Chapter Text

Once more the hands of the clock have spun their cycle. Once more the pages of the calendar have fallen away, leaving us in the here and now. October, dear readers! The spookiest month of them all!

And as a chill autumn wind cuts through the air, its howl like that of the restless damned just waiting to tour the world again on their special night, we find ourselves at a familiar residence.

On a quiet- well, formerly quiet street in some sleepy little suburb sits a home. It’s one you’ve toured many times no doubt. One whose host is about to face the greatest terror of his surprisingly durable mortal life.

Now you might be asking yourself what a man that dances with demons yet fears? Well, sit back, relax, and let this old soul show you…

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“Hon do we really have to keep checking over the decorations? We already spent the last week renovating the whole house!” The Helltaker sighed, hefting a box of plastic spiders and skulls.

“Hush, mortal! You of all people should know how incessant humanity can get about Christmas!” Lucifer sneered then spat. Her saliva burning a hole in the carpet.

“They’re already selling supplies for it in some stores! If those braindead sheep can engage in their hollow merriment so well in advance, then you can be damned-sure that I will enjoy every second of the one month I can walk about with my horns held high! AND have the best-looking house in the neighborhood during it!”

“Is this to get back at Miss Smit-?“

“Oh is this to get back at Miss Smith OF COURSE IT’S TO ONE UP THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS COW!” She snapped. “That woman is almost as insufferable as my goody two-shoes brother! Lording her meager authority as head of the HOA over me as if her soul isn’t already destined to land in my grasp someday!”

“Isn’t she a church mom?”

“She’s dropped more hard-R’s than a clansman and she’s cheating on her husband with the pool guy.”

Taker recalled the neighbor in question for all of two seconds before shrugging as if to say “yeah, she’d probably do something like that.”

“She’s made eyes at you too, here and there. Despite me being right beside you.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“It both amuses me that you never even noticed and proves just how much she overestimates herself. Bitch had some work done anyways, not like she has anything to actually brag about! But yes! Our home must be immaculately macabre and supremely spooky this year! That egotistical airhead has pulled out all the stops for the Halloween Home Competition and I refuse to lose! If Michael won’t pull the stick out of her ass long enough for me to collect her decrepit soul early, the least I can do is show her up at her own game! Ah, the schadenfreude of her having to look me- her most hated foe-! in the eye as she hands me the award!”

“You mean ‘hands us’ right?”

“Tomato to-mah-toe.” Lucifer deflected. “The point is I- we- will be living rent free in that bitch’s head for weeks if we can pull this off!”

“About that.” Zdrada finally piped up, struggling under the weight of several boxes. “Why the hell can’t you just magic up the decorations?”

“See again my fascist bitch of a sister. Apparently we’re “on probation” until Halloween proper so magic is only allowed in emergency situations. Otherwise she’ll be sending us back to Hell.”

“She can do that?” The Helltaker frowned.

“Between me, Justice, Judgement and that obese fly you insisted on freeing-“

“Love you too Luci.” Beel grumbled, flipping her off before returning to hand-knitting spiderweb decorations.

“-She doesn’t stand a chance. But she ranks high enough to call in other noteworthy angels to back her up. It’s been ages since any of them were in a proper fight but I still know for a fact the house would get demolished in the crossfire. I’m not about to lose my favorite vacation home!”

“And my actual home!” The Helltaker reminded.

“Yes, that too. Hence we must do things the old fashioned way.”

“We? You’ve just been standing there barking orders ever since we started!” Malina shouted.

“Yes, because I am a queen. Such is my right.”

“Your Highness, why couldn’t you make use of the skeletal minions?” A particularly exhausted Pandemonica asked.

“Again, probation. Perhaps letting them walk free of our realm like we did wouldn’t count, but I don’t need to give Michael any more ammunition. Speaking of which where is Cerberus?”

“You said she could have a break for the morning so long as she came back to help by noon.” Helltaker answered.

“…It’s sunset.”

“Really? But the clock says it’s still morning.” He said pointing to the clock in question. A shabbily drawn-over paper plate taped atop it with a sticky note reading “Totally still 11AM” attached below. One that fell off shortly after he noticed it.

“…Why do I keep falling for that?”

