Chapter Text
He loves being on the road. He loves the wind in his hair, he loves the views and the winding roads, and he loves the feeling of finally getting what he wants. Most of all, he loves seeing the new cities and people, and playing his music for someone else to hear, for once. There’s something missing, though.
Ryan has been away from home for a while now. It’s not what he expected, if he’s going to be totally honest. Because he was expecting more of a feeling of freedom, maybe? Or just general happiness at finally being out of Powell Lake. But, no. Most of what he thinks about is how much he misses Min-Gi.
He so intensely regrets how he left things with his best friend. He wishes that he at least went back to talk to Min-Gi before he left. He misses him, despite how angry he had been at him, and how angry he still is. But, he doesn’t feel bad for leaving. Not one bit. Min-Gi abandoned him, so he abandoned Min. He guesses they deserve each other in some sick way.
He also knew that he wasn’t going to get anywhere in songwriting without Min by his side. Min was the one who kept Ryan’s energy going, even if he didn’t realize it. Min was the real musical genius behind everything they did, too. And, without Min, Ryan’s music is empty. A big load of nothing. Steaming dog shit. Because Ryan doesn’t have the right vivacity without Min. Ryan isn’t himself without Min by his side.
But, Goddamnit, does Ryan try to make it.
He’s already got a demo-album, which is… somewhat okay. Now he just has to convince someone, anyone to like it and listen to him. Because he's mostly ignored. (He knows he wouldn’t be ignored if Min was with him. That’s neither here nor there.)
Ryan hasn’t called anyone, (not his family, not Min-Gi, not anyone from home), in over two months, and he doesn’t anticipate receiving any calls either. Min-Gi probably doesn’t want to talk to him, which is fair. Any of his other friends from school have probably moved on with their lives and forgotten all about Ryan. And, Ryan’s family does not pay enough attention to him or give enough of a shit about him for him to even cross their minds.
He pours his general melancholy into three outlets: pointless relationships with women that he doesn’t love, pointless sex with people he’s barely attracted to, and alcohol.
The first time Ryan had sex, it was in a dirty motel room with a girl that he had known for less than an hour. It was underwhelming. He doesn’t even remember her name, and she had been gone by the next morning, which Ryan was okay with. He hadn’t had any particular inclinations to continue relations with her.
The second time Ryan had sex, it was with his first girlfriend. It was okay, he guesses. Better than the last time, by a long shot, but nothing like he would want it to be. He doesn’t really think about it while he does it. It’s better when he doesn’t think about it, he realizes.
The relationship is generally boring, but the girl is nice. She’s a hippie type that teaches him how to smoke a joint while still treating him like he’s not an idiot. (No one really learns how to smoke a joint in Powell Lake.) Ryan also starts smoking cigarettes because of her, when there isn’t any weed available. But “when weed isn’t available,” quickly turns into “whenever he has free time.” Which is fine. Min would hate it, though. He always thought the smell of smoke was gross. Ryan used to, too. Things change.
The first time Ryan has sex with a man, it is so much better than having sex with the women he’s previously been with, that he almost makes a promise to himself to never go back. (He doesn’t though, because the idea that he wants to only be with men and disappoint his parents and Min even more, is too much to think about.) Ryan likes the guy he got with- his name was Will, and he was generally nice. Ryan would have liked to get to know him more, but he had to be on the road by the next day, and Will was going to University. It’s scary to think about how Ryan could have seen himself dating Will.
The next few times Ryan has sex, it's with men, and he doesn’t think about it too much. He’s gone in the morning, and he never pursues any sort of further bond with any of the men he meets.
But, Ryan dates women. The second girl he dates is of the punk variety. She’s a little bit of an asshole, but she’s cool. She drinks a lot. He drinks a lot. They fuck a lot. Then, they leave on rough terms when Ryan kisses another man, drunkenly, at a party that he literally went to with her. Shitty of him, he knows, but fuck. He didn’t mean to. She was well within her right to break up with him, nonetheless.
Ryan dates a guy, but only for a week. He broke up with the other man when it got obsessively too real for Ryan to process being in a relationship with a man. Ryan drank so much that he threw up when he broke up with the other and subsequently realized that he would have been okay with not breaking up. That he would be okay with continuing to date the man, for a while, at least.
Then, Ryan has sex with more guys, yada, yada, yada, and then he sells his van to his third girlfriend. (They only dated for a few weeks, and Ryan got high with her so much that he barely remembers any of the things they did together.) He gets three hundred bucks for it, even though it’s probably worth at least a little bit more than that, but she also hooks him up with her friend in New York fuckin’ City.
Three hundred dollars and a real gig at a bar is so worth his dad’s van.
He needs to get back to Min.
Ryan knows that Min didn’t want to go with him across the country, but maybe Min changed his mind. It was always their plan, anyways, so maybe Min’s had enough time to ruminate on it and is now ready to go to New York with the other boy! Ryan did all of the hard work to get them there, and now maybe Min will be ready. (Ryan really hopes he is. He doesn’t know how much more of this he can do without Min-Gi.)
Ryan goes back to Powell lake with a Duffel bag full of his personal belongings and clothes, a tote bag full of stuff he needs to live, and his guitar. He stops by Min’s house, and is only greeted with the Park parents. Apparently, Min is at Humpty’s. The adults give Ryan permission to keep all of his stuff in Min’s room for the time being, though.
He’s entirely too confident that Min will agree, even though, logically, he shouldn’t be. Min probably would hate the way that Ryan’s living now- the sex, the drinking, and, most of all, the smoking. Ryan keeps telling himself that it’s okay, because he and Min are best friends, but really nothing could have prepared him for the Train.