Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

His eyes burnt holes into the white washed wall, where the paint was starting to peel and crack away, small flakes already fallen onto the wooden floor in which he sat on. His back was pressed against the wall from where he had sunken to the ground and pulled his legs up so his chin was resting gently on them.
It helped make him feel as small as possible, wrapped safely and tightly in his own arms as he tried to keep himself together. He feared that if he tried to move, he would fall apart.

He wasn’t prepared to let himself completely break… not yet.

If Luke was fine, Michael would try to show him that he was doing fine aswell. Although he thought that the blonde boy could see through his fake act he put on everyday. The boy knew him too well and Michael damned him every day for it.

But he never confronted him which made it seem like he didn’t care about the brightly coloured hair boy anymore.

Michael wasn’t a hundred percent sure what he was meant to do now all he knows is that it hurt. It hurt Michael. He was so used to the two of them being close at all times, to always have some type of contact with him. How could he function properly now that was gone? Well Luke wasn’t gone, he still saw him everyday but it felt like he had just disappeared from Michael’s life.

Whenever Michael got close to Luke now, just like when they were in the kitchen the other day, Luke would go out of his way to move a few feet from where he stood in order to put space between them. He probably thought Michael wouldn’t notice, but who was he kidding, of course he did.

He tried not to think about it, he would go to extremes to district himself. Hell, he did things he swore he’d never participate or get involved in and he ended up hating himself more than ever, every single day without Luke by his side.But these said things were destructive and Michael wished they didn’t distract him from his thoughts but sadly they did. They were the only solution he could find, the easiest and quickest solution. Sadly, he kept going back to them.

The drugs worked more quickly than the alcohol which made him forget for a few hours a week, but he always came crashing down from his high and no one wanted to be around for that, it wasn’t the best sight, but nobody ever saw it so he supposed he was lucky there but. Everything was just that little bit worse than before.

Recently he was only living For those few hours of escape he got. The other times where he wasn’t off his head were spent lying in bed, staring at the walls or hiding away under the covers.

Michael decided that although it had been only a mere few days since his last high, he craved that sense of forgetting. It scared him a little bit at how he kept craving that feeling more often.

Shakily standing from the wooden floor, his knee popped quietly but he paid it no attention. The red haired boy made his way to his bed side table, his hands shaking, making it harder to open the draw. He fumbled around inside until the familiar sound of foil hitting cardboard reached his ears.

He almost wanted to smile at how pleased he was that he was about to forget for a while.

Michael took the packeted pills out, walking over to his bed, catching site of himself in his wardrobe mirror. He almost laughed loudly at the state of himself.

He had shut himself in his room for the past few days. He didn’t want to face anyone, he’d rather stay in his room and pretend that Luke was still his and just hanging out in his own room instead of with his… His boyfriend.

Michael laughed spitefully at his reflection. Why would someone like Luke even want someone like him, Luke was perfect and Michael was just… Michael. Plain, boring, a little chubby, Michael- well that’s what he thought. That’s all he saw himself as.

He felt like smashing the mirror, punching his reflection to see if that would take away his pain like the characters in the movies do. But he didn’t need anymore bad luck in his life right now.

Michael lay on top of his navy striped bed covers, starring at the glow in the dark planets and stars that were stuck on the celling from when the boys first moved into the house.

He could hear Calum and Ashton giggles from down the hall where they were most likely watching a comedy or just messing about with each other like normal.

He could picture it now Ashton laying on the couch behind Calum, his heavy arms wrapped tightly around Calum’s waist, pulling him close and making him feel safe and protected.

Oh how Michael wished that he and Luke were still like that, then maybe he wouldn’t feel sick every time he saw them. Maybe he wouldn’t spend as much time as he did locked away in his room as he felt like an intruder in his own house.

Michael knew how pathetic he was. He knew he should have moved on by now- I mean, it’s been about 6 months. Luke did.

It’s just, Luke was everything to him. He still is. But Luke just doesn’t know that.

Michael’s shaky fingers couldn’t pop the pills out of the packet fast enough.

He took three white tablets, swallowing them dry, letting his head fall back against his pillow to let the effect of the drug take him over.

