Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Keep your heart free for a soon comming love"

I laughed a little bitterly.

"Oooh, Lucy! Someone who will storm you heart?"
Angela giggled, amused.

"Of course, a fortune cookie will know when I'll get my true love."

I told her sarcastically and put it down on the table in the Chinese restaurant, where we all went out to.
I exchanged an innocent look with Tim.
No! I forbid myself to even imagine that for the littlelest time.
Tim and I were good. We were good friends. And the last time we had made it look differently had almost destroyed our friendship. This Undercover thing we had have, still let my stomach lurch even when all this drama, send away to UC school and break-ups with Chris and Ashley was already had already been two years ago. It had needed six months until everything between me and Tim had been like before again.
Like before... just with more little touches, giggling, teasing, and exchanging of gazes that were kind of magical and-
No! Still not going there.

I focused back on the people who sat with me at this table.
It was our monthly dinner with everyone.
Angela and Wesley, with their two adorable child's, Jack and Zoe. Nyla and James with Lea and sometimes, like that day, with Lila, who surprisingly liked that with her age of eleven. Wade and Luna and John and Bailey, who had given each other wreid, looked all of the time. Celina and Aaron, who had eventually become a couple after a lot of time with obvious tension between them. And then, there were Tim and me. Two single best friends, who worked together all day and-
NO! STILL not going there.

"Ok, what are you two keeping for a secret?"

I eventually asked after another much saying look from Bailey to Nolan, who were sitting on exactly the other side of the table like every couple. We had decided that after a funny coincidence when we had been eating all together.
The talking got silent, and everyone looked at the married couple.

"Uh, nothing we are just-"

"Looking at each other because we desperately wanna be with each other."

John interprupped Bailey but got quieter with every word when he saw the forced serious expression on my face. Tim couldn't keep himself from giggling over me.

"Ey!"

I hissed and gave him a little slap on his bottom arm.
Another little touch.
I put on my expression again and looked at John, who I know would definitely break at me.

"Oh, come on, Bails, they will know sooner or later."

Now, it was Bailey who extra stood up, went over to Nolan, and gave him a little slap before whispering something into his ear, on what he nodded. Then they both looked at us.

"And?"

I couldn't wait to know it anymore.

"Okay, okay... Let's say Celina won't be able to sleep in our guestroom anymore."

"Because it won't exist anymore."

John added, but I was still confused, and when I looked around, I saw I was not alone with that. Just Celina looked like she knew what would come next. Of course she knew. She always did.
I knew how much Bailey loved John's house, but what the hell was that supposed to mean?!
After a few seconds of silence, Bailey finally added

"It'll be a child room!"

"We're pregnant!"

"OMG!"

My voice pitched up more than I thought it would.

"I'm soo happy for you!"

I gave them both a hug, and so did everyone else and talked out their congratulations.

"So another child will join the station's playgroup."
Angela sang. She LOVED that playgroup of the little three kids who played at the station's kita.

"Uh, no. Definitely, it'll play at my Station!"

Bailey pointed out.
Oh god, I was sure they would've gotten into a stupid argument about that, so I decided to interprupp that.

"You know we can give them all to Tamara. That's best for all!"

They still looked at each other seriously but then just fell into giggling.
"Sounds good!"
Bailey agreed.

"Aceptable."

I kicked against Angela's leg.

"Hey, Tamara is babysitting them three for almost two years!"

I felt two big hands on my shoulders and, like always, got electrified.
Another touch.
Tim pressed me back down on my chair, from where I had stood up a little upset and shouted out.

"Let's get ice for everyone to cool the nerves... Lucy, you come help me carrying?"

I just nodded and followed him.
By now, I already knew what everyone loved for Ice. Tim and I filled up every bowl. We were halfway done when he started giggling after minutes of silence.

"What?"

"Okay, I got yours, Angela's, Wesley's, and Aaron's, but I still don't get the others."

"Oh, come on! That's like the 10th time we're doing that, and you still don't know about everyone?"

I sighed.
It couldn't be so hard to get it all, but it seemed like it was for him.

"Obviously, I don't."

He just gave back to me and went over to his side of the ice cream chest and pushed him away.

"Okay, one last time I'll show you. Write it down or something!"

I then added teasing and started with the next bowl for someone I hadn't finished yet either.

"Ok, well, for Celina, it is chocolate and honey-sesam."

I took another bowl.

"For James, it is woodruff and vanilla. Soo... and for Lila it is-"

I had grabbed another bowl, then turned around to look at him teasing, but stopped when I saw him soft smiling, just fully given his attention to me. His ocean-blue eyes always made something flutter in my stomach, but this time it flipped. The words were not reachable. What am I saying they were not existing! There were just him and I, looking into each other's faces and holding this for a few seconds.
His face didn't change. It stayed that smily, but I could tell mine was in a little shocked, which I was in.

"Uh... yeah..."

My voice was shaky and a little nervous when I got it to pull me out of staring and turned back around to the ice cream chest.
Ice cream! That was why I was standing here.

"And Lila gets strawberry with..."

I felt heat streaming over my face, and because my mind wasn't fully working, I didn't remember what else Lila wanted for Ice.

"Uh... with..."

Even when there was so much ice under my face with the cooler, my face was burning.

"Aha, criticizing me not to know all, but you doesn't know, too. That's how it's going now."

He was a little too happy about that. But what was way more mattering, he ignored what just had happened. Ok, then we ignore it. I agreed, even like I always did. Ignoring it. The touches, gazes, talking-
NO! God, what was wrong with me that day?
Not going there!

"Come on, I forgot one, you all of them!"

I started going over to the table when I felt grip on under my knees and back.

"No!"

I yelled.

"Not here, huh! Come on!"

He started carrying me like a little child. He sometimes did that when we were teasing each other but he had never really done that in front of other people and especially not in a fucking RESTAURANT!
I tried to get out of that but failed, like always. When I reached over to our table, they saw us laughing even louder than usual and fell into a little stunned silence.
I gave up and crossed my arms over my chest to face him.

"Seriously?"

Was the only thing getting put off my mouth.

"Obviously."

He smirked and looked over to Lila.

Asshole.

"So Lila, 'Miss, I know every of these thousand ice cream combinations' forgot what you like as your ice cream. So could you tell her again, please?"

I still looked at Tim upset, especially where I knew EXACTLY what she wanted when I was out of my confusion over that moment.

"Uh... strawberry and mango."

She tried but failed to hold back a giggle.
Tim looked down on me again.

"Got it now, or should she repeat it for you for that you're sure about 100% next time?"

I looked up to face him, either. There were just inches between our faces. I could feel his breath on my face, and he must've either. But in the opposite ro the moment a few minutes ago this didn't feel wreid. It just felt nice. We were teasing each other like always. That was it. Even when I enjoyed his red lips so close to-
God, I would have to kill myself after that evening because obviously I couldn't hear.
NOT GOING THERE!

Chapter Text

"Got it! Will you let me down now?"

He looked down at me for a moment and then smirked.

"Should I be so kind and let the little child down?"

For that, he catched himself a slap in his face.

"Idiot."

He sat me down on my feet and went back to the ice station. I wanted to follow, but felt someone grabbing my wrist and pulling me back.

"Woah! What the hell-"

"Psst! What was that?"

Angela, Nyla, Celina, Bailey, and even Lila and John surrounded me.

"Huh?"

I didn't know what they meant.

"That! Tim laughing and carrying you through the restaurant!"

Angela's voice sounded like something I definitely didn't want. I hadn't heard this sound in a while, but it was the 'Chenford' sound. She chipped me and Tim since 3 years. She didn't talk about that in a while because, of course, she knew either that there had been tension between me and Tim, but now, she didn't seem to care about that anymore.

"Nothing! It's not like that was the first time of him doing that."

The 'nothing' hadn't sound so normal how I had liked too, but that didn't seem to be what made something in Nyla's gaze playing crazy.

"It was not?!"

Shit.

"No..."

I told them honestly with my voice a little shaking.

"What- why- how- I-"

Angela let out a deep sigh and must've lost her words, what I really had never seen before.
I sighed.

