Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I don’t want to be a burden to you. You should be free, to do whatever you want.” Shu Yi means what he says, Shi De had so much potential, there were so many things he could do, and instead the man is stuck by Shu Yi’s side. 

“What I want to do? What I want, is to be next to you, no matter how high you climb, I’ll always be there.”

“I don’t mind you doing that, but do you have to be this close?” He joked as he looked at Shi De, as if in a dare. The urge to compete always present, it’s a part of who they were and Shu Yi never thinks they’d stop. Not that he would want them to stop. 

“You turned around by yourself.” Shi De says in a voice that's half chastising, half-fond and a eye-roll that isn't really scolding him. At least not too much.  

“Did I?” Shu Yi replies cheekily and turns to look outside the window again, secretly pleased by the small annoyed sound in Shi De’s voice. 

He feels Shi De’s arm around him, strong and safe, he never knew he could miss something so much. Weeks ago, he wasn't sure he wanted to forgive Shi De, but once again Shi De had won him over. He lets himself be pulled into an embrace and exhales into the crooks of Shi De’s neck; he can feel the stress leave his body, slowly, inch by inch, to be replaced by a feeling of calm. 

“You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. It’s going to fine. I’m here.”

Shi De's hold is like a safe cocoon, and Shu Yi says nothing.

“I am here.”

When Shu Yi lifts up his head to look around the office, it is thoroughly empty except for Shu Yi himself. There’s no Gao Shi De to pull him in, telling him everything is going to be alright. There’s only the desk where he's sitting, the desk he once pushed Shi De against in a fit of anger; when Shi De had be gone for five years and he couldn’t understand why he’d still feel the same for Shi De. He can feel moisture around the corner of his eyes.

Tears.

They are threatening to fall, but Shu Yi breathes and he blinks them back.

He could have changed offices (it has been his own choice to continue working here), he could have changed the office building too. There were no reason they couldn’t move, there were no reason for him to stay here, in this exact location, at the main office of the first company Shi De had created. He could have moved on to a different company after the takeover. He could have worked less. Spent more time with Shi De. 

A knock on the door alerts him, pulls him from his reverie. He clears his throat: “come in.”

“Boss, is that everything for today?” Zhe Yu asks.

He has pushed open the glass doors slightly ajar, and he is peeking through the opening. Though Shu Yi couldn’t see him, he knows Bing Wei would be right on Zhe Yu’s tail, probably hiding out of sight on purpose.

Shu Yi puts up a smile: the professional, polite one he knows would put their mind at ease, the way it has done so many times before. Yet, the neutral look that was on Zhe Yu’s face changes, it’s gone in seconds to be replaced by the old familiar worrying look he’s seen so many times before. Shu Yi pushes his emotions aside. Sometimes, having Zhe Yu and Bing Wei as his closest confidants in the company reminds him too much of a past that’s long gone, a past he should have let go. He's got years of experience now to separate the people who were only after a name on their CVs as a stepping stone towards their next career move and the people who'd be loyal to the company itself. Sadly, that ratio never worked out to the company's favor, which is why he's still keeping those two on board so many years after. There's also no denying that they are both great at what they do. For Shu Yi who always had troubles trusting people, that's the best he could ask for.

“No, it’s fine, you two go ahead, I need to finish this.” He waves the man off, tries a little harder to smile in an attempt to convince the other. 

“Shu Yi, when was the last time you slept at home?” the voice is softer, the professional tone gone; Zhe Yu is no longer Shu Yi’s employee, but a friend who knows him all too well. 

Home.

It sounds so strange to him now, so foreign, like he knew what the word meant once, but not anymore.

Shu Yi puts a stop to the train of thought and coughs. He knows Zhe Yu means well, but he’s sick of them pitying on him. He doesn’t want, nor need their pity, that’s not what they are there for and sometimes Shu Yi thinks these two idiots need a reminder of that. So before Zhe Yu can say anything more, he fires back: 

“No, I don’t want to hear Bing Wei complain about missing out on your date again when Monday comes. Go. Just go easy on him okay? You know he’s been pursuing you all these years.” 

That should do the trick. Shu Yi doesn’t mean to be mean, but he wants to shift the focus away from himself and Bing Wei is Zhe Yu’s weak spot, even though the man would never admit it. Shu Yi smirks a little when he sees a slight red tint spread on Zhe Yu’s face, telling Shu Yi he is right. Zhe Yu fumbles a little in his otherwise perfect poise, and a small ooof can be heard from behind him. Shu Yi almost feels sorry for Bing Wei, always getting caught in the line of crossfire in one way or other, from the pranks he pulled on Shu Yi to getting attached to Zhe Yu for this many years. Shu Yi never understood why Bing Wei puts up with it.

Perhaps that’s what love is.

“See you on Monday then,” Zhe Yu says before he closes the door shut, and Shu Yi can hear bickering fading away.

He mentally shakes his head and breathes, he can finally relax and he turns his attention to the computer screen. Technically speaking, he doesn’t have to finish this before next week. Technically speaking, he doesn’t even have to do this part of the work—they have well-paid programmers on the team far more suitable for this job than he is, but work is the only thing he knows, and so work he does. The next time he looks up from the monitor, the sun had long set and the skyline outside his window was dark except for the city lights. 

He decides to take a break and walks over to the window. 

Gao Shi De always adored the view of this office.

“You know, we could change locations, now that the money have come through,” Shu Yi suggested casually as he flips the papers in his hand 
“Get a better location, bigger offices, the works,” he continues.
“What’s wrong with this office?” Shi De asks without looking up from his monitor.
“Nothing, I just thought…”
“I like this one.”

Shu Yi stares at the bridge through the window glass. Of course Shi De loved this office.

He sighs as he prepares to leave for the night.

Carelessly, he stuffs his things in his bag, making ready to leave for the night. Out of habit, he scrolls his social media when he picks up his phone.

“Entrepreneur Gao Shi De wins innovator award.”

Shu Yi stops in his movements and stares at the picture that fills up his phone screen. It shows Shi De in a pristine suit, bowing as someone is giving him the award. 

Shu Yi feels like he can’t breathe, the tears threatening to return, he can feel them clouding his vision. That deep blue had always been Shi De’s best colour, and something tugs at the corners of Shu Yi’s heart. The years gone by hasn’t diminshed his beauty, only added to it. Shi De looked healthy, and and… happy. There’s a glow to him, a glow Shu Yi hasn’t seen in years. He wonders what (or who) the reason for that is.

Tap tap tap. 

The green call button glows enticingly and Shu Yi’s finger hovers over it, like an drug addicts staring at that bag of white powder, knowing the bliss he’d feel after taking it.

(He should have deleted the number.)

“You’ve reached Gao Shide’s voice mail, please leave a message after the beep.”

The high-pitched beep jolts him out of his trance and he taps the end call button as fast as he can, his movements are frantic as he taps on it repeatedly, as if that would hang up the phone faster.

Finally the call disconnects, the screen goes back to home. Shu Yi lets out a sigh of relief.

He locks it, then in a brusque move, throws the phone on the desk, where it lands with a loud clank. It bounces, but Shu Yi can't bring himself to care if it fell to the floor and broke to pieces. After a second, the phone settles on the desk, face down. He slumps against the backrest of his office chair, and rubs his fingers against his temple, trying to fight back a headache that he’s been ignoring for the past two days.

“You and I. It's time to put a stop to it.”
“Gao Shi De, why are you suddenly doing this?”
“Didn’t I already tell you? It’s time to go our separate ways. I have my plans, you have yours.”
“That’s not a reason. Do you believe in your own words?” "What does it matter? What matters is that this is the last stop for you and me.”
“When… when did you make that decision? Is it because what my father said? Because if it is—”
“No. It’s about me. I made the decision long time ago. I should have ended it a long time ago.”
“I thought… I thought you brought me here because you couldn’t let go either, like me.”
“Don’t be silly. I brought you here to tell you that we should end things where it began.” 