“This is a disaster!” Lucifer roared.

“Wait, how long have you been working us!?”

“Shut up! We need to find those troublemakers immediately lest they give my heavenly counterpart a reason to get off her ass and actually do something aside from condescend!”

“Didn’t she beat you senseless when we were banished from Heav-“

“I SAID SHUT! UP!!!” Lucifer shrieked at Beel, the fly taking amusement in her rage as her lover hugged her from behind.

“Breeeaaathe. I’m sure it’ll be fine. They’ll turn up!”

No sooner had he said that than came a knock at the door. A haggard older woman on the other side looking none too pleased. Probably because all three Cerberuses (Cerberii?) were gnawing on her.

“O-Oh! Heeey Jannett, how you uh… how you doing?”

“They were in my house again Solomon.” She grumbled.

“Really sorry about-“

“They destroyed my backyard again, Solomon.”

“I promise they won’t-“

“They’re BITING me, Solomon!”

“I… can see that.”

With surprising strength she flung the devil dogs one by one, their bodies crashlanding throughout the living room beyond much to Lucifer’s frustration.

“Watch where you’re throwing those you old bat!”

“Oh so I have to be careful where they end up? How about you!? This is the thirteenth time I’ve had to march my aching hip over here to get rid of them!”

“And I cannot express how sorry I am about that, I’ll pay for all necessary damages-“

“Oh you’ll pay alright!”

“That’s… what I said?”

“Ignore her dear. Seems she’s finally going senile in her twilight years.” Lucifer said with a smirk, glaring down at the smaller woman.

“Oh that is IT! You want to make this neighborhood miserable for everyone else with these hellish hussies of yours!? Well two can play at that game mister!” She shouted, spittle flying in his face as she half-stomped half-waddled two doors down back to her own home.

“Shit, you think she’s calling the cops again?” Malina observed, taking advantage of the distraction to uncork some vodka.

“Hope so. That detective’s got a nice ass.” Zdrada purred.

“How the fuck are we related?”

“I’m your preordained punishment for being such a sour nerd~”

“Wow, you actually managed to use a word beyond a 5th-grade reading level. I’m impressed.”

Any further snark between the sisters was interrupted by the sudden sounds of cracking thunder as the wind whipped and roared. A devious cackle ringing out as a dark shape sped across the sky above.

“What the fu- JANETT!?” Helltaker shouted.

“She’s not just a bitch, she’s a witch!”

“That’s right, Morningstar! Best part is you don’t even have a claim on my soul to stop me with! I’m a pagan! EEHEHEHEHEE!

“DAMNIT! Bitten in the ass by neo-paganism of all things! Oh well, Taker, shoot her down.”

“What but I can’t just-!”

“She’s violating our airspace.”

“That’s not a thing! Only governments have those!”

“She’s invading our property.”

“I think she’s a story or two above the property line.”

“She’s being loud.”

“Babe you can’t legally shoot someone just for being annoying!”

“Well how about casting a hex on our entire house!? Because it’s starting to get glowy and you’re still not stopping her! God, you’re being insufferably meek right now!”

“You were just explaining to us we can’t cause any problems this month! You really think the cops are gonna take our side if they see her bleeding out on the roof!? Like ‘Oh sorry officer we promise the occult magics were her fault this time, not ours!’ Yeah they’ll totally believe that!”

The whole world shook as the storm reached its crescendo. The reddish glow growing brighter and brighter until the crimson hue shifted in on itself and took a new form. That of a… giant arrow? With coordinates above it?

“Is… wait that’s just my address.”

“Yup.” Janett answered, floating down on her broom and now sporting the pointy hat all witches were obligated to wear for fashion’s sake.

“That’s it?”

“Well, now anyone else that has a problem with you knows where to look. This thing is worldwide, bucko!”

“Worldwide. Wait is this one of those ‘doxxing’ things Malina’s always threatening people with!?”

“Hey if they didn’t want their IP leaked they shouldn’t have camped!” She shrieked somewhere in the background.

“Yup! Now maybe you’ll know how it feels to deal with a bunch of psychos intruding on your premises!”

“I made you pancakes!”

“That was one time! And pancakes don’t pay for broken windows! Or broken plumbing!”

