Chapter Text
It had been almost a week since the memory had hit him like a truck, it had been nearly a week of sitting and stewing in those moments he remembered. Questions ate at him, made his brain swarm in hope. Jay needed to know. He needed to know if he ever submitted the personal student film project? Even if he did, would he be able to find it? It must’ve been a senior film like Marble Hornets was supposed to be. What would it be about?
He couldn’t remember much from before Marble Hornets, before this all he already had a bad memory but, whatever the Operator did to him, whatever sickness he got made it tenfold. It was as if his memory had just been wiped clean. He needed to know because that memory had been the first of something more than just studying, or fights with Alex.
He didn’t know if he had finished it, he didn’t know if he would like what he saw. But even if he didn’t it was something he could hold onto, another tie back to what was. In those days of stewing in thoughts and questions he came to the conclusion that he must’ve finished it solely because he couldn't see himself abandoning one project to pick up someone else's. Even if that someone was his best friend at the time.
Jay had waited until they were in the new motel, waited until Tim had left, waited until he was alone. Tim had offered to go get groceries and some take out while he was out buying more cigarettes. After all, they had been planning on staying here for two to three days.
The moment Jay was sure he was alone and that Tim was fully gone. Only then did he pull out his laptop, hunching over in the bed as his fingers flew across the keyboard as he typed up his old college. He began to search through any of the Professor’s names, looking for anything that he could remember, anything that could trigger a memory. He was about to give up any hope until he saw one.
Jay hovered his mouse over the professor’s name, sounding his name out a few times in his mind, before clicking on it. Glad that there was a way to get in contact with him. His fingers raced across the keyboard once again this time trying to formulate a reason to not have his senior project, a white lie, a half lie.
‘Good evening Professor Andrews,
My name is Jay Merrick, I believe I had you back in 2006. I was a film major at your college, I was recently looking for my Senior Film Project. I believe that I turned it in. But, I had an accident a few years ago that made my memory a bit hazy. I was told that looking back on previous things could help me remember. I send this email in hopes that you might have some knowledge on it. If I turned it in? Or where I might be able to find it? Have a good rest of your day.
-Sincerely, Jay Merrick’
Jay doubted he would get any sort of reply at least right away, after all. It was Friday night and it was late in the day, the sun had long set. He doubted the man would even see it until the weekend was over. Who really checked their emails that often? He shook his head to rid himself of pointless thoughts, closing the window before going back to editing entries. Going through the previous night's recording hoping he wouldn’t find anything creepy lurking in their motel room. Simultaneously he had totheark’s youtube page up, refreshing it every so often wanting to know if there would be a new entry from them. As creepy and cryptic as they were, it was sort of fun, letting his brain focus on something else. He had already decoded the previous entry they had posted.
Time had seemed to fly by as he looked through the six hours of footage, he always sped it up, he couldn’t fathom sitting for that long just to see what he knew to be true most nights, nothing. And just like most nights, nothing. Which made him feel at total ease, nothing new, no late night intruders. He couldn’t trust having anything covering his ears when alone, after all he was nearly deaf in one ear leaving him with one good one. Jay felt his heart jump into his throat as he heard the door slowly creaked open before the smell of menthol cigarettes and cedar filled the room.
He had been working on the previous entry which had caused his paranoia to sky rocket, so the scent of his partner had him letting out a relieved sigh.
“Welcome back Tim, Hope it all went well.” He mumbled before turning his attention back to the footage, the sooner he got through it and edited it the sooner he could relax.
“Hey, just picked up some cheap ass Chinese at the takeout place just down the street. Figured it’s a lot of food for cheap, so we can finish more later if we want leftovers.” Tim mused, a semi-proud look on his face as he moved over to Jay.
Tim placed the takeout boxes on the bed before putting away the small amount of cold groceries into the fridge before coming back to sit next to Jay, making him move over before getting comfortable and opening the boxes.
They had been watching some film Jay could’ve sworn he had seen as a kid but couldn’t place as they ate. His computer dinged causing his eyes to flicker over to it, it was his email. It couldn’t be the Professor could it? Surely not, it was almost midnight. He chose to ignore it for the moment being, filing it away for later. Maybe it would have what he wanted. Tim either didn’t hear it or didn’t think anything of it.