"It happen caused by a coincidence. We got called to a crime scene and there was something up at the roof of the house..."

I started explaining and let my head go back to that day again.

---------------------------------------------------------

I stepped on the leader to see what was up on the roof. First I saw nothing special, but then I reached for something that looked like it could be from a body.

"Hey, what are you doing up there?"

Tim sounded a little surprised but fell into something teasing while saying that.

"Just... picking up... something."

God, I hated my shortness.
I went onto my tiptoes to get a little further.

"Carfull, shorty. Maybe I should get it."

Shorty? Oh, come on! He really loved that nickname, but I found it SO annoying.
I wasn't focused for just a second when I thought about answering Tim's question, wanted a little more up and-

"AH!"

I fell. For a short time, there was nothing under my feet, and I already saw myself death on a crime scene, when I felt someone catching me up.

Tim.

Relief rushed through my body and let me enjoy this moment for a short time. But after being happy about not dying I realized again. Tim! I was catched by TIM!
I felt his grip under my back and knees. Heat got send out from that place overcoming me. Something in my chest fluttered heavily when I turned to face him.

He was pale. Not like normal pale, no. He was whiter than a wall just standing there, having me in his arms and staring down at me in shock.

"God, you scared me!"

Was the first thing he seemed to get out after catching himself again.
But he didn't let me go. No. He just stood there with me like it was a usual thing. And it was definitely NOT usual. The heat going out from his hands still let me tangle hard.

"You could carrier me more often."

I just gave out, teasing. Not trusting myself to do something else.

"Oh yeah?"

He asked and had a smirk on his face that couldn't mean something good- and no, it definitely didn't.
I felt how he threw me up a little, scaring me to death with that.
I gasped for air, but fast was back into his arms again, where he gave me a triumph look.

"IDIOT!"

He catched a little slap for what I had looked up into his face and his eyes.
His eyes.
His ocean blue eyes. God, they were so perfect! I hadn't known how great eyes could shine before I met him.
My heartbeat immediately shot up, and the heat, of course, wasn't getting any better with this.

"But seriously Lucy, you scared me to death."

He sat me down gently.
I loved that on our friendship. It was so easy to turn from teasing to deeply caring. I didn't even want to think about I'd almost lost that a few months ago.

"I'm sorry..."

I gave him an apologizing look and finally moving the heat out of my body-

"It's okay. Just happy you're still here, shorty."

Nope. It stayed there and burned up into another flame.

---------------------------------------------------------

I just told them about how I had fallen down the leader and simply left away the part about my tangling after that.
But that was already enough to make them staring at me stunned.

"Oh, come on he just saved my life! Don't read to much into it, would've done the same for you!"

I pointed at Angela.

"Yes, but he would've let ME down after catching me!"

Yes, I had told them about that and was already regretting it.
Then I just sighed, waved my hand, played desperately, and went back to finish our ice creams. I didn't care to leave them stunned.
The rest of the dinner was like always, just still with a few smirks from Angela and the others.
Oh god.
Something else risked through my mind. If Angela knew it, it wouldn't take long until Tamara would know. In things with 'Chenford' they were best buddies. I mean, they had a GROUPCHAT over us.  I had tried that they delete it a few times, but it had never worked.

After we had finished the big fight about who pays, how much started again. It'd be SO easy! Everyone could just pay what you had eaten, but no, a few didn't check that.
Aaron and Wesley said it was okay for them to pay because they were rich. Tim said that he just wanted to be a gentleman and hadn't kids and a good salary. Grey wanted to pay because he was the one who REALLY had the best salary. The others didn't want to pay alone for it, but more because... I don't know, maybe just because they wanted to be nice.
I was the only one who DIDN'T want to pay because it was already enough for my month-budget to pay my own part.

"Okay, okay! Before we sit here for another hour, if it makes you guys happy, today Wesley pays. Next time, Aaron, and the month after that, James, Nyla, John, Bailey, Tim, and Celina together agreed?"

After short mumbling at the table, they just nodded, and I could sit down again. From the corner of my eye, I saw Wesley giving Aaron a triumph look but simply ignored that with an eye roll.

We all left the restaurant and said goodbye, but just for a short time, because now the REAL meet-up could start.
Everyone just had to drive home their kids, and then we could meet up at the bar.
Finally.

Chapter Text

I arrived at the bar as the first person, followed by Tim. Of course, we didn't have to bring any kids home. John, Bailey, Grey, and Luna had driven home because they had to work early in the next morning, so it was just Tim and me waiting for the others.
We already went inn- I stopped.
My eyes locked on a poster.

'Big Karaoke-evening, Monday 2.9.'

My heart stopped.
31,32,33...
O just stood there. My heart raced, heat overcame me, and a lump builded up in my throat.
No! That was not possible! I didn't forget it! I never would've forgotten that!

"Lucy, you're coming?"

I needed a few seconds until I realized what he had said.

"Uh... yeah... I, I'm coming."

I stuttered a little shaky. Then I went straight over to the bar, where I ordered two shots of double tequila, which I tipped down before Tim had followed me.
I tasted the source bitterly, running down my throat, but before really noticing that, I ordered the next one.

"Hey, why so thirsty? Do you wan-"

His gaze changed when he met my eyes, from teasing to concern. I avoided his gaze, which caused him to push my chin up slightly with his palm.
Normally, I would've spent more attention on the heat streaming through my body, from where he had touched me, but in that moment, I didn't care.

"Hey Luce, what's wrong?"

Luce. It still gave me a comforting warmth in my chest the few times it escaped from his lips.

"I forgot it."

"Forgot what?"

Something inside me pulled together and then gave me a sharp pain shooting through my mind. It made me feel sick and uncomfortable, and the situation had hit me like a stone rolling over me.

"It's... it's his 33rd birthday..."

A sob escaped from my throat.
Tim first looked a little confused, but after  reading my expression a little longer, he knew who I was talking about.
He sighed and then pulled me in for a hug.

"Come here. It's okay."

"No, it is not... he... he loved the 33rd birthday! He loved every birthday, like 11, 22, and 33... And he said he haus it that we couldn't celebrate the 22nd together so we make a big big Party for the 33rd... With karaoke, huge cakes and costumes and alcohol and-"

My voice broke, and the sobs took over. Tim hands gently brushed through my hair and rubbed my back until my breeze had catched it again. Then he pulled away a bit, and I could feel his look burning on my skin.

"Wanna go home?"

He asked me in a soft voice.

"I... we wanted to have a nice night and... it didn't overcome me like this so long... I'm sorry, I didn't want to..."

Tim interprupped me fast.

"Stop! I will take you home now, where you will vo to sleep and if I have to carry you into that bed."

His voice sounded soft but determined, so I just nodded and got up with Tim's help, noticing the first time the tequila I had ordered.
I let my, now a little wild curls, hung over my face and left the bar with Tim by my side.

I still couldn't believe I had forgotten it. He had talked so often about that birthday. I heard his voice echoing on my head...

"What's the 30th if you have the 33rd?"

We had planned how to celebrate that day since our time in the academy. We would take the day off and start with a special breakfast restaurant, 'Bblà'. After that, we would have gone to paint ball, Jackson loved paint ball. And then, for lunch, I would've made my special noodles with a family recipe sauce. And we would have got margaritas. Then we would've gone to John's and decorated his big house for a house party at the evening. Of course, we had to watch the new episode of 'Kids Marry Kill' before going to the bar. We would have met up with all of his friends there and had made a great karaoke session until the bar closed, and we had got to John's house where we had just drunk until the next day.
That was how Jackson's perfect 33rd birthday had looked like. And for some shitty coincidence, exactly at this day were a special karaoke day.
Great. Where the evening had started so well.

A car arrived in front of the bar, and Angela and Wesley got out.

"Hey guys, where are you going?"

I wasn't really able to speak, but Tim pulled me softly over to them.

"Uh... Lucy doesn't feel so well... she said something about Jackson's 33rd and-"

"OMG! This is THIS year!"

I saw a tear forming in Angela's eye. I just nodded.
Of course, she knew exactly why that was so hard, and I could tell it was for her, too.
She pulled me in for a hug, which I very welcomed.
We stood there for a short time, just hugging each other and sharing the same loss. Then Angela pulled away and offered me a weak smile, while a tear was running down her cheek.

