Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jaehyun was having it. He was having the night of his life. Even if the pasts months haven’t been entirely up to his expectations, today was it.

With only 25 years old, Jaehyun had the rest of his life ahead, and he was knowingly excited for; he finished his Performing Arts and Music degree a couple of years ago, now just working as a musician, but freelancer. He wasn’t that unemployed, as he worked in a cafeteria down his apartment. Jaehyun had traveled, he was born here in Seoul, moved to the United States for a while for some family stuff, and then came back, but he always liked to travel whenever he could.

He also had a great relationship with his family, thanks to his parents he got the passion for the music and that’s something he would always be grateful for. Thanks to them he got to enjoy music since he was a very small child, and learning about all kinds of music has always been a passion of Jaehyun. He did have his own taste, but he was always searching for new sounds and inspirations. As a result, he loved writing poems, songs, and sometimes stories too. He loved writing about every thought he had during the day, it didn’t mind if it was stupid or an even an epiphany, he just had to write it down.

Throughout his childhood, he didn’t get to make many friends when he was living abroad, and when he came back, the cultural shock was big enough for him to make it very hard to adapt again, but with effort he became one of the most popular kids in the school, even if he was very introverted and insightful, but he always looked like the opposite of it. Because of this, he sometimes gave off some impressions that weren’t true and had to fight against them, but he managed still to get to know great people along the way; Jungwoo still being right by his side.

In university, this foreigner outgoing vibe was still present in his persona, and he felt closer to it than a few years ago, but still; he felt misunderstood way too many times, and had some difficulties meeting people, but just because he didn’t know any better. No one really understood how Jaehyun’s head worked, but he didn’t mind at all. He also met there some friends, like Mark, which was the one that could understand Jaehyun the most with the whole foreigner thing, as he wasn’t Korean, but Canadian, Jeno, which was the one that could understand how misjudged Jaehyun was perceived based on his appearance, and Taeyong, which was the one that could just predict every silly thing Jaehyun did, even if the oldest was really against it.

Last, but not least, during his university years he met his girlfriend, Seulgi. They have been dating for two and a half years now, and Jaehyun couldn’t be happier. Seulgi was a very sweet girl, funny and outgoing. They understood each other fairly, they didn’t fight that much, and her friends got along super well with his, he was extremely happy about this last fact.

But lately, Jaehyun wasn’t feeling his best. Overall, he was doing okay, but he was making some quick decisions in such short time, and they always hit him back like a boomerang.

He decided to apply to a cafeteria to earn some money, but the constant dealing with costumers face-to-face thing was more than exhausting: teenagers acting like they haven’t touched some grass in a long time, adults making him feel stupid about every silly mistake, people his age ordering some fancy coffee to take to their fancy offices,… And on top of that, he really had a couple of awful coworkers and a very stupid manager.

Because of this working thing, he decided to keep on renting his old apartment just because it was extremely close to the cafeteria, even if the apartment was awful: a small studio with a small fridge, no microwave, a small oven, and the bathroom was straight up claustrophobic. It was very cheap, and that let him save a lot from his payroll but still, he asked himself every night after laying down in his bed if it was really worth it.

He also thought about working in something so not related with his dreams, he didn’t want to be a bartender, he wanted to make music for god’s sake. And he didn’t have so much time because he asked his boss to overwork in order to save more money. It was a never ending vicious circle.

That left him with no time whatsoever, no time for the music, no time for his family, or friends, or Seulgi.

He used to see his parents twice a week, and now? Well, lucky for them if they saw Jaehyun’s face once a month.

Same with his friends, but they had real jobs, as Jaehyun liked to call them: Taeyong was a university teacher, Jungwoo was a community manager, Mark was a sport radio host and Jeno was a model. They all had real contracts, earning fair money, and having free time to meet everyone they wished. Jaehyun sometimes felt left out because of that, a lot of the times he couldn’t meet up with them, but it was Jaehyun’s fault entirely, his friends did nothing wrong. But he felt bad.

But the worst thing about these months and the lack of management of his time was undoubtably Seulgi. He didn’t have time to meet her, he didn’t have a lot of money to go out with her, and he honestly was a bit worn out of the relationship. They didn’t have big fights, but because his lack of communication, when they had fights, they were big. It wasn’t that Seulgi asked him things he couldn’t do, but his insecurity again acted up against him, already placing himself in the worst position ever.

They weren’t the best months of Jaehyun’s 20s, but he still pulled through. But today was different.

Today, 14^th February, it was Jaehyun’s birthday. As usual, he already got all day scheduled. Well, not even the day but the whole week, but it was already Thursday. His birthday was a huge deal for him, and his friends, family and Seulgi knew it, so everyone was already looking forward to it whenever February started.

On Monday, he spent the afternoon with Jungwoo, Mark, Jeno and Taeyong playing basketball in the university campus. After that, he went to see Seulgi, because it was her birthday, and he didn’t give her the present he ordered online (a squishmallow, a very expensive lipstick and a vibrator with remote control) because the delivery was late. She seemed mad at first, but after inviting her to a nice place to have dinner and spending the night together, Seulgi wakes up feeling better.

On Tuesday, they spent the whole night playing board games, along with Seulgi and his friends, so they could celebrate her birthday too. When the girls left, they thought about going to sleep, but they ended up all going to the rooftop and watched the sunrise.

On Wednesday he went with his parents to a bunch of museums in Seoul, he knew her mother loved them, and after that, they all went to a local restaurant in their parents village that they used to visit whenever it was one of their birthdays.

On Thursday it was the actual birthday, so he woke up the most excited. He and his friends already got the Friday off, so this was going to be a 4-day weekend.

Around 5 pm they met at Mark, Jeno and Taeyong’s  apartment so they could give them his presents: Jungwoo gave him a camping-trip weekend pack for the five of them, Mark gave him a bunch of stationary things so he could pick up with his journalism (Jaehyun just used his phone notes, but Mark insisted that writing his thoughts in paper was better for his understanding). Jeno gave him tickets to a DAY6 concert and Taeyong gave him a hand-picked set of second-hand outfits, matching Jaehyun vibe to a T.

"It’s giving frat boy" Jungwoo said, picking up a baseball cup "Jaehyun are you really going to wear those?"

Mark picked up the jeans Jungwoo was pointing up, and place them over his clothes to simulate the outfit "These baggy jeans are insane"

"But those are like baggy baggy jeans" Jeno said, making everyone laugh.

Around seven they had around a couple of beers at the apartment when they decided it was time to head downtown. They started at their favorite bar, Designer. In this bar, you could literally design your own drink: they had an immense number of beers, liquors, fruits, even ice shapes. It was the craziest thing, and the drinks they made always meet the expectations of the place.

"So" Taeyong said, standing up with his drink on his hand "I present to you HIT, with same amount of rum and tequila and soda with a hint of cilantro and sphere ice cubes. This is supposed to hit the fuck out of your soberness"

"I created God of Light Music" said Jaehyun, standing up while his friends rolled up his eyes, always bringing the same topic to the table "it has dark rum, fresh lemon juice, a dash of honey topped with sparkling water and some champagne"

"Jesus Christ Jaehyun, it shows you are not paying" Jungwoo was up next "With coconut rum, pineapple juice and mint, I present you Drift Away"

"Y’all are so fed up with the citric juices" Mark said in English, more drunk than tipsy, unable to stand "Vodka, amaretto, cranberry juice and lemon peel, with crushed ice. Her name is Last Night" He said, kissing his glass

"I swear you guys are just pussies" Jeno said, confidently raising his drink "Pang!" he said, pointing a gun made with his fingers to his drink "Gin, Aperol, jalapeño syrup and a sprig of thyme"

They couldn’t contain themselves and laughed so hard they almost knocked their Designer drinks. They all voted Taeyong’s was the best one and ordered another round after that one with his cocktail. After ten, they were all starting to get drunk and went outside to the main street to have a couple of pizza slides while they waited for Seulgi and her friends.

It was almost midnight when they appeared giggling and clearly drunker than them. They greeted each other, Seulgi quickly clinging into Jaehyun’s arm, and he held her tightly, kissing her head.

"You look amazing baby" he said and crouched to kiss her "God you taste awful, is that vodka?"

"We have been also pre-partying" Irene said, smiling proudly

They decided to go to their usual pub, Kick it. The security guys recognized them, one of them asking Jaehyun if he was ready for tonight.

"I am going all out" Jaehyun said, friendly joking

They were getting down the stairs, but Seulgi was having trouble because she was drunk, so Jaehyun obviously helped her out. The place was crowded enough for them to move freely, getting quickly to their usual booth just to leave some jackets and jump directly into the dance floor. As always, Taeyong started going off with his moves, Mark and Jeno making a stupid competition and Jungwoo was playfully scoring his dances.

"You are too hot Seulgi" Jaehyun said as he was dancing with his girlfriend "Smoke could be coming out the boombox and burn this place down I would never realize, I cannot take my eyes out of you"

She smiled, feeling highly praised by him. Jaehyun placed a couple of kisses down her neck, but she pulled away from him and went to talk to her friends. He felt oddly weird about it and wanted to approach her and ask, but he wasn’t even sure what to say, so he just turned and went to have some fun with his friend.

After half an hour, Seulgi tapped his arm, mumbling something about wanting to leave, and Jaehyun told her to leave, that it was okey. She rolled her eyes and walked out on him. When he turned, he saw his friends looking at him with disbelief in their eyes.

"What?" he asked

"Dude, go after her" Mark said, pointing at the door "You cannot let her leave like that"

"But she is coming back, and I don’t want to get out yet, it’s so cold!"

"Jaehyun she is not coming back? She said she was going to leave" Jungwoo said

He stopped moving, connected the remaining neurons after the amount of vodka he had in his body and ran after her. Even if he thought he was going to die climbing up the stairs, he made it to the street safely, almost with no time because Seulgi was in a taxi queue.

"Seulgi wait!" Jaehyun raised his hand, screaming so he could grab her attention. People looked at him weirdly as he run across the street, but he didn’t mind. He hugged her when he reached the queue "Sorry, I thought you meant leaving as in leaving for a moment and then coming back"

"And why would I mean that Jaehyun?" Seulgi said angrily

"Because it’s my birthday? And it’s not even two?" He said with the most expressive face he could "Why do you want to leave?"

"Because I am tired!"

"Then you should have told me that" Jaehyun tried to explain

"Oh look who’s talking now"

As Jaehyun looked at her confusedly because of the sudden tone change, Seulgi stepped out the queue, her friends also stepping out with them but letting them enough space to have a conversation. A drunk guy suddenly walked next to them, selling roses to celebrate the end of Valentines day, and Jaehyun quickly gestured him to leave.

"See?" Seulgi raised her voice, pointing at the flower-guy "You didn’t even get me flowers for Valentine’s day"

"And you didn’t either? And, it’s my birthday also, and I don’t recall you giving me anything as a present or even texting me?"

"I thought you didn’t care for presents, because you clearly didn’t care for mine!" Seulgi crossed her arms in her chest, and that meant denial.

"And I don’t! But I thought you didn’t care for presents either! We fucking talked about it! The fucking delivery was late! What the fuck do you want me to do?" Jaehyun was raising his voice now too, getting to worked up on the argument

"I would like something nice Jaehyun!" She raised her hands, gesturing like crazy "I would like some attention, maybe even some quality time! Every fucking afternoon you got free you spend it with your friends" She was now talking with tears in her eyes "I had the most awful day, and you didn’t even ask me Jaehyun! I am so fucking tired!"

"Then go rest, we can talk tomorrow{"

"No because this is something I can’t talk about with you. I’m tired Jaehyun, I’m tired of you! I’m tired of this! I’m tired of fighting, of not meeting. Jaehyun the lack of attention we both give to each other is alarming, goddamit… I’m no longer excited when I see a text from you, I feel so trapped with you right now… I don’t think this is what I want in my life"

"What are you even saying Seulgi?" Jaehyun couldn’t believe her words

"I know it’s not fair, I know that baby" she says, holding his hands "but I don’t know any other way of doing it, I’m sorry"

Seulgi runs to her friends, in the middle of getting a taxi. Jaehyun stays there, freezing. He looks back and sees the security guards looking at him pitifully, and he feels anger. He doesn’t understand what had just happened, but he can’t experience it, he is sure of it. He runs back inside the club and sees his friends dancing without a clue of what just happened. He looks around, faces getting blurry.

He goes to the bathroom, bumping into a bunch of strangers. They don’t know what Jaehyun is feeling. He doesn’t know what he is feeling either, and maybe that’s why he feels more at ease surrounded by people he had never seen and would probably never see again.

At the queue inside the bathroom, he feels suffocating. He doesn’t recall starting crying, but he does. And some random guy helps him, gets him water and pats him in the shoulder. And Jaehyun tries to kiss him, out of pain, but the other guy steps back and tells him he’s just heartbroken. He laughs at that, just heartbroken.

Jaehyun wants to die.

He feels the urge to get out of there, and he does, stepping out into the same street where Seulgi just dumped him. He starts walking, he even hears Taeyong calling after him, and some calls in his phone, but he just wants to get home. And when he does, he cries. He tries calling Seulgi, but she keeps ignoring it. He tries to text, but after five minutes of nonstop spamming audios about how wrong she is and that she is definitely going to regret it, she just blocks him. Jaehyun is so annoyed by this that he smashes his phone into the floor, cracking the screen.

He picks it up crying, unable to breath like a normal human being. But right now, he doesn’t feel like one, he just feels so much and nothing at the same time. His friends keep calling them, and even if he is just heartbroken, he answers.

"I’m fine, I’m home"

"Check his location" Taeyong says to someone "What happened?"

"Seulgi dumped me"

And he hangs.

He gets to his bed fully clothed and tries to rest, but suddenly the dark studio is lit up again, the sunrise just calling his name. But he doesn’t want the sunrise to call his name, he wants Seulgi to call him. He picks up his phone, but it was dead, and he doesn’t even try to plug it.

He just showers and goes down to work. Like a normal day, in his normal life. He hears his coworkers talking about him and they all talk about how he must be just heartbroken, that he didn’t need to act like someone died. But Jaehyun wants to punch them all, because he thinks he is in fact about to die.

After his shift, he goes to his apartment and finds Seulgi presents’ package on his door. He places them at the back of the last drawer of his closet, not wanting to see it ever again. He falls in his bed, not knowing what hour it was, just knowing that tomorrow he had to go to work again. And that’s his new routine.

He spends his days working and lying in bed afterwards. He doesn’t reply to texts, calls. He doesn’t meet anyone for two months straight. He knows his friends go and try to see him at work, or even ring his house, but he never tries. They know Jaehyun needs time so they don’t overstep, and Jaehyun doesn’t want to see them because he can’t face reality, so he just evades them as much as he can, even if that’s painful for everyone, he is a little bit selfish because he knows facing them would be a hundred times worse.

Sometimes he spends days without talking to anyone outside work, not even his neighbors, and he thinks he is starting to be clinically insane. He stopped writing anything, because every time he grabbed his phone to write down something or picks up a pen, he feels empty, but he can’t stop crying either. Sometimes it gets too bad, the crying, that he can’t breathe normally, and he has to go out his apartment to have fresh air. He tries running, going to the gym, but he knows nothing its going to be the same.

And the worst thing of all, is that he started smoking. And obviously he hates the smell, the taste, even the feeling, because whenever he does it, he feels his heartbeats spiking, but that is the only reassurance he is still alive, even if it sounds dumb. Also, the night Seulgi left him, the alley smelled like that, and he just keeps on repeating the same memory over and over, every time more and more details fading from the original.

One morning, it was around mid-June, he hears the door ringing. He gets up quickly, feeling sleepy still, and he thinks it must be the neighbor or something, because its 8am on a Saturday, so he just opens the door lazily. For his surprise, Mark is there, with a coffee and a bag from his workplace. He tries to close the door, but Mark slams it against the wall.

"Enough" Mark says in English.

It’s been way to long since he talked with his friends, and even more since he hard English, so he has to actually think about the meaning of the word.

"Please go" He says, standing in the door frame

"I am most definitely not going to go dude, you look awful, and you smell like shit" Mark gets his phone out and calls someone "Hi, I’m inside. Yes, he opened the door. Okay, we will wait here"

"Please don’t make them come here"

"They are already here, they are downstairs. We went to your cafeteria and some new guy told us you didn’t work there, and we almost went crazy thinking about you leaving, but we forgot about your whole double name thing, and we asked for Jaehyun, not Yuno. But luckily, your stupid boss was there, and he told us you didn’t work today, so we just knew you were here"

The building door rang, and Mark went directly to open it and eventually everyone got to Jaehyun’s floor and came inside the apartment. Jeno went directly to hug Jaehyun, with a worry in his eyes that he had never seen before in him, Taeyong went directly open the windows and then to the kitchen with Jungwoo, both with grocery bags big enough to feed a whole town. They kissed Jaehyun in the forehead after they saved everything and sat in the bed with him. Jeno was still hugging him, and Mark was pacing up and down the floor of the small flat.

"So" Jungwoo said after sitting down ¨I’m sorry we came here so suddenly, but you didn’t give us any chance. Every time we went to the cafeteria you run inside the kitchen, as if you know how to make waffles you asshole¨

Jaehyun laughed a bit, and that was enough to start crying again. Jeno held him harder, Mark crouched in front of him to hold him too, everyone comforting Jaehyun. And for the first time in months, he felt comforted. He didn’t feel just heartbroken, but also warm. Not so much, but enough for now.

"I’m sorry guys, I’m really sorry. I know I must have worried you sick, but I don’t know" Jaehyun sniffled, feeling like he was going to choke. He moved, and when everyone released him, he stood up and looked at them "I don’t know me, I don’t know myself. After Seulgi left me, I couldn’t stop thinking, but I never reached anything. I never got to a conclusion but just a bunch of thoughts. I can’t connect them; I can’t explain them"

He goes to his nightstand and grabs some cigarettes he had spread along his underwear and body lotions, it’s always the first drawer of a man nightstand. Jaehyun felt 4 pairs of eyes looking at him when he lights it up and dragged it, but they were kind enough to remain silent.

"I hate myself for how I treated her, but honestly, she also did some bad things. I realized we were both kind of toxic with each other, but I was way worse. And for what do I need to know this shit? Is not like I can change it, but I just feel like a piece of shit"

"You will be better with your next partner" Taeyong said and Jaehyun scoffed "What?"

"Next partner, that’s funny. I am not going through this shit ever again, firstly because I didn’t get out of this one yet" Jaehyun sits in his smoking chair, next the window "I just feel so external to everything, I think I’m dissociating"

He looks at his friends, exchanging confused looks between them.

"I see you guys but it’s not like I recognize you, and no" Jaehyun pointed to Taeyong "I am not having a stroke to put the fucking phone down please. I am just not present in my life, like I am being in autopilot for the past’s months. I don’t remember the things I did the pasts weeks, sometimes I look at the mirror and I can’t recognize myself"

Jaehyun admits, only now when he’s verbalizing those things, he starts understanding them better. They spend a couple of minutes in silence, and when Jaehyun finishes smoking, Jeno speaks.

"You should have talked to us at least, let us know you were okay. Jaehyun your parents called Jungwoo every week and we kept lying to them, telling them you and Seulgi broke up and didn’t want to talk to anyone but that you were okay, and we didn’t even know if that was true. If something happened to you, I don’t know what I could have said to them"

"But I am okay" Jaehyun said, trying to comfort his friend

"But you are not" Jungwoo intervened "You need help"

"I am not ready to talk about it, to talk about her. Its already painful enough to talk about myself"

Jaehyun looks out the window, surprisingly there wasn’t a lot of traffic. Some establishments were opening at that moment, rolling up the gates and taking chairs and tables to their terraces. People was already walking in the streets, some of them even running. One of the runners was running with his dog and-

"Jaehyun, are you listening to us?"

He turned his head, so lost in his thought he didn’t even know who asked, but Taeyong looked the most confused, so he made his guess.

"I am sorry"

"Don’t be sorry, just be" Taeyong answered "We need you back, and you also need us bro, even if you don’t think so right now, or even if the mere feeling of looking at me is weird, you need us. Please"

Jaehyun let himself be hugged by him, breaking down to tears again, and then all his friends came to hug him. They were hugging Jaehyun in his smoking chair. He felt stupid, but at least, again, he was feeling something.

-

The next weeks he tried to contact his friends more and more, he tried going to work with a more positive energy because the last thing he needed was getting fired. His new co-worker, Jaemin, was actually a very friendly guy, way younger than him, as Jeno, and that made him feel a bit insecure, because why on earth someone three years younger was working at the same position as him. But overall, things were going a bit better.

He still needed his alone time and didn’t get out in days, only for work. But he was learning again how to be himself.

Over the summer Taeyong moved out the flat because Jungwoo and him moved in together, very close to Jaehyun. He thinks it was intentionally, as they were constantly checking on him and inviting him over, and because of that, Mark and Jeno had to look for a flat mate. Jaehyun also knew Jaemin was looking for a flat, because he had been saving some money while working and living with his parents, so he already introduced Jaemin to his group whenever they came over his work to meet him or pick him up, so they arranged a visit and Jaemin moved in the next week. Everything seemed to be working extremely well.

One day, close to the end of October, Jaehyun faces a step back. And it’s not like he is actively trying to do well, but he’s also not boycotting himself. One night, after going on a walk with Mark, he opens his social media again. He didn’t delete it when Seulgi broke up with him, he has been just too emotional to open them, knowing it could be the death of him. But today, as he was feeling better after his midnight chat with Mark and some fresh air, he does. And he is not opening it casually, he is looking for answers.

He is sitting in his smoking chair when he realizes Seulgi deleted all the photos with him, that she also unfollowed him and his friends, and in that moment Jaehyun realizes that she also lost them along the way. He was about to feel sorry when he sees some highlighted stories, named ¨K <3¨. He flips, opening it right up and starts passing quickly stories and stories about landscapes and dinner dates.

He breathes heavily, but he doesn’t see any tagged account, so he goes through her likes, comments, followers, … but he finds nothing. Maybe he didn’t want to find anything, but he thinks that wasn’t worth it, because he neither got his answers plus he was having a breakdown. So, he deletes his account, the app, and tosses the phone in his bed. Obviously, today wasn’t his lucky day, and he did throw it quite hard, so the phone slides between the bed and the wall.

In order to catch it, he moves the bed, getting his hand in the gap and grabs what he thinks is his phone, but it’s not, it’s one of his notebooks. He sits in his bed, highly away from the original position, but he doesn’t care and starts reading.

Where you been my whole life?

Where you been?

Be my forever only

Jaehyun feels pathetic, knowing he did in fact felt all of this when he was writing it, but now he couldn’t recall any of those feelings back. He flips more pages, still trying to find some answers.

Standing on the lane

Holding luggage full of names

As the sun goes down with lights

Looking high upon bright sides with you

End of this surface

Just let the ride, make it drive, with its move

He feels tears running down his face, unable to bring himself to a reasonable explanation of why is he crying. Because he didn’t mean those lyrics to Seulgi but why does it feel like that now? He tries again catching his phone, and when he does, he sees its almost one in the morning. He gets the bed in his place, hides the notebook in his nightstand and takes his keyboard out of the closet.

He knows if someone would look at him through the window, he would look insane: crying at midnight, with a mini keyboard in some plastic table and sitting in his poorly made bed, using his feet as a metronome. But he doesn’t care, he just thinks about how this is going to make him feel better. So, he starts playing some known melodies, humming some songs, quickly switching the chords and tones, composing new sounds. He tries singing the lyrics he just read, but he can’t, he’s too heartbroken. 

The next day, he decided to be open about the whole social media situation with Jaemin and Jeno, the three of them in Jeno’s apartment. They ordered pizza, and Mark was out of town, so that meant eating dinner in the couch.

"So yesterday I kind of stalked Seulgi" Jaehyun says after finishing the first slide

"And I thought you invited us because you were feeling good, for fucks sake" Jeno said, looking at him "Spill it"

"It wasn’t that much, but yet" Jaehyun tried to get a second slice, but Jaemin looked at him with the don’t-talk-with-your-mouth-full mom eyes, so he put it down and kept explaining ¨I went on a night walk with Mark, he said he needed some fresh air before his trip and I always appreciate it, the thing is when I went home I wasn’t feeling awful and I thought I was ready, so I searched her up"

"And?¨ Jeno asked impatiently "Because she unfollowed all of us, I literally lost track of her"

"I saw, and I also saw that she deleted our pictures together and I think she started dating someone"

"For real?¨ Jaemin asked, he knew what happened and he had been invested in Jaehyun since day one "What’s his name"

"I don’t know, I just know it’s something with K" Jaehyun said, and Jaemin took his phone out "I know it has been like six months but yet, it’s not like how could her but like… I’m still grieving, and I cannot think of dating anyone like ever again, and she is already?"

"I know, but like you said" Jeno swallowed before he continued, already afraid of what Jaemin might say, even if the younger one seemed distracted with his phone, they knew he was paying attention "I think she maybe already grieved when you guys were together"

"How? And why?"

"I don’t know, but sometimes people grieve so much inside a relationship that whenever they break up, they are ready to meet someone new. And to be honest, it has been time"

The room fell silent, Jaehyun and Jeno munching on the pizza, they both hated eating cold food. Jaemin didn’t seem to care, as he searched thoroughly to his phone.

"But even that, it’s not your fault, you know that right?" Jeno tried to explain

"Found her" Jaemin said flipping his phone, showing an Instagram profile "Her name is Karina, she’s the same age as Jeno and me, I think they study together, but Karina seems like she has a boyfriend, so they are just friends"

Jaehyun froze in the sofa, trying to connect all the words Jaemin just said. Jeno took the phone out his hands to check her profile, smiling as the pictures appeared.

"She’s hot, she looks like you" Jaemin said, taking the phone back

"Shut the fuck up" Jeno said, hitting his shoulder "Jaehyun don’t worry, Seulgi doesn’t look like she’s dating anyone"

But even after that, Jaehyun didn’t feel better. He felt crazier, definitely, but not better.

-

The next week, she does see Seulgi, in the street. Jaehyun was just in the counter at the coffee shop, and he freezes. The world works in slow motion at that moment, seeing her passing by the showcase, laughing it off with a guy. He is taller than her, black hair and very very short. He sees her and she is laughing, hitting playfully his arm. And he grabs her closer and kisses her in the forehead, just like Jaehyun did with her.

Jaehyun drops the milk he was grabbing, making a mess on the counter. Today Jaemin wasn’t working, so there is no one to help him whenever he has these moments. And right now, he is having one of them, because he can’t move. He feels his vision blur more and more, and the moment he feels his senses coming back to him, he runs to the bathroom. There, he cries silently, hands in his chest. After a few minutes, he feels kind of calmer, and he gets out the stall, splashing some water in his numb face.

When he gets out again, he sees the mess he made, his co-workers whispering something between them. He truly hates them, but he cleans the counter anyways, feeling stupid. He knows progress is not lineal, that he is not going to feel better and better every day, and he knows he should trust the process, but it’s so damn difficult to not replay that scene over and over his head.

He goes that weekend over his parents, claustrophobia getting ahead of him in his apartment. His parents are so happy to see him at first, but when Jaehyun spends all Friday afternoon napping, only to wake up extremely late to have dinner together, his father is about to tell him off but his mom stops him. He has some cup noodles and goes to sleep again, hearing his parents talking in the kitchen.

"Darling you must be patient" his mom tells his dad "We need to support him"

"Seulgi was a nice girl" his dad muffles, saying something more he can’t understand

"I know, I know, but she left him, and we need to be here for him"

"He’s just heartbroken, he will be okay"

And Jaehyun just cries until he falls asleep.

-

It was already end of the year, and they decided to spend New Year's Eve on Mark, Jeno and Jaemin’s apartment. They decided to leave the cooking for Taeyong and Jungwoo and the rest of them would take care of everything else. So Jaehyun was already in the flat, arranging the table, Jaemin was baking some brownies and blondies, Mark went down shopping some party items and Jeno was playing Xbox on the living room.

Of course, Jaemin would scold Jeno, and for Jaehyun it was amusing to see the interactions between them, not only because Jeno actually obeys Jaemin, but because of how close they seemed with each other in such little time.

Mark entered the house talking in the phone with someone, he placed the bag in the table and went straight to the bathroom. Jaemin finished making the brownies and blondies dough and set the oven, while Jeno helped him clean. Taeyong and Jungwoo came quickly after Mark, and everyone praised them over the amazing food they made: rice cake soup, braised short ribs, stir-fried glass noodles and a bunch of Korean pancakes, with a lot of other side dishes.

They had an amazing evening and celebrated New Year’s eve, even if they were in Seoul and they should be celebrating more the Seollal holiday, their friends knew Mark would appreciate these western holidays, and even if he didn’t admit it even once, they knew he felt very homesick around these weeks. They made their New Year's resolution to the upcoming 2023, writing them down and then saving them up in a box. The most exciting thing about this tradition was reading last year’s one.

"Me first" Taeyong said, opening his paper "Start writing my own recipe book, giving a speech in the university and see my family more often" he folded up again his paper "I only failed the first one, but I’m so happy I accomplished the last one"

"Now me" Jaehyun said ¨Releasing an album, go on a holiday with my friends and move in with Seulgi¨ Jaehyun felt ashamed, now his face red because of it (and the whiskey he had been drinking the whole afternoon) ¨Failed the three of them, in case anyone didn’t know¨

"Its okey Jaehyun, it wasn’t an easy year" Jungwoo said, thanks god opening already his paper to change the topic "Get a boyfriend, a promotion and a house. See Jaehyun, I didn’t complete all mine either and that’s okay"

"Whatever" Jaehyun said, but he knew deep down he was right. But even if that was true, he wasn’t breathing okay still, and everything surrounding him started to feel very external to his senses.

"My turn" Mark said "Travel to Canada with Jeno, bring an important guest to the show and save money. Technically I didn’t go to Canada with Jeno, but we went to Japan for a week, no guest on the show and I did save some money, but not that much" He shrugged, and Jaehyun tried to have the same acceptance as Mark, but he couldn’t

"Okey now me" Jeno said, opening the last paper in the box "Make a new friend, get into the Fashion Week and start an online course" Jeno laughed at the last one, and honestly everyone did "I did make a new friend" He said, side-hugging Jaemin who was sitting next to him "But I definitely didn’t get picked to next year Fashion Week and the online course I didn’t even know why I thought I was going to make it, so yeah"

"I also had some resolutions, I wrote them on my phone last year" Jaemin said, and took his phone from his kitchen as everyone encouraged them to read it "Get a job, move out my parents and travel. I was too afraid to travel by myself, so maybe I can tag along with you guys to your Canada trip?"

They all agreed with that, and Jaehyun thought it was a very cute scenery, but he still got up as the celebrations were over. He snuck to the apartment’s balcony and lit up a cigarette, feeling much at ease the moment he felt the smoke coming inside his body. He only felt tears in his eyes when the strong cold wind hit his face slowly. Sniffling, he finished his cigarette quickly and lit up another one. Everyone was tidying up the table, and he quickly came inside to fetch his whiskey glass, coming again to the balcony.

After a few minutes of much needed solitude, he turned and saw everyone across the panel glass door acting like a family. Mark spotted him and pointed at him, suggesting him to go with Jaehyun, and the older one nodded, accepting the invitation. He moved a bit to the right, leaving Mark close to the entrance.

"Hey" he said, leaning against the glass railing "You okay? We didn’t want to overwhelm you, but I really wanted to know how are you doing"

"The fucking new year’s resolution really left me feeling like shit" Jaehyun admitted. One of the resolutions for this 2023 was being more honest with his friends, and he was already starting good "Everything changes so fast Mark, it’s so scary"

"I know dude, I know" He came closer, hugging Jaehyun by the shoulder "But we are here, together, okay? We are going to make it work, I promise"

And for a second Jaehyun believed that. He realized he was feeling more and more these days, little by little. Maybe he wasn’t feeling his best, even if the pasts months haven’t been entirely up to his expectations, he definitely felt this year was going to be, or at least, he was going to try.

Chapter Text

 I think I should text my ex

¨What are you writing?¨ Jaemin asked Jaehyun, startling the older one so much he almost dropped his phone in the blender ¨We are opening in 5, get your ass moving and set the tables¨

Jaehyun hurriedly locked his phone, getting it inside the dark jeans apron. As Jaemin said, in five minutes they were opening, and like the manager told them, late January was a very busy month, because a lot of people came back from their holidays, started new jobs, … everyone needed to get back to the routine. And by everyone he really meant everyone because Jaehyun was also getting a lot of good things out of this: he started going to the gym again (it helped that Jeno changed to his same gym), working with Jaemin was actually way funnier than he thought (he also felt kind of miserable whenever their shifts didn’t match, but Jaehyun would never admit it to the youngest), Jungwoo and Taeyong living close was a very convenient thing in terms of taking care of himself, because they loved cooking and Jaehyun loved eating, so he usually had lunch or dinner on their place  once every two days.

He was feeling like a new man that left all his bad habits away, and that’s precisely why he needed to text Seulgi. It’s not like he wants to get back with her, but maybe he wants to prove to himself that she would still want him, that if she met him right now, she would go crazy for him. But he kept pushing these thoughts more and more to the back of his head, until one day, they came back with a storm, pouring Jaehyun down.

-

The 10^th February was Seulgi’s birthday and Jaehyun had to open the package he didn’t get to give her last year. He chuckles at the sight of the vibrator and the lipstick, getting it back to the closet, but when he sees the cute soft round gray bunny, with an orange hat and green pompom on top, he cannot let him go. He decides not to name him, in case anything happens. He’s not mentally strong to say goodbye to someone again, even if that someone is plushie.

And for some reason, the bunny thing distracts him so much about the whole birthday thing. He takes some pictures of him and sends them to their group chat, everyone telling him it’s too damn cute and Jaemin even asked him to bring it the next time he comes over, as if it was a real rabbit. Jaehyun giggles, thinking about having a real rabbit in his small flat. He definitely wants a pet in the future, but he knows having one right now, in his living situation, it would be straight up animal cruelty.

Four days later, it’s his birthday. As he didn’t do a whole week thing because he was not in the mood to celebrate for 7 days straights, he still wants to do something small. So small he decides to do it in his own apartment. He saves up all the space he can, placing everything in such order Jaehyun realizes maybe his own apartment isn’t so bad, it was just messy as fuck. But when Mark, Jeno, Jaemin, Jungwoo and Taeyong come to his flat, he realizes it is in fact too small, but that’s okay because that’s what he wanted. He didn’t want to feel alone and overwhelmed at the same time; he wanted some close company.

They all go crazy over his plushie, and Jaemin threatens all of them about calling the rabbit ¨Nana¨, but Jaehyun just pushes him to the bed, laughing at him.

¨I am most definitely not going to name him Nana after I have been sleeping with him for about three nights¨

¨That would be so kinky¨ Jungwoo said

¨Poor Nana¨ Jeno says, covering the rabbit’s ears

¨His name is not Nana!¨ Jaehyun answers, taking back his plushie ¨His name is going to be Juno¨

¨U know?¨ Mark asks, trying to be funny ¨I know his name is going to be Nana¨

And they all laugh too much to keep talking about it, so they just leave Juno-nana in the bed as they go to the kitchen.

Taeyong cooks for everyone, Jaehyun made sure he had his fridge stocked because he knew he would get all the leftovers, and if Taeyong cooked, there were going to be leftovers. So, as the older cooks, he starts opening his presents, and really gets so excited: his friends gave him a compact USB microphone, a wall-mounted instrument holder for his keyboard and a pocket synthesizer, which he has been wanting forever. He guesses his friends felt bad about the whole not-making-an-album-thing and they want to encourage him as much as they can. As Taeyong finishes cooking, he makes some silly beats with some of his friends’ most ridiculous sounds.

¨So¨ Jeno raises his glass as they are all somehow seated in the bar counter he has in between the kitchen and small living room ¨For an amazing year, so we can spend it together. Happy birthday Jaehyun¨

They all toast and have an amazing dinner, with little to no alcohol (in case Jaehyun has a mental breakdown) and they leave after playing some card games. He wishes that they could crash there, as he does in their houses. When they go, Jungwoo is the last one crossing the door, waving goodbye to Jaehyun with a lot of love in his eyes. And Jaehyun is smiling, but when the door closes, the studio is now silent, and most dangerously, empty.

He glances at the bar counter, seeing all the cards spread on the table and a couple of glasses with left-over whiskey. Jaehyun thinks to himself that it would be a waste to throw it out, because Mark brought it from Canada, so he just sits silently and slowly finish them all. He turns and grabs the whole bottle from the kitchen counter, and little by little, he empties the rest of it.

He doesn’t even realize why he had done that, and how badly it was affecting him, but the moment he stands up he feels so lightheaded he needs to sit again. He grabs his phone, and a notification pops up from his photos, memories: one year ago. He knows he shouldn’t open it, he hasn’t been clinging on those things as often as he thought, but it has been a while since he saw himself one year ago, so he does open it.

The photos start sliding, starting from the cappuccino he made for himself in the cafeteria that morning, the Italian food he ordered and the whole afternoon with his friends, the baggy jeans Taeyong gave him, the drinks they made, a blurry one of the façade of Kick it, and a couple more from inside the club, but the last one is heartbreaking: a photo of Jaehyun and Seulgi in the club, bodies pressed to each other, Jaehyun grabbing Seulgi’s face so gently and she was smiling, eyes completely faded in him.

He doesn’t cry, because he doesn’t know what he is feeling, again. So, he tries to write.

Think I got it bad if I’m honest
Thought that I was good turns out I'm a little far from it, yeah, yeah
Can't even leave the apartment
'Cause everything red's a cold reminder of you

But the keyboard is blurrier every minute and he is choking in his own words. He needs to air them out. So he calls Seulgi, feeling absolutely numb. After the fourth tone, he doesn’t think she’s going to pick up, but she does.

¨Jaehyun?¨

¨What the fuck Seulgi¨ he mumbles, surprised that she did pick the phone

¨What the fuck Jaehyun? Why are you calling me?¨

¨Because you don't call me¨ Jaehyun says, standing up and sitting on his bed, trying to find more balance in the mattress than in his stool

¨Of course, why would I?¨

¨Why you moved on like you'd had enough?¨ he sounds defeated because he is defeated

¨What? Jaehyun, are you drunk?¨

¨No, I’m just heartbroken¨ Jaehyun lies, because he is indeed drunk ¨Did you have a nice birthday, Seulgi? Did someone buy you roses today?¨

¨Jaehyun you don’t need to know that, you are better than this, I know you¨

¨Seulgi it's killing me please, everything is killing me, it's killing me knowing there might be someone else, and that he’s out there buying you roses¨ he grabs his chest, feeling his heart so close to his hands, he wants to rip it off ¨Please tell me¨

¨No Jaehyun, no one bought me nothing today¨

¨I saw you with that guy¨

¨It was nothing Jaehyun, please¨ Seulgi doesn’t seem affected by his crying, maybe she can’t bring herself to care too deeply for him, just in case

¨Then the memories might be hitting me differently¨ Jaehyun says, rethinking his own memories ¨I saw how he kissed you¨

¨Just like you kissed me Jaehyun, and we are nothing now. Please move on, I’m not going to be here for you forever, you are living in the past¨

¨You got me living in the past! Overthinking all your words!¨ Jaehyun stands up, even if he feels dizzy, he needs to breathe, and crouching in the bed wasn’t the best option ¨Maybe they were all likes¨ He whispers

¨Jaehyun do you really believe that? Do you think I lied to you?¨

¨ I don’t know Seulgi, you played me¨ he is angry because Seulgi wasn’t sad, and he hates how toxic that is but right now, he cannot process that thought ¨Do you see the river I'm crying?¨

¨Jaehyun I cannot fucking see you, but I can hear you? Is this because I am not crying too?¨

Now she seems angrier, and that seems to deflate Jaehyun to a point where he is sliding in the door, sitting now on the floor. He cries silently, not knowing what to say anymore. At this point he doesn’t even know why he called her, but something inside him needed this conversation.

¨Jaehyun I did things very wrongly, we both did, and I understand how sad you must feel-¨

¨Seulgi my heart is sore… sore from pulling out these thorns, every day, I feel I overcame something harder than the day before, completely different, something that I can’t learn from because tomorrow’s struggle is going to be bigger and worse¨ she is quiet again, and Jaehyun just wants to finish this conversation ¨You left me a lot of scars, and they re-open every time you don’t call me, every time I feel like you moved on¨

¨I’m sorry Jaehyun, I shouldn’t have left you like that¨

¨And I should have treated you better… we were so bad for each other, but I loved you, I loved you very much¨ Jaehyun wants to add, and I think I still do, but he doesn’t

¨We didn’t treat each other perfectly but we weren’t the worse… just not right. I’m sorry Jaehyun, I’m really sorry¨

¨And I’m sorry too, way to fucking sorry Seulgi, I’m sorry¨

He waits a few seconds, but Seulgi hangs up. He thinks it’s for the best too, but he couldn’t bring himself doing it. Jaehyun is bad, he feels awful, but he feels also like almost half of his weight has gone off his shoulders with that phone call. But still, he can’t breathe and it’s getting too serious, so he calls Taeyong. He tells him he will be there in 5 minutes, and asks if it’s okay if he brings Jungwoo, and Jaehyun whispers a tiny yes. He hangs and cries, trying to compose himself a bit before his friends arrive, but when it’s time to stand up, he can already hear someone knocking on his door.

The next hours pass very quickly but at the same time, painfully slow. He recalls his two friends coming into the studio and helping him out, they try to calm Jaehyun by doing some breathing exercises and sitting him in a comfortable position. Nothing seems to calm him, but when he lies in his bed, he rolls himself up and tucks his friends with him, the three of them under the same blanket in the not too big bed. Jaehyun is in the middle, Taeyong to his left, closer to the door and the edge of the bed, and Jungwoo is stuck between Jaehyun and the wall. Taeyong caresses his hair while Jungwoo hugs him, humming some ineligibles words to him.

The next morning, he wakes up covered in sweat. He notices Jungwoo is sleeping right next to him, and he tries to remember last night. In the process, his whole head hurts, his shoulder and abdominals hurting like crazy because the tension his body suffered, his eyes are dry and his mouth tastes horrible. He wants to sleep again, but he sees Taeyong coming out of the bathroom.

¨Sorry¨ he whispers ¨I wanted to help you out and I cleaned up a bit, hope I didn’t wake you up¨

And Jaehyun is so mad at himself, because he can see the pity in Taeyong’s eyes, he turns around, facing Jungwoo, and tries sleeping a little bit more. The next time he wakes up, Jungwoo is not there either, but he can feel them sitting in his kitchen. He feels so ashamed, as if they were a one-night stand, and he was faking asleep so the other person could get the memo and get out. But they were his friends, and they came over yesterday because he was having an anxiety attack, so he is not going to sleep again. He is going to face it.

He rolls slowly, feeling his whole body hurting worse than when he woke up this morning, but he stills rolls over and face them, still covering himself up almost completely. Jungwoo smiles at him and goes over to bed, sitting on the edge and kissing Jaehyun’s forehead, removing some hair that stuck to his face after all the sweating. Jaehyun tries to smile, and it must be a very creepy smile because Jungwoo chuckles and slaps his shoulder quietly.

¨Do you want coffee?¨ Taeyong asks, already in standing up close to the kitchen counter ¨I’m going to make you breakfast¨

¨I am going to throw up¨ Jaehyun says, and Jungwoo jumps out of the bed

He runs to the bathroom, door open, and kneels into the toilet to vomit. He doesn’t vomit that much, but when he stands up and washes his face, he vomits again in the sink. He empties himself this time. He runs the water again to clean the sink and his face. He cleans the toilet a bit and gets out of the bathroom, Taeyong staring at him.

¨Don’t be nasty and shower¨ the older says ¨I will be making the breakfast, I’m sure you are not going to puke anymore¨

¨But the door doesn’t close the whole way, so don’t come inside¨

¨Oh now he is ashamed¨ Jungwoo mocks him ¨There is nothing we have never seen, big guy¨ and he winks at Jaehyun.

He laughs, feeling embarrassed remembering the incident.

¨That photo was not meant for you, and you know it¨ Jaehyun says as he picks some clean clothes

¨Then why did I see it?¨ Jungwoo crosses his arms in his chest, teasing

¨Because I was going to send it to another person. But you had to send a screenshot to the group chat, alarming everyone about how I was hacked, and I was sending fake dicks pics¨

¨Oh I’m sorry¨ He can sense the irony in his voice ¨Sorry if I, in the middle of one night, receive a picture of a very big dick without context from you. I didn’t even know you were circumcised though¨

¨Jaehyun, shower. Jungwoo, make the bed¨ Taeyong says, cutting the conversation before it escalates to something more inappropriate, if it was possible.

Jaehyun showers with the door slightly open, as the bathroom door was broken: the door was locked whenever it was closed. Thank god it broke one day when Jeno and him came back from the gym, Jeno stopping at Jaehyun’s to get his things and panicking over when the door was closed, and, as he tells the story, was ¨locked to death¨ for a couple of minutes. After opening the door, Jaehyun placed a wood piece down the frame because even Jeno, considered a very handyman by all his friends, couldn’t fix the door. So now, even if he doesn’t remember, the door couldn’t close because of the little wood piece.

He and Jungwoo have breakfast while Taeyong tries to fix the door, but he can’t open the mechanism, so he tells him he should call a professional. Jaehyun has a cigarette after having breakfast, Jungwoo complaining about the smell, but still, he is not harsh with him. They do not talk about last night, and Jaehyun feels relaxed when they go, because he avoided the topic as much as he could. He was not ready to explain himself to them, because he knew what he did was wrong.

Next day, everything seemed to get back to normal. On Friday, he gets home at 16:00, and for some reason, Jaemin insists on going up his apartment too, telling Jaehyun he was in extreme danger of peeing himself. When they get to the studio, Jaemin runs to the bathroom and the older curses to himself, he really wanted a shower. Jaemin gets out, and when he is going to shower, the door rings. He rolls his eyes so much he thinks he is going to faint, and opens the door: Mark, Taeyong, Jungwoo and Jeno are there, with duffel bags and backpacks, most of them with caps on and very weird looking outfits. He prays that it is not what he thinks. But it is.

¨We are going camping!¨ Jungwoo screams ¨Pack your things, we are leaving in an hour¨

Jaehyun blinks, and they must get that he is in fact confused, but at the same time, he does know ¨Remember about my gift? The camping thing? It was going to expire so we did a call last week¨

Now they are all entering Jaehyun’s apartment. Jeno brought Jaemin his things in a different backpack, and Jaemin starts changing from his work attire to a more camping vibe. He does not seem to care at all being in only underwear as he searches for clothes, and Jaehyun doesn’t mind either, he’s just glad he feels comfortable. So, Jaehyun does as he told Jaemin before and goes shower, changes into more outgoing clothes and sits in his bed, feeling tired as hell, water droplets going down his nape.

He starts gathering things, meanwhile his friends play cards in his kitchen-living-room bar counter. He makes sure to pack all the basics: t-shirts, jeans, sweatpants and sweaters, underwear, socks, some trekking shoes, cigarettes and a lighter, a hygiene minibag and his plushie.

¨How many nights are we staying?¨ Jaehyun asks, in case he needs to bring anything more

¨We are coming Tuesday morning, ready for your afternoon shift¨ Jaemin winks at him

So no, he doesn’t need to bring anything more. He sighs and tells his friends he is ready, and they go downstairs. Jeno brought his car, along with Taeyong. No one wants to go with Jeno except Jaemin, they all know the younger is a bit of a crazy driver, so everyone else ends up in Taeyong’s car. They also are in charge of grocery shopping, of course they are.

So, they get some groceries and some snacks, Jaehyun is hungry as fuck. When they arrive at the camping site, around an hour and a half later, Jaehyun is really taken aback by the view. They are in the middle of a forest, a small path that gets them to 4 little cabins, arranged around a campfire. When they get to the campfire, they look around the cabins, one of them has a ¨kitchen¨ sign, so they go there to leave the groceries. Inside that cabin, there is a small kitchen, but it has every basic thing it needs. It has also a small arch, opening the kitchen to a very nice and cozy living room. Jaehyun realizes the tv is next to an Xbox and more consoles. He smiles to himself, maybe he is not going to need the trekking shoes after all.

When they finish setting up the groceries, they go out the campfire again only to see Jaemin and Jeno running around the forest like they are training for military. When both of them spot their friends, they go over them.

¨We already choose a cabin¨ Jeno points at the cabin next to the kitchen.

¨I want that one¨ Jungwoo says, pointing the one next to the path walk ¨Jaehyun do you want to share?¨

Jaehyun nods frenetically, knowing he does get along very well with Jungwoo and his living habits. So that leaves Mark and Taeyong, happily getting his things to the remaining cabin. Every cabin was overall the same, inside there were some small closets at the entrance of it, a double bed at the back of the whole room, with small nightstands on each side. To the left, there was a bathroom, a bit old-fashioned to Jaehyun’s taste, but the whole vibe was amazing.

Soon enough it was getting dark, and they all went to have a walk around the forest, to see if they could find a nice spot to see the sunset. They took some pictures, each of them sillier than the previous one. When they go back to the cabin (thanks to Jeno senses of directions), Taeyong and Mark go to the kitchen to make dinner, Jaemin and Jungwoo go to walk a little bit more around the forest, so Jaehyun and Jeno try to enjoy the night, playing Fall Guys.

¨So¨ Jaehyun says, feeling relieved after passing the third round ¨How do you feel after replacing me with Jaemin?¨

¨Dude¨ Mark says

¨I’m joking¨ Jaehyun says ¨but really, when are you guys getting married?¨

¨That’s a better approach¨ Taeyong says

¨See? I can be nice when I want to¨ but Jaehyun wins the next round again

¨I do really like him ¨ Jeno says

¨I like him too, don’t be like that¨ Jaehyun pushes Jeno ¨I’m the one that introduced him, remember?¨

¨No but I like him like him, like I feel I’m going to fall in love real soon if I keep on living with him¨

Taeyong stops the water running out the tap, him and Mark turn slowly to see if Jeno was the one that really said so, but the younger doesn’t seem to realize what he just told his friends.

¨Want to play smash or something now? I’m tired of losing¨ Jeno says, sipping at his beer

¨Are you fucking kidding me?¨ Mark tells him, getting in front of the TV with Taeyong by his side ¨What did you just say?¨

¨I don’t want to play Fall Guys anymore though, Jae always wins, he doesn’t even want to team up with me¨

¨Not that, are you stupid? The Jaemin thing¨ Taeyong tells him in a loud voice and gesturing (with a butter knife in his hand, but very scary in this situation), eager to know more about this breathtaking statement

¨Oh true… I really like Jaemin¨

¨Are you for real?¨ Jaehyun asks, turning off the volume of the TV ¨Since when are you like… gay or bi or whatever? Since when do you like someone at all?¨

¨Did you ever like someone Jeno? Because as far as I know I am so used to the sock on the door that I cannot even keep count¨ Mark says

¨Guys chill, you are all making me real bad¨ Jeno sits up tightly in the sofa ¨I never liked anyone because I never gave it an actual chance, and don’t be dramatic, it’s been almost a year since I had a random hookup¨

¨True, I’m sorry¨ Mark says, side hugging him

¨But yeah, about that¨ Jeno turns to Jaehyun ¨I don’t think I am either gay or bi, I really had a hard time understanding my feelings toward him, and that’s why I never said anything to you guys¨

¨I’m sorry that you couldn’t trust us¨ Taeyong says seriously

¨Its okey, I also wanted to figure it out by myself, and I realized I really really like him, but I don’t know what to do¨ Jeno finishes his beer ¨I don’t want to tell him anything, so even if you ambush me like you are doing right now, I am not going to tell him shit¨

¨Why?¨ Taeyong asks, sitting next to him ¨Jeno you must tell him!¨

¨I’m sorry for what I am about to say, but after seeing Jaehyun this past year, I do not want to have my heart broken¨

¨That’s why you have stopped hooking up?¨ Mark asks, and Jeno nods ¨Dude… that’s not the solution at all¨

Jaehyun can’t believe what he’s hearing, and in fact, he is starting to not understand the conversation as he is starting to dissociate again. He sees Taeyong, who quickly realizes what he is going through, but he can’t explain what he is feeling. Because let’s be honest, is he really feeling something right now? He just knows he is an idiot, but at the same time, a tiny bit of anger and guilt starts to get over his throat, as a result, he has tears in his eyes. And he is too proud and to hurt right now to let himself be vulnerable, so he just stands up and goes over the door of the cabin, but Jeno quickly runs behind him, stopping him.

¨I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair¨ Jeno says, Jaehyun can’t look up, but he thinks Jeno is crying too ¨But Jae, I don’t want to go through that, I’m sorry if it’s selfish, but I rather bottle up whatever I ever feel for someone than to be like that¨

¨Of course its fucking selfish Jeno!¨ Jaehyun raises his voice so much the smaller takes a step back, hitting his back with the door ¨The fuck you mean by you don’t want to go through that? What the fuck do you know about it Jeno? I didn’t talk to you, I didn’t even see you for god’s sake, I couldn’t bring myself to it!¨

¨Are you mad because I like someone? Because I literally can’t control that, and trust me I wouldn’t like him if I could¨

¨I could not care less about what the fuck you do with your attachment issues Jeno! I really could not! I just feel fucking awful because my best friend thinks I’m miserable and that he doesn’t look up to me anymore! Well, I’m sorry if I’m not a very good example of handling my emotions, but at least I have¨

Jaehyun pushes Jeno to the side so he can open the door. He goes hurriedly to his cabin and starts packing everything up, he’s not going to stay four days stuck in the middle of nowhere while his friends think he is just useless, he doesn’t need them for that.

¨Jaehyun stop man¨ Mark says, getting his clothes outside the bag ¨don’t be a kid and go, let’s talk about this¨ He says in English, trying to make a click in Jaehyun’s brain, unsuccessfully

¨Get out Mark, I am leaving, I don’t want to see him¨

¨I don’t fucking care Jaehyun, you are staying¨

¨And who the fuck are you to tell me what to do? Last time I checked you are not my father, right?¨

Jaehyun only got ironic when he was really mad, and he thinks about his friends’ habits when they are pissed off too: Taeyong bits his nails like crazy, Jungwoo stays mute for hours, Mark paces around very aggressively (very different than when he’s pacing around quickly, that means he’s nervous), Jeno clenches his fists and Jaemin raises his voice extremely, thinking he’s making more of a point If he’s louder than the other person.

The thought of his friends relaxes him for a bit, calming down the alarming pace that he was packing at, so he sits in his bed, letting his lungs get completely filled.

¨I’m sorry¨ he hears Jeno says, entering his cabin ¨That was rude and out of context¨

Jaehyun looks at him, nodding as he sits with him in the bed. Taeyong was at the door, gesturing Mark to get out of the cabin, letting the two empty heads solve their own mess.

¨I’m really sorry Jaehyun, I am. It’s no excuse, but I was really worried in those months about you, I didn’t want to  approach you in case you would run away for real, forever¨

¨It’s not like I was an abandoned dog in the middle of the street¨

¨No but you looked like it, I promise¨ Jeno is fidgeting with his hands

¨Do you think I am miserable?¨ Jaehyun has to ask, because he has been feeling like that for the past year

¨No, you are not miserable Jaehyun, I promise, even if you don’t believe me. I know you guys think I am just a kid yet, but thanks to you guys I was able to learn a lot fucking much of things, about a lot of things too, and one of them is my perception of people like you Jaehyun. You are still my role model, you know? I don’t think nothing is going to ever in the middle of that, not a girl, not a boy, no one Jaehyun. You are my person, and I mean it¨

Jaehyun sniffles as he nods, smiling shyly. He realizes that he is still pretty fucked up, that he needs to heal a lot before he faces new things in his life. He sits, letting himself being hugged by Jeno, as the younger also sniffles a bit. Jaehyun ends up hugging him too, both the closest they have been in months. Maybe they just needed to air things out to understand each other better, and it was okey.

They get out and help Taeyong and Mark in the kitchen. They thought about calling the police, reporting a missing case on his friends, but Jungwoo and Jaemin appear just when the dinner is ready. Suspicious, but they are still glad they did in fact not disappear.

They decided to have dinner around the campfire, but regret it minutes later because it was extremely cold, so they just got inside again, everyone getting around the sofa and loveseats around. When they had a couple of shots after dinner, they decided to go out, now the alcohol warming up their bodies, also Jaehyun was really craving a cigarette, but he will never admit it to his friends. He doesn’t really need to, because even if they realize he smoked like 10 in less than two hours, they don’t say anything. They know he needs them.

When it’s time to sleep, they hug and kiss each other as if they weren’t going to sleep practically in the same room, but still Jaehyun thinks it’s very cute. In his cabin, he showers and gets in bed quickly, Jungwoo already there because he had a shower after the long walk with Jaemin.

¨Jungwoo, are you awake?¨ Jaehyun asks almost half an hour after they both went to bed and turned the lights off

¨Yes Jae, I cannot sleep with the cicadas¨

¨Can you hug me?¨

¨Of course silly, come here¨

Jaehyun turns around and sees Jungwoo spreading his arms for him. The scene reminds him of whenever they had sleepovers and Jaehyun was way too cold to sleep by himself in a sleeping bag. He gets close to him, smiling and teasing him, touching Jungwoo’s legs with his cold feet. Jungwoo hits him, reasonably, and scratches his back until he doesn’t hear the cicadas anymore.

The next days of camping go as expected, except for the mosquito bites that make everyone go crazy (Taeyong is the only one that brought repellent, and they finished it in the second day). On Tuesday, they go back, he has a shift to attend and Jeno has a plane to catch, he is going to Busan for two weeks for a training program.

-

His life seems to get back to normal, progressively. He writes again, he tries picking up his keyboard again, also recording some silly stuff with the synthesizer and the microphone his friends gave to him. The next month he goes to that DAY6 concert with Jeno and Taeyong, in a very small theatre.

¨Do you think they are going to play the old ones?¨ Jaehyun asks excitedly while waiting in the queue

¨You are just a sucker for Blood¨ Jeno tells him

¨Its literally their best song I don’t really make the rules here¨

¨I really want them to play WARNING!¨ Taeyong states

¨Such a poser¨ Jaehyun teases him, rolling his eyes in fake disgust

¨Oh sorry mister composer, not my fault I didn’t know a group before they even debuted¨

¨You should be glad we are coming with you¨ Jeno tells Jaehyun, nodding

¨Oh come on you fuckers, you are as much suckers for YoungK as I am¨

¨Whatever you say¨

They laugh it off and after an hour, the queue starts moving. Taeyong picks up all the snacks they had while waiting, throwing the empty ones in the entrance trash and saving the unopened ones in his backpack. They had an amazing time in the concert, they in fact lose their shits when they play Blood (and WARNING! too, but Jaehyun is too alternative to act like he loves that song). Jaehyun thinks he is going to pass out when they play Love me or leave me  in acoustic, but Jeno holds him, and they both cry a little while screaming the bridge.

¨BABY LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME TONIGHT¨

When the concert finishes, he feels so happy he almost can’t move, wanting to stay there forever. They are almost the last people to leave, picking up their things at an awful speed.

¨Jaehyun?¨

Jaehyun turns and she sees Seulgi, with her friends. Her friends? Their friends? Jaehyun doesn’t know, but Seulgi is in fact there, looking stunning: her hair let down but with a couple of braids framing his face, she has some makeup in her eyes and a very soft pink lipstick. Jaehyun thinks about the lipstick he wanted to give to her, way uglier than the one she was wearing now; thank god he didn’t give it to her. She is wearing a white blouse with a red crochet jersey over it, a red skirt and a pair of black boots. Jaehyun did in fact give her those boots too, a couple of years ago. He is happy she didn’t throw them away.

¨Hi¨ he says shyly, feeling comforted by his friends behind him ¨I didn’t think you’d be here¨

¨Why? All the times you played them in the car worked, in case you didn’t know¨

He kind of knows, because he knows she has a Spotify playlist with their songs, but still.

¨Did you have fun?¨ He asks politely, even if it’s a dumb question

¨Yes! I really loved the acoustic versions though. And I’m sure you loved when they played Blood, you used to love that song¨

¨Yes, I did¨ Jaehyun feels warm inside, almost like time hasn’t passed ¨I didn’t see you guys in the line¨

¨Oh no we actually came super late, they were almost starting, but I’m glad I got to stay now this late, it’s so good seeing you¨ Jaehyun smiles, because he feels like that too, but still, he has a very weird sense of this conversation, mainly because of both of their friends ¨Well, we are going to go now¨

¨Do you want to have a drink?¨ Jaehyun asks, like if was the most normal thing to do, ask for a drink to your ex after a concert ¨Well, maybe we can all have a drink, if you guys want¨ he turns to his friends, and they nod

¨Yes! We can go and have a drink¨

Even if the situation is awkward as hell, Jaehyun feels comforted to be walking behind Seulgi. He wants to hold her hand, for some stupid reason, but obviously he doesn’t. He does open the door for them, and when they are in front of the theatre, they don’t even know what to do.

¨I know a place around here¨ Jeno says, breaking the thick ice ¨It has mainly beer and soju and some snacks¨

They all go to the place Jeno suggests, and surprisingly, they have a nice time. They catch up in a very friendly way, with a soft approach that has Jaehyun smiling like a stupid boy. He did miss the vibe, not only Seulgi but hanging up with everyone. He texts Mark, Jaemin and Jungwoo if they want to join, but they decline quickly, excusing themselves from it. He feels weird about that, but he understands it.

They keep ordering soju and beer, and not too many snacks, so after less than two hours, they are all vibing happily drunk.

¨I have to go¨ Jeno says quickly ¨Jaemin forgot his keys and Mark has radio tonight¨

¨I think I will go too¨ Irene says ¨My head hurts like crazy and I have to go to my parents’ tomorrow morning¨

¨I’ll go with you; I literally can’t take the subway right now¨ her other friend says ¨Seulgi do you mind staying?¨

Jaehyun arches his eyebrow, what is he? A murderer? Is she not safe with him? Jesus Christ.

¨Yes, I think I will go after I finish this one¨ She raises her glass

Jaehyun sees Taeyong freeze when he gets out of the bathroom as everyone is gone except Seulgi and him. The older texts him, asking him if he can go, and Jaehyun obviously tells him yes, he doesn’t mind right now being alone with Seulgi. They are just having a drink in a bar, for fucks sake.

So, when Taeyong approaches them, takes his jacket and goes with a very polite goodbye, they both look at each other and laugh. It’s true that Jaehyun is starting to feel weird, the high from the concert is gone, but the high of the soju is kicking strong. He doesn’t want to ruin this night, so he stops drinking and keeps behaving like a normal human being.

¨Should we go? ¨ he suggests after another hour of talking with her, not because he is uncomfortable but because he is tired ¨We can split a cab if you want¨

She agrees, and because they are close to the city center, a cab comes and picks them up in less than two minutes. The trip in the car suddenly is very long, the streets are dark and Jaehyun is about to fall asleep when the car stops. He looks around and doesn’t recognize the street at first, but when he gets down, it slaps him directly in his face. They are at her place.

¨Didn’t you ask for a stop at your house?¨ Seulgi asks him, confused

¨I thought I did, fuck¨ he checks his phone and curses to himself ¨Fucking stupid shit, the next cab can’t be here for another 40 minutes. The taxi that droves us doesn’t want to take me back for half the price, for some reason¨

¨Chill Jaehyun¨ Seulgi approaches him, placing a hand in his shoulder ¨Are you sure you can’t book anything else?¨

¨Seulgi do you think I want to stay here for an hour? I’m really tired, and honestly, it’s weird enough that we both stayed drinking for me to be here right now¨

¨Hey, it’s okey, I know it can look weird but I’m glad we met today, I feel like I gave you the closure you deserved¨ The mood she sets is suddenly very dark, both not knowing where to look ¨I’m sorry for everything¨

¨Seulgi this is definitely not the time please; I am going to have a mental breakdown¨

¨Okey sorry Sunnie- I mean, Jaehyun¨

They both blink at each other at the cute name: Seulgi started to call him Sunnie even before they started dating, she used to say he was really the light of her life. Jaehyun wants to cry now, but he tries to connect the little thoughts he has right now, feeling way drunker after the car trip.

¨Let’s do something okay?¨ She proposes ¨I know it’s weird but let’s get to my place and wait for the cab there, it’s too cold anyway here in the street and I really want to take the boots out. They are really pretty but they hurt like hell after some hours¨

¨I know, I told you to return them, but you thought I would get mad¨ Jaehyun says

¨Oh but you would have gotten mad, right?¨

¨Okay, but because I was an idiot. I’m sorry, let’s wait in your place then¨

Seulgi laughs at him, and they both go to her house, a family inheritance she received when she was very small. Her grandparents died when she was very young, and her parents wanted to save the house for when she was at university. It was a very small house, but she had an amazing garden. He loved spending the weekends over there, sunbathing until she told her to put on some sunscreen, that she didn’t want to date  a shrimp. Jaehyun couldn’t get tan even if he tried, so he always laughed when she told him that. He also used to love watering all the plants, even if she told him he didn’t need to. He loved opening all the windows at night, ventilating the whole house so they could cuddle up even more.

When she opened the gate, his heart sank to the floor. Everything was the same, but she had way less plants, mainly the grass ones. Also, those plants were drier, and the house looked somehow weaker. He didn’t think the breakup would cause as much of an effect on her as it did on him, but he thinks about how it’s only natural, they both loved each other so deeply. The feeling gets worse after she opens the main door, taking out her Sylveon keychain, and entering the living room.

This was the house Jaehyun wanted to move in with Seulgi. It was the house when they first hooked up, when they first told they loved each other, the house where his and her friends had slept over countless times, watching movies until they were all passed out on the floor of the living room. But now the house was very cold, even if the windows were closed, it smelled like absolutely nothing, and Jaehyun couldn’t help but think if she still lives here, and he’s about to ask but she was moving quietly around the house. She turned on some warm lights around the shelves in the living room wall, plugging her favorite strawberry milkshake air freshener. She must have remembered how he hated the smell of it, because she asks.

¨Do you mind?¨ pointing at the air freshener ¨I just got these from a new place and I really want to try them out¨

Jaehyun shakes his head, pacing around the living room. He really doesn’t have a say now about what kind of air freshener she should use. He feels teary as he gets sudden hints of smell that he thought he had forgotten by now; it wasn’t that the house didn’t smell like anything, it didn’t smell like anything Jaehyun could remember, but now he does. He remembers the smell of burnt wood and hints of old perfume, mixed up with an earthy leather. He turns around and sees Seulgi removing her boots, getting her equilibrium by sitting on the couch arm. He goes next to her and kneels in front of her, helping her by removing the second boot. This was way too domestic for two tipsy exes, it was way too comfortable even if it has been more than a year that Jaehyun had helped her remove her shoes after a long day.

She smiles with so much pain in her eyes, and Jaehyun doesn’t know how else to take that pain away but kissing her, so he does.

He gets up slowly, cupping her face in his hands. Seulgi stands up, and Jaehyun moves his hands directly to the small of her back, hugging her tightly against him, moved by the memory of how short she was. He didn’t remember with her boots on, but now he was getting all the memories at once, the feeling bittersweet. She kisses Jaehyun all the way back, tiptoeing to get a better approach at him, but Jaehyun lifts her up and lets her legs around his waist. His hands move directly to her legs, to support her, but eventually they move under the skirt, grabbing her now tighter.

The kiss starts to get deeper and messier. Jaehyun tries to get to the room, his feet are almost moved by muscle memory because before he even realizes they are both in bed, she is straddling him, removing his clothes. Jaehyun knows he is going to regret it tomorrow, but that thought is snapped when she starts removing her own clothes. He gives himself to the moment, to the night. He gives himself to her.

The next morning he has to count to almost to a hundred to get out of bed. His heart was beating so fast he thought everyone in the neighborhood could hear him, and he couldn’t even know what the right thing was to do at the moment. Seulgi  was sleeping next to him, and he definitely didn’t want to be there when she wakes up, so he texts Jungwoo, asking if he could pick him up, that it was an emergency. Jaehyun knows he’s not being dramatic, he knows sleeping with your ex after meeting randomly in a concert is an emergency, even more if you slept with her in her house and he doubts if today, Saturday, there is any kind of public transport that reaches this far from the city. Jungwoo tells him that he will be there in half an hour, but Jaehyun needs to get out now.

He moves quickly but very silent, picking up his clothes and dressing himself up in the hall, finally exiting the room. He can’t find his socks, but there is no way he is going back there to find them. He just prays silently that Seulgi doesn’t keep them as spare clothes when her future boyfriend doesn’t remember to bring some to a sleepover. Why on earth was he thinking about his socks being on another man’s feet? He chuckles, he is really going crazy.

In his way out, he writes a message in the fridge: ¨sorry but i cant stay, you know why. i had fun, thank you for letting me in, i hope you have a nice day. be happy seulgi, you deserve it  :)¨ He looks at it with a crooked head, and he tries to erase the smiley, but it stays in the big magnet. He tries rubbing it with water and nothing, and he glances at the marker, well, the now permanent marker. He throws the marker to the trash and gets out of the house, not knowing if he forgot anything else, but he just can’t stand it anymore today. Nothing related to it.

Jaehyun closes the main door, and in between the walk to the gate, he stops, looking around. Now all the plants and flowers seem livelier, and he guesses all the coldness of the house was just a perception from last night, but he still feels bittersweet. Some part of him doesn’t want to go, he wants to go back, make coffee, plug that fucking strawberry milkshake and cuddle back with her, like any other morning. But surprisingly, that part is quite small compared with the other part of him, that wants to go home.

He finally gets out of the house and after a couple of minutes walking, he finds the bus stop he used to get off at whenever he came over. He knows it’s the spot Jungwoo is going to pick him up, but while he gets there, he just sits and contemplates. He doesn’t really know if he wants to think about what happened, but it’s quite inevitable as the surroundings sounds are as soothing as he remembered, even if its early, he can already smell how some people started already cooking, the street feeling like a new dimension. It takes almost another 10 minutes of staring into nothing for Jungwoo to arrive, and that seems to snap Jaehyun out of reality fast, because Taeyong its driving and Jungwoo is on the passenger seat. He opens the back door, scared of what he might find, and right as he thought so, he finds Mark and Jeno in the back seats. He is really close to just dump his idea of getting back to his house by car and just wait for the bus, but he knows better. He sits behind Jungwoo, and not even before the car starts again, Taeyong speaks.

¨For fucks sake Jaehyun I just knew it, right Jeno?¨ Jaehyun turns to see Jeno, the younger just nodding in silent ¨I just fucking new I couldn’t have left you there with her¨

¨Then why the fuck did you do it?¨

¨Oh now it’s my fault you can’t keep your dick in your pants¨

¨Stop the car if you are going to be yelling like that¨ Jungwoo says ¨Its dangerous that you drive while yelling and you two are clearly fighting like children¨

¨He started it!¨ Jaehyun defends himself, feeling a bit embarrassed because he did in fact now sounded like a kid

¨Whatever! You are both wrong!¨ Jungwoo turns, so he is now looking at the back of the door, Jaehyun trying not to laugh because when Jungwoo gets mad, he gets really ugly ¨Taeyong has no right telling you what to do but you also had no right to sleep with her¨

¨Like dude, why would you do that?¨ Mark asks

¨I don’t know okay! I booked a wrong cab, we were supposed to split it, but I was a bit nervous and a bit tipsy-¨

¨Of course¨ Jungwoo rolls his eyes, turning around again back to his original position

¨What do you mean by of course?¨ Jaehyun asks, visibly hurt

¨Do I need to remember you? After your birthday this year? The anxiety attack you were having? Because we haven’t talked about that¨

¨What? What happened?¨ Jeno asks quickly, sitting himself straight

¨Let me finish, and thanks Jungwoo, I didn’t want everyone to know it¨

¨Oh so now I am just everyone¨ Jeno scoffs, but Marks hits his shoulder, gesturing a finger to his mouth, asking him to be quiet.

¨So as I was saying before my best friend tagged me as an alcoholic, I was a bit, and only a bit tipsy, so I messed up with the cab order. We got here, the next cab wasn’t going to be available for almost an hour, so she suggested to wait inside her house, it was very cold outside¨

¨Of course she did¨ now Taeyong added, but Jaehyun ignored it, for his mental health

¨And we got into her house, I was helped her taking out her boots and we just kissed¨ Mark gasped at this las word ¨and yes, we did had sex, but it wasn’t like we used to, it was meaningless, really. This morning, I didn’t want to be with her like I thought I was going to want, so I just wrote a goodbye note in her fridge and went out¨

The car stays silent for a couple of minutes but Jaehyun couldn’t bother anymore about what his friends were thinking about him. After what feels like another 5 minutes, Mark asks.

¨How are you feeling?¨

¨Honestly? Really fucking empty. I thought I was going to feel like shit, but as she told me last night, maybe this was our closure. I know it’s not the best¨ He raises his voice on these last words, directing his words to the front area of the car ¨but I don’t feel sad, I just feel empty because I expected something else. I don’t know if I thought that fucking one last time was going to fix something, I just fell on our habits, so I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m feeling but it’s not a bad one, that’s for sure¨

Mark just whispers an okay and places his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder. He looks at Jeno, and it looks like he is about to ask him about the incident Jungwoo just mentions, but Mark shakes his sleepy head, begging him to shut up, so Jeno also places his head on Marks shoulder. Jaehyun is just happy about the car being silent again.

-

They don’t really speak about it anymore, but because Jaehyun looks nice. He looks like he has been having his shit together for quite a few weeks now, and because the summer was starting, he is even happier.

The cafeteria he works in has promoted him, he still is a bartender, but he is the floor manager, and now he can really boss the assholes he works with around. Except Jaemin, he just wants to protect him. The cafeteria is big enough to not feel really crowded in the mornings, but it has a completely different vibe in the afternoon. Now the days are longer, so the sunrise enters through the windows for more time, almost reaching directly the counter, and Jaehyun makes sure he is working at the counter when the sun sets. They close late, because Korean people just don’t know when to stop drinking coffee, so the only difference about the cafeteria and a pub is that they didn’t serve alcohol, and instead of playing YoungB and JUSTHIS, they played Zion.T and Dean music.

One afternoon, on the 30^th of July to be exact, he asks his boss to stay a bit longer and close the cafeteria by himself, because he would be a couple of hours late the next day. Another good thing about being some kind of manager is that his boss suddenly didn’t give a shit about what he did, and he just replied with a thumbs up. So, after everyone except Jaehyun and Jaemin goes, the older takes out his apron, feeling exhausted.

They start cleaning the counter, hurriedly, they are supposed to go to Jaehyun’s and take a quick shower and then to the city center, as they are going to Taeyong’s birthday. They reserved a table for everyone in a Japanese restaurant, an expensive one, but the experience was out of this world, and they don’t want to miss it. Also, Taeyong’s birthday surprise present was highly related to the restaurant, so everyone was so excited for tonight,  When the store is thoroughly closed, Jaehyun and Jaemin take turns to have a shower and order a cab to go there as fast as possible.

Their friends are already inside, but they ask one of the waiters for a table under Taeyong’s name and the young waiter guided them to their table, separated from the main sala. Their friends are all there, kneeling around a typical Japanese table, wearing very nice-looking clothes. Jaehyun feels a bit underdressed, but he knows he still looks good tonight. After a few minutes, their designated waiter enters the room to start the order.

¨Good night gentleman, my name is Kim Doyoung and I’m going to be your waiter tonight¨ the waiter bows, and Jaehyun raises his sight from the menu to him, feeling more curious about the waiter than he should

In front of them there is a guy, he thinks he is younger than him, with very thin white hair, styled with a slick back. He has a pair of very slim frame glasses in the middle of the bridge of his nose. He is not wearing any kind of jewelry, just a very expensive watch. Every waiter has the same uniform: a black suit without a jacket, but a vest, but Jaehyun thinks it fits him better than the other waiter he has seen. He definitely looks better than Jaehyun in his uniform. It’s not like he has not seen any pretty guys or girls these lasts months, but he senses something different in him, some kind of warmth. Anyways, its not like he is going to ask for his number straight up, mainly because he is mentally very far away from dating anyone, but he’s just slightly happier they had a nice-looking waiter, if that doesn’t sound too bad.

¨And for me some iced tea¨ Jaehyun asks after Jungwoo asked for sparkling water

¨Any flavor in specific? We have usually a mix of citric ones, but you can ask for whatever tea we might have outside the menu¨

¨Could it be lemon and mango?¨

¨Yes of course, I will get it right away, anything else for drinks?¨

They agreed they were fine, and the waiter goes quickly, the moment he steps out of the area, Jaemin, on his other side, elbows him.

¨Did you see how he looked at you?¨

¨He is so cute¨ Jungwoo admits

¨Guys, can you not? We are in the restaurant¨ Taeyong says

¨But he is cute¨ Jeno admits, shutting up immediately when the waiter enters again the area, serving them the drinks.

Jaehyun has to admit that his tea is the best looking one, the glass straw and the half a slice of lemon on the edge of the glass. They even placed some mint leaves that had Jaehyun smiling, he did love mint.

¨See?¨ Jaemin points at his drink ¨My iced tea doesn’t look that good¨

¨Because you ordered Nestea¨ Jeno tells him, shaking his head

¨Whatever¨

The waiter comes again after a few minutes and gets everyone’s orders, they are just asking for the better dishes, ordering them to bring it to the table. Everyone shares the food, Taeyong taking a bunch of pictures for future references. They are all happy about that, because if the older says he is going to cook something, he definitely will.

¨So, was everything up to your expectations? Do you want anything for dessert maybe?¨

¨Everything was amazing, the food and the service, thank you very much¨ Taeyong bows politely

¨Thank you sir, the food was made by our acclaimed chef Yuta Nakamoto, so I will let him know that everything was perfect¨ The waiter bows again, smiling after to the table ¨So, do you want anything to finish the meal? If not desserts, maybe some drinks? We have an amazing selection of Japanese liquors, if you want, I can bring some over and you guys can taste them¨

¨That would be lovely, thank you¨ Jaemin says

¨Any kind of liquor that you specifically would like? We have a lemon and mango one, if you liked the iced tea¨ The waiter tells Jaehyun directly, and he doesn’t know what to respond, so he just nods shyly ¨Then I will bring it along our most famous ones¨

As he goes again, Jaemin elbows to him again, with eyes open ¨See? He is flirting¨

¨He is doing his job Jaemin, he knows I look like I will tip him, not like others¨ He teases the younger

¨I’m sure he would rather you tap him than to tip him¨ Jeno says, thinking out loud

¨And I’m sure we can’t take you out anymore, Jesus Jeno¨ Taeyong looks at him, faking disappoint, but everyone ends up laughing at Jenos joke.

Now Jaehyun feels awkward looking at the waiter, whose name was Doyoung, if he remembers it properly, so he just avoids his gaze for the rest of the night. He tried the lemon and mango liquor, and it was in fact exquisite. Taeyong orders the bill, and Doyoung comes again, obviously. He asks if everything was up to taste, and they all agree, but Jaehyun smiles at him, and he swears the waiter bows a little looking and smiling at him. Then he hands the bill to Taeyong, but instead of the usual receipt, there is an envelope. Jaehyun and his friends don’t act surprised because they already prepared for this, but Taeyong looks confused. He opens the envelope that the waiter politely gives him, and the moment  his eyes read what it’s inside, his jaw opens with astonishment.

¨Oh my fucking god, are you serious?¨ Everyone laughs a bit at his honest reaction ¨Oh my fucking god thank you so much!¨

¨Tell us what it is!¨ Jungwoo asks him, as if the present wasn’t from them

¨It’s an admission for the Yuta Nakamoto’s master class here in Seoul! It’s his first time doing a course in Seoul, I thought they were all sold out!¨

¨Oh and they were¨ Mark says ¨But Jeno knows someone¨

¨Of course¨ Taeyong says, and looks up to the waiter ¨Thank you very much¨

¨Oh but I had nothing to do with it¨ the poor waiter laughs a bit, not knowing what to do in the situation ¨Your friends just gave me that¨ he says pointing at the envelope ¨But I will let Yuta know that someone called Taeyong really wants to be at the front of the class¨

¨Oh please don’t, I don’t want to bother him, I’m just happy I can attend, really¨

¨Consider it my birthday present then¨ Doyoung smiles, and with that ¨I’m glad you guys enjoyed tonight, I hope I see you soon¨

With that, he leaves, leaving everyone smiling.

¨What an amazing staff and food, really, I really want to come back¨ Jungwoo says

¨I will never recover financially from this, so please let it be another month so I can get my paycheck¨ Jaehyun says, and everyone laughs.

They debate whether they should go to the private bar next door, that is also owned by the restaurant, but it’s pretty late so they decide to leave it for the next month. On their way home, Jaehyun can carpool with Jungwoo and Taeyong while Jeno drives Mark and Jaemin to their apartment.

