he wanted it, too.”

Taehyung chuckles. “Did I, though?” He asks. “Have you asked me if I wanted to have sex with you?” Taehyung looks at Yoongi with eyes brimming with tears, lower lip between his teeth. “You just— You made me feel like I was nothing, hyung. You out of all people. You fucking locked us in your room and y-you— Fuck! Y-You—”

Yoongi shakes his head, suddenly aware of what Taehyung is trying to say. “N-no. I didn’t, Tae. I didn’t, right?”

“Are you really asking him that? He’s the victim, here.” Jimin says, still caressing Taehyung’s hand and tightening his grip every time Jimin feels Taehyung trembling. “And let me tell you, you fucking suck.” 

“Shut the fuck up!” Yoongi suddenly yells after not replying for quite some time. 

“You don’t have any right to yell at me, fucking punch Jeongguk or thinking you had the right to touch Taehyung the way you did. Not after everything you know and saw!” 

“I didn’t abuse him. I didn’t. Shut up!”

“You fucking did, Yoongi.” 

“I-I’m not yours. I’ll never be yours, hyung. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you and your obsession with me but I’m not yours. I-I’m not.” Taehyung says, shaking his head while tears rolls down his cheeks. “I am not.” He repeats.

“Stop depicting me as someone I’m not! We all know who the bad guy is here and it’s not me.”

“You’re fucking sick in the head. Do you understand how serious all of this is?” Jimin asks, slamming his hand on the table. Yoongi shifts his gaze between Taehyung and Jimin but doesn’t say anything. 

After a while, Taehyung chuckles. “And who is the bad guy?” He asks, slowly rising his gaze up to look at Yoongi. “Jeongguk?”

“Exactly!” Yoongi nods, clapping his hands once and pointing at Taehyung. “You got it.”

“How the fuck can you hate him that much? What has he done to you, huh?” Taehyung asks, suddenly standing up and lowering on the table towards Yoongi. “What made you think you had the fucking right to land your hands on him?” 

“Jeongguk took you away from me. I can’t stand that, I was there first. If anyone has the right to love you then it’s me, not Jeongguk. I fucking hate how you look at him because you used to look at me the same way!” 

“What the fuck are you talking about, hyung?” Taehyung scoffs and looks at him. “Jeongguk didn’t took me away from you. I was the one who fell in love with him first, I was the one who wanted something real that I could call mine. And it was him for me. He just happened to love me, too.”

“I would’ve given everything to you. My love, a comfortable life. Why him?”

Taehyung doesn’t understand what he’s talking about, he knows Yoongi never had feelings for him, he fucking knows. He just doesn’t understand what happens and what happened that night. Taehyung doesn’t remember any of it. Nothing.

Taehyung sits back down and wipes his tears, lowering his gaze. “He never made me feel like those men do. Like you made me feel the day I left. Jeongguk gave me the love I was looking for, the love I desperately needed and craved. He loved me without knowing my past, and he has been loving me since he was thirteen years old. He never made me feel like he wanted me just for my body because he learned to know my heart first. And I fucking broke his.”

Yoongi looks at him and wipes his own tears, trying to come closer to Taehyung but he asks him not to. “I’m jealous.”

“What?” Taehyung and Jimin ask in the same moment.

“I’m jealous of Jeongguk.” Yoongi says taking his cup of coffee, sipping on it and putting it on the table again. “I have to do a lot of work on myself, I know it. I understand, now, that what I did is sick. I never intended to do it, Taehyung. You have to believe me. I wasn’t aware of what I was doing and I know it’s not an excuse but I want you to know I’m sorry. I really am.”

Taehyung sighs and nods. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did since you know my past.” He says and Yoongi nods, lowering his gaze. “I’m not the only one you have to ask for forgiveness, you know that?”

“Why are you jealous of Jeongguk? What the fuck is wrong with you? You used me, you fucking abused my best friend and punched my other best friend. All of that out of jealousy?”

Taehyung tries his best to come to terms with that. That he was, in fact, abused all these years. He feels disgusted, he feels like throwing up and fucking wants to rip off his skin. He doesn’t feel comfortable with that, realizing that all of this happened without his consent. That his Dad let men his age do that to his child. 

“I didn’t use you, Jimin. I know you won’t believe me but I didn’t.” Yoongi says and his hands starts trembling and so does his voice when he speaks again. “I’m trying to get clean but it isn’t easy.” 

“Clean?” Jimin asks. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

Yoongi ignores the topic and starts rambling about what’s on his mind. “As I said, I would never use you, Jimin. I don’t know why I’m jealous of Jeongguk, I never understood it myself. I guess it all started when the three of you came to Seoul for university. It has always been the six of us, you know? I didn’t really expect Jeongguk to come along so soon. I care about that kid, I swear I do. But he’s got everything I don’t.” Yoongi says, ripping off some cuticles on his fingers, without caring much about the blood coming out from it. “He has a loving family, everyone seemed to love him when you arrived and I felt so.. alone. No one really noticed how bad I was struggling until one night Hoseok saw me at my worst. I just wanted to feel seen and I found so much comfort in you, Jimin. That’s why I kissed you that night. You seemed the only one to care and I’ve held onto you. I craved attention and love and I took whatever you gave me. I’m sorry if I made you think that I used you. In some fucked up ways I care the same why, I just have to clear some things up with myself.” 

“You were never alone, hyung. Never. Why didn’t you come to us sooner?” Jimin asks, taking Yoongi’s hand and caressing it. 

Yoongi shrugs and fight back the tears that are trying to come out.

”It’s okay to cry, hyung. It’s us.” Taehyung says and smiles shyly at him.

“Taehyung.. I j-just hope you can.. Umh,” Yoongi takes a deep breath and lowers his gaze. “Actually, I don’t want you to forgive me, no. I don’t deserve it. But I hope we can go back to how we were, some day.” Yoongi says and stands up, smiling to both of them. A sad, sad smile. “I’m going.”

“One last thing.” Taehyung says, standing up and looking at Yoongi. He takes a deep breath and a few steps closer to him. “Promise me you’ll talk to him. He cares so much about you and I’m sure he’s hurting, too. Please.” He says, looking at him with his eyes packed with tears.

Yoongi nods. “I’ll try.” He says, caressing his cheek. “I’ll see you on my birthday?” 

Taehyung sighs, tries not to flinch away as soon as Yoongi touches him and nods, “I guess.” 

—

After the conversation Taehyung had with Yoongi, he decided for his own sake to see a therapist. He’s been acknowledging that what happened to him since he was a child isn’t really considered consensual and he’s fucking scared of letting it all out to someone who doesn’t even know him.

He’s scared, truly. He never really talked to someone competent and he knows that’s basically their job, to listen to him and to give him advices but the feeling of getting judged for what happened to him lies heavily on his heart.

Taehyung is trying to understand that nothing is his fault. Hyojung, his therapist, repeats it to him at every end session. She encourages Taehyung to always speak up about what happened to him, to make other people aware that what happened it’s not his or their fault. And that it will never be.

It’s hard to speak about it. It’s been two months since he started seeing Hyojung and in some ways she’s helping him, she truly is. But Taehyung has always had a weak mental health, so some days are really hard than others and, to say the truth, living with Jaehyun makes it really hard to see some results.

Jaehyun fucking degrades him at every chance he gets. He tells Taehyung that he will never be good enough to anyone, that no one will ever love him like Jaehyun does, that he’s the only asshole who’s willingly loving him. He tells Taehyung that the only thing he’ll ever be good at is being a doll for other men, for him, and to make money for his stepfather.

Jaehyun, more times that Taehyung can even count, beats him up and even if he knows it’s wrong, that’s Taehyung’s reality. He has seen Dohyung beat Hana up all his life and in some fucked up ways Taehyung knows that all of this comes with love. 

That’s what he has learned all his life.

So his mind plays its tricks on him, telling him that’s simply the way Jaehyun loves and that maybe he’s right.

No one will ever love him like Jaehyun does. 

But then he thinks about Jeongguk.

About all the love Jeongguk gave to him for four years and he is well aware of the fact that what Jaehyun does to him is manipulation, that it isn’t love. He knows it. He’s trying to accept it.

Hyojung tells him that, too.

That Jeongguk happening in between saved him, partially. She tells him that Jeongguk taught him how to love and how to be loved, to be cared of. She tells him that it’s clear how Jeongguk took responsibility to heal a wounded heart that wasn’t broken by him and he, too, is aware of it. And he is so, so glad that Jeongguk was the cure for all the hurt his heart had been through.

Taehyung blames himself for not making it last longer. Because it is, in fact, his fault.

Hyojung smiles sympathetically at him when Taehyung tells her the same thing.

“It’s not your fault for that either, Taehyung. You were scared that he might’ve broken up with you if he ever found out what you went through. You were scared he might’ve judged you for it. You just tried to save him before you could drown and bring him down with you. It’s never too late to make it all right, Taehyung. But I’m pretty sure you have to come to terms with everything that happened to you and understand that you’re worthy of other people’s love before trying again with Jeongguk, if that’s what you really want.”

And Taehyung knows that Hyojung is right. Maybe, just maybe, if he gets a hold on himself and comes to term with all of it, if he finds the courage to fight back his stepfather and Jaehyun, if Taehyung tries his best to finally heal, maybe he and Jeongguk can try again. 

And Taehyung desperately hopes so.

—

Taehyung really thinks that coming back to their house for Yoongi’s birthday is a good idea. He actually wants to talk with Jeongguk and wants to try and explain some things to him, but the moment his phone vibrate he doesn’t think it’s a good idea anymore. 

He takes his phone out and sees the texts Jeongguk has just sent to him and when he reads and sees the photo, he fucking crumbles down on their back yard. 

baby:
[photo]
i hope you know the moment you cheated on me with yoongi i was getting this tattooed.
hope you had fun.

The photo depicts Jeongguk’s forearm. Painted on his forearm forever, there is one of Taehyung’s paintings. A tiger lily, fully bloomed and colored with a beautiful orange shade. Underneath it, its meaning: PLEASE LOVE ME. The artwork of the sentence looks a lot like it was made by Jeongguk and it makes him cry harder because Taehyung and Jeongguk are intertwined on his forearm, too. 

It fucking hurts to think that that day Taehyung had asked so many times Jeongguk not to leave him. Jeongguk was so happy that he couldn’t wait to return home because, now Taehyung understands, he wanted to show his tattoo to him. 

And Taehyung left.

Taehyung fucking left.

He takes his sweet time to recompose himself and while he is walking down the yard to go to the front door, Taehyung stops on his tracks. The kitchen’s window is open and he swears he stops breathing.

The tears starts rolling down his cheeks without him even acknowledging it. Taehyung wants to believe it is some kind of jokes, that he is imagining all of it.

But as he takes one more look inside, he clearly sees Jeongguk and Jimin kissing each other. On the lips. 

Jeongguk, his ex-boyfriend.

Jimin, his best friend. 

Kissing each other. 

And Taehyung recalls what Jimin said about catching feelings for Jeongguk.

That’s never gonna happen.

What a fucking lie.

Taehyung brings his right hand on his chest and massages it, trying to calm himself down and starts walking again, going to the front door. He wipes his wet cheeks and takes his pair of keys from the back pocket of his jeans and puts it on the lock of the door, struggling for a bit since his hand is shaking and then he opens it, entering the house and feeling finally at home.

Or almost.

“Taehyung?” He ears Hoseok ask with enthusiasm the moment he spots him, running towards Taehyung and welcoming him between his arms. He sees Seokjin, Namjoon and Jimin shifting their gazes between him and Jeongguk and he sighs. Hoseok tightens his grip on him, probably he feels how bad he’s trembling. 

“Hi, hyung,” Taehyung smiles, hugging him back and inhaling Hoseok’s perfume. He notices how Jeongguk fights himself not to look at him but he eventually fails. And Taehyung tries his best, too. 

Taehyung then greets Seokjin and Namjoon, hugging the both of them together and he feels like a child between his parent’s arms. He missed them so, so much. Then Jimin comes in front on him and hugs him and Taehyung pretends he didn’t see Jimin kissing his ex boyfriend. He greets all of them expect Jeongguk and pretends it doesn’t hurt. 

“Are you doing alright?” Jeongguk suddenly asks and Taehyung stops breathing for what feels like ages. He tries not to panic and tries to keep it cool, pretends he doesn’t care about what Jeongguk is saying and he knows he’s just hurting Jeongguk more. But he hadn’t expected to see Jeongguk moving on so fast from him. “Right. I forgot.” Jeongguk chuckles. “What is it that you told me?” He keeps asking, “Right. ‘I’m not coming back and even if I do I don't want to see you ever again.’” 

Taehyung tries his best not to show that his eyes are packed with tears, he pretends he doesn’t hear a thing about what Jeongguk is saying. He can tell, though, that Jeongguk is crying by the time he speaks again. 

“Was it fun doing it behind my back, Taehyung-ah? Is Yoongi better than me?”

Silence.

“What are you talking about, Guk?” Hoseok asks, his brows furrowing as he shifts his gaze between him and Jeongguk. “Did I miss something?”

“Did Hoseokie hyung miss something, Taehyung-ah? Why don’t you tell him?”

Taehyung takes a deep breath and tries not to show that’s he is already crying.  “Stop, Jeongguk. Stop it.” Taehyung says and with the corner of his eye sees Jeongguk looking at him while he wipes his tears.

“Stop it?” Jeongguk chuckles, “You cheat on me with one of my closest friend and I have to stop? You’re not being for real,” Jeongguk says as he stands up and he sees Seokjin stopping him and taking him by his arms.

Before Taehyung gets to formulate a sentence that makes sense, the front doors open revealing Yoongi and all of them, expect Jeongguk, run to him to hug Yoongi and wishing him a happy birthday.

“Taehyung-ah?” Yoongi asks, coming closer to him and smiling but he can tell he’s high or something because Yoongi genuinely hates his birthday. 

“Happy birthday, hyung,” Taehyung says and smiles at him, hugging Yoongi. He takes his face between his hands and leaves a kiss on the corner of his lips. “Thanks, baby,” 

Taehyung frowns and looks at him, whispering a don’t call me that but Yoongi smirks and he knows he’s looking at Jeongguk.

“Did you cry?” Yoongi suddenly asks and Taehyung’s eyes go wide, shaking his head.

“I didn’t.” 

“Of course you cried,” Yoongi says and takes a few steps closer to Jeongguk, Taehyung sees Yoongi taking with force Jeongguk’s chin with his fingers. “And who’s fault is that, huh?”

Jeongguk stays silent. 

“Do you enjoy hurting Taehyung, Jeongguk-ah?” Yoongi chuckles. “Do you?”

“Fuck you.” Taehyung hears Jeongguk says and the moment he does, he sees Yoongi’s punch landing on Jeongguk’s cheekbone. Taehyung stares at the scene before him with wide eyes and he doesn’t realize he’s trembling.

He sees Jeongguk stopping Yoongi by taking his wrist. 

“Drop it, Yoongi. Letting Taehyung see yourself like this won’t make him magically fall in love with you.”

Yoongi chuckles, “Yet,” He says, coming closer to him. “He cheated on you with me.”

Stop. I didn’t. Stop lying. I never wanted it. 

He hears Jeongguk humming, “That’s what you’ll always be for him,” He says, “A mistake.”

He sees Yoongi landing another punch on Jeongguk’s cheekbone and he tighten the grip on Yoongi’s wrists. “Stop it, you fucker.” 

Taehyung closes his eyes and he’s going to leave but Jeongguk takes his wrist, turns him towards himself and without realizing it, Taehyung finds himself between Jeongguk arms.

“It’s okay. Don’t cry.” Jeongguk whispers into his ear, his lips grazing his temple. “You’re safe.”

And Taehyung pretends that he is, in fact, safe. Right now, between Jeongguk arms, he feels like he is safe.

And he pretends it doesn’t hurt to have Jeongguk holding him so close.

Taehyung tentatively tries to keep Jeongguk closer, his hands on the fabric of Jeongguk’s t-shirt, trying to make Jeongguk feel how bad they still need each other.

Taehyung pretends, for the briefest of moment, that everything’s alright and Jeongguk is still Taehyung’s to call his. 

—

Taehyung tries his very best to erase from his memory the image of Jeongguk and Jimin kissing, he knows it doesn’t do any good to him to keep thinking about it but he can’t fucking stop.

“Oppa?” He hears Danbi’s voice and he curses himself for not locking his room. 

After Yoongi’s birthday, he booked a ticket one way to Paris. He wanted to leave Seoul behind, let alone Daegu. He felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore and he is glad Hyojung still has him as her patient even if they have to adjust the timetables since the different time zones. 

He didn’t really told Jaehyun. He just booked it and left the day after. He found out, eventually. And sometimes comes to Paris to control him but for now, he’s just glad he gets to breathe. 

He didn’t met his father, not yet. His mom told him that he’ll return soon enough from his work trip so he guess he has to make an effort to build some sort of relationship with him.

And he wants to, truly. He really wants to.

“Yeah?” He replies, turning his head to her and trying to smile. Danbi comes closer to him, jumping on him and crawling on his chest. Taehyung brings his arm around her little body and he snuggles with her.

“Stop crying,” Danbi says, placing her little hand on Taehyung’s heart, caressing it. “My heart hurts.”

Taehyung smiles at her and takes a strand of her hair behind her ear, caressing Danbi’s cheek with the back of his index. “It shouldn’t. Your heart is still too pure to know what pain is.” 

Danbi looks up at him with such huge eyes that sometimes, when Taehyung looks at her big brown eyes, he’s reminded of Jeongguk. Maybe that’s the purity behind them, the sparkle in her eyes. He doesn’t know. 

Taehyung smiles at her, leaving a kiss on her forehead while she snuggled into his chest. “I asked Mom if I could talk with Jeongguk oppa,” Danbi says after a while and she’s not looking at him, not anymore, meaning she’s scared of having done something wrong. 

“Oh, yeah?” Taehyung asks, still caressing her cheek. “Did you call him?”

Danbi nods. “I talked to him before coming to you.”

It hurts, to be honest. Knowing that she’s so close to Jeongguk. It hurts to have memories hanging in the walls of your heart and not being able to revive them because that’s what they will always be: memories. There’s not going to be a future for Taehyung and Jeongguk.

Maybe there’s gonna be a future for Jeongguk and his new flame. That happens to be his best friend, and Taehyung is going to try his best to try and be happy for them.

“Yeah?” He asks, trying so hard not to crumble in front of his sister. “What did you talk about?”

“He was with Jimin oppa, I talked with him, too! He says he misses you a lot,” Danbi says and speaks again after a while. “Jeongguk oppa.. He didn’t talk much, he seems sad.” Danbi pauses for a while and Taehyung pretends it doesn’t hurt to know that they were together. But Taehyung is the one who asked Jimin to take care of Jeongguk’s heart, didn’t he? “Just like you.”

“I really doubt he’s sad, Danbi.” Taehyung says and sighs, leaving a kiss on her forehead. “Don’t worry about me, yeah? I’m going to be alright in no time.”

Danbi sighs and nods. “Appa can’t wait to meet you, you know? Our old Dad was so mean, I prefer Appa better.” 

Taehyung smiles as he looks at her. He’s glad she’s going to have a Dad who won’t use her for whatever he got going on and neither will Hwan. “Does Appa treat you and Hwan better? Are you happy with him as our Appa?” 

Danbi nods, smiling. “Our family is finally perfect, Oppa.” She says and snuggles to Taehyung’s chest again, closing her eyes and Taehyung really hopes he’s a better Dad. He just needs his inner child to be healed, that’s all. He can’t erase what happened to him, but the void of not having a father who cared can be filled if he gives his father a chance, right?

“She’s right, Tae.” He hears Hana whisper and a second later she’s behind Taehyung, her elbow find its place on his pillow, holding up her head as she adjusts herself, with the other hand she starts caressing his hair.

“About what?” He whispers back since Danbi’s asleep.

“Jeongguk being sad,” Hana whispers, keeps caressing Taehyung’s hair as he looks at her and shakes his head. 

“I doubt it, Mom.” Taehyung says, taking his lower lip between his teeth, keeping it from trembling.

“Why are you so sure of it?”

“At Yoongi’s birthday,” He says, taking a deep breath as his tongue sticks out to wet his lips. “I saw Jeongguk and Jimin kissing, Mom. He’s moving on.” Taehyung says and he can’t stop the tears from falling down but Hana’s quick enough to wipe them, leaving a kiss on his forehead. 

“Well, fuck,” Hana curses after a while and Taehyung chuckles. “I don’t know about that and I’m not going to justify Jeongguk in any way. But I saw him when he was talking to Danbi and he’s just like you,” Hana says, still caressing his hair. “He bottled up so much hurt that he doesn’t know how to hide it anymore and trust me, I saw him growing up beside you for all this time and I’m sure when I tell you he’s hurting just as you are.”

Taehyung shakes his head, he doesn’t want to hear all of it. Not after seeing him two months ago. “Jimin is so much better than me. Mom. I kind of stole Jeongguk away from him, you know? He liked him first. He was going to confess when Jeongguk turned fifteen. But I just.. came between the two of them? I mean, not really. But I told Jimin I liked Jeongguk, too. And out of respect neither of us did the first move on him.” Taehyung says, closing his eyes when Hana hums along what he’s saying and keeps caressing his hair. 

“Then, after some years Jimin told me he didn’t like Jeongguk anymore and started seeing Yoongi, so I really believed him and I decided to make my move once we moved to Seoul. And I did, of course. Jeongguk made me so happy, Mom. He healed a heart that was broken and the fault wasn’t his. But he took my heart anyway and healed it. And I ended up breaking his. So it’s only fair if I don’t come between them if Jimin wants to make his move, now. I was the one who asked Jimin to take care of Jeongguk’s heart and that’s okay. I’ll try and be happy for them.”

“Oh, my baby,” Hana says, laying down behind him and taking Taehyung between her arms, Danbi now laying on Taehyung’s chest. “You don’t have to. Be happy for them, I mean.” She says, leaving a kiss on his temple. 

“It’s okay if you’re hurting. It’s okay if the thought of your best friend and your ex boyfriend being together makes you want to throw up. But I watched you and Jeongguk grow up side by side, and oh, boy, let me tell you,” Hana says, placing her chin on Taehyung’s shoulder. “The two of you loved the other the very first time you landed your eyes on the other. Maybe it was meant to end this way, this time around. But it’s not over till it’s over, right?” 

Taehyung sighs and nods. “Yeah. But I don’t want Jeongguk to suffer because of me. I already broke his heart, Mom. I know it’s not cheating because.. I didn’t approve of it but.. I slept with Yoongi. His best friend. Behind his back. While he was getting tattooed a piece of mine.”

Hana stills behind Taehyung and tightens his grip on Taehyung. “Tae. Baby.” She says calmly, caressing his arm. “You know that, umh.. If you didn’t approve of it, if any of it wasn’t consensual it is..” She clears her throat. “Sexual assault. Right?”

Taehyung knows. Of course. Now he knows. 

“Now I do, yes. Dohyung made me think that I had to always obey when people wanted something from me and I’m so weak when it comes to this, Mom. I seem to never be brave enough to fight them and tell them no.” Taehyung says and he just let the tears fall down and this time Hana doesn’t wipe them, she lets Taehyung cry it all out.

“What Dohyung did to you is atrocious, baby. I will never forgive myself for not seeing through you when you suddenly stopped talking, or when you were scared of me touching you. I hate myself for it and I don’t want you to forgive me for that, either. I’m just glad that now all of it is over.” Hana says, he’s sure she’s crying, too. She tightens her grip on Taehyung and leaves a kiss on his jawline.

“And since I’m your mother and I know when something’s wrong, I need you to tell Jaehyun to fuck off because I know what he’s doing to you. There’s actual footage of it and I’m not gonna watch as he tries to bring you down, again. I’ll not let him.”

Taehyung stills and Hana just hugs him tighter, leaving a kiss on his temple. “I know it’s scary. I’ve been here before and I can understand how you feel. But I want you to have a someone who loves you in a healthy way.”

“It’s so scary, Mom. I’m so scared of him. I’m doing it for Jeongguk, I don’t want Jaehyun to do anything to him.”

Hana sighs. “When will you do something for yourself, Taehyung? Jeongguk wouldn’t want to know you’re putting yourself in an abusive relationship to save him. He can save himself and you know it. Please, don’t do the same mistakes I made.” Hana says and wipes her tears, Taehyung looks up at her and hides his face in the crook of her neck. He’s crying, too. “There’s footage, I’m not so stupid to let my son live with a fucking asshole who manipulates you without controlling any of it. So if you ever want to denounce him, just know that I have all the proofs. And he admitted what Dohyung does, so we can denounce him too, okay?” 

“Please, Mom. Please, let’s do it.”

“Okay. Okay, baby. I’ll take care of everything for you.” Hana says and brings Taehyung impossible closer to her, caressing his back while Taehyung cries and she isn’t stopping the tears, either. Danbi’s still asleep, now between them as Taehyung carefully turned them on his side. “I love you so much, Taehyung.”

“Me too, Mom.”

Taehyung is so, so glad to have Hana as his mother. He couldn’t have asked for anyone better than her and he doesn’t even feel the need to find his blood. He’s happy with having Hana in his life. 

He hopes his father is going to love him as much as Hana does.

—

Turns out that Taehyung is really, really excited to meet his father. He’s been helping Hana prepare dinner for the five of them and he can’t stop smiling when Danbi and Hwan are so happy to have a real family now.

Taehyung doesn’t feel left out, as he already thought, he’s glad Hana is his mother and he’s really happy to call her Mom. He now has a Dad, a real Dad, too.

When the doorbell rings Danbi runs off to the door and Hana gives him a little shove, smiling at him as he goes with Danbi, taking her in his arms and taking a deep breath.

“Appa is going to love you too, Oppa.” Danbi whispers and he feels Hwan hugging his leg and he looks down at him, smiling and ruffling his hair.

He nods and he opens the door, revealing Sanghun, his father. Taehyung’s hands are shaking but he tries his best not to show it. Taehyung thinks that they look very much alike. He’s really handsome and he can tell that he tried to dress up to maybe impress him. Taehyung smiles at the thought.

He can tell Sanghun didn’t expect Taehyung to be here, by the door, but nevertheless, he gives him the warmest smile Taehyung ever received from the dad figure he had growing up.

“Appa!” Danbi yells, opening her arms to let Sanghun take her between his and he watches him as he takes Hwan, too. And he just wishes to be a kid again and have a father who would pick him up like this. 

“Hi, love,” Sanghun says and his voice is so deep, almost like Taehyung’s. He gives Danbi a kiss on her forehead and the same goes for Hwan and he just watches, because that’s all he can do. He’s petrified, having his father in front of him is something Taehyung never imagined. But Sanghun is. And suddenly, Taehyung doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

“Can I come closer, Taehyung?”

He’s suddenly addressed and he looks up with wide eyes, looking at his father, asking for permission of coming closer to him. And Taehyung wants to fucking cry. He’s missed a father who actually cares about his personal space for almost twenty-seven years?

Sanghun looks at Taehyung, smiling at him. Still in his place, waiting for Taehyung’s response and probably prepared if Taehyung’s gonna deny him.

Taehyung’s eyes are brimming with tears the moment he nods, letting Sanghun come closer to him. His father takes his face between his hands and Taehyung notices how both of them are trembling. Sanghun wipes Taehyung’s tear even if he’s crying, too. 

His father takes some time to admire Taehyung’s face, caressing his cheeks and smiling at him. “You haven’t changed a bit, you know?” Sanghun asks.

“Oh?” 

“Hana always sent me your pictures when you were a child,” Sanghun’s smile is resentful this time, like he’s beating himself up for it, still. 

“Let’s talk about it later, okay?” Taehyung says, smiling and Sanghun nods, opening his arm and Taehyung lets his inner child guide him between his father’s arms.

They ate at the dinner table like a real family, they laugh together and Taehyung smiles when Hana tells Sanghun some anecdotes about Taehyung when he was a little kid. After dinner, the five of them are on the couch: Danbi on Sanghun’s lap, Hwan on Hana’s lap and Taehyung just watches them, smiling. His jaw actually hurts from all the smiling. He hasn’t smiled like this in so long. 

After some time, Hana brings Hwan and Danbi on their room and Sanghun takes a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, putting some ice cubes in and Sanghun nods towards the terrace they have outside. They make their way outside from the patio door and sit down on the couches, Sanghun putting the glasses on the table as he sits and Taehyung takes the bottle of whiskey, pouring some of it on Sanghun’s glass. 

“Thank you,” Sanghun says, smiling and Taehyung waves him off with a smile pouring some whiskey for him, too.

Silence falls upon them but Taehyung doesn’t find it uncomfortable and that eases his heart. He’s anxious, yes, but for the first time he isn’t scared. Because Sanghun isn’t Dohyung, Sanghun’s eyes are nothing but warm, bright. Taehyung finds comfort in them, and it’s nothing like Dohyung’s eyes. Nothing.

“I don’t want you to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable,” Sanghun stars, sipping his whiskey. He looks up when his father starts talking and gulps, taking a sip, too. “But I want you to know that whatever decision you make, I’ll support you. I’ll do everything in my power — If you want me as your lawyer, of course,— to help you.”

Does his father know? Isn’t he ashamed of who his son is?

“How much do you know?” Taehyung asks, not really looking at his father. He doesn’t want to see the pity look on his face.

“Look at me, Taehyung.” Sanghun says, putting his glass on the table and coming closer to him. Sanghun takes his free hand and caresses it, Taehyung gulps down as he meets his father’s eyes. “I’m not pitying you. I’m not judging you. I’m not ashamed of you. Okay? I’m not.” 

Taehyung looks at Sanghun and tries to find anything in his gaze for not believing him but he can’t. Sanghun is sincere. “Okay.” Taehyung nods.

“You’re my son, Taehyung. Whatever happens to you doesn’t define you, alright? I need you to understand that.” Sanghun says and Taehyung feels like crying, nodding at his father’s words. 

“I’d like if you,” Taehyung starts, looking at their hands since Sanghun is still caressing it and he asks if it’s okay for him to hold his hand and Taehyung nods, smiling a little. “If you could help with it.” 

Sanghun nods, smiling at Taehyung and letting silence fall again upon them. Taehyung takes more sips of his whiskey and his mind starts racing about the possibility of what could go wrong and Sanghun seems to notice that he is letting his thoughts take over.

“Want to talk about.. everything?” Sanghun asks and Taehyung nods, his eyes still on their hands. What would’ve been like if that were Sanghun and little Taehyung’s hand? Sometimes he cursed his biological parents for leaving him but all he wants now is to make up for all the time he lost with Sanghun.

“Yeah.” Taehyung says after a while and both of them take a sip of their whiskey, maybe they’re preparing themselves for the conversation that’s bound to happen.

“I know Hana told you how we met. And I know I fucked up as a father and as a husband. But I don’t regret it, Taehyung.” Sanghun says, looking at him. “Not leaving you. That I regret, a lot. I don’t regret cheating on Dalila.”

Dalila. His mother’s name is Dalila. 

“Were you unhappy with her?” Taehyung asks, curiously as he takes one more sip of whiskey. He sees Sanghun’s glass near empty so he fills their glasses with some more whiskey.

“You could say that,” Sanghun chuckles, thanking him for the refill and smiling at him. “We weren’t really together when I got her pregnant. We were just.. fooling around,” His father says, rolling the glass in his hand, the ice cubes hitting the edges.

“So.. You didn’t want me?” Taehyung asks and he can’t help but think of it. Maybe he was just a mistake for both his parents, maybe they didn’t really want him and kept him for pity. Maybe his Mom did the right thing leaving him behind, no?

“Don’t say it like that, Tae.” Sanghun says, looking at him as Taehyung gulps down most of his whiskey. “Since I was a little boy I always dreamed of become a Dad. I met Dalila when I was 23. She was 18. You can clearly see how we weren’t ready. She was still a teenager, I was supposed to be a man living in adulthood but I struggled with some heavy shit at the time. So Dalila was kind of a distraction for me, you know? We started it telling each other that there wouldn’t be any string attached because, you know, we didn’t want anything serious. We’ve been fooling around for two years, we trusted each other so at that time we stopped using protection whenever we would have sex. Then you came into the picture and both our parents kept pressuring us about marriage. We didn’t want to and kept telling them that we wanted to wait till you were born. But they didn’t listen to us and by May, 1995 we were married. I was still struggling, emotionally and economically. So I couldn’t really gave us a stability, you know?” Sanghun stops and gulps down his whiskey, pouring some more on his and Taehyung’s glass.

“Then I met Hana and you know the rest of it. I asked her to keep you because I didn’t want to have a family with someone I didn’t love. Dalila, too, had a man she didn’t talk about. I knew because he was a friend of mine but I never brought it up because I was seeing Hana. I can’t say if she regrets it. We don’t talk anymore since the moment you were born but if you ever want to meet with her, I can try and find where she is.”

Taehyung thinks about it for a while. Would his feelings towards his mother be any different if he decides to meet her? Would she regret leaving him behind all those years ago?

Taehyung shakes his head. “I don’t want to. I hope she’s happy but I don’t want anything to do with her.” Taehyung says and he eyes his father, smiling.

“I don’t think you remember. But once I found a job that actually paid me well, I sent some money to Hana to help her with you since I knew that piece of shit was spending all his money on God knows what. And sometimes, when he wasn’t home, I came over. I watched you sleep so many times between Hana’s arms. Sometimes you and Jeongguk — Is it his name? — slept on the same bed and they where the only nights you had a peaceful face while sleeping. When you were with him.” Sanghun says and smiles at the memories, tightening the grip on his glass.

Taehyung knows that. He always had trouble sleeping, sometimes he couldn’t sleep at all. But when Jeongguk came over or he went over to Jeongguk’s house, they were the only nights he could fall asleep. Maybe he felt safe between Jeongguk’s arms since he was a kid. 

“I would’ve loved if you’d came when I was conscious, though. I just feel like we missed so much. I watch you being a dad with Danbi and Hwan and I question myself why couldn’t I have it, too? Why did I have to suffer like this? Why couldn’t I have a loving Dad from the start? I know—I know it’s not your fault, that you were struggling but—I wish you could’ve been there for me, too..” Taehyung says, sniffing. He brings his hands on his face and rubs his eyes, wiping the tears coming out. “I wish you never left me alone with Hana. I wish we could’ve been a loving family from the start. That you could take care of us. But—I understand why you had to do it. Just— Don’t leave me again, please.” Taehyung begs. “Please.”

Sanghun wipes his own tears and stands up, lowering in front of Taehyung, taking his hands in his. “I can’t even imagine how all of this makes you feel and I’m so sorry, son, for how bad things have gone to you. I’m incredibly sorry I wasn’t there to protect you from all of this and most of all —” Sanghun says, searching Taehyung’s eyes and he doesn’t speak until Taehyung looks at him. “I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry I made you feel unloved. I’m mortified. I fucked real bad and I wish I could’ve been a better Dad for you. I know it’s hard for you but I’m here to give you all the love I have for you that I never had the chance to give you. I hope you can forgive me someday.” Sanghun says and Taehyung nods, looking at his Dad. 

He looks at him for a while, memorizing every detail of his face like he can’t believe he’s here. Sanghun is his Dad. And he’s here, in front of Taehyung. 

“Appa,” Taehyung says, his voice trembling. The tears rolls out without him noticing, he takes a deep breath and asks his Dad, “Can you please hug me?”

And at this moment neither Taehyung or Sanghun care if they’re crying, they don’t address it and the moment Taehyung stands up, Sanghun does too. He’s like five or six centimeters taller than Taehyung and he smiles when Sanghun takes him between his arms. Taehyung goes for Sanghun’s middle and he hugs him back, his head on Sanghun’s chest.

“I love you so much, son.”

Taehyung closes his eyes and smiles.

—

taehyung:
hi, dahye :)
i’m sorry if i’m bothering you

dahye:
Taehyung?
No you’re not!

taehyung:
are you free next week?
my mom wants to see you
she already booked two tickets 

dahye:
Oh?
Is it safe if I come to you?

Dahye knows?

taehyung:
yes, it’s safe :) don’t worry about it
 i want to ask you something 

dahye:
Go on

taehyung:
can you try and convince jeongguk to come?
as i said my mom booked two tickets but i’m not sure if jeongguk wants to come or not.. and i need to talk to him, eomeoni, i desperately need to
 please

dahye:
I’ll try my best, Taehyung. I can only imagine how much you’re hurting but Jeongguk is hurting, too.
Please take care of each other if he decides to come, okay?

taehyung:
i know. i’ll try my best, too.
thank you so much.

dahye:
It’s nothing. Take care, alright? I love you 

taehyung:
i love you too

—

When Taehyung sees Dahye and Jeongguk at the airport he swears his heart fucking stops beating. Jeongguk let his hair grow out a lot, his bangs a little over his eyes and a mullet has grown on Jeongguk’s nape.

Dahye is the first one to walk towards him and she hugs him tightly, whispering to his ear: I brought him to you. Please take care of him and don’t break each other’s heart. 

Taehyung nods and smiles at her. His smiles grow more when Dahye tells him she’s expecting, his hand automatically going to her baby dump, caressing it. 

Then Taehyung sees Jeongguk walking towards them and he doesn’t know how to breathe anymore. It’s been almost a year since they broke up but it seems like Jeongguk matured a lot, his baby face not-so-baby-face anymore. He’s so pretty and Taehyung really struggles to find a way to breathe again.

When Jeongguk is closer enough, Taehyung lets his heart guide him towards the one who has always been the owner. He doesn’t need to, since they’re tall just the same, but he lifts himself on his tiptoes and circles Jeongguk’s neck with his arms, tightening his grip. After some instance of hesitation, Jeongguk hugs him back and Taehyung feels Jeongguk’s lips grazing his temple and not even God knows how much he missed the feeling of Jeongguk’s lips.

When they get into the car, Taehyung informs them that Jaehyun will be with them for some days and Dahye tells him that’s okay, but Taehyung doesn’t miss the hurt on Jeongguk’s face at the mere mention of Jaehyun.

He really wants to tell him everything, to let him understand why he did the things he did but right now it’s not the time and Taehyung knows it.

His father is helping him collecting all the evidences from Jaehyun’s house and some of the evidence Dohyung wasn’t careful enough to clear. Once this nightmare is over, Taehyung’s gonna tell Jeongguk everything.

After they eat, Hana and Dahye take Danbi and Hwan out for a walk and Taehyung is really, really scared something is going to go wrong. But they installed some cameras to have more evidence in case Jaehyun does something.

He hates the look on Jeongguk’s face as he clearly watches Taehyung suffer from the grip Jaehyun has on him. 

*** 

At some point Jeongguk leaves for the bathroom when Jaehyun stands up and takes Taehyung to the nearest wall, slamming him onto it and pressing his head on it, hard. Taehyung keeps silent, doesn’t know what to say or do when Jaehyun literally takes a pocket sized knife from his back pocket and points it on Taehyung’s throat.

“I don’t think you’ve really seen me when I’m mad, have you, little whore?” Jaehyun asks, chuckling when he feels Taehyung trembling under his grip. “You make me feel so powerful when you’re like this. How much money do you think I’ll get if I accidentally leak the footage of you getting fucked real good? South Korean’s painter,” Jaehyun says, chuckling. “Vante, our beloved Vante, involved in a sex scandal. And what if I leak to the media you’ve been a whore all your life, huh?” 

Taehyung doesn’t do anything. He just cries and hopes Jeongguk doesn’t see or hear any of this. 

“Your Dad is a fucking wise man. Sold his son’s body to men his age to make so much money out of you. He’s a fucking genius, isn’t he? What if I do that to? Selling your fantastic ass and gorgeous, gorgeous mouth to take and suck cocks all day, wouldn’t you like it?” Jaehyun says while his free hand grips Taehyung’s ass, pressing his hardening cock on it. His mouth coming in contact with the side of Taehyung’s neck.

It’s fucking disgusting. Taehyung is really going to throw up and he’s glad they installed cameras the moment Jaehyun texted him he was going to be in Paris the next day.

“Are you going to stop looking at him that way or what, huh? I’m your boyfriend, not him. I love you and you love me, isn’t that right?”

Taehyung shakes his head and he regrets it the moment the knife comes in contact with his throat, feeling the blood running down and his eyes widen.

“You love me, isn’t that right, princess?”

Taehyung nods and whispers it to Jaehyun, and the moment he hears Jeongguk steps Jaehyun leaves the grip on him and tells Taehyung to go to bathroom with discretion. He tries to, but Jeongguk follows him and looks at the blood coming down his throat. 

***

Taehyung brings his index to Jeongguk’s mouth and shakes his head, as to tell him to not say anything. Taehyung takes his wrist and brings Jeongguk to the bathroom, locking themselves in it.

“What the fuck?” Jeongguk whispers as he watches Taehyung’s throat and takes his face between his hands, caressing it. “Why are you letting him do that to you?” Jeongguk asks, his eyes never leaving Taehyung’s.

He’s the one who breaks the eye contact and Jeongguk sighs, taking the medical kit Taehyung has after he asks for it. He picks Taehyung up and sits him on the surface of the washing machine, taking everything he needs, disinfecting the cut, staying in that spot for longer than necessary and Taehyung can do anything if not looking at Jeongguk and regretting his choice. Regretting the time they didn’t spend together ‘cause of him.

“Why are you doing this? I don’t know what the fuck he told you but I saw everything. My heart fucking hurts to watch you like this. You’re not the Taehyung I used to know.” Jeongguk says and he can see some sparkling in his eyes. Not because he’s happy, but because he’s going to cry soon and it’s Taehyung’s fault.

“It’s gonna be over soon. Don’t worry about me.” 

“‘Don’t worry about me?’ That’s everything you have to say? Of course I’m gonna worry about you. You broke up with me without telling me a fucking thing about it, without discussing it with me. You—You cheated on me with Yoongi, I came here for you and I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch you suffer like this.” Jeongguk says, doing a bit of pressure on the pad, wiping the blood that rolled down his neck. “Do you think I believe you when you say you don’t love me anymore, Taehyung? You’re wrong. I know you still love me the same way I still love you. But you won’t admit it. I don’t know what the fuck happened but I can’t stand and watch how this motherfucker is ruining you.” Jeongguk says and by the time he finishes, Taehyung notices he is crying and his heart clenches. 

Taehyung brings his hand on Jeongguk’s nape, bringing him closer as he opens his legs to give him more access. Jeongguk tries not to come too close to Taehyung but as he circle his waist with his legs, Jeongguk puts his forehead on Taehyung’s shoulder and he brings him impossibly closer. “I know you’re gonna hate me for saying this but I need you to trust me.” Taehyung says, his lips grazing Jeongguk’s temple, his arms coming up to circle Taehyung’s waist. 

“I’ve been dealing with some bad shit since I was a child, Jeongguk. It’s not easy for me and all of it fucked me over. But,” Taehyung takes Jeongguk’s face between his hands, caressing his cheeks and leaving a kiss on his wet eyes. “I’m doing this for you. For us. But mostly for you. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you and I’m sorry I’m hurting you, but I couldn’t do otherwise.”

“There’s always some other ways to deal with things, Taehyung. You could’ve talked to me and we could’ve found a solution together.” Jeongguk says, looking at Taehyung and he’s scared of how close they are, but Taehyung doesn’t want Jeongguk to pull away. “You’re hurting the both of us this way.”

He knows Jaehyun is pacing on the hallway, waiting for Taehyung and Jeongguk to come out but he doesn’t give a fuck. 

“Trust me, we couldn’t. And I know I hurt both of us. But once all this shit over, I’ll tell you everything, alright?” 

Jeongguk nods and takes a bandage big enough to put on Taehyung’s cut. He caresses his neck and looks at it, there’s something in his look that Taehyung doesn’t know how to read. “I saw the moment he did this to you but I figured that if I came closer things could’ve gotten worse. I’m sorry.” Jeongguk says and his thumb keeps caressing his neck, Taehyung watches him until his face hides in the crock of his neck, leaving a kiss on the bandage and Taehyung wishes he could feel Jeongguk’s lips on his again.

“You did the right thing. Thank you.”

Jeongguk chuckles as to say I can’t believe you but what Taehyung can’t believe is that Jeongguk arm brings him closer to him, his free hand on Taehyung’s cheek and suddenly, Jeongguk lips are on his and he can’t fucking believe he was the one who pushed Jeongguk away.

Taehyung sighs as he kisses Jeongguk back, his arms circling his neck. He knows that both of them are hurting, that both of them think that maybe this isn’t the right think to do but Taehyung thinks that they’re just doing what their heart is screaming at them to do and he’s glad Jeongguk kissed him first.

“Are you ever gonna be mine again?” Jeongguk asks once he breaks the kiss, their foreheads against each other’s, his eyes searching for Taehyung’s and he looks at him, caressing Jeongguk’s nape, playing with the hair there.

“I’ve always been yours and I will forever be.”

—

“So, Vante-ssi,” a fellow Korean journalist calls him. Taehyung has just finished a photo shooting. He’s going to be the cover of Elle Magazine this August. “First of all, congratulations on your last achievement. I heard your art exhibition went very well, money wise too.” She says and Taehyung bows as a thank you and hums.

”How are you going to utilize the money you managed to get?”

“Thank you,” Taehyung says, smiling at her. “I’m going to donate all the money we managed to get to some orphanages in South Korea.” He says, his heart clenching. He misses home. “I want it to be as clear as possible : I’ll not get a single dollar out of it. I want to be able to give kids out there some type of comfort.” Taehyung nods at his words and smiles when she tells him how humble he is.

“That’s very sweet coming from you, Vante-ssi.” Dami Kim, the journalist interviewing him, says. “I heard you’re coming back to South Korea to give these kids something, is that right?” 

Taehyung hums. “You heard it right,” He smiles. “I talk about it a lot and you can really tell that anything that has to do something with kids is very close to my heart.” He says, taking the bottle of water next to him and excuses himself to take some sip out of the bottle. “I can’t really wrap my head about why so many couples have children if they’re going to abandon them, you know? Defenseless kids that don’t have a say about it because they’re just it: kids.” He stops and takes some more sip of water. Then takes a long breath and continues to talk. 

“It emotionally hurts me to know that so many kids out there don’t have a family or someone who can take care of them.” Taehyung says, his hand coming to play with the hair tie around his wrist. Then keeps talking. “I’m glad there are people who manage to take care of them on behalf of their parents but.. it’s not the same. It just isn’t and I want to give them an opportunity to try and paint what they feel on a white canvas. Kids have so much imagination and they’re so artistic in their own way that I can’t wait to see them being themselves and try something new. It means a lot to me.” 

Dami smiles and nods at his words. “I think I get what you’re saying and I’m just in awe. I get why you’re the talk of town and why people respects you a lot.” She says. “And I respect you a lot, Vante-ssi.”

Taehyung bows and places his hand on his heart, thanking her again. 

“Can you tell us what inspired most of your pieces?” Dami asks, still writing what Taehyung had answered so he takes his time to reply and he only does when he’s sure Dami’s on track with him. 

“A lot of things, to say the truth.” Taehyung says, clearing his voice. He keeps playing with the hair tie wrapped around his wrist. It was Jeongguk’s hair tie. He smiles shyly at Dami and keeps talking. “There are six stars hanging from the ceiling of my heart. Each one of them shines brightly and they are the only thing that keep me going.” Taehyung says, teeth coming in contact with the flash of his lips, biting on it to keep himself from crying. “My main inspiration are them. The beautiful times we spent together. The love they taught me. I tried to paint our story. Seven broken souls who found their home in each other’s arms.” Taehyung says and he doesn’t realize tears are streaming down his face until Dami passes him a tissue, smiling at him. 

“That’s really moving, Vante-ssi. I’m sure your people cherishes you a lot,” She says, writing down Taehyung’s answer and he smiles shyly. 

He really hopes they do. He hopes they miss him just as much as Taehyung misses them. He hopes Jeongguk is thinking about him and he’s missing him just as much as Taehyung does. After what happened between the two of them last month, Taehyung finds it difficult to think about anything else.

Taehyung knows that what they have done should’ve happened. He literally put himself in danger if Jaehyun ever finds out that Taehyung slept with Jeongguk behind his back. He knows what they’ve done is wrong but Taehyung is glad that happened.

They needed each other and they know that they are the only ones they will ever show their vulnerability to. And Taehyung’s heart fucking break into million pieces all over again the moment Jeongguk cried while Taehyung was making love to him. Or sex, as Jeongguk asked it to be called. But both of them know that it is never sex between them.

And it brought him back to their last time. Taehyung misses Jeongguk so much.

“All your pieces are really beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time,” Dami says and Taehyung hums. “And if I had to pick only one, I’d chose this one.” Dami says and points at the picture of the piece she’s talking about. 

The colors of purple, pink, orange and blue mends together to form the very first sunset he and Jeongguk shared as a couple, the sun setting down over the horizon and two people made of lines in the middle of it, one in the embrace of the other’s. Taehyung’s head thrown back on Jeongguk’s shoulder, his arms around Taehyung’s body. Taehyung’s head turned a little towards Jeongguk, smiling like an idiot at Jeongguk point out something he didn’t really listen to. Too enamored of the man beside him that in that moment nothing mattered more if not making sure that what Taehyung had was real. If his heart beating like crazy was any confirmation, then it was real.

“Can you tell us what it represents and why you titled it ‘As Long As I’m With You, Don’t Ever Wish To Be Loved’?” Dami asks, smiling at Taehyung as if she didn’t hit a point Taehyung wanted to avoid. 

“Well,” Taehyung clear his throat, starting to play again with the hair tie on his wrist. “I had a vision of two lovers. Both of them tried to heal each other’s broken heart. A heart that wasn’t broken by the other. They took care of each other’s heart for too long that at some point it wasn’t enough anymore. It didn’t matter how hard they tried. They knew it wasn’t enough. I visioned, umh,” He coughs, taking a sip of water. “One of their first and last moments together. The title comes from one of my favorite flower.” Taehyung says, smiling and thinking about Jeongguk’s tattoo. “Tiger lilies. I really love them. Its meaning is, ‘Please Love Me’ and I just thought about having a lover and hoping that when they’re with me, they’d never have to wish to be loved because I already do.” 

Dami nodded while writing and smiled at Taehyung, her eyes shiny. “That’s really beautiful. Ah,” She says, sniffing. Taehyung smiles and gives her a tissue. “I’m sorry,” She says, wiping her tears. “It just resonates with me a lot. The situation. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s okay.” Taehyung smiles and she keeps praising his painting and the way Taehyung is able to give life to art. That not really anyone could move someone with just imagining the possible meaning of the portrait.

He whispered a thank you and the interview kept going for ten more minutes and then he thanked again Dami, taking her hand in a handshake, bowing to her and to all the staff that helped him with the shooting and then left with his manager, Wooshik and his two personal bodyguards: Hyungsik and Sunghwan. 

Once he’s in the car that’s going to take him back to his place, Taehyung sighs and wipes the last few tears coming down. 

“Why don’t you fight for him back, Taehyung?” Hyungsik asks after some time spent in silence. Sunghwan shift his gaze between Hyungsik and Taehyung and elbows him. 

“He’s better off without me, hyung. I can’t give him what he needs.” 

“Jeongguk needs you just as much as you need him. It’s not that complicated and you know it.” Hyungsik says and sighs. “Look. I know it is complicated. But Jeongguk will never judge you for your past. He’ll never pity you. All he will do is blame himself because he’ll think that he didn’t notice and is his fault.”

Taehyung knows that Hyungsik is right. Actually, he hates that Hyungsik is right. Hearing all of it makes him feel worse, for not fighting enough to keep Jeongguk by his side. For not fighting for their love. Their relationship. For giving up on him. For sleeping with Jeongguk’s best friend. He hates himself so much for all of it. 

“Hyungsik got a point, kid.” Sunghwan says, looking at Taehyung. “I’ve never seen someone loving their lover as much as Jeongguk loved, and probably still loves, you. He will never blame you for what happened because none of it is your fault. You’ve put yourself in danger so many times just to protect your love and your relationship. To protect Jeongguk from all the bad that happened to you.”

Hyungsik nods and takes Taehyung’s hand between his and caresses the back of it with his thumb. “I know you’re afraid he will push you away, but he needs to know the truth, doesn’t he?”

Taehyung nods. “I’ll tell him the truth,” he says, nodding at his words. “When everything’s over and when I’m ready to let Jeongguk see how fucked up I really am.”

—

Taehyung returns to South Korea at the end of August. He visits as many orphanages he can in the times he’s here, meeting so many different kids and letting all of them tell Taehyung something about themselves. Some kids are really cheerful and loud, some others are quite and shy but Taehyung encourages all of the to express themselves as much as they can. 

Taehyung smiles when he sees the kids trying their best with their paintings, all of them really careful of what they’re drawing or painting and the story they want to tell.

Jiyoung’s story, though, makes Taehyung’s heart clench. She talks about it with no emotion in her voice, but Taehyung can feel the hurt she’s suppressing on her chest, her hands trembling. She’s thirteen. Her blood abandoned her when she was just a newborn, few days after she was in fact born. At age of five she’s been adopted for the first time, but the family who wanted her has been struggling a lot, both of her adoptive parents were alcoholics and they couldn’t really afford the expense of having a five year old daughter. After two months she returned to the orphanage. Then, at the age of seven, she’s been adopted again. Four months into her new family, social services took her away because there were denounces of child abuse from neighbors. Taehyung takes her hands as she speaks, encouraging her and telling her that she’s doing good, that she’s very brave and they’re all listening to what she has to say, that she isn’t alone.

Jiyoung tightens the grip on Taehyung’s hand as she gulps down some water and then she starts talking again. At the age of ten, Jiyoung has been adopted for the third time. She has been with them for two years, she finally thought that she found her family but then, the family’s son abused her multiple times: emotionally, verbally and sexually. She didn’t have no one to confide it but she was brave enough to call social services and tell them that she didn’t want to be with them anymore. So they look into it and found a way out for her. Jiyoung tells him that she doesn’t want a family anymore, that she’s gonna wait until she’s an adult to live her life on her own, find someone special enough and starting a family of her own when the time comes.

When Taehyung leaves, he makes sure to give Jiyoung the tightest of hugs and keeps her in his arms for a long time. “You’re so brave, Jiyoungie. I really hope you’ll find your special one. Live a good life, alright? What happened to you doesn’t define you, I promise.” He tells her and gives Jiyoung a kiss on the forehead, leaving her a small piece of paper with his number on it. “I look forward to know all of it. Take care.”

—

taehyung:
do you think it’s a good idea to come?

hobi:
yea!!!! why not? it’s just his birthday bro
that’s cool

taehyung:
but what if he doesn’t want to see me?

hobi:
stop with all these what ifs, tae. if you want to be here then be here
it’s not wrong of you

taehyung:
it’s gonna be all of us?

hobi:
no. yoongi hyung and namjoonie are not coming. and seokjin is busy with his filming so yeah, it’s just me, you and jimin

taehyung:
what?
didn’t they talk?

hobi:
yoongi left in the middle of the night after we celebrated his birthday, he doesn’t talk with anyone lately
we’re just glad namjoon is there with him
but no, they haven’t solved things

taehyung:
fuck.. i’m so sorry hyung. it’s my fault
i ruined our friendship group haven’t i?

hobi:
its not your fault tae. i just wish you’d talk to us and tell us what only yoongi knows. we’d never judge you for anything and you know it
i’m already planning something to let the seven of us spend some time together but it may take a while, even a whole year or more than that

 taehyung:
i’ll tell you when i’m ready.. i’m just trying to get justice and it may take some time, too.
 i wish all of us can meet when all this is over. then i’ll tell you everything, i promise

hobi:
justice?

taehyung:
i’ll see you tomorrow night, then. have a good night hyung :)

—

And so Taehyung goes. No one other than Hoseok knows he is going. He thought that maybe, after the last time Taehyung and Jeongguk saw each other, things could’ve been different. Taehyung thinks that Jeongguk regrets having sex with him if Jeongguk ignoring him the next days they were together is anything to go by. 

He just wants to talk to him about it, telling him that even if Jeongguk does regret it, Taehyung doesn’t. Taehyung wants to tell Jeongguk that even if it’s been a year since he broke up with him, he still loves him very much. Just like the very first day. He wants to be selfish enough and ask Jeongguk to wait for him, whatever it takes. He wants to dance with Jeongguk and kiss him the moment the clock stops at midnight. 

Taehyung wishes he could still love Jeongguk the same way as before, without lies. He wants Jeongguk to know the truth and he can’t wait for the trial to be over. His dad said it could take a long time since the evidences are a lot and they have to go through all of it. But Sanghun promised him that Taehyung will get his justice and Taehyung trusts him.

Hoseok meets him outside the club they decided to go. He’s glad Hoseok let him know that they were going to celebrate Jeongguk’s birthday. Taehyung doesn’t really expect anything, he just wants to see Jeongguk and talk to him if the opportunity comes.

When Hoseok brings him to their table, though, Taehyung’s heart sinks. Jeongguk is beautiful as ever, he trimmed his hair a bit and has new ear piercings and a double ring lip, too. He wears a sleeveless shirt tucked in his black baggy jeans, his arm now a full sleeve of tattoos.

And Taehyung wishes that was the reason for his heart sinking. But no, of course there is always gonna be something that hurts him. It seems like the universe doesn’t want him to be happy and that sucks because for the first time in a while, Taehyung was feeling happy, and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

As he feels Hoseok’s eyes on him, Taehyung can tell that even Hoseok doesn’t know what to say or what to do.

Even if it hurts, Taehyung can’t tear his gaze away. His eyes are glued to Jeongguk and Jimin making out in front of him, his best friend on his ex boyfriend’s lap, Jeongguk’s arms around his waist and Jimin’s hands holding Jeongguk’s face.

They’re bot smiling as they kiss each other.

He doesn’t even realize he stars crying until Hoseok clears his voice and he turns his back to Jimin and Jeongguk, wiping his tears and taking a deep breath. He turns around and just smiles. He sees Jeongguk and Jimin’s panicked eyes and he lowers his gaze.

“Taehyungie,” Jimin whispers and Taehyung chuckles as he stands up from Jeongguk’s lap and tries to come closer to him, but Jeongguk takes his wrist and Jimin stills. 

Is that how it is? Is Taehyung gonna watch his ex-boyfriend and his best friend fall for each other?

Jeongguk’s cold gaze is what hurts the most, though. What did Taehyung do to deserve this?

“Don’t say anything, Jimin. Just don’t promise me things if you can’t keep your word.” 

“Says you?” Jeongguk chuckles and shakes his head, looking at him. “How bold of you to say something like this when you’re the one who never kept his words.” Jeongguk says and Taehyung doesn’t know how to respond. 

If Jeongguk knew, probably he wouldn’t talk like that. 

“Jeongguk,” Jimin says, turning his head towards him. “Don’t.”

Jeongguk ignores Jimin and keeps talking. “Why are you here?” He asks. His voice is so distant and Taehyung hates it.

He feels like throwing up.

“I wanted to be here for you birthday.” 

Jeongguk looks at him, one eyebrow up. “I don’t recall inviting you, though.” 

At that, Taehyung’s breath gets caught and he doesn’t know how to breathe anymore. He’s trying his best but he can’t fucking breath. His heart hurts. His head hurts. He is physically hurting and Jeongguk doesn’t care. From being the one who healed his heart, to being the one stepping on it for one mistake Taehyung made. 

“You’re just being mean now, Jeongguk. Stop it.” Hoseok says and he put his arms around Taehyung’s waist. 

“Pay attention, hyung. Taehyung might be the one to ruin your relationship with Seokjin.” Jeongguk says and he stands up and takes Jimin by the hand, intertwining their fingers and going somewhere else.

Taehyung’s legs are giving up on him, but Hoseok is keeping him steady as he brings him outside, letting Taehyung calm down. He caresses his back, Taehyung’s forehead on his shoulder. “I’m going back to Paris. Sorry I disturbed you. I shouldn’t have come at all.” 

“I’m sorry, Tae. I don’t know why he’s behaving like this.” Hoseok says as he keeps Taehyung between his arms, calming him down.

“Don’t apologize. Go and have fun,” Taehyung says and he breaks the hug, texting Hyungsik and telling him that he wants to go back asap.

Hoseok seems to linger by his side for a bit longer, then he gives him a kiss on the temple and sighs, going back to the club.

Taehyung tries his best to keep his cool until Hoseok goes in side, then, he crumples on the ground. Warm tears streaming down his face as he holds a hand on his heart, wishing he could stop all the hurting. 

Taehyung doesn’t dare closing his eyes, he doesn’t want them kissing again flashing before his eyes. He hears a ding coming from his phone and thinking it could be Hyungsik, he unlock his phone and clicks on his KakaoTalk app, his chats coming up. He holds his breath as he sees three texts from Jeongguk.

He opens the chat and nothings could’ve prepared Taehyung to what he’s seeing and reading. 

Jeongguk sent Taehyung a photo of him and Jimin kissing.

jeongguk:
[photo]
we don’t owe each other anything. not anymore. i hope you have a good life but please dont act like you have any right of doing the things you do. i’m tired and i just know i can’t fight for us anymore. it really ends here, taehyung. and one more thing: dont be mad at jimin hyung, don’t blame him, i’m the one who started it.
good luck with everything in life, hyung. i hope you find your happiness and peace. take care :)

Chapter Text

It all starts with ups and downs. He doesn’t really know how he turns into what he’s living as of now, but surely he doesn’t like what he’s becoming, neither what he does to people he loves. He guesses that the trauma of being abandoned is what, to this day, triggers him the most. When all of them started to go their separate ways after everything that happened between him and Yoongi, Jeongguk thought that they were siding with him and leaving him behind, just like his own father did, like Dahye did when she gave birth to him, like Taehyung did a year and a half ago.

Because no matter how much love he gives people, they’re always going to abandon him. One way or another.

Jeongguk still thinks he’s the reason why their friendship group doesn’t work out anymore. They don’t really see each other anymore, expect for Jimin and Hoseok.

They’re the only ones who stuck with him.

He tries his best not to show them how fucked up he got, again. It became worse when Jaehyun and some older man showed up at his apartment when he was alone. 

Jeongguk hasn’t seen Taehyung’s stepdad a lot when they were children. That’s because he’s gone to his house only when said person wasn’t present until he didn’t visit Taehyung’s house anymore, so he isn’t really accustomed to his face. Now, though, he is not only accustomed to his face but to his hands and his fists landing on his face. The man had the balls to visit him many times because he thought Jeongguk was hiding Taehyung and he didn’t really understood half of the things he told him. He was never lucid when the man came over. He got a scar on his left shoulder because one time he tried to defend himself, but that’s alright. As long as Taehyung doesn’t find out, Jeongguk is going to be okay.

He feels his hand coming closer to his face when, “Need hyung to distract you from your thoughts, baby?” Jimin asks as he leans towards Jeongguk, caressing his cheek and locking gaze with him. “You know you can ask me anytime.” Jimin tangles their legs together, stroking Jeongguk’s nose with his own, Jimin’s lips grazing Jeongguk’s. 

