Archive of Our Own ^beta

Gyuvin only sees that his phone is ringing because it’s vibrations can be felt through the wood of his gaming set table. 

“Hello?” without minding to check the caller. He already knows who it is. 

“Hey. You up?” Ricky sounds giggly and groggy on the other side of the line, but at least there’s no overpowering music. Gyuvin hates when he has to make an effort to hear him. 

“Yeah.” it’s an obvious answer, but Gyuvin doesn’t mind. He’s too concentrated on winning that match with Gunwook at the moment. 

“Cool. I’m by your dorm, be there in ten.” and the call is turned off before Gyuvin can say he’s gonna leave the door open. 

The match is finished, they win and he bids his goodbyes to Gunwook through the chat, promising he’ll stay longer tomorrow. He has half the mind to look at the clock at the corner of his screen, then; 3:14AM. It’s an ungodly hour and he should’ve told Ricky no, should’ve made up an excuse or straight up told him to go to hell, but he wouldn’t. Could never. 

So, like clockwork, Ricky is at his door ten minutes later, and he doesn’t knock because he also already knows Gyuvin always leaves the front door open when he comes over, since it is always late at night and his roommate is asleep by then. 

“No one interesting enough at the party?” Gyuvin tries to not sound bitter when he asks, already taking off his shirt and turning back to the bed. Ricky doesn’t usually like to take too long to get down to business. 

“A couple. Didn’t feel like going out of my way for sex tonight, though.” he closes the door of Gyuvin’s room and starts undoing his shirt too, and Gyuvin hates how beautiful he looks, in spite of all. 

His makeup isn’t as heavy tonight. His jet black hair is messy, longer than he normally keeps it, and there’s a redness to his eyes that isn’t natural, but he doesn’t seem out of it. Ricky’s pretty good at holding his liquor and whatever else he decides to put in his system.

The implication that he’s easy work, that Ricky finds him easy, makes Gyuvin’s stomach churn, because he knows it’s true. He knows Ricky will never have to work too hard to have him. Gyuvin will never make him. 

“Well, get going, then. We don’t have all night.” and while he pleasures Ricky and gets to be pleasured, Gyuvin gives himself a pass to forget, even if momentarily, how unfortunate of a predicament he’s gotten himself into. 

•

It started in college, like most regrettable and questionable things that happen to every young adult. 

Gyuvin is studying computer science, going on with his life and dealing with the stress of the first semester when he meets Ricky. Ricky is studying fashion, wants to do art on the side and the only thing they have in common is, essentially, the fact that at first, they despise each other. Ricky is a super rich kid, has no concept of money, and while Gyuvin is also quite well off himself, he’s known from a very young age where to put down his bands. That is the first thing they disagree on. And then there’s everything else. 

Ricky likes stick deodorant which Gyuvin finds disgusting. Gyuvin doesn’t cook his noodles all the way through before eating, which Ricky thinks is outrageous. Ricky likes leopard prints, Gyuvin still has a bowlcut. It’s only natural they dislike each other. 

Until, in a fated frat party that neither were really keen on attending, they kiss. And then they go home together and have sex and that was Gyuvin’s first time but no one knows, not even Ricky. They figure out they work pretty well as sex partners, and having sex has also improved their ability to be in each other’s presence without wanting to kick one another in the face within 10 minutes. Now they can make it up to 30, even an hour if they try hard enough. Which is how they find themselves in the current setting. 

It is eight in the morning on a Sunday and Gyuvin is watching Ricky put himself back together. He does it languidly, like one does with a hangover and too little sleep, but he gets his roses for the effort. No buttons are missed and his pants aren’t inside out. A win is a win. 

“I’ll take this.” this referring to Gyuvin’s blue baseball cap, that he snaps on backwards, clearly to avoid going out with a bird’s nest atop his head. “I’ll give it back later. Last night was fun, thanks man.” and he lifts his hand up for a high five to Gyuvin’s very disgruntled, sort of fucked out figure, still very naked in the bed. 

“Yeah… sure.” but he completes the high five anyway, and it is horribly awkward. Ricky had that same hand down in unholy places very few hours back. “Close the door when you leave.”

“Yep. I’ll see you.” he shoves his belongings away in his pockets and leaves through the door without a trace, leaving Gyuvin alone to his misery. 

He tries to fall back asleep, tries to occupy his mind with something else, but it’s hard when his room still smells like sex and Ricky so up he goes, to open the windows and take a well deserved shower. Ricky isn’t usually a wild lover but Gyuvin guesses he was feeling a little feisty the night prior, if the hickeys on his collarbones and the scratches on his arm and neck are anything to go by. It’s always bad when he leaves marks, because then Gyuvin remembers for a longer time and often all he wants to do is to forget. 

It’s not that having sex with Ricky is bad or unpleasant or something he doesn’t want. He wants it every single time and it is the very best sex he’s ever had, despite only having had sex with two other people save for Ricky himself. That isn’t the matter at hand. 

The matter at hand is that soon, it’ll be two whole years of their stupid arrangement that has done entirely more bad than good. Two whole years of seeing each other only when either are horny (usually it’s Ricky who calls first), two years of treating each other like colleagues in front of their friends and lovers on the sheets. Two years of yearning for something Gyuvin knows he can’t have. 

Ricky doesn’t even wear leopard print anymore and Gyuvin has gotten out of his bowlcut phase, but they’re still doing whatever it is that they have been doing since the start of college, and time is passing. They’re growing, changing and meeting new people, yet things are still the same and Gyuvin hates it, because he wants Ricky more than this. He knows every single thing about Ricky at this point, would even dare to call him friend, but it’s not enough. Gyuvin is greedy and his heart has outgrown his head too long ago for him to remember when. He’s cursed to his feelings for as long as he allows Ricky to come and go whenever he pleases. 

•

“Hey.” Gyuvin doesn’t need to do somersaults to know whose voice is that. 

“What’s up.” but he doesn’t look up from his iPad, rather trying to pay even more attention to his notes now that Ricky has joined him.

No more words are said. Ricky simply slides a big cup of mango slushy from across the table, and Gyuvin has to hold himself back from grabbing at it like a little kid. 

First things first. Everything comes with a price, specially when Ricky is involved. 

“What is this for?” 

“Nothing, motherfucker. Can’t I do something nice for you?” Gyuvin gives him no reaction. He snatches the slushy back. “If you didn’t want it you just had to say it. Ungrateful bitch.” 

