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10
[An unfocused figure appears on the screen.]
“Hi, future Yoohyun-ie!”
[There is a blur of movement, presumably, the waving of the speaker’s hand.]
“Since Eomma and Appa aren’t home this Christmas, Hyung wanted to make an extra special gift. This is the first time that it’s you and me, so I thought lots and lots about what to do. Nothing seemed right though.”
[Another movement, presumably a shrug.]
“I went through the house, and it turns out we have a lot of stuff I forgot about. Like your old crib, right here!”
[The figure moves towards the camera. The screen shakes as it is lifted, pointing at a brown blur briefly before it is set down again to face the speaker.]
“I went through our old things for sooo long before I finally found this camera! So from now on, I’m gonna use it to take lots and lots of pictures and videos together!”
[Another movement, presumably a pose.]
“Don’t worry, Yoohyun-ie! Hyung will be sure to get all of your good sides! So just grow up healthy and happy, okay?”
[Yoojin claps his hands together briefly.]
“Happy birthday, Yoohyun-ie!”
-
11
“Hi, Yoohyun-ie…”
[Yoojin is clearly visible this time, grinning at the camera sheepishly from where he sits on the opposite end of his bed.]
“I didn’t realize the camera wasn’t working properly last year… But it’s ok! I did it properly this time!”
[He flashes the camera a cheeky peace sign.]
“I made good on my promise too! Look!”
[Yoojin lifts up an album, flicking through the pages briefly. Every page contains pictures of Yoohyun, sometimes of the same action, but at different angles.]
“I think this is one of my favorites though.”
[Yoojin snickers as he stops on a shot of a disgruntled Yoohyun, staring directly into the camera with soulless eyes.]
“There’s just something really charming about this one. Maybe it’s how squishy your face looks.”
[Tilting his head to stare at the picture, Yoojin ponders.]
“I have a lot of favorites actually. Like this picture of you, sneezing in Santa’s arms! Or this one, with Eomma and Appa! Or this one, here…”
[The video goes on for five hours, with Yoojin flipping back and forth as he provides commentary on each incident, before it finally cuts out.]
-
12
“Yoohyun-ie! Hi, again!”
[Yoojin waves at the camera.]
“You started school this year! It was… really weird at first, honestly. But well, I hope you were able to make good memories to carry on with you as you grow older. Maybe you’ll forget as you grow older, just like I forgot about your crib until I rewatched the first video. It’s… weird, thinking about how you’re growing up and changing. Really weird.”
[Yoojin makes a face.]
“I didn’t like being older and leaving you at home to go to school. I wanted to go back to not having school. But when you started going to school this year, I didn’t like that either. I got worried about whether you're getting along with the other kids well or not.”
[He crosses his arms, pouting.]
“They’d better! Yoohyun-ie is the best! The smartest and the sweetest brother ever!”
[He puffs up, as if about to go on a rant, before deflating.]
“Wait, I can’t make the same mistake as last time… Last time, the battery ran out before I could say it.”
[He glares at the camera, as if challenging it to die again.]
“Well, this time, I’ll say it before it gets a chance to shut down! Happy Birthday, Yoohyun!”
[He grins, about to turn off the camera, before speaking up hastily.]
“Oh, and Merry Christmas!”
-
13
[This time, Yoojin doesn’t speak up right away. He stares at the camera pensively, his lips parting as if to speak, before pressing together firmly.]
“Hrm… Well, first of all, hi Yoohyun-ie!”
[Yoojin shakes his head, giving the camera a bright grin.]
“Hyung was thinking really hard about whether to talk about Eomma and Appa. Well, the older you can probably guess what this is about. Right now though… I’m glad you’re not really sad about them being gone. I just wish they were here more often. That way, we can go explore other places that I can’t walk you to.”
[He spreads his fingers, putting each one down with every location he names.]
“The beach, the mountains, Jeju Island, maybe another country? There’s lots and lots of places to go and a lot of things to see!”
[Yoojin smiles.]
“When I grow older, I’ll make sure to bring you anywhere you want to go! You can trust in your Hyung, as always!”
