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His grandfather stands behind him as Kageyama walks ahead. The sun sets in the distance, creating an eclipse of colors that surround them like they were trapped in a painting. Kageyama is panting slightly from his game that just wrapped up, he fiddles with his shirt hem while he thinks about it.
“Tobio. There are at the end of the game…did you go easy with your serves on purpose?” Kageyama makes a face, then like a confronted child, looks away with a confused scowl. Kazuyo grins at his grandson’s innocence but watches as he begins to speak.
Kageyama explains his need of wanting to play more and more and his need to be on that court as if he was dying of thirst. Kazuyo looks up at the sky with a profound sense of pride but worries Kageyama was looking at the game all wrong.
“Y’know, Tobio…if you get really really good, you’ll get to play a lot more games. The best players get to play lots and lots of volleyball.”
“Really?” Kageyama is fascinated now, eyes wide. Kazuyo turns Kageyama towards him, looking down with a stern yet confident expression.
“If you get really good…I promise you…somebody who’s even better will come and find you.” Kageyama opens his mouth in shock, eyes twinkling with amazement. His grandfather grins proudly, offering a hand to walk down the stairs together.
Kageyama begins to ask, “How will I know?”
“You won’t,” Kazuyo simply shrugs. “You may very much hate them at first. You have no idea who life will throw at you, Tobio. That’s the joy of it all, it’ll be like nothing you’ve seen before. Now, do you want some pork curry?”
Kageyama smiles.
His name is Oikawa.
Kageyama thinks - no, he knows - he’s pretty cool, extremely talented too.
He happens to be a third year and the starter setter for Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High. His jump serves were not only impressive but lethal, Kageyama is drawn to the way Oikawa holds the ball in his hands and approaches his teammates. Kageyama was already skilled but he knows Oikawa holds a book of knowledge only he can access. So, some days Kageyama observes him from the bench with his heart swelling in sheer desire to learn what Oikawa knows so naturally.
He feels suddenly guilty when he catches Oikawa frantically looking at him for a few seconds. The look reminds Kageyama of when he’d catch his grandfather sitting in the dark alone, emotionally strained from a doctor’s appointment. He knows what it was like to get teased by older kids at times, he thinks of Miwa and her comments but this look isn’t that.
He decides to not think much of it, maybe Oikawa was wanting to befriend him. He stands and approaches the setter with a question - he wants to learn that jump serve.
Oikawa simply turns in silence, looking at him with disbelief. Kageyama stands still, holding the ball and cradling the hope Oikawa would be that better person he was meant to find; be nice and approach him.
Oikawa denies him passionately then exits, leaving Kageyama in the dust with his motto ringing in his mind after Iwaizumi tells him to stop.
Kageyama stares at the floor but then remembers what his grandfather said.
You may very much hate them at first.
Kageyama picks his head up and decides he can’t give up hope, at least not yet.
He persists with his requests but Oikawa keeps declining. He notices how Oikawa’s behavior shifts through his sloppy sets, mood swings, or the frustrated cries he shouts at Iwaizumi. Kageyama counts the warnings Oikawa receives in his mind during their match, almost feeling sorry for him. The coach calls Kageyama to sub in for Oikawa, he widens his eyes in surprise but excitement takes over him. He shyly waits for Oikawa to trudge his feet over to them and when he does, Oikawa lingers, taking a few breaths before moving to the bench; in a trance. Kageyama looks over before the rally starts to see Oikawa hanging his head low, hands plastered to his knees.
He wonders if he caused this.
“He was moved to the hospital today.” Kageyama glances up at Miwa and knows she wasn't referencing their parents since they were gone for work again.
“Is that bad?” Kageyama asks softly as Miwa grasps her chopsticks more firmly, looking at her food intensely.
Silence fills the air as Kageyama waits for the answer. Her tone comes out fragile as glass.
“He’s really sick, Tobio.” She bites her lip while tears slip down her cheek, dropping her chopsticks with shaky hands.
Kageyama understands.
He could only nod.