“I do want it.” he stretches across the table and takes the slushy from Ricky’s hand with very little effort, courtesy of his impossibly long limbs. “It’s just weird. You don’t do nice things for me, not for no reason.” nice things from Ricky are for Hao or Hanbin or Yujin, but everyone does everything for Yujin so he doesn’t really count. Ricky doesn’t do nice things for Gyuvin. That’s the point. 

“It’s not ‘for no reason’. You’ve just been looking miserable these past few days so I thought I should maybe be a friend and buy you a little treat and perhaps even ask if you wanna talk.” Ricky might be a lot of things. He might be pushy and competitive and stubborn and blunt and rude when it calls for it but he’s also extremely sensitive to his surroundings and attuned to the feelings of those around him, so obviously he noticed Gyuvin has been freaking the fuck out for the last week or so. 

It’s just that he has a midterm later in the week he really doesn’t think he’s going to pass. And he’s been breaking out too. And his sleep is a mess because he somehow and for some dumb reason really wants to be held at night but there’s no one to do that for him and it makes him want to cry a little. And he misses his mom and his siblings and his dad and his dog. And he wants to be with Ricky but he can’t and that sucks. So yeah, Ricky’s right. He’s fucking miserable. 

He won’t let him know all of that, though. 

“It’s nothing much. I just have a midterm upcoming that has been stressing me out and I’m not sleeping well. That’s all.” that is not all. Gyuvin is well aware that is not all in the slightest. 

Ricky looks at him for a silent, long moment.

“Do you wanna come over later today?” there we go. 

“You just told me I look miserable. Still wanna bang?” he laughs a little, humourless. It’s the very first time he considers saying no to Ricky. 

“It’s not for that.” Ricky has it in himself to sound offended. Gyuvin raises his brows. “We can watch a movie and just chill, you know? Order some food and, I don’t know, relax. I’ll drop you off at your class tomorrow.” Ricky only has classes in the evenings on Thursdays and it’s a Wednesday. 

Gyuvin squints and lets himself think. 

He’s already spent one-on-one time with Ricky besides the bedroom before, and it has gone well maybe twice. It either becomes an endless push and pull that eventually tires both out enough to not speak for the rest of the evening or they have actually great, fun time together, which, again, has happened twice if Gyuvin is guessing. He should truly say no. 

“Fine. I’ll pick what we watch, though.” 

“I’ll only let you because else you’ll cry and I literally can’t stand to see you cry.” Gyuvin doesn’t dwell on what exactly he could mean with that. 

He simply flips him off, shoves his belongings inside his backpack and grabs his slushy with too much petulance for it to come off as casual. 

“My class ends at eight.” and he storms off just like that, unwilling to hear what else Ricky might have to say. 

•

It’s eight in the evening and Gyuvin is still fucking miserable. 

He has spent the whole day floating between classes and reviewing the subject for the cursed midterm he’s about to have, yet all his brain has registered throughout the whole day is the fact that he’s going to sleep with Ricky tonight. It angers him to no end, because he actually and truly needs to get his shit together and learn what he has to learn. Today has not been the day for that, though. 

So, tired and angry, he takes a cab to Ricky’s place, definitely not in the mood to wait for the only bus from school to his neighborhood that would drop him off three blocks away from Ricky’s building. His back hurts like hell and while walking at night can be peaceful, sure, it isn’t when you’re about to snap in half from pure and utter stress. He’ll do without. 

Fifteen minutes are all it takes for Gyuvin to be ringing Ricky’s bell, and only when he has to wait for him to pick up the intercom is that he realizes how awfully cold it is outside. His hoodie does very little to keep the wind from chilling his bones, and he already wants to yell and scream and turn back and go home when the gates open, without anything being said through the intercom. Whatever. 

The elevator trip up the floors of the building feels simultaneously reliving and terrifying. Sure enough, Gyuvin is glad to be wrapping up his one hell of a day, but the fact that he has no idea of what to expect from Ricky kills him inside as the numbers go up from one to twelve. The doors open, the hallway light automatically turns on and Gyuvin’s heart stammers as he makes his way to Ricky’s door, suddenly feeling his backpack weigh a ton. 

He rings the bell once. His hand barely comes down before the door swings open.

“You came early.” that’s what Ricky says instead of hi. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and satin sleep pants, which is a weird combo but casual enough compared to how dressed up he usually shows up at school. 

“Took a cab. Didn’t wanna wait for the bus.” Gyuvin makes his way in past Ricky without being invited, shoving the knot in his chest aside to replace it for the familiarity they have built around these almost two years of knowing each other. 

Ricky closes the door behind his back, watching as Gyuvin takes off his shoes and kicks them away like a bratty kid. 

“Your mood didn’t get any better, huh?” Gyuvin knows it’s not meant to poke fun at him. Ricky’s voice doesn’t even hold any mockery. 

It still makes him feel ridiculed. 

“Can’t you tell?” acid and awful. Ricky keeps staring, leaning against the door, resembling every bit of the angel that he is when Gyuvin looks at him past his hard feelings. The guilt that creeps up his throat is instant and threatens to choke him. “I’m sorry. Today’s just really bad.” and Gyuvin means it. Ricky isn’t the cause of his misery, despite having his share of blame in it. 

“It’s fine.” sounding tame and sincere and incredibly not hurt at all. Gyuvin frowns, not sure he’s deserving of such understanding. “Do you wanna shower first? I just ordered the food.” Ricky crosses his arms and doesn’t move away from the door. There’s an odd, almost unsettling calmness to him that makes Gyuvin’s skin crawl. 

“Yeah. That’d be nice.” and he turns back without waiting for an answer. 

He’s been to Ricky’s house enough times to know where things are at this point. He knows where to find clean towels, knows where Ricky keeps the clothes Gyuvin leaves behind occasionally and knows where the bathroom is. He makes his way around Ricky’s space without any trouble, and tries hard to not think too much about the fact that he’s just as deep rooted in Ricky’s life as Ricky is in his. He stares at Ricky’s unmade bed while he dries his hair and finds the scent of Ricky’s fabric softener in his own clothes; of course he’d do their laundry together. Gyuvin’s cap sits neatly on Ricky’s desk, and this is it, Gyuvin thinks. He could remove himself from Ricky’s life but he would never leave entirely if he didn’t want to. Maybe he doesn’t. 

