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Once his brother recommended him that write letters in order to get it off his chest and he told him to go to hell. Zero had never paid attention to the recommendation Lei gave him when he returned stressed, more than ever, from a hard day's work. It didn't matter he told him it nicely, he acted impulsively and reluctantly answered, slamming the door in his face when Lei just wanted to help.
Lei had changed over the years, he knew his attitudes, that he could be serious but then playful without and advertising. Zero knew his brother because he was the one who lived with him the most in his entire life. Despite the fact the age difference was notorious, he was sure he was one of the few who knew the true facets of the older man. Lei was being serious that day, he wasn't looking to make fun of him, he was sincere when he gave that advice, it was just that Zero wasn't at the perfect time to reason something so simple.
He had that scene in his memory, he remembered it quite clearly, as if it had happened the day before. Zero realized that he did wrong but never apologized. Sometimes he didn't need to be direct, Lei knew him just as well and he was sure he noticed that his attitude wasn't the best. Everything was arranged, the conflicts between them did not have to last, they lived together and the tension was not convenient for any of them.
With that situation recalled, Zero took some loose sheets and placed them on the table. He searched for a pen on the desk in his room and returned to the living room, sitting down at the table where he dropped the sheets. He would take the advice that Lei gave him, it was time to do it. Because he was mentally exhausted and talking wasn't his thing. In a world where he couldn't open up because of his trust issues, where he didn't even want to open up to his brother, not out of mistrust but because he wanted him to be calm, that was his best method to get rid of the weight from his shoulders.
And where could he start? Oh, he had a lot of crap to get out of his soul. He never did anything like that and he never had a plan on how to start, how should he do it? Damn, it was really difficult for him to get an answer. Lei told him that he could vent by writing how he felt or how his day had gone. He rolled his eyes, the sound of the clock making rhythm with Zero's quill tapping against the table as he moved it back and forth between his fingers.
How was the day? It was lousy, that's how he began his first letter, he began by telling how lousy his day had been. The training sessions for the youngest were disastrous, they were shameful and even he didn't shut up when he had to tell them to their faces. It was hard, he admitted it but he didn't regret it either. He wasn't sorry for the way he said it left the occasional rookie in tears, it even made him sigh with ennui. He didn't want to know anything about the training but he had to be there.
He didn't have much help and he had to face that alone. There was no way to make the students understand what to do and what not to do, he didn't understand what made them so foolish, stupid and inefficient. Throughout the day he thought about how he wanted to leave, that his hours would end. He wanted to train alone in the room in order to get even by hitting sandbags or impaling dolls with his swords. Anything of energy expenditure with physical actions would have served him.
He stopped writing, lifted the pen from the last point he left there. He stared at the sheet, attentive to what he had just written. He skimmed it over and made a curious face; it was working, writing off steam was working. He felt that the tension in his shoulders was not so much anymore, he felt that his heart was less heavy, he felt relief. A huge relief after typing the last word and placing the full stop.
So Lei was right. He sighed with resignation, it was hard for him to admit that it had worked, but he would do it for the only reason that he wanted to have respect for his brother. He didn't know why, he just wanted to.
Perhaps he could gradually touch on topics that still bothered him, beginning with the least until the most that made his head saturated with pain. So he leaned back in his chair and placed the tail of the pen against his lips. He needed to think that he could bring it out in letters and ink.
Well maybe starting with something light was best. He settled down, staring at a new sheet, and began to write.
He never hated that Lei took care of him, he was partly grateful for it because if it wasn't for him he wouldn't have achieved many things. And oh, did he think he started with what bothered him the least and he ended up doing the opposite? It was normal for that to happen, it was to change plans frequently. Lei knew that side of him, he knew it because since he was a child he did that kind of things.
He remembered he was never a problematic child, he was aware that his behavior was not impeccable but it was not a disaster either. But if there was something that it always bothered him about and what caused him to become who he currently was in part, was the fact that the bad feeling God was transmitting to him was not normal. The bad looks, wanting Lei to stay home so he wouldn't have to go to work with the deity, was something that become frequent since his childhood.
He never trusted God, he was never able to call him his God. He could not have respect, much less devotion, towards the one who made life impossible for his brother. Zero was not blind, no matter how many deceptions Lei tried so he would not see the ill-treatment he suffered as a head angel, he discovered them or, rather, he immediately assumed that they were not the things that Lei said.
If he decided to be among the ten, it was because of training, because he wanted to learn in order to be able to defend himself on his own. Because beyond the fact that the biggest problem was in his own heaven, in his home that was supposed to be safe, other dangers loomed over the limits. He swore to be in the position he was in because he didn't want the situation to get any darker than it already was and because he wasn't able to stand idly by while his brother held a position at God's right hand.
And, although it was hard for him to say it, he wanted to take that high position to protect his brother from him at some point when he needed it. He knew that Lei was skilled, he was a beast, he was feared by angels of low choirs, he was hearing rumor after rumor that his brother was fearsome. In part he could agree or, more than that, understand why they gave them that feeling, that he was someone fearsome. But on the other hand, Zero knew Lei's real attitude.
He was dumb, he played dumb, he didn't like to be so serious, he liked to smile and make jokes, it was a big contrast to him, he himself sometimes wondered how they could be related if they had nothing more in common than their two halos and his last name. They were so different and that was fine, Zero didn't tolerate how he was but he had nothing against it, even less when he began to be more often that way thanks to Taffy taking the position of head angel replacing Lei. Now Lei was not so close to God although that did not free him from his hands.
