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Before You Go
“Was there something I could have said to make your heartbeat better?
If only I had known you had a storm to weather”.
- Lewis Capaldi, Before You Go.
“Perhaps that was another part of your planned entrapment”.
“Using god knows what wiles to entrap him”.
Penelope closed her eyes, willing herself to forget the disdainful, cold way that Colin had looked at her that morning. Or the way that he had parroted her mother’s harsh words right back at her as if the only way she could have possibly got him to propose to her was through trickery and scheming.
Eloise was perhaps right, there was no way that Colin could love her, especially now he had uncovered the ugliest parts of her soul. He was too good, too kind to love someone like her.
She clutched her dark robe tighter around her body as the carriage took her away in the dead of the night.
It hadn’t been too hard to make the arrangements and slip out of the Featherington House unnoticed. The only real risk was Rae, but she had waited until her maid had retired for the evening before slipping into a simple maid’s dress and grabbing her clock and a bag of clothes and belongings. Her Whistledown earnings remained tucked tightly at the bottom, ready to help her start a new life far away from the prying ears and eyes of the ton. Away from Colin who would undoubtedly feel nothing but relieved when he received her note in the morning along with his ring, freeing him from all obligation to her.
Penelope would never, ever force Colin into marrying her the way her cousin had tried to. She had not allowed Marina to do it and would not allow herself to either. She had not set out to trick, scheme or trap Colin but by withholding the truth and lying with him, Penelope knew she had inadvertently done so. She would not make him marry her out of obligation. Nothing would break her more than knowing that he only married her out of a sense of duty.
She had loved him since she was a child. Most of her life was made up of dreaming and imagining being Mrs Colin Bridgerton. She would not allow those dreams to be tainted with the bitter, harsh reality that her husband hated her and could not stand to touch her or be in her company. Penelope would do this for Colin so he would be free of her, and she would spend the rest of her life alone as she deserved. Eloise would undoubtedly be pleased that she had permanently rid herself of Penelope’s presence altogether. She could enjoy her friendship with Cressida and forget that Penelope had ever existed as all the Bridgerton’s surely would once they knew she was Lady Whistledown.
A traitorous tear slipped from her eye as she tried to ignore the gaping hole in her chest. No doubt she would feel the aching absence of Colin and Eloise for the rest of her life, but she would not stay where she was not wanted. And if she had merely broken off the engagement, Penelope knew that it would not be enough and would possibly mar the Bridgerton's good name. Her only choice to free him was to vanish into the night and all the blame would remain on her shoulders.
She hoped in time that she would make peace with the fact that Eloise and Colin only ever truly cared for the idea of Penelope that she allowed them to have. The real Penelope who was gossipy, sharp-witted and sometimes even cruel was not someone they wished to know. Perhaps in a new place, she could become someone entirely new as well. Someone worth knowing, someone deserving of love.
Eight Months Later…
Penelope stared out at the ocean as she rubbed her swollen belly and wondered if her child would look more like her or their father.
As she felt the babe give a sharp kick, some part of her felt sorrow over the thought that Colin may not ever know his child or that their child may not know their father. He would have been a wonderful papa; she knew without a doubt. But by the time she had figured out that she was with child, Penelope had already left Mayfair behind and started her new life as a widower in the small coastal village in Cornwall.
When she had arrived, she had used her Whistledown funds to purchase an idyllic cottage near the beach. It was so peaceful and quiet, a refreshing contrast to the constant noise and buzz of London society. The people in the village were kind and friendly and she was able to find a young woman looking for work to take on as her maid. After all, it’s not as if she had left her home with the necessary skills to live fully independently.
It was a month into her new life that her maid, Eleanor, had brought up that she had not bled, and Penelope discovered she was with child. She had only laid with Colin one time and apparently, that was all it had taken. It was ironic when she thought about Marina and now, she was in similar circumstances except the baby’s father was alive and she was lucky enough to be able to support herself without the desperate need for a husband.
It was fortunate that there was a local village doctor and a couple of women who worked as midwives who were more than happy to help her. The village was quite compassionate towards who they thought was a pregnant, young widower. Penelope felt bad for the pretence, but she didn’t think that they would quite understand a young unwed mother running off by herself from everything she had ever known.
As sand got between her toes and the sea breeze blew her long, red locks across her shoulders, Penelope decided to start making the trek back. She dared not venture too far in her condition in case she went into labour by herself and was unable to seek help.
Upon returning to her cottage, Penelope was startled to see a tall shadow lurking in front of her door. The shadow stepped forward and she gasped upon recognising Colin. He looked a lot rougher than when she had last seen him, his hair unkempt and a slight beard growing. His dark blue eyes fell on her and onto her belly and he paled under the darkening sky.
“Penelope”.
“Colin!” she gasped, almost stumbling in her shock. He quickly swooped forward and grabbed her, saving her from falling.
“You are with child”, he said, gently holding her by her waist.
“Yes”, Penelope swallowed nervously. She felt ill, why was he even here? Penelope had not thought he would have wished to see her again. Perhaps he had more to say to her that he wished to get off his chest. But she doubted that he would leave her now that he was aware she was carrying his baby.
“Why did you leave?” Colin’s voice was rough with distress. “Why did you not tell me you were with child?”
“Colin, I left because I thought that was what you wanted!” she cried. “You told me I had entrapped you and I did not, could not let you feel forced into a marriage that you did not want. Marina had already tried that with you and I…I could not bear you thinking that I also wished to do the same thing”.