There really wasn’t a reason to hide it from Tim, he supposed he couldn’t be blamed for remembering something from their past, it could be a dead end. Could be the professor didn’t have it, or if it did. Would it bring back old memories? Would there be anything he wouldn’t… or maybe couldn’t tell Tim? He shook his head and decided to wait until the other was asleep. And that took far too long.
After he was sure that Tim was asleep, after an hour and a half of waiting, only then did Jay open up his laptop and the cursor flew across the screen as he opened up his email once again. It was almost too good to be true. There in his inbox was an email from his professor… Well, past professor.
‘Good evening Mr.Merrick,
How could I not remember your Senior film project? It was and still is truly one of my favourites, I do still have it. I’m sorry to hear about your accident. You can come pick up the physical copy if you’d like but here is the file for now. I hope you can get it working, and I hope that it will restore a memory or two.
Thank you for reaching out.
Sincerely, Professor Andrews.’
‘File attached, Jay Merrick's Senior Project, Life in Death.’
Jay slipped out of his bed, snagging his headphones from the desk near his bed before sneaking past Tim’s jacket fingers expertly slipping into the pocket and snagging the pack of cigarettes and lighter before slipping out of the room. He sat against the wall, only a few steps from the door to their room before opening his laptop and lighting up the cigarette that had already found its way between his lips.
What if? What if it was just some shitty student film? What if it made him cringe? Would he cry? Could he cry at something he made? What… He shook his head, letting his thoughts clear and the cigarette calm his nerves.
Jay downloaded the file before letting out a shaky breath as it opened up in a video player, he waited as he stared at a black screen, it took a little longer than he’d like and he almost thought it wouldn’t work and then it started.
///////////////////////////
Nothing. A void of nothing was stretched across the screen waiting for a few seconds. Then something soft started up in the background. Rain, but not soft, hard rain like the kind that makes you wonder if it’s not hailing, and furthermore… Was that? Was that sobbing in the background?
“Sometimes it hits you out of nowhere, Love that is.”
“It’s messy and painful, you will bleed and bruise, break your bones and shatter your soul… But, it’s worth it.”
The text had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.
The void disappeared and a camera was turned on, fuzzy at first before it focused.
What at first appeared a shadow due to the lighting, soon turned into Jay. Leaning against a wall, swaying back and forth as if a tree in the wind. He looked at the camera with a grin on his face, teeth bared to the world. Battered and Bloody, Jay was covered in cuts and bruises, blood gushing from his nose, a gash in his eyebrow so deep that it left a river of blood, curling down his face. Following all the contours and framing his once pale skin. A split lip was left to match the rest, lip swollen and blue in the corner.
His hair clung to his forehead, stuck to it with blood and water as if that was glue itself. The grin slowly started to fade and he looked… defeated, a soft laugh left him before he fell into a fit of heartbreaking laughter. Throwing his head back against the wall with a thud before a hiccuping sob left his mouth. The audio fell silent and music started up in its place.
“Nothing will ever be easy.”
“Life is meant to push you to your limits, meant to push you over those, pushing further and further until that limit. Until that line that had been crossed is nothing more than a scratch in the dirt. Life is meant to make you hurt.”
“No one ever makes it out alive after all.”
The sound of fire crackling and logs snapping, loud indistinguishable music filled the film. The void was once upon stretched across the screen, until the camera flickered on again.
Looking out of a window, drawn open by the hinges that appeared rusted. Maybe the window was an eye, a way to view the night sky… The sky appeared as if it were an ocean, stars held up brightly, painting the vast void with light blues intermixing with the darkness, a few clouds wisped by, drawn by the wind. A car flew past on an old road flickering the light of the moon that hung high in the sky, igniting the clouds of smoke that drifted past the camera.
The screen faded black, as it did the other times leaving the viewer to look at their own reflection, a split second to stew in their thoughts.
A bonfire, large as can be, the sounds of the wood and sap snapping and crackling, burning as bright as the flames that tore at Icarus when he fell. The same ocean of a night sky was behind the flames. Bright oranges to compete against the deep swirling blues. Flames licking up the night sky.