The thought doesn’t bring him as much comfort as he wishes. 

Still, he hangs the towel back in the bathroom and makes his way to the living room, barefooted against the floor. Ricky’s unpacking takeout in the kitchen, chinese food from what Gyuvin can tell by the smell, and he decides to join, out of something else to do. That’s what he came here for, in the end of all. 

Ricky bolts around in what looks like a small jumpscare when Gyuvin pulls one of the chairs back to sit down. He watches for a second, his shoulders relax and he brings the food to the table, two portions and two pairs of chopsticks but four drinks, because neither can ever be satisfied with only one, and then he sits down too. Not a word comes out of his mouth. 

He passes the food to Gyuvin first. Hands him a pair of chopsticks, opens the can of soda for him and gives him a small nod, an encouragement. I want you to eat. 

Gyuvin feels like he might cry. 

“How was your day?” it’s what he asks instead, agonized by the silence and the size of the feelings swelling in his chest. 

“Nice. Pretty regular. Had class in the morning and my model’s schedule finally aligned with mine so we had a fitting this afternoon for that project I have due for the end of the semester. Hao has been an angel and his measurements are a dream to work with.” Gyuvin wishes he could not smile, but he’s too fond of Hao and Ricky looks just too cute talking about what he likes. It’s a lost battle. 

“I’m glad. Is the project going well?” Gyuvin doesn’t want to talk about himself, but sitting back with the silence would kill him, so he keeps asking even if he doesn’t really know what Ricky’s project is about at all. 

“As well as it could go. I’m changing a couple of things in the final sketch and I honestly wanna redo it from scratch but I don’t think I have time for that at this point. I’ll figure it out, though.” his way to end the subject. He opens another can of soda for himself and Gyuvin thinks he’s not going to speak again. “I bought those candies that you like and some other snacks, too. Have you already picked what we’ll watch?” he blows his food gently after questioning, looking up at Gyuvin from the other side of the table. 

Gyuvin, whose noodles suddenly get impossibly hard to chew. 

“Hm… not yet. I’ll see about that.” 

It’s hard for Gyuvin to pinpoint why he feels so strung out, but each time he opens his mouth to reply to Ricky or laugh at something he says it feels like there’s a bubble of something ugly and wrong trying to crawl its way out his throat. It might spill all over the table and pop on Ricky’s face, triggered by the sweet gummy smiles he gives when he talks about the nice pants he saw at the store and squirming inside Gyuvin to the point it makes him sick whenever he laughs at something Gyuvin says. It’s made worse when he gets up to gather the mess as soon as they’re done, placing a plastic bag full of snacks in front of Gyuvin and telling him to look through it, to tell him if he’s gotten his tastes right. He’s chosen everything Gyuvin likes. 

Gyuvin picks a simple packet of sour candy, too full and overwhelmed to try and down something else. Ricky suggests they move to the bedroom, and it’s the very first time Gyuvin can’t catch any second intentions behind it. He can do nothing but nod. 

Ricky’s sheets smell nice, they always do. His pillows are soft and his bed is huge and the TV attached to the wall across from it is even bigger. The remote is on the nightstand by the side where Gyuvin lays. 

The noise the plastic of the gummy packet makes when Gyuvin opens it is almost obnoxious inside the quiet room. The lights are dim, comfortable for the eyes, and as Ricky leaves his slippers by the edge of the bed to climb onto the mattress himself, Gyuvin realizes he wouldn’t mind if this was their norm. If being together after a hard day was their usual, their regular. If this became routine. 

He almost chokes on a candy. 

“Have you chosen?” Ricky stretches himself across Gyuvin’s lap to reach for the remote, and again, it’s truly not provocative in the slightest. Intimate, sure, but Gyuvin knows Ricky well enough to be able to tell when he’s teasing. This is not the case. 

He’s simply comfortable enough around Gyuvin to spread himself across his lap, use his knee for support and steal a gummy right from his hand. 

“Yeah. Extraordinary Attorney Woo, episode eleven.” it’s the first thing that comes to his mind. He hadn’t even thought of anything at all. 

“You’re such a bore. Isn’t it, like, the fourth time you watch this?” it’s rhetoric and Gyuvin doesn’t even attempt to answer. He simply squints when Ricky turns on the TV, watches silently as he browses through Netflix and finds the show of Gyuvin’s choice to play the exact episode he had asked. 

It’s true. Gyuvin has watched that drama one too many times. He knows the lines and could quote them backwards if asked, yet Ricky’s engrossed by it on his side, paying full attention to what is being said and Gyuvin knows it’s more because he‘s been invested in learning Korean than out of interest for the show. His hand brushes over Gyuvin’s occasionally to steal some candy; still, other than that, he’s entirely focused on the screen. Gyuvin wishes he could be too, but the slope of Ricky’s nose is enchanting and he’s never looked more beautiful than he does now, with his hair undone and the TV casting blue hues on the planes of his bare face. It makes something visceral twist in Gyuvin’s stomach, that same huge bubble of something crushing his insides and making him feel nauseous. 

He puts the candy aside and blames it. 

Ricky notices. 

“Is everything alright?” Gyuvin wants to scream at the honest worry in his voice. The way he pauses the episode to look at Gyuvin with eyes that sparkle is a punishment, one that Gyuvin doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve. He doesn’t know why he has to stare at them and see everything he loves but can’t put his fingers on. 

“Yeah.” it’s whispered and choked up. He clears up his throat. “I mean, yeah. I’m fine. Just got a little sick of the sugar.” the candies are sour. 

Ricky stares, and only stares, for a moment too long. Gyuvin thinks he’s going to say something, sees his mouth open but then he closes it in a thin line that turns into a smile with no teeth. 

“Okay.” he presses play and turns back to the TV. Gyuvin feels devastated to lose his attention. 

He has just enough time to regulate his breathing before Ricky’s hand touches his. 

“Why don’t you come here?” Gyuvin looks at the gentle finger brushing the back of his hand before he looks at Ricky’s face. He’s still looking straight ahead but the lights allow Gyuvin the exact amount of clearness to see his red ears. “Come closer. I’ll hold you.” low but steady. Shy but so, so secure. 

Gyuvin doesn’t give himself the grace to think too much about it. 