They kicked in almost 30 seconds later, his head was dizzy and his mind numb and frozen. But this time wasn’t like normal, this time his thoughts weren’t about pretty colours around him and his thoughts didn’t trail off from Luke.

Michael was panicking, he didn’t like this at all, his escape was no longer his escape. His hands groped tightly into his hair as if he was trying to pull the thoughts of Luke out of his head. He could see the colour blue, it was vibrant and stood out against all the other heightened colours around him. It was the colour of Luke’s eyes and Michael was going insane.

His hands scratched at his skin until he accidentally broke it on his left arm, small dots of blood appearing, standing out against his abnormally pale skin.

“Leave me alone” Michael started murmuring to himself getting angrier by the second.

“Leave me alone!” He screamed, eyes bloodshot as he short up from where he was laying on his bed. He threw open his balcony window letting rush of fresh air into his murky room in which he found difficult to breath in. It made him feel less trapped yet did nothing to help his uneven breathing.

He sank down against the wall again for the second time that night, crying to himself, sobbing into his own hands as everyone else was oblivious to his pain. This was a normal thing come the past few weeks. A new routine that Michael didn’t welcome into his life.

Michael stopped wanting to take the drugs after that. Instead he found other ways- of course they never made him forget for long, but it was something. He searched clubs, bars- anywhere he could think of, in search of Luke- well not Luke but a replacement. Someone who he could pretend was Luke for a while.

If he couldn’t have Luke he would look for someone like him.

Someone who he could take home, someone he could pretend cared about him, at least for a little while. He would pretend it’s the younger boy he longs after.

But even this didn’t work because by the morning his bed was empty. And that hit him like a brick every time. It hurt more and more every morning when he realised he was so alone.

He tried to avoid Ashton’s concerned looks that were thrown his way once he ventured out of his room. He knew he wanted to see if he was okay, but Michael pleaded him with his eyes. Silently telling him he doesn’t want to talk.

Ashton could take a guess what was wrong with the faded coloured hair boy.

Michael dreaded the moments where he had to face Luke and act normal, he could hardly look at the blonde boy anymore. But for the sake of the band he pretended.

Luke seemed happy without him. He wanted Luke to be happy.

Well that’s what he told himself.

All four of the boys were sitting at the breakfast bar. Michael’s eyes were cast down as he stared intently at his bowl of cornflakes that had started to go soggy.

“So, we have a few days break”
Ashton said breaking the silence.
“Anyone got anything planned?”

Calum started talking about what he was going to do and explore for a while but Michael tuned out, distracting himself by pushing his cereal around the bowl.

He didn’t hear the ringing of a phone until Calum and Ashton had gone silent, making Michael look up to see Luke talking through his phone.

He could take a guess at who it was and he wanted to laugh at how pathetic he felt. He couldn’t deal with Ashton’s sympathetic looks.

“Sounds good” he heard a familiar giggle. It was a sound Michael had come to love but now it made him feel sick.

He took a quick glance at Luke’s face, seeing how his smile was enormous as he was talking rapidly into the phone. But Michael wasn’t prepared for what came next, nor did he ever think he would be. But of course it was stupid, he fooled himself into thinking that Luke wouldn’t ever say this to anyone but him.

“Okay, I love you too” Luke said.

Michael didn’t dare look up or show any emotion, missing the hesitant look Luke threw at him as soon as he said those three words.

He wasn’t sure what he was meant to feel right now. All he knew was that everything hurt right now.

“Well anyway, back to the few days break, I think I’ll join you on the exploring days” Ashton said breaking the silence once again. Thank god for Ashton.

“Do you wanna come Michael?” Calum asked. But the boy just shook his head not trusting his voice as he had a lump stuck in his throat.

“Luke?”

“Oh, uh no thanks, Jays coming to stay for a few days” he said quietly.

Michael wanted to leave but he didn’t want to look like he was affected by Luke anymore.

But he was going to cry. He had managed to control his shaking hands so he was able to act normal when he dumped his bowl into the sink.

“I’m -uh I’m just gonna go play GTA…” He said awkwardly as his excuse to leave.

He heard a few rushed whispers as soon as he left the kitchen.

He lied. Of course he wasn’t going to play GTA. He went straight to him draw picking out a packet of cigarettes, a lighter and his phone before leaving the house without being noticed.

