Archive of Our Own ^beta

I can't remember anything, I love you but I don't know you. It hurts because I care about you so much but...

Who are you to me? Are you even anything?

I'm going to die. I'm going to die a slow, painful death and you're just going to watch me and not do anything about it.

it's impossible. the thought of them spirals around me like a reminder that i'm nothing but a leaf flying away but still lands into their hands only for them to crush me. It rings in my head like they're trying to call out my name like they care but they don't. They never will.

Even if i was like the morning, i would never want to be awake long enough to look at the sun and know it can kill you. I would rather be the night. Something that has that tiny chance to kill you but it doesn't want to, it wants to love you. it's so calming and while i try to avoid the morning, i look straight up at the moon and cherish it.

I love the night and yet i never want to see it. Because the night reminds me of the morning.

The afternoon is the best. It's between the morning and the night, so i never have to see either. I can see what i want.

I am not you and you're not me.

You think we are the same but we are not.

I am not like you. You're a disgusting human being, I don't even want to call you human because you don't act like one.

And yet you are, you're just like me and i'm just like you.

We share the same body with the same DNA and yet I hate you. I hate you and I want you dead.

Why do you pretend we are similar? We are nothing alike.

I merely have to live with this disease in my body and you have the choice not to and yet you want to.

You're not even trying to copy me, you're just using me to justify your actions.

I am not like you, and yet you want to be like me.

I am not you but most importantly, you are not me.

I want to cut off my limbs.

I know, "thats unrealistic"

But sometimes I want to cut off my ears and get them replaced with ones that can't hear. I hate hearing others voices, why can't they just shut up for once?

Sometimes I want to cut off my arms and my legs to get better made ones. Imagine having limbs that actually work.

Sometimes I want to cut off slices of my stomach like pieces of meat, slicing until it's the perfect shape.

Sometimes I want to burn my skin off and have it repair itself but I don't think I can rely on it making good enough skin for itself. I might have to make it myself.

Sometimes I want my blood to stop. Because I bleed so much, because it won't stop rushing to my head everytime I try to live.

Sometimes I want to die. Because I realised that I can't live on anymore.

I don't know why i'm writing yet another song about the same shit that has happend every single time before but here I am.

Playing my guitar to the lyrics of a bad man as if i haven't done it before. I've heard the story a bunch of times and yet...i'm back to listen.

I've heard it all and I don't know why I still feel something?

Let me go. I don't want to hear it all over again. I want to slay those monsters but why is everyone I thought I could trust those exact monsters?

Force me upon the sword of justice and make me slay the people I love only because they couldn't care enough to love me back.

Am I lucky to not be in their lane of terror? Am I a victim or am I merely an accomplice?

After Max did it. His parents came into the hospital room and kept coddling Max like they always cared for him. But he knew they were lying and were going to go back to their old ways afterwards.

"We were so worried about you!" Yeah for once..

"I'm so glad you're still here with us" Bullshit. They never cared.

His sister once told him that their family didn't show affection. They did, Max saw it. But it was never directed towards him. It was always towards his sister or his older brother.

Never him. Max never got anything from his parents and he doesn't know why they're pretending to care. Is it because it's in front of others? Is that the only time his parents will ever care about him?

He kept silent, he needed to show them that he's not putting up with their bullshit. But him never talking was the norm. He was a calm body with a storm inside of his mind and he would never show anyone it. Never.

I wish i could look back into his eyes and his lips and just.. take the chance but in the back of my mind i knew it was wrong. "sin sin sin" my brain kept telling me like one peck on the lips from a man was going to kill me. It would of not done anything expect.. hurt. I did nothing instead. I looked away and that was the last time i saw him because the urge to just grab him and tell him how pretty he is was too much. It will always be.. too much.

I know you hate all of them.

I keep forgetting that it is the same.. or atleast it should be.

Lets make history happen again.

It's the same as it was except instead of a old man, its children. Running the world all over again, trying and trying and trying to kill.