¨Did you enjoy dinner Jaehyun? I know you are not the biggest fan of fancy places like that, but you have to admit it was really worth it¨ Jungwoo asks him

¨I’m sure he enjoyed it, Kim Doyoung kept handing him the best portions and the best drinks, so I’m not sure why wouldn’t he enjoyed the night¨ Taeyong teases him, which makes Jaehyun roll his eyes

¨You guys are so unserious¨ he scoffs ¨And besides that, it’s not the first time some waiter or waitress has flirted with me, so I guess you are just jealous because he didn’t flirt with you¨ he points at Jungwoo ¨and you are just jealous because he gave me more attention than to you, even if it wasn’t my birthday¨ now he points at Taeyong

¨And you are just delusional fighting for some attention, like a child¨ Jungwoo hisses, and Jaehyun feels he is jealous, so he just smiles and says nothing, so the other continues ¨The next time we are meeting you straight up in the bar, leave the fancy dinner for the adults¨

Taeyong and Jaehyun start laughing like crazy at Jungwoo’s monologue, and the latest gets annoyed, but that makes the situation even funnier. When they arrive at Jaehyun’s, he kisses the cheeks of his friends and gets out of the car. He goes up to his house, and even if its late, he is full of energy, so he catches up on some chores.

He goes to the building laundromat, sweeps and mops the floor while his clothes are washing, then he goes to pick up the clothes, drying them in his living room, taking up almost all the free space. Feeling now a bit tired, he decides to take a shower and go to sleep, and when he lays in his underwear side hugging his bunny, feeling fresh after the shower, smelling like his body lotion and the soft detergent he used on his clothes, he feels calm.

He smiles, because today had been an amazing day, and he was happy. As simple as that, even if a year ago the thought of happiness was so far away from him that he didn’t even know where to start looking for it, tonight he found it after a good dinner with his friends, some clean clothes, a bunny plushie and a fresh shower. He unlocks his phone one last time before falling asleep, sending Taeyong an audio singing a lazy happy birthday and telling him how much he loved him. After that, he is really ready to have a good night of sleep.

Chapter Text

¨Do you want to go grab lunch after this?¨ Jaehyun asks Jeno, doing another rep of squats

¨I can’t, I’m going with Jaemin to the mall¨ Jeno says, sweeping his forehead with his towel ¨And Jaehyun, start adding weights to the squats, your ass is still non-existent¨

¨You are looking at my ass way too much lately, should I tell your boyfriend?¨

¨Shut the fuck up already¨

Jaehyun loves teasing Jeno, and Jeno just loves Jaehyun, so he lets him. Jeno told them, when they were camping, that he was starting to really like Jaemin, but that he wasn’t going to tell the other nothing. It was mid-July, and he still hadn’t told him anything. Jaehyun couldn’t understand how good he must be at hiding his feelings, but maybe Jaemin was blind.

¨By the way, what are we getting Mark for his birthday? Can you and Jaemin look for something in the mall?¨

¨Yes, we can try¨ Jeno says, as if looking for a present was the hardest task he ever received ¨Why do I feel we all celebrate our birthdays like once a month?¨

¨Because we literally have very close ones, three of us in February and April and the other three on summer¨ Jaehyun says, finishing his rep ¨Anyways, try and look for some Scuffers t-shirts or a nice travel bag¨

¨Oh! That’s a good one, the travel bag, not the Scuffers t-shirt¨ Jeno starts picking up his things ¨I still can’t understand how someone can be so materialistic yet so broke¨

Jaehyun hits him ¨And I don’t understand how someone can be so rich and look so lame¨

They laugh at each other, acknowledging the truth; Jaehyun really liked expensive things (except fancy restaurants) and loved to shop expensive clothes from very cool brands, even if he wasn’t earning a lot, Jeno on the other hand had way more money than Jaehyun but he didn’t spend a single dollar on nothing outside rent and food, only shopping when strictly necessary (or when Jaemin asked for something only he could get on his trips).

¨Sorry for the money comment¨ Jeno said when they were getting to his car ¨I don’t want to make you feel bad because of it, I know you work too hard for it¨

¨It’s okay Jeno, really¨ Jaehyun says, mainly because he doesn’t want to start an argument right before the younger is about to be behind wheels ¨And I know you also work damn hard to get yours. That doesn’t take away the fact that I always look better than you, respectfully¨

¨Well let’s see how goodlooking you are going to be after I crash the car on the first parking column I see¨

¨I take it back!¨ Jaehyun half screamed half laughed

In the afternoon Jeno texts Jaehyun with a couple of pictures of different bags, and a couple of cool t-shirts too. Jaehyun discusses in real life with Taeyong and Jungwoo, as he is spending the afternoon there after having lunch in their apartment.

¨Definitely the green one¨ Jungwoo says, eating some ice cream on the couch ¨The bag and the t-shirt¨

Jaehyun looks at Taeyong, but the older is having a little nap on one of their loveseats.

¨Hey I was thinking, maybe we could go to the Japanese place again for Mark’s birthday…¨

¨No fucking way dude¨ Jaehyun shakes his head ¨Jaemin really wanted to go in his birthday and I literally can’t afford to go twice in the same like two weeks¨

¨Then how about a shared birthday? Do you think they will mind?¨ Jungwoo proposes

¨I don’t even know, but it’s kind of unfair because we all had ours and had such a great time¨

¨Well we can discuss it this weekend, on the way to Incheon¨

¨Seems fine to me¨

They were going to Incheon this weekend to see a walkway in which Jeno had a lot of stage presence. They were really excited because it was the first time that all of them could go at the same time, because one of Jenos new model friends had more invites (Jaehyun thinks he is Chinese and he didn’t have anyone to invite as he didn’t have any friends yet here) so he gave it to Jeno, apparently, they were starting to get very close.

-

The next morning, he was feeling so tired because they got to Seoul from Incheon super late and he didn’t have almost any sleep, plus he had an early shift, opening the cafeteria and dealing with the worst humans possible: morning people. On top of that, Jaemin wasn’t coming today, because yesterday in the train station he tripped and got a sprained ankle, and two of his coworkers were literally doing nothing, just smoking at the back patio while more and more people were starting to order their breakfast combo: a fresh smoothie, a coffee and a croissant or a pastry. He quickly ran to the patio, wanting to have a talk with his coworkers.

¨Are you guys done? We just opened, you can’t have your break yet, it has not even been twenty minutes¨ Jaehyun says quickly, not wanting to waste more time dealing with them

¨You are not our boss, and you also take smoke breaks, isn’t that right?¨ One of them turns to the other, the latter just nodding

¨I am not your boss, but I am your manager and I am asking you both to come back to work, now¨

Jaehyun waits for another ten seconds, but they don’t move

¨You guys didn’t hear me? Inside, now¨

¨Oh so last year when you spend your afternoons crying in the bathroom, that was okey¨ The other one says, both laughing, but Jaehyun comes closer, looking at them seriously ¨Don’t act all tough now, we are just so stressed out I need this smoke break, okay?¨

His stupid co-worker starts fake crying, and Jaehyun kind of loses it. He slaps the cigarette out of his hand and steps on it, then he grabs him by the collar while getting his face really close ¨You are just as stupid as you look, and thanks god I can’t fire you because you would have been out of this shithole for a while now. So, get your shit together and start fucking working, I am not going to tell you twice¨ Jaehyun turns and grabs the other one by the collar, just as he did with his friend ¨And you, grow a pair¨

He gets back to work, not surprised by how his co-workers were lazily following him. He couldn’t force them to work better because for that he would have to use real violence, so he just does his best. That afternoon, when he’s about to end his shift, his boss calls him into the office.

¨Hello sir, everything okay?¨ Jaehyun asks politely as he sits in front of his boss

¨Do you think this is okay?¨ His boss turns around his computer screen, showing him some footage of the security camera of the patio. It was about this morning, but the camera didn’t catch the audio, so things were looking pretty awful to Jaehyun ¨You can leave your uniform on your way out, I will send you your last paycheck by the end of the week¨

¨No but sir, it has been a mistake, they were-¨

¨Yuno, I don’t fucking care. They were your employees, on your shift, and you assaulted both, that’s just unacceptable¨

¨But they weren’t working, and we had a lot-¨

¨I don’t fucking care Yuno, I rather have people not working that people filling complaints¨ he says as he raises two complaints sheets ¨It’s a shame, I thought you liked this job¨

¨And I do, please sir, I cannot afford to be unemployed right now¨

¨Not my problem kid, I’m so sorry really. Goodbye, close the door on your way out¨

Jaehyun nods and gets out of the office. He removes his apron and kitchen shoes, changes into his clothes and leaves the uniform in his locker, the door open. He grabs a backpack he had there for over two years and leaves the cafeteria. When he’s out in the street, he turns and just takes out both middle fingers to it. It doesn’t matter if someone saw or no one did, he needed to do that.

-

¨So yeah, long story short, I am now officially unemployed¨ Jaehyun shares the story with Jaemin, Jeno and Taeyong, they are in Jeno’s flat because Jaemin still has to rest his ankle ¨So if anyone knows for an open job, I’m literally open to anything¨

¨Fucking Lee¨ Jaemin says ¨I am going to literally fight them next week when I see them¨

¨Please don’t¨ Jaehyun asks ¨Unless you want to go job-hunting with me¨

¨I’m sorry Jaehyun, that is absolutely unfair¨ Taeyong says ¨I will ask everyone I know in the university if they hear of job opportunity¨

¨Same¨ Jeno says, clenching his fists, clearly showing he was angry

¨Lets order something for dinner¨ Jaemin says, trying to lighten up the mood ¨My treat, for taking care of me so well these pasts days¨

¨No need, really¨ Taeyong tries, but the younger already had set his mind on that

They order some Chinese food, instantly munching on it when the delivery guy came, not even taking it out the containers.

¨I have to introduce you to my Chinese friend, his name is Renjun¨

¨We saw him at the event¨ Jaemin says

¨But you guys didn’t get to talk, he’s really funny and, for some reason, he knows a lot of Korean, but like, a lot¨

¨Bring him the next time then, we would have to make him compete against Mark for the Korean citizenship¨ Jaehyun says

¨No way, he would take that away from him and we don’t want Mark again listening to old Korean music just to prove a point¨

¨Oh hell no, that was a nightmare¨ Taeyong shakes his head ¨Jaemin you got lucky he got that disease cured, the whole I’m as much Korean as you guys, he had like jjajangmyeon for breakfast and only listened to Korean trot, it was awful¨

They all laugh remembering that phase Mark suffered a couple years ago, everyone glad it was already over.

¨So, speaking of Mark…¨ Jaehyun needs to bring this up as soon as possible ¨Jaemin would you mind if you guys did a shared birthday? I am really struggling to manage the money I have left and I literally have no job now, so…¨

¨Of course Jaehyunnie, I don’t mind at all, in fact, I would prefer it¨ Jaemin says smiling

¨Why is that?¨ Jeno asks curiously

¨Because I don’t need to buy Mark a present, it’s going to be my birthday too, it wouldn’t feel right¨ he says nodding, as if it was an accurate thought

They just let him be, smiling as he has dinner. After a couple of hours, when they are about to leave, Mark gets home from his radio program, so they decide to stay longer. Jaehyun feels really unemployed when his friends ask him if he’s going to stay over, and he says yes, because he literally has nothing to do tomorrow.

So, he stays, and the next day Jeno and him go to his house and change, so they can hit the gym for a couple of hours. Jaehyun feels like staying longer, but Jeno tells him he’s going to meet Renjun for an interview with some influencers, so he just drops him in his house. Jaehyun does his chores, plays some piano and has a nap.

-

He doesn’t feel that bad, but after a week, he feels like he is going to lose it. He has all his clothes clean, even the winter ones. He tied up his studio four times in the past six days, reorganizing the furniture a bit, the bed now has space from both sides, so if Jungwoo and Taeyong stay over again, no one needs to be pressed up against the wall.

He tries fixing his door, but fails miserably, breaking even more the door handle and now it looks like someone broke into his bathroom, but he just lets it be. He goes to his bed and decides to look for a different place, since now he doesn’t obviously live close to his workplace because he has no workplace at all, but the prices are just insane, and he closes the browser after twenty minutes. He jumps to his laptop, updating his CV, because he now has those +2 years of experience that everyone asks for, so he writes it down happily.

The next days he tries his best to compose, but he feels stuck; like everything he plays he has already heard it somewhere and nothing seems catchy enough. Not even catchy enough but real enough.

She's sweet like watermelon
I love the way you taste

He rolls his eyes at his own words, not understanding how he can sound so cliche and not relatable at the same time. Watermelon? Who likes the watermelon taste? It tastes like nothing for god’s sake. He is going to erase the note, but he tells himself that everything is a process, so he just leaves his words hanging, marinating on his phone. So instead, he decides to go for a walk. He finds himself going to the same places he uses to go, and he can’t take himself to another place, not wanting to see something new. He just walks comfortably around his city. He thinks he sees Seulgi again inside a bakery, but he honestly doesn’t want to have any kind of conversation at the moment with no one, so he just goes home.

-

The next week he and his friends repeat the drill for Mark and Jaemin’s birthday, but this time Jaehyun has all the time in the world to prepare himself, so he spends the afternoon on that: he decides to wear denim pants with a matching denim jacket, nothing under. He knows that maybe he is bold, considering the elastic band of his boxers are showing, but Jeno gave this outfit to him because it was the first outfit he wore in which Jaehyun saw him modeling, so he gave it to him after the event. Jaehyun is wearing as his friend did, not buttoning up the whole thing, just the right number of buttons. He is going to wear it with black boots and some fake glasses. He looks at himself in the mirror of the elevator of his building, looking at his styled back hair, with a lock perfectly placed on the right side of his forehead.

He is in no rush, so he takes the subway. Through the way he receives a couple of stares, from head to toe, like Jaehyun was actually naked. He had to look down a couple of times in case he forgot to close his pants zipper, but he realized people were just staring at him. That made him feel confident. He gets to the restaurant an hour before, so he just walks around, has a couple cigarettes and takes a couple of pictures, not for his Instagram but for his future Tinder profile. Tinder, Bumble, whatever.

He thought about it, and he thinks he is ready for casual. Casual what? Just casual, let’s leave it like that. He realized that when Mark was talking about a girl influencer, he did a collaboration a few months ago, and they saw each other at a sports event last week and he was head over heels for her. And apparently, her feelings were the same towards him, because they had a date the next week.

When mark was showing one of the pictures (only the profile one, Mark didn’t want to show her around like a trophy to his single friends) Jaehyun thought she was stunning and that he probably would have flirted with her if they met up at a bar. And that was all his thoughts last week, meeting someone at a bar. He wants to see if he is ready for that casual conversation, and if he passes this test, he is going into online dating. But just for casual things. He of course didn’t tell his genius plan to his friends, mainly because he knows it’s a bit soon and they would hardly disagree with him, but he’s just going to try this out on his own.

His friends arrive at the time they agreed, and they go inside the restaurant like they did last time. They get a bigger table because Marks co-hosts, Jhonny and Jisung, are also invited to the birthday party. Jaemin brings also a couple of friends: one Thai guy whose name can’t remember that he met on a trip with his parents a few years ago that moved to Seoul years ago and they kept contacting each other from time to time, and last week he moved to Seoul for two months for a dance training program, so he invited him, and Chenle, a high school friend. The last one was also foreigner, Chinese. Jaehyun thought they looked like Erasmus students going to their last dinner together.

Everything went as good as the last time except this time, Doyoung wasn’t there. Jaehyun prayed that they didn’t fire him too, but he laughs that when he sees the restaurant, it doesn’t look like a place where he would have to literally fight with his coworkers. When they order the bill, the chef, Yuta, comes to the table and greets everyone, shaking hands with Taeyong, calling him his ¨best student¨. Even if they tell Yuta that he doesn’t need to lie, everyone knows that it’s true, because Taeyong was just an excellent student, he really could do anything he wanted. After the dinner, they stay for a bit longer in the restaurant, ordering the same liquors they ordered (except the lemon and mango one because they ran out of that).

They say each other goodbye at the door, mainly to Jisung and Chenle, saying sorry for going earlier. The rest of them stay for a bit laughing at some anecdotes and getting to know each other better, so Jaehyun takes a couple of steps back and lights up a cigarette.

¨Can I have one?¨ Marks friend, Jhonny, asks, and he hands him one ¨Thanks dude¨

They have a very comfortable small talk about the United States, bonding over that, when Jaemin suddenly catches everyone’s attention.

¨So, who’s coming with me to the bar?¨the younger asks, and Jaehyun smiles because his plan was still on ¨Come on people, it’s not even twelve¨

And everyone agrees, mainly because they feel bad about attending the birthdays, but also because they were curious about the bar that the restaurant owned. It was the local next door, with a couple of stairs that led it to a semi basement, but not claustrophobic at all. They scan the place as they enter, and it really shows that they continue with the luxury vibe down here. Jaehyun sets up his mind and knows that he is not going to have more than 1 drink, he doesn’t even want to know how much that drink is going to cost him, but he settles down on one. As they approach the counter, he sees him. He sees Doyoung. And for some reason he’s extremely happy about that fact. Something about him makes Jaehyun feel happy, like if he had a lucky charm right next to him.

The waiter seems to notice them too at the same time. He smiles widely and greets them all, congratulating this time the other two friends.

¨You guys came again to the restaurant?¨ Doyoung asks them over the music

¨Yeah¨ Jeno says

¨Did you enjoy today’s dinner?¨ Doyoung asks Taeyong directly, and the latter nods ¨I’m glad, I will let Yuya know again¨

They go and order a drink, but Jaehyun is not ready yet. He has the budget for only one drink, so he really thinks about it seriously. But someone interrupts him away from his thoughts.

¨And for you?¨ Doyoung asks Jaehyun

He realizes the waiter is not wearing the restaurant uniform, but a very similar one. He’s not wearing the vest, only the black pants and a white shirt, the first button unopened. He still has his glasses, but he now has a very small silver chain around his neck.

¨Sorry¨ Jaehyun says, knowing it has been too long since the question ¨I don’t know what I want yet…¨

¨Do you accept suggestions?¨ Doyoung asks ¨What was your name?¨

¨Jung Jaehyun¨ he says

¨Okay Jung Jaehyun, let me make you something¨

Jaehyun just nods and sees how the waiter, now a bartender, starts mixing things and prepares him a bright cocktail, when he hands it to Jaehyun he says something to him, but he doesn’t catch it, so he just smiles and takes his drink. On his way to where his friends were, he tries it, and he has to sip again because the cocktail was just too good.

¨Woah, what is that?¨ Jaemin asks ¨I want one¨

¨I don’t know, Doyoung made it¨

¨Who is Doyoung?¨ Ten, Jaemin’s thai friend asks 

¨The bartender¨ Jeno answers ¨He is into Jaehyun¨

¨They have a complicated relationship¨ Jungwoo teases him even more

¨We have no relationship, don’t listen to them¨ Jaehyun says to Ten ¨We met him last time we came here, and it was our restaurant waiter but nothing more really, he’s just very nice¨

¨I see I see¨ the other says, and he laughs more when Jaemin whispers something to his ears

Jaehyun just rolls his eyes and scoffs. He scans the room, looking for someone beside his annoying friends to talk to, but no one really catches his eyes.

¨Who are you looking for?¨

¨Someone to fuck¨ Jaehyun says

¨Oh hell¨ Taeyong says

¨I’m joking¨

¨Well you look like it, why are you wearing-¨ Taeyong grabs his jacket collar and sees the tag ¨Prada!?¨

¨I just wanted to look nice, Jeno gave this to me a while ago and I haven’t had the chance to put it on¨

¨It looks very nice¨ Taeyong smirks

¨Thanks, I know it’s a bit fancy, but I just wanted to be confident, today I want to talk to someone¨

¨Oh okay, but like, talk to someone for real? Are you sure?¨

¨Yes Taeyong, I’m ready¨

And Jaehyun rolls his eyes, a little bit annoyed with the overprotection. He doesn’t want to talk about it, about the whole moving on thing, he just wants it to be casual, comfortable, not like setting a date and be like ¨from now on, I am ready¨. He just wants to do what he feels, even if he’s in the wrong, and now he feels ready. He just walks to the counter, approaching two girls that were looking at him while sipping on her drinks shyly.

One of them, Soheeon, is very shy, but her friend, Lucy, is extremely funny. He dances with both of them and when the shy girls goes to the bathroom, he tries approaching her friend.

¨So, what are your plans for tonight?¨

¨I’m trying to pair you up with my friend¨ she says, a bit too honest

¨Oh really?¨ he laughs shyly ¨I’m having more fun with you¨

¨But I have a boyfriend you silly¨

¨Never mind then¨ Jaehyun smiles awkwardly ¨And sorry for your friend, but I am not really interested in her¨

¨That’s okay, have fun then¨ Lucy says, smiling to Jaehyun and approaching the bathroom hall, waiting for her friend

Jaehyun sighs. Why would he think he would be succeeding at his first try? Well, it doesn’t matter why he thought it, but he did. He tries again with a boy that walked up to him, but he is very unsure about his age, so he just declines politely, and again with a girl that walks up to him again, but she didn’t speak Korean at all and Jaehyun was a bit tipsy to maintain a conversation in English, but he tries anyways. He realizes that his drink is now empty, and he thinks to himself that another drink isn’t going to do much harm, so he approaches Doyoung again.

¨Hey¨ he says, sitting in a stool in front of him

¨Hey you, didn’t you say you weren’t going to drink that much tonight?¨

¨The drink you gave me made me change my opinion¨

¨So it was that good?¨ Doyoung asks and Jaehyun nods, humming ¨I’m glad, do you want another one?¨

¨You can try anything else, if you want¨

¨Okay, wait here then¨

Jaehyun sees carefully how Doyoung moves around the counter, grabbing some ice and a nice glass. He didn’t realize it before, but Doyoung was actually very attractive, but because even if he wasn’t trying, he still got Jaehyun losing his focus in front of him. He started cutting up some lime slices when he cuts himself badly, snapping Jaehyun back to reality.

¨Fuck are you okay?¨ He asks

¨Yes but oh my god its burning¨ Doyoung moves his head around ¨Can you pass me that?¨ He says, looking at one white kitchen rag

Jaehyun nods and goes behind the counter, grabbing the rack. He sees Doyoung is eager to grab it but he goes to the sink and wets it for a bit, knowing it would help to stop the blood running out. He quickly moves to Doyoung, looking around to look for some staff, but he finds none.

¨Are you by yourself tonight?¨

¨Meaning?¨ Doyoung says, tilting his head and smiling

¨Working, like if anyone is doing this shift with you¨

¨Oh no, today I am by myself. Its not that busy as you can see¨

¨Do you want me to call someone?¨

¨I am just going upstairs for a second to grab the medical kit, I know it’s silly, but can you take care of the cash register?¨ Doyoung asks worriedly ¨I’m just going to grab some band aids from the restaurant, I will be back real quick¨

¨Yes don’t worry¨ Jaehyun nods, and Doyoung goes almost running to the main door

Jaehyun just waits to stand, like a kid in a supermarket waiting for his mom to come back again to the line. But the panic intensifies when a couple of guys approach the bar and ask for two gin and tonics. He blinks, trying to find a solution. He is about to tell them that he, in fact, doesn’t work here, but one of them is ready to pay and has a eighty thousand wons in his hand. He looks for the door, and Doyoung doesn’t cross it for the next 10 seconds, so Jaehyun nods.

He prepares the two gin tonics quickly, getting them into the register and charges them, getting back their change. The two men thank him and leaves him a ten thousand won tip. He grabs the notes and looks at it, should he keep it? He shakes his head quickly and gets them inside the tip jar, which is next to the register. Another two guys and a girl approach the bar and ask for a round of shots, and after that round, another. They don’t leave tip but thank  Jaehyun very nicely, leaving the latter very happy. While he is preparing a couple of cocktails for an elderly couple Doyoung comes back. He looks a bit confused but proud at the same time while he sees how Jaehyun is serving them. They leave him another ten thousand won tip, and when he’s about to get it inside the jar, Doyoung stops him.

¨Take it, you served them¨

¨I know but its literally not my place¨

¨But you did great, are you a bartender too?¨

¨Well I work- I worked in a cafeteria for two years¨

¨I see¨ Doyoung checks the register and sees that everything is under control ¨Well if you want you can help me tonight, cut myself a bit harsh and I can barely move these two fingers¨

¨Um…¨ Jaehyun doubts, because he really did not come tonight to work, obviously, but as he cut himself while making Jaehyun a drink, he feels bad ¨Yes, okay, I can help you¨

¨Sorry, I didn’t want to pressure you! Its okey if you don’t though, I thought you were having a fun time¨

¨No, yes, sorry, I was, you just got me by surprise¨

¨Okay, let’s get to it then¨

Jaehyun nods and both of them get started, and even if it wasn’t that crowded they still have a lot of fun. He  learns a couple of bartender tricks and Doyoung eventually just sits and lets him do his work.  

His friends approach him a couple of times, teasing him, because they must think that Jaehyun was flirting with him, but he was just helping him, right? He looked at Doyoung when this thought crossed his mind, the bartender looking back and smiling at him. Jaehyun smiles back, a warm feeling spreading through his body. They talk through the whole night, mainly just casual conversation, but Jaehyun really likes meeting new people, so just finds everything Doyoung tells him so amused that he doesn’t want to stop talking to him.

After a couple of hours his friends decide to wrap it up, but Jaehyun realizes he really doesn’t want to go. He tells his friend that he is just going to stay for a while longer, so they say goodbye and wave him off.

¨You can go, it doesn’t seem like anyone is going to be coming anymore¨

¨Its okey really, I’m having so much fun, thank you¨

Jaehyun says thank you because for these hours he has been so busy, feeling so productive: he helped someone he didn’t even know, he tried adapting himself in a new situation, he flirted a bit with the girls and boys that asked for a drink (and his number). He was just having a good time, plus, he could choose the music. And Doyoung was bopping his head with every song Jaehyun chose, so he thought he was doing a good job.

After a couple hours more, the last group leaves the bar, and Jaehyun sighs, feeling slightly tired. But when he sees his phone and checks the time, he opens his eyes big enough to startle Doyoung.

¨Everything okay?¨

¨Its six am¨

¨Yes, why?¨

¨It’s so late¨

¨Well, I rather say it is early, its less depressing¨ Doyoung smiles, going over the register to start making adjusting the numbers

Meanwhile Jaehyun cleans, because he knows any cleaning product would hurt Doyoung’s cut too much, and because Jaehyun never did this job before, he realized the mess he made after everyone left: spoons, mixers, ice trays, fruit slices, all of it everywhere.

¨Thank you so much for today¨ Doyoung says after he finished his counting, sitting again in one of the stools in the other side of the counter ¨This is for you¨

Jaehyun looks up and sees Doyoung handing him an envelope. He opened it confused and saw thirty thousand wons.

¨What is that? Are you joking?¨

¨What? You helped me through the whole night, weren’t you expecting some money?¨

¨Not at all, but thank you¨

¨Well if you weren’t expecting it, you can give it back¨ Doyoung jokes

Jaehyun rolls his eyes and finishes cleaning the counter. They go up the stairs when he finishes, feeling a bit weird about coming out of a bar at such late (or early) hours.

¨Do you want to grab a coffee?¨ Jaehyun asks

¨Are you not tired of me yet?¨

¨Yes, that’s why I need a coffee¨

Doyoung laughs at him, rolling his eyes. They walk for a couple of minutes until they find an open cafeteria. They sit outside because it’s summer and the weather is amazing. Jaehyun thinks the scenery of them both must a weird sight, two boys, one with blonde-white hair, in a suit and some bandages in his hands (he realizes his shirt its also stained) and him in a Prada jacket and matching pants.

¨You must be sweating¨ Doyoung says, pointing at him ¨That jacket looks thick¨

¨Well I didn’t think I would be staying until tomorrow morning yesterday when I was choosing the outfit¨

¨Fair point¨ he nods and sips ¨So, I feel like we have been talking like we have been talking all night, but we haven’t said anything substantial to each other¨

¨That might be true¨ Jaehyun says after gulping down his ice coffee, he was really sweating ¨Well you know I’m Jaehyun, and I’m twenty-five years old¨

¨Oh really?¨ Doyoung says ¨And I’ve been thinking this whole time you were older than me, I’m twenty-six¨

¨I thought you were younger too¨

¨Thank you¨ Doyoung winks at him ¨And I thought you gave up flirting after last night…¨

¨Oh my god¨ Jaehyun says, almost forgetting about his null chances of flirting ¨You saw?¨

¨Jaehyun there were only like thirty people last night and half of them were you and your friends, of course I saw¨

¨Was it embarrassing?¨ Jaehyun asks, feeling already embarrassed even before Doyoung could answer

¨Very, but it’s okay¨ They both laugh at this

They talk more about that embarrassing moment, and Doyoung tells him some anecdotes about people flirting with him. He told Jaehyun about girls and boys, but Jaehyun couldn’t tell if Doyoung liked both. For some reason, he really wanted to know.

¨By the way¨ Jaehyun tries to get to know more information ¨Did Taeyong really had dinner with you?¨

¨Yeah, why? You asked like if I was a celebrity¨

¨Don’t be like that¨ Jaehyun chuckles ¨He told me you guys had a common friend?¨

¨Well, a friend, that’s a bold thing to say¨ Doyoung talks ¨Yuta wanted to know him better after the cooking course, so they went and had dinner and Yuta brought me along because he didn’t want it to be awkward¨

¨Ohh, I see. And was it? Awkward? Taeyong is shy at first, but he opens up quickly¨

¨I don’t know, after dinner I left, but I guess it wasn’t that awkward later¨

¨Why do you say it like that?¨

¨Oh you don’t know? They fucked¨

And Jaehyun spit his coffee. In fact, he spits it too much it reaches Doyoung’s shirt. He feels ashamed but he feels way more surprised about what he just heard.

¨I’m sorry about that¨ Jaehyun says, giving him some napkins ¨I was just-¨

¨Don’t worry, I’m probably going to throw it away anyways…¨ he laughs it off ¨I can’t believe you didn’t know¨

¨I’m really going to fight him; how could he not tell me?¨

Doyoung just shrugs. They finish their coffee and Doyoung pays for it, even if Jaehyun insisted. They walk a bit more until Jaehyun sees the subway, so he points there, trying to get the older attention.

¨I’m going to grab the subway¨

¨Let me drive you, I don’t think the subway its open that early¨

Jaehyun laughs again at the early thing, and as he feels a bit tired, he agrees to the whole driving thing. When they get back to the bar, they walk a few minutes in the opposite direction, getting into an underground parking. As they reach Doyoung’s car, he just knows he has money. He has a nice Mercedes, and as he studied him a bit better at this morning coffee, he realized the jewelry he was wearing was expensive, he knew a good silver chain when he saw one. Also, the amount of money he gave him just because he helped him tonight, he just guessed he had money. He entered his address on the car map, and just let himself be drove there. They don’t talk much in the way, and Jaehyun is okay with that. He does get surprised when Doyoung plays some DAY6, and Jaehyun can’t help but hum their songs.

¨Do you like them?¨ Doyoung asks him, and the younger lazily nods ¨I couldn’t tell, yesterday you were playing weird music¨

¨But you liked it¨ Jaehyun defends himself

¨It was still weird¨

¨And a boy came over and asked me for they playlist¨

¨I saw, he was literally twenty-one, so I didn’t expect him to have music taste¨

¨Whatever¨

They got to their apartment really fast, and Jaehyun realized it was because Doyoung drove really fast, but not like Jeno-fast. Maybe he didn’t realize because he was really comfortable there, he got a sudden feeling of not wanting to get out of the car, he really wanted to just chill in the passenger seat, listening to DAY6 while someone drives.

¨Thanks for dropping me off¨

¨Thanks to you for last night, could I have your number?¨ Jaehyun looked only a bit startled and Doyoung must noticed it ¨So you can send me more playlists¨

¨Of course¨ Jaehyun grabbed Doyoung’s phone, that he was handing him, and wrote down his number under the name of Jung Jaehyun ¨If someone tips you because of the music, send me that money¨

¨Done deal¨

They shake hands and Jaehyun gets down the car. They have a friendly fight of who goes first, Jaehyun wanting to make sure Doyoung can get out of his street safely, and Doyoung seemed like he was waiting for Jaehyun to enter safely to his building, and because he is tired, he lets the younger win and waves him, getting inside his building.

Once inside, he just goes lazily to his studio, taking a quick shower and getting directly to bed.

-

¨I can’t believe summer its over¨ Mark says, with some strain in his voice

¨But it’s going to be spooky season soon¨ Taeyong says smiling

¨Soon? It’s 9^th of September Taeyong¨ Jaemin adds

¨Time it’s going too fast, way too fast¨ Mark says

¨You are ruining the mood¨ Jaehyun says from their terrace, smoking ¨If you keep that attitude you are going to end up like me¨

¨Smoking?¨ Jeno guesses

¨Single and unemployed¨ He sighs dramatically, and everyone laughs at his performance

Jaehyun loved teasing Mark, especially because he knew his friend wasn’t either single or unemployed, he started dating that influencer, Sophia, and his radio show was doing amazing numbers this season. His friends were doing pretty well, and he couldn’t be happier about them.

¨You guys are staying for lunch? I can make some bibimbap¨ Jaemin suggested, raising his hand

¨I have to go, I’m still on the hunt¨ Jaehyun says

¨Good luck dude¨ Mark says

He says goodbye to all his friends, kissing Jungwoo and Taeyongs’ head on his way out. He knew he could stay, and it wouldn’t change the fact that he was going to find a job tomorrow, but he wanted to be alone. He walked home, listening to some music. He stopped at a convenience store, and while he was deciding between getting some nuts or some ice cream to have on the way, his phone rang. He saw Doyoung name on it, and Jaehyun was confused because since last month, they only talked a few times by message, sending each other shitty songs and some articles about rating cocktail places in Seoul. But at the same time, Jaehyun’s heart skipped a beat. He was really looking forward talking again to him, but the opportunity didn’t came at all, so he just let it slide, but tonight was different.

¨Yes?¨

¨Jaehyun? Hi, I’m Doyoung¨ he sounded in a rush ¨Look I know this is very last minute, but could you come to the bar tonight? My coworker Donghyuck just called in sick, they are doing some surgery on his dog, and he can’t come tonight¨

¨Yeah, I can go¨ Jaehyun said, feeling a bit nervous ¨Is everything okay?¨

¨Yes, it’s just, tonight we have an event at the restaurant, we are opening another place in Incheon, and we are just having an inauguration party with the investors and CEOs, so we are expecting a lot of people in the bar later. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency¨

¨Yes, don’t worry, I will be there. What about the attire? Is it going to be a fancy event? What should I wear?¨

¨I will just let you some clothes when you are here, see you at eight? Seems good?¨

¨Perfect, see you there¨

¨Thank you so much Jaehyun¨

Doyoung hung up quickly, and Jaehyun left the convenience store. He now wasn’t walking but running to his house, ready to have a quick shower and rest for a bit, he knew tonight was going to be a long night.

At seven and a half, Jaehyun was already getting down the stairs of the bar, Doyoung already mopping the floor.

¨Oh hi, you are early¨

¨Yes, I didn’t want to be late¨ Jaehyun admitted. It wasn’t only that he was, in fact, unemployed, and that he literally didn’t have anything better to do with his time.

¨Good, good¨ Doyoung left the mop ¨Come, I am going to give you your uniform¨

Jaehyun followed him to the back store and got the bag the older gave to him. He went to the small bathroom stall and changed, but as soon as he saw the shirt, he knew that it was a bit small for him. He wasn’t sure if Doyoung gave him the right one, so he opened the door and called him.

¨What?¨ Doyoung said to him, looking directly at his bare chest

¨This is not going to fit me¨

¨Okay big guy, hold on there¨ Doyoung turned and looked for another shirt, quickly grabbing another ¨I think this is bigger¨

Jaehyun tried it on without entering the bathroom, he already changed his pants, so he didn’t see a reason to go again to that small place, it was claustrophobic. The shirt indeed was bigger, but still Jaehyun felt uncomfortable around his arms.

¨I see¨ Doyoung said as he saw Jaehyun’s face ¨I think this is going to do for now, we will find a solution in the future, don’t worry. And now, let’s go!¨

Doyoung stormed out of the room, directly to the bar. Jaehyun gathered his clothes and saved them in the bag Doyoung previously gave him, hiding it inside a locker. He knew no one was going to steal from him, but he still felt unsure about leaving the lock open. He went and joined Doyoung, and they both started preparing the room for their guests. They had to make a lot of preparations, mainly with the preparations of drinks, they needed to get everything in order before the service started. And right on time, at eleven and a half, people started coming down to the bar.

Jaehyun and Doyoung divided their work: Doyoung was going to be handling the payments and getting the glass prepped, with the proper ice and fruit slices, while Jaehyun would just mix the drinks and pour them into the glasses. And their plan seemed to be amazing, until someone asked for a drink he never heard about, so he had to ask Doyoung about it.

¨Doyoung¨ he raised his voice, startling the named ¨what is a flamin’ hot lemon?¨

¨Let me¨ Doyoung shifted quickly to his place ¨Listen to me carefully because I am only going to say it once. Two shots of tequila, one squeeze of lemon juice¨ he started listing the ingredients as he poured them in the mixer ¨one spoonful of honey, one dash of tabasco, one pinch of cayenne pepper, chili powder and half a glass of soda¨

Jaehyun just nods through the whole recipe, sees how Doyoung mixes it fast, looking far more professional than him, but he was just happy he was learning from someone so good at his job. He rimmed a glass with lemon juice and dipped it into a mixture of chili powder and salt, poured the mix into it, and sprinkled the pepper on top of it.

¨VoilਠDoyoung says, smiling ¨Here you have it sir, enjoy¨ He tells a man behind the counter

He shifts his place again with Jaehyun, getting back with the preparations. He sees how fast he is slicing a lemon, and he just prays that he doesn’t cut himself again.

The hours passed, and thankfully, because most of the people were middle aged man, they are leaving the bar at three o clock sharply. And the good thing about a bar at three o clock, is that, if there is no one at three in the morning, no one is going to enter an empty place. So, at three and a half, only Doyoung and Jaehyun were on the dance floor. Not dancing but cleaning it.

¨You were amazing Jaehyun, really¨

¨Except for the flamin’ hot lemon thing¨

¨But it’s understandable, only the finer of palates know of it¨

¨Oh come on, don’t start teasing. The ingredients couldn’t be easier¨

¨But the flavor… haven’t you tried it?¨ Jaehyun shakes his head, and Doyoung smiles becomes wider ¨Come here¨

Doyoung gets to the counter and Jaehyun sits on the other side. He sees Doyoung preparing the drink he prepared tonight, and after finishing with the pepper, he handed it so gracefully to Jaehyun that he didn’t want to try it, he didn’t want to ruin it.

¨Don’t be shy, try it¨

And Jaehyun does. The drinks leaves him speechless, and, as the drink the bartender made for him last month, he has to sip twice to truly taste it. But it wasn’t only the flavor that amazed him, it was the whole vibe. Doyoung made him feel things he never got to feel in his life, in a good way. But also in a scary way, because Jaehyun didn’t know if he was ready to discover himself so much yet.

¨Its amazing¨ he says ¨I can’t understand how can something that has so much lemon can taste so warm¨

¨That’s it, that’s the funny part¨ Doyoung bows ¨You’re welcome¨

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, but in a friendly way. He loves how petty Doyoung is. The older makes another drink for himself, and they bond over their drinks while they clean the rest of the bar. They go to the back store and change into their daily clothes. He glances at Doyoung, and about how professional he looks, even with just some cargo pants and a grey shirt. He looks at his uniform and grabs his white shirt, and for some reason, he wants to keep it.

¨Can I keep it?¨ He asks

¨But it doesn’t fit you¨

¨I know, but I just-¨

¨Just wait until tomorrow, I will have another one ready for you¨

¨I’m sorry?¨

¨Well I wanted to ask you, I don’t know if you are working right now but I would like to offer you a place here¨ Doyoung says casually ¨Since we are opening a new place, a lot of my coworkers are leaving to Incheon and we are looking for people¨

¨Really?¨ Jaehyun says, unable to know if the older is just messing with him

¨Absolutely, I talked with my manager the first time you helped me, and he told me to give you a second chance when I needed you. And here you are. You did amazing Jaehyun¨

¨I was just pouring drinks Doyoung, it’s not rocket science¨

¨First, ouch¨ the older one faked getting hurt by his comment, grabbing his chest ¨Second, I know it’s not rocket science but that doesn’t mean you weren’t amazing, you have charisma Jaehyun, you know your way. But its okey if you can’t, I was just offering¨

¨No no, I can. I want. Thank you¨

Jaehyun approaches Doyoung and hugs him and he can feel through his body that warmth he feels when he’s with him but intensified. He feels so much like himself when he’s with Doyoung. The older gets him, and he doesn’t seem like it’s such a complicated thing, to understand him, he just does.

¨Hey, are you okay? Why are you crying?¨ Doyoung hugs him back with worry in his voice

¨I’m just so happy, I don’t know¨ He steps back ashamed, drying his eyes, he didn’t even notice he started crying ¨Thanks Doyoung, really¨

¨You can expect a call from my manager tomorrow morning, if that’s okey with you¨

Jaehyun nods, taking his things from his locker.

¨You can leave, I can close this¨ Doyoung says dryly, but Jaehyun doesn’t feel comfortable with that

¨Nonsense, let me help you¨

¨I am not driving you home today¨

¨Then I’m leaving¨ Jaehyun teases back, and they both smile at each other

They finish quickly the remaining chores, feeling extremely proud of themselves when they are up in the street, closing the bar.

¨If its okey to you, todays work will be included in this month payroll¨

¨Oh I forgot about that, yes, it’s okay¨

¨Nice. See you tomorrow then?¨

¨See you tomorrow, Doyoung. Thanks really¨

Jaehyun smiles at him, and Doyoung goes and hugs him. It was a very friendly hug, but Jaehyun felt secure in his embrace. A lot of things were running through his mind, and he didn’t want to stop and think about them at the moment. When the older steps back, they just exchange a couple of goodbyes and Jaehyun goes first. He thinks of getting a cab, but he really wants to walk. He wants to feel the summer ending, he wants to look at the sky and feel the slightly chilly. It’s the second day working there, and both days he came home feeling extremely happy, confident about himself.

When he laid in bed after showering, he texted his friends about the news. For some reason, Jungwoo was awake at five in the morning and called Jaehyun. He explained briefly what happened, but he told him that he would explain it better over the week, when everyone could meet, because now he was also a busy person. Jungwoo laughed at his silly comments and wished him goodnight. Jaehyun did the same and hung up the phone, falling asleep instantly after.

-

The next week he organizes a breakfast. He loved meeting his friends for breakfast, and even more if they went to a local cafeteria (not the one he used to work at, that place was vetoed from their minds, only visiting it whenever they picked Jaemin up). They met in a place closer to Jeno, Jaemin and Marks’ apartment. The place was literally named Breakfast, and only opened on the weekends for three hours in the morning. Jaehyun asked himself if it could be profitable, but apparently, it was.

He got there first, sending a picture of the place to Doyoung. The older loved really loved eating in nice places, and he was really interested in whatever that involved food and drinks, so he shared the local cafeteria.

jaehyun

we are going to be having breakfast in breakfast

kim doyoung (boss)

are you having an stroke?

oh wait that’s the cafe near the national park right?

jaehyun

yes, you never came?

kim doyoung (boss)

no! everytime i go its closed, then the fuck does it open?

jaehyun

only on weekends and for a really short period of time in the morning

kim doyoung (boss)

i see, well, have fun! see you tonight :)

Jaehyun shivered remembering the smiley face he left on Seulgi’s fridge magnet. Jesus, that seemed like years ago and it didn’t even been a year. He was going to reply something to Doyoung but he saw Jeno, Jaemin and Mark crossing the main door. They sat around Jaehyun’s table, and while Jaehyun was looking through the showcase, he saw a very fancy car stop in front of the place and Taeyong and Jungwoo getting out of the car. He elbowed to his friends, pointing at his two other friends. When they all sat together, Jaemin couldn’t hold the question.

¨Whose car was it?¨

¨A friend-¨

¨Yuta, right?¨ Jaehyun says, getting everyone’s attention

¨Yuta?¨ Jeno asks

¨Did you know?¨ Jungwoo says

¨Yuta what? Nakamoto? The chef?¨ Mark asks, with the same uncertainty Jeno did

¨Since when you knew?¨ Taeyong now asks Jaehyun directly

¨Hello, are you ready to order?¨ an young girl comes to the table, interrupting everyone’s questions

They shut instantly and they all order like nothing was happening before. When the waitress leaves, before anyone can speak, Jaehyun starts

¨Doyoung told me about you and Yuta, is it true?¨

¨What about you and Yuta?¨ Jeno says

¨Jeno please¨ Taeyong says ¨Yes, I’ve been seeing him. He slept at our place yesterday. But it’s not a big deal, were just seeing each other a once or twice a week, that’s all, right Jungwoo?¨ He asks for his roommate support, the latter just nodding ¨See, it’s nothing serious¨

¨But you should have told us!¨ Jeno exclaims

¨Look who’s talking¨ Mark whispers, receiving a hit from Jeno almost automatically

¨Anyways¨ Taeyong tries to change the topic ¨Tell us! Explain the big news!¨

¨Only because it’s a really big deal, but we will get to you later¨ Jaemin says

Jaehyun explains about the whole birthday night, how he helped Doyoung the whole night. Then he jumped to last week, when the older called him. He explained the whole thing about the uniform, the CEOs, even the flamin’ hot lemon thing.

¨And, because they are opening another place, they need more staff¨ Jaehyun says, stopping only when the waitress came to serve the coffees, smoothies and juices ¨So they are moving a lot of their people to the new place, and Doyoung recommended me to the Seoul branch¨

The waitress came again and served the sandwiches and pancakes. Jaehyun took a picture and quickly sent it to Doyoung, locking the phone before his friends could start with the endless questions.

¨That’s so great Jaehyunnie¨ Jungwoo says

¨How much money do they pay you?¨ Mark asks, wanting to know the deal

¨Two and a half thousand dollars¨ he says, a bit ashamed because it is indeed a very big amount of money for a bartender ¨Three million three thousand wons¨

¨Jesus Jaehyun, that’s almost what they are paying me¨ Taeyong says

¨And more than me¨ Jungwoo adds

¨Can you all shut?¨ Jaemin asked, everyone laughing at his mad tone

They finish their breakfast, Taeyong changing the topic whenever they ask him about the whole Yuta things, but Jaehyun doesn’t really mind because he knows he can get all the firsthand info from Doyoung himself. He loves the quick relationship he has formed with him, feeling again like meeting Jaemin all over again, in a more mature way. But he realized how much he could improve his mood having such a great co-worker.

Jaehyun wasn’t sure Doyoung could fit in his friend’s group as much as Jaemin did, but he didn’t really mind, because they almost saw each other every day. Sometimes Doyoung still got called to be a waiter at the restaurant, and that left Jaehyun in charge of the bar, and sometimes another bartender would join him, but he definitely had a million times more fun whenever he worked with Doyoung.

He learnt a lot from the older in such short time: he learnt that he did a couple of years of studying abroad in Japan, and that’s why he knew how to speak Japanese and that’s were he and Yuta met. He also learnt that he loves to bake, he’s really a homebody and that he really likes to sing.

And Jaehyun loves how he sings, even if he had only heard him when Doyoung is cleaning and Jaehyun is changing in the claustrophobic bathroom. Even though he hates being there, he sometimes takes a few more minutes changing just so he can hear Doyoung sings, because he knows the older is going to shut up whenever he opens the door, so he just tries to listen comfortably while he changes.

Let me hear you, if you know what I mean
Keep fishing like I'm on your line
Pull me in

-

In November they have their first fight. And it’s a stupid one, but Jaehyun feels terribly sorry, even if he’s not sure if he’s guilty.

The previous day it was his turn to close the bar because Doyoung had worked on the restaurant, so they didn’t see each other during their shifts, but the next day they were going to share shifts, and Jaehyun was already excitedly opening the door when he saw Doyoung cleaning the floor. He had some headphones on, and it was weird because he never saw him being so isolated in their workspace. He didn’t want to scare him as he could hear the music blasting from them, so he waited a couple of minutes sitting on the stairs. He was mopping the floor while drinking some tea, and once he glanced at Jaehyun, but he acted like he didn’t see him. Jaehyun was very confused about it.

Attitude spicy, while holding an iced tea
I don’t even know if he really likes me
Giving me this look like I scuffed up his Nikes
Giving me this look like I dirtied his white tee

He thought that he was being paranoid, so he approached Doyoung and tapped his shoulder, but the older one didn’t even flinch. Jaehyun tapped harder, but the reaction was the same. He decided to just take the headphones out, with suck bad luck that he twisted them way too hard, and he broke them.

¨Oh my god I’m sorry Doyoung¨ he says, with the headphones in his hand (one half on each hand) ¨I will buy you a new one, I’m really sorry¨

¨Thanks Jaehyun, really fucking thanks¨

¨I’m sorry Doyoung really, but you weren’t answering me, I thought you were mad with me¨

¨Maybe because I am?¨ Doyoung tried to not raise his voice, but Jaehyun could tell he was really mad ¨What did you do last night?¨

¨What do you mean?¨ Jaehyun asked confusedly

¨Jaehyun it was the end of the month, there wasn’t an alcohol inventory so we couldn’t order for more, you were supposed to tell me that the back store electricity wasn’t working, maybe that’s why you left it a mess. I tripped trying to get to my locker¨ Doyoung pointed twisted his arm, showing the younger his elbow. It was really scratched up, and Jaehyun knew it was going to get bruised

¨I’m sorry Doyoung, I didn’t know I had to do some inventory, I didn’t close before, I thought I only had to do the accounting thing¨ Jaehyun says, not knowing better ¨And about the whole back store it is entirely my fault, I should have texted the group chat about the electricity thing but that’s why I came earlier today, because I wanted to fix it. I even brought my friend Jeno, he’s really good at fixing things¨

¨Well I don’t see Jeno¨

¨He’s just looking for some parking-¨ Jaehyun hears the door, saved by the bell ¨Here he is, Jeno Doyoung, Doyoung Jeno¨ he says nervously

¨We met before¨ Doyoung says dryly, turning around to continue mopping

Jeno senses the tension and follows Jaehyun to the back store. Jaehyun explained that happened, whispering in the dark.

¨I fucked up, they are going to fire me¨ Jaehyun says, scared already

¨What happened?¨

¨I didn’t do a bunch of things I didn’t know I had to do; they are literally going to fire me¨ Jaehyun paces around the entrance of the room

¨Stop pacing like that, you look like Mark¨ Jeno says as he is turning on his flashlight ¨Don’t be stupid, but go and say sorry again, leave this to me¨

¨But I don’t know what to tell him¨ Jaehyun whispers

¨Say sorry, because you should be sorry, and invite him to dinner or something, you have plenty of time until your shift starts. Don’t worry about the bar, I will stay here until you guys come¨

Jeno hushes Jaehyun out of the room, and thanks god because Jaehyun wasn’t sure about how to behave around Doyoung. He was learning how to be around him, because Doyoung was a very fun person to be around, but he was very serious at the same time, he used to think that he was mad with him sometimes, but he learnt that it was just his way of being. He saw how he behaved with people that he really didn’t like, and the vibe was completely different, so in that way he felt secure. He went to the main room, seeing how Doyoung was cleaning almost in a compulsive way, because the counter was already clean, and he felt extremely guilty.

¨Doyoung I’m so sorry, really. I didn’t know I had to do those things, if I knew I would have done them I promise you¨ Jaehyun says, once he approached him

¨I know, it’s my fault because I didn’t tell you so¨ he didn’t even look at Jaehyun

¨Doyoung its not, I should have asked, please¨

Now Doyoung looks at Jaehyun, and maybe because the younger was smiling, Doyoung smiles back.

¨Okay don’t be dramatic, we can’t be both dramatics¨ Doyoung says ¨But the next time really ask me anything you don’t know¨

¨I will, I promise¨ Jaehyun nods ¨Can I invite you to dinner?¨

¨Not even a coffee first? These fuckboys these days…¨

¨Hey!¨ Jaehyun pushes Doyoung playfully ¨I meant an apology dinner, we still have a couple of hours until we open and, as far as I know, now everything is done¨

¨Yes, and not because of you¨

¨Yes, I know. That’s why we are going to have a little dinner before our shift, okay?¨

¨Okey, I accept your apology¨

¨Jeno can stay while he fixes the electricity thing, so no need to close it down. Let’s go¨

They say goodbye to Jeno and Jaehyun runs up the stairs like someone who is skipping class, running away from the principal. He feels so excited about this situation because he loves spending time with Doyoung outside from work. They don’t really do that, and that’s precisely why Jaehyun cherishes those moments a lot. They go to a sandwich place Jaehyun really likes, and that he also has to convince Doyoung to go, because the older one doesn’t like cheap-looking places, and Jaehyun just loves them. But, as he imagined it, his coworker (or should he say friend?) opened his eyes like a crazy person the moment he bites into the sandwich.

¨Zee?¨ Jaehyun says, mouthful of bread ¨Itsz amazingngn¨

¨Its really nice¨

¨Ivbeen comingz here sin-¨

¨Jaehyun please swallow, I really can’t understand you¨ Doyoung says shyly

Jaehyun finishes his never-ending bite and drinks some of his soda. He didn’t realize he was being this rude, he was just so excited that Doyoung liked his recommendation. They keep talking about more food recommendations, and Jaehyun writes down every place Doyoung tells him, even his favorite restaurant, that for some reason, it’s in Incheon. He still writes it down anyways.

When they are walking back, Jaehyun lights up a cigarette, but regrets it instantly when Doyoung looks at him with disgust in his face.

¨I’m guessing you don’t want one¨

¨Smoking it’s so bad for you. I don’t even remembered people kept smoking¨

¨What do you mean by people kept smoking?¨

¨I literally don’t know anyone who smokes¨

¨Well, I’m glad I can be your first¨

¨If it was something good I would be glad too, but I really hate smoking¨

¨Okey¨ Jaehyun crosses the road on the small street, now each of one on different sides of the street ¨Better?¨ he yells

¨So much, I can breathe now¨ Doyoung exaggerates

¨Why do you hate it so much?¨

¨Because it doesn’t let you taste anything¨

¨It’s not like that¨

¨It is¨

Doyoung seemed to be tense about it, so Jaehyun didn’t want to keep with the conversation, as he guessed also guessed, the older one didn’t either. He smokes fast, crossing again the street when he finishes, but Doyoung’s mood seemed to have changed too much. Was it that serious? Jaehyun rolled his eyes at his dramatic reaction when they were walking down the stairs, Jeno behind the counter, seeing something in the sink.

¨Hi guys¨ he greeted them ¨I fixed the whole back store thing, the toilet tank in that claustrophobic bathroom, also some tables were kind of crooked, and now the draining in the sink is very slow, how can you guys work like this?¨

¨Thank you?¨ Doyoung says, going to see over the sink with him ¨I tried fixing that drain for months now, but I am literally useless¨

¨Well, what can I say¨ Jeno teases ¨I’m a natural¨

¨Get out of here already¨ Jaehyun cuts him

Jeno finishes fixing that, saying a quick goodbye and leaving right before people start coming. That night was a very relaxed one, which is a normal thing because it was Wednesday. Jaehyun would be worried for society nowadays if the bar was crowded on a mid-weekday. When they finish, Doyoung handles him a hundred and fifty thousand wons, to Jeno, for fixing a bunch of stuff. Jaehyun tells him that Jeno is going to decline it, that he is a model, that he doesn’t need the money.

¨Everyone needs the money¨ Doyoung says dryly ¨If he doesn’t want it, you can keep it¨

Jaehyun knows something is up with him, but he feels so insecure about himself that he can’t bring himself up to ask. He just goes into the bathroom and changes, but because Doyoung is not humming or either singing, he goes out really fast.

¨You can go, I am going to close tonight¨

¨No but I can stay¨

¨I know Jaehyun, but I want to close. Good night¨

Jaehyun just nods and goes, feeling dizzy. He can’t run up the stairs even if he needs fresh air like his life depends on it, and maybe it does, because when he gets to the street, he inhales so much he almost chokes. He can’t go home right now he would become insane, he just can’t. And he really doesn’t want home without talking to Doyoung first, so he sits in the entrance stairs of the now closed restaurant. He can’t really come inside, because he needs to think, and he also understands that Doyoung wants to be alone in the moment. He thinks about having a smoke, but he shakes the feeling, imagining that if Doyoung comes out the bar now, he is just going to run away.

Stay begging, got me on my knees

He hates that he might hurt him, because the older has been just too helpful. He can’t think of anything else; he just wants Doyoung to not be mad with him. Well, he would rather talk about things with him, but he feels scared. It’s now obvious to him that he has a real abandonment issue, and it’s obvious where does it comes from, but it’s mainly his fault because of his poor way of processing his feelings. He feels lost, sitting on the stairs, thinking about everything. He didn’t even realize how much time had passed, seeing now a notification on his phone from DAY6’s Weverse, and he sees that almost two hours have passed. He started getting worried, but Doyoung got out of the bar quickly, shakingly closing the metal gate.

¨Doyoung!¨ Jaehyun raises his voice, approaching him quickly

¨Jesus fucking Christ Jaehyun¨ he says, jumping back and dropping the keys ¨Oh my god, you scared me¨

Jaehyun gets the keys quickly and closes the door for him. He gives the keys, feeling how cold his hands were. And he doesn’t let his hands free, trying to heat them up a bit.

¨Thank you¨ Doyoung whispers ¨I’m sorry for tonight, I didn’t want to ruin it¨

¨It’s okay Doyoung, I’m sorry¨

¨It’s not your fault, it’s just-¨

Jaehyun sees the older is trying to speak, but he cant as he starts softly crying. Jaehyun pushes Doyoung close to him, hugging him. He hugs him hard, so hard he muffles Doyoung’s sounds into his chest.

¨Its okey Doyoung, I’m here¨

¨I know Jaehyun, thank you¨

¨Do you want me to take you home?¨

He feels Doyoung nodding, and when he takes a step back, he smiles at him. Jaehyun heart breaks for a moment, because he can’t stand seeing the older eyes so red and swollen as he just loves Doyoung’s eyes. They go over the parking lot that Doyoung usually parks, getting to his car.

¨Can you drive?¨ Doyoung asks

¨Yes, not good but I can¨

Doyoung tosses his car keys and Jaehyun feels nervous all over his body. He only got in his car a couple of times, but he knows it’s an amazing one. He opens the map and clicks on the preset home directions, seeing it’s a half an hour drive.

¨Do you want me to play some music?¨ Jaehyun asks

Doyoung nods, but Jaehyun knows he is just going to fall asleep before they get to the highway. He puts some AKMU, in a very low volume, but tries to fill the silence. The half an hour drive turns into almost an hour, and Jaehyun stops on a red stop for the 10^th time in five minutes.

¨It should be illegal to drive a Mercedes this slow¨ Doyoung whispers, getting Jaehyun to chuckle softly ¨Really, I would flame you so bad if I was behind you¨

¨Glad that you are next to me then¨ he says, and he means it

He feels his cheeks blushing but doesn’t understand why. Him and his friends usually flirt like they horny teenagers, sometimes even worse, but his brains just collapses when he tries to be funny with Doyoung, or even worse, when the older flirts with him. He looks at him in the passenger seat, almost turned around to see through the window, rolling himself up. He sees he must be cold, because he was shivering a bit, and Jaehyun wishes that he could understand how his car worked so he could turn the heater, but he’s to afraid to press any button.

They get to a suburban area but with high buildings, almost as high as the city center one. Jaehyun looks around while Doyoung gives him some last instructions, getting inside the parking of one building. He parks between to columns, and he can feel how Doyoung is just breathing exasperated as he makes his eighth heel move, but he parks the car. They both got down, and Jaehyun just follows Doyoung, into the hall, into the elevator and into a hall again. He sees Doyoung getting in front of a door and turning around.

¨Are you going to open or?¨

¨Oh yes, true, sorry¨ Jaehyun gets the keys that the older tossed before, seeing that it only had a couple of more keys. He opens the door and the whole apartment lights up automatically.

Jaehyun wants to move in with him. It is the prettiest apartment he has ever seen. On the left, there is a living room next to an open kitchen, the wall that joins them fully glazed, floor to roof. At the front, there is an office space, with some lounge furniture. To his right, he sees some small hall with a lot of paintings and closed doors, and he guesses he has rooms over there. He doesn’t know what to do, especially when Doyoung goes to his room. He stays in the entrance, placing the keys on the welcoming table. He paces around the small room and sees that Doyoung hasn’t closed his door, and he is changing himself into new clothes. Jaehyun just looks briefly when he’s changing his shirt, seeing how Doyoung is really thin, but as he is going to change his pants he turns around, moving to the living room. He hears Doyoung coming out, and he moves freely around his kitchen.

Before he starts cooking anything, Jaehyun gets to see how Doyoung lives. He realizes that even if his coworker usually smells so fresh, with even orange hints,  his house, despite the modern look, smells deeply like a forest, with hints of flowers, but also a metallic fade. He likes it, but the sound of Doyoung taking pans out snaps Jaehyun out of his reflections.

¨Do you want something for breakfast? I’m making scrambled eggs with sausages¨

¨Perfect, thank you¨

Jaehyun feels so awkward because Doyoung is in his pajamas, he looks like he has been crying for hours but he is just making breakfast. He really wants to smoke, but thank god the older finishes the breakfast quickly, setting two plates with the scrambled eggs in the coffee over the couch. When Jaehyun sits, he wishes he could fall asleep here. It was even more comfortable than his own bed.

¨Thank you for driving me here¨ Doyoung says, starting to eat

¨Are you okay? I’m not going to lie; I feel a bit uncomfortable right now¨

¨Do you want some clean clothes? You smell like gin¨

¨No, not that uncomfortable¨ Jaehyun tries to explain¨It’s okay, I’m just going to have some breakfast and go. Are you okay? You haven’t answered me¨

¨I am now¨ he keeps eating, and when Jaehyun thinks, he is not going to keep talking, he does ¨Sorry for ruining the afternoon, I really had fun at the sandwich place, I just-¨

¨You really hate smoking, right?¨

¨I’m very sensitive to smells¨ Doyoung says, and Jaehyun can see it as he has almost five air fresheners only in the living room

¨I can see, it’s almost like you-¨

¨I really hate smoking because of my father¨

Jaehyun kind of wants that Doyoung didn’t keep on with the explanation, he really doesn’t know what to say after that. But at the same time, he really wants that his coworker (maybe its really time that he calls him friend) opens up to him, so he nods and looks at him, encouraging him to keep going. After a minute, the older keeps talking.

¨He didn’t treat me well, I don’t want to get into details now but I just can’t stand that smell. He used to smoke a lot inside the house. I ran after the years I spent studying abroad, I just couldn’t go back to my household after realizing everything that he did to me¨

¨You have been living on your own since then?¨ he asks, and Doyoung nods

¨I had a part time job in Japan, so I earned some money and moved into a shared flat when I came back. I never told my father I was back; it has been almost 10 years since I saw him but I just-¨ he chokes on his own words ¨I can’t stand the smell, I really can’t¨

He sees how he started crying softly again, and he goes next to him hugging him. It really breaks him seeing Doyoung like that, and he doesn’t know what else to do, but he cries too. The older must have noticed him, because he gets away for a bit and looks at him with confusion.

¨Why are you crying? Are you okay?¨

¨Sorry I just, I don’t like seeing you crying, I’m sorry¨

Doyoung smiles softly and hugs him back. He mumbles a softly thank you and they stay like that for a couple of minutes.

¨I’m going to sleep, I’m really exhausted¨ Doyoung says ¨I have a guest room, please stay, it’s the least I can do for you. It’s so late already-¨

¨Early you mean¨ Jaehyun jokes

¨Yes, sorry¨ Doyoung keeps on with his joke ¨Its so early, you should rest first. I can drive you back later, I promise I do not live that far, you just drive crazily slow¨

They laugh together at that. Doyoung shows him the guest room and Jaehyun thinks it’s almost as big as his studio. He also lends him some clothes, and Jaehyun thanks him. The older made a joke about how the shirt would now fit him, not like the uniform one. They both laugh and bond over that memory before they both go to sleep.

But Jaehyun can’t sleep. Not when he’s literally an hour away from his house, sleeping in a house that he has never been to, in clothes he has never worn. He takes his phone out and is about to text Jeno, but he sees Doyoung is calling him. On his phone.

¨Doyoung? Do you need something?¨

¨I just wanted to see if you were awake¨

¨I’m literally next door¨

¨I didn’t want to leave my bed¨

¨I see¨

¨Thank you for today Jaehyun, you mean a lot to me¨ He hears Doyoung is breathing sleepily ¨I can’t tell you in person and please don’t ask me tomorrow, but I just wanted to let you know¨

¨You also mean a lot to me, Doyoung, thank you for everything. See you tomorrow¨

¨Good night¨ the older says

¨Good morning¨ Jaehyun says, because he can see through his window that the sun is almost completely up

He hangs up and listens to how Doyoung laughed softly, and that got Jaehyun smiling. He really loved when he laughed at whatever silly thing he said, even if it wasn’t intentionally funny. He felt more at ease after the silly phone call, so he closed his eyes.

-

¨You slept at his house?¨ Jeno asks him a couple of days later, in between their gym session

¨We are friends¨

¨You haven’t introduced him to us properly, like you did with Jaemin¨

¨True¨ Jaehyun says, dropping a weight on the floor while sighing ¨But I will, I want to make something so we can get together¨

¨Yes please, we are really so excited to meet him¨

¨Who’s we?¨

¨Mark, Jaemin and me¨

¨Are you guys gossiping about me?¨ Jaehyun asks, opening his eyes when Jeno nods ¨Without me?¨

¨You don’t leave us any other choice; you haven’t been to the apartment for a couple of weeks now¨

¨Lets grab dinner tonight then, you grumpy¨

¨Can it be just you and me? I really need to talk to you about something¨

¨Yeah, come to my place whenever you want, but go shower first please¨ Jaehyun teases, getting a hit from Jeno

They finish their training and when Jaehyun gets home, he prepares himself a protein shake. He didn’t believe in this shit, but he has seen Jeno getting leaner and leaner so he started to get it too. It hasn’t been a week, but he has been noticing the results. He takes a picture and sends it to Doyoung.

jaehyun

protein shake check

bossy kim doyoung

a what? a protein shake?

everytime you send me a photo I am literally scared of opening it and everytime i open it i convince myself you are insane

what is that?

jaehyun

a protein shake you dumbass

im getting FIT

bossy kim doyoung

oh nice then ;)

enjoy

Jaehyun chuckles, blushing and smiling like he had never been flirted with. He locks his phone, chugging down the shake. After a couple of hours he hears a couple of knocks on his door.

¨Hello you rat¨ Jaehyun greets Jeno

The younger says something stupid in return, entering the house. They catch up meanwhile Jeno plays dumb notes on the piano and Jaehyun smokes. After the first one he puts down the pack, not wanting to smoke by habit but just if he wants it, and right now he doesn’t need to.

¨I’m going to ask Jaemin out¨ Jeno says

Jaehyun lights up another cigarette. He bites his lips between the drags, wanting the younger to keep on explaining, but he knows he is going to make the questions.

¨Can you elaborate?¨

¨I told you I started to like him a at the beginning of the year, and I told you that if I kept on living with him, I was going to fall in love¨

¨So you did¨

¨Yeah, I’m now sure of it¨ They stay silent for a minute, but Jeno picks up the conversation again ¨At first, I was very confused because I couldn’t draw a line between friendship and an actual crush you know¨

¨What do you mean?¨

Jaehyun really couldn’t understand it, because for him, the difference was clear. When he was with Seulgi, he definitely felt completely different than with his friends, the love he had for them was different.

¨I mean, I think it’s a bit different when we are both guys than a girl and a guy, but I’m not sure¨ Jeno starts explaining ¨For me it’s different because we didn’t meet in a flirty way, or like trying to get to know each other in a way, we were just friends. And I couldn’t realize that I was making things for him that I wasn’t making for you, for example¨

¨Like what?¨ Jaehyun asked curiously

¨For example, every time I can bring someone to a show, I only think of him¨ Jeno says, standing up ¨Or like, I know it’s silly but, you know I don’t like spending much money, but I don’t really mind spending it on him¨

¨I see¨

¨I just started to realize that I’m really into him, and my feelings and actions are really not friendly like, you know? Like I want to text him all the time, even though we live together, and I know for sure I am going to see him when I get home¨ Jeno keeps on explaining, and Jaehyun is starting to understand some things ¨sometimes I even feel like I’m only myself when I’m with him, and that nothing else matters around¨

¨Wow Jeno¨ Jaehyun admits, feeling how his brain was a bit fried trying to get everything together ¨I get it but like, you could also feel all of that and you could still be friends…¨

¨What the fuck do you mean Jaehyun?¨ Jeno looks at him almost hurt¨ Well, besides that, I think he is really hot¨

¨I think Jaemin is really hot too¨

¨And I really want to fuck him¨

¨Ooookay, hold up¨ Jaehyun says, sitting straight on his chair ¨You got me there¨

¨Jaehyun tell me, you felt all of that with Seulgi right?¨

¨Yes of course, I loved her¨

¨I know, and tell me, what is the difference between that and what you feel with… Doyoung, for example¨

Jaehyun chokes. He doesn’t need to dig deeper into that. But he still nods and thanks mentally to his friends, because he really explains things in a way that Jaehyun could understand them fully. He starts thinking about it.

¨Jaehyun you don’t need to actually think it, it’s obvious¨ Jeno stats ¨Don’t you see the difference?¨

¨I really don’t¨

¨Come one Jaehyun¨ Jeno tells him, losing his patience ¨Do you also like Doyoung?¨

¨I don’t know?¨ Jaehyun suddenly says, and they both look at each other in silence

The pasts weeks since he started working on the new bar, he hasn’t actually stopped to think about his life. He had a hard time adapting to his new routine, but he was enjoying it to the fullest. Jaehyun has been on autopilot, just working  and getting things done, saving some money and going to the gym with Jeno. He met his friends a couple of times, and he really didn’t think about anything that surrounded him.

Anything but Doyoung, because he has been spending way too much time with him, but just because he was his coworker.

¨Jaehyun are you serious? Or are you just trying to prove a point?¨

¨Forget it, I think I just have FOMO¨ Jaehyun tries to shut up his brain ¨I don’t want to lose my best friend to my other best friend¨

¨Not everyone can be your best friend¨

¨Don’t care plus didn’t ask. Now tell me, why now are you going to ask him out?¨

¨Because now I am a hundred percent sure of what I am feeling, and I want him to be my boyfriend¨

¨Oh my god Jeno!¨ Jaehyun goes and hugs him tightly, getting a cough out of his younger friend ¨I’m so happy for you, I really think he likes you back, I think he has been liking you for longer¨

¨And why hasn’t he confessed before?¨ his friend asks him with a bit of worry in his voice

¨Because you are cold and scary¨

¨But not with him¨ Jeno pouted, and Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh at him

¨Oh my god you are already whipped, this is hilarious¨

Jeno tries to defend himself but fails. Jaehyun cooks some dinner, and they talk about Jenos feelings, but Jaehyun has a thought on the back of his mind. It’s a very dangerous thought, but he cannot shake it away. It’s already there.

After Jeno goes, he feels like he is choking on his own thoughts. He can’t understand how he feels about Doyoung. He smokes a couple of cigarettes more, just pacing around his studio. After half an hour he feels hungry again, so he eats the leftovers. He gets his phone out and opens the photos he has been taking during the past weeks: Doyoung waving him off on his car, some funny drawing in the subway door, a selfie with Doyoung at the back store after a very tiring shift, a round of shots he made that he was proud off (and that he was going to send to Doyoung because that night they didn’t work together),… He smiles whenever Doyoung appears on his screen. He goes to his bed, going through their messages, and he sees that he is online. It is three in the morning, and for some reason he was now texting Jaehyun.

bossy kim doyoung

what are you doing awake?

jaehyun

just had dinner with jeno

he told me he is asking jaemin out

bossy kim doyoung

oh that’s so cute!

i love friends to lovers dynamic

jaehyun

im having a hard time understanding it

bossy kim doyoung

what don’t you understand?

But Jaehyun can’t ask him, he can’t ask well I don’t know if I want you to be my friend or my lover. So he tries to distract himself and write the first things that go through his mind at the moment.

I've been crushing for two weeks
But I just keep it to myself

But he quickly deletes it. He can’t like Doyoung. He just can’t have his heart broken again.

Chapter Text

Jeno had a hard time understanding people’s feelings. He didn’t understand yet a lot of the things he was supposed to understand at his age, and the main one was love. Jeno had never liked anyone, and far less felt love. He didn’t know what it was until he met his friends.

When he was just a child, now he thinks that his fate was already sealed, because his parents never knew him. Not like they never met, and sometimes Jeno would ask himself such questions, but like they never saw him. They weren’t even fighting all the time so they couldn’t watch Jeno, or they had such hard jobs, they just didn’t seem to like him, and that fell over Jeno many years later. When he was eight years old, he was much self-aware of his surroundings than most kids, once too many times asking weird questions to his teachers that led to phone calls with his parents, but most of the times they didn’t even pick it up.

At eleven years old, he was about to give up looking for his parents’ attention, but that summer he fell with his bike and scratched his knee pretty badly. When he got home, on his way to the bathroom to put a band aid on it, his mom saw him, and went with him to the bathroom with her so she could help him with the scratch. At first Jeno was just impassive, he didn’t give it a second thought. But as he was sitting on the toilet and her mom kneeling in front of him, he felt scared. He glanced at her when she wasn’t looking, and he didn’t know who she was. Well, he knew it was his mother, his mom, but who was her, as a woman? Did she have any friends? Any hobbies? Favorite food?

He then thought he had to fight to get that information. He started studying harder, and took every class and after class activity he could pick: English, soccer, judo, math… he needed to prove to their parents that he was there, and that he wanted to know them too. But that never happened. Still, he got to continue those activities, because as he grew, he realized it was better to be outside his house than in it.

When he was sixteen, he started going to the gym with a couple of friends in his class. After the first day, he sorts of became addicted to the feeling of exhaustion. The feeling of exhausting himself so much that when he got home, he just went to bed directly, not facing them any longer. When he graduated, he applied directly to university and decided to go to Seoul. It was really close to Incheon, but Jeno felt like it was another country.

He knew his parents wouldn’t mind if he went across the Atlantic, just giving him his allowance, so at least he had that. He got accepted into business school, and he didn’t even like it that much, but he just wanted to get out of there. As he moved before the classes could start, he didn’t get to pick a college dorm but a shared flat with another two students.

The older of them was Taeyong, and honestly Jeno admired everything about him. He was such a humble person, even if Jeno didn’t think he should be. He was the first person that ever cared about Jeno, in such ways he couldn’t even comprehend and that sometimes it was so overwhelming he found himself crying at night. But he never brought it up to Taeyong, because even if the amount of care that the older put into him was too much sometimes, he knew he needed it.

Then there was Mark. He was a Canadian abroad student, and he was supposed to go back after the first year, but he decided he was going to finish his degree here, and that’s how Jeno met him. Taeyong was already finishing his degree, and Mark was in his second, but Jeno felt so small surrounded by them. Maybe because they were already friends (at least for a year) or because they had a couple of common friends, Jeno felt useless next to them at first. He felt the need to just do everything around, to prove himself to the people he lived with once again.

They didn’t know Jeno was like this, only later in their friendship he would just open slightly about his mother and father, but at the same time, Jeno feels like they know. They know when his face lights up when someone praises him, because he thinks it’s not normal that Taeyong just keeps on telling him how good is he doing with his degree, or how good they played soccer last afternoon. Mark does the same, in a more teasing way, telling Jeno he just can’t be that good at everything. Obviously Jeno doesn’t believe it fully, but still, he can feel his lips curving slightly, turning around.

But still, he was so close to calling it quits just because he couldn’t process it, but one day, one of Taeyong and Mark’s friends, Jaehyun and Jungwoo, were in the apartment, and the Jaehyun came up to him when he was in the kitchen, washing dishes.

¨You want to come to the living room? We are going to play UNO¨ He heard him say

¨It’s okay, I need to finish these dishes¨

¨You don’t need to do them now Jeno, don’t worry, I can take care of them later, come join us¨

And because he didn’t want to disappoint Jaehyun either, he joined them. And since that afternoon, he felt like something changed in him. He doesn’t know if it was because Jaehyun kind of snapped him out of his trance, but Jeno feels that he owes his twenties to him. He sometimes found himself between some explanation about some silly thing that Jaehyun was giving him, acting as if he really knew what he was saying, and he looked around and saw Taeyong making coffee for everyone, shutting down Jeno’s proposal of helping him. And he looked around again and saw Mark just obnoxiously crying out loud because of how loud he was crying at Jaehyun’s nonsense, and Jungwoo just covering Jeno’s ears, trying to not let him be influenced by anyone.

He learnt to be around them. He learnt to be himself, learnt slowly to not just please everyone. He learnt that he, in fact, didn’t have anything to prove, because he was just trying to be, as everyone else.

He will never admit that, but he definitely saw a father in Taeyong, a mother in Jungwoo, and two older brothers in Jaehyun and Mark. So, if someone would ask Jeno where he learnt love from, he would say his family, because deep down only he knows what that means for him.

And thanks to them, he got to be the person he was nowadays.

He felt capable of making a decision and pursuing his of being a model, something Jeno didn’t even though he liked it that much until one woman stopped him on the street and gave him his agency number. If his friends didn’t go along with him to the interviews, Jeno probably wouldn’t have gone, but they were there for him, and he feels forever grateful.

They encouraged him to meet people, but Jeno never liked anyone in his life. He still didn’t, instead he got with a bunch of one-night-stands, trying again to prove something to himself, something that didn’t exist.

But the hardest thing was dropping out of college. It was his third year, and he wasn’t doing that bad, but he knew he didn’t want his future to look at all like it. He thought about dropping it since the second semester, but he felt a weight in his shoulders that he couldn’t manage to get down. But his friends helped him, talked him through it. Taeyong was the most stubborn about it, praising Jeno constantly about him being just so smart and so capable of doing his model gigs and the college, but Jeno knew it was Taeyong’s inner teacher that didn’t want to let a student fail on his dreams. Eventually, he dropped out of college and got into modeling full time, and he has never been happier about that.

Still, all his toxic-self appeared again when Jaemin came into his life. It was not because of Jaemin, nor because of Jeno. But Jeno was changing so fast in so little time that he didn’t know at first how to act around him. Jaemin was intimidating for him, even if he was younger than Jeno, he had some effect on him that left Jeno questioning his whole self.

It all happened so quickly.

The day they went to do an urgent intervention on Jaehyun because he was just devastated with the whole Seulgi situation, they went into the cafeteria he worked at. He entered it along Jungwoo, and he saw the most beautiful boy he had ever seen in his life. That boy was just drying some cups with a rag, with a black fitted t-shirt on him behind the dark jean apron. He had to swallow twice before the words came into his throat, but still they weren’t loud enough for that boy to listen to them.

¨Sorry? I didn’t get that¨ and as he got closer to the counter, Jeno had to step back

¨Have you seen Jaehyun?¨ Jungwoo asked, instead of him. He simply couldn’t talk

¨No sorry, I don’t know him. Does he work here?¨

¨Yes, he has been for a while now, has he been coming to work?¨ Jungwoo asks worriedly, and the boy must know that something is up, because he can feel how he empathizes with them

¨I don’t really know, I only been working here for a couple of weeks, but let me check with the manager, hold there please¨ the boy motioned them to stop, and rushed to the back store only for him to come back panting a couple of minutes later ¨Are you looking for Jung Jaehyun?¨ He asks again

¨Yes, that one¨ Jungwoo says, desperately to find an answer

¨Sorry for the confusion at first, doesn’t he go by the name of Yuno?¨

¨He thinks he’s too alternative but he’s just a piece of shit¨ Jungwoo says, trying to lighten up the mood

But Jeno can’t light up, it doesn’t matter what anyone says, because for a second Jeno thought Jaehyun was gone. He thought he left, and Jeno didn’t know what he would do without him. He would definitely go after him and look for him until he couldn’t walk anymore, he would just find him. But luckily, he didn’t need to do that.

At the same time, Jeno can’t comprehend the boy he has in front of him. He looks kind but something inside him is telling him that he shouldn’t trust him, that he is going to get hurt so badly. Even if they are the same height, Jeno just can’t look at him, unable to bring his fingers out of his dangling keychain he can’t stop fidgeting with.