He didn’t know where he was going but he didn’t care right now.

Hours and hours later, Michael hadn’t returned home. He was wondering the streets in the dark, his 8th cigarette of the day hanging from his chapped lips .

No doubt that his face was still streaked with tears. He felt so lost.

He didn’t want to go clubbing, but he decided a bar would be alright. He could find someone there right?

Michael thought he probably looked like the saddest person right now, sitting at the bar alone, nursing a jack Daniels - his 3rd one. His eyes were red and puffy and maybe that’s why no one approached him.

Not until at least a few hours later when Michael was past the point of dizzy drunk.

He was approached by an attractive guy with blonde hair- it was similar to Luke’s but his eyes were a different colour, they weren’t blue, they were the exact opposite.

But he would do.

It took no time for Michael to suggest they get out of there and go back to his. He knew Luke’s boyfriend would be there, he wanted to show he had moved on even if that wasn’t the case.

But he wanted Luke to think he was over him. Wanted Luke to hear him be fucked by someone else just in hopes that maybe the blonde boy would feel something, or maybe he just wouldn’t care because he didn’t love Michael anymore.

Ashton and Calum weren’t there when he got back, the blonde guy following after him.

He was surprised to see Luke on the couch all by himself, a blanket in his lap as he watched the TV.

“Michael?” Luke asked quietly.

“Yeah it’s just me” he relied quietly.

He thought Luke’s boyfriend would be there but he was no where in sight.

Michael walked straight past him with the guy following behind him. Not watching to see Luke’s reaction. Which was one of confusion and hurt. Luke knew he had no right to be hurt. He was the one who broke it off so he couldn’t exactly complain.

Luke could see how hurt Michael was. He didn’t mean for it to be this way. He saw how Michael was slowly killing himself, he knew about the drugs and the drinking and the smoking and the one night stands all of them making Luke worry deeply about him.

But Luke didn’t know how to help him without making him hurt even more, so he stayed away. He was unsure of how to approach the boy he loved so dearly, because it was as if he didn’t know him anymore, especially as Michael had hardly spoken a word to him in months let alone even looked at him.

Luke spent the night blocking out the broken moans coming from Michael’s room trying not to remember how Luke used to be the cause of those. He ended up falling asleep on the sofa, knowing he would regret it in the morning but he didn’t want to walk past Michael’s room.

He woke only hours after as he heard someone walk past him. He cracked one eye open, seeing it was the guy Michael brought home, he was leaving, thank goodness.

Once he was gone Luke checked his phone seeing it was only 3am. He lay on the couch for nearly an hour debating whether he should go and see if Michael was alright.

He decided he would. He’d think about the consequences later.

As he reached closer to Michael’s bedroom he could hear his sniffles and it didn’t take a genius to know that Michael was crying.

“Michael” Luke whispered,knocking gently on the door. He heard his sniffles end abruptly.

“Michael” he said again, walking into the boys room, seeing him bundled up on one half of his bed making himself as small as possible.

“Oh mikey” he whispered and heard the boy let out a chocked sob.

Luke was unsure of what boundaries they had between them but he didn’t care at that moment. He crawled under the covers until Michael’s back was pressed against his front and his arm were wrapped tightly around Michael’s waist pulling him closer against him.

“Mikey” he whispered, stroking his side softly. “Don’t cry” he shushed.
“Please”

“Luke” he sobbed “why’d you leave me? What did I ever do wrong? I-I thought you loved me?” Michael cried quietly.

“Michael, I do love you” Luke reassured.

“No- no you don’t, don’t say that”

“Michael. Listen, I’m always going to love you, that will never change” Luke said placing a small kiss to the back of his neck.

“Why did-”

“Shhh we’ll talk in the morning” Luke said as he needed more time to think. He didn’t want to talk without thinking, scared he would hurt the boy even more.

Michael fell asleep next to Luke for the first time in months and he couldn’t help but feel like his heart had been put back together.

Chapter Text

They didn’t talk about it in the morning.

In fact they didn’t talk at all for a few days.

Michael had woken up to a cold and empty bed, just like he had for the past half year. He supposed that he should have been used to the feeling by now- although he didn’t think he could ever get used to it.

