Chapter Text
Aether has made a group chat
Aether has named group chat 'everyone I can be bothered to add'
Aether
Everyone introduce urselves + Pronouns
Venti
Its is me the most amazing bard venti! He/They/ will use anything/#cancel gender
Kaeya
I'm Kaeya! I use He/they
Hu Tao
Heya I'm Hu Tao! She/Her
We're currently offering a buy one get one half price offer on coffins! Anyone interested
Zhongli
How many times Hu Tao? I do not believe that it is appropriate to offer funeral discounts in that manner.
Hu Tao
Bohoo Old man
I'm not stopping!
Aether
Zhongli! Introduce urself!
Zhongli
I am Zhongli. Funeral parlour consultant. He/Him
Venti
OMG ITS MA HUBBY
HIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!
(#^.^#)
<3
Kaeya
Venti? MArried?
Zhongli
Hello Baobei. <3
Kaeya
Venti YOU HID A WHOLE HUSBAND FROM US???
Venti
Yeah?
Aether
wtf is this dry? No one online
Venti
RUDE
o_O
Childe
HI GIRLS GAYS AND THEYS
Aether
CHILDEEEEEEE
Hu Tao
CHILDEEEEEEE
Yanfei
CHILDEEEEEEE
Venti
CHILDEEEEEEE
Kazuha
CHILDEEEEEEE
Furina
CHILDEEEEEEE
Xiangling
CHILDEEEEEEE
Chongyun
CHILDEEEEEEE
Wanderer
Oh Fuck it's Childe
Kaeya
who is childe and how did he get such a response from y'all
Aether
YOU GUYS ALL CAME ONLINE AS SOON AS HE SAID HI BUT WHEN I ASK Y'ALL STAY SILENT
Wanderer
L for Aether
Aether
stfu
Childe
If you don't know me I'm Childe! He/Him. Always up for new friends and fighting!
Kaeya
how do u know venti?
Childe
He's Xiansheng's husband
Kaeya
and the rest of u all know him because???
Hu Tao
He flooded our homes
Furnia
He fought a whale
Kazuha
He got lost and bought us stuff
Kaeya
So y'all all in the same city?
Hu Tao
I'm in Liyue
Kazuha
I'm in Inazuma
Furnia
I'm in Fontaine
Kaeya
:OO_o
Aether
And I'm still waiting for u guys to introduce urselves
Chongyun
Sorry
Chongyun, He/him
Yanfei
Yanfei, She/Her
Kazuha
He/him Kazuha! :)
Wanderer
I am not telling you
He/Him
Heizhou
Hi! Kazuha's bf! He/Him! <3 Baiiii
Xiangling
that was quick
Kazuha
he's probs busy
Jean
Hello
What's this?
Kaeya
JEAN
OMG HI BESTIE
^O^
Jean
Hi Kaeya. I see you're on here
Aether
RIGHT HI
I MADE THIS CHAT BECAUSE I WAS BORED AND WANTED TO SEE THE WORLD BURN
Hu Tao
YES AETHER
MOOD
REAL
YOU'VE SEEN THE LIGHT
Aether has changed the group name to 'I wanted to see the world burn'
Zhongli
Please ignore her pyromaniacal tendencies, I will be keeping her in check
Xiao
no offense but it hasn't exactly worked out before
Yanfei
we have Xingqiu on speed dial and that's close enough
Xiao
not exactly a good solution
Childe
be nice to ur single working father! he has like 6 kids
Venti
He wah
Kaeya
ain't he married?
Zhongli
Surprise?
Venti
I'M ON MY WAY TO LIYUE RIGHT NOW
WE HAVE KIDS?!?!
I NEED TO MEET THEM?!?!
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!?!?!?
Xiao
I mean I happened a few hundred years ago...
Kaeya
WAIT WTF
Venti
u don't count Xiao, neither does Ganyu
I birthed u myself
Furina
（°ο°）
Aether
venti wtf
Xiao
I am quite literally an accident
Venti
A happy accident（*^_^*）
Yeah we learned Anemo Archon + Geo archon = pregnancy somehow
It happened once, didn't think it'd happen twice
Aether
yeah I'm not even gonna ask ...
Albedo
I will.
It sounds like a chemical reaction of sorts.
Explain Venti.
Venti
laterrrrrrr
I'm in Liyue with my hubby now
us rn
Xiao
both of my fathers are in one city
hooray
Wanderer
the sarcasm is strong in this one
nice
Hu Tao
CAN WE GATECRASH??!
AND BY WE I MEAN ALL OF ZHONGLI'S KIDS
Venti
OMG YESSSSS
I WANT TO MEET ALL OF YOU
Hu Tao
@Xiao @Ganyu @Yanfei @Shenhe @Chongyun
Chongyun
I'm on my way!