¨Well, Yuno is not actually here today because he’s free today, so sorry I can’t be any help¨

¨It’s okey…¨ Jungwoo leans over the counter a bit, and Jeno admires him for getting that close to the worker ¨Jaemin. Thank you, really¨

¨It’s nothing! I hope you can find your friend!¨ He waves them off ¨Have a nice day!¨

Jeno can’t barely hear those last words as he sees Taeyong at the gate of the apartment complex, motioning them to hurry up

¨Mark is inside his house, he opened the door for him¨

And that is everything that Jeno needs to start running up the stairs. He thanked himself for not going to the gym yesterday, as he wasn’t as sore as he used to, so he ran incredibly fast, but he can’t face himself to knock the door. He can’t move, standing stiffly in the hall. Only when the rest of his friends get to the hall too, Taeyong is the one that knocks on the door, and when Marks opens and he sees both Mark and Jaehyun inside his apartment, Jeno almost cries, relieved.

He runs to hug Jaehyun, and at some point, they sit in the bed, but Jeno can’t let go of him just yet. He needs to completely feel next to Jaehyun, he needs to feel that he is there, and somehow, he is okey.

¨So¨ Jungwoo said after sitting down ¨I’m sorry we came here so suddenly, but you didn’t give us any chance. Every time we went to the cafeteria you run inside the kitchen, as if you know how to make waffles you asshole¨

Jeno feels how Jaehyun laughs for a bit, and those chuckles turn into a messy crying in no time. Jeno just holds him closer, not knowing what is going to happen from now on. He doesn’t want to see his friend. In fact, he feels very scared of how his friend is doing, he didn’t know someone could have feelings that strong. Of course he has seen people crying, but it was always out of a discussion, a movie, or even because they were laughing too much.

But seeing someone as big as Jaehyun crumbled down onto a crying mess over some unspoken feelings, it had made Jeno scared. Scared of the abilities he lacked, the feelings he hadn’t been feeling since ever. He was learning just now how to show them, but he feared turning into Jaehyun because of the years and years he had been bottling them up.

-

Even if Jeno was opposed at first, Jaemin became a part of his friend’s group.

He was only opposed the first month, but he made his head around it only because he knew how much support, he was to Jaehyun, and he just wanted the best for his best friend, so he started to actually be around Jaemin.

The first weeks he knows Jaemin is hanging with them, but Jeno doesn’t interact with him in the slightest. He is not rude either, but he always has a good excuse. And it’s not because Jaemin is a bad person, or that he doesn’t show interest in Jeno, because he does, a lot, and that’s the fact that scares Jeno the most.

He learnt how to be praised by his friends, only after years of meeting them, but with Jaemin everything was different. No one ever showed him so much attention and care with so little knowledge of him, but just as no one, outside his friends, had even shown interest in getting to know him enough to care. It was a vicious circle that Jeno felt himself trapped in for such a long time. It was such a long time until he met Jaemin.

And he didn’t know what was so terrifying about it, because Jaemin was just a friend to him. But he wasn’t. Maybe, and only maybe, he was so scared about it. He had never liked someone he liked Jaemin, and Jeno just doesn’t know what to do.

None of his friends had some kind of relationship going on, only Jaehyun a couple months ago, and now he was miserable. He was unrecognizable. And that had Jeno on a chokehold because Jaehyun everything Jen wanted to be: he didn’t have as much money as him, even if he was younger (because his modeling career was taking off), but he had solid friendships, he had hobbies, not obligations (like Jeno, who was good at a bunch of things just because he needed to prove himself). He was his own human being, with his ups and downs. But Jeno didn’t know how to handle his own goods, and he was far less to learn how to handle his downs, but because he really wasn’t in touch at all with his feelings.

-

Because he forced himself of being, in fact, more in synch with his feelings, now Jaemin was living with him. Well, with him and Mark, but Mark was barely there, between his trips and shows.

Jeno was supposed also to be away a lot, but for some reason he was scared to leave Jaemin alone, because it was his first time living alone, and he just didn’t want to cause him a lot of stress, managing the apartment. So, he stayed most of the weekends there, and if he had an event in a different city, he never slept outside, taking the last train back to Seoul. And when he came back to his house, it didn’t matter what hour it was, Jaemin was waiting for him.

That made Jeno anxious and happy at the same time, and just because of the same question all over again.

¨Why do you care about me so much?¨

He finally asked Jaemin one summer night he didn’t get super late to their house, so they ordered in (even if Jaemin was highly against it, he didn’t want to spend Jeno’s money) and had a couple of beers. Jeno had repeated that question on his head for three months almost, and today he felt more restless than usual, because he knew that the next week, he would fly off Japan for a photoshoot with Vogue. He wanted to know where Jaemin’s head was before they spent apart such many days.

¨What?¨ Jaemin said confused

¨Why do you care about me so much?¨ he repeated, this time a bit slower, as if he was questioning himself rather than his flat mate

¨What a stupid question Jeno¨

¨But I don’t know the answer¨ he said truthfully, and for some reason, he thought he might cry as he just felt stupid

¨Sorry, I didn’t mean to be that harsh¨ Jaemin said, moving his chair closer to Jeno’s, both sitting in the balcony on their apartment with their legs on the railing ¨If I’m being honest, I don’t really know¨ Jaemin started saying, placing his head on Jeno’s shoulder ¨I guess I’m just reciprocating what I feel you do for me, and it feels right¨

¨It feels right for me too¨ Jeno says, because it’s the truth ¨But it still confuses me¨

¨It is a bit confusing for me too, but I’m glad I’m experimenting this with you¨

¨Really?¨ Jeno has to ask, but he is unsure if he his doubts come from the with you or from the experimenting thing, he really

¨Really, I promise¨

And Jeno is eternally grateful that  Jaemin is resting his head on his shoulder and not in his chest, because his heart was jumping outside his body, spiking his heartbeats so much he feels dizzy.

-

And just like that, Jeno tries to rationalize what he feels towards his friend. He tries to, in order to understand it, because if not, he will drown. And he knows what drowning because of love looks like, so he avoids it.

But it’s too damn hard because sometimes Jeno finds Jaemin sleeping in the couch when he gets home so late, and he softly wakes him up to get him to his room so he can sleep comfortably. And sometimes Jaemin asks him to stay, to sleep with him, but Jeno always declines, because he knows there will be no way he could sleep that night, and he would just eventually wake up Jaemin and it would be too awkward.

Its to damn hard because Jeno started inviting him to his events outside Seoul, but just because he wanted Jaemin to see Korea, and sometimes close overseas cities. And he thinks he might say no, because he also works and unlike him, he is studying a degree, so he cant just drop his life and go with Jeno to Osaka for two weekdays. But he does. He manages to get everything done before, skipping classes and taking extra hours on the cafeteria the days after, and he catches up while they have an amazing trip.

Jeno just finds it extremely hard to not drown on his love for Jaemin, but at one point, he thinks that Jaemin might like him back. He is not sure if its because he was way too insistent on inviting him to every silly little thing he did (he was paying two gym memberships, one at the gym he went with Jaehyun and the other at the gym he went with Jaemin. For some reason he didn’t want to share the gym experience between them, it was his own time with his best friends and he wanted it to be separated).

And as he thinks Jaemin might have some feelings for him, he tries to open himself up to his friends on the camping trip they did for Jaehyun’s birthday. He thought about sharing it on the car, but no one wanted to ride with him except Jaemin (Jeno thinks its only because he can choose the music, but still he deludes himself into thinking he might like his company as much as taking control of the aux). Because they get there first, obviously, they choose a common cabin, and Jeno just knows that its going to be imposible to tell his friends about his whole thing because they are just going to be glued.

But that afternoon he got into the kitchen cabin with his friends (except for Jungwoo and Jaemin, who went for a walk), and while he played some Fall Guys with Jaehyun, he tries to tell them about it with so much calm they probably think it’s a lie.

¨I do really like him ¨ he says

¨I like him too, don’t be like that¨ Jaehyun pushes him ¨I’m the one that introduced him, remember?¨

¨No but I like him like him, like I feel I’m going to fall in love real soon if I keep on living with him¨

And as he said it, he felt his world stops. But he knows anxiety is going to eat him up, so he tries to change the topic, even if its stupid because he is the one that brought it up

¨Want to play smash or something now? I’m tired of losing¨ he says, sipping at his beer

¨Are you fucking kidding me?¨ Mark tells him, getting in front of the TV with Taeyong by his side ¨What did you just say?¨

¨I don’t want to play Fall Guys anymore though, Jae always wins, he doesn’t even want to team up with me¨

He was just backing up, suddenly regretting the whole thing. But he had to be honest. At least with his friends.

¨Not that, are you stupid? The Jaemin thing¨ Taeyong tells him in a loud voice and gesturing

¨Oh true… I really like Jaemin¨ he gulps, nodding slowly

¨Are you for real?¨ Jaehyun asks, turning off the volume of the TV ¨Since when are you like… gay or bi or whatever? Since when do you like someone at all?¨

¨Did you ever like someone Jeno?¨ Mark asks him, but he feels like suffocating because the approach everyone is having¨Because as far as I know I am so used to the sock on the door that I cannot even keep count¨

¨Guys chill, you are all making me real bad¨ he says, siting up tightly in the sofa ¨I never liked anyone because I never gave it an actual chance, and don’t be dramatic, it’s been almost a year since I had a random hookup¨

¨True, I’m sorry¨ Mark says, side hugging him

¨But yeah, about that¨ hr turns to Jaehyun ¨I don’t think I am either gay or bi, I really had a hard time understanding my feelings toward him, and that’s why I never said anything to you guys¨

¨I’m sorry that you couldn’t trust us¨ Taeyong says seriously

¨Its okey, I also wanted to figure it out by myself, and I realized I really really like him, but I don’t know what to do¨ he said, finishing his beer, trying to get loose on this whole situation ¨I don’t want to tell him anything, so even if you ambush me like you are doing right now, I am not going to tell him shit¨

¨Why?¨ Taeyong asks, sitting next to him ¨Jeno you must tell him!¨

¨I’m sorry for what I am about to say, but after seeing Jaehyun this past year, I do not want to have my heart broken¨ Jeno says, being as rational as he could

¨That’s why you have stopped hooking up?¨ Mark asks and he nods ¨Dude… that’s not the solution at all¨

And Jaehyun suddenly gets up and goes to the door, Jeno feeling an immense wave of guilt, so he has to run back to him, trying to keep the conversation ongoing.

¨I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair¨ Jeno says, choking on his words¨But Jae, I don’t want to go through that, I’m sorry if it’s selfish, but I rather bottle up whatever I ever feel for someone than to be like that¨

¨Of course its fucking selfish Jeno!¨ Jaehyun raises his voice so much he has to take a step back, hitting his back with the door ¨The fuck you mean by you don’t want to go through that? What the fuck do you know about it Jeno? I didn’t talk to you, I didn’t even see you for god’s sake, I couldn’t bring myself to it!¨

¨Are you mad because I like someone?¨ Jeno asks, because he genuinely doesn’t know ¨Because I literally can’t control that, and trust me I wouldn’t like him if I could¨

¨I could not care less about what the fuck you do with your attachment issues Jeno! I really could not! I just feel fucking awful because my best friend thinks I’m miserable and that he doesn’t look up to me anymore! Well, I’m sorry if I’m not a very good example of handling my emotions, but at least I have¨

Jaehyun pushes Jeno to the side so he can open the door, and he stumbles down, falling on the floor. But he is not hurt, he didn’t push him hard, but he lost his equilibrium far ago. All he could feel was guilt. As he raises his eyes, he sees Taeyong coming to him, helping him stand up.

¨Jeno I know you don’t feel good right now, and we can talk about it later¨ Taeyong says to him, almost whispering, and they are embraced on a tight hug ¨But you need to go talk to him right now, because it’s going to be too late. I know it’s unfair, but you can’t be selfish with Jaehyun when he is like that¨

Jeno only nods, because it’s true. It’s not like he is selfish, but his own slight feelings of guilt can be so overwhelming for him that he could be shutting down at any point now.

¨Please, talk to him Jeno. He is only going to listen to you¨

Jeno nods again, wiping off his tears and sniffling. He doesn’t recall starting crying, but he is. He goes along Taeyong to Jaehyun and Jungwoo’s cabin. The older is holding his hand, as if he was his parent, forcing him to say sorry to some random kid. But Jaehyun is no random kid, Jaehyun is his life.

¨I’m sorry¨ he says as soon as he enters the cabin ¨That was rude and out of context¨

Jaehyun looks at him, nodding as he sits with him in the bed. Taeyong was still at the door, gesturing Mark to get out of the cabin. He would thank him for that later, they needed this moment.

¨I’m really sorry Jaehyun, I am. It’s no excuse, but I was really worried in those months about you, I didn’t want to  approach you in case you would run away for real, forever¨ Jeno can only be sincere with him, something that maybe he hadn’t been in a while because he just couldn’t communicate with his feelings, like at all

¨It’s not like I was an abandoned dog in the middle of the street¨

¨No but you looked like it, I promise¨ he says, playing nervously with his hands

¨Do you think I am miserable?¨ Jaehyun has to ask, sadness filling his voice

¨No, you are not miserable Jaehyun, I promise, even if you don’t believe me. I know you guys think I am just a kid yet, but thanks to you guys I was able to learn a lot fucking much of things, about a lot of things too, and one of them is my perception of people like you Jaehyun. You are still my role model, you know? I don’t think nothing is going to ever in the middle of that, not a girl, not a boy, no one Jaehyun. You are my person, and I mean it¨

And he just hugs Jaehyun. It could be he was feeling sorry towards his friend, but it was mainly because he needed the embrace, he needed Jaehyun close.

Later that night they go outside after dinner, to just chill around the campfire. He sits next to Jaehyun, being incredibly clingy, but he feels nice. Jaehyun hugs him back, and even if Jeno might be stronger than Jaehyun, he just crumbles under his arms. When it’s time to sleep, they hug and kiss each other goodbye, letting all his feelings burn in the campfire as he enters his cabin with Jaemin, feeling exhausted.

¨I’m so so tired I don’t think I can shower¨ Jaemin says, getting his shoes off at the entrance of their cabin. Jeno just guesses his walk with Jungwoo was as tiring as his conversation with his friends

¨You are going to be smelling all smokey then¨ he says in a friendly sweet voice, that he realizes he hadn’t used today until they both were alone again

¨And you stink of cigarettes… all because you wanted to sit with Jaehyun¨

¨Oh don’t be jealous¨ Jeno says to him, hitting playfully his shoulder “We literally live together Jaemin”

¨I know! I was joking! ¨

¨Whatever, but go shower, I will go after you¨

Jaemin scoffs, but he still showers first, and then he does. As he enters the bathroom, he can smell Jaemin all over it. He doesn’t understand why, because in their apartment they both share a bathroom (Taeyongs room was the one with the bathroom on suite but after he went, Mark went for it, so now Jaemin and Jeno shared the bathroom down the hall). But he never had smelled Jaemin all over a room before like that time. He thinks it’s because it has a very small window, and it’s closed because of the mosquitoes, but still.

He really has a hard time concentrating on only showering, and he is about to just succumb to his instincts, ready to set the temperature to the water near scalding hot, but he is sure he is not going to be okay after that, so his brain switches as fast as the temperature, Jaemin setting it at the coldest. He has to wait even a couple of minutes after showering to calm himself down, and just in case, when he finishes, he just rushes to his side of the bed, covering himself under the blankets. And he was about to tease Jaemin about being so tired despite doing absolutely nothing, but he heard him mumbling something in his sleep.

Jeno sighs, and he’s about to be relieved about Jaemin being sleeping so he’s not going to be pushed against the wall against his own feelings. He starts imagining a fight between him and his feelings. He chuckles, imagining his head as the Inside Out one, thinking about what his non-existent feelings would look like, when he feels Jaemin is turning around.

He curses himself for being so loud, but Jaemin is just a very light sleeper, and sometimes he talks in his sleeps. But this time, he turns and slightly touches Jeno’s arm, but he doesn’t stop there. Jeno is about to get the fuck out of the bed, but Jaemin just gets a bit closer and hugs his arm tightly.

¨You are so cold¨ he mumbles, eyes closed

Jeno stays still. He knows Jaemin has a very hot temperature usually, and that he has a hard time sleeping at summer, that’s why he loves sleeping on the couch with the balcony door opened, even if his back is going to hurt like hell the next day. But today they had the window closed, and even if it was cold outside, the room is just filled with so much warm air and he feels Jaemin is burning hot, almost like he had a fever.

Jaemin starts clinging into him more, as he just got out of a very cold shower, and he keeps mumbling about how good he feels. Jeno asks him if he can hug him, and Jeno whispers a softly of course, so Jeno does. And for his own good, Jaemin stops talking. It took a couple of hours to get to sleep, because he was feeling again how quickly his heart was beating.

-

Jeno decides it’s time. He needs to be with Jaemin, even if that terrifies him. But he feels like he is going to choke whenever he thinks about the past’s events, he shared with him. He thinks about how, for example, yesterday, Jaemin told him how strong and lean he was getting, that maybe it was really worth it paying two gym memberships and Jeno almost spills his tea. He just can’t handle his emotions; he needs to air them out.

He thinks the first step is to confirm his feelings, for the second time, with Jaehyun. Even if he knows the last time almost caused a big fight, this time he is ready.

¨I’m going to ask Jaemin out¨

Jeno says to his friend, once in their house, playing stupid notes on his Jaehyun’s piano. He knows he looks weak, every time he talks about Jaemin he can’t even get his head up, but at least, he can breathe normally. And most likely if he sees Jaehyun right now he is going to ask him for a cigarette, and no one wants that.

¨Can you elaborate?¨ the older say calmly, and Jeno is thankful for that

¨I told you I started to like him a at the beginning of the year, and I told you that if I kept on living with him, I was going to fall in love¨

Is he trying to gaslight Jaehyun? Is he trying to gaslight himself? By just saying obvious facts so he doesn’t need to express anything out loud? He thinks he is, but he knows Jaehyun is not going to buy it.

¨So you did¨

¨Yeah, I’m now sure of it¨ They stay silent for a minute, but Jeno picks up the conversation again, feeling anxious all over again ¨At first, I was very confused because I couldn’t draw a line between friendship and an actual crush you know¨

¨What do you mean?¨

Jeno really couldn’t understand what Jaehyun was asking, because he really had a hard time coming with an answer for himself, so now he has to explain it to another human being.

¨I mean, I think it’s a bit different when we are both guys than a girl and a guy, but I’m not sure¨ he starts explaining, trying to make sense ¨For me it’s different because we didn’t meet in a flirty way, or like trying to get to know each other in a way, we were just friends. And I couldn’t realize that I was making things for him that I wasn’t making for you, for example¨

¨Like what?¨ Jaehyun asked curiously

¨For example, every time I can bring someone to a show, I only think of him¨ he says, standing up, trying to fill his lungs ¨Or like, I know it’s silly but, you know I don’t like spending much money, but I don’t really mind spending it on him¨

¨I see¨

¨I just started to realize that I’m really into him, and my feelings and actions are really not friendly like, you know? Like I want to text him all the time, even though we live together, and I know for sure I am going to see him when I get home¨ Jeno keeps on explaining ¨sometimes I even feel like I’m only myself when I’m with him, and that nothing else matters around¨

¨Wow Jeno, I get it but like, you could also feel all of that and you could still be friends…¨

¨What the fuck do you mean Jaehyun?¨ Jeno looks at him almost hurt. He is not really hurt, he just feels a bit more confused because maybe Jaemin is just a friend? But then…¨ Well, besides that, I think he is really hot¨

¨I think Jaemin is really hot too¨

¨And I really want to fuck him¨

That’s it for Jaehyun to stop trying to get on the I-like-Jaemin-more-than-you train.

¨Ooookay, hold up¨ Jaehyun says, sitting straight on his chair ¨You got me there¨

¨Jaehyun tell me¨ Jeno asks again, a bit desperate ¨you felt all of that with Seulgi right?¨

¨Yes of course, I loved her¨

¨I know, and tell me, what is the difference between that and what you feel with… Doyoung, for example¨

He has to make Jaehyun think about the whole thing, because sometimes he can’t understand things unless he is the subject of the dilemma, so Jeno tries an example with a recent friend that Jaehyun had made, but he seems to be actually thinking about it, which makes Jeno frown.

¨Jaehyun you don’t need to actually think it, it’s obvious¨ Jeno stats ¨Don’t you see the difference?¨

¨I really don’t¨

¨Come one Jaehyun¨ Jeno tells him, losing his patience ¨Do you also like Doyoung?¨

¨I don’t know?¨ Jaehyun suddenly says, and they both look at each other in silence

Jeno cant really make up his mind about what he just heard It was already hard to understand his feelings towards Jaemin that now he had to make his mind around Jaehyun and Doyoung? And what about Taeyong and Yuta?

¨Jaehyun are you serious? Or are you just trying to prove a point?¨

¨Forget it, I think I just have FOMO¨ Jaehyun tries to shut up his brain ¨I don’t want to lose my best friend to my other best friend¨

¨Not everyone can be your best friend¨

¨Don’t care plus didn’t ask. Now tell me, why now are you going to ask him out?¨

¨Because now I am a hundred percent sure of what I am feeling, and I want him to be my boyfriend¨

Jeno feels sure about this, so he rushes his afternoon with Jaehyun, not because he was uncomfortable, in fact, he would rather spend the night at Jaehyun’s mushy mattress than own up to his feelings, but he just can’t hold them back anymore.

He decides a plan with Jaehyun.

Firstly, he is going to buy flowers, not like something prepared, but when he gets there, he is going to look for the best one that matches Jaemin’s vibe. He still has to figure out his vibe, but he will find matching flowers.

Second, he is going to buy him a necklace. He knows Jaemin is always praising him about his looks and how pretty everything looks on him, and Jeno curses himself because he would love to see Jaemin in those outfits too, but lately he hasn’t been able to bring anything home from their photoshoots. But he knows he wants to buy him a silver chain with a little star on it.

And lastly, he is going to cook for him. He already knew Jaemin would close the cafeteria that day, so he had all the time in the world. He goes to buy the flowers, and he ends up picking some minimalist greenery bouquet, consisting of eucalyptus, olive branches, ferns, and calla lilies. It’s mainly green with hints of white, but he knows Jaemin is simply going to love it. He goes to one of his favorites stores and gets a silver chain with a star charm, but he gets a couple of charms more in case he wants to change it (including a key and a moon).

He gets to their apartment and sets everything up. He thought he was going to meet Mark when he came out, as Jeno asked Mark if he could be with Sophia that day, and he didn’t know he wouldn’t be already there, so he checked his phone and saw that Mark had answered him ten minutes ago, saying he had a late recording today. Jeno laughed, because when Mark said late recording he meant late dinner with Jhonny and Jisung, he was fooling no one.

When he gets everything on the living room table, he goes down to do some grocery shopping, as he is going to make some curry. He has seen on a couple (of hundred) Instagram reels the recipe, so he thinks it’s going to be fine. When he gets home, he continues his plan.

But maybe, because Jeno is sweating before even attempting the dish, everything is not going as he expected. The rice is not made correctly, having already tried twice. He cut the potatoes so unevenly that some of them are as soft as a smoothie and others are just yellow rocks. And the same with carrots.

He starts panicking, because he really hates cooking, but Jaemin loves it, so he wanted to try for him. But Jeno doesn’t know how to accept failure, and he can’t bring himself to look at the mess he made. An hour and a half passed, and he got nothing done. He doesn’t know why everything went so wrong, but he can’t turn back time. HE starts trying to cut more potatoes, to make more rice, but now he can’t even keep on because he is breathing so unsteadily. He is crying because he feels like a failure, and he is about to have a hear attack as he hears the lock of the main door. He prays everything he knows that is Mark that forgot something, because it was still too early for Jaemin to come, but of course, Jaemin crosses the door, instantly dropping his tote bag on the couch and running towards Jeno.

¨Jeno are you okay? What is happening?¨ He sees how Jaemin is looking at the kitchen counters as if someone committed murder right on top of them ¨Did you try making something?¨

But Jeno can’t answer. As much as he grew liking the attention and praising when he did something good, he simply couldn’t stand the same level of attention when he did something wrong. He hated having a hundred eyes locked on his mistakes, but even more if in between those eyes, he found Jaemin’s. And now they were the only eyes that were looking at him, so he couldn’t hide. He tried, turning around, but Jaemin just moved around him until they were facing again, and he was lowering himself so much so he could look at Jeno’s eyes that he felt like nothing.

¨Jeno what happened? Talk to me please¨ Jaemin tries again, hugging him now, but he can’t talk ¨Let me help you please, you know I love helping you Jen¨

Jeno softens up a bit with the nickname, and now moves his hands from his face to hug Jaemin too.

¨Please Jen¨ Jaemin says, knowing it worked on him ¨Imagine if I was like this, wouldn’t you want to help me?¨

¨Of course¨ he quickly says

¨Then…¨ he tries tickling Jeno, and it works because he smiles a bit ¨Let’s talk please¨

Jeno nods, but it comes off almost as a shaking, because he really doesn’t know what he is going to say to him. How could he confess after the mess he made? Jaemin guides him to one of the kitchen chairs, and he wants to beg Jaemin that he stops cleaning his mess, but he just grabs Jaemin sleeve and whispers a tiny stop. Jaemin nods and sits in front of him, hands extended, in case he wants to grab them. But he can’t grab him right now, he doesn’t deserve him.

¨I see you tried making curry¨ Jaemin points out ¨I always mess the ratio of water and rice; thank god the packed rice exists¨

Jeno press his lips together, not knowing if he is lying or if rice is actually that difficult to make.

¨I wanted to make something nice¨ Jeno starts saying, with a tiny voice that makes Jaemin leaning subtly over the table ¨I wanted to make something nice for you¨

¨Oh, thank you very much, you didn’t need to-¨

¨I did need to¨ he says reluctantly. Sometimes he hates when people tell him that he doesn’t need to do something, because it just highlights his whole people-pleaser persona, but also sometimes he needs to hear it ¨I bought something for you, and I wanted to make you dinner¨

¨Is that thing wrapped on the coffee table?¨ Jaemin asks and Jeno obviously nods ¨Do you still want me to take it?¨ Jeno nods again

Jaemin goes over to the living room, taking the necklace

¨The flowers too¨ Jeno whispers, and he actually doesn’t expect Jaemin to listen to him, but he knows he is too careful of him, so he turns around a bit and grabs the flowers too

¨This are incredible¨ He says, grabbing the flowers ¨I love the olive smell, it’s so soothing¨

¨I thought so too¨ Jeno says. He wants to add that that’s why he picked it, because it reminded him of being with him but he stays silent again

¨Can we have them here in the kitchen? I want them to have as much sunlight as possible¨

¨Wherever you want¨ Jeno says softly, little by little he can direct his gaze at a higher sight than his hands under the table

¨And can I open this?¨ Jaemin asks him, and he feels much calmer and a bit more in control of the whole situation

¨Yes please¨ he says, looking now at him, still feeling shaky

But Jaemin’s eyes always make him feel so secure, so seen.

¨Thank you Jeno, for the presents. I don’t know what this is but I already loved the flowers, and I’m sure Mark is going to love them as well¨

Jeno thinks about a couple of minutes ago, when he saw the door opening and he actively wished that it was Mark, but now he feels grateful that it wasn’t him, because he would have simply collapsed if Mark saw him in such state, but he trusts Jaemin blindly.

He sees how carefully his friend is opening the box, and he feels anxiety building up in his throat, but it instantly fades when Jaemin takes the chain, already with the star charm attached to it.

¨Oh my god Jeno, this is the prettiest thing ever¨ Jaemin stats ¨I don’t even know if I can wear it¨

¨You really like it?¨

¨I love it Jeno, but I don’t think if I can really wear it with any of my clothes¨ Jaemin says, staring down the necklace ¨But at the same time I can’t wait to try it on¨

¨I can help you out and you can try it on now¨

¨Would you like it?¨ Jaemin says and Jeno nods for the fifth time this afternoon

Jaemin stands up and squats softly in front of him, handing him the necklace. Despite the shaking, Jeno can lock it up at the first try, and he just guesses that is the amount of jewelry he had to change in seconds between his walks. Jaemin touches it over his clothes, without standing up, looking directly at Jeno.

¨I love it Jen, thank you¨ Jaemin is about to stand up, but Jeno grabs his hands

This time Jaemin doesn’t say anything, but  because he knows that Jeno is more than capable of handling the situation. So Jeno builds up all the courage he has left and looks at Jaemin.

¨I bought these presents because I wanted to tell you something¨ and I didn’t know how you would react. He doesn’t add that last part, but Jaemin must know him because he grabs Jeno’s hands ¨I think you already know what I am going to say¨

¨It doesn’t matter, I want to hear it from you, if that’s okay¨

¨I love you Jaemin¨ he feels his throat just closing and his palms getting clammy, but Jaemin just grabs them harder, with a deadly smile on his face ¨I love you¨

¨I think you already know what I am going to say too¨ Jaemin teases him ¨I love you  Jeno, I love you very much. Thank you for this, for the moment and for telling me, I could have never¨

¨Why?¨ Jeno asks curiously, even if he knows all too well the kind of willpower he needed to get his shit together

¨Because I could never digest being rejected by you. It was extremely coward, and I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I just couldn’t lose you. Plus, you weren’t obvious at all until the pasts weeks¨

¨You are just messing with me-¨

¨I promise you I am not. You are not as transparent as you think you are, Lee Jeno¨ Jaemin says, but quickly adds ¨But I like it¨

They both stand up so they can embrace each other in a tight hug, and Jeno feels he was just made for hugging Jaemin, because he feels too comfortable there. He doesn’t want to stop hugging him, but Jaemin takes a bit of a step back, even if his hands are still on his waist.

¨Can I kiss you?¨ Jaemin asks, again, and Jeno just smiles. He loves how caring he is, with every little detail, he just is ¨Its okay if you don’t want to, really¨

But Jeno shakes his head and leans into him, kissing him first. He smiles in the kiss, knowing he kissed him first, he opened to him entirely, and they were now where they wanted to be. The kiss is not long, but it doesn’t need to be, because they now have all the time in the world to make things at their own pace.

¨Now I hope that you stay in my bed after you carry me out of the sofa¨

¨If that means that you don’t wake up hurting your back, then yes¨

Jeno teases him back a bit as he feels more confident. He doesn’t know what really makes him comfortable, if it’s Jaemin’s gaze on him, his soft touch on his waist and hips, the eucalyptus fragrance, or just the domestic situation he finds himself in right now, but he can already feel more at ease. He can breathe, and he is breathing next to Jaemin, which is looking at him like he was the prettiest boy in the world.

He thinks it’s silly because he knows the prettiest boy in the world is Jaemin, but he still feels flustered. He wants to kiss him again, so he does, just slightly and very timid, but he does. He gets a kiss on the nose from Jaemin.

¨We should clean this¨ Jaemin says ¨And you know I don’t really like it but-¨

¨Please let’s order in, I really can’t be near a refrigerator for several days¨

¨Fair enough Jen, fair enough¨

And as they tidy up, surprisingly quickly, they decided to order some sushi. Jaemin lets him pick a movie and Jeno thinks about it thoroughly while the sushi arrives.

¨You already know?¨ Jaemin asks when they have already the containers opened and a couple of water glasses in the coffee table

¨I think I want to watch Inside Out¨

¨Perfect¨ Jaemin hums ¨Inside Out it is¨

Jeno knows he is going to finish the movie and Jaemin is going to be asleep as soon as the sushi is finished, but he doesn’t mind, because then he can carry him back to the bed, and this time, he can answer yes when Jaemin asks him to join him. He hopes he can always say yes to Jaemin.

Chapter Text

My mind's above me

My feet are on the floor

Maybe I'm just high

Bring me back to earth, 'cause-

Jaehyun feels very lost. He is at a point where he feels lost with everything that surrounds him. It’s not like has started to have dissociative periods like he used to, but just because he doesn’t let himself think about anything. He overworks himself in his daily life, in his work, in the gym, with his music, hanging out with his friends. He doesn’t want to think about Doyoung. But lately, it has been harder and harder.

Jeno and Jaemin started dating, and they were having an amazing time. Mark was sending photos of them on the group chat while doing very normal things, but together:  cooking, cleaning, walking, shopping… and he and his friends reacted like they were a celebrity power couple, and maybe they were. Mark was still dating Sophia, but he was way quieter about the situation than Jaemin and Jeno. Taeyong was still seeing Yuta, but they were just casual, and Jaehyun couldn’t wrap his head around it. So, with that, Jungwoo was his only single friend.

But that wasn’t an objective situation at all, he couldn’t talk to anyone about the whole Doyoung thing, because if he was honest with himself, what was the situation? What was happening? Jeno and Jaemin would say just go for it like they did. Taeyong would say to wait, that he is not ready to date someone. Mark would say that he is sure about what he is feeling, maybe asking him on a date to find out where his head is. And Jungwoo has been telling him to hurry the whole thing up because if not, he is going to be the one that asks Doyoung out, that he needed to get dick NOW. Jaehyun rolled his eyes, remembering every conversation with his friends.

All of them were kind of right because he did need to go for it, he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but he still needed to take him out on a date, and he needed to hurry the fuck up.

But it wasn’t because Jaehyun was impatient, thankfully he knew he needed time for himself. The problem was that the time he spent with himself if he wasn’t overachieving everything, he was drowning in his own thoughts. He kept thinking about his conversation with Jeno, the whole friends-to-lovers thing. But Jaehyun wasn’t sure if Doyoung was even his friend. He couldn’t draw a line between the concepts because Doyoung was just so mesmerizing, everything he did seemed right for Jaehyun, so he couldn’t judge his actions fairly.

They talked like he talked with his friends, and he felt like Doyoung flirted with him a little bit more but just because Jaehyun was still trying to understand his feelings. He did want to spend his time with Doyoung but was scared to death to ask him to do something outside the bar. Everything was coming back and forth in his head.

Last week, Doyoung was permanently promoted to bar manager, so they just worked together every single day except Monday, which was their free day. Doyoung asked Jaehyun to make some plans for that week, but Jaehyun couldn’t get himself out of his confusion, even though it wasn’t confusion at all, it was fear.

Jaehyun was terrified of his feelings, of admitting them, and he thought it was a stupid thing because all he did was smile whenever Doyoung texted him, he went excitedly every day to work because he knew he was going to spend the whole night talking with Doyoung about a hundred things. They texted every day about the most common things, Jaehyun just loved sharing his life with him.

He loved sharing his life with him.

He loved how petty he was.

He loved the relationship he built with him.

He loved his eyes.

Jaehyun turned off the shower, blinking quickly. He could not love Doyoung, because, in fact, he didn’t like him.

He finished showering, but he felt like he was going to choke. Maybe for a lot of people, it was an easy situation, but Jaehyun was conflicted. It wasn’t like he held grudges against Seulgi, but he hated how his relationship ended because of the poor communication they both had, and he had to admit some of his worst fights with his friends were because he couldn’t put into words what he was feeling.

But with Doyoung was different, and it has been like that since the beginning. It wasn’t like he was going to talk to him about it, because Jaehyun didn’t really know what he was feeling, but maybe facing the situation outside his routine was a good start. He used his writing more and more to express his feelings.

Spitting poetry like a romantic

For you, I'll buy a boat across the Atlantic

Sinking to the bottom, get the keys to Atlantis

He tried, and he tried expressing himself through the music, but it was harder than it seemed. He couldn’t help but sound like a teenager thinking about his first crush, but he didn’t want to just write, he wanted to make music with it, and that’s why he felt overwhelmed because whenever he sang something along some soft piano sounds, he felt like everything that he was saying was coming back to life. He couldn’t hide behind the music anymore, so he knew he was really affected by it, even if it was as dumb as rhyming Atlantic with Atlantis.

He wasn’t doing so bad lately but he still felt like literally drowning sometimes, and he just needed to get out of his house. He found himself so many times walking around his apartment complex in just some jogging clothes and slippers, even if it was December and it was close to snowing, he needed to feel something against his skin that helped clear his head from all that he was feeling. This time, as he got outside his building, the older texted him, as if he knew what he was doing. He didn’t feel the cold against his skin because his mind was so blank he could almost hear how his blood was rushing through his body like it was alerting him of something he wasn’t even aware of.

bossy kim doyoung

what you up today? you finally want to go and grab a drink?

this is the last time im asking btw

jaehyun

so dramatic? you only asked once

what do you want to do?

bossy kim doyoung

lets go to the christmas market !

if u say no i am firing you

jaehyun

you cannot fire me

…

right?

bossy kim doyoung

see u there in 20

Jaehyun doubts if he’s making a good decision, but his feet are already moving. He is running up to his apartment again to get changed into more winter-like clothes. Also, a more christmas-date-with-your-coworker-that-you-think-you-have-a-crush-on. He didn’t know shit about any of these kinds of tags for clothing, so he asked Jeno, of course.

jaehyun

please quickly tell me if this is an appropriate outfit for a christmas market

[attachment]

lee jeno (gay model)

first, who are you going with and why

second, no

Jaehyun just couldn’t bear his friends sometimes, especially when they talked about his life like it was some sort of rom-com. He rolled his eyes it almost hurt, but he just had to breathe twice before he could think of just not blocking him. Maybe he was being oversensitive.

jaehyun

dont ask things i didnt explicitly told u

lee jeno (gay model)

brathyun

take some black jeans, a white tshirt, some cool white shoes and that orange jacket you have (that its like from a baseball team)

but please DONT BUTTON ANYTHING UP

you are going to look like an onigiri then

jaehyun

but its going to be hella cold

lee jeno (gay model)

then wear some thermic t-shirt under, those compression ones that looks good on you

even if you are not showing it im sure it will make you comfortable

you got this

Jaehyun sighs and hopes Jeno is right. He hopes he got this. It’s true that wearing those compression t-shirts is going to make him more confident, because let’s be honest, those t-shirts can do magic. And Jaehyun was also being a little bit dramatic because maybe it wasn’t going to be so cold outside. More likely because the Christmas market was only fifteen minutes away from his house, so maybe he could also jog for a bit if he was feeling under the weather.

He was close to thank that he had Mondays free because he thought that it wasn’t going to be that crowded, but he proved himself wrong once again. As he was getting closer to the plaza,  he could really see the amount of people who had the same idea as Doyoung.

He was about to text him to ask him where he was because he was getting close to the main event, but he didn’t need to, because he could only look at him. Even if the plaza was full of people walking, running, kissing, and laughing, he could only look at him. Even if it was kind of late, Doyoung was shining like he was the only person around him. His hair looked so fluffy, whiter than ever, and along with his smile, Jaehyun thought he was going to faint. He was wearing a white shirt, but around his neck, he had two silver necklaces. He had a black leather jacket hanging on his shoulder, which he held with his hand, a couple of rings on it. He thought about turning around because he knew himself, and he was going to look at his lips the whole afternoon. His body was already shaking, but he couldn’t do it, because Doyoung seemed to spot him between the whole crowd too, and that made Jaehyun seen. He really thought he was going insane, because as he was approaching him, he could already smell the orange hints on Doyoung’s perfume, and that couldn’t be possible because it was really-

¨Are you okay? You look like you are going to be sick¨ Doyoung teased Jaehyun, but got serious when the younger didn’t answer right away ¨Are you?¨

¨No, I don’t think so¨ Jaehyun says shyly ¨It’s just that there is an insane amount of people here, even if it's Monday¨

¨I know, right? And I hoped this could be our little special afternoon¨ Jaehyun's heart skips a beat, he never knew what to answer to this kind of Doyoung things ¨But it’s okay, we can still have fun, even if half of Seoul is around us¨

¨I think so too¨ Jaehyun just agrees because what on earth is he supposed to answer

Doyoung smiles at him like it’s the most mundane thing to do, and Jaehyun wishes he had a cigarette before coming here because he wasn’t going to last the whole afternoon without a drag. He wasn’t being dramatic now, he really needed one. Maybe that’s why he was fidgeting with his keychain so much that Doyoung had to turn around, even if the older one was walking towards a specific place.

¨Is everything okay? Are you going to attack me with those?¨

¨If you don’t stop running maybe¨

¨Who could have thought that a gym bro like you couldn’t handle some cardio¨

¨I am not a gym bro¨ Jaehyun scoffed loudly, only causing Doyoung to stop and look at him in so much disbelief

¨I have seen you, so don’t try to argue with me¨ He continued walking around the people it was a labyrinth ¨We had to order a bigger size in shirts just for you¨ he mumbled, shaking his head

Jaehyun felt flustered, of course. It was being a bit too much the praising and flirting and the fast pace Doyoung was walking at. But he thought it was unfair of him to tell Doyoung to stop flirting with him because even if it was making him a bit uneasy in the stomach, every time the older spoke Jaehyun was just confirming repeatedly what he felt.

He didn’t want Doyoung to act around him, even if the over-friendly tone was a bit hurting, even deluding, but he would pick that reaction on him rather than being awkward around him. He could never.

¨Do you like cinnamon rolls?¨

Doyoung asks him, standing in front of a cinnamon roll stand. Jaehyun nods and Doyoung orders a couple of them, taking them both and again moving between the mass of people. Jaehyun wanted to tell him that he could really walk slower, but they quickly reached some picnic tables that became full the moment they sat there, so maybe Doyoung really knew what he was doing.

¨This is a pumpkin one and this is a pistachio one¨ Doyoung explains, opening the little boxes ¨I know they are very mainstream but sue me, I love these little shits¨

He takes a wooden spoon and takes a bite of it, only to give the spoon to Jaehyun

¨Try this¨ He motioned the spoon to his hand, but Jaehyun was confused, trying to process ¨Didn’t you think I was going to feed you like a baby, right?¨

Jaehyun quickly shakes his head, even if he exactly thought that he was going to do that. He takes the spoon and tries a small bite of the pistachio one, smiling greatly after that. It was really warm and fluffy, the pistachio glazing melting in his mouth as he eagerly went for a second bite.

¨I just knew you were going to love this¨ Doyoung says, crossing his legs and nodding ¨I’ve seen how you munch on the nuts and gummies we serve at the bar¨

¨Don’t tell me again only the finest-¨

¨Noo, I wasn’t going to. I have been coming to that stand every year for the past five years. I love the smell of the cinnamon, the spices, the nuts, is very soothing¨

Jaehyun nods because he gets it, and as he tries the pumpkin one he understands the whole soothing thing, because even if there could be a million people around him, somewhat the flavor keeps him grounded. He quickly got his phone out, trying to relax his sudden wave of thoughts.

There's no place I'd rather be than

Which you're sitting next to me

'Cause you give me my gravity

You pull me back through

He locks it quickly because he doesn’t want Doyoung that he isn’t enjoying his dat- his hangout. He is too much. He looks around and he feels comfortable. Doyoung tells him something about saving the cinnamon rolls for later, and he just does as he tells him and saves them in their boxes again, Doyoung picks them up and places them inside the plastic bag the stand gave them. They move to another food stand, and even if Jaehyun's stomach is starting to grow a knot in it, he tries everything Doyoung orders. Because the older can’t really eat that much, but he was craving everything he saw. He kept ordering only for him to have a couple of bites and then passed it around to Jaehyun with a bright smile, waiting for him to try.

He tried everything and, he must admit, Doyoung had a gift. At first, when they started working together, he thought he was just very fond of his job, but because he worked with one of the most amazing chefs in the Asian continent, and because they were friends, Jaehyun guessed he just had learned a lot from him. This was true, but Doyoung wasn’t just a very good friend interested in his friends’ jobs and hobbies, he had talent.

He had a talent for pairing foods, flavors, and drinks, which came from a blend of his natural gift and cultivated experiences. His heightened sensory awareness allowed him to pick up on subtle tastes and aromas others might miss, making it easy for him to sense harmonious or contrasting flavors, and he did it like it was the easiest thing in the world. He excelled at recognizing patterns among tastes and textures, an ability that helped him identify which combinations would enhance each other. This one could be seen best when he worked at the restaurant, but he quickly adapted his methods and skills to the drinking field, which was even more fascinating.

Doyoung’s culinary knowledge also played a significant role in his persona, or at least, that’s what Jaehyun thought. Over time, he developed a deep understanding of flavor profiles and how they interact, which, combined with his creativity, led him to exciting results, in his job and himself, because Doyoung could be as energetic as the spark of a cocktail or as calm as the smell of deep flavor of a self-brewed beer. His natural curiosity and willingness to experiment only enhanced his skills; he was always open to trying new combinations and refining his approach through trial and error, but that was exactly what made Doyoung the person he was now.

He was now in a Christmas market trying just slight bites of the things that catch his attention, and Jaehyun can swear he sometimes saw him writing things down on his phone, as if he was making mental notes of everything that embraced his sensories. It was almost mesmerizing because he looked so flawless doing a very amusing activity. Jaehyun sometimes got so into him that he had to snap back to reality because Doyoung was already out of his sight, and he had to search for a couple of seconds until he saw him calling him from yet another stand.

Luckily for him, Doyoung seemed satisfied when they went to another bench, this now with their bags full of leftovers and a couple of beers in their hands.

¨We look like alcoholics¨ Jaehyun said ¨Sitting on a bench with two beers each¨

Doyoung just smiled softly and chuckled a bit, his hair moving just a few millimeters into his forehead. Jaehyun instinctively wanted to reach out and separate the few locks away from his eyes and thank god he had his hands busy because that would have looked extremely weird. He just suppressed his intrusive thoughts, and he thinks Doyoung must have known what he wanted to do because he let out a soft blow to get some hair out of his face.

¨Better?¨ He asked, and Jaehyun couldn’t help but blush and nod

They stayed on that bench for almost a couple of hours more, eventually finishing their drinks and taking a few more bites of the food that Doyoung picked, obviously, in a very concrete order that made the experience much more enjoyable. Or at least, that’s what Jaehyun thought.

¨It’s getting kind of chilly¨ Doyoung said, buttoning up his jacket, and Jaehyun wanted to do the same but he remembers vividly Jenos words ¨Aren’t you cold?¨

¨I’m fine, but it’s getting late too¨

Even if Jaehyun didn’t want this to end, it was also hurting at one point because he just wanted to kiss him. He couldn’t think of any more things to talk about because he only wanted to hear Doyoung talk for hours. But the older was also asking him questions, about his old job, how he met Jungwoo, and if Jeno could come by the bar again and install some LEDs under the counter. He answered very friendly, but Jaehyun just wanted to ask him if he was interested in him, if he thought he was a good friend, and if he wanted to have a date with him. But he obviously couldn’t ask those things, even if the only thing he could think about was Doyoung, in a very painful loop.

¨True, and tomorrow we have that birthday thing¨

¨Fuck, I completely forgot¨ Jaeyhun said because it was the truth, even if it wasn’t so professional of him to mention to his manager that he forgot about an important event ¨But there weren’t many people right? At least on the invitation list¨

¨Around fifty I think, but I am sure it's not going to be something too crazy, just a bit busier than usual¨ Doyoung said, trying to not freak out Jaehyun too much ¨Donghyuck is coming too actually, to help us¨

¨That’s nice, I like him¨ Jaehyun nodded

¨Me too. Maybe we can both have breakfast in the morning at my place if you want that¨

¨That sounds nice¨

¨It's settled then¨

They smile at each other, and without having to speak between them, they eventually stand up and start walking away from the market. Jaehyun is leading the way, because he is the one who knows around, as he tells Doyoung, and the oldest answer is just a scoff, rolling his eyes. Jaehyun wants to show him around for a bit because even if it wasn’t the neighborhood that he grew up in, he had been living there for quite some time, so he knew his ways. They crossed a narrow street and went around a residential block, maybe walking too fast for his liking because they were reaching Jaehyun’s building complex, and he was excited to show Doyoung where he lived. But only then Jaehyun heard a hard thud, turning quickly only to see Doyoung on the floor.

¨Oh my god Doyoung are you okay?¨ Jaehyun crouches quickly into him, hugging his shoulders ¨Are you hurt?¨

¨I don’t know, I think I twisted my ankle a bit¨

¨I’m sorry, I was going too fast¨ Jaehyun admits, feeling way more guilty than he sounded ¨Come, lean on me, let’s lift you up¨

And Jaehyun makes a mental note to thank Jeno for pressuring him to go to the gym, because he can easily help Doyoung in this situation, lifting him crazy fast and offering him a very solid support. Even Doyoung seems surprised that he can cling to his arm without him moving a bit, and he looks like he wants to say some flirty comments about his arms, but his face makes a sudden flinching when he tries to step on the ground with his now twisted ankle.

¨I don’t think I can walk that fast now, fuck¨ he says, standing on one leg ¨I’m going to call a cab if that’s okay with you¨

¨Uhm, yes but¨ Jaehyun is very unsure of what he might say because he knows it can turn out bad for him, but right now he can only think about Doyoung’s well-being ¨We were just getting to my place, we can go there, and I we can take a look on that ankle¨

Doyoung seems to be hesitant to this sudden proposition, which makes Jaehyun instantly regret even thinking about it, but he nods quickly, and Jaehyun just thinks that maybe he wasn’t that hesitant, he is just in so much pain. Or at least that is what he tells himself, so he doesn’t turn crazy on this accident. They go slowly to Jaehyun’s apartment, eventually him just piggybacking Doyoung to the building and inside the elevator. It’s a very funny scenery because Doyoung is just mumbling about him being hurt not only in his ankle, but his pride too, that someone younger than him is taking him to his apartment carrying him like a child, and Jaehyun is a bit glad that at least he is not showing that much pain, and he is trying to take things calmly. When they get to his door, Jaehyun struggles a bit to take the keys out, and he feels that Doyoung is trying to get down, but Jaehyun hurries up and takes them out, opening the door to his now-looking smallest-than-ever studio.

He takes a couple of steps to leave Doyoung in his halfway-made bed, closing the door after him. He runs to his bathroom, hearing Doyoung talking about what a nice building he lived in, and the good views he had.

¨You don’t have to lie to me Doyoung, I’ve seen where you live¨ Jaehyun says, rattling inside the small drawers of his bathroom furniture ¨I know I live in a rathole¨

¨Is not exactly a rathole¨ He teases, hissing a bit from the pain ¨Its cozy, like a hotel room¨

¨It’s embarrassing, you can drop it¨ Jaehyun says a bit more seriously, but just because he can’t find anything that can help Doyoung ease the pain ¨Look I am going to run to the convenience store real quick-¨ He continues talking, messily grabbing a couple of things from his first drawer

¨You don’t need to-¨

¨Please, I will be back. You can see actually everything I have, so if you need anything you know where it is¨

Jaehyun takes a couple of steps to the kitchen counter and takes a glass of water, leaving it on his nightstand, so Doyoung can easily grab it if he wants it. He kind of storms out of his apartment, leaving Doyoung continuously telling him that he doesn’t need to, but he needs to get out of there. He doesn’t realize how suffocating it was inside his studio until he rushes out of his building, the cold air hitting his face so hard he has to almost close his eyes. He starts walking fast to the convenience store, not first without lighting up a cigarette. He tries not to direct the smoke to his clothes, trying to avoid the smell that is going to expose him to his friend, but he doesn’t care at this point. When he is half done with his cigarette, he gets to his usual convenience store, but they are closed because of the market thing, so he has to rush to the next one.

Thankfully the second closest one was open, so he quickly finishes the rest of his smoking break and enters the store. He is not sure of what he is supposed to get, because even if Jaehyun is a bit clumsy, he never gets hurt, but he makes another mental note to remember having a medical kit around when he’s with Doyoung because he is not as clumsy as him, but he gets hurt easily, for some reason.

He rumbles in his head, and he shows it in his movements, taking a bunch of shit frenetically: first, he takes a bag of frozen peas so he can use it to compress to reduce swelling. He looks for pain relievers, only finding some liquid ibuprofen (his face flinches at remembering the taste of that, because he is really bad at taking medicine, but he knows it’s going to help Doyoung immensely, even if his fine palate can’t handle the taste of a medicine-chemical-taste syrup). Lastly, he picks up some drinks and a couple of snacks, in case Doyoung wants to eat something after the ibuprofen stroll that he is going to be having.

He pays quickly, rushing back to his house but not that much because he just needs to smoke again. He finishes it anxiously at the front door of his building, not even bothering to take the elevator as he rushes through the stairs. Jaehyun swears he couldn’t feel his heart beating faster than that but his heart sinks into the hallway when he hears strong thuds inside his apartment. He gets closer, anxiously trying to understand what is happening, and he hears Doyoung crying. He gets confused but mainly scared, and he rushes to open the door quickly. When he is inside his studio, he can’t see Doyoung, but he quickly hears him behind the bathroom door, and it’s closed.

Jaehyun does the math quick, even if he feels his brain is freezing and he can’t move, he is actually very fast, almost crashing himself against the door.

¨Doyoung wait, wait for me please¨

¨Let me out Jaehyun! Let me the fuck out now!¨

¨Doyoung please, wait. The door is broken, and I need to-¨

But he can’t keep talking, all he hears is Doyoung breaking down and begging him to get him out, and that he is sorry. Jaehyun can’t understand where that is coming from, but he goes quickly and closes the main door, trying to not wake everyone up and let them think that he has someone kidnapped in his apartment. He runs to the kitchen then and takes a knife and chopsticks, knowing already the trick to open the locked door. Even if his hands are shaking because Doyoung can’t really stop crying and hitting the door, he opens the door quickly and sees Doyoung just thrown at the floor, messily crying and with so much fear in his eyes he wants to die.

Jaehyun sees that Doyoung flinches at his sight, and he just throws the knife across the room, not caring if he is going to scratch whatever the knife finds on his way to the floor, only after that he kneels in front of Doyoung, grabbing his hands, trying to look at his eyes but he feels the older is just inside a deep trance.

¨Doyoung I’m here, you are okay¨ He says quickly, trying to sound reassuring ¨Jeno broke the door a while ago and I haven’t been able to fix it, I’m sorry Doyoung, I didn’t want to scare you¨

But Doyoung can’t stop crying, now his yelling is muffled down into breathy sobs and he is not hitting the door anymore, but his hands are trying to get away from Jaehyun's hard grip

¨Doyoung please listen to me, I’m sorry¨ Jaehyun gets closer to hug at him, and as he tries to embrace him, Doyoung pushes him softly, placing a hand under his nose.

Jaehyun looks at him in confusion, but again, he is quick in this kind of situation when it comes to Doyoung, and he knows the older must have smelled the strong cigarette smoke in his jacket and t-shirt. Jaehyun doesn’t think about it twice and he removes every piece of clothing he has over his hips, even the thermic t-shirt. He goes again to try and hug Doyoung, this time with a slower approach because he just can have him so deep in his trance, crying desperately on his floor while Jaehyun just stares.

This time, even if Doyoung doesn’t look at him, he lets himself be held by Jaehyun, and he just takes this as an opportunity to take care of him. He holds him hard, sometimes taking a couple of coughs from the older, but he doesn’t care, he needs to embrace him. Without much talking they move to the bed, and he sits Doyoung there, Jaehyun just squatting in front of him, this time grabbing softly his face as he tries to wipe some tears away.

¨Doyoung listen to me, you are here, you are okay¨ He tries to say repeatedly, until the words actually can enter the other’s brain ¨Please listen to me, I am here. I don’t want to hurt you, sorry I didn’t mention the door, I completely forgot about it. It’s been so long that I’m actually used to it; I never close it and that’s why I have a wood piece down the frame¨

¨I’m sorry, I took it out because I thought you dropped it when you were rambl-¨

¨It’s okay Doyoung, it’s my fault. I’m so sorry¨

Jaehyun keeps hugging his face with his hands, trying to get Doyoung back to earth. As he does so, Doyoung crying stops eventually, breathing normally again after almost twenty minutes. Jaehyun is again grateful about the whole adding weight to the squats that Jeno insists Jaehyun on because if not he would have not been able to maintain his position for that long. Even though he stands up his legs burn, but he tries to hide it as he goes to get the things he gathered at the convenience store.

Obviously, the frozen peas are not really frozen anymore, but he still wraps it around the ankle messily. He gives Doyoung the liquid ibuprofen, and neither say a word during the whole ¨medical¨  process. He also hands him a drink, that he drinks slowly. Jaehyun really wants to break the silence but he knows, if he were Doyoung, that he would hate it, so he keeps treating him. When he thinks there is nothing more than he can do for the other, he quickly grabs a sleeping t-shirt, because the cold inside his apartment is starting to become alarming.

¨Do you want to change? I can give you some clothes¨

¨If you don’t mind¨ Doyoung says softly

¨Of course not, here¨ Jaehyun takes some pajama pants and another sleeping t-shirt ¨You can change here, I will change in the bathroom. I’m not going to close the door the whole way, so if you need anything just tell me¨

Doyoung smiles awkwardly at him, and Jaehyun goes to the bathroom. He places again the wood piece, and he closes the door as much as he can.

It's now obvious that Doyoung is going to spend the night here, and he has to wrap his head around it. He doesn’t have a couch, not because he doesn’t want to but just because he really can’t fit it anywhere, so they are going to be sharing the bed. Jaehyun breathes as he changes into his pajamas as well, and only when he hears Doyoung that he is finished, he gets out.

¨I left the clothes over there, if you can just put them out of the bed¨ Doyoung says, pointing at his neatly folded clothes on the edge of the bed

Jaehyun nods and places them on one of the stools. He adds yet another mental note to buy at least another piece of furniture that he can place next to his closet. After that pause, he goes to the kitchen counter to take a glass of water, and he refills the glass that Doyoung gulped down after the ibuprofen intake. As he places it down on the nightstand, he sees Doyoung’s eyes pierce him, and he thinks he must have dropped the glass if he hadn’t already put it down. He visibly chokes, so he turns again and goes to the kitchen counter again, suddenly taking a rag out and wiping the already cleaned surface.

¨Jaehyun are you uncomfortable with me being here? I don’t mind leaving¨

He hears the soft tone Doyoung is using, and even if he is uncomfortable, it’s not because of the older’s actions but because of his feeling.

¨No, don’t worry. I just spilled some water here¨ Jaehyun excuses his lack of eye contact ¨sorry I don’t have a spare room or even a couch¨

¨Then stop scratching your nose¨ Doyoung tells him, which makes him confused ¨I can see you are scratching your nose again Jaehyun¨

¨What do you mean by again? I don’t scratch my nose¨

¨You have a scab on the bridge of your nose, and if you don’t stop picking it you are going to get it removed¨

Jaehyun frowns, not understanding where is he coming from. But he moves his hand to the bridge of his nose, and he feels a small scab. He never realized that he had it, and he must be showing exactly what he is feeling, because Doyoung talks to him again.

¨That’s okay Jaehyun, just be careful¨ He says softly

¨Do you want to sleep on the right or the left? I really don’t mind¨ Jaehyun changes the topic but just because Doyoung is literally in the middle of his bed along his bunny plushie

¨I don’t mind¨ but Doyoung is already moving to the right, so Jaehyun just takes it as his cue to turn off the lights and join him

Jaehyun had never felt everything so real before. He never felt how thin the fabric of his sheet was, but still worn out enough to feel them wrapping around him. He never felt how good his big pillow felt against his head, how the mattress had gone a couple of millimeters down on his lower back, how the streetlights were fading so slowly yet clearly showing the time passing quickly. He never felt how warm was to actually sleep with someone even if that time was the farthest he was of touching the body next to him. With Seulgi, she didn’t cling a lot to him, but she loved to hug only his hand. With Jeno, both slept back-to-back, but still they liked to be close to each other. With Jungwoo they literally tangled each other’s legs and slept like there was no tomorrow. With Taeyong he let himself be hugged, but he hugged Jaemin all the way. And now, that he thinks about it, he had never slept with Mark in the same bed, but he guesses he likes to be hugged too. He smiles, thinking about his friends, and how clingy he really is with them.

¨Are you laughing?¨ Doyoung asks him with a sleepy voice

¨Sorry, I was just remembering something¨

¨That’s okey, I love hearing you laugh¨

And Doyoung says it so natural that it takes Jaehyun all his willpower to not turn and kiss Doyoung until they are both asleep. Thankfully there is a bunny between them, and he contains himself, but Doyoung must notice how nervous Jaehyun is, so he turns on his right side, tucking himself tightly and looking at Jaehyun, but Jaehyun can’t look at him.

¨Are you mad with me?¨ Doyoung breaks the painful silence

¨Not at all¨ Jaehyun confesses

¨Then why are you not looking at me? Jaehyun I can leave if you want¨

¨Doyoung I told you I am okay¨

¨Do you promise?¨

¨Goodnight Doyoung¨

Because he can slightly lie to him, but he can’t promise something that he clearly knows it’s a blunt lie from the start. But Jaehyun doesn’t want to go to sleep like that, so he turns onto his left side, now looking at Doyoung too. He smiles at him, so he can’t let him know that he is not mad with him, and he guesses that the older must have got the message, because he smiles and nods.

The next day Jaehyun sleeps through his alarm and when he realizes, Doyoung is out of his house. He searches for his phone and is about to panic when he can’t find it anywhere, but he glances at it inside the bathroom, running to it, opening his chat with Doyoung.

bossy kim doyoung

sorry i didn’t say goodbye i didn’t want to wake u

i already made u sleep late yesterday

i am not going to be able to come to work, so sorry for not being able to attend the birthday event

they told me someone is coming with hyuck so you two will have some support

also i think the breakfast thing is going to be cancelled because of the spraining thing… sorry

also sorry for this spamming but i know you and you always have your phone on mute so im sure you wont hear this until you wake up

have a nice day jaehyun

jaehyun

thank u for taking the medicine

take care doyoung

text me if you need something okay?

see u soon

Jaehyun involuntarily scratches his nose until he bleeds, waiting for a reply. He sees himself in the bathroom mirror real fast and puts on a bandage on the bridge of his nose. He skips his morning journey, but he still get to shower and get on time to his afternoon shift.

That night without Doyoung is dreadful. Jaehyun just misses him.

-

¨What do we owe this pleasure?¨ Mark teases Taeyong and Jungwoo when he enters their place

They usually always celebrated all events at Jeno, Jaemin and Mark’s place, but just because less people had to move. But for New Year’s eve Taeyong made so much food it was an insane amount of work to move everything, so even if they were going to be a bit more crowded, they decided to host it there. Taeyong and Jungwoo lived in a very cute two room flat. It was very different from Jeno, Jaemin and Mark’s place.

The three of them lived in an apartment in where Jaemin and Jeno’s room were very small, and the common bathroom was actually as big as one of the rooms (for some reason), but Marks room was super big and with a bathroom on suite. Also, they had a proper kitchen with a dining room, and in front of it, separated by an arch, the enormous living room with a small balcony. It had very weird proportions, but they just hung around the living room, as it was spacious enough to host up to twenty people.

On the other side, Jaehyun lived in a studio with dimensions, as Doyoung said, as a hotel room. It was kind of embarrassing and he hoped to change that soon, but he just wanted to save a little bit more money.

And, between these two, it was Taeyong and Jungwoo’s place. The apartment also had weird proportions, because the entrance hall was almost as big as the living room, and the two rooms were super far away from each other, with a bathroom and a dressing room between them. They changed the dressing room into an office, but still. So, as a result, they all gathered around in the entrance hall.

Jungwoo decorated the whole place to the last detail, and Jaehyun just smiled at his effort. When him and Mark and Sophia went inside the apartment, a whole amount of smells came inside Jaehyun’s nose. He wanted to text Doyoung and ask what he was going to do today, but after last week’s incident, they didn’t talk too much outside work.

¨Shut up and give me the wine¨ Taeyong says, shaking out a hand out from the kitchen

Jaehyun was the one that carried the wines, so he came directly into the kitchen, and almost dropped everything as he saw Yuta.

¨Oh hi¨ he said quickly

¨Hi!¨ the Japanese guy greeted him cheerfully ¨Thank you for the wine¨

¨If I knew you were going to be here, I would have bought a better one, I promise¨

¨See what I have to deal with?¨ Taeyong rolls his eyes to Yuta, the latter just kissing playfully his head

Jaehyun feels a bit taken aback by the sudden display of affection, but just because it was unexpected.

And that’s how they spent New Year’s eve in Taeyong and Jungwoo’s apartment, with the owners of the flat, plus Jaemin and Jeno, Mark and Sophia, and Jaehyun.

¨Are we making this year the whole resolution thing?¨ Jaemin asked the table when they finished the last spoonful of tiramisu ¨I brought the box¨

¨Amazing then!¨ Taeyong says

He explains to the table (the new members Yuta and Sohpia) the whole resolution thing, and about that they were going to read their resolutions for 2023 that they wrote in 2022. He messes up the dates a bit, but just because he had a bit of wine.

¨Let’s start with the youngest here¨ Jaehyun says, winning a bit of time for his time. He really doesn’t remember what he wrote

¨Perfect¨ Jaemin says, taking out his paper ¨Oh god this is so embarrassing¨ he whispers, covering his face ¨Get a new job, read ten books and-¨ Jaemin shakes his head, showing how flustered he was ¨ask Jeno out¨

¨Jesus Christ you gay people¨ Mark teases them, but only to get a playful slap on his shoulder by Sophia ¨I’m sorry baby but you have seen them, they are so cliche¨

¨Don’t mind him, he’s just jealous you guys didn’t ask him out first¨ Sophia explains, making everyone laugh

¨My turn¨ Jeno says, catching everyone’s attention ¨Be more open about my feelings, be there for Jaehyun and I’m sorry about this last one, start an online course¨

Jaehyun smiles at the be there for Jaehyun statement, and Jeno smiles at him through the table, making a distant cheer with their glasses between them. Jaehyun will be forever grateful to Jeno.

¨Fucking again?¨ Jungwoo curses him out

¨Oh shut up¨ Jeno says, throwing a napkin at him

¨Gentlemen, chill¨ Mark says, opening his paper ¨Make a trip with Jhonny and Jisung, delete TikTok and read three books¨

¨Looks like everyone is doing so far so good¨ Taeyong points out ¨Except for the online course thing¨

¨And the fucking TikTok thing he just pulled¨ Jeno starts pointing at Mark ¨I swear he gets in trance sometimes in the middle of the living room scrolling down TikTok¨

Everyone laughs at Mark, Sophia just nodding at what Jeno just said, but instantly kisses Mark and calls him braindead in a span of 10 seconds. Jaehyun laughs so much at this last thing he has to take a napkin because he is scared he gets something out of his nose.

¨Okay now me¨ Jungwoo says quickly opening his paper ¨Get a pet, start going to the gym and learn how to cook better!¨ He says clapping his hands ¨I didn’t remember about the last one, but I think it came with living with this grumpy grandpa¨

¨This grumpy grandpa let you have a hamster in your room and wakes you up every morning so you can go to the gym with him, so I would be a bit more thankful to him¨

¨Yes grandpa¨ Jungwoo mutters

¨Now you¨ Jeno says, giving the papers to Jaehyun so he could grab his

Jaehyun is scared to death, because last year he had a mental breakdown during his opening time. But he couldn’t really remember what he wrote, as he had a couple of drinks when they decided to do this whole ritual, just as now. Maybe next year they could do it before dinner, but honestly, it wouldn’t be as funny.

¨So¨ Jaehyun clears his voice, his hands a bit shaky ¨Be more open about my feelings, write more and find hope¨

Everyone frowns at the last one, and Jaehyun can’t help but smile. Only because the second he read that, he instantly thought of Doyoung, and that for Jaehyun meant that he had really found hope. He didn’t know if the hope was to himself, to the future, to his work, to them- He didn’t know, but he had.

¨Why are you smiling so bad?¨ Yuta teases him

¨Just because¨ Jaehyun answers, not being able to bring himself up to open about this kind of feelings yet

¨My turn!¨ Taeyong says with a hint of eagerness in his voice ¨Let me see¨ he adds, unfolding the paper ¨Make a culinary experience, get a boyfriend and save money¨

¨And how did you do?¨ Jaemin asks curiously

¨I think so far so good¨ Taeyong smiles sheepishly

Everyone gathers around to welcome the New Year, and Jaehyun can’t wrap his head around the whole 2024 thing. It’s even kind of funny how these rituals they do have him so grounded, so down to earth that sometimes the drop is way too hard. But tonight, it’s a good drop, because he is excited to get to know and hold whoever is on the ground with him.

His heart aches a bit seeing Jeno and Jaemin kissing, and same with Mark and Sophia, even Taeyong and Yuta. Jungwoo looks at him and it’s about to peck his lips to Jaehyun, but the latter just flicks his forehead so hard that the rest of them break off their kiss and laughs loudly at Jungwoo’s whines.

His heart also aches a bit but because he needs to smoke so badly, and when he gets his hand on his jacket pockets, he remembers that he didn’t pack any, in case he was strong enough and wanted to start the year without his not so healthy habit, but he curses himself at 00:15 already.

¨I’m going to get a pack, I’m going to be right back¨ Jaehyun announces, taking Jungwoo’s Cinnamoroll keychain.

¨Let me go with you¨ Yuta says

They both get down to the street, Jaehyun cursing a bit because it was snowing and it was extremely cold, but well, he wasn’t god’s strongest soldier, and he just needed some nicotine to get on with the night.

¨Didn’t know you smoked¨

¨I don’t, I just wanted to get out a bit¨ Yuta says, with his hands in his pockets

They go to a convenience store and Yuta asks for a Twix, telling Jaehyun he is just going to make a quick call. When he gets out again, he in fact sees Yuta pacing in front of the store calling someone, speaking in Japanese. HE wants to wait for him but when the other sees him, he motions him, and they both make their way back. When he hangs, almost back at the apartment, Yuta asks for his Twix.

¨Don’t tell anyone this is my favorite shit ever¨ Yuta says opening the plastic wrap ¨I would never recover from the public humiliation¨

¨Am I not public enough?¨ Jaehyun asks, faking a hurt face

¨I trust you Jaehyun¨ he smiles, taking a second bite from the chocolate bar

They are both at the door of the apartment complex, but none of them want to go inside. And they don’t even tell that to each other, because they keep walking around the building complex, like they were in military training, but they are not running, and meanwhile Jaehyun is smoking his second cigarette, Yuta is binging on the second chocolate bar.

-

New years are always so exciting, so Jaehyun because he gets to reinvent himself, at least mentally. But this year he really wants to have a glow up; he wants to prove to himself that he is doing better. It was already the second week of January, and because the restaurant closed these two weeks, Jaehyun had a lot of time to make a lot of improvements on himself.

He went to upgrade his wardrobe with Jaemin and Jungwoo. Even if he thought that Mark and  Jeno dressed better, they insisted on going with him, that they really knew how to enhance his figure or something like that.

¨That is screaming hot sexy boy¨ Jungwoo says, nodding his head, approving the jeans Jaehyun just tried

¨For real, but also like… frat boy¨ Jaemin asks subtly

¨Jaemin I love you¨ Jungwoo says, hugging the younger

Jaehyun rolls his eyes because he just knows that he is going to end up with a headache.

But they get their job done and end up buying a lot of new clothes that Jaehyun must admit that he loves.

The second thing he wants to change is his hair, because it’s starting to get too long and brown is starting to bore him so much. So, because he doesn’t want to get too creative, he just gets it shorter on the sides, almost like in a mullet way, and dyes it black.

When Jeno sees him the next morning in the gym, he gets mad at Jaehyun because he copied him, and it was unfair that it looked better on him. Jaehyun just tells him that he looks like a twink, and that it’s not his fault that he is just too hot.

¨You couldn’t be a twink even if you tried¨ Jeno says, closing his locker ¨Jaehyun you literally have no ass¨

¨Whatever, talk to me when you have these arms¨ Jaehyun says, flexing his biceps way too much, because he is just tidying up his shoelaces

¨Been there, done that¨ Jeno scoffs ¨But it’s okay, you cannot be a twink and like twinks¨

And Jeno runs because he knows not to get Jaehyun angry at these early hours in the morning. But still, Jaehyun guesses his friend must be getting bored at his training, because it hadn’t even passed ten minutes when Jeno started another conversation.

¨How are you doing with Doyoung?¨

¨Fine¨ Jaehyun lies

It wasn’t fine, they talked twice during these two weeks.

The first time it was Jaehyun who approached him and wished him a happy 2025, but Doyoungs answer was only a heart and a smiley face, which made Jaehyun regret ever decision since he was born.

The second time was the next day, when they were supposed to go back to work again, but the restaurant was making a renovation on the façade, so they had two weeks free. Jaehyun admits he was a bit petty about it, and only replied with a nice. It hurts him seeing that message is the last one on their chat. And he doesn’t want to keep talking about the whole thing, so he just lies and tells Jeno everything is okey, praying that he doesn’t ask for anything more.

But Jaehyun, three days later, finds himself wishing the younger had asked him about more information, because that meant that Jaehyun would have thought about what to answer, but as always, Jaehyun couldn’t communicate with himself, so now, he was at the front door of the restaurant, feeling like an eternity has passed since he last saw Doyoung, and he feels like throwing up.

It was only less than three weeks ago, but Jaehyun feels like he is a new person (he dyed his hair and changed his wardrobe). He feels restless standing at the front of the bar, his leg hitting the pavement every millisecond. He knew he had got there way earlier, and he thought he was going to be able to open, but as they changed the façade, they changed the door too, so he didn’t have the keys anymore. So, he just sits on the stairs, waiting for someone to come.

And that someone obviously is Doyoung. He is walking slowly to the bar, and even if he looks really great in his dark jeans and white shirt, he can’t help but look at his face. He also looks like a new person, even if he just had the same haircut (which Jaehyun realizes he maybe also copied him, because Doyoung had way longer hair on his nape, but the shape of it wasn’t as clear as Jenos because Doyoung hair was so white, and he was pale too, so there wasn’t any kind of contrast. Jaehyun loved his hair and his skin anyways). He looks like he is humming a song, but the way he is walking is mesmerizing, like he is full of life.

Dandelion in the sky

Hard to see when the sun is in my eyes

Call it blind

The sunrays are coming through his hair, almost giving him an angel aura. He does look like a dandelion, like a tiny flower that grew out of a cement road, so strong yet so fragile. He can’t explain it, but there is already so much that he can’t explain about Doyoung, so Jaehyun just settles on that Doyoung is crazily attractive, and that it’s normal that he can’t stop looking at him. Even if the older is now standing in front of him with a toothy grin on his face.

¨Jung Jaehyun¨ he says ¨And I thought I would never see you again¨

¨Dramatic¨ Jaehyun says, but he is blushing. Did he miss him?

¨I missed you¨

Fuck.

Fuck goddamit Doyoung and his comments. His friendly comments, or flirty ones. Jaehyun couldn’t tell them apart anymore.

¨I missed you too¨ he slips. He knows he slips but the other started

¨I think we should re-schedule the whole breakfast thing, shouldn’t we?¨

Jaehyun nods and Doyoung hands him his arm, so Jaehyun can pull himself out of the stairs. They both share a warm hug, and Jaehyun swears he heard a tiny thank you from Doyoung, but as quick as he steps back, the other is already opening the door.

That night Jaehyun has one of the best of his nights, as he is joking endlessly with Doyoung, they are teasing each other constantly, and because it’s Friday, they end up closing close to six in the morning. Jaehyun would never admit it to the older, but he loves when they close super late because that only means good things such as spending more time together and maybe being able to do something after their shift. And this time Jaehyun gets the courage to ask but just because they have been both in such a good mood that he feels confident.

¨Do you want to grab breakfast?¨

Jaehyun asks when they are changing in the back store. Now they both get changed in front of the other and because they get to see each other more clearly than when they used to change in the claustrophobic bathroom (that Jaehyun kind of misses it because now Doyoung doesn’t sing at all when changing), Jaehyun is a bit worried because Doyoung was getting thinner, but he knew nothing badly was happening with him, at least food related, because the older kept enjoying it like always. Maybe it was just another bad habit, but Jaehyun wants to make sure that he is doing okay.

And maybe ask him out. On a friendly date, but just because he needs his friend back. Maybe it’s too dramatic of Jaehyun that he feels this way after only a couple of weeks with barely any contact, but right now he feels so drunk in happiness that a very small part of his brain is telling him that everything is possible, and that he should really just go for it.

¨Right now? I thought we said to re-schedule¨ Doyoung said, searching for something in his locker

¨Yeah but I mean, maybe we could-¨

¨I was joking Jaehyun, let’s go¨ Jaehyun scoffs and throws at him his dirty shirt, all sweaty from the shift ¨Ewwww¨ Doyoung says, taking it out his face and pinching his nose

They both laugh it out and clean a bit more until they close the bar. There is a moment of doubt of where should they go, but Doyoung takes out his car keys, dangling them, and Jaehyun think he is definitely going to get blind because he is glowing, his skin, his hair, his eyes, his keys… everything about Doyoung is shining so bright rightly into Jaehyun sight that he thinks he actually flinches, but at the same time smiles at him, excited that he could visit again Doyoung’s place.

This time, Doyoung can drive, and fucking hell he does. He gets there under twenty minutes, without triggering any survival instincts that Jaehyun must have, but just because he feels at ease with him. It’s not only the leathery seats, the fresh ice mint air freshener or even the almost inaudible RnB music that Doyoung played when they got to the highway. It’s not only the feeling of getting down the apartment complex he visited months ago, the feeling of being in the same elevator, coming again to his stunning flat.

Maybe it’s because this time, he gets to help Doyoung cooking, and they decide to make some French toast (Jaehyun tries and Doyoung makes them) and they have some breakfast on his couch again. Jaehyun wishes he could stay there longer, talk longer and spend the day together. And it’s almost like he doesn’t need to air those thoughts out loud because, even if they finished their breakfast an hour ago, Jaehyun can’t stop listening to Doyoung talking about anecdotes about his time in Japan.

¨I swear Jaehyun, my room was smaller than yours¨

¨Don’t get me started there again Doyoung, because it’s not my room but my house¨ Jaehyun scoffs ¨Besides, I’m thinking about getting a new place¨

¨Really? How so?¨

¨Because with this job I am actually saving money¨ Jaehyun says, sipping on the water Doyoung brought him a couple minutes ago ¨I want to move but I don’t know what should I be looking for¨

¨What are you thinking? Maybe I can help you look for a place¨

¨I would love that, because I can’t be apartment-hunting by myself, I would just get whatever is bigger than my place right now¨ Jaehyun laughs ¨And all my friends usually have a busy morning, so I can’t really ask them¨

¨Then I can totally help you out! Besides, I love seeing houses and flats and-¨

¨That’s the thing, I don’t know what should I be looking for¨ Jaehyun sits straightly, trying to compose his thoughts ¨I don’t know if I should be looking for a flat, or an apartment or move a bit to the countryside and get a house, I don’t know if I’m going to get a pet, if I want a balcony or a garden, you know?¨

¨I understand, and I’m guessing you don’t have really a plan for the next… three years?¨ Doyoung asks him

¨Not really, I don’t even know what I will be doing next month¨ Jaehyun remembers ¨By the way, it’s going to be my birthday, 14^th of February¨

¨Your birthday is on Cupids’ day?¨ Doyoung asks him amusedly ¨That makes so much sense actually¨

Jaehyun tries and ignores the comment as he keeps on with his birthday plan ¨I was thinking about going on a weekend trip, like from the 12^th to the 14^th, but I don’t know if I can ask for free days at the bar¨

¨Of course you can, but I don’t think I will be able to tag alone¨ Doyoung tells him, with a hint of remorse ¨I really can’t take the same days off¨

¨Fuck really?¨ Jaehyun feels dumb because he hadn’t even thought about it ¨Then I don’t know, maybe I can do something more casual¨

¨don’t be stupid! Go on the weekend trip, we can celebrate after¨

¨But I really want you to come¨

¨Then we can make something together, my birthday is on the 10^th of February, so maybe that day we can celebrate together¨

¨I didn’t know!¨ Jaehyun says, hitting Doyoung’s shoulder playfully ¨Then we should do something together, at 100%¨

¨Seems nice, you can bring your friends if you want¨

¨Are you really sure about it?¨

¨Yuta is already going to come, and I guess that means Taeyong is also going to come¨ Doyoung stands up to start cleaning the empty dishes and mugs ¨So you can bring the rest of them already. At least Jeno, I really like him¨

¨I will tell him¨ Jaehyun tries to help, but Doyoung shakes his head

¨You can grab some clean clothes from my closet, and you can find the toothbrush you used last time in the guest bathroom, so go and take a shower, I need to finish something in the office before sleeping¨

Jaehyun knows him, and he knows it’s going to be useless trying to change his mind, so he doesn’t. He goes to his room as he told him, not surprising himself that Doyoung sleeps in the most amazing room he had ever seen. Not because it’s bigger than most of the apartments he had already been checking out, but because the same floor to ceiling windows that he has on his kitchen, they now have a whole different vibe here. You could see Seoul from afar, but the sunrise was so bright you could almost think it was inside his room. The sheets are neatly tucked and now the whole orange perfume is even stronger. His closets are comfortably aligned with the wall, making it quite hard to find them. But he opens a couple of drawers until he finds a pajama set. On his way to the bathroom, he sees Doyoung looking deeply at his computer, with another pair of glasses that he never wore in front of Jaehyun before. They are thicker, framing his face a little more. Jaehyun just wants to drop the clothes and hold and kiss his face until his lips ache.