But he can’t help but think that this time felt different to all the other times. Maybe because he had convinced himself that Luke would still be there in the morning, or maybe because Luke had said they would talk in the morning and that… He said he loved him… that had to mean that Luke would stay in the morning right?

Or was he just imagining it all. He thought that maybe Luke never came into his room last night, never hugged him and told him he would be alright, never told him he loved Michael. He thought that maybe it was a dream that seemed to realistic that he couldn’t tell if it was reality or not. He had to many of these types of dreams. He hated them.

But he knew it was real when the pillow next to him smelt like Luke. It lingered in the room as a reminder that the blonde boy had left sometime in the night... Luke had left.

Michael didn’t know how to feel anymore. The pain was so strong that he couldn’t even feel it anymore, maybe because he didn’t bother to move from his position in bed for a few days. He didn't dare to confront Luke and talk to him.

It was a Thursday evening when one of the boys had enough of leaving Michael alone (at his request)

Ashton had barged excitedly into Michael room, startling the boy under the covers as the noise was louder than anything Michael had heard for a while.

He took in Ashton’s appearance, seeing how happy he looked, he had this cheese eating grin on his face and a red tinge to his cheeks. Michael wasn’t about to put a dampener on Ashton’s mood.

“Mikey” he excitedly whispered “I know you want to be alone but I have some really, really good news”

“What is it Ash?” He asked flatly, although he felt a little bad as he wanted to be happy for whatever his friend was happy about.

“Well Calum asked me to move in with him, he brought an apartment the other day as a surprise, it’s finally going to feel like we’re serious about our relationship” Ashton spoke hurriedly as the red head tried to process this information.

Ashton and Calum were moving out, leaving him and Luke.

He wasn’t too sure about that. But what choice did he have?

“Oh, wow you’re… -that’s - great, Ash… That’s, that’s great. I’m happy for you” Michael managed to form a sentence together.

He felt a little bitter towards the two boys for leaving him with Luke when they fully knew the situation between them.

“You’re not mad right?” Ashton asked with a panicked look in his eyes.

“Of course not, you two deserve to be happy together without me and Luke cramping your style” he tried to joke but it came out weak.

“Thanks Mikey”

“Have you told Luke yet?” Michael asked casually wanting to know Luke’s reaction to the news.

“Uh no, I wanted to tell you first, but I think Calum’s going to tell him, he might have already told him” Ashton said. “Mikey, if you feel uncomfortable living with Luke please tell us before we go ahead because if you’re not happy we would never leave”

“Ashton, don’t be stupid, of course Im fine here, you and Calum need to do this for your relationship” the faded hair boy said. He wouldn’t stop Calum and Ashton progressing in their relationship just because his was non-existent.

“Look Mikey, please don’t hide the truth-”

“Ash please, I’m fine okay? You and Calum are moving in together okay?” He wasn’t going to get in the way, he couldn’t do that to Calum and Ashton.

“Mikey-”

“Ashton. Shut up.” Michael chuckled.

“Fine” he huffed at Michael’s stubbornness. Ashton knew deep down that Michael didn’t want them to leave him with Luke. But he felt like himself and Calum needed to do this for their relationship.

“I’m alright you know.” Michael felt the need to say. “I know what you think… That I’m still caught up on Luke, I want you to know that I’m not.” He lied easily and Ashton wanted to believe him but he just couldn’t. But he nodded at the faded hair boy as Michael would insist that he wasn’t if Ashton suggested he was. The thing about Michael was that you could tell by his eyes when he was lying, they gave a lot away, you could always tell how he was feeling by his eyes.

“If you’re sure” he opted to saying.

“I’m sure. I don’t love him anymore” Michael said and it pained him silently.

“You’re a great friend Michael. I want you to know that” Ashton said seriously.

“I know. Now get the hell out before I start getting emotional” Michael joked and Ashton chuckled before leaving his room.

Michael sighed to himself, his face dropping as soon as the door shut behind Ashton.

Maybe this could be a good thing for him and Luke, He thought to himself. It would force them to talk, if not, well …if not, life would be just that little bit more lonely for Michael.