Oikawa is angrier now, he mocks Kageyama more than before. He’s panicked and still careless, but he works harder than before. Iwaizumi pulls him back more often, annoyed that Oikawa is overworking. Kageyama usually stands there with a blank stare, not knowing how to react. There was too much on his mind to even bother. Why does Miwa never want to go into the hospital room to see him? Why are their parents suddenly rushing home to be with their children? Why is his grandfather so sick?
He wheels the volleyball cart back in the closest with a frown, tired from it all.
Kageyama watches a few kids leave the gym, laughing together about some homework. Kageyama averts his attention to Oikawa serving the last ball over the net, it was a huge mess. He notices that Oikawa is heaving for air bent over and Iwaizumi is watching from the doorway. Kageyama walks towards him, wanting to try one more time.
Maybe I can tell him that Ji-chan went to Shiratorizawa and the tips that he gave me, Kageyama tells himself now hoping to make a friend in Oikawa.
“Oikawa-san!” Iwaizumu gets startled, “Please teach me how to serve.”
He responds by turning his head, sucking in his breath. Kageyama refuses to back down as Oikawa stares at him.
Oikawa hurls his arm around with a mighty thrust in a flash, shouting. Kageyama tries to move but shock paralyzes him, fear paints his face. A slap is made yet feels no contact on him.
“Calm down, you dumbass!” Iwaizumi is there, holding Oikawa’s wrist tightly. Kageyama still couldn't move, he could only watch. Oikawa draws back, ashamed, and Iwaizumi drops his wrist.
“Sorry,” is all he says. Kageyama gulps nervously but Iwaizumi lays a hand on his back.
“Sorry Kageyama, but we’re done for the day.”
“Oh, okay.” Kageyama moves now, taking one last look at Oikawa staring wide-eyed ahead of him, shocked at himself.
He just wanted to see his grandfather now.
“There you are, Tobio.” Kageyama walks in the room, clearly down from Oikawa and his latest exchange. Kazuyo sits in a gown in the hospital bed, taking shallow breaths. Kageyama usually goes to the bedside right away but today he couldn’t. “Don’t be shy, c’mere.” He ushers Tobio close but he refuses.
“Ji-chan, when you said that person would find me, did you mean soon?” Kageyama takes a step closer, his voice is barely a whisper.
“Well, it depends. Do you think it meant that?”
“Uhm…I’m not sure,” Kageyama answers suddenly, refusing to take another step.
“Don’t make me get the nurse, Tobio,” Kazuyo jokingly threatens, “Because I can’t come pick you up. Come sit with me, I missed you dearly. Maybe we can get Miwa here too.”
Kageyama shakes his head before rapidly firing questions. “Why does she not come in here? Why are you sick? Why can’t that person come-” He raises his voice and clutches his fists at his side.
“Tobio. I said come here.” Kazuyo’s tone is laced with seriousness making Kageyama know better than to defy again. He approaches to crawl on the bed with light steps waiting for Kazuyo to open his arms like he always does so he could fall in them. Kazuyo winces in pain since his body is more tender now but he fights it for him. He brushes Kageyama’s bangs away from his face. “First, tell me why you’re so worried about finding this person.”
Kageyama sits up to pull away from Kazuyo’s arms, “Because I want to find them so I can play more volleyball.”
Kazuyo reads him easily like he always does, “I get why you want that but it won’t come if you keep looking like this. It’ll catch you off guard and you’ll be shocked, you’re looking too hard, Tobio. It’s a feeling, not an act.”
“But you said I’d hate them and I hate him…” His voice trails off, “I think I do.”
“Who is this him?” Kazuyo ponders out loud.
“His name is Oikawa. He’s one of the third years in school. His serves are really amazing.”
“Lemme guess, jump serves?”
“Mhm. He’s a really good setter too,” Kageyama makes a bitter face, “But he won’t teach me anything.”
“Well yeah!” It makes Kageyama perk up, “You may be teammates but you’re rivals too.”
“Rivals!” Kageyama’s eyebrows raise, fully entertained. Kazuyo feels a bit more at peace now, seeing that spark make its way homebound to his eyes.
“I wouldn’t call what you feel hate, I think it’s quite the opposite. I believe you just found your first true rivalry, Tobio, I think you’re going to show him some things. Besides, the person that’s better wouldn’t make you question it so much.” He smiles warmly at his boy, “secondly, Miwa is having trouble accepting some things. We shouldn’t force her here if she doesn’t want to be. Give her some time.”