He showers quickly so he can already go to sleep, but when he gets again into the guest bed, he feels weirdly domestic about the whole situation. It wasn’t his first time getting clothes from his hookups (or girlfriends) that were a little bit too tight on him (last time Doyoung picked the clothes, so they fitted better, but Jaehyun this time just took a pajama set that wasn’t reaching his ankles and a t-shirt that, even worn out, was a bit tight for sleeping. It wasn’t the first time for him doing a lot of things with Doyoung, and maybe that’s why he felt like he knew him his whole life, but still, he wanted to keep on knowing him.

-

For Doyoung’s birthday they go to Panyari to play golf. It’s almost a three-hour drive, but Jaehyun doesn’t mind because he got to share a car with Doyoung. They did some carpooling in Seoul, and Doyoung chose to drive Jaehyun, Taeyong and Jeno to the place, so his other friends, Donghyuck, Déjùn and Yuta, can also share a car between them. Doyoung didn’t want anyone to be uncomfortable and he sure thought that a three-hour drive without even saying hi to each other was going to be a pain in the ass.

¨I should have traded you with Yuta¨ Doyoung scoffs, switching the song for the fifth time in three minutes ¨You are going to make me hate DAY6¨

¨Been there, done that¨ Taeyong says

¨Okay, just the last one¨ Jaehyun begs, because he really needs to listen days gone by one more time

¨Just one¨ Doyoung says ¨And add to the queue IGLOO by millic and clubeskimo¨

¨What? What bullshit is that?¨ Jeno asks, but Jaehyun would swear that he was falling asleep

¨How do you know clubeskimo?¨ Jaehyun asks, clearly surprised

¨I know something or two about music too¨

Jaehyun hums happily, but just because the moment is asking for it. When his song ends, the beat for the song that Doyoung asked already started, and Jaehyun feels his throat dry because of the lyrics that are coming out of the car radio.

Fell in love with you first sight
Caught those feelings in my mind
All the things you ever did
you ever said I'll never forget

Jaehyun looks at Doyoung, like if maybe and only maybe, the older would look at him and answer every question that is running through his mind at the moment. But the older is focused on getting into the left lane, looking like he was racing against himself.

Wake up brilliant boy
The Sun rises here
Where do we go
From The Space

Jaehyun feels dizzy and lightheaded, and unlucky for him, he really doesn’t feel any better during the day, but just because every day he understands less the situation. One day he feels like Doyoung is going to cross the break room on the back store and kiss him fiercely just by the way he was looking at him, and other days Jaehyun feels like Doyoung just hangs out with him because he feels pity. For Jaehyun is extremely difficult to get his mind into solving this, because he is more afraid everyday it passes of the answer.

He feels relieved when he gets to the car back, and because Doyoung and Jeno seemed to be way deep into a conversation about fashion (Why Doyoung had a say in everything?), he didn’t bother to interrupt it and sat in the back of the car. He knew the situation was uncomfortable because Taeyong and Jeno looked at him rolling his eyes when Doyoung had to stop and refill gas, but he pretended he didn’t see them and just kept on looking by the window.

-

¨Jaehyun come here! It’s going to be twelve o clock any time now!¨ Jaemin yells at him

¨I’m going Jesus, wait!¨ Jaehyun answers from the front porch, finishing his smoke break

They went to a small village around Yeoju that Jaehyun couldn’t remember the name of at the moment, but maybe because they have been drinking since Friday morning. He asked for vacations like Doyoung told him, and even if at that moment he was sad that his friend couldn’t come on the trip, now he was more than happy.

He was tired of thinking and not getting anywhere, and Doyoung wasn’t even showing any kind of interest or care in him like he used to do months ago, so Jaehyun just assumed he lost his shot. But that was just the surface of everything that he was bottling up, and he was just thankful he didn’t have to be explaining shit to anyone on his birthday. He just wanted a calm day with his friends.

When he finished his cigarette, he got it inside the ashtray on the railway, because the house owner told them they couldn’t smoke inside. He thought it was understandable, but still, he froze is ass every time he needed his break.

He ran to the living room across the garden, separated from the house. It was a black container, decorated almost like it was a separate apartment, because it had its own bathroom, bed and kitchen. They decided that they were going to hang out in the living room there because it had better seats. Jaehyun obviously complained because he had already chosen that bed for the weekend and he wanted to switch, but the rest of the beds were already picked. His friends wouldn’t let him win even if was his birthday.

¨You seriously need to stop smoking¨ Jungwoo says as he grabs Jaehyun hands when he sat next to him ¨You can’t go outside every time you need a smoke Jaehyun, its fucking freezing outside¨

¨And you are just two minutes away from being twenty-six, so I would be extra careful with my choices from now on dude¨

¨Go to hell you both¨ Jaehyun scoffs, but he doesn’t let go Jungwoo’s hand because they were extremely warm ¨You are the main reason of why I smoke¨

¨Don’t say bullshit¨ Taeyong mumbles ¨If that was the reason I would be the first one smoking¨

They laugh at their dramatism and Jaehyun can’t help it. They are obviously not the reason he smokes, he knows for a fact it was his miserable self after the breakup, because even if his heart beat faster than it should whenever he was smoking, at that time, it was the only thing that kept him grounded. Now he just did it because he had an addiction, it was obvious, but he didn’t want to get his hands dirty on trying to stop it, because sometimes he found some calmness in just smoking, even if he knows he should, he sometimes feels better.

He guesses it something he would have to get over in the next years, but as his friends do some countdown to his birthday and he blows a couple of cheap candles out, he is just thankful he has people in his life that worry about him, about if he is smoking too much or eating too little.

¨Should we give you your presents now?¨ Mark asks after everyone hugged and kissed Jaehyun

¨Noo¨ Jeno says, almost whining ¨I want to go out and play some football, some basketball¨

¨But it’s not your birthday¨ Taeyong says, shutting him up almost literally, because he grabbed him and placed his hand on top of his mouth ¨What do you want to do Jaehyun?¨

¨We can open them tomorrow; I want to go out as well¨ Jaehyun admits

¨But tomorrow Mark and I have to go¨ Jungwoo says ¨We can’t stay until the afternoon¨

¨Then tomorrow morning we can go and have a nice breakfast and give him the gifts¨

Everyone agrees with Taeyong, so they decide to go out. They visited a small bar in a village only ten minutes by walking, that opened until 2 am, so for them it was more than enough time to get a bit tipsy while playing some cards and then coming back to the house to keep on drinking.

Even if it’s freezing cold, they sit on the terrace, close to a heater, but just because Jaehyun wants to smoke, and it’s his birthday. When they are about to go, Jaemin suddenly covers his eyes, everyone giggling at his gesture.

¨I think we should give him one present now, ain’t that right?¨ he asks with the weirdest of his accents

¨Yessir¨ Jeno says drunkenly, Jaehyun can’t see him, but he can clearly hear him

¨Jaehyun count to ten¨

¨One, two, three-¨

¨Slower¨ Jungwoo hits him, and Jaehyun flinches because he didn’t see that coming

¨Fooour, fiiiiiveeee, siiiiix-¨ Jaehyun teases everyone

¨Whatever¨ Jaemin gives up and uncover his eyes

He looks at the small table in front of them, full of cards, empty shot glasses and a full ashtray, but he doesn’t see anything. He looks at his friends, but they are all looking past him, so he turns. And he sees Doyoung.

He is standing there with a  duffle bag, smiling, covered in a full snow jacket and a big scarf. He knows it’s Doyoung because he can smell him, he can see the spark in his eyes, not because he is recognizable under all that winter clothes.

¨Surprise!¨ Jeno announces, trying to lighten up the mood ¨Its Doyoung!¨

¨I can see him¨ Jaehyun clears his voice and stands up, hugging Doyoung awkwardly ¨Thank you for coming¨

¨Your friends uhm-¨ he starts talking and Jaehyun knows he is uncomfortable ¨they invited me for today, I hope it’s not an inconvenience¨

¨What about the bar?¨

¨I left Donghyuck over there, I came as soon as I could¨ Doyoung asks Jungwoo, who tried to stablish a conversation with him, grabbing a chair for him ¨Thank you again for inviting me¨

¨Did you bring your car? You look cold and our place is like ten minutes walking¨

¨Yes, I parked right behind this¨ the waiter brings the bill and Doyoung looks confused ¨You guys were already leaving?¨

¨Yes but don’t worry¨ Jaemin intervenes quickly ¨We are going to keep drinking until one of us passes out. Yesterday it was Mark¨

Mark shakes his head, embarrassed.

Jaehyun wants to laugh with his friends, but he is mad. He is way too mad at his friends for this surprise, because he didn’t want Doyoung here. But now is obviously too late. And even if he got here a minute ago, he stands up and goes inside to pay the bill, meanwhile all his friends beg him to not pay because he didn’t drink anything, but he says that he is going to accept their drinks in their place and only they are even after that.

Jaehyun rolls his eyes because he is playing too nicely. He starts walking back home, and he knows he looks like he is throwing a tantrum, because his other tantrum-thrower friend, Jeno, follows him clumsily.

¨Jae are you okay?¨ He asks when he reaches Jaehyun, adapting his sudden run to his pace ¨Are you mad with us?¨ but Jaehyun doesn’t answer ¨We thought you wanted him to come, you told us¨

¨That was three weeks ago¨

¨And what happened?¨

Jaehyun can’t answer him because he doesn’t know. They hear a car over their path, and he knows it’s Doyoung, everyone else inside his car with him.

¨We are going to get there first¨ Jungwoo says as he rolls his window down ¨We will  be getting the beers in the freezer¨

¨Niceeee¨ Jeno says, with thumbs up

The car picks up the pace and goes again, and Jaehyun feels already dizzy because he can’t stop rolling his eyes. The ten-minute walk feels like a two-hour trip on a public bus because Jeno can’t stop tripping, and he is giving a TED Talk on ¨Why Jaemin is weirder than we think¨ ; key points on We don’t know him like he does, and he is freaky. Jaehyun wants to hit him, not because he doesn’t need to know those kinds of things (that’s another topic) but just because he doesn’t want to hear about anything than involves loving or dating, or even showing some affection to another human being.

But he’s Jeno, and he is happy, so Jaehyun tries and listens, in case he gets some happy vibes from him. But he only gets grumpier, stomping his way inside the rented house.

¨Jaehyun wait¨ Mark says to him before he steps on the porch ¨Doyoung is waiting for you in the car, he said he needed his help with something¨

¨and couldn’t any of you help him?¨

¨I don’t know dude, just go¨

Jaehyun turns and gets to his new task, hearing Mark mumbling something about what’s the matter with him. And Jaehyun wants to slap him and tell him to mind his own business, but he knows it’s his fault that Doyoung is here, because he hadn’t told anyone that he likes him, and that he feels helplessly falling in love with him.

¨Tell me¨ Jaehyun says drily when he gets to Doyoung’s parked car, he is just leaning over the front door

¨I am going to go, I just wanted to give you your present¨ He says to Jaehyun in a such a thin voice Jaehyun couldn’t almost hear him

¨Why are you going?¨

¨Because you clearly don’t want me here and I don’t want to ruin your birthday, if I didn’t already¨

Doyoung tries to open the back door, but Jaehyun stops him. He doesn’t know when exactly he moved his hand over the older wrist, but now they were facing each other very closely. Jaehyun sees how Doyoung’s Adam apple jumps in his throat, like holding up a cry. He can’t confirm that because he is trying way too hard to not look at him.

¨I want you here¨ Jaehyun says, and he instinctively wraps himself around Doyoung ¨I’m sorry, I do want you here¨

¨Okay¨ Doyoung whispers, and Jaehyun only listens to him because they are embraced in each other

¨But I think I want to talk to you, about something¨ Jaehyun waits for Doyoung, but he just hums, waiting for him to finish his answer. At the same time, he can feel his hand on the small of his back, circling soothing movements that just makes Jaehyun want to be completely honest with him ¨Can we? Talk?¨

¨We can¨

We'll be great either way

That is the only thing Jaehyun can think about it, because he is going to fight for it. Now he had Doyoung so close that he couldn’t let go of him, he just couldn’t. Now it didn’t matter if they weren’t anything serious, if they were going to be friends, coworkers, Jaehyun just wanted him close. He could work around any answer the older was willing to give him, they just needed to be.

Chapter Text

And because he wanted him close, he needed to do that. They needed to talk. Jaehyun is not sure at all about what he is going to tell him because maybe rushing into the whole "I am in love with you" thing is a bit sudden. And honestly, he is not in love with him, but just yet. Jaehyun doesn’t have an angel and a devil on his shoulders. He has never been the one who analyzes the situation, knowing it will consume him.

But with Doyoung, it didn’t matter if he got down to ashes to comprehend his brain. He needed to know what was happening, and more importantly, where the other head was because it would be a hundred percent easier if Doyoung would just tell him that he was in love with him too and that they would be forever together. But that is not going to happen, at least right now, standing next to his car.

¨Do you want to come inside and talk?¨

¨Whatever you want Jaehyun¨

He helps with the duffel bag in the backseat, even if it's not too heavy, it seems like the right thing to do. When they cross through the house, they can't find anyone because they are all on the porch. He guesses they left them in Jaehyun’s container-room to talk, and he smiles at them.

When they are inside, he leaves the bag on the floor and looks around, not knowing really what he should do now. His stomach is all in knots, he thinks he might be visibly trembling, but he prays that Doyoung thinks it’s because of the cold; it might be like that because he closes the doors after entering the container too.

¨Is this your room for the weekend?¨ the older asks, trying to set a more friendly mood ¨It looks cool, but also cold¨

¨It is, do you want to go to another place?¨ Jaehyun says too quickly

¨I’m okay here if you are¨

They both nod awkwardly and Jaehyun can't help but laugh, he has never been good at handling these kinds of encounters, and it's not easier with Doyoung. At least that’s what he thought because the older chuckles a bit, sitting on the couch he was sitting on with his friends, a couple of hours ago.

¨So, first of all, thank you for coming here, Doyoung, I really appreciate it¨

¨It didn’t look like that; you almost ran out of the bar¨

¨I know, I’m sorry about that¨ Jaehyun admits because it’s the truth ¨I know it must have taken you a long coming here, and it’s so late, so thank you very much¨

¨But did you want me here? Or Jeno just made that up¨

¨I honestly did not¨

They both stare at each other, but this time they are not laughing. He knows he should have said something to  Jeno about the whole situation because the last time they spoke about it they were both talking about whether Jeno should ask Jaemin out, and Jaehyun just covered up his feelings as some sort of FOMO. Maybe his friend should have asked for more, but he was already way too overwhelmed with the whole Jaemin situation. Maybe Jeno wanted Jaehyun to figure it out by himself, not wanting to intervene in his feelings.

¨Then why did Jeno tell me that you wanted me here?¨

¨Because I don’t know how to communicate¨ Jaehyun sits straighter ¨We had a conversation a couple months ago-¨

¨Jaehyun stop scratching your nose¨ Doyoung points at his face, embarrassment coming all over it after his nagging

¨Sorry¨ Jaehyun mutters ¨So, uhm, as I was saying-¨

¨Sorry for interrupting you, I just didn’t want you to get hurt¨

Doyoung sheepishly smiled at him, and Jaehyun’s mind got back on track with his monologue. He has to thank the alcohol because even if the words are not making complete sense in his head, he doesn’t feel too ashamed of airing them, even if the subject of all his headaches is right in front of him, his face all red because of the cold.

Jaehyun didn’t realize until now that the older had removed every piece of heavy clothing that he was wearing, now just dressed in some baggy jeans and a very big, knitted sweater over him, with a matching beanie. Some of his hair was showing and Jaehyun felt again like having breakfast in his house. He didn’t want to get going with the conversation because he knew it would do some irreparable damage to their relationship.

¨It’s okay¨ He finally picked up the pace ¨The thing is Doyoung, I don’t think how much of my last relationship I told you, but well. We broke up exactly two years ago, well, she broke up with me. I had the worst year of my life, you can ask anyone, I was miserable. The only thing I did was work and sleep ¨ Jaehyun looked up from his hands to Doyoung's face, in case he was boring him, but Doyoung came even closer to him and he was listening to every word he was saying ¨I had a very hard time admitting everything I did wrong during our time together and after that because as you can see, I am not the best at handling my emotions. The fact that I am really able to keep this conversation going without just recriminating some unfair things to you is just a work in progress that I have been making¨

He feels like he needs to stop and breathe while Doyoung keeps nodding, encouraging him. A part of Jaehyun wishes Doyoung would just start a fight with him so he could stop being so vulnerable, but he knows him, and he is not going to say anything unless he is finished.

¨That year I isolated myself a lot, but this past year I have been trying to change it. My friends did most of the job, mainly Jeno, even if he seems as empty-head as me, sometimes we just connect too well and understand each other like no one does¨ Jaehyun gulps, but he doesn’t want to stop talking. Right now, he has the momentum, the soju-vodka momentum, and he can't let it go to waste ¨A couple of months ago Jeno told me he wanted to ask Jaemin out¨

Doyoung gasped visibly, and Jaehyun frowned a bit because he thought he talked about both of them dating.

¨Sorry, I thought I told you that they were dating¨ Jaehyun smiles, trying to not look too guilty

¨It’s okay, I could tell by the way Jaemin was talking about him in the car, still, I was shocked to hear it¨

¨Understandable…¨ Jaehyun nods slowly, and he starts fidgeting with his hands again ¨So Jeno came to my house and told me about Jaemin, and the whole we are more than friends thing. I was so confused about this because that never happened to me¨ Jaehyun felt his throat closing at what happened because he now knew it was not true ¨Until now¨

He looks at Doyoung, trying to get some strength to keep talking. He could see Doyoung’s eyebrows slightly tilted, but his lips were curving at the edges, which made Jaehyun breathe loudly. He takes it as his cue to keep on.

¨I had a very hard time understanding it, but just because I was scared. I was so scared about trying to get in on with my thoughts, and Jeno was talking just too fondly of Jaemin that everything had a setback on my mind after that. I didn’t want to go back to feeling everything again, but just because I don’t know if I'm already healed after my last relationship. That’s a big part of who I am right now and what I am going through, but the other big part is you¨

Jaehyun is just spitting every word that crosses his brain, he can't even think about if those are the most accurate ones, but he is just opening himself. His chest aches a bit because the air feels too heavy and his heart is beating way too fast, but at the same time, the pain he is feeling is nothing compared with the warmth that he can suddenly feel from Doyoung’s hands, which are wrapping his own.

¨These past months, weeks, days, whatever, I felt those words Jeno spoke to me about. I felt them really, really hard that I couldn’t hold them anymore. Every day I got to spend with you was one step forward but three steps back; I was just so happy about just being with you, but every day it was harder Doyoung, because I couldn’t hold anymore these words, these feelings. I was choking in them, almost like I am doing right now¨ Jaehyun tries to stop talking, but he wants to get this over with ¨I know this is a lot and I am really sorry for bringing everything up, but that’s why I didn’t want you to come, or even see you more than I should. I'm sorry, it was stupid of me, but I don’t know better, I promise¨

Jaehyun gets a bit closer and hugs Doyoung, who comes closer and closer every minute he spends talking. It was a fast hug, but just because he still felt like suffocating a bit.

¨Thank you for telling me this and bringing this up first¨ Doyoung said as fast as they separated ¨It really means a lot to me that you want to talk about this. I think it’s my turn to be honest with you, right?¨

¨Only if you wanted. I don’t expect anything in return, I just really wanted to tell you how I felt, in case you didn’t want to, I don’t know, maybe you didn’t-¨

¨It’s nothing like that, I promise¨ Doyoung is the one that backs down now ¨For me it's very confusing too, but just because as you can know by now, I have some hard experiences with certain things. They look like they are not related but for me, it's just a big, big thing that I need to get over, you know?¨

Jaehyun nods because even if he doesn’t understand Doyoung, he knows what he is talking about: his whole aversion to smoking and its smell, the whole scent of things and candles. The last thing he learned about this was when he got locked in his bathroom by mistake. Doyoung had a huge mental breakdown and didn’t want to get close to Jaehyun at all, he even had to remove his clothes so he could hold him.

For Jaehyun this was very overwhelming, and it was something he wanted to discuss with Doyoung, but he trusted that he was going to be open about it when he wanted, and in the meanwhile, he could get his head with it and try to be helpful to his friend.

 ¨I am going to be honest Jaehyun, I like you¨ Doyoung starts again, and Jaehyun has to focus way too much on himself, so he doesn’t jump onto Doyoung and kiss him

¨I like you too¨ Jaehyun admits because the older didn’t say anything after, like waiting for a confirmation ¨I thought I was being pretty clear¨

¨Yes you were, and me too. I think that’s the worst part¨

Doyoung stays silent for a second, and Jaehyun sees that he is having a hard time continuing to talk. He wants to comfort him, but he doesn’t know how to, he doesn’t want to overwhelm him. He just wants to support him, so he tries the same approach the older did, grabbing his hand slightly and nodding, smiling softly. That seems to do the trick because Doyoung keeps talking.

¨We both know what we want, but we are not ready, or at least me. I need to learn how to trust you in my terms Jaehyun, I really do, because I will never be myself with you if I keep on lying to me about a lot of things. I know this sounds kind of vague, but I can't really explain myself better right now¨

¨But I want to try, please. We have all the time in the world¨

¨I know, okay, let me try¨ Doyoung straightened himself on the sofa and cracked his knuckles, trying to get his head straight ¨Jaehyun we can’t be together right now, and deep down, you know it too. And before you ask me why, because I can already see your hand going again to the bridge of your nose¨ Jaehyun scoffs and holds Doyoung's hands again, trying to not scratch anything in his face ¨We don’t know each other, at least not like I want to know you. We haven’t had too many talks that we need to have, and I think we are both in difficult places with ourselves-¨

¨I think I get what you are trying to say¨

Jaehyun can’t help but interrupt Doyoung, because he could sense how the older was talking faster and faster every time, and he couldn’t comprehend everything that was happening. It was true that the talk had gone better than he thought, because Doyoung actually liked him, but all for what? They weren’t going to be together, and Jaehyun thought it was stupid that they both wanted something but neither of them did it.

¨Tell me what you are thinking, I can see smoke coming out of your brain¨

¨I think it’s nonsense that we can’t try this thing out¨

¨I don’t think it’s stupid, I think it's very reasonable actually¨ Doyoung seemed now a bit mad with his response ¨I don’t want to start something out that I am not sure about what I feel about it yet, you know?¨

¨But you just said you like me? And I like you back? So, I am not getting this¨

¨Jaehyun I am just saying that it is better to wait until both of us are in a better place¨

¨And when is it going to be? Because I am doing way better already so-¨

¨Jaehyun Jesus! I am telling you I don’t want to go out with you right now because I need to sort out a lot of fucking things! Don’t you get it?¨ Doyoung snapped at Jaehyun

He quickly let go of his hands because he doesn’t know how to react when people yell at him, even if he is prone to yelling too. But he didn’t expect it from Doyoung. The older snaps so hard that he can see his friends turning their faces over to the container-room. He feels embarrassed, as if he was a little kid asking for TV time, but he didn’t finish his homework. He feels so collapsed that he starts to cry.

¨Oh my god I'm so sorry Jaehyun¨ Doyoung comes closer to him, embracing his shoulders ¨I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have talked to you like this, I am sorry¨

¨It’s okay, it's just that I really don’t understand it and it makes me feel stupid. You are asking me if I get it like it’s the simplest thing ever, but I just don’t get it and I feel like I will never get it¨

¨I’m sorry Jaehyun, I'm really impatient even if I don’t look like it, I shouldn't assume that people think like me all the time, I'm sorry¨ Doyoung reassures him ¨Maybe you are ready to start a whole point in your life, but I am not, so I am asking you to wait for me. I don’t know how much, and I totally get if you don’t want to wait, but-¨

¨I want to wait¨

Jaehyun cuts him because he can’t imagine not waiting for him. He is going to have a hard time getting his head around it, but he rather have Doyoung by his side and wait for him than not have him at all. And even if they need to clarify a couple of things, they have spent way too much time already away from his friends and he wants to keep enjoying his birthday, so they decide to tag along. They drink and play some cards, truth or dare and even a round of crazy shots, and even if they don’t get completely wasted like they promised Doyoung, they get tipsy enough that they don’t realize how fast time passes, they spend time on the porch until is already morning.

Before Mark and Jungwoo start packing his things, they give Jaehyun his birthday present: another bunny plushie and a bunch of clothing items, such as a new pair of sneakers, some cool t-shirts, a fanny pack, and a pair of very fancy sunglasses.

¨We heard that you were upgrading your clothes¨ Taeyong says

¨It is true, and this is exactly what I needed¨  He says, grabbing the plushie

¨You should name it-¨

¨Stop, fucking stop with naming my plushies Jaemin¨

¨Your bunny has a name?¨ Doyoung asks

¨Oh it does, his name is Nana¨ Jeno intervenes

¨His name is Yuno¨

¨And why Nana and why Yuno?¨

¨Nana because of me¨ Jaemin points to himself ¨I’m Na Jaemin, nice to meet you¨

Jaemin extends his hand and Doyoung shakes it with a loud laugh.

¨And Yuno because of him¨ Taeyong says, pointing at Jaehyun ¨His alter ego¨

¨It’s not my alter ego it is literally my other name, something completely normal¨ Jaehyun tries to defend himself, because all his friends start to laugh at him

¨You have a bunch of names, that’s not normal¨ Jungwoo stops him ¨Listen Doyoung, when he was born his parents named him Jeong Jaehyun. When he moved to the United States, he changed his name to Jay Jeong, you know, because American people can't just pronounce anything that is not Avery or Nick¨ Jungwoo turns to Mark and pouts ¨No offense¨

¨None taken, I’m proudly Canadian ¨

¨Same shit different shape¨ Jaemin says, but he instantly runs because Mark takes offense at that

¨So, we have already two names¨ Jungwoo says, making a V with his left hand ¨And then, at some point in his indie adolescence, he changed it to Jung Yoon Oh¨

¨It wasn’t because I was indie it was because-¨

¨Whatever dude¨ Mark says after throwing himself to one of the couches on the porch, already giving up on running after Jaemin

¨So what should I call you?¨ Doyoung asks, clearly teasing him

Jaehyun wants to answer him that he can call him whatever he wants to, but that wouldn’t be exactly waiting for anything, so he just settles ¨Jaehyun¨ He says

¨Yuno¨ Jaemin answers, panting beside Jeno as he tries to compose himself after all the running

¨Jae¨ Jeno says

¨Jung¨ Taeyong and Mark say at the same time, high fiving then after

And the thing is everyone answers at the same time, so Doyoung can't help but nod ¨Got it¨

They exchange soft laughs and say goodbye to Mark and Jungwoo. They are obviously going to get some sleep before they go, but everyone is probably going to keep sleeping after they go, so they already say goodbye to each other. Doyoung takes Jaehyun's presents to his room because he needs to take his duffle bag to another room.

¨I am going to be leaving this¨ Doyoung says as he takes a couple of boxes down, near the sofa they were sitting on earlier that night ¨Do you know what room is available? I really don’t want to walk on Jeno and Jaemin having sex¨

¨Understandable, but also, there are none left. I know this sounds very cliché, but the only available spot is sharing this bed¨

¨Are you kidding me? You and your friends really invited me to a birthday, knowing the birthday boy didn’t want me here and now I have to share a bed with him?¨

¨Stop whining¨ Jaehyun says boldly, clearly being tipsy ¨this bed is bigger than my whole apartment¨

¨I doubt that, but it does look very comfy¨

¨Doyoung don’t act awkward now please, that’s the only thing I am going to ask you¨

¨I was joking Jaehyun¨ Jaehyun opens his eyes slightly just to see how Doyoung is rolling his ¨I am going to get changed¨

¨Perfect, I can’t promise that I won't be sleeping when you come out. I am going to get changed here if you don’t mind¨

¨It’s okay¨

And it is, because they have been changing in front of each other for weeks now at the bar, so it would be very hypocritical for them to act like they didn’t know each other that well now. Jaehyun does as he tells, and gets changed into some sweatpants and a hoodie, and gets tucked quickly into his bed, hugging his plushie. He doesn’t see Doyoung when he comes out of the bathroom, but he can definitely feel the weight of him on the mattress, even if it's so light, Jaehyun feels him. He wants to turn around and hug him so badly. The need to have him close is making him feel dizzy, not like the last time they shared a bed, because at that time Jaehyun didn’t know that Doyoung liked him too, and even if he didn’t understand why they couldn’t get close, he stays. But his feet are getting slowly to the middle of the bed, shy under the heavy covers and blankets.

To his surprise, Doyoung’s foot was making the same path. When both feet get to touch each other, they both freeze, not wanting to cut the moment, the encounter they both looked for. Instead, they both fall asleep in minutes, just touching each other’s body by a couple of centimeters.

-

¨I don’t think we should still go apartment hunting together¨ Jaehyun says to Jungwoo.

They were both having breakfast at a cafeteria near Jungwoo's office, updating him on everything about Doyoung. His best friend was obviously hurt that Jeno knew before, but he just excused it as both gay dummies falling in love with their friends.

¨Im nt inlove wifhim¨ Jaehyun mumbles between bites of his cinnamon roll

¨Whatever, I can't understand you because you are an animal, so I will take that as a yes¨ Jungwoo says, cutting his sandwich with some utensils ¨And why do you say that about the apartment hunting? You told me has been living on his own for quite a while, I'm sure he knows a thing or two about looking for a place to stay¨

¨Because it's going to be weird as hell¨ Jaehyun says when he finally swallows his monster-size bite ¨We will look like a couple wanting to move in together¨

¨So? Maybe they even trust you even more if you bring him along, he looks really professional¨

¨Stop simping about Doyoung¨

¨Okay, I didn’t know someone could be jealous of someone who wasn’t your boyfriend, I guess I was wrong¨ Jungwoo shrugs, teasing Jaehyun

And Jaehyun feels teased, but just because Jungwoo is so right. He doesn’t have the right to feel jealous towards Doyoung. They were still in need of having more conversations, but at least they tried to compose their feelings to each other and they were now on the same page, at least of knowledge. Jaehyun was still feeling very unsure of everything, but he didn’t want to ask Doyoung again. He really wanted to understand the whole situation by himself.

¨Whatever, but I really think I am going to tell him not to come tomorrow, I think it's going to be very weird¨

¨You are not going to cancel on him because you are too whipped already. This is going to hit you in the face in a couple of months Jaehyun, I am telling you¨

Jaehyun rolls his eyes and takes his phone out to text Doyoung. But he doesn’t.

-

¨This kitchen is way too small for you¨ Doyoung says, pointing at the really small counter by the wall

¨I know but the room is very nice, and I don’t cook that much¨ Jaehyun points out

¨But because your kitchen is really small too, I bet you could enjoy cooking way more if you had a nicer place, and this is definitely not it¨

¨But the room-¨

Jaehyun pouts at Doyoung, but the older is just shaking his head softly, eyes closed so he can’t really see how he is trying to convince him. That makes Jaehyun smile, and thankful that he can’t really see how smiley he can get just by looking at him.

-

¨Jaehyun you don’t need four rooms¨ Doyoung says the next week, seeing an apartment in one of the most centric locations they have been working with

¨But I love it when my friends stay over¨

¨But that is definitely not going to be every day¨ Doyoung paces around what seems to be yet another room ¨Besides, a couple of those rooms don’t even have windows,… I think this place is illegal¨

¨Didn’t know you studied architecture¨

¨I don’t, but Déjùn did¨

¨And you graded him?¨ Jaehyun teases from the second living room they entered ¨I could totally see you as an architecture professor, with your glasses and your knitted vests¨

¨I didn’t grade him, but you don’t have to be Mies Van der Rohe to know that you need at least one window to make a cell into a room¨

-

¨I think we shouldn’t even be inside this one after all the stairs we had to literally climb to get here¨

Jaehyun knows it's true, but he is starting to get a bit tired of what Doyoung might say about his future house. It's not only weird for him that they spend almost all the time together; because they spend almost three days a week looking for flats around Seoul and they spend their whole afternoon nights together at the bar.

Jaehyun feels everything is going too fast, but at the same time, so stuck. They hug each other at the bar door whenever their shift ends, but they know they are going to see each other in three hours at some duplex in Wonhyoro.

He knows his patience is starting to get close to zero because, at this point, he can’t even argue with him. He can hear Jungwoo’s telling him you are not going to cancel on him because you are too whipped already and most important, this is going to hit you in the face in a couple of months Jaehyun, I am telling you. He wishes he could make a decision already about moving out, but every place he had seen, Doyoung had made it look like it was an even uglier rathole than his apartment.

¨Have you seen through this window? The other buildings' façade is so close I think you can ask each other for salt without having to walk down the street.  This is suffocating-¨

¨You are the one being suffocating right now¨ Jaehyun snaps

¨Sorry?¨

¨Nothing, I'm sorry¨

¨Why did you say that?¨

¨Because it is the truth?¨ Jaehyun turns to see him ¨We have been looking for someplace to stay for almost one month and a half and you haven’t said anything nice about either of them, always complaining about if it's too quiet, too far, or even too big. What is the matter with being too big? You live in a family apartment by yourself too, so I don’t understand the issue with that one¨

¨Exactly because I live in a family apartment by myself, I know how fucking lonely it can get¨ Doyoung answers, visibly hurt ¨I know it fucking sucks living far away, even if you always offer that they can stay over because sometimes it’s so fucking quiet I can't even sleep¨ Doyoung paces around the living room, looking for his shoes ¨I’m sorry if I just want you to make a good decision and not rush moving into a place in where you are going to live Jaehyun, to actually live¨

¨I’m sorry, I am too stressed looking-¨

¨It’s okay, I don’t want you to stress more with my unfair opinions, so I’m going to go. See you this afternoon¨

¨Oh come on Doyoung, don’t go¨

But Jaehyun can’t run after him, only because the apartment owner is waiting to keep on with the house tour. Jaehyun feels that now they do look like a real couple going to move on, but not like he wanted.

That afternoon he feels way too awful that he calls in sick. He knows it’s dumb to text him, to lie to him, because they have been together just some hours ago, but he can’t face him today.

jaehyun

i am feeling sick, i cant come today

doyoung :)

uhmm okay

take care

text me if you need anything, i mean it

Jaehyun rolls his eyes because he can't understand how Doyoung can treat him nicely even if they fought. He rolls over himself in his bed, and he already feels worse after texting him. He knows that feeling awful isn’t a good reason to not go to work, but if your manager/coworker is the guy you like, you both talked about how you like each other but you can’t be together, for some reason that you can't understand, for him, it is a fair reason.

But still, he cannot help but feel bad about his decisions, about his snapping this morning, and about not going to work. It was already too late to change his mind, but just because Doyoung is going to think that he lost his mind. He wants to cancel tomorrow's appointment to see yet another apartment, but that one was ridiculously cheap, and even if the owner didn’t send him as many photos as he would have liked, it was still worth a try.

He ordered some Chinese food and started reading a book, but he couldn’t get his head straight. He had an already very tiring day, so he went to sleep, hoping that tomorrow he would have a better day.

And something about Jaehyun is that whenever he has a fair number of bad things happening to him, he gets one big thing in front of his face. Sometimes it was the job opportunity, other times it was a very good afternoon with his friend, but this time it was the nicest apartment he had ever seen.

It's on the tenth floor, but the building has a couple of elevators, so he doesn’t worry too much about the steps. He guesses that, knowing him, the day after a leg day is going to be the day in which both elevators break, but he tries not to be too negative about it. At the front door, an old lady greets him, trying to bow but Jaehyun stops her, telling her that she doesn’t need to. The moment he steps inside, he feels something about the apartment.

Maybe it had something to do with the old woman resembling so much to one of his grandmothers, maybe it’s the fact that is midday and the sun is hitting the living room with a very natural force, like it is its own space. At the left of the entrance, there was a long kitchen with a door that opened to a semi-closed laundry and storage space. To the right, it was a living room with a proper dining table at the end of the room, with yet another door to an outside terrace. In front of the entrance, there was an L-shaped hall, at the right was one small room, at the left was one bathroom, and at the front of that hall was the main room, with a dresser and a bathroom on suite.

¨I didn’t have many images because my son is out of town, he is the one that handles the selling of the property, but he couldn’t come here on time, and I couldn’t find the pictures on my phone¨ the old lady says

¨It’s okay ma'am, really¨ Jaehyun bows again, trying not to be disrespectful ¨This place is beautiful¨

¨Thank you boy. My husband bought it for our children, but they all live abroad¨

¨And why don’t you live with your husband here?¨ Jaehyun asks, trying to chat with the woman

¨He passed away a few years ago, I am living with my sister¨ the woman confesses

¨I am so sorry ma'am¨

¨Oh don’t you worry, he was very sick, it was only a matter of time. I'm glad he had peace in his last days. But that is why I am selling this, as it's no longer usable for anyone in my family¨

¨I see, and I know I shouldn’t be the one telling you this but¨ Jaehyun clears his voice ¨This place is so cheap, with such good location and space, you could really sell it for way more¨

¨I know kid, it's just that my husband didn’t pay much for it, and I don’t want to make business out of my inheritance you know, it doesn’t feel right¨ she says, shaking her head slightly

Jaehyun smiles, feeling some tears in the corner of his eyes. That was exactly what Seulgi always told him whenever he asked her to rent the house and get a place closer to the university. He understood her as well as he was understanding the woman now, so he nodded, placing a hand on her shoulder.

¨It has been taking down by the advertising place but just because a lot of people email me and I don’t even know how it works, so they say it’s span or something like that. My son tries to manage it but sometimes he’s just too busy¨

¨Then I must be very lucky that you answered me¨ Jaehyun says, smiling at her

The old woman hits his arm playfully ¨Don’t flirt with me young boy, I will not sell you this place to you just because you are handsome¨

Jaehyun laughs and bows again as the woman says that he can now look at the apartment as he wishes. He makes again the same walkway that he made with the woman but without her explanations and little anecdotes, because now he is imagining his future there.

He can clearly see Jaemin cooking some soup in winter and Jeno and him just sitting at the counter bar, hitting each other until one of them would eventually falls of the stool. He could also see Taeyong cooking there, and maybe with Yuta so that he and Jungwoo could have a proper meal.

He could see Mark across the sofa, legs spread, snoring; then Sophia would come with him and tuck him in some blankets (that he now would need to buy) and cuddle next to him, not without taking some pictures because Mark can have a really ugly face when he’s napping.

He can see him and his friends celebrating anything in that living room, and if it was summer, on the terrace. He would now have a proper place to smoke, not just a chair next to a window.

He can see the small room transformed into a small studio, with maybe a bigger keyboard, a guitar, and his setup. He was already envisioning so many things, but something was missing. Or rather, someone. He couldn’t imagine all of the above scenarios without Doyoung sitting next to him and Jeno, without Doyoung also taking pictures of Mark sleeping, without Doyoung rolling his eyes at him every time he got out to smoke.

He could vividly see Doyoung sitting on a small sofa he would have in his studio, listening to him humming the same songs that he would play on the keyboard.

And maybe because that vision is so clear, he needs to talk to him. Right now.

Jaehyun takes out his phone and instantly FaceTimes him, and to his surprise, not even a couple of ringtones later, Doyoung appears on his screen, half asleep, squinting his eyes because he has no glasses on.

¨Jaehyun, is everything okay?¨

¨Doyoung I found the place; I found my future home¨

¨Really?¨ he can see Doyoung sitting in his bed, grabbing his glasses from the nightstand while he rubbed his eyes softly ¨Show it to me then¨

Jaehyun smiles eagerly and nods, showing him the rooms, the kitchen and the living room. He tells him about his ideas for decorating it, and he can see how Doyoung is definitely not agreeing with a lot of them, so Jaehyun thinks that maybe he could compromise and ask him for his help. Doyoung smiles through the whole videocall, pointing out nice, small details about some things that Jaehyun didn’t notice.

¨I love the hallway really, maybe it’s stupid but it doesn’t feel like a hallway at all, is more like a hinge space, constantly intervening with the house openings and close visuals¨

¨Okay you now sound like an Architecture professor¨ Jaehyun teases, getting his arms on the terrace railway, grabbing his phone really hard so he doesn’t drop it ¨Do you like it?¨

He asks him because he must know. Even if he’s scared of what he might say because Jaehyun couldn’t probably get a place if he knew Doyoung didn’t like it, and he very much loves this place, he has to ask. He must ask because, at the back of his brain, he sees Doyoung here with him.

Even if it’s not forever, even if it doesn’t happen, even if they stop being friends at this very moment, there is something inside Jaehyun that can’t let go of the whole Doyoung idea, and he was way too far into it that the only solution was to embrace it. So that’s why he needs to ask because he needs reassurance so he can cling to that idea.

¨I love it Jaehyun, I think it is perfect¨

Jaehyun breathes slowly, feeling relieved. He was feeling more than relieved, but right now that emotion was way too present in his chest that he couldn’t think of any other thing that surrounded him. He wishes he could hug Doyoung at the moment, but he glances again at the screen, and even if he knows he should ask first, he takes a screenshot because Doyoung just looks as happy and relieved as him, with a hint of pride in his sight. Jaehyun just needed this moment to last longer, but now he can at least look at it when he feels like it.

-

¨There is no way that was all of the shit you owned¨ Jungwoo said exhausted, panting with a hand on a wall, looking at the living room ¨A bed, four boxes of clothes, and some cutlery?¨

¨And a keyboard¨ Jaehyun points out, he knows he’s being optimistic, but how can he not?

He signed the papers this morning: he was going to live here for five years and then he could choose whether to finish buying the place or not. He got to this agreement with the old lady, because in the end, she seemed a bit sad about getting rid of it, and Jaehyun wasn’t feeling like getting a place forever, so this solution was a win-win situation for both of them.

After signing the papers, the old lady, Choi Minjeong, introduced him to a couple of neighbors that still lived in the building, all of them between the first and second floors. She also introduced him to a couple of store owners who filled the ground floor, some of them being the owner of the fish store and two sisters who owned the convenience store, now run by their sons. Jaehyun felt weirdly welcomed into this new world of his.

He called his parents when he was back at his apartment and agreed to meet them next week in his new apartment. Jaehyun didn’t have much time to see them in the past months, maybe because he was holding a bit of a grudge against his dad and the thing that he said to Jaehyun when he was heartbroken, but he now can see the whole situation with much more perspective, and he gets how protective he would get if the situation was reversed.

It was a weird sensation imagining himself with a son and having to help him with a broken heart, just because he didn’t know how to handle it himself, but he knew he would be there for anyone he cared about when the time arrived.

Now he was back at his place with Jungwoo, Jeno and Renjun, his Chinese model friend. Jaehyun wishes that Jeno would have brought Jaemin instead of Renjun because he couldn’t lift anything heavier than some boots, so he was a bit useless in this whole moving thing. But he helped move things around the house to make it seem brighter.

The old lady left a couple of pieces of furniture there, like the TV and the big red sofa, the stools in the kitchen, and every kitchen appliance. So, he didn’t need to just go and rush to the store so he could eat on an actual plate with a real glass, but he still needed to get everything else. Again, he was being too optimistic, but he couldn’t help it.

¨I don’t know why you needed three of us to move that¨ Jeno points at the boxes ¨Everything fit in my car, with the four of us inside¨

¨Already with the classism¨ Renjun said, sitting on the sofa ¨I love the place, really, it’s very demure¨

¨Demure? What does that even mean?¨ Jaehyun asks, frowning

¨Very cutesy, very demure¨ Renjun says as if he is making himself clearer

¨I told you he knows way more Korean than us¨ Jeno said, nodding proudly

¨But for real though, the doorman thought he was my brother¨ Jungwoo says, sitting next to Renjun

¨I would kill myself if I were your father¨ Jeno says, stretching himself, making them both laugh and Jaehyun silently agreeing

They spent another hour making plans about where and when to buy the remaining things that he still needed to make this house a home. It was a very overwhelming thing for Jaehyun, but just because there was something about the money that he spent on this whole thing that was scaring the shit out of him.

It was true that he already had been working in the bar for a while, and he had a lot of money saved from where he overworked himself into dissociation, but still, it was a scary move. A grown-up move, as he and Taeyong would probably say. But still, it was a shitload of money, at least for him, so even if it was a grown-up move, he was scared.

-

At the beginning of April, his house was starting already to look like a home, his home. He didn’t change much about the kitchen, but he tried to fill his fridge with cute magnets. He bought a new TV for the living room, a bunch of blankets. For the terrace, he bought some typical terrace furniture (a plastic coffee table and some matching chairs. Jaehyun liked to say matching chairs, but they were only black, as the table). His room still felt a bit empty because he didn’t have a lot of clothes to fill the walk-in closet, but he didn’t dislike it as he could see every piece of clothing he owned.

The room that changed the most was the little room, now his so-called studio. He had set up everything related to his creativity, every shelf filled with notebooks, music CDs and vinyl, a small couch and his desk, with his laptop and a very comfortable chair. He also set a couple of hangers so he could set up his keyboard and the brand-new guitar he had bought.

He spent his mornings there, composing music with his thoughts. He knew that sometimes he could get too carried away with the off-key singing, so he also set some acoustic insulation in some parts of the house, so he didn’t get to disturb so much the lovely neighbors he had.

So, this morning wasn’t any different, as Jaehyun was just playing the piano playfully while scrabbling something in his notebook.

Take it right from the start

Tell me who you are

Every piece of your heart

Every bruise and scar

Was every single word that he wrote in the past week dedicated to Doyoung? He didn’t know how to answer that. But he was okay with it because he was just waiting. Jaehyun tried not to think too much about the whole situation, even if sometimes at night he couldn’t sleep properly, sweating about the whole decision. There were days in which Jaehyun was grateful that they stayed as friends for now, because they could work together and grab a drink on Mondays, they could exchange some calls, some messages, and Jaehyun called him way too many times whenever he had a small inconvenience at his new home. He didn’t care if Doyoung thought he was stupid, Jaehyun just wanted to hear the older tell him how bad he was at doing laundry.

But there were other times, mostly when he and his friends went out and he saw how Jaemin looked at Jeno, how they were both living together, they both had their separate lives, but they were sharing it. Jeno had to travel way more this year than the previous ones, as he was getting promoted to bigger events, and Jaemin always went with him to whatever city he needed to be. It still amazed Jaehyun how Jaemin was able to do so many things with so many times.

There were other times when he just went out with Taeyong and Mark, and they couldn’t stop talking about their respective relationships. Jaehyun wanted to shut them up both, but at the same time he wanted to hear about them, he wanted to know how they were doing because he still needed a lot to learn about how to be in a relationship.

-

¨Remind me again why we agreed to do this¨ Mark rolled his eyes as he was getting his shoes off

¨Because it’s my birthday¨ Jeno shut him up

¨Fair enough¨

Jeno decided a couple of weeks ago that he really wanted to go ice skating for his birthday, and that they should play ice hockey while skating on the court. Everyone said no, very loudly, but because it was indeed his birthday, they felt bad when he believed that no one wanted to go with him (only Jaemin, of course) and they all agreed.

So now they were there, in the changing room of an ice-skating court, getting changed into ice hockey attire.

¨We should already divide ourselves into two teams so we can pick between the blue and red shirts¨ Taeyong added

¨True¨ Jaehyun said ¨Jeno you should be captain, choose another one¨

¨Jaemin¨ he quickly said

¨I thought you wanted him on your team?¨ Jungwoo asked confused

¨No way¨ Jeno shook his head quickly ¨I need to win him at something¨

¨This is not going to be it, but whatever you say babe¨ Jaemin accepts his fate by standing up from the bench and standing up next to him ¨Do you want to choose first?¨

¨Go ahead¨ Jeno says

¨Jaehyun¨ Jaemin quickly points at him, and Jaehyun jumps out next to him, hugging his friend

¨That’s not fair¨ Jeno whines

¨I asked you if you wanted to start¨ Jaemin smirked

¨Whatever, uhm¨ Jeno looked around the room ¨Renjun¨

¨Taeyong¨ Jaemin picks another

¨Oh come on already¨ Jeno whines again ¨We are going to lose already¨

¨Hey!¨ Renjun hits him in the arm ¨I’m literally right here¨

¨Sorry Junie¨ Jeno says as he hugs his friend ¨Doyoung¨

And why Doyoung was invited to Jenos birthday? Because Jeno and Doyoung both stated that they were friends, and they kept on inviting each other to lunch and drinks, even without inviting Jaehyun.

This wasn’t annoying to Jaehyun, because he loved that two of his friends from outside the group could actually be as close as them, but Jaehyun always wondered if they talked about them. And he couldn’t do as much as wonder, because whenever he asked Jeno, the younger would just tell him ¨Ask Doyoung¨, and when he indeed went to ask Doyoung, he would just say ¨ask Jeno¨.

So yeah, his friends were friends between them, and right now, they were both on the same team against Jaemin, Taeyong, and him.

¨Then Mark¨ Jamin says, picking the last member of his team ¨No offense Jungwoo, is just that he hosts a sports podcast, I know what he is capable of¨

¨And why didn’t you guys pick me first?¨ Mark frowned while going to his team

¨Because we love to tease you¨ Jaemin said

¨So that means¨ Jungwoo tried to summarize up this whole picking members thing ¨That is Jaemin, Jaehyun, Taeyong and Mark against Jeno, Renjun, Doyoung and me?¨

¨Yes, why?¨ Jaehyun asked him back, smiling from ear to ear

The question that Jungwoo was asking was pretty obvious: they were obviously going to lose. Not because the strongest of them there was Jeno, and he definitely couldn’t get defensive over anything, but also because Renjun, Doyoung and Jungwoo were very skinny, and they didn’t ever show any interest in any sports.

It’s not like Jaehyun was the best at playing them, but he usually watched them on TV from time to time, Taeyong was very enthusiastic about doing anything that involved physical contact and sweating, and Mark well, Jaemin already explained to them.

¨Nothing, nothing at all¨ Jungwoo tried not to look defeated already ¨Lets start?¨

They gave their all playing, not only because they were super competitive, but just because they needed to prove something to each other. Jaemin and Jeno were having a playful match, Jungwoo and Renjun tried to prove that they were really trying, same as Mark and Taeyong, but Mark was way aiming for a way too far fair game, pointing out a lot of rules and fouls.

But Jaehyun, and he is not very proud of this, wanted to prove how good he could be at something when he got his head in it. He really wanted Doyoung to think that he was the best at everything, it didn’t matter if it was at pouring some beer, cleaning a floor or cooking some stir-fried rice. It didn’t matter to him, he just wanted to be the best for him.

Except for driving, he really couldn’t get that done yet.

Even if the teams were clearly unfair, the match was getting neck to neck by the end of it, Jaemin’s team winning by only a couple of points. Renjun couldn’t handle a loss and wanted a rematch, but they didn’t have much more time left so they decided to schedule for next week.

After showering and getting back into their old clothes, they decided to go out and grab dinner, and later some drinks. They wanted to go to the Designer bar, but it was impossible to get in, so they decided to go after next week's match, losers would pay for the whole rounds. They ended up in an almost empty bar, because the rest of them were very crowded and they couldn’t even hear each other while talking.

They were trying to guess why the bar was empty because the music was nice and the vibe was not that bad, even if it was empty, but the moment they tried their drinks, they all knew. They were the hardest drinks they ever tried, with so much alcohol on them that you couldn’t get any hint of the soda or sugar in them. The fact that they all ordered something zesty made it way harder to swallow, and after the first drink they were all tipsy enough to not care about the flavor of it, so they ordered a second one.

¨I think this is enough¨ Taeyong said, finishing the leftovers of his drink in one gulp ¨Tomorrow I am going to have the hardest headache I had ever had ¨

¨We really need to stop hanging out on Mondays dudes¨ Mark said, playing with the couple of ices that didn’t get to melt ¨It makes me feel like an alcoholic getting this wasted the first day of the week¨

¨It's not my fault that is my only day off¨ Jaehyun says ¨I will talk to my manager about it¨

¨You should, maybe he can finally fire you¨ Doyoung nodded proudly ¨I’ve been hearing he has been wanting to get rid of you for a while now¨

¨I can imagine¨ Jaemin agrees with him, shaking his hand  ¨I have never seen anyone that would pour as much liquid out the cup as inside of it, it was really fascinating¨

Everyone laughed as hard as they could, almost not letting Jaemin finish talking, but he was laughing way too much too. The conversation switched to how clumsy Jaehyun was, and everyone had a say on it. He tried to switch it to the rest of them, but they only got to Jeno too, so they both just accepted their fate. Eventually, as Taeyong said, they decided to wrap it up for today.

Mark, Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun shared a cab back home, same with Jungwoo and Taeyong. Luckily for Jaehyun, he could now comfortably walk to his new house. Doyoung decided to walk him home, and Jaehyun’s heart skipped a beat on every street they walked together. His hand was aching to grab the older’s one, so he tried to get them inside his pockets, suppressing any chance he could get.

When they got to his building, he couldn’t help but ask.

¨Do you want to go upstairs and have one last drink?¨ I really don’t want you to go just yet

Jaehyun just wished he could say these things to Doyoung, sometimes he had to bite the inside of his cheek so he could contain himself, but he ended up smiling awkwardly at him. He guesses Doyoung knew him too well because he always returned the smile sheepishly. Doyoung agreed, as he usually did to whatever Jaehyun asked to.

As they were getting up to his house, Jaehyun could feel again the heat in his stomach, the comfort of getting into an elevator with Doyoung, knowing they would enter one of the apartments and were going to sit on the couch, talking about whatever thing that happened that day. HE still got shy and nervous whenever he opened the door, but because the whole domestic feeling was growing greatly day by day. He had to watch his steps as he walked around his own house, but just because he really couldn’t get his head around it. He knows that Doyoung has already gone inside his apartment a couple of times now, and he has been in his as well, but he couldn’t feel still.

He poured a couple of wine glasses and got them to the living room, getting them on the coffee table. He didn’t see Doyoung over there but heard the bathroom sink, so he instantly knew where he was. He got to his room to get changed, at least from the uncomfortable jeans he was wearing, when Doyoung came outside the bathroom.

The hall wasn’t narrow, but they were too close to each other to not look to anything away from each other’s eyes. And the thing was that they were getting closer.

None of them was against any wall, they were getting closer to each other because they chose to do it. They kept the same agonizing pace because they knew what they were doing. Maybe the fact that Doyoung just came out of the bathroom with his hands slightly wet and Jaehyun was going to get to his room to change his jeans was what made it really unbelievable, but Jaehyun couldn’t move his face when Doyoung placed his hands on his cheeks. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, but he closes his eyes.

He does it out of instinct because he doesn’t want to look at what is going to happen. Worst case scenario, Doyoung backs down and Jaehyun doesn’t get out of his house ever again, too embarrassed to just exist. Best case scenario is the one that is happening.

He feels Doyoung’s hands moving into his personal space, meeting his lips. Jaehyun stops breathing, his heart which was beating way too fast just seconds ago, now stops, not wanting to disturb this moment. Jaehyun doesn’t want to move, in case he scares Doyoung and they both come to their senses again, but how can he not move his hands too when his cheeks feel more and more warm against Doyoung's palms.

He moves his hands to Doyoung’s hips, moving him back slightly until he feels a small thud on the wall. He doesn’t open his eyes, even if he knows he should be checking on him in case the older hit his head into the wall, but Doyoung just moves his hands from his cheeks a bit to his nape, now pressing his fingertips harder against his scalp.

The kiss feels new, but at the same time, it feels so right that Jaehyun can't stop it. He can't stop their lips from meeting, slowly but eagerly, and he thinks he is about to faint when the older parts them up just slightly, but Jaehyun takes it as his queue to just get deep down on him. He needed to get even closer, even if now his whole body was pressing Doyoung against the wall, his hands moving firm from his hips to his waist, under his sweater.

He doubts himself for a second if he should do it, but Doyoung is also moving his hands along his back now, so he gets his hands under his shirt too, feeling Doyoung skin under his fingertips, and he is burning. He knows he is getting too riled up because he can already feel how his jeans are way more uncomfortable than they were seconds ago. He knows he needs to stop at this moment, but how can he?

I wanna get under th е surface

And get to the bottom of you

He can’t stop pressing his hands against him, he can't help but feel every move Doyoung is doing on his back, but only when they get messier and Doyoung lets out a very soft and tiny moan, Jaehyun snaps.

He steps back, clinging onto his lips as much as he can, and it really aches him to see Doyoung in this state: looking at him dizzily, face flustered and lips all swollen and wet, still parted from the sudden motion. His hands stay still almost in the same position, but he can also see that he snaps too, getting himself into composure again.

He quickly gets his hair straighter and dries his lips with the inside of his palm. He blinks twice before looking at Jaehyun again. They both know they should say something, but they can't. At least Jaehyun can’t bring himself to talk to him, and he thanks that Doyoung is the one who breaks the agonizing silence.

¨Jaehyun I'm sorry, I shouldn’t-¨ he stops, trying to get a hold of his words ¨I’m a fucking hypocrite, I'm sorry. We shouldn’t- I'm sorry I don’t know what to say, it shouldn’t-¨

¨I’m sorry too¨ Jaehyun says, but he feels wrong saying it ¨Well, I'm not really sorry, but I know this shouldn’t be like this¨

¨Uhm, yes, I guess I'm not sorry either but, I don’t know-¨

¨I get it, I'm not sorry about this but I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable¨

¨Oh come on, I was the one that just moaned, I should be the one saying sorry¨

They both let out a soft chuckle, but Jaehyun is careful with his words because his heart is again beating way too fast.

¨It’s okay, we just got too into it, I'm sorry again, I don’t want it to be uncomfortable-¨

¨I just don’t want to rush into things, and this is not taking it slow¨

Jaehyun nods, agreeing. He can’t really think too much about this situation because he is still flustered, and if he looks again at Doyoung he might as well kiss him again.

¨I think I am going to sleep; I will get you some clothes and a blanket¨

Jaehyun says quickly, he really needs to get out of that hall. So, he gets into his room and grabs some clothes and some socks. When he gives it to Doyoung, feels a wave of heat again, his cheeks getting as red as he could feel them. He hates that he can’t hide at all what he is feeling, but that’s okay because he is showing it to Doyoung.

¨Thank you for these¨ the older says, getting the clothes ¨And thank you for getting us both back. I'm sorry that it needs to be like this, but I really want to make it right Jaehyun, at least with you¨

Jaehyun just nods and lets himself be embraced by Doyoung, who whispers a tiny good night into his ear. When he closes his door, he is smiling, not only because a couple of minutes ago he was kissing Kim Doyoung in the hall of his new home, but because of the last words he said to him.

I really want to make it right Jaehyun, at least with you.

Jaehyun was starting to click some things in his brain, he was starting to get the whole waiting thing. It did feel good kissing him, too good in fact. But he knew that it would feel better if he could kiss him softly after that hot kiss, and while they fought about what to watch on the TV while he could whisper nonsense words against his lips. He knows that kiss would have felt better if they were going to sleep under the same blanket.

It felt like one step forward, but this time, not even a single step back.

-

At the beginning of June, the company that he worked for started their summer program. That summer was going to be different, because Yuta had been having courses and classes for the first half of the year, and now he was going to give some culinary experience at the bar too, not only at the restaurant. Every day for the whole summer was going to be a more serious job.

He had to attend Yutas courses too, to get a grip on the whole tasting and pairing thing. Every afternoon he spent three hours before his shift at the restaurant kitchen, where he could learn everything, he needed to learn. Usually, Yuta was the one conducting the lesson, and he was part of the audience, along with Doyoung, Donghyuck and a couple more baristas they had to hire for this summer project. Even if it was a very amusing experience, it was way too hard for Jaehyun to keep up. Not because he wasn’t interested in the whole world of foods and drinks, tasting them and getting to really know the flavor of things, enhancing them, but he felt like he had nothing to do against Doyoung and Donghyuck.

Those two were picking things up at an alarming pace and sometimes Yuta would scold Jaehyun because he was getting too slow at these things and they really needed to have everything ready for July and August. Jaehyun tried, not only in these classes and during his shifts, but in his house too. He would get himself blindfolded and try different liquors from different glasses, trying to combine all sorts of fruits and spices between them, but he couldn’t get them all right. He would do this kind of experiments in the mornings, when he came back from the bar all sore and sleepy, but he really needed to get back on track.

By Saturday, as he was cleaning the counter, he was already tired just thinking of getting to his house and starting the whole training thing again. Donghyuck must have heard his loud sighs because at the third one in the same minute, he glanced at him.

¨What Jaehyun?¨ he asked

¨I’m so tired¨ Jaehyun whined, getting his forearms on the counter as he lowered his head ¨and we haven’t even started this whole thing¨

¨But it’s going to be so fun!¨ he said, getting excited ¨We did this a couple of years ago and it was a success! You get to meet a lot of people, and I don’t want to be the one that says it but…¨ he looked around and made sure no one but them was listening ¨you can make very very good contacts¨

¨Donghyuck I can hear you!¨

Doyoung came out of the back store in his usual clothes, and Jaehyun had already seen this scenery a hundred times, but he swears each day was harder to stop staring. He got prettier every day, looking astonishingly good. It didn’t matter if he was wearing some cargo pants and an oversized t-shirt, some jeans and a worn-out hoodie, or even better, if he didn’t change out of his uniform and just unbuttoned the first two buttons of his white shirt. Doyoung looked better every day, and he couldn’t deny it, not him or his eyes. He guessed that-

¨Jaehyun? Are you okay?¨ Doyoung waved his hand in front of his face ¨Are you not listening to me again?¨

¨Sorry, I'm just so tired¨ he quickly kept on cleaning the counter

¨Cut him some slack Dobby¨ Donghyuck nagged, Jaehyun laughing softly because of the nickname ¨Remember us when we first did this? Listen Jaehyun, we spent the whole summer on a whole alcohol summer camp, by September of that year I promised myself I wasn’t going to drink anymore until I could forget what kind of cheese a good combination with a Pinot Noir could be¨

¨It would depend on the regional influences, but supposing it is from Burgundy, it's always going to be a soft cheese, like a brie or a camembert¨ Doyoung said as he started gathering the chairs

¨But how? How the fuck do you know everything?¨ Jaehyun asked desperately, but with a  hint of desperation in his voice

¨Because the buttery texture of these cheese pairs well with the acidity, fruitiness and light effervescen-¨

¨I didn’t mean why you know exactly that, but everything¨

¨I don’t know, sometimes it's just right you know?¨

¨That can’t be it, there has to be some kind of…¨ Jaehyun motioned with his hands, trying to get inspiration ¨some kind of hints, something that allowed me to also understand that¨

¨Jaehyun that is exactly the kind of answer you give me when I ask you to help me with English, asking you about what wording sounds better and you just say this one feels right¨ Doyoung said, mocking Jaehyun’s tone

¨Because it does! I am not an English teacher so I can't explain to you why it is like that I just know!¨

¨For me it’s the same! I don’t know how to explain it to you, I just know it¨

¨Get a room you two¨ Donghyuck joked, but they both freeze

They didn’t get to talk too much about their last kiss two months ago, but just because the next morning they both acted like nothing happened. It was weird when they hugged each other goodbye, Jaehyun just wanting to kiss him again, this time less messy and more lovingly, but still. They tried to get on with their lives, acting like nothing happened.

And it’s not because they didn’t know what to say, it was precisely because they both knew exactly what the other was going to say, and it wasn’t something helpful for each other. They needed to work on their own things on their own, not letting each other affect on their personal progress. It was something Jaehyun started to slightly understand after that night and was now gladly accepting.

It hurt him so much because as the days passed and he realized more and more things about himself, he was every day surer about his feelings towards him, but at the same time, Doyoung’s words resonated with him too much. He also wanted to do things right with him. They were both patient, even if both of them trembled whenever they got too close to each other, it was just something that needed time.

They kept on cleaning the bar for another half an hour, laughing about anecdotes of the bar that happened years ago. Jaehyun loved hearing things about Doyoung, and even more if a close friend of his was the one who told him because it looked like Donghyuck really loved exposing Doyoung.

¨Sorry if I was rude before¨ Doyoung said to Jaehyun when they were closing the metal gate ¨I can help you out with this, you just need to ask me¨

¨I know but I don’t want to take most of your free time, these weeks are going to be hard enough for both of us, I don’t want to-¨

¨I know it’s not the place or the time to say this, but you know I love spending my free time with you¨

Jaehyun gulped loudly, not knowing what to answer. He could say that it was the same for him, but it would be too obvious, so he just nodded, feeling grateful.

That’s why Jaehyun spent almost his whole summer with Doyoung: they got their afternoon classes before they started their shifts, they spent their whole shift together, and after that, they went to either Jaehyun’s house or Doyoung’s to get Jaehyun to learn about everything he needed to learn. Only when they finished that day's extra lessons, they would say goodbye, but they always said until later today. Jaehyun loved that.

The training was tough, even if it consisted of eating all kind of foods in tiny portions and drinking a whole load of alcoholic beverages, in tiny portions too, but it was exhausting. By the second week, Jaehyun already had a mental folder of the kind of nutty smells he could find in wines and whiskeys. By the fourth week he could easily prepare drinks separating them by spices and their form (he had grown to hate the smell of whole cloves and fresh nutmeg).

The only days when they didn’t get to see each other were on Mondays because as it was their free day, Doyoung said it was better for Jaehyun to fully rest, and Jaehyun thanked him for that. He spent these Mondays to himself and only himself, and that meant meeting his parents, getting out with his friends, but mostly staying at home, in his now full-on studio.

He was writing more and more these days, getting on paper everything he couldn’t say to Doyoung just yet.

And lat еly I just wanna lie

Awake looking in your eyes

Don't care how heavy the hurt is

I wanna carry it too

I wanna know

Everything there is to know

Don't you dare leave nothin' out, no

-

It was the last week of September, and Jaehyun couldn’t stop smiling. He didn’t know about it but in the summers that the company had this kind of intensive culinary experience, the bar and restaurant would close for a whole month. Jaehyun's jaw dropped to the floor when he heard that because he knew that was going to be it. He knew he had to figure things out by the end of the month. He needed to give his mind some piece of peace, even if was small, something that his brain could cling to.

It was the 29^th of September, the last Sunday. Jaehyun was trying not to make a big deal out of it, but everyone knew what was going to happen when they closed today. Donghyuck was extra sassy that day, Doyoung was humming to every song Jaehyun added to the playlist. Everyone was working themselves into exhaustion because they wanted to have a perfect ending.

¨I just want to have a few words¨ Yuta said, clinging one knife from his own brand into a glass, also from his own brand ¨I want to say thank you to everyone who attended this amazing experience. This year we broke the record of assistance every single day. Thank you everyone for coming, for enjoying, and for experiencing this with us. It was a pleasure working with you, but also, thank you to the people who made this able to happen¨ Yuta motioned his open hand to the waiters behind the counter, Jaehyun between them ¨Thank you Jaehyun, for being your first year and exceeding. Thank you Sunwoo, for being the best. Thank you Donghyuck for being always on your best behavior. But mainly, thank you Doyoung for being the best manager that someone can have in their business, for being able to give your hundred percent every single day, thank you for being the best friend a chef can ask for. Thank you everyone! Cheers!¨

Everyone clapped loudly, some of them raising their drinks. Jaehyun felt overwhelmed with appreciation as people came and congratulated them on their work for the past three months, and he couldn’t help but smile and feel like everything was worth it. He thought it couldn’t get better, but as he felt a hand on the small of his back, turned around and saw Doyoung smiling at him, he knew he was wrong.

¨I’m so fucking proud of you Jaehyun¨

Jaehyun nodded, trying to say thank you, but the knot in his throat was way bigger than he could manage, so he just kept on nodding.

He tried keeping his composure for the rest of the night, but as the closing hour was getting closer and closer, he could already feel his excitement getting over his body. His hands were shaking as he was cleaning every single table, his fingertips hurt from scrubbing under every surface. He was putting everything he had on cleaning the whole place.

When they finished, and were once again at the surface, in front of the metal gate, the sun was already up, he didn’t feel exhausted anymore. He felt full of life like he could run over and over Seoul for hours until his legs gave up on him. He felt complete. Everyone was saying goodbye to each other, and even if Jaehyun didn’t want to leave just yet, he said goodbye too to everyone, including Doyoung. He started walking away from the restaurant and checked his phone, texting his friends that this whole thing was finished. He heard a notification and checked his phone right after, surprised that his friends were awake on a Monday at six and a half in the morning. But of course, the notification wasn’t from his friends.

doyoung (dobby)

breakfast at my place?

jaehyun

hell yes

doyoung (dobby)

then turn the fuck around and lets get to the car

Jaehyun turned around and saw Doyoung, standing still at the front of the bar. He didn’t know if he ran there, he didn’t remember, but he was panting when he got to him, and like his body was asking him to do it, he hugged Doyoung. He embraced him tightly, getting used to the warmth he felt every time they were this close.

¨Thank you for everything¨ Jaehyun said, feeling emotional ¨Really Doyoung, thank you¨

And Doyoung didn’t say anything back, but it didn’t matter. This was one of their silent moments where they didn’t really need to say anything to each other.

That morning, Jaehyun slept like he hadn’t slept in a while, going to bed as soon as they finished their breakfast and waking up at two in the morning. He was going to have some work jet lag for the next few days, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind at all.

He woke up fully rested, and he felt bad because he was still sleepy but at the same time he was too excited to just try and get back to sleep, and because he wasn’t in his house, he didn’t want to just go out and do something, but that feeling went way when he got out to go to the bathroom and saw Doyoung curled in the sofa, reading a book. He guessed the whole domestic vibe from their relationship was not going to end, and that at one point he would get used to it a hundred percent, but to this day, he would still get flustered whenever he saw Doyoung in his house, being himself.

Call me crazy

Wanna read you like a book

Sipping on a glass of wine

He got into the bathroom and cleaned his face thoroughly. He loved that Doyoung had a bunch of shit in his guest bathroom that he could use. He didn’t remember them being there the first time that he stayed, but the drawers got fuller and fuller every time he went there. Jaehyun asked a couple of months ago if he could use them, Doyoung always answered the same, if you don’t use it, who will? Jaehyun always smiled after hearing that. So, as he finished washing his face and getting some lotion on the bridge of his nose and forehead, he got out and sat on the couch with him, resting his head on the back of the couch. He was still sleepy enough to start a conversation, but Doyoung looked way more woken up than him, closing his book and looking at Jaehyun.

¨Good morning¨ Doyoung said, and Jaehyun hummed, nodding slightly ¨You slept a lot¨

¨I was tired, very¨

¨I can tell¨ Doyoung chuckled softly ¨How are you feeling?¨

¨Relieved¨ Jaehyun thought about his next word ¨and excited¨

¨Excited? What about? Doyoung asked him

¨I want to really use this time wisely, October I mean¨ Jaehyun shifted himself on the couch, sitting straighter and looked at him ¨I know we just finished this thing, but I want to talk to you about the whole… uhm-¨

¨Me too¨ Doyoung said, smiling ¨But I really want to take it slow¨

Jaehyun scoffed, but because he couldn’t believe it. Slow? What did he mean by slow? Slower?

¨I know it sounds ridiculous; I can tell by your face that you want to kick me out even though it’s my apartment, but please, listen to me¨

¨Okay¨

¨These past months I have had so much fun with you; you made this summer a really remarkable one and I will be forever grateful for that. You made me feel important, like I had a purpose. I felt so fucking proud of you last night Jaehyun, I can tell you that right now¨ Doyoung grabbed the glass of lemon water he was having before and gulped down almost half of it ¨This being said, this has been very hard months for me. I didn’t know I let things run their own ways for so long… It was very hard facing them all at the same time, even if it took me almost one year, I have been making progress¨

Jaehyun nodded, and he extended his hands to him, just to let him know that he was there. Doyoung seemed hesitant at first, but he grabbed them with both of his hands too, still looking down.

¨I think that I need more time, but I don’t need it to be on my own, do you get what I am saying?¨

Doyoung had to ask him because the last time Jaehyun was just so blinded by the idea of him that he couldn’t just accept the whole not being together thing. He acted like a child; he knows that now.

¨I know last time I reacted very badly, but because I am not used to way, or at least, I was not used to¨ Jaehyun tried to explain, this time meeting Doyoung’s eyes ¨At first, I didn’t understand the whole waiting thing, but because I didn’t know what it meant. I still have a hard time understanding the whole thing, but I get why we needed to do things a certain way. It's confusing still, but I am trying¨

¨Jaehyun you don’t know how thankful I am that I can talk about these things openly with you¨

¨For me it's very new too, but now I think I would rather have this kind of conversation one at a time than just blowing everything up. I have not been very good at communicating, but I am trying to change it, not for you, but for me too¨

They both nodded, the air felt too dense Jaehyun was starting to feel dizzy. He didn’t know if he should keep talking or if he should let him talk. He was feeling a lot of things at the same time, but he wanted to keep the honesty momentum going.

¨I want to know how you feel¨ he finally said

¨I am scared Jaehyun, very¨ Doyoung answered him after a couple of silent seconds ¨ It's like I can't face it because I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to mess up with you¨

¨Me neither¨ Jaehyun grabbed tightly his hands ¨I like the idea of taking things slow, but taking them together¨

¨I would love that¨ Doyoung said, looking into his eyes, smiling shyly ¨I had been thinking about it and I think we should take our time to really get to know each other in ways we do not¨

¨Uhm, in what way?¨

¨It doesn’t have to be in a certain way, but maybe just asking each other some things, going to certain places or doing some activities together in order to get to know each other better¨

¨Okay, I think I like that¨ Jaehyun said, nodding ¨If you had been thinking about it it’s because you already have maybe some questions about me?¨ Doyoung nodded ¨So ask them¨

¨Uhm, okay…¨ Doyoung said, this time getting his hands under the blanket ¨I wanted to ask about your past relationship, more exactly about how you acted towards her after the breakup¨

Jaehyun tilted his head, knowing the answer was going to be a bad one. He knew his behavior wasn’t the best, but he explained to him either way. Jaehyun took his time and explained to Doyoung how he acted the same exact day of the breakup, the day before and the continuing weeks. It wasn’t a pleasuring thing to remember, only when airing his actions he could feel how toxic they both behaved and how immature was from both of them.

¨But I promise you that was months ago, and I learned a lot from it. Not in the same way, I know, but still¨

¨Jaehyun I am not going to judge you, I just wanted to hear it¨ Doyoung said, retaking his hands to grab Jaehyun’s ¨Is there anything you want to ask me?¨

Jaehyun had been thinking about it because he really wanted to know everything about him. He wanted to ask him about his father, his childhood, and his friendship with Yuta and Donghyuck. He wanted to learn everything about him but taking his time.

¨I know this is going to sound silly¨ Jaehyun confessed, talking slowly ¨I want you to tell me your favorite love song¨

¨Why?¨ Doyoung chuckled a bit, tilting his head

¨Because I want to sing it with you¨

Jaehyun knew it was a dumb thing, but he held onto the music too much, he wanted to have at least one thing that could remind him of Doyoung whenever he was getting on his way back home. He wanted something real that he could cling to. The older flustered visibly by this question, almost as if it was as deep and serious as the one he previously asked.

¨This is going to sound staged, and I promise you it's not, but it changed after you. It used to be Fooling Myself by Dana Williams but now it's Strawberries & Cigarettes by Troye Sivan. Do you want to listen to it?¨

Jaehyun nodded quickly so Doyoung grabbed his phone and played it. Jaehyun listened to it carefully, through every verse. He already had heard this one, but he never got to listen to it as he was listening right now.

Long nights, daydreams
Sugar and smoke rings, I've been a fool
But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

¨Don’t you think I now like the cigarette smell¨ Doyoung scoffed at him

Jaehyun smiled. He didn’t want to say anything back, he just wanted to play the song over and over until he knew it by heart. He wanted to wake up to him singing that song in the kitchen while he was still half asleep on the bed.

¨ What is yours?¨ Doyoung asked

¨No no¨ Jaehyun shook his head ¨We are taking things slow; I can’t let you know everything about me in only one day¨

¨Are you teasing me?¨ he asked, smirking

¨Maybe, but I also think you have a point. Don’t worry, I will let you ask another thing tomorrow¨

Doyoung hit him on his arm, and Jaehyun acted like it was the hardest punch he had ever received. They silently agreed on the whole asking tomorrow thing, and as they did, they both fell asleep quietly at the sofa until the next morning.

-

They did the whole day thing, even if they didn’t see each other one day they called or texted, wanting to know everything about each other. They asked about their worsts habits, their favorite piece of clothing, favorite actor, food allergies, most embarrassing moment with their best friends, their gay awakening.

¨Definetly when everytime I got drunk with Yuta we ended up making out with each other¨ Doyoung said over the phone in a night call

¨Are you fucking kidding me?¨ Jaehyun almost jumped out his bed, trying not to scream too much because it was three in the morning

¨Yes I am¨ Doyoung cracked over the line, almost out of breath ¨But we did kiss one time over a stupid challenge and I got a boner, so that’s pretty gay and most definitely awakening¨

¨Jesus you are unbelievable Doyoung¨ Jaehyun said, tucking himself on the bed again

¨What was yours?¨

¨My bisexual awakening? Well, I always knew I liked girls, I had a couple of girlfriends when I was a teenager but something shifted in me when I got to know SHINee and learned about Taemin¨

¨So that goes into the top 5 celebrities you would cheat on your future boyfriend with¨

¨A hundred percent¨ Jaehyun said, not being able to lie

¨Remind me to not let you go to a SHINee concert¨

¨Noted¨ Jaehyun said, smiling from ear to ear

It didn’t matter much to him if he couldn’t see SHINee if his future boyfriend was going to be Doyoung.

-

¨Number seven¨ Doyoung read out loud, they were both sitting in Jaehyun’s terrace ¨Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?¨

¨Are these really questions to get to know each other?¨

¨More or less¨ Doyoung answered quickly ¨I think I will die in a car accident¨

¨I wouldn’t bet against it¨ Jaehyun said, sipping a bit from his beer ¨I think I would get ran over, I really can’t cross the crosswalks in less than half a minute¨

¨Fair enough¨

Doyoung kept asking him questions, and both of them answered them. It was getting late, so late they had to go inside in case they were making too much noise, but Jaehyun couldn’t just not laugh at Doyoung’s nonsense.

¨Number seventeenth and eighteenth, most treasured and most terrible memory?¨

They both stayed silent, agreeing to get a few minutes to gather a bit of those memories to question it most sincerely way possible.

¨For me, the most treasured one is when I travel to the United States after a while and I get to visit everything I used to go when I lived there, especially if I can go with my parents or my friends, so I can show them where I grew up¨

¨That seems like a very cool thing to do¨

¨I would love to take you there one day¨ Jaehyun said, already imagining it

Baby, show me the streets

Where you come from

I wanna walk 'em with you

¨I would love you to also show me where you grew up¨ Jaehyun said after writing that on his phone

¨We can definitely talk about it. My most treasured memory was my time in Japan, I would rather show you that than my actual hometown¨

¨We can go wherever you want¨ Jaehyun said ¨My most terrible memory was when my grandmother died. You know, about the whole name thing I told you, it was very hard for me to get over it¨

¨I'm sorry to hear that¨ Doyoung shifted closer to Jaehyun on the sofa ¨My worst memory is my father. My whole childhood and how it affected me. I will talk to you about this another day, I promise¨

¨Whenever you want, you know that. I am going to be here, it's not like I have another place to go for another….¨ Jaehyun looked at his bare wrist ¨Two weeks and a half¨

¨Perfect then¨ Doyoung tagged along his joke ¨I’ll send you an email to confirm the details of it¨

¨That sounds perfect, thank you¨ Jaehyun extended his hand so they could shake it

They both tried to take these things lightly if neither of them wanted to talk about the situation. It wasn’t that they weren’t communicating, but they both didn’t want to talk about everything all of the time, and these days they were opening up to each other in the sincerest way, so it was perfectly fine for Jaehyun to just take a break on some things and get them on with another time. It wasn’t that they needed to rush into anything, they were going at their own pace.

_

 By the end of their third week off, Doyoung was already sleeping over at Jaehyun’s half of the day of the week, sharing the sofa with his friends whenever they came over too. He was right when he saw Mark snoring, Sophia next to him, and Doyoung next to her because that was exactly what he saw the moment he got out of his room.

He went down quickly to buy something for breakfast, taking a bit of time to pick exactly what he wanted to cook, taking his time. He got to learn to take his time when doing the simplest things such as laundry and grocery shopping, it was something he always liked, and today it was no different. He got to his house again, getting his washing machine loaded, going back to the kitchen to start making some pancakes.