-
14
“Yoohyun-ie!”
[Yoojin grins and waves at the camera. There’s a slight strain to his smile.]
“It’s our first year without seeing Eomma and Appa at all. I miss them a lot, honestly. Ah, but this isn’t about them!”
[Yoojin shakes his head.]
“I wonder if you’re thinking about them even now? Whenever now is. It’s probably tough for future you, isn’t it? But don’t worry! Hyung is here! Past Hyung, Present Hyung, and Future Hyung! Hopefully, at least.”
[He snickers to himself, whispering about “Ghosts of Christmas” under his breath.]
“Aaaanyways. Since I’m figuring out more stuff about the “adult-y life” and “adult-y business”—”
[He cuts himself off to scowl at a pile of papers. The top page of handwritten notes is titled “How to File Tax Returns”.]
“— I’ve been getting busier and busier. Which means less time to spend with you — which should be a crime, by the way! — but, still it’s important. And necessary.”
[He grins sheepishly at the camera, scratching his neck.]
“I hope you can forgive me for that, haha. I know it’s probably really tough for you too, when I show up instead of Eomma and Appa for everything. I wish they could be here.”
[He hesitates.]
“But… it’s okay. We still have each other.”
[He grins.]
“You’ll always have Hyung on your side.”
-
15
“Hi Yoohyun-ie.”
[The teenager Han Yoojin waves tiredly at the camera, clearly exhausted, yet not unhappy.]
“How are you doing? I hope you’re doing well.”
[He pauses. Scowls.]
“I don’t regret it.”
[He juts out his lip petulantly.]
“If older you is gonna say anything like “Hyung shouldn’t work! He’s just a kid!” well. I hear it enough, okay?”
[He shifts uncomfortably.]
“I don’t…”
[He sighs.]
“I wish I could at least tell you that it was a hard decision. But it really wasn’t. Because between you and me, it’s always been you. I’ll always take care of you. You’re my little brother, even if you’re taller than me in the future. Not that that’ll happen.”
[A pause.]
“I know it’s hypocritical. If it were the other way around, I wouldn’t accept it at all. And I know it’s not fair to you… but I’m not fair, and I’m older, so.”
[Yoojin winces, as if realizing the half-joke fell flat.]
“Urgh… what I’m trying to say is that…”
[He swallows.]
“Don’t ever blame yourself, okay? I’m doing these things for you because I want to, not because I feel obligated to or something. I really don’t mind giving up my education. But you can’t. You’re not allowed to. Just saying.”
[Yoojin shifts his weight from left to right, crossing his arms and uncrossing them, before he finally sighs.]
“It’s not like I try to make any of these videos so heavy on purpose! It just happens.”
[He hesitates.]
“You’re just growing so big, and… every time, when it’s time to record these, it really hits me. Like… you know. It’s the end of the year, and I just… I think about every little thing that’s happened and try to talk about it all at once, but it never comes out right.”
[He huffs.]
“I don’t want to talk so long that I kill the camera again, but somehow, I feel like even if I try to talk about everything, there will never be enough words to say what I want to say.”
[Yoojin pauses.]
“Well. Actually, that’s a bit of a lie.”
[He grins cheekily. The heavy eyebags darkening his eyes seem to lighten.]
“Happy Birthday, Yoohyun-ie. Merry Christmas. I love you!”
-
16
“Yoohyun-ie!”
[Yoojin waves at the camera. This time, he seems to be in the kitchen, going back to cooking as he speaks.]
“Sorry for multitasking. I always try to set aside time for these videos, but it just got really hectic this time around.”
[He lowers the flame to let the beef cook in the pot and switches to making kimchi, picking up each cabbage leaf and spreading kimchi paste one by one.]
“Maybe when we get older, you’ll be the one cooking for me someday. Ah, but I won’t let you do everything of course! I’ll teach you the basics before I let you do anything like hold a knife.”
[He smirks teasingly at the camera.]