Revenge on the past, people love the past more than the future. Of course the moment in history when they won. It sounded like the best time to be alive. Now they're losing again, and you're so glad.

Let them win again, let them die all over again, because of somebody else. Skin all of their bodies and the problem will be solved. Just get them out of here.

Have it happen all over again and i'll be so glad.. six feet underground.

They love the past, even though it would eat them whole.

Being on the top is the best feeling in the fucking world.

Ha.. Can you imagine, being in the place of your enemies? Wouldn't it feel amazing.. But now...

You're your own enemy. Fighting yourself. Am I on your side or am I the one you're fighting? We will never know.

I imagine my wrists are restricted in the string of the years, forcing myself to love it here.

You will never understand what it's like to be stuck in a place that you fucking hate but yet, you never want to leave. 

The pain, the silence, the torture that I put myself through just to love you has haunted me. Help me understand why I stayed here longer than I should have, help me understand why I loved you in the first place.

I thought I would never see the door. I didn't even think about seeing the fucking door. I don't even think I wanted the door to be there in the first place. And yet I am so happy, so glad that I finally get to leave this miserable place.

Hate me all you want sweetie, but at least I got out. :)

I was there at the start and yet I never felt i was in the first place.

I built this town with my two hands and yet you took credit for it all.

I am the only one who knows the origin who cared enough to stay around, even when they took it all..

They left me to die even though i am the one. The only one..

left.

I'm sorry I am not like you, I'm sorry i see the bad parts of it all.

I can't help but hate it all. When all i see is disgust.

I.. hate being here. Pretending it's all good when i can't help but want the citizens dead.

They were making plans to kill me. They all fucking hated me. FOR WHAT?! WHAT DID I DO?!

Grown adults torturing a child for fucks sake.

I seethed rage, i destroyed everything. I have nothing left and i am so glad. I wish they would just get it over with already..

But i'm not letting them.

I will leave myself and run away.. not like anyone will care anyways.

I've wanted to leave. I cannot take it anymore..

I wish i didn't see her face..

I hated seeing her face..

She seems so nice.. But she hurt me. Why does nobody believe me?!

She was the one making the plan. Why did she want me dead so bad?!

...Whatever. I could care less. I left and she will never find me. :]

At first it was taught to people who were just like them. "Don't do that or you'll seem... "***"

And then for a single second in history, it was allowed.

But now... It's not.

It's taught by people who aren't like them, but also know exactly whats it like and instead of giving a shit, they just do the same as past leaders. They say history repeats itself don't they?

Time is a circle, no real change has been made. The only difference that was made, is who runs the world.

No wonder people are trying to stop it, it might just end the world.

Praying to the gods who hate me, why am I wasting my time on you?

I give up my life, my words. And you just discard them like trash. Am I supposed to love you still?

Seems like this whole time I have been nothing to you but a small mortal when you weren't even here to begin with.

You just sat down on your throne and run this kingdom. Do you even deserve that title?

Of course not. But that's just how life is. Everything you loved will get ruined to the point that love itself is ruined too.

I can leave and I so will run out of that kingdom and set sails to a new life without your dictatorship.

Maybe my love is stuck there, dead in place, hanging over the people who took it in the first place. I'll know where to find it atleast. But it's been stained with your dirty handprints, never to recover.

I don't need my old love, instead I will craft a new one all to myself without your presense on them.

Envy can stamp and burn inside your skin like a tattoo. How I wish I could wash it away. How I wish I was good enough that I don’t even feel it anymore. Because instead other people feel the ink spill and stick under their skin when they see me. How I wish I was above.

How I wish the love I have for something will not turn sour the moment I realize I will never amount to it. How can I still love you when you have hurt me all these years?

He tells me I am his and I need him… I don’t want to believe in his words and yet deep inside I know they’re true. I am nothing without him. I would’ve been dead by now if it wasn’t for him. The least I can do is stick around.