He scoots over so harshly it pulls the sheets off the edge of the bed, but he can’t bring himself to care. His face meets Ricky’s neck and one of his legs swings over his hips, arms flaying to hold onto his torso like a lifeline. He smells like he always does, clean laundry and strawberry lotion and just the faintest bit of perfume, and Gyuvin has to take in a deep breath in order to control the tears trying to pool over his eyes. He missed Ricky, two whole weeks since they had last been alone together, and despite this not being their usual, it’s brutal, how much he wants it. He hopes Ricky can’t tell how much he needs him. He hopes he doesn’t love it. 

A hand starts to caress his thigh, tender and unassuming. The episode keeps playing but Gyuvin knows Ricky is no longer paying attention at this point, too attuned to his breathing to know he’s just pretending. It might be the exhaustion, or the streak of bad days he’s been having, but the bubble inside him begs to be sated and so he lets himself kiss the tattoo on Ricky’s neck, nuzzle his face on it and breathe in his scent as deep as he can. 

Ricky grabs his leg tighter. 

“Do you want to talk?” Gyuvin can feel the vibrations of Ricky’s voice through his lips attached to his neck. It makes his head spin. 

His answer is a poorly muttered “no”. He doubts somebody else would understand, but Ricky can. 

“Alright.” more silence. Ricky’s hand doesn’t relent. “You know, Gyuvin,” it’s really too little before Ricky’s talking again. “I know we don’t do this at all, but it’s fine if you need to.” confusion sets in as a deep frown on his forehead. 

“What are you talking about?” he pushes himself to say, even if it feels like a lot of work to speak. 

“I mean this. We can spend time together like this more often if you want. It’s cool with me.” he shrugs, sounding an awful lot like he’d rather not be having this conversation at all. “We can hang out too, do stuff we like together. Like friends. It’s nice, isn’t it?” his voice has grown little, so little Gyuvin would’ve missed it weren’t they so close. 

He doesn’t miss it, though. It’s hard to tell if the racing pulse he feels on his fingertips is Ricky’s or his own. 

He’s saying he wants to be with Gyuvin. Like friends. That’s all he is now. That’s all they are to each other when their dicks are inside their pants. 

Gyuvin wants to answer. He wants to say yes, of course, but he also wants to say no, fuck you. He can’t bring himself to say neither, though, so he lets his body talk. 

He straddles Ricky’s hips in a motion that comes to him too easily. Ricky doesn’t seem surprised, doesn’t look annoyed; he stares up at Gyuvin and his eyes still sparkle and Gyuvin wants him so bad it hurts. His hands come to cup Ricky’s cheeks at the same time that fingers cradle his waist. 

“What do you have in mind?” his hips grind down on Ricky’s lap, catching him off guard if the way his hold tightens is anything to go by. “Did you think bowling? Thrift shopping? A hike?” his own voice dips, face coming dangerously close to Ricky’s, enough to see the lost, confused look in his eye. 

“Gyuvin, what are you–“

“That’s what friends do, isn’t it?” he’s slipping down Ricky’s legs, then, parting them to fit himself in the middle as his fingers hook over the waistband of his pants. “We’re friends, Ricky. Right?” and the taste of Ricky in his mouth does nothing to ease the bitterness that has traveled up from his chest and spread through his teeth, tongue and gums.

•

Gyuvin wakes in his underwear, alone and with a headache. 

Sure, he’s still at Ricky’s place – he would know the scent of those sheets even in hell – but the bed is empty save for himself. It’s also too light inside the room, blinds pulled open all the way, and the day is ugly outside for what Gyuvin can tell from the awfully cloudy sky. 

His moment of confusion lasts maybe two minutes before he can hear footsteps approaching. 

Ricky joins the room already in his clothes, hair dripping wet, and by that alone Gyuvin can tell he just took a shower. He’s wearing a black turtleneck and dress pants, and despite Gyuvin not knowing how he can take the fashion thing so seriously, he also can admit that he looks too good for such an early hour.

His train of thought immediately takes him to the fact that he has no idea of what time it is. 

“What time is it?” it’s what he asks, sitting up on the bed and patting the sheets for his phone. He doesn’t even remember taking it out of his backpack last night. 

“Good morning to you too.” Ricky’s answer sounds flat as he stands in front of the mirror to fix the silver chain hanging over the collar of his shirt. He already has makeup on. “It’s eight thirty.” 

“What?!” Gyuvin jumps out of bed, tripping over his feet as he looks around for his clothes from the day prior. “I have class at nine! Why didn’t you wake me up?!” he’s indignant and with a reason. He really can’t miss class as close to his midterm as he is. 

“You were sleeping so soundly, I felt sorry.” the calmness of his speech pisses Gyuvin off. 

“Well, the next bus passes at nine so thanks a lot for making me miss my class, man.” he’s already stripping out of his underwear, frantically trying to pull his used jeans up his legs. 

“You could’ve set an alarm, you know? And I told you yesterday that I’m dropping you off. Chill.” the way he looks at Gyuvin as he curses under his breath for getting his foot in the rip that goes over his knee instead of the right one has traces of amusement in it. It makes Gyuvin want to scream. “You can wear my clothes if you want. I have a pair of jeans somewhere in my closet.” 

Gyuvin is too angry and definitely too embarrassed to say a thing. 

He storms off to Ricky’s closet, finds the jeans – one of the two pairs he owns – and combines it with one of his own hoodies that has stayed over at Ricky’s in one of the first times they’ve had sex. It’s an awful memory to recall first thing in the morning, but he can’t do much. 

His toothbrush is an old acquaintance of Ricky’s bathroom, so he has no issue tidying himself up to go out. He’s done in ten minutes and by the time he joins the living room, Ricky’s already there, on the couch and on his phone as he always is. 

“Give me five minutes to dry my hair and we can go.” Gyuvin has no choice but to wait. 

The sound of the hairdryer reaches all the way to where he is, and he can’t help but feel uneasy. Everything from last night was weird; he didn’t even have sex in mind when he first stepped through Ricky’s door, and that wasn’t the goal for him either, seemingly, but they did it anyway and it was weird. Rushed, desperate, two rounds of roughly clawing at each other as if they had a point to prove. The point being that they’re friends. 

Do friends fuck each other raw?

“All done?” he’s pulled out of his anxious spiral by Ricky himself, hair dry and wearing a black trench coat over his clothes. He looks very good but Gyuvin won’t allow himself to ogle. 