He took another sheet and continued writing, now on a separate topic, although somewhat related to that of the previous letter. Zero hated God a lot, he had taken a lot from him, he would never forgive the damage he caused him and his brother. Because Zero knew a lot about what was happening, he knew it when he had to experience it in firsthand. The thought of Lei going through the same thing made his blood boil because God had no right over them, he thought. Creating them and giving them a world to live in did not give him the right to do to them what he did.
That's why he wanted to put a stop to it after finding out that...
No, he didn't want to go into the details of that day, or why he did what he did. Although the years had passed since then, it did him no good to remember it. It was a very strong point and part of his life, it was what marked him forever. Which he told him that he couldn't do anything against the deity. He destroyed his pride, destroyed his hope that had never been high until that moment, he deluded himself to such an extent that when he fell into God's hands to receive his punishment, he bowed his head and asked God for forgiveness for everything he did.
Zero remembered that week he worried Lei a lot, that when they saw each other again after more than seven days, he deserved everything he yelled at him, he deserved even the blow he gave him to his face. There he also bowed his head and apologized, but he also opened up to Lei like he had never done before. The hug that he received after a few long minutes of silence was what comforted him, maybe not completely but it was something he needed a lot. That support, that feeling that even though he thought he was alone it wasn't true.
Lei was everything to him in a large part of his life, with his ups and downs, it was something he could never deny. It wasn't that he wanted to, of course not, he didn't have the thought of regretting that Lei was in his life, saying or thinking something like that was very low. Although they could get to fight very hard, even though he let himself be carried away by his impulses and threw truths at him that Lei didn't notice, he couldn't and didn't want to let go of his hands.
Lei saw his weak points and Zero had seen them in him as well. He wasn't good with words, surely that's why he had recommended him to write to get it off his chest, because Zero wasn't good with what came out of his mouth. That's why when he saw Lei at his breaking point, he managed to take his arm and lift him off the ground, helping him calm down and giving him something he needed to distract himself.
Maybe Zero even thought he wanted the earth to swallow him when Lei became like that, but it seemed strange to him, it was very rare for someone like him to behave like that. That day he didn't want it to continue, he couldn't wait for Lei to return to normal. And the worst thing was he understood him, he shared feelings with what had happened to him.
He took another sheet.
Ahh...he didn't have it easy. Zero didn't get anything easily. He could count on his fingers the few things that kept him on his feet. Because if he had to be honest, wanting to disappear from that world was the best he could do. If there was another way to get rid of the rot, he would gladly hear it, but there wasn't, not now, and probably never would. The only thing he had to get out of the hands of God was to die, but it was not easy being a seraph, because God decided if he died or not, that was the worst loss of living in that heaven. God was the only one who could free them from the chains he himself placed on them.
Zero actually must have been pleased, because the deity had made a decision, one that would change the harmonic order that was in the high choruses. Zero knew when Lei sat down to talk to him, time was ticking like a timer. There was a deadline, a date, and he wasn't sure how to feel about it.
He bit his lip, looked away, and remained silent for minutes that seemed to last forever. He let out an occasional growl and clenched his teeth together. He wasn't selfish but he wasn't happy either. Lei was serious in that conversation, it was not a joke, there was no hidden humorous tone, there was nothing to indicate it was simply something in bad taste.
Zero's hands clenched tightly, he slammed the table, though it led to him only saying that he accepted what was going to happen.
His pen stopped in the middle of writing, he raised the tip with the intention that the sheet would not stain. He had to lift him a little more as the fresh memory of what had happened made him tremble with helplessness.
His teeth clenched, he was just barely able to bite off his tongue. When was the last time he felt like this? He could actually say it, and he had already written it too. But now it was different. As much as he wanted Lei to go from being in his room to being near him to calm him down, that wasn't going to happen. He couldn't anymore.
Having cloudy vision made him feel even more angry, he didn't want to forgive himself for how he was reacting. Zero did not act like this the day Lei had ceased to exist by the hand of God. Not even when they said goodbye and he said how much he loved him. Zero had hugged him so tightly with his arms and with such devotion with his wings that he didn't want to leave him.
Lei at that moment remembered who he was, it was the reason why they were able to say goodbye in a decent way even though Zero had mixed thoughts about it. It wasn't a bad thing that he remembered him as his brother, but it didn't stop it from leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
He understood that Lei would stop suffering, that he would not have to feel lost again due to his memory loss, that by leaving he would not suffer mistreatment again and would have the retirement he really deserved. But deep down he didn't want that to happen. He wanted to take Lei by the arm and take him to a place where he could live peacefully and, in some unknown way, heal him, without the need for this to be the only way out of the world and his condition.
Lei was no longer serving God, he did not have the capabilities as before and he was not fulfilling either. A withdrawal would have been the best option but that was not what God wanted. If only the plan to overthrow God had worked, if only he was strong and capable enough from a young age, it wouldn't have happened.
Zero loved Lei as his brother, but he never told him in the right ways. He was not able to tell him how much he appreciated him and how important he was in his life from childhood to the present. The only thing he appreciated from the last time he was in front of him was the "I love you" that they affectionately exchanged. He wouldn't hear it again, he had to treasure that day no matter what.
The seraph felt the tears fall, frowning at his reaction and what he had written, the paper getting wet from the drops that fell. With all his anger and his helpeness, he couldn't do more. The decisions were made and the order was fulfilled days ago. He could only write letters that were dedicated to his brother with everything he could never tell him and that he would never read.