“You are mine, mine to do as I please.” He whispers in my ear like I am a dog sitting by his side, waiting for a command. But of course I need that command, I need his words, I need his touch.

I would be selfish to leave after all he’s done for me. And yet I want to run away and never look back. It used to be the opposite. I wanted to run away with him, towards him. But now all I plead for is an escape.

I was stuck and he saved me. We ran away together. Well for me it was running away. He didn’t need to run, he didn’t even need to go. I don’t know why he agreed to stay with me. Did he just want control over me? He wanted to be by my side. But now I feel stuck… Is it my fault? Of course it is, I could’ve left by myself. He thinks I need him. And I can’t help but agree.

I feel bad for him honestly. He thinks I need him and he also wants to run away. He feels like he is in my debt. Like no matter what he does, it will never be enough. I wish I didn’t need him and he wishes I didn’t need him to survive. He cares too much and I care too little.

But I don’t want to let him go, and he doesn’t want to let go either. Horrible as it is to be around eachother, we still care and love.

Let her taste my salty tears on her lips as she holds me hostage. I want to be hers. I want her to put a leash around my neck and strangle me with it until I plead and listen to every word she says.

Can she love me? She hates me and It feels so amazing! I want her to keep at it, keep hurting me until I feel the euphoria wash over me.

One small sound, one single utter that you're still around.

Is this what I wanted? Maybe... But is it what I needed? No.

It seems like time had taken the fools down.. And it's all I wanted.

But is it what I need? Someday. Is it what I want? Hopefully.

Because God has given you a final hurray! And it was good, it made you bleed out and I can't help but glee. It seems like God has listened to my words for once and I wish he didn't. Isn't this what I wanted?

I just wanted to take you out of your misery! But it seems like he just gave it back to me...

I have hated you for so long, it seemed like i forgot how good I had it. But... It's not like I regret it.

I just wish... the person I knew wasn't like you. I wish you were different. I wish you could've loved me back after all I have given. I said- I didn't- it doesn't matter.

If you just gave me what I wanted, then maybe you'll still be alive. Because everyone wanted it from you... and you dissapointed everyone. Why couldn't you just-

But whats the point of griving what we used to have? It seems like if you going to get strong enough, a part of you was going to die no matter what. You dugged your own grave.

You weren't even going to last months. And I knew it. I knew that the moment you got everything, it was going to end in tragedy.

I used to love you. But now I vomit at the sight of you. You disgust me.

Piece of shit you are. How many times do I have to see your ugly face? It's almost like i'm forcing myself to give a fuck.

Save me from the mess I have made and save yourself. I see someone who will touch the ranks and yet I wish you would leave. Not because I want that rank but because you will die at the top, unable to breathe the same air as everyone else. Do you know how it feels to die at the start of the game? I know and it only brought me pain.

I almost feel bad... Only a bit though. Sure you didn't know the consequences but it's like you don't even care. Did you know? Did you want the power? Did you test it on me? Test to see if you're bad enough to be so high up?

Because only the worst people here get to be so high on power. And you fit the bill.

If I bashed his head against the wall, would he finally be fixed?

I wish to see the dawn when it happens. If I couls just kill that monster... Would I be better?

Am I guilty if it's a good thing? Drown his body and hear the cries for help....

If i beg on my knees, will I get clean from all the sins that are on me?

Now his blood is on my hands, I don't know what to do anymore. I did the right thing killing that monster.

But for a second I could be one of the greats... No one will tell me to stop. Everything and everyone... will be mine. :)

He never felt like a child. He felt like the devil!! Screaming in hell! He got down on his knees, pleading for something... FOR ANYONE to hear him!

I hate the weekend, I just want you to leave.

Or better yet, you can just put your hands around my throat again. I know you miss the feeling.

Do you want me to beg on my knees to feel your hands on me? I know you would love to do worse. I can sense it in the back of your mind. "touch even more then I should... How can I hurt her?" Please... Just get it over with.

