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Mike would be the first to admit he was angry. Then again, when wasn’t he angry these days? "Naive and soft," Jessica had called him. She didn’t know how right she was, and Mike hated himself sometimes. This confirmed it; he couldn’t ever tell anyone what was happening. What he let happen.
“I really wish you weren’t touching me right now.” Louis didn’t listen, just sweet-talked about how loyal Mike was. Rachel was simultaneously getting fired. Mike figured out the truth, though, and soon enough he was helping Rachel recreate her office.
Louis had suffered a lot of humiliation recently - embarrassing himself at a funeral, being cut out of Harvey and Jessica’s celebration with their client, needing to apologize to Rachel. Louis had suffered quite a few humiliating moments recently, and he was angry. Mike Ross was leaving the office when Louis stopped him, cornered him. Borderline dragged him into the men’s restroom.
Louis finally found an outlet for his rage that worked better than shooting guns. Mike knew Louis was a creep, had known that since they first started working together, when he refused to wear a towel in the locker room. But this was too far. Mike had had some fun before with Trevor, sure, but there was still preparation involved, if they were ever going to go that far.
Louis hadn’t, and Mike didn’t think he would ever - Mike couldn’t think, really, just like when Trevor had beaten him up, or when he gave Trevor the bus tickets, or when he had been naive and soft - Rachel had thanked him. If she could see him now… Mike wasn’t sure he could ever walk into her office, not to mention look her in the eyes again. Louis had called her a blackmailing bitch, said she’d never look twice at him. Louis was the only person Mike would ever attract, and his hands was on Mike’s genitals, “not quite the man you claim to be, are you?” and Mike wanted to be anywhere else in the world… Somehow, that night ended. Mike walked home, leaving his bike locked overnight. He didn’t care.
Harvey called Mike in at night. Mike had been making out with Jenny for the first time since - that didn’t matter. Duty called, so Mike rode his bike in and answered. Of course, their new case hit way too close to home.
“That's not gonna happen to you.” Mike had had a lot of things he had always assumed wouldn’t happen to him happen recently. He spoke without thinking, like an idiot.
“But I would get fired if Jessica found out.”
“Found out what?”
“Just told me he's a virgin.”
Mike looked down, at Harvey’s suit pants.Was Harvey trying to - no. Louis wouldn’t have told, and that wasn’t a pass. A insult, really. Mike was just paranoid. Nothing had felt real since that night - no handshake, not Jessica’s penetrating stare. Mike ought to feel intimidated but he felt nothing.
“Doesn’t surprise me at all.” Yeah, Mike looked young, he knew that. If Jessica knew just how not virginal Mike was, he probably would be fired. Mike made a hasty exit.
Mike’s mind was his greatest asset, so he used it until he collapsed.
“I’m up, I’m up!”
“Your girlfriend stopped by. Dropped that off for you.”
“Girlfriend?”
“You guys move in together already?”
“What? No. We--she's not my... why do you care?”
“I don't.” Rachel clearly did care. The fact that she hadn’t left when he began changing made that much obvious. Mike was just grateful surgery had left his chest indistinguishable from a cisgender male chest. Rachel was attracted to Mike, even with her whole ‘I don’t date at the workplace policy’. Wait second, had Louis - could he be why Rachel had that policy? Didn’t matter; Mike had to hurry.
“Um, could you help me with something? I need to get this fax for Harvey and it's--”
“Good morning.”
“Good morning. He needs a--”
“You can tell, can't you? I bet you everybody can.” Oh God, had Louis - while Mike had been unconscious?! No, he’d be able to feel it, and his ass wasn’t that sore. Mike said some bullshit about eyebrows, thinking fast on his feet.
“I was with the most beautiful woman last night.”
“Uh, she wax your eyebrows?”
“We did a lot of things last night and waxing wasn't one of them, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, God. Uh, well, that's great. I'm here to ask--” Louis wouldn’t stop with the bragging.
“Like a chemical thing would happen when our bodies would touch.”
“No, I really don't want to have this conversation with you.”
“Oh, come on. We're both guys, right?” Fuck, Louis had figured out when he had fucked Mike that that wasn’t entirely true, but he thought using the younger’s gender identity might pressure Mike into continuing this conversation. Mike was, unfortunately for Louis, very creative.
Unfortunately for Harvey, he was also very thorough and a thorn on Jessica Pearson’s side. Harvey had to play hardball now. Only Mike’s insight and criminal decision making skills worked.
Rachel helped Mike, and then she kissed him. He kissed back.
“I'm sure you're aware of this, but, um, I'm just gonna remind you anyway. Um, this office frowns upon relationships in the workplace.” Was that a threat? That felt like a threat. Mike couldn’t breathe, suddenly, and it had nothing to do with being kissed and everything to do with Louis’ proximity, the fear he might have told Jenny something, or would tell Jenny everything, the associates had used Mike’s computer so it wasn’t like Louis would believe a word Mike said.