“Is it because she can’t accept that you're sick?”
Kazuyo pauses, “Yes, but that isn’t her fault.”
“Are you not going to be okay?”
The impact of Kageyama’s innocence shot a bullet straight through Kazuyo’s heart. He denied his sickness for many years, fought it off by working himself practically to the grave, and tried to make sure the family was stable before his body gave up. He never feared death - his soul yearned for the day it was free of the constant chronic pain - but knowing he’d leave them behind was the only thing making him delay it.
“Y’know, I hate lying to you, Tobio. I…” Kageyama feels the colors of the hospital walls drain themselves to a lifeless gray as his grandfather struggles to speak. An indescribable pain flashes on Kazuyo’s face and Kageyama is terrified, he has never seen him like this before. Kageyama fights the urge to cry when he sees him close his eyes for a solid moment. When they open again, Kazuyo looks down to see Kageyama snuggled against his side, nestling his head on his stomach with a scrunched face.
Kageyama decides to be honest with a hushed broken whisper carried on the small exhales he released, “I don’t know what I’ll do if you aren’t okay.” Kazuyo holds back a cry as he reaches for those bangs again, twirling them ever so slightly.
“I won’t always be here, that’s just a fact. I won’t sugarcoat this to you or Miwa, I couldn't live with myself if I did…I may not be okay but that doesn’t mean you stop your life because of it. You’re gonna go so far, Tobio. You have no idea.” Kageyama peers up at him with his blue eyes, the pain in them resembling an ocean floor cracking. Kageyama doesn’t answer, he couldn’t seem to answer most things these days. Kazuyo wheezes in pain from talking too long but pushes through with strained strength.
“When I said that better person could come, I needed to make that promise to you. I may not ever meet this person but if I don’t, just know I’ll send them to you then, alright? Just please, Tobio, promise me you’ll remember that and continue being you.” Kazuyo wanted to say more but he’s trembling now, he removes his hand from the boy’s bangs, breathing deeply.
Kageyama giggles that sweet elixir that was better than any of Kazuyo’s medicine, “Sending a person to me sounds funny but…I’ll stop looking. I promise and I swear I’ll remember.” Kazuyo nods proudly with a one single nod but senses a presence in the doorframe.
They turn their heads to see Miwa sheepishly standing there, holding onto one side of the frame with her hands, her knuckles white - she must’ve heard everything.
“Miwa, come here.” Kageyama reaches out to make a grabbing motion. Her face pales for a brief moment but she quietly walks over, crawling on the opposite side of Kageyama. The siblings lay on each side of Kazuyo, letting the silence say the words they couldn’t. Miwa maneuvers her hand to hold Kageyama’s on top of Kazuyo’s abdomen to make wordless promises in exchanged glances.
Kazuyo leans his head back on the pillow, letting out a breath with a faint smile tracing his lips. Somewhere deep inside him, the feeling of satisfaction and love spreads like a wildfire, coating his soul in one final embrace to make the last goodbye.
Maybe it was time to stop delaying it.
Kageyama watches his parents stand in that now-empty hospital room finalizing some papers. It was like his grandfather was never there. The bed was made neatly with new linens, the sun was peeking through the outside windows, and life went on. Miwa sits beside him sniffling quietly. Kageyama peers in the room through the hallway window and notices that the colors on the wall returned, but they were duller than he remembered.
Love claws in his chest like a dog who is chained in a cage; a murder that is grotesque and raw gets painted on the floor from the growls that drip with blood.
Philosophers and scientists take on the behavior of hunters poaching a wild beast, spending countless years trying to study it so they’re accurately capable of describing it with their tongues.
When they finally achieve just that, they mount their game on the wall with a plaque underneath it.
Grief.
Love that is left rotting in your soul.
Kageyama doesn’t believe it, but he desperately wants to.
Was the wave of pressure echoing in his intestines love as well? Was the endless solitude he was banished into proof that love was not always a stranger to him? If it was, maybe he wouldn’t be so angry.
“You’re only children, it gets better with age. You’ll soon cry that it happened instead of crying that it's gone.”