Shu Yi opens his eyes, unaware he’d closed them. The words haunt him, they are as fresh and crisp as they were said yesterday, and the memories keep replaying in his mind like scenes from a movie he once watched in a theater a life time ago, but could never forget. It’s as if no matter what he does or where he goes, everything circles back to that person.

Gao Shi De.

For a moment, Shu Yi contemplates on what to do. He barely stayed at the apartment nowadays, either he’ll work so late that he fall asleep on the couch in the office, or he’ll drink himself senseless at a bar and fall asleep in some stranger’s bed. The apartment reminded him too much of Shi De, or perhaps even more so, the lack thereof. It is too cold, too empty, too lifeless; it doesn’t have Shi De’s laughter, the smell of his cooking, the feeling of home. Or maybe it isn’t the smell of his cooking Shu Yi misses, perhaps it isn’t the way Shi De would take care of everything, or the way he used to cater to Shu Yi’s every need even before Shu Yi had known them himself. He’s always been surrounded by nannies, servants and drivers since the day he was born, there were always people in his life to take care and attend to any needs of his daily life, people coming and leaving was a norm in his life. It shouldn’t make a difference. It had never made a difference.

But it had made a difference.

Shu Yi doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to remember it. 

He could have sold the apartment and moved into one that doesn’t remind him of Shi De. He could have sold this company building. There were a lot of things he could have done and probably should have done. He supposes most people would have. 

Start over; because it would be the right thing to do—the smart thing to do. 

But this is all he had left. The memories of days bygone, of a another life. 

It was as if Shi De had carved out a space for himself in Shu Yi’s universe, and then took all of that with him when he walked out the door, leaving behind an void.

Perhaps Zhe Yu and Bing Wei’s isn’t completely out of bounds to worry about him. After all, Zhe Yu was there during their high school years, he knew first hand the obsession Gao Shi De went through, he was there that first time they were separated, when Shu Yi couldn’t eat or sleep for months and they had to drag him from bars. Shu Yi struggles to keep the headache at bay, knowing Zhe Yu would scold him for causing that himself by not sleeping enough.

How can he sleep? How can he tell them that, whenever he closes his eyes at night he’d see Gao Shi De. Shi De’s eyes, hard as stone. Shi De’s voice, cold and sharp as ice shards, a part of Shi De he had never seen before. It’s not the Gao Shi De he knew, it’s not the Gao Shi De he remembered.

How could he tell them, he was afraid? 

Knowing that, whenever he climbs into the bed, the emptiness of it reminds him of the void, a dark matter of nothing is eating away at him from the inside.

How could he tell them, how empty, how dull everything felt.

He couldn’t.

Suddenly, Shu Yi realises he doesn’t want to go back to the apartment today. He doesn’t want to deal with all the memories, but when he gets up to leave he lifts his head up, he looks right into the glass doors, and just like that, he’s thrown back, back. Back to the time when Shi De used to sit in the chair he’s now sitting in, to the time when he’d come back from the countless board meetings and find Shi De’s typing away at the keyboard, brow furrowed, back to the time when they’d grab a taxi and he’d lean on Shi De’s shoulder in the backseat, their fingers intertwined and Shi De’s fingers rubbing soothing circles on Shu Yi’s hand with his thumb. 

And when they arrived home, their home, Shu Yi would almost always have fallen asleep, and Shi De would carry him to their bed; tucking him in under the covers. 

A bed that’s no longer theirs.

A home that’s no longer their home. 

Home. It’s such a strange and empty word now.

No, he’s not going back to that place tonight.

Chapter Text

One day, Zhe Yu corners him, Bing Wei right on his tail, as always. It was quiet in the office that day, the others had left early for the long weekend. He realises they planned this.

“Shu Yi, how long has it been? Four years?” It’s not a new question, it’s one he’s heard many many times before. Shu Yi is well aware where Zhe Yu is going with this opening.

“Three years, four months and fifteen days.” Shu Yi replies without hesitation.

Shu Yi watches as Zhe Yu’s mouth falls open, like he didn’t expect such an answer and Shu Yi curses under his breath. He gave away too much.

Zhe Yu clears his throat, and gracefully jumps over it: “Look, it’s just that Bing Wei and I, we worry about you. Last time—”

Shu Yi interrupts him. “I remember what happened last time, I was there.”

“You can’t go on like this, you know he’s not coming back. Not this time.”

“I know.”

Zhe Yu sighs, and Shu Yi wavers a little. He leans back in his chair and he stretches out a hand. Absentmindedly he spins the pen lying in front of him on the desk. For a moment, the office is quiet except for the sounds of the pen spinning and three people breathing.

Then the words come. Slowly, stuttering; like they’re fighting their out of out his lips.

“You know, it feels like there are two kinds of people in this world. The ones who are able to move on easily from things. Break ups, the loss of a pet, someone’s death, and then there are the ones that descend into some sort of endless misery.”

“Maybe what you need is to get out there, meet someone new.” It’s not the first time Zhe Yu had suggested something like this, in fact, Shu Yi was expecting it.

He blinks and he’s back in the infirmary at high-school, their senior year.

“Actually, the best way to get over a heartbreak is to fall in love again.”

Shu Yi knew Shi De didn’t mean for him to find out about the crush and Shu Yi didn’t mean for Shi De to find out he found out (at least not at first), but as the truth was laid bare before them then, they were both forcing themselves to keep their composure. He didn’t know it himself yet, but slowly and quietly Shi De had won him over; he was falling head over heels for Shi De, the realisation hitting him like that good old freight train, but instead of it crashing into him, he somehow managed to hop on it in time.

Shu Yi blinks again, and he’s back in the office.

It’s not Shi De in front of him, but Zhe Yu, eyes full of that same worry. Bing Wei is standing next to him, a little awkward. Shu Yi sometimes to think that Bing Wei is a bit like a lost puppy, following his master around. And now this big puppy has his eyebrows furrowed, his gaze wandering between Zhe Yu and Shu Yi, looking like he wants to say something but isn't sure if it would be welcomed and Shu Yi knows not of all that is Bing Wei worrying about him.

It’s kind of an irony how these two has stuck together for all these years, he muses.

He thinks about the nights he can’t sleep, or; when he doesn’t allow himself to sleep because whenever he did, all he dreams of is Shi De. And when he sees Shi De, it’s as if everything is alright again, it’s as if the empty void suddenly is no longer empty, it’s like the sweetest relief imaginable to a person, as if he was grieving someone who died but they came back to life in his dreams, and the dreams are no longer dreams but instead real life because that’s how real the dreams feels. And in his dreams, Shi De never broke up with him. In his dreams, Shi De smiles and chastises him for working too much, and in his dreams, Shi De stretches out his arms and wants to pull Shu Yi in for a hug, the way he always did. But Shu Yi always forces himself to wake up before Shi De pulls him in, he never allows himself to move forward and walk into Shi De’s embrace. He’s terrified that it’s a trap his brain conjured up, a fantasy world that would trap him forever if he gave into it. Sometimes he wonders if that’s normal.

He exhales. It seems like he never got off that train.

Finally, he agrees to let Zhe Yu set him up with a date. Not necessarily because he wants to meet someone, but because he can see how his friends are worried for him and he wants to ease their mind.

“Ah, really?!”

The surprised smile on Zhe Yu’s face is enough for Shu Yi. To know that he perhaps for once since this thing happened he had made the right decision.

But as he’s here, at the restaurant, the few ah’s and um’s nowhere enough to drown out the silence in the stilted conversation—Shu Yi does wonder what he’s got himself into. His date keeps talking about a merger of a company he’s about to close the deal on, and Shu Yi knows he’s supposed to show interest in the topic—it’s what his job is about, after all—but he can’t seem to feign interest even if he wants to.