“I know it might seem like I’m babying you sometimes, but ahh, I really can’t help it! You’ll always be my baby brother, and I’ll always want to take care of you. Probably even when you get married when you’re older and eventually leave to go somewhere else. Bweh.”
[Yoojin makes a face.]
“But you know? Even when it’s tough, I never hated doing it. Walking you to school and back, working long hours, heck, even cooking like this? It’s a lot of work, but I like doing it if it means you get to live your best life.”
[Yoojin pauses and sighs.]
“I feel weird. I don’t even know. I just get so talkative to the camera. I’d never say some of these things to you in person, but it’s like… knowing these words will reach you someday, and not having to say them outright… I guess it breaks some barriers down. Or something.”
[Yoojin frowns.]
“It is hard to think about what to say sometimes though. I don’t like doing retakes or planning it out since it’ll feel — I don’t know, less real? But at the same time it means that I have to guess what we’ll be doing in the future… If you’re doing okay, if you’re feeling happy, or sad, or — wait. Wait a sec.”
[Yoojin sniffs the air. He pales drastically, shucking off his gloves.]
“Aw shoot, it’s burning!”
-
17
“Heh. Hi Yoohyun-ie!”
[Yoojin snickers a bit more, before attempting to calm himself down.]
“It’s a little funny to look back at these sometimes. You’d think that on Christmas, it’d just be a relatively normal day. But no, sometimes the camera dies, or it’s blurry, or I burn the food, whoops! But you’ll never know until I either tell you or whenever you watch the videos. And actually…”
[He gestures to the photo album.]
“While I do enjoy printing these out and only taking videos of the really really important events in our lives, it might get a little out of hand. So, as you might have already guessed, I backed them all up online!”
[Yoojin puffs up a little.]
“I wrote down the e-mail address and password here. I think that well, since you’re going to middle school next year, I’ll finally hand over all of these videos to you. Wait, do I even need to describe it to you if I’m already going to tell you in person?”
[He pauses, disgruntled.]
“Well, in any case. I’m going to miss seeing you in your primary school uniform. You looked so cute in it! Ah, but you’re still going to pull off your secondary school uniform, so I guess it’s not all that bad. You’re going to look older and more mature too…”
[Yoojin’s eyes get suspiciously watery.]
“You’re growing up so fast…”
[He wipes at his face with his sleeve, giving the camera a smile that comes off as somewhat of a grimace due to his scrunched face.]
“Happy birthday, Yoohyun-ie.”
[The video catches a hiccup before it ends.]
-
18
“Hi, Yoohyun-ie!”
[Yoojin is speaking in a stage whisper, but it does not hide his enthusiasm. Based on the towel rack, the camera is placed on the bathroom counter.]
“I had to wake up early again to record this. I dunno, but I just got the feeling that I wouldn’t be able to record at all for the rest of the day. Though, I guess that’s also because we’re going to do a lot of things today.”
[Yoojin strikes a pose.]
“Your Hyung here has saved up a lot of money to finally have a decent splurge on you! Without skipping meals or payments or anything! You can be extra proud of your Hyung this time!”
[Yoojin grins. It freezes on his face when the camera picks up a muffled voice.]
“What. Why are you awake.”
[Yoojin gives a strained grin to the camera, before yelling offscreen.]
“I’m in the bathroom! Be out in a sec!”
[He turns to the camera frantically.]
“Bye Yoohyun-ie! I love you, take care, I’llseeyounextyear!”
-
19
“Yoohyun-ie!”
[Yoojin grins wearily at the camera.]
“Wow. This year is the first time I get to lord over you as an adult. Honestly, it doesn’t feel like much has changed at all. But well. Everything sort of does, I guess.”
[He sighs.]
“The world doesn’t stop spinning or waiting for people to catch up. So I just have to kick myself into gear a lot, you know? Ah, but if it were possible, Hyung would definitely make the world stop if you got stuck and needed time to catch up, you know? Hyung can do anything, if it’s for Yoohyun-ie!”
[He jokingly flexes at the camera. Then his smile breaks, and he sighs.]
“But you know… I don’t know how some people do it. Living and growing up and being an adult, I guess.”
[He makes a face.]