Ganyu
me too! :)
Yanfei
Noooo I might miss it
I'm literally in Court rn
Aww yk what screw it
MY CLIENT IS NOW GUILTY COURT DONE I LEFT
Hu Tao
YESSSS ↖(^ω^)↗
EMBRACE THE NOT GIVING A FUCK BIG SISTER
Zhongli
Please don't Yanfei, or else I do not think I can cope with two anarchy daughters.
Eula
Hi! I'm online now! What's this!
Kaeya
hey Eula!
How'd ur date go?
Eula
A M A Z I N G
I now have a cat!!!!
Wanderer
Send
Cat Pics
Now...
Eula
getting kinda harsh vibes but okay
C A T
Wanderer
That is sufficient
I am pleased...
Amber
Hi guys!
Kaeya
Where'd u get Eula a cat from?
Amber
the cat found me
I thought Eula would like the cat
AND SHE DID!
└(^o^)┘
Aether
who thinks I should adopt a cat?
Xiangling
DO IT
I LOVE CATS
(^O^)
Kaveh
Hello everybody!
I just got kicked out again!
Wanderer
great way to introduce yourself
Kaveh
WHY THE HATE
I JUST GOT KICKED OUT
(ToT)
Tighnari
for the last time Kaveh (T_T)
Forcing you to take a break via banning you from your workspace doesn't count as kicking you out
Aether
Hey Tighnari!
Wanderer
Oh...
Tighnari
Tighnari
Hey Aether
Hat Guy
Hu Tao
aint no way his name is hat guy
Kaveh
WELL WE HAVE TO CALL HIM SOMETHING
NONE OF US KNOW HIS NAME
HE WON'T TELL US ANYTHING
HE'S OUR LOCAL CRYPTID
Wanderer
And I'd like to stay that way
Aether
Introductions Please!
Kaveh
Kaveh-He/They
Tighnari
Tighnari-He/They
Kaveh's boyfriend
Cyno
Cyno-He/They
Tighnari's boyfriend
Alhaitham
Alhaitham-He/Him.
I am Cyno's boyfriend.
Jean
I am mildly confused
Aether
OMG U GUYS FINALLY SORTED UR SHIT OUT
Tighnari
They did yes
Kaeya
I don't know what's going on but I wanna know
Aether
I'll explain
Alhaitham + Kaveh + Tighnari+ Cyno are a polycule
but it took ageeeees to get there
because
Alhaitham + Kaveh had unresolved issues from a giant incident in the Akademiya
Alhaitham + Cyno were exes who still had feelings
Kaveh has insecurity issues
Tighnari is the only responsible one
And they are all neurodivergent
Kaeya
ah yes
that's a lot
Congrats on the happy ending tho!
Chongyun
what's a polycule
Albedo
a romantic relationship of more than 3 people
1 person-single
2 people-couple
3 people-throuple
4 people- polycule
Chongyun
oh okay thanks! :)
Aether
I'm still mad not everyone has introduced themselves
(︶^︶)
Rosaria
Stay mad...
I'm going to lurk
Aether
so mean
(ToT)
Kaeya
wait
How many nations are in here?
Xiao
are you only questioning that now?
Wanderer
apparently
Kaeya
STOP HATING ON ME
I'M NOT A GENIUS
BUT I'M NOT AN IDIOT
Wanderer
speaking of geniuses we have at least 2 in here
Kaeya
Albedo and?
Wanderer
I'm not spilling
suffer
Kaeya
NOOOOOOOOOO
Aether
if yk yk
Childe
I'm doing the totalling
do u mean the nation we're in currently or nation we're from
Kaeya
from ig? Make it easier
Childe
okey-dokey!
We've got Liyue, Fontaine, Snezhaya, Monstadt, Sumeru, Inazuma
Diluc
There is a snezhayan in here?
Childe
yup that's me!
∩__∩
Kaeya
diluc chill
not all snezhayan's are in the Fatui
Aether
about that...
Childe
I'm in the Fatui
Diluc
The Fatui are recruiting children?
Childe
I'M NOT A LITERAL CHILD
( tho child recruitment is true)
Cyno
I HATE THE FATUI
╰_╯
Diluc
I like this guy ^
Aether
I get we all hate the Fatui
BUT CHILDE IS ALWAYS THE EXCEPTION
Hu Tao
YUP
Furina
YUP
Venti
YESSS SIREEE
Kaeya
Well sure then! Not like he's a a harbringer or something, probably low ranking if u all are fine with him
Kazuha
about that...
Childe
Harbringer at ur service!