Jimin has been here all along. He doesn’t know what happened with Jaehyun and Taehyung’s stepdad and he isn’t going to tell him. Jeongguk, though, can tell Jimin suspects something happened or is happening to him but doesn’t mention anything to Jeongguk, because he knows Jimin wants him to go and talk to him but what can he tell him, really? Jeongguk doesn’t understand either what is happening to him. He just knows that he’s tired of hurting, although there has been so many beautiful memories with Taehyung, Jeongguk thinks that both of them have suffered so much throughout their four-years-long relationship. They’ve both hurt each other, maybe one of them hurt the other more and the other hurt one of them less, but still; they suffered a lot. 

Maybe they weren’t ready to dedicate themselves to each other. Maybe they weren’t really ready to give each other so much love that both of them didn’t know how to handle it with care. Something so precious is meant to be taken care of, to let it be alive, to try and never let it die. But Jeongguk watched it slipping through his fingers way too many times.

“I don’t want you to think I’m using you,” Jeongguk says, closing his eyes. He lets Jimin do whatever he wants to him, because right now he’s the one who probably understands Jeongguk the most and he is mad at himself. It’s his fault if Taehyung and Jimin don’t talk anymore, after all. All of that because he can’t fucking think straight for once in his life and has to hurt everyone. Even the one he loves the most. 

“You know I don’t,” Jimin whispers, attaching his lips to Jeongguk’s, letting their mouths move slowly, together. Jeongguk parts Jimin’s lips with his tongue but Jimin bites it, keeping the kiss slow, just tasting each other and Jeongguk chuckles. After a while Jeongguk asks for permission by tapping his tongue on Jimin’s lower lip and Jimin grants him, letting their tongues tangle together this time. The kiss becomes more heated by the time Jimin is on top of Jeongguk, a low moan escapes his mouth when Jimin starts straddling his lap by moving his hips with a slow rhythm, his lips moving along Jeongguk’s neck and his hands coming up to Jimin’s hips, keeping him steady. 

“My neighbors are gonna hate us so much,” Jeongguk chuckles, shifting position as he is now on top of Jimin, looking at him. Not always, but sometimes when Jeongguk looks at Jimin underneath him, he still thinks about Taehyung, how bad he misses him, how bad he wishes things were different. But he knows that for the sake of both of them, he has to let Taehyung go free. He has to let someone other than him have the opportunity to love him and give him everything Jeongguk could never give him. He can’t keep pleading him to come back to him if that’s not going to happen.

Fate stepped in a long time ago and separated the two of them.

“How can you chuckle and two seconds later cry?” Jimin asks, compassion in his eyes as he strokes Jeongguk’s cheek, wiping his tears. “It’s no use hurting alone, Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin whispers, one hand slipping on Jeongguk’s nape, bringing him down as he looks at him, still caressing his cheek. 

“I’m sorry.” Jeongguk whispers, leaning down on Jimin and kissing him, slowly, trying to seek comfort in him. “Hyung,” 

“Yeah?” Jimin replies between kisses and Jeongguk needs to desperately forget the night Taehyung made love to him. After that night, he didn’t let anyone topping him because he wanted to hold onto it, the memory of Taehyung making love to him like nothing ever happened, the memory of Taehyung telling him that he still does love him.

He needs to forget the night of his birthday, the hurtful look on his face, the way Jeongguk broke his heart by sending him that massage.

He still thinks it should’ve ended sooner.

They’ve hurt each other a lot and it isn’t really fair to the both of them to still hope for a happy ending for their relationship. They’ve basically become strangers. Jeongguk doesn’t know his Taehyung anymore. His Taehyung doesn’t exist anymore. They’ve grown up, they’ve changed. Nothing is the same as before. Jeongguk is 25 and Taehyung is almost 27, they’re not 19 and 21 anymore.

“What’s on your mind, baby?” Jimin asks him, breaking off the kiss, looking very concerned right now but Jeongguk doesn’t want him to worry. He can’t bring Jimin down with him, he cannot. 

“Hyung,” Jeongguk repeats, emphasizing it, looking at Jimin. “Can you fuck me tonight?” 

Jimin looks at him, holding his face with his hands. He caresses Jeongguk’s cheek, wiping his tears and nods. Jimin brings Jeongguk’s face down and let their lips slot together, their mouth moving in a slow rhythm as Jimin shifts their position, again on top of Jeongguk as he keeps kissing him, slowly, his hands still holding his face and Jeongguk melts at his touch, not because he has feelings for Jimin, but a lot of time passed since someone cared for him in mid-fucking and he’s just emotional.

“What makes you so sad?” Jimin asks as he brings his lips on his neck, starting to leave a trial of wet kisses and stopping for a bit, just to start sucking a particular delicate spot. 

“Me.” Jeongguk whispers, tangling his hand between Jimin’s hair, tugging at it when Jimin starts sucking harder, starting to leave a mark on it. “I’m the one who makes myself miserable.”

Jimin stills and tries not to show it to Jeongguk, but he knows that Jimin knows better and doesn’t say anything, he just brings a hand exactly where his heart lies, caressing it. Jeongguk’s eyes instinctively start to brim with tears because of fucking course it has to remind him of Taehyung.

“Let’s forget about it for a bit, shall we?” Jimin asks as he looks up at Jeongguk, smiling at him, then lowering himself to leave a kiss on Jeongguk’s heart, starting to leave a trial of wet kisses on his chest, on his stomach, on his hips. 

The moment Jimin’s lips wrap around Jeongguk’s cock, a moan escapes from his mouth and his hand tightens the grip on Jimin’s hair, pulling. Jimin moans the moment he does so, his tongue starts playing with the head of Jeongguk’s cock, it gets messy the moment Jimin sucks and pops off his cock, returning back at it and repeating it all until Jeongguk is close.

“Are you sure you want it, Jeongguk?” Jimin asks, coming up to look at Jeongguk’s face and he just nods, bringing Jimin’s face down and kisses him, letting their lips dance together as their bodies tangle, feeling the warmth of each other’s. 

“I do,” Jeongguk whispers on his lips, stroking their noses together. “I want you, hyung,”

Jimin nods and yelps when Jeongguk shifts their position, bringing himself to Jimin’s lap as he starts kissing his exposed chest, leaving a trial of wet kisses on it and then proceeds to take in his mouth Jimin’s right nipple, sucking it as the other hands come to touch his left nipple, playing with it with his fingers. Then Jeongguk feels Jimin’s hands tangling between the strands of his hair and his moan is muffled when Jimin pulls them. 

“Jeongguk-ah?” Jimin calls out, his voice struggling to come out as he keeps panting and moaning the moment Jeongguk starts sucking harder his nipple, leaving the other alone and bringing his hand inside Jimin’s briefs. He hums, letting Jimin know that he’s listening to him even it he’s literally abusing his nipple, coming off of it with a loud pop and a moan escaping Jimin’s lips. 

“I want you to ride me.”

Jeongguk looks up and smirks, starting to play with his lip piercings, “Are you sure you can handle me, hyung?”

Jimin chuckles. “The real question, baby,” Jimin says, coming closer to him to take his lower lip with his teeth and pulling, “Is whether you can handle me or not,” 

After releasing his lip, Jimin smirks as he pulls Jeongguk down with him. Jeongguk meets Jimin’s lips halfway as they connect in a heated kiss, their tongues tangling together as soon as possible. As they keep kissing, Jeongguk slides again his tattooed hand inside Jimin’s briefs, wrapping his hand around his cock, starting to move it at a slow pace, up and down, his thumb teasing the head of Jimin’s dick.

“Fuck,” Jimin lets out, arching his back as Jeongguk keeps moving his hand and kisses his neck, “You’re so good with your hands.”

Jeongguk smirks and gazes up, “Not the only thing I’m good with,” He winks as he lowers himself, tugging at Jimin’s briefs, sliding them down till they’re on the floor, coming up just a bit to kiss Jimin’s abdomen, leaving a trial of open mouthed kisses until his lips comes in contact with his cock.

Jeongguk hums when he hears Jimin’s praises as he gives him head, it arouses him to hear his partner praises because it means he’s doing a good job at taking care of them. But the truth is that Jeongguk just loves to be praised, especially when it comes to sex.

“Wait,” Jimin says as he stretches himself to take the bottle of lube and a condom on the nightstand, returning to watch Jeongguk, standing in his elbows as he takes the lube.

“Open up for me, will you?”

Jeongguk smirks and he opens the bottle of lube and squishes it in his hands, warming it up before pressing his index finger against his rim, playing a bit with it before pushing it inside, slowly, as he looks at Jimin. He keeps opening himself up, pushing two more fingers in before telling Jimin he’s stretched enough.

Jimin nods and rips open the plastic wrap before slipping it on the length of his cock, looking at Jeongguk and nodding at it with his head as to say to Jeongguk that he can push himself down on it and can start riding him.

“Make hyung feel good, alright?”

“You’re never gonna want someone else to ride you after letting me.”

“You’re too full of shit,”

“Am I, though?” Jeongguk smirks as he aligns himself and sinks down Jimin’s cock, bottoming out a few times before getting accustomed to it, starting to move his hips slowly as he looks straight at Jimin’s eyes, maintaining the pace for a while before winking at him, a smirk on his face as he starts to move at a faster pace and sees Jimin struggling to keep himself up with his elbows.

“Told you,” Jeongguk moans as he keeps moving his hips, circling them as he pushes Jimin back, letting him lie down as he brings his hands on Jimin’s chest, keeping himself steady as he keeps pushing down until the tip of Jimin’s cock finds his spot. “No one will be this good while riding you,”

Jimin moans as Jeongguk keeps moving, letting Jimin’s cock hit his prostate as many times as possible, giving himself pleasure. Jimin then brings his hands on both sides of Jeongguk, keeping him steady as he stars moving and hitting Jeongguk’s spot at a faster pace, both of them coming not long after.

—

After they finish, Jeongguk suggests to take a shower together so they could talk or whatever.

Jimin is sitting on his lap as Jeongguk is lighting up a joint. 

He takes a few drags as Jimin looks at him before he takes the joint between his fingers and takes a drag, trying too hard not to cough and Jeongguk chuckles, explaining him how to drag the smoke in the right way and at the next attempt, Jimin doesn’t cough as much.

“Why the fuck do you smoke this shit?”

Jeongguk shrugs. “I just do it sometimes. Once I went partying with Mingyu and I met this girl, I don’t really remember her name but she’s the coolest girl I’ve ever met. Her body was covered in tattoos and she had piercings, like, so pretty,” He says as he tries to remember her name, taking a few more drags of smoke. “Sohee! Her name is Sohee. Both of us would like steal glances at each other until she came to me and offered me a smoke, so I accepted and we went on a park near the bar. I knew she wasn’t talking about cigarettes but I wanted to try it anyway so I did it with her.”

Jimin hums and nods. “It really tastes like shit, though.”

Jeongguk chuckles and remembers what Sohee told him when he told her the exact same thing. “I can make it taste batter for you,” He repeats her words. 

“And how, exactly?”

Jeongguk takes a long drag of the joint, his right hand coming up to the back of Jimin’s neck, pushing him down. Jimin seems to understand as he parts his lips the moment Jeongguk comes closer to him and the smoke comes out of his mouth, coming into Jimin’s as Jeongguk connect their lips in a kiss. They keep doing it until the joint burns out and they simply lie in bed, cuddling each other. 

Jeongguk is mindlessly drawing circles at a slow pace on the small of Jimin’s back, letting his hand move without minding it too much, grinning to himself when Jimin’s skin erupts in goosebumps. The air of mid February is chilly and they shouldn’t be covering their almost naked bodies with only sheets, but the warmth of each other’s bodies is enough to keep them both warm.

“Want to know a funny thing?” Jimin asks, leaving a kiss on Jeongguk’s chest and tilting his head up to look at him, a shy smile adorning his lips as Jeongguk looks down to look directly at him.

“What?” Jeongguk asks, resting now on his side to look at Jimin, his hand going up to Jimin’s hair, moving some strands of hair behind his ear. He smiles at Jimin, waiting for him to keep talking.

“When we were kids, I had like,” Jimin chuckles, “The biggest crush on you. I liked you so much that I was going to confess on your fifteenth’s birthday. And you rejecting me would have been the biggest heartbreak ever. I can’t believe how much I liked you myself.”

Jeongguk’s eyes go wide as he looks at Jimin giggling, cover his mouth with his hand and he finds himself wondering. What if he liked Jimin since the beginning? Would it have been different? Would Jimin have loved him better than Taehyung did? Would Jimin have kept to love him if something bad ever happened? Would Jimin have talked to him instead of leaving him behind? Would they have found a solution together? Would his heart have want to keep beating for Jimin? Maybe falling in love with Jimin would’ve been different, maybe Jimin would’ve loved him better and maybe.. Jeongguk wouldn’t suffer like he did and still does.

And yes, maybe it would’ve been different. But Jimin isn’t Taehyung and Jeongguk would do it all again if he could have a second chance at loving Taehyung. But he can’t. He’s going to treat him with indifference, he’s going to let Taehyung hate him and find someone else who’s capable of giving Taehyung the love Jeongguk can’t give him anymore. Of course it hurts to think about Taehyung being happy with someone else, but they can’t keep hurting each other in the midst of trying again.

Jeongguk has had enough of suffering. He doesn’t necessarily need someone to love or someone to give his love to him. Jeongguk doesn’t want to love again if the person next to him hasn’t the boxy smile he’s still so fond of.

“I looked awful at fifteen,” Jeongguk snorts as he looks at Jimin and he just shrugs, smiling at him. 

“You did. But still.”

“How bold of you to agree with me without talking about yourself at that time. Seventeen wasn’t your best shot.”

Jimin laughs and Jeongguk smiles. “Maybe I looked awful too, but—”

“Maybe?! Do a favor to humanity and be serious right now, hyung.”

“Shut up, dickhead.” 

Jeongguk smiles again. He feels like it’s been forever since he gave someone a sincere smile and when he looks down at Jimin, he can tell that Jimin is thinking the same thing. 

After quite sometime spent in silence, Jimin speaks again. “Jeongguk-ah,” He says quietly, looking at him as he takes a deep breath.

He hums, listening to what Jimin has to say. “What we’re doing is wrong in so many ways. Especially from me. Taehyung is my best friend and I should have never slept with his ex-boyfriend. I shouldn’t have kissed you at Yoongi’s birthday and—”

“I kissed you first, hyung. Don’t blame yourself.” Jeongguk interrupts him.

“Taehyung is going to blame me anyway. Let me—”

“The night of my birthday,” Jeongguk interrupts him again, “I took a photo of us kissing and sent it to him. I told him to not think about blaming you because I was the one who started it and you know that’s the truth.” Jeongguk says, taking Jimin’s face between his hands. “From the first kiss we shared, to the first time we slept together, to this very moment. I started it.”

Jimin closes his eyes and suddenly he stands up in a sitting position, turning his body towards Jeongguk as he sits up, too.

“Hyung? What’s wrong?”

“Jeongguk,” Jimin says, slowly, taking Jeongguk’s hands. “Let me talk, yeah?” Jimin asks and Jeongguk nods, looking at him.

“From Taehyung’s perspective, it is my fault.” Jimin says, looking at their hands. He takes a deep breath and then, “When he broke up with you, the same night you came to me crying..” He stops, looking a Jeongguk. “He called me after you fell asleep. He told me what happened between you two. He asked me to take care of your heart. Do you understand why he thinks it is my fault? Do you understand why he didn’t want to talk to me that night?”

“Yeah. I do get it. What I don’t get is what are you trying to tell me?”

Jimin curses under his breath, closes his eyes and takes a few breaths, then, “He told me that if we were ever to develop feelings for each other he would’ve understood it because he thinks I deserve you more than him. I told him that it was never gonna happen. And I guess seeing us at your birthday made him think about that conversation and it felt like some kind of betrayal coming from me.” Jimin finishes.

So it is true that Jeongguk was the only one trying to fight for them over and over again? Taehyung was ready to give Jeongguk away to someone else even before they got to see each other? Then why did Taehyung make love to him and why did Taehyung tell him that he fucking still loves him if it isn’t true? There are endless articles of him and people going out together, him being spotted with someone new almost every week and he got the guts to tell Jimin that he would be okay if they were ever to develop feelings for each other and then blaming him for not keeping his word? 

Jeongguk knows Jimin, he knows he’s scared of something that might be the turning point on his relationship with Taehyung.

“That’s not what you’re worried about, though.”

Jimin sighs, “I’m afraid that what I once felt for you is coming back and I can’t afford it. I still think a lot about Yoongi hyung and it might just be confusion but I can’t afford another heartbreak,” Jimin says and Jeongguk’s eyes widen for a moment, then he brings his hands to Jimin’s face, holding it. Jimin looks at him, shaking his head. “I can’t, Jeongguk. We have to stop, please. I don’t know what it is that I’m feeling but I can’t afford to fall in love with you knowing that you’re not ready to be in a relationship, I can’t afford to lose my best friend because I want to be selfish enough to feel something new,” Jimin takes a long breath and says, “I can’t afford to let Yoongi hyung go for good without giving a try for real. I’m so confused, do you understand why we need to stop here?”

“Why can’t we give it a try?” Jeongguk asks and, honestly, he doesn’t know why he does. He doesn’t know if he thinks of Jimin that way, he doesn’t really know anything, but would kill the both of them to try? 

“Baby,” Jimin calls him fondly, taking his face with his hands and looking at him, “We can’t. I once had feelings for you and I don’t want them to return. You never once had feelings for me and your heart still belongs to Taehyung like mine still belongs to Yoongi.”

“I never had, you’re right.” Jeongguk says, shifting himself from the mattress to Jimin’s lap, putting his forehead in the crock of Jimin’s neck. “But I could,” Jeongguk whispers, his lips starting to leave a trial of wet kisses on his neck. “I could, hyung. Give me a chance, huh?”

“Stop,” Jimin says, putting his hands on Jeongguk’s shoulders, trying to pull him away but Jeongguk keeps kissing his neck, sinks his teeth into a particular spot and starts to suck to leave a mark, “Stop.” Jimin repeats, firmly.

“Let me fall in love with you, hyung.” Jeongguk says, his eyes brimming with tears as he searches for Jimin’s lips but is met with Jimin’s head turned away from him. “Hyung, please.” Jeongguk pleads, “Teach me how to love again, please.”

“I will not, Jeongguk.” Jimin says, firmly. He still doesn’t meet Jeongguk’s eyes and he wants to scream because he feels like everything is slipping away from him, like he doesn’t deserve to love and to be loved again. Jeongguk feels like he’s losing Jimin, too.

“I can’t.”

“You can,” Jeongguk whispers, looking down while tears are still streaming down his face. He has no one, not even Jimin, to wipe his tears and tell him it’s gonna be alright. He has no one to tell him that he is enough. “You’re just choosing to leave me behind like everyone else does.” 

When Jeongguk is met with silence, he looks up at Jimin with fear in his eyes and his heart trembling. Is Jimin leaving him, too? Is he being abandoned once again? Will his heart ever going to stop breaking every fucking time someone leaves him behind? Is he ever going to accept that no one really wants him around? 

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

Jimin is still silent and Jeongguk just nods. “Of course.” Jeongguk chuckles, standing up and wearing his boxers, putting a t-shirt on as he urges himself to stop crying. 

“Leave, hyung.”

“What?”

“Leave me alone. I don’t want to be around you.”

“Jeongguk.”

Silence.

“Baby.”

Jeongguk chuckles. “You don’t get to call me the way Taehyung did.” He sniffs. “Leave. Abandon me like my father did. Abandon me like my mom did when she gave birth of me. Abandon me like Taehyung, Seokjin, Namjoon and Yoongi did. Go ahead. Hoseok is going to abandon me soon enough, isn’t he? Tell him to do it quickly. I’m not going to be a burden for all of you. Not anymore.”

“Don’t, Jeongguk.” Jimin says, firmly. “We’re not abandoning you. We’re just growing and all of us need some time apart. I just..” Jimin sighs, putting his clothes on and coming closer to him. “I feel like suffocating. I’ve been dealing with everything that happened with you without thinking about what I want and I just.. feel like I need some time alone.”

“You’ve been dealing with me? Wow.” Jeongguk chuckles, looking at Jimin. “Well, I’m sorry I’ve been such a nuisance for you all this time. I’m sorry I’m fucked up and I have no one who understands me nor cares. But you know what, hyung? I’m tired.”

“Baby..” Jimin tries to grasp his wrists but Jeongguk yanks his arm away.

“Fuck you.”

Jeongguk puts a pair of tracksuit and without letting Jimin notice, he takes what Mingyu got him and puts it inside the back pocket, leaving his room slamming the door shut behind him, leaving Jimin alone and wishing he could have the courage to leave this world for good.

—

When Hoseok left, too, he asked Jeongguk to meet somewhere but he couldn’t bring himself to say yet another goodbye, so he told Hoseok he was busy and couldn’t go. Jeongguk just wished him a good life, sure enough that none of his friends cared enough about him.

He understands why he isn’t contacted by Taehyung and Yoongi, of course he does. But Namjoon? Seokjin? Did all of them really abandon him for good?

He’s twenty five and he feels like he’s behaving like a fifteen year old. Maybe it’s his fault for this, too.

He pushed them away when Taehyung left. He ruined their friendship. He’s to blame. Not Taehyung. Not anyone. 

It’s Jeongguk’s fault.

And if he could turn back in time and do it all differently, if he could’ve just made sure to love Taehyung more or just in a better way, maybe Taehyung wouldn’t have cheated because he didn’t love Jeongguk anymore. Maybe they could still be in love and together. Maybe Jeongguk and Yoongi would’ve never fought each other, maybe Yoongi would’ve still been the brother Jeongguk never had. Maybe he just needed to love all of them better, if only Jeongguk did, no one would’ve abandoned him. 

As if it is on clue, Jeongguk hears various dings coming from his phone and his eyes widen the moment he takes his phone and reads the name of the sender.

yoongi hyung:
we need to talk. i’m coming to your friend’s studio
i know it is sudden but it is now or never

Jeongguk doesn’t know how to react to Yoongi’s messages. He isn’t used to read his name anymore and it’s the first time since Yoongi’s birthday. His hands trembles and his eyes are brimming with tears because he knows behind them there is so much fondness. Or at least, he hopes there still is.

Jeongguk misses Yoongi so much.

jeongguk:
i’ll wait for you

After replying to Yoongi, Jeongguk starts to work again on some commissions he has to complete for some costumers coming these days. He is too concentrated to hear the door being open or even the bells above it when someone enters in. 

“Jeongguk?”

His hand stills the moment Jeongguk hears Yoongi’s voice calling his name. He takes some deep breaths and takes his time to gaze up and meet his eyes, Jeongguk doesn’t know if he’s ready to talk, to really talk about what happened. He knows something broke between them and Jeongguk is eager to know what happened, if he’s at fault for this, too.

Jeongguk places his pencil next to his drawing, closing the book full of appointments. He takes his time to tidy up because he’s not sure if it’s okay for him to look at Yoongi without crying.

“If you’re done,” Yoongi starts, Jeongguk feels his eyes on him and suddenly he feels uneasy, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “Let’s go grab a bite. I just want to talk.”

Jeongguk nods and takes his jacket, putting it on. Then he gazes up and looks briefly at Yoongi, nodding towards the door as he takes his pair of keys. “After you.” 

Yoongi seems startled by Jeongguk’s voice so he just waits and gives him a small smile, sure enough that they’re being weird. They walk outside 97z Ink and after Jeongguk makes sure to lock the shop, he follows Yoongi in silence.

They’ve never been so weird with each other and Jeongguk understands why, he’s the one who punched Yoongi first. He’s the one who told Yoongi he’s always gonna be a mistake for Taehyung. They’ve hurt each other a lot. The punches they both threw at the other are nothing compared to the venom their words had when being spoken.

Once they arrive to a cafe next 97z Ink, they ask for a table and sit across each other. Neither one of them courageous enough to speak first, so they make a silent agreement to order first and talk once the food arrives. Just to have something to do while talking.

“How have you been?” Jeongguk asks first as he bows at the waiter to thank him. He takes his iced americano and hands Yoongi his black coffee. 

“I’m doing better,” Yoongi says and Jeongguk nods, humming.

“That’s good to know. How’s work?”

“Good.”

Jeongguk sighs and nods. He doesn’t say anything else, it’s clear that they’re not going to talk about their friendship so he just waits until Yoongi wants to speak.

They don’t look at each other, Jeongguk occupies himself playing with the hem of his shirt meanwhile Yoongi has his head down. Silence was never been something Jeongguk hated when it came to Yoongi but right now, he does. It’s uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry.” 

It’s the first thing Yoongi says after a while and Jeongguk doesn’t know if he should look at him or not. He doesn’t move, he just lets Yoongi say whatever he wants, he’s just going to listen. To understand him. Nothing more. 

“I’m sorry.” Yoongi repeats, his hands shaking as he holds his cup of black coffee “I lied to you. About me and Taehyung.” 

At the mere mention of Taehyung’s name, Jeongguk’s head snaps up and he stares at Yoongi. “About what?” Jeongguk asks, his voice trembling.

“You don’t even know how much bigger of all of us the situation is, but I want to tell you something. Not because I want you to forgive me.”

Jeongguk nods, humming. “Tell me, then.”

Yoongi nods and sighs. “I need you to let me talk or else I will never be able to say it. Just listen to me, please.” Yoongi says and he locks his gaze with Jeongguk’s for the first time. Jeongguk hands starts shaking but he nods nevertheless.

“I won’t blame you if you’ll hate me after this. I sort of hate you, too.”

Jeongguk feels like someone just took his heart out of his chest and threw it on the ground, stepping on it repeatedly. It hurts to know that Yoongi hates him. He doesn’t know what he has done, but he kind of expected it. Yoongi has always been nice to Jeongguk, he can’t say the contrary. But the moment they fought each other, Jeongguk could feel how much Yoongi meant every words he spitted out and every punch he landed on his face. 

Yoongi sighs. “I never had any feelings for Taehyung. I guess I just hated the idea of being left out and thought it meant something different. I thought I’ve been in love with him for all this time after you came along.” Yoongi says and Jeongguk doesn’t understand what he’s trying to tell him but he knows it’s gonna hurt.

Jeongguk has always admired Yoongi for how brave he is, for how strong he is but most importantly for the person he is. It’s true that Yoongi never opened up to Jeongguk, but he thinks they’re more similar than they ever thought they could be. 

“After you came along to our friendship group, I felt left out. We were always the six of us, we always talked about how it was always gonna be us and that we didn’t need no one else. It was just us and I felt like I’ve finally found my home, you know? But after you came, everyone’s attention was on you and I was struggling really bad at that time. No one noticed it because they were too busy making you feel at home, giving you attention. No one was caring about me. You kinda were the cause of it. It was your fault if no one even noticed I attempted many times.” 

Yoongi’s words are not even comparable to a stab right in the chest. They hurt, a lot. Jeongguk feels the urge to cry but he doesn’t think it is fair to cry in front of someone’s who has been your everything all this time telling you how much you ruined his life when you came along. It’s not right. And it’s not easy to digest being the reason why your best friend wanted to take his own life.

“One night Hoseok was going to be the one who would’ve found me dead if he came even a second later. He saved my life and I don’t even know if I’m grateful for that.” Yoongi says and stops, sipping his black coffee as Jeongguk lowers his head, playing with his fingers and try to focus on them, biting his lower lip to avoid crying. 

“I felt so jealous of you, and maybe I still am. Everyone would always give their attention to you and no one would ever look out for me. I’m not saying it because I thought he had feelings for me, but I hated the way Taehyung would look at you because he used to look at me the same exact way. He used to give me his attention, he never looked at someone that way and it made me feel special. Like I was actually someone important to him. But then, you came along our friendship group. Taehyung started talking no stop about you, he started looking at you like you were special and I hated it.”

Jeongguk gulps and keeps biting his lips, staring to feel the blood at some point but he doesn’t care. He has to call Mingyu afterwards and ask him if he has something he can bring to him. He has to make his heart fucking stop beating.

“Then you two started dating and I couldn’t look at you anymore without feeling like you ruined my life. You made me think every fucking time about how you have a loving family and I’m a fucking orphan. How you are so easy to love while I’m not. No one ever loves me, not sincerely, at least. How you have everything I don’t have.” Yoongi says and Jeongguk does feel his eyes on him, but he doesn’t want to look up.

Yoongi chuckles before asking, “Was it fun fucking Jimin behind my back, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk’s head snaps up as he looks at Yoongi with wide eyes. “You can hate me all you want,” Jeongguk says in a strangled voice, “But you have no right to speak to me like that when you fucked my boyfriend behind my back.”

Yoongi hands starts shaking violently when Jeongguk speaks and he doesn’t know why is that. Isn’t Yoongi the one who proudly told Jeongguk that Taehyung wanted Yoongi and not him?

“I started doing drugs for how bad all of it made me feel. Thinking that maybe it would mean to end up dead in some ways.” Yoongi decides to say, instead. And this time, Jeongguk’s hands are the ones shaking. “Until it got very bad. No one noticed, of course. But the day Taehyung left I was high. Way too much and I don’t really remember how much drugs I did or how much alcohol I had. I was wasted and when Taehyung came into my room I just started talking shit about you, telling him how I could love him better than you, how I could make him live a comfortable life with the money I had while you couldn’t. I wanted to hurt you. When I told you about how Taehyung wanted me as his last time, I thought it was just a lie I could use to hurt you and made you feel like I’ve been feeling all this years because of you.”

“I thought all the drugs and alcohol in my system made me hallucinate it. Only when Jimin talked with me about what happened I understood how bad it was. I never intended on hurting Taehyung, my target was you all along. And I know I’m hurting you and you’re gonna hate me after this but I want you to know I wasn’t myself and I know it can’t justify what I did. But I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk takes a deep breath and asks, “What did you do?” with a shaky voice, his hands trembling violently and his heart hurting. 

“I abused him.” Sexually goes unsaid. 

Jeongguk doesn’t know how to react. It’s like someone has been stabbing him in the chest repeatedly since Yoongi started talking but right now he feels numb, he hates himself for how bad he treated Taehyung when he found out he slept with Yoongi when in reality he didn’t want any of it. And he remembers what Taehyung did tell him, I just let him kiss me and fuck me like I’m just it because I couldn’t do otherwise. 

Many times Jeongguk wanted to ask him why sex was never easy for him, although when they happened to have it, Taehyung never seemed scared or like he didn’t want to, he always participated actively when they came to tangle their bodies like some abstract painting Taehyung would paint. What Taehyung told him the first night they talked outside Hana’s house wasn’t really clear and he can’t wrap his head around it, what he meant. He just wishes Taehyung could trust him more and tell him what happened. Or why he had to leave.

“Fuck,” Jeongguk slams his fist against the table, standing up and bending in half, hovering on the table, taking Yoongi by the collar of his jacket. “Tell me you’re fucking lying, Yoongi.”

“I would lie if I told you it isn’t true. I did and I hate myself for it. You can hate me all you want, I just wanted you to know because Taehyung doesn’t deserve you hurting him for what I did.”

“Don’t you think that what you did to him is hurting him more? You know something I fucking don’t and I can’t even imagine how bad it is,” Jeongguk says and he keeps holding Yoongi by the collar. “But why did you do it when you know what he’s been through?”

“I wasn’t in myself and I’m sorry. I already apologized to him and I’m going to rehab. And seeing someone I can talk to. I’m sorry.”

“Taehyung might look like he forgave you but it isn’t easy to digest for him.”

“I know. I’m always gonna be a mistake to him, right?” 

“I’m not forgiving you.”

“That’s okay. I don’t want you to.”

“I don’t hate you, hyung. But I fucking hate what you did to him.”

Yoongi nods. “I hate it, too.” He says, looking at Jeongguk. “I still hate you.”

Yoongi takes Jeongguk’s hands off him and goes towards the bartender, paying their orders and leaves Jeongguk alone. And he just sits back to his chair, taking his head between his hands, crying like he hasn’t done in a while. He doesn’t care about the stares he is getting, his chest is hurting and Jeongguk just wants to leave it all behind, to not be a burden for them anymore.

When Jeongguk’s getting ready to go out at almost 3AM, he takes his phone and opens his KakaoTalk history chat and scrolls until he finds Taehyung’s chat. He contemplates if it’s right doing so but he fights against his thoughts, opening his chat.

jeongguk:
i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to love you all along. hope you’re doing okay and find someone who’s worth your love and feels lucky to love you like i did. i was the happiest when we were together, hyung. thank you for giving my life a different color from the one i was accustomed to. have a nice life, darling :)

It’s going to be the last time Jeongguk texts him, anyway.

—

Jeongguk has always struggled with the idea of being left alone. It scares him. And he knows he has a lot of friends, he’s glad he has them. But sometimes, having so much friends makes him feel the loneliest person on earth. 

Jeongguk once read an article talking about how the IAU stripped Pluto of its planet status as it did not met one of the criteria that were used to define a full-size planet. After that, Pluto did not have its name anymore and it was reduced to a mere number that no one really bothers to remember. Even if it doesn’t have a name anymore, it still revolves around the sun.

And if his mind isn’t playing its tricks on him, Jeongguk recalls the love confession that Taehyung made five and a half year ago, referring himself as the sun and Jeongguk as his ocean. But Jeongguk doesn’t feel like he’s Taehyung’s ocean anymore, because even if the sun has left for quite some time now, it didn’t make its way back to his ocean. And Jeongguk doesn’t know how willing he is to keep waiting for Taehyung to come back to him.

Jeongguk doesn’t feel like an ocean anymore. Jeongguk doesn’t feel as beautiful as Taehyung made him feel when he compared him with the ocean. Jeongguk doesn’t feel as special as Taehyung made him feel since the day they met. Right now, given the situation he is in, he feels a lot like he is Pluto, a planet that isn’t considered as one, a mere number that no one bothers to remember. That’s why it stuck to him and decided to have it tattooed. 

134340.

He chose to have it tattooed to remember. He doesn’t think that reminding painful things is a bad thing, on the contrary, he hopes one day to look at it and feel grateful for the pain he felt, to feel grateful to have been strong enough to overcome all of it.

But right now, Jeongguk feels like this number, existing, but no one minding his existence. 

After reading about it, he tried to write some lyrics about what he’s been feeling since Taehyung left. He tried to write, write and write so many lyrics that could be explaining in the right way his emotions. If Namjoon, Hoseok or Yoongi would’ve been here, they’d help him with his struggles and Yoongi would be the most patient and supportive one, he would’ve been awake all night just to arrange a beat for Jeongguk to work on. 

He hates how things has turned between him and Yoongi. He hates to think that they’re complete strangers now when they used to be best friends. 

He doesn’t know how he ends up on the floor of 97z Ink, he doesn’t really want to know how much drugs he assumed in the last hours or why he keeps drinking if his stomach is literally burning, but he keeps going as he cries. 

Every time he thinks about happy memories he built along the way with his friends, he feels a pang to his chest. Jeongguk doesn’t understand how all of it has gone wrong or why it happened in the first place, he knows that they have gone their separate ways but Jeongguk doesn’t feel complete anymore. 

From being seven to being left alone. And he wants someone else to be guilty of it, just to ease his heart from the guiltiness that has been eating him alive for a long time. He wants to accuse someone else for his behavior but he knows he can’t. He’s at fault and now he deals with the consequences, even if it means being left alone. 

Well, he isn’t exactly alone. Jeongguk has Mingyu, Seokmin, Minghao. The usual customers who come by to get a new tattoo every other day who tries to engage in conversations with him, who tries to make him smile.

But having people around you doesn’t really mean you’re not alone.

Because Jeongguk is and he hates it. He hates to think about them in moments like these, he hates the fact that he’s not lucid enough to make out what he’s doing, he doesn’t know who is texting. He’s not even sure what time it is, surely dawn as he looks at the doors of 97z Ink and sees the first light of day coming out from the darkness.

Jeongguk wants to come out from the darkness, too. 

As he takes one last sip of whatever alcohol he’s drinking, his heart starts to race at a pace he isn’t really accustomed to, he tries to take deep breaths but the crazy beating of his heart doesn’t stop. He’s confused. Jeongguk doesn’t really know what’s happening, his vision blurry as he takes his phone and tries to search for Mingyu’s number and when he picks up he’s sure he called the right person.

“Mingyu-ah, head… hurts… I’m spinning around… I—”

“What? Jeongguk-ah?”

“How come this place is spinning so fast? I feel like throwing up.. I.. Head… My heart.. I’m—”

“Fuck! Fuck, Jeongguk-ah, where are you? Can you tell me?”

“Don’t… Uh… Tattoo.. Ink… I’m—”

“Are you at 97z Ink? Focus on my voice, Jeongguk. Am I right?”

“Mh.. Blurry.. Heart.. I— It hurts.. It doesn’t stop beating like crazy.. I— Don’t..”

“Jeongguk-ah, I’m almost there. Don’t move, try to stay awake. Take deep breaths, I’m coming to you, alright?”

“Am I dying, Mingyu-ssi?” 

“You’re not. Jeongguk, I just have to turn around the corner and I’m here. Stay awake and take deep breaths, okay? It’s alright.”

But Jeongguk is so confused that he doesn’t get everything Mingyu says over the phone, his heart still beating at an alarming pace and he’s starting to sweat a lot. He hears the doors of 97z Ink being opened and someone running to him, kneeling right in from of him and as Jeongguk looks up, head still spinning, he has to close his eyes, rub them and open them again. 

Is he really in front of Jeongguk?

“Taehyung?”

“Jeongguk, I need you to listen to me right now. Ambulance is on his way to get you, I think you’re having an overdose and if something happens to you I’ll never forgive myself. Please, try to focus on me and stay awake until the ambulance gets here.”

“When did you get back, hyung? Did you came back for me?”

“Jeongguk. Please. Focus on me, I’m Mingyu.”

“Where is my Taehyung? He’s here, isn’t he?”

“Take deep breaths, Jeongguk. You’re going to be alright.”

And that’s the only thing Jeongguk thinks to hear before all he sees is black. And Taehyung’s warm eyes looking at him.

—

They say that time can heal. Maybe that’s true, but Taehyung doesn’t necessarily think that that’s the truth. In most cases, it can, sure. But all the hurt he has been feeling for almost thirteen years? Not really. It is impossible. Time can’t heal the hurt he felt for most part of his life, much less six months. It isn’t enough time to heal a broken heart and Taehyung knows that batter than anyone. Twenty seven years on this earth and he still struggles to overcome his traumas. 

He knows he’s probably at fault for everything that happened. Maybe he’s at fault for what happened at Jeongguk’s birthday, too. Maybe he did something that triggered him and made him act that way, but Taehyung isn’t really sure if he deserved the way Jeongguk treated him back at his birthday party. Sure, Taehyung was the first to break Jeongguk’s heart and in the process of doing so, he broke his own, too. But being on the receiving end, being the one getting his heart broken, is a totally different story.

It’s the first time Jeongguk broke his heart.

Taehyung knows he shouldn’t have gone. He knows it too well. But the truth is that Taehyung’s heart was just too hopeful after that one kiss in the bathroom back to his family apartment, or after sleeping together.

Taehyung still thinks about him and still loves Jeongguk, but he’s been asking himself if is better if he just lets him go. 

Wouldn’t it be better? Jimin would finally have his chance with Jeongguk, the one Taehyung stole because he never had something to call his own, and calling Jeongguk his own has been the greatest gift he conceded himself. So he thinks it’s only fair if now Jeongguk gets to know another type of love, the kind that doesn’t have his name on it. Jimin has always been better than him and he doesn’t exclude the possibility of Jimin loving Jeongguk better than he could ever do or ever did.

Is he bitter that from all people it has to be his best friend? Kind of. Which is a lie, because he hates to think about them being in a relationship, whatever relationship it may be, or worst case scenario, in love. But Taehyung isn’t going to be selfish, he’s going to let Jeongguk go and find another type of love, even if it has Jimin’s name.

The heartbreak that came after leaving Jeongguk behind is the one time could never mend. Because they loved each other so fiercely, their love was so pure that it hurts to think it came down to a heartbreak instead. 

It isn’t easy to heal a broken heart but he’s doing better, though. Or well, he hopes.  

Hyojung is the kindest person he’s ever met, she understands when Taehyung throws a tantrum when they talk about something that still hurts him, she makes sure that Taehyung has calmed down before addressing the matter in a different way to let Taehyung talk about it. Hyojung doesn’t judge Taehyung when he cries or screams, she never makes him feel like he’s being childish and he’s glad. She’s been helping him for almost a year now, and although he has a long way to go, he’s glad to have someone who doesn’t really know him listen to him. 

“Taehyung-ah,” his hyung says, placing a cup of warm chocolate on the table and Taehyung smiles as he takes it, watching him sitting in front of him.

“Thanks, hyung,” Taehyung replies, smiling again. He wraps his hands around the cup, hoping to warm up his cold hands. “I’m happy to see you.”

“Me too, kid,” Seokjin says, smiling at him as he takes a sip of his black coffee, placing the cup on the table. “How are you doing?”

Taehyung sighs and looks down, his hands still wrapped around his cup of hot chocolate. He shrugs and meets Seokjin’s eyes, “Not good. I’m trying to get there, though.” He smiles.

“Hoseokie told me what happened,” Seokjin says, sipping his black coffee as Taehyung takes a sip of his hot chocolate, “And I’m sorry, Taehyung. I don’t want to justify Jeongguk’s behavior because he did treat you like shit,” He says, searching Taehyung’s gaze until Taehyung locks their gazes. “But it’s been a year and a half since you two broke up. He’s been struggling since then and he never got better, he was just trying so hard to show you that he could love you in a better way.”

“Hyung,” Taehyung whispers, “I didn’t broke up with him because he couldn’t love me the way I wanted. He has given me so much more than I could ever ask for. It’s not about our love.” 

“I know, Taehyung,” Seokjin replies, taking his hand and holding it on the table. “We never blamed you for how things ended between you two. We all know you’ve been struggling with something you can’t talk about and all we want is to see you get better. Doesn’t matter how much time it takes, but in the meantime, Taehyungie,” He says, calling his name fondly. 

“Why don’t you give yourself a chance to go on dates? I know you’re not seeing any of those people written in articles about you. I know it’s just media play from your agency, but why don’t you consider it?”

“I don’t know, hyung,” Taehyung says, sighing. He tightens the grip on Seokjin’s hands and recalls Hyojung advice of trying to open up to people, especially the ones around him. To make them understand him better, so he tries. “I could try. I know I could. But every time I try to sleep with someone, he’s the only one I see. I try to find even the smallest detail that can resemble Jeongguk. I hate it, because I know he’s moving on with Jimin but I just..” He takes a deep breath, it’s the first time he’s saying it out loud. “Hyung, I still love him. My heart aches for him. I want to try again with Jeongguk but he’s with Jimin now.”

Seokjin sighs and takes a sip of his coffee, letting his hand hold Taehyung’s. “They’re not,” Seokjin says, locking his gaze with him. “Together, I mean. They’re not.” 

Taehyung doesn’t know how he should feel about it. He doesn’t know how to react. The fact that they’re not together eases his heart, but to think about them fooling around.. It makes him want to throw up. 

“Doesn’t change the fact that they’re fooling around. Both me and Jeongguk aren’t ready to give our relationship a try.”

“I know. That’s why I’m suggesting you to go out with someone else. Tonight there is a VIP party for my first lead role, I tried to contact the rest but only Hoseok and Jimin are coming.” Seokjin says, his gaze dropping as he sighs and Taehyung feels guilty. “Come and see if there’s someone who sparkles your interest.”

Seokjin smiles so warmly at him but Taehyung doesn’t miss the lack of sparkles in his eyes. It’s so sad to see Seokjin like this, he’s always been the one who made sure none of them felt left out, he cares so much about each and every one of them and he hates himself a little more knowing it’s because of him that they’re not really a group anymore. So, “I’ll come,” Taehyung says, smiling at Seokjin. 

—

Hyungsik texts Taehyung about getting dinner together and offers a ride to Seokjin’s party so he gladly accepts, then asks Hyungsik if they can go back to his place after getting dinner because he has to change and he accepts.

He’s sincerely glad to have found good people who can manage him as an artist, but most importantly, he’s glad to have found friends in them. No once judges him for his past.

It’s not like Taehyung intentionally told them about his past. He didn’t. He doesn’t like having people around him who pity him for what he’s been through and it truly warms his heart that rather than judge him, his friends listened to him without saying their part. They just listened and made Taehyung feel worthy of other’s people love. And it was the first time he ever felt that with someone outside his friend group. 

After eating Taehyung thanks Hyungsik as he takes him home to change, it’s almost 8PM when Taehyung receives two texts messages. He takes his phone, unlocks it and open the KakaoTalk App, seeing that there are two messages from two different people.

yoongi hyung:
i saw jeongguk and i told him what i did to you. told him what i’ve already said to you and jimin and i just hope you can forgive me someday. hyung’s sorry.

jeongguk:
i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to love you all along. hope you’re doing okay and find someone who’s worth your love and feels lucky to love you like i did. i was the happiest when we were together, hyung. thank you for giving my life a different color from the one i was accustomed to. have a nice life, darling :)

—

So Taehyung goes. He isn't exactly excited to go, he knows he's gonna meet Jimin again and even if he misses his best friend a lot, he's not exactly ready to see him and having to deal with the image of him and Jeongguk kissing and doing whatever God knows about. He's going for Seokjin and because this night means a lot to him and because, well.. Taehyung wants to give himself a chance at falling for someone else. He knows that right now he doesn't deserve it or it is too soon, but Jeongguk is moving on, too, isn't he?

The venue is so pretty, in every corner of the room there are so many flowers and his eyes can’t tear their gaze away when he spots some tiger lilies. Exactly the ones he used to paint back in the days, the same shades as the one which Jeongguk got tattooed permanently on his forearm. He regrets leaving the way he did, he knows now that talking with him would've been different and a better choice, he knows. He wishes he could've stayed when Jeongguk was pleading him of not going anywhere, to not abandon him like he ended up doing, he wishes to go back in time and change all of it. Maybe, right now, rather than wishing to meet somebody who sparkles his interest, he should’ve been here with Jeongguk instead. But fate stepped between them a long time ago and they just accepted it. 

Jeongguk has Jimin now who’s taking care of his heart, in whatever way they're having, and Taehyung.. Well, he's going to find someone who's going to accept him as he is. And no, he's not implying that Jeongguk didn't accept him, he just wishes to find another kind of love because what they had was just too precious to have it with someone else.

Taehyung just wishes he can find the courage to love again but, most importantly, he's done breaking others people’s heart. He's incredibly sorry that Jeongguk’s heart had to be the one he broke so mercilessly, without caring too much of putting it back together when Jeongguk loved him in the purest way possible. He hopes no one learns to know his heart the way Jeongguk did because it would mean never moving on from him. Taehyung needs to know another type of love that doesn't have Jeongguk’s name, his lips, his hands, his kisses, his smiles, his laughters, his jokes, his hugs. 

Taehyung has the urge to move on otherwise he's gonna be forever in this labyrinth without any chance of getting out.

"Taehyungie," A voice behind him says and the moment he turns around, he smiles at Hoseok who has his arms open, ready to welcome Taehyung between them. "I'm so glad you're here."

“Hyung,” Taehyung whispers, hiding his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, hugging him by the middle. “Where’s the star of the party?” He asks once they both break the hug and he stills the moment he sees Jimin next to Hoseok, he doesn’t really know how to act right now.

“He’s greeting his actors friends,” Hoseok replies and smiles to him, putting his hand on the small of his back to encourage him to talk with Jimin. 

“Cool.” He says and Jimin snorts, offering them some drinks. Taehyung doesn’t know what it is, but it’s strawberry flavored so he accepts it without saying anything.

It’s awkward, to say the truth. To feel so distant to someone who you grew up with. If Taehyung had no one, Jimin was always there with him. If his stepdad would beat him up, Jimin would’ve been the one to heal his wounds. If Taehyung would cry, Jimin would’ve been the one to give him his shoulder. If Taehyung wanted to die, Jimin would give him reasons to keep living. 

So, looking at him right now and feeling numb is something he never imagined to feel. Technically, he’s the one to blame. He’s the one who told Jimin that he was okay if they were ever to develop feelings for each other, but.. Watching it happen is a completely different story. Because Jimin promised. 

“Can we talk somewhere more privately?”

That’s when Taehyung realize Hoseok left them alone. He takes a sip of his cocktail and he’s about to say that he doesn’t want to because he still feels betrayed but when he looks at Jimin and sees his pretty eyes so empty, without any spark, he just nods. 

Jimin gives him a smile and Taehyung gives him one back, a small one, and follows Jimin on the roof. The February air is chilly and he shouldn’t be wearing only a blazer jacket without anything underneath, but he wanted to find someone to bring home to so he’s going to bear it.

“How are you?” Jimin asks once they sit on a dwarf wall, next to each other but not too close. They’re both scared of how all of it may end up bringing their friendship.

“I’m trying,” Taehyung replies and he takes another sip of his cocktail, looking at the view in front of him and it makes him think about all the times he and Jimin would go to his house’s roof and be there for as long as they needed. Especially when Jimin came out to his family and his father raised his voice at him, telling him he was sick if he thought he’s father could accept his son, that he should’ve gone to therapy to adjust himself. “What about you?”

“I’m doing good,” Jimin says and nods as to affirm his words and Taehyung nods, too.

“I’m glad.”

Silence falls upon them and they just let it be, they know it’s okay to take their own time since the other will be listening nonetheless. So, after some minutes when they admired the beautiful view Paris is offering them, Jimin speaks again.

“I’m sorry.” 

And that breaks Taehyung’s heart because he shouldn’t be. He hasn’t done anything wrong, he knows Jimin just wanted to ease his heart after everything that happened with Yoongi and found his comfort in Jeongguk, he knows it. And he’s to blame for it, too. Because he hurt both his best friend and his boyfriend after what he did, and they just sought each other.

“It’s okay. I want the both of you to be happy,” Taehyung says, taking more sips of his cocktail until it eventually finishes. He sighs. “I don’t blame you. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I am sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t the one to tell you that we kissed. I’m sorry I wasn’t the one to tell you that we were fucking around. I’m sorry I made you think I was stealing him away from you. It was never intended, Taehyung-ah, it just happened.” 

Taehyung nods. “No one told me that you two kissed.”

“What?”

“At Yoongi’s birthday last year,” Taehyung starts, holding is breath for a second. Then, releasing it. “I saw you and Jeongguk kissing from the kitchen window.”

Jimin bites his lower lip and his hands are slightly trembling as he sighs and turns his body towards Taehyung’s, he opens his mouth to speak a few times but nothing comes out. Taehyung waits for Jimin to start talking, explaining how they ended up like this. It hurts, to have your best friend but not really having him.

"Can I ask you something?” Taehyung asks instead. Jimin just nods so he does, too. Taehyung gazes up and searches for Jimin’s eyes, and when their eyes meet, Taehyung gives him a small smile. "I'm not asking this because I blame you or whatever," He starts, maintaining eye contact with Jimin. "But I need to know it for me to be able to move on for good."

Jimin nods. "Ask me anything, Taehyungie. I'm not gonna lie to you."

"Is Jeongguk really the one to start whatever you have going on between you two?”

He doesn't want Jimin to think that he doubts it or that he thinks it was Jimin to seduce Jeongguk in what they have since he once had feelings for him, but he needs to know how it started.

"Sorry. Didn’t mean it like that. Can you tell me how it started?” 

Jimin looks at him and nods. "Jeongguk didn't lie to you to cover me. When you saw us was the first time we kissed, he had known relatively for three months about what happen between you and Yoongi. He doesn't know the behind story of it, of course. Its not my place to tell him.” Jimin says and moves his hand on Taehyung’s lap to grab his hand as he keeps talking. “When he kissed me, I told him to think about you who were his boyfriend, but he told me to not think about it because you were done and he asked me if I really believed you thought of him while having sex with Yoongi and I fucking know he's the only thing you were thinking about but.. I was hurt.” He says and takes a deep breath. “A lot, to say the truth. And I just wanted to have someone who could bring me some comfort, you know? So I let him kiss me and I kissed him back. Thats when you probably saw us. Then we gradually started doing it. At first was just kissing, nothing more. After a while, he came to me asking to ease his heart and we just.. got caught up in the moment. That’s how it started.”

And it hurts to think about Jeongguk doubting his love but how could he not after all the times Taehyung told him I cheated on you because our relationship is too boring, I needed something new. Or I cheated on you because you're not good enough for me, I'm getting tired of you. Or, even worse, I cheated on you because I don't love anymore. Each time, Taehyung would make the lie he was going to tell to Jeongguk more and more painful just to let Jeongguk be the one to broke up with him. But after the first few times, Jeongguk just accepted it and often he would just ask him “Again?” and Taehyung would just stay silent, watch Jeongguk nodding and smiling like it didn't affect him at all and leave a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead, informing him he wouldn't be sleeping with him for the night and leaving him alone. And the next day, Jeongguk would always greet him with a kiss and a “Did you sleep well? Want to talk about what can I change to make you still love me? Did I do something wrong? Am I not loving you enough? It’s my fault you wanted someone else so I just want to be better for you.”

And every time Jeongguk would speak so low of himself, Taehyung hated himself a little more. Lying to the one you love the most and watching them slowly fading away because of the lies you keep telling them is not something he’s proud of. Taehyung knows Jeongguk suffered alone all this time and didn't say anything bad to him just to have Taehyung close to him for as long as possible. But it hurts to think he is the one who ruined Jeongguk and made him so insecure. 

He doesn't realize he's crying until he feels Jimin’s hand wiping his tears and suddenly they're thirteen again. "I’m sorry. Keep talking."

"You dont have to be sorry, Taehyung. I’m the one who really betrayed you and I hate myself for it. It’s true that we kissed some more times and ended up sleeping together more times that I can count but I want you know that we are not doing it anymore. I broke it off with him because I couldn't go on like this."

"Did he try to make you stay with him?"

Jimin nods and thats all he needs to know. Jeongguk wanted Jimin to stay with him. Jeongguk has feelings for Jimin. Jeongguk doesn't love Taehyung anymore.

"Taehyung..” Jimin says as he keeps his face between his hands. "I dont want you to think that he asked me to stay because he has some feelings for me. He doesn't. He asked me to try and see if it could work between us but not because he wanted a relationship with me, he just needs someone to fill the void he has been feeling since you left.” Jimin says, coming closer to him, letting Taehyung rest his head on his shoulder. “I can’t tell you with certainty but Jeongguk has been struggling a lot lately. I dont know anything else because he doesn't pick up when I call and doesn't reply to my texts.”

“Hyung..” Taehyung thinks he’s speaking louder but it only comes out in a strangled whisper, his voice trembling. “I ruined him so bad. He was never so insecure but the moment I started telling him that I cheated because I didn’t love him anymore he just.. changed. And it’s my fault. I don’t want Jeongguk to keep hurting because of me.”

“You made so many mistakes because you weren’t able to come to terms with everything that was happening in your life, Taehyung. You hurt each other a lot, maybe you hurt the both of you a little more, but Jeongguk will never judge you for what you’ve been through and you know it. He’s doing really bad right now and I really think he needs to see someone because he doesn’t act the same anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

Jimin sighs. “After his birthday, he started drinking way too much and — I don’t know for sure and it’s just my assumption — I think he started doing drugs. I tried to talk to him about it but he doesn’t tell me a thing.”

Anxiety is what Taehyung is feeling right now. He hasn’t known many people who struggled with drug addiction but he once had a friend who simply couldn’t see the beauty of the world or life and ended up dying young because of an overdose. And if something like that happens to Jeongguk, Taehyung doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He can’t lose Jeongguk, not now, not ever. Even if they don’t end up together, even if they don’t get to meet their happy ending, Taehyung needs Jeongguk well and alive. 

“Is there someone who can be there with him that you know? None of us is in South Korea right now,” Taehyung says and he starts to pinch his fingers, he wants to take his phone and reach out to him if he only was courageous enough to do it.

“Mingyu,” Jimin says, “Mingyu and Jeongguk are quite close so I think he has him.”

Taehyung nods, looking down to his lap. “Then he’s going to be alright, isn’t he?”

Jimin hums and Taehyung nods again.

Silence falls upon them until he hears Jimin speaking again. His voice is strangled and he doesn’t meet Taehyung’s gaze.

“Are we alright?” He asks. Taehyung notices his hands trembling and without thinking about it, he takes both of them in his. “I miss you.”

For quite some time, silence keeps them company. Taehyung, too, misses Jimin. So bad. He’s incredibly sorry for everything that happened and he knows he is at fault for ruining their relationship. Taehyung was so hurt after seeing Jimin and Jeongguk together that he just thought about his pain without counting that them, too, were suffering. Because of him. 

What breaks Taehyung’s heart is that even if he was the one to hurt Jimin the most, Jimin never once backed off. He stayed by Taehyung’s side, worrying about him every day and even helping him on getting out his abusive relationship with Jaehyun. Thanks to Jimin, Taehyung is being able to start living again. 

Jimin was there for him when Taehyung was hurting but he’s just a shitty friend, being selfish enough to let other people take care of him without worrying too much about how Jimin could feel. He knows that probably Jimin still thinks about what happened between him and Yoongi, and yes, that’s slightly different, but it doesn’t excuses what happened. Even if it wasn’t Taehyung’s fault.

“We are.” Taehyung says. His boxy smile painted on his face when he sees Jimin gazing up with wide eyes, soon after throwing himself on Taehyung’s lap, hugging him close. Taehyung hides his face in the crook of Jimin’s nape and keeps smiling, hugging Jimin back. “I miss you too. A lot.”

“I’m sorry. For everything.”

Taehyung shakes his head. “Don’t be. Both of you did what seemed right to you and I’m okay with it. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

Jimin nods and gives him a kiss on his forehead.

“Yoongi hyung texted me, earlier.”

Jimin looks at him and holds his breath, humming. “How is he doing?”

“Better. I guess,”

Jimin hums. “Why did he text?”

Taehyung sighs. “He talked with Jeongguk. Told him about what happened between us.”

“Fuck.” Jimin curses. “Jeongguk is going to blame himself.”

Taehyung takes his phone and opens his KakaoTalk app, opening his chat with Jeongguk and hands it to Jimin.

“He’s already doing it. I think he gave up on us for good this time.”

“Both of you deserve to go on after what happened. Take some time for yourselves, go out with someone else. It’s not wrong and if you’re meant to be, you’ll always find your way back to each other.”

Taehyung gives him a small smile and nods, Jimin stands up and holds out his hand for Taehyung to take. “We should probably get in if you don’t want your outfit to go to waste.” Jimin says and Taehyung smiles, shyly.

“Go get some dick,” Jimin says once they return to the venue and winks at Taehyung. But the moment he’s turning his back at him, Taehyung takes his wrist and looks at Jimin.

“Is it wrong of me to want to try again? With someone else?” He asks and Jimin smile looks a bit pitiful as he takes his hands and shakes his head.

“No, baby. It’s not wrong, you have every right to.”

“But.. I still love him.”

Jimin nods and smiles. “He does, too. But giving yourself a new opportunity is not a bad thing. Just try it, okay?”

Taehyung nods and Jimin smiles at him, leaving a kiss on his hand and leaves after telling him that if it gets too overwhelming and he needs to go home, Jimin is going to go with him.

—

“Taehyung!” Seokjin yells the moment he spots Taehyung at the bar by himself. Not because he changed his mind, he just wanted to get loose before finding someone able to spark his interest. 

The moment Taehyung turns around he sees that Seokjin isn’t alone. He’s hand in hand with Hoseok and he smiles the moment he sees Hoseok’s reddened cheeks. Next to Seokjin, there’s no one other than Park Seojoon. 

“Hi, hyung,” Taehyung replies, smiling when Seokjin opens his arms welcoming Taehyung between them. He inhales Seokjin’s perfume and takes his time departing from him. Seokjin will always be the big brother he never had. 

“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you who he is but,” Seokjin says as he puts one hand on Seojoon shoulder and Taehyung switches his gaze to take a look on him, repaying the smile Seojoon gives him with a shy one. “He’s Seojoon, we’ve met on the first second role I was assigned and since then we’ve been hanging out.” 

“Nice to meet you, Seojoon-ssi.” Taehyung says as he offers his hand to him, “I’m Kim Taehyung. Not sure if you’ve heard of me but—”

“Oh,” Seojoon chuckles as he takes Taehyung’s hand, “I’ve heard a lot about you, Vante-ssi.” 

Taehyung’s mouth forms a ‘O’ the moment he hears his stage name being called by someone like Seojoon. He’s not like super famous, but it is quite a honor to have him know about who he is. Seojoon is quite famous in South Korea as he’s a fellow Korean, but he’s pretty famous overseas, too.

“I hope only good things, then.” Taehyung smiles as Seojoon never leaves his eyes off him, not even when Seokjin calls him to tell Seojoon that someone he’s looking for him.

“Seojoon-ah! Move. Shoo. He’s not going anywhere, you can eye him all night.” Seokjin says and he takes Seojoon arms and drags him to whoever asked for him. Taehyung doesn’t miss the wink Seojoon sends him and with reddened cheeks he turns towards Hoseok.

“From what I know, Seojoon asked Seokjin to introduce the two of you.” 

“What?”

“Yeah. Whenever Seokjin called me we always talked you know, about how things have turned around.” Hoseok smiles to him and Taehyung nods, lowering his gaze. “And so many times the both of us talked about how we wanted you and Jeongguk both to find happiness again. Then Seojoon came into the picture when he asked Seokjin if he knew you. Seojoon’s ready to shoot his shot.” Hoseok says, taking Taehyung’s hands in his hands. 

“I know that you’re scared. I know you still love each other a lot, but maybe trying to give yourself a new chance is not that bad, is it?”

Taehyung knows that Hoseok is right, Jimin told him the exact same thing earlier. And deep down, it’s what he thinks, too. He doesn’t know if he’s ready right now to start something serious, not after everything that happened with Jeongguk or what he’s been through with Jaehyun. Of course he can’t and he won’t compare what he had with Jeongguk to what he had with Jaehyun. He can’t compare love to violence. But maybe, starting something innocent is not too bad, is it?

“I want to try,” Taehyung says and he’s welcomed with Hoseok’s bright smile. “Thank you for taking care of me and Jeongguk so well. I know we are both complicated to handle when we’re in pain, but it means a lot to me.” 

Hoseok tells him that it was always their job to take care of them as the youngests and it never felt like they were obligated to do so. Taehyung misses the days when they were seven so much that now, having only three of them next to him hurts. They never once separated and all it took to ruin their friendship, was for Taehyung to break up with Jeongguk and ruin all of them.

He ruined Jeongguk, he made him feel like he is never wanted, that everything people will do at the end is to leave and abandon him just like his father did. And Taehyung used to tell him that a lot. He ruined his life and if something were to happen to him, Taehyung would never forgive himself. He might not know Jeongguk anymore, but he’s still the most important person in his life and he can’t afford to lose him.

Then he ruined Yoongi, as he didn’t notice that his childhood friend needed someone to help him come out of the darkness he was living in, he didn’t notice how desperate Yoongi was to feel loved and noticed by them. By Taehyung, specifically. He can admit he was focused on his relationship with Jeongguk but he needed to have something he could call his and he ignored Yoongi.

He ruined all of them in so many fucked up ways and Taehyung just hopes to be able to put the pieces of the seven of them back together someday.

—

“A little bird told me you drink anything that has strawberry in it so I thought you might like a Strawberry Mojito.”