“So what do you do? Zhe Yu tells me you’re a CEO and I was surprised at first.”

“Yes, my father took over this company from my ex—”

Shu Yi stops himself mid-sentence. He might be a workaholic, he might be inexperienced in the dating scene, but even he knows you aren’t supposed to talk about your ex on a first date. However, it seems that anything he talks about begins with a story of Gao Shi De, and he frowns. What were you supposed to talk about in a setting like this? Shu Yi doesn’t know. What even was his life before Gao Shi De? He doesn't remember. Everything was different with Shi De.

“Oh that’s cold. Did your father not approve of him or something?”

His date snickers, and doesn’t seem to notice his little flailing.

No, his father did not approve of Shi De and he thinks of the years they spent apart because of his fathers schemes, he thinks about how much they had to fight to even get back together. Only for everything to fall apart.

Perhaps, sometimes some things weren’t meant to be.

Shu Yi steals glances of his date.

Chen Jia Hao, was it? Tastes the name in his mind. The guy is handsome enough, but he is no Gao Shi De. He’s not the boy who competed for Shu Yi’s attention their entire childhood, he’s not the boy who knew everything about him, every little fault and still loved him without hesitation, without judgement. He's not the boy who quietly opened a path to Shu Yi's heart by being kind without expecting anything in return. Shi De did all those things for Shu Yi because he loved him, not because he wanted something from him.

“Some would say he’s arrogant, but I think he’s cute.”

Words of a confession uttered echo in his ears, when he didn't know Shi De was talking about him. Shu Yi never truly understood what Shi De meant then, but he realises in this moment.

No, his date is not cute.

The guy looks up then and catches Shu Yi’s eyes, Shu Yi immediately looks down. He pretends to poke at the food on the plate in front of him, most of his meal still left untouched. Shu Yi had lost his appetite before they’d even finished their entrees. He doesn’t want to give the wrong impression, he doesn’t want to pile on something that isn’t there.

“Jia Hao—” Shu Yi starts but faulters, words get caught. His date smiles, and Shu Yi thinks he's blushing.

The smile reminds him too much of… No.

“So do you think, after dinner, would you like to go back to my place?”

The man's smile was laced with that something and Shu Yi isn't stupid. He's fully aware of what the looks mean. His date wants him, and Shu Yi supposes he should feel… well, what was he supposed to feel? He doesn’t know. Flattered? It could definitely be worse, but what does that matter? Shu Yi puts up a smile, every fibre in his body is screaming at him that he should decline. It reminds him of high school, of the girl he went out with after accidentally hearing Shi De’s confession and yet, when he was with her he could see no one but Shi De. It’s almost as if history is about to repeat itself.

“Sure,” Shu Yi hears himself saying, and his date beams at him.

He allows the man to pay for the dinner, there’s a fleeting thought, a small feeling of being bought passes through him, and he tries not to dwell too much on it.

They haul a taxi, his date opening the door for him like a gentleman. Shu Yi climbs in first, and only when the date climbs in after does he realise why the date did that. There isn't exactly much room for him to move away when the man decides to sit as close to him as possible, opting for the middle seat. Shu Yi squirms a little.

“Jia Hao, we shouldn't—” he doesn't get far with his sentence, when he feels an arm around his back, pulling Shu Yi against himself.

The man uses his other free hand to steer Shu Yi's face so he can't hide his gaze. Looking into his date's eyes like this, Shu Yi swallows. There's low hum of the radio playing in the background, some sort of cheesy romantic pop song. He can smell a faint trace of spring florals and almond, sweet but not overly so and warm, the smell promises of heaven within his reach; drawing him in. Up close like this, Shu Yi can't deny Jiao Hao is beautiful, pretty even. Shining doe eyes are looking back him: they are open, expectant, and Shu Yi's heart skips a beat. He realises this is his date's way of giving him an out, and he ponders if he should. He holds the man's gaze, holding his breath.

Shu Yi wants, he realises he desperately needs this, and so when the date kisses him he responds; his body is aching, longing, for that kind of intimacy that’s been lost to him for far too long.

Jiao Hao's lips feel soft against his, the man is kissing him slowly, he's taking his time. Shu Yi feels it when the man prods at him with his tongue, and he opens willingly, immediately takes it a hostage and sucks on it like a lollipop. Shu Yi smiles when the other moans. A single, quiet moan, and he relishes in how much effort his date had to put in to silence it. They get rougher, teeth biting lips, hands are roaming everywhere now, and Shu Yi can feel the hand at his back sneak underneath his shirt. He shivers at the contact, His Hao is massaging him in tiny cirlces at the small of his back.

The kiss feels good, so good, but somehow it also feels empty, there’s no spark, no fireworks. It doesn’t reach the depths of his soul.

And Shu Yi knows he should put a stop to it, but his body wants it differently and he feels too weak, too helpsless against the yearnings rolling off himself, so he lets his date continue, he allows the man to roam his upper body outside his shirt. He arches up against the other man despite the alarm bells going off in his mind. When the taxi pulls up to an apartment building, they pull apart for a few seconds, but his date doesn’t leave him alone for too long—like the way Shi De sometimes would behave.

He almost laughs out loud at the thought.

What a comical idea. Shi De knew every inch of his body, every pore on his skin, every sensitive part of him, what made him tick. He can’t expect anyone else to understand him like Shi De did, it’s not possible. Shi De spent a small life time to obsess over him, no one else would ever.

The date pulls him by his hand and they both laugh as they go, stumbling a little on the sidewalk, both a bit tipsy from the alcohol during dinner, and Shu Yi thinks perhaps he doesn’t mind after all.

Perhaps that would make this easier.

Perhaps Zhe Yu is right, that this is what he needs.

While they wait for the elevator, they straighten themselves up a bit, trying not to catch the attention of the neighbors. The elevator ride takes forever, and Shu Yi finds himself standing in the corner, a bit awkwardly; the pause giving him time to think.

How long has it been?

Well, not that long, if he was honest. But it never felt quite right, it always felt like something was missing. Shu Yi feels as if all he does is to keep chasing that something.

It’s as if his date read his thoughts, because he feel a hand quietly sneaking around to intertwine their fingers. Shu Yi looks at his date. The man blows him a kiss, and Shu Yi feels himself blush. The surprised look on the other’s face pleases him a little.

They must not have been as quiet and inconspicuous as they thought though, because the neighbor looks back at them when he’s about to get off, he had that displeased grown-up look on him, as if he’s quietly scolding them, his eyes darting between their faces and their intertwined fingers.

If he were younger, Shu Yi might have be inclined to feel ashamed, but he’s got no fucks left to give. So instead of looking away, instead of bowing apologetically, he flips the man off just as the elevator door closes again, the sound of a shocked gasp slipping through.

His date looks horrified, but it doesn’t last long and two floors later, they are giggling their way out of the elevator and fumbling their way between sloppy kisses and a door key.

“I can’t believe you did that, he’s my neighbor you know,” Jiao Hao says, the shock and exasperation in his voice clearly feigned.

“I’m sorry?” Shu Yi replies, the apology half-hearted.

His date laughs and finally manages to unlock the door. “I’ll survive, though I might have to send a gift to apologize.”

Truly, it could have been worse and Shu Yi realises that. Perhaps he could make this work, he thinks.

His date wastes no time in tearing his shirt off once they are inside. Pants comes off on the way and shoes are kicked to the side as they move around clumsily, eager like teenagers to find each other’s lips again.

They don’t make it to the bed and somehow Shu Yi doesn’t mind. Beds were for kisses and cuddles, they were for whispering sweet nothings, Sunday mornings spent lazily with savory breakfast on a tray, beds were for…

Shu Yi allows the date to steer him against the sofa, he lets himself be pushed down, feeling the cold leather hit his bare ass. His date is busy kissing lines around his now completely naked body, and Shu Yi opens his legs a little, allowing his date to slide one of his own legs between them, the friction feeling so good Shu Yi arches upwards. It doesn’t take much to make him hard, it never does, and he moans when the date takes his dick in his mouth.