└(^o^)┘
Diluc
Where is he...
Jean
No Diluc you are not going on a Fatui hunt again.
That is final.
Kaeya
Which harbringer r u?
Childe
guess!
Kaeya
I'm assuming ur not a woman
Childe
correct
Kaeya
I don't think ur into experimentation
Childe
depends, is it in the lab or bed?
Tighnari
I'll tell u that he's definitely not d*tt*re or sandrone
Childe
thank Tsarita for that!
Kaeya
gonna hedge a bet here
The Knave?
Childe
NOPE!
SHE'S A WOMAN
Kaeya
wtf
Then the 'father thing?'
Childe
Father is a woman
Lyney
She is indeed
Childe
LYNEY
Lyney
CHILDE
Lynette
I'm here too by the way
Childe
LYNETTE
Lynette
Freminet is floating around here somewhere
Kaeya
so who r u?
Childe
No.11 at ur service!
* Bows dramatically*
Lyney
YOU STOLE MY THING
Childe
I didn't use a hat!
Lyney
Okayyy...
I'll allow it
Furnina
BOWING WITH A HAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU
I WAS DOING IT BEFORE YOU
Lyney
WELL MINE IS MORE ICONIC
Furnia
YOU
DID
NOT
Aether
omg the girls are fighting!
Venti
place ur bets!
Fake Archon V.S Orphan Magician
Childe
Well Venti just killed me with that
Venti
I had a great idea
I'll start describing all of the anemo users in here!
@Kazuha, samuri twink who lost a friend and now has 2 mothers
@Heizou, neurodivergent detective who lost a friend
@Wanderer Tsundere with mommy issues and lost a friend
@Xiao Emo adeptus who lost a friend(s) with 2 dads
@Aether, tired asf from dealing with every nations' problems and wants to find sister
Lyney
not him(?) roasting them all
Aether
Funny thing is they're all true
She hit the nail on the head every time
Kaeya
I'm back!
I did some research and I now have Childe's file
Childe
OMG UR RESEARCHED ME???
NO ONE'S EVER SEARCHED FOR ME BEFORE
Aether
RUDE I DID
Childe
U DON'T COUNT
UR AETHER
Aether
I can't tell if that's good or bad
Kaeya
I want to know
HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK IS A 23 YEAR OLD A HARBRINGER OF 7 YEARS?!?!
Childe
I'm just that cool
Aether
He has unrestrained violent tendencies but a compassionate and empathetic heart
Rosaria
how tf does that work
Xiao
It's childe
it just does
Kaeya
YOU REVIVED ROSARIA FOR THIS
Rosaria
now I'm going back to the coffin
Kaeya
NOOOOOOOO
I want context on the Harbinger
Childe
sure what u want to know?
Kaeya
how did u ascend in less than 1 year to be a harbringer
Childe
actually it took 2 years
Kaeya
but u would have been 18 when u got promoted then?
Childe
ur assuming I joined at 16
Kaeya
Did u not?
I thought that was the joining age?
Childe
I joined at 14
Hu Tao
HOLY SHIT THAT'S YOUNGER THAN ME
Childe
Yup!
Chongyun
Is that why ur called Childe?
Childe
partly
Kaeya
sooooo
a 14yr old joined the military
got promoted to one of the highest at 16
and is now 23 with years of experience?
Childe
sounds about right
Lyney
Childe is literally the poster child/success story/ role model
He has a storybook
Childe
I DO?!?!?!
Lynette
Did u not know???
Freminet
I might lend u my copy?
Childe
Aw thanks freminet!
How's Pers going?
Freminet
still not flying, but he can hop really high now!
Childe
that's great!
Kaeya
I feel like I'm missing something here
R these guys also in the Fatui?
Lynette
correct
Diluc
There. Is. more. than. one. Fatui. In. Here?
Childe
4 to be precise
Jean
I am banning Diluc from leaving Monstadt now.
Alberto
smart move Jean
Jean
thanks
Lisa
now stop overworking
Jean
I'm going to politely ignore that.
Kaeya
back to the harbringer
HOW DID U JOIN THE MILITARY AT 14?!!?
Childe
My Father shipped me off
Furnia
new Childe lore unlocked?
Yanfei
I'm sorry ur father did what!?!?!
Childe
shipped me off to the military
but it's good we all chill
best thing he could've done
in my circumstances
Kaeya
which were?
Childe
not telling
u have to unlock friendship level 2 for that
Kaeya
and all this was only level 1????
Childe
I can provide therapy if u need it?
I have a licence!
Aether
I can't believe I'm considering it
The only people who can access therapy are the sumeru people
Tighnari
I never wanted to be the therapist friend yet here we are