Taehyung is caught by surprise the moment Seojoon sits next to him and places the Strawberry Mojito in front of him, smiling and looking at him like Taehyung is the prettiest boy at the party.

“Thanks,” Taehyung replies, giving Seojoon a small smile back. 

“Did I kept you waiting? I’m sorry, I wanted to come to you earlier but,” He points and the crowd and shrugs, smiling.

Taehyung likes his smile. Seojoon is handsome and he can’t deny it and maybe, he’s the one who sparks his interest the most. He’s been eyeing many people tonight, but no one really caught his interest quite like Seojoon.

“Don’t worry about it,” Taehyung smiles as he takes a sip of his Strawberry Mojito, liking away the pieces of sugar on his lips and gazes up, watching as Seojoon comes closer and brings his thumb on his upper lip, wiping what he guess is a bit of sugar and then he sees Seojoon sucking the tip of his thumb. 

Taehyung just blinks.

“You had a bit of sugar there,” Seojoon says as he sits back on his sit and smirks, sipping his drink.

“Aren’t you a little too bold?”

“I don’t know,” Seojoon says, locking their gazes. “Am I?”

Taehyung finds himself smirking as well and shakes his head, sipping his cocktail as the conversation starts slipping into something more comfortable and Taehyung doesn’t really mind Seojoon’s way of flirting, sometimes it may be his hand on his thigh, sometimes it may be his gaze dropping onto his exposed chest, other times looking shamelessly at his lips as Taehyung licks them. He doesn’t mind. He feels wanted. 

They keep talking for a very long time. Seojoon makes him smile, laugh and blush, too. They keep drinking but he’s not drunk, maybe a little tipsy, but he’s still lucid enough. 

“I didn’t lie earlier.” Seojoon says out of the blue, coming closer to him as the music is becoming more and more louder. He actually has a hand on the small of Taehyung’s back and it’s not as uncomfortable as Taehyung anticipated it to be. He’s actually enjoying Seojoon’s company and he asks himself if it is right to enjoy someone else’s hands on him.

“About what?” Taehyung asks into his ear, distancing himself a bit just to let Seojoon see his smile.

“I’ve heard a lot about you as Vante,” Seojoon keeps whispering into his ear, feeling his breath on his neck. “But I want to know about Taehyung as well.”

“There isn’t a lot to learn about me. I’m not that interesting.”

“You kidding?”

Taehyung shakes his head and Seojoon puts his index and thumb under Taehyung’s chin, slowly moving his face to make their eyes lock, coming closer to him and then, “If you’d only know how much I had my eyes on you, Taehyung-ssi, you wouldn’t believe me.” Seojoon tells him as he brings Taehyung closer to him.

“You had your eyes on me? Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not to me.” Taehyung smirks, shrugging.

Seojoon mirrors his smirk and bends a little, letting their bodies touch as he brings Taehyung impossibly closer to him. Both hands now on the small of Taehyung’s back, Seojoon says, “I noticed you at a party some years ago, like.. four years ago? But you were already in a relationship with some other guy and I, of course, didn’t want to intrude. I never forgot about you, your pretty face and your beautiful smile really stood out to me and let’s face it, Taehyung-ssi. You’re quite hard to forget.”

“But I know that your pretty eyes and your smiles are not always telling the truth. I know I sound like a creep right now, but I hoped to see you every weekend and the times I did found you in the crowd, I would always have my eyes glued to you. I hoped to have a chance someday, but every time the same guy would come with you and then I simply gave up, letting fate bring me to you.”

And Taehyung is just speechless because he never thought that someone other than Jeongguk could notice him or notice how easily he could fake a smile. And he hates to compare Seojoon to Jeongguk because they’re not the same and Jeongguk knows him in a more deep level than Seojoon ever could, but it still amazes him how good is Seojoon at observing.

Taehyung doesn’t know what to say right now and Seojoon seems to understand it, not pressuring Taehyung to reply and he just keeps Taehyung close to him.

“I never thought someone other than him could ever notice someone like me.” Taehyung decides to say, looking at Seojoon and he hates the way a pair of doe-eyes comes flashing before him, so he tries his best to focus on Seojoon and it scares him how simple it is. “Even if I’d noticed you looking at me I’d probably think I was being way too sure of myself when I was not.”

“You would’ve had any right to be sure of yourself. I really think you’re the prettiest guy I ever laid my eyes on.”

Taehyung gifts Seojoon a shy smile and they keep talking for a long time before Jimin decides to take him to the dance floor and dance together like they’re still twenty years old.

Sometimes, just sometimes, Taehyung misses it all. He’d like to go back in time and change everything that happened in his past, letting only the good memories to be the same. If anything had happened to him, he’d still be happy and in love with Jeongguk. Maybe they would’ve moved out from their house and find a place to call home, together.

It’s something like midnight when he goes out to take a breath of air. He isn’t socially awkward, on the contrary, he’s a social butterfly but sometimes he just runs out of energy and needs his time to recharge. He takes his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, and the moment he does, an unknown number appears on his screen. Taehyung hesitates, he’s scared of it being his stepfather calling him. 

He looks at the screen as the number keeps coming in and once he takes a deep breath, he slides his thumb over slide to answer with his heart in his throat.

“Hello?”

“Taehyung?” A worried voice comes out from his phone and his brows furrow. He isn’t really accustomed to the voice, and it it clearly isn’t his stepfather or Jaehyun. But Taehyung is certain he has heard it before.

“Yeah.” He says, and then, “Who’s calling?”

“Mingyu.”

Once Taehyung hears his name, his heart starts pounding way too fast. Why is Mingyu calling him? What reasons does he have to call him when they never had a relationship to begin with?

“I’m sorry. I know it’s probably late where you are but I didn’t know who other than you I could call. He has your number as the emergency contact and—”

“Did something happen to Jeongguk?” Taehyung asks, stopping Mingyu mid–rambling. His hands start shaking at the mere thought of something bad happening to Jeongguk as he’s speaking with Mingyu.

“Fuck.” Mingyu curses under his breath and that only makes Taehyung more worried. “Jeongguk.. He had an overdose. He’s still unconscious and I don’t—”

Taehyung stopped listening the moment the word overdose registers in his mind, he doesn’t really know how he’s still able to breathe on his own, he doesn’t know if he’s breathing at all, all he knows is that his body and heart aches at the mere thought of losing Jeongguk. Of being so far away when Jeongguk is letting himself go. 

That’s something Taehyung would never forgive himself for. When he let Jeongguk know his heart all those years ago, he promised himself one thing, knowing how fragile Jeongguk was and still is, to never never leave him alone. To never leave Jeongguk alone with his thoughts eating him alive, to never make Jeongguk feel abandoned.

He failed.

“Taehyung. I know it’s a lot to take in. It’s my fault, okay? I’m the one who gave him the drugs and I’m sorry, I’m fucking sorry. But I need you to come to Seoul as soon as possible. He started hallucinating before losing consciousness and he thought he saw you. I don’t really know what happened between you two because he cries every time I ask him about you. But I need you here. Jeongguk fucking needs you here. Please.”

“I’m taking the first plane available. Keep me updated, please.” Taehyung says, then clears his voice. “I’ll have a talk with you about the drugs once I arrive. I’ll never forgive you if I have to witness him dying before my eyes.”

He hangs up and texts Hyungsik.

taehyung:
book the first plane to Seoul as soon as possible. it’s an emergency.

It takes five minutes.

hyungsik:
done. we’re leaving in half an hour.

Taehyung crumbles on the floor after Hyungsik replies to him. His ears are whistling and his heartbeat is erratic. He hates to know that all of it is his fault, he tries to not think about it but Seokjin is right. Jeongguk was just pretending of doing fine, he was just trying hard to be a better person for Taehyung, to make him understand that Jeongguk was willingly going to change if that meant Taehyung could still love him as before.

He doesn’t even realize he’s crying, not until it gets hard to breathe. Taehyung tries to focus on his breathing, tries to not think of the worst. But how could he not? Jeongguk is laying in a hospital bed, unconscious. He took only God knows how many drugs because he felt lonely. Abandoned. And it’s his fault.

The moment Jeongguk asked him if he was abandoning him like his father did, Taehyung should’ve turned around and take Jeongguk between his arms, telling him that he’d never do something like this. He could never abandon Jeongguk. Yet, he did.

Taehyung should’ve stayed with him. 

“Taehyung? What happened?”

Taehyung tries to speak, he swears he tries. But it’s hard, his breathing gets worse every time he tries to focus on it. Who he thinks is Jimin takes his head between his hands, looking at Taehyung dead in the eyes.

“Breathe with me, Taehyungie. It’s okay. In,” Jimin says as he breathes in, Taehyung tries to focus on it and follow Jimin’s instructions. “Good. Now, out.” 

They keep repeating that circle until Taehyung gets to breathe properly, his hands shaking as he tightens the grip he has on his phone. 

“Overdose.” Taehyung whispers. “Hyung. Jeongguk–” He takes a deep breath, “It’s my fault. Jeongguk had an overdose because of me.”

Jimin’s eyes widen and Taehyung can clearly see the hurt in his eyes, he’s sure his shows exactly the same. The weight Taehyung feels on his chest is getting heavier and heavier and he doesn’t really know how to handle all of it. It’s too much.

“No.” Jimin shakes his head, his hands still on Taehyung’s face. “It’s our fault. All of us left Seoul and I’m sure he thought of it as being abandoned by his friends.”

Taehyung nods. “But I abandoned him first. I told him many times he’s not good enough. I told him I don’t love him anymore. I made him feel small. Like he should be doing more to be loved.” Taehyung says, his voice trembling as he looks at Jimin, “I fucking ruined him, Jimin! I was out there flirting with a new guy while he was trying to take his own life, fuck!” He screams.

Jimin doesn’t answer, he doesn’t know what to say and Taehyung is not going to blame him. He knows that Jimin is not going to argue with him about it because he knows Taehyung is right. Jimin just takes Taehyung between his arms and caresses the back of his head.

“I’m going to Seoul. Right now.”

Jimin nods. “Keep me updated, please.”

—

The next twelve hours are the longest Taehyung has ever spent. His mind has been restless, all he could do was think about Jeongguk and praying to his angels that everything is going to work out. That everything is going to be fine.

He keeps messaging Mingyu and when he doesn’t reply, fear creeps into his heart. He doesn’t want to lose Jeongguk, he really can’t afford it. He can’t. Everything has to work out for them to be able to find their way to each other.

kim mingyu::
i’m sorry taehyung-ssi for keep you waiting, i feel asleep. jeongguk is still unconscious but they say he’s stable. they’ve done all the procedures to take the drugs and alcohol out of his system. they advised me to take him to rehab

taehyung:
how long have you been giving him drugs?
why couldn’t you listen to him rather than giving him drugs?
are you aware he fucking tried to take his own life, right?

kim mingyu
i am. and i’m sorry, taehyung-ssi. i didn’t know he was doing this bad since he never showed it.. he always acted like the jeongguk i know and i should’ve known better, i’m sorry. he started doing drugs since you broke up with him and i told him many times to stop but every time he asked i gave them to him..
i’m really sorry

taehyung:
if anything happens again i’m not going to forgive you, mingyu. take him to rehab as soon as possible once he’s discharged and rather than giving him drugs to ease his pain, listen to him. comfort him when he cries. but don’t you think ever again of doing something like this.
have you contacted dahye?

kim mingyu:
i will. i’m sorry taehyung-ssi.
no, not yet. she’s eight months pregnant and i don’t want her to be stressed. i’m afraid i dont know how to handle it

taehyung:
i have two hours left. once i arrive i’ll call her.
text me if anything happens.

—

Once Taehyung lands in Seoul, Hyungsik calls an uber to take them to the hospital. While they wait for it to arrive, Taehyung unlocks his phone and searches Dahye’s contact. It’s half past seven in the evening, so she’s probably having dinner with her husband.

He dials her number and brings his phone on his ear, waiting for Dahye to pick up.

“Hello?” 

“Eomeonim. I’m Taehyung. Am I bothering you?”

“Taehyungie! Of course not, my dear. Tell me, it’s something wrong?”

“I just landed on Seoul because I received a call. I want you to know that everything’s under control now but Mingyu-ssi didn’t want to make you more worried since you’re eight months pregnant. So I’m taking responsibility for it.”

“Dear, what is it? Please, you’re just worrying me more. What’s wrong?”

“Dahye-ssi.” Taehyung says, firmly. Hoping his voice doesn’t tremble. “This morning your time, around 7AM, Jeongguk had an overdose. Mingyu found him and took him immediately to the hospital. Right now he’s doing good. He’s stable. Just unconscious.”

“What? An overdose? Taehyung, I’m not in the mood for stupid jokes. Are you lying?”

Taehyung wants to scoff but he doesn’t, he understands Jeongguk’s mother. “I would never lie about something like this. I know just as much as I told you. I’m heading to the hospital and I’ll be there to make sure he’s doing fine before going back to Paris. I’ll wait for you.”

Dahye doesn’t reply, she lets silence fall upon them for a long time but doesn’t say anything. She just hung up and Taehyung thinks that’s understandable, she must be shocked to hear that his son had an overdose. 

“She might take the outburst on you. Don’t take it to heart, she’s just worried and scared.” 

Taehyung looks at Hyungsik and nods. “She has every right to take it on me. It’s my fault.”

Hyungsik shakes his head as he opens the door of the uber for Taehyung, entering after him and telling the driver the address of the hospital. “It’s not. Don’t blame yourself.”

“It is.” Taehyung says, “I ruined him.”

Hyungsik shakes his head and takes Taehyung hand on his, caressing it as Taehyung looks outside the window, admiring the beauty of Seoul. Sometimes he really miss home. 

Or maybe the one Taehyung found his home in.

“Go rest at the hotel. You must be exhausted.” Taehyung says as he leaves the car, smiling at Hyungsik. “I’ll be fine, so don’t worry about me.”

Hyungsik seems hesitant but ends up nodding, smiling at him. “Call me if you need anything.”

Taehyung hums and waves goodbye to Hyungsik, making his way through the hospital and asking about Jeongguk. The receptionist doesn’t seem too keen to tell him where Jeongguk is and with a bit of annoyance in their voice, they end up telling him where his room is and Taehyung takes the elevator.

Once he’s out Jeongguk’s room, he takes a deep breath and places his hand on the door handle, pressing it down and opening it, startling Mingyu as he does so.

His eyes find their way to Jeongguk as soon as he enters the room, his body moving forward on its own, his feet halting only when he’s close enough to Jeongguk. He looks at him, his heart beating at a concerning rate at the sight of Jeongguk laying in a hospital bed, his lips dry and his face pale. He holds his trembling hand mid air, not knowing what do it. Is it right of him to hold Jeongguk’s hand?

“He regained consciousness ten minutes ago. I texted you.” 

Taehyung registers what Mingyu is telling him a little too late and just hums, his eyes closed as he thanks him.

“Can I ask you to leave me alone with him? Please.”

“Yeah, of course.”

When Mingyu leaves them alone, Taehyung feels unable to make any movement. He forgets how to move his body on his own accord, his chest rising and falling as his eyes lands on Jeongguk’s face, again. It seems like he’s just sleeping, he must be so exhausted. 

Taehyung looks around until he sees Jeongguk’s phone flipped over and spots the polaroid they took some days before Taehyung left. If his memory isn’t fucking with him, he remembers it being Jeongguk’s 24th birthday. His eyes are brimming with tears by the time Jeongguk’s phone is in his hand, and he starts crying when he takes a moment to admire the polaroid. 

Tears keep streaming down his face at the sight of Jeongguk’s bright smile as Taehyung kisses him, Jeongguk’s hands on Taehyung’s waist and his hands firmly on Jeongguk’s arms. Fireworks painting the view in front of them and Taehyung can feel, can see how happy he was. He grew fond of the relationship they had, the happiness they built between them, the love Jeongguk never once forgot to give him. They were so happy and Taehyung destroyed it, ruined their relationship and most importantly, he ruined Jeongguk.

He puts Jeongguk’s phone down and takes his hand with his own, trembling. Slowly, he brings Jeongguk’s hand on his chest, near his heart and lets Jeongguk feel it, hopes Jeongguk can actually feel how his heart is still screaming for him, his name, like the very first time. He bends down and kisses Jeongguk’s hand, looking at him.

“I ruined you enough, haven’t I?” Taehyung whispers, still holding his hand. “I’m sorry my love wasn’t enough to save your heart. I’m sorry I made you think I needed someone else because I was sick of you. I’m sorry I fucking ruined us. I’m sorry I thought about moving on and that I let someone else make my heart flutter while you were here trying to take your own life. I don’t want you to forgive me, I want you to move on from me. Please. Please let go of me so you can start living again.”

Taehyung doesn’t know if the squeeze he feels on his hand is just his imagination or if it happened, but nonetheless he squeezes Jeongguk’s hand and leaves a kiss on it. “I’m sorry.” He repeats over and over again. Until his cry literally blocks his breathing. 

He doesn’t have the time to fully be able to breathe properly again that the door opens and Taehyung is met with what he expected: Dahye’s anger. And she has every right to be angry at him. Taehyung is the reason why Jeongguk has been struggling to be a better version of himself. Because he made him feel like Jeongguk was never enough, no matter how hard he tried, when all Jeongguk ever did was making Taehyung feel like he deserved all the love he received from him.

“Back off, Taehyung. Stay away from him!”

Taehyung leaves Jeongguk’s hand on the bed, standing up to face Dahye. He tries to say something, he opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He can’t and he won’t defend himself. He doesn’t have any right. He doesn’t have any excuses.

“Now, you’re gonna listen to me and then you’ll leave because he doesn’t need you here.” Dahye says, coming closer to Taehyung. “I was the one who witnessed my son slowly dying inside, I was the one who had to watch him cry because he didn’t understand why you suddenly left him behind.” Dahye says, hitting Taehyung’s chest as she speaks, making him walk backwards until his back hits the nearest wall. “I was the one who had to watch her son pretending to be fine, I was the one who witnessed her son trying to be a better person when he has nothing wrong. You made my son believe he should be doing more because you weren’t able to love him enough for who he was, you cheated on him, it’s your fucking fault!”

Both of them are crying by the time she finishes talking, meanwhile Dahye keeps hitting his chest and he just lets her be. Taehyung lets Dahye scream at him, tell him how shitty of a boyfriend he was, how he is the one who doesn’t deserve Jeongguk and she’s so right. Taehyung never deserved Jeongguk in the first place.

“I’ve been the one who abandoned him first and I regret it every single day of my life. Every fucking day I regret leaving him behind, Taehyung. His dad was never around because he considered him a fucking mistake, he never made the effort of loving him. Never. If you knew you were going to break his heart, you should’ve let Jimin have his chance. Jimin would’ve loved him better than you ever did.”

“I should’ve. You’re right. But I love him so much, Eomeoni.” Taehyung says, holding her by her arms, looking straight at Dahye’s eyes. “I never intended to break his heart. I told him a lot of lies because I wanted him to be the one to break up with me. I never cheated on him, not intentionally, if it matters. And you know it, Eomeoni. I’m sure my mom told you. I don’t want you to forgive me, I’m not going to forgive myself either. I just want to be understood.”

“You know that Jeongguk is never going to judge you. But that doesn’t mean that his suffering matters less than yours. You broke him, Taehyung-ah. He loved you so fucking much. He probably still does, but I want him to move on. I know I’m being a bitch to you and you know how much I love you, but I don’t want you near him ever again, Taehyung. I wanted you two to try again but all of this is too much. My son almost died because of you.”

Taehyung nods. He knows that Dahye is right. “I’m not going to interfere with his life anymore. He deserves so much more than what I can give him. I’m setting him free.”

Dahye nods, wiping his tears. She still looks at Taehyung with so much care that it starts to hurt, to have someone look at you this fondly when you’re the reason why her son tried to put an end to the pain he’s been feeling.

She brings her hand up to Taehyung’s face, wiping his tears and the next thing he knows is that Dahye is embracing him, caressing his back as he starts crying on her shoulder. 

“I don’t hate you, Taehyungie. I just can’t forgive you. Not now.”

Taehyung just nods and lets Dahye hug him. 

“Your pain matters. I know what you’ve been through is horrible and I’m sorry if I made it look like it isn’t valid. But try to understand me. I nearly lost my son.”

“I know. I’m sorry for being the reason why it happened in the first place. I only ever wanted him to be happy, even without me. But I’ve made him miserable the whole time. It was never meant, Eomeoni. I’ve been loving him since I was fifteen, and I’ll love him forever. I hoped and still hope for a happy ending, but maybe our love wasn’t meant to be.”

Dahye sighs and tightens his grip on him. “You still have so much love left in you to give others even after what you’ve been through. I just wish you were able to give it to him when he was yours to lose.”

“Me too, Eomeoni.”

What Taehyung has been scared of doing for all these years is slowly becoming his reality as he hears someone clearing his voice. Both Dahye and Taehyung turn their heads towards Jeongguk. Taehyung’s wide eyes meets Jeongguk’s and when he sees the tears warning to fall down his face, Taehyung’s heart sinks. He looks at Jeongguk and feels his whole body tremble, he’s not ready to talk about it with him, yet. He doesn’t want Jeongguk to hate him more.

“Mom,” Jeongguk says, voice raspy. He clears his voice again, then looks at his mom. “Can you please leave me alone with Taehyung hyung?”

And it hurts to hear Jeongguk calling him that, because he never addressed him as one of his hyung when they were together, Taehyung was accustomed to Jeongguk calling him darling, my love, precious, anything but hyung. Now, he doesn’t deserve any of the pet names Jeongguk once reserved for him, he wants Jeongguk to even forget his name if it helps him bringing him on his feet again.

“Jeongguk. I don’t think—”

“Mom. Please.”

Dahye sighs and nods, she comes closer to Jeongguk and leaves a kiss on his forehead as Jeongguk caresses Dahye’s big belly, leaving a kiss on it before whispering I’m okay before Dahye leaves the room.

“You’re moving on, aren’t you?”

Jeongguk has always been like this, so straightforward when something doesn’t sit right to him or something hurts him. And he knows that in his eyes it might look like Taehyung doesn’t love him anymore. But it’s not true.

“Why did you came here if you had someone who could make your heart flutter?” Jeongguk chuckles.

“How much have you heard?”

“Everything.”

Taehyung sighs as he comes closer to Jeongguk, sitting in the armchair next to him. Head low, suddenly his hands becoming the most interesting thing in the room as he starts to play with them.

“I do care if you’re seeing someone else, for many reasons. Maybe because I’m jealous, maybe because a part of me is still denying that you left me. But mostly because I want you to find happiness again. I can’t give you that. Not now.”

Taehyung shakes his head. “As of now I’m not seeing anyone. I just met a guy but I don’t know how it will work out. If I don’t fuck things up again.”

“You said he made your heart flutter. Isn’t it a good sign?”

Taehyung doesn’t know what to say or do. Jeongguk feels so distant and never in his life did Taehyung imagine of being like this with Jeongguk. Unresolved feelings. So many lies told. Them being ex-boyfriends. 

“Taehyung,” Jeongguk calls him when the silence starts to be way too loud and Taehyung head snaps at the sound of his name coming out of Jeongguk’s mouth, looking at him. “Can we stop lying?”

“You never lied to me.” Taehyung says and tears starts rolling down his face, he wipes them and takes a deep breath.

It’s really happening, isn’t it?

“But you did. I just want to know why. I don’t regret improving myself to love you better. I just want to understand because I’m so confused.”

Taehyung sighs and nods, looking at him knowing damn well that it might be the last time he sees him. He can’t interfere with his life anymore, no matter how much Taehyung still loves him, he needs to set Jeongguk free.

“Do you remember when you and Dahye came to my mom’s house last summer?” Taehyung asks and sees Jeongguk frowns, then gasping a little Ah! before nodding. Taehyung smiles. “Do you remember what I told you? About me starting to do sexual things at a young age?”

Jeongguk hums.

“Fuck, it’s so hard.” Taehyung cries out, wiping his tears and taking a deep breath. “I even wrote you a letter some time ago about my past. I wanted to give it to you when all of it was over because I didn’t think I could handle telling you all of it.”

Jeongguk looks at him and holds his hand out, Taehyung hesitates but reaches out to grab his hand a Jeongguk tugs a little, letting Taehyung sit next to him. “Is it better? Being closer?”

Taehyung looks at Jeongguk with wide eyes brimming with tears, hid hand still grasped in Jeongguk’s hold. He nods.

“I’m not going to lie so I’m telling you that it hurts to be like this. But if you need me close, I’m willingly staying closer to you. Even if it’s hurting me to even look at you right now.” 

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“Not the point right now, hyung.” 

Taehyung nods and sighs. He looks up to try not to cry anymore in front of him, he tries his best to control them and once he’s ready, he starts talking.

“It all started when I was fourteen. My stepdad was never nice to me, he would always raise his voice or his hands at me. All the time. He’s always been an alcoholic so we never really had much money because he spent all of it on alcohol. One day, he asked me if I wanted to go get some ice cream with him. I was so happy when he asked me, Jeongguk. I always wanted to impress him and to have a good relationship with him, you know? He’s the father figure I had growing up so I wanted to be close to someone I called Dad.”

Jeongguk never looks away from Taehyung. He doesn’t come closer, doesn’t touch him or says anything. He just listens and Taehyung is so grateful. He knows that by the end of it he’s going to regret not telling all of it to Jeongguk sooner, but for now, he continues speaking.

“We never went to buy ice cream. He brought me to some old warehouse and just told me he had to see a friend of his, but as soon as we met him, he took me by force and tried to drug me with something he put on a napkin. I screamed so loud, Jeongguk. I was terrified.” Taehyung says and he hides his hands the moment he feels them tremble, he knows Jeongguk notices because he keeps looking at them but doesn’t do or say anything, again. And Taehyung is glad, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to tell Jeongguk his story. “But there was no one around and my stepdad just laughed to my face when I asked him to do something as simple as helping me. This guy his age brought me to a room and closed the door. That’s when I was forced of doing sex for the first time, without my consent, just because my stepdad needed money. He sold my body.” 

Jeongguk curses under his breathe and closes his eyes, his head thrown back against the wall behind him. “What a fucking piece of shit.”

Taehyung hums. “It kept going for so many years. Even when we were a couple. That’s where I was going to do when I had to go to Daegu. That’s why Yoongi hyung came with me every time. At that time he was the only one he knew because one day, when I was maybe fifteen? — I don’t remember, sorry — It happened that his brother asked my stepdad to bring me over and Yoongi hyung walked in while his brother.. Yeah.” 

That’s why Yoongi doing the same thing hurt a lot more goes unsaid. That’s the reason why Yoongi reacted that way when Jimin told him he abused him. 

“All the times I told you I cheated on you.. They were never true, Jeongguk.” He says, looking down as he’s afraid of looking at him. He doesn’t want to see Jeongguk pitying him. “Technically I did cheat on you, I know. But they were never consensual. I degraded you many times because of it and I’m sorry, Jeongguk. I’m sorry I told you so many horrible things. I know I can’t make it up to you in any way but please, please know that none of it was ever true. I didn’t think a single thing I told you. It broke my heart to see you try harder every time and I’m sorry I ruined you that way.” 

He takes courage and reaches out to hold Jeongguk’s hand, tightening his grip. Taehyung takes a deep breath and looks up, finding Jeongguk looking down at their hands. He comes a little closer to him, placing his index finger under his chin and turns his head towards him. “You were always enough for me. You never made me sick. You made me fall in love with you every day, even when I treated you like shit. You loved me harder every time I told you a lie and you always forgave me too easily. You taught me how to love and I’ll always be grateful to you for that. My love for you will always stay here.” Taehyung says as he takes their hands to his heart, letting them rest on it for as long as Jeongguk lets him. 

“Why did you leave me, then?” Jeongguk whispers, his lower lip trembling as he tries not to cry. Jeongguk’s gaze still on their hands over Taehyung’s heart.

“I was ashamed. I never wanted you to know the ugly parts of me. I only wanted you to see what good I had left, if there was any. I thought that telling you I cheated would make you hate me and would make you break up with me but that never happened. Because you loved me too much that you forgot to deal with the pain I caused you. I didn’t leave or broke up with you because of you, trust me. It’s my fault.”

Jeongguk seems to assimilate everything Taehyung has been telling him and he thinks that’s understandable. “What about Jaehyun?” He asks after some time.

Taehyung sighs, chuckling. He doesn’t want to be weak in front of Jeongguk, but how many times has Jeongguk witnessed him being the weakest person alive? So he lets the tears flow without minding them.

“He sort of teamed up with my stepdad. After I left, he followed me to my mom’s place. He.. forced me to go with him and locked me up in his house. I was still in Seoul till Yoongi’s birthday last year. I never wanted anything to do with him.” Taehyung says, wiping his tears and his running nose and that’s disgusting and Jeongguk might think so, too, since he passes him some napkins. He mouths a thank you and Jeongguk brushes him off.

“When I sent you that one message where I wrote I loved him.. It wasn’t true, of course. I was checking what he wrote to you and he happened to text me at the same time. He kinda controlled everything I did so I had to reply to him in literal seconds. I panicked and I started typing as soon as possible, that’s why you received the message. I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk hums. “What I’ve seen when I came to visit with my mom.. Has he ever done that again?”

Taehyung’s hand instinctively moves to the little scar on his neck, his finger tracing the raised skin. “Not with weapons. Or sometimes with them, too. Not every day. But often.”

Jeongguk gulps, taking his lower lip with his teeth to prevent himself from crying. Taehyung wants to come closer and hug him, he wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to blame himself because there’s nothing he could have done.

“It’s not your fault, Jeongguk.” Taehyung ends up saying, their hands close but no one does something to touch the other. 

“I could’ve kept you safe.” Jeongguk says, focusing on something in the room rather than looking at Taehyung. “Who would have done it if not me who was your boyfriend?”

“I met my dad,” Taehyung says. “My real Dad. Who happens to be Hwan and Danbi’s Dad. He’s a lawyer and he’s been helping me take care of everything that happened with my stepdad and Jaehyun. I’m almost done.”

Jeongguk’s smile is sad and he tries so hard to not let it show and Taehyung feels like an asshole to name his real Dad when Jeongguk doesn’t even know how his real Dad looks like.

“I’m sorry, Jeongguk. I didn’t—”

“Don’t. I’m glad you met him.” Jeongguk says and this time he gives him a truer smile. 

Taehyung gives him one back, and keeps looking at Jeongguk. Trying to assimilate even the smallest detail of his pretty face, his pretty eyes. His pretty lips. Taehyung missed him so badly and even right now, as Jeongguk is sitting across him, Taehyung still misses him.

And three simple words almost slips out his mouth, let it be I love you or I miss you. Taehyung thinks both of them as he keeps looking at Jeongguk, and once their eyes lock, Taehyung is more intended on telling him how bad he still loves him.

After some time they spent on just looking at each other, not-so-shy eyes courageous enough to make understand the other how they felt, Jeongguk is the one who talks first. 

“I would never judge you for your past, Taehyung. None of what happened is your fault and I would’ve never broken up with you for something that doesn’t define you in any way.” Jeongguk says and Taehyung’s heart sinks. His heart in his throat. “I don’t see you in any different way now that you told me and most importantly, I don’t pity you. I just admire you a lot more for how strong you are. You suppressed all this pain just to let yourself know what does it mean to love and to be loved and you just needed something to hold onto. I’m just glad I was there at the right moment.”

“I’m glad, too. But I don’t want you to think that you were just that for me.”

Jeongguk nods. “Now I know.” 

“You’re not mad at me?”

Jeongguk hums. “Of course I am. We could’ve been through all of this together. I would’ve helped you, but we can’t turn back time, can we?”

Taehyung shakes his head. “We can’t.”

Silence falls upon them and Taehyung never felt this lighter in his whole life. Jeongguk’s eyes are still warm, like Taehyung has been there all along to warm him up. Like Jeongguk is still his ocean and Taehyung is still the sun who shines on him, warming him and making him brighter.

But Jeongguk shines even without Taehyung next to him, has always did.

Jeongguk still has the same love for Taehyung and he sees it in the way Jeongguk looks at him like he’s still the most beautiful sunset he ever witnessed. 

“I would’ve loved even the ugliest part of you if that meant that you’d still be mine.” Jeongguk says and Taehyung doesn’t miss his lower lip trembling as Jeongguk looks at him. “I saw you at your worst and I still loved you deeply. More and more each day. I was never scared of your darkness, Taehyung, even when it prevailed and you hurt me with your words.” 

Taehyung looks at Jeongguk with so much resentment, he still hates himself for hitting Jeongguk that day and that’s something he’s never going to forgive himself for. 

“I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “Don’t be. Just try to be a better person for your future lover and never doubt their love for you. You’re capable of love and being loved. All of us are.”

Taehyung doesn’t know how to reply, doesn’t really know how the fuck they did end up like this but this time seems so final. The only difference is that this time, is Jeongguk who’s putting a full stop to their love story.

“Can I hug you?” Taehyung asks, looks at him with eyes full of tears. “Please.”

And even if it’s not the truest smile Jeongguk ever gifted him, he smiles at Taehyung and opens his arms, ready to welcome Taehyung between them.

So Taehyung find his way to feel at home again and the moment he hides his face on the crook of Jeongguk’s neck, he’s sure that he will never find a home as comfortable as his arms.

Jeongguk will always be what home feels like.

“I love you,” Jeongguk whispers and fuck if it hurts, Taehyung’s heart is breaking in millions of pieces and at the same time is beating so loud. Like the first time Jeongguk ever told him the same three words. He tries to say it back, but he’s sure Jeongguk isn’t telling him because he wants Taehyung to say it back. Is meant to be a reminder. And Taehyung hopes Jeongguk knows he loves him, too. More than he could ever say with words. “But this time I’m the one who’s setting you free.”

Taehyung hates it. Taehyung hates how final all of it sounds, hates how Jeongguk is not the one to fight for them anymore. He gave up for the very last time and Taehyung can’t even blame him.

It’s going to be hard, but Taehyung knows both of them deserve to live their life without the other interfering. And that’s okay, Taehyung is going to learn how it is to live a life without Jeongguk, he’s going to learn to live a life where he doesn't have Jeongguk’s love to embrace him anymore.

He’s going to learn.

Step by step.

“I’m letting you go, Taehyung.” Jeongguk says, like he’s answering to what Taehyung’s told him when he arrived. “Live happily, that’s all I’ll ask you. Because you deserve it.”

Chapter Text

meet c&p yoonmin :)

moodboard by me

—

Life has never been caring to him. He’s someone who never knew what it meant to have parents or simply, the comfort of a home. Since he was born, he lived on the streets. No one really took care of him, not even his brother who was trying to survive himself. Their parents abandoned them on the street when he was just a baby, barely one month old with his brother who was already six years old. 

His brother couldn’t really take care of a baby when he was still a baby himself but still, he did whatsoever he could to make both of them have something to eat. That’s why he never blamed him, not even when he did wrong things. 

Because that’s how they had to survive. Being a bad person, stealing, stealing, stealing. That’s everything he remembers doing.

The first time Yoongi stole something, he was nine years old. It was winter time, it was cold and they had nothing to eat nor a place to sleep, nor warm clothes to wear. Yoongi’s brother convinced him to steal some clothes while he would look out for something to eat, and he did it. He stole some clothes and that was the scariest thing he had to do, even if he literally lived on the streets and danger was always near.

He still remembers how much his heart was thumping inside his chest when that happened. And all he wanted, really, was a thank you from his brother. But that was the first time his brother landed his hands on him, telling him how much of a pathetic person he was, that their parents leaving them on the streets was his fault. And nine year old Yoongi believed every word fifteen year old Yoonbin told him.

Later that night, while Yoongi pretended to sleep, Yoonbin hugged him and thanked him from bringing them warm clothes and a warm blanket to cover them from the cold night. It broke his heart to hear his brother cry and it made him cry, too.

Only months later Yoongi realized his brother was doing and selling drugs. And it was scary when his brother was high, because Yoongi never knew how to handle the situation. Many times Yoonbin harassed him physically and emotionally, and many times he tried to harass him sexually but Yoongi always managed to save himself. He still wishes he could’ve been able to save many who had a different ending. Taehyung, too.

By the time Yoonbin is twenty, he is able to afford a small house for the two of them in a small neighborhood of Busan, since they had to leave Daegu because his brother was being researched for selling drugs and basically sex. That’s how he had the money to buy a house, where he met Taehyung for the first time.

Yoongi never had the opportunity to act like a kid his age, and it may be embarrassing to play with toys at fourteen, but Taehyung just sat beside him one day and started to play with him.

“Hi!” The boy enthusiastically said after finding his place next to Yoongi. “I’m Taehyung! Are you new here?”

Yoongi remembers he didn’t talk that much back then, he just hummed, nodded or shook his head at his questions. Rarely he answered with words. But Taehyung never once made him feel uncomfortable or out of place. 

Taehyung made Yoongi met Jimin, too. 

Both of them took care of Yoongi and his heart felt so full back then, being able to have someone who is taking care of you is something Yoongi never expected. Yoonbin was always high and he stopped caring for Yoongi after he turned eleven.

By the time Yoongi is almost seventeen, he understands he likes Jimin. Yoongi never really questioned his sexuality, if he liked someone, then he liked the person, not the gender; and he doesn’t really know what it is about him but every time Jimin hugged him, every time Jimin gave him a kiss on the cheek or a simple touch of his hand, Yoongi’s heart would melt on the spot. 

Jimin was his first kiss. Jimin was his first time. But when Yoongi wanted to confess to him, Jimin told him he had the biggest crush on some guy named Jeongguk. And Yoongi decided to swallow his feelings and say to him, “I hope he reciprocates your feelings.”

That didn’t stop them from being affectionate with each other. One day, Jimin told Yoongi about his family. About how Jimin’s father was so mad when he told them he was bisexual and Yoongi could see the tears Jimin didn’t want him to see, but nevertheless, Yoongi welcomed Jimin in his arms.

Yoongi couldn’t possibly understand Jimin’s feelings, he never had a father to begin with so he doesn’t really know about trying so hard, doing whatever he could to make his father love him. The faceless father was the one who decided to not love Yoongi, despite being the one responsible. He could’ve just jerked off the night he got Yoongi’s mom pregnant with him for all he cares. 

“I’m sure he does love you. He just doesn’t understand. Parents never understand. Don’t take it to heart, Min. There are going to be plenty of people who are going to love you nevertheless your sexual orientation. Who cares about what others think when you’re comfortable in your own skin?”

Jimin looks up at him, his eyes so big it makes Yoongi’s heart clench. “Sometimes I’m insecure, too. I don’t always like the way I am or the way I look. But every time I look at you looking at me, there’s something so beautiful in your eyes and I just.. can’t understand what it is that you see. Why do you make me feel so special and so worth it?”

Yoongi gulps down. “Because you are.” Yoongi whispers, his lips leaving a kiss on the tip of Jimin’s nose. “Special,” Another kiss, this time on his right cheek. “Worth it,” Another kiss, on his left cheek. “Precious,” Another kiss, this time on his forehead. Yoongi stops to admire Jimin’s reddened cheeks and he knows he shouldn’t stay this close to Jimin, he doesn’t like you, he tells himself. But it’s so hard to stay away from him. “You’re irreplaceable to me, Min.” And this time, Yoongi kisses him on the lips.

He doesn’t know what to expect from Jimin, he knows he likes someone else and Yoongi shouldn’t be so selfish. But when Jimin’s lips starts to move along his, he feels his heart threatening to break out of his chest. He feels so damn happy the moment Jimin returns the kiss that he doesn’t want to stop, he wants to kiss Jimin forever.

On Yoongi’s actual birthday, his seventeenth, he gets to spend it with his friends. It never hurt that he had only two, because Jimin and Taehyung were more than enough for him, who didn’t even know he could have someone who actually learned how to love him.

The last time he has seen Taehyung was on his fourteenth birthday, he asked about him to Jimin but he couldn’t really tell him what happened. He just told him Taehyung and his family got back to Daegu for a while for family business and Yoongi never questioned it.

Taehyung doesn’t really talk once he gets to his house, Yoongi tries to hug him but Taehyung just shakes his head. His stepfather is gripping Taehyung’s bony arm and his heart hurts when he notices how skinny Taehyung looks. 

“Where is your brother? I have some business to discuss with him.” Taehyung’s stepfather talks and it recks of fucking alcohol. Jimin tries to grip Taehyung’s t-shirt but the man yanks it away, almost shoving him. 

“What business could you possibly have with my brother?”

“Just answer my fucking question while I’m still nice to you, you son of a bitch.”

Yoongi gulps, sees how Taehyung’s body is trembling and wants to do something but he just can’t. Taehyung can’t do anything to save himself from whatever is that makes his whole body tremble and Jimin and Yoongi just watch as the older man brings Taehyung to his brother’s room. 

Yoonbin is high. He’s always high on Yoongi’s birthday and his heart starts to race because why does the man have to drag Taehyung like that into his brother’s room? What business could Taehyung have with Yoonbin? 

Yoonbin is 23 and Taehyung is 14. What does he have to do with a literal child?

Taehyung’s stepfather comes back without glancing at them and acts like he’s at his house, goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge, takes out some beers and drinks them all. Ten minutes later, he’s snoring.

At this point Yoongi just tells Jimin to go and that he will see him later. Jimin doesn’t want to go but Yoongi tells him it’s better this way, doesn’t want him to see what Yoongi doesn’t know but fears to be right about.

He distantly hears Taehyung shouting No! Stop! You’re hurting me, please stop! and that’s enough for Yoongi to know what’s happening. He thinks Taehyung’s shouts are going to taunt him for a very long time.

Jimin just listens but doesn’t go before giving a kiss on his lips and whispers a sweet, Happy birthday, hyung on them. Yoongi is sure his cheeks are bright red if this smile on Jimin’s lips is anything to go by. 

“I’ll see you later,” Yoongi promises.

Jimin nods and he watches him as he exits his house, his heart trembling at the sight of Jimin Yoongi’s smile. Yes, he has a smile just for Yoongi, he’s sure of it.

He takes courage and walks to the man laying on his couch, shaking him until he’s awake and Yoongi is scared, but right now he knows Taehyung needs someone to take care of him, not someone who treats him as only flesh. He has to protect Taehyung.

If Yoongi suspicions are right, he hopes he can be there to save Taehyung as many times as he can. He doesn’t want one of the most important people in his life to suffer because of Yoongi’s blood.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Go away before I call the cops on you and my brother, sir.”

The man chuckles. “I won’t go anywhere until your brother pays me for the services Taehyung is providing him as we speak.”

“I said to go the fuck away before I call the cops.” 

The man stands up and throws a punch on his face but Yoongi stands still, not reacting because he knows the situation can worsen and he doesn’t want Taehyung to be in more danger than he already is.

“Are you done, sir? Either you leave right now or the cops are going to be the ones who make you leave. You don’t want them to know the gambling you do, right? It’s quite illegal and you know it, don’t you, sir?”

Yoongi sees the man’s eyes widen. He opens his mouth to say something but hisses a whisper-loud Fuck! before leaving the house.

And he knows he shouldn’t do it because Yoonbin is his brother, but he walks straight to the house phone and calls the cops. Every time he hears Taehyung strangled voice his heart clenches. He wants it to stops as much as Taehyung does, hell, he can’t even compare it.

The moment the cops arrive, Yoongi explains the situation and he feels like someone stabbed him in the chest when the cops forces the door open and he sees the sheets covered in blood. Taehyung’s shouts are being silenced by his brother’s hand on his mouth and the shout Taehyung lets out when the cops are handcuffing his brother is something Yoongi is going to never forget.

“You’re a fucking piece of shit, Yoongi! I should’ve killed you the moment Mom and Dad left me on the streets with you. I hope you spend the rest of your life praying you never see me again because the moment I do, Yoongi, I’m going to fucking kill you!”

Yoongi doesn’t care about the nonsense Yoonbin is saying, his gaze is glued to Taehyung’s fragile body trembling, to his best friend crying because of what his brother did to him. He can’t help but feel guilty. He should've stopped Taehyung before letting him go into the room.

Yoongi is so fucking sorry he shouldn’t even have the privilege to look at Taehyung right now.

Once he’s sure they brought his brother away from them, he kneels in front of Taehyung and doesn’t touch him before asking for permission.

“Can I?” Yoongi asks as he lets Taehyung see his hands and nods at Taehyung’s.

“Aren’t you disgusted by me?” Taehyung’s voice is so small when he talks and Yoongi’s heart hurt so much at the sight of his best friend being so disgusted by himself. 

“Is there a reason to be, Taehyungie?” Yoongi asks, still waiting for permission and he’s glad when he feels his hand being taken by both Taehyung hands. “Look at me, please.”

Taehyung nods and looks at him, his heart clenches at the sight of the print of his brother’s digit on his face. He can tell he’s scared and Yoongi feels so, so, so sorry.

“It’s not your fault. Alright?” 

Taehyung’s eyes are brimming with tears and tries to say something but Yoongi is faster. “It’s not, Taehyungie.” He says, standing up and being careful with him, he helps Taehyung stands up as well. “What do you think about getting a warm bath and hanging out with our Jimin? Do you want that?”

Taehyung gulps and nods. The grip he has on his hands tightens for a minute and Yoongi looks at him, waiting until he’s the one who speaks. “Can this stay between us? Please, hyung. No one can know about it.”

Yoongi nods, “It’s staying between us, don’t you worry. I’ll always try to protect you or be there for you, okay? So please call me when you need me.”

That’s how Yoongi becomes the one who sees Taehyung at his worst, the one who sees Taehyung degrading himself, tells Yoongi how he is not going to be loved by anyone because of what he does and Yoongi is always there correcting Taehyung, telling him he’s being forced of doing things he doesn’t want to. Yoongi becomes the one who sees the sparkle in Taehyung’s eyes fade, he’s the one who witnesses more times than he can count him having panic attacks because of what happens. 

When Yoongi turns nineteen, he has the opportunity to go away from Busan and tells Taehyung about it. At first, he doesn’t take it as well as he wished. He reassures him, tells Taehyung that he is going to be there for him every time he needs him. 

Taehyung, who is now seventeen, is scared of not having Yoongi with him and he knows it, he sees it and his heart breaks as Taehyung tries not to cry. “I can’t tell Jimin about it, hyung. I can’t.”

“I know, baby. I know. I’m always going to be here for you, okay? I love you, Taehyung.”

And when Yoongi sees Jimin standing behind the door, with tears streaming down his cheeks, Yoongi understands that Jimin misunderstood what they’re talking about and if he had a chance with him, now he doesn’t.

Once Taehyung calms down and is sleeping, Yoongi goes downstairs and is able to stop Jimin before he goes away.

“Wait, Jimin. Please.”

“No. Fuck you, hyung.”

“What?”

“I let you be my first kiss. I let you be my first time. We fucking made out more times than I can count and now what? You’re in love with my fucking best friend! ‘I can’t tell Jimin about it’ well, he doesn’t fucking need to! I— Fuck, I hate you so much!”

“You don’t. You don’t hate me, Min. Tell me you don’t.”

“I would lie if I told you otherwise. You just used me!”

“Do you even hear yourself? I used you? Was really me the one who used the other, Jimin?”

Jimin scoffs. “Are you implying I did?”

Yoongi shrugs. “Weren’t you the one who made out with me and called me Jeongguk afterwards?”

“It only happened once!”

Yoongi chuckles. “Sure. It happened three times. One after another, Jimin. I wasn’t the one who used you.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re just a coward who is not able to accept his feelings. You’re just trying to blame me because it is easier. I do love both of you, but the love I feel for you is different from the one I feel for Taehyung. I am in—”

“Don’t fucking say shit you don’t mean. I don’t want you to lie to me. Don’t bother. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway.”

“Fuck you, Jimin.”

That’s how Yoongi starts doing drugs. Jimin’s I hate you so much and I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway is the reason he starts. Every time he hears these sentences ringing in his head, he snorts. He gets really bad when he knows he doesn’t have it and it hurts to hear Jimin’s words cutting through his heart, feeling it bleed as they keep repeating over and over again in his head.

I hate you so much. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway.

Yoongi doesn’t even know who the fuck is Jeongguk or what his face looks like, but Yoongi decides he fucking hates him. Because when Jimin was kissing him, he wanted Yoongi to be Jeongguk. Every fucking time, Jimin imagined Jeongguk as he kissed him. And it hurts, it hurts so much.

Yoongi hates himself. And fucking Jeongguk, too.

—

Yoongi meets Namjoon in an old warehouse where they have a battle of freestyle rap. It’s an underground rap battle and both of them are really good at it. He never expressed his love for music because he never had the money to make his dream come true and right now, he wants to think about himself.

He sees Namjoon eyeing him down one day as he talks to two other people he has never seen before. It’s not like the looks are bothering him, he just isn’t used to it. Or maybe he just misses the fondness Taehyung and Jimin’s eyes had.

He sees the three of them walking towards him, and Namjoon smiles at him, his dimple sticking out. “Hi! First of all, you’re really good. My friends, Seokjin,” Namjoon points at the taller one and Yoongi bows, “and Hoseok,” Yoongi bows to him, too. “Said you’re really cool and we all wanted to know if perhaps you’re searching for a place to live? We have a quite big house and we wouldn’t mind you taking a part of its space. You see, me and Hoseok really love music and we write a lot! We noticed how good you are with your words and we wouldn’t mind having you with us. Create some shit together, you know.”

Well, Namjoon surely talks a lot, but Yoongi doesn’t mind and smiles at him until he stops talking and he can’t believe someone who doesn’t even know him wants him to be part of something. He clears his voice. “Well, I.. Yes. I’m searching for a place to be and I wouldn’t mind too if you guys are cool with it.” 

“We wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”

That’s how Yoongi becomes friend with Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin. If only Jimin and Taehyung were here with them, Yoongi wouldn’t ask for anything batter. He found his family. He has now something to call his own.

—

The year before Jimin and Taehyung starts university, they FaceTime them a lot of times. One particular night, as they’re talking, Jimin is the one who presents fucking Jeongguk to them.

“He’s Jeongguk, guys. The three of us are going to go to the same university!” 

Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin are very welcoming towards Jeongguk and he tries to be, too, but he just can’t. He hates to see the way Jimin looks at him, his chin on the boy’s shoulder. He lowers his gaze and tries to interact the least with them because suddenly, he doesn’t feel welcomed anymore. 

Hoseok notices and tries his best to make him feel comfortable but nothing really helps. Hoseok takes his hand in his and Jimin must notices because he presses his body against Jeongguk’s and he notices Taehyung side eyeing them, but Jeongguk, to his surprise, has his attention on Taehyung and smiles at him. He can’t really see him through the screen of Seokjin’s phone, but Yoongi sees the love the guy is holding in his eyes as he looks at Taehyung and he sees himself in him.

He still holds the same love for Jimin.

And Jimin holds the same love for Jeongguk. 

Ironic, isn’t it?

“Is there a place for Jeongguk in the house, Seokjin-hyung?” Taehyung asks and before Seokjin can answer, Jeongguk talks. 

“No, no. Don’t worry, guys. I don’t want to bother or intrude myself into your friendship. It might be uncomfortable and I don’t really want to be the reason.”

“Nonsense, Jeongguk. We’re glad we got to know you,” Namjoon answers and Hoseok hums. 

“Namjoon’s right. We still have two rooms, the bigger one can be shared by two out of you and the other gets the single room.”

Yoongi sees Jimin hesitating. That’s how Yoongi understands Jimin wants the bigger room. He wants to share it with Jeongguk, but Taehyung beats him to it.

“Me and Jeongguk could take the bigger room and Jimin the other, if that’s cool for you. I could take the single room if you want to share with Jeongguk, it’s no big deal for me.” Taehyung shrugs and Jeongguk bites his lower lip, it’s clear they both like each other and it’s so silly coming from Jimin to think about Yoongi not noticing what’s going on between them. 

“I want to share it with Taehyung if that’s alright..” Jeongguk whispers, clearly embarrassed and Jimin gulps, nodding. 

“It’s good for me, don’t worry, baby.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes and takes his lower lip with his teeth, biting nervously at it. 

“What is it?” Hoseok whispers in his ear as they keep chatting together and Yoongi just shrugs, looking up at him, just giving him a smile.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m going to my room for a bit.”

Yoongi can see Hoseok’s worried eyes and he hates it but he can’t help but feel left out by the people he grow fond to love and look up. He never had a family, what he had left of that has always treated him like some kind of garbage, never really appreciating the person Yoongi is. And when he was something new for them, almost four years ago, they had their attention on him.

Right now, Yoongi is nothing new and Jeongguk is someone special, a kid to take care of, the little brother they all wanted and never had. Yoongi, too.

But Yoongi can’t look at Jeongguk that way, can’t even look at him to be honest. He hates himself for it because, paradoxically, Jeongguk hasn’t done anything to him.

But when he found something special to have with Jimin, even without knowing, Jeongguk ruined it. He ruined it the moment his name left Jimin’s lips as they were kissing, he ruined it the moment Yoongi was saying I’m in love with you but Jimin didn’t want to hear it because, I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway. 

I hate you so much. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway. I hate you so much. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway. I hate you so much. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway. I hate you so much. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway. I hate you so much. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway. I hate you so much. I’m going to confess to Jeongguk anyway.

Yoongi hates himself so much.

yoongi:
i need it now

KANG:
[attached location]

So Yoongi goes and takes it.

He pays Kang what he owes him and goes out to drink. He enjoys drinking alone, sometimes he thinks about finding someone to fuck but no one sparks his interest enough so he doesn’t. He drinks a lot, he can barely stay up by his legs once he returns home, trying not to make noise so the others can keep sleeping since it may be around 4AM.

He succeeds and goes to his room, taking the cocaine Kang gave him out of his back pocket, he’s not lucid so he doesn’t really know if the lines in front of him are straight or not, the table may have some leftovers of other drugs he has taken these days.

He inhales and snorts all of them, one by one. He doesn’t feel heavy anymore, his heart rate accelerates not because he’s thinking about Jimin, not really. The effects the drugs have on him might be studied because once he takes them, he forgets about everything but listen to the voices in his head, telling him to just do it because no one is going to ever love him.

And he tries, he really tries to. He feels the fresh hair coming from his open window hitting his face, his vision is blurry and he might as well be hallucinating because he swears he sees Jimin’s angelic face in front of him, calling someone whose name’s not Yoongi. 

Jeongguk.

Of course it is him.

He really tries to, but suddenly, a pair of slim arms circles his middle and he has someone’s chest pressed against his back and it has been so long since someone held him close like this that he just closes his eyes and feels said person dragging him to his bed. 

“Please talk to me every time you feel like doing it, okay? You may think you’re not special, but that’s your opinion, hyung. You’re important to every one of us and if I hadn’t hear you sobbing, I would be crying over your fucking dead body right now. Don’t ever do that again, hyung. Please.”

“Hoba,” Yoongi smiles, feeling the tears streaming down his face. “Hyung’s sorry for scaring you.”

“I love you, Yoongi-hyung.”

“Hoba?”

“Yes, hyung?”

Yoongi has his eyes closed but he can feel Hoseok’s gaze on him. “Would Seokjin-hyung be okay with it if I asked you to cuddle me? Until I fall asleep, at least. Please.”

Hoseok just nods and lays down next to him, letting Yoongi be the little spoon as he hugs him tightly. He whispers sweet words to his ear to make him fall asleep, but Yoongi knows Hoseok just wants him to believe it. 

He turns between Hoseok’s arms and looks at him, the younger boy’s eyes widening and Yoongi doesn’t know why he does it, he didn’t intend on doing such thing, but he craves attention and feeling like someone wants him and Jimin isn’t here.

So he tilts his head and suddenly, he’s kissing Hoseok. 

Hoseok doesn’t really kiss him back but Yoongi doesn’t stop, he keeps kissing him while he feels the tears streaming down his face because of what he’s doing.

He is kissing his best friend’s boyfriend because he feels lonely.

Yoongi scoots closer until he’s on top of Hoseok’s body, still kissing him and he should stop, because even if Hoseok hasn’t said no, his hands trying to push him back should be enough. Are enough. And Yoongi does stop, only because Seokjin is standing at the door, watching his best friend kissing his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry, fuck, hyung, I’m sorry,” 

Seokjin scoffs, watching him. “You should say sorry to him. He didn’t want it, did he? You shouldn’t have kissed my boyfriend, but consent is important, Yoongi. Don’t ever do that again.”

Yoongi looks at Hoseok as he sits next to him, Hoseok is not talking, he’s wiping at his mouth and Yoongi feels disgusted by himself, he shouldn’t have.

He fucking knows consent is everything, he fucking knows and he kissed him without asking him first. 

“Hoba,” Yoongi gulps, “Hoba, I’m sorry.”

Hoseok just nods, “Okay. Don’t do that ever again, please.” 

Yoongi nods frenetically, tries to take his hand but Hoseok doesn’t let him.

“We will be here until you fall asleep,” Seokjin says and Yoongi doesn’t say anything, he just lays down and suddenly, he’s being wrapped in a warm embrace by both Seokjin and Hoseok and he cries until he falls asleep.

—

The year after what happened, Yoongi still feels alone. Now the house is full of people, there are seven of them and beside him, their attention is on the new kid. It’s not like he doesn’t talk to him, he does. He helps him when the boy asks him to, he asks the boy if he can use his voice for some tracks he’s working on. They’re close and that’s what bothers him most: he hates him because he has Jimin’s attention and because Taehyung seems to not need him anymore. He hates him because Seokjin, Hoseok and Namjoon don’t look after him anymore like they used to and it’s okay, it really is. But he never had attention or love from someone and the moment he gets it, he loses it in a heartbeat. 

It’s summer and one night Taehyung goes to his room. They catch up about what happened in their lives and it hurts to hear Taehyung say he didn’t call him when it happened again and again and again because he felt like he was being a burden to him. Yoongi assures him that he never was a burden to him and he will never be one. 

They cuddle for a while until Taehyung is sleepy and goes to his room. Yoongi feels the urge to take some drugs but he wants to be sober. He takes courage and goes upstairs, knocking on Jimin’s door.

When he opens it, Yoongi might stop breathing. He seems to have just stepped out of the shower because he’s in sweatpants and he’s topless, his hair still wet. 

“What?” Jimin asks and Yoongi gulps down, he’s nothing like the Jimin he fell in love with but somehow he’s still the Jimin he loves. Jimin looks at him with the same eyes he looked at Yoongi back then.

But they’re not seventeen and fifteen anymore, Yoongi is twenty four and Jimin is almost twenty two.

“Can we talk?” Yoongi whispers and Jimin is almost scoffing. He takes his wrist and caresses the flesh carefully, “Please?”

Jimin sighs and nods, “Alright.”

Yoongi enters the room and Jimin closes the door behind him, inviting him to sit on his bed and he does, looking at him. 

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what, Jimin?”

“Like you did it back then when you don’t fucking mean it.”

Yoongi is the one scoffing. He stands up, walking towards him, Jimin walking backwards until his back hits the wall. “Yeah?” Yoongi asks, coming closer to him until their foreheads brush. “And what the fuck do you know about meaning it, Min?”

“I don’t, because I didn’t mean anything that happened between us.” Jimin’s answer is like a punch to the gut but he knows he’s doing it on purpose. Jimin is hurting him on purpose. “But I just know that you didn’t mean shit.”

Yoongi chuckles. “You’re just trying to hurt me and you’re good at it, I must admit it. I’ve been hurting since I left Busan. But I’m not a coward like you.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.” Yoongi’s fingers are brushing Jimin’s jaw as he keeps talking, “Want to know why?” 

Jimin is affected by Yoongi and he can tell because Yoongi knows Jimin’s body the best, it always responds automatically every time Yoongi is near and Jimin knows it, too.

“I’m not a fucking coward.”

“Then, answer me and be honest,” Yoongi says as he takes in Jimin’s much more sharp face, he looks because he can and because Jimin is letting him, otherwise he could’ve pushed him away and he’s not.

Jimin nods and Yoongi asks, “Did you confess to Jeongguk?”

Jimin’s gaze lowers and he takes his plump lower lip with his teeth, biting and tugging nervously at it. Yoongi brings his thumb and index fingers to Jimin’s chin, lifting his face up. Their noses brush and Yoongi whispers, “I know you didn’t.”

Jimin tries to speak but nothing comes out his mouth and Yoongi lets his thumb graze over Jimin’s plump lips, his heart beating dangerously in his chest. 

“You just thought I was in love with Taehyung because you misunderstood and decided to hurt me and tell me that you were going to confess to him. You’re the coward between us, Min. I confessed so many times and you didn’t even notice because you had heart-eyes for someone else when I had them for you, all along. I was right in front of you, giving you my love and you talked with me about giving your love to someone else. So many times I wished to be Jeongguk, just so you could look at me with the same glisten your eyes had whenever you talked about him. I just wanted you to see my love, Jimin. I never wished of you reciprocating my feelings because I don’t deserve to be loved, much less from you, it is as simple as that. But I can see something’s changed and I need to know if you at least like me, too.”

Yoongi gulps down, he feels his heart in his throat as Jimin bites his lips. The moment Jimin shakes his head, Yoongi’s world crumbles down. It feels like he just stabbed him in the chest when he hears his next words.

“It’s just physical attraction. I’m sorry.” 

Yoongi nods and smiles at him. “That’s fine.”

Jimin sighs and searches Yoongi’s gaze until they lock. Jimin brings a hand on his waist, pulling him closer, their lips brushing. “Yeah?”

Yoongi just nods because he doesn’t trust himself enough to speak without his voice breaking, his eyes closing as Jimin’s digit find their way under Yoongi’s t-shirt.

Jimin is coming closer and Yoongi knows because he can feel Jimin’s breath over his lips as he speaks. “You’re so easy to lie to, Yoongi-ssi.”

“What?”

“Hyung,” Jimin whispers, taking his hand with his free one and hissing when he feels Yoongi’s cold hand. Doesn’t matter how hot it is, Yoongi’s hands are always going to be cold. He wouldn’t mind having someone’s warmth heating up his hands and Jimin’s are so, so warm. “You’re cold.”

“Always been,” Yoongi shrugs.

“Shouldn’t I be able to change that?” Jimin asks, intertwining their hands. His thumb caressing the back of Yoongi’s hand. 

“Don’t know,” Yoongi whispers, “Shouldn’t you tell me what the fuck is going on? I just want to know, Min. I miss you so, so much.” 

Jimin hums, letting their lips graze. There is a small pressure on his lips but the moment Yoongi chases after Jimin’s lips, the younger pulls away. “Think about it, Yoongi-ssi. If I didn’t have any feelings for you, would’ve I let you be my first kiss and my first time?”

Yoongi’s heart trembles as he looks at Jimin, “Then why did you reject me when I was confessing?” 

“Because I really thought you were in love with Taehyung. Suddenly you were not looking at me anymore and you would always assure yourself if he was doing good or not but you didn’t ask me if I was doing good anymore. It was like I didn’t exist anymore for you and that hurt me, a lot. Because you always had your attention on me but some time along the way you just stopped. I really did have a crush on Jeongguk and I wanted to confess, I’m not gonna lie. But I didn’t, not because I am a coward. I didn’t because I know Taehyung and Jeongguk like each other and I would never do something like that to my best friend. I rejected you because I was hurt.”