Pin me to the ground and take off my clothes... Come on, I know you want to. In the back of your head its always there, you just never have the chance.. It's not fun when they're asleep. It's not about getting off, it's about hearing their screams.

I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. Always have been. Especially with you.

Even before we got together I would always imagine the small dumb things we would do together that were so small and yet it meant something to me because it was you I wanted to do it with.

Like chores for example. Those suck and yet.. doing them with you makes them more bearable don't you think? Because its somebody on your side and you're both in love and carefree and having a bit of fun.

Just those domestic things that when you're a kid seem like nothing or even shitty but when you have someone on your side, you start to understand why your parents didn't need to be so excessively romantic because being together was enough.

I hate being like you and seem like you when I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kill me off, I won't stop despising you.. Let me die I don't care!

You don't deserve to have me care when you have fucked everything up... why why why why why why should I care????????

Because hidng it is better then even being close to you.. Oh when you die, I'll lap up all your blood because I know it'll taste rotten, like when were born from the demons below.

It's not about looking good, it's about hating you. I shall be allowed to hang you without looking good. Do you think I care if I die in the same hands that I wanted to be praised and loved by? Honestly no. They can kill me all I want, I shall accept it because I rather be killed for the cost than to ever love you for a SECOND.

Regret is a weird feeling to harbor.. Because while it sinks into your heart like mold… It almost feels nice to have a constant reminder of the choices you’ve could’ve made.

The better ones that were in front of you. But how were you supposed to know the difference between right and wrong when you’re such a small child?

How was he supposed to know he was going to ruin his life being around the worst kid on town? Is it because he’s the closest thing to him? Is he as bad and by a small slim of having loving parents made him just a tiny bit better?

Because instead of expressing those feelings out loud, he keeps them hidden just to look better in front of everybody. And he loves it. Being evil while nobody else knowing except other evil people.

The world is burning! I see the earth in ablaze.

I may have low empathy but the fact that you could have even less disgusts me..

Are we even.. affected? Why should we care... About people who left? They thought we weren't good enough so why should we care about what happens to their burnt skin?

Hallelujah! Holy be thy words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dangling life above the herd... They worship his name, take energy from the weak to feed the ones in power.

oh god we're all going to die aren't WE???????????????????? I dont even know who to trust anymore.... Who do i go tooo??? I CAN'T EVEN TRUST MY OWN FAMILY! MY FATHER , MY GOD HAS WENT AGAINST ME, HIS WIFE! HE MEANS NOTHING TO US AT THIS POINT. AND NOW THE SICKESS WAS GETTING TO HIM AND INSTEAD OF ME BEING SORRY, I FEELL SOO HAPPY!!!!!! HOW COULD HE JUST STAND THERE IN THAT BOOTH LIKE i MEAN NOTHING????

Just for once could we have a happy ending? what am I even saying? I can't make funny jokes out of this like last time. No hot mommy or whatever the fat orange man said. Just pure death and agony.

how could you joke about this? put a gun in your mouth and BAM! all your problems gone.. if only it wasn't missed.. the few times. it was like god was taunting us, so close to bliss but we don't deserve it don't we?

I can write as shit or as cheap as I have and yet... there's still people waiting in line for more and honestly i'm just confused. How can you think any of this is good? I mean.. man y-you could.. FIND something better right?

Or are we as a society so desperte for content and money and work that it doesn't matter anymore? Such a small town and village that ANYTHING will be loved. The words on the page or the grammer don't and never mattered.. I guess passsion is a driven force afterall.

But how can I-... sit here and write these words on paper, trying so very hard to make it the best and even then... its somehow still enough and yet.. not.. Enough?

I have anxiety about not being good enough. All I have worked for was for nothing...

It's like working on a goddamn robot and twisting the wires together to make something perfect and yet it's... not. never is, never will.

Oh god have I fucked up on trying to build this machine?

Do I even know what I am talking about almost as if my brain is melting? No no no, I'm helpless.... working and working and working-

FInd something to care about again. Without the pressure of having to make it perfect. But what if the only way I can be happy if it is perfect?