He’d probably fuck up living with just Luke. He’d push him even further away and without Calum or Ashton there to keep Luke staying, he would probably leave. He’d leave Michael, just like he did before. But for good this time, Michael wasn’t enough for Luke to stay.

Luke was everything all at once. He was perfect to Michael in everything he did. Even simple things like his hair. His hair was always perfect, it always tickled him lightly across his skin when they cuddled, he remembers the softness of the blonde strands between his fingers when he raked his hands through it as Luke fell asleep tucked into the crook of his neck. He loved his hair, whether it was quiffed or flat from waking up. Michael thought it would always look perfect no mater what.

He loves how Luke’s body perfectly fit against his own, how Luke’s hands were the perfect size to hold and his head slotted perfectly into the side of Michael’s neck, his shAllow breaths hitting the dents in his collar bones reassuring Michael that Luke was close.

Luke thought he was enough, he would stay until Michael told him to leave. He still loves Michael and he always would, they’ve been friends for a long time, he wasn’t ever going to forget about that, he would still be there for him.

But Luke just couldn’t handle their relationship anymore. He was too much for him. Too dependent, Too relying and Luke, although not much younger than the faded hair boy, couldn’t handle Michael being so dependent on him.

He thought he was doing best by Michael in letting him go- how wrong was he.

Fuck life. Michael thought. What the point in living everyday when you’re not really living it anymore. He was getting by on reliving memories, but it only made everything worse.

Ashton and Calum had left over 6 weeks ago. Michael was surprised he lasted that long in such close proximity to Luke. But he barely saw the blonde boy. It’s as if Luke didn’t actually live here anymore, he just payed half the rent.

On the rare occasions when Luke was at home, they didn’t speak, Michael stayed locked up in his room and Luke stayed locked up in his room.

Michael wished he could talk to him, but he was too afraid of what to say, he didn’t know what he would say if he happened to walk into him in the hall way or the kitchen.

Michael heartbreak had became a dull ache these days. It was in the background and he had learnt not to pay attention to it. He didn’t know when he stopped feeling and became this… this living zombie. He wasn’t okay but he had learnt how to deal with it. He tried to look at it in a positive way.

Things were okay he guessed, he had time to think, sure his thoughts spiralled out of control but when he felt nothing anymore, he didn’t have anything to worry or think about, it was just… Nothing.

It’s funny how he thought he was numb to everything now, he wasn’t prepared to feel again, he at least needed some warning before the blonde boy finally crushed his heart for the last time. It physically hurt him this time, his breath fell short and he thought he could feel his heart crumble into hundreds of pieces, losing themselves inside of him, hiding so he can never be fixed.

Funny how the jumble of words that hardly formed a proper sentence fell out of Luke’s mouth made Michael wish he’d never have to feel again.

“I’m moving in with Jay- I’ll still pay rent and everything- you know, t-to help you out and I’ll make sure I visit and Ashton and Calum, If t-that’s alright with y-you” Luke had started off bluntly and then rushed to finish but the words came out in organised and although he had planned exactly what he was going to say, he didn’t stick to his invisible script.

Luke didn’t know what reaction to expect from Michael. But he didn’t think that Michael would just stare at him blankly, as if he was staring straight through him. In fact it was as if Luke wasn’t even there and Michael was trying to stare at the wall Luke was standing in front of.

He certainly didn’t expect Michael to just shrug. He certainly didn’t expect the coldness of Michael’s eyes when they made contact with his.

Michael’s eyes normally gave everything away, but this time, they were just cold and emotionless. They were blank, Michael’s eyes were never blank, they always told a story.

“Mikey?” Luke had asked warily.

He waited for a minute and it seemed like it took Michael a few minutes to process that Luke had said something.

“You don’t have to pay rent” Michael replied before turning away from him and grabbing his phone to make himself look busy.

“It’s fine- I can’t just not, it’s not fair on you” Luke replied.

“You’re not living here anymore so you don’t need to” he said blankly.

“Its fine, it’ll help you out” Luke said.

“I don’t need your help.” He said dismissively.

“Michael”

“Do you need help packing?” He asked.

“Michael” Luke sighed.

“What?”

“Michael- I… I don’t know what to say” Luke panicked.