Yoongi’s eyes widen at Jimin’s words, he comes closer to him and their noses brush, they’re so close but Yoongi still wants more. “You stopped caring about me looking at you, Min-ah, that’s the truth. Because I never fucking stopped.”

Jimin takes his lower lip in his mouth, his eyes still looking right into Yoongi’s. “Are you still..”

Yoongi watches him with his eyebrows raised, waiting for Jimin to finish but he doesn’t. “Don’t be a coward and tell me,” 

Jimin huffs and Yoongi smiles, bringing his free hand on Jimin’s side, his cold hand coming in contact with Jimin’s warm skin makes his skin erupt in goosebumps. “Tell me, Min.” Yoongi whispers, his lips grazing over Jimin’s jawline and he loves how Jimin’s back arches to be closer to him.

“Do you still like me?”

Yoongi chuckles. “Grow some balls, baby. Ask me what you really want to know.” He says as he attaches his lips to his jawline, starting to leave wet kisses on it and smirks when he feels Jimin’s breath heaving.  

“Hyung..”

“Use your words, baby.”

“If that’s still true,” Jimin whispers, letting Yoongi’s lips kiss his neck next. “Tell me you’re in love with me, please.”

Yoongi starts to suck and bite at Jimin’s neck, leaving a purple bruise on it. “Do you think you deserve it?” Yoongi asks, his voice a mere whisper as his lips starts to leave kisses over Jimin’s bare shoulder.

Jimin shakes his head, “No,” he answers. But there’s something in his voice that breaks Yoongi’s heart so he stops kissing his shoulder and takes his head with his hands, looking at him.

“What is it?” Yoongi asks, brushing their noses together. “Hmm?” 

“Taehyung is way more beautiful than me so I’d understand if you like him and I know I don’t—”

“Baby,” Yoongi stops his rambling, his thumbs caressing the apple of his cheeks, his eyes searching Jimin’s. “You rejected me because you thought I was in love with Taehyung?” 

Jimin doesn’t look at Yoongi, he closes his eyes and just nods. It hurts him that he wasn’t able to convey to Jimin his feelings, but he thinks it normal to not being able when you had no one who taught you how to.

“Do you remember what I told you once?”

“You told me a lot of beautiful things,”

Yoongi hums. “When you told me about talking with your parents about who you were.”

“Who am I? Bisexual?” Jimin chuckles.

Yoongi shakes his head. “You’re Jimin, not bisexual, not anything. Just, Jimin.”

Jimin’s lips tremble.

”Do you remember, Min?”

“You told me I was special,” He gulps. “Worth it,” Jimin opens his eyes. “Precious,” Yoongi nods and smiles at him.

“And what, Jimin?”

“That I was irreplaceable to you.”

Yoongi scrunches hi nose, “More precisely, Min.”

“That I’m irreplaceable to you.”

“Correct.” Yoongi whispers, both of his hands bringing Jimin closer to him, their lips touching. “You’re still irreplaceable to me,” His hands starts caressing Jimin’s side, his gaze moving between his eyes and his lips. “Does it answer your question?”

Jimin doesn’t talk, he just nods. He open his mouth to say something but doesn’t, Yoongi thinks he’s scared of giving himself away to Yoongi because he’s insecure of himself. Otherwise Jimin wouldn’t shutter himself like he’s doing right now because when they were younger he was, not always but still, the one who initiated something between them.

“Can I kiss you, Min?” 

“What?”

“You don’t have to say yes. I’m sorry.”

“No, hyung. I want you to. I’ve been wanting to kiss you since you left. It’s me, why did you ask?”

Yoongi lowers his gaze. “Consent is important, Jimin. I don’t want to do anything if you don’t give me consent.”

“I always want you to kiss me but thanks for asking, hyung. It means a lot to me.” Jimin says and his arms are now around Yoongi’s shoulders, his arms sliding around Jimin’s waist, bringing him impossibly closer to him.

Yoongi decides he doesn’t want to know, he doesn’t want to because he knows something happened to him otherwise Jimin wouldn’t be like this but he will let him talk whenever he feels like doing so.

“So,” Yoongi whispers, “Can I?”

Jimin nods and finally, Yoongi is kissing him.

—

They’re having breakfast when Yoongi comes out of his room, he notices Hoseok’s gaze on him because he knows he looks like shit, he just snorted a couple of lines and he’s not really mentally there. He doesn’t acknowledge Jimin is next to him when he passes the coffee to him, Yoongi just takes it and pours it in his cup. It’s been weeks since they kissed and Jimin ignored him after it happened.

They’re not really talking but the one who stands out more is Jeongguk, because he’s on his phone and he’s giggling and Yoongi smiles at the sight of him. Jeongguk looks so boyish and he’s really, really pretty. 

His smile drops when Taehyung speaks and he knows something happened because he’s shaking, but no one notices. 

“Stop fucking smiling at your damn phone!” His voice nearly a shout, his table spoon slamming on the table with force and his gaze is now on Jeongguk, who currently looks like a lost puppy, his doe-shaped-eyes widening, the other five people’s eyes following him. “We’re eating breakfast, Jeongguk. Don’t be a child like always and put the damn phone away.”

Jeongguk starts biting his lower lip nervously,  not really sure why Taehyung is acting like that and Yoongi kind of understands him. He doesn’t know why Taehyung is being like this and if only Taehyung could let Jeongguk into his world, he wouldn’t try to scare him off to make Jeongguk detach from him.

“He’s not a child, Taehyung.” Hoseok says softly but still firmly, his gaze holding Taehyung’s, whose jaw is set. “Jeongguk can do the fuck he wants, he’s nineteen. You’re twenty-one. What right do you have to scold him when you just put your phone down?” Hoseok scoffs, slamming his spoon on the table. “Flash news, Taehyung. Jeongguk can do the fuck he wants, just like everyone else. So, kindly, just shut the fuck and eat your damn breakfast.”

Yoongi always liked Hoseok for that, he loves the six of them wholeheartedly, but he doesn’t back off when it is right to put them on their place. This time Yoongi can’t really defend Taehyung’s behavior, even if he knows that something might have happened, it doesn’t justify how he’s treating the kid. Fuck, his lower lip is fucking trembling as he tries not to stare at Taehyung and his heart aches for Jeongguk. 

“Is it him?” Taehyung suddenly asks, ignoring what Hoseok just told him and the latter huffs, and the younger one between them just looks at Taehyung, without saying anything. Jeongguk starts abusing his lower lip and Yoongi understands he’s nervous and he wants to do something, but of course Jimin’s hands are on Jeongguk’s, caressing them, and he can’t tear his gaze away. “Look at yourself, Jeongguk. Giggling like an idiot because you really think someone could be stupid enough to be interested in you.” 

Yoongi wants to chuckle because he literally just called himself stupid, but he doesn’t want to intervene. 

“I think I did the wrong thing defending you from Yeongcheol. Maybe he was right. Even your parents—”

And Yoongi doesn’t really know what Taehyung’s talking about, he doesn’t really know Jeongguk to know about his past. 

His eyes widen when Yoongi hears Jeongguk saying, “Fuck you.” He clears his voice before speaking again. “Nobody asked you a damn thing back in the day, so it you need someone to blame,” He stops, making sure to lock his gaze with Taehyung’s. Then, “Then fucking blame yourself. Because I was getting ready to be fucking beaten up, like the usual, but you wouldn’t know that, right? Then shut up, Taehyung. Just don’t.”

His gaze shifts to Taehyung, watching his chest rising and falling way too fast, his voice strangled and loud when he says, “The one who doesn’t fucking know a thing it’s you, Jeongguk.” He stops, takes a deep breath and speaks again. “Just. Shut up.”

Yoongi notices Taehyung is trembling and after taking a deep breath, he stands up and Jeongguk goes after him, taking his hands. “How can I know when you’re not telling me anything?”

“And i won’t tell you shit, Jeongguk.” Taehyung says, yanking his hands away from Jeongguk’s. “Like I won’t kiss you nor fuck you, so fucking stop trying to seduce me because I don’t want to do anything with you.”

Yoongi’s heart aches when Taehyung speaks next, because if someone ever said that to him, if Jimin ever said that to him, he would be breaking right in front of him. “You fucking disgust me.”

“Taehyung.” Jimin says, firmly. 

“What? Didn’t you know Jeongguk is trying to seduce me?” Taehyung chuckles, turning his body towards Jeongguk. He searches his eyes and Yoongi wishes he could just stop hurting himself and Jeongguk. “You’re such a whore, Jeongguk. Look at yourself.”

Jimin instinctively goes behind Jeongguk, his arms around the younger’s waist, caressing his chest as it raises and falls too fast.

“What?” Jeongguk whispers and Yoongi looks down, his heart aching. “I-I’m not. Darling—”

Taehyung’s shouting, then. “Don’t call me that! Shut the fuck up, Jeongguk. Shut up!”

“Taehyung.” Seokjin calls, “That’s enough,” He sighs and comes closer to them, shielding Jeongguk with his body and looks at Taehyung, his hands taking his face between them, caressing his cheeks. “Calm down, please.”

“You don’t mean any of the bullshit coming out from your fucking mouth,” This time is Namjoon talking, his hands caressing his shoulder, trying to soothe him. “Just calm down and apologize to Jeongguk, please.”

“No.”

“Taehyung,” Yoongi sighs and makes his way out between the six people standing way too close to each other, he scoots closer to Taehyung and asks Seokjin and Namjoon if they can move and when they do, he takes Taehyung between his arms. Taehyung’s forehead naturally falling on his shoulder. “Don’t do it. Don’t. You’re not like him,” Yoongi whispers, his hands caressing Taehyung’s back, his lips leaving a kiss between his hair. “You’re not, and you don’t want to hurt Jeongguk like this.”

Taehyung sobs in his arms and he takes him in his room, closing the door and lying down with him, trying to calm him down. 

They stay silent for as long as Taehyung wants to. Yoongi cuddles him, just trying to soothe him. He sometimes leaves soft kisses between his hair but stills when Taehyung talks.

“Jaehyun’s friend got something on my drink yesterday. They took me to my room and waited until Jaehyun got here. He did what he wanted and got it on tape. What I’ve told to Jeongguk? Jaehyun told it to me yesterday. I didn’t— I didn’t want to hurt him. I just know Mingyu is better than me and it makes me so angry that he makes him smile and I can’t bring myself to even kiss him.” 

Yoongi caresses Taehyung’s hair, he lets the silence linger a little longer before he speaks again. “Why don’t you let yourself feel what real love feels like?” 

“Because I don’t deserve it, hyung.”

Yoongi smiles. “So,” He says, “Do you feel love towards Jeongguk?”

Taehyung closes his eyes and Yoongi feels him tremble so he tightens his grip on him and caresses his back. “What love am I supposed to give him when I’m so rotten inside? He deserves so much more than the love I could give him.”

“He could heal your rotted love and make it bloom for what it really is, don’t you think?”

“I don’t want him to know my rotted side. I can’t let him in, I can’t let him give me his love because once he does I’m not sure I can let it go and someone like me, hyung, doesn’t deserve love. Or to be loved by someone so pure like Jeongguk.”

Yoongi gives him a kiss and locks his gaze with Taehyung’s. “Don’t make the same mistakes hyung made. We may be rotted inside, but we are so much more than our past, Taehyungie.”

Taehyung shakes his head, and he’s crying again. “I’m always gonna be defined by my past.”

“Not true,” Yoongi whispers, leaving a kiss on his forehead. “You’re defined by the things and people you love, for what you give to people and most importantly, for your heart. And yours is one of the most beautiful and pure I’ve ever met.”

Taehyung doesn’t answer, he just tightens his grip on Yoongi and that’s enough. It will always be enough between them. To just be in each other’s arms and let their gestures talk for them. 

—

Yoongi starts doing really bad mentally that summer. Between him and Jimin everything’s good, he knows that sometimes he said Taehyung’s name while he was balls deep inside him and it bothers Jimin, but he never said it because he was thinking of him while having sex with Jimin, he would never. 

They always have sex in Jimin’s room which is across Taehyung and Jeongguk’s one and he just happens to know Taehyung allows himself to cry only when Jeongguk is not in there and he just heard Taehyung sobbing many times. But he understands why Jimin is ignoring him, after all he cock blocked Jimin many times just to go and calm Taehyung down. 

The seven of them are having a day together in the pool, he’s not fond of these things but he does it because he’s fond of the guys he’s been living with. 

He’s going to the kitchen when he hears Jeongguk saying, “Is it Yoongi-hyung?” he assumes Jimin nods since he can’t see them and he doesn’t speak, and then, again, Jeongguk, “What happened?”

“We started hooking up the beginning of this summer,” Jimin says and it hurts to hear him saying this because he knows he’s at fault for leaving Jimin alone when Taehyung needs him, but to say they just hook up when he confesses for the nth time? “We talked about it because it’s almost two months and I thought, you know,” He hears Jimin sniffing, then, “That maybe he would understand that he felt the same. But after we talked about it, Yoongi decided to end it. He understood I have feelings for him.”

And Yoongi doesn’t really know why Jimin’s lying like that when they didn’t talk about it and it’s the first time he hears Jimin say he has feelings for him, so what is he really trying to pull out?

Why does Yoongi have to be the one who has to be the bad guy of the situation?

“And he doesn’t?” He hears Jeongguk say and after a moment, he sighs. “Look, hyung. I don’t want to delude you but, from what I see, Yoongi-hyung looks at you the same I look at Taehyung. And I guess that says a lot.”

He hears the smack of someone lips, he guesses Jeongguk just gave Jimin a kiss. “Just give him time, okay?”

“I’m tired, Jeongguk. I’ve liked him for so long and I really thought that giving my body was enough to let him like me back. I’m such a fool.” 

And that’s enough, it really is. 

“You are, Jimin. Fuck. I never wanted you for just your body and I hate you think that way of me.” He says and he can see both of them startled, he despises seeing Jeongguk stroking Jimin’s cheek before standing up and walking towards him. 

“He’s vulnerable right now. I know you know it. But don’t break his heart, hyung.” Jeongguk whispers to him and pats his back and Yoongi hates Jeongguk so fucking much because he has no right to tell him not to break Jimin’s heart when Jimin has been breaking his for so long because of Jeongguk.

“Do you really have to lie, Jimin? Do I really deserve it?”

Jimin doesn’t reply because he knows he’s at fault this time, he fucking knows he’s hurting him and at this point Yoongi thinks Jimin enjoys it. 

“You’re hurting me, hyung.”

Yoongi’s eyes widen. “Me?”

“You’re the one who always leaves me alone to go to Taehyung! What the fuck am I supposed to think, huh?”

“Can’t you just stop assuming things? I know I’m at fault for that but it’s not what you think, for fuck’s sake. I—”

“While you left me alone all these times I just stopped to think if all of it is really worth it and it’s not, hyung. Not for me, at least. I don’t even know who I like more.”

And that fucking hurts. “Wait,” Yoongi gulps, “You’ve been leading me on while you didn’t even know if you had feelings for me? Is that it?”

Jimin gulps. “I do.” He says, and he’s answering, but then, “But I think I still like Jeongguk.”

“You can’t have feelings for two people. So please be honest. Who does your heart want, Jimin?”

Jimin looks at him and firmly says, “Not you.”

Yoongi’s heart is breaking apart for the nth time and he doesn’t even know if he’s gonna be able to put the pieces back together. It hurts so much and he doesn’t even know why he has to suffer so much.

“Then — Why would you say things like that to Jeongguk if you don’t mean it?”

It takes a lot of efforts to talk without his voice breaking, Yoongi is doing his best to not cry in front of Jimin but his chest hurts. He doesn’t even know if he’s breathing properly, he just looks at Jimin and his eyes are so numb. Jimin never looked at Yoongi like this.

“I just wanted a reaction from him. Wanted to have him closer to me. I don’t know, I just missed him and—”

Yoongi gulps down but he stops Jimin from talking. “Let’s just stop here, alright? I’m not your fucking toy to use to your pleasure just to get a reaction from the person you fucking want to be with.” He says and then, tears just starts streaming down his cheeks. “I’m sorry I’m not Jeongguk, Jimin. I’m really fucking sorry.”

Yoongi doesn’t know if hurts more the fact that he’s never going to be loved or Jimin’s silence at the sight of Yoongi’s tears falling down his face. He never cried in front of him before, never. 

—

So, naturally, Yoongi detaches himself from Jimin and he doesn’t even know how he passed the next four years without letting his heart break every time he notices Jimin giving his attention to Jeongguk, even if he’s been in a relationship for the past four years with his fucking best friend.

It’s not like they don’t talk anymore, they do. But it’s nothing like it was before they came to Seoul. And Yoongi misses it, but Jimin is so stubborn and he stills thinks he’s in love with Taehyung when it would just take Jimin to look at his eyes to understand just how much Yoongi loves him.

The only way to not think about him is by getting high as fuck and fucking other people even if he doesn’t feel anything as he pounds into girls and boys alike. 

He’s not really lucid when Taehyung comes to his room at three in the morning, but when he sees him crying is like the effect of the drugs goes away and his heart is thumping way too loud in his ears. 

“Come here, Tae,” He says, taking his arm and letting him sit on his bed, “What happened?”

“My mom knew,” Taehyung says, taking deep breaths and Yoongi stands up just to crunch down at the same height as Taehyung’s, taking his hands on his. “She knows everything that happened to me. She knew, hyung. And didn’t do anything to protect me. Anything. And I can’t blame her, because she suffered so much because of him. But it hurts to know that she just let it happen.”

“Tae,” Yoongi calls him, caresses his hands as he looks at them. “I know it hurts. I can only imagine how all of this is hurting you, but do you think she wouldn’t help you if she could? You’ve been going through so much pain and trauma that you think she’s at fault, but is she really?”

Taehyung bites his lower lip and shakes his head. He lets him cry, doesn’t tell him to stop or anything like that, he just lets him go through his emotions. “I know she’s not. I’m just mad at her because—” He stops.

“Why?” Yoongi asks, searches his gaze and locks it with Taehyung when he finds it. “What happened?”

“I’m leaving, hyung. Tomorrow.”

“What?”

“I have to leave you all behind, hyung,” Taehyung whispers, one of his hand coming to his chest, hitting it with so much force that Yoongi feels as if Taehyung was hitting his chest. “I have to break up with Jeongguk, hyung. I have to leave him behind and I have to make him hate me because he can’t know my past. He can’t. I’m not ready to tell him what I really am.”

Yoongi takes Taehyung between his arms and hugs him tight, caressing the back of his head hoping Taehyung doesn’t feel him trembling. “You aren’t your past, Taehyung. You’re never gonna be it. Jeongguk loves you for who you are, for your heart. He’s never going to judge you for something you could never control. It’s not your fault. Believe me.”

Taehyung keeps crying and Yoongi keeps caressing the back of his head and tightens his grip when he feels his body trembling violently. “Take a deep breath, Tae. It’s going to be okay. Here, focus on me.”

Yoongi takes his head between his arms and locks their gazes, taking a deep breath and nods as he watches Taehyung following him and taking a deep breath with him. They keep going until Taehyung’s breathing turns normal. 

“I want to go to him. I want to spend the time I have left with Jeongguk.” Taehyung whispers and Yoongi nods, he lets himself be held and his heart clenches because he can’t do anything to help him even if he wants to.

—

The next day, Kang is coming to their house to give Yoongi what he searched for. Not having Taehyung with them isn’t something Yoongi ever considered and it hurts. He still thinks about the conversation they had yesterday night and it physically hurts not being able to help his family.

Because that’s what Taehyung is to him, family.

“Thank you, Yoongi-ssi. I really need it and I couldn’t find no one who know how to get it.”

Yoongi nods at Jaehyun and narrows his eyes, doesn’t really know why he’s here and what are the real intentions behind this encounter. He smiles at Yoongi and he hopes Kang comes faster so he gives Jaehyun want he wants and leaves. His presence irritates him. 

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Jaehyun announces and Yoongi nods, finding after it happened what Jaehyun really did.

Jaehyun goes upstairs, finding Taehyung and Jeongguk’s room in a matter of seconds. He opens the door and hears someone sobbing, so probably Taehyung’s in the bathroom crying and he smirks. He finds some bottles of alcohol open and knowing what Taehyung is going to drink, he puts the drug he already had in his pocket in it and shakes the bottle. 

He goes downstairs as soon as he finishes and sits on Yoongi’s bed, asking him if he can lend him his phone because his is out of battery. 

Yoongi’s brown furrows and he can’t help but question him, “What the fuck are you doing here, Jaehyun-ah? What do you want?”

Jaehyun shrugs, looking at Yoongi. “I’m waiting for my stuff. Once it arrives, I’m leaving.”

Yoongi shakes his head and he open his mouth to say something but Namjoon calls him, asking him if he can go to his room since he needs some advance for the music he is making and he nods, music always comes first and right now, Jaehyun can go fuck himself for all Yoongi knows. 

“Don’t you try anything while I’m away, you fucker.” 

So Yoongi goes to Namjoon’s room and misses the smirk Jaehyun has on his face. He doesn’t really count time, so he doesn’t know how much he stays with Namjoon, but once Kang arrives Yoongi pays him and thanks him.

His hands is on the door handle when he hears Taehyung’s muffled voice and a “Hyung, stop, you’re hurting me,” and his heart sinks.

Jaehyun is not older than Taehyung.

Jaehyun has the same fucking age.

That’s when reality hits him and it feels like it’s his seventeen birthday all over again.

The beat of his heart accelerates as he tries to open the fucking door but fucking Jaehyun locked themselves in it. He asks the spare keys of their rooms to Seokjin and he tries to ask’s what’s happening but Yoongi doesn’t answer, he takes them and goes to his room, opening it.

He stills in front of the scene, it makes him want to throw up but fortunately, Taehyung has still his clothes on and Jaehyun is trying to get him naked.

Yoongi can tell Taehyung’s high and he can only assume fucking Jaehyun drugged him and it brings him back to four years prior and his chest hurts. It hurts so bad.

He walks towards them and yanks Jaehyun away from Taehyung’s body, he slams him on the nearest wall and punches his face as long as he sees red painting it. Jaehyun reacts but he doesn’t feel anything, he just keeps punching him until he drags him out of their house with the promise that if he ever comes closer to him, Yoongi will fucking kill him with his hands. Jaehyun smirks and goes away, promising that that’s not the end.

He runs to Taehyung, who’s still shaking and closes the door, laying next to him as he takes him between his arms. He knows that Taehyung’s high as fuck and when he wakes it will be hard to explain what just happened but for now, he rocks Taehyung between his arms and repeats I’m sorry  into his ear like a mantra. 

Once Taehyung falls asleep, he lets himself fall asleep, too. But it doesn’t do him anything good, because he dreams about what happened when he was seventeen. He sees cover sheets covered in blood and his heart clenches. Yoongi’s sure he cried all the time because he wakes with dry tears on his face.

His heart starts thumping irrationally when he doesn’t find Taehyung next to him, he eyes every corner of his room and when he sees him with his back to the door, curled to himself, it feels like someone is stabbing him into his chest with a knife. And Yoongi would rather it to be true than the look on Taehyung’s face.

“Taehyung..” He says, stands up and walks towards Taehyung but the sound of his strangled voice makes him halts.

“D-Don’t touch me.” Taehyung whispers, his eyes empty. “Don’t fucking come closer. I don’t want you to.”

“Listen to me, Taehyungie, please.”

Taehyung chuckles but it’s strangled, “Why would I? You’re — Fuck! You’re just like everyone else and it fucking hurts, hyung. Because you— Damn it! You’re the one who always witnessed what I’ve been through, what came after and now.. Now — You’re just — Fuck!”

“No. No, Taehyung.” Yoongi shakes his head frenetically, fights the urge to come closer to him and he doesn’t even care that he’s crying in front of Taehyung. It hurts that he thinks that he’s just like everyone else who took advantage of him, but how can he not? Everything leads to Yoongi abusing him when he just tried to protect Taehyung, clearly failing, because now Taehyung can’t even look at his eyes. “I would never, Tae. Believe me, I— I didn’t touch you. I would never touch you like that—”

“Like what?” Taehyung chuckles, “Like Yoonbin did back then?”

Yoongi’s vision becomes blurry the moment Taehyung says these words and maybe it’s batter if Taehyung starts to hate him. He knows that if he says it was Jaehyun who tried to abuse him Taehyung would believe him. But he tricked him, Jaehyun got him drugged with God’s knows what and acted like Yoongi, just to make Taehyung come to him and have his way with him and Yoongi fucking hates himself. It’s his fault it happened anyway. He was the one who left Jaehyun alone in his room with his fucking phone, so it’s only fair if Yoongi takes the blame and Taehyung hates him, right?

“Maybe being assholes runs in our blood,” Yoongi whispers and his heart fucking aches to hear Taehyung sobbing, he wants to, too, but he has to make Taehyung hate him. Yoongi is not a bad person, he knows it. But maybe, if everyone starts hating him, it will be easier to leave. “I was high as fuck. Wanted to have fun.” He says, shrugging, his lips trembling but Taehyung won’t notice, he’s not looking at him anyway.

“Fuck you, Yoongi. You could ask anyone to have sex with you if you wanted to have fun. Not me. Not me when you fucking know my past!”

He doesn’t answer, he can’t. He can’t because nothing would come out of his mouth. Taehyung then looks at him, “You disgust me, Yoongi.”

It’s batter this way, Yoongi thinks.

—

“Watch your mouth when you’re talking to me, Jeongguk-ah.”

Yoongi decided that it’s better if Jeongguk hates him, too. He’s going away soon, anyway. He can’t be here, not anymore.

Jeongguk scoffs, “Then don’t talk shit about me, you asshole.” Jeongguk says, turning his body towards Yoongi. “You just need me to be the bad guy, don’t you?”

Yoongi stands up, walking towards Jeongguk and taking him by the collar of his t-shirt. “I said watch your fucking mouth!” He says, looks at Jeongguk and then speaks again, “I won’t stand by and see how you treat Taehyung like shit when he’s given everything he possibly could to you!”

“Fuck you,” Jeongguk spits out, “I don’t need to hear all this shit when you fucking know everything I did for him! You just want me to be the bad guy because you want him for yourself,” Jeongguk says, looking at Yoongi dead in the eyes. “If there’s someone who needs to be the bad guy, then it’s you.”

Yoongi fucking knows everything he did for Taehyung and can’t really deny it, but how could Jeongguk think he had feelings for Taehyung when all he did was make sure he was safe when he didn’t felt like that? Yoongi has always looked at Taehyung with such fondness because he was his very first friend and the one who always accepted Yoongi for who he was. That’s it.

But he will make sure Jeongguk believes that what he is saying is the truth. It’s better this way.

It will come a time where Yoongi is going to say the truth, he knows. But he can’t anymore.

“What the fuck?” Yoongi asks, tightening the grip on Jeongguk’s collar. “I’m not gonna repeat myself anymore, you fucker. Watch your fucking mouth when you’re speaking to me!”

Jeongguk scoffs, “Who do you think you are, huh?!”

“Someone who loves Taehyung more than you,” Yoongi says and he sees Jeongguk’s gaze hardening, his eyes fierce as he looks at Yoongi. 

“Of course,” Jeongguk chuckles, “You tried your very best to take him away from me, aren’t you happy now that is over?” Jeongguk asks, this time being the one taking Yoongi by the collar of his t-shirt. “Was Jimin-hyung just a joke to you? All these years? What a fucking scumbags you are. You disgust me.” 

You disgust me. It’s working, Yoongi thinks.

“That’s none of your fucking business,”

“Oh,” Jeongguk chuckles, “But it is. The one who saw Jimin crying because of you was me, not you. You asshole,” Jeongguk scoffs, “Go on and make Taehyung hate me, if that’s what you want. But he will never love you, Yoongi. His heart will alway be tied to mine’s.”

It’s so hard to believe Jimin cried because of him when four years and a half ago he was the one to put an end to whatever the fuck they had.

Because of the very guy he’s fighting right now.

Yoongi chuckles, “How silly of you, Jeongguk. Taehyung has never loved you. Not even a second the two of you spent together.” 

His heart clenches at his words because he wouldn’t want to be in Jeongguk’s clothes, hearing those words surely hurts and he knows, he fucking knows it. But he needs Jeongguk to hate him so he can go away and leave them all behind. The rotten parts of their friendship group are all his fault, so it’s only fair if he is the one who leaves them. No one should be sad if he leaves, anyway. He knows Seokjin hasn’t forgotten when he kissed his boyfriend, Hoseok surely hasn’t forgotten being kissed without his consent. Once Namjoon told him Jimin was very pretty, that he would like to court him but Yoongi laughed at his fucking face and said Jimin would never want someone like Namjoon. Jimin doesn’t love him. Taehyung thinks he’s like his brother. Jeongguk thinks he has been in love with Taehyung all along. He hates him.

That’s why he says, “The day he left, we had sex, Jeongguk. Taehyung wanted me to be his last time, not you.” He says, pointing his finger on Jeongguk’s chest, “Me.”

“You’re lying,”

Yoongi chuckles. “I’m not. He cheated on you with me, Jeongguk.”

“Fuck you!” Jeongguk yells as his punches lands on Yoongi’s face, he can tell Jeongguk didn’t expect to really punch him, but he takes it. He shoves Jeongguk and suddenly he’s on the ground with Yoongi on top of him. 

The next words meant but not for Taehyung, not at all.

“I was there first, Jeongguk. I deserve Taehyung more than you’ll ever deserve,” His hand moves automatically, he lands punches all over Jeongguk’s face, speaking at every punch he strikes. “You don’t know a fucking thing about Taehyung,” Another punch, near his eye. “You don’t know him like I do,” This time he’s sure Jeongguk tastes blood in his mouth. 

His heart hurts to see Jeongguk so weak, not reacting but crying because of the things he just said.

Jeongguk can’t even look at him. That should be good, no? 

“Yoongi, stop! You’re gonna hurt him!” Namjoon says as he takes him from Jeongguk’s body and takes him away, shaking him. “What the fuck, hyung?” He whispers. 

“Jeongguk-ah? Do you hear me?”

Jeongguk nods. “Make it stop, hyung,” His voice comes out strangled. “Please,”

“What? What do you want hyung to do, little one?” Seokjin asks, taking Jeongguk between his arms. Jeongguk’s head now resting on Seokjin’s broad chest, Seokjin’s hand moving alongside Jeongguk’s back. And Yoongi hates him even more, because he just want someone to take care of him like this, but he’s rotted, there’s nothing to take care of or to love.

Yoongi doesn’t deserve it.

“Make it stop,” Jeongguk whispers, “My heart. Make it stop, please.”

“I wish I could take your pain away, Jeongguk-ah,” Seokjin says, hugging Jeongguk closer to him. “Why was Yoongi beating you up? What happened?”

Jeongguk chuckles while crying, “You don’t know?”

“What?”

“He’s an asshole. I beat him up first, though.”

“Okay,” Seokjin says, taking Jeongguk’s face between his hands. “But why? What happened between you two?”

“Keep Hoseok close to you, hyung.”

Yoongi head snaps to Seokjin and he lowers his gaze when he sees Seokjin side eyeing him.

“What are you talking about?” Seokjin asks, “Talk to hyung,”

“You never know who’s gonna betray you, hyung,” 

“It was bound to happen anyway, Jeongguk. He doesn’t love you,” Yoongi says and Jeongguk chuckles.

“What the fuck happened?” Seokjin rises his voice, looking at the two of them.

“He’s an asshole. I already told you.”

“Taehyung cheated on him with me,” Yoongi says, looking at Seokjin, “What are you gonna do? You want to beat me up, too?” 

“What?” Seokjin asks, his gaze hardening.

His lower lip is trembling and he hopes Seokjin doesn’t notice it. 

“You’re kidding,” Namjoon says, looking at Yoongi, “Fuck, hyung,” He sighs, “Tell me you’re joking,”

“I’m not.”

“What about Jimin, huh?” Namjoon asks.

“What about me?” And of course fucking Jimin is suddenly behind Namjoon, “Why are y’all here? Have you seen Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk. Of fucking course. It seems that no one really cares that Yoongi, too, has been punched. No one cares about it. They just care he punched Jeongguk and that Taehyung presumably cheated on Jeongguk with Yoongi.

They don’t fucking care about him.

Jimin makes his way between Yoongi and Namjoon and finds Jeongguk on the floor, between Seokjin’s arms. “W-what happened?”

“Yoongi beat him up,” Seokjin says, starring at Yoongi. Seokjin’s cold gaze makes Yoongi shiver. “But Jeongguk did it first,” 

“You found out, didn’t you?” Jimin asks crumpling near Jeongguk, taking his hands. 

What? Did Jimin hear something and thought they were having sex when Yoongi wasn’t even in the room? What the fuck?

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you but I-“ Jimin sighs, “I was trying to take care of my heart and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you,” Jimin says, coming closer to Jeongguk. “I’m sorry, baby,”

Yeah, taking care of his heart because Yoongi is such an asshole. He loves hurting his people. Of course. 

“You knew?” Jeongguk and Namjoon whispers at the same time and Jimin nods, wiping his tears. “They weren’t so discrete about it,” Jimin whispers and that makes Yoongi think about what the fuck did Jaehyun do. He’s sure he hasn’t touched Taehyung, he opened the door before it could happen. Did Jaehyun make Taehyung do something he didn’t want to? 

“Yoongi,” Jeongguk speaks, wiping his tears. His voice more stable now. “Don’t ever come close to me every again. You’re dead to me,” Jeongguk says, standing up. Seokjin and Jimin do the same, staying behind him.

“You’ve been dead to me the moment you took Taehyung away from me,” Yoongi says, replacing Taehyung’s name with Jimin’s in his mind and his eyes drop to Jeongguk’s taking Jimin’s hand. “You would make such a pretty couple,” Yoongi chuckles, tries not to fucking sob since he can feel his eyes brimming with tears.

He doesn’t hear his answer, he just waits until Jimin and Jeongguk close the door behind them and he crunches down, crying his heart out but neither Seokjin or Namjoon make a move. 

No one fucking goes to him to tell him it’s alright and what hurts the most is what Seokjin says next. 

“Old habits die hard, huh?”

And with that, Seokjin leaves followed by Namjoon. 

Yoongi is alone and not even when he lived in the streets he ever felt this lonely. But that’s good, that’s what he wanted. It’s good if all of them ends up hating him, Yoongi has always been alone, after all.

It just hurts because they filled his heart with so much love and now, because of him, there’s nothing left.

No one cares about him anymore. 

Yoongi doesn’t really miss feeling like he felt when he lived on the streets, but he guess he is not meant to be loved. He is better off all alone.

“Hyung..” Someone says, Yoongi is crying so hard and shaking so violently he doesn’t really register his voice, but he does feel his arms around him and he doesn’t deserve it.

Yoongi doesn’t deserve Hoseok.

“Don’t.” Yoongi whispers. “Go to Seokjin. I don’t want him to think I’m doing something with you.”

“Seokjin trusts me.” Hoseok says as he stands up with Yoongi between his arms, hugging him from behind. Hoseok hugs Yoongi until he’s sure he’s not trembling anymore, because it’s Yoongi who distanced himself from Hoseok. “Don’t. You’re my best friend, hyung. I’m here for you.”

“Then don’t fucking be! I want to fucking die and it’s your fault I’m still here! I was done, Hoseok. I was ready to fucking die because nothing gives me hope anymore. No one cares about me. I want to fucking —”

“I do.” Hoseok says, walking towards him. He takes his face with his hands and looks at him, their noses touching. “I care so much about you,” Hoseok whispers, Yoongi feels his hands trembling. His eyes finding Hoseok’s. “Blame me for saving you all you want, I won’t regret it. Not even one bit. You may see the world in black and white right now, but I promise you, hyung,” He says, his hands sliding down, between his jaw and his neck. “I promise you, life is worth living. You’ll soon be able to see the world in colors if you let yourself see it. Please. Do it for me if you can’t do that for you. Do it for us, we all love you, Yoongi.”

He shakes his head. “That’s not true, Hoba. Seokjin? He fucking hates me because I kissed you without your consent and he’s right. Can’t blame him. Namjoon?” He chuckles, “He has always had a crush on Jimin and I fucking laughed at his face, I made him feel small because I was jealous. Just the thought of him having a chance with Jimin broke me. Jimin? He fucking loves Jeongguk, he has always been in love with him since we were fucking kids. Taehyung? He should hate me, I’m not different from my brother and he has every right to think I took advantage of him. I did it with you, why wouldn’t I do it with him, too, right?” Yoongi says, gulping, a mix of chuckles and tears making him a mess. “Jeongguk hates me because I told him Taehyung cheated on him with me when both of them would literally die for each other. I fucking lied to him to make him hate me. And you, Hoba? You should fucking hate me too, so please, do as them. Hate me so I can find the last reason to kill myself tonight.”

Yoongi has never seen Hoseok cry and right now all Yoongi wants to do is to erase Hoseok’s broken expression from his face, wants to see him smile again, because that’s what heals his heart. At least Hoseok, who has always been Yoongi’s other half, deserves to be happy, to be loved.

“Shut up,” Hoseok says, hitting his chest with one fist. “Fuck,” He curses, looks directly into his eyes and Yoongi feels like Hoseok can see the good that his heart has left, that not every part of him is rotten. “If you could just..” Hoseok gulps down, his hand returning to his face, their foreheads against each other. “See how much we all care about you, how much you’re loved, you wouldn’t talk like this. No one, Yoongi, no one fucking hates you.”

Yoongi doesn’t believe his words. At least, the voices in his head are telling him that Hoseok is lying, that no one really loves him and he knows. He doesn’t fucking know what it means to be loved, he never had parents to show him and teach him how to love. He just does, deeply. But no one returns his love.

“Talk to me, hyun. Tell me what happened and why you’re so broken. I want you to understand the world has so much color in it and it’s so beautiful to be alive. Something to be grateful for, you know? Open your heart to me and I’ll take care of it every day. Please, Yoongi-hyung.”

And Yoongi does. He tells Hoseok everything. All his life. All the hurt. About Jimin. About not being able to feel loved because in a way he felt played by Jimin. He knows that talking about him is the only thing that makes his eyes feel alive, but what’s the use when Jimin’s eyes glisten at the sight of Jeongguk? He tells him everything. He tells Hoseok how sorry he is for kissing him that night, that he never wanted to do it — not because Hoseok isn’t handsome or some shit like that — because he has seen his brother doing bad things without others people’s consent. Then he tells him about what happened with Taehyung and by the time he finishes, Hoseok is crying. Yoongi is laying down and his head is on Hoseok’s lap. 

“You’re so brave, Yoongi-hyung,” Hoseok whispers, caressing his hair and Yoongi doesn’t say anything, he just let Hoseok’s touches calm him down. “And I’m sorry if you felt like it was batter to take the blame. I understand why you did it but Taehyung would believe you if you told him the truth. He was just scared. That motherfucker has some kind of grip on him that makes him feel nothing and I hate it.”

Yoongi nods. “It’s better this way, Hoba. I wanted to leave everyone before you all could. I have to finalize things but I’m going to America soon.”

“What?”

Yoongi hums. “I have to start somewhere new, Hoseok. I feel like suffocating here.”

“Promise me you’re not going to do anything extreme. I need you alive, hyung.”

Yoongi wishes to be alive, too.

—

He hates seeing Taehyung being so aware of his surroundings once Yoongi sits in front of him and Jimin. He hates the look on his face what he says to Jimin, “Got tired of playing boyfriends with Jeongguk?” He hates that Taehyung says he asked Jimin to come along because he doesn’t trust to be alone with him. The moment the word rape comes out of Jimin’s mouth, all he sees is red. He thinks about what Yoonbin did to Taehyung, but to make Taehyung hate him more, he says that what happened is not that, that Taehyung wanted it and he hates to see the hurt in his eyes. He fucking hates to play the part when he has been in love with Taehyung all this time when his heart always pulled him back to Jimin.

The only truth that comes out his mouth is that he is jealous of Jeongguk, that he’s got everything he doesn’t and he fucking hates it. How Taehyung and Jimin had forgotten about him the moment he left Busan, how everyone’s attention was on Jeongguk and not him. He sees the hurt in Jimin’s eyes when he says it’s thanks to Hoseok if he’s still alive. He hates it. Hates to play along the fucking play he himself created. Yoongi is himself’s puppet, he’s the one doing the play while being controlled by himself and only himself. And Yoongi hates it.

When he’s about to leave, he asks Taehyung if he’s going to come at his birthday just to know if he has to keep playing in front of Jeongguk. When Taehyung nods, he knows what to do.

After turning the corner, he waits for one of them to come out of the bar and he spots Jimin leaving first. He takes his wrist, gently and Jimin turns towards him. “I have to talk to you, please, Min.” He says, pleads, and Jimin looks at him and by the looks he gives, he must be pitying him, so he just nods.

They’re walking near the Han River with a cup of coffee each, silence keeping them company. After quite some time, they sit under a three. Not really minding the cold air of the end of February. It’s almost his birthday but it never felt so special, so he doesn’t think of it as something grandiose. 

“What do you want to talk about?”

“So many things,” Yoongi whispers, but he doesn’t. He can’t tell Jimin everything because he doesn’t want to pity him. Or he wants to, he does. But it was enough to feel his gaze when he told him and Taehyung about his attempts. “But I’m gonna talk about what happened with Taehyung and I just need you to listen to me. I won’t ask for anything else, just, please listen to me.”

Jimin sighs and nods. “Talk, then. I’m listening.”

Yoongi takes a deep breath. “Do you remember my seventeenth birthday? It was almost eleven years ago.”

Jimin nods and Yoongi tries his best to not let Jimin see his trembling hands. It’s not like he cares, anyway. “I do.”

“I told you to go home that day, didn’t I?”

Jimin nods.

So Yoongi, without thinking about it, tells Jimin his story. Not some of it, all of it. He tells him how he has been homeless until he came to Busan, he tells him about the verbal abuse he received from his brother, how Yoonbin once tried to take advantage of him. Everything. He tells him everything.

“It’s not my place to tell but..” Yoongi gulps, takes a sip of his coffee and looks ahead. He doesn’t want to look at Jimin and see the pitiful eyes that are adorning his beautiful face. “That day my brother abused Taehyung.” 

The images of that day starts to play out in Yoongi’s mind and it hurts, it hurts because he didn’t fucking know back then what his stepfather was making Taehyung do. He never once regretted being hit by that asshole if it meant Taehyung’s safety.

“Fuck,” Jimin curses, suddenly feeling his eyes burning a hole in his fucking face. “And you did the same fucking thing?”

“Min.” He says, firmly. His hands shaking. “Let me talk. You can cuss at me all you want, but let me finish first.”

Jimin huffs and sips his coffee, Yoongi mirroring is actions and takes a deep breath. “The day Taehyung left,” Yoongi stars, his eyes closing and his head falling back into the tree. “Jaehyun came over and asked me if I could provide him some drugs. I told him that I could but he had to wait for a bit and he just agreed. Then he told me he had to go to the bathroom and I didn’t really trust him. But this motherfucker — and probably all of you, — didn’t know that I had video cameras installed in the house. I was afraid Yoonbin could get inside without us noticing so I had to make sure he was safe, you know? After he returned he asked me my phone and it was so fucking suspicious. Then Namjoon came to me and asked if I could help him with some tracks and.. you know that — that music is life to me. So I just agreed and left Jaehyun in my room. I noticed it after but he fucking texted Taehyung with my phone and I guess he acted like he was me because when he told me he needed the bathroom he.. He went to Taehyung and Jeongguk’s room and put some drugs on Taehyung’s beer. When I returned I heard Taehyung speaking like he was speaking to me, he was calling Jaehyun hyung when they’re the same age. What I’ve seen when I was seventeen years old started replaying in my head and I was fucking scared, Jimin.” Yoongi says, his voice trembling but he doesn’t care, he has to say the truth to Jimin. He already told Hoseok to act like he doesn’t know anything because he knows he has to be the bad guy again and again. “When I opened the door Jaehyun was forcing Taehyung to get naked and I was glad I came in before it could get worse. Taehyung then fell asleep and I just hugged him because I was so sorry and I felt guilty I couldn’t prevent the harassment, but then he woke up and he accused me of trying to abuse him and I just played along. I have actual footage of what happened so if you don’t trust me I can show you.” He shrugs, takes a deep breath and speaks again. “Then I told Jeongguk he was cheated on and that Taehyung wanted me and not him, I wanted him to hurt like I’ve been hurting all these years. Because I’ve been loving you for so long, Jimin, but you only have eyes for him. And I couldn’t take it anymore.”

After he stops talking Yoongi feels his heart less heavy. He feels like he can breathe again without fearing to be too much. He feels like he can start living again. Now that Jimin knows, he can start again somewhere else.

“Why aren’t you say anything when I’m confessing to you, Min? Haven’t I done it like one million times by now?”

Meeting Jimin’s silence makes him feel cold. Much more than the February breeze hitting his cheeks.

“Why did you take the blame?” Jimin asks then, sniffing and Yoongi’s head turns towards him, seeing Jimin wiping his tears breaks his heart. 

“It’s easier. I did bad things to all of you so it’s only fair if the six of you hate me.”

“Bad things?”

Yoongi nods. “One time I kissed Hoseok without his consent. He forgave me but Seokjin is still bitter about it and I can’t blame him. I laughed at Namjoon when he told me he wanted to make his move on you. I made Taehyung believe I was just like my brother. I always hated Jeongguk because he has everything I don’t, you included. And I hurt him on purpose. And I hurt you too, didn’t I? Making you believe I always loved Taehyung when I always had my eyes on you.”

“You never loved me.”

Yoongi looks away and his gaze drop. “When will you stop stabbing my fucking heart and making it bleed?”

This time Jimin looks at him. “You just say these things to make me believe you. But I can’t, hyung. You’re still not the one my heart wants. You will never be.”

Yoongi chuckles softly. “I know. But I’m telling you how I feel, again and again, because you never wanted me to say I love you and I’m tired. I do love you, more than you can imagine and that’s alright if you don’t. I already accepted it.”

“Good.”

“Can I ask you one thing?” 

“You want to know if I played with you all these years? Yes, I did. Because I knew you could never say no to me. That’s it.”

Yoongi nods and he breaks his own heart as he says the next words while looking at Jimin’s empty eyes. They used to spark when he was with him. “Thank you for making me learn how to love someone, Jimin. And for giving me a purpose when I had nothing. Thank you, Min.”

—

The day of his birthday he comes home earlier than he anticipated. He opens the door and hears someone talking so he comes closer to the kitchen and notices Jimin and Jeongguk are there.

“How can you be at fault when you’re in love, Jimin?”

He hates that Jimin still makes Jeongguk believe he’s in love with Yoongi when all this time Jimin has been loving and admiring him. 

He decides to take a peek of what’s happening and when he sees Jimin and Jeongguk so close to each other his heart sinks. Jeongguk is holding Jimin’s face with his hands while Jimin’s are on Jeongguk’s wrists.

“I’m pathetic,” 

“I said drop it, Jimin,” 

The only thing Yoongi sees dropping are Jeongguk’s eyes to Jimin’s lips. And his thoughts are consuming him, don’t kiss him, do not kiss him, don’t kiss my Jimin.

“Think about Taehyung. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret.”

“I don’t want to,” A pause. “I’m tired, hyung.”

Jeongguk is closing his eyes and Jimin’s fingers are caressing his wrists. One of Jeongguk’s hand drop to the small of Jimin’s back and the only thing Yoongi can think is It’s happening. Jimin’s hands are now on Jeongguk’s sides, he brings him closer and leans forward, his lips almost touching Jeongguk’s and he wants to throw up. Jimin smiles and fucking Jeongguk leans in and fucking kisses Jimin. He hopes Jimin yanks away, he wants Jimin to do so but the moment he sees Jimin kissing Jeongguk back, he knows he’s losing him. 

But Jimin never was his to begin with.

And Yoongi will always be Jimin’s.

He doesn’t want to see more so he goes away, runs away from the house and cries his heart out until he feels like he can’t breathe anymore. He doesn’t know how much time passed but when he returns home and sees Taehyung, he wants Jeongguk to hurt like Yoongi has been.

“Taehyung-ah?” Yoongi says, coming closer to Taehyung and smiling, hoping no one sees his red eyes. Taehyung might think he’s high and that’s even better. No one needs to know how weak he is. But he knows Hoseok will notice, because he always does. 

“Happy birthday, hyung,” Taehyung says and smiles, hugging him and Yoongi fears to break down between his arms. But he has a play to do, hasn’t he?

“Thanks baby,” Yoongi says as he leaves a kiss on the corner of his lips. He hopes Taehyung forgives him.

He sees Taehyung frowning and tries to say sorry with his eyes, he whispers a Don’t call me that but then he sees Jeongguk looking at them and he smirks.

“Did you cry?” Yoongi asks genuinely as he looks at him, Taehyung’s eyes go wide and shakes his head. 

“I didn’t.”

“Of course you cried,” Yoongi says and walks closer to Jeongguk. He looks at him and takes his chin with force, making sure they lock eyes. “And who’s fault is that, huh?”

Jeongguk looks at him but stays silent.

“Do you enjoy hurting Taehyung, Jeongguk-ah?” Yoongi chuckles, making sure Jeongguk feels his digits on his skin. “Do you?”

“Fuck you,” Jeongguk spits out and Yoongi’s fist is landing on his cheekbone. Jeongguk looks at Taehyung before taking his wrist and stopping him. 

“Drop it, Yoongi. Letting Taehyung see yourself like this won’t make him fall magically in love with you.”

Yoongi tries his best not to look at Jimin and just chuckles, “Yet,” Yoongi starts, walking closer to him. “He cheated on you with me.”

Yoongi fucking hates himself when he hears a sob coming out from Taehyung’s mouth and feels Jimin’s hard gaze on him.

Jeongguk hums. “That’s what you’ll always be for him,” Jeongguk says, “A mistake.”

For Jimin, too.

And Yoongi punches Jeongguk again until the grip on his wrist hurts. Jeongguk yanks his wrist away and goes to Taehyung, taking him between his arms and Yoongi looks at Jimin, tries to memorize all his features, as if he doesn’t know them by heart.

He locks his eyes with Jimin and he hopes he can read them, can see how much he loves him. But Jimin’s gaze drop and that’s a reminder that Jimin doesn’t want him. Never will.

He’s going to leave anyway.

He doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday but he does because it’s the last time he’s going to celebrate it with his friends. Well, he’s not sure he has them anymore. 

Hoseok tries his best to make everyone comfortable and he thinks he’s going to miss him the most. They do take a group photo but he feels like none of their smiles are genuine and he hates to feel Jimin’s hand on his back while Jeongguk is back hugging Jimin. 

“I’m leaving for New York in a few hours.” Yoongi says when they’re eating the cake Jimin prepared before making out with Jeongguk.

Suddenly he wants to throw up.

“What?” Jimin says and Yoongi tries his best to not let his heart hope.

“Some agency listened to my tracks on SoundCloud and offered me a contract. I’m going there to analyze it and if everything is alright I’m going to work as a producer for artists under the label.”

Hoseok stands up and goes to him, making Yoongi stand up, too. And suddenly he’s being held by his arms. “I’m so proud of you, Yoongi-hyung.” 

Yoongi arms are around Hoseok’s waist and he feels Hoseok tighten his grip. Suddenly, Yoongi doesn’t care about being weak. He cries between his arms. Four more pairs of arms are holding him. And Yoongi knows the ones that are missing are Jimin and Jeongguk’s. 

But it’s alright. He didn’t expect otherwise.

When everyone is asleep he takes his suitcase and exits his room. He has his left hand on the door handle when he feels a hand he knows all too well taking his wrist.

“Hyung,” Jimin whispers, his grip tightening around his wrist and Yoongi gulps, turning towards him. “Are you leaving because of me?”

“No,” Yoongi says, shaking his head. “I’m not. I just need to give myself a new start. I have nothing left here.”

“You have me.” Jimin whispers and Yoongi keeps shaking his head.

“I don’t, Jimin. I never had you.”

“You — I,” Jimin starts, his mouth opening but nothing comes out.

“Jimin,” Yoongi whispers, taking away his hand. “I wish you the best with Jeongguk.”

“What?”

“I saw you earlier. I saw you two kissing and I’ve never seen you so happy to just kiss me and that was a reminder that you don’t want me and you will never want me. And that’s okay, Min. I just wish you the best with him. Now you have your chance.”

Yoongi tries his best to give him a sincere smile and walks closer to leave a kiss on his forehead. “Be happy.”

Yoongi turns around and opens the door, closing it without looking back. 

It’s done. He’s going to start anew and wishes to just stop hurting.

—

When Hoseok confirms him that Jimin and Jeongguk are sleeping together, it doesn’t hurt him as much as he imagined. Maybe because he suspected it might’ve happen sooner or later. And he accepted long ago that he’s never going to be with Jimin.

He’s almost thirty and he’s still crying about the boy he fell in love when he was a teenager. So he starts to sleep with more people, women and men alike, he just wants to forget Jimin’s body and his moans and everything that has to do with him.

When he decided to come back to Seoul to talk to Jeongguk, he just wanted to tell him the truth. All of it. To ask for forgiveness, to be alright again. 

Instead, he told Jeongguk how much he hates him, how he ruined everything Yoongi had. His friendship with his friends, what he could’ve had with Jimin.

But Yoongi regrets it.

He doesn’t expect to receive a message from Jimin when is on the plane to go back to New York.

min:
did you tell jeongguk something that could potentially hurt him?

Only Taehyung knew Yoongi was going to talk to Jeongguk, so he must’ve told Jimin.

yoongi:
i might have
why?

min:
i fucking hate you

yoongi:
and what’s new about it?

min:
what did you tell him?

yoongi:
what i’ve told you and taehyung
and that i abused taehyung sexually. it’s better this way 

min:
are you satisfied now?
are you happy about telling a guy who would give you the moon if you asked that you hate him?
what else, yoongi?

yoongi:
i told him that he fucking ruined my life
what about it?

min:
fuck you
i hate you

yoongi:
cool

min:
can’t you see that there’s a fucking problem?

yoongi:
fucking tell me then?

min:
jeongguk fucking overdosed
what you told him was his last straw. are you happy now?

Yoongi never felt more at fault than this time in his life. Yoongi told Jeongguk things that he was sure were going to hurt him. His aim was to hurt him, he knew he was doing so but he didn’t care. His heart hurt while looking at Jeongguk, seeing his face while Yoongi was telling him how much he hates him, how much he ruined his life. But he didn’t regret it the moment he was spilling such hurtful things to him.

He does, now.

He knows that Jeongguk is hurting so much because he doesn’t understand what is going on and Yoongi lying to him about something that didn’t happen in the first place is only confusing him more. But to think Jeongguk fucking overdosed because Yoongi had to put more salt to his wounds, he had to twist the knife and make Jeongguk’s already bleeding heart bleed some more, it fucking breaks him.

Yoongi rarely cries.

Only Hoseok has seen him crying.

And now, Yoongi is crying at the thought of Jeongguk wanting to end it all after everything he told him. He was so worried about hurting Jeongguk the way Jeongguk has been hurting him since he came into the picture that he didn’t realize Jeongguk was hurting, is hurting too.

yoongi:
keep me updated, please.

min:
k

—

min:
fortunately he’s safe. mingyu called the ambulance just in time
taehyung is in south korea rn

yoongiI:
i’m really glad
thank you for telling me

min:
its alright 
i need to tell you something 

YOONGI: k

min:
i actually moved away from seoul, i live in america now
i already met namjoon hyung, it’s been a while 
can we meet?

yoongi:
why would we?

min:
because i need to resolve something i should’ve done many years ago

yoongi:
why now?

min:
you were right. i was always a coward when it came to you 
i don’t want to be one anymore

yoongi:
what makes you think you have the right to?

min:
i just want to make things right, we dont have to end up together 
if that’s what you want

yoongi:
so now it matters what i want?
didn’t it matter all this time?

min:
please, hyung. i just want to talk 

yoongi:
i don’t feel like doing it
have a good day, jimin

min:
min
it’s min for you.

yoongi:
lol whatever 

—

Yoongi doesn’t know how to take in the fact that he’s in America and has seen Namjoon before coming to him. Well, it’s accurate that he didn’t want Yoongi to know, but coming back to him now, just because he can’t have Jeongguk anymore, doesn’t sits right with him. 

He’s tired of being in pain. Of suffering. He has been on his own for all his life, only Hoseok knows half of what happens in his head, he doesn’t need Jimin to see his rotted heart.

“I know you can do better Yoongi, c’mon,” His name falling from this stranger mouth doesn’t sit right with him either, he doesn’t know why he tries to refuge in others people’s body, he doesn’t really want to. But he does, because the aching he has been feeling all his life for Jimin has only brought him back to a bad place, mentally. 

“Why don’t you shut up and take it?”

“Why don’t you fuck me like you mean it?”

“Because I don’t. Leave.” He puts his half hard dick back in his pants and waits.

The girl looks at him with wide eyes and sighs, putting her clothes on and exits Yoongi’s room after a Fuck you leaves her mouth.

Yoongi rolls his eyes and follows her to his front door and when he opens it, he surely doesn’t expect to see Jimin in front of him, his hair wet from the rain, his eyes red.

Jimin’s gaze widen as he sees the girl leaving his house, Yoongi’s eyes falls to Jimin’s lips and they’re trembling. Yoongi doesn’t know if it’s from the chilly air of New York or because of the sight across him.

“Fuck,” Jimin chuckles. “I’m going. I shouldn’t have come.”

“You’re here now, aren’t you? Go on and say what you want to say.”

Jimin looks at him. “Are any of your other fuck toys coming here for you to fuck or maybe we could talk?”

“A bit low coming from you,” Yoongi says, looking back at him. “To compare people to fuck toys when you studied psychology, isn’t it?”

“A bit low coming from you to fuck other people when we all know you want only me.”

Yoongi chuckles. “A bit low coming from you to say something like this when you’ve been wanting me since you were fifteen but fucked Jeongguk just to have his attention. Because mine wasn’t enough, was it?”

“Guess I like attention, don’t I?”

“Guess you do. Not from me, though. Since you’ve been rejecting me for all this time.”

“Especially from you,” Jimin says, comes closer to him as he talks, his cold hands reaching out to touch Yoongi’s wrists, bringing the older’s hand on his face. He doesn’t hiss when he feels his cold skin, Yoongi has been cold since forever, he doesn’t retreat his hands away. Can’t. “Always from you.”

“Yeah?” Yoongi asks, his fingers trying so hard to not touch, caress. He lets his fingers linger where Jimin put them, but doesn’t touch. “Guess you like Jeongguk’s attention better. Was it good to finally have him, hm? Is he better than me? Ah,” Yoongi chuckles. “Can’t tell anymore, can you? I haven’t fucked you in almost seven years. Don’t know what I feel like anymore, do you?”

“Why don’t you remind me, then?” Jimin asks as he starts walking closer to Yoongi, Yoongi finding himself walking backwards as Jimin strips himself from his wet jacket. He still has his hand on Jimin’s face, tries to take it off but Jimin doesn’t let him. “Never said you could stop touching me.”

“Never said I wanted to.”

Jimin chuckles, his small hands coming up to reach Yoongi’s sides, bringing him closer. “You always want to touch me. I’m the one who doesn’t let you.”

“Things change, Jimin. I don’t want to touch you.”

“It’s Min.” Jimin whispers, his gaze locking with Yoongi’s and he wishes he could be better at lying to himself, to Jimin. To tell him that he doesn’t want anything to do with him, to tell Jimin that he shouldn’t be like the rainbow after a storm to Yoongi, that he should and needs moving on. To live a life where his heart isn’t broken because of him, to live a life where his heart doesn't feel alive because of him.

That’s everything Yoongi ever wanted.

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Yoongi doesn’t answer, doesn’t know what to say. Because yes, his hands are aching to reach, to touch, to caress. But he doesn’t want his heart to hurt anymore.

Jimin comes even closer, putting his forehead on Yoongi’s shoulder, his breath ghosting over his chest. His hand is still on Jimin’s cheek and when he tries to move it, Jimin tightens the grip he has on his sides. 

Yoongi sighs and drops his hand on Jimin’s shoulder. “What are you doing?”

He feels the shape of Jimin’s smile on his chest, his own lips tugging up in a small smile, recomposing himself shortly after.

“We’re not seventeen and fifteen anymore, Jimin. You’re almost twenty eight, shouldn’t you be able to speak your mind?”

“I’m a coward, aren’t I?”

“Stop being one then.”

“Let’s do what we both are good at and then we’ll talk.”

Yoongi scoffs. “I’m not having sex with you.”

“Mmh,” Jimin hums, his lips finding its way to Yoongi’s neck, leaving a few wet kisses on it. “It’s never sex between us. So you’re right,” Jimin whispers, lips leaving kisses to his jawline. “We’re not having sex. You’re going to make love to me like the very first time.”

“Why would I?” Yoongi whispers back, his lower lips shaking. 

“Because I want us to be teenagers again. I want to go back to the first time you kissed me,” Jimin whispers, his soft lips still against his skin, “to the first time you made love to me. Then I want to talk about us.”

Yoongi scoffs. “There’s nothing to be said about us. You’re in love with Jeongguk.”

Jimin then looks up, his hands coming to Yoongi’s nape, caressing it. He stands on his tiptoes, his forehead touching Yoongi’s. “I’ll explain everything to you, later. Now I just want you.”

“What about all the times I wanted to have you close and you willingly chose someone else? Do you really think it’s fair?”

“It’s not. I’m a coward and selfish. I want your attention. Can’t you just give it to me? Please.”

“And then what? We talk so you can break my heart one more time?” Yoongi asks, looking at his eyes. His lower lip still trembling, Jimin’s eyes brimming with tears. “I’m tired of willingly letting you break my heart, Jimin.”

“Then let yourself be willing to let me be the one who heals your heart. I’m tired of breaking it, too.” 

Yoongi chuckles, walking away from Jimin’s touch. He can’t do that, he can’t. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean, Jimin. You’ve been lying to me all these years, I’m tired.”

Jimin comes closer to him, doesn’t answer. Yoongi’s heart beats faster than it should be doing right now, it clenches when he sees tears falling to Jimin’s cheeks, his whole body trembles when Jimin takes his face between his hands and presses his lips against Yoongi’s.

He stills. His hands ache to touch Jimin, to hold onto him, but he can’t. He can’t delude himself into thinking that he can have something with Jimin, he doesn’t want to suffer anymore. To let him break his heart all over again.

“Kiss me back,” Jimin whispers, his lips moving into his desperately, trying his best to have Yoongi kiss him back. “Please, hyung.”

And Yoongi has always known that he is a weak man for attention, for some kissing, for sex, for love. He doesn’t want to, he really doesn’t. But suddenly, he finds himself kissing Jimin back, his hands cupping Jimin’s cheeks. 

He tries to wipe his tears from them with his fingers, Jimin’s hands on his nape, bringing him even closer to him. Yoongi kisses him gently, doesn’t want to rush anything, he just wants to feel his lips crushing together like the waves do against the shore, like the sun hits his face when he looks up at it. 

Jimin arms circles his neck, standing still on his tiptoes and Yoongi’s big hands find its way to his sides, keeping him steady. He knows Jimin can feel him trembling, doesn’t come as much of a surprise to Jimin that his body trembles every time he touches him, but Jimin knows Yoongi can feel his body trembling, too. Never happened before, it a first for them and Jimin is not shying away, he’s letting Yoongi feel. Touch.

