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Sanji knew that he would outlive Cracker. It was common sense, really, given their difference in age. Still, no one is truly prepared for death.
Cracker looked much younger than he really was. Most of his family did (with a few exceptions), and Sanji figured that they must have some giant in their DNA that was causing it. His appearance wasn’t genetics alone, though. Cracker was always finicky about his looks, which meant having gray hairs dyed nearly every month and still doing his daily workouts into his seventies. Even Sanji had slacked a bit in his exercise routine as time progressed, but Cracker refused to back down.
When Sanji looked at Cracker all he saw was the man that he was forced to marry what felt like yesterday. His smile lines were deeper, he had a few more small scars littered about, and his hair was cut to his shoulders (Sanji still remembered how heavy the scissors felt in his hand as he chopped away at Cracker’s prized hair). Otherwise, it was like time hadn’t shaken Cracker in the slightest.
It made the loss feel all the more sudden. If he was so healthy, then why was he dead? Sanji really should have been grateful that he lived as long as he did given his profession, but he still felt like death had played him for a fool.
That wasn’t to say that Cracker was completely healthy to the bitter end. No, in truth he died in a hospital bed riddled with some ailment that couldn’t be diagnosed fast enough. Cracker hated hospitals. Hated doctors. Hated anything that involved poking and prodding, really. Sanji wished that he could have died somewhere else- even if it meant dropping dead in the middle of the street. It felt wrong for his husband to spend his final living moments in the one place he detested more than anything else.
Sanji wasn’t there, either. Looking back, he wasn’t sure he would have wanted to be. Cracker most definitely wouldn’t have wanted him there. Sanji was pretty convinced that Cracker purposefully waited until he was far away before he let go. He never wanted anyone to see him struggle. Sanji knew that.
Nothing felt real when he learned about what had happened. Sanji was still so young - only in his early sixties - that it was hard to believe his husband would be taken away when he still had so much life ahead of him himself. What was he going to do now? More urgently, how was he going to explain to his kids that their father was dead ?
(Sanji always hated the word “ dead ”. Animals die . Plants die . They lay in the dirt and rot until another creature comes by to make use of what they left behind. Humans were more than that. He liked to believe that their souls continued to exist alongside the living. He may have lost them, but they’re not truly gone. It hurt less to think about it that way.)
He would never forget the screech that came from the other end of the transponder snail when he called Jammie, nor would he forget the silence followed by soft sobs from Graham. They echoed around in his head as he sat in the uncomfortable silence that filled his - Cracker’s home; The home he built with his own two hands and welcomed Sanji into less-than-lovingly. Sanji may live there, but it would always be Cracker’s home.
Sanji hated the constant silence, so he would play music. If the weather was nice he would open the windows and let the sounds of nature filter in; Anything to fill the gaps his family left behind. He was so lost and empty that there weren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe his agony. He had once had such a lovely family that he could devote his entire life to, and now they were all gone.
Seeing his children after so long, despite the horrible circumstances, felt like he could finally breathe again.
Graham arrived first. He traveled all around the world as a journalist, but thankfully he was on an island just a few days trip from Totto land when Sanji had to make the call. Graham had found his voice gradually as he matured, but a switch had seemingly flipped in his mind that made him fall into another bout of silence that stretched on for weeks after he lost his father. There was nothing anyone could say that would make him open up - Sanji and Jammie both tried fruitlessly.
Jammie, as always, was never silent. Even at a time like this.
“The swans , papa! I thought you were going to die like the swans!” She shouted through tears at her very confused father. “You can’t let the heartbreak take you!”
Sanji found a sad amusement in his daughter's concern. The poor thing was shaking Sanji around by his shoulders like a ragdoll as she wailed. The twins were both over seven feet tall, so one could imagine the force she was putting behind the shaking. Still, he wouldn’t dare tell her to stop.
The one time Jammie was silent (for probably the first time in her entire life) was at the funeral. It was a packed venue with all of Cracker’s siblings, nieces, and nephews crammed together, but it still felt terribly empty without his husband at his side.
It wasn’t a true Charlotte gathering without the firework show, but alas the picture-perfect summer sky was all there was to see.
It enraged Sanji, deep down, that the weather would be so beautiful on a day like this. How dare mother nature taunt him with such a perfect day when the true sunshine in his life was being laid to rest? No, funerals were meant to be dark and gloomy to allow the universe to grieve alongside the family. The only comfort he could find was believing that this was Cracker’s last act of spite. Purposefully ruining the atmosphere was something he would do.