Instead he goes to put on his shoes, backpack already in tow, and he’s out the door before Ricky himself. He, too, puts on his boots and grabs his phone, wallet and car keys before following Gyuvin to the hallway, the walk to the elevator silent save for their footsteps echoing through the floor. There’s really not much to be said, if Gyuvin thinks about it, but he knows Ricky’s quietness is a direct response to his own hostility. He wishes he could be normal about it. About him. 

Ricky’s car is a new model, discreet enough but definitely expensive, and Gyuvin is reminded once more that Ricky really doesn’t need him. He could do anything he wanted with his life, have anyone he wished to, yet it’s Gyuvin taking the passenger seat by his side and being driven to school when Ricky didn’t even have to wake up early if he didn’t want to. It makes him feel bothered. 

“Are you hungry?” Ricky asks as he drives out of the parking lot of his building, careful to look both sides before getting the car into the street. 

“Not really.” lie. Gyuvin could eat a whole table if it was in front of him, but he truly doesn’t think he can stomach spending any more time with Ricky like this. 

“Make sure to eat something when you can, though. You need to eat well.” it’s a pointless reminder. Both have awful eating habits, but at least Ricky tries to keep a somewhat healthy diet. Gyuvin doesn’t. 

There’s no further answers.

It doesn’t take long for Ricky to be parking on his usual spot in the college parking lot. It’s full as expected, and for a moment, Gyuvin worries what people would think of him getting out of Ricky Shen’s car at 8:58 in the morning of a Thursday. 

But then again, it’s not like they haven’t been seen together before. As friends, of course, because that’s what they are. 

Fuck everything, really. 

“Have a good day.” Ricky wishes, surprisingly cordial. Gyuvin wants to throw up. 

“Thank you.” he doesn’t wish back. It’s easier to storm out of Ricky’s car without saying goodbye than having to deal with the fact that he wants him beyond the flesh. 

•

Having a bad day is a given. 

Class sucks, Gyuvin is hungry and by the time he sits down to have lunch with Gunwook, he’s sure that one wrong move would actually cause him to explode. 

Of course, his best friend doesn’t let that pass. 

“What’s with you?” he asks while chewing around a mouthful of stew, finally putting his phone down for a second. He’s been engrossed in talking with this one boy from Canada who’s a recent transfer and he absolutely needs to bang. His words, not Gyuvin’s. 

“I slept with Ricky.” it’s all that comes out. Gunwook stops chewing. 

“Well… fork found in the kitchen?” Gunwook is not unfamiliar with Ricky or his weird relationship with Gyuvin. None of their friends are new to their thing. 

“We’re friends.” saying it out loud makes the slice of pizza he’s chewing taste awful. He pushes it away, suddenly nauseous. 

“Okay.” Gunwook nods, bites his lip and stares at Gyuvin for a long, still moment. His eyebrows are furrowed under his bangs, as if he’s thinking hard about what to say. “Look, man, I’m trying really hard to figure out why is that a problem but I’m not finding it. Haven’t you guys been doing it, like, forever?” he says then, and Gyuvin huffs, exasperated. 

“I don’t wanna be friends with him, Gunwook. That’s the problem.”

“Right.” slow and dragged, Gunwook answers, still having that awfully confused expression on his face. Gyuvin wants to get up and flip the table. “And what do you intend to do about it?” 

“Literally nothing?” as if stating the obvious. Gunwook gapes at him, glasses slightly askew on the bridge of his nose. 

“What?” 

“What?” 

“What’s wrong with you?” Gyuvin could make a list to answer Gunwook’s question, but he isn’t given a chance. “If you don’t wanna be friends with him anymore then don’t? You’re not his only friend. He’ll be fine.” Gunwook is really, really not getting it. 

“That’s not the point.” Gyuvin clenches his fists, on edge. “I don’t wanna be just friends, Gunwook. Get it?” realization finally melts into Gunwook’s face.

“Oh.” he lets out, face blank. For such a smart guy, Gunwook is annoyingly naive. “Well. That is a problem.” 

“That’s what I just told you.” he chugs down his soda, slamming the cup back on the table so hard it shakes. “Last night he said some shit about ‘spending more time together as friends’ and I wanted to kill myself in front of him.” 

“But you had sex anyway?” 

“That’s what I’m saying!” Gyuvin’s too aggravated to mind the volume of his voice. “What the fuck do I do?” 

“Tell him?” 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yes? See, that’s the issue with you people. Half your problems will be solved if you simply communicate.” he emphasizes the word as if Gyuvin doesn’t know what it means. 

“Yeah, so let’s say I do it and he doesn’t feel the same. Then what?” 

“Then you move on with your life like the big boy you are.” he’s back to chewing his stew, as if what he has just stated isn’t the most difficult thing Gyuvin will ever do in his short lived 20 years. “I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll figure it out. Plus, Ricky might be a bitch sometimes, but he’s nice. He’ll break your heart kindly if he has to.” 

Gyuvin never finishes his pizza. 

•

The talk with Ricky gets put off for a whole month before Gyuvin decides that tonight is the night. 

It’s the end of the semester, a friend of Hanbin’s friend is throwing a party at her sorority and everyone’s invited. Of course Ricky’s going. That’s the perfect excuse Gyuvin needs to get buzzed, drag him to a corner and confess how he truly feels. 

It’ll be easy. They had mind blowing sex literally the day prior. It’ll work out. 

That’s what he keeps telling himself in order to not lose his mind as gets ready to go. He doesn’t mind dressing up too much; it’s cold as balls outside, so a long sleeved sweatshirt with black jeans and a letter jacket will do. His thickest pair of boots on and he’s ready to go. 

(He also does make sure his hair is decent and that he has sprayed enough perfume to be noticeable but not overwhelming, but that is something he won’t admit even if asked.) 

It’s a short walk to the party site and Gyuvin’s hit by loud music and the overpowering scent of weed the moment he steps in. There’s a lot of people; girls in shorts so tiny he doubts they can be called that, boys playing beer pong and a lot of dancing bodies on the makeshift dance floor. 

One of them is Hanbin. His face lights up when Gyuvin waves his hand. 

“Gyuvin! Hi!” he all but throws himself into Gyuvin’s arms, completely trusting him to keep his wobbly legs from giving out under his weight. 