He’s good, Shu Yi thinks.

And then he thinks of nothing at all when he feels a finger against his hole, teasingly. Shu Yi looks down, he finds his date watching him, eyes wide and dark, and there’s no denying that he’s handsome, perhaps even sexy the way he's squished between Shu Yi's legs like this, mouth full of his dick. He realises Jia Hao is waiting for his signal and he nods, not trusting his voice. One finger, two … and Shu Yi lets out a sound that’s embarassingly needy to his own ears and he can feel a blush spread over his face.

For gods sake, Shu Yi, get it together, you’re a grown man, you’ve done this before. His mind chastises him.

Jia Hao inches upwards without removing or stopping what his fingers are doing, he snuggles close to Shu Yi, strokes Shu Yi’s hair, kisses his neck and whispers: “god, Shu Yi you feel so good, so tight.”

It’s the way his date says his name, in an instant he’s in a different bed, a different night, another man in his arms, his hair damp from the sweat, wide, impossibly dark eyes staring at him, the need rolling off of the other man’s body as he’s pressed against Shu Yi.

“Please, Shu Yi, I need you.” Shi De’s need was always so intense, so desperate, like no matter how many times they had each other Shi De never got tired of him, Shi De always wanted more, needed more.
“I’ve got you darling, I got you. Always so impatient.” He murmurs against Shi De’s lips, fingers scissoring slowly, working their way to open him.
“That’s enough…”
“No Shi De,” Shu Yi tries to object, knowing it’s futile. Sometimes Shi De likes it rough, Shu Yi knows it, his dick knows it, it’s throbbing eagerly by that very thought.
He finally breaches Shi De’s hole, feels the heat wrap itself around his dick.
“Ye—yes, Shu Yi…”
“Ah—, you feel so tight.”
All Shu Yi could hear was Shi De’s moans, he could see nothing but Shi De’s usually perfectly styled hair all askew and his face and body flushed with a red tint, the sweat drops covers his naked skin like pearls reflecting in the sun.

No.

Shu Yi doesn’t want to think about how Shi De looked like, with his eyes half closed from pleasure as he was on top of Shu Yi, riding him.

Instead, he kisses the date harder, pulls the man in closer, moans a bit louder.

“Jiao Hao—” he says, doesn’t care how needy he sounds like anymore. “Take me.”

Thankfully, his date doesn’t need to be asked twice, Jiao Hao pushes his dick in easily and Shu Yi wills his mind to go blank.

Chapter Text

Why did he stay over that night, when he should have left the apartment as quickly as he could? Shu Yi doesn’t know. It’s one of the million decisions he knows he shouldn’t have made.

Weekend comes and goes and on Monday, everything is back to normal. Everyone else seem to step into the office off-ing and complaining about how the weekend went by too fast, but Shu Yi doesn’t mind. He thinks he likes Mondays better than any other days in the week—it means he’s back at work and can focus his mind on something else.

However, he isn’t allowed much space for that as the secretary stops him .

“Boss, there’s a delivery for you.” She smiles pointedly, almost knowingly and gestures towards a big bunch of fresh flowers that’s sitting on the desk in front of her.

It doesn’t take a genius to guess who it is from. Shu Yi sighs as he checks the card and for a split second, he considers throwing them in the trash, but he thinks better of it. Jia Hao is an acquintaince of Zhe Yu after all, and Shu Yi doesn’t want to risk the word going back to him. He know he’ll never hear the end of it if he does.

“Thank you,” he says curtly and nods at the receptionist, who's grinning back at him. She’s brimming with curiousity, and he knows there will be talks around the office about it, but he tries to ignore it.

In his office, he looks around before he decides to set the flowers on the table by the sofa. He should probably replace the furniture in the office.

As if on cue, his phone plings when he sits down.

“Did you get the flowers? I hope you like them. I would love to see you again this weekend.”

He hesitates. Jiao Hao isn’t a bad person. The man had been a total gentleman during the entire date, and he’s well-versed in their business world. Shu Yi knows that if he was going to date anybody, it has to be someone from their world who’d understand, it has to be someone who’d be willing to put up with him being away for six out of seven days a week. Jia Hao seems to be someone like that. In fact, Shu Yi can't find a single fault in the man, it’s just that …

“I’ll see you on Saturday.” He sends off the text and then puts away his phone.

So why did Shu Yi agree to a second date? That is something he doesn’t understand.

Zhe Yu and Bing Wei arrives next day from their weekend trip, and Zhe Yu was grinning if that man ever did such a thing. He tsk’ed at them quietly; Zhe Yu has been walking around with this pretense all these years, and Shu Yi always thought that at some point, he will have to give that up. He is lucky Bing Wei is so stubborn, like a mirror to how Shi De used to be. Sometimes, in moments of clarity, Shu Yi hopes that Bing Wei doesn’t leave Zhe Yu, because he isn’t quite sure if the man would survive something like that.

And then he catches himself. Zhe Yu isn’t some useless love-sick maiden like himself.

He steals glances of Zhe Yu while they are making ready for their usual morning meeting and the man is shuffling his papers. The grin was mostly gone by then, replaced by the carefully crafted professional smile they all were trained to wear at office hours, but you can’t hide a man and Zhe Yu is almost glowing underneath the neutral professionality, a tiny little tint would spread on his face whenever Bing Wei looked at him or touched him.

Is that how you’re supposed to look like after a date?

Shu Yi is thankful it’s a busy week, it means there isn’t much room for him to dwell on these matters for too long, but is also means that the weekend comes quicker than he expects it to.

They are at another fancy high-end restaurant, where every dish cost as much as someone’s monthly salary, where the white linen cloth feel as luxurious as some of his own tailored suits, yet Shu Yi can’t seem to bring himself to muster any apetite. It’s the simple things he misses: homemade egg fried rice when he was sick. That first hot pot Shi De made for him when he was heartbroken, somehow knowing all of his favorite food. He could of course not have know Shu Yi had a weak stomach and couldn’t eat anything too spicy. Spicy food is one of the things Shu Yi loved most. This food, however… tasted bland and gen—

“Do you not like the food?” Jia Hao says in between mouthfuls of meat.

Shu Yi jumps a little, he doesn’t mean for the date to catch him.

“No, it’s just been a stressful week.” He smiles, and hopes his date will drop it.

“Tell me about it!” The man goes into a rant about what had happened at his own office, something about the merger causing more troubles than expected. Others might be a bit annoyed if their date occupied all the talking, but in a way, Shu Yi is glad. He is glad because he can tune the date out, let the sound wash over him like some sort ofwhite noise. He makes sure he replies enough that the man doesn’t notice it. And after dinner, they take another taxi. Instead of Jia Hao’s apartment, Shu Yi gives the taxi driver another address.

His date seemed somewhat surprised by his choice.

“The weather is still nice so I figured we could go for a walk and the bridge has a great night view of the city,” he offers as a way of explanation. It’s not actually a lie, not a complete one at least.

“A romantic walk. Well, I like it.” The man smiles back at him.

It’s a bright smile, but Shu Yi doesn’t feel anything against it. His hearteat doesn’t speed up, the time doesn’t stop. It’s nothing like the way Shi De’s smile would make him want to crawl onto the railings of that bridge to declare his emotions.

In the dimmed light of the taxi, Jia Hao leans in towards Shu Yi, resting his head against Shu Yi shoulders. Shu Yi tenses a bit, but he sees the tired eyes in the other and his heart softens.

“It’s fine, I’ll wake you when we arrive,” Shu Yi reassures him.