It wasn’t long until the kids were gone once again, and Sanji was truly alone. He spent a lot of time at his restaurant because being home would drive him mad. Most days all Sanji had to look forward to was hearing from his children. Graham was always uncomfortable talking over a snail, and Jammie was busy being a ship's doctor, so he couldn’t blame them for the stretches of silence. They were working hard to become something great, and he could only hope that they would succeed. It’s what their father would have wanted for them. It’s what Sanji wanted for them.
Days dragged on. Months. Years. The bed was so cold; The halls so empty. Sanji never thought the day would come that he would miss the sounds of crying children or Cracker huffing and puffing because something didn’t go his way. He longed for the chaos that once filled his life. Be it back in Germa, on the Baratie, with the Strawhats, or with his family: he was always surrounded by chaos. Now… there was nothing. No one.
Sanji hadn’t cried about Cracker since the funeral, but there he was two years later sitting on the edge of his ( Cracker’s) bed with silent tears streaming down his face. It was like he had convinced himself that, though he knew it was irrational, one day Cracker would come barging back through the door and make a grand reentrance into his life. It never happened.
Everything reminded him of Cracker. How could it not? He was surrounded by biscuits everywhere he went. Every piece of furniture in the house and restaurant was hand carved by him. It was nice, at first, to be surrounded by the comfort of a memory, but now it felt like he could never escape the feelings of loss.
Suddenly, Sanji felt his teary eyes drift up to the map hanging on his bedroom wall: Nami’s map to the All Blue.
He knew how to get there. He just had to convince himself to do it.
After some time, he finally did.
The crystalline waters and cool ocean breeze seemed to settle Sanji’s aching heart. He no longer felt like he was living in the past.
He made sure to bring some memories with him, of course. On his nightstand, beside the photo of the Strawhats that had been sent to him over forty years prior, was the picture that Smoothie had taken when the twins were born. Cracker never let Sanji display it, but now he could. His wedding photo was there, too, in all its blurry glory (Cracker ran off with Sanji before the photographer could get a good shot. It was a funny story, at least). He would look at them everyday to remind himself of the love he once had- The love he still had.
He didn’t feel sad anymore. He was just happy to say that he had loved at all - even if it meant he suffered because of it. To live a life where he pushes everyone away just because he doesn’t want to feel the pain of loss was not a life worth living to him. He had never looked at life that way, and didn’t plan on starting.
It would take many months before his little house truly felt like home. The All Blue was made up of several small islands scattered about above a sea full of creatures. Each island held the spices, flora, and fauna of islands all across the planet. It was all in one place just as the legends said. A chef’s true dream. The island he picked was one he had visited with his family on his thirty-fifth birthday. It was by far the most populated, making it possible for Sanji to run a flourishing restaurant. It was everything he had ever wanted, and at last he felt like he could live again.
“I see a ring on your finger, but I can’t help but notice that you’re always alone,” The woman Sanji had befriended was a bit forward, but all ladies were perfect, so he didn’t mind.
She could be socially inept, but she was always kind and had a laugh he could recognize anywhere. He would fawn over her, naturally, and she would just smile and laugh in return. They weren’t in a relationship - he wasn’t quite sure she liked men, honestly - but their bond had grown to the point that they spent a lot of their time with one another. Still, he hadn’t opened up to her about his lost love until then. He honestly just hadn’t thought to mention it.
Sanji’s eyes shifted from his fishing rod down to the golden wedding band that never once left his finger. He couldn’t help but smile.
“My husband died a few years ago,” He said rather bluntly. Despite his words, he was still smiling. It no longer hurt to say it. It was a fact of life, and no amount of avoiding the words would make them less true. “We were married for forty-one years- It sounds strange saying that aloud. It didn’t feel that long at all.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” The woman put a hand to her chest before reaching out to place her hand on Sanji’s shoulder.
“It’s fine. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right?” He said with a soft chuckle.
The woman huffed out a small laugh herself before turning back to the horizon. The sun painted the sky in shades of blue and pink as it rose; a reminder that the night would always end and a new day would follow. She turned back to him, then, with the glow of sunlight illuminating her smiling face.
“
Sappy.”