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"And what did you expect would happen?" Remus yelled, being completely fed up. He so desperately wanted to help, wanted to prevent a wizarding war from happening. Trying to look after his former friends even though they made it clear they hated him. Was called a traitor when he’d done nothing wrong, yet. But also standing here. Having to deal with these death eaters that he'd formed an alliance with. Who, just like him, wanted Voldemort gone. At times it was so hard. All he wanted to do was just, give up. Flee the country. Start somewhere new. Forget all of this. "Did you actually expect this grand plan of yours to work? That he would kill James and Harry and what? Leave Lily for you? You can't honestly be that stupid."
"Shut up you filthy animal. You don't know what you're talking about," Severus shot back at him. They were standing barely a meter apart yet were yelling at the top of their lungs. Severus looked uncomposed and a bit mad, which was completely out of character. Hair tangled, clothes in disarray, face red. The sneer was a familiar one.
"I do know what I'm talking about. After all they just dropped my ass like I was nothing. Almost a decade of being a tight nit group just thrown in the trash without a second of hesitation! And you think she will forgive you? Accept you? You honestly think Lily will love you at all?"
Every word he said was meant to hurt. He'd always felt like there was more to Severus plan. He'd always seemed like the person who wanted to fit in, climb the social ladder, get the power, hate on muggles. So why would he join the group to take Voldemort down? For a while Remus had been certain that he was a double spy, ready to take their group out. But the realisation that it was this crush, this obsession with Lily. That was an unexpected turn. Or maybe he was blindsided by this because they’d been fucking. Getting rid of all that build up tension. The sudden reveal of a lifelong love for Lily combined with how he was talking about her. It made him ill.
"That is because you are nothing. You cumulate to nothing. You're a passable wizard. A disgusting, uncontrollable animal. A leech of a friend. Desperate to fuck anything that walks. You have no redeemable qualities," Severus hissed. Every word stabbed him like a knife, then it was twisted before it was pulled out. Only to repeat it over and over again. It wasn't like he hadn't told himself all of those things over and over again. Apparently it wasn’t low self-esteem. It was common knowledge. And it stung.
His hands balled into fists, shaking slightly with the pure rage that was building in him. This wasn't even about him! This was about Severus and his insane plan. He stepped closer and grabbed the front of Severus clothes, yanking him closer.
"Finally doing some self-reflection?" he said, voice shaking with anger. Anger that always laid so close to the surface now a days. Just waiting, ready to pounce. And if Severus was handing himself on a plate, he would gladly take it. "Hi Lily, remember me? The one who called you names and dropped you for people who hate you and your kind with every fibre of your being? All so I could finally feel a tiny bit of power?"
"You only felt powerful because you could hide behind Black and Potter."
"As if you weren't hiding behind Malfoy and Mulciber. As if you weren't just as big of a bitch as I was."
It was quiet for a moment but he knew a storm was brewing. Those black eyes were on fire. They were roaming his face, probably looking for the best place to attack.
"Lily will forgive me for all of that. The manipulated, sad, lonely boy. Black on the other hand will always think of you as trash that he's glad to be rid of."
And wasn't that the truth. He was pretty certain Sirius would never forgive him. Lily, James, Peter. They would all understand his motives, they understood the grey area. But Sirius worked in black and white. He had turned to the death eaters. No matter what his reasoning was, he would never be forgiven. He'd known that. Realised it pretty early on. After all, he loved that man and knew him almost better than himself. If he went along with his plan, Sirius would still hate him. But at least there was a world where he could be hated in. He'd given up his love to ensure there was a future. He didn't believe even for a second that was true for Severus. The man was too selfish for that.
"You think she will? Really?" he whispered softly, grinning at Severus. He knew he probably looked insane, but he wasn't letting this slide. He wouldn't accept the death of James and Harry just so Severus could have his wicked fantasy. "Hi Lily. Heard you're single again. Sorry about the death of your husband and child, whom you loved dearly. Yes, I could've saved them. But I couldn't let them get in my way of having you. You’re mine after all. Now be a good girl an-"
He was roughly shoved backwards, stumbling for a second before he found his footing again.
"Ah what's wrong Severus? I think she'll be begging on her knees for you to take her back!?"
"Shut up you disgusting beast!"
"Oh Severus! I was so wrong! Of course I don't want the nice, good looking, family man! I don't know what came over me!" He pitched his voice, pouted and purposely acted horribly. Hands clasped together on his chest and blinking rapidly. Lily would never sound or act like that. But anything to get under Severus's skin. To make him see how insane his plan was.
"You're my hero Sev! You saved me from a comfortable life with a loving family!"
"CRUCIO!"
There was no way to dodge or avoid being hit by the spell. The red light flashed and hit him square in the chest. Pain rushed over him and seemed to reach every part of his body. As if a thousand little needles were stabbing him everywhere. His body contorted, he didn't feel like he was in control anymore. All his muscles cramped into pain.
Then suddenly the stabbing pain was gone and he had control over his limbs again. Not that it improved the situation much as more pain registered in his brain. Pain in his back and shoulders, head pounding in several places. He was apparently on the ground now and it stung against his limbs. Cold seeping through his clothes making his cramped-up muscles stiff and unmovable. His mouth was dry. But when he tried to swallow it felt like someone was rubbing sandpaper in his throat.