“For god’s sake Penelope”, he choked out hoarsely. “I said that in anger to hurt you. I did not mean it. I never thought you had entrapped me. If anything, it was the other way around. I was hurting and I wished to hurt you the same way”.
“Eloise had told me that once you knew me, the real me, you would not love me. I thought that she was correct, and I did not want you to be stuck with me”, Penelope continued, tears streaming from the months of heartbreak she had endured, for Colin’s reappearance and for having to relive some of the worst moments of her life. She was overcome right now and perhaps Colin could see as much as he began to steer her towards the door.
“Eloise does not know my mind or my heart and apparently neither do you”, Colin huffed. “Let us go inside and talk, you must sit down and rest”.
She allowed him to walk her in and thankfully, Eleanor had gone home by this point, leaving them some privacy as they settled in on a sofa in her living room.
“I will admit that finding out that you were Whistledown was a shock, and I felt betrayed by the things you had written but at no point did that mean I stopped loving you, Pen”, Colin told her, taking one of her hands into his. “When I learned you were gone, that you had left, it felt like you had taken my whole world with you. I was a shell for weeks, feeling nothing but cold despair until Anthony announced that his investigator had found a lead in the search for you”.
“I thought I was freeing you, Colin”, Penelope’s lips quivered. “I did not know I was with child until I had already left”.
“You could have written to me”, Colin said, his eyes filled with hurt. “Did you not think I would come? Did you think I would be a poor father after everything?”
“No! No, Colin”, Penelope quickly assured him. “I was just…scared and overwhelmed and the last memory of you kept playing in my head and making me freeze every time I tried to put quill to paper and try to write to you. I know you’ll make an excellent father, Colin. That was never in question”.
Her eyes fell to Colin’s throat as he swallowed. “I tracked you down here because I love you, Pen and I never in a million years wish to be ‘free’ of you. I want to be your husband. All those feelings I’d had about Whistledown, well I realised that you never hid those parts of yourself from me, I just did not see them. I went back and re-read all your letters, the ones I had always been most eager to read and realised that there was no separating you from her. You’d always had one voice, a voice that I had always adored without even realising”.
A teary smile appeared on his face as he tenderly wiped hers from her rosy cheeks. “With the time apart, I was able to realise that all the things you wrote of me, of my family, they all had a purpose. You were protecting me from Marina after I failed to listen to your attempt at discreetly warning me, Eloise told me about the Queen’s threat and why you wrote what you did”.
Penelope blinked, surprised.
Colin continued, his hand still holding her face in a loving caress. “Mama reminded me that for all the bad that was written, the Bridgerton’s had benefited from the column more than anyone. Daphne was saved from marrying Berbrook, you helped the ton accept Kate and Anthony’s marriage, you saved me from being entrapped…all the things I was angry about…well, I think it was mostly my pride and…I was jealous, not to mention scared of what the Queen might do if she discovered you”.
She frowned, confused. “Jealous?”
To her surprise, Colin blushed beneath his light beard. “I felt like a fool, talking about my journals with you whilst all this time you had been a published writer, renowned in all of Mayfair”.
“Colin, I meant what I said. Your writing is incredible, and I do think you ought to publish them”, Penelope insisted, distraught that he thought so lowly of himself. And that she had run off without giving them a proper chance to communicate any of this. She realised now that she may have been hasty in letting her emotions make impulsive decisions for her and assuming that Colin did not wish for her any longer.
“I love you; Penelope, and I will never let my stupid pride or thoughtless words drive you away from me ever again. And I promise that if you have me, I will endeavour to be the most wonderful of husbands to you and father to our child”, he looked at her belly with eyes full of tears. She grabbed his hand and placed it on her round bump, smiling watery when the baby kicked.
“Was that…?”
“That was your son or daughter”, she confirmed, and he bent down to rest his head against her belly.
“I swear, Pen, I will never allow you, ever again, to believe for one moment that you are not wanted most ardently”, Colin vowed, kissing her bump where their child had kicked moments ago. “I am begging of you that you will allow me to marry you and be your husband as I should have been months ago”.
“Of course, Colin. I have wished nothing more than to be your wife”, Penelope cried as he sat up and pulled her in for a rather sloppy, wet kiss but one that was full of unbridled emotion. “I have missed you so much”.
Three days later, the two of them were wedded by the local vicar after Penelope had approached him in private and confessed to what was going on. Thankfully the vicar was quickly endeared to them by their love story and agreed to marry them within days.
After agreeing to return to Mayfair with Colin, once they had sorted out a cover story, she gifted Eleanor with the cottage since she was unwittingly putting her out of work and a day before they were expected to leave, Penelope went into labour with Colin at her side and the village midwives delivering.
It was at the start of a new social season that found Colin and Penelope Bridgerton returning to Mayfair with their son, the new Lord Featherington, in tow. Their arrival quickly sent the ton abuzz, but it was their families that were most excited about their return. A new edition of Lady Whistledown was quick to put to rest any talk of Penelope’s absence and Colin soon published his journals as a best-selling book with his wife’s help and support.
With a new season of balls and soirees, it quickly became apparent that Colin and Penelope Bridgerton were one of the happiest couples in the ton, barely able to stay more than two minutes away from each other after months of separation. Anyone who doubted their love match and quiet marriage was quickly silenced by the shameless number of dances that Mr Bridgerton shared with his captivating wife.