“I mean, I managed to do it, but I’m not normal. I don’t think kids usually learn how to pay bills instead of study under their parents household. I mean, I’m not complaining! Well, I am. But even though I’ll be with you every step of the way, I just… I dunno. I worry.”
[He sighs again, for the third time.]
“Looks like most of being an adult is just being a worrywart, huh? But still…”
[He finally manages to let a real smile show on his face.]
"Happy birthday, Yoohyun-ie. I'll always love you."
-
20
“Hi Yoohyun-ie!”
[Yoojin waves at the camera.]
“I’m 20 now; can you believe it? It’s been a decade since I first started these videos. It really feels like time flies by.”
[Yoojin sighs fondly.]
“Many things happened over the years, and sometimes, it honestly doesn’t feel real. Everyday, you’re getting bigger and stronger and smarter. I just… I want you to know that I’m so proud of you, every single day.”
[He pauses.]
“Wait, I think this is a little too similar to last year’s video. Have to make it different somehow…”
[He grins wickedly.]
“Maybe I’ll have to do something crazier in the next video. Something that will embarrass you for life.”
[Yoojin laughs unabashedly.]
“Ah, but still, I love you! You’ll always be my baby brother, and I’m never going to let you forget it!”
-
21
“Hello~ Yoohyun-ie!”
[The camera focuses on a reindeer. A human-shaped reindeer. Who… waves at the camera with a hoof?]
“Listen, listen. I was going to do something else. Like print out your face on an ugly Christmas sweater, or something. But I thought this would be funnier!”
[Yoojin spins around awkwardly and strikes a pose.]
“I wasn’t able to get a picture of you in your sixth grade play, and I thought it’d be funny to make a callback to it. And no, I am not ashamed. I will never be ashamed when it comes to messing around with you.”
[Yoojin cackles.]
“Oh man, you’re not ready for this. Because you know what? Even though I don’t have a video of your play, I have the script~!”
[He points his hoof offscreen.]
“Ahem, ahem~ So even though you’re not home at the moment because I made you run off to pick up our food, you will not be spared of any shame, and you are not here to stop me!”
[He presses his hoof on his phone. Somehow, it registers his tap, and starts playing a very cheesy Christmas song.]
“And without further ado~”
[He proceeds to sing, intentionally loudly and off-key in a childish manner.]
-
22
“Yoohyun-ie! Look what I have~!”
[Yoojin grins at the camera evilly. It zooms out to reveal a garish Christmas sweater. In the center is a picture of Yoohyun with his face scrunched up mid-sneeze.]
“I am very excited for when you wake up. You’re going to hate me so much.”
[He stifles the snickers struggling to burst out of his chest.]
“I don’t even know how I managed to snap a picture of this, but I did. Yes, it’s the one you whined at me to delete when we were at the café… and as you can see here, no, I did not delete it.”
[He manages to hold a straight face for a second, before laughing hysterically. He quiets down when a muffled voice speaks up.]
“One sec!”
[Yoojin turns back to the camera with a menacing grin.]
“I love you, Yoohyun-ie~!”
[His joking coos do not erase the mischievous twitch in the corner of his lips. This time, the camera is hidden away in a drawer instead of being turned off immediately. Shrieks and cackles can be heard faintly.]
-
23
Yoohyun leaves.
He takes Yoojin’s happiness with him, leaving only anger and confusion behind.
That Christmas, there was no video.
-
24
"Hello, Yoohyun-ie."
[Yoojin tries to smile at the camera. His lips curve into a shape just barely there, worn and weary with the slightest hint of bitterness.]
"I hope… I hope you're happy. I know no one could have ever predicted the appearance of dungeons, but… you'll be okay. It's you, Yoohyun-ie. You're strong. You've always been amazing, and I know that five years later, you'll be shining as brightly as ever."
[Yoojin coughs in an attempt to hide the waver in his voice, blinking rapidly.]
"I'm… getting a little sentimental, hm? I just… I don't know what's going through your mind right now. Why you suddenly… left like that. Why you told me those things like I was just a stranger. I really… I really don't get it, Yoohyun-ie."