Though, the serenity didn’t last long, there was the sound of fighting, sound of screaming, all muffled to hide their owners, who held the leash of the curses, the cruel words that bit at their intended victims. The sound of a sharp crack of skin on skin and then a crunch of something breaking…
The screen faded out into a null void, the music dying out, crackling of flames licking at the sky dying out. Leaving Jay alone, but only a split second.
“But, there are things that make the struggle worth it, make the fight worth it. Things that are but a candle before the end of a lightless tunnel.”
It was a flicker, nothing more, nothing less. A few snapshots, photos of different places before it flickered to a stop, a tree. It zoomed in before the clip started up.
Sharp laughter mixed with the sound of a forest as a camera was held with shaky hands, chasing someone down the path. Trees whipping past them, blurring into nothing but green and flashes of light. Jostling the viewer into a fits of the unknown, and yet leaving the viewer enough stability to feel the serenity that the forest must’ve brought the two that day. The warmth the sun had carried, had covered those two in that shot. Someone just out of focus and the other behind the camera.
“Running after those you love is a game, it is a bet on whether or not it will get you what you want.”
It quickly flickered to a stream, the sounds of birds singing and the water rushing was almost overbearing. The camera zoomed out after a second.
The clear water was racing down the decline, crawling over rocks and twigs, pulling leaves with it as the water traveled to its unknown destination. The person behind the camera didn’t move, didn’t breathe, instead they zoomed in expertly, following a specific leaf as it traveled into the distance, until it was no more.
The clip flickered into a new one, another one of the snapshots. An empty field, surrounded by trees.
There wasn’t anything that should’ve made it breathtaking, it was just a field in the forest, a clearing. The sky was a bright blue with clouds expertly painted through to make them appear as soft and fluffy as most could only dream of. The camera shifted quickly, zooming in, past the field of tall grass, past the wild flowers that had started to overtake everything. There in the edge of the wood was a deer, staring directly at the camera. It watched and waited before the doe sprung away, fleeing from humanity.
“You can find beauty in Nature”
“Or You can find it in Man.”
The screen faded black for a split second before everything returned, it had started out fuzzy and out of focus. But that had been changed and it was made obvious by the subject matter that the person behind the camera had other interests.
Jay had been the one laying across a bed, cigarette between his lips as he hummed along to the song on the radio. The camera zoomed in again, taking in all of the details, the twitch of his lip, how his eyes would flicker across the ceiling, crystal blue eyes with the fiery orange embers reflected in them. How his hair was stuck to his forehead from sweat. How there was a soft whirring in the background of a fan.
Jay had finally caught onto the fact he was being filmed, taking the cigarette from his lips and blowing an O towards the camera before shifting his weight, raising an eyebrow as he propped himself up with one arm.
“Am I that interesting? More so than the sun setting outside? Or that plant you take care of? How about that Radio hmm? My Dear Hawk, I cannot be that interesting.” Jay teased, wiggling his eyebrows.
“You are, To me you are.” The voice that had come from behind the camera was soft, close enough that it reverberated through the camera.
Jay, who had been looking smug, had quickly faltered. Embarrassed by the words said to him, cheeks flushed as he turned his head and coughed. He shifted to sit up, using the no longer used hand over his face, as if willing the blush to be erased with one wipe of his hand.
“Shut up.” Jay had whined out, voice cracking slightly.
“Did I get the film director all shy? Come on Blue Jay? What happened to beauty is in the eye of the beholder? All those shots of me weren’t that interesting hmm?” The voice teased before the camera was set down, zooming in on Jay again.
The person behind the camera walked towards Jay in the bed, and just as the camera was starting to focus on the person it was cut into nothing once again.
The sound of Laughter and rain grew louder, and louder, rain pitter pattering against metal, against pavement, against skin. Sounding all too similar to a heartbeat, thud, thud, thud.
The clip that followed was all too familiar to Jay, it started to jog his memory.
It was something you would’ve only believed came from those cheesy rom-coms.
