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He never said goodbye. He waited. And waited. For him to come back. They’d gone back to Cybertron to bring the planet back to life and Kaede… didn’t say goodbye. They never talked about it. A conversation that was avoided between the two, both knowing how volatile it was in the first place. Yet Kaede still yearned for his affection. And Optimus always gave it.
Kaede didn’t expect to be so selfish. Earlier before, he was willing to sacrifice himself for the good of bringing Cybertron back. But when the time came and Cybertron had been restored, the time for goodbyes came. And Kaede, not wanting to say goodbye, left without a word. He felt childish and immature for feeling this way. But it hurt too much to say anything.
He wakes up one night, that feeling of dread in his stomach worse than before. He couldn’t go back to sleep after that. Kaede laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling, feeling like the world was about to end. Or at least. His.
The space bridge activates one day while Kaede is on base. He gets up, hopeful that he and Ratchet have come back to him. The sound of pede-steps echo throughout the base as Ratchet slowly enters, the bridge deactivating, leaving only him. Kaede and Ratchet make eye contact and Ratchet’s face immediately tells him he has bad news.
“What happened to Optimus,” Kaede asks. Ratchet looks away.
“He’s gone,” Ratchet replies quietly. Kaede’s heart drops. With a shaky exhale, he replies.
“What do you mean… gone.” Ratchet doesn’t reply this time, refusing to meet his gaze. But his face says it all. And Kaede knows deep down what it means. Face pale and suddenly dizzy, Kaede feels a whirlwind of emotions within him that threatens to tear him apart before everything suddenly feels. Numb.
Body feeling like static and moving on its own, Kaede makes his way off base. It doesn’t take any effort for him to put his helmet on and turn on the engine of his motorcycle before racing off base. Running from his problems. Like he always did. But at this point, he didn’t care anymore. The first thing he does in the haze is stop by a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, having gotten rid of his back when- He stops, for a moment before ripping the package open and quickly grabbing a cigarette and lighting it, inhaling in the smoke in one big go before letting out a shaky sharp exhale.
Sitting down on the edge of the concrete sidewalk, he quickly finishes the cigarette and grabs another, lighting it and taking another puff. He quickly shoves the rest of the pack into his jacket pocket and rubs at his face roughly as tears stream down his face.
“Fuck,” Kaede murmurs quietly. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he cries, gritting his teeth.
As soon as Kaede gets home to his apartment, he throws a bag down and puts his clothes and toiletries in. Hoisting the backpack onto himself, he swiftly exits with a sleeping bag in hand. He stuffs the sleeping bag into one of his motorcycle’s compartments and leaves his home, onto the open road. He doesn’t know where he’s going. He just knows he’d rather be anywhere else but here.
The highways become a blur as Kaede goes across the country, trying to find some semblance of peace within himself as he sleeps beneath the stars, taking refuge in the US’ national forests. But nothing really seems to fill the hollow feeling he experiences in his chest. He doesn’t remember how much money he’s spent on cigarette packs. Some days, he stares at the fire he’s made for the night and watches until only the coals are left, red hot embers being his only company as he goes through the sleepless nights.
The beginnings of a beard appear and he doesn’t bother to shave it, his hair a mess. He doesn’t leave it tied up anymore like he used to, letting it down, sitting on his shoulders.
He eventually finds himself in Nantahala National Forest, all the way in North Carolina, far from Nevada. He debates on just making it to the border of Canada and getting lost in the Yukon, or make his way up to Alaska. That is, until Ratchet finds him. Kaede doesn’t know how Ratchet tracked him down. He only looks up to Ratchet as he drives into view before transforming in front of him.
“So this is where you’ve been,” Ratchet says. Kaede, in the middle of smoking a cigarette, exhales the smoke and looks up to him blankly.
“What are you doing here, Ratch…” Kaede asks.
“Taking you home,” Ratchet says.
“I’m not going back,” Kaede says, looking off as he takes another puff of the cigarette. “You don’t gotta look for me anymore, alright,” they then say. “Lemme just, rot in peace, okay,” he says. Ratchet looks down at him with a mournful gaze. He sees himself in him, knowing he said something along those exact lines to Raf and Bumblebee. Ratchet sees Optimus in him as well. Stubborn. Both of them were like that.
Ratchet sits down beside Kaede on the log behind him. He sees how many cigarette butts that sit in the unlit fire pit. It doesn’t help that as soon as Kaede finishes one cigarette, there’s the click of the lighter as he lights another.
“I thought you quit,” Ratchet says.
“Yeah, well, that promise died along with Optimus,” Kaede replies bitterly. Ratchet tries to take the cigarette pack that sits beside Kaede and throw it out or crush it but Kaede’s hand shoots out to snatch it from him. “Ratchet-”
“I’m not letting the only person I care about on this planet smoke himself to death,” Ratchet snaps. Kaede looks up at him with a glare before letting out a sigh and tossing the pack to Ratchet.
“Fine, just take it,” Kaede says. The two don’t speak for a bit before Kaede finally speaks up. “I never got to say goodbye to him,” Kaede says quietly. Ratchet hums.
“I didn’t really get to either,” Ratchet replies. Kaede gives a weak laugh as he kicks at the dirt in front of him.
“I loved him, Ratch,” Kaede then says.
“Me too,” Ratchet replies quietly. Kaede sniffles, wiping away at the stray tears that begin to run down his face. The two go quiet for a minute, Kaede standing up and turning to look at Ratchet with puffy eyes.
“You came back for me, then?” Kaede then asks.
“It was better than being alone back on Cybertron,” Ratchet replies.
“You have the Autobots though,” Kaede says.
“Well, none of them were you,” he says, a fond smile on his face this time. Kaede chuckles, kicking at Ratchet’s pede this time in a playful manner. His face drops into a more serious expression.
“I’m never gonna be ok, Ratchet,” Kaede warns. Ratchet scoffs.
“You think I’m ok?” Ratchet replies. Kaede gives a sigh, shaking his head and concedes.
“No,” Kaede smiles, looking up at him. Ratchet smiles back at him. He gets up from sitting on the log.
“Now, come on, I wanna get back home.” Kaede nods and gathers his things, packing it onto his motorcycle. As he puts his helmet on and turns the engine on, Ratchet transforms into his altmode, Kaede giving a thumbs up as the two begin to get on the road to head back to Nevada. Kaede didn’t think he was ever gonna feel ok but. At least he had someone who knew exactly how he felt.