“Why don’t you start with goodbye.” Michael said now looking straight at the boy.

“Michael-”

“Just leave” he said waving his hand dismissively.

Luke decided that he’d try and talk to him later, it’s clear the faded hair boy needed time to process it. Luke turned to slowly walk to the door, hearing Michael breath in slowly. He nearly missed the small whisper that accidentally fell from Michael’s lips.

“Does he love you?”

Luke shut his eyes tightly before turning back round to face the boy sitting on the bed. This time Luke could see the sea of emotions behind his eyes.

“I think so” Luke replied with a sad smile.

“D-do you love him?”

“Honestly?” Luke asked thinking hard about it. He made his way towards the bed, sitting down next to Michael,
His right leg pressed against Michael’s left.

“Honestly…” He whispered, his hand lightly touching Michael cheek, feeling the soft skin that he missed so much. Michael closed his eyes at the contact, leaning slightly towards him until Luke’s forehead was brushing against Michael’s.

It was Michael who pressed their foreheads closer together, never thinking he would be this close to Luke again.

“No”

“But you’re still going aren’t you?” Michael said as if he already knew the answer.

“Yes”

Chapter Text

Michael didn't want to wake up. It was the same as it was everyday, waking up in a cold bed, waking up to no one, no one at all.

The house was always silent, if scared Michael to an extent, but he couldn't be bothered to care anymore. He didn't really feel much any more.

Everyone, literal everyone has left him. They walked straight out of the door with empty promises of visiting, only to never actually return. He had spoken for about two weeks, having no one to talk to, except maybe on the phone to order take out as his body didn't want him to leave the house to go food shopping for proper food.

His body felt tired, even though he his main activity for the past week has been sleeping. He had no energy- well motivation to get up. Some days he wished that when he fell asleep, he wouldn't wake up in the morning.

Everything just felt like a circle of repetitiveness, some days he got up to play video games- but he soon became bored of them when he didn't really care anymore. He ate when he remembered - the last time probably being over four days ago but he can't really remember and he showered when he could be bothered.

But now he had hit rock bottom. He hadn't left his bed for two days now. Nobody came to check up on him, not even a text from any of the boys.

It's like no one cared anymore and even Michael didn't care that no one else cared. He just felt nothing. His emotions left him along time, leaving him in silence, he even managed to silence his own thoughts in which he thought was impossible.

Maybe that's what the quiet, silence does to you. It Drive you insane. Burry its self inside of you and slowly tear you apart from the inside until you no longer feel. Until you go completely crazy.

Michael thought of the possible ways to end it, he wasn't strong enough to harm himself, backing out every time in defeat. He held the silvery metal to his skin but he could never mark himself, retreating back to the covers of his bed.

He held small white pills in his hand, staring at them, but he couldn't even give in to them.

He couldn't do it himself. But he couldn't take it anymore. He was completely and utterly lost in the world.

Michael let himself sink to the bottom and now he just kept sinking. He panicked when he tried to sit up from the covers of his bed, his head falling dizzy and landing straight back into his pillow.

He used his arms, taking a hollow breath of air before struggling again. He was too weak to sit up, falling straight back down, his vision blurred until all he saw was light followed by dark and he wanted that darkness to stay.

He didn't want to be saved from drowning, he want to sink all the way to the bottom. Michael hoped that he didn't have to wake up. He wasn't ready to face reality for a day longer than needed.

Obviously that wasn't going to happen. Michael had always been unlucky, things never going his way or turning out into what he wanted.

He felt bad for silently blaming Ashton for the reason he was still stuck in this stupid fucking world.

Of course Ashton had to visit that same day where Michael finally felt relieved that everything would be over now. Ashton found Michael, out cold in his bed. Thinking he was just asleep until he saw how the boy was barely breathing.

He'd called an ambulance, the emergency services taking him straight to the hospital, while Ashton drove behind them, shaking and trembling, his eyes clouded over with tears that were freely falling as he fought to keep driving, because Michael needed him. Michael was being treated for malnourishment and dehydration.

Maybe it had been longer than four days that he had forgotten to eat.