“Plumbing?”

“We tried flushing a body down her toilet.”
“It didn’t go too well.”
“Even after we turned it into smaller pieces!” Cerberus explained.

“…Okay I’m starting to see why you’re so mad. But are you sure there’s not some way we can resolve thiaaand she’s gone. Great.”

“Would the spell go away if we kill her?” Malina asked.

“Are you offering?” Lucifer answered.

“You barely pay me enough to clean. Killing someone is way too much effort. Just wondering, is all.”

“Okay even if it did, that’d be wrong.” Taker said. Sighing when he saw everyone look at him with confused expressions. “And it would get the cops on our case. Probably Michael too.”

“Damnit you’re right. Well, who might we have to worry about? Criminal organizations?”

“No, I liquidated any that I used to be a part of.”

“Kickass!” Justice smiled. “But what about evil twins and/or family members?”

“Rather not talk about my family but I can safely say there won’t be any issues on that front.”

“That’s vague. Rivals?”

“I mean I knew this one kid growing up that was as obsessed with aliens as I am with demon girls. Last time I heard from him he moved to Delmarva and kept ranting about like… gemstones? Not sure what was up with that. But yeah that’s the closest I ever had to one of those. Doubt he’ll be a problem.”

“Hm. Any jilted ex-lovers we might need to worry about then?” Beelzebub teased. Frowning when she noticed her paramour start to panic after a moment’s consideration.

“Oh… fuuuck…”

“Why’re you so worried big guy? We’re demons. Even if you stuck your dick in crazy doubt they could do anything to actually hurt us.” Zdrada tried to soothe.

“I dove into Hell and rounded all of you up after a wet dream. You are ancient evils, unknowable abominations and pillars of eldritch might.”

“C-CEASE YOUR FLATTERY! You’re making me blush!” Judgement demanded.

“I didn’t stick my dick in crazy. Crazy I can deal with. I stuck my dick in dangerous. Stop and think about how bad someone would have to be for me to label them that given everything I know you can- and have- done to me.”

“…So like they’re absolute freaks?” Modeus asked.

“That’s putting it lightly.”

“I fail to see the problem.”

“You fail to see when the pizza delivery guy is passing out from lack of oxygen too!”

“I ONLY DID THAT TWICE!”

“Mr. Taker, perhaps it’d be for the best if you made a mental list of your exes? And narrowed it down to those that’d have sufficient grievance with you to come all the way out here?”

“Or those that could actually pose a threat to us? Both, if you want.” Azazel and Lucifer suggested respectively.

Taker nodded and started mumbling under his breath, counting then re-counting on his fingers with various noises of discomfort and concern.

“Alright realistically there’s seven that could be major problems.”

“Seven evil exes? The fuck is this, Scott Pilgrim?”

“Miss Malina, you read comics too?”

“I pirated the arcade game and the movie.”

“Alright. So there’s seven of them in all. Did you date them at the same time, or-?” Pandemonica asked.

“NO! No, God no. At least half of them would’ve tried killing each other.”

“…Ahem?” Beelzebub cleared her throat, opening up a bunch of little portals with tentacles to point at herself, Lucifer, Judgement and Justice.

“I was able to calm you all down with pancakes. Some of them were genuinely unhinged.”

“Why did you get involved with them then?”

“Gee I dunno Pandemonica! Maybe it’s because most people don’t fly their red flags right out the gate!?”

“Don’t cop an attitude with me.”

“Yesma’amsorryma’amwon’thappenagainma’am.” He whimpered, back still sore from her last ‘punishment session.’

“Calm down big guy. Whoever these chicks are I’m sure we can just talk it out with them.” Justice offered with a hand on his shoulder. “And if not, we can totally kick their asses!”

“Y-you’d be surprised…” Taker muttered, eyes distant and haunted.

“Well that’s enough distractions for one afternoon, I’d say. Cerberus! You can make up for causing this mess by getting to work!”

“Does that mean we can finally have a break?”

“Pan, you know your next one isn’t scheduled for another few years. Chop chop!”

The house returned to their toil with groans. Blissfully unaware of the myriad eyes now turned towards them.

Suffice to say, this Halloween would have far more tricks than treats.