"Well, if it wasn't me, you wouldn't be here. So if you want this to stop, all you got to do is tap out." Mike wanted to. Mike wanted nothing more than to tap out, take some low level job where he wouldn't have to lie constantly and commit crimes. He wanted to feel good about himself again, and sometimes this job made him feel that, but most of the time he felt like a fraud.
“I had an interesting conversation with Louis last night. He said I should be careful of you and Rachel. Do I have anything to worry about?”
“No, he - he - no. I - there’s nobody - was that all?”
"Michael-"
"I think I'm going to quit today, so it doesn't matter. Rachel will be out of my life soon enough."
"Really?" Mike nodded, coward that he was.
He needed to tap out before he couldn’t - before the lies toppled over or Louis tried again and Mike ended up killing himself because he couldn’t do this again.
“Mike, you’re late.”
“I’m handing in my resignation.”
“What? Is this some kind of joke? Because I’m not laughing.”
“There’s no joke. I’ve written up a contract that means I can’t reveal anything I learned in my short time as an associate to any of your competitors, and you can’t sue me for back pay since you knew beforehand that my education was not what I claimed it to be.”
“Hang on, is this because you’re scared of Jessica? Of getting caught?”
“This is me tapping out. I’ll stay on for two weeks, give you time to find a replacement.”
“Nobody’s ever going to replace you, kid.” Harvey meant that as a compliment, but it only strummed the chords of guilt running through Mike.
“Don’t say that; that’s not true… I- I’m sure you’ll find someone better, some actual Harvard Law graduate.”
“Get out of here before I do something stupid and emotional like hug you.” Mike followed Harvey’s advice, unsure if he could handle being hugged.
“Were you not going to tell me? What, you put all this effort into ensuring that I don’t leave, and now you’re quitting?!”
“Rachel - it’s not - I - yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing.”
“Why?” Mike looked down, continued typing up briefs for Louis. If he ignored the question maybe- “Mike Unknown Middle Name Ross, answer me! Why are you quitting?”
“Because - something happened, okay? I - I can talk to you at lunch; how about that?”
“Fine. You know, I’m not going to date you just because we’re not working together anymore.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to. You deserve better than me.” That, Rachel found concerning. That shouldn’t be a statement that came out of any Pearson Hardman lawyer’s mouth, let alone Mike Ross’.
“You’re leaving? Harvey told me.” Jessica wanted to talk to Mike, of course.
“I - uh - yeah.” Mike couldn’t invent a more coherent answer. He still felt like the world was behind a sheet of glass, that sheet only shattering when Louis walked into the Associate’s cubicles.
“Is there anything I could do here at Pearson Hardman that would change your mind?” Jessica could see the anxiety on Mike’s face but was unaware that the cause was behind her until Louis explicitly walked over, greeting Jessica and Mike.
“No. I - uh - May I be excused? Thanks.” Louis’ hand was again on Mike’s shoulder, reminding him of when it had been other places, and Mike Ross was running scared like a schoolchild to the bathroom. The very same bathroom he had been raped in. The panic Mike had been suppressing for the past week finally burst and he was crying, praying desperately that nobody would need the stall. He heard a few men use the urinal and leave. Mike eventually had to leave the bathroom, and he avoided looking in the area he knew Louis had held him against the wall. He’d be gone soon. None of what happened mattered.
“Mike, c’mon, I’ll pay for lunch!” Rachel shouted when she saw him. Mike waved, agreed, and followed her. They went to the usual cafe and he ordered a grilled cheese.
“So I know it was you who got me my job back because nobody else at Pearson Hardman gives a crap about me. And now, after helping me set my office back up and everything, you’re quitting?” Mike must have made a face at the mention of Rachel’s office. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous of my office. You know I was joking, you are important to the firm, even as a first year associate.”
“That’s not - I can’t keep doing this. I can’t show up to work every day terrified - remember when I asked you out? You said you didn’t date in the office?” Rachel nodded, her concern for Mike growing with every word he spoke. “That’s - keep doing that. Don’t let anyone get you alone, especially not Louis.” Mike was avoiding eye contact, staring at his sandwich and he bit into it immediately following that warning so he wouldn’t have to speak again.
“Mike? What does that mean? Did Louis say something about me?”
“blackmailing bitch, she’d never look twice at you if she knew what you really were, nobody would. Nobody except me, Michael. You know that, right?” Louis stopped talking, began kissing the back of Mike’s neck as his other organs penetrated other areas of Mike’s body. Mike wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening, not now, not here…
Mike had just been staring at his half eaten sandwich, lost somewhere in his mind while Rachel continued to grow more and more worried about her friend. Had Louis said something? Rachel waved a hand in Mike’s face, nothing. “Hello? Michael Ross, anyone home?” She tried knocking on his head but he flinched.
