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Chapter Text

My name is Lemony Snicket, and this is a dreadful horrible story about the Baudelaire orphans.
This story is so tragic and so heartbreaking if you wish to close the book and look away do so-

Now

…

I guess you are still here reading this tale, I have given you ample time and opportunity to leave but your sick mind still wishes to read.

Well then we shall start

It was a sickly cloud filled orange sunset that lay upon the dying Baudelaire orphans, their ship had been sailing.

until it wasn’t.

The seafoam that crashed up on the ship tossed them in the sea, the storm was nothing the could have ever predicted. a cyclonic force of hardened nature. They were swishing in the rolling waves barely above the water, the chill of the water was slowly creeping into their bones.

They held each other as tightly as they could, warmth and air slipping away from them.

Until …

Nothing. A dark black abyss swallowed them whole, the Baudelaires and new addition Beatrice were left to sink to their watery grave.

And this, dear readers is where my investigation ends.

———

My name. My name..
my name is buddy baker, and this is the story of the Baudelaire orphans. A tale long and complicated filled with wild twists and turns not even myself could ever expect, this is your last chance reader to turn and look away.

I hope it’s worth it.

it all started one gloomy dreary Gotham night.

The port was barely bustling as the boats of the harbor set sail along the inky blackened waters of Gotham port. In the port lay a huddled mass of children.

Their heads barely above water and barely moving in the still waters, a worker had spotted them. And taken to a grabbing a lifesaver and jumped in.
These waters tended to be filled with corpses and today this worker hoped he didn’t have to call the morgue.

The worker had managed to grab the four bodies that laid in the stills of the water of Gotham port, and had dragged them to shore, other workers gathered to help heave them up the ladder that connected the waters to land.

They called the emergency services and started CPR, Klaus was the first to wake up sputtering and drenched. A worker quickly covered the boy with a silver strange blanket, has he heaved and coughed the remaining water from his stomach and lungs.

Next was Beatrice who jolted sputtering the water from her tiny lips.

Violet came next spewing the seawater and hacking up the rest from her chest.

And last was sunny, she stirred before throwing up the last of the seawater.

All four of the Baudelaire orphans sat in front of the port workers, the bright warm yellow lights pounded their heads as they struggled to regain their breath. Soon the emergency services arrived and took over their care. they were rushed to the Gotham City general hospital.

Where they promptly preceded to pass out.

The day came quickly as they all began to stir again, a nurse craned her head straight towards the face of klaus. “Mister j, I think we got ourselves some new friends” the nurse with bright red lips and a smile a bit to large for her face muttered to the slender man alongside her.

“Wellllllll, hello there small.. raggedy children. I hope your morning has been.. let’s just say… jovial.” The man laughed, it was to klaus both wildly inappropriate and horrifying.

The man continued to smile much to large to be possible stretched and contorted across his face, teeth yellowed and chipped. “I. The clown prince of crime shall take you under his purple and green feathered wing!” He laughed again this time louder and more nightmarish than before.

“Who are exactly you? And where are we?” Klaus said voice weak from last nights vomiting and coughing.

“Why! The joker! And you my dear are in Gotham! Gothic hometown of the bat that haunts my waking nightmare! HAHAHAHAHAH!”

“Gotham? Where exactly is that?”

“New jersey obviously? Haven’t you raggedy children ever looked at a map before? HAHAHAHAHAAH”

“Well, we were in the middle of the sea after all.” Klaus muttered

“Lost at sea more like it” violet adds on

“Honestly what wet dank hole you crawled out of doesn’t ACTUALLY matter to me, you say potato! I say you- muddy, wet, raggedy children” the man snips before 2 other people and the nurse place strange masks on the Baudelaires.

“Nightly night! Don’t let the batbugs bite!” The man said, voice echoing around the Baudelaires minds.

——

They awoke tied and bound, gagged with colorful handkerchiefs. Violet looks over to sunny and Beatrice and sees they are okay, but also tied and bound. Klaus was slightly battered compared to all of them.

A man, fitted in a purple suit with lime green accents and bright orange undershirt strolled In.
Face white as chalk and hair a dark moss green, lips smeared with bright crimson lipstick and covered in stage makeup.