He was wired up, force fed by a tube, oxygen wires attached to his nose and a drip running through his arm. His eyes occasionally fluttering open then closed. He still didn't have the energy to fully open them. He felt tired, more than he did before, but most of all he was confused.

He could feel Ashton's hand in his, he could only just make out Calum's outline, asleep on the chair near the door.

And of course Luke had to be there. He could feel his presence without even opening his eyes. Luke's hand was in Michael's other, his other hand resting on Michael shoulder and his head fallen on his chest where the blonde boy had fallen asleep.

He could see the tips of the blonde hair and it felt comforting. Luke was here, in the same room, touching Michael and who knows, maybe that gave Michael the energy to open his eyes.

"Mikey" Ashton whispered "Mikey, it's okay, you're okay"

He blinked up at the brown haired boy as Ashton squeezed his hand gently.

"W-what hap- happened?"

"Mikey, how long have you not eaten for?" Ashton asked, his eyes glistening under the dim hospital lights.

Michael didn't answer not knowing the answer himself.

"Michael, I'm sorry this is all my fault, I should never have left you on your own and I should have visited more, I'm so sorry I'm such a bad person"

"Not- not your fault" Michael whispered. His eyes falling on Luke. He stroked his thumb over Luke's hand that was loosely holding his.

He took in Luke's appearance as he slept. Soft little sounds escaping his lips as he breathed evenly.

"He hasn't left your side since he got here two days ago, thinks it's his fault" Ashton said.

"S'not his either." Michael mumbled. Lifting his hand out of Luke's and resting on the blondes head, brushing his fingers through his hair.

His actions startled the blonde who abruptly woke up. Michael watched as he was confused at first but then remembered what was going on.

"Mikey" Luke whispered, he was worried, Michael could tell by his eyes. "Oh Michael, I'm so sorry" luke started crying softly, his eyes red and his face blotchy.

"Luke..." Michael whispered but the blonde didn't pay attention. "Lukey"

Luke hugged Michael in an awkward position due to the bed restricting him from it.

"Come up here" Michael said patting the bed gently.

Ashton went to sit next to Calum, lifting the brown haired boy who was still asleep, so he was curled up to Ashton chest.

Luke had climbed carefully next to Michael being cautious not to hurt him.

"Lukey" the faded hair boy whispered, nuzzling his head into Luke's neck "love you"

"Mikey, I love you, I love you so much and I'm so sorry, I should never have left you, I love you and I want to be with you all the time but I was too scared that you hated me" he sobbed

"Luke don't be sorry, everything that happened was a mistake, we - we can start over if you want, we can- we can be friends right?" Michael asked his voice cracking, unsure of what they would be.

"We can't be friends Mikey, we don't work as friends" he cried softly, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands.

"Lukey, please" he whimpered "we have to be, we've been through so much"

"No y-you don't understand, we have to be more than friends, we worked better together we ways will work better when we have each other" Luke said kissing Michael's neck softly from where he lay next to him.

"What do you mean?"

"Me and jay broke up, he knew I didn't love him and he told me that we belong together, me and you. He knew I loved you and he knew I wouldn't ever not" Luke explained, still buried in Michael's neck.

"What- what are you saying?"

"I love you Michael, and if you want to, if you will, please take me back, I should never have left you I knew it was wrong at the time but I still did it and now it's all my fault this has happened" he sobbed into Michael's neck.

Michael could feels the wetness of Luke's tears roll down his neck to his collar tracing a non existent path.

"Please p-please Michael" he cried harder at Michael's lack of response. "Please" he begged. "Mikey"

Michael could feel Luke's breath against his skin and he felt more alive than he had for months.

Luke's hand came up to hold Michael's cheek, pressing himself closer to Michael as he did so. He could feel Luke everywhere and it felt like he was finally coming up for air.

He felt like he wasn't drowning for once, he felt like he could get up, he felt that maybe everything was going to be okay after all.

Michael couldn't form words in his head, they were too jumbled up and he couldn't form a sentence.

"Mikey?" Luke's soft voice asked, waiting for him to respond.

"You know I love you Luke" Michael whispered. "I'd do anything for you, I'd do everything to make you happy, just...please don't leave me ever again" he sniffled quietly.

"I won't, I promise it will be different, better, I need you Michael, it's never the same without you."