I felt a comforting, heat gaving touch on my lower back, which gesture I welcomed and thanked with a smile for when I turned to Tim.

I faced Angela again and knew Tim would kill me for that.

"Wanna go in and drink on him?"

Her answer to that question was a hand, pulling me back into the bar.
I fastly glanced at Tim again, who just smirked, played desperately.

Chapter Text

I had decided to spend Jackson's birthday alone at home with a 'Kiss Marry Kill' Marathon. Jackson and I had been obsessed with this series, and if I say obsessed, then I mean like REALLY obsessed.
We had clothes, cups, and yes, even pens from it. Every day without weekend, a new episode had been published on TV. We had always watched it together, and if our shifts had crossed, we had streamed it on another day. The series had come to an end by now, but I still liked to watch it, especially the episodes Jackson and I had loved. Like season 3. It had been our absolutely favorite season, and I'm sure we had re-watched more than 10 times when we had been waiting for the 4th season.

I put on the TV and ate his favorite ice cream. I hadn't gotten really ready that day. I had gotten up from my bed, had eaten breakfast, had weared the 'Kiss Marry Kill' pullover, and had put my hair in a bun.
I sat there with a bucket of ice cream, but after ten minutes of the first episode, I added wine. I really needed alcohol.
Around 10:30, I had gotten a little tipsy or... maybe a little more than tipsy, and was yelling through my appatement about the stupidness of the characters in the 4th episode when I heard a knock on the door.

I wondered who it could be, because Tamara had slept at a friend's house and wanted to stay there until tomorrow, but the person who stood behind the door, holding a bottle of champagne, was someone I really hadn't expected.

"Tim? What are you doing here?"

He looked at me, up and down, like he was scanning me, but in this moment, I couldn't tell anymore if that was teasing or worrying in his face.
But I saw in his gaze that he noticed that I had been crying, and it softened his expression.

"Obviously, saving you from an alcohol death."

He pointed at the half empty bottle on my couch table and invited himself by stepping into my flat. I just stared at him, confused.

"What? Did you really think I'd leave you alone today and let you sink into your self-pity?"

Some people would say it's rude to tease me on a day like this, but he knew exactly that it made me feel better than to coddle me like an egg.
I offered him a little smile and closed the door behind him.

I hadn't put off the TV what turned out as a bad mistake. That was the reason I had wanted to spend that day alone. A scene played of, a very important scene in that series, where Jackson had jumped up from the couch and cheered when Winston finally told Kayla what he felt for her.
And without any warning, I busted into treats and shaked with my whole body.

In the first moment, Tim didn't seem to know what was happening, I actually didn't know by myself, but after this really short moment, he went one big step over to me and pulled me into a hug.
I know I shouldn't enjoy these hugs so much, but how couldn't I? The warmth of his body, silently comforting me, his hands gently brushing through my hair and smelling his scent, which was way too calming for a normal person to have.
We stood there like this for a few minutes until eventually pulling away, but still holding onto each other.
Again.
Starting in each other's eyes.
Again.
In bound with Jackson.
Again.
Confusenes caused by just INCHES between our faces.
Again.

A tear rolled down my cheek and I knew this one tear wasn't because of Jackson's dead, but ignoring it, and lucky he'd think it's because of him and wouldn't ask for the real reason.
But then he reached out his hand and brushed how palm gently over the skin of my cheek, whipping away the tear.
Electrecy was sent out from that point through my whole body. Something in my lower stomach tangled and heart stromed into my face, making my chest flutter heavy.

"Soo..."

His soft voice broke the silence we had kept as he pulled away.

"I see you're watching 'Kiss Marry Kill'."

He sighed.

"Sounds fun! But first,"

He stepped over to my couch table and took away the bottle of wine. Not fully realizing what was happening, I just followed his movement, silently with my eyes.

He wanted to sit down on the couch, but I still stood there, just staring at him and still not all over the past moment.
He looked at me for another second when I finally moved towards the couch, then sat down next to him.
Because he had taken away the wine, I had to get along with ice cream, which bucket I grabbed and continued eating it.

"Can I get something either?"

I nodded and pointed behind me to show him he could grab a spoon on his own.
He did that and sat down next to me again, putting his spoon into the bucket.

"So 'Kiss Marry Kill' love that show!"

The corner of my mouth rose up into a little smile.

"You hat that series!"

"No! I... I totally love it."

He tried but failed to lie at me.
I just gave him a knowing expression until he eventually sighed.

"Ok, ok."

"Why do you wanna watch it then?"

A smile appeared on his face.

"I may hate that series, but I don't hate you."

Butterflies, nice warmth, heat in my face, a flutter of happiness in my chest, and this all caused by a few simple words.
The first thing I thought about was teasing, of course, that'd be the sure way, but that had been so sweet... I really didn't want to tease him for it. I wanted to truly show him that what he had said meant something to me.
But I didn't trust my mouth, so I just cuddled up a little to him and offered him a little smile.

"So... what's going on there?"

He pointed to the TV.
I knew he didn't really care about the series, but obviously tried to cheer, so I explained it to him.

And with Tim being there, forcing, to feel the series completely and making me completely laugh with that, this horrible day was a little less horrible.

Chapter Text

When I came into work, three days later, Tim was acting wreid.
I first thought it was because of what had happened when he had been at my apartment, even if that hadn't really been something, but you can never know. That caused a known anxiety raising up, heavily in my chest. The fear of losing Tim. Not because he dies, no. Because he pushes me away, after a wreird moment between us. I knew I had made a mistake at the hotel in Vegas that time, and I regretted it so hard, but then he had sent me to UC school, and this fear, since a long time not felt anymore, came up again. In that moment.
Great.
I took a deep breath and went over to him.

"Hey, should I get the gear?"

I asked with my friendliest smile but stayed calm with my voice.
But I hadn't expected this reaction. When I talked, his face changed into something like... pain.

He then just nodded.
Didn't say something.
Didn't change his expression.

Shaky breaths.
Take a deep breath, Lucy. I told myself and did.
I took the gear and loaded them into the shop.
When I then went to the passenger seat, as always, I stopped abruptly. Tim sat in the passenger seat. TIM! Ok, something really had to be wrong.

"Ok, what's wrong?"

I opened the door of the car and got a confused stare as an answer.

"Huh?"

"Come on! I know you long enough to tell that something is wrong. And even if I didn't, you're sitting in the passenger seat!"

I gave him a knowing look but filled with concern, too. He finally opened his mouth just to say

"I'm okay."

He pulled his face together again because he knew that I knew what was going on now.

When he had talked out the words, it sounded raspy and painful. A little smirk flew over my face for a short time, but then changed into something worried.

"You sure?"

I asked, remembering what had been when he said that last time. We had ended up in the hospital with a bad concession. He nodded, so I took the back of my hand and put it I slightly against his forehead. My body, as always, heated up by the contact with him, but not that much.

"Hmhm. Of course, Mr. Stove. Get out!!"

I saw the protest in his face, so I pulled him out what let him groan a little.

"Ok, go to lockers! And if you won't, I will carry YOU!"

A slight smile appeared on his mouth.
Mission done.

I went to Greys office and waited for his agreement to come in.

"Hey Lucy, what's up?"

"Uh... Tim's sick and will go home now... And, I wanted to ask if I could take today off because we both know Tim isn't the person who takes good care of himself."

I saw a shadow coming over his face when he must've thought about the same day as I did.

"Of course."

His expression then changed into a little smirk, and he was about to say something, but I interrupted him.

"Nope! No!"

I knew where this would have gone to.

I waited in front of the locker room when Tim finally came out.

"Ok, so we'll drive to mine, and you will stay there until tomorrow!"

He opened his mouth to say something, but

"No! No more from you!"

And eith that he didn't say anything until we arrived at my apartment.

I let him lay down on the couch and got a thermometer from the bathroom.

"Ok, open your mouth."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really."

He opened his mouth, and I waited for the beeping, which took me a little too long, making me a bit nervous.

