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why can’t I just be happy?
“Love, what are you doing?” This wasn’t an abnormal question, it was a frequent one, mostly asked at night, when the Gryffindor Common Room was sparse of students, just Harry and Malfoy. No one outside of their respective friend groups knew about their relationship, a secret that could wreak havoc on their lives if it were disclosed to the wrong crowd.
Like usual, Harry laughed, taking another drag from the rolled lump wedged between his fingers. “Do we really have to do this dance every night?” Malloy, who’d been pacing behind Harry, stopped abruptly. He turned to face the glossy eyes of his lover, while his own resembled storm clouds. “Yes, I’d say we do have to do this dance every night, because you smoke to forget every night! Harry, is everything alright?”
Harry rolled his eyes, extending his arm towards Draco. “If you’re going to get so bothered by me doing it, you might as well partake yourself,” In response to Harry’s absurdity, he smacked Harry’s arm viciously, hoping he’d left a bruise. “Ow!” Harry jumped up, using his other hand to rub the spot on his arm Malfoy had hit. “What the hell was that for?”
Draco smirked, crossing his arms over his chest. “To teach you a lesson. You know as good as Godric fucking Gryffindor himself that I gave up my old ways, yet for some reason, you decided to follow my lead, which quite frankly, is ruining you. Harry, why can’t you just talk to me? What’s bothering you, making you feel like you have to do this every night?”
Standing his ground, Harry balled his hand into a fist. “Ruining me? I’d say this stuff is helping me. I’ve never felt better, physically and mentally,” Draco sighed. He knew having a reasonable conversation with Harry wasn’t going to be any easy feat. He was as stubborn as a goddamn mule. Ron, Hermione, and himself could have Harry curled in the fetal position on the floor sobbing hysterically, persuading him to open up, yet he would resist like he was made of fucking stone.
“Right. So how did you do on your last Potions exam again? What with your impeccable memory, I’m sure you got marks that even Granger would be envious of,” Harry frowned. “I would’ve gotten top marks, had I not mixed up sunshine root and daisy root,” Ignoring Harry’s pathetic excuse, Malfoy pressed on. “Or how about your normal conversations with the Weasel, where you proceed to forget your point on multiple occasions and repeat the same word a myriad of times because it’s the only coherent word you can think in the moment,”
Harry glared at the triumphant smirk residing on Malfoy's face. Oh Draco, you really think you struck a nerve? He laughed to himself. Malfoy arched an eyebrow as Harry slumped into a chair, still laughing to himself. He ran an irritated hand through his tousled hair, before leaning forward, expecting a second wind of allegations to come his way. For a minute, the two were silent, staring intently into each other's eyes. Harry rolled his hands out, encouraging Malfoy to continue his tirade.
Instead, he laughed. Harry frowned, tilting his head in confusion. “I think your highs catching up to you love,” Harry shrugged. “It feels the same as it always does,” Malfoy sat himself on the arm of Harry’s chair, slouching to his level. “And what exactly does it feel like?” Harry blinked a couple times, processing his thoughts. “Well, colors look more pronounced, my head feels like Muggle tv static, and I just feel…happy,”
Malfoy nudged his arm. “Happy how?” Harry focused his gaze on the fireplace, taking in the bright orange flames that set the room in a lava-like glow. “Happy like when I’m with Ron and Hermione in Hogsmeade. When I don’t feel the weight of the Wizarding World on my shoulders, and I can just be a normal teenager. Happy like I can pretend I have a family waiting for my arrival home for the summer holiday. Just…happy,” Harry sighed wistfully. “I feel that without my nightly sessions, I’m never truly happy. Sure, I have some moments, but they’re pretty few and far between,”
Tears began to fill his eyes, but in his state he couldn’t tell if they were from staring raptly at the fire or from indulging his feelings. Malfoy’s heart broke when he saw a tear streak down Harry’s face. “Why can’t I just be happy?” At this point he broke down, collapsing into sobs. He buried his face in Malfoy’s chest, while the latter held him with every fiber of love he had. Malfoy murmured soothing affirmations while petting Harry’s hair.
Harry sat up, wiping the residue of emotions off his face, laughing vainly. “I guess my high is gone,” It was true, Harry felt he was in his normal state of mind, and much to Malfoy’s relief, his eyes contained not a trace of self sabotaging red. He smiled warmly, grabbing Harry’s hand. “How about this: instead of partaking in your nightly rituals, we sneak out to Hogsmeade every night. We can grab a pint of Butterbeer, even sneak over to Honeydukes and raid their stocks. We can even invite Weasel. I would extend the invitation to Granger, but I don’t think she’d approve,” Malfoy’s face furrowed at the thought.
Harry smiled, swinging their hands together. “His name’s Ron, and when it comes to keeping me rational, Hermione wouldn’t hesitate. Extend the invitation,” Malfoy smiled. “So you’re saying ‘“Malfoy, you’re the most perfect boyfriend with the most remarkable ideas?’”” Harry laughed, the noise wafting Draco’s skin like a night's soft breeze. “No, I’m saying Draco, thank you for being an amazing, understanding boyfriend. I know I’m not the easiest partner, but I’m glad I have you. If I had the opportunity to live a million lives I wouldn’t come close to repaying you for bringing me my happiness back,”
Malfoy playfully shoved Harry’s head. He hopped off the chair’s arm, eyes scanning the room. “You go get Ron and Hermione. I’m going to look around for the Invisibility Cloak. If we want to get in the habit, we’re starting tonight,” Harry grabbed Malfoy’s arm, pulling himself up. The light in his eyes was hypnotizing. “I love you, Draco Malfoy,” Malfoy squeezed Harry’s shoulder. “Harry James, I love you too. The genuinely happy you,” The two sealed their new open and honest relationship with a passionate kiss.