Tim was there, Jay was there. Both of them were soaked to the bone, but they couldn’t have seemed any happier. The rain itself was pounding against the windows of nearby cars, and yet it seemed to have given the pair a less sharp hit, it seemed to flow around them as they danced. Laughter spilled from their lips, which was soon all encompassed by their loud off key singing to something Jay recognized as Cheesy 80’s music. Nothing was in rhythm, they weren’t moving to the beat of the music, the rain didn’t follow anything, and yet. It worked.
They demanded attention as they danced around another, holding each other's hands as they laughed and sang, throwing their heads back in joy, baring their necks to the gods. They appeared as though they would be in a painting, it was peaceful even through a storm.
With a flash of Lightning that spread across the sky, and the clash of thunder the clip ended and a new one started.
There was Tim leaning against the wall with a grin on his face as he read the lines off the paper in front of him, willing them into the world, moving his hands around as he let out a soft chuckle. Jay joined in, walking towards Tim with a smile on his own face as he stood up straight and proud, head tilted in a fit of shyness. They got close, a few feet between them before Jay reached over and snatched the cigarette that had been left between Tim’s parted lips.
“You little!! Give that back!” Tim shouted as he reached for it, before Jay put it between his lips, inhaling and blowing the smoke in Tim’s direction.
“What are the magic words My Dear Hawk?” Jay questioned taking another hit of the cigarette, keeping it above Tim’s head.
Right as Tim was about to answer, the clip was cut short.
Another clip of Tim and Jay, working on the soundtrack of what could only be for this film. Tim was playing the guitar humming along, Jay joined in singing along. Painting the room with their voices, painting that moment in their own world with the joy of music, with each pluck of a string a new stroke was painted. Tim’s fingers moving expertly as if it was second nature, as if he had been born to do so.
The clip went black the moment Tim started to sing along, as if that voice was a secret meant for Jay and Jay alone. As if Jay was worried for the safety of others, as if Tim were a siren among the ocean of sky.
A shaky camera was placed on a windowsill, one that had been blatantly in Tim’s old apartment, small burns from past cigarettes were focussed on while the rest was fuzzy. A few more clicks of the camera as it was zoomed in to focus on no other than Tim. A cigarette placed between his fingers, between his lips as he inhaled. The embers lighting up, burning through the paper before the nicotine filled smoke curled out of his nose, out from between his lips.
Faintly over the sound of the pitter patter of rain, over the sound of soft music in the background was a voice, a voice he knew all too well.
“Jay what’re you even doing?” Tim questioned, moving his head slightly, lips moving along with each syllable.
“Just shut up and keep smoking Romantics” Jay quipped back, voice barely able to be heard over the music, over the rain.
“Whatever Jaybird, gonna come over here and join me?” Tim teased, turning to look back out the window, taking another inhale of the cigarette, more smoke curling out from between his lips, filling the air above them.
The clip ended, or maybe it had cut out for a split second. The sounds of laughter grew louder until the rain couldn’t be heard, a raspy chuckle that had turned into a cackle, and a soft tittering, anxious laugh that had turned into a loud and carefree one.
“Life is meant to be messy, but Death? Death is messier than life will ever be.”
“You cannot have Life without Death, Love without Pain does not exist.”
A strong hand holding onto Jay’s cheek, grasping onto his jaw as they kissed. Jay hand holding onto the other mans.. Muscles flexed as they kissed with such a fervour that both men seemed to share. Clinging to each other in the fear that one might wake up from a dream.
It would’ve been beautiful, it was beautiful… But the clip changed, so quick it should’ve caused whiplash. A clip that had changed to one of screaming, of shouting and then… and then…
Jay was on screen again, alone this time, punching a wall, throwing his hand into the mix of dry wall and what might’ve been underneath. Until his hand was bleeding, until it was raw. Painting the once pale wall with a bright crimson. Jay turned around screaming into the nothingness. Picking up a pipe nearby the camera, Jay swung the pipe a few times, rotating it in his hand as if it were a bat and he was ready to hit a home run. Instead of a ball he swung the metal into the screen of the TV that had been sitting just out of sight.