The perfume tickles his nose, florals mixed with a hint of almond, the same smell which promised him a new heaven on their first date still doesn’t smell quite right. It’s not as calming as the lavender he remembers.

He looks down at their intertwined fingers and feels nothing: he realises he wants to withdraw his hand, but there is no way he can do it without waking his date up.

The driver parks as close to the bridge as he can, and Shu Yi pays for the cab ride. His date does a little stretch as he steps out of the car, before he turns around and looks for Shu Yi. In that moment, they lock eyes above the roof of taxi for a second before the car drives off and it’s only the two of them standing face to face in the middle of the streets. To anyone else, this is the perfect romance-move-like-moment. To anyone else, it’s the perfect moment to pull each other in, to close that little distance and then kiss as if nobody else existed.

To Shu Yi, everything about this moment feels wrong.

When his date does exactly that, when his date does the exact thing every one else would have wanted in a situation like this, Shu Yi realises something.

As if, despite his arms not being empty, he still feels empty.

As if though however much Jia Hao touches him, there’s something missing, like an invisible barrier separating them.

Shu Yi knows he’s not being fair, it’s not Jia Hao's fault. None of this is, but the thing is, it’s not what he feels for Gao Shi De, it’s what he doesn’t feel for anyone else. 

Chapter Text

Sometimes people break up for no reason.

Shu Yi knows that. People fall out of love, fall out of the relationship—grow out of the relationship, people outgrow each other. It’s nothing new, it’s nothing extraordinary. Not every breakup is a result of a horrendous act of betrayal or anything dramatic of that sorts. In fact, many break ups are very ordinary, and breakups aren’t a rare thing: It happens every day, to a lot of people.

“Don’t you think this looks silly on me? It's not even my style.” Shu Yi objects as he fidgets with the corners of the leather jacket Shi De had made him wear.
“No, it’s perfect.” Shi De smiles at him, reassuringly. Shu Yi doesn’t feel reassured, but he still jokes.
“You’re the perfect one, remember?”
“Yuck, you guys are insuffurable, we gotta go now if we're gonna make it to the restaurant in time for the reservation.”
Zhe Yu's teasing voice comes from the background as Shi De is fixing the collar for him.

Shi De's laughter is still ringing in his ears even as the video fades to black and stops playing.

Looking at Shi De’s face in the pictures he never deleted (even though he promised Zhe Yu he did), Shu Yi almost wishes Shi De had done something terrible. Something that shattered Shu Yi's heart to pieces in a different way, beyond repair. At least then perhaps Shu Yi could learn to hate him. At least then, Shu Yi could move on from him. Instead he’s just someone another person left behind, tossed aside like the old worn out clothes or a broken piece of furniture people didn’t want anymore; except Shu Yi is not some random inaminate object. He’s human and he’s somehow still stuck in the same spot, to be the one still in love with the one who left, unable to move forward, unable to stop loving someone who’s no longer there. 

A sudden rush of anger washes over him. He stands up abruptly, and grabs the light jacket hanging over his chair, slamming the glass doors so hard they clink loud in the quiet night as he walks out of the office The doors shake dangerously but the glass holds. Shu Yi doesn’t really care, he doesn’t pay it a second thought as he exits the office building in a rush.

The weather is not yet fully autumn, but it is still a little chilly compared to the warmth of Summer. He pulls the thin, leather jacket a little higher; though it doesn’t actually do anything to fend off the cold, as it’s more fashionable piece than practical, but it’s one of his favourites. 

A birthday gift from a long time ago that he can't seem to part with.

He pushes the thoughts away, and hails a cab.

The club he’s aiming for is not very well known: It’s situated in a back alley street, far off the main roads and other more popular, mainstream clubs. It caters to a specific range of clients. He gives the driver the instructions to the place and the look on the driver’s face tells Shu Yi the driver knows exactly where he’s going. Usually, the drivers are none the wiser, but of course, on a night when he doesn’t have the energy to deal with it he has to meet one of those who knows exactly what the club is for. As expected, the driver tries to strike up a conversation, but Shu Yi ignores him as best as he could, pretending not to see the lewd looks the driver is throwing his way through the rear mirror.

He pretends, and lies to himself, because that’s what he’s good at. 

It doesn’t matter what strangers thinks, he lies to himself.

When the driver pulls up to a stop in front of the club, it’s clear he hasn’t given up on whatever he’s trying. Shu Yi hands him the money and the driver holds on to the change money a little too hard, fingers brushing against Shu Yi’s intentionally. He shivers, though not in the good way.  

“You know handsome, you don’t need a club like that. I could—”

Shu Yi pretends not to hear what the driver says. He pulls his hand with a harsh move and slams the door to the car shut on his way out for good measure. Ironic isn’t it? That he's on his way to such a club, but can't stand a taxi driver chatting him up… Still, he doesn’t hesitate, he walks with confident steps towards the bouncer. The man looks at him, eyes him up and down, making Shu Yi a little restless with the gaze. He can feel the impatience slowly take hold of his bones; the bass behind the closed doors is loud enough he can hear it from the outside and his body itches to get lost in the music. 

While he's standing there, an old saying someone once said comes to mind. Shu Yi doesn't remember who said it anymore, but the gist is that love is supposed last throughout a life time but he thinks whoever said that must be a fool, a fool who doesn’t know what reality is; because in reality, love is not very different from trains which stops at stations to change the passengers it carries. It seems he got on that train long time ago and let himself be carried away, forgetting to get off when that other person already did.

He shrugs the thoughts off, doesn’t need them tonight. He never needs them. That’s why he needs this, he tells himself. 

Tonight is going to be one of the random stops he get off at, so he can forget.

This is the last time, and he'll be off that train for good. (Until the next time)

He ignores the many times he's been here before when he'd said the same thing.

Finally, the man takes out a stamp, gives him the seal of approval. He opens the door and Shu Yi draws a breath. The club operates with two rates, one free and one that requires a fee, and who gets in on which is thoroughly subjective conclusion on the bodyguard's part. Shu Yi guesses he was to the bodyguard's liking, and that pleases him a little, it's like a silent compliment that boosts his confidence a bit before he goes into the “lion's den”, when he's the one who chose to do so.

The wave of warm air as he descends the steps are a contrast to the cold from the outside is like a relief, soon it warms him enough that he decides to take off his jacket. He leaves it at the dresser by the front, then accepts the ticket he's given. Shu Yi has been here often enough to know where he’s heading. He’s always surprised by how packed the place is considering the reputation (or lack thereof) of it. Normal people he supposes, weren’t really interested in these activities and yet somehow there is always more people than he expects here. The music is loud, loud enough for people to drown in it without ever having to talk if they don't want to, people here follow the motions, some fully clothed, some are half naked, and some has already bared all save for their underwear. The dancefloor is the only place where underwear is required: a bit of a silly rule to an establishment like this perhaps. Nevertheless, Shu Yi walks through the sea of people, he finds the bar, orders a drink, downs it and then orders one more. The alcohol does its job: His mood changes with every sip he takes and he can feel the rush wash over him.

By his fourth drink, he’s not Shu Yi the CEO anymore. He's just an average guy like everyone else, and he's here for the same thing as everyone else.  

He scans the room, searching for a potential prey. Because entry to the club is entirely subjective to the security guard at the door, the clientele can be a hit or miss sometimes. Guys with money aren't always the good looking ones, at least not by Shu Yi's taste, but he already knew it wasn’t going to be difficult tonight. He got a glimpse of the guests here tonight while on his way to the bar, and he quietly noted that the security guard has impeccable taste. It helped boost his confidence a bit more. He doesn’t have to look far before he finds a tall, handsome and broad-shouldered guy leaning against a wall. Shu Yi looks at him, the man looks well built, muscular but not overly so, his clothing stylish yet simple — a tailored shirt and dresspants that curves around the man's ass nicely, showing it off despite the dimmed light of the club.