The smell woke everyone up, so he rushed through the whole thing while Doyoung made coffee. The domestic feeling of having breakfast with him, Mark and Sophia was weirdly comfortable. Everything with Doyoung was weirdly comfortable.

As soon as they got out of the apartment to keep on with their days, he got into his studio, his feelings stronger than ever.

I'm gonna love you completely

Oh, show me a map of your soul

Every second from now

I'm gonna love you completely

He was glad he could still express this kind of feeling because he felt like his chest was on fire. He was glad he now got to understand better their way of doing things as he was glad he got to know Doyoung as he was getting to know him now, but still, he kept on having an aching need to kiss him again, to hold him. He hated how Doyoung always slept on his sofa whenever he stayed over. He wanted to be with him, and he was running out of patience.

He tried to distract himself through the whole day, getting a coffee with his mother, and buying a couple of things he needed for his walk-in dresser that he didn’t get to buy just yet. He tried to cook something for himself at night, but he couldn’t get his head straight to read some simple recipe, so he ordered in.

But the moment he had one slice of his pizza, he felt the knot on his stomach again. This was a new kind of restless feeling that he didn’t know how to manage. He tried getting out, walking for a while, and even running around the small park next to his house, but nothing was working, in fact, the knot was getting bigger. In a desperate moment, he called Taeyong, but he texted him that he couldn’t talk to him at the moment as he was getting a paper ready. He called Jeno, and luckily for him, he answered.

¨Hello?¨ the other said through the phone

¨Can we talk?¨ Jaehyun rushed to the question

¨Yes, wait a second¨ he heard Jeno talking to someone in a very loud room, but it got quiet after a few seconds ¨Tell me¨

¨I am going to ask Doyoung out¨

Chapter Text

It was confusing, very much so, but just because everything was just so real. Real enough to get through someone, and at that moment, it was getting through Jaehyun. He decided a couple of days ago, talking to Jeno on the phone, that he was going to ask Doyoung out. It was very clear that both of them kept liking each other, they kept hanging out with each other, and they only had a week left before they needed to start working again. It was a rushed decision, but at the same time, it wasn’t. It was a well-thought-out decision, but at the same time, it wasn’t. Everything was a hundred things simultaneously, again with the step forward and step back. It was easy but it wasn’t.

He decided he was going to, and there was no backing down now.

As he woke up, he saw the date on the calendar: the 21^st of October. He had already seen the weather for the past days, and it was going to be sunny, not really warm but a nice weather overall. He had reservations in a restaurant that Doyoung had been bickering for months and later Jaehyun was going to walk around the city until he found a good spot. It was a bit planned out but not that much, also it was a casual thing but not because he wanted to be something amicable and wholesome, but he bought Doyoung a watch. He knew the older used to wear a lot of watches, so he wanted to add another one to his collection. With his headphones on, he decides to go for a run.

He can't bring himself to the gym today: firstly because he is nervous as hell, and he doesn’t want to see anyone who is not Doyoung. Secondly, Jaemin started to switch to their gym because the one that he (and Jeno with his second membership) was going to closed a couple of weeks ago, so now the three of them go to the same one. And Jaehyun can't stand how Jaemin is already lifting more than him in only two weeks, and it gets worse when he looks at Jeno, the younger can only smirk proudly and tell Jaehyun a quiet I told you so. The whole moment doesn’t get less awkward when Jaehyun sees the bruises on Jeno’s neck, but he doesn’t comment on that.

So he goes for a run, trying to clear his mind. He succeeds, as he gets comforting songs from him and goes to parks and streets that he is very fond of. When he gets home, he has to actually rush because he is going to be late for lunch. Thanks to Jeno again, and, somehow Renjun, who also thought it was a good idea to join the video call and have Jaehyun try clothes on for almost two hours until they settled for an outfit, he already had his clothes prepared, hanging tightly in his dresser.

He (Renjun) decided to wear some chunky black dress shoes, a thick pair of brown pants, a light blue shirt, and a Prada coat. He had to thank Jeno again for the Prada thing, not because it was his, this time Jaehyun bought it, but because Jeno recommended that to him. And he had to say he was looking very nice. He quickly dried his hair as he ordered a cab, waiting anxiously by the building door. He got to greet a couple of neighbors and got his face all red because a couple of old woman told him that he was looking very elegant. Jaehyun thinks that if he tells him he is on his way to ask another man out, they would have a heart attack, so that’s why he just bows and smiles.

In the cab he starts getting the whole situation straight: eating at the restaurant, going for a walk in the nearby neighborhood that had a very old temple, and at night getting back to Seoul and maybe going to a rooftop bar or to the Han River. He thinks about when to give Doyoung his present when he touches his pocket and he doesn’t feel the watch there.

Be breathes a couple of times and glances again, seeing both of his pants pockets flat as hell. He feels his heartbeat spiking and he gives it one last chance, getting his hands into his coat pockets. He can only find his phone on the right one and his wallet on the left one. He thinks about getting a cab back to pick it up, but he finds himself making the cab driver wait for him to get down because he is already there. And even worse, when he gets down, Doyoung is also there.

He is looking godly. The first thing Jaehyun notices is that he is not white blond anymore, but has black hair. Jaehyun doesn’t recall thinking about Doyoung not being white blonde but because he couldn’t think about anything when he was with him. The second thing he realizes is the comfort that he has in his face, his smile shining all over the place. He is wearing some black oversized jeans with a black t-shirt, covered with a brown vest. He wants to run to him and kiss him until his face is numb, but he can't, or at least, yet so he takes the safe approach and goes close to him, hugging him when he meets him.

“You look very good” Doyoung teases him “If you had told me that you were going to dress this nice, I would have changed at least the shoes”

“You look stunning always, I was just trying to get it even” Jaehyun smiles, knowing he is being clingy “You changed your hair” he says again, tracing his fingers to the Doyoung’s nape

He wants to grab him harder and get their lips together again, but he can't. He leaves his hand there.

“I did, this morning. Do you like it?”

“I do” Jaehyun nods, letting go of his hand “but you don’t look like a dandelion anymore”

“A dandelion? Why would I look like one?” Doyoung asks confusedly

“Skinny and with a big head, full of white hair” Jaehyun says, as it was the most obvious answer “Now you look like-”

“I don’t want to know, let's get inside dumbass”

Jaehyun laughs because he loves it when Doyoung gets slightly mad. They got seated in a very nice place, near the neighborhood lake. It wasn’t the fancier restaurant, but Jaehyun could tell already from the smell that they were going to eat good. And he was right, because everything they ordered was extraordinarily good and, for some reason, cheap. Jaehyun always linked Doyoung’s persona to a very expensive lifestyle, you had to look only at his car and his apartment, but even when Jaehyun got him into the sandwich place, he didn’t look pleased with the cheap place.

But now they were in a local place, eating marinated seafood and a million mouthwatering side dishes.

“This is the restaurant that I first visited after coming back from Japan, with Yuta” Doyoung said, sipping his beer “We both took the wrong bus and got off there” Doyoung pointed at a bus stop outside the restaurant “And we were so hungry that we just literally crossed the street and ordered half the menu”

“Great intuition” Jaehyun hums

“Maybe, or we were just lucky, but I don’t know… I know it’s not something out of this world but it’s very much part of mine and I wanted to show it to you”

Jaehyun smiles, feeling warmth in his chest. He wants to place his hand on top of the table and hold the other's hand, but he can’t, just yet. And maybe because it’s almost itching, he asks for the bill and pays for it quickly, telling Doyoung that he really needs to have a walk. He wants the day to go on quickly so he can already ask him out, but he wants to enjoy every second.

“Jaehyun, can you walk slower please, you are going to make me trip” Doyoung says from behind

Jaehyun snaps himself into reality and looks back, Doyoung almost twenty meters behind. He feels sorry and waits for him, but as soon as they start walking again, he can feel how his legs are moving faster than his mind. He stops for him again, and when they are about to start walking again, Doyoung grabs his hand with both of his hands and in that silent agreement, they walk.

They walk around the little streets, both of them humming little sounds when they see something that stands out to them, commenting about the whole scenery and the quiet sounds that surround them. They get to a hiking trail, and even if they want to start hiking, they stop at the beginning, at the shortest area of a hill, surrounded by benches and an old wood railing that keeps people from falling into the lake. They sit around there, Jaehyun tries to joke around and waves to everyone who starts the hiking route, but Doyoung hits him every time he does it, and Jaehyun can see he feels embarrassed.

They take pictures of each other, and Jaehyun doesn’t think he can hold it any longer. He wishes he didn’t forget about the watch so he could already ask him, but he wants to make things good.

“Do you want to get going back?” Jaehyun asks him when it gets quiet again

“Not really…” Doyoung hums “I’m having such a good time here”

“Okay” Jaehyun says, not knowing really what to do next

He glances at Doyoung, laid back on the bench with his eyes closed. His heart is striking in his heart, and if he sits next to him, he is going to think that he is having a panic attack. Because everything felt so right.

It was the same exact moment when you feel the dynamic with someone changed. When you feel closer than friends but not as close as two people who are in love. When you look at each other’s eyes in a way that only both of you can comprehend and that, for the rest of the world, is completely unknown. Is the feeling of warmth in your hand when you touch the other person, even if you want to hold deeper in that embrace, but you just can't yet. Is the foggy vision and suppressed impulses when you-

“Hello? World calling to Jaehyun?” Doyoung was now standing in front of him, waving his hand at his face

“Sorry, I faded out” Jaehyun tries to explain because it's not a lie but it is also not the whole truth “I guess im just tired”

“That’s okay, we can go back,” he says, getting some of Jaehyun’s hairs out of his forehead “Do you want to?”

And that sounds like the day is going to end, and that Jaehyun is never going to find the exact moment to do what he wants to do. At first, it was because he forgot the watch, but later could be because he is tired for real and he wants to be in his best shape when this happens.

But he is in his best shape right now, on a small deck in a lake, the sun setting behind small mountains. Doyoung is right in front of him, waiting for an answer. But he can’t answer that, not before he asks him the question that has been rounding his mind forever at this point. Because he doesn’t know exactly when he fell for him, if it was the first day when he treated him so nicely when they saw each other again at the bar and jaehyun felt more alive that night than he had ever been, when he slept in his house and Doyoung called him even though he was in the room next door. Maybe it was every single breakfast that he cooked for him, or that every time now he got to try a new kind of wine, he closed his eyes, trying to get what he would say about it.

Maybe it’s in every picture they send each other during the day, the fact that Doyoung has always clothes spared for him, or that he even has a glass that is for jaehyun, only for him. Jaehyun tried to give the favor back, having also a blanket only for Doyoung in his house, or some slippers. Maybe it was every single song they listen to when they are together or every song that jaehyun plays when he is not with him and wants to feel as happy as when he is.

Maybe is in the Doyoung’s perfume, in his warmness. Maybe it was always there but Jaehyun was too scared to notice it, and when it came to him, it hit him like a storm.

“Jaehyun do you-”

“I like you” Jaehyun spurts “I like you so much Doyoung I can’t hold it anymore. I want to be with you every second of every day. I just need all of you next to me, I need your heart, your soul, I need your everything” Jaehyun wants to let him talk but, at the same time, he can’t stop his own words “I want you Doyoung, and I'm sorry because this is not what I expected but-”

Doyoung’s lips were the only thing that could make Jaehyun shut. He can feel them strongly against his lips even if Doyoung is soft, too soft for Jaehyun’s liking, but he wants to enjoy this moment as much as he can. His hands move to Doyoung’s nape again, feeling the freshly trimmed hair now on his fingertips. He feels breathless but also full of air, full of life.

“I’m sorry I cut you” Doyoung quickly says, but Jaehyun can’t let him go

Jaehyun grabs him again and kisses him deeper, embracing his shoulder but quickly cupping his face, feeling his jawline stuck in his palms. He wants to hold him forever, to be this close to him forever. He wants to press softly his thumbs in his ears and his pinkies interlaced in his nape. He wants to feel his body against him, feeling him completely his. After what feels like an eternity, they separate each other by a few millimeters, and Jaehyun swears Doyoung has sparks in his eyes. He can see how deep everything can be, if its with the right person.

He can feel himself in his eyes, and he loves that Doyoung is looking at him with so much intensity. He approaches to kiss him again, but Doyoung places a hand on his chest and shakes his head softly, with a chuckle.

“I want to talk too” he says, definitely a bit of panting “Jaehyun I have been waiting for this moment for weeks, or months, or years, I am not sure. Not for you entirely, because I only known you for a little more than a year ago, but I've been waiting for this feeling. Everything seems so right with you, so easy, that sometimes I find myself thinking if everything is really as it is” Doyoung breathes heavily “Everything seems right, feels right, and as far as I know, everything is right. So, thank you Jaehyun, for liking me and for wanting to be with me because there is nothing, I would rather do than to be with you”

Jaehyun is tearing up. He most definitely is because he can’t understand the words that are coming out of his words. Not in a literal way, not like a couple of years ago when he couldn’t comprehend the words that were coming out of his friend's mouth because he was heavily dissociating. This time he could really understand what he was saying but he couldn’t believe that Doyoung was telling him all of this. He couldn’t believe, even if he had been waiting for it for months, that Doyoung felt like that towards him. It was like a dream.

“Oh don’t cry” Doyoung teases “We can’t both be the criers of the relationship”

“Then I get to cry, and you don’t” Jaehyun teases, sniffling

He knows he looks like a kid, smiling and crying at the same time because something so deep but so happy was happening to him.

“I want to go back because I have a surprise for you, but I forgot to bring it here because I was in such a rush”

“Then let’s get back”

They hold hands again now, as they go into the streets like when they came into the deck, but this time is different. Because now he feels that touch so reassuring it's almost everything Jaehyun needs. Doyoung drove himself there, so Jaehyun gladly took his place as passenger princess to his house. Thank god the apartment had parking, even if he didn’t have a car, because at times like this, he would have hated looking for a place to park. Doyoung sure looked shocked because Jaehyun ran outside the car the moment the older turned it off, not even having time to get the elevator but running through the stairs. He got into his apartment as if he was being chased, but he only had one thing in mind: getting the watch.

He runs into his room and he sees exactly where it was all these days, in his nightstand. He slaps himself mentally because all of this could have been solved if he hadn’t been in a rush this morning, sue him.

When he takes the watch, he runs again to his apartment door, Doyoung now coming out of the elevator, looking unbothered but at the same time worried. Jaehyun handles the box to him, and Doyoung smiles from ear to ear.

“Can I open it inside?”

“Yes, sorry. Come on in” Jaehyun lets him in, closing the door after him

They both get into the couch, Doyoung in his favorite place, left arm, and jaehyun in his second favorite place, because the left arm was somehow taken. When Doyoung takes the box out of the paper bag he can already see his guilty face. And Jaehyun gets it, he completely gets it, because he had never given anything to Seulgi that was a fraction of the price of that watch, but the situation wasn’t the same.

He was a different person, in a different situation. It didn’t matter to him that they weren’t even dating when he bought it, he just wanted him to have it.

“Jaehyun I can’t accept this”

“I knew that you were going to say it, so I ripped the ticket apart, it’s in the bag too” Jaehyun nods when Doyoung grabs quickly the pieces from the ticket “I'm not even joking”

“and if I don’t like it?” Doyoung asks in a serious tone

“It could be but then I wouldn’t be the only one to blame” Jaehyun says proudly “I asked Yuta and he asked Donghyuck and Déjùn”

Doyoung shakes his head, looking at the watch as if it was a gun “I do love it, thank you very much Jaehyun, but this thing is so fucking expensive”

“And?” Jaehyun asks quickly “Doyoung I really don’t mind, I wanted to get you this exact watch and that is exactly what I did, what more can I do? Are you mad?” Jaehyun has to question because he is starting to get embarrassed

“No, I am not, I am just surprised… Not only of the amount of money you spent on this but at the fact that you also took your time and asked my friends, so thank you Jaehyun, really”

Doyoung places the box down and hugs Jaehyun shyly, and everything feels so warm again. He wants to keep kissing him, and now he has to think twice because he doesn’t need to contain himself, so he separates him for a bit and kisses him softly. Their lips meet along the way, and the kiss is slow, methodical, and passional at the same time. They both know what they are doing and neither of them wants to stop, so they don’t. They lay on the couch lazily as they kept on kissing, only when Jaehyun moved his hands from Doyoung’s neck to his hips, Doyoung let the kiss be messier, letting himself completely onto Jaehyun as he straddles him, or at least, he tried to, because Jaehyun didn’t take his coat out yet and he can feel that he is burning. So, he separates a bit from Doyoung and takes out his coat, the older one doing the same with his knitted vest. Jaehyun wants to take out his shirt, but he doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable, so he asks.

“Can I take this out?” Jaehyun grabs the collar of his shirt

“Please do”

“And can I take yours-”

“Take everything away from me Jaehyun”

Jaehyun moves his hand messily, but he gets the job done. He removes his shirt quickly, just to remove Doyoung’s black shirt. He has to stare at him because he is literally on top of him, his legs spread, his chest rising as he breathes messily. He has to think twice again because he now doesn’t need to stop himself from doing what he wants, so he goes fiercely to his neck, most exactly the left area in which he has the tiniest mole that he just adores, kissing it and marking it, not hard but with enough pressure that has Doyoung biting his lips and humming some curse words. He keeps on kissing his neck, and his chest, moving quickly again into his face. The older one is now taking the lead, because he grabs Jaehyun’s face between his fingers, as he presses them into his jawline, kissing his lips with confidence. Doyoung was trembling but his moves were decisive.

Doyoung stands up and kneels in front of him. Jaehyun feels so dizzy that he might faint, and maybe that’s why he has to blink twice. Between each blink, Doyoung gets his pants unbuttoned. His body is now moved by a more intense warmth, wanting to be one with him, so he helps and removes his pants. He is not very ashamed of being hard as fuck because he is wearing black boxers, but Doyoung quickly straddles him again. He needs to really breathe in and breathe out to not just finish everything that he was doing and let himself do and be done with. He tries to be strong and kiss him back, but his moves are now languid and unsure because he never thought he was going to have Doyoung, half-naked, sitting in his lap and they were both on the couch of the living room of his new house.

But he wouldn’t change a thing if that meant that this ending wasn’t going to happen, so he tries to gain some control, but Doyoung is just confident and fierce. He kisses in a thoughtful way that Jaehyun didn’t know it existed, and when he is about to pick up the pace, he stands up again. He now kneels in front of him again, but spreading his legs. He is teasing his hands from his knees to his hips, going painfully slow. He also wishes that he would have shaved, because it's been a while since he had a razor on him, and the trail of hairs from his belly it’s starting to get too noticeable.

“Jaehyun, do you want me to do this?”

“Do you want to?” Jaehyun's voice is shaky, and he feels so embarrassed

“A hundred percent”

“Then fuck yeah please do, do everything you want Doyoung, I'm serious”

 Jaehyun doesn’t know if he's serious because he is closed to a lot of things, but he knows Doyoung is not going to take this literally, so he just reclines himself a bit more on the couch. Doyoung says as Jaehyun asks and takes his boxers away. He had never been this hot, this desperate to be in sync with a human being. It has also been close to two years, so he thinks that’s going to wear on him in the next minutes, but it doesn’t matter. He would wait a hundred years if he needed it to be with him.

Doyoung looks like he is ready to wait too, but not as much as Jaehyun, because the moment his briefers are on the floor, he gets Jaehyun’s wrapped in his hands, and he didn’t think he could be so precise doing something so obscene. But he couldn’t care less, not when every twist from Doyoung’s wrist is making him delirious, when his fist clenches more at the base and opens up when he's going up, ending its journey passing his thumb over the slit of his cock. HE can't help but pick his nose to frown, and gasp for air.

“Can I take it in Jaehyun?”

He knows Doyoung is being mean because he pronounced his name as if he needed to allow him to do so such things, as if he weren’t completely messed up and wanted him completely.

“Please” he mutters, closing his eyes

But he opens them quickly, not being able to miss how Doyoung opens slightly his mouth and takes his cock up until the half of it, his tongue doing wonders on the end of it. He holds his tights so hard that it starts to look like a grip, and Doyoung picks this up, so he handles one of his hands and directs it to his hair.

“Don’t pull too much” Doyoung says, taking Jaehyun’s out of his mouth for a second “But I don’t want you to hurt yourself”

Jaehyun wants to say that he is not going to hurt himself, but he sees that his flesh had already his nails engraved in a dangerously red color, so he agrees and places his hand on Doyoung’s head. He doesn’t bob it, in fact, he has a difficult time keeping up with the order’s pace, because he is giving his all. He grabs a bit of his black hair between his fingers, and he loves the sight.

Hours ago, he was framing his head by cupping him in his hand when they were kissing, and now he was yet again framing his beautiful face by grabbing his hair while he was sucking his cock. It was an amazing feeling, because he wanted both of them to be soft and hot, to be close and closer.

“Doyoung I’m so close fuck”

He knows the older is going to tease him later because it had not been longer than three minutes, but yet he is biting his lip in order not to cum all over Doyoung’s face.

“Where should I-”

Doyoung doesn’t stop his motion, and he smirks at Jaehyun. He guesses he is not going to stop sucking his cock to answer such a dumb question, so he has to.

“In your… m-mouth?”

He hates himself for being this shy when they are in a situation like this, but Doyoung is reckless. He doesn’t remember he had ever had head this good, this quick and sure, but he wanted to repeat it all over, every day, every second. And when Doyoung nods to his question, Jaehyun takes seconds until he is done, his whole body stiffing up and a scream stuck in his throat that comes out in a soft fuck when Doyoung licks the remaining spurts of his cock.

Now he really wants to close his eyes, but because he needs to concentrate on how to breathe and not in Doyoung standing in his living room gracefully with a really hard-to-not-look-at erection. So, he lets himself compose for a few seconds.

“Are you okay?” Doyoung asks, sitting tightly next to him

“Yes, I am just trying to catch my breath”

Doyoung laughs softly and he feels his weight off the couch. He opens his eyes slightly and sees Doyoung going over to the kitchen to grab some water, and even if he wants to say no, he needs that water, so he goes to the kitchen with him. Only there, because the lights are heavily switched from warm orange tones to some white over-the-counter ones, he sees Doyoung and how he really looks like a mess. His neck is all red, with some purple marks and the same goes on over his chest. He can't leave him looking like that, he wants to make an even bigger mess. So when he sips the water that Doyoung offers him with a smile, he cups his face again and kisses it.

He can taste himself in his mouth, and even if it’s a new taste, is addicting. Jaehyun doesn’t want to stop kissing him, so he goes deeper, completely tasting his mouth. He pushes him softly against the counter and lifts him over, grabbing his thighs but not leaving them just after, getting to know his body as the older had done with him before. He moves his hands, kneading his thighs, moving onto his hips and his waist and both of them moan. God, he is obsessed with his waist.

Doyoung is shaking now, probably because the counter is extremely cold, but also because Jaehyun is taking his boxers out. Doyoung tries to cling onto Jaehyun, visibly needy, but Jaehyun is not going to fuck him here on the counter. First of all, because he doesn’t have the physical strength to do that now, and second, because he wants their first time to be more special. It's not like this couple of hand jobs aren’t special, but he doesn’t want to get into the whole thing just yet.

And he does just exactly what Doyoung had done with him, wrapping up the base of his length and sucking the rest of it. Jaehyun feels a bit too experienced because he is not even wrapping anything, he is just blowing Doyoung completely.

“Fuck Jaehyun, this feels insane”

Jaehyun wants to agree, but he doesn’t want to take anything out just yet, so he just nods and keeps on blowing him, licking the slit, and applying some pressure while he’s at it. He knows how to suck a dick and he is not ashamed of doing it, even less if he's doing it to Doyoung. So, he keeps bobbing his head at a really fast pace, he knows because the older is just mumbling words in between curses and his name and more curses. Before he can think of changing his position, Doyoung grabs his hair softly and mutters I’m close. Jaehyun knows he doesn’t need to tell him that he can finish in his mouth, as he had done it before because he tries to get him off his cock, but Jaehyun shakes his head slightly, and the older can only say please and thank you over and over until Jaehyun feels his mouth full of him. He swallows and licks a couple more times, feeling satisfied with his work, but also hard again. He is going to need to hide it because he has no more strength to do anything but sleep.

Doyoung is panting on the counter, even if he is sitting, his face is as tired as his body looks, but he looks stunning. The marks over his chest are way more visible now because he is flustered, and Jaehyun cant help but kiss him all over. The friction of his body against his lower area makes Doyoung frown, but he quickly grabs him and places him on the floor, making sure he is steady before letting him go.

“Do you want to take a shower?”

“What?” Doyoung asks squinting his eyes “My ears are buzzing so much, I can’t hear you”

“If you wanted to take a shower” Jaehyun says a bit louder

“Oh yeah, please”

Jaehyun kisses him on the forehead and goes to the bathroom to start running a bit of water until is warm. He also noticed that Doyoung didn’t bring his glasses, and he guesses he should have been wearing his contacts, so he prepares a little recipient with a contact solution that he bought. It was true that Jaehyun didn’t use it that much because he only wore glasses when he spent so much time in front of his computer, or when it was late at night and his eyes were tired, so he never used contacts. But he knows Doyoung did, so he wanted to make sure that he could keep them in a safe place.

When Doyoung got into the bathroom, Jaehyun was already in the shower, just letting some water run. He smiles when he gets the contacts in the recipient and embraces him when he gets into the water. Doyoung tries to fight it because he says he feels sticky, but he gets under Jaehyun’s arms with not much resistance.

“Thank you” Doyoung says, taking some sweatpants and a t-shirt that Jaehyun is handing him

“No problem, you can leave your phone charging on that nightstand if you want”

Jaehyun sees Doyoung nodding and going shyly to the left part of the bed, putting on the clothes and sitting slowly, and placing his phone over there. Jaehyun also changes fast, and even if Doyoung said it was okay without boxers, Jaehyun knows he needs one because he is going to be all riled up if he is going to sleep with him. He already shared a bed a couple of times with him, but it was different.

Now he felt nervous as he was getting into the bed too, both of them under the heavy blankets and the quilt. He know doesn’t need to look away, so he turns on his right and watches Doyoung as he also turns and looks at him. They both start smiling shily, but then the smile grows into a laugh. Jaehyun feels like a teenager after he just had his first kiss, butterflies on his stomach and his hands aching to touch his boyfriend again. His boyfriend.

“What are you thinking?” Doyoung asks him as he gets a bit closer

“That you are my boyfriend”

“That’s true, and you are mine, right?” Jaehyun nods “Thank you for today Jaehyun, it was amazing”

“I’m glad you liked it”

“I loved it, and I also have a surprise for you but I left it at home, I didn’t expect you to ask me out today, honestly”

“Well I should have done it before, but I wanted it to be perfect”

Jaehyun realizes what he just said.

He wanted it to be perfect and for that, he needed to wait. He thinks about how messy it would have been ten months ago, dating Doyoung without knowing everything that he had known, without spending his whole summer with him, without having kissed him first. He needed to wait for himself, to be sure, and for Doyoung, to be ready. Because if it was meant to be, it will be. And right now, it was.

-

The whole feeling about being a teenager doesn’t go away after that night, or after the next day, not even after the first week, because all he can think about is telling his friends. Yes, he told Jeno he wanted to ask him out, but the whole thing about doyoung being his boyfriend was something he wanted to make a big deal out of it.

“Can we make like a get-together and I can introduce you to my friends?”

“I already know them Jae”

“I know but I want it to make it official”

“Should I wear your watch?”

Jaehyun blushes, but nods shyly as he is mixing the scrambled eggs. They finished breakfast while talking about having to go back to work the next Monday, and it was only Wednesday, so they had less than a week to enjoy. He texts his friend to gather a dinner party at his place the next day, and everyone seems to be able to come. Jeno asks if he can bring Renjun, because he was staying with them this week, and Doyoung quickly takes his phone and answers YES before Jaehyun can say no. Apparently, Doyoung had also bonded a lot with Renjun at Jeno's birthday, and he really liked him. Jaehyun loved learning these things about Doyoung, and truly nothing makes him happier than him getting along with his friends.

After breakfast, Doyoung tells him that he really should be getting back to his house, because after the whole asking him out, he hadn’t come back to his apartment. He has been living at Jaehyun’s, wearing his clothes (even if they were big on him and he needed to wear Jaehyun’s old clothes that were slightly tighter whenever they went out), and he told him that he didn’t want him to get bored of him.

Jaehyun tells him he is never going to get bored of him, but he gets what he is saying. It had been a very intense week, so a little alone time wouldn’t hurt. After he goes, Jaehyun decides to go to the gym, trying to get back in shape. Nothing felt as rewarding as Doyoung eyeing him from head to toe and nodding whenever they were in the shower, or when Jaehyun did a couple of house training and did some pushups (without a t-shirt, even if it was kind of cold) and Doyoung praised him so much that he stopped working out and let himself get head by him.

They did have fun this week, doing everything but doing the serious stuff, but Jaehyun was very happy about that. They did hand jobs and blow jobs on each other on every surface of his house (why would they have to do it in the middle of the hall if they could be more comfortable on his bed? Well, sometimes things rushed). That sort of thoughts had him blushing while running on the treadmill, but he spiked up the speed so his mind could be focused on breathing than actually on the things that made him breathless.

At night, he couldn’t sleep. It was dumb because he had been sleeping alone forever, not counting the occasional sleep overs and so, but the fact that Doyoung had been sleeping there for almost a week had Jaehyun feeling restless, shifting himself slowly to where the older had been laying down at night.

jaehyun

i miss u

dongi

me too

so stupid right

jaehyun

i know but i cant sleep

dongi

was i that good in bed? ;)

jaehyun

dont rile me up I was being soft

dongi

are you soft?

jaehyun

well not anymore thanks to u

dongi

ahhahahhahahah

you were pretty riled up by yourself every morning

jaehyun

well i couldn’t help it if you were grinding your little ass against me

Jaehyun blushed over his last message, and he wanted to instantly delete it when he didn’t get a fast reply back, but his face lit up when he saw that Doyoung was calling him.

“Hello” Jaehyun answers in a sweet voice

“Hello Jaehyunnie” Doyoung matches his tone “How was your day?”

“Good, I went to the gym and did some chores. I also called my parents and wrote for a bit”

“What did you write? I never asked what kind of lyrics you write because I wanted you to tell me but since you are too alternative, I might as well ask”

“You are so dumb” Jaehyun teases, laughing softly “Do you want to hear them?”

“Of course”

“It’s something like baby its electric when it’s you and-”

“Are you not going to sing them to me?”

“Oh, uhm, true…” Jaehyun shifts in his bed, sitting against the headboard “Uhm so it’s something like-”

Baby, it's electric when it's you and I

Some days I feel like I found my ride or die

Whatever whatever you like

Ooh, don't get it confused

I'm that someone you don't ever wanna los е

Jaehyun sings for him for the first time ever. It feels strange to have someone listen to him closely. He didn’t know if he should keep on singing but he decided to stop there. He wants to hang up instantly when Doyoung doesn’t answer him at the exact millisecond he finishes, but he does answer it at a few seconds.

“I love it Jaehyun, you have an amazing voice. I didn’t know you could sing like this”

“You sing way better” Jaehyun tries to excuse his shyness, but he can’t help it. Everything that Doyoung tells him goes straight to his heart “Maybe I can write something for you to sing”

“What do you mean I sing better? Why would you say that?”

“You sing quite a lot, but not when you have people around you” Jaehyun explains “I mostly listened to you when you were changing and I was in the bathroom at the back store of the bar, or when you are in your house office and I'm just waking up”

“Why didn’t you tell me then?!” Jaehyun smiles because he can imagine Doyoung frowning

“Because I love hearing you sing and I knew if I told you, you would have stop doing it”

“True… What a smart boyfriend I have”

Jaehyun smiles, his chest expanding with pride. The feeling of being proud about being his boyfriend is never going to ease. He knows the feeling is never going to go away, and even if he wants to get used to it, he knows its always going to make him cheer up. They keep talking nonsense until Jaehyun starts hearing Doyoung softer and softer, at one point he doesn’t recognize the words he is saying, falling completely asleep.

-

“Hello, hello, hello” Jaehyun greets Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun as if they were triplets, they never got away from each other these days “Come on in, Mark and Sophia are already inside”

“Jungwoo called me and told me they stopped to get some snacks” Jaemin tells Jaehyun as he is getting into the kitchen to drop the drinks they brought “Do you have space in the freezer?”

“Room Jaemin” Renjun rolls his eyes “Room in the freezer” he corrects him

“Whatever” Jaemin mocks him with an ugly face

Everyone gathers at Jaehyun’s living room. Everyone except Doyoung, who is hiding in his bathroom. Maybe it was a bit extreme all of this, but Jaehyun really wanted to surprise everyone. He got into his room hiding a bowl of Cheetos, entering the bathroom and leaving it there as if he was feeding a rat.

“Didn’t know you could get so possessive” Doyoung teases him, and he doesn’t look bothered at all by being in his bathroom because he was still getting some of his makeup done

“You wish you were trapped here in with me” Jaehyun smacks his ass as Doyoung was applying some eyeshadow and was bending over the sink, tiptoeing

“Jaehyun!” Doyoung screams, and Jaehyun laughs because he was being too nasty already and it wasn’t eight in the afternoon “I could have gotten blind”

“Oh my god I am so sorry Doyoung” Jaehyun cups his face pouting

“Get me a Cheeto, I can't have my hands dirty right now” Jaehyun obeys quickly, feeling guilty “Forgiven”

“Thank you sir” Jaehyun bows and he hears the doorbell “Jungwoo and Taeyong must be here, did you tell Yuta to come?”

“How am I supposed to invite me if I am not technically going to be there” Doyoung asks him without looking at him, keeping on his makeup

“Fuck, true” Jaehyun bites his lip “Well I hope Taeyong brought him”

“Im sure, go check now. Text me when you want me to make my big entrance”

Jaehyun turns him around to kiss him lightly on his lips, only getting a sassy hiss from him, but he sees how Doyoung is smiling in the mirror as he is leaving. He rushes to get the door, but obviously, Jaemin has gotten it already, Taeyong, Jungwoo and Yuta coming inside one after the other. He greets them and he has to lie to his friends when they ask if everything is okay, that he seems very nervous.

“I'm just tipsy, I had a few beers over lunch” He says at Mark

“Someone is enjoying their vacation” Sophia hugs him as she is coming again to the livingroom “Im so happy about it Jaehyun, you totally deserve it”

“Don’t indulge him Soph” Mark says as she seats on his lap “He is going to believe that he is actually doing a good job, right Yuta?”

“Im with Jaehyun on this one” he says, taking a smile out Jaehyun “He had done an amazing job this year”

“Aww” Sophia hums “You should listen to them more and take an actual break Mark”

“Is he still defending that a work trip is a vacation?” Taeyong inserts himself on the conversation and Sophia answers him with a nod “You are never going to learn right?”

Mark shrugs, and Taeyong and Sophia look at them shaking their heads. Jaehyun gets that as his cue to get to the kitchen and prepares two glasses of wine, and texts Doyoung. On his way to the living room, he stops himself on the hall.

“Hello! Everyone!” he catches everyone's attention, obviously, because he is not in a conference room and his voice echoes in the room, everyone looking at him like meerkats “I have an announcement to make”

Now everyone had stop the chattering completely and by the way Jeno is looking and smiling at him, Jaehyun guessed he knows. But everyone else is looking at him without a clue in their eyes, so he happily gets back to his speech.

“I don’t want to make this super long but” Jaehyun keeps on talking as he sees Doyoung getting out of the room quietly. He is wearing his bunny socks, his hair perfectly done and the lino pants with the knitted vest are doing wonders on him. Jaehyun wishes he wasn’t wearing any shirt under it, but it was cold, and he didn’t want him to catch a cold either, so he thanks that he chose to be safe over slutty “These past months and mainly weeks I have been… hmm.. investing on a project”

At this point, Jaehyun wishes he had prepared a speech because now he was looking like a complete alcoholic with two glasses of wine in his hand. He tries to get it done quickly

“I have been investing in something, well, rather someone… what the hell” Jaehyun shakes his head “I want to introduce to you guys to my boyfriend”

And he doesn’t know if everyone is looking shocked because of the shortness of his speech or because of the meaning of it, so he guesses is both. Everyone is frowning and he can't give them an answer, he wants to show them, so he looks at Doyoung and motions him a tilt with his head, indicating that he should be getting into frame with him. So Doyoung does that, and when he does, everyone exhales a loud gasp, looking like a horror painting.

Sophia has both hands covering her mouth, eyes opened like plates. Jeno still looks shocked, but he is smiling proudly. Jaemin is seriously looking at Doyoung but tilting his head slowly as he starts smirking. Renjun can't stop smiling, kicking his feet slightly as he is sitting in a chair (and he obviously doesn’t reach the floor). Taeyong is opening his mouth and looking at Jungwoo, who is doing exactly the same thing as him. Yuta is crossing his arms as he is standing, nodding at both of them. Mark is just frozen in his chair. He doesn’t know what to say, but thankfully, Doyoung does.

“Hello! I’m Doyoung, nice to meet you”

“You guys are stupid” Jungwoo says

“Stupidly cute! Oh my gosh congratulations!” Renjun breaks the silence and jumps to them with his arms open, running to them

Everyone follows him eventually and he feels like he just told them the most exciting news ever. Maybe they were.

During the night they tell their friends how the whole month turned out, about the whole lunch at the restaurant, the deck, the watch (they skip every sex scene over the past days).

“I cant believe you guys went to that restaurant without me” Yuta scoffs, visibly drunk

“We can go whenever you want” Doyoung kisses his cheek

“Now! I want to go now!”

“I think I am going to take him home” Taeyong says “I know you guys are going to start work pretty soon and I want him to rest as much as he can before it”

“Let me get the cab” Jungwoo says, unlocking his phone

“Jungie you can stay if you want” Jaehyun says

“Of course, stay! Let me drive you guys, I only had a glass of wine a couple of hours ago” Doyoung says

“You sure?” Taeyong looks at him doubtful “He might puke in your car”

“Been there, done that” Yuta mumbles

“Come on” Doyoung grunts, trying to pick Yuta up, but failing miserably by falling on top of him

“Here, let me take him”

Jaehyun helps get Doyoung up and he kisses his forehead. He now picks Yuta up, almost piggybacking all the way into the elevator. They went down by themselves as no one wanted to get into an elevator with a drunk Yuta. He waits for them at the parking, focusing too hard on not making the Japanese guy fall. The elevator opens up again and he finds Doyoung getting out of it, Mark, Sophia and Taeyong with him.

“You guys leaving too?” Jaehyun pouts

“I have classes tomorrow morning Jae” Sohpia says, helping him get Yuta to the car

“And I can’t stand Renjun and Jungwoo bickering anymore” Mark says “I'm going to dream about their high ass fuck pitched voices”

“Don’t be rude Mark” Sophia scolds him

“You only say that because you also have a high ass pitched voice” Mark teases her, running away from her because he knows she is most likely going to hit him in the head

“Whatever” Sophia says, turning to Jaehyun quickly “You should hear him moan, he sounds like an old lady”

“SOPHIA!”

“Sophia Jesus, I didn’t need to know that” Jaehyun frowns, mostly because he is disgusted, but also because lifting Yuta up to get him on the backseat is not an easy job

They say goodbye to each other and Jaehyun feels extremely soft by the kiss that Taeyong gives him on the forehead. Maybe because the older one has to actually tippytoe to get it there, and Jaehyun always lowers himself a few centimeters to him. Maybe because the sight of Doyoung driving their friends home is such a domestic thing to do, and Jaehyun wishes he could tag along but he has to stop the bickering between his friends before he gets his first noise complaint.

So, as he waves goodbye and sees the car getting out of the parking, he rushes again back to his apartment. He can already hear the screaming voices as the elevator gets near his floor.

“It’s not my fucking fault Renjun!” he hears Jungwoo screaming the moment he opens the door of his apartment

“I am not saying is your fault oh my god!” Jaehyun hears Renjun answering and he sees how Jaemin and Jeno are grabbing him, but Renjun is just kicking his legs in the air at Jungwoo, or at least trying “I was just complaining about the poor fucking marketing that Starbucks has, why did you feel attacked?”

“Because that’s literally my fucking job?”

“But you don’t work for Starbucks” Jeno quickly says, grabbing Renjun harder, trying to set peace “You are just a community manager, not theirs”

“What do you mean by just a community manager?” Jungwoo rolls his eyes and turns his head, spotting Jaehyun in the middle of the hall “Did you listen to him Jaehyun? Apparently, I am just a community manager”

“He didn’t say it like that Jungie, please calm down”

Jaehyun tries, but he fails. He tries to make each of them listen, but they can only scream things that make no sense to him. He thinks about calling the actual police, but his problems go away when he hears the door opening.

“You and you” Doyoung points to the two uncivilized friends “You have two options: either you say sorry to each other and stay here all the time you want, or you leave this instantly and you two would be on a timeout from this apartment”

“But you don’t even live here!” Jeno defends

“Jeno don’t get involved, I don’t want to get mad at you”

Before Jeno can say anything more, Renjun and Jungwoo are already apologizing to each other, and they both admit that it was something stupid to fight over. Jaehyun mentally thanked them because he didn’t want to deal with it at the moment. They spend another hour talking and playing a couple of games until Jungwoo decides he is in fact tired, and that he is going to sleep in the studio room.

Lucky for him, Jaehyun had to change the small sofa that was there for a pull-out bed, because some days ago he and Doyoung got caught into something and they broke it. It wasn’t sex yet, but they were pretty worked up just rubbing themselves against each other and both of them were pretty harsh on each other even if they were just sucking each other out. They just couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. But Jaehyun didn’t say anything like that to Jungwoo when he asked about this new furniture piece, he just said it was something that Doyoung gifted to him because it wasn’t a lie. Doyoung had been the one sitting on it while it broke, and he was so ashamed after they finished that he ordered it right away. Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun decided to share the sofa, also pulling half of it out so it could be spacious enough for the three of them.

With the beds sorted out, Jaehyun ran to his room, closing it right after Doyoung snuck in. He did want to lock it but just because he knew his friends had zero boundaries and they would come to his bathroom if the other one was occupied, but he didn’t lock it. He was still learning about Doyoung, but he knew about this trigger, so he just closed it, praying that their friends didn’t walk in while they were sleeping in the middle of the night.

When they went into bed, Jaehyun could not help but smile at Doyoung, because even if he loved seeing him in his clothes, he almost loved even more that Doyoung had already brought some of his stay-in clothes, because apparently Jaehyun’s ones were way too big it wasn’t even oversized, it was uncomfortable.

“Thank you for tonight” he whispered

Doyoung’s back was pressed against Jaehyun's chest, and at the same time, he was grabbing his plushie. It was a perfect chain of cuddles. Doyoung couldn’t answer because he was already heavily sleeping, so Jaehyun just kissed his nape and fell asleep too.

The next morning when Jaehyun woke up, he saw the door of his bathroom open, Doyoung washing his face. He wanted too bad to go over to him and hug him, cuddle him back into the bed, but he wanted to have at least one productive day in the past two weeks, so he woke up. He kissed and hugged Doyoung on his way to the shower, whining about how the older had already showered without him, but Doyoung promised to make him breakfast, so he just nodded quickly and showered fast.

When he came out to his kitchen, he saw Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun sleeping on the sofa, all of their arms and legs tangled between them. They tried not to make too much noise as they had their breakfast in the kitchen bar, only when they finished did Jungwoo appear in the hall, way too sleepy yet.

“Good morning Jungie” Jaehyun said, smiling

“Easy for you to say” Jungo growled, filling a huge cup of the coffee Jaehyun made some minutes ago

“Does your head hurt?” Doyoung asked “Do you need some Advil?”

“That’s so nice of you” Jungwoo sits with them in the bar “Don’t you guys have any decency?”

“What are you talking about?” Jaehyun frowns visibly as he asks

“Don’t act all innocent now Jae, I know what you are”

“Jungwoo are you okay? Are you still drunk?”

“I heard you guys last night” Jungwoo says, and Doyoung chokes “You guys were so loud I thought you were five of you”

“What are you even saying?” Jaehyun raises his voice, seeing that his friends were starting to move in the couch, probably woken up from their conversation “What did you hear?” he whispers again

“Jaehyun, I heard you guys fucking oh my god, do you want me to spell it for you?”

“What are you saying? I fell asleep right after I got into bed” Doyoung says “I promise”

“Me too” Jaehyun says as he raises his hand too, swearing on it “We literally did nothing”

They look at each other with so much doubt in their eyes, and Jaehyun is about to say something about maybe the neighbors having a wild night, but he never heard anything outside his apartment, so that couldn’t be it. He starts to laugh softly because he knows Jungwoo must be teasing him, but then he raises his head and sees Jeno sitting on his couch, stretching his arms over his head, and he sees it. He sees a hundred hickeys on his neck and his exposed waist as his t-shirt is getting up from his stretches.

And when he stands up and comes closer, he can see how the hickeys are red, his neck is flustered, everything too recent. So, he does the math, and so do Jungwoo and Doyoung because they just stare at each other, silent but slightly nodding. And when Renjun and Jaemin wake up too and they go to the kitchen to make the coffee, they all see that the three of them are in a very similar state, so they just smile and finish their coffee in silence. Jaehyun was going to ask Jeno, obviously, but not today.

-

He wishes October would last forever, but it doesn’t, and that’s okay. Because weeks go on, and it's okay because he keeps on seeing Doyoung every day at work, and if he gets lucky, they spend the night in each other’s apartment. Sometimes they go to Doyoung’s and enjoy the silent drive, getting into bed right after having separate showers (because if they shower together, they take too much time, and Doyoung likes preparing Jaehyun breakfast while he is showering, or at least that’s why Jaehyun thinks because he does that every time). But other nights, they go to Jaehyun’s, hands all over themselves in the ride back home, sometimes getting way to riled up in the elevator, sometimes not even making it to the bed and just stripping each other naked after closing the main door. Tonight is one of those nights.

“Fuck Jaehyun” Doyoung whines as Jaehyun presses his chest against the wall, left hand on his nape and right hand touching his thigh gently

It’s too gentle, and Jaehyun knows it, but he loves to tease. He loves teasing Doyoung until he is shaking from a mere wet kiss or heavy lick on his neck. So, he teases him as far as he can. He presses his chest against Doyoung's back so the other can feel him hard on his lower back.

Jaehyun sometimes loves being the tall one because Doyoung looks up at him so teasingly when he's horny, but he sometimes also hates it because he wants to be able to press himself completely against his ass. Right now, that is one of those times, but he can solve it. He maneuvers him and turns him around, now both of their cocks touching each other, and they are about to be even closer because Jaehyun lifts Doyoung up so the older can place his legs around Jaehyun’s hip, tightening the grip so he doesn’t fall. But Jaehyun knows he is not going to fall, because as he has, he moves both of them to the living room, dropping him gently onto the couch, kneeling in front of him.

Jaehyun thinks that Doyoung probably knows that he is going to blow him because that’s the only thing that he has done in the past two months, but that’s okay with him. So, he gets on with his mission, spitting carefully to not drop it on the couch as he gets Doyoung’s length in his mouth, knowing he is doing good because Doyoung can’t seem to articulate a word. But Jaehyun is wrong because he speaks up.

“I want you inside Jaehyun” he whispers, and Jaehyun has to take his cock out of his mouth and look at him, only seeing an already wrecked Doyoung with tears in  his eyes “Please Jaehyun I want you to fuck me”

Jaehyun blinks, wanting to ask him a million questions, but Doyoung lays a bit more in the couch, opening up his legs slowly. Jaehyun is going to faint.

“Fucking hell Doyoung”

Jaehyun moves his hand quickly, his thumb going over the plug that Doyoung just showed him. He had no idea the older one had had it there the whole night, he probably would have fucked him in the bar's bathroom if he knew, but that would have killed the whole first-time romance. He presses his thumb onto the plug, as if it was a button, and Jaehyun smirks because it does work like a button because every time he presses, Doyoung whines. It’s almost comical, and Jaehyun would have teased him if his cock wasn’t getting painfully hard at the whole sight: Doyoung had now his legs completely spread, one of his hands in his thigh, but the other one he is biting down on it, because Jaehyun sees how he wants to scream, and who is him to deny him such a right?

Jaehyun stands up, cupping his face with one hand, using the other one to remove Doyoung’s hand from his mouth.

“I want you to be vocal baby” he whispers “Don’t be shy now okay? I want to make sure you want this”

“I want this” he mumbles “Do you?”

“Of course I want this”

Jaehyun confirms it with him with a deep kiss, burying his face in his. Doyoung starts to get vocal again and shows how much he likes it. As he stands up again to try to clear his mind, Doyoung is already swallowing him down. It most definitely doesn’t help Jaehyun to clear his mind, but it doesn’t matter. He grabs the older’s hair softly between his fingers, and when Doyoung starts taking too much in his mouth, Jaehyun has to pull him back. Sometimes he got too eager, and even if Jaehyun let him most of the time, tonight was going to be a long one and he wanted Doyoung to be fully composed.

He sees how he is pouting, almost parting his lips to tell Jaehyun something, but he quickly turns him again, now his face pressing into the back of the sofa and his knees on the seats. He knows that they should be doing this on their beds, on the kitchen counter, even if the floor if that meant not staining the sofa's fabric, but he can’t bring himself to move himself over anything that is not Doyoung’s ass. He can’t keep his hands out of his, touching his thighs and kneading every centimeter of skin that crosses his fingertips.

He pushes again a few times the plug into him, but Doyoung moves his hips in tiny circles, so small that not anyone could notice them but Jaehyun, and he is obsessed with him. He sees how his whole body is tensing up and releasing the muscles second after second, and when he gently takes the plug out, he sees how he is now clenching against nothing. Jaehyun thinks it must be a weird feeling, so he quickly puts the plug aside and gets his mouth to work. Doyoung obviously lets out a huge moan, whining every time Jaehyun makes little thrusts with his tongue.

“Do you want my fingers baby?” Jaehyun whispers, getting close to Doyoung and grabbing him by his hips

“Yes please, now”

Jaehyun kisses his nape and spits on his index finger, slowly entering it into him. As he expected, one finger is not enough to fill Doyoung’s body or mind right now, so adding now a second finger with more spit only seems like the right thing to do, and it seems that Doyoung takes it nicely, because he is not whining anymore but letting out soft moans. Jaehyun knows he can moan even louder, but he wants to be gentle, he doesn’t want him to get hurt because he is just too impatient, so he needs to be the one with a clear mind.

After what feels like a couple of minutes, he adds another finger, and as it becomes tighter, Doyoung becomes a little bit louder. Jaehyun smiles, kissing his inner thighs and lower back, knowing that what comes next isn’t going to give him as much pleasure at first.

“Baby, do you think you are ready?”

“Just a couple more minutes please” Doyoung whispers

“Don’t rush baby, we can do it another time if you want, I don’t want you to feel pressured”

And Doyoung doesn’t answer, so he slowly takes his fingers out of him and tries to hug him, but the older seems startled by it, so Jaehyun stops himself. He knows in this case he should only talk to him, not get that close.

“Talk to me baby, what's wrong? Do you want me to dress up?”

“It’s okay Jae it's just…” he shifts himself in the couch, sitting with his knees touching his chest “I don’t know, I don’t want to… I don’t know… I guess I just want to be good for you and it has been so long since, you know, the thing we talked about the other day”

“Hey baby” Jaehyun kneels in front of him, leaving him space but letting him know that he is there “Doyoung I don’t care how long has it been since you had sex with someone, I just want you to be ready, and if you are don’t, I want to wait”

“But I am ready, I promise” Doyoung now takes his face out his knees “I don’t want you to be disappointed in me or… like… my perform-”

“Don’t even say it” Jaehyun shakes his head softly “You know I had been enjoying way too much these weeks, and I know you have been enjoying them too, right?” they both smile at this, and Doyoung nods shyly “Then, you don’t need to worry about anything or anyone that is not you, okay? I told you already I want to do this because I want you Doyoung, I really want you”

“Okay” Doyoung says, but he keeps looking at Jaehyun for a couple of seconds “Can you hug me?”

“Of course, come here” Jaehyun opens his arms and lets his back hit the floor as Doyoung just throws himself into him, both now on the floor “And please let’s go to the room, I almost couldn’t get hard thinking of staining the sofa”

“Well you were hard so maybe you didn’t worry as much as you think about my belongings” Jaehyun teases, knowing that would set the mood off the anxious vibes

As they are walking through the hall to the room, Jaehyun sees their clothes on the floor and he couldn’t be less bothered about them being there, in fact, he thinks he likes it too much, the sight of Doyoung’s clothes in his hall. But his mind becomes clearer when he sees Doyoung standing in his room, the dim light of the sunrise coming through the tall window over his bed. He most definitely rather likes this sight, Doyoung naked in his room, looking absolutely breathless.

And this time, they both get more in synch. Jaehyun kisses him again and they both find themselves in the kiss, or at least Jaehyun does, but he feels how well Doyoung hands are moving through his body, and he thinks that Doyoung must be feeling the same way too. And as they make the kiss wetter, it makes it deeper, and they need to lay down on the bed, now Jaehyun on his back and Doyoung straddling him.

“I think I want to ride you” Doyoung whispers in his ear as he breaks the kiss “I am most definitely ready for that now”

“Perfect, just let me make sure, okay?”

Jaehyun has to ask again, and when Doyoung nods and places himself chest down in the bed, Jaehyun starts again inserting fingers again, this time slower, caressing his back and pressing his thumb all over his skin. When he is again at three fingers with not much uncomfortable clenching, he decides he is ready.

“Do you want me to take the condom?”

“Let me have it, you just get comfortable” Doyoung says, opening one of Jaehyun’s nightstands

“Trust me, I couldn’t be more comfortable right now”

Doyoung nods and smiles at Jaehyun, and Jaehyun thinks that if he wasn’t already lying down, he would have dropped to the floor. But it gets worse (or better) because Doyoung is now rolling the condom right down his length, and he is leaving kisses all over his abdomen and the little, short-trimmed hairs that go through his belly button to his crotch. Jaehyun once asked Doyoung if he didn’t mind that he didn’t shave, because Jaehyun was just too scared to get a blade near his dick, and he was too ashamed to go to a beauty salon. But luckily Doyoung said he didn’t mind at all, that he sometimes did it out of habit, and sometimes he didn’t because he didn’t have much time.

Jaehyun didn’t mind it either, but he knew he would look cleaner without it because Doyoung looked cleaner than him right now. It is not only cleaner, but it is also much more delicate or intimate. Maybe he could ask Doyoung if he could shave him, but he doubts that if he would drop to his knees to do so he was going to be able to stay still, and if the thought of having a blade near his soft dick was terrifying, having one near his hard cock was just something he couldn’t process.

But thankfully, Doyoung didn’t give him so much time to keep thinking about this stuff because he quickly straddled him again, his hips moving dangerously close and slow.

“Are you teasing me?” Jaehyun asks softly, with a smirk, his hands on Doyoung’s thighs

“Maybe, I wanted to know how it feels”

Jaehyun smirks and gets close to him to kiss him, cupping his face. He thought that the kiss was going to be gentle and encouraging, but Doyoung was already encouraged because now he was grinding against his lower self, and it was doing wonders for Jaehyun. Doyoung set Jaehyun against the headboard, holding onto his shoulders as he lifted himself a bit. Jaehyun got his cock between his hands and placed it neatly between him.

The next seconds were the shortest and the longest of his life, because Doyoung was moving painfully slowly down his length, but at the same time, he couldn’t believe he already got all the way down. There are clear signs of that, like Doyoung’s fingers piercing right into his shoulders or his face, biting his lip, and closing his eyes, but Jaehyun can also feel him, how tight he is. He really can't make up his mind around it, can make his mind of Doyoung around him, and it gets worse when he starts moving slowly.

“Fuck Jaehyun” he whimpers

“Are you okay baby? Do you want to stop?”

“Please no, fuck” he now moans

They are both enjoying this and they can't really communicate with words but with acts, because once it starts, is a mess. It’s a hot and cold mess, how Doyoung picks up the pace and Jaehyun feels so close already that is embarrassing, so he has to ask him to go slower, but that seems to be worse, and Jaehyun is now moving him faster. He knows Doyoung would probably have bruises with the shape of his fingers for a couple of days, but that was only making him go harder.

Jaehyun doesn’t know where to put his hands when Doyoung has picked an amazing pace for himself, and he thinks it's only fair to pleasure him in the same way, so he spits on it and starts jerking him off. It only takes a couple of pumps until Doyoung is getting his nails dangerously close under his skin.

“Fuck Jaehyun, you are going to be the death of me”

Jaehyun can only assume he tells him that because he is whispering but also speaking so fast, as if his brain couldn’t process what was going on. In a second Jaehyun tries to sit straighter, but Doyoung seems to have a completely different thought, because he pulls himself out of their embrace and lays down, legs closing shyly. Jaehyun now rests on his knees, in front of him, placing his sticky hands in his inner thighs, trying to spread them apart, but Doyoung shakes his head softly.

“What do you want baby?” Jaehyun whispers, not wanting to set off the whole intimacy of the moment

Doyoung blinks a couple of times, like asking for permission, and Jaehyun nods, because he wants to know what he wants, and when he nods, Doyoung answers, but not in a verbal way. He lifts his legs together, getting a hold of them by interlacing his fingers behind them, offering Jaehyun a full display of himself.

Jaehyun wishes he could take a picture of the sight because he knows it can’t get any better. Or at least that’s what he thinks at first, but when he starts pushing himself slowly into him, he much prefers this one. Doyoung is moaning his name, and curse words, he is begging Jaehyun to continue. And Jaehyun can only provide for him as he keeps on thrusting. This time he can't bring himself to touch him again, but just because he thinks it’s going to be overstimulating him, so he just keeps on fucking him, both of his calves resting on his left shoulder.

They can't seem to find a common pace, just both moving erratically, trying to pleasure each other. Doyoung is clenching every time he can, Jaehyun can feel it, and every minute feels harder and harder to hold onto that. He does want to try to hold on, or at least until Doyoung is satisfied, so when Doyoung raises his voice and clenches even harder, Jaehyun can only focus on the sudden white sticky ribbons that decorate Doyoung’s pale abdomen. They are almost undistinguishable, but Jaehyun knows by the way his lips are parting and how hard he is gripping the sheets that he is now satisfied. So, he also lets himself go inside him with one last thrust that makes both of them scream each other names.

And even if Jaehyun wishes that he could stay like that forever, not wanting to pull out of him in some time, he knows he can't let him lay on his bed like that, mostly because Doyoung is blinking with heavy eyes and Jaehyun does not want him to fall asleep in this condition.

“Doyoung baby, are you okay?” he hears a beautiful hum “Okay, I am going to go to the bathroom really quick to clean you up a bit”

Doyoung nods, opening slowly his eyes again. Jaehyun doesn’t want to leave him like that, so he rushes into the bathroom, takes away the condom, and ties it, throwing it into the trash quickly. He wipes himself fast with a dirty t-shirt that he had on the bathroom floor (not his proudest moment) and he wets a towel to clean Doyoung because he knows the older wasn’t going to like the feeling of a dirty shirt on him. He guesses it's only normal.

As he promised, he cleans Doyoung thoroughly, wrapping him in some blankets after that, only to join him minutes later. He gets to be the big spoon again, but just because Doyoung is already sleeping when he gets to bed, and he loves falling asleep with his head snuck up behind his nape, he sleeps the best when he sleeps like that.

-

“Are we really doing this every fucking year?”

Mark almost yells, a bit too drunk, because they just finished dinner, and he is already cursing.

Jaehyun is happy, way too happy. Not because they are having dinner on  New Year’s Eve in Doyoung’s apartment. Yes, they are that official. But also, because this year there were going to be way too much people to fit in Jaemin, Jeno, and now, Renjun’s apartment, because Mark had moved with Sophia.

Mark and Sophia’s, same as Jungwoo and Taeyong, weren’t as big as their apartment, and as big as Jaehyun’s, so they were off limits. But Jaehyun’s apartment wasn’t close to Doyoung’s one, so the older offered his place to have dinner, telling everyone beforehand that it was kind of far from the center and they couldn’t sleep there.

This year, they were just too many people: Taeyong came with Yuta and Jungwoo obviously, Mark came with Sophia, but also Jisung, his coworker. Same with Jeno with Renjun, who now was as friends with them as everyone else, and also Jaemin, who brought his foreign friends, Chenle and Ten, which they met on his birthday. And then, Jaehyun and Doyoung, but Doyoung brought his friend Donghyuck and Daejún. So, fifteen people. Yes.

“This is the closest I’ve had to a family dinner” Jeno said to Jaehyun as they were both on dishes duties “I don’t know if I like it”

“You will, I’m sure of that” Jaehyun glances behind his shoulder to check there is no one close to them “And sorry that I am bringing this up but I didn’t want to ask you by phone… and you haven’t been in seoul for two days straight since forever”

“I know, I’m trying to get in Ferragamo, so I have been going to Italy back and forth” Jeno puts another clean dish away and looks at Jaehyun “Mi dispiace”

“Buongiorno to you too” Jaehyun says, unbothered “Now tell me about you and Jaemin and Renjun”

“Mi scusi” Jeno says, and Jaehyun guesses he’s saying sorry because he is smirking as he leaves him cleaning the dishes

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, shaking his head. He finishes the dishes that Donhyuck brings him, while the rest of them set the table to have some dessert. When Jaehyun turns around to look for a piece of fabric in which he can dry his hand, he contemplates the living room.

Taeyong is sitting between Jaemin and Ten, showing both of them pictures on his phone. Doyoung is cutting the various desserts everyone brought along with Yuta and  Jungwoo. Renjun, Daejún and Chenle are straight up yapping in Chinese, sitting in the table too. He curses himself for not continuing his Chinese lessons, because Renjun is way too into the conversation he knows it's juicy. Donghyuck is now chatting with Mark, and the oldest can't stop laughing. Jeno, Jisung and Sophia are setting up the karaoke machine (that Renjun insisted on bringing), and everything seems right in his place.

They all gather in the table, and Jaemin takes out the magic box. Is not like Jaehyun is not affected by the sight of it anymore, but every year it gets more bearable, and this year he has Doyoung by his side, so that’s a big relief.

“Should we also do the age thing?” Jaehyun asks

“Of course, I want to get this done”

“What are we doing exactly?” Chenle asks, biting on some cut fruit

“Reading three of our resolutions for this year and checking if we did good” Mark explains “And writing three new ones and getting them inside the box”

Chenle smiles and nods, getting the idea of it.

“So, everyone get their papers ready” Taeyong says, taking out his “I literally don’t remember what I wrote last year” he clears his throat “So… Start journaling once a week, limit processed foods and start a professional blog or portfolio. I pretty much did these, even if the blog is under development… so two and a half”

“Two and a half what?” Sophia asks

“Shots” Taeyong says proudly “I decided to take a shot for everything that I did that I wrote down”

“Seems only fair” Yuta agrees, taking out his paper “I wrote reach out to old friends, explore a new hobby every season and try a local tourist activity, because even if I have been here for years I don’t feel like I know the city, so yeah, three”

“Not three” Taeyong shuts him “Picking up a hobby besides cooking”

“Cooking Spanish food can be a hobby Taeyong”

“I am not discussing this again baby, take the shots” Taeyong surrenders “I think Doyoung is next”

“Uhm, okay” Doyoung takes out his phone “I wrote them out in my Notion, hold up” and before anyone (Donghyuck) can ask what a Notion is, he starts speaking again “Support sustainable brands, practice positive affirmations daily and save a higher percentage up from my paycheck… I think I only did the paycheck thing, I didn’t know sustainable things were so not affordable”

“I think I have to go now?” Ten introduces himself unsure “Join a volunteer group and take a spontaneous trip, I actually did both so I will take a third one just for motivation”

“Seems fair” Jaehyun agrees “I think I wrote stupid shit because I didn’t want to fail but I don’t remember… Take up photography, okay one” Jaehyun sweats “Make time for friends at least once a month, okay two… and improve time management skills.. well… two”

They laugh it off and keep on reading their resolutions, and even if Jaehyun wants to listen, he is high on happiness. He is looking at Doyoung shyly, smiling softly when the older presses his fingers on his arm in a playful way, and he gets all flustered when they hold hands. He doesn’t want to get too clingy and make others uncomfortable, but his friends were also very physical with each other, so he let himself be clingy with Doyoung.

After reading everyone's resolutions they decided to get that karaoke machine in use, blasting over some classics, Taeyong and Ten dueting on some songs; Mark, Donghyuck, Jeno, Jaemin, Chenle, Renjun and Jisung covering some K-pop songs, and him and Doyoung attempting to sing a girl group song, which they get such good grade thanks to Doyoung blessed vocal cords.

He was extremely happy, he couldn’t help it. He knows that besides these resolutions, he did a lot this year. First of all, he waited, he waited to be good, he waited until he was healed, he waited for his loved ones. He waited so everything could be better around him, and that pay off.

Jaehyun improved so much in his work that he almost couldn’t believe himself, and not only that, but he was also able to prove it to Yuta and to Doyoung, and they praised him because he deserved it.

He knows his friends are doing good, his family is doing good, Doyoung is doing good, everything is going smoothly. And unlike some other moments in his life, it doesn’t feel like the calm before the storm, but like the rainbow after it. It also feels like, in case there is another storm, he is ready.

He started to be way more positive about a lot of things that he didn’t know he was being negative about, he was getting to do everything he once wished, every little thing from when he was a kid until now, he has been ticking the boxes out, and there weren’t so many left.

Chapter Text

He needed himself, above anything else, above anyone else, he needed himself. He couldn’t back down, he couldn’t feel lost, he couldn’t hang in there just trying to get a hold of whatever was happening surrounding him, he had to be alert. All the time.

Not because he wanted to, but because if not, he was going to get eaten alive.

Doyoung wasn't a troublemaker, and he doesn’t understand how, because during his life he only experienced troubles, problems, issues after issues.

It started one day, a Wednesday, and he remembers it vividly even if he was only four. He always spent Wednesday’s afternoons at his grandparents, his mother ones. They had a lovely house at the outsides of the city, and even if the car ride wasn’t really long, it was his grandad who picked him up on Wednesdays and he drove them to his place. He was a slow driver, but Doyoung didn’t mind, he loved sightseeing. Always told him to not look to close to the window, that he was going to get carsick, but Doyoung always reassured him that he was okay, even if sometimes he got a little dizzy.

He spent the day there, because every Wednesday his father had to go to Incheon because of his work, and his mother always had a double shift at the hospital that day. And he really didn’t mind, because he knew his mother would pick him up at night, very sleepy and with his belly full of his grandma’s soup, and he always fell asleep on the way back, waking up early the next day with a present from his father, from Incheon, such as a little action figure or a new car toy.

Doyoung remembers it greatly because one day, it stopped, and it made him miserable. That Wednesday, his mom didn’t pick him up, and he fell asleep in the spare room their grandparents had. He woke up at night, disoriented, because he didn’t know where he was at first, and when he didn’t recognize his dinosaur lamp, he started crying. But no one came to him, maybe because he wasn’t really crying, or because the cries were stuck so deep in his little body that no one was able to hear it. The next morning, he woke up early, like a normal school day, but he didn’t go to school that day. No one came to pick him up until two days later.

Doyoung still prays that no one came to pick him up at all, because he knows everything would have been so much different.

After three days in his grandparents’ house, his dad came. And he knew it was his dad by the clothes he was wearing, because anything made him his dad apart from that: he had grown a very uneven beard, his eyes were darker, his face was sad and tired, not a single wrinkle after smiling because he wasn’t smiling at all. He was paler, shaking, and his voice sounded like from a stranger to him. Doyoung was almost unsure about if that was really his father.

But when he picked him up, Doyoung knew it was his father, all he could smell was cigarettes, and a subtle hint of his expensive cologne. He wanted to throw up, because everything didn’t seem real and he was getting dizzy,  but he didn’t throw up, he blacked out on his dads arms.

He doesn’t remember exactly what happened when he woke up, but because from that day until the day he left to Japan, everything felt the same. It didn’t look the same, but Doyoung felt it like that.

It started with the realization of his mother passing away.

He wished and prayed a hundred of times that it was him, that he couldn’t leave without his mother, and more clearly, his dad didn’t know either how to. Up to this day, he thinks he lost both of his parents on that car accident, even if his father wasn’t there.

He became depressed, stopped going to work, so he eventually got fired. He didn’t get up in the mornings or sleep at nights, Doyoung saw him everyday for the first three years after his mom passed away sitting in the couch, almost like a ghost.

Doyoung kept on going to school because his next-door neighbor picked him up and dropped him off, as his kid was in the same school but two years older. He kept his life, but because he was terrified of ending like his dad. He was only five years old, he didn’t know any better, and he didn’t want to upset anyone, so he just kept on.

But one night, at his seventh birthday, he cried. He cried for the first time, and he cried for his mother, but mainly because of his father. His memories were fading dangerously slowly as he was growing up, getting glimpses of her whenever he smelled her perfume on one of his teachers, or when he recognized a piece of clothing he used to wear. He was starting to forget what she looked like, what color were her eyes and how her voice sounded, but that night, he remembered about that song that her mom used to sing him whenever he couldn’t sleep.

He doesn’t know how he was reminded, but he did. And as fast as he remembered, he heard something from the kitchen, snapping him out of his memories. He hurriedly sat in his bed, trying to remember, hitting his forehead with his small hands, trying to pull his thin hair out as he screamed his mother's name, but he couldn’t remember, not anymore. And suddenly he could only see his father, shaking him out of his delusion, yelling at him to not say his mother's name, to shut the fuck up.

This didn’t help Doyoung snap out of his trance, only getting him more worked up on it, wanting to escape from his room. And he tried, he tried running out from this monster that was telling him to not speak about his mother, forbidding him from remembering her. But the monster was faster, he was always faster than him.

Doyoung had a hard time separating this monster from his father, because the next morning, his dad seemed normal again. He wasn’t sitting on the couch but cooking breakfast, and he drove Doyoung to school. He thought that the man from last night that almost made him run out of air wasn’t him, he believed it couldn’t be him.

But he wasn’t a hundred percent sure, and as his dad looked normal one day, the next day he was very much like that monster. He didn’t know what could trigger that out of him, he wanted to know, he wanted to figure it out, but he never did. Sometimes, Doyoung was having dinner with him in the living room and the next minute he was being forced into the bathroom, locking him for hours. He yelled the whole time he was locked in, afraid of what was going to happen, but it was always the same.

The first time his father locked him up, the next morning he acted so strange, not knowing why he was locked there. Doyoung wanted to tell him, but he was half scared, half confused. Didn’t he know what happened? Wasn’t he the one that locked him up after pushing him all the way to the floor? Was he going to get that mad again if he told him? Probably yes, so he just acted like if he got locked in by mistake.

Every time that happened, he acted it out, afraid to death of what might happen if he told the truth. Sometimes he didn’t know how many hours he spent there, as he lost his voice screaming too much and his fists were bleeding from punching the door. But it was all part of a very wicked routine.

Other times Doyoung was just studying, and he heard strong noises in the living room. The first time, he went quickly to see what it was, and he saw his father just losing his mind over the smallest decorations they still had on the shelves, and as fast as he saw Doyoung, he started throwing them at him. The other times Doyoung just heard these noises, he just stayed as silent as he could, praying that his father didn’t remember he was at home.

As Doyoung grew a bit, he spent more and more time outside his house, realizing everything that was happening around him, but it confused him to the point where whenever he started thinking about the whole thing, he would have a panic attack. Everything around him and his father and his house was a strange vortex, and he couldn’t get out. He felt guilty when he came back to his house, when he was around twelve, and he saw his father passed out on the floor. He always tried to help him, even if the older only spat on him and pulled his hair hard. He just couldn’t abandon him, he was his father, even if sometimes he didn’t act like it.

But Doyoung wasn’t really conscious of a lot of things that were going to stick with him, as an obvious result of a trauma.

Like the smell of smoking, every time he smelled it he could feel himself being four again, carried out his grandparents’ house in his father's arms, passed out. His father kept on smoking after his mother died, and he just couldn't not flinch whenever he saw a man smoking,

He hated locks, he never locked any door, not even the one in his room. He thought about what might happen is his father were to enter his room and it was locked, and all Doyoung could do was flinch, imagining the worst.

He realized also that he hated slow drives, only being able to bear them when he was looking through the window, but anyway, he tried so hard to avoid getting on cars.

There were a lot of things that Doyoung was realizing that he just couldn’t bear them, and every day it was getting harder to keep on being, it was exhausting. He hated being in his house, constantly being in danger, scared, some days even paralyzed of doing anything that could upset anyone.

He didn’t have any friends, he had to steal money from his father to go to the pharmacy, to get his glasses. He ate whatever was available in the fridge, sometimes having to visit his neighbor who used to take him to school. She guessed that something must be wrong with the whole situation, but he knew better than to get in the middle of it. Doyoung would be forever thankful for it because even if it was unbearable, he doesn’t know what his father might have done to her if they had taken him away.

One day, at his school, he was feeling extremely tired during his third period, so after it finished, instead of going outside, he stayed a little bit more in the class, trying to rest a bit.

“Kim Doyoung?” Takehiko Nakamoto, his Japanese teacher came into the class after a couple of minutes after being alone “What are you doing here?”

“I’m so sorry sir” Doyoung quickly sat straighter, gathering his things from his temporary desk

“It's okay, stay” he told him as he went to the teacher's table “I was just leaving my stuff here for the next class”

But Doyoung didn’t want to upset him, so he kept gathering his things, this time slower so he didn’t bother him, but his teacher seemed to not care about what he was doing. He still got up when he was finished, and as he crossed the doorframe, his teacher called him, this time a bit louder, startling Doyoung.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you kid” the teacher said to him, not getting close (which Doyoung thanked) “I actually wanted to ask you about your opinion on a project we might do next year” Doyoung nodded, not knowing exactly what was that he wanted from him “How old are you?”

“I am going to be fifteen next February sir”

“Great, then this might interest you” he cleared his voice “We are thinking of preparing an exchange studying program, between this high school and one in Tokyo, in Japan”

Doyoung smiled as he heard the city's name, as for quite some months he had been enjoying so much the Japanese lectures that this teacher was giving him, making him able to understand more of the language every day, and also introducing him to new music and series. He also loved hearing how his teacher talked Japanese,  and when he pronounced those words, something in Doyoung's stomach stirred. But he wasn’t going to get too drunk on the feeling, he was not going to get too ahead.

“We were thinking of an exchange program so you guys could study your last two years of high school there, do you think people could be interested? Or are we really getting into late meetings every single Monday for nothing?”

Doyoung smiled, feeling a bit more confident of himself when his teacher was being a bit more informal, and that he was asking him out of everyone. He wasn’t a person with a very big ego, so moments like this always got the most shy responses out of him.

“I think people would love it”

“And you?” Doyoung looked directly into his eyes when he asked him that “Would you be interested in applying?”

“Hm, I don’t think so”

“Why? You are my best student, not only from your class, or year, but the whole school. Doyoung, I mean it, you are super smart for your age, I think going overseas could be such an opportunity for you”

Doyoung smiles, because how could he not? He imagines himself going away from everything, starting his life from starch. Such an opportunity was enough to start with a clean slate. But he could only dream, right?

At that moment, he just shook his head, excusing himself and going to the next empty classroom in which he could keep on resting. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t rest when his mind was going at a hundred miles per hour. He kept on thinking about it for weeks, sometimes watching videos on his laptop about the lifestyle there, the city.

The idea faded a bit after some months, and around the end of the year, the idea came directly in front of him. And very literally, because he was, like every other Wednesday at his last period, sitting at the end of the Japanese class. The teacher was handing them the exams, and with his, another paper slide on his desk.

It was the official application to this exchange program. Doyoung started reading it, eagerly, reading about the terms and conditions, the high school, the prices,… He was reading it way too fast to understand, but having something that he was able to hold onto, now he was hopeful.

As the class ended, he stayed. Hoping that his teacher would also stay, and he did, approaching Doyoung and sitting at a desk near him.

“What do you think?” he asked, as if he were asking if he saw last night's soccer game

“It's cool, it's great that you could pull this off”

“But you don’t sound too excited”

“Because I can't go” Doyoung said, sincerely, shifting in his chair

“Why?” his teacher asked, getting his glasses out of his face, so his frowning was now more visible

“It’s too expensive-”

“But you can apply for a part-time job, and ask for a scholarship, it’s there” he pointed at the pamphlet

“I don’t even know where I could live-”

“The high school provides free accommodation for the exchange students”

“I don’t even know that much Japanese-”

“Doyoung” he cut him “Why?” he asked in Japanese

“Because I can’t” Doyoung answered in Japanese too, because he knew he couldn’t talk out loud about these things in Korean

“Doyoung, I want you to go”

“But I can't, I'm sorry. I need to take care of my father” Doyoung gulped, blinking repeatedly, trying really hard not to run away from him

“You need to take care of yourself” his teacher told him, like it was the most obvious thing in the world “Think about it and tell me if you need anything. My number is written there. Please think about it Doyoung”

But unlike the first time that he spoke with him about this, he didn’t let himself think about it. He threw away the pamphlet as soon as he got out of the school, tears running down his face as he walked to his house. He wasn’t sad, he was frustrated. He felt pathetic that he had hyped himself up all these weeks, and now that he was given the opportunity to, he couldn’t even face it. He knew he was being pathetic, he knew it, and he hated it.

He was so choked up with his own feelings of self-deprecation that he was going to actually lose it if he came into his house, only realizing it when he entered it, his father lying down on the kitchen floor, as always. But today he really didn’t want to deal with it, so he got out and closed the door. He turned, not knowing exactly where to go, but when he got down the street again, he knew.

He doesn’t know how, or even why, but he knows where he needs to go there. He gets on one bus, and then another, and then another. He doesn’t know exactly if he is going there, but he tries to get as close as his memory lets him. It’s painful, remembering the last time that he went there, and how he couldn’t remembering coming back. Maybe he needed closure? Was he going to find it?

As soon as he saw the sign of the village, he went down to the next stop. He didn’t know if there was a closer one, but he didn’t mind. He most definitely gets to his grandparents from here. And when he did, it was like he was meant to be there because as soon as he spotted their house and went running there, he couldn’t knock on their door, but as he turned his head to the small kitchen window they had, his grandma was there, looking at him. Was she waiting for him?

He couldn’t ask, he couldn’t talk, and as both of their grandparents went out to get him inside, he couldn’t talk to them, he could only cry. He bawled his eyes out from all those years, feeling scared to death. He didn’t want to be there, but he needed it, he needed to take care of himself.

It was a very hard time for Doyoung, not to come back to his house that week. He didn’t tell anyone what happened with his father, but he guessed his grandparents could know, and that maybe, his Japanese teacher knew too. It wasn’t like it was very obvious, or at least that’s why he thought.

When he was small, he had a lot of bruises and scratches all around, and as he was a kid, everyone would just assume he was clumsy. But Doyoung learned not to be startled by the marks on his body, and he realized too late that it wasn’t normal to be all bruised up when he was fifteen.

So, he stayed with his grandparents that week, his grandfather was too old to drive, but he went with him to school every day by bus, did some chores in the city, and came to pick him up to take the bus back to their place. He still can't talk about it, he doesn’t want to talk about it, because he knows its not over. He is just staying for a while at their place until he gets better. And he knows that if he talks about his father everything is going to get ugly, and he doesn’t want it, but maybe he can talk about other things.

“I want to go away” he whispers one night when he is finishing his dinner

“Where Doyoung?”

“To Japan, there is a trip at my school” he gulps, not knowing why he had brought this up, but he feels his chest a bit lighter when he thinks about the whole exchange thing “It is only for a couple of weeks, and I want to go”

“Then go, we can go with you to the airport”

“It's not that, it’s hmm, well, I am going to ask tomorrow in the school and maybe I can tell you about it”

“That sounds perfect son” his grandmother tells him “Now go shower and rest”

Doyoung nods, even if he wants to stay and talk to them, to clean, to help, he obeys.

The next day he builds up the courage and asks for a pamphlet in the secretary's office, it may seem like a normal task, but Doyoung hates talking to older people, and he thinks he is going to pee himself when a man gives him the pamphlet and pats his shoulder lightly, smiling at him.

He runs out of there to get to the stairs and starts reading again what he read a couple of weeks ago, now with a clearer mind. His teacher was right, he can ask for a part-time job at the high school library, he can apply for a scholarship, he can try.

He gets scared because he feels his heart beating. He had never felt it, and even if it was uncomfortable, he could get used to the feeling of feeling alive. Even if it's overwhelming, he can.

During the bus trip with his grandfather, he explains the trip to him, only skipping the whole two-year thing. He would deal with it when he was there, but right now he just needed to get out. So, at night, they talk calmly about it, something Doyoung had never experienced, and he is getting himself ready to be straight up slapped afterward, and he does tense up when his grandfather gets up from the chair and goes out from the kitchen, only returning with an envelope in his hand. He is handing him money to pay for the application and the deposit.