[Yoojin laughs. It rasps in his throat, without humor in its inflection.]
"I hope things are better between us, by then. I miss you Yoohyun-ie."
[Silence.]
"Yoohyun-ah… this is the first time you're celebrating without me. Are you happy? Did you make lots of friends? Hyung always wants to know about you."
[Yoojin smiles wryly.]
"I'm always worried about you, and you can laugh all you want in the future, where we're hopefully… hopefully brothers again because 'Hyung worries too much,' but really… hah…"
[Yoojin shakes his head.]
"I'm sorry. It's your birthday. I should be happier, yeah? Happy birthday, Yoohyun-ie. I'll always love you. Come home soon, okay?"
-
25
I should’ve known better .
Yoojin scowls, hobbling on his broken leg to dispose of that stupid camera.
His stupid leg gives in on him halfway there, and he tumbles down to the ground.
Down, down, down, in a flurry of limbs and misery.
Yoojin lays there for a while.
That Christmas, there was no video.
-
26
Yoojin finds the camera again.
There’s a sense of nostalgia, a little bit of longing in his chest that he thought was buried in the last few years of awful reporters and awful hunters.
He doesn’t know how or why, but there’s a sudden urge to rewatch the videos.
[An unfocused figure appears on the screen.]
It’s just the video that’s blurry.
“Hi, future Yoohyun-ie!”
It’s just the video. He ignores the warmth running down his cheeks.
“Since Eomma and Appa aren’t home this Christmas, Hyung wanted to make an extra special gift. This is the first time that it’s you and me, so I thought lots and lots about what to do. Nothing seemed right though.”
It’s stupid.
“I went through the house, and it turns out we have a lot of stuff I forgot about. Like your old crib, right here!”
So many things, forgotten and discarded once there was no more for them… useless, just like your Hyung, huh? Yoohyun .
“I went through our old things for sooo long before I finally found this camera! So from now on, I’m gonna use it to take lots and lots of pictures together!”
He grits his teeth.
“Don’t worry, Yoohyun-ie! Hyung will be sure to get all of your good sides! So just grow up healthy and happy, okay?”
Bitter, angry, hating , he throws the camera onto the ground.
It shatters.
He pretends that pieces of him didn’t shatter along with it.
Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Han Yoohyun.
That Christmas, there was no video.
-
27
He can’t bring himself to even look at the computer, the one where he had faithfully uploaded all of his videos to the e-mail every single year.
Yoohyun… why?
That Christmas, there was no video.
-
28
Yoojin stares through the bars, hollow-eyed at the partying guild members.
Ah. I understand now .
That Christmas, there was no video.
-
29
You don’t need me anymore, do you? Yoohyun-ie.
Yoojin laughs mockingly, bitter and alone.
That Christmas, there was no video.
-
30
It’s snowing.
A white bird flies through the starry river of the sky, past the countless hopes and dreams birthed and discarded, past the infinitely expanding galaxy, past the branches and stories of the white, white tree.
Pale feathers spread wide in silent flight.
One who sees everything may see nothing at all.
The slightest glimpse of red, the slightest bit of a bump amongst an expanse of white, white, white.
A flame is buried beneath the snowdrift, missing his heart from a time, both so long ago, yet not so long at all.
Branches spread ever further, dying ever so slowly.
It’s snowing.
-
EX
Yoohyun sits on his bed in the corner of his dark room, exhausted from the day’s festivities. Smiles and laughter and the strangeness of everything that should make him happy leaves him hollow instead, wishing for the home he discarded.
Anything, to protect Hyung.
An ache in his chest makes him feel human, instead of the monster his Hyung finally knows he is.
Hyung would never give up on him.
In the privacy of his room, isn’t it okay to be selfish? Just a bit?
Why can’t Hyung just stay safe?
He opens his phone, clutching it with a desperate fervor.
It’s so cold
He goes to his email.
So lonely
Opens the folder.
Hyung…
“Hi, future Yoohyun-ie!”
Welcome home, he thinks to himself.