"103!... 103! God, Tim! You shouldn't have DRIVEN TO WORK!"

I hadn't wanted to, but I had gotten louder either every word until I screamed, what caused Tim to wince a little.

"Everything went ok, you were there."

He told me calmly, and I felt tears rising up in my throat.

"Yes! THIS TIME! This time, I noticed it before it was too late.! But last time I... I didn't..."

A sob.

"I didn't it had almost killed you! And you must've felt terrible, but you didn't say something or did something or..."

Another sobbs.
I felt Tim gently grabbing me on my lower arms and pulling me onto the couch.
Another touch.

"You... you never told me you're so upset about that, I-"

I grinned bitterly.

"Of course I didn't Tim! How should've I? I had just gotten you back! After I had gone to UC school, we fell apart! And we had needed so long to get friends again after that, I didn't want to destroy that, with being mad at you! I was afraid that you would push me away again! I wouldn't have been to go through this again!
So no, Tim. I didn't tell you! But I had been so afraid to lose you that I already felt haviley for a half year, when you just didn't answer the radio in like a ten seconds!"

He sat there and just stared at me.

Shit!

Chapter Text

He opened his mouth to say something-
My phone ringed. It ringed. It stopped Tim from talking to me.

Darkness. It got black in front of my eyes and because I had stood up while yelling at Tim. Tears formed in my eyes, and sobbs rose apo in my chest.

I had finally gotten over my shadow and talked out the clearly facts. The things which had happened between us, which we had never talked about. Even if we should have because it lied like a big stone on our friendship. It made fears coming up if we got too close. But that had changed. The stone hed gotten tinier. The weight had gotten easier to carry. We had a let happen a lot of moments, but even when we both wanted it, which I knew we did, we had never given in.

Angela.
Her name was on the phone, when I found my gripp again and could see, blurry.

"Hi, Ange."

I kept my voice as calm as possible.

"Hey, I heard Tim is sick. Is he ok?"

"Yeah, He has a fever and these things, but I think it's ok."

"You sure? You sound... shaky."

"Yeah, it's alright."

"Hmhm... ok. Call me if it changes."

I knew she still didn't buy me, but she let it down.

"I will. See you tomorrow!"

I hung up and turned around to Tim, already opening my mouth-
he had fallen asleep. And I felt.. nothing.

I hadn't the power to let this go through me again. I just hook the blanket and put it on him.

After a too hot shower, I fell into my bed and, after another three hours, finally asleep.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][]

When I woke up the next morning, I had decided to take another day off, I felt like hell.
My throat hurt, my head could've killed me, and I felt nausess and weak.

My period cramps, hitting in by that moment, of course, didn't help either.

I got up and tumbled for first. When I could stand again, I went into the living room to look after Tim.

"Morning! I'm already feeling better, and my fever went down on 100,4!"

Obviously, HE was better, but for me, it sounded like he was screaming and making my head explode.
I was so bad that I simply ignored the akwardness in his voice.

"Not talking? Normally, you're the one who-"

"Could you just shut up?!"

I asked a little too harsh why I, even when it hurt like hell, added a

"Sorry."

I needed a break from moving, so I leaned down on the counter when a wave of coldness overcame me.

I stayed like this for short.

"Hey, you ok?"

Tim was gently touching my lower arm.

Another touch.

"God, Lucy, you're burning!"

He slightly pushed up my cin with his one hand and then felt my forehead with the other, like I did with him before.

More touches.

"Oh god. Come over on the couch."

He helped me to walk over and put the thermometer, which was still lying on the little couch table.
He put it into my mouth and kept it there for a while. A long while. So long, that I noticed that his blanket was still comfy warm from him. I sunk into it and had almost fallen asleep when it eventually beeped.

"103,5. That's high... Ok, I'll give you ibuprofen and look if it goes down, if not we have to go to the hospital."

I nodded in agreement. He came back with the meds and a glass of water, but just before I wanted to take it, another cramp hit in, which caused me to groan in pain.

I noticed Tim's brain working a little.

"Period, right?"

He then asked softly. Of course he knew, he always did.

I nodded, and then he got up, walking into the bathroom. I took the meds when he came back with a warmth-pad in his hand. Simply smiling, I took it, thankfully.

"Ok, sooo... sick buddies couch day?"

He talked extra silent and calmly to not making my head hurting.

"Yeah! Sounds great!"

[][][][][][][][][][][][][]

Later that day, my fever had gotten down a little, Tamara came home from another sleepover at her bestfriends appatement. I knew she wanted to move with her, but still hadn't asked me yet because she didn't want to leave me alone here.

"Hey Luce-"

"Psst! Not that loud, please."

I told her, and she looked a little confused.

"She's sick."

Tim pointed at me.

"You, too."

I looked at him teasing when another cramp hit in.

"And period."

He added and slowly massaged my stomach. The heat of the touch was incredible, but I didn't think it was wreid in the opposite to Tamara, who looked like we were having sex in front of her.
He didn't do that the first time. He had a big sister and helped with that when she was younger, and now he helped me. With something he did for his SISTER! I didn't get Tamaras problem.

I threw Tamara a 'don't say anything' look, and luckily, she just said

"Oh, sounds bad. Hope you two get better... uh... I would go to Sarah again and sleep there for another night if that would be OK."

Ok. We couldn't contuine it like that I knew she wanted to move and I didn't want to keep her from that anymore. So I got up. Too fast. I tumbled, and Tim carefully held me. I offered him a little smile and could feel the burning look from Tamara. But when I turned around, I could definitely tell that she was confused.

"We have ho talk about something!"

Something in her expression turned scared by this scentence, even if I really didn't want to scare her. We went into her room, which door I had opened, sat down her on her bed, and showed her to sit down next to me.

"Ok."

I started.

"We both know that you wanna move to Sarah."

"Uh... no... I..."

She stuttered nervously.

"Tamara, it's okay! I heard you talking about it with her. And I don't wanna keep you back from it. If you wanna move there, do it!"

"I... I don't wanna leave you alone, you know?"

Oh god. She wouldn't leave me alone when she made something, what would make her happy.

"Tamara, you don't leave me alone! Go and live your life! Your 22! You should travel, go on parties and love!"

"It's not that easy..."

She sighed.

"What do you mean?"

And again, there was something like fear in her face, so I took her hand and looked into her eyes.

"It... Sarah... She wants to move together with me, of course we're best friends, but... she is..."

Tears formed up in her eyes. And then I solved the jigsaw. Did she try to say...

"Do you... like her?"

"I... "

She nodded.

"I just don't know if she likes me back... I mean, I know she likes girls, but does she like me? I mean, we kissed, but-"

Wait. Did I hear right? They kissed? I got excited for her even when I was a little hurt because she hadn't told me before.
A tear rolled down her face while telling it to me.

"You KISSED? How did that happen?"

My throat hurted but I ignored that when I interrupted her. This was more important.

"We were drunk... and then we never talked about it again... maybe she just forgot it. Who knows?"

"No! You have to ask her! Talk to her! Tell her what you feel and maybe... she feels the same."

I offered her a sweet smile.

"You think so?"

"Yes, try it! Cause maybe..."

"Yes, maybe."

Yes, maybe. Maybe she feels the same. Maybe Tamara would tell her that she feels something, and maybe Sarah feels it too. Maybe Sarah wouldn't screw with saying stupid shitty stuff. Maybe Tamara wouldn't send her away. Maybe they wouldn't fall apart. Maybe they would go over the fear of screwing their friendship. Maybe they would become a couple. Maybe they would get married and have kids. Maybe they would tell each other that they love each other's everyday. Maybe they would move together, sleep in a bed together, and have a great life.
Maybe they wouldn't end up like Tim and I had.

Maybe.

Now, I was the one who had a tear roling down her cheek, and because my body must've found funny, another cramp hit in.

"Hey, you alright?"

"Yeah... just a cramp."

I could read in her expression that she had noticed I had started crying before the cramp.

"Lucy..."

"No, it's ok. I'm sick... I should lie back on couch my head hurts. Have luck with Sarah! You will get this! But tell her, and if she says something wrong, don't push her away! Ask if she meant what she said! You'll get this Tam."