He knows, deep down he knows he shouldn’t take it because he doesn’t deserve it. He knows he doesn’t, but he can't let it go now that is so close to him. He can’t, so he doesn’t try. He just nods, crying, unable to even say thank you.

Everything moves way too fast for Doyoung over the next few days, as he is speeding up all the bureaucracy that needs to be done, such as signing papers and paying for the deposits. He obviously fakes his father's signature on every single paper, and he knows his teacher knows because he knew that was his calligraphy, but every time he plays the act along and thanks him.

“You know Doyoung, I never told you this because I truly thought you weren’t going to do it” he says once he collected the last payment from him “I actually have a son there, his name is Yuta, he is about the same age as you, only one year older”

Doyoung looks at him surprised because he is only fifteen and he never thought that his teachers were people as well, with family and houses outside the school.

“Even if I work here some months per year, we are very, very close. I haven’t talked to him about you, but I am letting you know that you can always reach out to him when you are there. He goes to the same school. Yuta Nakamoto”

Doyoung smiles, hearing him, but his eyes are locked on the little list that his teacher has, next to his name written ready. He knows it must be some poor translation of him, that he meant to write okay or done, but Doyoung smiles because ready seems to be an okay translation. He is going to try and remember the name, in case something happens, but he doubts he is going to need it.

The next weeks go way too quickly for him, crossing the days in his calendar every night. There was something inside him that couldn’t believe it, but whenever that happened, he opened his phone and saw the plane ticket with his name. But still, he needs one thing to do.

He left his father's house without anything else but his school backpack, and he had been dressing in his grandfather's old clothes, but he still needed his things. They are not that much, but he needs them.

The last day of school for Doyoung isn’t any different for him, and he doesn’t feel relieved or sad, it's just another Friday of his life. He doesn’t know what he is going to do until the 20^th of August except for counting the days, but he guesses his grandparents needed some help in the house.

As he was thinking about how he could help them, he got to the bus stop, but his grandfather wasn’t there. He tried not to panic, and even if he wanted to know if he was okay, he could only think about coming back to his father. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t think about it, he needed him to come back. So, he waited.

He waited for hours, and he was almost going to fall asleep at the bus stop, but as the sunrise was setting, the last bus stopped in front of him. He wasn’t going to go in, but he saw someone waving at him, his grandfather was waving at him from inside the bus.

He quickly collected his backpack and got onto the bus, walking hurriedly towards him. And as he got closer, he saw it. He saw his face, all scratched up, a bit of dried blood on his left ear. He is visibly shaking, even if he is trying to not show it. And when Doyoung sits with him, he sees that, in between his legs, there is a big bag. And it's full of things he can recognize, like his blanket, or his other pair of sneakers, his laptop. It's messy, everything about this is messy.

The bag is messy, full of scratched memories, of things Doyoung has but doesn’t own. Full of detachment but full of need.

His grandfather's condition is messy, he is not doing okay.

His mind is a mess, trying to understand everything that is happening. It can't be happening, but it is, and he can't understand anything. He breathes, way too fast, but he is breathing. He sees his grandfather looking at him, worriedly but smiling, and Doyoung can't handle it, he wants to break down, but he can't. He really can't break down, not right now.

He breaks down at night, and every night for the next two months he breaks down, feeling like the worst person ever. He tries to cancel the whole Japan thing, but he can’t do it, he can’t leave their grandparents alone, they have been suffering too much without him.

You need to take care of yourself.

That’s the only phrase that Doyoung seems to remember at night when his chest hurts from crying and his shoulders are so tense up that he can’t move. Sometimes, as he remembers it in Japanese, he can't bring himself to know what that means, far too gone in his headspace. Other nights he acknowledges it, and even if he doesn’t think he deserves to be taken care of, he nods to himself.

You need to take care of yourself.

He thinks of his grandparents, about lying to them, taking their money, using their house, their clothes…. He thinks about how he wakes up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, and he realizes he has been sleeping the whole day, when he silently goes to the kitchen to get some water, he sees a plate of food. It's cold, it's obviously cold because it's late and he didn’t get out of his room for dinner, but he gulps it down until his tummy hurts.

You need to take care of yourself.

He thinks of his father, of how he was. He thinks about calling him, about running back. He cries because he thinks that he can’t live with him, but maybe he can't live without him either. It's too much for him, yearning for something so painful, so traumatic.

You need to take care of yourself.

He forces himself to believe it, even if he doesn’t think it's true, even if it kills him, he has to cling to that.

-

“I will call you when I get there, I promise”

“We believe in you son” his grandmother says to him

Doyoung doesn’t feel real. He doesn’t feel the embrace of his grandmother is real, he doesn’t feel like the queue that he is standing in front of security is real. Everything is too sudden, too staged. But as the policeman calls him to keep on moving, he snaps. Even if it was real, he didn’t want to believe it.

He didn’t want to say goodbye to his grandparents; he didn’t want to go. He didn’t know anything about anything, and deep down, he felt like he was doing something wrong, something so wrong, he thought that he was never going to be forgiven. His heart aches when he's waving at them, and a sudden thought appears: what if he never sees them again?

The wait for the plane is exhausting, he has teachers and a couple of students around him, but he is exhausted. He doesn’t belong there; he couldn’t do it. Walking inside the plane looking for his seat is suffocating. Doyoung wants to run, but his legs are moving forward. His mind doesn’t want to go, but his body is aching to.

At the same time, he feels like something switches on him when he lands, as he is aware of the tears that have been running down all the flight. He feels disoriented, almost forced out to get off the plane by the people next to his seats who, apparently, seem to want to go down. But Doyoung doesn’t, he wants to go back.

But Doyoung doesn’t.

He is collected by his teachers, and they all go out of the airport with so much joy that Doyoung can't understand. He can't be excited about this; he reminds himself of that all the time.

You need to take care of yourself.

 He wishes he could believe it harder without feeling an imposter. Without feeling like the worst person ever, and the thing that it scares him the most is that something in the back of his brain is happy. He doesn’t know how to be happy.

-

The first week in Japan go painfully slow.

He was given a very small room, consisting of a hall with closets on both sides, a tiny bathroom at his left, and then, in his room, he had a bed at the left, a couple of kitchen appliances, and a desk, and at the front a balcony. It was small, even a bit suffocating, but it was his space. He had his key, which looked like a hotel room one because his room was as small as that, but it was comforting that it was his. His space.

He learned to live in that small space, doing his laundry, and getting his fridge stocked on whatever was cheaper that day at the supermarket. He tried reading, but he could only find books in Japanese, and he didn’t know that much of the language yet. He loved having breakfast on his balcony, taking whatever he had to eat, such as apples, cereals or sweet rice cakes. He went on little walks, listening to new music that he was discovering, letting himself be a part of that island.

Doyoung called his grandparents when the first week finished and he told them the truth. He bawled his eyes out, and he cried even harder when he heard how they weren’t mad, they were encouraging him to take care and grow. He wanted to hug them so badly, even if he never liked hugging, he needed to see them. He needed to get himself together and be good, to do good for them

He thought starting classes was going to be harder, but it wasn’t. People were nice to him, complimenting him on his Japanese skills, and he felt warmer. He wasn’t becoming friends with anyone, but it was nice to have classmates around.

The second week, he went to the library to ask for that part-time job. He believes that day his fate changed.

A lady told him about the possible jobs he could apply for and one of them was taking care of the children's room and storytelling. He thought that it was easier to handle that than to interact with older people, so he chose that.  He only had to come in the afternoons for a couple of hours, tidy the little room up, sort the toys and books again, and before going, read a couple of books if any children were there. He thought he was going to do this alone, but the next day when he arrived, he already saw another boy in that room.

He was brooming the floor with some headphones on and he thought he looked super cool. He seemed older, but he still had such an interesting vibe. He had dark brown hair with some hints of red, only visible when the room lights were hitting his head directly. He was wearing a tracksuit with a football t-shirt and a pair of very ugly sneakers. Doyoung stood on the door frame, waiting for him to finish, and luckily, he realized soon that he wasn’t alone there.

“Oh hi” he quickly got his headphones out and greeted him “Are you new here?”

“Hm, yes”

“Nice, well, welcome. My name is Yuta, Yuta Nakamoto”

Doyoung froze, Yuta? Nakamoto? Was he…? Did he…?

“Hello, I’m Doyoung, Kim Doyoung”

“Oh, are you Korean?” he nodded “Seems right, you didn’t look Japanese to me, but you speak so well!”

“Thank you, hm, I am learning”

“I wish I could speak Korean like you speak Japanese, I only know what my dad teaches me, he is a Japanese teacher in Seoul”

Doyoung wants to tell him, he needs to be honest.

“Uhm yes, I know” he spoke slowly but picked up the pace as the older seemed confused about his response “I am an exchange student from Seoul, I study in the same high school where your father teaches”

“Oh! Are you kidding me? That’s so cool dude!” Yuta quickly went over to Doyoung, extending his hand to shake his “Nice to meet you then, I hope you don’t hold any grudges against the Nakamoto family”

That seemed to be a joke because he was laughing, but Doyoung quickly shifted.

“Not at all, I think your father is a great teacher”

“I'm joking dude, I know he is a great man”

But Doyoung couldn’t confirm this as he didn’t believe good men existed.

-

And even if he didn’t believe it, he tried to be a good one. He tried to be a good boy, student, and teacher, and this was a first for him, a good friend.

He could say Yuta Nakamoto was his first friend.

He spent some afternoons with him in the library when they had the same shifts, and after that, Yuta always walked him home. In every walk, he learned something new: a new word, a new place, a new song. He was learning so much about Japan, about Yuta, and himself.

One day at the library, they were preparing some silly skit for a couple of children. Two of them, Hirose Ryo and Fujinaga Sakuya, were usual attendees on the show. They knew their names because they spent every single afternoon in the library, in the children's room. They were best friends, and their parents were teachers in the school, so they spent their whole afternoons together in that little area.

Doyoung enjoyed being with them so much, as he could see how happy they would get whenever they entered the class. Doyoung was fifteen and they were four years old. He didn’t know it at first, but they were healing his inner child. He felt proud of them whenever they could read something good out loud, and whenever some of their parents would come and pick both of them up, they would always have some snacks prepared for them, but also for Yuta and Doyoung. For the first time in his life, he felt like he belonged somewhere. He felt good there, doing his chores, completing his homework in the free time he had, and walking home with Yuta.

Everything was falling into place, but he felt reluctant. Maybe this whole Japan thing was a bubble, a bracket in his life.

When they were about to end the first year, Doyoung had to face reality; they were supposed to go back to Korea over the summer. He knew that, deep down he knew that, but he couldn’t accept it. Even if knew he would come back to his grandparents, he couldn’t do it.

He received this news over some fucking stupid email that he read when he was taking a bathroom break. He started hyperventilating, feeling suffocated by his clothes, even though he was wearing a simple white shirt and some fitted jeans, he was suffocating. The closed door of the bathroom stall wasn’t helping him, so he pushed it open, hitting him in the face when it slammed. He ran to the sink, getting water all over his face. He didn’t realize he was bleeding through his nose until he saw blood stains on his shirt sleeves.

He wasn’t thinking right, he couldn’t. His brain was bringing everything up, everything that he didn’t process because he skipped it the moment he landed in this country as if he could run from it forever. He wasn’t breathing, gasping for air as he was also pulling his hair. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t keep on hyperventilating, everything was foggy.

He heard some loud slam and another thud in front of him, and as he squinted his eyes, he saw Yuta. He was saying something, trying to shake him out of his panic attack, but nothing seemed to work. He saw how Yuta went quickly over the door of the bathroom locking it.

Something inside Doyoung shifted, quickly getting up, tripping over his steps, but getting to where Yuta was. He opened the lock with shaky hands, and when the older tried to close it again, he shook his head, begging him not to. Yuta seemed confused but he understood the assignment.

Over some messy words that Doyoung couldn’t understand hundred percent, they both sat on the floor, both of their back on the door. It wasn’t locked but no one could enter, and that seemed to calm him for a bit. Yuta was grabbing his hands, squishing them every couple of seconds, giving him some kind of grounding. It was enough for him to start breathing again and opening his eyes slowly.

“I’m sorry I just-”

“Shh, breathe Doyoung”

“I know but-”

“If you know then breathe, we can talk later, okay?”

Doyoung just nods, resting his head on Yuta’s shoulder, trying to soothe himself on him. After what feels like an eternity, he feels calmer, even if his phone is burning in his pocket and he wants to smash it so he doesn’t need to answer that email. Yuta offers to go to his house because it’s not good for him if he sleeps alone tonight, and Doyoung nods.

Being welcomed in Yuta’s house feels weird as he had forgotten about what having a mother was like. He greets both, scolding lightly at Yuta for not telling her that Doyoung was coming, that she would have cooked something better. But Doyoung is amazed by her dishes, and about how easy it was to be eating in their kitchen, the three of them. He imagined that the atmosphere would be warmer if Takehiko Nakamoto was here too, and he thought about how lucky Yuta was.

And for the first time, he thought about how fucking unlucky he was. He wasn’t thinking about if he deserved it or not, but how fucking unlucky he was. His mother died twelve years ago and since then, his father has made his life a living hell. He couldn’t understand why everything happened; he just didn’t want to come back. He wasn’t ready.

At night, they were both going to sleep in Yutas room, in futons spread on the floor. He took some of the older’s clothes to change into more comfortable ones, as Yutas mother, Aira, insisted on washing Doyoung’s clothes. She didn’t even ask why there were blood stains on his shirt, and he thanked her for not doing so.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yuta broke the silence, whispering

The vibe was different from the bathroom one, and the fact that they were mostly in darkness helped. It was mostly dark because they were in Tokyo, and as a result of the contamination, the sky was always lit up, even at night. Doyoung didn’t know if he liked it or not, but he was also learning not to be in complete darkness.

“They told me that I need to go back to Seoul in the summer, and I don’t want to”

“Don’t you want to see your family?” Doyoung gulps loudly, and Yuta tries to mend it “I thought you never talked about them because you missed them”

“I don’t want to see my family, I really don’t”

“And why don’t you stay then, what do you need?”

“First of all, a place to stay, because the housing is going to kick me out in two weeks, and then I would need to find another part-time job because I don’t have any money, also I would need to see the visa-”

“Okay, let’s do something” Doyoung can feel Yuta shifting in his futon, coming closer to Doyoung “Let’s sleep tonight and figure things out tomorrow, right now there is not much we can do”

“I guess you are right”

“Of course, I always am”

Yuta laughs softly, and Doyoung smiles. He felt better after these short words, but because he found some reassurance in Yuta’s words. He didn’t know if they were going to be true after all, but he wanted to believe.

The next morning, when he wakes up, Yuta is not in the room. He guesses he went out running, as he told him he usually does, but he hears him laughing downstairs. He goes quickly to the bathroom to make himself decent, and when he goes downstairs, he is shaken. He can’t even say a word.

Yuta is there, with his mother, but also his father. Doyoung doesn’t know why but he feels bad, he feels guilty. It has been so much time since he was under the same roof with an older man, he didn’t know what to do. He felt bad, anxiety all over his body. It didn’t feel better when Aira invited him to the kitchen to have some breakfast, or when Yuta asked him how he slept. But for some reason, when his dad smiled at him, fondly even, he felt calmer. He shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t bring his guard down, but he feels the whole scenery reassuring.

It took a while for Doyoung to understand what was happening. He couldn’t understand completely what was happening, but he got a few things out of the conversation.

Firstly, they were going to let him live with them over the summer. He would move to the guests’ room, which was in the attic. He could move in whenever he wanted, but not until next week because they would need to clean it first. Doyoung wanted to fight them about him helping to clean, but it was honestly impossible to speak for him.

Second of all, they told them that he didn’t need to do anything for them in exchange, but if he wanted to earn some money, he could help Aira on the small farm they had in the countryside. While they were explaining about their farmhouse, Yuta went overboard with a lot of explanations and anecdotes about how fun is over there, as they had such a cool neighborhood community, and they did a lot of small food markets.

Also, Takehiko, as a member of the school and organizer of the exchange program, would handle his visa.

Once again, everything seemed too real to be true. But it was.

He moved when the classes finished, Yuta and another friend of his helped him move his things out of the room. Unexpectedly, he had been gathering a couple of things this year and he thought that when he came back, he would have to buy another luggage. But that didn’t matter as soon as he went up to the attic. They prepared the room for him with so much care that Doyoung didn’t know how to react. There was a bed, a desk with a couple of stationery items, and a small closet. They told him about the closest bathroom that was Yutas one. They also asked him to tell them in advance if someone was going to sleep over.

Doyoung shook his head quickly, stumbling in his words as he tried to explain that he had no intention of inviting anyone over.

“That’s okay kid, just for future reference, we don’t mind, just tell us” Takehiko said to him

Doyoung had never thought about the possibility of bringing someone, like, who would he bring? The only friend he had was Yuta, and this was his house, so there was no need to tell them that his son was going to stay in his own house, right? Either way, he didn’t get to tell them anything for the whole summer.

They went to the farmhouse a lot- and Doyoung picked up on his first hobby. He didn’t know what kind of hobby it was exactly, but everything about trying the local food, tasting the food that Yutas family made, everything seemed so simple yet so nurturing. He learned even more about Yuta, and about how even if he seemed like such a cool guy and had the trendiest outfits and hairstyles, he was the most selfless kid and the first one to help his family out. He introduced Doyoung to his whole family, his friends, his secret places, and his favorite restaurants. He couldn’t grow tired of this.

-

“So, did you enjoy your time here Doyoung?” Aira asked him one morning at the end of August

Airas' voice was angelic. She had a southern Japanese accent, and at first, Doyoung had a hard time understanding a couple of words, but after two months he was already used to her tone, to her melodic voice when she was asking something, or even the smallest deeper notes that went out of her when she was mad at Yuta.

“I am loving it, ma’am, I really am”

“Please Doyoung call me Aira” he teased “We have grown closer this summer, didn’t we?”

“Hm, yes, hm-”

“Don’t fret boy, I am kidding” he smiled at him fondly “I just never been this close to any of my son’s friends, and the ones I knew I didn’t like really, but you are special, my husband was right”

“Did he talk to you about me?”

“Barely, but I must say you live up to my expectations and even more. I didn’t know someone at sixteen could be so down to earth you know. Even if Yuta is older than you, he seems way more lost, I hope you are teaching him good things Doyoung”

“Yuta is the smartest kid I have met; I think you have nothing to worry”

“You cherish him too much, don’t be shy and scold him from time to time”

They walked a bit more around the small village, saying hello to a couple of neighbors that Doyoung already recognized. Even if he wasn’t tired he felt comfort when they were walking already back to the house, with a basket full of strawberries and oranges. He would never get tired of this smell.

“How long have you been out?” Takehiko asked both when they came into the big kitchen with both their hands full

“Not for long darling, we only went for a stroll”

“Perfect then, I will be cooking today so you guys can rest if you want”

They assorted the things in the kitchen and cleaned for about ten minutes, waiting for Yuta to come back from his daily run. He knew he should join him from time to time, but Doyoung had no strength whatsoever to just run, he didn’t like the feeling, as if he was being chased. He rather would walk calmly with his mother.

“By the way Doyoung, I want to have a word with you after lunch” Takehiko said to him as Doyoung was getting out of the kitchen

Doyoung blinked twice, not knowing what would happen “Hm, okay sir, if you want, we can-”

“No, don’t worry, we can talk afterward”

The tone was calm. The words weren’t harsh, but Doyoung had to rush to the bathroom because he wanted to puke. He threw all of his breakfast up, feeling dizzy. He wanted to talk with him? About what? He couldn’t know.
He didn’t want to know.

Minutes passed like hours. Yuta came back, and they talked for a bit, but Doyoung couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t. Even at lunch, he couldn’t eat more than a couple of spoonfuls of the reishabu that Yuta and his father made the day before. His mind was about to collapse.

“Well, I see you are not eating much Doyoung, are you okay?”

Before Doyoung could answer Takehiko’s question, Yuta came to his rescue “Of course he is going to be nervous dad, you told him that you wanted to talk to him and said nothing about it!”

“But it wasn’t something bad, I just wanted all of us to be at the table together!”

“I know, but still, I would get as nervous as him, even if I never do something to be scolded for”

“Yuta, don’t tease us” Aira told him

“Whatever, should I tell him?” Yuta answered

“Tell me what?” Doyoung finally spoke, once his throat was free of possible tears

“We have been talking and we think that it could be nice if you stayed with us for the next year too” Aira explained “I know it’s a lot to ask and that you probably want some space too, we know we have been so invasive, but I don’t know, we love having you here”

Doyoung doesn’t know what to say. Are they messing with him?

“You don’t have to answer right now, but we wanted you to think about it”

“But can I?”

“Of course you can think about it Doyoung, you don’t need to make a de-”

“I mean staying with you”

“Of course, that’s why we asked you” Yuta said

“I won’t be staying for a long time, but I would make sure to visit from time to time, on vacations and some weekends” Takehiko intervenes “You can also come to Seoul with me if you want to visit your grandparents”

Doyoung thinks that he knows about his grandparents because of the airport moment. It must be it, but still, he thanked him for not mentioning another one from his family.

Like most things, it takes Doyoung a lot of time to accept their offer. He thinks about all the benefits of living with his best friend, with his amazing mother, in a safe environment. But still, he also thinks about if it’s going to be too painful if he goes back to a household.

But he discovers that it’s not that painful, and that, in fact, it heals him. Not completely, he is never going to lose what he was, what he is, but he thinks about this.

You need to take care of yourself.

He realizes that when he does, and other people too, he feels nice. It feels nice going out with Yuta, even if the older one doesn’t go to his high school anymore. He is attending culinary school, and even if he is not doing as well as he wishes, Doyoung supports him. They go together and study at the library, where Doyoung still has this part-time job that he loves.

He loves spending time with the kids, he loves walking home with Yuta and a couple of friends of his (who are starting to be friends of his too). He loves coming home to Aira’s home cooking and hearing her bickering with his husband on the phone about whatever happened back in Seoul.

He loves calling his grandparents and knowing about them. He loves talking to them about the latest museum he visited with his friends and his classes, which he also loves. They ask a lot about Yuta, and sometimes they get to talk to him because Doyoung has been teaching Yuta some Korean. He also enrolled in a Korean school, because he didn’t have so much to do in the afternoon.

He is enjoying this process, even if he still believes it's going to end, he thinks it's not going to hurt to enjoy it while he can. He already has been through hell, he doesn’t mind going through it again, but he enjoys a bit of peace in between what might come.

-

It's not hell, but Doyoung feels like he is about to die when his grandfather calls him one night and tells him that his grandmother died. He can’t quite understand how, even if he explained to him a hundred times about a very contagious virus that had spread through the area. He doesn’t get it, and he feels like it's his fault. For not being here. But the feeling gets worse when he flights next week to the funeral only to find out that his grandfather died two days ago from the same virus.

The doctor explained to him that it was understandable that a lot of old people had been dying from that disease. He wants to scream to him that he doesn’t care if a hundred people died from that, he just wanted his grandparents alive. Takehiko has to hold him and drag him out of the hospital because he is messily crying.

They both go to the funeral, and his father is not there. He doesn’t know if he is sad because he is not or if he is glad, but he is thankful that he doesn’t have to deal with another thing that day. He stays in Seoul for almost a week in Takehiko’s apartment, sorting out the whole inheritance thing. Doyoung doesn’t want it, and before they can tell him what it is, he declines it. He doesn’t want to get any debts or any money. He doesn’t want to get their things; he doesn’t deserve it. He asks Takehiko if he can donate whatever is inside their house, that he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He just nods and promises he is going to take care of it.

He gets back to Japan, and November never felt colder.

Yuta and Aira pick him up from the airport, and while Yuta drives, Aira gets his hand from the backseat. Doyoung can tell she is crying too, but she tries to hide it. He doesn’t skip school because he knows it's going to get worse. He doesn’t even know how it can be worse, because he had let his grandparents die, but he knows he needs to get back to his routine. He realizes he doesn’t have anything to come back to Seoul, and that makes him anxious. He doesn’t have anyone there, but he knows he will have to come back eventually.

Doyoung tries to be better, he really tries. He tries to overcome it, and even if he knows that he is never going to get really over it, he tries to take care of him. Not only for him but for everyone who loves him or has loved him.

He spends New Year's Eve with Yuta and his family, his birthday too. He slowly brings himself to that Japanese high that he was into, knowing that is going to come to a real end. Around May, Yuta drops out of the culinary school.

“Mom but it’s really fucking useless, really, like they don’t know how to do anything, and they think that-”

“Yuta! I don’t care! You can’t drop out just because you think you are better than the rest” Aira answered, and Doyoung finds hard to feel bad if she was scolding him because she sounded well to calm

“I don’t think so!” Yuta says, and Doyoung scoffs a bit because he knows how Yuta thinks of himself

And without a doubt, Yuta is really a wonder kid. Doyoung has seen what he can do, he has seen the potential of his best friend. As he picked up on the Korean classes, he has been learning about Korean food too, and he has been trying. Doyoung had been living in Korea for fifteen years and the best home-cooked food was from Yuta. He just had it, and he was only eighteen. Doyoung was now seventeen, but he knew Yuta had it in him.

“Don’t laugh at the silly things he says Doyoung, he is not going to learn”

“But he is right mom, he knows how awful they are”

“Still! What do you plan on doing? A stay-at-home teenager?” she asks with a hint of irony

“Of course not! I want to try another course”

“Where Yuta? This was the best one in Tokyo”

“It’s in Seoul” he says, as if it was the most normal thing to answer

“You can’t go to Seoul” his mother said after a few seconds

“Why? Doyoung came to Tokyo and I can’t go to Seoul?”

“It’s different Yuta”

“Why mom?”

“Where are you going to leave Yuta? How much does it cost? How much time is it going to take?”

The conversation picks up quickly and Doyoung starts to not get what they were saying. He didn’t understand all of the words, but he got a hold of it. He thought that Aira didn’t want to leave Yuta alone in Seoul, because if that happened, she would be alone in Tokyo. She was young, and it must be so hard to live by yourself when you had a husband and a kid.

At night, Yuta decided that he wanted to go out with some friends, and Doyoung didn’t want to be alone in the house with Aira, not because he didn’t feel safe, but because he knew she needed to be alone, so Doyoung went out with him.

He wasn’t eighteen yet, so they couldn’t go to the bars that Yuta and his friends used to go to. Instead, they went to one of their friends’ houses, really close to Yuta’s. Doyoung thought about the possibility of going back if he was feeling tired. But he had a good time until they started to get a bit wasted.

Don’t get him wrong, he had tried alcohol (only the ones that Yuta gave to him) but he didn’t like to get drunk. Still, they weren’t uncomfortable to be around, so he spent a couple more minutes with them.

“So Yuta, truth or dare” Yuto Adachi, one of Yuta’s younger friends, asked him

“Dare, I’m not in the mood to spill anything tonight”

“Okay so… kiss Doyoung”

“Okay” Yuta said

Everything happened too fast. Firstly, Doyoung didn’t know what a kiss meant until they were motioning a pouting pose. He saw Yuta crawling at him, and when he grabbed his chin with his left hand, he whispered to him if he could. Doyoung didn’t think about it as he nodded, his brain was empty, but still, Yuta was emptying it more as he started kissing him. He thought he was going to go even deeper, but they say that it was enough.

He felt something weird switching inside him, something he had never felt before. He looked at Yuta, who was just smiling at him as he now sat next to him. But he couldn’t smile, not when all he wanted to do was to kiss him again. As Yuta was sitting himself straight next to Doyoung, he spilled the drink a friend gave him all over Doyoung. Everyone started laughing and before nothing else could happen, Doyoung stormed to the bathroom. Over there, he tried to wet slightly his t-shirt, but the vodka smell was too strong.

But the feeling inside of him was stronger. He felt warm, he felt hot, and for some reason, he was hard. He hadn’t experienced this before, but he heard a lot of boys from his class messing around with this kind of joke. He didn’t even know what it was but he was hard, way harder than he had ever been, and he didn’t know what to do.

He sat in the toilet, trying to compose himself, when he heard a couple of noises in the bathroom door, only a few seconds later Yuta was entering the same room.

“Look I'm sorry Doyoung, let me clean it please”

“It’s okay, it's not coming off”

“Take the shirt off and let me rinse it please” Doyoung didn’t want to accept it, but Yuta was removing his top tank “Come on, take my shirt, I will wear this one”

Now Doyoung was even harder as he was now seeing Yuta shirtless. They both had seen each other shirtless countless times, and he had never been this aroused. Maybe it was because he was drunk, maybe it was because he was a bit sweaty, or because Yuta had this devilish smirk on his face, but he was hard.

Either way, he removed his t-shirt and put over Yuta’s tank top, which looked like a sleeveless shirt on him and his belly button was safe if he didn’t raise his arms.

That night Doyoung discovered two things: he didn’t like beer that much and he liked boys.

-

By the end of June, he had his graduation, which was very similar to Yutas one the previous year. It was a very formal act, and afterward, he went out to dinner with Yuta and both of their parents.

“So, for Doyoung” Yuta raised his glass

“For Doyoung” both his parents said at the same time.

Doyoung smiled because he felt welcomed. He felt at home. It was such a stupid feeling, mainly because they were at a restaurant that was near closing, but he felt at home. They both walked back home, and when they were all getting into the house, they decided to hang out on the terrace for a bit, because the weather was just wonderful, and the occasion was asking for it.

“So, what are your plans for the summer? We were hoping you would stay here too”

“I think I would take up on your offer, I still don’t know what I want to do”

“Don’t go to college” Yuta teased

“Let’s have a nice evening please Yukkuri”

“Someone had too much sake over here” Yuta teased her mother as he kissed her forehead “She only calls me Yukkuri when she is tipsy”

“I noticed it” Doyoung said shyly

 “See? Even Doyoung noticed it, now you have nowhere to hide”

Aira just sighed loudly, threatening everyone that she was going to head back to sleep if they were going to behave like that, but they convinced them to stay a bit more.

“So, staying the summer here, that’s good news” Takehiko added “And what about you son?”

“I wanted to talk about it but I don’t want to talk about it tonight, you know”

“Why?” Doyoung asked, curiously

“It's your night dude, I don’t want to just steal the spotlight”

“Don’t be silly, I want to know too”

“I already talked about it, about the whole culinary school in Seoul but I got shut down by my own mother ”

“Here we are” Aira scoffed

“No, but for real mom, I want to go” Yuta insisted “I really want to go, I got accepted already”

“And why don’t you go? We can all move to Seoul” his father said

“And what about me? And my work? And my family?” Aira said standing up “I don’t want to talk about it tonight, I’m sorry Doyoung, I’m going to sleep”

Aira went over to Doyoung and kissed his forehead, and Doyoung knew he shouldn’t but this time he followed her inside, trying to get to talk to her in the hall before going upstairs.

“Aira wait” Doyoung said “I know it’s not my place but I’m sure Takehiko didn’t mean it like that, you also know it”

“I know Doyoung I just… I don’t want to leave, but I don’t want to stay here without any of you”

Doyoung’s heart breaks a little hearing this. Aira is including him in staying with her. He wishes he could stay with her forever, but he has to go back too. He needs to go back to Seoul, even if nothing is waiting for him there, maybe it’s for the best. He doesn’t know how much time he can stay here without making Yuta’s parents mad at him, for them to be tired of him… it could be sooner rather than later, and Doyoung wants to leave Tokyo with satisfaction, at least, as much as he can.

He hugs her, and they both go upstairs; she goes to her room and Doyoung goes to his. It’s a very long night, he is almost unable to sleep, but he thinks about his happy moments this last year, soothing himself into sleeping.

The next days are a bit chaotic in Nakamoto’s household, but after some days, they come to a decision. Takehiko was going to drop his job in Seoul and transfer to a school in Tokyo, and Yuta would move into his father's apartment. But Doyoung didn’t know what to do. A part of him wanted to stay, even if living with Takehiko and Aira was going to be weird if Yuta wasn’t there, and they probably would kick him out as soon as he was eighteen, not because they were bad people but because he wasn’t worth it.

The other part wanted to follow Yuta. He thought about going back to Seoul a year later, alone, and that frightened him. He didn’t want to do it alone, and he didn’t want to do it at the moment, but at least he was doing it with Yuta. So Doyoung decided to go back with him, and it was a painful process.

That summer was harder than the previous one because Doyoung knew it was coming to a harsh end. He helped everyone in Yuta’s family, and he spent countless days in the farmhouse, cherishing every moment. He spent his afternoons teaching Yuta more Korean, as it was decisive that they were going to move already.

“How do you say pussy in Korean?”

“To say what? I don’t even know what that means in Japanese”

“Like instead of dick, the other thing”

“Oh god Yuta, is that really what you want to learn?” Doyoung hit him

“I already know a bunch of culinary shit; I want to know how to flirt with women. I know you are not interested in that kind of stuff but-”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Girls” Yuta said, nonchalant

“What do you mean I am not interes-”

“You have been here two years, and I haven't seen you look at a girl, like not even Momo, the super-hot girl from the bakery down the street”

“I agreed when you said you wanted to-”

“And you got hard when I kissed you”

Doyoung thinks he might get hard again if he thinks about it, so he just stood up and walked away from him, all flustered, but the older was not going to drop the subject.

“Doyoung it's okay! I am not saying you should be embarrassed or anything, I've had my way with a couple of guys too, I guess I just wanted to know if you are bisexual or-”

“I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about it” Doyoung says as he keeps walking around the farmhouse

“Okay, but we still have half an hour of classes so”

“Okay” Doyoung turns “What about you tell me why you kissed me?” He asks in Korean this time, almost embarrassed because he had lost his accent

“Hm, uh… challenge?” Yuta attempts to answer

“That was my first kiss, in case you didn’t know”

“First?”

“Yes, first and only one, and I didn’t like that you just gave it to me because you were trying to show off you’re your friends”

“Slower Doyoung, I don’t understand nothing”

“I didn’t like that you just gave it to me because you were trying to show off you’re your friends” He repeated himself, this time switching back to Japanese “I regret so much saying yes”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was your first. But I didn’t do it to show off, I felt like kissing you at the moment”

“It’s okay, but I hate that you took away the first kiss thing, when it's supposed to be something special”

“We can kiss again and make it special” Yuta said in a serious way

“Fuck off Nakamoto”

“I mean it Doyoung, I want to make it up to you”

“And why would I want you to kiss me again?”

“Because you loved it the first time” Yuta said “And because you deserve a second chance at your first kiss”

Doyoung thought it was stupid; how can a first thing could have a second chance? Still, they got slightly close to each other, and eventually, Yuta’s hand was cupping his face, asking for permission, and Doyoung nodded again, because he wanted to believe that he deserved a second chance.

This time was different, everything was different. They weren’t in a basement surrounded by Japanese drunk teenagers, they were in Yuta’s courtyard, the sun was setting, and the weather was warm. It felt deeper, even if it wasn’t as intimate as the previous one, it felt more special. It was slower, and patient, it didn’t hold desire but curiosity. Doyoung didn’t get hard on this one, because he now knew he didn’t like Yuta, but he was his best friend, and he was glad he trusted him to do this, his first kiss and his second chance too. Something about Doyoung told him this was the perfect finishing touch of the summer.

He was glad he could be like this with Yuta, and he didn’t care if it wasn’t too conventional to kiss your best friend, because he liked it. It's not like they had done it again, that was their second last time, and Doyoung would talk about it in the future with his future boyfriend. But, for the time being, Yuta was the only boy that got to kiss Doyoung at seventeen years old.

They moved in together to Seoul, to Takehiko’s apartment. It was nice, specially for both of them. It was slightly smaller when Yuta invited his hook-ups for the weekend, but Doyoung didn’t really mind. He was far more concentrated on not losing himself in the Seoul spiral again.

He had a lot of conflicted emotions about coming back to the place, the first days were hard, but he realized that the fact that he cut contact with his father completely was an amazing freeing sensation. He sometimes thought he saw him in the streets, and he even followed a couple of men to check if it was him, but he wasn’t.

Doyoung was coping with his own things at his own peace, and Yuta supported him. The first year, his Japanese friend enrolled in the Le Cordon Bleu-Sookmyung Academy, which was a very fucking important thing. Doyoung found a job as a community manager at an old clothes shop that wanted to upgrade his Instagram game. It wasn’t that Doyoung was an influencer, but he definitely knew better than an old woman. He got to save some money during the first year, and even if it was a quiet and gentle job, it was more than enough for him. Thankfully, Yuta’s family helped them with a monthly allowance, but Doyoung felt bad. He picked up a couple more places to work as a community manager to help pay the bills. After the first year, he decided he wanted to study something related to the culinary arts too, but not as serious as Yuta, as he didn’t have the money or the willingness to do it. He preferred something simpler.

He enrolled to a couple of courses and ended up working for a small Japanese restaurant at the age of nineteen. It was weird to compare himself to his best friend, who was getting even well known in his school for his amazing talent.

They kept on living together for a couple of years more, but Yuta found a more serious girlfriend, and the flat was starting to feel a little bit too crowded. Yuta never kicked Doyoung off, it was him who decided to look for something for himself, so he ended up sharing another flat. This time it was with university students, which Doyoung thought he was going to hate, but he didn’t.

He met Daejún, a Chinese guy who was studying architecture. After that, Donghyuck, a friend of his who was studying English languages, but who loved the culinary world as much as Doyoung. He bonded quickly with them, almost like trying to not be alone with himself.

After leaving Yuta in his own world with his girlfriend and his studies, he rushed a bit too much into everything. He realized how quiet his head could get at night, and how painful it was whenever he got so nervous that he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t just walk to Yuta’s room, he could call him, but it wasn’t the same. He realized that he hadn’t been dealing with a lot of things that surrounded his thoughts for a long time and that maybe he needed to take care of himself, this time for real.

He started going to therapy.

This was a bit forced by Donghyuck, who also was going to after a tough breakup. He didn’t think it was useless, but he had some doubts about it. Still, he thought it wouldn’t hurt to try. But he was wrong. He was hurting, more than he realized. He hurt so much whenever he had to go to these sessions, because he had been burying these thoughts, these actions, this mania for quite a long time, that now they were almost too deep to reach and identify them. It took him a lot of time to not drop it, as he thought he was getting worse: now he couldn’t stand the smell of the cigarettes, he didn’t the feeling of his own hair, hated the sight of locks and he froze whenever someone spoke loudly to him. It was this kind of thing that used to bother Doyoung so much that he would have a panic attack. His therapist told him that most likely they would never fade completely, and he wanted to cry at that, but he also said to him that they would get better over time. Doyoung chose to believe him, because if not, he would drown.

He chose to believe him when he said that he deserved better, that he could do better, to treat himself better, to listen to himself better. Doyoung learned about himself in a more introspective way, and sometimes it was hard to step out of that headspace of lingering between awful thoughts, but he knew it was going to be worth it in the end, right?

Daejún once told him that he had never met someone so down to earth as him. Doyoung wanted to tell him that he wasn’t down to earth because he liked it, he was dragged down and stepped on it, that people used to spit on his face when he was this down to earth, but he didn’t say anything like that, he just thanked him.

Doyoung kept on with his life, and he fell in love. It was very short but very intense, and to this day he doesn’t still know if it was love, because it was his first relationship. But he thinks it was. But maybe it wasn’t love between them but learning to be loved and loving the feeling, loving the relationship between two people.

He met Minho one night at a museum. It was cliché, very much so, but Yuta’s girlfriend, Sana, was working at the tourist tours and she had a late group so they were both to pick her up as they were going to meet for dinner. He was standing also waiting for a friend, Kibum, who was friends with Sana too. They ended up meeting at the entrance of the building, catching up quickly and they all went to have dinner. Minho was nothing but a sweetheart to him, and Doyoung didn’t know how to act. He was one of the most handsome men he had ever seen in his life, and it was obvious that they were both interested in each other.

He didn’t like that he was older, but he didn’t act like the older men he had known. Maybe it was because he wasn’t that older, or maybe because he was a good man.

They spent talking about what felt like forever, until one night, Doyoung asked to kiss him. He asked because he knew Minho would never do it without permission, and he thought it was the right moment as the older one was dropping him off. Doyoung had his official second kiss, and it was magical. He was feeling a bit ashamed about being twenty-three and had only kissed two people, one of them being his best friend, but with Minho, it didn’t matter.

They spent their days together, Doyoung learning again about Seoul and about Minho. He also faced another of the things that caused him PSTD, which was driving through Seoul. He discovered that he didn’t like slow drivers, as it reminded him too much of his grandfather, but Minho was a driver, a professional one. Sometimes he didn’t know the difference between a rally and a casual trip to Incheon, but Doyoung loved it. He loved the rushing feelings in his veins as they were speeding a little over the maximum. He loved feeling so alive.

He saved up for a year to get his driver's license. Yuta decided he wanted to do it too, so they both went to get it done, both being the older people in the class taking the exams. Minho supported him, mentally and economically, but not for long.

After a year of being together, he dumped Doyoung. Even if it was a conversation that both parties agreed, because Minho was starting to get too into the racing career, he was always out, and they couldn’t spend time together, also the time differences made communication hellish. So they both agree to cut things off, over a phone call. Doyoung dreaded every second of it, but he knew it was for the best.

He realized a couple of months after that he had not been in love because he wasn’t doing too bad. He missed him deeply, but being with him the last few months was harder. Only then did he realize that he didn’t love him, but he loved how he made him feel. No one had cherished Doyoung as Minho did, no one kissed him as he did.

Doyoung lost his virginity with him. He didn’t regret it at all, not to this day. Minho was a good man to him, and he would be forever grateful for that. They met up whenever he was in Seoul for vacation, and they always caught up with so much ease. He would always feel at ease with him, and he was definitely feeling better after his relationship. It was kind of the same feeling as when he was working at the library and he got to heal a bit of his inner child, he thinks he got to heal a bit of his fear of intimacy with him. He was doing great.

-

“Shouldn’t I? I haven’t been able to do shit since I moved here”

“Because you have been too busy thinking with your smaller head” Doyoung teased Yuta

They were drunkenly bickering in Doyoung’s room about what to do with their futures. It was a word that used to frighten Doyoung, but nowadays it made him feel more hopeful than scared. Everything he did had a solid base on it, because he wasn’t close to what he was fifteen years ago.

He was now twenty-six, and he had lived far more things than he guessed he would have. He met his grandparents again, and he enjoyed his time with them. He went to Japan and found a new life: he met his forever best friend and their family, which even if it hurt a bit to admit because it made him feel selfish, he felt they were his family too. He found hobbies, he found joy in doing such common things such as listening to music or cleaning dishes. He finished his studies and started another, he was living by himself. He had new friends, he had his first boyfriend, his first time having sex. He had found different jobs, and different opportunities. He was living his life to the fullest.

“I want to open a restaurant Doyoung” the sudden use of Japanese shocked Doyoung as much as the message

“You would crash it, you know it” he tried to play it off as playful

“I mean for real Yongie, I want to open a restaurant” Yuta sat straighter on the bed, placing his beer on Doyoungs nightstand “I want to do it” he said again, in Korean

“Are you for real Yukkie? Like for real real?”

“Yes, I am. I have been searching for establishments, the rent is not that expensive Doyoung. I might do it”

“But even if rent is not that expensive Yuta, you need a hundred more of things” he tried to explain, now getting up off the floor that he was sitting on “You would need a business plan, a business registration, a bunch of permits and licenses-”

“And insurance, funding sources, staffing, marketing” Yuta continued “I know Doyoung, but I want to do it”

“Did you talk to your parents about it?”

“Yeah…”

“What did they tell you and why do you sound already defeated?”

“They told me they could help me with the starting funding and my father has a couple of contacts that could help me get some appliances and suppliers, but they set one condition”

“And is?”

“That you work with me”

Luckily for Doyoung he was standing, because he started choking on his cheap wine so badly Yuta had to rush over to him and hit him twice on his back. He was choking because he started laughing badly.

“Why on earth would I do that Yuta?”

“I don’t know man, like, you know people, I know people too, Daejún can help us with the building permits, we can bring whoever to the project, we are starting from nothing Doyoung, we can do whatever we want”

For Doyoung it seemed like the most childish like dream, because it was just so cliché. Two guys that liked everything about the culinary world opening a restaurant. It couldn’t get cheesier than that. But why did it feel like it could be real? He realized that this could be it, the moment that would set the course for his future.

As he lay in his bed that night, he let his mind wander. Yuta’s words lingered in his thoughts for the next hours, even if the older already left his house. Opening a restaurant together, it sounded ambitious, almost surreal, but the more he thought about it, the more it felt right.

He wanted this, though the idea scared him. Maybe it was because he was feeling himself, maybe it was because he had such blind confidence in Yuta. He had always enjoyed cooking, experimenting with recipes, and watching how food brought both together. Years ago they were bonding about small restaurants and convenience stores, and lately finding himself a new family in his house, embracing everything about themselves in the kitchen, sharing anecdotes over some boiling hot stew Yuta’s mom made that morning. It wasn’t just a hobby; it was a passion, a quiet dream they never dared to say out loud. But his best friend had seen it, had pointed it out with a knowing smile, and proposed something that now seemed inevitable. 

Their combined experiences made sense. Doyoung had spent the last years learning the craft of cooking, soaking up knowledge in kitchens both professional and personal, while his best friend had just the talent. Yuta had been interested in cooking way longer than Doyoung, he just had it in him.  He could already picture it: the warmth of the restaurant’s atmosphere, the carefully curated menu, the laughter of guests filling the space. It was a dream, but it felt attainable. 

He thought about their circle of friends that Yuta wanted to ask to join them, like if they were making a football team. HE thought about Donghyuck and his exquisite taste for anything, and he thought about Daejún. Even if he didn’t know anything about cooking, he was already working as a freelancer for a couple of architecture studios, so he thought it couldn’t harm to ask him, right? This wasn’t just a two-person venture; it was a collaborative effort, one that could draw strength from the bonds they’d all nurtured over the years. 

It didn’t need to be a grand opening in some prime city location.

They started talking about it, to get their hands dirty for real, and they both liked the idea of starting small, intimate, maybe a little place on a quiet street where they could grow as they wanted to. A restaurant where the food was honest, the decor simple yet inviting, and the people who visited felt at home. The beginning didn’t need to be perfect; it just needed to be theirs. 

Of course, there would be challenges. Doyoung was realistic about that. He’d heard the stories about how brutal the restaurant business could be: the long hours, the financial risks, the endless grind. But he also knew that every great journey required sacrifice. He thought about the time they’d need to invest. It would mean late nights experimenting with recipes, early mornings sourcing the best ingredients, and countless hours spent refining their vision, but it wasn’t something that they hadn’t done already. The only difference this time was going to be that they weren’t going to be the only ones trying it, now they would make people try their food.

The idea wasn’t just a pipe dream anymore. It had legs, a foundation built on their trust in each other and the belief that they could make this work.

I want to do it

Yuta’s words resonated so much in his head the echo was starting to ache. The older had done so much for him this was the time to pay him back, because he deserved nothing less than a supportive best friend, and Doyoung wanted to be the best friend he could ever be.

Starting the restaurant was as much a test of determination as it was an exercise in collaboration. Doyoung and his best friend knew they couldn’t do it alone, and the first step was getting their circle of friends on board. Convincing them, however, required more than excitement, it demanded a clear plan.

First of all, they had to be sure about themselves, and after long months of starting the plan together, they decided to share it with their friends. It was true that the project was mainly Yuta’s, because he had the mind for it. He asked Doyoung almost daily for advice, but Doyoung knew the countless night his friend had spent getting zero sleep because of this idea.

He was still working by himself, so he couldn’t dedicate that much time to it. The main thing he wanted to do was to support his friend, to be there for him. Yuta asked to talk to Donghyuck and Daejún at his place, so they organized a casual dinner at Yuta’s place. It felt definitely emptier, because he had broken up with his girlfriend. Yuta would never admit it was because he was determined to make this work, but everyone around him knew it was. Still, he tried to reflect the attention, making a bunch of plates of flavorful dishes filling the table. As laughter echoed around the room, he made the pitch. 

“We want to start a restaurant” Yuta began, his voice steady but charged with energy “And we want you to help us” 

There was a brief silence, broken by Donghyuck’s raised eyebrow and a smirk “Us? What are you two getting us into?” 

Yuta took over, explaining the vision, and detailing the roles they envisioned for each person.

“Look” he continued, leaning forward “this isn’t just my dream, it can be something for all of us. A place we build together” 

By the end of the night, both of their friends were intrigued. It wasn’t immediate agreement—there were questions, concerns, and practicalities to address—but the spark was there. Over the next few weeks, they won both of them eventually. 

As Yuta explained he had already chosen a place to settle it. Meanwhile, he and Daejún worked with the important papers, he and Donghyuck looked for staff. They tried to look for the best cooking courses, in some closing restaurants and acquaintances they knew over the years. They didn’t find a lot of people, but they weren’t discouraged. They knew they would have to overwork themselves to make everything run, but it was going to be worth it. With the lease signed, the real work began, Daejún took the lead on designing the interior, sketching out plans that balanced simplicity with warmth. They opted for natural dark wood finishes, cozy seating, and subtle lighting that would make the space feel intimate.  Everything looked so Japanese but mixed with Yuta’s personal touch that made it mesmerizing.

Suddenly, everyone pitched in. Weekends turned into renovation marathons, with Yuta handling the heavy lifting, a new guy, YangYang, repainting the walls, and Doyoung learning how to refinish tables. They scoured flea markets for furniture and even built some of the fixtures themselves to save money.

There were mishaps along the way. Paint spills, arguments over layouts, and a plumbing issue that nearly derailed their timeline tested their patience. But every setback became a lesson, and the shared effort brought them closer. By the end of a grueling six months, the place had transformed into something that felt unique.

Meanwhile they did the dirty work, and Yuta locked himself in to create the perfect menu. He wanted it to be an extension of himself, dishes that told stories, evoked memories, and brought comfort. He spent weeks experimenting in the kitchen, tweaking recipes until they were just right.

Doyoung became the unofficial taste tester, offering candid feedback that pushed him to refine each dish. They decided on a small, rotating menu that would highlight seasonal ingredients, ensuring freshness and variety, but mostly focused on Japanese cuisine and how it could merge with other cultures.

After what felt like forever, they opened the restaurant. And against all odds, it was a success.

For some reason, everyone knew Yuta. Doyoung knew his friend had made some important contacts in the past years, but he didn’t know he was that well known. By the end of that year, they had reservations for two months, which was mind-blowing.

The numbers were running for themselves, and they decided to make an offering to the place next door. It was an old wooden-cutting place, and the owner felt like his lifetime opportunity to take the offer and sell it to Yuta. They were going to transform it into a bar that continued with the culinary experience that the restaurant served but focused on drinks.

The art of drinks was something Yuta wasn’t that into, but still, he could outknowledge anyone that he knew, so he started taking care of both of them, until the staff that worked for him, including Doyoung, picked up the pace. Doyoung realized that he enjoyed much more working at the bar, because it was more experimental and he always finished the shifts with a feeling of achievement.

He still mostly worked on the restaurant as a waiter, only helping Doyoung in the kitchen when they were really overbooked, because over the months they didn’t have a staff problem anymore. Everyone wanted to work at The BAT. The name was something they discussed almost until last minute, when they had to order the LEDs and signs, and even if they thought it wasn’t going to sink in, it did. They had offers from a hundred chefs wanting to do internships there, to do courses…

That last thing was something Yuta had also thought so, doing courses on the restaurant. The first months it was kind of difficult with the exponential fame that they were getting, so he decided to wait for it until it was the right time.

But overall, it was going amazing for Doyoung. He started earning so much money he moved out from his flat, to something a bit far from the center of Seoul. It was most definitely way too big to him, and too quiet. He wasn’t used to living in such big spaces, and not listening to anything at all. Sometimes this became overwhelming, even if it was ironic, but he didn’t like the emptiness of his apartment as he thought he was going to. Whenever he smelled like new, he plugged in one air freshener, trying to fill his thoughts about how lonely he was. It wasn’t the ideal solution, but it was short-time effective, and that was something Doyoung could work with.

The first months there it took him almost two hours to get to work, so he decided to invest in himself, and he bought a Mercedes. Yes, he went overboard, but only so little things made him happier than driving in the highway back home when the sun was getting his way out. He loved being behind the wheel. He used to think about Minho when he first started driving, but now he didn’t think about anything, that it wasn’t the scenery he was contemplating.

He felt incredibly good when he parked his brand-new car and walked a couple of minutes to the restaurant he worked at, his best friend’s restaurant, the one they literally built together.

-

“Good night gentleman, my name is Kim Doyoung and I’m going to be your waiter tonight”

He said this everytime he was the waiter for a big table. Tonight he had a table reserved for a birthday party. They were such good looking guys he had to admit, and they were extremely nice with him. They also tipped him so much because he had to help and surprise the birthday boy, whose name was Taeyong if he remembers it correctly, as they were gifting an admission ticket to one of Yuta’s masterclass.

Doyoung couldn’t get used to his friend fame, because he coultnd understand how can someone would pay so much to eat what he cooked when he could literally just go to his house and steal some leftovers. But he still played his part and acted formal in front of them, like if Yuta and him were only co-workers and they had never shared a kiss when he was sixteen.

Doyoung came home that night feeling amazingly good. At the moment he didn’t know why, but a month later he started to figure it out.

He met the same guys, this time at the bar. They greeted each other, and he recommended a drink again to the tall boy, whose name he learnt this time. Jung Jaehyun. It wasn’t an interesting name, but everything else about said otherwise.

He was attractive, way too handsome for his own nature. He was shy but extroverted, he had so much character that sometimes seemed even slightly fake, but he later learned that it wasn’t.

That night, as he was talking more to Jaehyun, he of course wasn’t focusing too much on the limes he was cutting for a drink, and he cut himself badly.

“Are you by yourself tonight?” Jaehyun asked him

“Meaning?” Doyoung had to ask, because even if he was bleeding, he sensed some kind of flirting, and that was the last thing he expected from this guy

“Working, like if anyone is doing this shift with you”

“Oh no, today I am by myself. It's not that busy as you can see”

“Do you want me to call someone?¨

“I am just going upstairs for a second to grab the medical kit, I know it’s silly, but can you take care of the cash register?” he asked worriedly “I’m just going to grab some band-aids from the restaurant, I will be back real quick”

“Yes, don’t worry”

Doyoung didn’t wait for him to say anything else because his hand was aching. He run upstairs and yelled at Yuta the moment he entered the restaurant, at this hour only him and a couple of cooks remaining because they were closing.

“Yuta where the fuck are the bandages, I can't stop bleeding”

“In the new lockers, sorry I forgot to spare one for the bar” he yelled from inside the kitchen as Doyoung searched all over the lockers, sighing desperately when he found one “Wait! Did you leave someone in charge?”

“I left some guy looking after the register”

“The fuck you mean by some guy?”

“Jaehyun, we met before, he’s one of Taeyong’s friends. I’m just going to put the bandages quickly and go down again”

 He ran back to the restaurant only to see that his cash register was untouched, and he was serving a few clients there. He looked so at ease, and Doyoung was honestly in a bit of pain, so he asked if Jaehyun could help him, and he surprisingly said yes. He helped him through the night, and after that, they went and had breakfast, but just because Jaehyun asked and as they spent the whole night working together, Doyoung felt like getting to know him. They talked about a few things, mainly music and how Yuta and Taeyong fucked some weeks ago.

Doyoung drove him back, it was the least he could do. And when he got off, something inside Doyoung shifted and he let go of a choked breath he didn’t know he was holding. Something about Jaehyun made him feel so familiar with everything around him, so sure of himself. He didn’t know why and when, but he knew they were going to be seeing each other again, it didn’t matter if it was at the bar or because Yuta and his new friend, but Doyoung felt it.

Even if it was kind of a nice and warm feeling, it was scary too. He wasn’t used to the comfortability of new things, and he didn’t know if he liked how his guard was down, but as in some past experiences, Doyoung had this habit of expecting the worst out of every situation, this one wasn’t going to be different.

-

He was right about seeing Jaehyun again.

 That night they had an inauguration party at The BAT, and Donghyuck just called him at the last minute telling him they were going to do some surgery on his dog. It was very unexpected, and Doyoung almost wanted to ditch his shift too and check on Donghyuck, but his friend reassured him and told him it was okay, that it wasn’t that serious, but he needed to be there, obviously.

So now he had no one to ask and change shifts: he called everyone that worked there, and no one could come by tonight, and the restaurant couldn’t spare one single person. He even asked Hendery, a new Chinese guy that Daejún knew, but he was out of town for the weekend. The only solution was going to be that some waiters would come down when the restaurant closed, but still, it was going to be overworking themselves.

He didn’t know how to sort that out, but then he remembered about Jaehyun. He knew it was silly and most likely selfish, but he decided to give it a go. Surprisingly again, Jaehyun said yes. They went over the basics when they met at the bar, and during the whole event, they coordinated themselves all too well. It was kind of shocking for Doyoung how he could have so much chemistry with someone he never knew.

During the night he had to look at him a couple of times to make sure they hadn’t met each other years ago, but he didn’t remember his face. And Jaehyun had a face to be remembered, that was for sure, so he guessed that he was just as charismatic as unpredictable. Doyoung realized the charismatic trait was making him feel at ease but the unpredictable one made him unsure about everything he did. He felt watched but with care. It didn’t make sense, at least to him.

After that night, Doyoung offered him a job there, because with the aperture of the Incheon restaurant they were hiring a lot of people. It wasn’t like they didn’t have offers, in fact, Doyoung had been in charge of looking over them a hundred times for the past couple of weeks and had already selected a lot of people, but he realized he needed to fit Jaehyun in.

-

They worked well together for the first weeks, but they fought in November. Doyoung knows that at first, it was his fault, but later he couldn’t hold himself any longer.

Jaehyun messed up a couple of things last night, and Doyoung didn’t get too close with him, so he missed a lot of things that needed to be done because it was the end of the month. There were a couple of things that were broken, and Jaehyun even brought his friend Jeno to fix them up. The truth was that Doyoung trusted Jeno, for some reason, he kind of saw himself on him a couple of years ago, he couldn’t tell why, maybe it was the facial expression. He always looked like he was trying too hard, and Doyoung felt it.

Jaehyun apologized, and they went to grab a bite before the shift. When they were getting back, Doyoung smelled something that he didn’t like, he didn’t know that something as light as some smoke could hit him so hard.

Jaehyun was smoking.

He didn’t like that; he didn’t like that at all.

He didn’t feel okay after that, not during their shift, not when they closed. Doyoung insisted that Jaehyun go home, that he was going to close that night. He couldn’t face him at the moment, his brain was too foggy to try and fight his intrusive thoughts. He didn’t know how much time he spent cleaning the bar until the last centimeter of the surface was clean enough and didn’t smell like anything that wasn’t the freshly cleaning product. When he finished, he felt his hands aching. His legs were tired, his head was dizzy, and he wanted to throw up. Doyoung tried to calm himself in the locker rooms until he was feeling better, but nothing seemed to soothe him, his mind was running to all the darkest places. He grabbed his things and got out of the bar, ready to call a cab to go back home, but Jaehyun was there. He scared him, he didn’t expect him to be there, why was he there?

His presence snaped Doyoung a bit into reality, realizing how bad he was. He wasn’t good, he was tired and didn’t want to go on with his day. Jaehyun offered to take him home, and Doyoung accepted. It ached his heart the scenery, listening to songs that he didn’t remember existed, and how painfully slowly he was driving. He felt like he was four again, and he didn’t want to get out of his car. But he knew he was safe, and his mother couldn’t die again, so it wouldn’t matter if he got out of his car at the moment or in the next ten years.

At his place, they talked about little things, and Doyoung could explain a bit his aversion to the smoking thing. He told him that he run away from his house, and Jaehyun seemed to understand. Thank god he didn’t ask him any further. He spent the night in his house, and Doyoung felt comforted. It wasn’t too quiet now as Jaehyun snorted lightly and his bed cracked slightly because he didn’t use it that much. It was weirdly comfortable being around him.

-

Doyoung felt like dying after the incident at the Christmas market. He had revived this scene that he wanted to avoid as much as possible. He couldn’t understand what was happening, why was he locked at Jaehyun’s bathroom? And when he opened the house, he reeked of the putrid smell of smoking, and he was choking. He was pushing Jaehyun away, he didn’t want to be with him. He felt small, so small he couldn’t push any longer as he held him again, this time without smelling so much of cigarettes.

He had a huge step back that night. Even if later he tried to sleep in his bed, he was restless. He felt anxious. He felt like distancing himself for everything, and because of his sprained ankle, he didn’t get to work for a couple of weeks. He didn’t know if he missed Jaehyun so much until he saw him.

Maybe he was being dramatic, but he again felt safe when he saw how he was sitting at the door.

But Jaehyun had this duality that Doyoung couldn’t figure out. It was like a constant game of tug of war.

He didn’t understand him completely and it was driving him mad. Until he figured it out.

It wasn’t a sudden realization for Doyoung. It crept up on him in the quiet moments between the noise, like the way Jaehyun's laugh lingered in his mind long after the joke had ended, or the warmth in his chest when Jaehyun absentmindedly draped an arm over his shoulder. 

At first, he dismissed it as admiration. Jaehyun was easy to admire, after all. Effortlessly charming, endlessly talented, and yet so grounded it made Doyoung wonder how someone like that could exist. But admiration didn’t explain the way his pulse quickened when Jaehyun’s gaze caught his in the middle of a crowded room or the way his thoughts drifted to him even when they were apart, which wasn’t that long, but still, his mind made him miss him.

The realization came late one night, as he sat in silence on his own couch, Jaehyun next to him. The glow of the TV flickered over his relaxed expression, and Doyoung found himself watching him instead of the screen. His mind raced with a question he couldn’t quite suppress, because why did it feel like home when they were together?

And then it hit him softly, like the clink of two glasses of wine over a dinner table. This wasn’t admiration. It wasn’t just friendship. He liked Jaehyun. Doyoung's breath caught in his throat as he stared at Jaehyun, who was oblivious to the storm brewing inside him. The realization was both thrilling and terrifying, and Doyoung couldn’t decide whether he wanted to say it aloud or keep it locked away forever. 

The latest was the easiest, as he had always done it, but he couldn’t do it when his heart was gripping on the slightest hints that Jaehyun left him. He would get so choked up on his gaze that it was obvious. He wanted to say it to him as much as he wanted to run away.

It wasn’t healthy, he knew, he couldn’t do it again and again.

-

And then it came Jaehyun’s birthday, and their talk.

“These past months, weeks, days, whatever, I felt those words Jeno spoke to me about” Jaehyun was talking to him with so much honesty in his words  “I felt them really, really hard that I couldn’t hold them anymore. Every day I got to spend with you was one step forward but three steps back; I was just so happy about just being with you, but every day it was harder Doyoung, because I couldn’t hold anymore these words, these feelings. I was choking in them, almost like I am doing right now¨ Jaehyun tries to stop talking, but he wants to get this over with ¨I know this is a lot and I am really sorry for bringing everything up, but that’s why I didn’t want you to come, or even see you more than I should. I'm sorry, it was stupid of me, but I don’t know better, I promise”

They hug each other for a quick second, Doyoung feels Jaehyun is a bit breathless after everything he just said to him. It was just natural that they would have this conversation because they were growing dangerously close day by day, and it was an obvious thing that they cared too much about each other.

“Thank you for telling me this and bringing this up first” Doyoung said as fast as they separated “It really means a lot to me that you want to talk about this. I think it’s my turn to be honest with you, right?”

They talked, but only briefly. They agreed to wait.

Well, Jaehyun agreed because it was Doyoung who suggested it, and even if the younger was against it at first as he was eager to just get to Doyoung, they had to heal. Both of them, because he had been learning that Jaehyun was also a complicated person.

That duality that Jaehyun portrayed could be seen in every aspect of his life: he seemed way too comfortable with himself, but the moment that Doyoung said something nice to him, he became all flustered. He sometimes dressed as if he was the main character of a very cunty movie, and other times Doyoung had to look at him twice because he couldn’t recognize him under the ugliest cap he had ever seen.

And as they decided to wait, a lot of things happened. They spent their summer together, Doyoung helped him get a new place which he got to see through a video call because they were having a small fight at the moment. They also had their first kiss. Doyoung couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It was the most magical thing he had ever experienced. It was like his third first kiss, even if it sounded stupid. It had awkwardness, the tension, the buildup, the proactivity, the sweating, the touching, the desire. It was everything that a first kiss should have. He woke up thinking of that kiss and went to bed thinking about how they met each other in the hall. It was everything he yearned for, until he got it again.

They went to a restaurant Doyoung loved, and after an amazing time walking around the small village and staring at the lake, Jaehyun asked him out. Doyoung hates himself for that but he can't remember how it went, even if Jaehyun reminds him every day, he can't remember because he was so nervous. He didn’t think that he was going to ask him out. Because of that, Jaehyun prepared a gift for him and Doyoung’s present was just sitting in one box at his house, waiting for the moment not thinking it was going to be that day.

He gave the present to him almost a month later, when he felt confident enough about it. He gave him a record player and a small piece of furniture to store the vinyl records. Jaehyun loved it so much he started buying all of his favorites albums to show them to Doyoung. Jaehyun was introducing him to his life at an alarming speed, but Doyoung wasn’t scared.

-

After New Year's Eve, around February, Jaehyun suggested the idea of meeting his parents. He told him that even if they hadn’t been dating for long, they were going to be in Seoul next week for his birthday and that he would love it if he came along to his lunch. Doyoung had to decline, he didn’t want to meet his parents just yet. He knew he was going to work really hard to be able to feel comfortable enough to talk to Jaehyun about everything, but he wasn’t just yet, he respected it.

Doyoung felt bad, of course he did, but he started doing something when he was troubled because of his own actions. Well, it wasn’t him who started initially.

One night Doyoung was feeling really tired and he had to cancel their plans with Jaehyun and his friends, and he asked Jaehyun if it was okay, if he was going to get mad. It was something he hadn’t even thought about saying until he did. It was kind of late already, as winter was kicking in strong in Jaehyun’s apartment. Jaehyun stood up from the couch and went to the hall, where he was standing. He cupped his face and kissed his forehead, telling him that he of course was okay with that and that he couldn’t get mad over something like that. Doyoung wanted to refuse, but Jaehyun asked what would happen if he was the one tired, if he would get mad at him.

Doyoung just called him silly and went to rest in his room, but he hadn’t stopped thinking about it.

He knew he was being hard with himself since he started to be conscious of himself. He thought about being mad at Jaehyun because he was tired and he honestly laughed at himself, because if he saw it like that, he thought it was a pretty stupid thing to do. But he had those doubts that wanted to address to Jaehyun, and he was glad that the younger didn’t discourage him of asking these.

You need to take care of yourself.

He knew, and he was learning. But at least, at this point in his life, he had people who cared for him as he cared for himself, or even more. And it was more than he could ever imagine having. It was overwhelmingly good, achingly satisfying. It felt strangely good to be taking care of himself.

Chapter Text

The thing that Jaehyun loved the most about being with Doyoung was the man himself. Jaehyun couldn’t get enough of him. It’s not like he tried either to wear him out, but he couldn’t get tired of him, his ears didn’t get tired of listening to him, his throat didn’t get tired of laughing with him, and most definitely, his eyes didn’t get tired of seeing him. He couldn’t stop staring at him.

Jaehyun loved seeing Doyoung every single day, he loved watching how he woke up, hair all messy and eyes just slightly swollen, so Jaehyun had to kiss them countless times until Doyoung whined. He loved seeing how at ease he felt in his house, going right and left in every room, looking for his clothes and glasses, it didn’t matter; Jaehyun loved seeing Doyoung in his apartment.

He loved seeing him at the bar, and even if Yuta had talked about how hard working with Doyoung would be, he didn’t want to listen, because he knew it wouldn’t be the truth with him. He loved seeing him in his uniform, with his black hair and silver jewelry. He sometimes wore glasses and sometimes he didn’t, but he looked breathtaking in both ways. He loved every time they looked at each other from opposite corners of the place and they smiled at each other fondly. How could Jaehyun get tired of his smile? Shy and full of energy at the same time, it was fascinating.

He loved seeing him at his house, looking like an old man complaining about the simplest things. He loved seeing him in his own space, grocery shopping or folding clothes, such mundane tasks brought out some features on Doyoung’s face that Jaehyun didn’t see often, but he grinned every time he saw them. He didn’t know if it was because Doyoung was already thirty years old (something that Jaehyun always teased him about), but he looked like the most beautiful man he had ever seen. He thought he was the luckiest man in the world because he got to see how Doyoung frowned every time they changed the label of the packaging of his favorite chocolate bars.

He loved seeing him with his friends. Jaehyun had never been fond of being the dad of the group, it didn’t matter to him if he was one of the oldest, and luckily for him, Taeyong loved to take care of everything. But he never liked being the one responsible for making reservations, bringing everything necessary to a trip, paying things in advance… Jaehyun had never felt like doing these things. Jeno was in the same boat and Mark was too. With Jungwoo it depended on the day, and luckily for them,  Jaemin was all about helping Taeyong take care of everyone. They all had their little roles inside the group, but they changed when Doyoung came into his life. Doyoung was such a caring person, and it brought the best out of everyone. He loved helping and taking care of others, he was the best at being there for everyone. And Jaehyun only wanted to reciprocate him. His friends too, and he knew that at one point they started to hang out with him without telling Jaehyun.

Taeyong loved going shopping with Doyoung because he didn’t complain about spending too much money on useless things. Jeno loved going to cafes with him, getting themselves up to date with themselves and their lives. Jungwoo loved watching movies with him, uploading their letterbox almost every single week. Mark loved going on road trips with him, even if it was only going one morning to a close town and coming back that same afternoon. Jaemin loved cooking with him, as he considered him his biggest inspiration in the culinary field.

“I can’t believe you are relying more on Doyoung than on me”

Yuta said to him one afternoon, in the middle of May, when they were getting together to have lunch at Yuta’s place.

“What can I do?” Jaemin would nag “Everything you use is too expensive, Doyoung is humbler”

“Listen Yuta?” Taeyong said, standing with his back against the freezer “You are just a showoff”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who paid thirty thousand wons just to hear me yap about seaweed and its enhanced flavor for half an hour”

“I just wanted to see if you were as good-looking as you looked on TV”

“Clearly he was wrong” Jungwoo teased

But the thing that Jaehyun loved the most about him was the man himself.

Doyoung was caring, interesting, smart, sweet, assertive, strong, humble, dedicated… He couldn’t get enough of him.

It had been quite some months since they started to date each other, and it was the greatest thing Jaehyun could have done. To grow a pair and confess his feelings, even if both of them were oblivious about it, they did it in the end, so cheers to them.

-

And with that, all the loving Doyoung and starting to share his life with him, he realized he was a bit empty.

Maybe not empty, but he was unsatisfied.

He realized he spent most of his days at home, sometimes with Doyoung, occasionally alone, but he didn’t get to see his friends that often because they were all too busy. They were getting into their thirties, and it was too scary to start thinking about it. He didn’t know that not seeing Jungwoo almost every day would affect him that badly. He was also a horrible texter, but just because he dreaded online communication, even if sometimes it was the only way because Jeno and Jaemin were flying again all the way to Italy, Jaehyun refused to send them a message, he wanted to see them.

He spent his mornings catching up on some sleep, and at afternoons he tried to be a normal human being again, only to spend the whole evening and night working. Don’t get him wrong, he loved his job, and the fact that Doyoung was there for him, obviously made it better, but still, he was still a waiter. He hated thinking like that because he knew how fucking tired he was and how demanding the job was, but he didn’t want to be a waiter like the people working with him, he didn’t have the passion that Donghyuck had, and Jaehyun didn’t want to upgrade to the kitchen area, because he knew it was hell. He didn’t even know a fraction of what Doyoung knew, even if he had been working there for almost one year and a half, it was still overwhelming. He didn’t want to work side by side with Yuta, he was still terrified of him, so he didn’t have a choice but to still be a waiter at the bar.

But he didn’t want to be a waiter forever, not when he didn’t stop writing music for one second, even at his lowest. In fact, he relied on the music the most, helping him organize his thoughts. He started buying more equipment when he moved into his flat, the room now was getting a bit crowded with all the music-related furniture, instruments, and set-up. His friends told him to tidy up every time someone slept over there, but he didn’t listen to them, he liked his own music nook. But he wasn’t dedicating it the time he wanted, but because that time was inexistent. He was too tired in the mornings, too hungry in the afternoons, and working the rest of the days. On the days he got off he locked himself there, but as expected, inspiration didn’t come all together on a Monday, so yeah, he wasn’t making it.

Lastly, his parents moved back to Connecticut because the company his mother was working for required her once again, so they decided to move there permanently. And once again, he didn’t like talking on the phone, so it was very much against his own will to call them, but he made an exception for them because it was the only way. He was already looking for the January vacation to visit them.

“What are you thinking of?” Doyoung snapped him out of his thoughts

“Nothing, I’m just tired”

“You are always tired Jaehyun, you need to sleep more”

“I think it’s the weather, I hate that it's only the first week of June, and I’m already sweating every time I take a nap”

“First world problems I see, very hard to defeat” Doyoung teased, but as Jaehyun was already a little bit down, he actually frowned, feeling discouraged “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean it like that. Do you want to have a cold shower and take a nap while I cook you something?”

“I would love that honestly,” Jaehyun said, getting up from the couch “Will you join me?”

“I need to start cooking; I have a couple of things that I need to def-”

“The later you start cooking the longer I can sleep, so please join me”

Jaehyun knew Doyoung also had a weak spot for him, whenever he asked things like that, almost like a whine, so obviously he said yes. As they were going to the bathroom, Jaehyun made a subtle spin and threw himself on his bed, face down.

“Jesus Jaehyun, you are really lazy today”

Jaehyun wasn’t only lazy. Maybe the thought of showering with Doyoung was making him more woken up than he would like to admit. He stayed facing down the mattress, not saying anything. He knew he could get Doyoung to join him in the bed. But after a few seconds, he only heard the water running, and as he turned in the bed, he saw in the mirror Doyoung inside the bathroom, getting ready. If he didn’t want to stand up from the bed before, seeing Doyoung taking off his shirt was a great initiative to get him to do it, because he was jumping right off it and almost sprinting to the bathroom.

“Hello” he said teasingly entering the bathroom

“Look who's awake now” Doyoung teased him back, hugging him shorty after pulling him back “Oh, look what is awake now”

He was referring to his dick, obviously, because there is no way he didn’t get to notice the bulge in his pajama pants, mainly because he wasn’t wearing any underwear. Who wore underwear when they were alone in their house? He wasn’t a maniac.

“Maybe you really need a cold shower”

“I don’t think so” he said, taking off his t-shirt

“And what do you need then?”

Doyoung knew he was teasing, Jaehyun always told him how sexy he found the whole teasing thing, verbally and physically, and Doyoung was terrific at it. As he finished saying those words, he crossed the bathroom to kiss Jaehyun against the wall, this time completely pressing himself against Jaehyun’s bulge. The friction was enough for  Jaehyun to let out a gasp, instinctively grabbing Doyoung’s waist even closer to him.

“I love when you get all needy” Doyoung whispered against his ear “You really can't keep your hands to yourself can you?”

“How can I when you are humping me like a fucking dog? I’m not the only one who could use a cold shower right now”

Jaehyun attempts to grab Doyoung’s dick over his pants, but Doyoung quickly kneels in front of him.

“Nuh uh,” he says in a sweet voice, almost humming “Let me”

And Jaehyun knows that he is going to get one of the best blowjobs of his life. It doesn’t make sense how well they know each other in so little time, but they could make each other finish in minutes, which was embarrassing for both of them.

Jaehyun knew Doyoung liked soft touches, he liked his nipples played from the very first second they started making out until he came, whimpering for more. He knew he liked faster than tighter, and Jaehyun loved jerking him off if he could get the sweet moans he let out when he was getting close. He had been wanting to try edging him, wanting to know if he could keep up with his moans, but he knew Doyoung got really sensitive when he was about to cum, so he didn’t want to push him further.

And as much as Jaehyun knew Doyoung’s body, the older knew his as well. He knew he loved the tease, sometimes getting way too hard to finish only from humping the older, the friction against the clothing made him insane. On the other hand, he loved hard strokes, rather than faster, and sometimes Doyoung was so slow when he was getting him off that it was painfully close to a denied orgasm, but he always took care of him until he was properly finished.

And this time wasn’t any different, because Doyoung was giving his all to Jaehyun.

He didn’t get his pajamas out, but they were so loose that he could feel every single finger in his skin. Doyoung was tracing lines from his ankle to his pelvis, looking at Jaehyun with such an endearing face that no one could ever guess that he was going to suck him off. No one but Jaehyun, they knew each other too well.

But Jaehyun was only partly right, because when Doyoung seemed to have finished movingly harmonically his fingers against his long legs, he wrapped his hand against Jaehyun’s, but he still got his clothes on. It was one thing that he liked some friction when they were getting worked up, but Jaehyun was already too worked up to be still having his clothes on. Still, he wasn’t going to complain, because oh god was he feeling it. The soft worn-out cotton textile was wrapping his cock so well, Doyoung making sure of it. He spat on top of it, but it didn’t get that much to his cock, only the pants getting wetter in a mixture of Jaehyun’s precum and Doyoung’s spit. Maybe Jaehyun was wicked, but he wanted to lick it. He made a mental note to play the same trick on Doyoung and he will make sure to lick it.

But this time all he could do was moan because the pressure that Doyoung was applying to his cock was breathtaking. He had to find some kind of support on the sink, wishing he could press his nails against the white stone surface, but he could only grip it harder enough not to break it. He wasn’t sure if he was going to make it as Doyoung started to lazily put his mouth on top of his clothed dick. Jaehyun wanted to take the pants out already and fuck his throat, but at the same time, why did it feel so good to have something against his cock, so tight and wet? It was getting his mind too foggy to think, and his mind slipped too much, not controlling his breaths. He knew he was going to finish soon, Doyoung knew it too because he was applying even more pressure, this time at the base, clenching his fist.

“Doyoung you know I’m close fuck”

“I know baby, show it to me and come for me, okay?”

“Fuck but I want you to keep going and-”

“we can go again later babe, now please come for me”

Jaehyun didn’t argue more, because Doyoung asked him twice to come for him, so he did. He watched closely because the older separated his mouth from his cock, now only his hand wrapping the lower part of the shaft, and he saw how he was finishing. White small spheres came out of the now almost black surface, because even if it was originally gray, now it was way too wet to maintain the color. He felt like he was emptying himself, but only a few were coming through the pants, like a strainer, and he could feel the rest of it dripping down his cock, inside the pants. It was way too filthy for Doyoung, but he loved it, every second of it.

He was breathless, almost static, and thankfully Doyoung removed his pants before the cum could dry and it became a nightmare to take them out. He didn’t even try to get Doyoung off because he knew he wasn’t going to have the strength for it, and the older was going to tease him, so he just let it slide for now. As Doyoung said, they would go again later anyway.

They finished showering and as they promised, Jaehyun went directly to have a nap after the shower, not even bothering to put some clothes on, while Doyoung cooked some bibimbap. After a late lunch, they went for a walk to buy some stuff that Mark asked him to buy, because they just opened a new American supermarket next to Jaehyun’s apartment, and they also had some Canadian snacks that Mark loved (Jos Louis and Smarties, of course). After that, they went to work.

That morning Doyoung told him that he needed to catch up on some stuff for Yuta, so he headed up to his apartment and Jaehyun went back to his.

He did what he always did, sleep. When he woke up, he thought instantly of the leftover bibimbap from the day before, so he ran to the kitchen like a starved zombie. He went back to his phone to scroll on DAY’s Weverse as he was having lunch, but he realized he had six missed calls from Doyoung. His heart began to race, leaving the food untouched as he ran back to his room, calling him back while he was gathering his clothes, trying to put them on as fast as he could.

“Jaehyun!” Doyoung cheered

“Doyoung are you okay baby? Do you need anything? Did anything happen?”

“Oh, I am okay, sorry for the missed calls, I really needed your confirmation on something, but I kind of went with my gut. Listen-”

“Doyoung you scared me to death, I thought something happened to you”

“Don’t worry baby, I don’t think that if I am ever in so much danger I will have the time to call you six times” his teasing had Jaehyun chuckling, because it was the truth “So Yuta wants to do again the whole summer thing, and if everything goes well, we are thinking on opening another restaurant in Busan, I wanted to check on you if you wanted to-”

“I don’t want to”

“What?” Doyoung asked over the phone, but Jaehyun could picture his confused face to a millimeter “You don’t want to? Why?”