The man's attention is directly at the dance floor ahead of him, he's not looking in Shu Yi’s direction at all. That wouldn’t do, Shu Yi thinks.  

He downs his fifth drink before he moves through the crowd of people, and places himself in the direct eye sight of Mr.Handsome. He moves slowly, the loud bass is ringing in his ears and the vibration is passes through the floors and travels upwards his body, together with the alcohol it makes him blissfully numb to anything but the music and the handsome man. It doesn’t take long before he’s got attention of some of the others, Shu Yi feels hands on him, one guy is grinding against him from behind, hands on his hips. He's fully clothed still, and the guy in front of him dares to unbutton one of the top buttons of his shirts and pull the shirts down over his shoulders, exposing bare skin. Fingers teasing over his naked skin, nails that carefully grazes the tip of one of his nipples and Shu Yi parts his lips a little. The man in front of him sees his chance and tries to kiss him, but Shu Yi twists his head and instead exposes his neckline. The man follows his clue and places sloppy kisses around his neck instead. He smells of beer and sweat, and cigarettes. Not the worst Shu Yi has come across in this place, but certainly not best either. 

Shu Yi looks for Mr. Handsome and he smirks when he sees that the man is staring.

The face of the other feels familiar, like someone he once knew, like someone he should know and remember. His mind is trying to tell him something, but he's too busy to pay it any attention.

The guy in front of him keeps kissing him around his neck, he mouths at Shu Yi's Adam's Apple, he blows hot air against an earlobe and Shu Yi moans when two fingers twists his nipple slightly, in an expertly manner. Any other evening, Shu Yi would have left with these two, but tonight he's already set his eyes on someone else. Tonight, he wants tall dark and handsome to take him home, and tear him apart. He stares at the other man intently, eyes beckoning, and he smiles when the other man walks over, practically shoving the others out of way before he pulls Shu Yi into his arms. Shu Yi is vaguely aware of some discontent rolling off the other two, but he's doesn't care. After a few seconds the two leave them be, and Shu Yi almost grins. Mr Handsome holds him as they move to the rhythm of the music. The hold is tight; it leaves him almost unable to breathe, but it’s exactly the way he likes it: pain on the verge of too much but not quite. He slants his head a little, winks at the man, and allows the other to smell him, to take a moment to appreciate his smell. The man kisses his Adam's Apple, then he licks over his neck, all the way up to underneath his earlobe. He follows Shu Yi's jawline until… 

Shu Yi freezes temporarily, and the other senses the change in him, their eyes meet for a second—Shu Yi puts a finger against the other man’s lips to stop him. 

However reckless Shu Yi wants to be, it is the one rule he’d set for himself. It is said that love affords you three things: smiles, hugs and kisses and Shu Yi isn’t here for either of them. He is here to forget, to let the naked skin against skin cloud his mind, let the pain take away his ability to think for a moment; so that for a few minutes, he doesn’t have to remember what he had and what he carelessly threw away; so that the pain and regret that constantly flows through his body like a dull knife twisting through his heart will stop momentarily and he can breathe normally again.

There is a moment of confusion on the other man’s eyes, but then understanding sets in, and Shu Yi breathes a sigh of relief. Sometimes, they would be too over-eager and ignore him, but those never got far with him. 

“Are you ready to leave?” the man whispers in his ear, the voice errily familiar—setting off the warning bells at the back of his mind. There is someone, a name he should remember, a someone from his past he once used to know.

Instead of remembering, Shu Yi nods quietly, not trusting his own voice to carry him. He pushes the thoughts back and away, he doesn't want to think about anything, not tonight.

They are quiet in the taxi ride, they try to keep up a professional distance to avoid looks from the taxi driver, even though he must know considering he was parked outside the club, clearly waiting for guests to come out.

The broad-shouldered man sits close to him, a hand tucked under his shirt, sneaking its way umder his shirt, there are fingers trailing Shu Yi's skin idly at the small of his back, and Shu Yi sighs at the sensation, leaning his head against the man's shoulder.

They get off outside a fancy apartment complex, similar to the one Shu Yi himself used to live in. The man can't keep his hands off Shu Yi, and Shu Yi doesn't mind. He finds himself pushed flush against the walls in the elevator, a knee nudged between his legs, hands once again under his shirts and the guy is kissing his way around Shu Yi's neck. They ride the elevator all the way to the top floor, and only when it dings open do the pull apart.

“Penthouse huh,” he murmurs as he follows the other man. 

“My husband is a CEO,” Mr Handsome says as he lets them in.

“Your…” Shu Yi stutters. 

How did he not see the man’s wedding ring? He blames the dimmed light at the club. Or at least he could try.

“Shhh… it’s a surprise.” The man had unlocked the apartment door, and is gesturing for Shu Yi to step inside. After a moments of hesitation, Shu Yi does.

Mr Handsome leads him into what must be the bedroom. It is covered in darkness, except for a small mood lamp on the nightstand. From the dimmed light in the club to the evening sky to the dimmed light in the taxi, it doesn't take long for his eyes to adjust to this darkness. He sees a figure on the bed, stretched out like a starfish, arms and feet bound with silk shaws. Shu Yi let his eyes travel around, he takes some time to take in the scene in front of him. The man on the bed is gorgeous, Shu Yi thinks, taut muscles, but not overly bulky, his skin perfectly pale, his face… His eyes come to a sudden stop, like someone skidding to a halt while running. There’s a another silk shawl covering the man’s eyes, but his face…

Gao Shi De.

The world around him falls apart.

“Shou Yi…” a whine slips through Shi De’s lips, voice so fond it felt like dull knives twisting around the insides of Shu Yi's body, digging around and dragging its way through his heart because that’s how Shi De used to call his name. 

Shou Yi.

The face. The voice. That's why he felt so familiar! A gasp goes through Shu Yi when he suddenly remembers. He used to be the doctor of the infirmary when they were in high school, he and Shi De had always been close, and Shu Yi remember the jealousy he’d felt when Shi De would tell the man things he didn't tell Shu Yi. The same jealousy he can feel bubbling up inside of him in this moment. He can't remember the number of times he and Shi De argued about it.

Shi De always laughed it off: “he's a good friend like Zhe Yu, that's all.”

Shu Yi didn't mention that Zhe Yu was only friends with him because he was in love with Shi De.

He stares at the man who's now standing next to the bed, the man looking back at him, eyes full of that smugness Shu Yi desperately wants to wipe off, but he can't do it without making his identity known and he isn't sure he wants Shi De to know he's the one in the room with them.

Another sound comes from the bed, and Shu Yi shifts his attention.

How long has it been since he heard that voice? Too long.
“I’m here darling, and I have a gift for you, like I promised you I would find.” 

Shu Yi can’t move forward nor can he move backwards.

All he could do is to stand there and watch; like he is one of the maidens in those drama series peeking through a small opening of a door that's not completely closed shut, only to see her partner in someone else’s embrace, kissing each other feverishly. Except that in this case, this person, this man, who’s spread over the bed is no longer anyone to Shu Yi, Shu Yi knew deep down he has no claim of the figure who's currently lying on the bed in front of him. The other man (because Shu Yi is petty and refuses to utter the name) crawls on to the bed and lies down next to Shi De. He wants to run, to get out of there, but he can't tear his eyes away. The other man kisses Shi De slowly, covers every inch of the shoulders, the neck, the jawline, then licks Shi De's lips, and Shu Yi stares as Shi De opens his lips to meet him.

Without warning, a wave of nausea washes over him, and his body chooses that moment to remind him he hadn’t eaten any solid food that evening because suddenly he is biting back the bile taste in his mouth. The scene in front of him feels intimate, too intimate for him to stand there and watch like the creep he feels inside.

This isn’t what he had in mind when he entered the club earlier that night. 