“Oh my God, how drunk are you?” his question is made around a laugh, Hanbin’s face red and his eyes droopy when he giggles. 

“He didn’t have too much to drink but you know how he gets.” Hao comes out of nowhere, smiling and looking a little tipsy himself. He’s stunning in his white button down. “Looking good, Gyuvinie.” he makes an attempt at winking an eye at Gyuvin, failing miserably. 

“Thank you.” still, he chuckles, both at their drunkenness and at the way Hanbin hasn’t let go, now nuzzling his face on his neck like a cat. It tickles. “Where are the others?” he doesn’t like the fact that he has to scream to be heard, but he’s got no choice. 

“Taerae is busy somewhere sucking face with Jiwoong and Gunwook is trying to get into the new boy’s pants. What’s his name again? Matthew?” Hao’s face is one of genuine confusion. 

“Oh, Matthew! He’s so nice, babe, isn’t he?” Hanbin slurs, finally getting his head up, eyelids heavy when he blinks. 

“Yes, baby, he’s super nice.” Hao caresses his head, a fond little smile to his face when he does. 

“What about Ricky? Did you guys see him?” Gyuvin tries his damn hardest to sound casual about it. 

“Oh, yeah! I think I saw him with some dude… Jay? James? I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in a while.” the shrug Hao gives is nonchalant, still too engrossed in coddling Hanbin to notice Gyuvin’s inner turmoil. 

“Right.” he nods, swallowing down the lump on his throat and willing himself to not react. “So what are you guys drinking? Where can I get some?” 

And this is how Gyuvin gets tangled between Hao and Hanbin on the dance floor, chugging bottle after bottle of beer and completely ignoring his self-given task at hand. 

Gyuvin sees Ricky looming around. He laughs and dances and drinks and talks to everyone, but not to Gyuvin, and that makes his stomach churn. He catches Ricky’s eye once, then twice and again, yet nothing he does seems to lure Ricky in. Gyuvin feels ordinary. Unworthy. Ignored. 

Ricky and his friends can go to hell. 

Gunwook comes by at some point. Gyuvin meets Matthew. He is, in fact, very sweet and nice, which makes it so it is a shocker when he all but jumps on Gunwook after they’ve been humping on each other for a song or two. Taerae and Jiwoong look like a mess when they join; they definitely fucked, if the rumpled clothes and hickeys are to consider. They smell a little like it, too. 

Matthew lights a blunt. It gets passed around their little group and Gyuvin’s feelings are too big for him to not take a couple of hits. He feels floaty, like all his worries have gone down the drain, and when some guy comes up behind him to dance, he doesn’t think much of it. He entertains him, even; sways his hips with the beat, leans on the chest that is glued to his back and allows his waist to be grabbed. 

It’s fun. He’s sweating. 

“What’s your name?” he hears the guy ask, mouth stuck to his ear, and the hairs of his nape stand. 

“Gyuvin.” he answers easily, not really caring if the guy heard or not. 

“Where’s that from?” 

“Korea.” 

“Cool. I’m Mike.” it’s not like Gyuvin really wants to know. He just wants to keep dancing. 

Mike, however, seems to have other plans. 

They grind until the end of the song, which is when Gyuvin feels Mike press closer, too close, and there’s the unmistakable, hard outline of something poking against his hip. 

He freezes. 

“Wanna get out of here?” he doesn’t know if Mike took his stillness as a positive response, but the sudden suggestion makes Gyuvin blanch. 

Panicked, he tries to free himself from the hold, but Mike’s strong and looking for an answer. 

“Huh, I– Sorry, I don’t–“ 

“That’s enough.” a strong pull to his wrist has him away from Mike entirely. 

He’s off balance for a beat, being steadied by the hand that just pulled him clamping around his bicep. He looks to his side to see the hand is Ricky’s and that he’s there, sending a dirty glare at Mike, who doesn’t look so happy about having his candy stolen. 

“What the fuck? He was enjoying it.” the indignant scowl Mike wears is almost scary. Now that Gyuvin is looking at him, that hunk of a man is not his type. 

“I couldn’t give a fuck less.” and Ricky gives him his back, starting to pull Gyuvin again to what he vaguely registers is the exit. 

He lets himself be pulled, out of the sorority house and all the way into campus, in a stride that Gyuvin’s intoxicated brain is having a hard time keeping up with. 

“Where the fuck are we going?” he has half the mind to ask, sounding too slurred to his own ears. Curse Matthew’s weed. 

“Away from there and that fucking hunk. He had his hands all over you and you can’t even stand up straight, what the fuck was he thinking?” Ricky sounds breathless, angry; Gyuvin doesn’t like it. 

“He wasn’t doing anything, I wasn’t going to let him.” his words are met with no response. Ricky keeps pulling and his hold is too tight. “Can you let me the fuck go? What’s wrong with you?” he trashes to pull his arm free, halting both their steps when he manages to. 

“You’re shitfaced and telling me you’re capable of stopping someone from doing something to you?” now that Gyuvin is actually looking at him, Ricky seems sober. He looks amazing with his red sweater and tight jeans but that’s besides the point. 

Anger gets the best of him. 

“And why the fuck do you care?” his voice comes out louder than he plans. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel so out of it. 

“Oh, I’m sorry for not wanting you to get fucking raped or something.” the mere idea of it makes Gyuvin stiffen. 

“It wasn’t going to happen. I can look after myself.” maybe not in his current state, but Gyuvin’s not a doll. He can put up a fight if he has to. “And again, why do you care? Weren’t you with James or whatever his name is?” 

“It’s Jay. And I care because I don’t want shit happening to you, okay? Why are you here anyway? You don’t even come to these parties.” 

“So not only are you policing my fun now, you’re also telling me where I should and shouldn’t be? Fuck you.” he spits out, acid, staring Ricky dead in the eye. “I came here because I wanted to talk to you, but literally everyone gets your undivided attention but me, right? Why don’t you just go back to your party and your other friends? Oh, wait, I know why. It’s because none of them will let you toy them like I do, isn’t it? Because none of them is as easy to fuck as I am.” 

“What the fuck are you saying?” 

“The fucking truth? That you only keep me around because you like how easy it is to get into my pants? That you like the fact that I’ll always be here at your beck and call because I’m fucking stupid and will accept being your friend just for the sake of being with you?” 