“Doyoung the whole thing almost killed me last summer, I had so much fun, but I wasn’t doing literally anything besides that, I don’t have much spare time now” Jaehyun explained

“Uhm… okay, I will take you off the schedule”

“ I’m sorry, I don’t want to disappoint you, it's just that-”

“don’t worry baby, I get it, I just thought you liked it more, but I understand it’s really hard”

“Don’t get me wrong” he continued explaining as he sat in the unmade bed “I loved it, but I don’t know, lately I've been feeling like I want to do something more, besides that, and if I work on that I think it's going to take all my time away. I’m sorry, I know is selfish but-”

“Jaehyun, I understand. I understand that it’s a lot and that you want to do other things too, I promise you I understand” he reassured him “You understand that I want to do it?”

“Of course Dongi, I think it’s a very great experience”

“Don’t call me Dongi”

“Sorry Dongie”

“Jaehyun-”

“Doyoung, I understand. I am so proud of you; I know you are going to do amazing”

“Thanks, Jaehyun, I am so proud of you too”

They say goodbye with a kiss, and when they hang up Jaehyun can't help but wonder about how is that Doyoung is proud of him. What did he do to be proud of? He didn’t know.

Anything I do, everywhere I go

If it ain't with you

Ev еrything is so, so

If it ain't with you

-

The summer goes pretty much like the last one, at least for Doyoung, and Jaehyun can only admire him. He can only admire how he can be better and better every day, a better friend, a better person, a better worker. Every day he meets a better Doyoung, and he wishes he could provide the same to others.

Jeno and Renjun are spending the summer in France, and because Jaemin left his job, he joined them on the trip. Apparently, he was now invested in photography, and Jeno had already found him a spot in his modeling agency.

Jungwoo had found a fuckbuddy that no one knew about (except Mark, for some reason, and Jungwoo threatened him with airing some dark secrets about him, so he obviously shut his mouth).

Yuta and Doyoung were so immersed in the project, and as Jaehyun wasn’t participating in that one, he was relocated to another bar of Yuta’s friend as some of his workers went to work with him. It was all very confusing, but at least Jaehyun wasn’t unemployed again. In this bar, he had an afternoon schedule, so he could work like a normal human being and socialize with his fellow human friends.

Mark was still with his podcast, now moving into e-sports too. Apparently, a couple of players from T1 were really fans of Mark’s podcast, Golden Hour, and they really wanted to do some shared content.

Sophia was also getting promotions non-stop, and she was casted to participate in an influencers reality show. That was so Sophia’s thing that Jaehyun knew they were going to pick her.

So, Taeyong was his only savior.

“Can’t believe you are hanging with me every single day just because our boyfriends are fuckheads busy”

“Are you complaining? Because I could leave” Jaehyun teased, getting up from Taeyong’s couch

“Please stay, I made so much kimchi stew I think I will get sick if I keep eating it”

He laughed, but also ate the stew, because knowing Taeyong, he didn’t like to throw food away and Jaehyun was sure he was going to get food poisoning.

So that’s how he spent his summer, eating whatever Taeyong cooked at his flat, sometimes Taeyong came over his place, bringing Ten along, and they all played Cluedo and Monopoly until one of them would fall asleep on the couch.

At least, that’s how he spent his summer’s afternoons. Because in the mornings, he was starting to create something.

He was dreaming, imagining things, but he couldn’t stop fighting for it. As everything was aligning with him, he decided to give music a serious go. It was discouraging that aligning meant that he was most likely alone and he didn’t see his boyfriend that much, same with his friends. But Taeyong was doing his own thing too, and sometimes they would hang out only to work on their own thing in their respective computers. It was like when kids do parallel playing, but parallel working on personal projects. Taeyong was working on his PhD and Jaehyun was trying to make an album. Yes, an album.

He didn’t know what to do with all his now free time and the number of years he had been writing and composing. He was feeling really out of the picture lately, as everyone was doing their own thing. It was the same thing over and over: when Jaehyun thought he had his life under control and he was feeling proud of what he was doing, life turned into making him feel useless and ashamed of what he was. It was stupid, very self-sabotaging, but he didn’t choose it. He thought he was going to be bound to feel like this from time to time, and he didn’t like it, but he grew to get used to it and did not let the thought grow too much.

He was rumbling between his old lyrics and samples of songs, and it was a bit embarrassing. He wrote an insane amount of emotional shit when Seulgi broke up with him, and it was honestly a bit heartbreaking to be re-living it through stupid phone notes, but he had years and years on those notes, and in the end, it was who he was.

-

“I am going to get to the studio room for a bit,” Jaehyun said to Taeyong, standing up from the living room table “Do you need anything from the kitchen? I am going to make some coffee”

“Another one for me then,” Taeyong said smiling “Tell me if you need inspiration, you know I can be very helpful when I want to”

“I know, but I think I got this”

He went to make some coffee for both of them, his mug being way fuller than his friend’s, but he knew Taeyong was already too busy and stressed because of his project,  and he didn’t want him to have a heart attack on the middle of his living-room.

So he went to his studio, closing the door on his way in, and got into his project. He didn’t have much done, but he knew he wanted to make an album, even if it was only for himself, he wanted to push himself into the stress of having to make something, trying to set some deadlines. He did leave the name and the cover of it for the last thing, as he probably would ask Jaemin to help him with the whole aesthetic of it.

But he did work on the music, he knew how to do that.

Composing a song for Jaehyun was a very dynamic process, he only felt in those moments how he could blend his non-existent creativity with his most rational part. He usually found inspiration in his daily life, his personal experiences, emotions, and stories, trying to describe a clear theme. He found this message through the lyrics, often starting with freewriting to capture raw ideas, and then shaping them into a coherent structure with verses, choruses, and bridges. This was his favorite part, he enjoyed writing, it didn’t matter what he was writing, but he found it the best way to express his feelings.

Then he tried to work on the melody, trying to focus on something that reflected the song’s mood. This part was the most difficult for Jaehyun because it wasn’t just typing something down on his phone, he had to actually sit down and focus for real. He got so much satisfaction whenever he got to make a really memorable hook with some chord progressions, but he knew that the arrangement was what brought everything together, balancing the intro, outro, and instrumental layers to build the dynamics that he wanted.

The problem was finishing a demo, because he needed some critical listening and feedback, and he was way too ashamed to ask his friends. He sang in front of them, and he didn’t mind playing covers whenever they were all feeling artistic, but he never sang anything that he made in front of them, not even in front of Doyoung. Firstly, he thought that his boyfriend sang better than him, and he felt like a fraud making music because he thought that Doyoung deserved all the songs in the world. And secondly, because he was terrified of his opinion. In a good way, but terrified. He didn’t know if the older was going to be sweet and would lie to Jaehyun only to see him happy, or, on the other hand, he would be brutally sincere and would laugh at Jaehyun forever.

He knew it was going to be a mix of both of them, but still, he couldn’t bring himself to sing something that he made in front of him. But he knew that if he wanted to make something serious, something that he could show the world, he would have to share it with someone. He would do it, but not today. Maybe not even this week, but he would do it.

He spent the whole morning working on it until it was time to have lunch. Taeyong and he went to have some grilled meat and cold noodles next to Jaehyun’s temporary workplace. After he got out of his shift, he thought about picking Doyoung up, but he knew that he still had a few more long hours at The BAT, so he went straight home.

The feeling of being alone in his bed, freshly showered and partially hungry (because he was too tired to make himself dinner) was something that he had been feeling for the past weeks. He knew he was being a bit pessimistic, but everything that surrounded him was such bittersweet. He was working on himself, on his projects, but just because he declined a very good job opportunity. The only person he saw weekly was Taeyong, sometimes Jungwoo, and even fewer times, Doyoung.

He missed him so much it hurt him.

It was pathetic, he thought, missing his boyfriend when he was only a half an hour drive away. But they had completely opposite schedules, it was close to impossible to see each other outside of work. Jaehyun didn’t think that maybe they needed to see each other at work.

He jumped out of bed, quickly put some clothes on, and ordered a cab to the restaurant. It was almost two in the morning, but he knew Doyoung was going to be there. He got out of the car, almost shakingly. Why was he nervous about seeing his boyfriend? Okay, maybe he thought that he was going to regret turning down the opportunity the moment he stepped down, but he knew he needed this summer to rest. So he tried to wrap up his head against the self-sabotaging thoughts and just think about his boyfriend. This was very worth it because Doyoung gave him the biggest smile when he saw him walking down the stairs.

He was too professional to step out of the counter and kiss him dumbly, but Jaehyun wasn’t, so he snuck behind the bar counter and gave him a deep kiss, making the people sitting in the nearby stools and a couple of waiters staring at them. He didn’t mind, he only wanted to be with him.

He spent the night there until he finished his shift, and helped everyone clean the place (only because he wanted to go quickly). He also offered to drive, but just because he was in the mood to choose some music.

“What are you going to surprise me with?” Doyoung asked when they got to the highway

“This one is not new but I haven’t played it for you”

After he said that, he played Better Better by DAY6. A classic, if you asked him. Doyoung seemed pleased with the song choice, so he emptied his lungs singing to the hook.

“BETTER BETTER, BETTER BABY” he sang while looking at Doyoung “HIGHER HIGHER, HIGHER BABY”

And maybe the song was kind of a premonition, because from that moment on, everything went better, and higher. At least until the summer ended. At the end of August and the beginning of September, Jeno and Jaemin came back, but Renjun stayed there for a couple more weeks.

In the middle of September, Mark had to go to Los Angeles with his podcast coworkers, Jhonny and Jisung, because they would be narrating some hockey competition. And they had schedule to go to Germany on October, because they were also going to be participating in the whole League of Legends World Championship. It was very unexpected, but apparently Jisung was extremely excited to be working on that.

Around that time, Jungwoo started to socialize more, not like Taeyong, as his first deadline was getting close. Everything was happening too fast around Jaehyun, but he tried to hold onto his friends.

By the end of September, The BAT finished their culinary experience, and this time Jaehyun and his friends listened to Yuta’s speech from the crowd.

“Good night, everyone. First and foremost, I want to thank you all for being here tonight and for supporting this dream that became a reality, even if it's not the first time we have done it, and it's not your first time being here, I still feel like it’s a dream, a very good one if I might say. This restaurant wasn't just a project, as some of you know, it was a labor of love, passion, and a bit of stubborn determination,” he laughed softly, something that he used to do when he was getting emotional  “I couldn't have done it alone. As you also know, I am always going to thank Doyoung. He has been my rock and the creative soul behind so much of what we've built here. From long nights planning to early mornings tasting and testing, every step has been an experience I’ll always treasure. I also want to thank our incredible team, each of you brought your talent and dedication to the table, quite literally”

Jaehyun wanted to cry about this last part, partly because he felt so left out, but mostly because he felt so damn proud of Doyoung.

“Sometimes, projects mark chapters in our lives, and as one chapter closes, we look forward to the next. I've been reflecting a lot on what’s next for me. It’s not an easy decision, but... every great journey needs a moment to step back and let others shine. But for now, let’s not focus on goodbyes. Let’s celebrate what we've created here, together” Yuta raised his glass, shining more than ever “To everyone who believed in this vision, this night is for you. Cheers!”

Okay, now Jaehyun was crying. But only because he looked at Doyoung and he was crying too. This was an emotional moment, and as Yuta said, it didn’t get easier, it didn’t matter if they did it before, every single time it felt like something they should celebrate. So as everyone cheered, Jaehyun went next to Doyoung and kissed him proudly, hugging him with so much love in his embrace.

The vibe changed fastly, because everyone was now getting back to their places, and the music was becoming again more fun and upbeat. Doyoung needed to finish his shift, but Jaehyun came back to his friends to keep on celebrating. At some point, they played Jungwoo’s favorite song of the week, so he obviously lost it in the dance floor.

“OOH, SHIT, OH, MY GOD, DJ, PLAY MY FAVORITE SONG! RAISE THE ROOF, LET THE DOGS OUT, PLAY SOMETHING BY BEYONCE”

Jeno and Taeyong wanted to drag him out of the place, but Jaemin quickly joined him on his sudden karaoke

“I LIKE TO DANCE WHEN I PARTY, I LIKE TO KISS EVERYBODY”

“Jesus fucking Christ” Jeno muttered “Luckly your boyfriend is your boss, if not we would definitely get kicked out of this place”

“ONE EIGHT HUNDRED HOT AND FUN, THAT'S MY NUMBER, HIT MY LINE” Jungwoo screamed

“ONE EIGHT HUNDRED HOT AND FUN, HEAR MY RINGTONE EVERY TIME” and Jaemin continued

Luckily for them the song ended, not before hitting another hook, and they decided to get heading home before someone from security that, for some reason, didn’t know who they were, kicked them out for real. Jaehyun waited for Doyoung until he was finished, driving him back to his house. He ran a bath for him while he called his friends, and when they were both in bed, he told him about how proud he was of him. They caught up on their summers, Jaehyun telling him about his album idea and his mornings with Taeyong. Doyoung told him every single piece of tea that Yuta spilled over the new co-workers, and Jaehyun was living for it.

Eventually they fell asleep, both of them sleeping like they hadn’t have a minute of rest for the past weeks. Mentally they didn’t, so it counted as that.

-

It felt a bit weird to have such a long vacation again in October, only because Jaehyun didn’t feel like he deserved it. He wasn’t tired, still, he dreaded some more free time. He had been spending every alone moment that he could working on his album, and he was starting to get confident about it, so much confident that he decided to show it to Jaemin.

He once bonded with him over shitty clients, and it all started behind a cafeteria counter. They had become friends because they deeply cared for each other, and Jaehyun knew he could trust Jaemin with his life, and the younger wasn’t going to give him empty lies just not to make him feel bad. Jaemin was honest, the good kind of sincere.

“I think this is the first time I've been here without Jeno”

Jaemin admits when he is taking his shoes off at Jaehyun’s entrance hall. And it was the truth, but mainly because they used to hang out with everyone. Except for a couple of times, like this summer with Taeyong and when he went to the gym with Jeno, they didn’t have much alone time. Maybe he wanted to work on that because he felt calmer and more confident in one-on-one situations.

“I know, but you know you are always welcome here”

“I know Jae, don’t worry, I was just saying” Jaemin answered “And I am actually so excited to be the first one that you show your little project to”

“You should be, not even Doyoung has heard anything of it”

“For real?” he seems shocked

“For real, I’m way too fucking embarrassed”

“You are too humble… show me what you got, and I will tell you if it is something you have to be embarrassed about”

Jaehyun is shaking. He feels stupid, shaking because he is going to play a couple of songs to one of his closest friends, but he can’t help it. He gives him some headphones, because he knows it will be worse if they listen to it together, Jaehyun doesn’t want to hear himself at the moment.

So Jaemin sits on Jaehyun’s desk and listens through all the songs, stopping them when he feels like, writing some things down and starting all of them over and over again. At some point, Jaehyun thinks he is never going to finish, so he goes to the kitchen and makes two coffees. When he hands one of them to Jaemin, the younger one just smiles and keeps on his listening duty like he is going to get paid for it. Jaehyun is thankful for that because he asked his friend to be as honest as possible, but Jaemin seems like writing an essay.

After almost two hours, Jaemin steps out of the room into the living room. Jaehyun moved there to continue with his show, almost falling asleep watching Jaemin writing down a bunch of scribbles.

“Fucking finally” Jaehyun sighs

“You wanted honesty bro”

“Yeah, no, I know, but I didn’t know you were going to be so into it”

“I take my job seriously”

“You are not getting paid, you dumbass”

“Don’t ruin the moment” he says as he hands one small notebook to Jaehyun “I actually have to get going, but overall, it’s a fucking masterpiece Jaehyun. I really want to help you with the cover and the graphic design of it, and please send it to me, I want to listen to it. I promise I won’t show it to Jeno”

“Promise?” Jaehyun asks, a little shy after the masterpiece statement

“I promise,” Jaemin says with his hand on his chest “See you soon, okay?”

Jaehyun walks him out and rushes back to the sofa, opening the notebook. Jaemin had wrote down all the lyrics, and reviewed them, with some commentaries. He drew some concepts out of every song, even selected alternative titles. He teased Jaehyun for using so much English and suggested making an English version of the first song, called Smoke.

All of the comments were praises, but the last one had Jaehyun confused. The album needed closure. The whole storytelling was actually Jaehyun’s own journey, finding his happiness, finding himself. But Jaehyun couldn’t write some lyrics about finding closure because he hadn’t found it yet. He chuckled at himself and started working on Jaemin’s suggestions as quickly as possible.

Over the next days he tried improving on everything Jaemin told him, and he eventually showed it to Jungwoo. His friend was way too biased as he was overreacting to every single track that Jaehyun played for him. That made him feel proud, even if it was slightly fake, but because Jungwoo was so cute and he seemed to be impressed by Jaehyun’s work. That afternoon he tried showing it to Jeno, and he was also way too biased.

He was fairer than Jungwoo but not as much as Jaemin. He pointed out some suggestions on the note that Jaemin added, the whole closure thing.

“I have an idea” Jeno suddenly says “Come with me to Italy, for a week. You, me, Jaemin and Doyoung. You guys are on vacation anyways, and we need to be there by November, so why don’t we go the last week of October? I think you could really use some time out of this four walls”

“Look at you, European boy” Jaehyun scoffed “Suggesting me to go Italy to find inspiration? Spoiled much?”

“Not for inspiration you stupid, all the way around” Jeno teased “Go and relax. Taeyong told me you have been working non-stop on this thing, over the waiter job too, so I can get why you feel stuck on the latter part of the album. Jaehyun you need to get out”

“I need a smoke”

Jaehyun stormed out of the room, and even if he felt like he was suffocating a bit, he went to have his smoking break. He had been trying to quit smoking, not conciuous, but he didn’t really smoke when Doyoung was around, and they spent quite some time around each other, so as a result, Jaehyun was smoking less and less.

But now he needed one.

You need to get out? Relax? For fucks sake, he had been relaxing for the pasts months, he had been doing nothing but relaxing and he still felt anxious. When he was halfway done with the cigarette, Jeno came out to the terrace.

“Weren’t you trying to quit smoking?”

“I was” he said with a soft cough

“I can clearly see that” Jeno muttered, ironically

“I hate when you use that tone”

“I only use it on you”

“That’s why I hate it” Jaehyun confessed “Sometimes I think you don’t like me anymore”

“What is this coming from Jaehyun? You asked me to review the album, and I told you I loved it. I just see how you are stressed and I want to help you out the best way I can”

“You are making fun of me because I can't quit smoking”

“That’s not what I am doing, and you know it”

Jaehyun sighs because he knows it's true. He hates how jumpy he can be with Jeno, but he knows it was because he doesn’t want the younger to be upset at him, he wants to be good to him. He tried to calm down, finishing his cigarette, and started explaining briefly his feelings about the whole situation.

It was easier to talk to him than to talk to anyone else about these things, because Jeno tried so hard to understand Jaehyun, and he asked about things that he hadn’t even thought about, so they both reached some conclusions faster.

“You have been doing a lot Jaehyun, trust me” Jeno assures “It’s completely understandable that you are stressed, just because you are working on something personal doesn’t mean it's not work, it still is. And it's going to stress you even more because it's only yours”

“I just want to do good, and I feel like if I don’t get this right, I will have thrown months of my life”

“But you didn’t Jae, you really didn’t. You have still a long way until you finish this, don’t be impatient, you need to be in a good place to continue with it. I think you are overwhelmed, and I also think you have to talk to Doyoung about it. I know it’s scary but show it to him, you told me he sings well, right?”

“He sounds like an angel Jeno, it’s unbelievable”

“And you told me he knows about music. He can help you, and deep down you seek his approval, which is completely normal, so don’t be stupid and show it to him”

Jaehyun silently agrees, and he wants to feel lighter, but his chest still aches.

Jeno goes after another hour of talking, and Jaehyun wants to smoke another cigarette, but he knows that he had a dinner date scheduled with Doyoung, and he is going to pick him up in less than an hour, so he turns down his own idea and starts getting ready. After a long shower, three outfit changes and some mint gum, he is rocking in his heels waiting for him.

Jaehyun smiles brightly when  he sees him, walking down the street. Doyoung is wearing an all-black outfit, except for the white knitted sweater under the black leather jacket. He looks stunning, and his black hair suits him like nothing does. Jaehyun thinks that maybe he can go blonde, as he couldn’t do it when his boyfriend still had white hair. They were going to look like decalcomanies.

“Hello baby” he whispers to Doyoung when he gets to his building door, and kisses him softly on the lips

Doyoung seemed upset at this, and Jaehyun knew why.

“I’m sorry, Jeno came over and we were talking about something, I got a bit stressed and-”

“It’s not on Jeno Jaehyun, you told me you were going to stop smoking”

“Doyoung please, not now. I just want to have a nice dinner, we can talk about it later”

“Okay”

Jaehyun knew that, that okay, it meant no more kisses. It was his policy and he had to accept it, but not kissing him was something that he could get over with, he wanted to be with him, it didn’t matter if he had to wait to get their lips together.

The dinner was nice, kind of intimate because the restaurant was half empty, which Jaehyun felt relieved at. He didn’t want to raise his voice to talk to Doyoung, he hated doing it. As they were getting back to his place, he felt his hands colder, because even if the restaurant was only fifteen minutes by walking from his place, it was still mid-October in Seoul, and it was cold. He didn’t know if Doyoung was going to want to come upstairs, but when they got to his building and he opened the main door, his boyfriend followed him without questions, so he guessed he was going to stay over.

As Doyoung was changing into some spare pajamas he had there, Jaehyun went to have a shower, and he brushed his teeth three times, just in case. He felt terribly because of smoking before seeing him, and he didn’t want to go to bed smelling like that. When he got into the bed and Doyoung went to cuddle him, he guessed he smelled better now, and he extended his arms to hug him.

“I’m sorry for today, I didn’t want to blame Jeno, I just, you know”

“I know Jaehyun, I’m sorry. I know you are quitting, I just hate it so much I’m not even fair” he whispered

“You are fair, I’m sorry”

“Do you want to tell me why were you stressed?”

“It’s uhm… about the album… I think I am a bit stuck, like, I think I need to free my mind, I am a bit overwhelmed to be honest”

“Did you talk about that with Jeno today?” Doyoung asking, caressing his jawline

“Yes, because he proposed me to go to Italy with him, like the four of us, and I felt stupidly spoiled because I feel like I have been doing nothing lately and I don’t know, I just feel like my mind is rumbling about a hundred things at the same time even and I am not even doing half of the things I want to do”

“Baby, you are doing a lot. I am really sure that you are making amazing with the album and I really want to hear it, but I want you to show me when you are ready. You have been too focused on that, and honestly I agree with Jeno, I think we could both use a vacation, outside Seoul”

“Would you like it?”

“I think so, I think it could be very nice, even more if Jaemin and Jeno joins us…”

Jaehyun felt some kind of yearning in his voice, and he had to make sure he was doing okay with the whole situation.

“Why do you say it like that? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I mean, I think about Jeno and Jaemin a lot, and I think we could actually learn so much about them”

“Meaning?”

“Like, I don’t know” Doyoung shifted a bit in his place, seating up against the headboard “They act so free, and yes, I know their jobs are very much artistical, but like, their attitudes, they look so confident every time they make a risky choice… I don’t want to look scaredy to you, I want to be brave”

“Doyoung” Jaehyun said, now seating in his knees in front of Doyoung, cupping his face “You are the bravest person I know, so don’t even get me started over there”

“But-”

“No baby, you are. And we are going to make a lot of decisions together, okay? First one, going to Italy. It’s actually next week”

“Next week? Oh my god, I need to start preparing, did you book the flights already? Are we sitting together?”

“Dongi, let’s get everything done tomorrow, we can have lunch with them”

“Okay, seems nice, text them before you forget”

Jaehyun hummed as a response and unlocked his phone, instantly opening Jeno’s chat.

jaehyun

lunch tomorrow? we can talk about italy

lee jeno (gay model)

done

2 at my place?

jaehyun

yeah

(please let jaemin cook)

lee jeno (gay model)

of course

see u, gonna keep on watching mr.plankton

i really recommend it to you, but it’s a bit sad

jaehyun

why don’t u want to be happy

lee jeno (gay model)

jaemin asks me the same thing all the time

idk

gn

jaehyun

i love you jen

lee jeno (gay model)

i love you too Jaehyun, a lot

sorry for today

jaehyun

don’t u worry, i was the one being grumpy

lee jeno (gay model)

god saves us when u are thirty

but at the same time

thank god you are hot

you would be very much single if you were grumpy and not hot

jaehyun

good night jeno

lee jeno (gay model)

good night daddy

jaehyun

wrong chat????????????????

lee jeno (gay model)

not rlly

“Why are you laughing?” Doyoung asks

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you” Jaehyun tries to whisper but ends up couching instead “Jeno just called me daddy”

“Hot” Doyoung admits “Sadly for you I have daddy issues”

“Don’t be stupid”

Jaehyun lowkey hates when Doyoung jokes about that, but he knows sometimes is the best way he can cope with it, so he lets it slide, most of the times. He doesn’t usually think about everything that Doyoung had endured because he is afraid of all the feelings he can develop with it.

The first time Doyoung told him, Jaehyun had felt incredibly sorry for everything that happened at his house, with the locked bathroom incident. He had hated everything he did that might have triggered him, and most definitely he hated Doyoung’s father. He will never admit it to him, but he wishes he was dead.

Luckily, Doyoung doesn’t push it longer, and they both try to sleep. Jaehyun closes his eyes, trying to soothe himself as his boyfriend is calmly sleeping after a few minutes, but he stills feels a bit uneasy. He feels so lucky having Doyoung by his side, but the thought of hurting him is terrifying. He doesn’t deserve anything that had happened to him, at least everything that happened before Yuta.

He felt sorry for his father, for his grandfather and grandmother death, for the abuse and for the neglecting. He felt sorry for every time Doyoung felt like he was worthless, because to Jaehyun, he was the worthiest person in the world. He couldn’t think of anyone that deserved more happiness than him, and now, he was a great responsible of what might happen, so he had to do good, for him.

-

They end up going to Italy, and it’s the best thing that had happened for them in a long time.

Jaehyun felt so fucking excited as the plane descended, skimming through a soft haze of clouds before breaking into the Italian skies. Below, the golden hills of Tuscany awaited them. Jaehyun watched the landscape stretch endlessly beneath him, each shadow and sunbeam shifting like brush strokes on a canvas. Even from above, it felt alive, a land whispered about in their stories.

Beside him, Doyoung was engrossed in a book, the corners of his mouth curving in concentration. Occasionally, he'd glance out the window, eyes lingering on the endless patchwork of fields and villages. The tension he'd carried from Seoul seemed to ease with each passing moment, and Jaehyun felt a quiet relief at seeing it. They both needed this escape, from tight schedules, crowded streets, and their own restless minds.

In front of them, Jeno and Jaemin were lost in their own world. Jeno, animated and full of energy, was pointing out details in the in-flight magazine, discussing potential photoshoot spots with the enthusiasm of a seasoned explorer. Jaemin, ever observant, listened with a thoughtful smile, his eyes glinting with excitement as he jotted down notes in a small leather notebook. Jaehyun could never get tired of seeing both of them. He will forever be grateful for Jaemin, for showing Jeno what his life could look like.

And because Jeno had been traveling for the past years, he had an uncanny knack for finding hidden gems, flights, restaurants, hotels no one had heard of yet. This trip was no exception. The boutique hotel they'd booked, nestled between sprawling vineyards and centuries-old olive groves, was his latest discovery. Rustic yet elegant, it promised a sanctuary far removed from the chaos of their everyday lives.

Their first morning in Tuscany felt like waking up inside a dream. The air was thick with the scent of lavender and fresh earth. Jaehyun stood on the terrace, a steaming cup of hot chocolate warming his hands. Below, the golden fields stretched toward the horizon, a sea of swaying grass punctuated by dark green cypress trees.

Doyoung joined him, wordlessly handing over a croissant wrapped in a napkin. They stood in companionable silence, watching the world wake up around them.

“Feeling better?” Doyoung finally asked, breaking the silence.

Jaehyun nodded, his eyes soft “It's strange... but I think so”

The weight of expectations, self-imposed and otherwise, had been pressing on both of them for months. Here, surrounded by endless sky and earth, it was easier to breathe. And he didn’t need to explain it further, because Doyoung nodded and he kissed his forehead as he sat beside him.

Their days quickly fell into a rhythm. Mornings began with rich coffee and quiet walks through ancient towns, cobblestone streets leading them past weathered stone buildings and overflowing flower boxes. They moved slowly, allowing the pace of the place to guide them.

Jaehyun and Jaemin spent hours exploring the countryside, cameras in hand. Jaemin had a way of seeing the world that always left Jaehyun in awe. Every shadow, every slant of light held a story waiting to be captured.

“Look at that” Jaemin pointed toward a crumbling stone wall, where wildflowers had pushed their way through the cracks

Jaehyun nodded, feeling the quiet truth of it settle deep in his chest. They wandered through fields of sunflowers and lavender, the scent hanging heavy in the air. Jaemin would occasionally stop, crouching down to capture a detail that Jaehyun would have missed, a fallen petal, a lone butterfly.

“You're looking for perfection” Jaemin mused one afternoon, their path winding through an olive grove “You have to look for honesty”

Jaehyun had always trusted Jaemin's eye, and now more than ever, he felt the pieces of his vision beginning to fall into place. He knew they were breaking their no-work policy, but Jaemin always knew how to be subtle about those things. Jaehyun nodded, softly smiling.

Meanwhile, Jeno and Doyoung formed a closer bond. Their conversations often meandered late into the night, spanning everything from their careers to their personal struggles. Jeno, with his uneasy confidence and open heart, had a way of drawing people out. Doyoung, who so often carried the weight of responsibility, found himself opening up in a way that surprised even him. Jaehyun was very proud of both of them

“Sometimes, I wonder if I'm chasing something I'll never catch” Doyoung admitted one evening as they sat on the hotel's terrace

Jaehyun wanted to answer him, but he saw Jeno smiled and he knew he didn’t need to “Maybe it's not about catching it. Maybe it's about the chase itself”

Their friendship deepened in quiet moments like these, each conversation a reminder that they weren't alone in their struggles.

Evenings were a tapestry of laughter and shared stories, glasses of local wine passing between them. They dined on terraces overlooking the hills, the scent of rosemary and wood smoke lingering in the air. The food, simple, rustic, felt like a revelation for Doyoung. And the music for Jaehyun. He opened his phone a hundred times a day, recording himself when he hummed some songs, other times opening Shazam as he wanted to know what song they were playing in the local restaurant. It was very mesmerizing, how a culture from so far away could make you feel so welcome.

Their last night in Tuscany was tinged with a quiet melancholy. They gathered on the terrace, the soft hum of cicadas filling the air. The sky was a canvas of deep blues and purples, the first stars beginning to appear.

“Do you think we'll forget this?” Doyoung asked, his voice soft.

“How could we?”

They sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. There was a sense of finality, but also of new beginnings. They had come here seeking something, escape, inspiration, connection, and they had found it in ways they hadn't expected.

As they packed their bags the next morning, Jaehyun stood on the terrace one last time, the golden hills stretching out before him. He took a deep breath, the scent of lavender and earth filling his lungs. Somewhere in the quiet, he could hear the faint strains of a melody taking shape, a reflection of the days spent in the company of friends who felt like family, in a place that seemed to hold pieces of all their stories.

They had to come back, and it wasn’t as painful as they thought. It was harder to say goodbye to Jeno and Jaemin, because they wanted to keep on with their nonsense banters and their stupid would you rather, but everyone had jobs they needed to get back to.

Jaehyun came back to The BAT, and god, he missed it. He didn’t miss the schedule though, but he missed everything else. He loved his fucked-up routine, sleeping till afternoon with Doyoung, having an early dinner at the restaurant, and trying whatever Yuta had prepared for that day.

And as the days passed, Jaehyun's vision for his album cover began to take shape. It wasn't a single image he had after, but a feeling. Something raw and honest, something that captured the quiet beauty of imperfection. He discussed it with Jungwoo and Taeyong, the three of them in their living room. Jaehyun was explaining what he had been talking about with Jaemin, the whole vision of it, and even if it was something easy, it wasn’t the word to describe it. It was simple, honest, raw. It was him.

He scheduled the photoshoot with Jaemin a few days before New Year's Eve. He was nervous as his friend was taking a hundred pictures of him. Standing up in an old bath, slightly soaked, was very weird. It was December, and it was fucking cold, but as he felt anxious, his chest was still warm. The whole thing felt overwhelming until Jaemin turned on the computer to show Jaehyun the pictures.

Jaemin's photos became a mirror, reflecting the essence of his journey. He knew it was hard to explain with words what he had been feeling for the past years, but he thought it would be even harder to picture them. But Jaemin did it so effortlessly, each frame told a story, capturing moments of stillness and movement, light and shadow.

"You're not looking for a perfect image Jaehyun,"

“But I want it to be perfect”

"You're looking for something real, that’s perfect enough"

Jaehyun nodded, feeling the meaning behind it. He wanted to answer him but his throat felt sore. Maybe it was because all the feelings were bottling up, or because he spent near two hours sitting and standing in a semi filled bath, but the words got stuck inside him.

-

New Year’s Eve went very differently that year, only Jaehyun, Doyoung, Yuta, and Taeyong were able to meet for dinner. It was cozy, warm, and familiar, even if Doyoung and Taeyong bickered about the last crumb of bread on the table. They decided to settle the whole resolution thing for another day when everyone could meet up, so they wrapped up the holiday pretty soon.

Doyoung was driving back to his house this time, and Jaehyun couldn’t stop thinking about him. The song playing in the radio was fading softly with the scenery that he had grown fond of. He had grown fond of everything about Doyoung, and he wasn’t complaining one bit. The walk to his apartment from the parking lot, the waiting for the fancy elevator, his whole house. Everything was so Doyoung.

As usual, his boyfriend fell asleep before him, this time not because Jaehyun was anxious, but because he was so at ease that he wanted to cherish the feeling a bit more. He wanted to keep on feeling so calm. But he was exhausted, it had been a very long year, so he let himself get some sleep.

He dreamt about Doyoung, about his trip to Italy, but all of his friends were there. He dreamt about that club song that they heard one night and everyone loved it so much. He also dreamt about Doyoung and him adopting a dog, but Mark teased them about the dog feeling lonely, so they got two. When he woke up, Doyoung was still sleeping, so Jaehyun hugged him softly, tucking him tighter.

I see you when I sleep at night

You know I dream you, right?

He went over Doyoung’s studio and reviewed the pictures that Jaemin sent him. He also sent him a couple of small discographies and labels that he could try and send his sample. He didn’t do it, at least not that morning, and not because he didn’t want to, but because he wanted to finish it, and even if he found some closure with the whole concept of it, he needed a musical one. He wanted to write at least one more song.

He tried focusing during the next weeks. He also showed the album to Mark, because he was actually someone he could trust, music-worth it. He was also honest with Jaehyun, giving him a lot of feedback, but he was clueless about what to do with the ending of it. Jaehyun sighed loudly, it wasn’t going to be an easy thing.

He tried to look for inspiration everywhere, but one night, as he was working with Doyoung, he knew he was all the inspiration he needed. He started writing about him when he got to his house the next morning, and he kept on doing it so for the next days, trying to squeeze out every single thought he had. He thought about the possibility to give the album to Doyoung as his birthday present. The only problem was that it was in two weeks from that day.

He worked non-stop on it, detailing the last single recording that he had, singing background voices until his throat was sore and playing the guitar until his fingers ached. He really tried but he didn’t make it to his birthday. Still, he got so much done that he now thought about the real possibility of sending it to a record label. But he didn’t want to do it with Jaemin’s contacts, he wanted to make it by himself. He sent a couple of songs to a bunch of unknown companies and hoped for the best.

-

I don't know

Somethin' about you, babe

“Curly fries or-” Mark asked

“Yeah”

They were in the drive-through of a burger place, trying to get everyone’s order right. It was so embarrassing to ask for Jungwoo and Yuta’s food because one of them ate like a five-year-old and the other refused to eat anything that was processed (except for the Twix, Jaehyun can't erase it from his mind). So, they end up ordering everyone’s food, and Jaehyun starts munching on his fries on their way back.

“Dude, wait until we are there”

“Don’t worry, I won’t eat yours”

“I know, still” Mark stops on a red light “Are you nervous?”

“I guess” Jaehyun sighs

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I guess the whole quitting nicotine has been making me feel like shit” Jaehyun admits “The withdrawal is been making me feel so fucking anxious all the time”

“Well, you are an anxious person Jaehyun, so I guess that is going to make it worse”

“It has been already, I've tried everything” Jaehyun coughs a bit, feeling his throat hurt “Also the whole album thing had been making me go crazy, I haven’t received any answer, from anyone”

“It has only been a month,” Mark says as the green light flashes in front of them “It will happen Jaehyun”

“I guess”

“And why did you decide you wanted to quit by the way? I know it’s bad for your health and you turned thirty last mo-”

“Shut up already” Jaehyun scoffs, placing a fry inside of Mark’s mouth “Doyoung hates the smell”

“I can imagine”

“No, but like, he is kind of triggered by it so, I just don’t want to put him under that pressure. But yeah, let’s say it’s for healthy reasons”

Mark nods, showing his understatement.

They went to Mark and Sophia’s place. They moved a while ago to a house in the countryside, really close to Seulgi’s. They also had a flat at the center of Seoul but they used this one as their weekend’s getaway. Doyoung and Jeno greeted them when they were getting the food out of the car, and they all had a nice lunch inside the living room. They had to use stools and one small sofa as seating, but everyone fitted just perfectly.

It was such a familiar thing to them to spend their whole afternoon sitting together after they had lunch, it was heartwarming. Jaemin and Jisung cleaned the table while Jungwoo and Jhonny went outside to have a walk around the neighborhood. At this point, it was very clear that they were dating, but no one was surprised because they did a real-life soft launch. Jungwoo never admitted it, so they didn’t tease him about it because they all knew it was his first serious boyfriend, and his friend had his insecurities around it, so they all tried to be supportive. Well, everyone except Taeyong, who was tired of their absurd thing about trying not to act all lovey around each other. Jaehyun found it funny.

Eventually, they came back, just in time to start the fifth round of Rummikub, when Sohpia came back from the kitchen with more lemonade.

“Who wants alcohol in it? I know you guys, it’s almost seven, someone must be craving a drink”

Everyone raised their hands. Sophia laughed it off and everyone started helping her make the cocktails. She started counting the heads as if she were a kindergarten teacher.

“Eleven” Taeyong said

Sophia frowned and counted again “Mark! Bring ten glasses!” she directed at his boyfriend, who was picking up all the things from the kitchen

“Eleven!” Taeyong said, laughing “Jisung is old enough to drink Soph”

“Well, he is taller than you so I guessed it” She teased “But I’m pregnant so I can’t drink”

The room fell silent. Silent except for Jungwoo’s gasp and Taeyong's clap to his mouth, trying to cover it. Jaehyun thought he had heard wrong, but when he looked at her, he knew that smile couldn’t be a lie. Instantly after, Mark came out of the kitchen with his hands full of glasses, lemons, and long spoons. He looked quite confused as everyone was just standing in the living room, almost as if time stopped around them.

“What are you guys doing?”

No one wanted to answer. Did he not know? Jaehyun knew Mark couldn’t keep a secret, and if he knew, he would have told him in the drive to get the food. He guessed he didn’t know.

“I don’t know,” Sohpia said smiling “I told them I couldn’t drink because I am pregnant, and they have been like that since then”

And obviously, Mark joined them, but only for a second, because he was now moving slowly toward her, squinting his eyes. His breath was heavy, and he had to hold the table to have some support on his weak knees.

“What?” he whispered

“I am pregnant baby, surprise”

He had the most loving face that Jaehyun had ever seen on a woman. Her eyes were caring and her smile was attentive, you could read her like a book, and right now, she looked like the happiest person in the planet.

“Are you kidding me Soph? Tell me you are not”

“I am not baby” She turned quickly and opened a drawer, rumbled through it, and got out a pregnancy test

Jaehyun couldn’t see if it was positive, but as Mark jumped onto her, grabbing her and lifting her, he guessed she wasn’t joking. Everyone joined them, shyly hugging her because no one knew how to react.

Mark was going to be a dad? He was only twenty-eight…

Well, that seemed like a reasonable age to be a dad. And Sophia was twenty-seven, so yeah. They both had life figured it out, or at least it looked like it. They both had stable jobs, more than economically stable, two houses, and now, a baby on the way. It seemed all too staged for Jaehyun as if those things couldn’t happen to him.

-

And as he guessed, everyone took it as their clue to start working on themselves.

Jeno and Jaemin adopted a dog, a Samoyed. Jaemin had been bickering since they knew him that it was his favorite dog breed, so it was only a matter of time.

Yuta and Taeyong moved in together at Yuta’s, so Jungwoo had the apartment all for himself. Well, not only for himself, but they all acted like it when he delivered the news.

And Jaehyun felt extremely happy for all of them, but he obviously felt left out. He felt like it was too soon to move in with Doyoung. It was too soon to adopt a dog with him, and even sooner to have children. The more Jaehyun thought about it the more frightening everything was.

“You are spacing out again” Doyoung said, stopping the movie they were watching

“Sorry” Jaehyun coughs softly, blinking repeatedly “I am a bit tired”

“It’s only five, but we can have a nap if you want to baby”

Jaehyun nods. He feels he can talk about his feelings better if he is lying in bed. They both get under the thin blanket, even if it’s late May, but he feels safer. Doyoung does the same, even if he is too picky with the weather and he is probably feeling sweaty already. Jaehyun smiles at that.

The way you make me feel

It's surreal, for real, though

“I think that something in my life is missing”

“Why do you feel like that? Do you feel unhappy?”

“Sometimes, but I don’t know where the feeling comes from, that’s what is a bit confusing”

“Have you been feeling pressured about the whole Mark and Sophia thing?”

“Yeah…” Jaehyun asks, confused

Doyoung comes close and holds him, kissing his forehead. It’s cute because Doyoung is way smaller than Jaehyun, and his arms feel so light against Jaehyun’s torso, yet, he hadn’t felt that reassured in weeks.

“I miss my family” Jaehyun confesses

“Then why don’t… uhm.. why don’t we go…”

“Would you want to come with me? To see them?”

“I think so” Doyoung nods “I think I am ready”

Jaehyun smiles brightly and kisses him back.

They keep on talking about some of Jaehyun’s struggles, but he feels lighter after thinking about the whole visiting his parents with Doyoung. He admits to him that he wants to start planning the whole thing already and that they would talk about him later. Doyoung nods because he can’t say no to Jaehyun.

Jaehyun instantly calls his mother and tells her the news, almost tearing up as she sounds so excited. The next days they go over the details, booking their flights and talking to Yuta about asking for vacation. He knew Yuta was too biased with them, but they always got away with it, so it was okay. They would buy something for him as a thank-you present.

Jaehyun couldn’t sleep the night before, and because he was nervously sweating, he started to cough, feeling hot and cold all over him. He moved quickly from Doyoung’s bed to the living room, in a poor attempt to not wake him up, but he tripped at the entrance with their already packed luggage. Doyoung called him back to bed and ran his fingers through his hair until he fell asleep.

-

The low hum of the plane’s engines faded into the soft rustling of wind against the tall trees. Jaehyun closed his eyes briefly, letting the familiar scent of home wrap around him like a long-lost melody. Doyoung stood beside him, slightly awestruck by the sprawling landscape.

The week stretched before them like an open road, unknown but inviting. Jaehyun's family home stood at the end of a quiet lane lined with maples, their leaves just beginning to turn. It had been too long since Jaehyun last walked this path, and he felt a mixture of nostalgia and anticipation. Doyoung, by his side, seemed to sense the gravity of the moment, his eyes taking in every detail.

Inside, the house was warm and lived-in, filled with memories that danced around Jaehyun like old friends. Family photos lined the walls, and the scent of something familiar cooking wafted from the kitchen. His parents greeted them with open arms and bright smiles, their joy at seeing Jaehyun spilling over into their welcome for Doyoung.

Even if Doyoung seemed composed, Jaehyun knew he was nervous as hell, but he knew his family was also welcoming, so he tried and let things run smoothly between them. Over the next few days, he found himself sinking into the rhythms of their life. Mornings were spent lingering over coffee and stories, Jaehyun’s parents eager to catch up on every detail of their son’s life. Afternoons were reserved for exploring the town, and Jaehyun guided Doyoung through his favorite places. They weren’t that interesting now, Jaehyun realized, because the small bookstore on Main Street where he used to go with his father was now really small, and the parks where he used to play at were all modernized and full of screaming children. He still smiled, because he used to be one of those kids.

Evenings were the most intimate, the four of them gathered around the dinner table, the conversation flowing easily. There was a comfort in the simplicity of those moments, sharing meals, laughter, and memories. Jaehyun felt how Doyoung watched him relaxing in the environment, because here, in his house with his family, the weight of expectations and ambitions was temporarily lifted. Here he was just Jaehyun, their son.

One afternoon, they took a drive into the countryside, the road winding through golden fields and dense woods. They stopped at a quiet lake, the water reflecting the cloudless sky. Jaehyun's parents had packed a picnic, and they spread a blanket under a towering oak. Doyoung listened as Jaehyun's father recounted stories from his youth, his voice rich with history and pride. His mother chimed in with her own tales, each one painting a picture of a family deeply connected by love and shared experiences.

At the airport, the reality of departure set in. The week had been a pause, a gentle respite from the world waiting for them beyond these moments. Jaehyun felt the familiar pull of conflicting emotions, grateful for the time spent but heavy with the knowledge of distance.

As they waited at the gate, Jaehyun’s phone buzzed. An email.

He knew it was an email because he had set a different ringtone for it.

He opened it absentmindedly, his eyes scanning the words. Doyoung touched his shoulder because he noticed the shift in his expression, a flicker of something between surprise and disbelief. A record label wanted to meet with him.

For a moment, the world narrowed to that small screen, the words offering a glimpse of a future he had only dared to imagine. Doyoung watched him, waiting. Jaehyun looked up, their eyes meeting. In that silent exchange, so much was conveyed, hope, excitement, and a huge amount of fear.

The plane boarded, and the journey home began. As they settled into their seats, the week already felt like a dream, a perfect interlude that would linger in their memories. Jaehyun spent the whole flight writing down some introductions and a small speech for his interview. Beside him, Doyoung reached for his hand, a quiet reassurance.

When they got off the plane, he didn’t wait until he was out of the airport to reply to their email, as he wrote at least 10 drafts of possible answers. Doyoung helped him select the most professional but informal one. He told him that it was his vibe. Maybe he was right.

That Wednesday, Jaehyun went to the meeting. He talked with a bunch of staff, producers, and lyricists, all of them eager to praise him on his words. And not only did they want to work with them, to sign a contract and collaborate on the album, they wanted to do it by the next month.

“This is just so captivating,” one of the producers said “I don’t think it needs many changes Jaehyun”

“You did this by yourself?” another producer said as she flipped through the concept photos he prepared as a portfolio

“My friend Jaemin helped me with the photographs, Na Jaemin”

“I don’t know him but goddam” she picked up “You can tell him to reach us too, he did an amazing job”

“I will tell him that, thank you”

“Thank you Jaehyun, for your hard work” another producer stepped into the conversation “It shows a lot, this work”

Jaehyun can only nod and smile, feeling very shy but, at the same time, full of pride. Doyoung is waiting for him at the building door, and just by how Jaehyun is walking, he throws himself to him, hugging him. He showers Jaehyun in kisses and they both go to have lunch at a restaurant that Doyoung booked, even if he doesn’t know the outcome of the meeting. That’s how much he trusted him.

Beat of your heart

breathe in my arms

I feel you, feel me?

Jaehyun called every single friend he had and told him the good news, even Renjun and Ten, whom he hadn’t seen often, but they cheered for Jaehyun over the phone with so much honesty that made him tear up. He felt so proud of himself and he was so happy that he could share it with the people he loved the most.

He called his parents too, and his father told him that he always had something for music. He told him that he used to play music on some headphones and placed them close to her mother’s tummy when she was pregnant with him. Jaehyun pictured instantly, his mother fed up with his father’s nonsense. It has always been like that.

That day the shift felt longer than it should because he wanted to get home and work on his album.

He of course overworked himself until he sent the final version to the label. He slept too little, only taking naps before having lunch and after that. He spends his afternoons re-recording himself singing, the evenings and nights working at The BAT, and re-writing lyrics in the morning. Some days he couldn’t even listen to his voice without cringing, and those days he worked on the production of the whole album.

He still had to name it. He wanted to name it after so many people, after so many memories. He owned the album to Jeno and his infinite support, to Jaemin and his unconditional helpful self, to Taeyong for having the most patience out of them all, to Mark and Sophia for giving him the will to achieve his dreams, to Jungwoo for always loving him. He owned it to Doyoung the most because the album was inspired by him, almost completely. It was inspired by his gaze, himself, his hair, his hands, his face, and his blinding smile.

But he had to be honest, even if his hands were shaking when he wrote the album name in the file he had to send to the label.

He was the one who did it. He was the one who recorded over a thousand minutes of singing, who played the guitar and the piano like his life was on the line. He was the one who had sleepless nights thinking about bridges and lyrics. He had been working on this for the past years, and he had to give himself some credit.

J – The 1st album

It was simple, professional and informal, like him. It was him.

He finished writing it on the form, completely shaking when he pressed the send button. In fact, he had to ask Doyoung to press it for him, he wasn’t confident enough.

“Thank god you sent it already”

“Are you relieved?”

“Jaehyun, you haven’t let me fully listen to it and all of our friends are telling me what a genius boyfriend I have, of course I want to listen to it!” Doyoung says as he sits on his lap, cupping his face “And you have been overworking yourself too fucking bad I was about to lose it but I knew it was going to be temporary”

Jaehyun wanted to argue, but it was nonsense, and it would probably be a lie.

“You have been sleeping so little baby, and I know you have been eating like shit” Doyoung scoffs at him “Jeno told me you canceled on him, at the gym, so many times. And the times you went apparently Renjun could lift more than you”

“Are you only with me because of my amazing body?” Jaehyun tried to diversify the topic, but his boyfriend was Doyoung. He was bound to fail at this

“Mainly, that’s why I need you to maintain it” Doyoung shifted in his lap, resting his face on his shoulder “I was starting to become a bit worried for real, but as I said, I knew it was going to be over soon. Now, can I listen to it?”

“No, I want you to listen to the final version. It will be out by the end of this month I think, if everything goes according to plan”

“Fucking hell, okay” Doyoung sighed, defeated “Now come on, stand up, and let’s eat something”

Doyoung tried to get out of his lap, but Jaehyun sat him down again, pressing him against his body, against his.

“Jaehyun you are insane if you think I am going to blow you right now” Doyoung now stands up “You are close to passing out and I can’t lift you up from the floor, so please, first let’s eat something, and if you are still feeling hungry after that, I will let you eat me out. Sounds good?”

Jaehyun nodded. He was just a man. Of course, he was going to say yes if the end of the proposition was having sex. He was simple.

Simple, professional and informal. That was him.

Chapter Text

“Do you want to move in with me?”

Jaehyun is just finishing his third shot in under fifteen minutes when Doyoung is proposing this to him. Luckily for him, they are in a crowded bar and no one from his friends happens to notice this question, because he doesn’t know what to answer.

“What?”

“I said if you want to move in with me”

Jaehyun curses under his breath because Doyoung is serious about this question.

They had their second anniversary just last week because they were overbooked with their schedules last year. Well, they didn’t forget that much because they went to Italy together and had a wonderful trip. Still, it wasn’t for the purpose of their anniversary, so for the second year they wanted to do something different, so they went to the restaurant where they went the day they asked out to each other. It was an intimate moment, and they both cherished it very much. They were also the usual cringy couple when no one was watching because they both got matching bracelets.

After that day they were sweeter to each other, as if they missed their silly little interactions. Doyoung spent more days at Jaehyun’s, at this point, they were even joking about sharing the rent of his apartment. But Jaehyun knew he was joking; he would never ask for money. He didn’t do it when he needed it, and he wasn’t going to do it now, because he wanted Doyoung as close as possible, and it didn’t matter if he had to pay everything to be with him. If he could, he would do it.

That led to a conversation a week ago about how Doyoung was starting to get tired of his apartment because a lot of people were moving into it, and they were building a couple more of them next to his. The whole area was growing because of the city's expansion and Seoul’s incredible population growth.

But Jaehyun would never imagine that Doyoung was going to ask him that. Especially not in a bar, full of his friends. They were celebrating Mark and Sophia’s newborn baby, Ewan. Neither Mark nor Sophia were there, but they wanted to go out and celebrate an important date in their friends’ lives. But everyone was too drunk to notice Doyoung’s proposal. Everyone except Jaehyun.

He didn’t know what to answer, and Doyoung seemed pissed because he wasn’t even talking to him, so the older just turned around and went for another drink. Jaehyun tried to stop him because he was drunk already, Doyoung accepted it, but he still went to the counter and just sat there. Jaehyun went out to get fresh air, almost feeling calmer when all the smoking smell came to his face as soon as he opened the exit door.

Did he want to move in with Doyoung?  Of course, yes. Right now? Maybe not.

The main question was where they were going to live because Jaehyun did not want to move where Doyoung lived, he wanted his friends closer. And Doyoung didn’t want to live in the center, it was too overwhelming for him. In fact, it was kind of stupid because both of them spent countless days in each other’s houses, but neither of them wanted to lose their space, which was completely understandable.

Then again, their place of work was right in the middle, and even if Doyoung loved driving to work and commuting, Jaehyun didn’t enjoy going there, because he went by subway. Maybe it had something to do with wanting to quit his job, but that was another thing completely. Every time he thought about leaving The BAT, he opened the mail app and looked at the label monthly mail about his revenue. He made 75.000 wons in October, and it didn’t look better in November.

So quitting his job wasn’t an option, at least for now.

His mind was jumping all over random places again, but luckily for him, Jeno went out of the bar too, eyes instantly lighting up when he spotted Jaehyun. God, he was the cutest person ever. Jaehyun felt calmer when Jeno approached him, and his anxiety seemed to leave his body when both hugged.

“Are you okay?” Jeno asked him, rubbing his

“Doyoung asked me to move in with him”

“Oh my god! Congrats!” Jeno broke the hug to high-five him, but Jaehyun looked at him with confusion “Jaehyun? Don’t you want to move in with him?”

“I mean yes but-”

“But means no”

“No, listen” Jaehyun paced around until he found some dirty stairs where he could sit “I don’t want to move in at his place, and I don’t think right now is the perfect moment because-”

“Nothing is going to feel like the perfect moment Jaehyun, there is always going to be something”

“I know but-” Jaehyun looked up at Jeno and snapped his finger at him “Don’t tell me to talk to him because that is exactly what I don’t want to do”

“Good to hear that,” Doyoung said from behind “You are being ridiculous”

“Jesus Doyoung, can’t you let me talk with Jeno for a fucking second?” Jaehyun quickly defends himself

“Of course, sorry for wanting to check on you”

“Don’t be like that” Jaehyun tries

He turns to check on Jeno, but his friend is already rushing inside. He can’t blame him, no one would want to be open for an uncalled argument. Doyoung goes and sits with Jaehyun, and even if both of them are awkward, they don’t want to be apart.

“I do want to, but I don’t think I am ready”

“And why didn’t you say that first?”

“Because I didn’t know how to, sorry”

“It’s okay Jaehyun, I just want you to be good baby”

“Doyoung I love you”

Of course, they have told each other I love you before, and that’s why they knew what it meant. Jaehyun was way too overwhelmed to keep on explaining himself at the moment, and the only thing he was sure about was his love for Doyoung. He could explain more of himself in the morning, but right now he wanted to think about it, calmly.

They agreed to go home, even if everyone complained to them for being such oldies, but they didn’t mind. They went to Jaehyun’s, and after some toast with bread and some mango juice to prevent a terrible hungover, they went to sleep.

The next morning, when Jaehyun opened his eyes, Doyoung wasn’t in bed. He knew he was going to be cleaning, he did when he was stressed, and he knew his apartment was kind of a mess these last days, so he was not surprised when he went out of his room and saw how neat everything was. Doyoung was now cleaning the windows, and Jaehyun thought that was enough.

“Good morning,” he said softly, sitting on the couch “Do you mind joining me here?”

“I need to finish this first”

“Please”

Doyoung scoffs, silently agreeing. He leaves all his cleaning items on the dining table and sits with Jaehyun. Even if it's morning, Doyoung seems tired, and that means that he hasn’t slept well and has been cleaning for a couple of hours now. Jaehyun feels sorry because he knows the older would have rather talked about everything last night, but he couldn’t. So they had to come to a middle term, so this was it.

“I am sorry about last night, I should have been more clear about not being able to express it. I do want to move in with you, but I am not ready to get rid of this” Jaehyun motions at his place “I still have a couple of years of the rent, and I really love this place, I don’t want to live away from our friends, I want to be here Doyoung. I still have a lot of things to do in Seoul”

“Wait Jaehyun, I know that,” Doyoung says now “I know this, and I have been kind of wanting the same, but like… I don’t want to intrude, but I think I am fed up with my place. This is definitely not me trying to gaslight you into-”

“Don’t use the word gaslight, you know it cracks me up” Jaehyun chuckles

“But I mean it! I don’t want to just knock on your door and be like hey! Let’s move in together in your place”

“But I would rather live together at my place than at yours, no offense, but-”

“None taken Jaehyun, I know that apartment is way too big for me and it kind of feels impersonal, I know that. That’s why I would also rather live with you… here”

“But you didn’t like the center”

“I didn’t, but with you is different. I guess I would like to-”

Jaehyun knows he owes this one to Doyoung, so he cuts him straight.

“Kim Doyoung, do you want to move in with me?”

Jaehyun feels soft because his boyfriend gets teary and nods. He didn’t think about the possibility of Doyoung wanting to move in with him, but he thought it was only natural. He was so happy that he could keep what he wanted most around, without having to sacrifice his house.

-

And that’s how they got to this day.

They were stressing, mostly Doyoung, because they were preparing their first shared birthday party at their place. It was still weird to be calling it their place, but all of the arrangements had been done for the past months. Jaehyun managed everything in the contracts, and Doyoung arranged his. They both moved everything Doyoung owned to his place for a couple of weeks, having to ask their friends for help. It had been some very chaotic months, but they made it.

They were sharing their bills evenly, both of them taking care of the car, the house, the groceries. Doyoung drove them to work, and Jaehyun drove back. They had a little schedule on the fridge with the cleaning duties (courtesy of Doyoung) and they had a big one on the wall, a monthly planner. They wrote Jaehyun’s gym sessions, their friends birthdays and every sort of day that needed to be remembered. And as they were already so settled living together, they decided to host a shared birthday party.

“This is very…. classy” Jaehyun complains as he places the paper cups on the table

“They are paper cups Jaehyun, nothing from it is classy ”

“Why don’t we get real ones? You brought over a hundred of them”

“Because Mark and Sophia are bringing Jae”

“Yeah and? I don’t think Ewan minds eating out of a ceramic plate or a paper one, in fact, I think he is going to be eating straight from-”

“Jaehyun, just place the paper plates.”

“Yes sir” Jaehyun salutes like he is a soldier, and Doyoung laughs about that

They can both be stubborn at times, but they try to acknowledge when the other is right and they take turns to be obnoxiously stubborn.

Their friends start arriving when Jaehyun is finishing getting dressed. Since he has now to share his walk-in closet with Doyoung, he spends double time finding what he wants to wear. Doyoung says it has nothing to do with him and he is just a mess. Jaehyun would never admit that.

Even if it is Jaehyun and Doyoung’s birthday, Mark, Sophia and Ewan are the center of attention, no one complains about that. Sophia explains to them about how they have been managing the whole influencer thing and that luckily now a lot of brands want to collab with her, promoting baby stuff, so they have their house full of free samples. They didn’t show their baby on Sophia’s page, but they told everyone about it, mainly because both of them were having a break from their jobs. Jhonny and Jisung are taking care of the podcast, Jungwoo explains. He gets all flustered when he talks about Jhonny, and everyone thinks is cute.

“Can I hold him?” Doyoung asks Mark

“Yeah of course dude”

“Mark don’t talk about our baby as if it was a basket ball” Sophia complains from the hall

“I am not honey!”

“I literally heard you!”

“Sorry baby!”

Mark hands the baby to Doyoung with so much care that Jaehyun lets out a loud breath when Doyoung finally holds him.

“Didn’t yall think I was going to drop him right?”

No one says nothing. Its better to not say nothing in cases like this. Mark looks offended, but as he cracks his neck and sits comfortably on the sofa, he forgets about it.

Everyone is looking now at Doyoung, mostly Jaehyun. He knows his boyfriend loves children: he is always waving at kids at the store who waves him, always playing ugly faces at kids at the subway. He loves talking about the two Japanese kids he used to teach at the library when he was just a teenager. Jaehyun knows Doyoung loves kids, and it shows. The moment he picks Ewan up, Doyoung faces lights up. HE talks a bunch of words to him with the cutest tone, and even if the baby doesn’t understand a single word, he smiles back.

Jaehyun chuckles softly, because is such a tender view.

He deserves to be loved with no limit out loud

He had never thought about having kids, at least not seriously, and he definitely doesn’t want them now, but he knew that if he was up to it, he was going to make Doyoung really happy, and he knew his boyfriend was going to be the best father in the world. He did not doubt that.

The evening goes calmly. Jaemin arrives late because he was stuck at work and Jeno couldn’t even make it because of his job too, but they send him a bunch of photos, so he doesn’t miss a thing. Doyoung asks for the pictures too, and Jaehyun melts. He is really the sweetest person ever. When everyone leaves, they start tidying up very quickly. The paper plates had its fun after all.

“I’m exhausted” Doyoung sighs, getting himself under the blanket

“Understandable baby, you spent the whole afternoon taking care of Jae, Soph even joked about hiring you as their sitter”

“Oh, are you jealous?” Doyoung teases

Not only verbally, because he gets dangerously close to Jaehyun

“Weren’t you exhausted?” Jaehyun asks, grabbing his ass at the same time to get him closer

“Yeah, but I miss you” Doyoung whispers against his neck

“I see, well, luckily for you, I am right here”

“I am so lucky indeed”

Doyoung smirks in the dark and straddles Jaehyun in a quick but small jump. He moans, loving it when the older one takes the initiative.  

“So, tell me, aren’t you jealous?”

“About you being a babysitter?” Jaehyun asks, teasing, and Doyoung hums a yes in response “Well not really, but it depends, what would you wear?”

“It depends on whom I’m going to sit for”

“Oh, you know you are always going to sit for me baby,” Jaehyun says as he grabs Doyoung by his waist and pulls him closer, both of them now sitting against the headboard

“Then, if it’s for you… I guess I won’t be needing this” Doyoung says, taking out his shirt

“Correct, and what about this?” Jaehyun says while playing with the elastic band of his boxers

“Well, it depends on… are you going to tip me after?”

“I think we passed the only the tip stage” Jaehyun teases

“Then show it to me”

Who got fire taste? Dominate

When she on that paper chase

Skip the drama, double dutch

Jaehyun kisses Doyoung with love and lust, closing whatever distance that is in between them and showing him truly how much he loves and cherishes him. He would forever show Doyoung what he felt, not always on the best terms, but he would always try.

-

Jaehyun feels ecstatic.

His record label told him that the album is getting more recognition, mostly in Seoul and Incheon, and some radio shows want to interview him. The one he feels more excited about is the BIBIM-POP one, because not only the two hosts, Kid Milli and Hwang So-yoon, are amazing artists, but he got to be in the episode with Dynamic Duo, a legendary musician duo that Jaehyun had been listening to for quite some time.

He asked Jeno, of course, to style him. But he ended up at Jeno and Jaemin’s apartment, shuffling between a hundred possible outfits. Renjun is on a videocall with Jaemin and Taeyong is on a videocall with Jeno. Doyoung had to go with Yuta to an investor's reunion that morning, but Jaemin had his iPad recording the whole thing. Jaehyun is even more nervous about the whole thing being so public, even if it’s just between his friends, but he feels pressured. Sure, Renjun's praises make him feel calmer and Jaemin's constant sexys makes him laugh, but when he looks at Jeno frowning for the hundredth time that minute, Jaehyun has a hard time swallowing.

They end up choosing a very formal outfit but with a personal touch. Jeno styles his hair back and threatens to cut it when the interview is over. Jaehyun agrees, the hair has been getting a bit uncomfortable at his nape, especially at moments like this when he is sweating like crazy. He feels like throwing up when tying his shoes, and when he is getting in the taxi too.

He can’t believe it, even when he is standing in the waiting room, minutes before the interview. He is standing next to Dynamic Duo, about to be interviewed by two famous artists. The interview's content is most likely alternative singers, so he guesses he doesn’t shift off too much out of the target.

The interview ends up being amazing as he gets to sing Flamin’ hot Lemon, which is one of his favorite songs, and he really has a good time. He really thinks about his unapologetic way of answering every question four or five seconds later, but the hosts don’t mention it, so he’s good to go. When it finishes, Jaehyun is shaking. He doesn’t know how that just happened but he did it.

They wrap everything up, of course, Jaehyun can’t say goodbye to them without praising endlessly their work and expressing his admiration for them. When he gets out of the room, the staff takes away his microphone and one of them asks for a photo with him. Jaehyun doesn’t know what to do, but he takes like five pictures with her, thanking her for supporting him. She tells him that he had listened to the album when it came out because her cousin works for the record label and he recommended it to her. Jaehyun feels overwhelmed and thankful. He makes a mental note to send a thank you email to the label.

At the door, Doyoung, Yuta, and Taeyong are waiting for him. Doyoung is carrying a flower bouquet, that matches his shining smile. Yuta is munching on some bread and Taeyong is just almost sleeping waiting inside the car. When they spot Jaehyun, Doyoung hands the flowers to Yuta and runs to him, squishing him in a tight embrace that almost chokes him out.

“Thank you, baby, thank you for coming here”

“Of course, you dumbass”

“Weren’t those flowers for me?” Jaehyun asks, glancing at the scenery in front of him

“Yeah, why? I didn’t want to squish them” Doyoung explains, not letting him go

“Because Yuta is giving them to Taeyong as-”

Doyoung breaks the embrace and turns, seeing how Yuta is indeed handing the flowers to Taeyong with a sweet smile. Doyoung scoffs and walks towards them, hitting Yuta in the head and grabbing the flowers, this time giving them to Jaehyun.

“Here, for you” Doyoung scoffs “I swear to god you can’t expect them to behave”

“You are completely right baby” Jaehyun says, kissing his forehead

They go inside Doyoung’s car, obviously both of them in the front seats, and Yuta and Taeyong in the backseats. They go to Yuta’s restaurant, even if is closed that day, Yuta opens the kitchen for them, and they all have a nice lunch there. It’s a very informal celebration, but Jaehyun craved moments like this. He will always crave them.

Jaemin and Jeno join them after eating, Jaemin prepares some coffee for everyone while Taeyong takes his cake out of the big industrial fridge. Jaehyun can clearly read the letters Taeyong wrote with white chocolate over the cake.

“Rockstar Jaehyun for the win?” Jaehyun reads them out loud, and Taeyong nodding proudly

“I wouldn’t exactly say that you are a rockstar” Jaemin says, serving the coffee in the mugs

“I wouldn’t either” Doyoung agrees “I think you can skip the star thing”

“A rock,” Jeno says, laughing when he realizes the teasing “I might agree on that”

They talk about Jaehyun and his album, playing it in the background really softly over and over again. They tease him that they are their only listeners, and Jaehyun laughs, acknowledging it. The meeting has to be wrapped up soon because they are busy people, with grown-up jobs.

Jaehyun spends his whole afternoon looking at his Spotify profile, smiling when the number gets higher by one unit. Doyoung decides to celebrate it and they order pizza. He knows Doyoung doesn’t really like ordering out, but Jaehyun loves pizza from a couple of take-outs, so he lets this one slide. They even eat on the couch while watching some reality show that Doyoung is really into. Jaehyun hates them but he is eating pizza on the couch, so he might as well watch some shitty thing. When they are about to finish their dinner, Doyoung gets a phone call. He answers lightly, and suddenly his tone gets happier. Hangs out, he turns quickly to Jaehyun.

“It was Mark, he wants me to take care of Ewan tomorrow”

“How is that?” Jaehyun asks, mouth full of dough and cheese and tomato

“Sophia is out of town because she is visiting his sister for a couple of days and Mark was supposed to be out of work but apparently they had a last-minute confirmation about a very important guest, so he has to attend, you know?” Doyoung rants “He told me he is going to drop by tomorrow around five, so I guess I will go to the restaurant tomorrow morning to do some office work rather than working with you at night, does that seem okay to you?”

“Yeah, no problem. I guess I will die of boredom while you have fun with Ewan”

“Jaehyun you cannot be jealous of a baby” Doyoung complains, laughing at him

“I am not”

Jaehyun finishes his pizza and gets the container into the trash. While he is getting some water, he looks at Doyoung, who is looking at him with disbelief in his eyes, and Jaehyun can’t help but smile.

The next day everything goes as planned. He greets Mark when he drops Ewan home and asks for a drive to the restaurant. Mark thanks him a hundred times until they get to The BAT, but Jaehyun tells him repeatedly that he has nothing to do with it, that Doyoung is the one changing the baby’s diaper. Mark shakes his head and drops Jaehyun off.

The whole evening and night go smoothly, and of course, when he gets home, Mark and Ewan are not there, so Doyoung sleeps profoundly on the couch. The house is neatly cleaned, and Jaehyun can’t understand how he has been taking care of a baby for the whole afternoon and still has the house this clean, but he guesses it’s just Doyoung. He picks him up softly and tries to move him to the bed, but he wakes up in the middle of it, stiffening his body quickly.

“Sorry baby but you were going to get a very bad back ache tomorrow morning”

“Mhhh” Doyoung mutters

He is not sleeping, but his body can’t follow Jaehyun’s actions, so he raises his arms to Jaehyun to pick him up again. Jaehyun does, letting Doyoung rest his face on his neck and tucking him in the bed as soon as he drops him off sweetly there. Jaehyun sleeps that night hugging Doyoung and smelling his clothes. They smell like baby cologne, soft and fresh, and Jaehyun thinks it suits his boyfriend perfectly.

-

By the end of July, they were already planning the celebrations for Jaemin and Mark’s birthday. It was very difficult to match their schedules and when they got together, they had to plan these things in advance.

“So,” Taeyong concluded, writing down in the group chat “Mark this Saturday, 20:30 at their countryside house. Everyone brings something to eat, at least something small, I know Jaehyun and Doyoung are going to come a bit later, no need to whine about it anymore” Taeyong cut them before they could start talking “And Jaemin, the other two Saturdays. This is going to be at Doyoung’s-”

“Hell no” Jaehyun complained “It’s our place”

“Who cooks?” Jungwoo teased “Who cleans?” Jaehyun couldn’t answer “Exactly”

“It’s going to be at their place” Taeyong corrected, trying to get the memo straight “Doyoung is going to cook something, and Jaehyun is making the drinks, adorable”

“Like not even joking dude” Mark facts, waving his hands “Jaehyun had been taking care of Jeno more time than I have been taking care of my son”

“And look how he pays me back” Jaehyun teases, pointing at Jaemin “Going out with my ex-coworker and moving in with him before consulting me”

“Don’t be like that Jaehyunnie” Jeno teases, going to hug him

“Whatever, I will also be cooking, so fuck y’all” Jaehyun defended himself

They will never get tired of teasing  Jaehyun, and years ago he would be tired of this, but now, is all that he can cherish. He melted watching his friends, watching Jaemin and Jungwoo bickering about whatever they could. He would always find comfort in Yuta and Taeyong sitting cozy with each other, and Doyoung sitting also by his side.

They agree on everything else about their birthdays and Jaehyun feels satisfied with it. It has been months already since Doyoung and Jaehyun have been living together and Jaehyun doesn’t feel pressured anymore about throwing parties with him. He knows they had such chemistry and, as expected, everything went well. On Mark’s birthday they all ignore him and take care of Sophia and Ewan. On Jaemin’s birthday they couldn’t do that because Sophia caught a cold and she couldn’t make it, so she stayed at home. Mark only came to have dinner, leaving right after. Everyone else took it as their cue to start drinking, and by 4 in the morning, they were more than drunk.

“Maybe it’s my time to have a baby” Jungwoo coos

“Jungwoo don’t be ridiculous” Taeyong snaps “You are literally the most unstable person I know”

“Excuse me?” Jungwoo wakes from his chair, visibly offended “What about Mr. Dandelion?”

Everyone laughs at the sudden name, referring to Jaehyun. Jeno is the one laughing harder, excusing himself to go to the bathroom because he would pee himself. Jaehyun scoffs at the name, shaking his head. They spend a couple more hours talking about stupid things they did in their early twenties, Jaemin, Doyoung, and Yuta are eager to listen to the anecdotes.

“I remember one time we were playing some truth or dare, and we dared Jeno to do a hundred pushups,” Jaehyun says, finishing his last drink “and the fucking kid literally stood up and did two hundred like if it was nothing”

“Why am I not surprised by that?” Doyoung states, laughing while cuddling with Jaehyun

“Don’t get me started on your realization of how you liked Doyoung”

“Oh, I want to hear that one” Yuta says, crossing his legs across the table

“Shut up Jeno-” Jaehyun stands to shut Jeno up, but Jaemin comes in between them like a soldier

“Let him talk Jaehyun, we all want to hear it”

“Sit down,” Doyoung asks Jaehyun, and after a few seconds, he remains seated

Jeno talks about his stupid realization about liking his friend when Jeno came to confess his feelings towards Jaemin, and how Jeno knew that Jaehyun was working his brain like crazy. Everyone coos at Jaehyun, telling him how cute he was and that they were happy for him. Jaehyun feels a bit ashamed, but he is smiling, remembering the days when he would spend all day with Doyoung, talking to him, working, texting… and none of them talked about it until months later.

They all decided to go to their homes after the party, except Jungwoo, who chose to sleep on the couch until he was less drunk, and Jhonny would come and pick him up. Jesus, he was not ready to see how his friend was going to start the lovebird mood all over again. At least this time he also had his love bird, and he wouldn’t be as crazy about it as he was when Jeno and Taeyong started seeing Jaemin and Yuta.

-

Jaehyun’s music income started to pick up slowly since the interview, but by the end of October, his label asked for another song. Jaehyun feels the pressure, of course, he does. He never did a song because someone asked him, and he doesn’t know if he likes it.

“But it’s only natural that they asked for another song you know?” Doyoung says to him while cleaning the counter before their shift “Like it has been a year since you dropped the album and it has been doing well, so why wouldn’t you drop another song? Haven’t you been writing, since forever?”

“It’s not like I don’t have anything in mind it’s just like-”

“Are you scared that it’s not going to do good?” Doyoung asks again, getting close to Jaehyun, who is preparing the glasses

“Maybe? And maybe like not even making it? Why if they hate it?”

“Why would they? Jaehyun, you make amazing music, you know that. At this point, you are going to be my first artist in the Spotify Wrapped”

“Don’t be silly, I know you only do that because you think I will be able to invite you to dinner more often” Jaehyun jokes

“Well, besides that” Doyoung continues the joke “You started working on it already, right?” Jaehyun nods, kind of feeling proud because Doyoung expected that from him and he did it “And what are your feelings?”

“It’s very different from the other songs”

Jaehyun finally admits.

He had been working on it for some months now, and the email that the label sent him, asking for another song, didn’t surprise him as much, because as Doyoung said, it was only natural. But the thing he had been writing recently was Doyoung.

That's my baby, that’s my sugar,

I don't need no honey on the side

That's unconditiona-nal

Yes, that was what he thought about Doyoung. Sue him.

But the whole vibe was very different, it was upbeat and cheerful. He was way more whipped than he expressed, at least to his friends, because he tried to treat Doyoung like the perfect human being he saw in him. And it was way different than with Seulgi, and way more different than anything he had ever felt like. He was one of a kind, and he thought that he deserved his unconditional love.

As a result, Jaehyun was happy. He had been happier and happier since he had known him, and since they had been taking such huge steps together, like working together, visiting his family, having trips with friends, living together,… He had been the happiest he had been in his whole life.

So how could he not write about it and express it through music?

He knew he needed to do that, and he was trying, but the outcome was very different from his previous works, but just because he was also a different person. Maybe it could be understandable like that, right?

“You can show it to me” Doyoung suggested, snapping Jaehyun out of his mindset “I know you only want me to listen to the final version, but you know how much I like it raw too” Doyoung winked at him

“Jesus Doyoung, don’t get me riled up if we are about to open this thing”

“Okay fair but I really like everything you do Jaehyun, I know it doesn’t seem like an honest and non-biased opinion but you know  I am a man with exquisite taste, especially with food and music, and trust me, you are an artist Jaehyun, don’t doubt yourself”

Doyoung told him that last thing as if it was the most normal thing to say to someone, to be an artist, but Jaehyun was anchored to the floor for a solid minute trying to process it. An artist? That was such a huge word for him. He knew some of his friends were artists.

Jeno was a model, and before him he had no interest in fashion whatsoever, but as he tried to indulge on his friends’ hobbies, he tried to give it a go, and after seeing Jeno modeling, he knew he was an artist. He enjoyed fashion like no one did, and even if he did not do catwalks, he didn’t need it to express a hundred things in just a picture. Also Renjun, which he knew through Jeno. He had been following both of his friends work for quite some time now and he knew for a fact that they were artists.

Jaemin, he thought, he was also an artist. He had so much potential since the beginning, he could see it since the first minute he had known him, behind a counter, but thankfully he pursued his dreams. He became a photographer, and he quickly became knowledgeable because of his art. He was an artist without a doubt.

Then he met Yuta, and even if it was some kind of alternative artist, he still was one. He knew his way perfectly around his own thing, and he was definitely someone that could express his feelings through a piece of bread, so yeah, Jaehyun would give him that.

He knew his friends worked hard to be where they were at the moment, and he had seen and taste his friends creations, so the word artist for him was a bit… unfitting. He didn’t think he would become an artist just because he wrote and composed. It had to be much more than it.

After that shift, Jaehyun tried to get some sleep because it had been an exhausting night, and doyoung was calmly sleeping right next to him, but he was restless. Maybe it was because it was almost winter and the sun came out really early in the morning and it was way colder. Maybe it was because the faucet of the shower was broken and there was a constant taping of the water that he could not muffle, even with the bathroom door closed. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t close his eyes without burden in his chest, so he didn’t sleep.

He went for a coffee and locked himself in the studio, trying to focus, but for some reason, Taeyong started texting him like crazy.

taeyongi

maybe you are going to think i am insane

fuck i don’t think you are going to even read this now

and i will probably delete it after a few minutes

but i am going crazy right now

i don’t know what to think

jaehyun

i am awake

so don’t delete the messages and tell me

are you okay??

taeyongi

fuck jaehyun

yes i am okay

i just

okay so the other night

yuta and i were watching some tv

and it was like something about japanese architecture

about the whole japanese metabolists

jaehyun

i have no idea

taeyongi

the whole architectural movement

about the megastructures

kisho kurokawa??

jaehyun

taeyong i literally have no idea

why are you telling me all of this?

taeyongi

well because we were watching it and yuta was all excited talking about japan

of course right

he asked me to go meet his parents

jaehyun

i did too to doyoung

taeyongi

i know i know

it's not that i am afraid of

i think yuta wants to move to tokyo

jaehyun

really? what makes you think that?

taeyong

imma call u

And before Jaehyun tries to type a clear “no, doyoung is still sleeping” he sees his screen changing into the calling interface. He sighs and rushes silently to the terrace, even though is freezing out there, he knows the talk might get intense and Doyoung would surely wake up if he heard him. Considering it was like seven in the morning, it was only the decent thing to do.

“Thank god you are awake,” Taeyong says hurriedly “Why are you awake?”

“To listen to you complaining” Jaehyun jokes “And because my shower is broken and the whole dripping water is making me go insane, I need to ask Jeno to fix it but he is in Manila”

“Well, I can go and look at it later if you want? But I can't promise anything”

“It's okay,” Jaehyun says, sitting in one of the chairs “I think he will be back in a few days so I will just wait”

“Whatever” Taeyong concludes “So as I was saying, I think Yuta wants to move. I think he misses his family too much, his friends, everything. I am afraid if we go visit he is not going to want to come back”

“Don’t be stupid Taeyong, he has a lot of things here. He has you, first of all, and even if you could go with him to visit, you have friends here, family, you have a job. And what the hell, he has a job too, he can’t just-”

“That’s the thing” Taeyong whispers, and Jaehyun knows he is biting his nails “I think he wants to drop The BAT”

“What?!” Jaehyun almost screams, lowering his voice instantly “What the fuck are you saying?”