"Who's the pathetic bitch now," the words were like venom spat at him.
"Crucio."
The pain returned and it didn't let up for a long time. He had no idea how long he lay there. Every muscle in his body was screaming in pain. It felt like his skin was slowly being stripped away from his flesh. Leaving him open and raw. He could feel his heart pounding in his head. Any moment his veins were going to burst. He was screaming, crying. But no begging. He refused to let those words pass his lips. Even now. Rather death than give in. At least all of this was finally done. Finally, peace.
Abruptly the pain stopped again. He had no idea why but he took the chance he had. Taking in deep gulps of air, his lungs burning with every intake he did. There was at least one thing clear. No matter what they already gone through, Severus truly hated him. After all, you had to actually mean it for a Cruciatus curse to work. He didn’t just want to hurt Remus, he clearly took great pleasure in it.
A sharp pain in his side made him cry out. It took him a while to realise what was happening. It only clicked when a weight pressed on his chest. Severus's boot. He was being kicked and trampled on.
"I should end your pathetic life and make a rug out of you. That way you at least serve a purpose."
The weight on his chest disappeared and he felt like he could breathe again. Not that it improved his situation much. His breaths came in short bursts, black spots darted across his field of view. He tried to swallow. He didn't succeed. It became harder and harder to control his own body. Most of it felt like it was on fire. His head felt ready to explode. He was probably drooling with how difficult it was to swallow.
"Th-eh fckn doit." he managed to mumble, unsure if it was articulated enough or loud enough.
"With pleasure. Sectumsempra!"
That was a spell he was familiar with. Of course, Snape would end his life that way.
He thought he knew the pain of knives after being hit by the Cruciatus curse. He was wrong. The feeling of a sword cutting him open over his torso was agonising. Like he could feel body being split open, the flesh peeling away. He trashed. He choked. Any movement he made increased the feeling of slowly being drained. Yet it was impossible to lie still. He attempted to raise his hands, wanting to... He wasn’t certain. Push the wound close? Ripping it further open so it was finally finished?
Then it stopped. He gasped, trying desperately to get air back in his body. Every breath hurt, lungs burning, throat raw. A few muscles were impossible to move, feeling like lead. Others were shaking, spasming. His chest felt numb, like there was nothing there. He was certain his eyes were open, but they saw nothing. His ears were supposed to work, though it was as if instead he could hear the blood rushing in his veins.
Was this what dying felt like?
Too bad it hurt so much. He had hoped that when he finally died, the pain would be gone. But it was still here. It was still all consuming.
The world was confusing. It almost felt like the pain was slowly pulled out of him. It was still there. It still burned hot, made his limps tingle and raw. But the edge, the worse of it was slowly taken away from him. As if someone had taken a needle and was ever so slowly sewing his chest back together.
He took in a deep breath and whimpered. He wasn't sure whether it was because he could finally actually breath again. Or if every single breath still hurt.
"Don't you dare fucking die on me now Lupin." He wasn't sure who said it. What did those words even mean? He was dying, wasn't he? The voice should just let him die.
"Come on you animal. I'm not letting you die before you've been useful."
"Oww" He tried to say. He didn't succeed. While he finally felt his tongue again, it was bleeding and swollen in his mouth. Not that he could feel that pain. Everything else hurt too much for it to stand out. At least his ears were working a little bit. Though every word felt like another hammer to the head. But they were working better than his eyes at the moment. They saw just black everywhere.
"The fuck is wrong with you Snape?!"
He flinched because of the loud sound, then cried out in pain because he flinched.
"We're better off without that filth."
"We're better off without you too if this is how you are going to act! What's next? You're going to poison our food? Murder us in our sleep?"
The voices were so loud and so painful. He barely registered what it was that they were yelling about. It was as if his brain tried to nudge him, but instead it only increased the painful pounding. Another wave of relief hit him. As if someone carefully took a layer of pain off of him. He tried and was finally able to swallow. The taste of iron stinging in his mouth.
"Lllly," he muttered, blood trickling out of his mouth as he attempted to say it. That had been what his brain was trying to tell him so badly. Lily. Why though? He wasn’t sure. It probably didn't matter.
"What did he say?"
"Lily. I think- for fucks sake Lupin stop moving. Merlin’s balls there is blood everywhere."
"I don't think he's in control of his body. The fuck did you do you pathetic son of a whore!?”
"Lily? Are you fucking serious? Are you still after that bitch Snape? We are trying to stop a war from happening and you can only think with your dick?"
"Guys! I need potions, now! I don't know if he's gonna make it-"
There were so many voices. All spoke so loudly and at once. It was impossible the follow. It was a complete sensory overload. Combined with the pain that kept on coming back, then disappearing again. It was so much to deal with.
He blinked a few times and was still unable to see anything. Would he ever see anything again? Maybe it was better if he didn't. Why was he still fighting? It wasn't as if anyone cared that he would be gone. No one would morn him. No one would weep for him. Maybe it was better. One less monster on this earth.
"Hurry the fuck up I'm losing him!"