I hugged her, and she, a little confused, offered me a smile.

I went back to the living room where Tim lay on the couch, just like he had when I had left.

"Hey, have you been crying?"

Worry was written all over his face.

"Just another cramp... and I think fever went up again."

I sat down, and he put a hand on my forehead.

"Maybe..."

With his palms, he gently wiped my tears away and showed me to lay down. I did, and he went on with this great massage.

"Thanks."

"Always."

After a few minutes, I fell asleep with his hands slowly moving on my lower stomach.

Chapter Text

A week later, Tim had stayed at mine for all of the time and had taken care of me, we were able to get back to work.
And how the universe wanted was this day Tim's birthday. I didn't know why he never took the day off on his birthday, but I thought he just wasn't the birthday type. But actually? I don't care. Of course I prepared something for his birthday.

When he arrived at the station and went into the breakroom before rollcall, I had set up a birthday cake, champagne, without alcohol of course, and a few people from the station and other who were important to him.
Because I definitely WAS a birthday type.

"Comgratulatians!"

We all yelled when he entered the room. He laughed a little nervous. Then he faced me.

"I told to stop doing that!"

"And I said I won't!"

I giggled, and Tim got a big hug from his sister showing up behind all the people.

"Genny!... Hi, what are you doing here?"

"It's my brother's birthday! And Lucy texted me that we're making a little party."

He rolled his eyes in fun.

"Of course she did."

He got more hugs and congratulations until we eventually had to start with patrol.

It was a quiet shift until we got a call for a big fire.
Bailey was already there and helped the firefighters. Of course, she just gave directions and didn't go in on her own. She really loved her job, but she'd never do anything that could be bad for her baby.

But there. A Crack. A big beam from the roof falls down. And it was exactly over her.

"Bay-"

But before I could end my sentence, Tim had already reacted faster and pushed Bailey away.

Boom.

My heart stopped beating. He had pushed Bailey away, but now HE was lying under it. Unconsioness.
No. No! NO! That couldn't happen! He couldn't die! I needed him! I wanted him to be there forever! He couldn't just die like that.
I felt nausess. Weak. Terrible.

"TIM!"

I ran over to him and shook him carefully.

"Tim! Tim, hey, you have to wake up! It's your birthday, you can't die!"

I shook him a little harder, tears burning up in my eyes and fear exhausting every inch of my body.

"Genny needs you! And your nephews a d the station! And I need you! Tamara needs you. We all need you to stay! Come on, Tim. COME ON!"

I screamed the last part caused by my desperateness. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder.
Bailey.

"He still has a pulse. Give him oxigen and get him out there! And hurry up, this man saved my life!"

I heard that Bailey was crying, too.

And then everything went blurred. They got Tim away from under the beam and then loaded him into the ambulance.
And then, they drove away. The adrenaline flushed out from my body, and my fear had space to kick in. Too much space.

The sobs and tears got harder, and then... I felt a known anxiety rosing up my chest. This kind of anxiety who made it almost impossible to breathe. Which let shake every inch of your body and your legs fainting away. Which made everything moving to you and taking all of the space you had. The one which made your thoughts way too loud even if they weren't clear but everything around silent.
I knew this anxiety. I had felt a few times after I had survived Caleb.

I was having a panic attack.

"Lucy! LUCY!"

After a time, which had felt like forever, Bailey's voice echoed in my head.

"Hey, he is going to be OK! You hear me? He will be fine! It's Tim! He is strong and will survive that like nothing! So please, Lucy, look at me and breathe!"

He is going to be OK! He is going to be OK! He is going to be OK!

I finally took a deep breath.

"He is going to be OK!"

I then whispered, and Bailey nodded.

"Yes, he will."

And he must be.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][[][][][][]

We arrived at the hospital, where I ran over to the reception.

"Hi, eh... Tim Bradford? The officer."

She looked down on her board and then on her computer. Slow. VERY SLOW!

"Hey, could you hurry up, please?"

I was definitely nervous and wanted to apologize, but then she said something.

"Sorry... he's still in surgery."

"Ok, thanks."

I took a few deep breaths. It'll be OK. And then something else shot into my mind. Angela.
I took our my phone and delayed her.

"Hi, Luce... You good?"

"Uh... no... Well, yeah. I am good, but Tim-"

"Lucy, what happened?"

She interprupped me panickly.

"He saved Bailey from a down falling beam, but... then the beam fell down on him... He's in surgery now. We're at shaw."

"Uh... God, I-"

A hard sob escaped her.

"There in five!"

I picked up the phone and focused on not letting my thoughts take all the space in my head because that wouldn't end good.

And then Angela had already arrived.
We greeted when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
Bailey.
She must've finished getting exaimed.

"Hey, you better now?"

"Uh... yeah. I'm ok."

Angela looked worried at me. But I wasn't the one she should be worried about! Tim was lying in surgery, probably with injuries, and was losing a lot of blood, and-
No! My pulse had started speeding up, so I had to stop myself thinking about that and snapped back into reality.

"What happened?"

Angela then asked.

"Nothing. I'm good."

I gave Bailey a 'please don't tell her' look, but of course she did. And if I'm being honest, I would've done the same.

"She had a panic attack."

"What?! I thought they were over since long time!"

"They are. It wasn't a real panic attack... I was just... worried."

"Lucy, you didn't hear me! You couldn't breeze. Your heartbeat had shot up extremely, and you cried so hard."

"I... yes, maybe it was, but can we talk about that later?"

Angela gave me a soft smile and then hugged me tightly.

And then, we had to wait. Just to wait.

One hour.

Two hours.

Three.

Four.

I fell asleep while recording one of my favorite memories in my head.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Period on shift.

Great.
And the worst thing was, it was not like every other, no. It was more painful, more annoying, just more everything.

I knew that Tim had noticed I had got it yesterday, despite the fact that he had known it since my rookie time but never really mentioned it.
But always, if I had them, he was softer. He didn't take too many calls and allowed me to eat in the shop.
Well, he was pretty bad in hiding at that point, but I didn't really care. I liked that.

Another cramp hit in, and I really had to pull myself together not to curl up or groan. But I sighed a little what he noticed in less than a second.

He glanced over to me.

"You ok? Or should we  make a quick stop?"

"Yeah, I'd like to."

I told him with a tight voice, trying to hide the size of my pain.

When we stopped, I went straight to the restroom and collapsed onto the floor. After five minutes, I was finally in a comfy position, and even if I knew I had to get up, I didn't really wanted to.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Shit! Who the hell was that?

"Lucy? You alright?"

Tim.
No! I wanted to tell him not to come in, but my mouth had different plans.

"Yeah. Just give me a- ahh."

I couldn't hold it back. It had hurt tok badly.

"I come in, ok?"

"Ok."

He entered the room and saw me curled up on the floor.
With pointing next to me, he asked if he could sit down, and I agreed.

"That bad?"

I nodded.

"You know, I have a little sister, and my parents were almost never home, and so she got her first period when the only person in the house was me. And it hurt badly, so I helped her with a little... massage... I I'm able to..."

I nodded again.

When he slowly pulled up my shirt, my hole body shivered in a way just he could do. Ans then he pit his hand on my stomach. Heat flushed through my body, and something between my legs rumored.
And then, the pain started leaving.
My body calmed, and the cramps stopped. I sighed happily.

"Thanks."

"Of course. That's what friends are there for."

In one way, the word 'friends' tasted bitter on my toungue. In the other, my heart filled up with emotions when he said that.

And I felt so much better.

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Lucy?"

Angela shook me slightly.

"Lucy! Hey!"

I slowly started waking up, still enjoying this memory dream.

"Hey, you ok? You moved a lot..."

"Uh... yeah... nice memory."

I whispered the last part under my breath, but of course, Angela had heard it.

"What memory?"

"Nope..."

"Lucyyyy... Don't make me beg you to!"

She giggled, and my mood got a little happier by that. This felt good.

I discussed with Angela for another while until I eventually gave in and told her the story.
She reacted with a shocked face, and I, of course, even hadn't told her the part how much my body had been shivering.

"He MASSAGED your LOWER stomach?"