The screen shattered, glass scattering across the floor, blood dripping from his hand down the pipe and onto the floor, onto the TV. The TV which should’ve been the only victim of Jay’s unrelenting anger, of his anguish, laid broken into nothing more than a pile of rubble. But that wasn’t enough, Jay started to swing the pipe at anything he could, any little thing. Destroying the room of what could’ve only been an abandoned building. Jay let out another heart wrenching scream before he fell to his knees, dropping the pipe and sobbing.
Jay let his heart be seen to those who would watch this film, screaming into the unknown, screaming into the rubble below him, tears and blood soaking into the dust, into the dirt. Screaming until his voice was raw and all he could do was cough and heave.
///////////////////////////
Jay paused the film, dropping the cigarette butt onto the pavement before slapping a hand over his mouth, choking on a silent sob as he tried to silence himself. He closed out of the tab, shutting it down before curling in on himself silently crying. He couldn’t watch anymore, not tonight, bits and pieces of the memories from the past were encompassing his entire being and he felt like he was drowning in them.
He pulled everything to his chest, letting his headphones rest around his neck as he slipped back into the motel room, looking around as he tried to move to his side of the room as silently as possible. Jay placed the cigarettes and lighter on the table, a frown still drawn on his face as he let out a shaky whimper. He had placed the laptop next to them and was in the process of placing the headphones on top when he heard the bed behind him shift.
Jay knew Tim had sat up, could hear the way the raspy breath was no longer shallow and soft, he looked over his shoulder only to see Tim patting the spot next to him on the bed.
“Mnmn Jay? Why…” Tim was cut off by a yawn, stretching his back slightly before continuing. “Why’d you go out this time? I uh… woke up after you left, don’t say smoke break…You’ve been gone, twenty minutes.” Tim questioned, no malice in his tone, only that of soft care. Only that of worry for another beating heart.
“ ‘s nothing Tim, just.. Go back to bed, just… needed some air.” Jay whispered, walking past Tim’s bed.
He pulled himself under the covers of his bed, hoping to god he could just have some sort of sleep, something that wouldn’t leave him terrified, something that wouldn’t leave him exhausted. Jay had been too deep in thought about the what ifs to hear Tim get out of his bed, didn’t notice it until the bed shifted, squeaking under the second weight.
“Jaybird, what’s going on? If it’s something about those stupid entries, if it's anything to do with this.. Just, let me deal with it okay? You don’t have to hold it all in.” Tim whispered, moving to lay next to Jay, resting his hand on his cheek.
Jay felt his bottom lip wobble as he looked over Tim’s face, tears starting to bubble up and roll down. He leaned into Tim’s touch before shaking his head slowly. He shifted a bit closer wanting to feel the warmth that Tim gave off, instead of the cold that bit him while he was outside.
“No.. it’s uh.. Past stuff.. Stuff that I’m remembering again… I can’t tell you them.. Not now, maybe… maybe after this is all over.” Jay whispered, glancing up to Tim through wet lashes.
Jay had been surprised to see Tim look a bit hurt but he quickly wiped that look away, instead replacing it with one of understanding, one of comfort and one that… couldn’t have been right, it must’ve been his past blinding him. Because, he could’ve sworn it was one pure adoration, one that you would have to love someone for.
“That’s alright, just… Let me hold your hand when you deal with it.. Okay? If I cannot shoulder the burden that these memories are, let me be there for you. I know I don’t look like I’m a good listener, but Jay Merrick, I promise I can be the best out there.” Tim promised, holding his arm out for Jay to come closer.
And who was Jay to say no to an open invitation to be close to the person he found the most comfort in? The person who he…. He loved but could never say. Even if there was a chance they had been together in the past. That was then and this was now. Jay shuffled across the bed and into Tim’s arms, pushing his face into his chest letting out a shaky sigh.
“Thank you Tim, I promise I’ll tell you when this is over, When we can wake up in our own house and not some shitty motel..” Jay whispered, emotions and sleep riddling his mind unclear, not realizing he had said our instead of his.
“Goodnight Blue Jay.” Tim whispered, pulling the blankets over them and letting out a happy hum.
“Goodnight Hawk.” Jay replied, mind still clouded by the past, unaware of how Tim’s eyes shot open and how he had looked down at Jay.