The elders repeat that sentence to Miwa and him at the funeral more than they should, after all, they’re only two children meeting grief for the first time with pale faces and shaky hands.
But he remembers and he swears to it like an oath. He decides that he will wait. He would rein on the shadow mountain that was his name, waiting for the day his shattered being was renewed. He waits for the day he would not be alone on that court.
He waits for the better person his grandfather said would appear.
Just like a false prophet, it never came.
Kageyama beats grief with just one belief:
It would never come.
There are no instructions with grief.
Isolation soon becomes his blanket at night, and grief is now his friend that welcomes him as he returns home. His lone tears sit in the chair beside him being shallow efforts trying to resemble who he’s missing the most.
His dreams recuperate by directing the love to his subconscious, throwing him back into the whirlwind. He is given endless moments in his precious sleep that contain his grandfather. He usually sits in front of Kageyama at a lone table in a restaurant, teaching him how to pick up the yolk in his pork curry with chopsticks. Miwa is there sometimes, she sits beside Kageyama but he can never focus on her.
He focuses more on his grandfather. He picks up on things he never saw before on his grandfather’s face. His laugh lines are more defined, his skin sags a bit more than the time when he raced Kageyama up the stairs a few years ago, his hairline is pushed back, and his eyes hold a sadness Kageyama can’t read.
He wakes from them with a heaving chest, wishing his house was more full than it was. He isn’t heartbroken but instead feels a darkness that beckons him more into confinement; a call that mimics his name. He listens and years pass.
Hinata is the first person that defends him in years.
There was hope simmering in his bones that made Kageyama not dread his past or the titles he was granted.
It pisses Kageyama off.
Hinata lingers in front of him on the court as Kageyama watches him with his cold stare. Hinata gets under nerves that Kageyama didn’t even know he processed, he was always two steps ahead or challenging Kageyama to another ridiculous race. It wasn’t just that, Hinata encouraged Kageyama on the daily to be a better person and Kageyama didn’t even mind it most days.
It was a gradual change but the nightmares of his old friends and grandfather started to disappear and Kageyama finally slept normally.
He’d keep Hinata close but nothing more, he had to be better than him anyway.
“Just don’t use your brain and listen to me, dumbass.”
Hinata huffs in annoyance.
Twenty-one-year-old Tobio Kageyama stands on an apartment balcony that was owned by Sakusa, breathing in the city air. The afterparty for the MSBY Black Jackals vs Schweiden Alders wrapped up a few hours ago. He knew the sun would rise soon, but he couldn’t sleep even after celebrating the Black Jackal’s win together. When their old friends decided to crash in the player’s apartment, Kageyama decided to sneak out to get some personal space paired with alone time. He stands alone, gripping the railing, thinking back on too many things due to what day it was.
“For someone who lost, you’re taking it a lot better than I thought.” Kageyama turns to see Hinata standing in the door frame. He thinks of Miwa that one day. Kageyama responds by turning his head back to look at the night sky.
“I was happy for you.”
Hinata’s voice dropped to softly speak, “It was the anniversary of his passing, right? When we played? I had a feeling when I saw your reactions to some things.” Kageyama swears Hinata out in his mind, he reads him too well, just like his grandfather.
Kageyama feels Hinata move next to him, catching a glimpse of his bright hair, “Well if you need something to laugh about, Atsumu drank so much that he passed out outside. Bokuto had to haul him in by his feet.”
Kageyama stiffly chuckles, “They’re idiots.”
“Yeah, they really are,” Hinata hums, looking at Kageyama. “You know you can talk to me, right? I’m your boyfriend, it’s kinda how a relationship works. You never explicitly talk about him and I don’t expect you to, but me not even knowing the date - I just don’t want to disrespect him on any level. He meant a lot to you. I don't want you to think I don’t take what you feel seriously.”
“I don’t feel like that, I just rather celebrate his birthday than his death day, I don’t want him known for that .” He was honest with a heavy shudder, Hinata could tell by the way his frame lacked his usual confidence. Kageyama was vulnerable and open, he had to be careful with how he talked or he’d trap himself again. Hinata pulls himself up to press a soft kiss on Kageyama’s cheek, catching a lone tear with his lips. He wraps his arm around Kageyama’s back, pulling him close.