"Shhh! Not the entire hospital has to know!"

I hissed over to her and then added silently and a little nervous

"Yes?"

She stayed out for words again. Was it rellay such a big deal if a man did that to a woman who wasn't his girlfriend? Couldn't he just have done that to his best friend?
Angela's mouth eventually started forming a word when she got interrupted by a doctor who asked for Tim's members.

"Here!"

I stood up and felt anxiety flushing up into my chest again. The warmth from the past moment had gone away.

"Well, the surgery went well. He will wake up in the next hour. You can go see him now. Room 673."

Tears came into my eyes. Tears of relief. Because I felt indescribably relieved. I had never felt something like this before.

I rushed into Tim's room and hugged him even when he wasn't awake.

Relieve.

Incredibly relived.

Chapter Text

After a while, which felt like forever, I felt Tim's fingers slowly moving. I had wrapped my hand into his and now jumped up from the little movement. I had almost fallen asleep, but now I was fully awake again.

"Tim?"

He shifted a little in his hospital bed while groaning a little, slowly waking up.

"OMG!"

His eyes opened slowly, and without hesitating a second, I hugged him tightly. His answer was a little groan, probably in pain, so I loosened a bit of my grip but still held onto him.

"Hi."

He let out weakly, and tears started running down my face.

"Hi-i-i-i."

I greeted him back and pulled back to face him.

"How do you feel?"

"Like a beam has fallen down on me."

A giggle escaped from me.

"Don't dare to do something like this to me again."

I then added in a serious tone.

"I thought I'd lost you."

I felt another wave of tears flashing into my eyes when I hugged him tightly again.

"You didn't... and you won't, Lucy."

Yeah, I really hoped so.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

I couldn't sleep.
I layed in my bed that night and couldn't close my eyes. Fear made his way everywhere in my body and kept me awake.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I tried to think about something else, but
I couldn't lose Tim.
I really couldn't.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
My pulse went up.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
My breeze went heavy.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I couldn't lose Tim.
I wasn't able to breeze anymore.
I wasn't able to scream.
To move.
To do anything.
I COULDN'T LOSE TIM!
Tears rushed over my cheek, but I was silent. I didn't do a noise.
It was a terrible feeling. I wanted it to end, but it didn't. It held on for a too long time until I eventually drifted to sleep.
Finally.

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

Bumm.
The shot was fired.
And there was blood. On my face. On my hands.
On Tim.
Because it was Tim's blood. And after a few seconds, I pressed on the wound all the time, his eyes got wide and were open all the time.
No pulse. No warmth.
He was dead.

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

"LUCY!"

Tamaras voice echoed against the walls of my room as I shot up, covered all over in sweat. I was burning, my pulse could've taken my heart and jumped out of my chest, and my lungs didn't feel big enough to get enough oxygen to breeze.

"A dream... OMG... it... was... just a... dream."

I cried in relief and half screamed while it.
Then Tamara hugged me tighly. She looked scared, so scared...

"I'm sorry..."

The fear from her face disappeared and changed into concern.

"Lucy, you... you screamed in your dream. I mean... are you ok? No, you're not... what's wrong? What is bothering you so much that you had such a horrible dream?"

"It's ok. Just... Tim almost died today, think that just feared me..."

Tam just slowly nodded and then started smiling.

"Okay... well, I wanted to tell you something..."

Her smile grew even wider.
What was that supposed to mean?
What did her mood change in seconds like THIS?
Then I remembered. Maybe I shouldn't ask what. I should ask WHO?
I offered her a smile and raised an eyebrow.

"She kissed me back! Well, we talked about me moving in with her and I got nervous, I almost hadn't said something, but then I did and as answer she kissed me."

She said something. She had said something. Tamara had the confidence to do something. I hadn't.

A tear rolled down my face as I hugged Tamara, happy for her, but sad about my own stupidness.

"That's great, Tam!... That's great..."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][]

I still had a few of this ... I wouldn't say panick-attacks and horrible nightmares.
After two weeks, Tim got released from the hospital, and I went there to take him home.

"Heyyy! How are you?"

I hugged him carefully.

"Nothing has changed since yesterday. And that day before. You visited me every day. You should know how I feel."

He made me giggle, and I enjoyed the feeling as I went to him to help him into my car.

"You won't just drop me off and go again, right?"

I shook my head.

"You helped me when I had broken leg, too, one year ago."

He couldn't say something against that, so he just smiled and got a little sleepy while we drove to my apartment.
I stopped the car in front of the big building in which he lived and looked over to the fully asleep Tim.

"Hey, sleeping beauty."

I shook him slightly.

"Wake up."

He groaned, then turned to face me and gave me a soft smile, which let something in my stomach flutter.
I got out of my car over to his side and helped him into his house.

It was late afternoon, and because Tim looked SO sleepy, I decided that him and I would go to bed.
I prepared the sofa for myself and  changed into more comfy clothes. As I had calmed enough to almost fall asleep, a known fear came up again.
Falling asleep had been esieaier the last night's. After the first nightmare, Tamara had decided to sleep in bed with me, so that was my first night alone since then.

I couldn't lose Tim.

I tried to swipe that thought away because I knew he lied in his bed, save, just a door afar.
But it didn't go away.
The anxiety grew, breezing got harder, walls came closer, moving im-

I could move. Everything burned, but I was able to move. I had an idea. Before that would get worse than it already was, I could go into Tim's room and see him laying totally fine in his bed.

Tears rushed down my cheeks, tasting salty on my toungue, sobs took over, and breezing was still hard.

As silent as possible, I entered Tim's bedroom and saw laying there asleep.

HE WAS FINE!

I told myself.

He was fine!
He was fine!
He was fine!
He was fine!
He was fine!

No effect.

And even when I went on. The problem was, it got even worse. I didn't understand that. My burning skin took over, and I sunk down to the floor, not able to move anymore.

I didn't know how much time went past when I saw Tim moving in his bed from the corner of my eye.

He groaned slightly, saw me, and jumped up, as good as he could like that, and sat down next to me.

"Lucy, what's wrong? Hey?"

He hugged me, and I hugged him back, feeling his heartbeat.

His heart was beating.

I could hear it. I could feel it.
Because it was there. He was alive. He was fine.

My beat slowed down, my sobbs got less, and the shaking ended.

I looked up at him and smiled softly.

"Nothing. It's ok now... And Tim, we do not talk about that promised?"

I saw tears forming in his eyes.

"But Lucy thi is... that was... Lucy, you're not ok."

I turned my face away.
I knew I was not ok. I knew this wasn't supposed to happen. I knew that I wasn't fine. But I would be. Tim was fine, but I saw that. Why did it still happen?

And then it hit me. I was afraid to lose Tim. I was afraid to lose Tim BEFORE I told him what I felt. And I knew I knew I felt something. And I knew to get better, I had to tell him.

"Promised?"

I asked again. I would tell him later... maybe...
He shook his head in concern but looked at me and

"Promised."

Chapter Text

The sofa was as comfy as it had always been. It had a calming olive green, and grey-green pillows were placed in every corner of it.
But even when this was a nice colormatch and pretty comfy, I felt completely uncomfortable. I knew this sofa. I had already sat in it. It stood in a room with light grey walls, a little desk made from wood, and the matching chair behind it. On the chair sat a mid aged woman with black straight hair in a bun, softly smiling at me. And this woman... I had seen her the last time after... after Caleb.
She had been my therapist. I had to go to her for three months, but because I really liked her, I had stayed a whole year.

Tim had promised me not to talk with me about it, so he had called Kate Bankin.
He had called already in the night, but to not leave me simply took me with him into the kitchen. After that, he had asked me if I wanted to sleep with him in his bed. I had just nodded and agreed because one, I had been too exhausted for anything else and two, I had liked his offer.
And when we had layed there, next to each other, he had pulled me to him to snuggle as close as I wanted. I had hesitated. I hadn't wanted to hurt him, but then I just did it.
And just after breakfast, without any word, he had driven me here and left me alone in a room with her.

"So... Tim has told me about what happened yesterday... Do you wanna tell me, or do I have to pull it out?"

She offered me a sweet smile.