“Gyuvin, I–“

“Two years, Ricky. Two years of you keeping me in this short fucking leash, of calling me only when there’s no one else to fuck you and pretending we’re nothing after. Two years of you playing with my heart and expecting me to be okay with it. And you know what? I’m done. I’m done with your bullshit. You can go find someone else to be your little boytoy.” his steps are hard against the floor when he storms off, but they don’t take him very far. 

“Wait.” Ricky’s hand clamps around his forearm, just as strong as the first time, and he naturally stops in his tracks. 

There’s a still moment of silence filled by nothing but their heavy breathing. Gyuvin’s heart is pounding, his head is spinning and every single bone in his body is screaming at him to dislodge himself, to run, to hide. 

Ricky doesn’t let him. Both his arms wrap around Gyuvin from behind, bodies so close together they might as well merge, and Gyuvin has never really wanted to leave. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, okay?” comes the rushed, almost whispered apology. The fan of Ricky’s breath against his nape sends goosebumps down Gyuvin’s spine. “I never knew this is how you felt. I– I would’ve told you so many things sooner if I did.” 

“Ricky, wh–“

“No, let me speak.” his voice is more certain now. He still won’t let go, still won’t look at Gyuvin, but he sounds sure of himself. “I’ve liked you for longer than you can imagine. From the first time I laid my eyes on you, Gyuvin.” the gasp that comes out his mouth is one of pure shock. It doesn’t stop Ricky and his rambling. “I wanted you to like me so bad but everything I did pissed you off. I was losing hope but then we kissed that one time and I took you back to my place and no one had ever been so sweet to me. And I never knew what I meant to you, you never told me, so I just kept coming back to you because that’s what I thought it meant for you and you were there every time. I needed you then and I need you now but I never knew you needed me too. You never seemed to.” his voice wobbles and Gyuvin’s heart breaks. 

“What do you mean?” he turns around, then, bending his neck to catch Ricky’s eyes that are cast down to the ground. 

“You were always so up there in your bubble. You always seemed to have everything figured out and I felt like I was just bringing chaos to your life. I party too much and I spend too much and I have too many fake friends and everything I do is futile compared to you. My body is the only thing that I can offer.” 

“Stop saying that.” Gyuvin’s frustrated when he says it, both hands coming to take a hold of Ricky’s face. “Where did you get this from? Who told you that?” 

“No one has to tell me anything, Gyuvin. I know. I like you and it’s selfish because I know I’m not worth it.” 

“I’m the one who decides that, alright?” more definitive than gentle. “I don’t give a shit about how much you party or how much you spend and all your friends can get fucked. I like you because you’re kind, and smart. And because you’re funny and your smile makes me smile and I like how you smell and I feel like I’m flying when you kiss me and you are very pretty and hot but that’s not all that there is to you. You’re more than that and I like all of it.” 

“Do you really?” sounding small again, like if he talks too loud their moment will break and everything will vanish. 

“I do. Do you think I would’ve made this scene if I didn’t?” they both laugh, wet, pathetic chuckles that get lost in the wind.

“I’m so sorry.” Gyuvin brings their foreheads together in an attempt to hush Ricky, closing his eyes to bask in the rush of emotion that bathes them. 

“It’s fine. We’ll figure it out, okay?” Ricky’s nod is minimal. His hands are a solid, certain weight on Gyuvin’s waist. “Why don’t we go home? We can go to my dorm, I’ll shower this buzz off and then we’ll talk more. How does that sound?” 

“Perfect.” 

•

There’s something about Ricky wearing his clothes that makes Gyuvin kind of want to crawl up the walls. 

They’re both freshly showered, laying on their sides in his bed with the lights off, only the bedside lamp to light up the room in a yellow, warm glow. Ricky’s swaddled by one of Gyuvin’s hoodies and a pair of his most comfortable basketball shorts, and if he had to stare at his face all night long, he would. 

That can be an activity for the future, though. 

“Are you really good, though? You seemed pretty out of it.” Ricky’s voice is low, sweet. Not yet a whisper but almost there. 

“I was, but I’m back now. Matthew’s weed was something else.” he does feel slightly dopey, but it’s nothing compared to what he felt at the party. He’s fully alert now. 

“Great.” Ricky scoots closer, big brown eyes looking up at Gyuvin like he hung the stars. “Did you really mean everything you said?” his question catches Gyuvin off guard, as does his hand sneaking under the blanket to reach Gyuvin’s and intertwine their fingers together. 

“I said a lot of things. I fear you’ll have to be a little more specific.” he brings their hands up to his chest, holding them close to his heart. 

“That I think you’re easy to fuck and that I only keep you around because I want to get into your pants?” Gyuvin sighs. 

“I guess I could’ve been a little more prude with my words, but it definitely felt like it at some point. Now that I know how you feel, though, I get it.” Ricky hums in understanding. “Did you mean it, though? The things you said?” 

“What, exactly?” 

“That you’ve liked me before we fucked and that you need me?” there’s the hints of a smile trying to tug at the corners of his mouth. 

“I’m completely sober, you know. I stand by everything I said.” Ricky’s smile is small, shy. It’s also the cutest thing Gyuvin has ever seen. 

“We’ll have to work around a lot of stuff.” because, despite the confession, more than half the things that came out of Ricky’s mouth are absurd. “But since we’re coming clean, I gotta tell you something, too.”

“And what is it?”

“Do you remember, the first time we fucked?” Gyuvin’s cheeks heat, both at the memory and at what he’s about to say. 

“Yeah. What about it?”

“That was also, like, my first time. Ever. Of all times.” Ricky’s whole face gapes. 

“You’re not serious.”

“I am.”

“What the fuck? Why did you never tell me?!” he sounds alarmed, sitting on the bed to stare Gyuvin down with wide eyes. He laughs.

“I thought you had figured it out.” a simple shrug, amused by Ricky’s reaction. 

“I never did! So that’s why you were asking me literally everything that night. I thought you were just being sweet.” there’s a betrayed look to his face but no heat to it. 

“I am sweet, but yeah. That’s also why I fingered you for so long. I was scared of coming the moment I put my dick in you.” there’s no more room for embarrassment. Ricky laughs, loud and squeaky, laying back down with an oof. 

“That is actually a crazy thing to say.” but he’s still chuckling with his speech. “It’s really hot, though. But did you ever get to, like, fuck anyone else?” there’s seemingly no hard feelings on his end. 