“My husband and I have a deal. Every now and then, we get to pick someone for us to have fun with together. Tonight was my pick. I’m sure you are aware this is one of the clubs many possibilities.” The man offers, while he continues to stroke Shi De's hand softly, up and down, movements light like feather. Shu Yi watches as Shi De shivers under the touch, and he swallows thickly.

Of course he knew that this is one of the possibilities and he knows it’s his own fault for not asking. He feels dizzy, but it’s not in the good way. His heart is thumping so hard it feels like it’s bursting out of him, the knife buried deep, making it difficult for him to breathe. The sound of his heartbeat so loud, so defeaning it drowns out everything else in the room, it takes everything in Shu Yi not to rush to the other person and rip them apart, tear one away from the other. Shu Yi knows he can’t. 

He wanted the pain, but not this kind of pain. 

He swallows again, bites back the bile and ignores the sour taste in his mouth. 

He could say no. He could get the hell out of there. He knows that’s what he should be doing.

He knows that that is the smart choice.

Yet his eyes are still glued to the broad-shouldered man, he keeps watching as the man’s hand move across the naked body on the bed, his hand travelling downwards, caressing Shi De's half-soft dick, then all the way, until he finds Shi De's hole and Shi De lets a sound that's dangerously close to a whine. Something is sticking halfway out of Shi De's hole, and when Shou Yi pulls at it, it falls out with a wet, loud plop. What’s obviously previously applied lube is now drip drip dripping off of Shi De's hole slowly, glistening even in the weak light from the nightlamp.  

Shi De arches up in the air, his body contorts.

He was always beautiful like this. 

The man from the club (because Shu Yi's still petty) looks at him, eyes beckoning, and finally, Shu Yi unfreezes. He moves towards the bed, takes off his own clothes on the way. He knows he’s shaking when he climbs onto the bed, but he ignores it and focuses entirely on Shi De, almost tuning the other man out in the process. He lies down next to Shi De, closes his eyes, focuses on the sound coming off of Shi De's lips, as he caresses the man’s upper body, fingers trailing the skin, he flicks a nipple carefully; feels how the man arches his body up against him. The touch of skin against skin, it feels like fire burning, but not the kind of small murmur in his belly, rather the way it burns when you forget the stove is on and puts your hand against the hot stovetop and you instinctively pull your hand back. Shu Yi doesn't scream, he doesn't make any sounds, in fear of revealing hismelf. He keeps as quiet as he can, while the touch burns through him, ready to destroy everything Shu Yi knows and cherishes. For a moment he hesitates, there’s still time, still a chance for him to put a stop to this. To make the right choice when he didn’t before. 

Shu Yi opens his eyes. The fire burns through him, and what does Shu Yi do? He throws a bucket of water on it, but it’s too little, too late.

“Shou Yi, please,” the man on the bed murmurs, and suddenly, Shu Yi is back in his own apartment, in the bed that used to be theirs. 

“Please,” Shi De moaned in his ear, his hands holding firmly onto Shu Yi’s arms, his legs in wrapped around his back, in an attempt to pull him even closer. 

“Shhh, patience,” he replied, as he bit slightly on a nipple, he then kissed his way around Shi De’s chest, slowly grinding their bodies together; drinking in the moans that falls from Shi De’s lips. 

“I need you,” Shi De whispered. 

“I know baby, I got you. You're always so impatient.” Shu Yi whispered.

He moved upwards again, kissed his lips the way cheesy romance novels describes it, he kissed Shi De like there’s no tomorrow, because to him, that’s exactly how he felt it—that if there was no tomorrow, then this is what he wants to remember, this is what he wanted Gao Shi De to remember—and Shi De had kissed him back, as if he also believed they’d be together forever.

“I only need you and no one else.”

The words echoes, images flying by like scenes in a movie across his mind, and he bits his lip, refraining from uttering the man’s name out loud.

It isn’t his name Shi De is calling. 

It isn’t him Shi De wants. 

It isn’t him Shi De needs. 

Not anymore.

And it hurt in a way Shu Yi doesn’t know how to describe, because it’s a pain he’s never imagined.

“Shhh, darling. Always so impatient. Let’s ask our guest to join us, shall we? You know how much I love watching they fuck you.”

Always so impatient. More words echoing in his mind, Shi De hasn’t changed a bit Shu Yi thinks, and it’s like someone is twisting that dull knife in his heart, pushing it further in, drawing blood as they slow pull the knife out, leaving Shu Yi breathless.  

The other man is looking at him and Shu Yi wants to hate him, but there's nothing left inside of him but a deep, vast darkness.

“Shu Yi, it’s late. We should head home.”
Shu Yi was too busy to even look up. “The board of directors want this by tomorrow morning.”
“I know, but you need to rest.”
He pushes away the hand that's gently caressing his shoulder. “I said no.” 

It wasn’t the first time he refused to leave work, but it was the first time Shi De left the office without him. It was the first time Shu Yi came home to an empty house and no dinners waiting for him on the kitchen counter. It was the first time Shi De didn’t answer when Shu Yi texted and it was the first time Shi De sent his calls to voicemail. Shu Yi couldn’t get hold of Shi De for three days, and when Shi De finally stumbled through the doorstep on the fourrth evening, his hair was messed up, his clothes were nearly torn and he could barely stand up right. He went straight to the bathroom, Shu Yi could hear him throw up. He tried to knock on the door to offer help, but he was ignored, plain and simple. Shi De didn't even bother to respond. If Shu Yi was a smarter man, he’d have known something was wrong and tried to figure things out. If he was a smarter man, he’d have seen all the tiny signs, the things Shi De tried telling him both silently with his actions and loudly with his words. If he was a better boyfriend, he would have done something. 

Anything would have been better than what he chose to do. He chose to bury himself in work, like he always does.

If this is anyone’s fault… 

Shu Yi wills his thoughts to go away, he looks down at Shi De instead, focuses on the naked body, and drags his fingers across the skin, all the way from Shi De's chest and downward, deliberately avoiding his dick. It’s half hard, and twitches with the treatment.

The room is quiet except for Shi De’s moans, the sounds familiar and unfamiliar to Shu Yi at the same time. 

He kisses his way around Shi De’s chest, down his torso, takes Shi De’s dick in hand, strokes it a couple of times before he licks around the the tip with his tongue. After a few moments, Shu Yi moves his fingers to trace the hole before he presses them inside—they glide easily from the earlier preparation—and Shu Yi pushes his fingers in and out. Slowly but with firm movements. He swallows again, feeling how dry and parched his lips are but he ignores it. Despite himself he moves again; it’s as if he’s been split in two, like his mind is floating around somewhere in the room while his physical self, his fingers, were fucking Shi De; it’s as if he can’t feel the touches anymore, even though his eyes are glued to the point where his fingers are connected to Shi De’s body. Shu Yi’s mind is blank, there aren’t any thoughts there anymore, he's only following his instincts, tuning out everything else. He removes his fingers from Shi De’s hole, and there’s an urge inside him, a small voice screaming at him to lift his own hand so he could take in Shi De’s smell; like he’s done so many times in the past, knowing Shi De's smell always made him a little bit extra hard, always pushed him a little further to the edge, but he resists the urge and instead crawls on top of Shi De, movements guided by muscle memory.
He doesn’t mean to look up, but he can’t resist the sounds that’s coming out of Shi De’s lips. 

When he moves upwards again, he briefly looks at the other person, the man is still lying next to Shi De, one hand around Shi De shoulders, the other caressing Shi De’s arm, lovingly. Shu Yi pushes down the urge to swat that hand away, because after all, he’s the guest here, he’s the one… 

No. 

He refuses to think about it. 