“What do you want from me, Jimin?”

Jimin chases his lips when Yoongi pulls away, kissing him again without letting Yoongi go. He tightens his grips on his neck, pulls him closer, their chests touching, their mouths moving together, hungry for each other.

“This,” Jimin whispers between his lips, keeps kissing him, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip, pulling it out and sucking it. “Want to feel you close. To have you.”

Yoongi is panting by the time he pulls away, stops Jimin when he chases again after his lips. “Wait. We should talk before doing anything else.”

“We will. I promise.” Jimin says, looking at his eyes and Yoongi doesn’t know what to say or do, because Jimin takes his breath away when he looks at him. His eyes so wide, soft and deep, his hands coming up to caress Yoongi’s hair. “I just — I spoke to my parents before coming. It didn’t went well, you know my Dad. Just — I need you closer.”

Yoongi sighs and looks at Jimin, his eyes so red from crying. His hand automatically comes up to his face, caressing his cheek. “You’re not. Whatever he told you, you’re not.” 

“Whatever.”

“Look at me, Min,” Yoongi says, looking straight into his eyes. Searching them until they meet. “I’m not doing anything until you tell me you’re not.”

“I can’t, hyung. He’s right. I’m a failure, I’m a disappointment. Studied psychology to help people and ended up teaching kids how to dance. I should be giving them a niece or a nephew and I’m still stuck to when I was younger. I’m still stuck to the same dick. How can I tell you I’m not when I am?”

“Hey,” Yoongi whispers, taking his face with his hands, their noses brushing together. “You’re not a failure nor a disappointment. You helped us more times than I can count whenever we needed someone. You understood us and helped us come back to our feet. You’re an amazing dance teacher and I just know it. I’ve seen you so many times and I’m always mesmerized when I see you dance. And no, Jimin, you shouldn’t be giving them anything. It’s your life, not theirs. Okay? You can love and be with whoever you want, you don’t have to be with someone just because for your parents you should give them little versions of you. Just be yourself, Min. You don’t have to be anyone else. Okay?”

“See?” Jimin cries while looking at him. “Do you understand now why I keep coming back to you even if I hate myself that I hurt you so many times?”

“It’s not about us, is it?”

“Yes. It is. You want talk? Let’s talk, then. C’mon.”

Yoongi shakes his head. “I want you to understand your worth. You’re not you father’s words. You’re not. You’re Jimin.”

“And what is Jimin’s worth? Let me tell you. Nothing. That’s what I am. I have no worth and I already accepted it. Now, can you please fuck me?”

“Your heart is worth more than you could ever know. You’re worth more than you will ever let yourself see.”

“Whatever.”

Yoongi sighs, he leaves a kiss on Jimin’s lips and takes his hand, bringing him to his room. Before letting the younger lay down on it, he changes the sheets and once he’s done, Yoongi turns towards Jimin and nods towards the bed.

Jimin lays down, Yoongi lowering himself on top of him, his lips leaving a kiss on Jimin’s forehead. “You used to have such a glisten to your eyes every time I told you the truth. What happened to it?” Yoongi asks, his lips grazing over Jimin’s nose, leaving a kiss to the tip. “Mmh? What happened to the spark your eyes had only for me to witness?”

Jimin shrugs, right hand coming up to wipe his tears. “I didn’t have you anymore to let them spark.” 

Yoongi looks at him and it makes his heart clench. He only saw Jimin crying like this when he was a teenager, they drifted apart without acknowledging it first. It just happened. And they hurt each other. A lot. 

He bends down to kiss Jimin’s pretty eyes, wiping away his tears, his forehead touching Jimin’s. “You chose to not have me anymore. I’ve always been yours.”

“Yeah?” Jimin whispers, his hands coming up to Yoongi’s head, tangling in his hair, caressing his scalp as he keeps talking. “I’m sorry I never gave you the chance to see what feels like to be loved by you. I fucked up.”

“Tell me about it.” Yoongi says and Jimin chuckles, his heart beating so fast. 

Jimin will always be Yoongi’s favorite melody.

“So you’re not gonna fuck before I talk, are you?”

Yoongi nods. “I can kiss you a bit longer. But I really want us to talk. We’re grown ups now, aren’t we?”

Jimin nods. “Mmh. We are. Kiss me some more, then.” Jimin says, his nose brushing with Yoongi’s. 

—

“So?”

“Let me talk. Okay? I don’t think I can if you answer to me right away.”

Yoongi nods and Jimin does too, takes a deep breath and then starts talking.

“I understood I was interested in boys, too, the first time I looked into your eyes. I don’t know what you had, but you attracted my attention. I would do anything for you to notice me, but I never had to try too hard because you always had your eyes on me. Every time I turned to look at you, you were already looking at me. Like sunflowers do with the sun. You followed my every step, my every glance, my every movement. I had always you worrying for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. You were always there for me and it scared the shit out of me. To have someone show this kind of interest to me.” 

“My mom has always been so supportive of me. With dance, with psychology. But never when it came to my persona. When I made mistakes while dancing or my grade didn’t satisfy her, she would always downgrade me. No matter what I did to make up for it, she would always remind me until she was satisfied with something else. My father used to call me a faggot when I told them I wanted to learn how to dance. I didn’t take it to heart, because at that time I didn’t know I liked boys, too. So I dated many girls just to let him see I never was one. When I told them I liked girls and boys, my father hit me for the first time. My mom was disappointed. I didn’t satisfy her. She came to my room after my father told me to not have dinner with them. A faggot couldn’t sit at the same table as him, he said. She didn’t tell me she was disappointed in me, but she did tell me that she would look out for someone who could help me. I told her that I was normal even if I liked boys and she told me I never was normal. Because I never satisfied the fantasy she had of me. I had to always work hard to receive a smile from her, but at some point I stopped because there was no point. My father stopped looking at me, but the hits never stopped. Not until I wasn’t underage anymore. Because I left, otherwise he would still hit me.”

Jimin takes a sip of water and Yoongi lets his head fall into his hand, looking at Jimin and letting him talk, cry, take deep breaths. After he places the glass on the table, Jimin takes Yoongi’s free hands and starts playing with it.

“At that time I didn’t know, or I knew part of it, but I was aware something was going on with Taehyung’s family. I never asked because Taehyung never talked about it. About his stepfather, specifically. So I knew I had him, but I wanted to be there for him. Didn’t want him to be worried for me. When I met you, everything changed. You had nothing but you gave me everything. Self-esteem, hope, happiness, love. I could give it all back to you but it scared me. My first kiss and my first time.. I wanted it to be you. I know I was still a fucking child but I’ve never felt more adult than at that time. I didn’t know a thing about love or sex, but you were it for me. When you told me I was irreplaceable for you, I think it was the moment I understood I was in love with you. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I felt all the love you always gave me, I knew I was it for you too, but that scared me. How easily you would give yourself to me when I was taught to always work hard to have something for me and with you.. I didn’t have to do anything. And it wasn’t my everyday life. Never was. To have you this easily, fuck, I was so scared. I always knew I loved you, but I tried to forget you by focusing on Jeongguk, which at that time was just a crush, I felt something for him but not as big as what I felt for you all along. But.. Trying to get his attention was what I was taught. It was hard to achieve and I had to earn it. That’s why I convinced myself I was in love with Jeongguk, that you were just something, not big enough to focus on you. Then I heard you and Taehyung talking. I heard you calling him baby, I heard you saying I love you to him and my mind went blank. I thought I lost you, that since I couldn’t give you my attention, you realized that I wasn’t what you wanted. That’s why I hurt you that day, saying to you that I was going to confess to Jeongguk. And I was going to but then Jeongguk told me he liked Taehyung. And I felt.. small. Like I couldn’t have no one because Taehyung was always going to be many steps ahead of me. Everyone seemed to be in love with him and I felt like if I couldn’t have Jeongguk, then I didn’t want anyone. Because I had already came to terms with not having you. So I bottled up all my emotions for you, I let you fuck me that summer because only then I was able to give love to you. And I lied to Jeongguk because I still wanted his attention. Then they got together, we weren’t exactly on speaking terms and I just.. felt numb.”

“Jimin..”

Jimin smiles to him and leaves a kiss on his knuckles, tightening his grip on his hands. “Then you took the blame for what happened the day Taehyung left and I thought, fuck, he really was in love with him if he could leave me in the middle of sex to go to him. I understand now why you did, but back then it hurt. And when I heard some moaning coming from your room and a strangled Hyung from Taehyung my heart sank. It hurt so much, hyung. I knew, deep down, that it wasn’t you. I knew something was going on but I couldn’t bring myself to do something. Then.. Umm.. your birthday came. Jeongguk was still very mad with you and he was hurt, I was, too. Because Taehyung texted me he was coming and I.. I knew you were going to act like you were in love with him and just the thought of that.. It hurt. Then..”

“You and Jeongguk kissed. I know.”

“What?”

Yoongi nods, his gaze dropping to their hands. “Mmh. I saw you two the moment it happened. I couldn’t bring myself to watch you two kissing so I left. Turned after a while to let y’all think I was just coming home. Told you the night I left that I saw you with him.”

“Right. Fuck — I’m sorry, hyung. I — I’m sorry.”

Yoongi shakes his head. “No need to be. It’s okay. Keep talking if you feel like it.”

“I did it because I finally had his attention and I know it was wrong coming for me. Wrong towards Taehyung and towards you. But at the time I just.. I just thought of what happened and I was hurt. I wanted to feel something and I guess Jeongguk did, too. One day we just got carried away and it happened and I thought it was ending there. But then it kept happening, we kept saying to each other we were just.. seeking comfort from the other and at some point I felt like I could.. fall for him for good. But I wanted to make up with you, more than anything. I wanted to give myself the chance I didn’t give to my younger self. So I put a stop to it and Jeongguk didn’t react well, he understood I was going away from South Korea and he felt like I was abandoning him, too. And I suspected he was doing drugs but I didn’t think it was that bad. I came here just for you, I talked to Namjoon hyung just to keep up with him and to ask him about you. How you were doing, how was work, if you were seeing someone. Then there was Seokjin’s party and I took the chance to talk to Taehyung and we made up. I expected to see you there, too. But you weren’t. By the end of the night Mingyu called Taehyung and told him Jeongguk overdosed.”

“I’m sorry. For everything. About that the most, though. I always felt hatred towards him because he had you wrapped around his fingers and I — I wanted to make him feel like I’ve always felt. Without minding he was suffering as much as he is doing. And I love that kid, Jimin, I swear I do. But I kinda of convinced myself of hating him because he had everything I didn’t. And for the record, I would give him the whole universe if he just asked me to. He isn’t the only one. And I hate myself for it, too.”

“I know. You’re good at telling lies but your eyes aren’t as good as you. They tell the truth you lie about.”

“Yeah?”

Jimin nods, scoots closer to Yoongi. Jimin’s legs over the older’s lap, his head suddenly resting against Yoongi’s chest, his nose gently rubbing against his chin. “I’ve hurt you so much, didn’t I?”

Yoongi hums, the hand where his head was resting now between Jimin’s hair. “Yeah, you did. But it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It hurt, I can’t lie to you and tell you I enjoyed it. But it’s alright, we’re grown ups now.”

Jimin nods against his chest, feeling his lips grazing his neck. “Could it ever be there a us in the story we’ve been writing since we met?”

“Do you want there to be a us?” Yoongi asks because Jimin knows Yoongi has been wanting it all along. To be with him. To let Jimin be his muse, showing him how many love songs Yoongi has written for him, how many melodies he has made have his name on it. 

Jimin comes closer to him, he lets their lips graze each other before pressing his lips against Yoongi’s. “Wholeheartedly.”

Chapter Text

Going on hasn’t been easy.

Sometimes he still recalls their first kiss or the first time he made love to him. The first time they said I love you to each other. He looks back at their memories with so much more fondness now because he remembers all the good, the happiness, the tears, the hurt, the what ifs. Everything.

Because everything was worth it. Even the bad things.

And Jeongguk doesn’t regret anything. He’s glad they had the chance to talk that day in the hospital, he’s glad Taehyung chose to tell him the truth and to not back off because he was scared. Of course things are still a bit awkward, they haven’t really seen each other since that day.

But he knows Taehyung has been doing good, if the pictures he shares on his Instagram (or in their group-chat) with his boyfriend are anything to go by.

The news of Taehyung being in a relationship five months after they met at the hospital didn’t came off as much of a surprise as he thought it could. He has to say that yes, it hurt. He cried when he saw some articles confirming Taehyung and Seojoon’s relationship, he cried the first time Taehyung shared a cozy picture of them together. He felt a pang on his chest when Seojoon shared a bunch of pictures of them watching the sunset, one of them kissing with the sunset behind them, one where the protagonist was only Taehyung, his boxy smile on display. One video of him painting the sunset before him.

He felt jealous. Because beaches and sunsets have always been something they shared with the other since they were kids.

But he doesn’t want Taehyung to live in the past, so it’s a good thing that he’s experiencing all kind of things, even the things they shared between them, with someone who isn’t him.

And above all, Seojoon seems a really good guy. 

That’s what matters most to Jeongguk. That the man who’s taking care of Taehyung’s heart is a good one. That he’s not going to make him sad.

And to say the truth, it eases his heart to see that Taehyung seems to be happy. Especially after learning about all the hurt he faced since he was a kid. There’s nothing more than Taehyung deserves and he really hopes he is.

Because it means that Jeongguk is not the only lucky guy who had the chance to meet and love someone as good as Taehyung. 

And someone like Taehyung deserves to be celebrated, chosen, loved, respected, cherished by everyone he meets. Because Taehyung is a good soul, the light he emanates is sparkling enough to cover the brokenness of what Taehyung thinks is something to cover up. All of us have wounds we’re not proud of but knowing the ones Taehyung covered all these years doesn’t make him any less special and precious in Jeongguk’s eyes.

A pair of lips leaving wet kisses on his neck diverts his attention from his thoughts and his hand comes instinctively to secure them on both sides of Sohee’s hips, bringing her close to him. 

“You’re letting your thoughts eat you again, aren’t you?” Sohee asks, leaving a kiss on his neck before pulling away and looking at him. Her hands come up to caress his face, her smile soft. 

“You don’t have to worry about me all the time,” Jeongguk says, grazing the tip of Sohee’s nose with his. 

“Of course I’m worrying about you.”

“Noona,” Jeongguk calls her, softly. He shakes his head as he says, “I know it almost happened again. I know you worried a lot, but I’m doing better, aren’t I?”

After everything that happened, Jeongguk tried rehab and therapy. Not everything went how he expected, so he sometimes failed and fell again. But he’s doing so much better now, thanks  to his therapist who is more than just that for him. 

Sohee brings both her hands on his face, caressing his cheeks. “You are. And I’m proud of you for that. But try to understand me a little, yeah? I lost my ex girlfriend because of it. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

“You’re not going to lose me.” Jeongguk says, stealing a small kiss from her. 

“You better keep that promise. I care too much about you and I’m not sure I can overcome your death.”

“Noona,” Jeongguk says, bringing her close to him. He goes forward with his body, letting their lips meet in a gentle kiss. Jeongguk kisses her for a while before pulling away. “You’re not going to witness me dying. That much I can promise.”

Sohee nods and puts her forehead against Jeongguk’s, giving him a kiss on the lips. Then another. And another. Until she kisses him and Jeongguk kisses her back, holding her close to him.

They’re not really a thing, they never slept together as of now. And they’ve been kissing for almost year or so, now and none of them necessarily needs more from the other.

It’s not like they’re in a relationship so it doesn’t matter if they do sleep with someone else, which he does, but if they ever come down to it, to try with each other, they promised to stop and dedicate themselves to the other.

Again, not because there are feelings. 

Jeongguk doesn’t really understand it, to say the truth. He doesn’t see himself in a relationship, he’s not ready yet, but he’s sure he really likes Sohee as a person. Jeongguk doesn’t understand as of now if it is a more platonic thing rather than a romantic one. If he’s ever ready to try again in the near future and Sohee wants something more serious, then he’s willing to try with her. Even if his mind tells him to try with someone else who actually can handle him, because Sohee is as fragile as he is and he can’t give himself to someone who is emotionally unstable just like him.

They’ve met many other times since that one night in the bar when they smoked weed together, she came to visit him to the hospital when he overdosed the first time.

And it hasn’t been easy, to say the truth. He still feels like doing drugs, just because it makes him feel lighter and the voices in his head stops, his intrusive thoughts go away. He recognizes that he’s been struggling a lot and that he never really got better. He just tried to be a better person, a more mature version of himself because he didn’t want Taehyung to see how bad the situation, the fact that he left, damaged him.

And Sohee has been by his side all this time. She has seen Jeongguk at his worst. Crying, screaming. Throwing tantrums at her, telling how it isn’t really fair how Taehyung is happy with someone else when he’s still stuck on the past, on him. Sometimes it almost gets physical, but Sohee always tries her best to calm him down and ensures him that he has nothing wrong, that it’s okay to react the way he does, that we’re all different and he can’t just accumulate all the hurt without letting it go little by little rather than bottling it up inside of him and exploding when it gets too much.

If she wasn’t patient enough with him, if she decided she didn’t want to put up with him, maybe she would be talking to his grave right now. 

He knows that he has a long way to go, he knows he has so much trauma he has to overcome and so many feelings he has been repressing since he was a child. But he’s feeling more free now.

After letting Taehyung go, it’s like he realized that there never really was a way to turn back the time and change their fate, and to say the truth, he just couldn’t keep living with the hope of Taehyung going back to him.

He knows, now, that they’ll always love each other. The fact that they’re seeing other people, that they’re moving on, doesn’t mean they’re forgetting all the paintings they created with the love they gave each other. Some of them buried in his heart forever, too many special moments he’s still so jealous of. Many, many others displayed for others to see, others inked on his skin forever. 

He still loves him, of course he still does. But he’s ready anytime to give himself a chance to love again when he feels like his heart is ready and isn’t scared anymore of being broken. Or if the person that is going to end up with him is willing to keep up with him and can promise to keep his heart safe.

Jeongguk craves love and he’s not ashamed of admitting it. He wants to love and to be loved. And if Taehyung isn’t the one who loves him anymore.

“What’s on your mind?” Sohee asks after pulling away and releasing his lower lip from her teeth-grip. She keeps caressing his cheeks and he can see how much she cares about him. He can feel it, too.

“Nothing bad, I promise.”

Sohee lowers her head and nods, tries to pull away from Jeongguk’s lap but he doesn’t let her, he takes her face between his hands and looks at her. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Noona,” Jeongguk calls her, tenderly, coming closer to her face and leaving a kiss on the right side of her lips, nuzzling her nose with his. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Sohee nods. “But I’m not going to. It’s clear we don’t want the same thing.”

“How can you be sure of it if you’re not going to ask?” Jeongguk says, starting to leave wet kisses on her jawline, grazing her lips with his. “Mmh?”

“Is it about sex?” Jeongguk asks when Sohee doesn’t answer and she just chuckles.

“I don’t care much about it, as of now. I—”

“What is it, then? Talk to me, noona.”

“Jeongguk,” Sohee calls him, tender voice and the gentlest smile on her face. “You can’t be that clueless, can you?”

“No beating around the bush. Just tell me.”

Sohee sighs, nods. “I know you’re not ready. I know you still love him. I know you’re not going to reciprocate my feelings now, nor ever. But I think I fell in love with you. I’ve known for a while. And what we have right now is cool for me, really. We can keep going just like this if that’s what you want. I just want you to know how I feel about you and if you’re going to ever be ready to.. move on.. from him.”

Jeongguk looks at her with so much fondness in his eyes and a small smile forms in his face. Actually, Sohee might be right. He might not fall in love with her, but he has so much love to give to others, so why should he deprive her of such feeling?

Everyone deserves to be loved and to say the truth it might be for the best, to try and see if he can actually fall for someone else. Time might answer all his question, so why should he deprive himself, too, of feeling such things? 

Taehyung might be a closed chapter forever for all he knows. He doesn’t really hope anymore for a better ending, he knows it’s no use to still hope when he already accepted everything that happened.

And Taehyung is going on with his life, he finally found his peace, he’s happy. He has someone who cares about him.

Jeongguk can’t interfere with his life anymore, he shouldn’t and he won’t. 

And to say the truth, Jeongguk doesn’t want to lead her on, doesn’t want Sohee to delude herself, but he likes her and it might be what it takes to try, no?

He’s not really ready yet, he knows. But taking things slow might be worth it, right?

“As of now I can’t go as far as telling you that I’ve fallen for you,” Jeongguk starts, his hand brushing her cheeks and his eyes still looking at her so, so fondly. “But what I can tell you is that I really like you and it won’t kill me to try with you.” Jeongguk says, his eyes finally finding Sohee’s who’s nodding, “I might need some time to adjust myself into a new relationship and it might take me some time to accept it, so if you feel like deluding yourself is not worth it, if you feel like loving me is hurting you because I can’t love you back, not for now, then don’t.”

“If you try with me,” Sohee starts, her eyes shining bright like the moon does on the Han River which can be seen from his house, “Are you sure you won’t regret it? I know you need time, I know your heart is still wounded up. But can I really be the one to heal it? Do you trust me enough with it?”

Jeongguk thinks that right now, there’s no one (he’s lying) who he can trust more with his heart if not Sohee. It might be rushed, he might sound incoherently but it never killed anyone to try, right?

And if he ends up with his heart broken, again, then it’s on him.

“Don’t break my heart, Sohee.” Jeongguk whispers, his forehead founding its place on her shoulder. Her hands tangling between his hair. “That’s the only thing I’m asking you.”

“The same goes for you, Jeongguk,” Sohee says, untangling his tangled hair, caressing the nape of his neck. “You’re the last chance I’m giving myself at love.”

“I’ll be careful.”

Sohee nods and lets their lips connect in a tender kiss, smiling into it and Jeongguk hopes both of them are going to keep each other’s promise. That none of them will break the other’s heart.

—

Jeongguk missed it.

He remembers vividly his fifth birthday, it has been two years since his mother had finally found him in some orphanage in Geumjeong-gu, in north central Busan. He was born in Mandeok-dong, in southern Busan and there were quite many orphanages she had to search for to find him and that’s why she took so many years before bringing him home with her.

That’s what Dahye told him, anyway.

Jeongguk was just a little kid, big doe-eyes widening and wondering as he watched his mother bringing out of the terrace a big canvas and many colors and a palette soon-to-be filled with them placed on a high stool next to her.

She had a set of brushes, some bigger and some smaller. To entertain him, she gave Jeongguk a smaller canvas, some colors to play with and a brush she didn’t seem interested if it got ruined or not.

But the moment his mother started humming along some songs she was listening to and let her feelings make her hands move along the canvas, Jeongguk was captivated. He had his eyes glued to her hands movements, how easy it seemed to paint something as beautiful as the sunset that was unfolding before their eyes. So many colors intertwining as minutes passer by.

He remembers Jungsik hugging her from behind, telling her how good she was and kissing her. 

Jeongguk remembers how something exactly like that happened some years ago to him. A span of beautiful months, where nothing if not love, happiness and joy happened between them. No clouds threatening to let rain fall and ruin their peace. They were genuinely happy.

Is one of the most precious memories Jeongguk has forever imprinted on his heart. One he isn’t going to ever forget.

Because he got to see it, to live in it, to have it happening to him.

The moment he watched Taehyung being so carefree, laughing as if there was no tomorrow, no bad thing in the world, like he hadn’t suffered a single day of his life, he promised himself to never make Taehyung sad.

Jeongguk still remember the happiness he felt, watching him being like this. And in his heart, he just wanted to, and hoped to, see Taehyung like this. Always.

Maybe it was after two years or so of the begging of their love story that Jeongguk understood he was going to love Taehyung forever. Many, many times Jeongguk pictured a future for the two of them and, why not, one or two babies coming into the picture as the days kept rolling as he kept loving Taehyung more and more.

And now, well.. he doesn’t picture it, not anymore.

It isn’t his place.

That day Jeongguk had brought Taehyung to his old summer house in Busan, near the beach. From the view they had, they could see the sunset unfolding before their eyes, right in front of them. The same scene he once was a spectator for, replayed: Taehyung brought a big canvas out in the terrace, palettes full of colors upon a high stool, brushes of various shapes and dimensions on the table next to him. 

Taehyung had always had a thing for sunsets and so did Jeongguk. It’s like it was something special that was meant to be shared between the two of them. “Wouldn’t it be beautiful if our wedding was at sunset time along the beach? Something that would be only ours.” Taehyung had asked while painting, Jeongguk hugging him from behind. His arms around Taehyung’s waist, his lips grazing against the back of his neck.

“It would feel like one of your paintings,” Jeongguk smiled at Taehyung, tightening the grip he had on his waist, “Breathtaking.” 

Taehyung chuckled and shook his head. “My paintings are far away from being breathtaking.”

Jeongguk turned Taehyung’s face towards his, looking at Taehyung so fondly he can still remember the emotions he felt. “They’re as breathtaking as you are, love.”

Taehyung looked at Jeongguk like his eyes contained all the stars in the sky.

Sometimes, Jeongguk thought of them as daylight and darkness. Of course the dark would be him, illuminated by Taehyung’s day-lightness. Taehyung who always treated Jeongguk as his own canvas, their colors mixed in a beautiful contrast. Sometimes, darkness visited them again. Sometimes because of Taehyung. Sometimes because of Jeongguk. But at the end of the day, Jeongguk willingly chose to be his canvas, to let Taehyung paint his emotions on him, the good ones and the bad ones alike. Because Jeongguk was never scared of Taehyung’s darkness.

Jeongguk smiled as Taehyung kissed him, “Who would wait at the altar?”

Jeongguk brought a strand of his hair behind his ear. “I’d like to be the one to watch you walk towards me as I wait for you,” Jeongguk said, picturing in his mind the exact same moment. Him in a black suit, waiting for Taehyung and looking at him as he walks down the altar towards Jeongguk in a white suit, “Probably I’d cry as soon as I see you.” 

“Mmh, my crybaby.” Taehyung turned his head and left a kiss on Jeongguk’s lips. “I love you,” He whispered.

And still to this day, Jeongguk can feel it in his bones. Not ever once Taehyung’s I love you’s sounded doubtful. 

“What are you painting?” 

Sohee’s voice brings Jeongguk back to reality that suddenly hits him. He isn’t too proud of thinking about his ex suggesting a possible marriage and how desperately Jeongguk liked to believe it was going to happen. It’s not fair to Sohee, who’s trying her best on loving him quietly because she knows he’s not ready yet but he’s making an effort. For her, for himself.

Sohee circles his chest from behind with her arms, leaving a kiss on the mole of his neck. Jeongguk throws his head back, leaning on her shoulder. Turning his head towards hers, Sohee smiles at him and Jeongguk just leaves a kiss on the side of her lips.

“Feelings,” Jeongguk says, shrugging. “When I was a kid my mom was always painting and she thought me a lot.” 

Sohee hums, suddenly rigid. “Taehyung did too, right?”

Jeongguk frowns, keeping his eyes on the side of her face as she seems to analyze his painting. He doesn’t understand why she said his name out of nowhere, so he follows her gaze and when he actually looks at what he’s painting, his heart drops.

He doesn’t even know what to say or do.

A beautiful sunset can clearly be seen, it’s the thing that stands out the most. What surprises him is to see a white figure coming to life, clearly masculine but delicate enough. What fucks him up is the accuracy of its face, it’s clearly Taehyung and Jeongguk doesn’t even know how the fuck he did that. 

Sohee remains silent, switching her gaze between Jeongguk and the painting. He can see her eyes brimming with tears, her hands slightly shaking. 

“Noona..” He tries, standing up and coming closer to her, only to be stopped by Sohee.

“Don’t come closer, Jeongguk. I want to know what the fuck are you doing with me if everything you can think about is him?” 

“I— Noona. I’m sorry. Fuck, I am. Trust me. I never intend on painting him, I don’t even know how it came down to it. I was just enjoying something I haven’t done in so long.”

Sohee wipes her cheeks, hiding her eyes with her sweat-paws and Jeongguk clearly hears her sobbing and it breaks his heart.

It’s not fair. He’s the one who told Sohee that he wanted to try again with her and he knows he’s hurting her. Jeongguk knows Sohee hears him at night when he cries, he knows Sohee is the one who witnesses his worst times and he’s so fucking sorry to let her see that instead of the good he probably still has in him.

“Fuck,” Sohee chuckles while she cries. “I’m not stupid, Jeongguk. I know you’ll never love me like I want you to and I’ve already accepted it. I’m hurting myself by doing so and I’m well aware of it. I know I can’t compete with Taehyung but can’t you fucking give yourself a chance to heal?” Sohee says, coming closer to Jeongguk and taking a deep breath. “Don’t you deserve to be loved and to love without your past popping in your head every time you try to move on? It’s okay if you can’t love me, Jeongguk. I don’t really expect you to. But please, love yourself. You can use me to if necessary.” 

“I don’t want to use you, Noona. I’m not a monster.” Jeongguk says, taking her face with his hands. His thumbs caressing the apple of her cheeks, wiping away some resting tears. “I know I’m complicated and I know I’m going to fuck up some more times, because as you said, I didn’t give myself any chance to heal.” Jeongguk whispers, his nose booping Sohee’s, her hands coming to hold his wrists. “I know I’m asking for too much, because everyone ends up doing so. But I need you to keep up with me, to not leave me behind. I might not even know what it means to love someone else because for all my life it has always been him. That’s why it’s hard for me. But I promise you, you’re capable of my love. I just need some time.” 

His forehead now against Sohee’s, their noses grazing against each other’s, “Don’t give up on me, Noona.”

Sohee shakes her head, caressing Jeongguk’s wrists as to reassure him. “I’m not giving up on you. I just need you to care as much as I do.”

Jeongguk hums, nodding. “I’ll be better.” 

“I love you, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk’s heart drops the moment he hears the words coming out from Sohee’s mouth, a lamp on his throat that makes it hard to swallow. He smiles at her, caressing her cheeks. Jeongguk bends down and kisses Sohee, not really knowing what else he should be doing.

He can feel Sohee crying as she kisses him back. She comes impossibly closer to him, mumbling between the kiss, “Make love to me.” 

And Jeongguk doesn’t really want to, he doesn’t want to make Sohee suffer like this, but when her eyes full of tears pleads Jeongguk to just listen to her, he nods. It’s the least he can do for her.

—

“You have to be honest about your feelings, kid.” Namjoon says as he helps Jeongguk cut some vegetables for dinner, “Maybe that’s because I’ve known you for so long, but we both know you’re not in love with Sohee. It’s a good thing you’re trying again, but you have to be honest. For the sake of both of you.”

Jeongguk knows that Taehyung told them about the overdose because after that, even Yoongi texted him to ask how he was doing and scolded him, even if as of now Yoongi still hates Jeongguk, he texted him to assure he was doing fine. And Jeongguk cried, a lot. Since then, every one of them has been walking on eggshells around him, being very careful and cautious about addressing some topics or even touching him. 

He appreciates it, if Jeongguk has to say the truth. Healing has never been easy for him, he never addressed the trauma of not having his real father next to him. Jungsik has been doing an excellent job being his Dad and Jeongguk is so, so glad he has him. And even if he’s legally his child, Jeongguk sometimes stops and thinks about what would’ve been if his father never left his pregnant mother alone.

Thankfully, his friends understood his fear of being abandoned and after everything that happened, even if it was his fault, they were the ones to reach out for Jeongguk first. Expect Taehyung, and he guess it’s better this way, the five of them reached out to Jeongguk, to meet him and to talk.

The first time he saw Hoseok and Seokjin, he fucking cried between their arms as he apologized to them, to Hoseok because he didn’t want to meet him when he left, to Seokjin because he wasn’t there the night of his VIP Party for the first main acting role he got and they just reassured him with a warm embrace.

He then met Namjoon and that hasn’t been easy. Not at all. All of them feel like family to Jeongguk, but Namjoon has always been the one he looks up the most along with Yoongi and meeting him ripped Jeongguk apart. Not because Namjoon scolded him or anything, but because seeing his eyes so void of any emotion, so pitiful as they looked right through Jeongguk, hurt him. 

They talked all night long, Namjoon suggested Jeongguk to see someone because Sometimes talking about your past trauma with someone who doesn’t even know you is more easy than talking about it with any of us. And he has been thinking about it, of course. He wants to heal. He doesn’t want to hurt the ones he loves anymore.

Yoongi didn’t make the effort to go and see him, but both of them know how important it was for them that Yoongi reached out. Jeongguk cried all night long as he kept reading the message that he sent him and the little I love you, kid at the end of the message broke Jeongguk as much as the times he has read it.

He’s been avoiding Jimin, though.

After Taehyung, Jimin is the one who feels most responsible about what happened to him. Jeongguk, too, feels guilty.

For how bad he treated him the last time they saw each other and for how miserably he handled the situation. He feels ashamed of himself, for asking one of his best friends to sleep with him because he just wanted someone to take care of him, for being an asshole to him when Jimin asked indirectly to put an end to it. For being so selfish to ask Jimin to teach him how to love again when all Jimin ever wanted was to be loved by Yoongi.

He feels ashamed and at fault. He can’t face Jimin, not right now. Even if one year already passed.

“I know,” Jeongguk sighs as he washes some cucumbers to prepare some side dishes, he doesn’t really know what’s the occasion since Namjoon never invited him over since he returned to South Korea.

He’s now one of the most successful producers under HYBE Labels and Jeongguk is glad to see his friend accomplish his goals.

”I’m trying to be more honest and I do like her, hyung. It’s not like I’m using her or anything. I’m just letting myself know someone else who isn’t him and I’m doing fine. Some days are harder than others, but I know I like her and I want to be with her. I do. Yeah.”

Namjoon chuckles. “Are you trying to convince me that your feelings are true,” Namjoon says as he walks around the kitchen to get something, “Or are you trying to believe the words coming out your own mouth?”

“Fuck you,” Jeongguk smiles as he starts to cut off the cucumbers, adding some spicy sauce but stopping the moment Namjoon says, “Don’t put too much of it. Not everyone likes spicy stuff as much as you do.”

And okay, that might be true. But aren’t they the only ones eating? Namjoon likes spicy stuffs, too. 

“But you like it?” Jeongguk doesn’t want it to sound like a question but it comes out as one, and Namjoon just shrugs. “Hyung—”

Jeongguk is interrupted by the door bell ringing and his eyebrows furrows as he looks at Namjoon, which just shrugs. “Can you please go and open the door? I’m quite busy you know,” 

And that’s not entirely the truth, Jeongguk is 100% sure Namjoon can leave whatever he’s doing and go open the door himself but he won’t argue, so he nods. He is sure he sees Namjoon smirking before he starts walking towards the door.

When he opens it, it’s like all the air in his lungs is entirely gone, Jeongguk suddenly doesn’t even know what breathing means and he is sure he is not breathing because Seojoon seems really concerned about him but Jeongguk can’t tear his gaze away from Taehyung. 

Jeongguk thinks a part of him will always be drawn to him, a part of his heart is always gonna be Taehyung’s, is always gonna scream his name. A part of him will always love Taehyung like he never did before, but he now has someone to think of, he has someone he likes and someone he hopes to fall in love with. 

He recomposes himself the moment he feels Namjoon’s hand on the small of his back and just smiles to them. He watches Taehyung as he hugs Namjoon and doesn’t realize Seojoon is in front of him, holding his hand out. 

“Jeongguk, right?” 

Jeongguk nods as he takes Seojoon’s hand, “That’s right. It’s a pleasure meeting you, Seojoon-ssi.” 

“No need to be so formal,” Seojoon says and smiles at him, “If you feel like doing it you can call me—”

“Baby,” Taehyung says as he comes closer to them, his hand on the small of Seojoon’s back, “Give our Jeongguk some time, yeah?”

What’s funny is that both Jeongguk and Seojoon’s head snaps to look at Taehyung when they hear the word baby come out of his mouth and Jeongguk lowers his head when he understands that baby is not him, not anymore. 

“You’re right, love.” Seojoon says as he gives Taehyung a kiss on the side of his head, “I’m sorry, Jeongguk. I’m just excited to finally meet all of you.” 

“Don’t worry, Seojoon-ssi. It’s good to finally meet you, too.” Jeongguk gifts him the best smile he can and suddenly, Seojoon isn’t here anymore. 

The moment Taehyung and Jeongguk’s eyes lock, nothing around them exists anymore. Jeongguk can see the light in Taehyung’s eyes and he’s so fucking glad but at the same time, it hurts not to be the reason. Taehyung is definitely doing better, he has some more weight on him and he’s not blonde anymore. He’s back to having caramel brown hair but he’s still the most beautiful boy Jeongguk has ever seen.

“How are you—”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “Happiness looks really good on you, hyung.” 

He sees how Taehyung doesn’t know what to say, it’s like he feels guilty to be here with his boyfriend when Jeongguk is here, too. And yes, maybe it hurts a little to see the kind of happiness he always wanted Taehyung to feel when they were together in his eyes thanks to someone else, but Jeongguk is so glad Taehyung is healing.

Taehyung smiles, coming closer to him and suddenly, Jeongguk is home again. Taehyung’s arms around his shoulders, his arms around Taehyung’s waist. Like it is, or was, supposed to be. “Thanks, Bun.” 

“I’m doing fine.” Jeongguk whispers in his ear, “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’ll always worry about you.” Taehyung answers and smiles at him, leaving a kiss on Jeongguk’s cheek as he breaks the hug, joining Seojoon who he greets with a kiss on the lips and Namjoon, who’s smiling like a fool. He’s probably happy to have his house full and Jeongguk is glad Namjoon didn’t tell him anything. Is good to see all of them together again. Plus Seojoon.

He’s closing the door when someone stops it, said someone’s head appearing and Jeongguk’s eyes widen. “The fact that we hate each other doesn’t mean you have the right to slam the door right in my face, you little fucker.” 

“I’m sorry, your majesty.” Jeongguk bends in half as he bows and when he straightens up, Yoongi gives him a pat on the back. He smiles softly at him, scrunching his nose. He starts walking towards the kitchen when his hand takes his wrist.

“Are you really going to ignore me forever?” 

Jeongguk’s hands are shaking and maybe Jimin can feel it, because his grip tightens on his wrist and he tries to walk away, but Jimin brings himself closer to Jeongguk, both of his arms hugging him from behind and Jeongguk’s eyes starts to brim with tears.

“I can’t bring myself to look at you right now. I’m sorry.” He says, his hands taking Jimin’s away from him as he turns to the kitchen to help Namjoon and now Yoongi.

“I would like to punch you for making Jimin suffer like this. He just wants to be your best friend again, you know?” Yoongi says as they keep making dinner for the eight of them. He’s sure Hoseok and Seokjin are going to be here in a span of a few minutes. “I would like to punch you for making him feel guilty about what happened to you and many other reasons. But I won’t, because I know what I told you that day is the reason why you attempted..”

“It’s no one’s fault if not mine.” 

Yoongi hums. “I just want to ask you one thing.” 

“Sure.”

“Hear him out. Don’t shove him away from you, please. He’s hurting.”

—

Dinner is going unexpectedly well, he engages in conversation and makes some jokes that actually makes all of them laugh. He’s sitting between Seokjin and Namjoon, sitting across him is Jimin, sitting between Taehyung and Yoongi. Seojoon sitting at the head of the table between Taehyung and Namjoon, across Seojoon, sitting Hoseok, between Seokjin and Yoongi.

He doesn’t really look at Jimin, not even when he notices the tears running down his face, not even when he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Jeongguk’s heart sinks at the sight of one of his best friends hurting, especially because it is of him. But after everything he has done, he doesn’t deserve Jimin’s forgiveness. 

“So,” Namjoon says, after all of them finished their meal. Jeongguk doesn’t feel like being social right now, so he starts clearing the table as he keeps listening to what they’re saying. “How did you two met?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jeongguk can see Seojoon taking Taehyung’s hand a leaving a kiss on it, he can see Taehyung’s shy smile and his red cheeks. He opens the faucet and starts washing all the utensils used to make dinner, the dishes and various pans used. 

“We met at Seokjin’s VIP Party a year ago,” Seojoon says and Jeongguk’s eyes widen, is it already been a year since he..? 

“I had my eyes on Taehyung for a very long time but at that time he wasn’t really available,” Seojoon keeps talking and Jeongguk stills, he does his best to not let it show and keeps washing whatever his hands grab. “Many times I tried to make my move but he was always with the same damn guy. I liked him a lot, you know? I could see how his eyes had something others hadn’t but something was missing. A spark. And I don’t really know if it was the guy’s doing or what, if he didn’t love Taehyung enough or worse, if he ever had, but every time I look at his eyes now, I can see it. I can see the spark I was looking for and I’d like to think it is my doing.”

Of course Seojoon’s kindness wasn’t real and the silence of the others confirms that even them are shocked about the statement. Jeongguk knows he is at fault for many things, but someone who doesn’t even know him can’t accuse him of not loving Taehyung enough or say that he never did, because many, many times Jeongguk loved him so deeply. Even when he had nothing. 

The only good thing Jeongguk has ever done in his life is loving Taehyung. And that he can say for sure. He doesn’t know if Seojoon is in love with Taehyung, he doesn’t know the extent of their relationship, but dating him for seven months can’t really compare to Jeongguk loving Taehyung all his life.

He doesn’t know why he expected Taehyung to defend him, but the moment he hears nothing coming out his mouth, the grip of the glass he has on his hand tightens until it literally breaks in it, some small pieces of glass cutting into his skin and that’s when Taehyung looks at him.

Does Jeongguk really have to hurt himself to have his attention? He chuckles to himself as he takes the pieces of the glass out of his skin, clearing his voice. “I’m sorry for interrupting you, Seojoon-ssi. Keep on shitting the ex boyfriend who didn’t love him at all, I’d love to hear what you have to say next!”

“If you ever loved him you would’ve done everything you could to make him happy. It isn’t that hard, you know? Look at how happy he looks right now, with me. Has he ever been this happy with you?”

Jeongguk chuckles. “What do you know about what Taehyung and I had? Were you with us?”

Seojoon smiles, “I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch you make Taehyung miserable. Don’t look at me like that, Jeongguk. You know damn well that’s the truth. You made him miserable.”

“Taehyung-ah.” Jimin suddenly says and Jeongguk doesn’t even know when he returned from the bathroom. He notices his eyes are red and Jeongguk feels guilty.

Jimin looks at Taehyung, the latter’s head low, his lower lip trembling. “Are you really letting someone who doesn’t even know Jeongguk talk shit about him?” 

Taehyung takes a deep breath as he lets Seojoon’s hand go, he stands up and comes closer to Jeongguk.

Jeongguk shakes his head as to stop him.“Don’t. I don’t need your pity.” Jeongguk says as he takes some steps backwards, “I’m sorry I made you miserable. I hope Seojoon-ssi is better than me.” 

“You never made—”

“Save it. I dont need any of it.” Jeongguk smiles at him and with seven pairs of eyes on him, he leaves the room and goes upstairs. His eyes are brimming with tears and he’s not ashamed to say it still hurts.

But what hurt him the most tonight is not Seojoon badmouthing him because to say the truth, Jeongguk kinda expected it, but the fact that Taehyung didn’t say anything at all and did something only when being addressed.

That’s what created yet again another wound on his heart.

And Jeongguk promised himself to never have Taehyung break his heart again. It seems to be a vicious cycle he can’t really escape. Like he’s stuck in the labyrinth that is their love. 

He takes his pack of cigarettes and goes to the balcony outside Namjoon’s room, sitting on the floor and staring at sky as he lights the cigarette up. 

He was so happy to see the seven of them finally together again, the way they were laughing together. It really seemed like everything was falling into place again and to be honest, Seojoon’s presence didn’t even bother him as much as he thought. 

“Do you still smoke that shit?”

Jeongguk doesn’t even acknowledges Jimin, he just shrugs. “It’s not weed.”

“Yeah, that much I can tell.” Jimin says and even if Jeongguk isn’t looking at him, he can say Jimin is gifting him one of his most genuine smiles.

“Go downstairs. The only thing I’m good at is making people miserable, aren’t I?”

Jimin takes the cigarette from him, then takes a deep breath and takes it in his mouth for a while longer before letting it out, without coughing. After another few drags, he passes it to Jeongguk.

“Both of us know that’s not true. Let him talk. Your value isn’t defined by some asshole who has an inferiority complex because he knows Taehyung will never love him as much as he loved you.”

Loved.

“Is he in love with Seojoon?” 

Jimin sighs. “He told me Seojoon has the potential to make him fall in love. But I don’t think he is, not yet, anyway.”

“That’s good.” 

Jimin hums. 

Silence falls upon them and none of them makes the effort to break it, they just let it be until one of them is ready to talk again. Which happens to be Jeongguk.

“I’m sorry. For earlier. For how I treated you the last time we saw each other. For making you feel like you had to take care of me. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable that day. I’m sorry for making you sleep with me just because I needed to feel loved by someone. I’m sorry I was the reason you and Taehyung didn’t talk for so long. I’m sorry I tried to make you stay with me, for almost forcing you to start a relationship with me. For everything.” 

By the moment Jeongguk stops talking, he feels like his lungs are burning. He takes a bit of time to recompose himself, takes a deep breath and, finally looking at Jimin, he says, “I’m so sorry, Jimin-hyung.”

“You don’t have to apologize, my love.” Jimin says as he comes closer to Jeongguk, he takes him between his arms, Jeongguk’s arms around Jimin’s waist and his head hidden on the crock of Jimin’s neck. “I’m the one who has to say sorry. Sorry for leading you on, for deluding you that I could give you the love you were searching for. I’m sorry for not noticing in time how bad you were struggling, I’m so sorry. I could’ve stopped you if I only had a clue about what was happening. I did think something bad was happening but you wouldn’t talk to me and I feel so guilty. I hate that I was here with you and didn’t notice you were losing your will to live. I hate to think that right now you wouldn’t be there if what happened was more serious than what it already is. I hate you for not talking to me about what was on your mind. I’m sorry for what I said to you that day. You were never a burden to me, okay? Never, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk doesn’t even care if he’s crying because he’s sure Jimin is crying, too. Jeongguk doesn’t answer yet, he absorbs everything Jimin has said to him as the older pats his head, leaving a kiss between his hair. 

“I don’t want you to feel guilty for what happened to me.” Jeongguk says as he looks up at Jimin, their eyes locking for the first time since they last saw each other.

“How can I not, Jeongguk?” Jimin asks, his hand coming up to Jeongguk’s face, caressing his cheek. 

“You were the reason why I kept going on as long ad you were with me. You prevented myself from attempting many times and you don’t even acknowledge it. You were the reason I still had my will to live. What happened after has nothing to do with you, Jimin-hyung.”

“Fuck,” Jimin says as he literally launches himself into Jeongguk’s lap, hugging him as tightly as possible, his arms naturally hugging him back and bringing him closer. Jeongguk can feel Jimin trembling and he tries his best to soothe him as he caresses his back.

“Thank you for keeping me alive, Jimin-hyung.”

After spending some more time between each other’s arms, Jimin sits next to him. He takes his hands and never leaves them as they keep talking about everything and anything at all. He silently thanks Jimin for remaining with him and not leaving him alone.

—

Talking with Jeongguk about everything that happened to him mended all the wounds Taehyung’s heart faced since he was fourteen. While Taehyung was talking about all of it Jeongguk’s eyes were still so full of love for him. Taehyung now understands, thanks to his warm eyes, that Jeongguk would never be able to judge him for his past. Taehyung feels ashamed, guilty. He knows everything that happened after he broke up with Jeongguk could have been avoided if he only had the courage to talk to him sooner. 

Taehyung doesn’t think the memories will ever fade away, but after talking with Jeongguk, after finally telling him the truth, Taehyung thinks he can say he is finally clean. Of all the shit that happened, of all the times he beat himself up for things that were never his fault. Taehyung is clean and is starting to feel the carefreeness he stopped having at fourteen.

The fact that he feels like he’s finally clean doesn’t absolutely mean he’s never going to get hurt again, he knows that he can get hurt anytime. He just acknowledges that nothing that happened for thirteen years has to happen ever again. Firstly, because he’s not so scared anymore, his screams aren’t going to be silenced ever again. Secondly, he won the case. They acknowledged that what Taehyung has been through wasn’t something a fourteen year old should have, they acknowledged that what Jaehyun did to him was domestic violence and emotional abuse, that what his stepdad has done to him was human trafficking and the moment the Judge said those words, Taehyung felt like throwing up.

He hates to think that this kind of things happens on a daily basis. That’s why he, with his agency, decided to get vocal about it. He has been going to schools talking about his experience, listening to girls and boys talking about the abuse they received. Let it be from their parents, their relatives or their partners. Taehyung let them cry, he cried with them as he was talking about his story. He talks about Jeongguk, too. And how it is important to have someone giving you the love you deserve. And how you should be giving it back, because nothing is granted in this world, because in a matter of seconds that person will not be in your life anymore and how every one of us deserves to be loved and to love. 

Somehow, though, Taehyung stops talking about Jeongguk. Not because he intends to, not really. He thinks about him every single day. He’s always in his mind, but somehow, he doesn’t miss him anymore like he always did. He thinks he still loves him, of course he still does. But without noticing it, Seojoon found his way into Taehyung’s heart.

After the night they met, they kept in contact. At first Taehyung wasn’t really ready to start dating him, the thought of how final things felt the last time he saw Jeongguk still lingered in his mind and heart for a solid two months. But at some point, it just felt natural to start meeting Seojoon more and more, and after five months passed since they met, they decided to start dating. Obviously, Taehyung didn’t forget Jeongguk in the span of these months, he could never. He just thought that moving on and still thinking about Jeongguk wasn’t doing him any good, so he just got busy with work and Seojoon happened to find his space in between.

They’ve been together for seven months now. He’s not in love with Seojoon, the spark in his heart hasn’t hit him yet. But he likes Seojoon, a lot. He may not feel his heart screaming for him, but sure enough, many butterflies visits him all the times Seojoon keeps him company, or the times their lips met. Like this very moment, he’s laying down on Seojoon’s couch, the older on top of him and his hands under Taehyung’s sweater. 

Taehyung doesn’t hate the feeling he gets from Seojoon’s hands caressing him, he’s just not accustomed with the roughness. He remembers only gentleness and softness when being caressed by his lover. And truly, he doesn’t want to compare the two of them and again, he likes the way Seojoon touches him. 

Seojoon is just.. not Jeongguk. And no one will ever be, for the record. 

“I know we’ve been going slowly and I respect all your decisions,” Seojoon says as he starts leaving wet kisses on his neck, following a trail of his own and even if Taehyung doesn’t want to compare them or think about Jeongguk when he’s in someone else’s arms, he can’t help but hate the way Seojoon’s lips doesn’t feel the same way Jeongguk’s does. “But.. It’s a bit tough down here being this close to you and not doing anything,” 

Seojoon chuckles and Taehyung gives him a small smile, doesn’t know how to address the situation or even telling him how he doesn’t really feel physically attracted to him. It’s true that as of now he’s not really scared of sex anymore, but.. 

But everything always leads him to Jeongguk, and he wants to not think of him, he really wants to, but some times are more tough than others and thinking about him in the mid of trying to have sex with someone else is not what he really wants right now.

“I’m sorry for keeping you waiting,” Taehyung says and lowers his gaze. Seojoon doesn’t really know what he has been through and Taehyung is not gonna tell him. He doesn’t find it something Seojoon should know.

“You know I’m willingly going to wait for you as long as you need me to but..” Seojoon stops as he keeps kissing Taehyung’s neck, going up to leave wet kisses on his jaws and Taehyung tries to fake he does like that, gulping as he doesn’t feel anything at all.

Taehyung closes his eyes and suddenly, Seojoon is not the one who’s on top of him, along with his lips Taehyung feels the metal of his double lip piercing crashing against his skin, his tattooed hand caressing his thigh, Taehyung bending it in half as Jeongguk keeps caressing it, leaving it just to help Taehyung with his sweater, attaching his lips to Taehyung’s chest as his hand returns to his tight. 

Taehyung instantly bites his lower lip, feeling his lower stomach burning in excitement as Jeongguk starts sucking his skin, goosebumps erupting into it as Jeongguk circles his tongue around his nipple next, his tattooed hand still caressing Taehyung’s thigh and he suppresses a moan when Jeongguk’s hand grips the flesh in the inner thigh of the very same leg he’s been abusing, his mouth still working on his nipple and Taehyung knows he’s rock hard as Jeongguk’s free hand enters in his pants and touches his cock, his index finger playing with the head.

“Fuck,” Taehyung whispers, biting his lip harder and he doesn’t care if he feels blood on it, he missed feeling like this and Jeongguk has always been good on making him feel good. Always worrying about Taehyung. “I missed this. I missed you. Fuck.”

“I’ve always been here, baby,” Jeongguk says as he lowers himself down the couch, Taehyung’s sweatpants on the floor soon after. Jeongguk looks up at Taehyung and smirks the moment he takes him in his mouth and sees Taehyung’s eyes rolling back in pleasure. 

“You’ve always been so good at taking hyung’s cock in your mouth, fuck,” 

And suddenly, reality hits him. When he doesn’t feel a pair of lips on his cock anymore, is because Seojoon is looking at Taehyung with something in eyes that he can’t describe. It doesn’t feel good, to say the truth.

“I can’t fucking believe it,” Seojoon says, standing himself up from Taehyung, taking his shirt and putting it on. Taehyung feels way too naked and slowly takes his clothes and puts them back on as he watches Seojoon pacing back and forth in the room. “You were thinking about him, weren’t you? Of course,” He answers himself, “Why would you call yourself hyung with me when I’m older than you?”

“Seojoon-ah,” Taehyung calls him, standing up and coming closer to him. He takes his hands and looks at him and it almost makes him laugh that he had to think about Jeongguk to get hard because otherwise he couldn’t. With Seojoon, he just can’t. And he likes him, of course he does. “Hyung, I’m sorry. I am. It wasn’t intentional and I don’t even know why, I’m sorry.”

Seojoon sighs as he looks at him. “Am I not good enough for you?”

“Of course you are, hyung. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, yeah?” Taehyung says as he smiles at him, his puppy eyes looking at Seojoon.

He nods and leaves a kiss on Taehyung’s forehead. “What do you want for dinner?”

—

“I thought I asked you to change your phone wallpaper.” Seojoon says, annoyance clear in his voice as he glances at Taehyung’s phone, its screen lighting up as Jimin keeps sending him new messages.

Taehyung arches his eyebrows up, not even glancing at him as he’s currently painting a few pieces he wants to present to a gallery and have his own exhibition. Other times were always shared, but now that he can, he wants his own. Of course he has a lot of paintings he can still use, but having some fresher ones is not gonna hurt.

“I thought I said I don’t want to and I very much stand by that,” Taehyung remarks, still focusing on the painting as he tries recalling one of the earliest moments he and Jimin shared together.

Taehyung is going to tell his story throughout this exhibition, all the beautiful memories he has with his friends and the most special ones he shared with Jeongguk. Maybe it’s a sort of closure or a way to understand that he is very much still in love with Jeongguk. Maybe being in a relationship without moving from him hasn’t been the best decision he ever made.

“It bothers me.”

“I don’t care, Seojoon-ah. They’re my friends.”

“I’m not saying you can’t be friends with them or him, for the record. But it still bothers me.”

Taehyung sighs and turns his head towards him, “For fuck’s sake Seojoon-ah, it’s just a phone wallpaper. Why do I have to change it? Does me being happy with my friends bother you that much?”

“No. What bothers me is that in that picture Jeongguk was still your boyfriend. It bothers me to see how he looks at you every fucking time I glance at your phone. He’s not your boyfriend anymore, can’t you just change it to another picture of all of you when perhaps he’s not that physical with you?”

Taehyung chuckles. “Hyung,” He calls Seojoon, “Does my past relationship with Jeongguk scare you?”

Seojoon laughs. Like, genuinely. “Why would a ruined relationship scare me? I can do better than him and you know it.”

A ruined relationship.

It’s so easy to talk when you’re not the one involved into said relationship, and it’s true that Taehyung might be the one who have said that or say that he was the one who ruined Jeongguk. What’s different is that Taehyung was part of the relationship, Jeongguk was part of it, so they should be the only ones allowed to have a say about it. Not their friends, certainly not Seojoon.

Taehyung looks at him dead in the eyes, extremely serious. “I get that you don’t like him, I can’t do anything to change your mind. But please don’t talk about him like he’s not enough or like he didn’t deserve to be with me. That’s all I’m gonna ask.”

Seojoon sighs and comes closer, giving a peck on Taehyung’s lips. “I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know why I get like this when Jeongguk’s involved. I’m scared, you’re right. I know how much you loved him and I’m afraid you’ll never love me the same way.”

Taehyung eyes widen, he looks at him and nods, humming. “Of course I’ll not love you the same way I loved Jeongguk. You’re not him and he’s not you. Don’t compare yourself to him, it doesn’t do you any good.”

Taehyung talks about it with Hyojung, tells her how many times Seojoon tries to bring Jeongguk down or makes him feel like he wasn’t good enough for Taehyung, tells her how many times Seojoon degraded Taehyung and told him he’s not good for anyone if not for him. 

“Taehyung,” Hyojung says, after Taehyung stops talking. She seems to have a lot to say and he’ll gladly accept everything she has to say. “You have to be honest with me. How does it feel like to be with him? What you feel goes more towards what you felt with Jeongguk or towards what you felt with Jaehyun? Although I know they’re all different, I need you to think about it and understand what I’m trying to tell you.”

Do you feel safe or feel in danger when you’re with Seojoon?

Taehyung keeps silent for a very long time. Hyojung doesn’t urge him to talk, she waits and gives him comforting smiles from time to time. Of course he can’t compare the three of them, they’re totally different people and as of now, he ever loved only one of them.

He starts to play with his fingers, ripping off his hangnails, causing some of them to bleed out. He looks outside the window of Hyojung’s office, the night lights illuminating Seoul, letting it shine in all his beauty. He misses Seoul so, so much. Maybe he misses the people who made living here more bearable. 

He keeps thinking about what Hyojung implies with the question she just asked and Taehyung has to say, as of now, that he doesn’t feel with Seojoon as safe as he felt when he was in a relationship with Jeongguk.

Taehyung can see a bit of toxicity in their relationship, in the way Seojoon talks about his past one or in the way he always tries to bring Jeongguk down. He knows that Seojoon has nothing against Taehyung and will never land a hand on him, he knows that his feelings for him are genuine, but he’s noticing the way he tries to detach Taehyung from his friends, or, well, from Jeongguk. 

He acts like he can’t wait to meet all of them but Taehyung knows it is just an act, Seojoon is an actor himself and he knows he can lie without being caught, especially to Taehyung since they don’t really know each other that well. But he is afraid Seojoon is going to say something out of character and he doesn’t want to. He wouldn’t know how to react, especially because is the first time they're going to reunite on good terms since he broke up with Jeongguk.

“I guess it goes more towards to what I felt with Jaehyun. He’s nice to me, he really is and I can see and feel he likes me, genuinely. What I can’t stand is that, sometimes, he wants control over things he doesn’t have a say to. And he brings down my relationship with Jeongguk all the time. Him, too.”

Hyojung hums. “From what you’ve been telling me, I see what you mean and I, too, think he’s behaving like Jaehyun did back then. I can clearly see from what you’re saying that he’s got something like an inferiority complex going on towards Jeongguk and what you two had. It’s like he understands the intensity of your love and tries to bring it down to show you that what you two could have is more stronger than what you had with Jeongguk.” Hyojung says and Taehyung agrees with her, he thought the exact same thing. 

“I know your relationship with Seojoon-ssi is not as toxic as what yours and Jaehyun was like. But we’ve been through it and you know when to stop if you feel like trapped in it. Seek for help if you start noticing things he shouldn’t be doing or if he ever touches you inappropriately. May it be me, Jimin-ssi or any of your people. Just reach out to someone.”

Taehyung nods and thanks Hyojung for keeping up with him for all this time.

“You’re making a lot of progresses and I can see it. You’re healing, Taehyung-ssi. And I’m so proud of you.”

Taehyung smiles and hugs her goodbye. He’s proud of himself, too. He just wishes he could share his achievements with Jeongguk. 

—

Seeing Jeongguk after a year of being apart really impacts Taehyung. He finds himself unable to control his emotions or the urge to steal glances at him, making sure he is doing fine. It’s like his own body is screaming at him to being closer to Jeongguk and many times he finds himself almost doing everything he wants. 

Jeongguk is sitting in front of him and Jimin and he can’t tear his gaze away when it stops on him. Taehyung doesn’t really know if Jeongguk is telling him the truth when he says he’s doing fine, but he wants to believe it. 

Jeongguk has always been the prettiest boy he ever had the chance to be with, but tonight in particular, he’s breathtakingly beautiful. May it be his freshly new haircut, bangs all over his eyes making him look younger than he already is, may it be the way he looks way more confident that he never was. Maybe there are many new aspects of his life that Taehyung doesn’t know because he’s not part of Jeongguk’s life anymore, but he never looked as good as he looks right now, even if Jeongguk was, is and will always be the most beautiful man alive for Taehyung.

He realizes he has been staring at Jeongguk for longer than he thought when Jimin nudges him with the elbow, asking if he can pass him some more wine and Taehyung nods, already feeling Seojoon’s eyes on him. 

The older’s possessiveness is clear as ever when he takes Taehyung’s hand with force and puts their hands intertwined on the table for everyone to see. And Taehyung knows he did it to make Jeongguk see it. 

When Jeongguk gets up to clear the table and wash the dishes, he’s about to get up, too, but Seojoon takes his wrist, glaring at him. Seojoon shakes his head and Taehyung sits down and in that moment, he feels scared of him because he sees Jaehyun and the way he used to treat him.

Jimin glares at him with worried eyes but Taehyung just smiles at him, shrugging.

“So,” Namjoon speaks first after Jeongguk gets up, “How did you two met?”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Taehyung can see Jeongguk’s posture is rigid and that he is looking at them, that’s why Seojoon leaves a kiss on his hand before starting to talk. It’s clear that what he is going to tell is going to hurt Jeongguk because he looks at him and fucking smirks. 

Taehyung doesn’t really register what Seojoon is telling his friends because is attention in on Jeongguk, but the moment he hears the glass breaking Taehyung’s eyes widen as his head turns to look at Jeongguk, small pieces of glass cutting the flesh of his hand.

Jeongguk clears his voice and tries not to mind the attention he has, that much is clear, then, he says, “I’m sorry for interrupting you, Seojoon-ssi. Keep on shitting the ex boyfriend who didn’t love him at all, I’d love to hear what you have to say next!” 

“If you ever loved him you would’ve done everything you could to make him happy. It isn’t that hard, you know? Look at how happy he looks right now, with me. Has he ever been this happy with you?”

And Taehyung wants to scoff so bad, because that’s not entirely the truth. He can’t say it has been bad, because it hasn’t. But to say that he’s happy with Seojoon is an overstatement. Taehyung knows what happiness looks like thanks to Jeongguk and what he feels with Seojoon is definitely far from that. 

Jeongguk chuckles. “What do you know about what Taehyung and I had? Were you with us?”