“When you did your semester abroad, yeah. I fucked, like, two people.” Ricky hums again, thumbing circles on Gyuvin’s hand. “And you wanna know something else about that?”

“Since we’re here anyway, sure.” 

“I didn’t let them top me.” the confession is met with silence. Gyuvin looks at Ricky only to see him already staring. “So, for that matter… you’re still the only one.” 

“Holy shit, you can’t just say that.” 

“Why not?” 

“‘Cause now my dick is hard and I gotta get it in you when we’re supposed to be sorting our shit out.” 

“We can keep sorting our shit out in the morning, you know.” and he doesn’t mean to sound sultry. Not really. 

But Ricky’s looking at him like that and his free hand is under Gyuvin’s shirt and he’s a gone man, for all that it is worth. 

Having sex with Ricky is fun, has always been. He’s as good of a receiver as he is of a giver, and he’s one of many facets; sometimes he’s mouthy and bossy and wants everything his way, sometimes he’s compliant and docile and allows Gyuvin to do whatever he wants. Sometimes he’s both. Makes Gyuvin really work for it before giving himself entirely.

Ricky has never treated him like he does tonight. 

He takes his time. Kisses Gyuvin sweet and slow, mouths and licks and sucks at every single part of his body, leaves him shaking and saying please. Breaks him down in a thousand little pieces, touches him like he’s something special, like he means to be right where he is, between Gyuvin’s legs, holding them open with a hand while the other makes him see stars from the inside. And when he slips in, steady and gentle, Gyuvin thinks he might cry. 

Ricky holds both his hands above his head, fingers laced tenderly, and Gyuvin can do nothing but call his name around every moan, rendered useless by his feelings and the pleasure shooting up his spine with every drag of Ricky’s dick. His back arches, skin on fire, and Ricky’s so close; Gyuvin can feel every single inch of his body, above him and inside, his voice luring him to madness as he keeps whining in his ear, whispering sweet nothings and calling him his baby. 

There’s pressure everywhere. A hot, coiling sensation in the pit of his belly, everything tightening and tensing, about to snap, right there; and then, he hears himself say it:

“I love you.” choked off, broken, and he’s falling. 

It’s silent. His thighs shake with it, hands gripping Ricky’s so tight he’s sure the indents of his nails will be carved on them, head thrown back and all the air punched out of his lungs. It’s messy, sticky between their bodies, but Ricky holds him through it. He kisses his neck and his shoulder and his cheek and then his mouth, bringing him back through gasps and licking his tears away when they fall. 

He takes his hands away from Gyuvin’s. Leans back on his heels, pulls him in by the back of his knees and angles his hips so they’re up off the bed, picking up his pace as Gyuvin whimpers his way to oversensitivity. Ricky looks gorgeous, sweaty and flushed and glistening with Gyuvin’s release all over his stomach, and it takes him no more than a couple of thrusts to still, gasping and whimpering and shaking as he paints Gyuvin’s insides white. 

The springs of the mattress complain when he throws himself by Gyuvin’s side. They’re panting, both spent beyond belief, and Gyuvin’s mind doesn’t feel attached to his body, floating somewhere else where there’s only him and Ricky and a hundred pink hearts dancing around them. 

He’s back to his senses eventually, anchored by the way Ricky tucks himself under his chin, so close it’s hard to tell when one begins and the other ends. 

“So you love me, huh?” it’s what breaks their silence, Ricky’s voice teasing and relaxed. Gyuvin huffs. 

“Shut the fuck up.” he pinches Ricky right above the ribs, earning a squirm, a swat to his arm and an ugly combination of words. He’s smiling, though. “Say it back.” 

“What?” 

“Say that you love me back. Right now.” 

“What if I don’t, though?” Ricky’s still teasing. His eyes gleam with mischief and his smirk is taunting, but the implication that he might not grabs Gyuvin right by the collar. 

He’s quick when he turns around and now he’s the one pressing Ricky down to the bed, both hands caging his wrists against the mattress. It’s evident that he wasn’t expecting such a turn of events, eyes wide and smile gone when he looks up at Gyuvin. 

“I said that I love you and I mean it and I want you to love me back so say it. Now.” he’s fully serious, a frown to his brow and a twist to his lip. 

Ricky’s eyes go soft. He slips his wrists off Gyuvin’s hold, grabs him by the neck and brings him close, so close their breaths mingle. 

“I love you.” slow, pronouncing every word carefully. Gyuvin’s heart sings. “I love you, ok? I really do. I mean it.” he leaves a peck on Gyuvin’s mouth, then, smiling sweet and soft. 

It makes Gyuvin’s blood run hot again. 

“Get on your hands and knees.” and the softness is immediately gone from Ricky’s smile, replaced by heat as he rushes to get into position. 

They’ll work it out. That’s for sure. 

•

“Hi, Gunwook.” Ricky waves a hand at their friend, smiling brief but kindly before rounding the table to grab Gyuvin by the cheeks. “And hi to you, baby.” the kiss he leaves on his mouth is sloppy, way too passionate for the place and hour, but Gyuvin doesn’t give a shit. It’s nine in the morning, everyone at the campus cafe can see them and he couldn’t care less. “Remember to take your trash out today, yeah? I’ll be picking you up at seven.” it’s what he says when he’s done, slipping his card out of his wallet and handing it over to Gyuvin. “Go buy yourself something nice before going home. Send me pictures.” another peck. Gyuvin nods, dumb dumb dumb. “Call me if anything. Have a good day!” and he storms off with another wave of his hand, leaving behind a Gyuvin with the stupidest smile known to man and a Gunwook with eyes so wide they might as well pop out of his head. 

“Okay. What the fuck was that?” his question is met with nothing but a shrug from Gyuvin, who sips away at his coffee in pure contentment. “What did I miss? What just happened?”

“Communication happened, dear.” he will absolutely spare Gunwook the details of their weekend. He doesn’t need to know about the fighting and the talking, even less about the fucking. 

“So what now? Are you guys dating or what?” he sounds incredulous. Gyuvin can’t stop grinning. 

“You’ll figure it out.” using his card right back on him. 

“You’re a bitch.” squinting and scowling. Gyuvin laughs. “Guess you really do deserve each other.” 

Yeah, they do. Gyuvin can live with that.