“You know he had been in a bunch of meetings right?” Jaehyun hums, letting Taeyong continue “I think he wants to change CEOs; I sure think he wants to quit Jaehyun, I don’t know why, I feel it”

“Come on Taeyong, why would he do it?” Jaehyun laughs it off “I think we don’t give him enough credit just because he is our friend and you suck him once in a while-”

“He is my serious boyfriend, I think we have already talked about it. In fact, I have been dating him longer than you have been-”

“Whatever, so yeah, I think we don’t really measure how important he is Taeyong” Jaehyun explains himself, trying to compose his thoughts “Taeyong he is the most famous Japanese chef in Korea, like the reservations in the restaurants, are insanely long, we have tables reserved until the end of next year I don’t think you realize how famous he had been becoming the past years”

“No I know trust me, I know” Taeyong clarifies “That’s why I think he wants to quit. Well, at least quit here. Don’t judge me, but I might have opened his mail”

“Weird source for stalking but still valid”

“But just because we share a computer at home and the notification just popped. He is opening a restaurant in Japan Jaehyun, I think he wants to move there to work in the new restaurant”

“Jesus Taeyong, but hasn’t he talked to you about this? Because it’s such a big decision to make on his own”

“He told me he had been wanting to expand to other Asia countries, and that he had always dreamed of having his own thing in Japan… I don’t know! I guess he gave me all of these hints and now I don’t know what to think”

“First of all ask him if all of your crazy theories are true, and then think about what you want to do”

“You sound like Mark, such an obvious response” Taeyong complains “I don’t know what to do because I think I am willing to move there. I think I want to”

Jaehyun doesn’t know what to say anymore. He tries to recall anything that could help him understand the situation, any piece that he can hang onto. Nothing comes to his mind.

“Are you there?”

“Yes, I am. I just don’t know what to say Taeyong”

“What do you think? About the possibility of me moving?”

“Of you both guys moving to Tokyo? I think it’s crazy”

“Crazy good or-”

“Just crazy Taeyong. Do you even know Japanese?”

“A bit”

“Besides I love you”

“A bit less” Taeyong admits, making Jaehyun laugh out his nervousness “But I want to learn”

“Don’t have much chance if you are going to live there…. Fuck Taeyong” Jaehyun whines as his head starts to hurt from all the understanding he is trying to do “Please talk to him first, and then tell me if it's true”

“Okay, I will. Thank you Jaehyun”

“Now I think I’m tired enough to go to sleep, so thanks to you Taeyong”

“Good morning?” Taeyong tries to cheer him up

“Good morning, see you”

Jaehyun hangs before the older can say anything more. Moving to Japan? Why? Was he really going to open another restaurant there? And who will work in the new one? Would Doyoung be the new cook? Were they going to hire new people? Taeyong was going to move to another fucking country?

Definitely, Jaehyun had a lot to think about it, but thankfully Taeyong had to talk to Yuta first and confirm everything that he just dumped on his shoulders. Jaehyun entered the living room and lay on the couch, covering himself with the red blanket and falling asleep instantly.

When he wakes up it's almost noon, the sun coming through the kitchen windows and hall, hitting his face slightly. He loved the autumn sun. He unlocked his phone to see what hour it was and saw a couple of texts from Doyoung from just ten minutes ago, telling him he had gone down to buy some bread and orange juice. The other text was from Taeyong.

taeyongi

i talked to yuta

we are moving

this is a very dramatic suspense but

i will pass by the bar later and explain it better

Jaehyun feels his mouth dry. He cant understand how quickly Taeyong had solved his doubts. He knew he was the usual I want it I got it guy, but to what extent? He felt like hyperventilating, so he got up, looking for his glasses to try and feel less dizzy. He heard the door opening and the burning feeling in his chest became bigger.

“Good morning baby” Doyoung says to him as he sees him, standing in the living room “You have crazy hair”

“Taeyong and Yuta are moving to Japan”

“I know” Doyoung says after a few seconds

“What do you mean by I know?” Jaehyun asks, not quite believing what he is hearing

“I have been wanting to talk to you about it for some time but nothing was getting close and-”

“Since when did you know?”

“Since last year” Doyoung admits, Jaehyun opening his eyes in disbelief

And then he remembers. Yuta’s speech.

“Sometimes, projects mark chapters in our lives, and as one chapter closes, we look forward to the next. I've been reflecting a lot on what’s next for me. It’s not an easy decision, but... every great journey needs a moment to step back and let others shine. But for now, let’s not focus on goodbyes. Let’s celebrate what we've created here, together”

Jesus fucking Christ.

“So you guys have been planning to open another restaurant, investing so much money, he even wants to move to Japan and you haven’t told any of us anything?”

“But just because nothing was really finished, we wanted to-”

“Do you think you are better than me Doyoung?” Jaehyun doesn’t know where this is coming from, he just feels so angry

“What?” He says as he drops the bags in the floor, walking towards him “Why do you say that?”

“You guys were talking behind our backs this long? Talking about our future? Not only yours or Yuta’s, but Taeyong’s and mine? Did you forget about the whole being together? Doyoung we fucking live together!”

“I know, please let me explain. I know that you are angry and I can get why but-”

“No you listen to me. You can’t choose for me, Yuta can’t choose for Taeyong. You guys can’t make decisions for yourselves, we told each other we were going to make big decisions together for fucks sake” Jaehyun spats continuedly “This is not a shared decision, well, yes, my bad, it is shared between you and Yuta. Well you can move to Japan with Yuta if that’s what you want, I will gladly stay here with Taeyong, you guys don’t need to worry about us”

“Okay enough” Doyoung cuts him “I know you are just saying this because you are mad. I know I should have told you something before, but I don’t deserve half of the things you are saying. You are thirty-one years old Jaehyun, you can’t just go on behaving like this when something gets in your way, so if you don’t mind, I am going to prepare some breakfast, you can do whatever you want to do, and when you are calmed down, we can talk”

Jaehyun can’t explain how much his blood is boiling, so he just storms off to the studio room and shuts the door. Jaehyun knows he was being ironic; he knows it and he hates how much control he lost a few minutes ago because he doesn’t actually believe everything he said. But he did feel inferior towards Doyoung, because why on earth was, he making decisions for him? Did he ever make some decision for him? No, right? then why was he doing it? Him and Yuta? For Taeyong and him? Like if they were kids?

He couldn’t understand. The fact that they had more money than them and had ‘more important’ jobs didn’t mean that they could just choose over their future like that. Taeyong’s family was here, their friends were here, they lived here for fucks sake. And why did Taeyong want to move there? Was he crazy? He definitely wasn’t calming down in the room, so he got out, changed into clothes that wasn’t his pajamas and went out.

“Where are you going?” He heard Doyoung asking, but he didn’t want to answer “Whatever, I’ll see you at work”

Jaehyun sighs, walking quickly down the stairs. At first he didn’t know where he was going, but as soon as he walked a couple streets, he knew where he had to go.

jaehyun

are you home?

markli

yes why

jaehyun

is sophia there too?

markli

yes why

jaehyun

im coming over

markli

okay dude

can you bring toothpaste

jaehyun

k

be there in ten

markli

and rice

i ran out this morning

jaehyun

okay

something more?

does sophia or ewan want something?

markli

sophia says shes good

ewan just asks for mama so

jaehyun

understandable

then ill see u

Jaehyun rushes to Mark and Sophia’s flat, near his house because it’s also in the center. He buys what Mark asked for, a plushie for Ewan and some scented candles to give to Sophia. As soon as he opens the door, he already feels calmer. Sort of really, because their house looks a bit of a mess and he can hear Mark counting to ten. He knows Ewan mustn’t be eating his food.

“I wouldn’t be eating your vegetable soup” Jaehyun says as soon as he spots Mark trying to feed Ewan in the kitchen “It looks like pasta water”

“Thanks, Jaehyun, that is very helpful”

“Add sriracha or something like that” he adds

“He is one year old Jaehyun” Sophia explains from behind, entering the kitchen “and I would like him to live longer than that”

“Fair point” Jaehyun admits and sits in the kitchen, next to Ewan “Hi hi Ewan, you look so big”

Ewan laughs at Jaehyun’s silly face, and Mark takes it as his opportunity to insert the plastic spoon into his mouth. Ewan doesn’t seem to like it but as he is still looking at Jaehyun, he swallows it distractedly.

“Baby can you make some rice, he is not going to finish the soup,” Mark says, trying to feed him more

“Of course” Sophia answers, getting her hands on the rice Jaehyun placed on the counter “Aw, thank you for the candles too, I literally just lit the last ones”

Jaehyun just smiles, getting quickly back at Ewan, getting his cheeks in between his fingers.

“God he is so cute” Jaehyun admits “I don’t know where he picked up the face from”

“Get him out or I will punch him,” Mark asks Sophia “Why are you here anyways?”

“I had a fight with Doyoung” he doesn’t know how to say the next words “I think he wants us to move to Japan”

“What?! Why?!” Sophia says, the rice filling the cup she was grabbing “Did he tell you that?”

“Not really but-” before Jaehyun continues, Mark shakes his head “Listen, Yuta and Taeyong are already moving”

“What? What the fuck dude?” Mark swears in English, Sophia hitting him softly on the shoulder

“Don’t curse in front of him!”

“He doesn’t even know English baby”

“Babies are smarter than you think,” Sophia says, getting back to the rice cooking

Jaehyun doesn’t give him a second to melt over their domestic fluff, because he needs to explain what happened. He starts by showing the texts to them, and Ewan is looking at the phone as if he is understanding too what is happening. Then he explains the phone call and the last text from Taeyong. When he finishes telling the story, Sophia is placing the cooked rice in front of Ewan in a small plastic bowl, and in front of Mark and Jaehyun with a fried egg and some kimchi on the side.

Jaehyun munches and nods at the questions that Mark and Sohpia throw at them, feeling rather helpless because he can't even answer fifty percent of them. They ask the same questions that Jaehyun had been asking himself for the past hour. At least he feels heard. He says goodbye to them, especially to Ewan, and Sophia offers him a lift to his work. Jaehyun wants to say no but he knows she is going to be insisting, so he accepts.

“Try and talk things with him, I know it’s cliché but it’s going to be way easier, not for you, but for everyone” Sophia says, making a highly illegal turn which has Jaehyun holding tightly onto the grab handle “I think the reason of why you are mad is the same one as Taeyong because you wouldn’t also mind moving there but you are also scared about not being scared of leaving, I don’t know if I am making sense”

Jaehyun loves Sophia, he truly does. He hasn’t met anyone like her, and he thanks god every day for having her as a friend.

“Well, I know I am making sense, but I’m going to be more clear…” He stops on a red sign, but Jaehyun doesn’t let go of the handle “You would follow Doyoung to the end of the world, and that clashes with your independence, which you thought you had it all solved but you don’t, and now you realized that you would follow your boyfriend to Japan even if you don’t know Japanese, you wouldn’t have a job there and you would be far away from your friends and further from your parents”

And she is spot on. Jaehyun thought that, after Seulgi, he would always be the number one in his life. He had to prioritize himself because he was losing himself over stupid things. And he had come such a long way since that moment, but then why does he feel like it’s the correct thing to do? And why does he feel like he is being a stupid prick in love which will follow Doyoung where he says so? Doesn’t he have dreams? Achievements? Does he think they are worthless than Doyoung’s and that’s why he thought his boyfriend had the same idea?

“Maybe you are right” Jaehyun mutters, sighing as he sees the restaurant “I will talk to him”

“I know you both will, you know? I actually admire you both” Jaehyun lets out a chuckle, which seems to offend Sophia “What the fuck do you laugh at? It’s true”

“And why is that?”

“First of all, you guys are the cutest couple ever, don’t ever tell that to Jaemin or he will cancel our Sunday brunches. And you guys work together, barely fight, you both had such amazing, interesting lives before meeting each other and you both blended with the other in such a wonderful way, I don’t know” Sophia parks in front of the restaurant “Sometimes I feel like we had Ewan because something was missing from our lives” she confesses quietly

“Wait, don’t say that”

“But it’s true” she cries softly, turning around for him and looking for a paper “We of course talked about having a baby, but I think it is because we felt like something was missing in our lives. I highly recommend taking care of a newborn as a hobby, but just because you have to drop everything else you know” she snorts, trying to lighten the mood

“I think Mark and you are so fucking brave and so fucking able to do whatever you want to do you’re your lives, and I don’t know it but I guess having a baby is quite challenging, and I know for a fact that you are the ones that had to go first because you guys are just, you” Jaehyun tries to comfort her “So please, don’t even think about downsizing your or Mark’s efforts because you guys are doing a terrific work, okay?”

Sophia nods shyly and tries to dry her eyes. They share an awkward goodbye and before Jaehyun enters the bar, he turns and waves Sophia off. When he is going down the stairs, his phone chimes.

soph

thank you for listening

sorry for the hormones

i haven’t cried in weeks and i needed it

jaehyun

its okay soph

invite me next brunch and we can talk over this

soph

done deal

and thank you for the bear plushie

even if he cant talk yet i know you are ewans favourite uncle

jaehyun

you are just saying this because i almost cried too

soph

i mean it and you know it

jaehyun

thank you

i hope i can see u before i move to japan

soph

lmao dramatic

talk to him

or i will

jaehyun

yes mom

Jaehyun wishes Sophia continued answering but just because he didn’t want to face the situation. But she doesn’t, and he guesses it’s because she started driving back, so he faces it. He goes to the changing rooms and sees Doyoung there, fixing his hair in the small bathroom, and the door open. He coughs softly, but he sees in the reflection of the mirror that Doyoung noticed him, so he lets himself get closer and hug him, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“I am sorry” he starts “For jumping to conclusions I don’t believe in and for talking to you in such a way, I am really sorry”

“It’s okay baby,” Doyoung says as he turns and hugs him back “I know I deserved some of it, not the whole thing” he tries to joke “I should have talked to you sooner”

“Yes you should”

“But let me explain it later, everything”

“Well we can talk about it now” Taeyong says, startling both of them, breaking their hug

Taeyong and Yuta are under the door frame staring at them. Taeyong is looking lovingly, and Yuta is looking guilty. Well, Jaehyun thinks he deserves to feel guilty for a second. They agree on talking about everything, so the chef and his partner in crime can explain themselves.

“I never tried to choose for you” he starts saying “For any of you, I can promise that. I have been talking with Doyoung for a while and I have been feeling a little left out, not because of anything in particular, I just needed to come back to Japan. I thought that maybe if I worked on a more Japanese menu, I would get rid of the nostalgic feeling, but it worsened. Then we talked about the possibility of opening another restaurant in Tokyo”

Jaehyun and Taeyong stiffen their bodies as they hear the city name as if they were waiting for something. It looks like lecturing because Yuta and Doyoung are sitting together on one side of the booth and Jaehyun and Taeyong are in front of their respective boyfriends. It really looks like they are filing for a divorce or asking for shared custody. Luckily for all of them, is nothing like that.

“We started looking for places and personnel to open a restaurant there, and we realized that it was going to be easier than we thought. We talked with a lot of investors, but nothing suited us as well as spending our own money. I know it’s hard, but I don’t want to pay debts, not when discussing our dreams. I wanted us to be able to make it. We also have been looking for staff to work here, and that is also solved, but just because Doyoung and I want to work in the new BAT, in Tokyo”

“I know it sounds condescending, the whole talk and explaining it months after but I swear it is the last thing we want to show. I guess we didn’t say anything until it was a sure deal because we were also scared”

“I really want to try it, and I want to do it with you guys as much as I want to do it with Doyoung” Yuta explains, extending his hands across the table “Of course Jaehyun you could work there, the same thing that you are doing now”

“I don’t think I want to keep working as that” Jaehyun says, honestly, because if they were being honest, they were going to be talking about a lot of things

“And what do you want?”

“I don’t know, something that lets me work from home, or at least most times. I can ask Jungwoo to take over the new account and manage the social media, customer service, and reservations, inventory management and supplier communication, payroll, and staff scheduling…”

“So a mix of everything” Doyoung breaks it down

“Yeah, but I don’t want to keep on being a waiter, I want to work part-time. I know it’s risky and maybe it wasn’t what you thought of”

“But I will gladly accept it” Yuta says, nodding

“And me?” Taeyong suddenly asks “Am I supposed to drop everything I have been working my fucking ass for the last years? Why the fuck did I do my PhD for if not for keep on teaching here?”

“But you can teach there” Yuta explained “Maybe not in a university because you still don’t know Japanese, but I think you could work at my father’s high school until you learn Japanese and then move to the university”

Taeyong looks like he hadn’t considered it before, because he hums silently and nods, like letting the thought sink in.

“When are you guys planning on opening it?” Jaehyun has to ask

“To open it by next year, around June” Yuta says “We won’t be doing the training thing but we want to do a grand opening with week events”

It’s soon. It’s too soon.

“I know,” Doyoung says, grabbing Jaehyun’s hand across the table “I still think Yuta and I would have to go earlier”

“Around March” Yuta continues “But I think it’s best for us if we go a bit before and try and make it as easier as possible, the whole housing in Japan is crazy right now, especially with foreigners, so I think a lot of things are going to be easier if we handle them”

“June is still soon,” Taeyong says this time, calmer “I don’t know how to feel honestly, it’s so exciting and I am so proud of you both, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know”

“I don’t expect you guys to follow us blindly, we have a plan, we promise” his boyfriend explains “And maybe it’s not forever, maybe we can come back in a few years. I am sorry that we can’t assure stability on this one”

“I mean I get it; I just didn’t think in a hundred years that I would be moving to Japan because my boyfriend and his best friends are opening yet another restaurant there” Jaehyun simply puts “And I think I still have a lot of things to do here”

“Same” Taeyong agrees, side-hugging him

It’s bittersweet, of course it is. It’s not like they asked them to follow them to the end of the world, but Jaehyun doesn’t want to leave Doyoung, and if they have to move to another country to pursue his boyfriend’s dream, he is going to make it.

-

Jaehyun starts rushing his life at a dangerous speed. He takes his vacations on Christmas and spends it with his parents by himself, while he explains the whole situation to them. They look way more excited than him, but it’s because he had never been happier even if Jaehyun is terrified. He was terrified of leaving his home, his house, his friends, his ground. But Doyoung was above that, and he knew that his home, house, friends and ground was going to be wherever Doyoung was. That was final.

Around January, Jaehyun starts feeling the pressure of actually leaving when he has to make arrangements for his current living situation. He doesn’t want to say goodbye to his flat, to his apartment, so he decides that he is not going to give it up. Luckily, he has enough money saved up to keep on paying rent, and he knows that he is going to come to Korea very frequently, so he is going to need a place to stay. It is his place, after all.

Everything seemed like an infinite bucket list, the whole visa, the Japanese classes, the last minutes arrangements.

I've been falling since the day I made him mine

He tries to wrap his head around it, and he tries not to focus on it too much. The calendar in their kitchen has a huge countdown on it, and it becomes even more real when Doyoung has to leave at the end of February. He didn’t want to make a goodbye party because he told everyone that he was going to come regularly, but of course, his friends prepared a huge party for Yuta and him.

To be honest he drank a bit too much but just because he didn’t know how to feel. It wasn’t the last nothing, it wasn’t the last time he was going to see their friends together, it wasn’t going to be the last party at their house, it wasn’t going the last time he was going to be this fine, he knew that, but it scared him that it could be a possibility. Deep down he knew it wasn’t, but he didn’t want to risk it. He didn’t want to be aware of it happening.

“I am going to miss this” Doyoung says, side hugging Renjun on the couch “Please come to visit every once in a while, especially you guys” he says, looking at Jeno and Renjun “You guys can go wherever you want and still slay”

“Those are some facts” Jaemin nods “But we really want to be there for the opening”

“Of course, do you have an invitation?” Yuta teases

“Jesus Taeyong, I don’t know how you do it” Jungwoo scoffs

“He doesn’t, I’m afraid he is taking this opportunity to finally leave me” Yuta jokes again

“That would be a good thing but I really need your cash babe, so don’t you think about it”

Jaehyun hears his friends talking, but he is too occupied munching on his own nails to comment something about it. The next day Jaehyun woke up anxious. And it didn’t help that Doyoung’s flight was a late one because he was going to be restless. They spent all day together, organizing everything about the trip, going over the last-minute details, and cooking something at the house. Jaehyun was terrified of leaving the house, but it was only time. Jaehyun drove Yuta, Taeyong, and Doyoung there, and it didn’t surprise him at all that at the same airport parking, his closest friends were there. Jaemin was holding Ewan, Mark and Sophia watching him just in case,  Jeno already waving them like crazy and Jungwoo texting someone. Doyoung’s friends, Daejún and Donhyuck, are also there.

When they got out of the car, no one was really surprised that they were there, and they saw each other just last night, but it was still emotional. Doyoung was tearing up now, and Jaehyun felt like crying too, but he didn’t. They all went to the security gate, Jaehyun holding his hand hard, especially when people came and asked for a picture with Yuta. It was still crazy how they normalized how famous his friend was, at least, in the culinary niche. The moment of truth came, and they needed to say goodbye for real. Only for a few months, but it was a real goodbye.

“I am not going to say I will miss you because you already know that,” Doyoung says as soon as they are hugging  “But I am going to say that you are the person I loved most in my life, and nothing is going to change that, not even flying away some kilometers for a few weeks” Jaehyun is now tearing up and he nods while Doyoung keeps on talking “I want to give you something”

Jaehyun breaks the embrace slightly only for Doyoung to take something out of his wallet. It’s a ring, a small and thin silver one “This is not what you think it is, sorry to break it to you like this” Doyoung smiles as he keeps on talking “But it’s something I want you to have and wear if you want, so you will always have me until we can see each other again. Hold onto that Jaehyun, it’s a promise”

“I love you” Jaehyun manages to say “I love you very fucking much Doyoung”

“Me too baby. I love you Jaehyun”

They don’t really need to say much to each other, so they just hug tightly until Yuta taps Doyoung in the arm, and they both wipe their tears away, give each other a kiss and wave goodbye. Jaehyun stays there until he can’t see Yuta and Doyoung anymore, only at that moment he turns around and he sees that Taeyong is crying as much as he is. They both have a warm silent trip back to their house, and Jaehyun decides to sleep at  Taeyong’s but just because he doesn’t want to face their empty apartment just yet.

He does next morning, and the morning light helps because it doesn’t feel so cold. It’s emptier and quieter because Doyoung is not singing or rushing through the house folding shirts and talking on the phone with his friends, but it doesn’t feel as bad. Jaehyun gives in a deep breath. He is going to be facing this in the next weeks, but he is ready. He didn’t know he was going to be, but he is.

And they are not as bad, because Jaehyun is better. The next weeks go smoothly, preparing everything for the whole moving there. Every week he sends a package to their address in Japan full of clothes and some personal items. He texts Doyoung every day, and every day Doyoung shows him how pretty their new house is. Is very far away from the center, but it’s also very near to Yuta’s one, so that’s a plus. The commuting to work is crazy and the traffic is insane, but at least people don’t honk as much and it's way more peaceful. Jaehyun is excited, way too excited for his own good as Doyoung tells him smiling how happy he is and that he is counting the days to see him again.

And Jaehyun is dying to see him again, he is equally as happy as excited, because he is going to propose to him.

He knows it’s rushed; he knows it. They haven’t been living together for a year, they haven’t been together for five years at least, and they still have to learn so much about each other. Yes, Jaehyun knows that all of that is true, but he also doesn’t care. He knows he is going to die by his side, so he thinks that better sooner than later to let him know, right?

I'm rocking through the stages 'til we're old and gray

Ain't afraid to say it loud

So, as he is going to propose, he spends his free time looking for rings, as if it were the most normal thing to do. He knows what he wants, and he can’t find it, but he still has time, so he doesn’t rush it. He goes to work, he writes, he sees his friends. Everything goes great.

One month before leaving, he finds the perfect ring.

He thought he wasn’t a ring person until Doyoung gave one to him, and he hadn’t taken it out once since he left. He loved how it looked on his fingers, he loved the feeling around it, the whole meaning behind it that only he and his boyfriend knew about. He was starting to get into jewelry as much as Doyoung was, and that’s why he knew it was the perfect ring when he saw it.

Jaehyun walked into the small boutique, the one that he had passed by countless times on his way home, its unassuming exterior blending seamlessly into the fabric of the city. But today, something about the way the light caught the window display made him stop. Inside, the soft glow of warm lights reflected off delicate pieces, each nestled within velvet-lined cases. He hesitated for a moment before pushing open the door, a faint chime announcing his arrival.

The shopkeeper, an older woman with a kind smile and sharp eyes, greeted him.

“Looking for something special?” she asked, her voice calm and inviting. Jaehyun wanted to shake his head because he wasn’t sure, but he nodded without thinking twice, his heart thudding slightly faster than usual.

This wasn’t just a piece of jewelry. This was the ring. The one that would carry the weight of his unspoken promises, of forever.

He of course didn’t tell his friends about it, what if Doyoung didn’t want to marry him? What if Doyoung hated weddings? Before he could drift off, the woman led him through the store, but Jaehyun's thoughts raced either way.

He pictured Doyoung’s hands—slender, expressive, always moving with such purpose. He thought about the way those hands had held his during his most vulnerable moments, steadying him when his own confidence wavered. The ring had to match that strength, that gentleness. It had to be perfect.

The shopkeeper showed him a series of rings: gold bands with intricate carvings, platinum ones adorned with diamonds, each beautiful in its own right. Yet, none of them felt like Doyoung. Jaehyun frowned slightly, running a hand through his hair. The woman seemed to notice his indecision and paused thoughtfully.

“Tell me about her,” she said, tilting her head.

“It’s a him” Jaehyun said without malice

“Then tell me about him, what makes him smile?”

“Tell me about him,” she said, tilting her head. “What makes him smile?”

Jaehyun paused, a small smile starting at the corners of his lips as he thought about Doyoung.

“A lot of things,” he began softly, his voice carrying the warmth of someone speaking about the person they love most “He smiles when he’s surrounded by the people he cares about. He has this way of lighting up when he hears a song he loves, especially if it’s something unexpected” he chuckled, a faint blush creeping up his neck as he continued “He loves the little things, like finding the perfect tea at the end of a long day or catching the sunset when the sky turns orange and purple. And there’s this thing he does… when he laughs really hard, his smile gets so wide it almost makes his eyes disappear” Jaehyun wanted to tell her that Doyoung also looked like a crazy rabbit when he was mad, but he thought that she didn’t needed to hear it.

The shopkeeper watched him, her expression softening with each word. “He sounds extraordinary,” she said, a touch of admiration in her voice. Jaehyun knows it is what she is supposed to say, but he still smiles because he is glad he can transmit how amazing Doyoung is.

“He is,” Jaehyun replied simply, his voice unwavering. “He’s thoughtful and kind, and he always finds beauty in the world, even when I struggle to. I want the ring to remind him of that. Of how special he is”

Jaehyun’s face softened. He told her about Doyoung’s love for simplicity, his quiet elegance, the way he could light up a room with his laughter without ever demanding attention. The woman listened intently, her eyes lighting up as she reached for a small black box tucked away at the back of a drawer.

Inside was a modest ring: a thin platinum band with a single oval-cut diamond set low into the metal. The diamond wasn’t large, but it sparkled in the light with an understated brilliance. Its simplicity was striking, and yet it held a quiet sophistication, much like Doyoung himself.

“That’s the one” he murmured

As Jaehyun left the store, the small box tucked securely in his coat pocket, he felt a profound sense of certainty. The ring was perfect—not because of its beauty, though it was exquisite, but because it was his reflection of Doyoung. It symbolized everything Jaehyun admired, everything he loved, and everything he wanted to promise. Now all that was left was to find the right moment to ask the question that had been in his heart for so long.

And now the wait was excruciating. He sometimes sat on their couch, staring at the velvety box. It was burning his eyes, but he couldn’t look away. It was the first thing Jaehyun packed in his backpack. Thankfully, since Doyoung was already there he didn’t need to pack so much as he had been sending packages, so he only booked a cabin suitcase and his own backpack.

He had his goodbye party, and it was as warm as he thought. Except for the fact that Jeno was on the verge of bawling his eyes out, everything was sweet and comfortable. Everything was home. Ironic enough because in less than ten hours he was going to move out of that very house for a very long time, but it was okay.  

“Do you have photos of your house?” Jungwoo asked curiously

“Yeah, but I want you to see it in person, so I will be patiently waiting for your arrival”

“You haven’t left and are already asking us to visit you?” Jaemin mockingly asks

“What can I say guys, I am really going to miss you, like very fucking much” Jaehyun says with love, he doesn’t want to get emotional but he can’t help it

“At least you guys are going together” Mark intervenes “and Doyoung told me you guys are going to live really close right?”

“It looks like,” Taeyong says, side-hugging Jaehyun “I am really excited guys, I know I was a bit skeptical at the beginning of it, but now I am really excited”

“Fuck I am going to miss you so much” Jeno cries out, breaking the whole friendly vibes

It was enough for all of them to start crying, hugging Jeno, then Jaehyun, then Jungwoo, and repeating the hugging cycle over and over again. He steps back and tries to clear his tears, but he feels so loved, so cherished. Somehow, he is not that afraid anymore to leave them because they are always going to be there.

They drove him to the airport, and the waving-off was expected. They didn’t cry, and Jaehyun guessed that no one had more tears left to spill, but he doesn’t remove his sunglasses, just in case. They did the whole check-in thing, dropped off their suitcases and sat down in the gate as soon as they cleared the security gates. Now the velvet box wasn’t in his backpack anymore, it was in his right pocket, almost burning his skin through the cotton material.

“Are you okay Jaehyunnie?” Taeyong asks as soon as he comes back of picking up their coffee “You look like you are about to puke”

“I’m okay, I just, I don’t know, I think I am allowed to be nervous Taeyong” he defends himself, coming out more seriously than he would like to admit

“Of course, it’s just you look even sick, do you maybe want to switch your coffee to some water?”

“Can I tell you something?” Jaehyun turns to his right, locking his gaze with his best friend “But you have to promise we cant’t talk about it until it’s done”

“If it’s something stupid I don’t want to know it if I can’t intervene”

“It’s nothing stupid” Jaehyun clears “But you have to promise me you are going to stay shut until I do it”

“Okay, I promise”

“I am going to propose to Doyoung as soon as I see him” Jaehyun takes out the box out of his pocket

“Oh my fucking god Jaehyun!” Taeyong screams, calling for everyone’s attention “What the fuck?!”

“Now please let me, I need to stretch my legs”

Jaehyun knows he’s literally running away from the situation because even if Taeyong promised it, he knows he isn’t going to be able to ask a hundred questions and Jaehyun is not sure if he is going to be able to answer them.

Why? Because he loves him.

Why so soon? Because he loves him.

Since when he has been thinking about it? Not as long as he should have

What are you going to do if he says no? He doesn’t want to think about that.

What are you going to say to him as you propose?

Fuck.

He is supposed to say something.

Jaehyun runs back, but as he sees Taeyong waving excitedly, he runs back again. He needs to think. He sits in the opposite gate, threatening his friend with his eyes not to come near him. Taeyong looks confused.

jaehyun

i need to prepare a speech

taeyongi

okay

do you need help?

please say yes

jaehyun

absolutely yes

but at the same time no

i need to do this on my own

taeyongi

okay fair

but send me the draft for when i propose to yuta

jaehyun

you jealous bitch

taeyongi

what??? can’t a man dream?

jaehyun

lemme focus

i can’t write anything if you are looking at me like that

Jaehyun exits the chat, smiling at Taeyong who is looking at him like a crazy person, but that only encourages him. It was true that Mark and Sophia had broken the whole having a child milestone, which was crazy, but he did want to have this.

He scrolls through his gallery, looking at pictures of them, trying to get some inspiration for what to write.

That's my baby, that’s my sugar

I don't need no honey on the side

Okay, whatever, but not that.

Doyoung took out his cheesiest self and he couldn’t comprehend behind that. He can’t think properly, and it’s absurd, but it was the reality. He started to think about everything that he had lived with him when the calling to the gate alarmed him. Taeyong is waving him and directing him to go to the line, and Jaehyun rolls his eyes because he has a seat and no one is going to steal it, but Taeyong loved queueing and the whole being polite, so he goes with him. They don’t talk about him, he tries to talk about his friend because even if moving to Japan is a huge deal, Taeyong is living the same story, so he tries to comfort him as much as he can.

Jaehyun thinks about writing the speech on the plane, and he is really convinced he is going to do it, but suddenly the hours pass at an alarming speed. Before he realizes, they are already landing in Tokyo, Jaehyun looks at his notes, only PROPOSAL SPEECH ? IDK title is hanging around there, continued by some Since the moment I met you… Jaehyun's heart races, but he can’t panic over this. He can’t back down because he doesn’t know what to say.

He wonders what would happen if Doyoung proposed to Jaehyun without a speech, and Jaehyun only thinks about how he would jump over him and not let him talk. Maybe Doyoung would do the same, and he wouldn’t need to think about anything else.

But this fake confidence starts to fade the moment they get out of the long airport halls and Doyoung and Yuta are behind the security doors. Jaehyun can’t think of anything, and he grips the box with his hand so hard he has to stop himself because he thinks he is going to smash it. Taeyong looks at him and he is sure he can see how sweaty he suddenly is, even if the dry air from the airport is making everyone shiver. Jaehyun gulps, and gulps again, almost with every step, and as he gets closer to them, he feels his knees weaken. Maybe he can’t do it, maybe he doesn’t need to do it right now, but as they cross the gates and Yuta and his boyfriend are already smiling from ear to ear, walking towards them, Jaehyun gets on one knee.

He thinks it’s because really his knees are not working, but also because he needs to do it.

“I literally don’t have anything prepared except for the ring, but I can’t wait to do this Doyoung, I can’t wait to be with you. This is always something I thought I would have trouble doing, the whole getting married to someone, but just because I never belonged to someone as much as I belong to you” Jaehyun is rushing his words, but he is looking at Doyoung, and he knows he is listening every word he is saying “I didn’t know we were going to end up like this since the moment I met you, basically because I wasn’t looking for it, but I found you. I found you, your humbleness, your voice, your life, and thankfully you let me discover it whole. I know, trust me I know this is rushed, I know it because I think everyone from this airport can hear how fast my heart is beating right now, but also, I know it’s meant to be. Doyoung I love you, unconditionally, and I will always do. I will always love you, no matter what, when, how, or why, I will always love you and I want to be with you, so if you let me” Jaehyun takes this awaited pause to open the box “I want to ask you not just to be a part of my life but to be my life. Kim Doyoung, will you do me the greatest honor of being my partner, my best friend, and the love of my life, forever?”

He didn’t even finish saying the last word when Doyoung was softly nodding in front of him, crying silently. Jaehyun is a bit in shock because he wants to hear a clear answer, so he stays there, frozen in the position. Doyoung keeps on nodding until he whispers a tiny yes, getting closer to him, so he takes it as his queue to jump over him and hug him tightly, feeling how much he was crying and him joining instantly. He can hear Taeyong crying on the side too, and he can’t see him, but he is sure Yuta is tearing up too.

He wants to cherish this moment, and he doesn’t want to let Doyoung go, but he starts getting worried about the safety of his boyfrie- his fiancée’s breathing.

His fiancée.

Jaehyun steps back to see Doyoung. He cups his face in his hands, he loves doing it, and he kisses his face countless times.

“I love you Doyoung, I love you”

“I love you Jaehyun, I love you, I love you so much, I can’t believe you did this here”

“Are you embarrassed?” Jaehyun laughs softly

“Not at all, I am beyond happy. Jesus Jaehyun I can’t believe it” Doyoung goes to see his hand but with the whole celebration Jaehyun forgot to actually put the ring around his hand.

He rushes to open the box, gets the ring out, and places it around his slender finger, kissing the knuckle after.

“It’s incredibly beautiful Jaehyun, thank you”

“Here's to the happy couple!” Taeyong breaks the short silence, running towards them

“Congratulations guys,” Yuta says a bit behind Taeyong, carrying everyone’s luggage “I knew that ring was going to lead to something”

“Are you jealous?” Doyoung teases him

“Kind of” Yuta admits, side-hugging Taeyong “maybe I need to start taking notes”

“I will gladly lend them to you” Jaehyun says

They try to wrap the whole proposing thing before the security guards come to them and beg them to clear the exit, Jaehyun tries to work it out, but he can’t let Doyoung’s hand go. The feeling of the silver ring on the finger is too catchy, too tempting to let it go. Yuta drives, thankfully, because that means that he can grab his boy- his fiancée’s hand. He can’t believe it yet, even if he is the one who took the huge step.

It’s early enough to see some of the landscape over the car windows, and they schedule a whole week's worth of visiting around Tokyo. When they get out of the city, the landscape starts to get wilder, prettier, and most definitely, way more welcome. The fields are full of oranges and strawberries, and the sky it’s almost a baby purple that suits the whole white and dark wood houses to perfection.

Yuta keeps on driving through the highway until the next exit, and in less than five minutes he is parking next to a couple of houses. Jaehyun gets out of the car quickly, same as Taeyong, both eager to see what his neighborhood is going to look like.

“This one is ours,” Doyoung says, pointing at a house at the left “It’s pretty old but the owners renovated it a couple of years ago. It’s really big for two people, I know, but trust me they make rooms out of closets, so don’t be scared about finding mysterious doors along the halls”

“Wow, racist much?” Yuta jokes “Well, that one is ours” he points to the house at the right, an exact copy of the house that Doyoung just pointed at

“Are you guys serious?” Taeyong asks, not believing what he is seeing “I literally can’t believe it”

“What? The owner rented both of them, and they are really cheap for the location and square meters”

“But it’s the same house?” Taeyong keeps, looking left and right as if he were watching a tennis match “I know you guys used to live together when you were sixteen but I think we are past that”

“It looks like we are not after all” Yuta smiles and gets his boyfriend’s suitcase “See you tomorrow morning, we can have breakfast at ours”

“Jesus Yuta, let Taeyong rest, we can do something in the afternoon and go to the city on the weekend”

“Thank you Doyoung,” Taeyong says with his hands together as if he is praying “I get why you guys need to be close to each other, you are like The Yin and Yang”

Jaehyun laughs loudly at the last one because he totally sees the comparison. They say goodbye to each other, and it looks stupid because they live 20 meters apart from each other, but still, they couldn’t lose their manners like that, right?

When they get inside, Jaehyun feels how Doyoung made the house his in such a short time. The amount of air fresheners and aromatic candles is less than in his flat, but still, the distinctive orange and forest smell is engraved on every surface. Jaehyun wants to see his house, their house, but he gets quickly lost at the thought of it when he sees Doyoung removing his jacket and leaving it in the hanger.

He quietly goes behind him and hugs him again, like he has been doing for the past hour, but this time is different. Is a closer hug, a more intimate one, and he can feel how Doyoung melts under his skin. He kisses his neck like he had never kissed it before, getting drunk on how good he feels, how he smells and the sounds he makes. Everything is making him go mad, and they both understand how each other feels, because they have been missing each other for weeks.

Doyoung takes him to the room, not before stopping a hundred times on the stairs, like a failed house tour. Jaehyun couldn’t care less about whether his stairs had composite deck railings or bamboo ones (but he might say the edges are very smooth and he feels them warm), he was just thinking about Doyoung. He feels his whole abdomen against his palms when they meet each other at the upper floor hall. He is a bit taken aback because really he finds like six doors on his way to the one that seems the opening to their room, because Doyoung doesn’t hesitate to open it quickly, throwing himself on the bed.

Jaehyun doesn’t look around to see the closet or the balcony, he would do it tomorrow, but he needs to do Doyoung now.

“God Jaehyun I’ve missed you”

“I know baby, I missed you too”

That’s the last thing they say to each other before they give in it completely, feeling everything they haven’t been able to feel for the past weeks, getting as closer as they should have been all this time.

The next day they do everything they promised Yuta and Taeyong they would do. They have a chill morning, and this time Jaehyun sees how pretty the house is. In the ground floor he sees the biggest kitchen he has ever seen, connected to a smaller living room. They have a huge backyard that definitely needs some caring, but after going to the first floor (and blushing as he remembers last night) he finds the amount of overwhelming doors. The first one to the left is a small bathroom, the next one is an empty room, the next one is Doyoung’s office, then he finds their room (with a bathroom inside, which Jaehyun loves because it has a bath), and at the right, the first one is another room, the next one is a small closet, and the last one is what looks like Jaehyun’s future studio.

The room is bigger than the one he has in Seoul, with more light and far more furniture, even if it looks almost empty. He has place to a lot of things he didn’t bring because he was too scared of them braking in the plane, and he thought that he could buy new ones here.

“I have been looking for music shops, and near the restaurant there is one very beautiful and it looks quite interesting from the outside. I was waiting for you to visit it, maybe we can go tomorrow so you can already get this going?”

“Seems like a plan to me”

In the afternoon they go to Yuta’s and Taeyong and they video call their friends, showing the nice weather and telling them everything about the next day's plans.

“So when is the official opening?” Sophia asks while she is doing her makeup in her bathroom “I need to do a whole vlog about it, I already talked with Yoonchae and she can take care of Ewan around the end of this month, so please tell me everything is going as planned”

“Don’t you worry, we are officially opening the 1^st of June, as we predicted” Yuta explains calmly

“Okay, then count us in” Sophia says, staying silent after because she is putting some lipstick on

“Are we all going to fit in your house?” Jaemin asks worriedly

“Define all” says Doyoung

“Mark, Sophia, Jungwoo, Johnny, Jeno, Renjun, me…” he sees his friend counting with his fingers “And I think I told Chenle and Ten about it”

“I also invited Jisung!” Mark yells from behind Sophia, carrying Ewan while brushing his hair

“But Donghyuck is also coming… and Daejún too” Doyoung starts doing the math in his head

“I might have told my parents too” Jaehyun confesses “But I’m sure they are going to stay at a hotel”

“See guys? An hotel” Taeyong remarks “Why don’t you all look for something closer to the center? Jeno you should be a millionaire by now, don’t be a rat”

“But I want to be with Jaehyun”

“Okay but only Jeno, the rest of you can look for something already because I am not hosting shit” Jaehyun knows it’s a lie, and that he better start buying bed clothes for the next weeks “Also, I have to tell you something, all of you”

Jaehyun’s screen turn to a bunch of faces with closed mouths and open eyes, and ears, if that was possible.

“This is all very new, but we are engaged” Jaehyun tells without wasting anymore time, raising Doyoung’s hand

His fiancée hits him, probably because he told it as if it was just another piece of news, but they both know that Jaehyun would have had a panic attack if he had to prepare another speech. He couldn’t make one to the person he loved the most, sure as hell he wasn’t going to prepare one for their friends. But they react as expected, screaming and getting their faces very close to the screen, focusing on the ring.

“Oh my god dude” Mark says covering his hand “Oh my god”

“Why didn’t you tell us before you fucker?” Sophia asks angrily

“Sophia! Watch your mouth!” Mark complains “Babies are smarter than you think”

Sophia rolls her eyes notoriously, but still everyone is waiting to Jaehyun or Doyoung to talk, and the older feels like it’s his time.

“He proposed last night” he says, showing his ring

“I was there! It was very emotional, they both cried like babies” Taeyong mocks at them

“I bet! Nothing gets me crying like a proposal I swear to god…” Jungwoo agrees, already tearing up “I want to hear all about it when we are there!”

“Of course! If they don’t want to, Yuta and I will recreate the scene”

His friend is mischievous for saying that, and Yuta is even more because he nods

-

Taeyong and he try to make everything work for themselves while Yuta and Doyoung finish with the restaurant. They decided that they wanted to keep it a secret for them, even if it was in every piece of news they could see on the TV or the street, but none of them knew Japanese well enough to understand what they were saying.

Taeyong started working at Yuta’s father's high school, and surprisingly, he does seem to get along perfectly with the kids. Jaehyun thinks he is not going to move to the university field after working with so many kids, Taeyong loved them and he seemed to be extremely happy.

Jaehyun, on the other hand, dislikes even more doing staying at home all the time. He works in Doyoung’s office, managing the reservations and working on the website, trying not to spoil himself too much. He also keeps on working on his music, and as an impulsive decision, he sends the last demo he has of his last song, unconditional.

He still has that feeling that is too funky, compared to his last album, but he still likes it.

And, he also dyed his hair blonde, almost completely white. Being in his thirties didn’t mean that he couldn’t act against his impulses, but at least they didn’t cost him the mental health it used to do. He’s also going out on runs regularly, trying not to become insane in between the walls of his house.

His routine changes drastically when his friends come and spend the week in Tokyo, making Jaehyun feel so alive. The first days they spend seeing the city, and on Friday, they all get ready for the big opening. He spent his morning with their parents, who came last night to the city too. He shows them a bit around, his mother is delighted with the Japanese culture.

“I love the city son, but I think it’s too big for me”

“I kind of feel it too. Doyoung moves around like it’s his own house, he lived here for a couple of years when he was a teenager”

“I can’t wait to see him tonight, are we going to be able to talk to him?” his mother asks, holding Jaehyun’s hand as they walk over a crosswalk

“Of course, he is so excited to meet you, but he is very nervous too. This morning he woke up at six, and he has been at The BAT with Yuta since then”

“Hardworking men” his father sentences

Jaehyun knows what he means, he knows he’s not doing much lately, and his father knows it too, but he decides not to get hurt by the comment, he knows where he comes from, so he lets it slide. After lunch, he rushes to his house to get changed and finds that his living room has been transformed into a fashion show. Jeno is changed into the most expensive suit he has ever seen, even if it’s black, Jaehyun knows it’s expensive, and Jaemin has a matching one in navy blue. Renjun has a two-piece outfit, mixing a mustard yellow color with strong gray, velvet, and square patterns all over his pants and vest. Chenle is also there, changing into some black pants and a white shirt, getting a crème blazer over and Jisung is wearing an all-black outfit. He looks around, trying to find more people, but he guesses that they must be at Taeyong’s.

“We need to get going,” Renjun says, getting some socks on “What are you going to wear Jaehyun?”

“Let me shower first, but I have everything ready” he rushes through the stairs as he answers

He sees how his house is a mess with all of their friends visiting, and he’s sure Doyoung would have a mental breakdown when he gets home tonight, but he can’t do anything now, he needs to get changed. He showers quickly and styles his hair as he can, everything back and behind his ears, with his hair split in the middle.

He chooses to wear one of his favorite shoes, a very big black one, and some plain black pants, with a navy-blue vest directly on his body, nothing underneath, but a black leather cardigan on top of that. He knows he looks good, and he is more than ready for tonight.

They split a bunch of cabs to get ready in time, but when they are approaching the street, they realize the number of people that are waiting outside is insane. Jaehyun knew that the reservations for today were crazy, but seeing that many people waiting for something that Yuta and Doyoung did was emotional as fuck.

His parents were already there when they came, and they all entered through the back doors like they were trying to hide whatever they were doing, when they came inside, all of them were speechless. The space was warm and inviting, yet undeniably them. Dark wood accents and soft lighting created an intimate atmosphere, while subtle details, like ceramic vases, that Jaehyun knew were handmade in Seoul, added layers of authenticity. A wall near the entrance displayed an array of photographs and snapshots of Yuta and Doyoung in Tokyo over the years, from their first tentative smiles in front of Shinjuku Station to their late-night brainstorming sessions for the restaurant, most of them focusing on the last months. Jaehyun also saw some pictures of them working at the bar, and a couple of times that Yuta had closed the restaurant for one of their birthdays.

Dishes were a fusion of the bold, vibrant flavors of Korean cuisine and the delicate precision of Japanese culinary techniques and every plate was a story. What impressed Jaehyun most, though, was how effortlessly the restaurant embodied Doyoung and Yuta’s partnership. The open kitchen allowed diners to watch Yuta work his magic with the presentation, he imagined every movement deliberate and artful, while Doyoung was going to be floating between tables, engaging guests with his characteristic charm. Some waiters served them and Jaehyun ordered plum-infused makgeolli, feeling already connected to the food, to the city, and to the story of two people who had built something extraordinary together.

The night was exquisite, Doyoung and Yuta and their co-workers were extraordinaires, and everything went above and beyond expectations. Jaehyun had a couple of photos taken with Doyoung, Yuta, and Taeyong, as the owners of the restaurant and their respective partners. Some journalists were doing a brief round of questions after the opening, and one was directly toward Jaehyun and Taeyong.

“So we have been following Yuta and Doyoung’s journey for quite a while now, but now we want to know about you guys, how did you guys meet? I’m sorry I’m asking this question first, but I believe none of you had an interview ever, right?”

“That’s right” Taeyong smiles, grabbing the mic Yuta just passed at him “Hi, I’m Lee Taeyong. I’m a teacher at Hibiya High School. We met a few years ago at their restaurant, we met Doyoung firstly as he was a waiter and then my friends gave me an admission to Yuta’s masterclass in Seoul, and well, here we are”

“Oh my god!” the interviewer exclaims “How lucky of you! I’m sure every one of us who attended Nakamoto’s masterclass would have loved to be you!”

“I bet” Taeyong smirks

“And you Jaehyun? Were all of you together when you met?”

“Right, I was there too” Jaehyun smiles shyly “Then I applied for a job there, at the bar, and Doyoung was my manager”

“That’s amazing, I love how close you all seem” the girl cheers “We also did a bit of background research, and it looks like you are a singer, is that right?”

“Well, yes” Jaehyun is a bit impressed with this question “It’s still kind of weird to be saying this but I released an album”

“That’s right! Tell us about it!”

Jaehyun continues explaining about his album briefly, not because he doesn’t want the free publicity, but because he wants to go home and celebrate with their friends. After a couple of more questions, they conclude the interview, and they send everyone home, congratulating them on the work of that night. Their friends were waiting outside already, enjoying the Japanese spring nights.

They share a bunch of cabs again, except Taeyong, Yuta, Doyoung, and him, which go together in Doyoung’s car. At their houses, they decide to prepare something in their big common backyards, which they spend hours and hours until the next day’s morning again.

Some of their friends had to go back to Seoul, as they could only come to see the opening, but some of them stayed. Of course, the ones who stayed were their closest friends; how could they not? They go again to the city to drop people off, and then they all go and have breakfast around Tokyo. They discuss the next time that they are going to meet, and Jaehyun promises them they are going to be there for Mark and Jaemin’s birthday.

Everything seemed back to its original place, after having breakfast and discussing birthday plans, and driving back to their houses.

There are a lot of things that are not discussed yet, a lot of plans to be aware of, but at the moment, having breakfast at a Japanese cafeteria, with one album released, another song on the way, Jeno being a successful model, Jaemin a successful photographer and both of them in love with each other, Taeyong discovering his new call as a high school teacher, Yuta a successful chef and both of them in love with each other, Mark a successful podcaster, Sophia a successful influencer and both of them in love with each other, Jungwoo a very much proud community manager and with a caring loving boyfriend.

And Doyoung, his fiancée, his friend, his life. The most successful man he ever met, the strongest human he had ever seen, and the most beautiful face in the whole world.

He’s golden

Everything was in its original place.

Even if Jeno didn’t know that he was going to be leading the Met Gala the next year, becoming the first Korean man to ever become the face of the four biggest brands, along with the brand ambassador title.

Even if Jaemin didn’t know that he was going to launch his own exhibition, Narcissism, and it was going to be a worldwide hit, having expositions for two years all over the world.

And even if both of them didn’t know that they were going to get married in the next three years, celebrate their wedding at the same camping site they went to a bunch of years ago.

Even if Taeyong didn’t know he was going to love working at a high school so much he even declined University offers, fulfilling his inner dream about being completely confident of himself and what he was doing, and stopped looking for P.h.Ds and more achievements.

Even if Yuta didn’t know that he was going to have over ten Michelin stars over his restaurants in Korea and Japan before he reached forty, and all of his restaurants were in the World's 50 Best Restaurants List.

And even if both of them didn’t know that they would get married in the next two years and that they were going adopt the cutest boy, Riku, which they get to raise in between the Korean and Japanese cultures.

Even if Mark didn’t know that he was going to be invited as the official host and commentator to a lot of important sports and e-sports events, along with Jhonny and Jisung, but always recorded his weekly podcast, it didn’t matter which part of the world they were in.

Even if Sophia didn’t know that she was going to drop the whole influencer thing that same year and started making content about the journey of her life, writing books about the social media influence on girls, with a very much feminist point of view.

Even if they also didn’t know that they weren’t going to get married because none of them saw the point in that, but they were going to have another baby, a daughter, Minjeong, very soon.

Even if Jungwoo doesn’t know he will also get married, and he is going to live all of his firsts with Johnny, discovering himself all over again in his journey.

Even if Doyoung doesn’t know he will have one day one little restaurant of his own.

Even if Jaehyun doesn’t know he will keep on releasing music until he is old, and that he is going to live through his music, he is going to give concerts and get invited to play and sing for important events, in Korea, Japan, and the United States.

And even if both of them didn’t know that they would get married at the beginning of the next year, and will adopt two kids, Sion and Daeyoung, which they are also going to raise between the Korean and Japanese cultures, all of his kids are going to be like them: young and messy, with dreams and frustrations, eager to learn and ready to fight for themselves.

Even if they don’t know all of that, everything was in its original place.

And as they drive to the airport, it doesn’t matter if it’s going from their Tokyo house to the airport or the other way, or from their Seoul house to the airport or all the way back, they get to look back at all his life choices, and they couldn’t be happier.

It’s the same highway Jaehyun and his friends took to see Jeno’s first model appearance in Incheon.

It’s the same highway they took to see Mark and Sophia at the hospital when they just had Ewan.

It’s the same highway they took to go to Doyoung’s old flat when they finished their late shift.

It’s the same highway Doyoung’s mother used to take to drive him to his grandfathers’.

It’s the same highway they take every time they go out for a weekend getaway.

It was their own highway, to their dreams, to their future, to their families, to their friends, to themselves, to the sky, to heaven. It was a highway to heaven, and neither of them could wait to love each other all along.

Chapter Text

highway to heaven – playlist

link to the playlist

no punctuation whatsoever i don’t even care

spoilers… this whole chapter is explaining the fic through music so… it spoils it like the whole thing…

yea so hi! my name is mar, im 23 and im an architect, nice to meet u! :)

i am going to break the 4th wall of writing and just write this playlist explanation like a one to one thing just because… first of all this is obviously my fanfic and its my choice of songs…. im super sure that maybe you would think that some songs doesn’t fit or another one would fit better and u know what? u are probably right but idk i just imagined the whole thing going like this, like a mix between an ost and a bso so yea… i was writing as i was thinking like oh this is such x vibe, or this is so x song coded, and this playlist came to life

also! mainly songs from nct are added! but also some day6 as jaehyun (me) likes them and also japanese ones for doyoung. these songs that i chose are a mix of those nct, day6, imase songs but also seventeen ones! even if seventeen ensemble is not inside this fic (it would be just too much but i am adding them in the days gone by fanfic that u can totally check it out if u want!!), also jaehyun solos, doyoung and taeyong ones.

the other songs that are not entire related to this kpop thing are 1. songs that reminded me of the storytelling because of the lyrics + 2. same as 1 but also that jaehyun and doyoung said that they like them! so yeah

so lets start into this super cool unprofessional explanation of the playlist (i don’t think anyone is going to read 6k words of me yapping about music but yea)

i also thought it was a good idea because there has been a couple of amazing fanfics that i have read (nonstop by ohsun, lets break the internet by nct127, hymn of the darkness by jenosmaid) these last months and i am sure i am going to be discovering new amazing ones and i would definitely most love to have a playlist to remember the whole fanfic even tho i finished them so i thought why not do it with mine (even if they are not closely good as them but yea we get the vibe)

okay now lets get going

ALSO the cover of the playlist it's just the vibe of the fanfic with the whole sashimi and smoking and the japanese currency tag... cheff kiss 

give yourself a try – the 1975

this song is very jaehyun coded at the first of the fic because he is just trying to really give himself a try! just hanging on there with his silly little tasks and his job and his friends. everything is still a little bit overwhelming to him but he is trying… right ?

bad boy – red velvet

well even if i don’t think this needs a lot of explanation… it’s not like jaehyun was a bad boy but he wasn’t the best boyfriend u know + i also think that he pace of the song goes very well with the beginning of the chapter pace

baggy jeans – nct u

just an inside joke because of the pants that taeyong gifts jaehyun in his birthday and also i couldn’t leave this one out because golden age – the 4^th album was something i personally haven’t recovered yet from

designer – nct127

the name of the bar where they design their own drinks ! i also think the concept of the bar is very  funny even if it would be a total chaos to charge them and to be the fucking barista but yea imagine you could order whatever the fuck u wanted in a totally alternative bar… jaehyun coded

hit – seventeen

(spoiler i am a carat) so i made the name of the drinks they designed on the first chapter based on songs from seventeen that i really think it suits the characters (taeyong would dance hard to this) and that drink would probably hit you up so bad but yea that’s what alcoholic drinks are for

god of light music – seventeen

such a funny song for a funny jaehyun (he didn’t know what was coming)

drift away – seventeen

also such a jungwoo coded song like… jungwoo i love you (i can totally see him irl singing to this song a bit tipsy in a karaoke room)

last night – jeonghan x wonwoo (seventeen)

i can totally see the name changed from last night (guitar by park juwon) to  last night (guitar by mark lee) (mark playing the guitar in 7lling in the dream got me feeling some type of way)

pang! – seventeen

jeno would love this song like no fucking doubt (i don’t know but i feel like jeno and hoshi could be close friends)

kick it – nct127

the name of the club!! i was (still am) obsessed with the valentino khan remix i was thinking about if i should add that song instead but i understand that sometimes we are not in the mood to go that hard so i decided to play it safe and stick with the og

smoke – jaehyun

also very self explanatory but the whole vibe of this song is like very hot relationship, sudden desire, jaehyun gives mayor fuckboy vibes in this song, the dance and the visuals too… idk everything in this song makes me think about this jaehyun, like a very bold person but also kind of shy. i was unsure if i should have added some spicy scene in the club but i was definitely not in the mood (i still think this song is a bit spicy)

icantfeelanything – nctdream

renjun is back and so am i ! so how could i not include this one, because i think jaehyuns brain sounded exactly like the chorus when the breakup thing happened, it’s a very very interesting song for me

zombie (english version) – day6

english version because i cannot sing korean and sometimes i like to sing the whole song so i was like yeah fuck it i am going to add the english version (for the lore we would say that jaehyun has been living in america for four years and that’s why hes here) but yea… the lyrics are very very very much jaehyun coded in this one (i was also thinking about congratulations but that song is a very happy one and when u hear the lyrics its like oh damn, and i didn’t want such a happy sounding song so soon). but yea the whole zombie behavior and not feeling anything, and so on and so on

horizon – jaehyun

some jaehyun thoughts and lyrics

ups & downs – taeyong

i think there is no needed explanation on this one so i won’t give one (except for just saying that this song and whole album is  a masterpiece)

forever only – jaehyun

trying to get more lyrics honestly buy also this song is a vibe like go off jae

anirago – slom & zion.t

this song is played on jaehyuns cafeteria at least twice an hour (and i don’t blame him like give him the aux right now)

pandoras box – nct127

the whole resolutions box i think its very much pandora box coded, and also they were having a great great night so i also like the whole vibe of the song very much and i think it’s very fitting

roses – jaehyun

when i heard this song, and the first bar was ‘i think i should text my ex’ i honestly lost it. so yeah, that’s the main plot of the second chapter and the whole conversation that jaehyun and seulgi have over the phone is jaehyun just saying the lyrics of this song in the most toxic and heartbreaker way ever… sorry girlies and guys

can’t help myself – nct127

the whole instrumental of this song is very much what jaehyun is going through at the moment, and the chorus is just a very graphic description of jaehyun’s feelings ‘i will always choose you; i can’t help myself’ aha, very jaehyun indeed

our dawn is hotter than the day – seventeen

such a fun song that i think summarizes very well the little camping trip they had (also this song in the killing verse thing was such a wholesome thing)

blood – day6

just a banger and a great song to perform (i guess i honestly have never performed this song ever)

warning! – day6

just another banger and very very much concert coded (jaehyun is not alternative he breathes for this song)

love me or leave me – day6

another fucking banger (let day6 cook) and i just could imagine jaehyun and jeno and taeyong screaming and kicking their foot to the chorus (as everyone should)

can we go back – nctdojaejung

why would i not choose this song when jaehyun and seulgi literally….. exactly

back 2 u (am 01:27) – nct127

so basically the whole chorus lines about ‘im not going back back back back’ jaehyun is convinced he doesn’t want to go back to seulgi, even after the incident and the familiarity of her house, he doesn’t want to go back with her, but the feeling is still bittersweet

lemonade – nct127

i know jaehyun ordered an iced tea but doyoung served him a flavoured lemonade because he knew he was going to enjoy it, sue him (hes arrogant when he knows hes right.. let him have this)

eyes on you – seventeen

self explanatory again but jaehyun already had his eye on doyoung and he wanted him there at the restaurant??? he is as oblivious as clueless ! also the vibes in this song….. im afraid seventeen ate this comeback …

kitchen beat – nct127

i think ive proved now what kind of nct127 songs i like (spoiler all of them) but i personally thought about this song because jaehyun really felt this kind of upbeat when he was helping doyoung, it was such a fun experience for him (and we are starting to get spoonfuls of the japanese vibe of the story….)

midsummer madness – 88 rising

so this song is everything to me, no need to explain, and the whole summer looking for a job and having this kind of situation left feeling jaehyun a bit like midsummer madness you know (i am saying u know a lot even tho i don tknow if u guys know but i trust u guys and girls so i know you know)

flamin’ hot lemon – jaehyun

this song? rent was due. this is such a groovy and fun song, i can feel how jaehyun was slowly getting to know doyoung in a more serious way, and i also thought it was funny that it was the name of a cocktail he got to learn from mr. kim and his fine palate (the idea for the cocktail was because in the lee young ji interview jaehyun said he loved the flamin hot lemon cheetos because even if it was made with a ton of lemon, they were spicy and hot, so i thought copy paste but instead of cheetos i might say an alcoholic beverage because why not honestly)

breakfast – nct127

this song is everything to me 2.0 and i thought it was hilarious that a breakfast place would have breakfast as its name… at this point i know not everything about what i say its funny but lets tag along shouldn’t we

sorry, heart – nctdream

when doyoung gets mad at jaehyun for a lot of things jaehyun feels his heart ache and he feels a kind of sorry that he had never felt, he feels genuinely bad and he really wants to make up. ‘tell me why i let you down’ go tell them chenle

dinosaur – akmu

jaehyun plays this softly in the car, getting doyoung safe to his house. jaehyun doesn’t know it but doyoung really likes the song because it reminds him of how much he overcame, and he feels extremely good listening to that song. jaehyun just guesses that it’s because he is an excellent dj, they only share it with each other years after marriage, when they listen to it again and doyoung explains it to him. after this jaehyun kisses his forehead and makes him tea… sobs

somethings gotta give – labyrinth

okay, entering the jeno arch. this is honestly as good as the main plot (imo) i just love jeno in this fanfic. so when jeno literally gives up on his parents (mentally) he sorts of become the main character of his life (as it should) so this songs resonates very much with the storytelling

hot & cold – kai, seulgi, jeno, karina

so this is a bit of two pov thing because jaemin thinks jeno is cold with him and jeno thinks jaemin is too hot (not in like attractive way but like, hes too close and they don’t know each other that much yet) but they both embrace this relationship so well (i also have an unhealthy obsession with the sm winter albums)

my youth – nctdream

the whole discography of the dreamies can go into this chapter but i decided to stick to only a few. my youth is completely dedicated to taeyong, mark, jungwoo and jaehyun. he only started living when he met them, and even if his life started in his twenties, it was okay to him. it was his youth, and he was living it his way.

anl – nctdream

so this is basically the cabin night they spend together jeno and jaemin. i was going to write a one shot of them (being way too close to each other if you know what i mean) but it didn’t sit right with me that they were that intimate before they got to know each other well, but still, the feeling was there and i think that night was really special to both of them

when i’m with you – nctdream

so yes… what can i say… very jaemin and jeno coded…. ‘when im with you im so blind’ … same

broken melodies – nctdream

shoutout to the best song that someone had ever written. jeno saying in the song ‘you owe me sleep’ at the first fucking second…. i just needed to have this song in the playlist, and the whole vibe of the chorus goes extremely well with the relationship of jeno jaemin when they were close friends..

hug – seventeen

so that hug that jaemin gives jeno in the kitchen its everything to me. next chapter before i get teary

be there for me – nct127

the whole christmas market was screaming this song. also, sm might do a lot of shit wrong but their obsession with making winter albums (especially exo’s ep for life released in december of 2016, twenty four chinese version changed my life) is something that we should be grateful for

i need somebody – day6

everybody say thank you everyday day6 2017 project. this song is very much emotional, and i feel that scene at jaehyuns bathroom that it could have been only a misunderstanding also got into something deeper than it should, but because doyoung was obviously not okay and even if jaehyun couldn’t really understand him at the moment, he just knew he needed to be with him

dandelion – jaehyun

the lyrics of this song (spoiler: jaehyun is whipped) are the only things that jaehyun can think off when he sees doyoung. its not like i can blame him but get yourself together jaehyun

days gone by – day6

this is such a fantastic song and very fitted for a car drive! also jaehyun is a myday so why should he hide it

igloo – millic, clubeskimo

so! this album of millic also changed my life for good and i thought that doyoung would have really like this song so i wanted to change a bit the vibes of the car trip and also change a bit the storytelling with the lyrics (doyoung is not whipped yet but he is testing the waters)

i wait – day6

everyone say thank you everyday day6- okay no need to thank them again, but i wait is such a cool song and it resembles a lot of jaehyuns thoughts on the whole waiting thing. he doesn’t want to do it but it’s the thing he needs to do, so he wants to do it for doyoung.. i also thought about placing here wait from dino from seventeen but it didn’t sit that right with me because in that song dino says ‘please don’t make me wait’ and like that is jaehyun coded but deep down he also wants to wait

interlude: oasis – nct u

a good time in the fanfic to just stop reading it. not in a bad way but like breath in and have some air because doyoung and jaehyun together can be dense… they are very thick with each other (mainly jaehyun because he literally doesn’t stop one second to not be alone with his thoughts… why do i get him tho)

live classic : paradise(with lotte castle) – ziont & sokodomo

that’s exactly what it feels to jaehyun to move in, the whole vibe of the song

kiss – nctdojaejung

okay also pretty self explanatory (again!) but like… how could i not i mean… the whole lyrics about ‘having dreams about you; im falling falling falling for you; u r l i p s’ i just had to… also this kiss felt extremely personal to me, i felt it was super intimate, even if it wasn’t the best way to express their feelings they just needed to, you know? i just love this scene (my stomach was for real fluttering when writing like i was giggling)

pado – nct u

‘you got me confused you got me so satisfied’ so dojae coded

how to love – day6

at this point i might give youngk some credits on this fanfic, but yeah, i love this song and the whole message of ‘tell me how to love’ because its exactly what jaehyun needs

cheers to youth – seventeen

okay folks listen up, the yuta speech almost made me cry and i was the one writing (it wasn’t because of my writing skills but because i am emotional and have attachment issues) but for me, first of all this song is just magical, the whole message in the mv and the fact that they added hoshi (svt girlfriend) to the storytelling of the videoclip and just admitting everyone has a little weird trait… that was it for me (also joshua as a meerkat its something that is going to take me months to get over). and then, the speech was very much needed because, for me, it symbolizes the end of an era, the end of their summer: they spent the whole summer together, learning from each other… i imagine this song after yuta speech at the bar and its something that i would never recover from imo… also when yuta says thanks to doyoung as for being the best friend a chef can ask for… literally getting teary again like…

fooling myself – dana williams

such an amazing song, and i thought that it would be so doyoung coded to be his favorite love song

strawberry & cigarettes – troye sivan

so yea… jaehyun smells like strawberry and cigarettes, but because he started using strawberry scented detergents and stuff after meeting seulgi (the only strawberry smell he hates is the strawberry milkshake air freshener) so even if he doesn’t know it, he smells like strawberries, wild ones, and cigarettes. that’s his thing and we need to support him

ilysb (stripped) – lany

so this is jaehyuns favorite love song, even if he doesn’t confess it to doyoung right when he asks for it, one night at his flat he is making food and doyoung starts humming that song so jaehyun tears up a bit and tells him that song is his favorite song, but that whatever that doyoung sings to him is going to be his favorite sound

completely – jaehyun

at this point on the album we can already confirm that this boy is whipped, and the number of times i cried listening to this song… well more than i would like to admit, but just because the lyrics are just so precious

have a nice day – imase

so jaehyun has stalked doyoung on spotify and he knows he has a joint playlist with yuta with songs from this artist. jaehyun doesn’t want to ask because he knows doyoung will tell him more and more about his japanese years, but when he misses doyoung he just listens to imase, imagining how happy doyoung must looked walking down the streets, feeling himself (and in fact he needed to have a nice day because he was going to ask doyoung out so…)

headliner – seventeen

this song is full of rush but also full of emotion, i think its just a very very powerful song… and obviously the only words that i can understand (because you are my headliner) seems like a very accurate thought that jaehyun would have about doyoung

candy – seventeen

i could only think about the 20-30 seconds instrumental they posted as a youtube short and it was screaming bgm for a date, so the whole vibes were exactly like that.

carat cake – nctdream

so yeah so in case yall wanted to know the watch that jaehyun gives to doyoung is a iwc portofino automatic (very expensive but jaehyun is whipped, we already clarified that) so like yeah, the whole ‘whats that thing on my wrist; never seen nothing like this’ …  we get it right

so american – olivia rodrigo

we get into the pop babygirl jaehyun relationship era!!!!!! the concept of this song resonates so well with jaehyun and doyoung in this period of time, because as they are just starting dating everything seems so new and so fun and so vibey and so catchy and so addicting… like ‘he says im pretty wearing his clothes; he got hands that make hell seems cold;  he laughs at all my jokes and he says im so american’ like i am just going to give up on quoting the whole song but we can get a grip on how they are completely in love with each other and they cannot spend a day apart anymore

bed chem – sabrina carpenter

uhm yes…

baby don’t stop – nct u (taeyong, ten)

this duo had to do something together in this fic (kinda wishing they end up together but idk maybe in the future?? like i love taeten but something about yuta and taeyong just felt right in the storyline)

off the wall – nctdream

so imagine the dreamies performing this materpiece being best friends on a karaoke machine, slightly tipsy and just having a blast… yea i can picture that

i am – ive

karaoke kings if they ask me (please tell me that you have seen the clip of dojae (mainly doyoung but we have to give jaehyun some credit, don’t we?) singing this song… im afraid doyoung ate this. also one of the lasts phrases that says ‘i hope you’d be someone’s dream come true’ uhm yessir

easy – jaehyun

because life with doyoung is just upbeat, is easy, is what he loves. i didn’t really added much of the songs lyrics in this one because it wasn’t really like easy come easy go u know but just the overall funky happy vibes of the whole thing

faded in my last song – nct u

yeah so first of all sorry for all the trauma dumping in doyoung ………. i thought yea why not, i didn’t fuck  up jeno enough lets do it with the softest human alive… but i wanted to show how you can find kindness regardless of what might happened, and that good people exists. this song particularly is very much what doyoung feels about his mother because he doesn’t remember anything about her, only that small song

gold dust – nct 127

i get very lonely vibes from this song and the analogy of everything reduced to dust was very much pairing with the story telling… also way off topic but jaehyun’s last sentence ‘gold dust up my sea’ in English sounds like ‘contestame asi’ in Spanish (at least the way Jaehyun says it in the song) and the meaning of it is ‘answer me like this’ in a very intimate way.. idc this felt personal

long flight (instrumental) – taeyong

the flight is not physically long u know, its like a couple of hours i think, but the burden that it takes on doyoung it feels like forever to get rid of (and he still carries a bit of it). but up to this day, he is grateful he went there, it saved his life

treasure island – millic ft. han

so yea again this album but trust me on this one… the lyrics are very much dedicated from doyoung to the whole city, he feels this kind of concept of treasure island in japan. he feels these little mysteries about everything so entertaining and amusing, it frees him mentally

idontwannabeyouanymore – billie eilish

very self explanatory this one too but yeah, doyoung wants to take care of himself and he doesn’t want to be like his dad, he doesn’t want to be like the old him,… he wants to be a new him, and a lot of lyrics could be related to him in this song, not in like a romantic heartbreak thing but a disappointed heartbreak one as he is starting to realize a lot of things

yesterday – official hige dandism

a japanese song doyoung recommended… felt basic on this one

逃避行 – imase

so yea more imase who is complaining? not me… also giving some good vibes to doyong please

i am blue – 1415

this song is always going to be important for me… ‘and you always make me blue’ so sad lyrics with such a pretty song…

wild – yuto adachi

this is what yuto is playing in his house (he is of course not famous, we get it)

night poem – nct dream

a bit of what doyoung felt his summers as, in the nakamotos farm house. this song is everything to me because just like the dreamy vocals??? the instrumental ???? like istg mark’s part always gets me giggling and kicking my feet

the story – doyoung

this one is as significant to me and the fic like the jaehyun ones, because its literally doyoung telling his story. the thing in the mv about trying to carry with him a lot of old luggage feels a lot like his imperial need to take care of his father (even if he is literally mentally and physically abusing him) and the moment he lets go of that, hes free. its like a very obvious comparison but like not everything has to be so deep, doyoung ends up leaving his need to come back to his father to live his life.

seoul drift – zico

we are getting to the fun of the story and we can listen to it as the music shiftes… this one is dedicated to my zico lovers <3 and to minho, to show doyoung the world of driving (also I wanted SO BAD to add hoshi as doyoung’s boyfriend but yeah I didn’t want to break the wall of adding seventeen members to this fic)

the bat – nct u

so yea the bar name… listen i was struggling with this one because i wanted to choose a song from yuta’s album (it was going to be butterfly because of the evolving of everything and the butterfly effect) but i didn’t like it much how it set the music pace, but the bat is such a name yuta would choose (we will be forever grateful to the bat’s yuta’s concept wont we)

love it if we made it – the1975

besides of doyoung liking this song irl its literaly yuta and doyoung coded like don’t even try to change my mind on this one. the song starts in such a breathy way?? willing to do everything for each other, and while the song advances, it settles down a bit, getting steady

first love – doyoung

doyoung first love is jaehyun. period. like i feel like i need to go deeper on this one but its like.. if i had to add something its like seventeen song, candy, but more personal, more doyoung pov

flying kiss – nctdream

the kiss had doyoung on a chokehold and honestly i get him…. is catchy, rhythmic, addictive, switching between real and fantasy… like the kiss itself.  the chorus is upbeat like doyoungs heart… poetic (and special thanks to chenles high note on the last chorus)

ivy – frank ocean

jaehyun is very alternative (let him have this) and he shows every song he ever loved to doyoung when he gives him the record player. doyoung couldn’t be happier ‘i though that i was dreaming when you said you love me’ boy i get you

i like me better – lauv

because doyoung me and jaehyun are the same lany lauv enthusiastics right.. so yea… this song reflects on the effect that jaehyun has on doyoung, making him feel this way + also like a tiny teeny bit like a teenager, this helpless love…

i love you twice – huh yunjin

such a cute song for a cute jaehyun don’t we think… “wipes tears dry and says i love you twice” dojae… don’t try to change my mind (i guess if you read the whole fic and this playlist breakthrough you aren’t going to try and change my mind but just in case)

better better – day6

mayday jaehyun is back… some car radio tunes what can i say

tears are falling – nct wish

i am in my nct wish era now…. well i have been writing this fanfic for two months or so, so spare me and let me enjoy the nct journey… this song is just… (the japanese one because why not.. also because is dedicated to yuta my boy) so this is like the end of the second year speech… sorry if the whole speech sounded repetitive but i think it’s a really cool project and i wanted yuta to have another minute of fame)

1-800-hot-n-fun –  le sserafim

so jungwoo is in his brat era (when is he not in his brat era…) and maybe his fuckbuddy is jhonny and that’s why mark knows…

second life – seventeen

jaehyun’s summer, a bit chill, kind of moving and uptempo but at his own peace. he needed a bit of rest.

smoke again – haon ft. dean

so yeah! is not like smoking again bc he never stopped, but he was trying to quit… and as we know, its not a progress is not a lineal thing! so we might as well hope for his nicotine addiction to stop soon… he does feel bad about the whole doyoung thing and his aversion to the smelling of it, and he tries to hide it as much as he can, but he is still an anxious person and he finds some calmness when he smokes

chocolate – day6

a bit of an interlude?? if its possible?? right when the tuscany trip just started ! such a fun experience i think, it reminded me a lot of the nana tour <3

ciao ciao – la rappresentante di lista

the club song that they listened too that everyone (mostly jaemin) loved

shohikigen ( 消費期限 ) – seventeen

the song that was playing in the car when they were coming back from taeyong and jungwoo’s place from new years eve.. doyoung has taste, what can i say. also the song is very emotional but at the same time inspiring?? like i could totally could see it as a realization point in a movie where the main character realizes he wants to change his life if u know what i mean

cant get you – jaehyun

we got to the last song of the album!!! and he was having it hard but he got to it. special thanks to doyoung for being such an inspiration (he is art) and to jaemin (for creating art) and to his friends for being such helpful angels and to jaehyun for creating this masterpiece…

henny – sik-k

partyy and a fun way to start the last chapter!!

love song – nct127

how could i not put love song in this one… well here it is, jaehyun and doyoung feel very much in love with each other and they show it every day  to each other

time lapse – nct127

so the whole fight they have its pretty much a bittersweet feeling, trying to fight what they really want and what they really have, the whole “cane we fix it baby can we fix it”… will be forever in my books

rains in heavens – nct dream

so now are we going to talk about this song… let me wipe my tears first. the lyrics… the melody… the message… it’s just so wholesome and i wanted to start they japanese journey with this song, and its just to suiting that doyoung is leaving first, because they both needed time apart (doyoung in japan with yuta and jaehyun in seoul with jeno, jaemin, taeyong, mark and jungwoo)

view – shinee

jaehyun starts to feel more positive about the whole thing and starts to see the whole thing with much more perspective. a very hopeful track to a very hopeful jaehyun !

orange seoul – nct 127

jaehyun’s own goodbye to seoul… + jaehyuns part in ‘this city gives me love and i cant get enough’… it’s a spoiler sorry not sorry.. also their voices sound so raspy in this song or i am tripping? anyways slay

heaven’s cloud – seventeen

more seventeen because we needed it… the whole preparing for the proposing sounds like this… also this song is a masterpiece what can i say

found you – gsoul

i found you – jaehyun to doyoung, every single day

baby its u – jeong sewoon

well this banger.. what can i say.. besides of being in my top songs in my spotify wrapped from 2018 i think it’s a very wholesome song that describes a lot jaehyun’s feelings towards his fiancee the first months in japan, feeling so welcome and at ease, so its like he already found everything he needed, and the answer its always doyoung <3

congratulations – day6

the last day6 song of the playlist… what can i say.. it had to be this one like come on.. i know im the one who wrote this thing but i think we need to be aware of how much they accomplished right… like all of them… should i write an epilogue..

unconditional – jaehyun

this song is more like a feeling to jaehyun, of loving his friends, doyoung, his family and himself unconditionally, of everything he had been feeling for the past years, and the vibe of the song is completely different because he is different, he is better, he lives, he laughs… he is funky and upbeat, and he couldn’t be prouder of himself and evrythig that surrounds him, because that’s who he is

highway to heaven – nct127

so i started thinking about this fic on september… because jaehyun’s album was just astonishing, at least for me. every song, the storyline, it inspired me so fucking much that i wanted to write something with the songs as chapter titles and the content of it to be a bit related, and this came out! i had difficulties naming the fic because i didn’t want to name it literally j the 1^st album, so i tried a couple of things but highway to heaven is what felt right to me, and here we are

this whole playlist honestly means a lot to me because it has been creating for the past 4 months. i still don’t understand how could i write so fuckign much words over the course of just 3 months (i started in october to really write it) but still, i think it came out something nice. i am re-reading it to change a couple of things (the firsts chapters are full of mistakes lmao) but yea no beta reader we die like men

also i don’t know what more to say… maybe i write an epilogue about jaehyun’s life married with doyoung and raising sion and daeyoung (i am soft) but i am not sure yet). i wanted to finish this story and maybe get more people to read it and if yall want i will write an epilogue, but i cant start writing it until the end of january so.. i wanted to close this one for now.

thank you so much for everyone who read, commented, kudoed ??along the way even tho there was 0 confirmation i was going to finish this (i was getting drained of the 20k words chapters)

i hope you liked jaehyuns, jenos and doyoungs pov, you liked the storyline, the plotwists, the playlist and the authors notes haha

love u very much, have nice holidays and i hope to hear from you in my next fics!!