"You can't tell him if I tell you, ok?"

She nodded.

"It started after a few days ago. On his birthday, a beam had fallen down on him. I thought I lost him... There, I had the first panick attack. It was like they had always been, you know? But the second... I layed in my bed that evening, he had woken up so I had left hospital when visitor time was over. Well, I layed there and... couldn't stop thinking about losing Tim. I wasn't able to move, or breeze, or scream, but it was there and when I had fallen asleep, I had a nightmare and screamed... And the attacks were a bit better because my roommate had slept with me in my bed. The dreams were still as bad as the first... and last night, I layed there alone and got another attack. I wanted to calm myself by seeing him fine, but it didn't work until he woke up and hugged me..."

This all had just come out, and I saw that Kate wanted to say something. After she had processed what I had told her, but I interrupted her.

"Before you say what you think, I... I know what I have to do, where it comes from, but I'm too afraid."

She thought about that and then asked me what it was. I hesitated but decided to tell her.

"I have to tell Tim what I feel."

She smiled, and it almost looked like... yes. Like triumph.

"So you finally admitted it, huh?"

I couldn't help but giggle.

"Was it so obviously?"

"Definetly."

Her expression turned serious and filled with a little concern, too, again.

"But Lucy, to react so strong about that isn't normal. So... let's make a deal for you to get better."

"What kind of deal?"

I narrowed my eyebrows and wondered what she thought about.

"You stay in therapy until you told him, but you have to tell him in the next six weeks, ok?"

Six weeks. A bit of anxiety rose up in my chest. But she was right. I had to tell him. Six weeks. Should be possible. Had to be possible.
I took another deep breath before answering

"Fine."

She gave me a soft smile.

"Good."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

Tim and I had shared a quiet ride home. When we walked back into his house, I knew exactly what his expression meant. It looked like a typical 'I am sorry'.
And there. He was already opening his mouth when I interrupted him.

"I know. I know... And it's okay even when you promised me... but the only thing I can say is... you will find out soon, ok?"

I knew that wasn't that what he wanted to hear, but was happy when he left it like that.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

After three weeks of living with Tim, I had to admit I had been happy to lay in my own bed again. Sleeping hadn't been that a big problem anymore. There were no panic attacks, and just here and there were a little nightmare. Maybe it had helped laying next to Tim... I had stayed with him to take care, even if we had ended up living together roommates. Just the night before, he came back to work, I had slept at home. I had to admit that I had stayed so long hadn't just been because of the taking care of Tim thing. To be honest, sleeping alone in my apartment wasn't the thing I loved. I had liked to share it with someone, talking to someone every day and almost never being alone. But two weeks ago, Tamara had moved out to her girlfriend and apologized a hundred times to leave me alone, but I told her not to worry. It would've been selfish not to let her move to her first love.

Anyway, I walked into the station, of course, already seeing Tim standing in Greys office. He had to be at the desk for a few more weeks, but really wanted to go back to work, so he was ready to do a LOT of paperwork.
When he came out of the office, something seemed to annoy him slightly, but his face immediately lighted up when he saw me walking up to him.

"Hey, something's wrong?"

He sighed.

"My first day back at work, and we are doing 'Team-building'"

He rolled his eyes, but I jumped up in happiness. I loved activities like this where the whole station did something together.
Later in roll call, Grey informed us about everything.

"Well, the first thing we will do is to write down things that we like about the other person. Of course, we will pick ot out randomly who we have to make this compliment. Everyone will get three people in this room."

After that, he walked around with a bowl from where everyone had to take three names.

I opened the first piece of paper and read the name. Kyla Percy. I looked over at her, who was laughing with Paxton again. God, they should get together, then started writing down a few things that popped into my mind.
The second name was Cole Whistle. I hadn't worked a lot with him, but remembered how people talked good about him and wrote down a few things.
When I was finished, I unfolded the last piece of paper, and the name on it was... Tim Bradford.

Butterflies gre in my stomach. Thing I likThe sofa was as comfy as it had always been. It had a calming olive green, and grey-green pillows were placed in every corner of it.
But even when this was a nice colormatch and pretty comfy, I felt completely uncomfortable. I knew this sofa. I had already sat in it. It stood in a room with light grey walls, a little desk made from wood, and the matching chair behind it. On the chair sat a mid aged woman with black straight hair in a bun, softly smiling at me. And this woman... I had seen her the last time after... after Caleb.
She had been my therapist. I had to go to her for three months, but because I really liked her, I had stayed a whole year.

Tim had promised me not to talk with me about it, so he had called Kate Bankin.
He had called already in the night, but to not leave me simply took me with him into the kitchen. After that, he had asked me if I wanted to sleep with him in his bed. I had just nodded and agreed because one, I had been too exhausted for anything else and two, I had liked his offer.
And when we had layed there, next to each other, he had pulled me to him to snuggle as close as I wanted. I had hesitated. I hadn't wanted to hurt him, but then I just did it.
And just after breakfast, without any word, he had driven me here and left me alone in a room with her.

"So... Tim has told me about what happened yesterday... Do you wanna tell me, or do I have to pull it out?"

She offered me a sweet smile.

"You can't tell him if I tell you, ok?"

She nodded.

"It started after a few days ago. On his birthday, a beam had fallen down on him. I thought I lost him... There, I had the first panick attack. It was like they had always been, you know? But the second... I layed in my bed that evening, he had woken up so I had left hospital when visitor time was over. Well, I layed there and... couldn't stop thinking about losing Tim. I wasn't able to move, or breeze, or scream, but it was there and when I had fallen asleep, I had a nightmare and screamed... And the attacks were a bit better because my roommate had slept with me in my bed. The dreams were still as bad as the first... and last night, I layed there alone and got another attack. I wanted to calm myself by seeing him fine, but it didn't work until he woke up and hugged me..."

This all had just come out, and I saw that Kate wanted to say something. After she had processed what I had told her, but I interrupted her.

"Before you say what you think, I... I know what I have to do, where it comes from, but I'm too afraid."

She thought about that and then asked me what it was. I hesitated but decided to tell her.

"I have to tell Tim what I feel."

She smiled, and it almost looked like... yes. Like triumph.

"So you finally admitted it, huh?"

I couldn't help but giggle.

"Was it so obviously?"

"Definetly."

Her expression turned serious and filled with a little concern, too, again.

"But Lucy, to react so strong about that isn't normal. So... let's make a deal for you to get better."

"What kind of deal?"

I narrowed my eyebrows and wondered what she thought about.

"You stay in therapy until you told him, but you have to tell him in the next six weeks, ok?"

Six weeks. A bit of anxiety rose up in my chest. But she was right. I had to tell him. Six weeks. Should be possible. Had to be possible.
I took another deep breath before answering

"Fine."

She gave me a soft smile.

"Good."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

Tim and I had shared a quiet ride home. When we walked back into his house, I knew exactly what his expression meant. It looked like a typical 'I am sorry'.
And there. He was already opening his mouth when I interrupted him.

"I know. I know... And it's okay even when you promised me... but the only thing I can say is... you will find out soon, ok?"

I knew that wasn't that what he wanted to hear, but was happy when he left it like that.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

After three weeks of living with Tim, I had to admit I had been happy to lay in my own bed again. Sleeping hadn't been that a big problem anymore. There were no panic attacks, and just here and there were a little nightmare. Maybe it had helped laying next to Tim... I had stayed with him to take care, even if we had ended up living together roommates. Just the night before, he came back to work, I had slept at home. I had to admit that I had stayed so long hadn't just been because of the taking care of Tim thing. To be honest, sleeping alone in my apartment wasn't the thing I loved. I had liked to share it with someone, talking to someone every day and almost never being alone. But two weeks ago, Tamara had moved out to her girlfriend and apologized a hundred times to leave me alone, but I told her not to worry. It would've been selfish not to let her move to her first love.

Anyway, I walked into the station, of course, already seeing Tim standing in Greys office. He had to be at the desk for a few more weeks, but really wanted to go back to work, so he was ready to do a LOT of paperwork.
When he came out of the office, something seemed to annoy him slightly, but his face immediately lighted up when he saw me walking up to him.