“Well, looks like you all woke up. Booooo, well I guess you can stay cognizant while you die.” The man shrugged.

The Baudelaires struggled against their ropes and Gags. Klaus surprisingly didn’t have his mouth covered having spat his gag out.

“Die!?”

“Yes of course it’s my trademark! Dead kids! Nothing brings out a bat as quickly as the idea of dead kiddos!”

“You lunatic!”

the man strolled around the room circling the Baudelaires like the sharks had in the boat.

“Well I guess we must wait, the time is ticking and honestly I’m getting BOREDDDD”

“Why do you want to kill us?”

“Uh- to lure the bat so I can kill HIM, that flying rat has made my life a miserable hell.” The man spat.

“But what does killing a bunch of orphans accomplish?”

“Orphans you say? Ohhh the plot thickens!”

“Why would it?”

“You see, Batman and his feathered brood are all from let’s just say.. empty nests”

“Empty nests as in ‘a parent or parents who don’t take care of their children anymore having grown up and left to have their own lives and families’”

“What sort of dictionary did YOU crawl out of, BLEH! No I mean their parents are very dead. I actually killed some of them!”

The Baudelaires look at the man with horror in their faces.

“Why do you look so surprised? This is incredible public news?”

Klaus looked at the man who called himself joker and scowled.

“Just, I’d rather have my life with my family then taken by lunatics. First Olaf! now you? We can’t get a BREAK. Leave us alone!”

“My my! What a little rule breaker reminds me of a certain bird. I clipped that ones wings quite well.”

“We will live, we always have. The people who have tormented and killed the people we loved we have outlived, and we will outlive you too. You want to kill us? Get in line we don’t go down without a fight” klaus hissed venomously.

“Big talk for a raggedy orphan child. ‘We will outlive you’ this and ‘we will outlive you’ that all you orphans are the same! Boringgggggg”

Klaus growls. Joker looks at him like he’s the funniest thing in the world.

“Well I’d love to stay and chat.. but I have bombs to set and places to run! In the corner over there is a bomb I set it to go off in about? 5 minutes 0r so ! Either batsy and the brats save you or you turn into a pile of fleshy confetti! Either way is a win for me. Hope you dieeeeeeee!”

Joker the dastardly menace ran out the room locking and bolting the door behind him, the Baudelaires are left in a situation one with very little chance of escape.

But they don’t care, worse more cruel things have happened.

Klaus finishes untying himself which he had started when the weird man was talking, he reaches down and unties his legs. He quickly ungags his sisters and gets to work on trying to escape the room.

They quickly realize that the door is very locked and the bomb only had 4 minutes left on the timer.

Violet rips a piece off the handkerchief chain and uses it to tie her hair, as she takes note of what is available to them.

A large metal pipe, a window to outside, and the extra colorful handkerchief chains. She quickly grabbed all three items and started tying the handkerchiefs together into a rope and breaking the window open.

The drop was only 2 stories thankfully, and the rope they had would take them down one story.
Better a smaller fall than a bigger one. She tied the rope to the end of the pipe and positioned it in a way that wedged it in place tightly and then threw the rest out the window.

She told klaus to start climbing down with Beatrice, she had taken a piece of rope and tied her to klaus’s back and told him to “just go!”

Violet and sunny took to it next and they all slid down, rope burn be damned.

Klaus fell feet first from the rope into a small bush, which half broke his fall. He scrambled off the ground and waited before running away, Violet was shortly after also falling feet first into the bush. Klaus helped Violet off the ground and they started running.

“There must be only a few seconds left on the timer!” Klaus shouted

“I think it was at 1 minutes and 12 seconds when I went out the window” Violet added.

“Good thing we are used to running!”

They ran from the building they were held captive in to a nearby main road, cars sped through and people seemed to be chatting with not a care in the world.

They run a bit more until they think they are far enough from the blast, and start panting.

The outside was bright, the blue sky peaked through the grey clouds and for once the Baudelaires actually thought their life might look up.

Chapter Text

Test please beg I snap and burn along the scorn