“No, Louis Litt didn’t threaten you; you’ll be fine.”
“Did he threaten you?” Mike shook his head, blinking intensely. He hadn’t looked back at Rachel once since bringing up workplace relationships.
“Look me in the eyes and say it.”
“What?”
“Look me in the eyes and say that he didn’t threaten you.” Mike looked in her eyes. They were dark, but not angry the way his eyes had been that night.
“I - I’m not - Louis Litt never threatened me.” Mike had maintained eye contact with her as he said that sentence, but it was obviously stressful. His Adam's apple bobbed, and he looked on the verge of tears.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Well, believe this. There’s nothing you can say to me that will keep me at Pearson Hardman with him as my boss. You know what he’s like, you warned me against him yourself my first day.”
“He’s scary, sure, but ultimately harmless.” Mike’s fight against his emotions was lost again for the second time that day. He was crying. Rachel was watching one of her few friends break down due to the possible actions of one of her other friends. “Mike?”
“He’s not. He’s not harmless; he’s just afraid of you.”
“Afraid of me?”
“He called you a blackmailing bitch.”
“He what?” Rachel’s anger wasn’t directed at him yet, his traitorous mind reminded, but it would be when she learned that Mike Ross was a lying fraud, worse than a cheater.
”I’m sorry, I don’t - tell everyone I’m sick, I’m done for the day.” Mike ran out of the restaurant to his bike, unlocked it, and pedaled home. He could barely believe that he had said what he did. He wondered whether being alive was worth it. He wanted his parents, and the only way to obtain that comfort was through daydreaming, actually dreaming, or dying. Mike spent the rest of the day daydreaming about comfort, about being accepted as a son.
"Louis."
"Rachel Zane, what brings you back to my office? Don't you have work to be getting to?"
"I - you're right, sorry." Rachel had wanted to confront him, but Mike's warning rang out in the back of her mind.
Not harmless; he's just afraid of you. You, as in Rachel Zane. As in not Mike Ross. Mike Ross didn't strike fear into anyone's eyes, but Louis Litt certainly brought fear into Mike's eyes. Rachel knew she would miss their banter, their flirting. The only lawyer that gave a crap about her was leaving and something was clearly wrong.
Something was wrong; Harvey could see it in Mike's demeanor, in his now permanent aversion to touch, in how his quick wit was getting darker and darker in reference to Mike's own sense of self-worth. Harvey wasn't sure what had brought this on, but he couldn't let his associate fade away without at least trying to keep him.
"Mike. Is there anything I can do to keep you here? What is- it can't be money, you're certainly well-compensated. Is it the hours? Your girlfriend?" Harvey was always the tactile type, and Mike didn't mind it before, but now Mike was doing the anxious you're alone in his office; you're alone with him. Remember what happened when you were alone with Louis? spiraling. Harvey wasn't Louis but they both had power over Mike; physically and within the company, Mike was worthless.
"Don't - keep your hands off me!"
Harvey held his hands up in surrender. He wasn't a threat. Why was Mike viewing him as a threat? "Mike? What's been going on with you, kid? Ha- Is it Trevor? If he's been harassing you again-"
"Trevor's still far away because of you. God, I've never needed him more."
"Whatever you want from him, you could always get from me, Mike."
"Really? You can remind me that my mom wouldn't hate me, that I'm - it doesn't matter. None of this matters." Harvey didn't know how to respond to that.
"Then what can I do? Normally my way of comforting is physical affection, but you clearly don't want that."
"I don't. Please don't. I can't -" Mike saw Louis through the window and his words died inside of his throat. Louis entered without regard for what he was interrupting, discussing some case Harvey wasn't listening to because Mike looked like he wasn't breathing. He was, obviously, but they were short shallow gasps of panic and Harvey couldn't do anything but watch Mike flee the room.
Mike ran to the water fountain. He needed water, needed to remind himself that he was alive. He was alive. He was as safe as possible while still being at Pearson Hardman for another goddamn day. "Mike, I'm glad I was able to intercept you before you left." Donna was there. "We need to do an exit interview before you leave. I'm going to escort you to Human Resources."
"We have Human Resources?"
"Of course. You didn't think a law firm would just handle internal complaints without investigating, did you?"
"I - I didn't think at all. I'll go." Maybe he would talk. He probably would chicken out. None of this would matter soon anyway. Nothing would. Not Rachel's flirting, not Louis' ever-present stare, not the nausea, nightmares - soon it would all be over.
Jenny Griffiths would be the one to show up at the office, angry enough to overpower the security guard, blaming them for killing her boyfriend. Nobody left at Pearson Hardman would even know Mike was dead before then, and the shock would ripple through the office like a wave. Even Louis would feel guilty. Or maybe that was another fantasy. Maybe nobody would be left to give a shit except Granny, Jenny, and Trevor. Mike didn't know, didn't care - he tapped out. Permanently.