"Hey, something's wrong?"

He sighed.

"My first day back at work, and we are doing 'Team-building'"

He rolled his eyes, but I jumped up in happiness. I loved activities like this where the whole station did something together.
Later in roll call, Grey informed us about everything.

"Well, the first thing we will do is to write down things that we like about the other person. Of course, we will pick ot out randomly who we have to make this compliment. Everyone will get three people in this room."

After that, he walked around with a bowl from where everyone had to take three names.

I opened the first piece of paper and read the name. Kyla Percy. I looked over at her, who was laughing with Paxton again. God, they should get together, then started writing down a few things that popped into my mind.
The second name was Cole Whistle. I hadn't worked a lot with him, but remembered how people talked good about him and wrote down a few things.
When I was finished, I unfolded the last piece of paper, and the name on it was... Tim Bradford.

Butterflies grew in my stomach. Thing I liked about Tim Bradford... where should I start? His beautiful ocean blue eyes? His caring-overprotecting way? The way he laughs about our jokes? The way he looks out for children? The way he's carrying me? Building me up? Making me laugh? Making me loving him? The way he-
Stop. A little bit back. YES! I had talked ot out loud in my mind. I loved Tim Bradford!

Chapter Text

I love you.

I wrote it down on the little piece of paper in my hand. But then I panicked. I couldn't do it. Not yet. So I put the paper into my pocket, together with Tims name, and wrote down another things I liked about him. When this game was done, Grey explained the next one.

"Ok, everyone. In the next game, you pull a name and make this person a little present. You pull just one name and have time until tomorrow to get it."

Like he said, everyone pulled a name, and I got John. I smiled. John was good. I already had an idea what to do. At home, I had a few babytoys from my childhood laying at home and would buy cute bodies.

The rest of the day went very nicely, even if it was a little hectical. In all of this, I hadn't had the time to see Tim or to open the three little papers in my pocket. But at the end of the day in the locker room, I pulled out the papers, but they fell onto the floor. Before I could grab it, Angela already gave them back to me, while noisey openening one.

"Oooh, this one was for Tim-"

I wanted to take it back from her because I knew which one she held in her hand. But she had already unfolded it fully and read it out loud.

"I love you!"

She gasped and then looked up at me before offering me a soft smile.

"So you love him, huh?"

A bit panick rose up in my chest but then fell down in relief.

"Yess! God! It's so nice to tell someone."

With another sigh, I sat down on the bench, and Angela couldn't hold back a giggle.

"You finally realized it?"

"Yes... and I know I have to tell him... but... how?"

A wide grin formed in Angela's face before she couldn't hold her laughing back anymore.

"Well, to be honest? The second game... me and Nyla swiped names a bit to get yours and Tim to set you up on a fake date."

She- what? I knew they kinda shipped us but that they'd go so far? I couldn't help but giggle at this.

"Really?"

"Yesss! We couldn't watch you two anymore without ripping each other's clothes off!"

"I-"

Angela. I just shook my head while played annoyed, rolling my eyes.

But, maybe it wouldn't be a that bad idea...

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

I arrived at the location Angela told me. I hadn't awesred something extremely special because I knew exactly that Tum didn't know that I was coming to this date or better that anyone was coming.

I'm good undercover, so it wasn't hard to play surpriseness when he arrived and sat down at the same table. Our 'Dinner' went very nicely, and I wanted to bring up the braveness to tell him what I felt.

He walked me up to my apartment while we were still laughing until we stopped in front of my door. I was surprised. I hadn't even said a word about my feelings at that point, but his lips seemed to move closer to mine.

Closer...

And closer...

Closer...

Closer...

And then he pulled away, something I couldn't read slimming in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I- I know you don't feel so. You never did. You told me at the hotel. I'm sorry..."

_______________________________________

"It just doesn't feel like pretend."

For a heavy moment, Tim's words hung in the air when I tried to pull my words together.

"It's an intimate act... I mean..."

Wait! What was I talking about there? Why did this stupid stuff flood out of my mouth? Of course, I liked him.

"We had to be dead inside for to not triggered something..."

No! Stop it!

"It's basic biology..."

Boom. There I said it. Why? Of course, I panicked to tell him about what I really felt for him but so panicked that I talked this kind of shitty stuff? In that moment, I had to hold back my tears I. I didn't mean to hurt him and I could see the pain in his eyes. And I should've said something! I should've taken it back.
But I didn't. I didn't say something else.

I didn't.

_______________________________________

I should've said something. But I didn't.

And in that moment, I realized it had been the stupidest thing I had ever done. I had ruined my life.

Chapter Text

Don't tell him.

Don't tell him.

Don't tell him!

DON'T TELL HIM!

My mind screamed that sentence louder and louder, but there I knew, I would ignore it. I wouldn't let that voice ruin my life again. Maybe he wouldn't feel the same, but if he does, I had to know. I knew I had to.

"I'm sorry..."

I saw the confusion in his face as I went on with explaining.

"I did the wrong thing at the hotel, ok?"

Now, shock was written all over his face. We had never talked abouth what had happened in the hotel or in my apartement. But even if we had, I hadn't told him what I told him now, there. But I had to try it. I had at least to try telling him that I loved him even if it could go wrong.

"Tim. of course, it wasn't just pretended! How could it? How could I've pretended to care about someone so much? To admire someone for totally causally things? To laugh at someones jokes even if they weren't funny? I had fallen for you, Tim Bradford! Ok? And I loved you! I still do, and I have to tell you that because if I don't, it will eat me up! And I can tell you why I had panick attacks, now! I am afraid to lose you, ok? I am afraid to lose you! That was why I so overreacted when you hid that you were sick! That was why I sat in your room with a panick attack at night after you got hit by that beam! That was why I cried when I came out of Tamaras' room! That hasn't been a cramp, Tim! Tamara was afraid to tell her best friend what she felt! But I told her that it maybe would work! Maybe if I had told you it had worked! And I needed you to know that I love you to know if I am crazy and bad in love with my best friend and he isn't or if I am crazy in love with my best friend and he is too!... Well... Now it's out!"

I was exhausted from talking so much, breathing heavy. But not just that. I had started to cry in the process of speaking. Caused by sadness, fear, happiness, relief, desperatnes. Wow! I didn't think that I could feel so much at the same time, but obviously, it was possible. But the much more important thing was, how did Tim react? I studied the expression in his face when fear overcame me. It showed fear, nervousness, a tear in his eye, desperateness, and he looked overhelmed Shit! Did I scare him off with that? Would he pull away again? Or push me away? What was that on his face? Did he not love me and didn't know how to tell me? I really hoped not! But it looked so. Didn't it? Was it the wrong choice to tell him? Should I just have held my mouth shut? Had it been too early? Would he answer? Or just go away? Or-

A smile appeared on his face! That was a good sign, right? That had to be a good sign! Smiles are always good, weren't they? And then, he pulled me close. He hadn't said anything, but he didn't have to. His lips over mine were answer enough for me. Honestly, first, I didn't want him to pull away, but then he did a few inches. His forehead rested against mine, and against my lips, he told me

"I love you, too, Lucy Chen."

_____________________________________________________

Tim and I were not really excited to tell the others that we were in a relationship. I mean, Angela already knew, and literally everyone had shipped us, and I mean, she was eleven.

Well, we arrived at the chinese restaurant and came to our monthly dinner. The one last month had to fall down because of everything that had happened lately, but now we all were coming together at this place again.

After talking and eating for a while, I stood up and pinged with my knife against the glass in my hand.

"Shh. Shh, well, the last time we had been together here, I had a fortune cookie. I had laughed about the message. If you don't remember it was, Keep your heart free for a soon coming love. And I laughed about that, but here I am Standing and telling you that what evereyone had known before us"

I made a short break and loved to look into those courios and slightly confused faces which had become even better by mentioning the word us. But then I went on.

"Tim and I are a couple!"

Fore a moment, there was absolutely silence, but then cheering broke out. It was a mix from Things like "Yes!" and "Finally!" or "I knew it."

And with that, we celebrated me and Tim for the rest of the evening. And even when I couldn't believe it, I had got it.

I had got my happy end!