The other man looks back at him, like he’s giving Shu Yi silent instructions, the kind of permission Shu Yi instinctively understands he needs in a situation like this. The fire inside him turns everything to ashes along with the last shred of his sanity, his dignity. He accepts the bottle of lube Shou Yi hands him, his motions are automatic when he spread a generous amount over his own dick, and then; after a moment of hesitation, he pushes inside Shi De. He glides in easily, feeling the heat wrap itself around his dick. He doesn't move for a few moments, closes his eyes to savour the feeling. When he starts rolling his hips it’s no longer someone else, but himself that twists the dull knife inside of him over and over, every push, every pull felt like a stab of the knife. He might be able to convince himself that the moans coming off of Shi De’s lips will be worth every bit of the pain that’s rushing over him. With every movement of his own body, with every moan that falls from Shi De’s lips, Shu Yi’s is reminded that Shi De is no longer his, that Shi De is not with him and the worst part of it all, that he wishes Shi De were. Even after all these years, when he thought he’d let go, Shu Yi realises he’s wrong. They were so young and innocent back then, when they thought love would conquer all. How innocent they were, thinking that a simple child-like love would last in the face of reality. In the end, when faced between responsibility and love, Shu Yi were taught to chose the first and that's what he chose. It's been drilled into his bones.

Suddenly, and without thinking, Shu Yi bends forward to remove the silk shaw that’s been covering Shi De’s eyes, and in a split second, he knows it was a mistake. 

There’s a silent gasp, then that moment of realisation, but Shu Yi is quick enough to place a finger against Shi De’s lips. He can feel the other man shooting daggers at him and he wishes he hadn't removed the shawl, but what's one mistake among all the others he's made in his life?  

It’s the way Shi De looks at him, his hair messed up, his face full of sweat, his lips swollen, but they are parted and the red looks so inviting it breaks Shu Yi's resolve. He leans in, tongue first, lapping around Shi De’s lips, and when Shi De doesn't object, he closes the teeny tiny distance and allows their lips to meet, the kiss is somehow soft, and familiar, but very very different. It is desperate in a way, but not the way they used to be because of course it's going to be different.

How long was it ago, since that first touch?

How long was it ago, since their first kiss?

That first kiss tasted like salt too, just like this one, but Shi De was crying happy tears then. He remembers it like it happened yesterday. The way Shi De couldn't believe that Shu Yi would love him the way he loved Shu Yi. All the memories he's buried, hidden behind a wall that's been slowly torn down right in this minute, the things that were always humming at the back of his mind is now threatening to come back full force to the front, like a pendulum with a massive stone attached to it at the end having swung too far one way and now is threatening to come back the other and hit Shu Yi in his face.

If there’s one decision he regrets in his life, it’s that he didn’t ran after Shi De the night Shi De walked out of their apartment. 

In that moment, Shu Yi remembers an old saying, “a relationship is a conscious choice to continue chose that special person”. And Shu Yi had chose to let Shi De slip through his life. He knows that he doesn’t really have the right to regret, and yet, tears are clouding his vision. Shu Yi pushes all of the thoughts, the emotions aside, he blinks back the tears threatening to fall, he wills his mind to go blank, he focuses on his thrusts so all he could hear are Shi De’s moans, because at least this time, he can pretend he’s giving Shi De everything he needs.

Shi De's dick is hard and dripping with pre-come, and he knows (from memory) how close Shi De is. So he reaches a hand down, strokes it lazily, a few pumps before he twists it the way he remembers Shi De loves it. It doesn't take long before Shi De comes, white liquid pools in his hand and the memory of its smell, the memories of its taste sends Shu Yi over the edge moments later; but instead of the fireworks he feels nothing. Instead of I-love-you's he's biting his lips as hard as he can, to avoid saying words he know he’ll regret tomorrow.

All though, what’s one more regret Shu Yi briefly thinks as he places a soft kiss on Shi De’s forehead.

He searches for Shi De's eyes, and the man's gaze is full of surprise, but there's no anger in his eyes. At least there’s that, Shu Yi thinks.

In the aftermath, Shu Yi sees a glow, a familiar soft smile spread over Shi De's face. Shu Yi remembers how much he’s missed seeing it, missed caressing Shi De's face after, and kissing him languidly. It’s the same look Shi De always had had, it’s the way he used to look at Shu Yi after Shu Yi had fucked him senseless. And however much he wanted to lie there, to do the things they used to after sex, to feel the heat from Shi De’s body as they're pressed flushed against each other; to savour the moments, he knows he can’t. Shi De is already in the arms of who he belongs with, his husband, and Shu Yi, Shu Yi is trespassing on their marital bed.

The sour taste in his mouth is back once more, and this time he’s struggling to keep it down. It doesn’t matter how many times he tries to swallow the bile back. He gets up as quiet and as fast as he can, finds his clothes in the dark room, gets dressed, leaves the bedroom without looking back and makes a run for the elevator.

He stumbles outside the apartment complex just in time and the cool, fresh air of the night hits him in the face, he throws up on the sidewalk next to the building.

It takes him a few minutes to recover enough to hail another taxi—his third for the night, he slumps his head against the headrest and closes his eyes, feeling the headache lurking at the back of his head, thumping against his temple. 

From the moment he saw Shi De naked on the bed, he knew he’d regret this for the rest of his life. 

It is not the way Shu Yi wanted to see him again. 

“Where do you see us in the future, Shu Yi?” Shi De had asked once. “What do you mean future?” Shu Yi is busy looking over the numbers of the monthly budget report.
“Nothing. Never mind. I'll go make some dinner.”

Future.

It was the one thing Shu Yi couldn’t give him. Not because he didn’t want to. 

He lets himself into his empty apartment and falls to the floor as the door closes with a thud.

I know who you are. Pei Shou Yi.

Words on a note he found tucked away in his pocket that he found when he pulled out his wallet to pay the taxi driver. He takes the note out again, unfolds it and stares at the words.

That motherfucker.

He must have recognized Shu Yi at the club, when Shu Yi himself was too busy to care. But when did he have the time to slip the note? Shu Yi ponders on it for a minute. It must be before they left the club. He wondered if what happened tonight would cause an argument between them, and whether they'd get a divorce over it.

Shu Yi closes his fist, squishes the paper note inside it, any thoughts gone for the moment. His skin itches, he feels wrong. He wants to scream, to let everything out but it's stuck at his throat. He tries to get up, but his legs are too weak to carry him, he wobbles and falls back down on the floor again. He decides to crawl towards the bathroom, the usual couple of steps feeling like eternity, there's something blurring his vision as he moves over the cold, hard floor. When he finally reaches the bathroom, he hauls himself up to put on the water. The water is scalding hot, but he doesn't mind. He scrubs his skin so hard it almost break, he tries to wash everything off, knowing any relief he feels from the pain will only be temporary. Shi De’s touch is burned into his skin, his presence is etched into Shu Yi’s soul and there’s nothing he can do about it—there’s absolutely nothing Shu Yi can do to get rid off it, however hard he tries.

“I’ll always be here, however high you’ll climb.”

His mind screams at him, there are words clawing at his chest, they are trying to force their way out, but he can't seem to form any sound. He tries to push it away, push it back, but the anger, the hurt, the regret. Everything comes up in the end and suddenly, suddenly Shu Yi is laughing, but what comes out isn't laughter, the sound which comes out is guttural, like a cry that's coming out of the depths of his soul.

“I am sorry!” 

He screams the three little words into the void of his bathroom with nothing but the sounds of water falling as reply.

They feel useless, like him.

In the end, he falls on all fours in the shower, the hard tiles bruising his knees, his skin is an angry red, his hands shaking and trembling. Everything masks the tears and numbs the pain he feels in his soul. The water gets in between his lips, it feels like drowning and Shu Yi coughs; the small pain not enough to soothe the pain he feels inside, knowing that even though he’ll sleep tonight, he’ll wake up tomorrow still feeling the same pain—because Shu Yi never thought that letting go was harder than breaking up. 

Jan Cox Speas said: “No pain is unbearable, except that of regret.”