Seojoon smiles and the grip he has on Taehyung’s hand is hurting, “I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch you make my Taehyung miserable. Don’t look at me like that, Jeongguk. You know damn well that’s the truth. You made him miserable.”

Taehyung tries to say that it’s not the truth, to not listen to what Seojoon is saying and he tries to look at Jeongguk to make him look at his eyes and find the truth in them, he really tries to. But Seojoon is glaring at him and he has never seen him like this before, he has always shown his jealousy towards Jeongguk but right now Taehyung is scared to even breathe.

“Taehyung-ah.” Jimin suddenly says and looks at Taehyung, his head low and his lower lip trembling. He tries to recompose himself but he knows that everyone can see him. “Are you really letting someone who doesn’t even know Jeongguk shit on him?” 

Taehyung takes a deep breath and lets Seojoon’s hand go, yanking his hand away when Seojoon tries to grab it and comes closer to the younger.

He takes some steps closer but Jeongguk shakes his head and Taehyung halts. 

“Don’t. I don’t need your pity.” Jeongguk says and Taehyung watches him taking some steps backwards, like he’s afraid of being closer to Taehyung. “I’m sorry I made you miserable. I hope Seojoon-ssi is better than me.” 

“You never made—”

“Save it. I dont need any of it.”

And just like that Jeongguk storms off the room, Jimin coming closer to him. “Get your fucking shit together, Taehyung-ah. I’m not going to watch you being controlled anymore. Get the fuck out this relationship before it gets fucking worse, for the love of God. Have some respect for you, don’t mistake possessiveness for love just because you need it.”

Taehyung watches Jimin as he follows after Jeongguk and crumbles down, feeling a pair of arms around his chest. He’s being lifted up from Hoseok, who actually wraps him in a tight hug, caressing his back. 

“What’s happening between you and Seojoon? I thought he was good for you.”

“I-I don’t know, hyung. Sometimes I feel like I’m still with Jaehyun, I hate feeling this way because he actually made me think the interest in me is genuine. But he does and says things that Jaehyun used to do to and say to me and it scares me.”

Hoseok curses under his breath as he keeps hugging Taehyung tightly, he doesn’t hear the others talking so he doesn’t know what’s happening. 

“Keep me updated, please. I’m always a call away if it comes down to something bad, okay? But please, please be careful Taehyungie. You suffered enough and I want you to be safe and happy.”

Taehyung nods and keeps hugging Hoseok, trying to seek comfort from it. “I should probably talk to Jeongguk and tell him what’s going on. I don’t want to keep him from knowing what’s behind. I stopped lying to him.

Hoseok smiles. “You’ve really grown up now, huh?” 

“Hyojung told me I’m healing. And that she is proud of me.”

Hoseok looks at Taehyung so tenderly that his heart feels warm, “You are. And I’m proud of you, too. We all are.”

—

Taehyung is searching Jeongguk everywhere before stepping in Namjoon’s room, seeing the door of the balcony ajar. He comes closer but stops when he hears Jimin and Jeongguk talking, he knows that’s wrong of him to be listening to their conversation but he’s paralyzed.

“Have you tried to move on after Taehyung told you the truth?” He hears Jimin say, he can see them hugging each other but that doesn’t hurt him as it hurt almost two years ago.

“Mh. I’m actually seeing someone. Do you remember Sohee?”

Taehyung doesn’t know any Sohee.

But then again, how can he know her or be informed about Jeongguk’s life when he’s not as much as part of it as he used to be anymore? 

“Yeah.”

“I’m seeing her. She’s been with me at the hospital a year ago, when I overdosed. I don’t even know how to explain what we have but it was just some kissing, you know? I wasn’t ready to start a relationship and it was good for the both of us. Then she suddenly confessed to me, she said she fell in love with me and she offered herself to help me move on from Taehyung. At first I didn’t want to, because you know.. It’s like using her and I didn’t really like the idea. I like her, I do. But I don’t think liking her is good enough for us to be in a relationship.”

Jimin hums, listening attentively to what Jeongguk is saying and it sounds incoherently coming from him, but knowing Jeongguk is seeing someone he likes actually makes his heart break. He thought he could be happy about Jeongguk moving on from him but hearing him say that? It hurts. And it’s incoherent because he started dating Seojoon five months after telling Jeongguk the truth.

“Is it helping you? I mean.. Being with her to move on from Taehyung.”

Jeongguk sighs. “I’m a lost cause, hyung.”

Jimin giggles. “Why would you say that? You know you’re capable of loving and being loved. I did too, when we were kids. You’re so easy to love, Jeongguk, you don’t even realize it.”

Taehyung smiles. It’s true. Jeongguk is so, so easy to love. Sometimes he wishes it was harder to fall in love with him, maybe if he had a hard time loving Jeongguk it would’ve been much more easier to move on from him and fall in love with someone else.

“You don’t understand how many times I hurt her just because I keep thinking about Taehyung or just because sometimes I mention his name. The other day I thought about painting, I missed it so I gave it a try. You wouldn’t believe why we had a fight about it.” 

“You had a fight with Sohee? Because of painting?” 

Jeongguk takes a deep breath and sighs. He chuckles. “No, hyung. Because of what I painted. Let’s just say I was lost in my thoughts and I thought about that one time Taehyung was painting and I was behind him, being all lovey-dovey, kissing him every chance I got.”

Taehyung smiles. Jimin hums. “Okay, so. You know we loved to daydream a lot about our future. Like, we used to say one day we would get married and while he was painting, I had this vision. Me waiting for him at the altar in a black suit, Taehyung walking towards me in a fucking white suite.”

Jimin giggles as Jeongguk keeps gesturing while he explains all that. “You’re such a hopeless romantic, Jeongguk.”

“Yeah, fuck me for that. So. At some point Sohee comes and hugs me from behind. She asks me what I was painting and I tell her, like, seriously, something like ‘Feelings,’” He says, his hands up to mimic the quotation marks with his fingers, “I told her that my mom thought me how to paint when I was a child. Then she asks me ‘Taehyung did too, right?’ and I was so confused, hyung. I didn’t understand why she would ask me about him since she wants me to move on, right?”

Jimin nods and looks at Jeongguk. “I don’t know if I really want to know what happens next.”

“No, you don’t. But you will, because I’m telling you anyway.” 

Jimin giggles, bringing one hand over his face to cover his mouth. “Oh my god. Okay. Shoot.”

“Hyung. I was painting a fucking sunset. You know I love them but that’s not the problem. In the middle of the fucking painting was a white silhouette. A fucking white silhouette with Taehyung’s fucking face. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize I was painting him.”

At that Taehyung’s heart clenches. He hates to think that while he tried to move on, while he let another man touch him, while he let another man hold him, kiss him or make butterflies fly in the pit of his stomach, Jeongguk was still stuck on him, still hurting.

“You’re fucking joking.”

“Fuck, I wish. I never intended on hurting her, I didn’t want anything with her in the first place. But seeing her hurting like this because of me made me feel guilty. Then she asked me to make her mine and I did, hyung. Just because I couldn’t say no to her. Not after promising her I would try to love her and forget about Taehyung.”

Taehyung sighs and throws his head back, hitting the wall of Namjoon’s room. He distantly hears Jimin replying to him but he doesn’t listen anymore, he shouldn’t have in the first place. He tries to recompose himself before feeling a hand gripping his wrist.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Hyung. Calm down, I was just calling Jimin and Jeongguk to tell then to go downstairs. It’s almost Hoseok’s birthday.”

Upon hearing the two of them, Jeongguk and Jimin stands up and it’s so awkward to be around them right now because Seojoon wants to be his usual self, but the fact that there are Jimin and Jeongguk makes it complicated for him.

But then, Seojoon’s arm is around Taehyung’s waist and he can feel Jeongguk’s eyes on him. Taehyung wants to tell him what is going on, that he’s not in love with Seojoon and he’s with him for the exact same reason he’s with Sohee. 

“He’s not your property.” Jeongguk says, Taehyung and Jimin’s eyes widening as they hear Jeongguk’s voice. Seojoon tightening the grip on his waist. “Treat him like a fucking human being and not like an object. I might have made him miserable, I might have not loved him like he deserved,” He keeps saying, coming closer to Seojoon until they are face-to-face. “But at least I never treated him like he is an object or some flesh to fuck. I might have many flaws, I’m not perfect and you might be right, but I just know you’re not perfect, too.” Jeongguk says, his eyebrows raising as he looks at Seojoon’s face, his jaw set. “Do you want to know what’s the difference between me and you, though?” Jeongguk asks, his eyes never leaving Seojoon’s. “I recognized his worth and I loved him deeply for that. Can’t say the same about you, though. That’s why I’m better than you. Because you’ll never know him the way I do.”

Seojoon tries to say something, Taehyung can see it. But suddenly Jeongguk is between him and Seojoon, he grips the older’s arms and yanks it away from Taehyung. “Treat him gently. Because, I’m going to repeat it to you — even if I don’t like to repeat myself to assholes like you. — He’s. Not. Your. Property.” Jeongguk says words for words in Seojoon’s ear and just like that, he looks at Taehyung and mouths him an “Are you okay?” 

Taehyung looks at him and feels his heart trembling, just like the very first time. Jeongguk’s eyes are worried and Taehyung sees him trying to reach out to him but Jeongguk doesn’t, so he just looks right in his eyes and nods, giving him a small smile.

“C’mon. Let’s go downstairs, Seojoon-ssi.” Jimin says as he starts shoving Seojoon out of the room not stopping even when Seojoon takes him by the arms, tightly. “First, do not touch me. Second, I don’t know if you’re aware of that but Taehyung has a pair of legs and can walk himself downstairs. He doesn’t need your help. Now, keep walking, asshole.”

Once Taehyung is sure Seojoon is downstairs, he turns towards Jeongguk and circles his middle with his arms, his head finding his spot on his chest. Jeongguk is a bit hesitant, but after some minutes, a pair of strong arms are hugging him back, bringing him even closer. 

“Thank you for always reminding me why I fell in love with you all these years ago.” 

Jeongguk doesn’t say anything but he can hear his heart beating faster in his ear and that makes him smile. He shifts his head a bit just to leave a kiss exactly where Jeongguk’s heart lies. 

Taehyung shifts his chin, pinning it against Jeongguk’s chest as he locks their gazes. He sees Jeongguk’s eyes glisten, a gentle smile painting his face. Taehyung wishes he could still be the one painting Jeongguk, not to paint his pain on him. But to start to paint the beauty of their souls intertwined, his happiness and the love he still has for him. “You don’t even know how much your love kept me alive all this time.”

Jeongguk’s tattooed hand comes closer to Taehyung’s cheek and strokes it, he can see that he’s contemplating on what to do so Taehyung leans more into his hand, nuzzling into it. Their eyes talking to each other because they’re always been more braver than both of them when it comes to confess their love.

That’s why Jeongguk’s eyes are always gonna be Taehyung’s favorite feature.

Taehyung wants to kiss him so bad. 

“I’m glad I had the chance to give it to you.”

Even if it’s not necessary, Taehyung stands on his tiptoes and his arms circles Jeongguk’s shoulder, holding him close. He hums when Jeongguk’s arms find their way to his waist. 

“Don’t do anything you’re going to regret, hyung. We’re both in a relationship.” Jeongguk whispers and Taehyung closes his eyes at the feeling of his warm breath over his lips.

“Would you regret it,” Taehyung says, whispering, “if I kissed you right now?”

Jeongguk, too, closes his eyes. “No. I would never regret anything that has something to do with you.” 

Taehyung stops breathing. He opens his eyes, already finding Jeongguk’s eyes looking at him. They keep staring at each other, without saying anything. Both of them trying to assimilate the moment, to breathe in it and live in it as long as they can. Taehyung’s hands comes to play with Jeongguk’s nape, their eyes never leaving the other’s. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Jeongguk just blinks. Doesn’t say anything else, his eyes still on Taehyung. His warm hands now in contact with Taehyung’s skin, erupting in goosebumps as soon as his pads traces the outline of his waist. 

They keep silent for a long time, just breathing into each other’s arms, feeling at home as long as both of them find it necessary. Taehyung feels safe right now, being in Jeongguk arms, having arms he is accustomed to around him. 

Jeongguk doesn’t reply to his question, he just leaves a kiss on Taehyung’s temple before pulling away and smiling tenderly at him. “Let’s go congratulate our Hobi hyung, shall we?” 

Taehyung is afraid he is never going to stop loving Jeongguk.

—

taehyungie:
[to find you — sing street]
do you remember this song?

Jeongguk smiles as soon as he sees the title of the song. Of course he remembers. His heart does, too, as Jeongguk feels it beating way too fast.

jeongguk:
of course i remember :)
i used to sing it to you to fall asleep every time you needed your heart healed 

Jeongguk thinks he shouldn’t have sent it. Maybe because Taehyung’s heart is not his to heal anymore, maybe because he shouldn’t think about last time they saw each other and the butterflies he felt flying in his lower belly. 

Jeongguk wanted to give in. He wanted to give Taehyung consent about that damn kiss he can’t stop thinking about, he wanted to tell him that he should’ve done it without asking, because of course Jeongguk would have like to be kissed by him. But he’s glad Taehyung asked and he’s glad he declined it without saying a word. 

taehyungie:
your voice is still to this day the only lullaby able to make me fall asleep 

Jeongguk chuckles as he types his reply.

jeongguk:
guess seojoon-ssi sucks at it, too

taehyungie:
fuck you

jeongguk:
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

taehyungie
hes not even good at getting me off im not even joking

Jeongguk laughs so hard that Sohee’s head snaps right in his direction, making him shut up immediately. He clears his voice and smiles at her, expecting some kind of scolding — she grow way too comfortable about controlling Jeongguk’s life and he despises it. It’s about time he snaps and leaves her, definitely. She changed a lot from before and he doesn’t know what it’s happening to her but Jeongguk doesn’t like the new version of Sohee. At all.

“Baby?” Sohee calls him as he tries some dresses on, since tonight she’s going out with some friends of hers.

“Mhh?” He says absentmindedly, typing out on his screen.

jeongguk:
fuck hyung ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
do you really fake it in bed?

“What do you think?” Sohee asks as she twirls in front of him. A black tiny dress adorns her body, knee-high boots of the same color. Her hair in a high ponytail, leaving out some strands of her red hair.

She’s pretty, she really is. But Jeongguk doesn’t feel anything at all as he looks at her, expecting his heart to beat or to just.. feel something.

“You’re so pretty,” Jeongguk says, smiling fondly at her. She smiles and looks at herself in the mirror and Jeongguk’s attention turns to his phone, reading Taehyung’s texts.

taehyungie:
i HAVE to fake it, jeongguk
hes so fucking full of himself he even asks me if i want a second round once i tell him he did good
one time i called myself hyung while he was sucking me off because i was thinking about you 

“I feel like I gained some weight..” Sohee says and Jeongguk hears what she’s saying, but he’s not really there as he keeps rereading the last message Taehyung sent him. 

Does that mean.. Taehyung thinks of them while fucking with his current boyfriend? The last time they fucked Jeongguk was so emotionally drained that it hurt to even think about what was happening. But even if he fucked other people after that night, no one was good enough to erase Taehyung’s hands or lips from his body. 

That night it was like Jeongguk was still Taehyung’s canvas, his to paint, his to love and to take care of. His hands and his lips were his brushes, painting an abstract of their love — still lingering in each other’s heart and eyes. 

“Is there someone more important than me you’re texting? I’m talking to you and you’re not even listening.”

Jeongguk snaps out of his thoughts and looks at Sohee, refraining the need to roll his eyes. He leaves his phone on the bad and stands up, walking towards her and hugging her from behind. One arm around her shoulder, the other arm around her waist.

“I’m sorry if I made you think I wasn’t listening,” Jeongguk says as he looks at her through the mirror, leaving a kiss on her temple. “I heard what you said and no, noona, you didn’t gain any weight and even if you did,” Jeongguk says, smiling fondly at Sohee. “You’re still pretty.”

Sohee sighs and Jeongguk furrows his brows, looking at her through the mirror. “What’s wrong? Why do you have to sigh every time I open my fucking mouth?”

Sohee chuckles as she turns to look at him, his arms falling along his sides. “I know you’re not that stupid but, fuck,” Sohee says, still chuckling and Jeongguk doesn’t even know if there’s something to laugh about. “You sure act like one.”

“Instead of laughing at me or calling me stupid, can’t you tell me what you think, want or whatever? You always expect me to notice everything, accusing me of not doing so when I act confused — because I am, Sohee. I don’t understand what you want me to do. I’m trying my best and you don’t even acknowledge it, you just like to tear me down every fucking chance you have.”

Sohee’s gaze is hard and it’s not like Jeongguk is afraid of her, but sometimes, when they fight, she tries to use violence but stops because Jeongguk doesn’t let her touch him. And he knows it’s fucked up, it’s not healthy and that’s exactly why Jeongguk wants to break up with her.

“I’m sick and tired of pretending everything’s good between us, Sohee. It clearly isn’t and I don’t want you to suffer more because of me,” Jeongguk says and takes her hands, trying to soothe her anger by caressing her hands in the most delicate way possible. “I know I’ve never been a good boyfriend to you and that’s because I’m not—”

“You’re not breaking up with me.” Sohee snaps, yanking her hands away from Jeongguk. She goes to the bathroom and after two minutes, she stands exactly across him. 

“You can’t force me to stay with you, Sohee. It’s not healthy and you know it.”

“I can’t force you to stay with me, sure. You’re right. But you’re not going to break up with me and let me be alone to raise our kid.”

Sohee hands him a pregnancy test and while he knows what this is, he still asks — “What is this?”

“You know what it is, Jeongguk. I’m pregnant and you’re not going to leave me. I’m not letting you give the baby the life your father gave to you.”

This time Jeongguk’s gaze is hard as he looks at her, his hand trembling as he tries not to think of what’s on it. His heart stings at Sohee’s words because he might not love her, but he would never have the same behavior as his father had to him to his own kid.

“Fuck you,” Jeongguk says, looking at her. “Fuck you for even thinking about it when you know how much it hurts me, fuck you for comparing me to him when I would never abandon my kid like he did with me. Fuck you, Sohee.”

Sohee chuckles. “You were two seconds away from breaking up with me because you still have feelings for Taehyung. He’s moving on, Jeongguk. He doesn’t want you.”

It hurts. It hurts because Sohee’s words are so full of venom Jeongguk has a hard time recognizing the Sohee he met. It hurt because she’s right, Taehyung’s moving on. And he should, too. He tried many times. Truth is, he can’t and doesn’t want to. 

He’s going to do everything he can to win Taehyung’s heart back.

“You look like a lost puppy at the mere mention of his name, Jeongguk. You’re ridiculous. Grow some balls because, I repeat, I’m not letting you leave me alone with your child.” 

And just like that, Sohee leaves the room and Jeongguk grumbles down. He feels guilty because he wants to be happy, fuck, he’s soon-to-be a dad. But everything he can think about is that he can’t give his child the same life he got. He doesn’t want to abandon it, he doesn’t want to act like he never became a dad in the first place.

Instead, the only thing he can think about is Taehyung and how he’s going to react once he knows Jeongguk is going to be a dad. If his heart, too, hurts at the mere idea of not giving their love story the happy ending they deserve.

It’s scary. To imagine him building a family with someone who doesn’t have his smile, his eyes, his hands, his name. Jeongguk has been wondering since forever how could’ve been a future with Taehyung. Many times he imagined their wedding, a house and mini versions of themselves. But that’s what it is always going to be: a dream. Nothing more.

—

jeongguk:
hyung
 i dont know what do

jimin hyung:
what happened?

jeongguk:
fuck i cant even type it
i’m a fucking monster because all i can think about in this kind of situation is that im never going to have my happy ending with taehyung 

jimin hyung: 
you’re not a monster, jeongguk
don’t say that
tell hyung what happened 

jeongguk:
hyung i was always so careful i fucking used every fucking protection
 what do i do
i got her pregnant and im not ready to become a dad, hyung, not yet

jimin hyung:
oh fuck
trust me jeongguk, it’s going to be fine. you have all of us with you

jeongguk:
i dont even love her, not in the way she wants me to anyway and im not ready to build a family with someone i dont love

jimin hyung:
i know but it’s going to be okay jeongguk.
we’re here with you whatever decision you make

—

“Are you okay, baby?” 

Jeongguk looks at his Mom and just nods, not really feeling like talking at all. He’s still twenty six and what should’ve been one of the greatest gifts to him as a human being, is the thing that makes him the most anxious right now. 

It’s not something he is ready for, not right now, at least. And if he ever thought about a different ending for him and Taehyung, now he doesn’t see one. He can’t even imagine it. 

Sometimes, they still text each other. Not because they are obsessed with the other or with what they had, they just cherish all of it in the most genuine way. And Jeongguk just wants to be able and ready to help him if things with Seojoon goes down badly, because he doesn’t want to feel guilty as he felt back then when Taehyung was trapped in a relationship with Jaehyun that he never wanted in the first place.

He accepted a long time ago that they’re never going to get the happy ending they deserve and that’s okay. As long as he can have Taehyung in his life, everything’s okay.

“You’re scared,” Dahye says, whispering because Yeeun is between her arms fast asleep. “Aren’t you, baby?”

Jeongguk bends down to give Yeeun a kiss on the forehead, smiling as she smiles in her sleep. “She’s so pretty,” 

“She is,” Dahye smiles, rocking Yeeun between her arms. “I wish I could’ve been like this with you, too. When you were this little.”

“It’s in the past, Mom. Isn’t it? You came to find and bring me home, didn’t you?”

Dahye lowers her head, nodding. “I know, baby. I just.. still feel very guilty about it. I never should’ve abandoned you in the first place. If I never did, everything that happened last year..” She stops mid-sentence and Jeongguk shakes his head, coming closer to her and taking her and Yeeun between his arms. 

Jeongguk gives a kiss on her forehead, rocking Dahye in his arms. “It’s not your fault, Mom. What happened to me is not your fault.”

“It is. I blamed Taehyung the night it happened because I was afraid of losing you, I was scared and mad I didn’t notice you were doing this bad and—”

“Mom. Stop. It’s not your fault, neither Taehyung’s. Or any of the others’s. It’s mine.”

Dahye sighs and places her head on Jeongguk’s chest, carefully holding Yeeun between her arms as she looks at her. “At least she has your eyes, it eases my heart.”

Jeongguk smiles. “I got yours, so it’s only fair Yeeun’s got mine.”

Dahye hums and Jeongguk looks at Yeeun, not entirely into the aspect that he is, in fact, a big brother. She’s only a year and a half, but Jeongguk doesn’t really register that this tiny girl is part of their family.

And Jeongguk thinks about having one of his own, not because he wants to. Well, he always wanted to become a Dad, someday. He just didn’t expect it to be so soon and with someone he is not entirely sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with. 

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“I am.” Jeongguk says, his voice trembling. “I’m so scared, Mom.”

Dahye whispers, “I know, baby.”

“I don’t want to built a family with her when I’m not even sure if I love her.”

“I understand, baby. Whatever decision you make I’m going to support you.”

Jeongguk sighs and nods, looking at her. She has a strange expression on her face and Jeongguk frowns. “What’s wrong, Mom?”

Dahye gives Yeeun to him and he smiles as she stretches her little body in her sleep, but he still frowns when his mother returns with a photo book. She sits next to him and places it on her lap, turning half her body towards him. “Do you know how much months she is in?”

“She told me almost three months ago so I guess she’s entering her fifth month soon.”

Dahye hums as she looks through the photos, “I feel like you’re being lied on. I mean, when I got pregnant of you I had her body shape and that’s me at the end of my fourth month. I’n aware my belly wasn’t big enough, I was too skinny. But, Jeongguk..” Dahye says as she takes the photo and passes it to him, “Does she have at least her baby bump? Because she always wears tight tops and for an almost five months pregnant woman, I don’t think it’s normal her baby bump doesn’t even show.”

Jeongguk didn’t even think of it, he just accepted what she said without checking because.. Why would Sohee lie about expecting his child? She’s mean to him most of the time, it’s true, but he doesn’t think she’s lying about it. Because Jeongguk asked her to move in with him to let him take care of her and their baby even if she knows they’re not together anymore. He’s doing it for the sake of the baby. 

He wants to believe Sohee is really pregnant because he spent the last three months caressing her stomach every chance he got, he got accustomed to singing to her belly every night before sleeping. She doesn’t particularly involve herself in this kind of things, and now Jeongguk recalls her being on her phone as he caressed her belly many times.

“I know she hates the idea of me not loving her because I still have feelings for Taehyung, but do you really think she’s lying to me about the pregnancy?”

Dahye sighs, looking at him. “Did she ever asked you to accompany her to her regular check-in? Do you even know how your kid looks like? Any ultrasound scans?” 

Jeongguk feels the tears before they come running down his face, he’s careful with Yeeun in his arms but his hands are shaking and his head low. He shakes his head.

“Oh, baby,” Dahye whispers as she comes closer to him, Jeongguk’s head falling on her shoulder and Dahye’s chin on Jeongguk’s head. She caresses his back, trying to comfort him as much as she can, letting him cry as he understands how much of a fool he’s been.

“She—” Jeongguk coughs, inhales and tries to speak again. “She told me. Umh — That she wasn’t going to let me give the same life my father gave to me to the baby. Do you think —”

“Jeongguk,” Dahye says, firmly. She takes his face between her hands, wiping his tears with her thumbs. “She’s emotionally abusing you. She’s making you feel like you’re a freak because you don’t give her what she wants you to. She’s using what hurts you the most to make you feel guilt about something you can’t control. You’re not supposed to fall in love with her, you don’t have to love her, baby. It’s not a given and you can’t force yourself on loving her. She’s trying her best to have you for herself, snapping at you and trying to use violence because she wants control over you. But you’re not letting her, Jeongguk. Not anymore. You’re gonna let her confess she’s not pregnant and then you leave her the fuck behind. Alright?”

Jeongguk nods. He knows his mother is right and he is so fucking sick of being emotionally manipulated and drained for something he can’t force himself to give to her. 

Sohee has to accept Jeongguk is never going to love her. And since Jeongguk knows what love feels like, he knows Sohee is not in love with him. Or well, she was. At the begging, Jeongguk is sure she was. But what used to be the most beautiful and genuine feeling she felt for him, it soon turned into something dark, bad: obsession. 

“Thank you, Mom.”

Dahye just smiles and goes to the kitchen with Yeeun in her arms to preparing her meal. Jeongguk is distracted the moment he hears a ding coming from his phone. Unconsciously, he smiles when he sees Taehyung’s name on the screen.

taehyungie:
do you still use your camera?

jeongguk:
not as much
i stopped when we broke up

taehyungie:
oh

jeongguk
why?

taehyungie:
i’m going to have my own exhibition and i wanted a videotape playing as the background of the behind the scenes you know
and i dont know anyone as good as you with the camera so i was wondering if you could help me with it
of course its going to be rewarded 

jeongguk:
is seojoon-ssi aware of you asking me?
of all people i mean

taehyungie:
it’s my life, bun :) he doesn’t have any power over it as he’s just someone present in my life right now

Jeongguk smiles as he reads bun, he knows that probably it just slipped and Taehyung didn’t mean to write it, but it still warms his heart to know they’re able to be this casual to each other. It’s like they turned back some years, when they were best friends but still had feelings for each other.

jeongguk:
i know hyung and i’m glad
yeah, we can see what i can do to help you. just tell me the address and im going to meet you there :) 

Taehyung sends him the address and the hour they’re going to meet and he realizes it’s two hours away from now. They agreed on meeting near the Han River, walking to the place Taehyung wants to rent for the exhibition since it’s near. But he knows he agreed on walking just because he wants to spend more time with him.

It’s not like he wants to make an effort to look good or anything, but he really needs a shower and he has to prepare his camera bag.

He almost rushes through the door without saying goodbye to his mother so he walks backwards and leaves a kiss on her cheek, bending down to leave a few kiss on Yeeun’s grabby hands, waving goodbye.

“You’re such a loser!” He hears his mom saying and he just smiles, knowing damn well it’s the truth.

He rushes to his house and goes straight to the bathroom, not minding if Sohee’s is here or not. He takes what it has to be the fastest shower he ever took in his life and decides to wear a white tank top with a short sleeve white shirt on it and white pants. Maybe he really wants to impress him since he always told him how good he looks in white. Jeongguk styles his black hair and once he’s done, he puts on Taehyung’s favorite perfume.

Damn, he really does want to impress Taehyung, doesn’t he?

Jeongguk then searches for his camera and he’s glad it’s still charged. He tries to turn it on and a sigh of relief comes out from his mouth when it does, in fact, turn on. He hopes his degree in videography is going to be useful to Taehyung, at least.

When he finishes preparing the bag he has for his camera, he looks at the clock and sees it is almost time to meet with Taehyung. He doesn’t mind the May breeze as he walks out of his apartment, it’s enjoyable so it’s not a big deal since he’s wearing a short-sleeved shirt. 

He’s on his phone when someone stops in front of him as said person waits to be acknowledged by him. Jeongguk’s head snaps up as he feels all the air in his lungs disappears. Taehyung is wearing a cotton white long-sleeved t-shirt, on top of it a large brown tank top and baby blue jeans adorning his pretty legs. His hair is once again blonde — three months ago they were a caramel brown — and he’s wearing.. glasses.

Taehyung is always going to be Jeongguk’s wet dream and he knows by the playful smirk painted on Taehyung’s lips he wore glasses on purpose. Because Jeongguk always had a thing for Taehyung wearing glasses while having sex and he has to gulp.

“Let’s go?” Taehyung asks, the smirk stills adorning his shiny lips and he has to bite his lower lip to not say anything. Of fucking course he’s wearing strawberry chapstick. It’s so silly how both of them tried their best to impress the other. As if it was something necessary.

“After you,” Jeongguk smiles as he starts walking after Taehyung does, a shy smile on his lips and Jeongguk can clearly see he’s blushing but he won’t say anything.

“Thank you for agreeing. It means a lot to me,” Taehyung says as they walk side by side, stopping by their favorite bakery. They used to go there a lot when they dated, even before if he recalls rightly. 

“No problem, hyung. Thank you for allowing me to help you,” Jeongguk says, shrugging his shoulders as the waitress approaches them and gives them their menu. 

Jeongguk smiles when he sees Taehyung licking his lips at the sight of a strawberry cake, “Take whatever you want, I’m paying.” He says and sees Taehyung widening his eyes, trying to tell Jeongguk they can each pay for their own but he shrugs again. 

Taehyung ends up ordering a slice of strawberry cake and an iced tea while Jeongguk just orders an iced coffee. 

While they eat Taehyung explains Jeongguk how he wants to recall his story through his paintings, and his heart hurts and feels warm at the same time as Taehyung says he’s going to tell their story, too. Not because of what he’s saying, but for the glistening of his eyes as he talks about them, because of the smile adorning his lips. 

They were so good together Jeongguk wonders if they would still be loving each other in the right way as he keeps looking at Taehyung.

“Is Sohee going to be okay if we spend some time together? I don’t want to be a problem for your relationship.”

“As you said, she’s not someone who can take control over my life.”

Taehyung nods and gifts him a shy smile and Jeongguk wants to kiss it so bad. He misses his lips so much. 

They keep sipping their drinks until they can’t anymore and after paying they walk towards the studio Taehyung wants to rent and Jeongguk gets his camera before thinking about it, recording the view and he blames it on muscle memory, but more times than he can count he finds himself recording Taehyung. 

He stops when they arrive at their destination, Jeongguk puts his camera back in its bag and twirls around to see the place. 

Taehyung explains how he wants to show the paintings, how he wants to place them and he’s going to have one big led to each side of the room, so as people walks around to see his paintings they can stop and see the videotape, too. Jeongguk really likes the idea and tells Taehyung so, suggesting some things for the recording processes and it warms his heart to see Taehyung listen to him with such attention.

“Let me see what you recorded,” Taehyung says, coming closer to him, find his spot right between his legs. Jeongguk’s legs are tingling until he feels Taehyung’s long fingers spread out over his tight. Jeongguk gulps and nods, taking out his camera.

He goes to the gallery of his camera and goes backwards to find the first video he recorded today and, thinking it’s the right one, he clicks play. The second the video starts, Jeongguk freeze.

He didn’t even remember they decided to make a sex tape when they were younger. 

His cheeks flushes bright red as he tries to stop it but Taehyung’s fingers are suddenly on his wrist, stopping Jeongguk’s hand from moving. “We sure were bold back then,” Taehyung chuckles and Jeongguk smiles. “Fuck, you recorded us and kept going to university with it in the memory card?”

“Well,” Jeongguk shrugs. “Nothing to say about it. You know I like the thought of having someone walk in the middle of it or see it,”

“You haven’t changed, huh?”

“Says the one who called himself hyung with someone older than him just because he thought of his younger ex.”

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung says as he looks at him, still between is legs. “I literally had to think of you to get hard,”

Jeongguk feels something like adrenaline running through his veins at Taehyung’s words and he smirks. “You had to think of me to get wet, is that what you’re saying?” Jeongguk whispers, they’re so close he knows Taehyung can hear him anyway.

Taehyung smirks and nods, not shying away from Jeongguk’s flirting. “I had to. It was a critical situation. He tried many times to end up in bed with me but every time I just.. couldn’t. Then one day, I thought of you and.. yeah. I still do.”

“Fuck,” Jeongguk says, closing his eyes as he feels Taehyung fingers caressing his sides, his head hiding in the crock of Jeongguk’s neck. The moment he feels Taehyung’s lips kissing his neck Jeongguk bites his lower lip, trying his best to not show how affected he still is by his touch.

“So many times I thought of your lips kissing me to get at least aroused before doing anything with him,” Taehyung whispers as he keeps leaving a trail of wet kisses along the column of Jeongguk’s neck. Jeongguk turns his head towards Taehyung’s, his nose brushing the older’s jaw. 

He feels Taehyung’s lips stretching in a smile at the reaction Jeongguk’s having, because of course he’s still affected by everything Taehyung does. Of course his body responds immediately at the mere vicinity of their hips.

Jeongguk is far too gone to contain the moan that escapes his mouth as Taehyung sucks at his neck, feeling the arousal in the pit of his stomach. He knows he’s getting hard and feeling Taehyung’s cock getting hard on his leg is not helping him in any way. 

Taehyung suddenly looks at him, coming closer to let their noses touch, brushing them together. Jeongguk sees the glisten in his eyes and he wonders what it is, because suddenly Taehyung is quiet. 

“Congratulations, Bun,” Taehyung whispers and Jeongguk tries his best to not notice his trembling lips but fails. His hands are moving on his own when they find their way to Taehyung’s waist, bringing him closer. Jeongguk has now his feet on the ground, his legs still parted to let Taehyung stay between them. “I’m sure you’re going to be a great Dad.”

The moment Jeongguk hears these words come out from Taehyung’s mouth, voice breaking by the sobs he’s trying to refrain from leaving his mouth, his world falls apart. His shoulders suddenly feels too heavy, not knowing what to say or do.

Taehyung smiles gently at him even if his eyes are full of tears, his long fingers caressing Jeongguk’s cheeks and he’s sure his crying as he feels Taehyung wiping his tears. “It hurt a little that I had to found it out from the others. But I know you didn’t tell me because you didn’t want to hurt me. But sooner or later, I would’ve met your kid, right?” 

Jeongguk keeps silent as he cries, he watches Taehyung being the bigger person and swallow his sobs, not letting what he’s feeling take control over him. “I know what we had can’t be compared to what we have with our current partners, but it hurts that you’re going to live what we always dreamed about with someone who isn’t me.” Taehyung says as he brings their bodies closer with the hand he has on the small of Jeongguk’s back.

Jeongguk is hurting and Taehyung knows it because he’s hurting, too. He’s not saying all this with the intention of hurting him, it’s just that reality has been slapping their faces for so long that he’s tired of always having something that keeps Taehyung away from him. 

“Trust me, Bun. I’m happy for you, genuinely. I just wish I could’ve been the one to witness you being a Dad, alongside me.”

Jeongguk is literally chocking on his sobs as he lets out a mere audible, “I’m sorry.”

Taehyung shakes his head as he wipes his tears and leaves a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Don’t regret it because of me, please.” Taehyung whispers, voice breaking, again. Jeongguk hates all of it. “You’re going to be a Dad soon,” Taehyung repeats, as he can’t believe what he’s saying.

Jeongguk can’t, too.

Taehyung closes his eyes as he let his lips brush and both of them close their eyes, “I won’t forget what we had,” Taehyung whispers on his lips, letting them brush as he talks and Jeongguk fights the urge to kiss him right away. 

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung calls him, “Look at me.”

Jeongguk doesn’t want to, he’s so overwhelmed by all of it but he guess Taehyung is, too, and it’s hard for him too to say these things. So he opens his eyes and as soon as he does, he’s met with Taehyung’s big eyes, looking at him like he’s still everything to him. 

Taehyung starts caressing his cheek again as looks right into his eyes, “You’ve always been the greatest love I had the opportunity to meet. But realistically speaking, life has always been trying to separate us and I guess we both know we’re not going to happen again. If we had a chance, now we don’t.”

Jeongguk takes a deep breath before nodding, the pain in his chest amplifies the moment he realizes that Taehyung is right. 

Last time felt final because after so much lying Taehyung had been honest with him, and he knows they both needed time as to heal on their own, not together. But at that point, even trying would’ve been hard. So he knows they did the right thing one year ago, but right now, it feels final because Jeongguk — if that’s the truth and he’s not being lied on — got someone pregnant and it’s his responsibility to be by her and the baby side. He can’t let his feelings prevail, he doesn’t have the privilege.

“I don’t regret the baby. I could never. I just — regret not having it with you. But shit happens, right?”

Taehyung nods, “Hm,” he says, his lips trembling as he keeps caressing Jeongguk’s cheek and it hurts. But that doesn’t refrain Jeongguk to bring him closer to him, the tip of their noses touching.

Jeongguk rests his forehead against Taehyung’s, the older’s hand slipping between his jaw and neck. “I know we’re both overwhelmed but there’s nothing between us.”

Jeongguk’s lying and Taehyung is aware of it because he doesn’t look surprised from what he said, “Is there?” Jeongguk pushes, still whispering. 

“Would’ve I asked you to kiss you if there wasn’t still something between us?” 

Jeongguk knows that Taehyung asked to kiss him because both of them still have feelings for the other but they just can’t. They’re not allowed to try again. They don’t have the privilege to love each other in the sunlight.

So Jeongguk is going to keep loving him in the warm light Taehyung left in his heart. 

That is the only thing Jeongguk has left of him.

“I’m sorry hyung.” Is all Jeongguk can say.

“Fuck you,” Taehyung says as he sighs and crushes his lips against Jeongguk’s, finally letting his tears fall down his cheeks and Jeongguk knows he should be pulling away from him because until proven wrong Sohee is expecting his child, he knows it’s wrong because Taehyung is in a relationship with someone else, but he can’t.

Let’s be honest: he could, of course he could. Truth is, he doesn’t want to and it’s different.

Jeongguk knows he shouldn’t be doing this because in the past, every time Taehyung told him he cheated on him felt like he was stabbing him in the chest, repeatedly. And being the one he’s cheating with on his current boyfriend doesn’t entertain Jeongguk, at all, but as they keep kissing, he can’t get enough of it. He missed Taehyung’s lips so much he feels on cloud nine as their lips keeps moving together at a steady speed.

The kiss is not rushed, it’s like they know this might be the last time they’re going to commit the same mistake. The kiss is emotional, if their tears are anything to by.

Jeongguk’s hands work their way through Taehyung’s long sleeved t-shirt, feeling his skin erupting in goosebumps underneath his pads as he starts caressing his skin and Taehyung’s reaction makes him smile on his lips. 

Taehyung releases his lower lip after getting accustomed to Jeongguk’s touch. He knows how much Taehyung likes his hands but seeing and feeling the way he reacts to him or his touch is still the same after so long time spent apart, Jeongguk feels like his heart is growing bigger inside his chest. 

Jeongguk brings Taehyung impossibly closer to him, letting their body be each other’s canvas, their hands each other’s palette and their lips each other’s paintbrush. 

“Do you want me to think rationally or irrationally?” Taehyung asks as his lips start to paint over Jeongguk’s throat, leaving a trail of saliva behind that Jeongguk really doesn’t mind, his eyes closing at the feeling of his lips on him. He wants everything Taehyung wants to give him. Jeongguk’s hands are still tracing Taehyung’s sides and his back, letting them paint all over Taehyung’s body.

“I want you to do what your heart is telling you to, sincerely,” Jeongguk whispers. He open his eyes to be meet with Taehyung’s face as close as possible to his, their noses brushing against each other. Taehyung’s gaze drop on Jeongguk’s lips so he licks them and makes sure to play with his lip piercings and smirks when Taehyung looks back at him.

“What my heart is telling me to, you say?” Taehyung whispers, letting Jeongguk feel the ghost of his breath upon his lips and Jeongguk nods, not trusting his own voice as Taehyung’s eyes seems to see right through him. “My heart,” Taehyung whispers, his lips grazing against his, never tearing his gaze away from Jeongguk’s. “Is screaming for you.” 

Jeongguk gulps. He feels his heart trembling at Taehyung’s words and he knows that Taehyung can tell, because as soon as he notices Jeongguk’s lower lip trembling, his arm comes around Jeongguk’s small waist, his free hand coming up to the back of his head guiding him against Taehyung’s shoulder. He starts caressing his nape as he tries to soothe him and Jeongguk already feels a lot calmer. 

“Tell hyung,” Taehyung whispers on his ear, leaving a kiss underneath it. “Tell hyung if your heart is screaming for him, too. Please.”

If Jeongguk wasn’t panicking right now he would’ve scoffed. As if is heart ever stopped.

So Jeongguk decides to show Taehyung how is heart is still screaming for him. He takes a deep breath as he turns his head, nuzzling Taehyung’s jaw with his nose. He smiles when he sees Taehyung’s gulping, he can tell he’s nervous of hearing Jeongguk’s answer so he edges him a little, letting silence fall upon them.

They stay like this for a while, Taehyung still caressing his nape and Jeongguk burying his face on the crock of Taehyung’s neck. 

Taehyung is almost pulling back when Jeongguk’a arms secures around Taehyung’s waist. Jeongguk feels so much love as his eyes keep roaming on his face, noticing the small details he still loves so deeply. Jeongguk comes closer to his face, kissing both his eyes, leaving a kiss on the mole underneath. Then he kisses his nose, leaving one more exactly where the mole is. He gazes up at his eyes and smiles, leaving a kiss on both sides of his mouth, smiling again when Taehyung chases after them but he pulls away, then leaves a kiss on the mole Taehyung has on his lower lip. 

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung whispers as Jeongguk nuzzles his jawline, leaving a trail of wet kisses on it. He hums, letting Taehyung know that he’s here, he’s listening to what he has to say. “Please, answer me.” 

Jeongguk smiles but he keeps silent, the trail of wet kisses taking place on Taehyung’s neck next, and that’s when Jeongguk notices it. The necklace hanging from his neck is the one Jeongguk gifted him, the one with the TJ pendants. 

“Is your heart screaming for me, too?” Taehyung asks, voice so small Jeongguk’s heart hurts. He notices his eyes brimming with tears so he brings both his hands on his face, caressing his cheeks in the gentlest way possible. 

He smiles, hoping he can convey all his love with his eyes as Taehyung looks at them. “My heart has never stopped calling your name, Taehyung.”

And Jeongguk sees it, the same glisten his eyes have had the very first time Jeongguk asked, My heart’s fucking calling your name. It has been for so long, Taehyung. Does yours want me the same? looking right into his soul. Jeongguk feels his gaze and in the silence keeping them company, Jeongguk can hear Taehyung’s beating heart along with his, intertwining into Jeongguk’s favorite melody. 

Jeongguk takes his face between his hands, their noses nuzzling against each other’s. He can feel Taehyung’s trembling body against his, so he searches his gaze and when he finds he, Jeongguk makes sure to let him know that he wants him the same, that he’s not pulling back until Taehyung is the one asking him to.

“If you make love to me,” Taehyung whispers and Jeongguk isn’t surprised that he’s not addressing it as sex. Of course they made sex back when they were together, but right now Taehyung’s vulnerable and he just wants Jeongguk as close as possible. 

Jeongguk wants it, too. That’s why he doesn’t let him finish. “No, Taehyung.” Jeongguk whispers over his lips and the older’s eyes widen, trying to pull away. His arm goes instinctively to his waist, pulling him closer. He looks at him, smiling. “I’m not going to regret it. I want it just as much as you do.”

“Do you?” He asks, still insecure. “Want me, I mean.”

Jeongguk smiles, grazing Taehyung’s lips with his. “I never stopped wanting you.” Jeongguk whispers, leaving a kiss on the mole on Taehyung’s lower lip. “I just stopped showing it because it made me miserable to still want you when you aren’t mine anymore.” 

Taehyung arms are suddenly around Jeongguk’s shoulders. They’re the same height but Taehyung is on his tiptoes, his forehead against Jeongguk’s. “I want you to believe me when I tell you this.” Taehyung says, taking Jeongguk’s hand that was still on his cheek, bringing it over his heart. Taehyung’s hand on top of his. “I will always be yours.”

Jeongguk will always be Taehyung’s, too, but he doesn’t get to tell him that because he’s all over him, and Jeongguk lets their lips meet again, kissing Taehyung until his out of breath but even then, he doesn’t let him escape as Taehyung kisses him again. 

His arms slide along Taehyung’s waist, turning around and taking Taehyung by weight, letting him sit where he was sitting before. His legs parting automatically as Jeongguk fits himself between them, making out and panting by the time both of them are fully hard again. 

Jeongguk lets Taehyung take off his short-sleeved shirt, hearing gasp as he sees his full sleeve tattoo, finding soon his PLEASE LOVE ME with the tiger lily over it, obscuring some lettering. Jeongguk is so proud of this tattoo, of the meaning of it. That’s what he always wanted from Taehyung, to love him without having a reason to do so. 

His skin erupts in goosebumps when he feels Taehyung’s long finger tracing his digit into it, his heart trembling when Taehyung brings his forearm up to his lips, tracing the tattoo with them before leaving wet kisses on the length of it. “I love it so much. I just wish I could’ve been with you when you got it.”

Jeongguk closes the gap between their lips and wonders if that’s a good answer to what Taehyung said, a kiss to say that what happened back in time it’s not his fault, that he can still be with him if he only wants to. 

But Jeongguk knows Taehyung feels guilty about not talking to him about what happened to him before and he doesn’t blame him, because doesn’t matter how much Jeongguk still wants him, still loves him, he needs to heal. Heal from all the hurting a nameless and faceless father got him going through, heal from all the suffering Taehyung caused to him when he decided to lie to him for years. Heal from the hurting he got himself through, from all the self-sabotage he did to himself. He needs to heal before giving himself a chance of loving Taehyung again, in the right way. And he wants Taehyung to love both parts of him: the rotted, ruined part of him and the healed, self-loving part of himself, if he ever gets the opportunity to love himself before loving someone else.

Taehyung kisses him back. The kiss is desperate this time, Taehyung parts Jeongguk’s mouth with his tongue to meet his and as soon as they do, Taehyung whimpers in his mouth and Jeongguk brings his hand on Taehyung’s thigh, gripping the flash gently. 

Taehyung scoots closer to him and circles his waist with his legs, bringing him closer and Jeongguk helps him getting out of his brown tank top, moaning when Taehyung sucks on his bottom lip, hard. 

“Fuck,” Jeongguk whispers, detaching himself from Taehyung lips to attach his to Taehyung’s neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses and Jeongguk fucking loves how Taehyung’s body still responds to him, his skin erupting in goosebumps as Jeongguk keeps kissing and licking his neck. “I missed you so much,”

Taehyung moans softly and hums, “Me too,” he whispers, parting his lips and licking the bottom lip, biting and sucking at it. Jeongguk bites at his own when he sees the vision Taehyung is, their lips meeting again in a heated kiss. 

“Do you—” 

“Yes. I have everything.” Taehyung stops kissing him then, reaching behind what Jeongguk imagines to be the back pocket of his jeans, taking out a condom and a pocket sized lube. Jeongguk looks up, smirking.

“Wait,” Jeongguk chuckles, panting as Taehyung kisses him again. And Jeongguk feels it. Taehyung’s smile while being kissed by Jeongguk. 

“What?” Taehyung whispers as he keeps kissing Jeongguk, his hands finding his way to Jeongguk’s sides, bringing him closer to him. Jeongguk chuckles, out of breath for being kissed like this by Taehyung and how much he missed it and how it feels like nothing ever happened to them. He pulls away, smiling, as he looks at Taehyung. 

“You came prepared because you wanted to be intimate with me or were you planning on seeing him after?”

“Are you acting jealous, Jeon?” Taehyung smirks and Jeongguk shrugs, smirking as well. 

“Don’t need to be,” Jeongguk whispers, his lips grazing Taehyung’s. “You’re thinking about me either way,” He shrugs, a smirk painting his lips as he sees Taehyung’s widening eyes. 

“You’re not letting it go, are you?”

“Well,” Jeongguk comes closer to Taehyung, his teeth sinking on the older’s lower lip, pulling at it, sucking before releasing it. “You shouldn’t have told me.” 

Taehyung smiles and suddenly his lips are on Jeongguk’s neck, licking and kissing it as Jeongguk brings him closer by placing his hands on Taehyung’s small waist. Taehyung’s hands slides down on his crotch area, feeling his length with his long fingers, from Jeongguk’s lips escapes a low moan when Taehyung gives more pressure.

“Wanna suck you off,” Jeongguk whispers, one of his hands tangling between Taehyung’s hair as the blonde haired boy keeps sucking at his neck and at this point, even if he should, he doesn’t give a fuck about Sohee, he just wants to feel Taehyung and remember it for a long time. “Want you to think about me when Seojoon is the one with his lips around your cock,”

“I already do,” Taehyung winks at him once he’s looking at him and Jeongguk smirks, leaning closer to Taehyung. He unbuttons his jeans and slides them down, almost yanking them off. He sinks on his knees, his eyes never leaving Taehyung’s as he leans down to leave wet kisses all over Taehyung’s thigh. 

Jeongguk thinks about marking him, letting Seojoon know Taehyung was with him but he’s better than him and he doesn’t need to mark Taehyung to know he is still his.

He leaves love bites, though. He doesn’t suck on it, but he bites and he knows that maybe the shape of his teeth will still be there once Seojoon looks at Taehyung’s legs but he doesn’t care and Taehyung doesn’t, too, if his silence and his low moans are anything to go by.

“He never treats me the way you do,” Taehyung whispers, sucking at his own lips as he looks at Jeongguk, one of his hands tangling between his hair. “I’m used to others using me as if I’m just some flesh but you, fuck,” Taehyung takes a deep breath. “You never do, Jeongguk. That’s what I miss the most. You treating me like the person I am, as Taehyung and not as some flesh to fuck.”

Jeongguk stops, he leaves one last kiss on Taehyung’s thigh before he’s on his feet again, his hands taking his face between them. “Taehyung,” Jeongguk whispers, his eyes searching Taehyung’s, but he doesn’t look and Jeongguk is worried. 

He’s worried because Taehyung is fucking crying with a fucking hard on Jeongguk feels as he presses closer to him. “Look at me, darling,” He whispers, his forehead touching Taehyung’s, their lips grazing against each other. “Darling,” He says, making sure Taehyung feels his tone, making sure he understands that he’s not judging him, he could never. 

“Baby, please.” Jeongguk says, his lips moving on top of Taehyung’s who looks at him slightly only when Jeongguk presses his lips to his. 

Taehyung presses his, too, and Jeongguk feels it. A single tear falling upon his lips. “We don’t have to do this,” Jeongguk whispers, his upper lip trapped between Taehyung’s lips, pressing to each other without moving. Jeongguk’s hand comes up to cup Taehyung’s jaw, his long fingers caressing there. “We could just cuddle and I’d be the happiest man alive.” Jeongguk says, his lips moving as he talks, stealing a peck from his lips. “I don’t want you for your body, Taehyung. I never wanted you for you body. I want you because you’re you, because you’re Taehyung. I want you for your heart,” Jeongguk says, his gaze locking with Taehyung’s, the older eyes widening.

Jeongguk hopes Taehyung understands that his I want you’s are just his way to tell him he still loves him, that his heart is still screaming for him. That he still wants to be his white canvas, letting Taehyung paint all over him whatever emotions he’s feeling. That doesn’t matter how much hurt Taehyung put him through, how much pain his heart felt. Or how much Jeongguk wanted to die whenever he told him he cheated on him, he now knows why Taehyung lied to him and although it doesn’t erase all the pain, he understands him. Jeongguk doesn’t comprehend why he didn’t trust him to tell him the truth sooner, but he tries and does understand him. Taehyung was broken, always putting on a brave smile to make Jeongguk believe he was fine. He just wishes he could realize sooner that Taehyung has been faking all the time. He tried to hate him, he really did. But how can Jeongguk hate him when it has been two years and a half since they broke up and he’s still here, bodies pressed together, his lips on top of Taehyung’s, and his heart still calling his name?

“How could you say something like this when I’m the one who fucking teared you apart? Who fucking broke your heart time and time again? I’ve been doing it since you were nineteen, Jeongguk. In four months you’re going to be twenty seven and I’m still here breaking your fucking heart, letting you be the one I’m cheating on my current fucking boyfriend. I can’t do this, Jeongguk. I thought I could, but I can’t.”

He looks at Taehyung when he pulls away and does his jeans, his eyes full of tears as he tries his best not to look at Jeongguk. He’s going to leave and Jeongguk shouldn’t stop him, he shouldn’t kiss him again, but that’s what he does because he doesn’t care if Taehyung wants to bring himself down, he doesn’t care if he’s trying to hurt himself thinking he doesn’t deserve to be treated like a fucking human, excusing this by reminding him how he hurt him. And that’s right. Taehyung hurt him, badly. But while trying to hurt Jeongguk, Taehyung teared himself apart, too. Taehyung broke his own heart trying to break Jeongguk’s. And he acknowledges it, he does. But Jeongguk wants Taehyung to fucking stop blaming himself. Evidently it had to go that way.

And Jeongguk is not sure if they’re going to ever be back as one, as the sun and the moon, as the ocean and its sun, as the sun and its sunflower.

Taehyung has always been the sun. Jeongguk’s sun. Because Jeongguk is like the moon, bright and looked at by many people, but not every one loves it. The sun, though, does. The sun loves the moon unconditionally, blending in beautiful colors when they’re about to meet with each other. The ocean is aesthetically speaking so pretty, its waves crushing against the shore, but many people are afraid of it. Not always the ocean is loved. But the sun is, and the sun loves its ocean unconditionally, gifting the ocean its beautiful glisten, reflecting onto it and setting on it, giving life to the beautiful sunsets they’re so in love with. That’s what they are. Taehyung and Jeongguk, once they blend, they give life to beautiful paintings full of colors.

A mix of each other’s color. 

Sunflowers have always been Taehyung’s favorite flower, he never said the reason why to Jeongguk, but he feels like one of them when he looks at Taehyung. Because Taehyung has always been the sun. And just like a sunflower, Jeongguk is going to follow him, time and time again. Until they belong to each other again, until their stars align again.

Until Taehyung lets Jeongguk be his canvas again, to paint on him all kind of emotions Taehyung’s heart is going trough. Jeongguk just hopes to be a canvas full of beautiful colors, portraying Taehyung’s emotions, good ones, bad ones. He hopes there’s more good than bad, but Jeongguk is going to take care of him anyway, in any forms Taehyung wants him to be.

Until Jeongguk becomes his canvas and Taehyung the palette finding its way to paint on him again.

“I never wanted to hurt you this badly, Jeongguk.” Taehyung whispers between his lips and Jeongguk hums, letting their lips be the one to paint their next painting, the emotions they’re sharing now. Taehyung’s fingers tangles between his hair, Jeongguk arms around his waist, bringing him closer. “I never wanted this.”

“I know, darling,” Jeongguk whispers, their foreheads touching as he pulls away from the kiss. “Stop blaming yourself, alright? Maybe yes,” Jeongguk nods, closing his eyes. “If you talked to me sooner about it we could’ve been still together. But I think that sooner or later — and not because our love died — we could’ve broken up. I used to think we were forever, do you remember it?”

Taehyung hums, “I do. Fuck, I do.” 

“And you used to tell me nothing lasts forever, didn’t you?”

Taehyung nods.

“Maybe we won’t last forever, Taehyung. But in our hearts,” Jeongguk whispers, his nose grazing against Taehyung’s, their lips almost touching. “There will always be all the beautiful paintings we shared and painted together, aren’t they?”

“Always, Jeongguk.”

“I just wish we had more time. But I’ve loved you with every fiber of my being and I don’t regret it. I won’t ever regret you.”

“I’ve loved you, too.” Taehyung says, kissing him one last time. 

And both of them know the past tense is being used against their will because they’re not courageous enough do admit they still love each other.

Chapter Text

“Do you really want to put our moments to your video?”

“It’s your video, Bun,” Taehyung smiles at him as he keeps seeing again and again videos from when they were dating. Currently, Taehyung is watching for the tenth time the one where he let himself be Jeongguk’s canvas. Sometimes Taehyung liked to be the one being painted on. And being Jeongguk’s canvas has always been Taehyung’s favorite thing. Letting Jeongguk be on top of him, letting him paint his emotions on Taehyung skin with his brushes, Jeongguk’s bare hands, his lips. Yeah, Taehyung fucking loves being Jeongguk’s canvas. “And of course I want to. It’s my story and you’re part of it.”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk hums, still editing some videos he took of Taehyung working on his exhibition and Taehyung wants to kiss his pouty lips so bad. Jeongguk has always been like this. When he concentrates too much, his lips automatically forms a pout and Taehyung shouldn’t be staring at it right now. “But Seojoon is your partner now. Shouldn’t you be putting some moments with him? I mean, he surely does show you off on his social media.”

Taehyung smirks because he knows Jeongguk doesn’t really follow Seojoon on any social media. He might’ve stalked Jeongguk’s, he might’ve cried one time when he reposted a photo Sohee put on her story of the two kissing, he might’ve smiled when Jeongguk put a video of himself singing To Find You, he might’ve done a lot of things. But to know Jeongguk, who doesn’t really care about showing off or social media in general, stalked his partner profile, makes his heart beat a little bit faster. 

“Yeah?” Taehyung asks, waits for him to react but he doesn’t, too concentrated on his computer screen. “And how do you know that?”

Jeongguk shrugs, “I just know it.”

“Well,” Taehyung starts, smiling when he sees a video Jimin took of them. The Jeongguk and Taehyung in the video are on the beach and they’re happy. Taehyung is running away and Jeongguk is chasing after him, both of them falling in the sand, near the shore, and they just kiss. The ocean waves hitting them and they just laugh, Jeongguk keeps kissing his smile, even if his lips might have tasted salty. They’re so in love. In this video, they’re so in love it hurts. To remember how much they loved each other. How happy they made each other. How Taehyung had everything and let it go without a second thought. How he would give everything up if he just could right now. “I surely do not share anything because you know I like keeping my love life private. So?”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen and Taehyung smiles, makes sure to find his eyes and smirks. “It’s okay if you stalked his social media. Must suck to not have me anymore, huh?”

It should’ve been a joke and maybe he shouldn’t be saying these things at all. Last week they were about to fuck in the very same room they are right now, Taehyung fucking congratulated Jeongguk because the younger is going to become a Dad soon, he reminds himself. But Jeongguk’s response tugs at his heart.

“We would’ve been so happy if we were still together, wouldn’t we?”

Taehyung gulps as he keeps seeing the video replaying again and again in front of him. They would’ve been happy as long as they were together. But Taehyung has always been a coward, scared of being judged and being seen the way he saw himself. He knows it’s his fault and he knows Jeongguk is not trying to blame him. 

“Maybe we wouldn’t.” He shrugs.

“What do you mean?”

Taehyung looks at Jeongguk, the younger’s eyes so fond as he looks at him and Taehyung misses them so much. “I feel like we weren’t mature enough. We were so little back then, weren’t we? Not when we started dating,” Taehyung smiles. “But we fell in love when we were way too young, we didn’t really know what love was and I wasn’t in a state, mentally, where I could give one hundred percent of myself to you. I hurt you so much and I’m not going to justify myself for it. And we loved each other so much, didn’t we? But maybe it wasn’t the right time for us to love each other, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk looks at him and for the briefest moment he sees his eyes glisten, tears threatening to fall down to his pinky cheeks and Taehyung’s heart clenches. He doesn’t want Jeongguk to cry for him, not anymore. He never wanted him to cry because of him, for the record.

“You’re not the only one at fault, Taehyung. Please know that.” 

“I know,” Taehyung nods, trying to believe his own words. “But you never hurt me the way I hurt you.”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “I hurt you when I blamed you of replacing me with Jaehyun when I didn’t know it was an abusive relationship. I hurt you at Yoongi’s birthday when you came back because I didn’t know what happened. I hurt you with that text about the tattoo. I hurt you when I was fucking with Jimin behind your back, even if we weren’t together and you already had broken up with me. I hurt you when I decided to set you free that day at the hospital and I feel like it’s my fault you’re not entirely happy with Seojoon. But we should stop coming back to the other, shouldn’t we? I’m about to become a fucking Dad and I have to stick to Sohee even when I’m sure I don’t love her just because I can’t bring myself to do the same shit what should be my father did. I hurt you with this, too. We’re both at fault, Taehyung.”

Taehyung sighs, his tears now threatening to fall down his cheeks as he keeps seeing the videos they have of when they were together. He can’t believe how much things have changed in almost three years.

Taehyung always wished to become a Dad with Jeongguk beside him, and now.. Now Jeongguk is becoming a Dad with someone else who doesn’t hold Taehyung’s name.

“I keep forgetting you’re actually becoming a Dad and it’s not like some nightmare I had.”

“I’m sorry.” 

Jeongguk’s voice is so small it makes Taehyung’s heart break. “Don’t be sorry about that. It’s a beautiful thing, Jeongguk. Fuck, you’re becoming a Dad. You can be a better one than that piece of shit.” Taehyung says, his hands reaching out to take Jeongguk’s tattooed hand between his. “Don’t ever be sorry about becoming a Dad because me.”

“I promised you forever, Taehyung.”

“Nothing lasts forever, silly,” Taehyung smiles to him, tightening his grip to his hand, letting it linger before pulling his hands away. He returns his attention to the videos, keeping some of them to the Favorites fold of his iPad, and the conversation ends there. They just talk when it comes to work and Taehyung turns down Jeongguk offer to go and grab a bite together so he asks Taehyung if he wants something and he shakes his head.

When Jeongguk goes to buy something to eat for himself, Taehyung allows himself to cry. He knows Jeongguk will bring something to eat to him and he knows it’s not fair to himself to cry about a past relationship when he should be moving on, but h can’t help it.

His phone buzzes two times, so he goes to his back pocket and takes out his phone. There are two texts from two people.

jeongguk:
i’ll be crying somewhere else so take your time, alright? don’t bottle up, hyung :)

seojoon <3:
i have some spare time, wanna ft?

