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In his dreams, he could see properly.
He was in the old fortress again, running through cold stone halls, panic swirling in his chest because he shouldn’t be here but he couldn’t find a way out. He was a vampire, and this was the home of hunters; halls he’d once walked at ease because he’d had a right to now drawing him deeper and deeper into hell.
Behind him, Eikka raged. “You’re a monster, Niko!” he bellowed, relentlessly pursuing him. “You might have once been great, but your own arrogance was your undoing, and now you pollute the earth!”
Leave me alone! Niko wanted to shout back, fear hammering hard in his chest. Just go away and leave me alone, but of course Eikka wouldn’t. He was a hunter, just like Niko had once been, and as his old mentor it was almost his responsibility to kill him.
Niko knew he should stop running and face his fate. He should let Eikka catch up to him, because Eikka was the man who made him into the first monster, and this was how it went. Arde was right to hate him, and Joel’s love was selfish; a burden Niko knew he should rightfully reject.
And it wasn’t like it would be hard. He’d already died once; he knew what came next. It would be so easy, so natural to just give up, and yet his legs carried him onwards. Vampiric endurance took him on as if he was trapped in his body, but hadn’t he always been? He’d never asked for any of this, it had all just happened to him, and maybe if he could stop he’d be at peace, but he couldn’t.
He tried hiding, locking himself in one room and climbing out to the balcony to reenter the fortress from the next room, but still Eikka pursued him. “Oh, Niko,” he crooned, and Niko couldn’t see him, and that was the worst part. He ran to the cupboard and shut it behind him, fear strangling him as he watched Eikka climb through the window and stalk around the room like a panther, his silver dagger in his hand. “What a coward you are. I thought I raised you better than this, but it seems I was wrong.” He swung the dagger experimentally, and the swooshing noise made Niko flinch, eyes pressed to the crack in the door.
He waited, barely knowing what he was waiting for, feeling rooted to the spot now he’d finally stopped running. Eikka paced in a big circle, eyeing up everything like he was trying to peer through wood and stone and plaster. “I’d ask how it feels to turn into that which you once vowed to destroy, but I don’t really care. I’m too disappointed in you. You’ve got the chance to do the right thing, and yet you don’t do it.” He crossed to the other cupboard, opening it in case Niko had hidden there, and then Niko couldn’t help it. He burst free from his hiding place, running for the door. Behind him, Eikka bellowed with rage, and Niko’s hands shook as he reached for the doorknob. It was cold under his hands, and he yanked it open, ready to run again.
Eikka’s knife bit colder, sliding between ribs. Then it began to sting, silver burning him.
The dream stayed with Niko all day. He kept it to himself, because Niilo was dead and they were ready to go home, Jimi and his coven gone ahead of them, but he couldn’t share the others’ weary relief.
What even was home? Ever since his village had been razed he’d never found a place he belonged, just places he’d been dumped in. His old base was perhaps the closest he could get to home anymore, kitted out to befit a monster, but it was either destroyed or now someone else’s home. The cottage had been his home for two years, but the prospect of returning there made him feel queasy after everything that had happened in Helsinki. Arde was right, but the others wouldn’t see it, so he sipped blood when it was offered and tried to pretend everything was fine so no one asked any questions.
He was rotten. He was a walking corpse; a shade living something less than a half life he’d never wanted. Death had brought him oblivion, nothing, and it had been peaceful. Maybe more than he deserved, but he didn’t care anymore.
So he said his goodnights an hour before dawn, not having to pretend he was tired. The others would all stay up for a while, he knew, chatting by the fire in the kitchen, and it was so easy to slip out of the servants’ entrance. He shut the door as quietly as he could behind him, feeling the cool breeze on his cheeks, and took a deep breath before turning to face the city.
He could barely see a thing in the twilight. His eyesight was slowly deteriorating, and he knew it would be only a matter of months before he was fully blind. Hannes hadn’t brought him back properly, and why would he? None of this had ever been in his grand plan. The nest had been meant to feed on him until they were strong, and whilst Hannes had said Niko would have been free to lead whatever life he’d wished, Niko knew they’d have killed him. He’d had two years of borrowed time, but the thought of eternity ahead of him felt like a trial to be endured.
The nest would never be able to properly integrate with vampire society with him as a part of it, because their kind had long memories and he’d done so much. He was holding them back, and if Joel wouldn’t let go he’d do it for him and save them all some wasted time.
Tears blurred his vision for a moment before he blinked them away, stepping down to the street. There were some humans out and about; all servants on errands, and he briefly wondered if he could have been like them if things had been different.
It didn’t matter. Things hadn’t been different, so here he was, walking carefully down streets that had once been familiar. The townhouse disappeared behind him, old and crumbling and horrible, and with every step he felt lighter, the release of relief unfurling in his stomach. The streets grew more and more familiar, and soon he was passing the butcher’s shop where he’d once bought pig's blood to keep vampires alive with. Beyond it was the grocers where the owner's daughter had been sweet on him until she realised he was with the Fire, and past that was the pub he’d ensnared so many vampires in.
Memories pressed in, guilt stripping his soul down until the relief was a shadow he barely thought he’d truly felt. They clung to him like ghouls, teeth tearing away at him, but if this was the price it took, then so be it.
Not once did he look back. Behind him was everything, his sins and Joel’s persistent love the shackles weighing him down, and before him was the sweetness of nothing.
The fortress was as big and dark and imposing as ever. Niko eyed it up, remembering hearing townsfolk refer to it as the cage of monsters, and maybe it was fitting that he’d come back here. Monsters begot monsters, so where better for him to be than the place where the wheel had come full circle so the story could finally end?
I’ll see if Eikka is still there, he decided, peering at the building from the street corner. It should be Eikka’s right to deal with him, after all.
The thought made absurd fear jolt through him, freezing him to the pavement. He knew Eikka, knew what he was capable of, and even if it was right that he gave the horrors he’d once doled out, he was a coward at heart.
The sun was coming up, though, so he didn’t have much time. What would happen next was justice, cold and hard and unavoidable, so he forced himself to take a step forwards towards the Fire’s fortress.
Behind me is everything, but in front of me is nothing.