“Alright.”
“But if you feel like I don’t, I’m sorry-”
“Don’t apologize, please, Tobio. I just want you to know that.”
“Thanks.” Kageyama didn’t approach this issue much anymore, grief was a weird topic. He’d run and run from it all but the feelings of suffocation creeps back on days like this, too much reminds him of his grandfather. He remembers his King nickname; how it was a physical embodiment of that grief sitting on top of his head and a reminder he was utterly alone in his youth.
“I know that I won’t ever meet him but I think he’d be really proud of you.” Hinata mumbles in the dark. Kageyama savors Hinata’s arm that’s around him, an anchor to this reality. He doesn’t enjoy too much intimate touch but something about Hinata’s ignites sparks on his skin.
“I don’t know. He doesn’t know this me anymore, I was in junior high.” Kageyama explains blankly and shortly to Hinata’s surprise. His eyes sting, he wants to laugh in disbelief that he was alive longer than his grandfather knew him. He couldn't accept that.
“When you love something or someone a lot, it doesn’t leave you. You carry them, in a way. He knew the real you and he knew your potential, right?” Hinata faces Kageyama, “I’m not good with words at all so I’m probably not much help but when I see you, I can picture him standing next to you beaming. There is no way he wouldn’t be proud, you were his family. You meant everything to him and I don’t need to have met him to know that.”
Kageyama stays mute, loosening the railing a bit, Hinata’s words coaxing him to talk.
“He would’ve really liked you.” Kageyama supplies, wanting Hinata closer than ever. Hinata takes a step back, and clears his throat.
He begins to intimate an old man's voice, “I bet he would’ve been like ‘oh Hinata, you’re so much better than Tobio!’” Hinata holds his back as if it was throbbing with pain, making Kageyama scoff.
“You bastard, he didn’t sound like that, and he didn’t have back pain," he scolds the shorter man, finding pure humor in how ridiculous Hinata came across.
Hinata rolls his eyes and crosses his arms after he straightens himself, “He did so, I just know it.”
“Oh yeah? How?” Kageyama takes a step closer with full intentions of fighting, not caring if he woke everyone up. Hinata’s eyes lit up with excitement.
“Because he totally sent me here to call you a jerkwad and mock you daily. I’m always right and I just won so you know, Kageyama-”
“Stop talking.” Kageyama abruptly cuts him off, startled, recalling what his grandfather said so long ago.
I may not ever meet this person but if I don’t, just know I’ll send them to you, alright?
“Did I do-”
Kageyama lurches forward to cover Hinata’s mouth, “No, just stop talking, dumbass!” Hinata’s face is covered in concern as Kageyama draws back his attitude, “Just…stay with me. Okay? No talking.” He softly says, trying his best to make Hinata know he did nothing wrong.
“Yeah, of course.” Hinata slowly nods, smiling small.
Kageyama gets overtaken by a new sensation while he reaches for Hinata’s warm body. Kageyama has Hinata stand in front of him near the railing, wrapping his arms vehemently around Hinata’s torso, hugging him from behind. Kageyama buries his head in the crook of Hinata’s neck. The expensive cologne Hinata wore for the afterparty was faded by now, but his natural scent of unscented soap and aftershave was making Kageyama euphoric; it was home. Hinata sighs happily and moves his hands to sit on top of Kageyama’s, drawing circles on them.
They stay like that for a few moments, their souls intertwining under one heart. Kageyama never thought he would feel so secure on a day so dark.
If you get really good…I promise you…somebody who’s even better will come and find you.
He blinks in realization against the crane of his lover’s neck. The sentence doesn’t sting him like it once did. He raises his head to look down at the man beside him with his mouth slightly agape in surprise.
A dog suddenly bursts free from his cage, sprinting home as the chains fly to a distance in the wind. The sun returns to the mountain side, banishing the shadows that once defiled the place back home to darkness. Love returns to his heart to purify his soul and Kageyama feels like he breathed for the very first time in years; a new oath is taken as that promise he heard all those years ago came true.
You were right, somebody better finally came, Kageyama’s heart swells, and his name is Hinata.