Another text comes up.

seojoon <3:
nvm they just called i’m going to ft you later baby i love you 

Taehyung puts his phone face down on the table and just cries. It’s so fucked up that they keep showing each other how much they still love the other but they’re not courageous enough to make things right. It might be a first for them, but no one makes the first step. They can’t. Jeongguk can’t feel sorry for becoming Dad, Taehyung cannot make him feel sorry about it. 

They will always be the right person to the other, it’s just that time wasn’t in their favor and maybe it will never be.

Taehyung could literally break up with Seojoon right away if Jeongguk asked, but again, he’s soon-to-be Dad, and maybe Jeongguk is thinking about marrying Sohee because she’s expecting his child, and it wouldn’t be fair to the baby.  

Taehyung lets it all out. He cries without a care in the world, he’s not ashamed of crying and it makes his heart break that Jeongguk is somewhere else, crying all alone.

He hurt Jeongguk so much and it breaks his heart because he knows they were good to each other, he knows they loved each other right. Being scared of letting Jeongguk into his past, letting him know how rotted he actually was, letting him see how small Taehyung always felt is what ruined them.

Well. At the end of the day Taehyung is the one who ruined them, Jeongguk, everything they had. 

Taehyung lied to him so many times, every time that happened, he told Jeongguk he cheated. It was easier to make him believe Taehyung was an actual asshole instead of telling him someone who isn’t even related to him has been selling his body to his pleasure. A fourteen year old boy shouldn’t be having sexual encounters with someone his stepfather’s age. A fourteen year old boy shouldn’t be begging them to stop because they’re hurting him. Yoongi’s brother did the same thing to him, without a care in the world he took advantage of his body, tapping his mouth when he was pleading him to stop.

Since the day he left, he has been blaming Yoongi for what happened but there’s something that doesn’t make sense to him. He knows Yoongi is nothing like his brother, for fuck’s sake, he called the cops on his own brother to save Taehyung that day. He wouldn’t do anything like that to him, Taehyung knows Yoongi and he’s going to find out what happened in reality.

His phone buzzes again and he takes it, wiping his cheeks from the tears.

jiminie:
we, as me and yoongi, have to talk to you. tell me when you’re free baby

taehyung:
oh? would tonight be alright for you?

jiminie:
of course, see you later love

“Do you want to be alone?”

How much time passed?

Why is Jeongguk back so soon?

“I couldn’t bear the idea of you here crying. That’s why I came back,” Jeongguk says and it seems like he’s reading his mind. “Do you want to be alone?”

Taehyung nods. “Alone with you. I want to be alone with you, Jeongguk. Please.”

“What can I do for you, hyung?” Jeongguk asks and his eyes are so worried and red it makes Taehyung choke on his own saliva. “Anything, Taehyung. Ask me anything.”

Jeongguk shouldn’t be saying it, shouldn’t be saying it that way, like nothing ever happened and like they are still together. Jeongguk should be resenting him, hating him for what he did. But every time he looks at him, he can still see the love Jeongguk’s eyes have been holding for him since they were thirteen and almost fifteen.

Taehyung takes a paper from his bag, stands up and walks closer to Jeongguk, showing it to him. “I’m clean. Are you?”

“What?”

“Have you been fucking Sohee or someone else, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “I haven’t touched anyone in a while.”

“Can I ask for anything, then?”

Jeongguk nods. “Anything.”

“Fuck me, then.” Taehyung says, the paper falling on the ground as his arms circles Jeongguk’s waist, “This is the last time I’m asking you this. We’re not going to go back to each other anymore. This one is final, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk gulps down as he brushes his nose on Taehyung’s jaw. “Is it?”

“Y-Yes.”

Jeongguk recomposes himself, his hands on both Taehyung’s sides. “There will never be the word final in our story, Taehyung.” Jeongguk says, his lips brushing against Taehyung’s and Taehyung chases after them, too hungry to wait. “Want to know what word will be present in our story instead?”

“What?” Taehyung asks, just putting his lips upon Jeongguk’s. He wants to feel them. 

“Surely not some shit like happily ever after,”

Taehyung chuckles, “Then what?”

Jeongguk pecks his lips one time before answering and Taehyung’s heart starts thumping so loudly into his ribcage that he’s afraid Jeongguk might hear it. “The End. Kinda cliche. But not because our story ends there. But because I’m making sure to marry you one day and that’s going to be the story we’re gonna tell to our children. It will never end, between you and me.”

Taehyung wants to believe Jeongguk, wants to believe him because he sounds so sincere and so sure of what he’s saying that it makes his heart tremble. Taehyung might be twenty eight years old now, but Jeongguk will always make him feel like he’s still a teenager, feeling so free to love, to be loved.

Without a fear in the whole world, Taehyung would fucking marry Jeongguk right now if he only could.

“I used to be afraid whenever you would tell me we were forever,” Taehyung says, his lips moving along Jeongguk’s as he talks, his hands moving up and down along Jeongguk’a back, his fingers drawing small circles on his skin. He’s sure he feels it because the material of the tank top he’s wearing is so thin, it’s like he’s not wearing anything at all. “Because in that moment I wasn’t sure I could ever give it to you. But right now, Jeongguk,” Taehyung says, their lips aching to touch each other’s, his hands bringing Jeongguk closer to him, their chests touching, their hearts welcoming each other’s beat in. “I would give it to you right away if you just asked. All I need is you asking me to give you forever in this exact moment and I’m going to give up everything that doesn’t have you in it.”

And when Taehyung sees his doe-eyes widening, he smiles. It’s like watching thirteen years old Jeongguk confessing to him for the first time. A simple I really like you, hyung had Jeongguk eyes go wide in surprise. Like he couldn’t believe what he just said or what Taehyung answered him back then. I really like you too, Bun he told him. But almost fifteen years old Taehyung was ashamed and disgusted by himself for what he’s stepfather was making him do. That’s why he didn’t make his move on him sooner. Sure, they fooled around, but he couldn’t bring himself to touch Jeongguk that way or kiss him. By the time Taehyung was twenty one years old, his heart couldn’t handle anymore to not have Jeongguk. 

“We both know I can’t, right now. But make sure to tell me again someday. My answer might be different.”

Taehyung just hums and finally kisses Jeongguk. His hands slides up to cup the back of his neck, Jeongguk walking forward as he walks backwards until his ass hits the table. Jeongguk picks him up and suddenly Taehyung is sitting on it, his legs spread wide to welcome Jeongguk in between, his hands reaching Jeongguk’s waist.

Jeongguk’s hands cups both sides of his jaw as he keeps kissing him, never letting the other’s lips go. Taehyung hums in the kiss, his hands bringing Jeongguk closer to him, his legs trapping the younger between them. 

“Are you going to run away this time, too?” Jeongguk asks as he pulls away to his lips just to start leaving wet kisses alongside his jaw, Jeongguk’s hand falling to his shoulder, his fingers tracing his prominent collarbones. Jeongguk’s finger are so different from his, while Taehyung’s are more thin and longer, Jeongguk’s are a little chubbier but still long and Taehyung fucking loves them. 

“I’m not,” Taehyung’s answer is rushed, hurried, his head shaking. “No more run away, Jeongguk. No more.” He says slowly, his hands tightening around Jeongguk’s sides, careful not to hurt him, but he knows Jeongguk likes when Taehyung digs his fingers into his flesh. 

“Kinda ironic, isn’t it?” Jeongguk says, his teeth coming in contact with Taehyung’s neck and he knows what he’s doing but Taehyung doesn’t have it in himself to tell him you shouldn’t be marking me up, because selfishly, Taehyung wants it. “To say you’re not running away when I’m still yours but you’re not mine, won’t you say so?”

Taehyung tries to contain his moans but Jeongguk makes it difficult. Difficult because he’s working his lips, teeth and tongue to his neck and he’s so fucking confident as he speaks that his legs are fucking trembling. So he moans directly into Jeongguk’s ear, his forehead falling on his shoulder, his mouth aching to kiss Jeongguk again. “I’ve always been yours,”

“Bet you tell Seojoon-ssi that too,” Jeongguk says as he keeps marking him up, covering Taehyung in so many bruises that are going to be painted to his neck for days. Taehyung will figure out what to say to Seojoon later because right know? He doesn’t give a fuck. 

“Careful,” Taehyung whispers into his ear, his lips biting his lobe. “You might lose all your bets if you’re this confident about what you say,”

“Yeah?” Jeongguk whispers and angles his head to leave a kiss on Taehyung’s lips before changing side, starting to paint the other side of his neck with a mix of burgundy and purple shades.

“Never told him I’m his,” Taehyung whispers, his hands under Jeongguk’s tank top now, his fingers tracing his lines and skin, bringing him closer and closer and closer. Their hips almost touching, Taehyung’s body aching to touch, feel Jeongguk’s. “Never told him I love you, cause I fucking don’t.”

“Careful,” Jeongguk says, mocking him, eyes suddenly finding his, locking their gazes, face coming closer to his. Jeongguk’s teeth coming in contact with Taehyung’s lower lip, sinking them into it and sucking. “Don’t be too full of yourself now,” Jeongguk says after releasing it, “You’re still a coward, baby,” and his hands are suddenly on the fabric of his long-sleeved sweat-shirt, sliding it off his body. Taehyung’s arms going up instinctively as Jeongguk slides his sweat-shirt over his head.

“I might be the biggest coward ever,” Taehyung replies, closing his eyes as Jeongguk’s lips are now painting along his collarbone, leaving kisses as his hands brings him closer. Taehyung’s hands finding his way to Jeongguk’s hair, tugging at it when Jeongguk sinks his teeth to his collarbone. “But I still make your heart tremble and scream for me, don’t I?”

Jeongguk chuckles, hums. “And you’re an asshole for that. Making me feel like a fucking teenager when I should be over you.”

“Good thing you’re not,” Taehyung murmurs, his lips finding Jeongguk’s jaw. Taehyung kisses, bites, licks over it as he tugs at Jeongguk’s hair, nosing his cheek as he talks to him, whispering “‘Cause no one will ever fuck me the way you do,”

“Yeah?” 

Taehyung hums and this time he’s the one who’s painting bruises all over Jeongguk’s skin, not caring about him coming home to Sohee and letting her see how bruised up Jeongguk is, doesn’t care about how both of them are cheating on their partners when it feels this good to be in Jeongguk’s arms again.

“So am I just your booty call?”

Taehyung scoffs. “You’ll always be the one who knows me, Jeongguk. I don’t give a fuck about Seojoon getting off on thinking he owns me,” He says, pulling at his hair, his lips crushing against his, biting his lower lip, hard. “You will never be just sex to me.”

Jeongguk hums and kisses him. The kiss is wet, their lips chasing after the other, his tongue trying to find his way into Jeongguk’s mouth until he gives him permission and their tongues met, dance together as they keep kissing without a steady peace. Sometimes it’s slower, trying to taste each other, to let the other know what he doesn’t understand now, he just wants Jeongguk to know. Sometimes it’s rusher, like they can’t wait to have the other naked, like they’re hungry for each other. Sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming to not let his thoughts win, the last time he has done it, this time is different.

He needs to have Jeongguk for him, to feel loved by Jeongguk. To love him and to have him between his arms. Taehyung desperately needs and wants all of it.

“So what am I to you?” Jeongguk asks, pulling away from the kiss just to change the angle and starting to kiss him again, Taehyung’s lower lip between Jeongguk’s. They kiss, bite, suck. Taehyung will never get tired of kissing Jeongguk, of playing with his lip rings.

He will never get enough of Jeongguk.

“Everything you want to be,” Taehyung says, sliding the tank top out of Jeongguk’s body, his fingers moving along Jeongguk’s skin, sinking his nails into it. He stands up just to feel Jeongguk’s body heat to his, their chests touching. 

“What am I to you, Taehyung?”

And in Taehyung’s head, Jeongguk is a lot of things. Jeongguk is his best friend, his lover, his family. Jeongguk is the reason Taehyung is alive right now, Jeongguk is the reason Taehyung felt alive when he just wanted to be dead, Jeongguk is the reason why Taehyung pursued art, Jeongguk is the reason why Taehyung has so much to tell through his paintings. Jeongguk is his muse. The one he learned to love throughout all this years and the one he will always love.

“What are you to me?” Taehyung repeats, his eyes never leaving Jeongguk’s. The younger hums and Taehyung smiles, his heart trembling as he speaks. “You’re always going to be a canvas to me,”

Back then, Jeongguk was the one to ask Taehyung to use him like his canvas. But Taehyung never used Jeongguk to be his canvas, it just came naturally. For each other to paint on the other every emotion, every expression, every I love you’s, every smile, every encouraging words. Taehyung has Jeongguk’s fond eyes painted on his heart, their memories filling the walls of it with so many paintings their hands, lips, bodies, eyes and smiles created. One of his creations, the PLEASE LOVE ME tattoo, never fails to make his heart tremble. And then he remembers and he feels so sorry. He has blurry memories of what happened that day, doesn’t know what the fuck happened and what hasn’t, he’s scared to find out the truth but he still feels sorry about leaving. Even if that with Yoongi hadn’t happen, he would have still left. 

“I want you to be mine again,” Jeongguk whispers between his lips, never pulling away. Taehyung’s heart sinks, his hands aching to touch more of his body, his lips trembling between Jeongguk’s, his body tilting to feel more of his. 

“Yours?”

Jeongguk hums. “At least for tonight.”

“I’ve always been yours, Jeongguk.” Taehyung says as he pulls away, taking the necklace between his fingers, letting Jeongguk see the TJ pendants. He never once took it off.

Jeongguk is always with him.

“Do you wear it when you..” Jeongguk says, his eyes shifting between his necklace and his eyes. “Do you wear it when you’re with him or when you.. have sex with Seojoon?”

Taehyung smirks as his finger traces the lines of Jeongguk’s pecs, chest, abs. His face moving closer to Jeongguk’s, his upper lip between Taehyung’s lip. “I do.” He whispers, his eyes never leaving Jeongguk’s as he starts moving his lips along his. “I never take it off.”

“Good,” Jeongguk whispers as he keeps kissing him, his hands finding his way to Taehyung’s jeans, unbuttoning it and pulling his lamp down, his finger sliding the jeans down. Taehyung helps him and slides them down to his ankles and Jeongguk manhandles him like Taehyung’s a feather and his weight isn’t as heavy as it should for Jeongguk. 

His back is pressed to Jeongguk’s chest, Jeongguk’s lips painting his nape with his lips, his breathing hitting his skin when he talks. “I would love to ink your skin. To let you be my canvas this time around.”

Taehyung takes his lower lip between his teeth, sinking them into his flesh. “I would blindly trust you, you’re the tattoo artist here. Whatever you want to ink on me, I’d let you.”

“Yeah?”

Taehyung hums. “What would you like to ink on me?” He asks, his legs trembling as Jeongguk keeps him steady, the shape of his hardening cock between his cheeks, his naked chest pressing more and more to Taehyung’s back, Jeongguk’s hands on his hip, hardening the grip at every kiss he leaves on his nape. 

“A setting sun with its ocean upon your heart,” Jeongguk whispers in his ear as he leaves a kiss underneath it, “maybe a canvas on the back of your arm,” another kiss, this time to his neck, “and a blooming lotus flower,” Jeongguk says as he kisses his nape, letting his lips linger there for a bit. “Exactly here. For me to kiss every time.”

Taehyung’s chest yanks, his inside are in a storm of its own. He doesn’t know what to say or do, he feels like crying because Jeongguk remembers what Taehyung said when he confessed to him, but he’s currently horny because Jeongguk is pressing his fucking hard cock onto his ass, his deep voice as he talks makes his legs tremble.

“I’d let you. I want all of it.” Taehyung says, clearing his voice soon after. Now he’s the one who’s pressing his ass on Jeongguk’s cock, his own fully hard.

Jeongguk hums as he starts leaving wet kisses on Taehyung’s nape, his teeth sinking into it shortly after. His hands painting along Taehyung’s body, fingers tracing his lines. His skin erupts in goosebumps the moment he feels Jeongguk’s wet lips along his spine, he feels the fucker smile as he sees the effect he has on Taehyung. 

“Glad to know I can still make your body tremble with the bare minimum.”

Taehyung smirks and arches his back when Jeongguk keeps him steady with his hands, taking between his teeth the waistband of his underwear, sliding it off his body just like this.

And suddenly, Taehyung is fucking naked in front of his ex boyfriend, said ex boyfriend on his fucking knees behind him, said ex boyfriend’s lips pressing everywhere on Taehyung’s skin, said ex boyfriend’s tongue teasing him around his rim.

And.. what?

“Jeongguk what are y— Nng. Fuck.”

“You’ve been a good boy, haven’t you?”

Taehyung doesn’t know if he’s more fucked up because he’s going to have sex with his ex, cheating on his current partner with his ex, they way Jeongguk talks to him or because Jeongguk is fucking going to eat him out in this very moment. 

It will hurt both of them at the end, but Taehyung knows that this time is different. They’re going to be there for each other, without other parties coming in and speaking for them. They got better at communicating and he doesn’t lie anymore to Jeongguk, so he knows he can talk to him if it gets too overwhelming. Jeongguk knows, too.

It’s okay.

“Have I?”

Jeongguk hums against his rim. “You deserve a reward for it. Don’t you, pretty boy?”

And if Taehyung didn’t know for whatever reasons he’s fucked up more, he’d say that Jeongguk calling him good boy and pretty boy are the main reasons now.

Taehyung doesn’t realize Jeongguk’s back on his feet until the younger turns his shaking body towards him, attaching his lips to Taehyung’s. He kisses Jeongguk back immediately, his arms around his neck trying to bring the other closer to him, aching to feel him. To have him as close as possible, to not let his guiltiness make him crawl back to Jeongguk, to make it last, because to turn to a house where someone is expecting him doesn’t really excite Taehyung like it should. 

It is wrong to want your ex’s touch to last on your skin, he knows it. But he can’t help it. Doesn’t want to lie anymore. Not to Jeongguk, at least.

“Can I—”

“Yes.”

Taehyung chuckles, pulling away from the kiss and slapping Jeongguk’s chest and the younger looks genuinely confused and Taehyung has always loved this about Jeongguk, too. The pureness of his eyes, the sincerity they hold. The love they still hold for him. 

Jeongguk still looks at Taehyung like there’s nothing but love between them. Like their hearts are still tied to each other.

“What?”

“You didn’t even let me finish, Bun.”

“I said anything. You don’t have to ask. I’m doing whatever you want to do. It’s not only about me. It’s about you and us. Only for tonight. So. Anything.”

Taehyung looks at Jeongguk, fondly. “Only for tonight.” He whispers, his tongue licking over his lips, the lower one slightly trembling.

“I would give you forever if I could. But not right now. Maybe some years from now. Who knows.”

“And what if I fall in love with Seojoon?”

Jeongguk shrugs. “Then you do. I’m not holding you back. You deserve to know someone else’s love. It’s okay if you do.”

“What if you actually fall in love with Sohee?”

“Then I do. It’s not something we can control. Feelings. If we fall in love with someone else then so be it. It’s alright to know another kind of love before coming back to the one we crave.”

“And if we don’t? Come back to each other, I mean.”

Jeongguk smiles. “Look at us now. I’m presumably going to be a Dad soon and I’m cheating on their mother with the love I crave. You’re in a relationship with someone else and you still came back to the love you crave. We will, eventually.”

“I’m putting my trust in you.”

Jeongguk nods, smiling. He comes closer, his lips finding Taehyung’s, their lips dancing and painting upon each other their love. The love they crave. They are letting their lips speak for them because that’s the only thing they can do. Right now. 

Taehyung kisses him back, desperately. “You should get naked if you’re still on fucking me.”

Taehyung knows Jeongguk can feel the smirk on his lips because he gives one back, keeps kissing Taehyung like they never had to stop kissing one another. Like being separated almost three years ago doesn’t matter. Like they never did. Like Taehyung never left. Like Taehyung was there the moment Jeongguk got back home from tattooing his piece on his forearm. Like they’re still one.

Like Jeongguk is still his canvas and Taehyung is still the palette.

Sometimes Jeongguk was his palette, too. Well, most times if he has to be honest. Jeongguk gave him the life he thought he didn’t deserve. Jeongguk gave him the love Taehyung was sure he didn’t deserve. Jeongguk colored every single day with bright colors, never letting Taehyung see anything else if not colors. And when Taehyung thought life and love were black and white, Jeongguk was there to give him meaning, to give him color. To let Taehyung see the light, to help him out of the darkness.

He let Taehyung regain the color he’d lost. The life that was taken away from him. The youth that was taken away from him. 

“What are you waiting for, then? Shouldn’t you be the one to get me naked?”

Taehyung takes Jeongguk’s lower lip between his teeth before pulling away, he looks at Jeongguk and smirks.

“Why don’t you seat on that chair and let me do all the work, then?”

“Anything for you, darling.”

Jeongguk sits on the chair, legs spread wide and his eyes locked with Taehyung’s as he walks towards him. He nods to the door just once, “Is the door locked?”

“Don’t care. No one will come here, anyway. Seojoon is not here, like, in South Korea. Sohee doesn’t know you’re here with me, does she?”

“She does. You’re not a dirty secret to me.”

Taehyung nods and starts walking backwards until his back hits the door handle, his hand reaching back to the locker, locking them in the room. He never stops looking at Jeongguk as he walks towards him, stopping right in front of him, completely naked. He drops to his knees soon after, still looking at Jeongguk and he doesn’t miss the way his lips parts and his eyes widen.

His hands reaches Jeongguk’s sweatpants, he unties the knot and slips them down with his boxers, gulping down at the sight of Jeongguk’s fully hard cock.

His achingly hard, too.

“Missed it?”

Taehyung’s face reddens when he sees Jeongguk’s smirk, his hand coming closer to his lips, his thumb caressing over it. The pads of his thumb lingering upon Taehyung’s lower lip, his index finger resting under his chin as he keeps looking at him. 

Taehyung’s inside are on a storm of its own, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest as Jeongguk’s eyes shifts between his eyes and his lips. Lust, want and desire are written all over Jeongguk’s face and he’s sure he is just the same as him. 

Jeongguk’s thumb pats at his lower lip and Taehyung opens his mouth immediately, a whispered tell me if it‘s too much before all Taehyung knows is that he has Jeongguk’s thumb pressing in his mouth, his lips wrapping around it, starting to suck it soon after. His index finger still underneath his chin, caressing it time to time.

Their eyes never leave each other’s. And Taehyung makes sure to keep eye contact even when his lips are wrapped around his cock, Jeongguk moaning beautifully as Taehyung licks the length of his dick, the tip of it, when his hand squeeze his balls and the other comes up to wrap Jeongguk’s side.

He looks at him worriedly when he stops, asks why? did i do something to hurt you unintentionally? talk to me, Taehyung and he just smiles at him, smirks even, when Jeongguk takes his hand to not let him go.

He keeps eye contact as he falls on Jeongguk’s lap, their cocks touching the moment Taehyung’s bare ass comes in contact with Jeongguk’s bare thighs. He adjusts himself better over his legs, their cocks sliding together, both of them moaning at the friction. 

“Fuck— What do you want, darling?”

Taehyung smiles, he bends down to attach his lips on top of Jeongguk’s neck mole, leaving a wet kiss on it before starting to kiss his neck. He bites, not to leave love marks on him even if he wants to, but he reminds himself Jeongguk’s not mine anymore, so he’s careful not to let his teeth sink, not to suck on it, nothing. Even if he’s already full of his marks.

“Don’t hold yourself back, darling. It’s me who has to figure out what to tell to her, not you. And I said anything, Tae. I mean it.”

Jeongguk’s hands slides to his sides, brings him closer and then Taehyung bites, sinks his teeth on his flesh, sucks on it, leaves love marks behind as he finds a new spot to paint on. 

“What do you want, darling?” Jeongguk asks again and Taehyung doesn’t give an answer. He’s now looking at Jeongguk, the younger eyes’s still holding all the stars he hold back then when he looks at him and Taehyung likes to think he’s the same. That he, too, has stars in his eyes when he looks at Jeongguk. That Jeongguk can see it. 

Taehyung’s hands find their way to cup Jeongguk’s jaw, coming closer to him and bringing him closer to Taehyung to meet halfway, letting their lips create a painting of their own while their hands keeps painting over each other’s naked bodies, touching, caressing.

Taehyung will never get enough of it.

“I want to ride you. I want to feel you close. And— And. Umh. Yeah, that’s it.”

“Tell me, pretty boy. I said anything. I’ll do everything you want me to do.” 

Taehyung looks at him and caresses his face, smiles when Jeongguk’s lingers on his hand, his heart breaks when Jeongguk turns his face towards it and kisses his hand, the very same hand who dared to lend on his face almost three years ago.

And Taehyung doesn’t deserve it. 

“Maybe it’s safer if we use a condom.”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “Don’t want to. We’re both clean. It’s us.”

Taehyung nods. “But there are other people, Jeongguk. It’s not fair to them.”

Jeongguk chuckles, his eyes finding Taehyung’s. “A lot of things weren’t fair to me, to you and to us. So I don’t really care about Seojoon and Sohee right now. But I do care about us.”

And Jeongguk kisses him again, his hands all over Taehyung’s body and like it’s meant to be, his body starts moving along with Jeongguk’s, their cocks sliding together, Jeongguk’s hands squeezing his cheeks, parting them and teasing his finger around his rim. 

He doesn’t even understand how it happens but suddenly Jeongguk’s finger slips inside his hole and Taehyung moans right into his ear, his lips parting and grazing over Jeongguk’s lobe.

He keeps being loud just for Jeongguk to hear, he has never been this intimate with anyone other than him for obvious reasons, but Taehyung is glad to have someone who understands what he has been through and is so delicate and understanding with him.

Jeongguk keeps making sure Taehyung’s alright as he pushes his third finger in and he hisses at the stretch, not really realizing when he put the second one because he’s so fucked up that he still thinks about how guilty he feels about leaving, about not talking with Jeongguk sooner.

And he shouldn’t really have these type of thoughts while Jeongguk is fingering him.

He keeps moaning as Jeongguk pushes his fingers inside of him, his lips coming to wrap around his nipple, teasing it with his tongue first before sucking it.

Taehyung’s legs are shaking and Jeongguk puts his free hand on one of them, tries his best to soothe him while he works his way to make Taehyung more worked up like he already isn’t.

“Jeongguk— Nng. I’m ready, I am.”

Jeongguk nods, slipping his fingers out and Taehyung hisses at the burning sensation because the fucker fucking put his fingers in without any lubricant to ease the smoothness of the slip. When he looks at him and sees him worried, he asks him what it is? 

“Did I hurt you? I mean, I obviously forgot to ask you the lube because you’re so fucking hot and I don’t understand a fucking thing when you’re around me but, but did I?”

Taehyung smiles and leaves a kiss on the tip of his nose. Way too intimate for them given the situation they’re in, way too intimate.

“You didn’t.” Taehyung says, caressing his cheeks as he keeps leaving kisses over his face. “Can you fuck me now, please? You’ve been edging me a little too much.”

“You’re right, pretty boy. But I don’t really want to hurt you so, please, get the lube.”

Taehyung wants to tell him a lot of things. Like, you’re never going to hurt me, if anything i’m the one who could potentially hurt you, you don’t have to be afraid of hurting me, you’re not them. But he doesn’t, he stands up from Jeongguk’s lap and walks towards his bag and takes it, going back to Jeongguk’s lap, adjusting himself better, giving the lube to him.

Then it happens.

Jeongguk lubes up his fingers, puts them in Taehyung again as he gives the lube to him. The older moans as Jeongguk keeps fingering him, he squishes the lube on his hands and warms it up before he reaches out to Jeongguk’s cock and takes it, working his wrist up and down to lube him up. 

“Jeongguk, fuck — I need you in me now. I’m ready, I swear I am.”

Jeongguk nods, slips his fingers out of Taehyung’s hole and looks at him, leaning and giving him a kiss. Taehyung chases after his lips but Jeongguk pulls away.

“Have it your way, baby. Don’t hold back. I’m all yours for tonight.”

Taehyung nods and moans when Jeongguk sucks at his nipple, he pushes forward and hisses when Jeongguk takes his nipple between his teeth, Taehyung reaches behind him and takes Jeongguk’s cock with his hand aligning it to his entrance, moaning when he feels the tip of his cock and his eyes fucking wides because he had it in his mouth moment prior but he didn’t fucking noticed it or felt it.

“Is that — What the fuck — a fucking cock piercing, Jeongguk?” Taehyung asks as he sinks down Jeongguk’s cock, moans at the burning sensation he feels inside. His hands find their way behind Jeongguk’s neck, his hips making slow movements to adjust to his size. It isn’t necessarily too big, but surely Jeongguk’s cock is way more bigger than Seojoon’s or any others he sadly had, and he doesn’t remember feeling this full as of lately. 

“Were you too hungry for my cock to notice it when you had it in your mouth earlier?”

Taehyung hums as he starts fucking himself on top of Jeongguk, the younger hands on his hips helping his movement, both of them moaning together. “The only cock I will always be hungry for is yours, Jeong— Nngh. — Fuck.”

“That’s right, baby.” Jeongguk replies, his hands painting all over Taehyung’s body, sinks his nails into his flesh, grabs it, traces Taehyung’s spine with his pads, stopping once they find their place on Taehyung’s lower back, bringing him closer to him, letting Taehyung move his hips, guiding him with his hands.

Taehyung hides his face in the crook of Jeongguk’s neck, his face up so he moans directly into Jeongguk’s ear only for him to hear. The younger’s hands still on his lower back, helping him with the movement until he starts thrusting into him, his hips moving so confidently that Taehyung literally loses control over his hips, he tries to keep Jeongguk’s pace but he can’t.

This time he moans loudly, his lips still grazing against his ear, licking underneath it and biting his lobe. His lips pressing against Jeongguk’s neck next, leaving wet kisses all over it, reaching his collarbone to paint a love mark on it. 

“Fuck. Taehyung, oh my fucking god— Mmh. So good for me. You’re so good. Such a pretty and good boy, aren’t you?”

Taehyung loves the way Jeongguk keeps talking to him that way when he’s deep inside him, although disgusting man used to tell him something similar, he feels the difference.

He knows the pleasure is mutual, he knows Jeongguk is enjoying it as much as he does, he knows it’s consensual, he knows he asked for it, he knows Jeongguk always lets him have his way with sex until it’s Taehyung who wants him to take charge. 

He hums into Jeongguk’s neck, moans as he keeps leaving kisses on it but then Taehyung feels the cold of the piercing grazing on his prostrate and he fucking throws his head back, eyes closed and lips falling open as Jeongguk keeps hitting it with each thrust.

Jeongguk attaches his lips to his neck, painting all kind of love bites mark to it. He keeps one hand on his lower back, the one free takes Taehyung’s cock and strokes it as he keeps thrusting into him, their hips meeting as Taehyung sinks down on Jeongguk’s cock again and again, both of them panting and moaning as they both reach their climax, coming together. 

Or maybe Taehyung comes first. Or Jeongguk does. Or maybe they really came together.

“Don’t pull out yet. Please.”

Jeongguk nods as he leaves some kisses on Taehyung’s bare shoulder, his hands coming up to Jeongguk’s hair, tangling his fingers on it and when he puts his cheek on top of Jeongguk’s head, he notices a scar on Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“How did you get it?”

“Mmh?” Jeongguk says, leaving a last kiss on his chest as he moves his hands on Taehyung’s body, trying to soothe him. “What?”

One of Taehyung’s hands untangle from his head, his finger caressing the scar on Jeongguk’s shoulder. “This.”

Jeongguk becomes visibly rigid, Taehyung can literally feel it but he just shrugs. “I feel off the stairs when I was drunk I guess. Don’t remember.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not. I’m not lying, Taehyung.”

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung calls, leaving a kiss on his forehead before coming to look at his face. “I know you. And I know when you’re lying. You become rigid when you do, when you don’t want me to worry and it just makes me more anxious. How did you get this scar?”

“Do you, Taehyung?”

“What?”

“Know me. People change, hyung. It has been three years since we broke up, I’m not the same Jeongguk I used to be. Not the same one you left behind. I’ve changed, I’m more mature. I don’t get nervous so easily. I’m not scared anymore to sleep alone. I’m not scared of people leaving me, even if it might hurt me. I’m not a lot of things anymore. Don’t know if you still know me that well.”

Taehyung looks at him and his heart breaks because of course Jeongguk still resents him for leaving him behind. He knows Jeongguk understood why he did what he did, he knows Jeongguk knows that Taehyung hates himself for it. But he still blames him. 

And Taehyung can’t even hate him for that, because he has every right to blame him.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Jeongguk.” He says, trying to stand up so Jeongguk can slips out of him, and he does. Taehyung doesn’t know if the void he feels is in his asshole or in his heart.

“Wait. Let me clean you up, Taehyung.”

Taehyung shakes his head as he puts his underwear on, followed by his clothes. “I’m going home anyway. I’ll clean myself once I get into the shower. Umh. Thank you. I guess we’ll see each other at the exhibition. You can send the last things you’re working on to me as soon as you finish.” He says and takes his computer and all the paperwork he wishes to not have to organize because it’s gonna take a bit of time and he needs the get away from here.

“Taehyung.”

“You should get going. Sohee might be wondering why you’re taking so long. Go home to your family, Jeongguk.”

“You’re always so fucking final about us, do you fucking acknowledge that?”

“I told you it was the last time.”

“My family is not Sohee, Taehyung. You know damn well she isn’t.”

“She’s expecting your child. She is. She should be.”

“Don’t.”

“I’m only stating facts. I’m sorry if I was a mistake for you tonight. I shouldn’t have asked. I do a lot of wrong things, apparently. Ask lot of wrong questions, too. I’m not that entitled, am I?”

“Taehyung.”

“No, Jeongguk. Look, you’re right. I don’t know you anymore, I wasn’t there when you needed me the most, I left you behind because I was ashamed and I hated what I did to you, I left well aware I would break your heart but I did anyway when I promised you I would never do that. I can’t keep promises, right? You told me that at your birthday two years ago, I’m not good at keeping my words. I do a lot of things wrong. Making you fall in love with me might be the worst because now I want you all to myself while you’re fucking expecting a child from someone else, I’m in a relationship with someone just because I don’t want to be alone. Thought it was a good idea to feel something with a different person but when I nearly lost you I understood I’ll never love anyone again. Never again, Jeongguk. Because I can’t love anyone else if not you. But you can’t give me it right now and I respect it. I can’t separate you from your child’s mother. I just hope—”

“I’m thinking about proposing to Sohee. That’s why I slept with you. Because it is the last time we’re coming back to each other.”

Taehyung’s heart fucking breaks into millions pieces and he doesn’t want to, but his eyes are full of tears as he looks at Jeongguk, they fall into his cheeks without any control and Taehyung can’t do anything. 

He hates the hope that has been lingering on his heart all day. Being able to laugh with Jeongguk, to make him smile, to have him this close. For Taehyung it was real. He doesn’t know why things escalated too much and he doesn’t know if Jeongguk really means it. If he really is going to propose to her.

After all he doesn’t know him anymore.

“Congratulations, Jeongguk.” Taehyung says, he wipes his tears and tries to smile at him. “But do me a favor. Don’t invite me to your wedding. I don’t think I can witness losing you for good.”

Jeongguk doesn’t answer so Taehyung puts everything on his bag and leaves, again.

Because maybe that’s what Taehyung will always be good at.

Leaving.

Because he’s a fucking coward. 

—

He returns to Seojoon’s house and falls to his knees as soon as he steps in, cries his heart out until the tears stop falling, until he feels numb. He stands up then, goes to the bathroom and even if he doesn’t want to, because he wants Jeongguk’s touch to linger just a little bit longer, he washes himself and cries some more.

He dries his hair and puts some comfortable clothes on, tries to cover up the marks Jeongguk left. Well. It’s not like Taehyung didn’t expect it. He was the one to tell Jeongguk he wanted to have sex with him and it’s alright. He just didn’t expect him to mark his neck like that. 

He’s glad Seojoon’s not in South Korea right now, but he’s not sure they’ll fade away before he comes home.

Being in South Korea after so long excites him, really. He’s not afraid anymore of running into Dohyung or Jaehyun. The Judge run in his favor, his Dad assured him they’re going to be behind bars for a long time so he doesn’t care anymore.

It’s in the past and he’s going on. Doesn’t feel ashamed anymore for what happened because Taehyung is not his past. 

Taehyung tries to cover up the fact that he cried, because he knows Jimin is gonna notice and he doesn’t want to explain what happened. Can’t blame Jeongguk for breaking his heart when he did the same thing three years ago.

He leaves the house, enters the car and sighs. He feels the urge to cry but suddenly his phone goes off and when he looks at it, he sees Seojoon’s name on the display. He’s face-timing him and he’s fucking glad he has his neck covered with his clothes and make up now. 

He accepts the calls and smiles. “Hi.”

“Hi, baby.” Seojoon says, a smile so big in his face Taehyung wonders if it’s genuine. After the scene he made in front of his friends Taehyung sat him down and told him he didn’t like how bad Seojoon would treat him sometimes, how he treated his friends, Jeongguk, how he would downplay his feelings or his past relationship. He told him a bit of what happened with Jaehyun just to make him understand he didn’t want anything like that and he’s glad Seojoon has been working on it. He’s still a bit jealous of Jeongguk but it’s a lot less than before. “Are you tired?”

Taehyung hums. “Mmh. A bit. How’s the shooting going?” He asks, smiles at him when Seojoon does. 

“It’s going good. There are still five to six episodes to shoot so I don’t know when I’ll be back. Wish you were here.”

And for the first time, Taehyung doesn’t lie. Doesn’t hide when tears start streaming down his face. “I wish I was there, too.”

“Did something happen?”

He shakes his head. “Miss you. And I guess the exhibition is exhausting me.”

Seojoon’s face softens and smiles at him. “Miss you too, love. And I’m sure the exhibition is going to go so well. Because you’re so cool and that’s so sexy. You don’t even know how much proud of you I am.”

Taehyung genuinely smiles as he looks at Seojoon. Wonders what if i really end up falling for him. Taehyung doesn’t think it will hurt to have someone else to love, he just wants to take things slowly because being this emotionally drained is no good for him.

“Yeah?”

“Mmh. I’m proud of you, baby.”

Taehyung smiles and thanks him, asks about his day, how is he doing, what he has to film next, how many more scene he has left. Things like that.

“How is it working with Jeongguk? Are you guys on good terms?”

Taehyung sighs and lowers his gaze, closing his eyes before answering. “Yeah. But I don’t really wanna talk about him when we have different times zones and can’t always talk. I want to talk about you.”

Seojoon apologizes and Taehyung does too, because it isn’t right coming from him to take his anger out on him. 

“I have to go now, baby. Text me when you get home, alright? I love you.”

Taehyung nods and smiles, tries to say i love you, too but words don’t come out his mouth and Seojoon respects it, told him anyone has their own time to fall in love again. He did because his heart didn’t belong to anyone, said he understands him for not being able to love him back this quickly. That he will wait for him to say it back.

Once he hangs up he kind of feels bad for cheating on him, seeing how it ended between him and Jeongguk but he can’t bring himself to regret it. 

He starts the engine before he can start crying again and goes to the location Jimin sent him.

“Looks like someone had fun,” Jimin says as soon as he spots him and Taehyung can’t really deny it, he knows the marks are still visible so he just shrugs.

“I was tired of faking it.”

Jimin chuckles and hugs Taehyung, caressing his back because he knows he can feel him trembling. 

He hasn’t talked with Yoongi in so long. Sure, they saw each others a lot because he and Jimin met a lot, it’s like a package deal. Where is Jimin is Yoongi and vice versa, but they, as in Yoongi and Taehyung, never talked with the other alone. 

Taehyung hugs him back, letting Jimin sway their bodies together. “Don’t be too hard on him, please. We have something to tell you.”

Taehyung sighs and nods, sitting across them once Jimin sits down next to Yoongi. 

“Shall we order something first?” Yoongi asks and Taehyung doesn’t really want to, he just wants to get it done and go home to sleep. But Yoongi is looking at him tentatively, he’s trying and who is Taehyung to say no when he’s the one who keeps making mistakes?

“Yeah, sure. I’ll take a beer.”

Jimin’s eyes are worried, he can tell. And Taehyung avoiding his gaze is only telling Jimin that something is wrong indeed, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to think about it, to think about his heart breaking and Jeongguk’s eyes so hurt. 

He knows Jeongguk wanted to hurt him with what he said, he knows. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less, because he gave himself to him knowing damn well he would be hurt by the end of it, but Jeongguk hurt him intentionally. He told him all about how they were going to go back to each other one day just to end up hurting him by telling him he’s going to propose to Sohee. 

And that’s fair. Because she’s expecting his child. But still.

“Did you cheat on Seojoon with Jeongguk?”

Jimin’s gaze is hard on him and Taehyung doesn’t know what to do or say, he feels naked. Jimin has that kind of power to him. As soon as Jimin looked at Taehyung he knew something was wrong and he hates how well Jimin can see through him.

“Did you, Taehyung?”

Taehyung snaps at him even if he doesn’t want to, even if it hurts to take is anger out on him. “So what if I did, Jimin? Wanted Jeongguk to fuck you to remember the good old days when you fucked him behind my back?”

Both of them have tears in their eyes but none of them say anything else for a while. They keep looking at each other until Jimin speaks and lower his gaze as he does.

“It was wrong coming from me and I know, Taehyung. I fucking know it. But I’m not going to regret it just because you’re being a bitch about it. Want to know the truth, huh?” Jimin asks, his voice trembles as he speaks and Taehyung fucking hates himself the more he knows. “I was always ten steps behind you, everyone cared so much about you in the past that it killed me inside. Because I, too, just wanted someone to notice how bad I was doing. Yoongi was always with you and even if he had feelings for me, I convinced myself that he would never look at me the way he looked at you. Because you were always ten steps ahead of me, everyone seemed to fall in love with you and it made me jealous. When Yoongi came with you to Daegu, I was the one who stood by Jeongguk’s side. And for the first time, because you weren’t around, it felt like someone was considering me, too. That’s how I began to develop feelings for him but then? He always fucking talked about you, always found ways of saying your fucking name and it made me feel less. Because my parents never cared about me for who I was, for who I am. One cared about my grades, the other cared about my sexuality and beat me up for that. I convinced myself Yoongi was in love with you and when Jeongguk kissed me that night it felt like finally someone was caring for me. All I ever wanted was a bit of attention and Jeongguk wanted the same thing at that time. That’s what we gave to each other. Attention and comfort. So excuse me if I tried to not care about you for once in my life.”

Taehyung feels like someone just ripped his fucking heart with bare hands, throw it on the floor and stepped on it with full force. His chest hurts and he fucking hates how he is guilty of so many things. 

Things he wasn’t even aware of.

“Why would — Jimin. I— Min. Why didn’t you tell me about it? Did you suffer this much because of me? I’m sorry, hyung, I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t—”

Jimin shakes his head. “Don’t pull the hyung card now. I’m glad to know that’s what you think about me but we aren’t here to talk about me. Yoongi has to tell you something.”

“I don’t —”

“Let Yoongi talk. I can’t even look at you right know and I just want to go home.”

“I slept with Jeongguk because I missed him. I wanted to feel appreciated and he was the only one who could make me feel that way. By the end of it he told me he wants to propose to Sohee. He’s thinking about it. That’s why I’m in a bad mood. I’m sorry, Min.”

“I understand that, Tae. But you can’t take your anger out on him.” Yoongi says as he thanks the waitress for bringing their orders, placing his hand on Jimin’s. 

Taehyung takes his head in his hands and tries not to cry, he really does. But to know Jimin always felt less because of him in ways he can’t explain or comprehend.

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really, sorry.”

Jimin sighs and nods, trying his best to look at Taehyung, even if he doesn’t. “I’m sorry, too. But you can’t just say shit to me because you’re mad at him.”

Taehyung nods and wipes his tears, takes his beer and drinks half of it in one go. He can’t look at Jimin and it hurts because Jimin, too, can’t look at him. 

“Taehyung,” Yoongi starts, takes a deep breath and continues. “I need to be honest about what happened and I’m sorry if I lied to you — all of you at that time. But I thought it was better if all of you would feel hatred towards me. Thought you all were better off without me.”

Taehyung looks at Yoongi and knots his brows, asks him lied about what? and doesn’t miss the way Yoongi’s hands tremble, the way Jimin starts caressing his back, trying to calm him down. “I’m listening to you, hyung.”

Yoongi nods and tries to give a smile to Jimin, doesn’t meet his gaze but Taehyung looks at him, waits for him.

“Firstly, I want to apologize to you for making you believe it really happened between us. It was wrong of me to lie to you about that,” Yoongi says nervously, taking a sip of water before keeping going. “It’s okay if after that you won’t believe me either, but I have proofs of what happened and I’m going to show them to you. Just tell me if you feel comfortable talking about it and seeing it.”

Taehyung knew sooner or later they had to talk about it. He knows. And he wants to know the truth because he doesn’t remember anything at all about it, doesn’t know if what his mind tells him is the truth or not. He just remembers waking up between Yoongi’s arms and fragments of what happened, just a blurred face and a body who he is sure doesn’t belong to Yoongi.

Yoongi doesn’t have tattoos on his hand.

So, he nods, tells him, “I don’t remember much. When I woke up and you were next to me I really thought you — That it was you. Sometimes I have nightmares about that day but all I can remember is a body that was nothing like yours and a tattooed hand.”

Yoongi nods. Explains everything that happened that day, shows him fucking footage of Jaehyun trying to abuse him and Yoongi coming in before that could happen and by the time he ends to explain and shows him everything he needs to, Taehyung is a fucking mess. He’s shaking and crying and the moment Jimin reaches out to take his hand, Taehyung cries harder.

“I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m—”

Yoongi shakes his head and takes his free hand, his thumb caressing the back of his hand and Taehyung, once again, doesn’t feel like he deserves the love his friends are giving him.

Even when Taehyung keeps hurting them, they’re always there to shower Taehyung with endless love and support.

“No, Tae. The one who’s sorry is me. I played a huge part on letting you decide to leave and break up with Jeongguk, I’m the one at fault and nothing you can say is gonna change my mind. I’m going to talk to him too because he needs to know the truth, but don’t blame yourself. It’s my fault. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“Thank you, hyung. For coming to me and telling me the truth. I was fucking afraid I had lost you for good and I can’t. I can’t lose anymore people, you,” He says taking Yoongi’s hand, “And you,” this time he takes Jimin’s hand who intertwines their fingers, “Are my family. If I hadn’t had you I’m not sure I could be here talking with you now. You all are everything to me. I can’t lose any of you. Losing Jeongguk is already way too much for me to handle, I can’t and I won’t lose any of my people.”

Jimin stands up and comes closer to Taehyung, his hands taking his face, his fingers wiping his tears, exactly like when they were children. “You won’t lose us. And with us I mean Jeongguk, too. He loves you way too much to ask Sohee to marry him, you know he said it just to hurt you because having sex after so long must have been so overwhelming for both of you. Don’t take it to heart, yeah? Eventually, you’ll find your way back to each other someday.”

Eventually.

Taehyung hopes so, too.

—

It hasn’t ever occurred to Jeongguk that he would need help to heal. He knows it has been three fucked up years, he’s aware of it. But it hit him all at once, in full force at that,  that he hasn’t been doing well all this time.

The non-spoken-about break up, his addiction with drugs and alcohol that came after it, him trying to get comfort in Jimin, hurting himself, Jimin, Taehyung and Yoongi in between, him breaking down when Jimin rightfully put a stop to what they were doing, Yoongi telling him about the abuse, Yoongi telling him how much hatred he has always felt towards him, the way Jeongguk felt guilty for coming to Seoul with Taehyung and Jimin, how he felt guilty of bereave Yoongi of their friends’s love and affection. 

The overdose. All the truth of the pain that has been hidden behind Taehyung’s eyes all this time, Jeongguk letting him go, Jeongguk hating himself for doing so because at the end of the day, he has done what Taehyung feared the most. 

Jeongguk let him go once Taehyung told him the truth. But not because Jeongguk was ashamed of him, he would never pity or be ashamed of Taehyung. He felt like the right choice was to let Taehyung go because Jeongguk couldn’t give him what he wanted. 

It’s not like Jeongguk stopped loving Taehyung. Of course not, he could never even if he tried to. And he did. He did try to forget Taehyung, to stop loving him. But it seemed like love could become an addiction for Jeongguk, like not being with Taehyung could deprive himself from being loved.

Jeongguk couldn’t give Taehyung his love at that time. He couldn’t. Because it would mean trapping Taehyung into a relationship that wouldn’t look like the one they had in the past. It would look like something in which Jeongguk couldn’t really recognize himself. 

That’s why he let him go. To prevent himself from becoming someone he despises, to prevent himself from becoming someone Taehyung could never love. To prevent himself from hurting Taehyung in ways he could never forgive himself for.

It hurt. To hear Taehyung say someone else made his heart flutter for the first time after breaking up with him. He was glad Taehyung could escape the relationship he had with Jaehyun, but to hear he found someone who could make him feel something? It fucking ripped his heart apart. 

He has been awake for quite sometime, but he heard Mingyu talking with Taehyung over the phone so he tried his very best to make it look like he regained consciousness ten minutes before Taehyung came. He tried to hate him the very moment he heard him talking. But then his mother came in, all her anger shoved at Taehyung’s face like it was his fault that Jeongguk was laying in a hospital bed because of an overdose. 

He heard his mother talking about not downplaying his pain just because Taehyung’s one was heavier, that she didn’t want him to come near her child ever again. And Jeongguk understands his mother’s feelings, she was just afraid of losing him and he knows Taehyung knows. Because he didn’t bounce back, he took all the hurtful words his mother was throwing at him, saying she was right about yelling at him.

Jeongguk hasn’t felt like it was right. That’s why he called his mother, letting them know he was awake and had been listening to what they were saying. 

Hearing and listening what Taehyung told him hasn’t been easy. He doesn’t know what it feels like to be silenced, to make decisions you don’t want to just to save the ones you love, to not have the right of choosing, to not being able to talk about it because you fear being judged, pitied or perceived as something you aren’t. But he knows what it feels like to have someone punching you, has been going on and about letting other lend their dirty hands on him, has been the one landing punches.

But he can understand Taehyung when he talks about being beaten up by his stepfather. Jaehyun, too. If he wasn’t high and drunk the day they came to visit him in his fucking apartment, Jeongguk is sure he would’ve responded to that. 

Sanghun reached out to him one day. Some months after he overdosed. After Jaehyun and Dohyung came to his house. He told him he knew they went to him since he was monitoring every step they were taking. He asked Jeongguk to tell him exactly what happened with them and he told him what he remembered.

About his stepfather trying to force Jeongguk into telling him where Taehyung was, about Jaehyun pointing a fucking gun to his head, about them punching him and leaving him with a scar on his bare shoulder (Jaehyun’s courtesy). Fortunately he had CCTV footage of what happened and sent it to Sanghun right away when he asked him to. 

Sanghun asked Jeongguk if he knew something else that could help him and Taehyung with the trail and Jeongguk told him that one time almost seven years ago when Jaehyun abused Taehyung and his friends filmed all of it. He told him he’s sure they kept the footage so he should try to confiscate it to be one hundred percent sure. 

Then, Sanghun asked him if he ever witnessed something that happened when he came with his mother to Paris. 

Jeongguk’s heart clenched as he told Sanghun he witnessed Jaehyun threatening Taehyung with a knife pointed to his neck, that he saw blood coming from Taehyung’s throat and how he has a little scar in the same spot the knife was in. He told him he didn’t know if there were footages of it but implored him to trust him, that it was true. That he was the one who disinfected the cut. That he wasn’t high at all when he came to Paris, that he was sure of what he saw.

Some days later Sanghun told him he found evidence of all of it and Jeongguk felt at ease. 

Before hanging up, he asked Sanghun to not tell Taehyung about the two of them talking, about Jeongguk’s statements. Sanghun promised him not to and what broke his heart was what Sanghun told him before hanging up.

“Thank you for giving my son your love. It saved him more than you can even imagine.”

And then, months later, his heart felt at ease.

kim sanghun:
We won the case. Thank you for being part of it, Jeongguk. I’m eternally grateful to you.
Let’s meet soon! 

—

After being in rehab for some months, he couldn’t say he was doing fine. Or well. He was, but he wasn’t strong enough to throw away what he still had. He tried to not let his mother found out, but he started doing drugs again. Sometimes Jeongguk acted selfish, the first months of life of his sister passed in a blur, he doesn’t remember much of it. He didn’t even want to see her and he fucking hates himself for it now. 

Dahye suspected something and suggested him to go to therapy. She pleaded him to try, to see how it went. Telling him he couldn’t go on like that. That he need to find his will of living again.

Jeongguk knows he was doing good. He knows, because Saki has been praising him for how good and fast he was recovering. But then something triggered him one day, when he was talking about Taehyung to her. He told Saki how he tried to save the relationship more times than he could count, how he always forgave Taehyung when something went wrong between them.

He told her how that one time Taehyung was the one to use violence against him.

“What do you mean when you say violence, Jeongguk?” Saki asked, keeping her voice quiet just because Jeongguk told her he didn’t want to talk and throw a tantrum at her.

He’s thankful to her, really. At first it had been funny to see her in front of him in a more serious situation. The first time he met Saki was in a club, they flirted, drank together, kissed a lot and then he brought her home. 

He chuckled when he saw she was his therapist, Saki’s cheeks red when she welcomed him in.

“It got physical one time. We were fighting, twisting the knife where we knew we could hurt the other the most. But I had said something I shouldn’t have and he got angry. It started with a shove but things escalated quickly and he ended up beating me up. Well not really. He hit me across the face more than once. He just split my lips though.”

“What do you mean by saying just, Jeongguk? Are you justifying his behavior?”

“I—”

“Yes, Jeongguk. You’re doing it and it’s not exactly fair to you. I know that what he went through is atrocious to say the least, but you ended up suffering because of it. Your pain is just as valid as his’s. You ending in a bad place is just a consequence of what happened to you as a couple. We can’t measure both your pains just to see who suffered more because it’s clear that it fucked up both of you. But don’t justify what he did, don’t try to see the good side of his action. I know he probably didn’t mean to do it, but he did anyway, didn’t he? Don’t blame yourself for his wrongdoings, Jeongguk.”

“I— He. Noona, he’s not a bad person, he’s not. He just grew up in an environment where love wasn’t really something he received. He grew up seeing his stepfather beating up his mother, he doesn’t know anything different. He.. avoided me once it happened.”

“Mhmh. Because he felt guilty about hurting the one who showed him love for the first time. You said it yourself, he didn’t grow up with love surrounding him and my heart aches for him, Jeongguk. But he used violence against you, that could be potentially worse than what it was. If someone reported him for domestic violence, what would’ve happened? I understand how much you loved, or still love, him. I do. But admitting he was wrong doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore, do you understand what I mean?”

And Jeongguk does. But domestic violence? Taehyung has never been aggressive to him, sure, sometimes he yelled at him but never did Taehyung try to downplay him or his emotions, he never went physical if not that one time. For fuck’s sake, he ignored Jeongguk for two months after it. Leaving him after one month where Taehyung apologizing every day for being just like his stepfather. 

“I do. And I know what he did it’s wrong, I do. But I don’t feel like blaming him for that.”

Saki smiles at him, shaking his head. “Your heart is way too pure for thinking badly about him but I need you to realize that admitting and accepting that what he did was bad, isn’t going to stop your heart from calling his name. He avoided you exactly because he needed to come to terms to what he did to you because he knew it was bad. You said it yourself, Jeongguk,” Saki says, taking off her glasses and putting them on top of her head. “He grew up thinking that beating comes with love. That’s all he was taught, right? But he knows how to love because you gave him the chance to learn what real love is. That’s why, Jeongguk, thinking he didn’t know any better at that time is wrong. Because he did and he choose to use violence against you. Even if he regrets it to this day, he did it. And you have to come to terms with it.”

The next meeting with Saki went slightly better, she wanted him to say what he thought about the last time they talked, to see if Jeongguk made any progress. She told him she was proud of him for admitting that what Taehyung did was wrong and Jeongguk isn’t guilty of it.

Then, they talk about the meeting Jeongguk had with Jaehyun and Taehyung’s stepfather, he tells her how he doesn’t really remember much of it but he saw the footage and it wasn’t exactly bad but at the same time it was because he had a fucking gun pointed to his head. They beat him up, physically and emotionally. 

Somehow Dohyung knew about his father never showing up and decided to twist the knife, telling him no one would want him as their child and that he did the right thing, threatened him to tell them where Taehyung was when he had no clue, and even if he did, he could never tell them that. Jaehyun then pointed the gun to his head, threatening him with that but Jeongguk didn’t talk, footage showing how Jaehyun hit him in the head with the gun, both of them beating him up, the gun shooting at his shoulder.

“You know what Dohyung said about him is not true, right?”

“I can’t know that, Noona. He left my mother while she was pregnant and struggling to just keep living. It’s a fact he didn’t want me.”

Saki takes his hands, caresses them. “Want to know why I decided to study to become a therapist?”

Jeongguk looks at her and nods, shifts his attention to their hands and Jeongguk truly craves attention, someone who could touch him without being scared of doing so, he searched everywhere to have someone who could and it’s not really appropriate to think about that with her when he’s trying to work on himself. 

But she’s caressing his hands like she wants the same thing and Jeongguk wouldn’t be too opposed to having a good time with her, again.

“My mother was pregnant with me when my father left her. My sister talks about him like he’s the greatest man she ever knew, because she had him while growing up. He thought my mother cheated on him because he didn’t remember having sex with her when she had me in her womb, so he assumed she cheated and left her. But while growing up, she found her true love, Jeongguk. I had him as my father figure and I wouldn’t trade him with anyone in the world. Even if my real father ends up showing up, I wouldn’t want to meet him, because he didn’t want me. So I realized if he wanted to be there for me, he could. He chose not to, and I chose I wouldn’t spend my life and time trying to find him. Because just like him, I don’t want to. That’s why I became a therapist, because I knew someone would be living my same fate and I wanted them to realize that you shouldn’t be expecting anything from someone you don’t even know. I understand wondering about the what ifs, but they didn’t, and probably still don’t, Jeongguk. So why would we?”

And Jeongguk thinks that she’s so fucking right, he shouldn’t be thinking about someone who didn’t even care about him. Jeongguk doesn’t know what is his father’s face, he doesn’t know Jeongguk’s face. So fuck it, not having him doesn’t even hurts him as it should. Because just like Saki, he had a father figure growing up and that’s what a Dad is to him.

Jungsik is Jeongguk’s Dad. That’s it.

“He’s not right about telling you that no one would want you as their child. If anything, Jungsik is the luckiest man alive to have you as his son.”

They do end up having a good time together, though.

—

Jeongguk and Saki met outside her office to have some drinks, to talk about anything and nothing at all. He enjoys her company and she’s helping him a lot, so having this sort of thing going on is doing some good to him.

The next talk they have is on Saki’s bedroom, they’re both naked and she’s caressing his hair when she asks about it.

“Want to talk about the first time you overdosed? What make you so desperate to do it?”

Jeongguk closes his eyes as he hides his face in the crook of her neck, leaves a kiss on the mole she has on it before speaking.

“It was the first time since I had eight years old that I wanted to die. To be dead. My heart was my own burden and I couldn’t really carry it anymore. I wanted it to be lighter. The only thing that came to mind was to cause my own death.”

“Why would you think that?” Saki asks, her lips grazing over his forehead, giving him a kiss on it before putting her index finger underneath his chin, their eyes locking as she caresses his cheek with her thumb. 

Jeongguk leans in and kisses her, not because he wants to do something but to  seek comfort from her, that’s it. 

“It had been a year since Taehyung left me. He was already in a relationship but at that time I didn’t know it was abusive. I was in a bad place mentally because I had the trauma of being abandoned. My father did, my mom did too, partially. So when he left I felt like my whole world crumbled apart. Then Yoongi told me Taehyung cheated on me with him and so I started doing drugs without anyone knowing. When I went to him I realized how bad he was doing and I couldn’t really comprehend what was happening, I played it cool but it hurt to see him like this. Then I added alcohol, sometimes I would drink so much while being high that I couldn’t really remember most of the days. I had this thing with Jimin but I was getting emotionally attached to it, not like I was falling in love, but I convinced myself we could be something? So when he told me he didn’t want to continue and wanted to leave, I felt like he was going to abandon me. Like he was another one doing so, you know?” He says, his eyes too coward to look at her, he feels more naked than he already is but she makes it so easy to not feel judged, so he shifts his gaze and locks their eyes. She nods at him, gives him a kiss on his lips and waits until he wants to talk again.

“Suddenly Yoongi contacted me one day and asked me to meet up because he had something to tell me. So I agreed, hoped we could solve things out. But he ended up telling me that Taehyung didn’t cheat on me because he abused him, so that really wasn’t consensual and to not blame Taehyung, that it was his fault. When I realized he was talking about sex I felt like dying because I suspected something was wrong with the topic but never asked him anything. Then Yoongi told me I ruined his life, that because of me all of his friends turned their back at him because when I came into the picture everyone had their attention revolving around me and he attempted because of me. That was my last straw. Knowing someone so important to me attempted to— risked his life because of me, it broke me into pieces. All things combined led me to want to die. I tried to the morning after meeting with him.”

“That’s a lot, Jeongguk. And I’m proud of you for being this brave. I’m sure it hurt you a lot, back then. Maybe it still hurts. But you’re healing, Jeongguk. Maybe we could try and stop with our meetings?”

“Am I really? Healing, I mean.”

Saki smiles at him and nods, “You may not see it, but I can and you were so scared back then, even to say why you came.”

“I don’t want to stop seeing you, though.”

They eventually did. Stop seeing each other. Met some other times when he didn’t really know what was that he and Sohee had. She stopped replying one day and sometimes, just sometimes, Jeongguk misses her.

All he went through with Sohee almost made him want to reach out to Saki again, but he wasn’t sure he could go to her without wanting something more. Something real. 

Because she was the only one, Jeongguk thinks, that could make him forget Taehyung.

But is it what Jeongguk really want(s)ed?

—

It hurt. To tell Taehyung he is thinking about proposing to Sohee, because he’s not. He doesn’t want to, he’s not interested in building up something that’s going to be destroyed soon enough. 

He acted that way because.. It scared him. The genuine concern painted in his eyes when he asked about the scar he has on his shoulder, doesn’t really want Taehyung to know it because he fucking knows he’s going to blame himself for it even though he couldn’t know. He couldn’t have done anything to prevent it.

And Jeongguk doesn’t regret being beaten up because they thought he was lying. He really didn’t know where Taehyung was and it meant he was safe if they had to come to Jeongguk to know where he was. 

He comes back to his apartment, closes the door behind his back and goes straight to the kitchen. He opes the fridge door and takes a bottle of soju, opening it and drowning half of it in one go. Then he puts it on the table, “Sohee?” he calls, goes to all the rooms of his apartment but she’s not there. 

He takes his phone and texts her.

jeongguk:
i just got home
you alright?