... It's weird to forget why you liked something. I stare at all of this and think "Why did I ever like you?" I don't remember. It's almost as if the memory of passion and love for this one thing has passed away and DIED. I didn't simply forget it existing in the first place, I forgot why I invested my time into it.

It's like seeing the carcass but not the soul. You exist, I get that. And yes I remember the memories but I don't feel the same love I had for it. That's the part that has been buried.

I'm not somebody who usual gets sad when their hyperfixations die, sometimes i'm even glad when it's real bad. This is different.

I always feel 'manic' (like happy-anger. where I feel free but also angry at the thing that has locked me in.) Revenge. But not this time, this time I feel nothing and a bit sad.

Because this time I don't remember why. I wanted to leave sure but I knew why I lasted so long. Now... I don't.

When I loose interest in something, It's natural. This time it felt like a sudden death. I was doing so fine! Now I fucking despise it. Actually I don't.. I just leave. No anger, no freshness. Just a goodbye.

They stared at eachother like they were little kids on the playground again, meeting eachother for the first time. Something about the each of them drawn the other in. Maybe the desire for power was one of them, but maybe it was desire for eachother that they didn't even know the feeling of.

So one of them walked up to the other and pulled his hand out, like he was on the same level as the other. And so, he grabbed it. Standing there, hand in hand, looking lovingly in each other's eyes like it would be the last time. It was only the start.

We isolated ourselves just to get fucked over. We only have ourselves to blame.

Under the lenses of the gods above will they see the mass destruction of the land they have created and that we have treated like nothing.

Look around the room, who can you trust?

A bullet goes through my head and instead of anything being done, nothing is the answer that I hear as they let my body rot.

I didn't mean to enable the devil's actions.

Sometimes I wonder if OCD is even a thing or it's just a special little thing that some people get that makes them have predictions.

I don't actually think that but sometimes it feels too real and the coincidences add up. So I think that it isn't real.

How can I follow the rules when they aren't written? Do you just expect me to know?

Give me some of hint! Because I didn't mean to enable the devil's actions.

It hit me one day (today) that my life might get ruined again. It feels like March is just around the corner. The tortured heart of some stupid soul who got fucked over.

I didn't mean to break the rules that I don't have the answers. Do you think I do certain things to get away from it all because I didn't mean to break those..

I'm sorry, I didn't do anything! So why do you still hurt me?

I feel like i'm going to die again, god it's all going to come back isn't it?

Close calls happen constantly! But they never got too bad. Is it there to keep me on my toes? Just so.. I don't forget what you're capable of.

I never forgot! How could I? Constant reminders on my horizon.

Somebody loved me once. But I dissapointed them by my brain of paranoia. Now it seems like i'm dead in their eyes.

I would... beg on my knees for them to love. Me again, im sorry.

Promises are broke. But none were made at all. There's unspoken rules... and I broke apart!

No wonder... nobody ever stays. for longer than a few. Never permanent. It dies somehow! And it might as well be my fault.

Listen. I would anything... for to them come back to me. Somebody. out there once loved me. But im too broken for them to keep intact.

I didn't depend on them to keep me together but the moment they left it was almost like another part of me shattered that day.

If I could make it up. I would.

Do you only consider yourself a puppet for people to feel bad for?

Are you really a person or just a bunch of labels slapped onto you to make people feel pity of you and nothing else?

Are you even human? The need to say words and labels as a sort of begging tool while you are on your knees, shaking a basket around filled with coins makes me feel. Pity.

But not the kind where I give you coins or even a single dollar. But the kind where I have to look away because it almost annoys me. The kind where it makes me reflect on the world we both live in.

We aren't so different from each other, perhaps it's because you know how to use words and language around you to make (manipulate) the people surrounding you that scares me quite a bit.

How many stickers can you put on yourself before it covers you up so much you aren't seen as a real human being anymore? Will we ever know the answer to that question or are we already proving it and seeing the results?