She replies back within seconds.

sohee:
thank you for letting me know
and i’m sorry

Jeongguk’s brows furrows.

jeongguk:
for what?

sohee:
i made you suffer a lot, haven’t i?
i’ve been so controlling and shit when i’m not like this. i hurt you intentionally, i downplayed you when you’ve been nothing but the sweetest pure soul i’ve ever met. no one ever treated me like you do, not even my ex girlfriend.. i guess i just got scared of myself. i’m seeing someone who can help me and i promise you i’ll get better. i don’t want to lose you.
can you just be honest with me, tho?
did you sleep with him?

jeongguk:
i’m proud of you noona
let’s talk in person, alright? i’ll wait for you

sohee:
alright 

Jeongguk sighs and puts his phone on the bedside table, puts it to charge and goes to take a shower. He doesn’t know how much time he spends there, he just wants to talk about everything and wants her do admit she’s not pregnant. 

Of course she gave him a pregnancy test, that’s why he believed her. But every time she said she was going to the hospital, she never asked him to go with her. Of course he would’ve liked to go with her to get an ultrasound, to see their baby. So many odds things adding up that Jeongguk doesn’t really get, doesn’t understand how can she be at her fifth month without having a baby bump growing. 

He has just finished putting his clothes on when he hears his doorbell ringing, so he takes a towel to dump dry his hair and goes straight to the doorway and opens the door. Smiles at her when she looks at him.

“Hi,” Jeongguk says, keeps smiling as he lets her enter the apartment. “Did you have dinner?”

Sohee shakes his head as she takes the coat off, Jeongguk takes it and puts it aside, comes closer to her and circles her waist with both his arms. Sohee is rigid once Jeongguk’s hugs her, tries not to look too awkward so she hugs him back, gives a kiss on his jawline and lets Jeongguk feel her smile on it. 

“I didn’t go to grocery shopping today so I don’t really have much here but are you fine with ramyeon and some side dishes?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

She’s a lot calmer than he anticipated, she clings tightly to him as he walks around the kitchen to get some food done. “Missed me this much?” He chuckles as he turns around, he’s waiting for the water to boil anyway and most of side dishes are in the fridge, so he doesn’t have to do much.

Sohee nods. “Mmh. I haven’t seen you in a week.” She says and she can clearly see the marks on his neck but doesn’t comment on it. She’s standing on her tiptoes when she leans and lets their lips connect in a kiss and it never felt more wrong to kiss her than this time. 

And not because she’s presumably expecting his child, but because he has kissed Taehyung before her. It feels wrong towards him, not her. And Jeongguk is kind of an asshole for thinking that way, isn’t he?

He pulls away almost immediately, smiles at her as he caresses her cheek. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy with Taehyung’s exhibition that I forgot about everything else. I’m sorry.”

“Well,” Sohee chuckles, her eyes are sad. “Forgetting about your girlfriend and your child is kinda sad but yeah, I understand.”

Jeongguk whispers a sorry, gives a kiss on her forehead and puts the ramyeon in the now boiling water. “Is everything alright with the baby?”

Sohee gulps and nods, “Yeah.. Yeah. They’re growing up healthy. No anomalies as of now.”  

Jeongguk hums and doesn’t question why she keeps talking of their child in third person, she told him it is a surprise what gender their baby is, but Jeongguk fears the one who will get surprised by the end of the night is her.

“Next time you’re going to the hospital I’m going with you. Can I?”

“Y-Yeah. Yeah. Of course.”

This time is Jeongguk who leans forward to leave a kiss on her lips and smiles at her, opening the fridge’s door and putting out some veggies to add to the ramyeon, kimchi prepared by his mom and some seasoned spinach, he puts them on their respective dishes and brings them to the table, Sohee still clinging to him.

After everything’s ready, he puts the bowls with ramyeon on the table and Sohee asks if she can sit on his lap while eating, wants him close to her and he nods, doesn’t deny her anything because he can tell she’s needy and something’s wrong.

They actually talk and laugh a lot while eating, catch up to everything that has been going on the week they weren’t able to see each other. Jeongguk is impressed by the fact that they haven’t argued once since she came over, that she’s so clingy and doesn’t want to leave Jeongguk for a second. He washes the dishes he used with Sohee still clinging to his back, he can tell she’s trying to initiate something and he’s gonna lead her on, because he knows she’s lying and he needs her to say the truth.

They end up watching a movie on his couch. Jeongguk is fully laying on it with Sohee on top of him, he took of his t-shirt well aware Sohee can see the marks and the stretches made by Taehyung, because he wants her to see. 

Sohee guilt trapped him into making Jeongguk stay with her with the pregnancy, but they never agreed on being exclusive so, in fact, Jeongguk did not cheat on her if what he thinks ends up being true. 

Jeongguk slips his hand under Sohee’s sweatshirt, his pads tracing the lines of her back and he can feels the goosebumps erupting under his fingertips, Sohee coming impossibly closer to him. His fingers undoing her bra as she starts leaving wet kisses on his neck, the same spots that were being kissed by Taehyung moments before. 

He shifts so Sohee falls on her side, her back pressing to the back of the couch but she adjusts her so Jeongguk can be on top of her. Sohee pulls Jeongguk down to kiss him and Jeongguk kisses her back, lets her have her way as he undoes the button of Sohee’s jeans, sliding the zipper down. 

Jeongguk feels Sohee becoming rigid when he slides her jeans past her hips, his hand finding its way between her legs but before Jeongguk can touch, she stops his hand by taking his wrist. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Jeongguk.” Sohee says, pulling away from the kiss as she looks at Jeongguk, her cheeks flushed.

“Why not?” Jeongguk asks, hiding his face on her neck, leaving a kiss on it before returning to look at her face. 

She bites her lower lip and he knows what she says slipped off her lips, that she didn’t meant to say it but still, Jeongguk looks at her questionably when she says, “I’m on my period. I don’t think—”

“Didn’t know pregnant women could still get their period.”

This time it’s her who looks at him with wide eyes, she’s rigid underneath him and her hands are trembling around his wrist and he just wants to know why.

He stands up as Sohee recomposes herself, sitting on the couch once she does. She has her head between her hands, takes the strands of her hair falling in front of her eyes behind her ears, sighing.

“I want the truth, Sohee. It’s pretty much obvious you aren’t pregnant. I’ve never seen a pregnant woman without her belly growing. I had my doubts for a long time but I wanted you to come to me and tell me the truth.”

Jeongguk sees her struggling to breathe so he falls to his knees in front of her, takes her hands between one of his, her chin with the free hand. “I’m not judging you. I just want to understand you. That’s it.”

“Are you going to leave me?”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “We’re not together, Sohee. You guilt trapped me into this relationship with a fake pregnancy. But no, I’m not leaving you. We will just stop sleeping together because I can’t give you what you want from me.”

Sohee is crying and Jeongguk knows because tears are falling over his fingers and he dries them, caressing her cheek. 

“I always knew that you would never fall in love with me. Because you had no interest in moving on with me or simply you didn’t want to move on from him. I tried so hard to make you fall in love with me but nothing was enough. I wasn’t enough. When you were painting some months ago I watched you all the time. You didn’t notice me because you were lost in your thoughts probably and I saw the smile you had when you were painting Taehyung, Jeongguk. That’s when I realized I fell into deep. I always said to myself not to expect anything from you, because I knew you could never be interested in me. I don’t know, I just felt that.” She shrugs as he starts playing with her hands, still in the grip of Jeongguk’s, and his gaze drops to look at their hands, feeling sorry towards her.

For not being able to give her the kind of love she wants from him. 

“I have some shitty friends, Jeongguk. I’m used to being downplayed by them. Me, my feelings, what I say. Everything. I ended up in a bad place by the time I started doing the same to you and I’m so sorry, Jeongguk. I feel so bad for how I treated you. And I lied about being pregnant because, in my mind, that was the only way I could tell how it feels like to be loved by you. I wanted to have Taehyung’s privilege of being loved by you, Jeongguk. And I’m sorry I trapped you into this relationship, forced you to like me, even. You didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry, Jeongguk. I’m so sorry. I truly love you and I know it’s one sided.”

Jeongguk’s heart clenches because Sohee never looked this small in his eyes, he always looked at her admiring the woman she is. And to see how people reduced her, it hurts. Jeongguk wishes she could have talked to him.

“Listen to me, Sohee.” Jeongguk says, his free hand coming up to wipe the drying tears on her face. “It’s not you who is not enough for me, alright? You’re wonderful, there’s nothing wrong with you and you don’t have to blame yourself because I couldn’t fall in love with you. It’s not something we can control, right? And I’m sorry, because I’m sure it’s a great feeling to love someone like you. What I want you to understand is that guilt trapping me into a relationship, bringing up my father to make me stay with you, is wrong and is what hurt me the most.” Jeongguk’s eyes never leave Sohee’s, he wants her to understand the sincerity behind his words and wants her to understand that what she did is wrong. “Because even if we ended up expecting a child, I would never behave like he did. And I know you know. I just want you to distance from those shitty people, you don’t deserve it and you’re so much better off without them. Getting someone to help me really worked for me so I hope it will work for you, too. And I want you to be happy without me, Noona. I’m sorry I can’t be that person to you.”

Sohee keeps crying for a bit longer than he anticipated, so he just takes her between his arms and lets her rest on him, crying until there are no more tears coming out from her eyes, until her chest doesn’t risen as erratic as it has been doing.

Jeongguk feels sorry, because that’s entirely his fault. He never wanted to trap Sohee into something he couldn’t give to her, and he admits that he, too, is guilty of it. But he made it very clear that between them could never born something genuine like love. He understands Sohee was afraid, but they could have avoided so much suffering from whatever they had and maybe, just maybe, now Sohee wouldn’t be so broken.

Jeongguk can’t help but think he was the one who broke her. He just hopes someday they can forget about all the grey days and remember only the good they shared. If there ever was something good to being with.

—

yoongi hyung:
wanna get some drinks together?

jeongguk:
yeah why not

yoongi hyung:
i’ll be waiting for you here
[location]

That’s how Jeongguk finds himself going to a bar near Itaewon at around two in the morning. He couldn’t sleep anyway, so he’s glad to have some company. 

He didn’t get himself dolled up, he doesn’t want to bring someone home. Neither does he want someone to bring him home. 

Jeongguk still has Taehyung all over him. Doesn’t matter how many times he showered since they fucked, he still feels the ghost of Taehyung’s lips on his, on his neck. His hands all over his body, his eyes locking with his.

Doesn’t matter how many times Jeongguk tries or has tried to forget everything about Taehyung. He just can’t. He tattooed himself on Jeongguk’s heart since they were children. No one can erase it. No matter how many people he has slept with, his heart still wants him. 

And sometimes Jeongguk wonders about Saki. The what ifs. What if he was in a more mentally stable state, what if his heart wasn’t broken, what if he actually gave himself a chance to heal through Saki. What if he asked her out before fucking, what if he they met in different circumstances.

But every time Jeongguk thinks about her and the what ifs, guiltiness engulfs him. And his heart breaks a little each time, because even if Taehyung says he doesn’t love Seojoon, that he thinks about him while letting Seojoon fuck him, the reality is that Taehyung is trying. To move on from Jeongguk. Wants him to just say the word and leave everything that doesn’t have him in it behind but it’s not something he would do if Jeongguk doesn’t ask him to.

And Jeongguk knows how to be selfish, but this time he can’t.

Because if Taehyung really wants him, really wants to try again with Jeongguk, really means when he says he doesn’t love Seojoon, he wouldn’t wait for Jeongguk to say yes, i want you to break up with Seojoon and start again with me the right way. 

All Jeongguk can think is that Taehyung wants Seojoon to make him forget about Jeongguk, to start again with him and let Jeongguk be just a part of his history.

He doesn’t see a future between them as of now. And maybe he’s incoherent because he told Taehyung there will be a happy ending for them but realistically, Jeongguk knows it may never come.

“Hey,” Yoongi says once Jeongguk stops in front of him, sitting down on the chair as soon as he arrives. “Ordered some food and alcohol.”

Jeongguk hums, smiling. “Food at almost two in the morning?”

Yoongi shrugs. “Figured you would be hungry. When we lived together you were always in the kitchen eating at fucked up hours, so.”

Jeongguk smiles at the memory. “Still eating at fucked up hours. Guess old habits die hard.”

“Indeed,” Yoongi smirks, “How did you end up sleeping with Taehyung?”

“How do you know I slept with him?”

Yoongi smiles at the waiter bringing his order and thanks him, looking at Jeongguk after telling him to eat all he wants. “I met Taehyung with Jimin some hours ago. He was very moody.”

Jeongguk takes some appetizers and eats them before speaking again. He clears his throat and, “I know. I told him I would ask Sohee to marry me right after we fucked. But he noticed something and it scared me when he pointed it out. I didn’t even think about it. Marriage. I don’t even love her, you know?” Jeongguk says, takes as sip of his drink and then, “And she lied about being pregnant, I had my doubts but she confirmed them all tonight. So I told Taehyung about asking Sohee just to hurt him, I guess.”

Yoongi hums as he drinks, puts his drink on the table before speaking. “How did you make her confess it?”

Jeongguk shrugs. “Just tried to sleep with her. All it took was my hand getting between her legs to make her say she couldn’t because she’s on her period. And as far as I’m concerned, pregnant women don’t get their period. So I just told her that and she confessed.”

Yoongi chuckles and nods. They drink and eat talking about everything and nothing at all, just updating each other and it feels so good. To be like this with Yoongi, to not feel his heart heavy for what happened. To not feel responsible for something he couldn’t control.

“How come you’re not surprised?”

“About what?” Yoongi asks.

“Sohee not being pregnant.”

“It was very clear to me that she just tried to keep you close. Maybe she didn’t want to lose you and tried hard to make you stay with her. Mistakenly thinking you would never find out, but I guess I can understand her. I would’ve done anything to be with Jimin some years ago. Just glad I can call him my boyfriend, now.” 

“Is it better?” Jeongguk asks, looking at Yoongi. “To have a relationship with him even if you’re quite old now?”

“Fuck you,” Yoongi says, chuckles as he looks at Jeongguk. His eyes way more brighter than Jeongguk remembers them to be. “And yes. I think I prefer being in a relationship now that we’re more mature and can talk things out without lying to the other.”

Jeongguk nods and smiles at him. “I’m glad things worked out for the two of you. And I’m sorry, hyung. Really.”

“For what?”

“Being the reason why you couldn’t experience what love is with him sooner. I’m sorry that I slept with Jimin behind your back. I’m sorry for a lot of things.”

Yoongi shakes his head, taking his hand and Jeongguk’s eyes widen. “No, Jeongguk. For fuck’s sake, you attempted because of what I told you. Don’t ever think about being sorry for it. You didn’t even know Jimin had feelings for you once. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I didn’t. I didn’t attempt because of you.”

Yoongi nods. “But what I told you was your last straw. And I noticed, Jeongguk. The way you become rigid once I mentioned the drugs. I could tell something was wrong but rather than asking you about it, I kept twisting the knife, putting salt in your wounds when I had your broken soul in front of me. I blamed you for everything that went wrong in my life when you were never the cause of it. I convinced myself to hate you because Jimin had always your name in his mouth and I saw you as someone who could potentially be good for him. I was envious of you.”

“Still. Even if not intentionally, I hurt you.”

“Jeongguk.” Yoongi says firmly, tightening the grip he has on his hands. Caressing the back of his hand with his thumb. “I want to tell you all the truth.”

Jeongguk’s brows furrows but he nods. “I’m listening.”

And so Yoongi tells him he did not abuse Taehyung, that he can show him he’s not lying by showing him footage but Jeongguk declines, he doesn’t want to see anything of that kind, especially when Yoongi mentions Jaehyun. He tells him how once Taehyung regained consciousness he thought it had been Yoongi and he just took the blame, because when Taehyung was fourteen Yoongi’s brother abused him and Yoongi felt guilty since the moment it happened. So it was easier for him to make Taehyung believe he was just like his brother, that he was no different. And Jeongguk’s heart hurt for him, because Yoongi has been hurting all this time alone. Because he felt like he couldn’t tell anyone how fucked up he was. Because he would never expose Taehyung’s story like that. Because he took the blame even if he witnessed his brother doing bad things to Taehyung. Because his brother tried to do the same to him. Because.

“I’m sorry you had a burden this heavy to carry and didn’t tell anyone about it. It must have been so hard, hyung. But I’m so proud of you. For coming this far. For finding your will to get up and give life a second chance. And I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way.”

Yoongi wipes his tears and shakes his head. “See? You’ve always been the bigger person out of the two of us. It’s me who should be apologizing right now, not you. And I—”

“You what?”

“I don’t hate you, Jeongguk. I really don’t.”

“I know. I know, hyung.”

“Jeongguk-ah,” Yoongi calls once Jeongguk stands up and is about to leave. He turns his face towards Yoongi, waiting for the older to tell him what it is. “I’m proud of you, too. For giving life a second chance. For giving yourself a second chance at life. I love you.”

Jeongguk returns to his apartment with a way more lighter heart than he anticipated. He hopes this moment can be a turning point to their friendship. To be more honest with one another. To not let trivial things come between them. Because Jeongguk loves Yoongi so much it physically hurts to not have Yoongi by his side.

Maybe Saki was right. Healing is possible if you give yourself a second chance. No matter how much time it takes, you can get better. 

You can heal. 

—

All of them are currently backstage hyping Taehyung up for the upcoming exhibition. It’s nearly the end of August, they worked together other times before finalizing their video. They didn’t talk about what happened the last time, may it be sex or what Jeongguk told Taehyung before watching him leave. So is a bit awkward between them right now.

Jeongguk is watching Taehyung as he talks with Namjoon and he finds himself smiling when his cheeks turn red because of some compliment Namjoon just gave him. No one has seen their work, Taehyung’s work, but he can’t wait. It turn out much better than Jeongguk expected and he hopes Taehyung is proud of himself, too.

“Sometimes I really wonder what the fuck are you waiting for. Or if you’re just stupid.”

Jeongguk turns his head towards Seokjin and asks, “What are you talking about?”

“Well, that you’re stupid is something I’ve known since I first met you. But, do something? Grow some balls?”

“Look who’s talking,” Jeongguk chuckles as he turns to look at Taehyung, meeting his gaze and smiling at him. “I don’t have to do something. Time will do its thing. Eventually.”

“And what if he falls in love with Seojoon?”

Jeongguk shrugs. “You should be hoping that he does. You’re the one who presented Seojoon to him, aren’t you?”

Seokjin’s gaze drops and hums. “I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk shakes his head, turning again to look at Seokjin. “Don’t be, hyung. You did the right thing. I would never trap Taehyung into a relationship when I couldn’t even handle my own emotions. It’s a good thing he met someone else who makes him feel differently from what he felt with me. And it’s fine if he falls in love with Seojoon, I’m not stopping him.”

Seojoon pats his back and smiles at Jeongguk, even though Jeongguk can tell it’s a fake smile because he feels guilty. “If Hoseok ever left me I think I could never handle it like you did. And I’m so proud of you, Jeongguk. And sorry, too. Maybe now you could be here as his boyfriend.”

Jeongguk sighs and nods, smiles at Seokjin. “There might be other occasions where I could be with him as his boyfriend, don’t you think?”

“So you’re going to do something after all, aren’t you?”

Jeongguk winks at him. “I’m going to make him fall in love with the new version of me. And I’ll fall for the new version of him. We’re not the same as before, it’s like we are two different people now, doesn’t it?”

Seokjin nods and smiles, his arms sliding around Jeongguk’s waist and his eyes widen but he hugs Seokjin back. “I’m sure you’re going to succeed.”

—

“Hi,” Jeongguk says, putting his chin on Taehyung’s shoulder once the others leave to see if everything’s on its place before people start coming in. He can tell Taehyung is nervous to have Jeongguk this close to him after the last time since they didn’t really talk about what happened.

“Hey,” Taehyung says, clearing his throat and closing eyes. 

“Is it okay?” Jeongguk asks as he slides his arms around Taehyung’s waist, hugging him from behind, tightly. 

Taehyung hums, his body still rigid. “You shouldn’t be here, though. Seojoon should.”

“And where is he?”

Taehyung shrugs. “Don’t know. He promised me he would be here but I haven’t heard anything from him since this morning. Maybe he has someone else, too.”

Jeongguk sighs and turns Taehyung between his arms, his chest sinks once he looks at Taehyung because he’s so beautiful it hurts, because his eyes should be sparkling but they’re not. His eyes should be locking with Jeongguk’s but they’re not.

“Look at me, darling.”

Taehyung shakes his head. “Don’t.”

“Darling..” Jeongguk whispers, their noses brushing against each other. The younger inhales Taehyung’s perfume and something about it being the one Jeongguk gifted him some years ago makes Jeongguk’s heartbeat fasten. “Look at me. Please?” 

“Why would I?”

“Because you want to. Because you’re dying to be with me again just like I am.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Taehyung chuckles but Jeongguk can see his eyes filling with tears.

“Don’t cry because of me.” Jeongguk whispers, one hand coming up to his face, his thumb wiping the tears streaming down his face and Taehyung leans against his touch, he craves it just as much as Jeongguk craves to touch, to reach, to love.

“Stop confusing me, Jeongguk. You can’t get away with telling me you’re gonna marry her and then being all lovey-dovey with me. Tell me what the fuck do you want and go away.”

Jeongguk caresses his cheek one last time before letting Taehyung go, watching him as he wipes his tears. “I’m sorry. About last time. I’m sorry I dismissed your feelings that way, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry I lied to you about marrying her but I got scared. What you said scared me and hurt me at the same time. Because you’re not going to do anything about us unless I tell you I want you to break up with Seojoon, and I can be an asshole all you want, but I’m not that kind of guy. I know you feel good around him and I do not blame you for trying to fall in love with him. I’ll be your first supporter if that happens. That’s why I can’t ask you such things.” 

“How can you talk like you’re doing me a favor when you’re the one who’s building up a fucking family? For fuck’s sake, you’re going to be a —”

Jeongguk shakes his head, comes closer to Taehyung, taking his hand. His thumb caressing the back of Taehyung’s hand. “I’m not. Sohee’s not pregnant, Taehyung. She didn’t want me to leave her and lied about it to prevent me leaving her.”

“Are you lying to me, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk shakes his head, again. Looks at Taehyung, finding his eyes already on him. He locks their gazes and smiles at Taehyung, keeps caressing his hand. “I’m not lying. I’m not becoming a Dad. I’m not with Sohee anymore. I’m not a lot of things.”

Taehyung then comes closer to Jeongguk, his eyes still filling with tears as he looks at him. “Do you not feel anything at all for Sohee?”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “I do care about her, a lot. She’s important to me. But I don’t love her, no.”

Taehyung nods and lower his gaze.

“You like him, don’t you?” Jeongguk then asks, his heart breaking a little as he asks, but he’s fine with it. It may hurt. But it is only right if Taehyung knows another kind of love. 

“I’m starting to. I guess. I’m sor—”

“It’s okay, Taehyung. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m happy if you are.” Jeongguk says as he smiles, he caresses the back of his hand before letting it go. 

“Baby?” 

And that’s Jeongguk’s clue to leave, because at the sound of Seojoon’s voice Taehyung’s eyes lit up. And this time, he’s not ashamed to admit it hurts to witness it.

“I’ll be waiting with the others. Good luck, hyung.” Jeongguk says softly, leaving a kiss on his forehead before walking away from him, bowing to Seojoon before walking past him. He exits the room of the backstage and walks towards his friends, putting his arm around Namjoon’s shoulder as he tries to look interested about what they’re saying.

It’s going to be a really long night.

But Jeongguk is going to be fine. He knows how to heal. How to not fall back to old habits. Jeongguk is more mature than he was.

He can make it through.

—

“Thank you so much for coming here. It’s my first exhibition and I’m a bit nervous about it, but I’m going to answer to some questions you might have about my paintings.”

Jeongguk is watching Taehyung from afar, he doesn’t have the privilege to be front row, he’s here as one of his friends, not as his boyfriend. So he’s next to the bar, drinking beer as he watches Taehyung answer to the reporters and he’s so fucking beautiful. A silk shirt, maybe too big for him, adorning his lines, tucked in baby blue jeans and a black jacket on top of it. His hair are black, curly. And he has glasses on. 

Jeongguk wanted to kiss him senseless before going back to their friends, but maybe Seojoon did it. Because he can. Jeongguk not anymore.

“Mr. Park here. In the video there is a past lover of yours, right, Vante-ssi? I’m surprised to see someone who’s not Park Seojoon-ssi. How’d he take it? To not be part of the footage displaying behind your paintings?”

Taehyung is collected when he replies and he sees Seojoon smiling at him, giving one thumbs up and Taehyung smiles back. 

“You’re right, Mr. Park. The one in the video is my only past lover. I don’t know if you can understand, but communication in a relationship is the key. Of course I talked with Seojoon-ssi before starting this project. And as you can see for yourself, he is okay with it.” 

The smile Taehyung gives his a false one and asks if there is someone who can ask him something interesting.

“Mrs. Hwang here.” A woman says, smiling at Taehyung as he nods to her. “I watched all the clips and all the paintings and I have to say it left a bittersweet feeling in my chest. I felt like I was reviving my adolescence through it. What inspired you to make this exhibition?”

“Thank you so much, Mrs. Hwang. I’m glad it reached you the way I wanted. In one of my interviews, some time ago, I talked about the six stars hanging in the walls of my heart. And I wanted my first exhibition to be about the seven of us. One of them, as you can see and know, was my lover. The other five stars are my best friends. All of us found each other when something bad happened into our life, we became each other’s shoulder, we fought, we cried, we laughed, we distanced ourselves from one other. But at the end, we came back to life. The seven of us needed some time apart before letting the others in. And the moment we opened our hearts to each other again, I decided I wanted to revive all our beautiful memories together. They’ve been part of me since I was a child, they’re family to me. I don’t see my life without them. I don’t see myself reaching higher without them by my side. I don’t see myself falling and stepping right back to my feet without having them with me. They’re life to me.”

The seven of them look between each other with so much fondness in their eyes that Jeongguk asks himself how the fuck would he possibly live without the six of them?

“Nice to meet you, Vante-ssi. Mrs. Lee right here. If that’s alright with Seojoon-ssi, could you tell us more about your past relationship and lover? The two of you look so much in love in these videos that I can’t really understand how something so beautiful and special as what you two had could end. Not trying to disrespect your relationship with Park Seojoon-ssi, just curious.”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen as he looks at Taehyung, finding his eyes for the brief moment. The older’s gaze drops as someone gives Seojoon the mic. “Not disrespectful at all. I’m quite confident in our relationship and of course he can talk about it. No need to ask for my permission. He’s not something who belongs to me, he just happens to be someone who I want to spend my every day life with. Thank you.” Seojoon says and bows to her, smiling at Taehyung and nodding.

Jeongguk feels the knot in his throat tightening the more he’s here, he wants to go away but at the same time he wants to know what Taehyung has to say about them. And Jeongguk can see why Taehyung is starting to fall for Seojoon. He changed a lot in the amount of time he didn’t see him and that’s clearly an effort he made to make his relationship with Taehyung work. 

“Thank you, baby. And thank you, Mrs. Lee for your question. Well, my exhibition is called The One Who Healed A Broken Heart And Its Stars. As I previously said, my friends are my stars, right? So my past lover is the one who healed a broken heart.” Taehyung starts, looking directly at Jeongguk as he says so, both of his hands are trembling and the more Taehyung speaks, the more he wants to run up the stage and kiss him senseless. “I didn’t really have a happy childhood. Most of things that I remember are really horrible ones, and I happened to met him when I was going through it. It was so difficult to make it look like I was always happy, but, every time, he was the one who could tell which smiles I was faking. I met him when I was almost ten years old. At that age, children shouldn’t have to defend their mothers from their stepfathers beating, but that’s what was happening in my family at that time. I couldn’t really talk to him about it because he had such big beautiful doe eyes that looked at the world like it was worth living, like everything had beauty in it. And I didn’t want to break it to him and tell him that in fact, the world had its fair share of ugliness. The more I grew, the more things got worse. The more things got worse, the more he was there for me. With me. Healing a broken heart that wasn’t his fault it was was never something he should have done. But he did. He literally saved me, at that time. You could say we grow up while learning to love each other, even if we didn’t know a damn thing about love. I think I’ve loved him since the first time my eyes landed on him, and some parts of me will always love him. You know what they say, right? You never get over your first love. And you’re right, Mrs. Lee. We were. We loved each other so much that at some point I think we weren’t able to handle such a precious thing we shared with one another anymore.  But shit happens, doesn’t it? Not everything always goes the way we want it to. That’s it.”

Jeongguk doesn’t even know when he started crying, but by the time Taehyung finishes talking, he finds his friends surrounding him and Hoseok wiping his tears, his hand coming up to his nape, letting Jeongguk rest his forehead on his shoulder. “It’s okay to cry, kid. The sun is always going to shine again.”

Jeongguk nods as he lets out everything he has been holding back. He cries until he tears stops coming out. Taehyung keeps answering some questions about the paintings so he takes it as his clue to go to the bathroom to freshen up (he can’t let Taehyung see how affected he still is) since after the exhibition is over they’re going to eat dinner together.

The eight of them. 

Jeongguk guesses he has to get used to Seojoon hanging out with them. And it’s okay. As long as Jeongguk can handle.

He returns to the hall just in time to be dragged in front of the stage by Jimin, exactly across him is Seojoon who is waiting to take Taehyung between his arms with the biggest smile on his face.

As soon as Taehyung steps down, he does. He goes straight into Seojoon’s arms and Jeongguk’s heart clenches, feels Yoongi’s hand on his back and he just gives him a smile. It’s okay, he mouthes. 

Even if it’s not. Why? Because Taehyung kisses Seojoon. Right in front of him.

Jeongguk’s gaze drop. Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many times he says he’s happy if Taehyung is happy (he really is, for the record, that’s what fucks him up) it hurts to see how he really wants to move on from everything they had.

How he is doing exactly that.

And Jeongguk is just a fool. Because he really thought that telling him the truth about Sohee could help them to get back on their feet. But it didn’t.

Because Taehyung’s heart isn’t tied with Jeongguk’s anymore.

And it’s alright. 

Suddenly Taehyung is in front of him and all of their friends, minus Seojoon, are looking at them with fondness in their eyes and smiles. Jeongguk looks at Taehyung and smiles, his hand going up to his cheek, caressing it. Taehyung’s hand wraps around his wrist, Jeongguk leans forward to leave a kiss on his forehead, resting his lips on it for a bit.

“I’m proud of you, hyung.” Jeongguk says, smiling softly at him. They’re the same height, so it’s really hard sometimes to not look at his eyes, because that’s what fucks him up completely. Because that’s what talks to Jeongguk more than Taehyung’s mouths does. And right now, his eyes are apologetic. Like he has done something he shouldn’t have, and he’s not referring to what he told the audience about them. 

Taehyung’s eyes are apologetic because he’s sorry about feeling the way he does about someone else. And Jeongguk never wanted it in the first place.

“Don’t look at me like that, hyung. Go on and live this kind of love the way you want to live it. I’m setting you free from the cage that is my heart, alright?”

Taehyung shakes his head and Jeongguk smiles. Caresses his cheek, gives one more kiss to his forehead. 

“Don’t do that, Jeongguk. Please.”

“Your boyfriend is waiting for you, hyung. I’ll wait for you all at the restaurant, yeah?”

Jeongguk doesn’t let Taehyung answer and goes straight to his car, takes advantage of the fact that he’s alone in the parking lot and lets himself cry out loud. 

It’s going to be alright.

—

“You did so well up there, baby. I’m so proud of you,” Seojoon says as he caresses his cheek and Taehyung smiles. They’re currently in the car, Taehyung on Seojoon’s lap, his hands on his shoulders.

“Yeah?”

Seojoon nods and smiles at him, his arms around his waist, bringing him closer. Taehyung leans closer and kisses him, tries to not think about Jeongguk’s big doe eyes as he was talking about their relationship and how they darkened when Taehyung talked about them in past tense. 

It’s true that he is starting to fall for Seojoon, he’s not like before anymore. He’s more understanding and more careful with him, he treats him right, doesn’t make Taehyung cry, doesn’t beat him up, doesn’t force Taehyung to do things he doesn’t want. So yes, he’s falling for Seojoon because he treats him right. Anyone would fall for someone like Seojoon if treated the way he treats Taehyung.

But he can’t help having his heart still calling out Jeongguk’s name, that’s why it hurt to hear Jeongguk say I’m setting you free from the cage that is my heart, because Taehyung never felt like he was in a cage with him.

Jeongguk’s heart is the only place Taehyung will ever feel safe.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Tae. I loved how you replied to every single one of them. You’re so sexy, baby. You have no idea.” Seojoon says and Taehyung smiles, feeling his smile into his neck as he kisses it and leaves beating marks on it. And Taehyung tries his very best to not think about Jeongguk doing the same thing some time ago.

“Thank you. For letting me speak about my relationship with Jeongguk.”

Seojoon looks up, steals a kiss from Taehyung and shakes his head, taking his hands between his. “I mean what I said earlier, baby. You don’t belong to me and I was an asshole for thinking that way when we started dating.”

Taehyung nods and kisses him again, letting all his worries be washed away as Seojoon kisses him and caresses his skin like Taehyung is the most valuable diamond, too precious to just touch it. Afraid it could break. And Taehyung likes it, he does. 

But he likes Jeongguk’s touch better.

“We should be going. The others are waiting inside.”

Seojoon nods and steals a last kiss from Taehyung’s lips before opening the car door and letting Taehyung go out first, following him afterwards. 

There are some paparazzi waiting for Seojoon to be seen in public with his partner for the first time ever, never felt too confident about my relationships to go public, but with you i do Seojoon said to him and that made Taehyung feel important, like he actually is important to him. 

The paparazzi starts taking pictures of them and the lights of their cameras almost makes Taehyung go blind but he’s getting accustomed with the flashing lights. They get to take one picture where Taehyung and Seojoon are kissing and he’s sure they got the moment his cheeks flushed, too.

Then they enter the restaurant and Hoseok raises his arm to let them know where they are so they walk towards their table and smiles at them.

“Good job, Tae. I really liked it.” Namjoon says once he sits down between him and Seojoon, he turns his face towards him and thanks him, putting his head on his shoulder.

“I’m so glad you are all here. It means so much to me, really. Thank you.” Taehyung says as he looks at his friends one for one, making his gaze linger on Jeongguk, who’s sitting across of him, for a bit longer. He smiles at him and Taehyung gives one back. 

“I’m so happy it is the seven of us again. No offense, Seojoon-ssi.” Jimin says next to Jeongguk and Taehyung sees both of them smirking, tries to hide his amusement but no one really does and Seojoon knows Jimin can’t stand him.

“None taken, Jimin-ssi. But people could actually think I’m the seventh one since you’re not really visible.”

Jimin scoffs and looks at him, “Not even in your wildest dreams, asshole.”

Seojoon actually laughs and takes Taehyung’s hand, leaving a kiss on it and Taehyung sees Jeongguk dropping his gaze. 

“Order whatever you want, guys. I’m paying.” Seojoon says and smiles genuinely at them and Taehyung’s eyes this time lingers way too much on him. 

“Thank you, baby.” Taehyung whispers as he leaves a kiss on his cheek, smiling when Seojoon kisses him in front of everyone.

Seokjin clears his throat and claps his hands onto the table, “Alright, guys. Let’s order fucking everything that is on the menu. Seojoon’s paying, anyway.”

“Why don’t you pay for yourself, Seokjin-ssi?” Seojoon says, a playful smirk on his face.

“Feels like you’re some kind of dude trying to determine who has the biggest dick between the two of us. Hoseok will gladly say my name, don’t worry.”

“Can’t really deny it,” Hoseok shrugs, winks at Seokjin and takes his hand under the table. Not many people accepted Seokjin’s relationship with Hoseok so whenever they go out, Hoseok always tries to hide every act of intimacy. Told Seokjin that it’s okay to be like this but Taehyung knows deep down it hurts him.

“Me neither.” Yoongi sighs and both Jimin and Hoseok look at him accusingly and Namjoon giggles. 

“One time Seokjin was taking a shower and thought he was the only one at home. So he had the brilliant idea of coming out of the shower completely naked. We were making music in my room so we didn’t really acknowledge him. Well, at some point we were hungry so Yoongi said he was going to think about something to cook and I followed him just to see if he needed help. Little did we know that we would find Seokjin completely naked in our shared couch, jerking off to some cheap porno he found online?”

All of them burst out laughing, everything someone adds makes the other laugh harder and all of them gets side eyed but Taehyung doesn’t fucking care, he is so glad he has all of them by his side.

“Fuck, I shouldn’t have known it. I slept more times than I can count on that fucking couch.” Jeongguk says and suddenly Taehyung is not laughing anymore, because every time Jeongguk slept on it was because of him.

“Yeah.. About that,” Seokjin starts, looking at Jeongguk as he takes his hand. “One time — or more, actually — we fucked on the couch before you would come down to sleep on it. There might’ve been some.. residual, I would say.”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen and yanks his hand away from Seokjin’s, the older laughing as Jeongguk makes gag noises. “You’re disgusting, hyung. You too, Hobi-hyung.” 

“I swear we haven’t fucked on it as much as he says we did.” Hoseok says and winks at Jeongguk, the younger shaking his head, you’re terrible he mouths at Hoseok as Jimin clears his throat.

“Well, are we really confessing our sins?” Jimin asks and Jeongguk groans, says no, i don’t want to know yours but Jimin shrugs and says it anyway. “I sucked Yoongi’s dick on it more times than I can count. Sorry, Jeongguk.”

“I eat Jimin’s ass on it.”

“Stop. I’m serious, stop talking about it.”

“Are you getting a boner?” Seokjin asks and Jeongguk slaps his nape, you wish, he says between laughs. 

“Can’t really blame them, can you, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk looks up at the sound of his voice and suddenly Taehyung is so nervous, maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, shouldn’t be making allusions about their sex life when they’re ex and Seojoon, his current partner, is sitting next to him. 

Jeongguk awkwardly chuckles. “Can I?” 

The laughters dies because of course he would have to make a joke that would make the situation awkward. Fortunately Namjoon starts to speak about the project is working on and tells them that is confidential information that no one should about but they get the privilege to know. Taehyung listens until he sees a very beautiful lady coming into their direction and his gaze drops to her hand on Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“Noona?” Jeongguk asks, eyes so big and beautiful as he looks at her and Taehyung’s heart clenches as he sees the biggest smile on his face. Taehyung has always seen that kind of smile when Jeongguk was with him.

“It’s been a while,” The girl smiles as Jeongguk stands up to engulf her in his arms, he sees his fucking lips grazing on her neck and she smiles, hugs him back and whispers something into his ear that makes Jeongguk giggle. 

He tries his best to tear his gaze away but he can’t, his eyes linger to the way Jeongguk’s hand are on her waist, how he smiles as she talks and when he’s suddenly addressed, he comes out of his trance and looks at Jeongguk.

“What?”

“She’s Saki. A friend of mine. Is it a problem if she has dinner with us?”

She’s so pretty it hurts. Jeongguk always had a thing for pretty people, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that she is someone who could spark Jeongguk’s interest.

“Hyung?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. She can eat with us.” Taehyung says and smiles at her, standing up to offer his hands which she takes gladly. “I’m Taehyung, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Saki nods and smiles at him, “Well, he already introduced me. But I’m Saki, nice to meet you too, Taehyung-ssi.”

The nights go smoothly if he has to say the truth. He doesn’t get to enjoy the night as much, though. Jealousy is eating him alive, he can’t tear his gaze away, he sees every single thing they do and he shouldn’t because he’s dancing with his boyfriend and should be focusing on him, not on his ex who is almost kissing the girl.

Seojoon hides his face on the crook of Taehyung’s neck and starts kissing his neck and as much as he likes the way he does it, he can’t even get aroused because his fucking eyes are on Jeongguk. And the younger fucking knows it because he starts whispering something into her hear as his gaze locks with Taehyung’s.

Jeongguk has the audacity to kiss her while looking straight into Taehyung’s eyes, so Taehyung smirks, starts moaning into Seojoon’s ear and makes sure Jeongguk sees he’s getting aroused even if it’s not true and he thinks he knows because Jeongguk smirks as he keeps kissing her.

“Are you okay with it? I’m being too much?” Seojoon asks as he looks up to him and Taehyung caresses his cheek, shaking his head. 

“It’s okay, hyung,” Taehyung says as he smiles, taking his face between his hands and kisses him, fiercely, as his eyes never leaves Jeongguk’s, they keep starring at each other every time the other does something with the man and woman between their arms. 

Taehyung shouldn’t be jealous of her, as long as he’s concerned she’s no one to Jeongguk, but then again, the way he looks at her tells Taehyung they had something going on. And Jeongguk looks at her like she’s worth it, the same way he looked at Taehyung all these years ago.

After some time he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom, splashing some cold water on his face and taking a deep breath.

“Aren’t you a bit too jealous of your ex to be saying you’re falling in love with someone else?” 

Taehyung opens his eyes and looks at Jeongguk who’s currently behind him staring at Taehyung from the mirror. He chuckles. 

“Look who’s talking.”

Jeongguk shrugs. “Never denied I still am. So what’s your point?”

“She’s pretty.”

Jeongguk hums. “She’s more than that, but yeah. She is.”

Taehyung nods, his gaze dropping to his bracelets, playing with them. “Do you like her?”

“I made it very clear that I’m still into you,” Jeongguk says, coming closer to Taehyung, his arms wrapping around his waist and his chin resting on his shoulders. “But. I might.” Jeongguk whispers, his nose brushing his jawline, “She’s the one who could potentially make me move on from you. For good.”

Taehyung hums and nods, gulps down but the knot in his throat tightening the more he tries to gulp, the more Jeongguk is near him, the more Jeongguk talks about her. 

“Do you want to?”

Jeongguk keeps brushing his jawline with his nose, his lips grazing against it sometimes. The grip he has on him tightens and Taehyung’s heart starts pounding too fast. 

“I should want it, shouldn’t I?”

“Then go to her, Jeongguk. It’s only right.”

“Kiss me.”

“I can’t.”

“You want to. You should be doing what you want to do.”

“I already cheated on him with you.” Taehyung says, not doing really anything to distance himself from Jeongguk, on the contrary, he shifts his head so Jeongguk has more access to his neck. “He doesn’t deserve it. I can’t, Jeongguk.”

“If that’s what you want,” Jeongguk says, smiling at him and leaving a kiss on his temple. “Then don’t act like you’re jealous and want to be in her place. Because I clearly made it clear I still love you and you acting like this makes me more confused. I don’t want you to choose now that you have something good in your life, but don’t act like you still want me when you have already made your choices and I’m clearly not one of them. I’m begging you, hyung.”

Taehyung wants to reach out once Jeongguk detaches himself from Taehyung’s body, but he’s right. Taehyung made his choice to stay with Seojoon, because he makes him feel good and Taehyung craves that, craves love and affection and Seojoon is good at it. His heart still beats for Jeongguk, of course it does, but is it so wrong of him to let someone else take care of it?

“You’re right. But don’t make me feel guilty about it. It’s my life, Jeongguk. You might have been part of it and I might have loved you more than anything else, but don’t blame me for finding happiness in someone who isn’t you. I’m not stopping you if you want to be with her, because it would only make me incoherent and I’m not. Let’s try to be happy without one another, alright?”

“You’re losing me, Taehyung. This time might be forever.”

“I already lost you when I decided to leave you behind. Be happy without me, Jeongguk. Please.”

Taehyung hates to see Jeongguk’s eyes filled with tears but it’s been three years since they broke up and they can’t keep going back to each other because that’s only going to hurt them more and Taehyung is sick and tired of getting hurt every time. 

Taehyung hates that it still affects him because of course he’s crying once he gets out of the bathroom. He walks past bodies to find Seojoon talking with Namjoon, he smiles at him once he is next to them and takes Seojoon’s arm. 

“Let’s go home, hyung.”

Chapter Text

T.E.A.R GANG (7)

hobi hyung:
alright bitches 🥳 we cordially invite you all to our summer house all summer long!!!! we’re gonna have fun just like the old good days so dont even think about declining 😚😚😚
thank you bro x5 ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥

yoongi hyung:
can we like.. change the group name?
its embarrassing 

seokjin hyung:
so you're embarrassed about showing your love for us huh? that’s what you’re saying? sucks to be you

namjoon hyung:
jimin doesn’t agree with you

yoongi hyung:
because the one who sucks something is him

jimin hyung:
okay let’s calm down now
don’t forget your roots, baby

taehyungie:
we really dont care 

seokjun hyung:
we have a child to take care of for god’s sake
please dont say anything that can traumatize him in any way

jeongguk:
as if
i’m way more worse than that

taehyungie:
well can’t really deny it can i

JEONGGUK:
;)

namjoon hyung:  
what the fuck

jeongguk:
and i’m 27 (ALMOST 28!) stop calling me a kid

seokjin hyung:
whatever you say kid

jimin hyung:
DAMN 
more of a slut than ME?????
i wont accept it

jeongguk:
sucks to be you i guess

yoongi hyung:
i agree

jimin hyung:
shut up 

hobi hyung:
lmao jeongguk you’re way too sure of yourself you’re soooo cute
no one can beat me 🥺

seokjin hyung:
i agree 🥺

TAEHYUNGIE
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
[photo]
seojoonie says hi 🫶🏼

Jeongguk sighs and stops replying to the group chat, he doesn’t feels like doing it anymore. It might be selfish and childish, but the fact that everyone accepted Seojoon in the group, minus him and Jimin, irks him. It has been almost a year since the last time he saw Taehyung and Seojoon. Every time the group wanted to meet and Jeongguk knew they were going to be there he told his friends he was busy. He did met with them only when he was certain Taehyung and Seojoon weren’t coming and if Taehyung texted they would come later, he made sure to not be there.

It’s not like he doesn’t have fun. He does. He goes partying almost every other weekend, meets with Saki when he or her feels like it and with other people. Because they aren’t exclusive and Jeongguk doesn’t want to tell her he could potentially fall in love with her. 

Why?

Because Jeongguk doesn’t want to.

He could.

But why would he fall in love with someone else if every fucking time he fucks with someone he thinks of him? If every time he gets to feel something more for Saki he thinks about what he feels, still, for him? Like falling for her would mean betraying Taehyung.

And maybe Taehyung did think the same thing before falling for Seojoon. Then it happened and he didn’t felt like betraying Jeongguk anymore.

After all, what can he do about it?

It’s been almost two years since Taehyung has been in a relationship with Seojoon and four years since they broke up. It’s Jeongguk who should be moving on, because Taehyung surely did and it sees that he is in fact happy. 

He’s happy without Jeongguk.

Just like he asked Jeongguk nine months ago. Let’s try to be happy without one another. Be happy without me, Jeongguk.

And he is, to say the truth. He is happy. Of whatever he has going on with Saki, of enjoying himself with other people, things at 97z Ink going as well as it could possibly go, his sister growing up beautifully, his mother being the reason why Jeongguk feels so lucky to have a family, Jungsik hanging out with him and talking like he’s really his son. He has his friends with him, Sohee, Mingyu, Saki. He has everything, really.

He likes himself so much more with two full sleeves now, an eyebrow piercing.

He could have love, too, if he only wanted to. 

But to not have the kind of love he has known fifteen years ago, when he was thirteen, makes him feel incomplete.

He has everything he could possibly ask for, but he doesn’t have Taehyung. And Jeongguk feels like he’s the only piece of his puzzle left to be complete. If he has him, if he has the chance to find that love again with him, Jeongguk could be complete. 

He sighs and puts his phone to charge and shifts on his bed, turning on his side as baby Bam crawls into the bad to find his spot between Jeongguk’s arms. He’s not alone but he has been feeling lonely for quite sometime now, so he thought about adopting a baby dog who could keep him company.

When he has gone to the dog shelter, he has met and cuddled most of the dogs there but no one really made him say that’s the one. He kept going until he found a mom with her puppies, she was cuddling all of them and Jeongguk smiled at the sight, but when he looked behind her and saw a puppy all alone, being ignored by his own mothers and siblings, Jeongguk’s heart sank. 

He dropped his gaze to the 134340 tattoo and then looked at the puppy again.

That’s when he thought that’s the one. 

He has gone all the way to Daegu to get the puppy home with him to Seoul. Yeeun was so happy and excited once he saw the puppy that the first thing she did was to run towards him and yell 밤이! and that’s how he decided to call him Bam. 

It could mean two things in korean language, either night or chestnut and Jeongguk doesn’t know why or how Yeeun thought about that to name him but when he asked her about it she told him, in her little manner, he’s pwetty as the nnight! 

He smiles and takes his phone, takes a picture of baby Bam between his arms and sends it to the group chat, not really looking at what they were talking about but then he doesn’t see (7) anymore, at its place there is now a (8) and Jeongguk has a bad feeling Seojoon was added to it.

T.E.A.R GANG (8)

jeongguk:
[photo]

jimin hyung:
OH MY FUCKING GOD JEONGGUK WHO IS THAT PRECIOUS THING BETWEEN YOUR ARMS I WANT TO DIE (REAL!!!!)

hobi hyung:
did you get the other sleeve tattooed?????
like….. FULL SLEEVE???????
damn you’re SO hot

seokjin hyung:
t wasn’t on my bingo card to see you thirsting over a fucking CHILD

jeongguk:
your mom wouldn’t think that way of me though 

yoongi hyung:
jeongguk 1 seokjin 0

taehyungie:
whos this cutie oh my god 

namjoon hyung:
the small puppy or the big puppy?

jeongguk:
what kind of kinks do yall have with me
be honest pls i dont understand 

hobi hyung:
you’re so hot jeongguk

seokjin hyung:
what the fuck

namjoon hyung:
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 

jeongguk:
he’s bam by the way
yeeun named him

taehyungie:
i should really go visit dahye :( i hadn’t had the chance to meet your sister yet :(
sent me her pictures bunnn :(

+82 12881619145:
Didn’t know you had a sister 

jeongguk:
yeah well its not something i say to people i dont personally know
now you do :)

jimin hyung:
i agree with hobi
you’re SO hot jeongguk

+82 12881619145:
Wouldn’t have fucked him if he wasn’t hot, Jimin-ssi?

taehyungie:
don’t..? please. 

yoongi hyung:
who the fuck added him to the gc

jeongguk:
its none of your business with who we decide to sleep with, seojoon-ssi, so please do not bring the past into this just because you’re jealous about taehyung calling me they way he used to when we dated. you should be more confident in your relationship otherwise it won’t last longer (than its already doing) which surprises me, tbh.
 but don’t sulk like a baby just because i can make your boyfriend come from actual pleasure and not because he has to think about his ex to come when hes with you

+8212881619145:
What the fuck are you talking about?

seokjin hyung:
seojoon i really care about you but you should change your behavior if you want to still hang out with us. being in relationship with one of our friend doesn’t give you the free pass to mistreat jimin and jeongguk just because you’re a jealous freak. if you really care about taehyung don’t downplay his ex and his best friend because he doesn’t like it and you should know, since you’re his boyfriend.

taehyungie:
i’m sorry for adding him. i thought it was a good idea to have him here since we hang out a lot you know.. i shouldn’t have..
i’m sorry

jimin hyung:
don’t fucking be sorry for something that you’re not guilty of, tae. you’re not like this. seojoon is the one who should be sorry for being the scumbag he is and for treating you that way.
because his aim wasn’t me nor jeongguk. it was to make you remember what happened so he can keep you close to him and you know it.

+8212881619145:
You sure have a lot of imagination ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
It was supposed to be a fucking joke

jeongguk:
mine’s not
you should improve your sexual performances instead of being a fucking child

taehyungie:
jeongguk stop

yoongi hyung:
he’s not the one who should stop, taehyung 

jeongguk:
it’s alright, let him take it out on me. 
he knows i’m right anyway

—

***

Taehyung is shaking by the time Seojoon takes his wrist with full force, he doesn’t miss this kind of behavior at all and it scares him to death because it brings back memories he no longer wants to revive, memories he wants to fucking forget. 

“What the fuck is Jeongguk talking about, Taehyung?” Seojoon asks, his face way too close to his and Taehyung turns his head away so Seojoon’s nose is pressed against his cheek. “What does it mean, huh?”

“Can you.. Can you calm down first, please?”

Seojoon chuckles. “Calm down? Did you cheat on me with your goddamn ex?”

Taehyung is terrified. Seojoon had never been like this, he never rises his voice at him or lays his hands on him, but right now they’re gripping his jaw tightly, not letting it go and Taehyung curses himself for thinking things were going well. 

And fuck Jeongguk for what is happening right now. 

“Please calm down first, hyung. Please.”

“First of all, you don’t get to tell me what to do. Secondly, you better speak before I do something I won’t even regret,” Seojoon says, his voice impossibly deeper, “Speak.”

Taehyung’s whole body trembles as Seojoon keeps tightening his grip on his jaw. Taehyung doesn’t speak, doesn’t want to tell him that he cheated on him with Jeongguk, can’t, but the fucker already told Seojoon that, implying it but Seojoon knows it’s true. Of course he does.

He literally called himself hyung as Seojoon  was giving head to him that one time, he fucking knows it is true indeed. 

“Was it the night I called you and you fucking cried? Were you crying because your fucking ex fucked you and then tossed you away? Isn’t it the truth, Taehyung?”

Taehyung gulps down as Seojoon’s eyes darken and fucking chuckles, his hand sliding down to his neck. Taehyung’s eyes widen and his heart starts racing at the thought of what could happen. Whatever is happening now is Jeongguk’s fault, because of course he just had to say it to prove a point, to prove that he is in fact better than Seojoon. Which it might be true, but was it necessary to say?

Now Taehyung has Seojoon on him, his back pressed hardly against the wall and Seojoon’s hand on his fucking neck.

When Taehyung doesn’t respond, Seojoon pushes him against the wall and his head hits it. The fucker keeps pushing him by the neck, pressing his body on Taehyung’s.

“You don’t really want to see what I can do when I’m mad, do you, little whore?” Seojoon speaks on his lips, his teeth sinking into Taehyung’s lower one, biting it until he feels blood on it and then pulls away, bringing his lower lips with him and spitting the blood on the ground once he release his lip.

Taehyung is fucking scared because something like this only happened with Jaehyun. The difference is that he was toxic since the beginning, he was fucking obsessed with Taehyung and took his chance to manipulate him once he broke up with Jeongguk. But Seojoon was doing better, so much better that Taehyung fucking began to fall for him and it hurts, to see such behavior from him when Seojoon treated him like he was worthy for two years.

Fucking Jeongguk. 

“I’m not a whore.”

“Aren’t you?” Seojoon asks, his grip starting to tighten around Taehyung’s neck and he tries his best to remain calm, to not provoke him any further. He tries to take his other hand but Seojoon yanks it away. “Doesn’t fucking your ex behind your boyfriend’s back make you one?” 

“I’m sorry.” Taehyung says, because there’s not use to lie when Seojoon knows it happened. He watched Taehyung’s eyes widen when Jeongguk’s message was delivered, he fucking laughed it off but Seojoon could tell Taehyung was nervous.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I just—I needed it. Him. And I’m sorry I cheated on you. I am. But—”

Seojoon chuckles as his grips tightens more. He has tears in his eyes and Taehyung feels an absolute shit about it, about making Seojoon cry. But he can’t bring himself to regret having sex with Jeongguk, he can’t when after everything that happened between them Jeongguk kept showing him how it feels to be loved. Loved like anything in the world matters more than doing it — loving him. And his heart aches because even if he felt it from Jeongguk, even if he felt loved by him, Taehyung couldn’t feel it fully coming from himself. He couldn’t feel fully all the love he has? had? for Jeongguk.

Because he thinks he loves Seojoon. Or is it better to say that he’s starting to realize he loves him? He doesn’t know anymore and it scares him because he believed that he would love Jeongguk forever.

“But what? You’re not a whore, you say?” Seojoon asks and suddenly Taehyung can’t breathe, Seojoon has both hands on his neck now, tightening his grip. His gaze is on his hands, tears are streaming down his face. Taehyung’s hand take Seojoon’s wrists, tries to shake them off, but Seojoon doesn’t care. He keeps chocking Taehyung and he’s sure by now he’s all red in the face but he still tries to take his hands away. Seojoon’s grip is too tight. Taehyung is sure it is going to leave fingertips behind.

”You fucking are, Taehyung. The worst I’ve ever fucking met. I’m fucking giving everything to you, I’m giving you my fucking heart and you play with it that way? Crawling back to your fucking ex the moment I leave for work? I already knew I didn’t satisfy you in bed and that might be because you aren’t attracted to me, and I get it, but how can you tell me I love you when you fucking cheated on me?”

Taehyung is crying by the time Seojoon stops talking, he keeps chocking him until Taehyung gets to shove him off, getting away from his grip. He brings one of his hands on his neck and caresses it, coughing before speaking. “I shouldn’t have cheated on you and I’m sorry to see you like this, hyung. Believe me. But after what I told you about Jaehyun you could’ve thought more before doing it. I’m not trapping—” He coughs again, “Myself into an abusive relationship. Not again. So please, don’t ever do that again.”

“Come here. I’m not done with you.”

***

Taehyung shakes his head and walks backwards so he’s near the front door and when Seojoon starts walking towards him, Taehyung opens the door and starts running as fast as he can. He doesn’t turn back the moment he exits his house, he hears Seojoon calling him and the moment he sees the older chasing him, Taehyung starts running faster, afraid of what more could happen.

He runs, runs and runs. Cries while he does. He’s sure the marks of Seojoon’s fingertips are visible but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t want to think about it. That’s why he enters the nearest and first convenience store he finds once he’s sure Seojoon is not behind him, walks with his head down and doesn’t even apologize for bumping into someone, not even when said someone takes his wrist. Taehyung doesn’t know who the fuck they are, doesn’t look up to see their face, he just yanks his wrist away. He keeps walking and takes some bottles of soju, pays for them and exits.

He goes to sit on a bench when someone takes his wrist and turns him towards themselves and when Taehyung looks up, he sees Jeongguk.

He scoffs and yanks his wrist away, walking away from him but he knows Jeongguk is following him. 

“What happened to your neck, hyung?” Jeongguk asks calmly. Taehyung chuckles and shakes his head. Bold of him to ask what happened when he can at least guess that it is his fault. 

“None of your business.”

“Tae. Please. Tell me what happened.”

Taehyung shakes his head and maybe he’s behaving like a child, but he doesn’t care. He takes one bottle of suju and opens it, drinking it as Jeongguk keeps looking at him, waiting. 

Taehyung coughs and clears his voice, caressing his neck slowly because it still hurts. He sits on the bench once he gets to and Jeongguk literally kneels in front of him, replacing Taehyung’s hand and caressing his neck. 

His heart aches because images of that one time Jeongguk came to visit with his mom and Jaehyun cut his throat flashes before his eyes, they ended up kissing once Jeongguk treated his wound and even if Taehyung could make the same mistake all over again, he doesn’t have the heart to.

His heart doesn’t ask him to do it anyway. For the first time in fourteen years, his heart doesn’t call Jeongguk’s name the way it used to.

What happened is Jeongguk’s fault.

“Please, hyung.”

“Fuck off,” Taehyung says, yanking his hand away from his neck. “I said none of your fucking business, Jeongguk. Let it go, yeah?” 

“I just want to help you, Taehyung.” Jeongguk says, coming closer to him and taking his wrist between his finger, caressing it. His gaze drops to it, watches as Jeongguk caresses his skin so gently, nothing compared to what Seojoon’s hand felt against his throat moments before.

“I don’t fucking need your help. What I need is to get the fuck away from you, Jeongguk. You ain’t good to me, not anymore.” Taehyung says and it hurts him to say it out loud, because he knows deep down it’s not true. He knows it. But if he wants to have something special with someone else, if he wants it to work out, he needs to get away from him. For good.

“Every fucking thing that I have becomes stained the moment I touch it. I fucking broke his heart because you couldn’t keep it to yourself that we slept together. You just had to say it to prove you’re better than him, didn’t you? Congratulations, Jeongguk. What happened to my neck is your fucking fault.”

He sees Jeongguk’s eyes widen and it breaks his heart a little more, because he’s making a big deal out of making Seojoon suffer but didn’t care about Jeongguk’s pain back then. He left him behind, he let Jaehyun make Jeongguk feel small, he fucking broke Jeongguk’s heart over and over again and he never did anything like what he’s doing now for Seojoon for him. And it hurts, because Jeongguk might be thinking about it, too.

“You can blame me all you want, I’ll take it. And I’m sorry for saying it, Tae. But he brought me and Jimin sleeping together up just to hurt you, and as fucked up as it sounds, I wanted him to hurt the same telling him about us. I’m sorry it escalated like that.” Jeongguk says, his fingers touching the reddened skin of his neck and Taehyung pulls away, he can’t have Jeongguk touching him. He fucking can’t. “I’m sorry he touched you in ways he shouldn’t have, Tae. But I don’t regret saying it.”

“I don’t care. You shouldn’t have said it.”

“Okay, then. Shall I remind you that the one who asked me to have sex was you?” Jeongguk asks, still looking at him like Taehyung is worth it all. And Taehyung is starting to hate it. “You wanted me, hyung. Of course I wanted you too, fuck, I’ll always want you. But the one who wanted so desperately to have me was you, you wanted and needed me at that time. I gave you that because I wanted and needed you just the same. You didn’t care about Seojoon when you asked me to have sex with you.”

Taehyung doesn’t answer because he can’t. Jeongguk is right, he asked him. It was Taehyung who wanted him so badly to really cheat on his partner, but still. He could have kept it as a secret.

Right?

“Do you love Seojoon?” Jeongguk asks to break the silence between them, his gaze drops to the shopping bags he has and then shifts it back to Taehyung, smiles at him. “I mean — do you love him now? Because If you say you do, then I’m stepping aside. I’m not coming between the two of you anymore. I’ll stop coming back to you every time. Just say you love him and I’ll take it.”

Taehyung gulps down and nods. “I do.”

He sees Jeongguk nodding, a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes adorning his face, he tries to hide the way his eyes glimmer, turns around to give Taehyung his back surely to wipe his tears and after four years, he shouldn’t have such power over Jeongguk. Not after everything he did to him. 

Taehyung pretends he doesn’t hear Jeongguk’s broken voice once he speaks again.  “Okay, hyung. It’s good that you can finally admit it to yourself. I’m sorry if I ruined something between the two of you, but I can’t let you return home to Seojoon now. He might hurt you and I won’t forgive myself if he touches you again. I’ll call Yoongi hyung, alright?”

Taehyung sighs and nods.

It’s going to be a very long summer ahead of them and Taehyung doesn’t know by the end of it how things will go. He just keeps fucking up everything he has and seeing Jeongguk for three months straight surely isn’t going to help him.

At the end of May Seojoon has to go to Europe for a few filming and will return by September. And he desperately needs to be on good terms before he leaves because Taehyung can’t handle another abusive and controlling relationship.

Taehyung isn’t strong enough. And this time, the one to blame is the person who Taehyung will always love the most in his entire life, currently giving him his back, talking with Yoongi by the phone. 

And as he looks at him, Taehyung wishes he never left. 

—

“What happened?” Jimin asks once he and Taehyung enter their house, the older has a bottle of soju clutching around his hand, Jeongguk tried to take it away but Taehyung doesn’t listen to him.

He knows Taehyung is pissed off and it’s his fault, but Jeongguk doesn’t want him to hurt himself. Although it hurts to see with his eyes how concerned he is about hurting Seojoon, he doesn’t want him to be in more pain.