Chapter Text
Twilight had fallen, narrow sunbeams were streaming through the wooden windows, casting a reddish light on the damp room. A fine layer of dust revealed that its owner had spent a few days away, as the room was otherwise left in a spotless condition.
Levi Ackermann sat hunched over on the narrow bed, its wool-filled mattress sinking beneath his weight. Wet hair clung to his forehead, deep shadows painted his face. His back was curved, his eyes narrowed to slits, about to fall shut at any moment. Exhaustion seeped from every pore, tugging at his limbs. A bottomless emptiness filled him, he was fading around the edges.
His shoes were placed by the door and the dirt-stained clothes from which he had peeled himself were carefully folded on the floor. A finch had perched on a branch outside the window, singing a joyful melody, much to Levi‘s dismay.
Images floated before Levi‘s eyes, memories of his comrades. Petra, engaged in a heated debate with Oruo at the dinner table as Gunther repeatedly interjected with a nonsensical argument, emitting an alcoholic breath that even reached Levi's place at the end of the table. The image was within reach, a painting etched into Levi's skull. His chest tightened. It was a rare occurrence for Levi to allow himself a moment of mourning before stoically returning to his duties. Grief was reserved for those who bore no guilt for the loss they mourned, as far as he was concerned.
Guilt coiled into a weight in his stomach, constricting his organs, making it difficult to breathe. Guilt haunted him at night, a red threat apparent throughout his memories, wrapped around his neck, cutting red streaks into his skin. He was aware that his guilt would not bring comfort to the deceased and would only hinder him in his work. But at that moment, it pulled at him, sank its fangs into his flesh, shook him to the core. This time, he was too exhausted to escape the pain, to numb it with work, to relegate it and force it into his subconscious where it would come back to haunt him in his dreams. He surrendered to the flood that threatened to engulf him, letting himself be carried away by the current, observing his physical form through an outsider's lens.
A knock shattered the silence, causing Levi to flinch.
Eren.
Levi resisted inviting him in. He was aware that the resentment he held toward the boy was unjustified. A boy his age couldn‘t possibly have prevented the events that had unfolded, whether he possessed superhuman powers or not.
A bitter taste spread on Levi's tongue. He closed his eyes.
"Come in."
Eren slipped hesitantly through the door gap. He resembled a shadow, emaciated and exhausted. Dark circles showed beneath his eyelids, giving his expression a hollow appearance. His eyes were red, his trembling hand resting on the doorknob. He had been crying.
Levi's expression hardened; he reminded himself of his duties which entailed serving as a sort of mentor figure to his subordinate.
"I wanted to ask if you would join me for dinner, sir." Eren's voice was rough and scratchy, as though he‘d spent the last hour screaming. His gaze avoided Levi's and darted restlessly around the room.
Truthfully, Levi was not hungry in the slightest and he particularly resisted the idea of dining at the table where his comrades used to sit. Yet the thought of leaving Eren alone in the dining hall made him feel equally uneasy.
"Just give me a moment, Eren. I'll be with you shortly."
Eren's eyes widened. He clearly hadn’t expected Levi to agree.
"T-Thank you, sir. I'll prepare something for us."
He closed the door, leaving Levi alone with his swirling thoughts.
The sun had nearly disappeared below the horizon. The finch had fallen silent.
They ate in silence, filling the same seats as before, ignoring the empty seats between them as though their fallen comrades had never left. The silence wasn‘t exactly uncomfortable, yet so very loud, stretching out between them, only disrupted by the clattering of dishes. Eren struggled to suppress the wave of emotions that‘d been building beneath the surface. His brows were furrowed, his body trembling. Levi was unsure of how to comfort him, he was searching for the right words but they died in his throat. He wasn‘t good at these things, felt entirely unqualified and out of place.
At times, beneath his rage and fiery passion, Eren was so fragile Levi feared he could break without being touched, delicate and frail and exposed to a cruel world that was not made for him. Levi could see the burden on his shoulders, a burden so heavy for somebody who was still so very young.
“Does it get easier?”
Eren looked at him with eyes so big one could get lost in them, drown in their depth and trace each flash of hope, anger, excitement as they bubbled up. Levi dwelled on his answer and decided there was no use denying the truth, as ugly as it may be.
“You learn to live with it, though it hardly gets easier. It becomes more bearable when you get to slice some titans along the road - on a good day, that is.“
Eren looked down at his full plate, poking around in his food. It tasted stale, anyway, Levi found. Then again, when did military food ever taste any good.
"I expect that isn’t the answer you‘d hoped for,” Levi added.
"If I had wanted to be comforted by a lie, do you think I‘d have come to you of all people? Sir,“ Eren muttered sheepishly.
Levi‘s lips quirked upwards. "I suppose you wouldn‘t.”
He eyed Eren attentively for a minute. "Do you regret your decision?"
Eren took a shaky breath before answering. "I do.”
"There‘s no use in dwelling on it now. So many factors play into the outcome of a conflict like that. Nobody is able to predict what‘ll happen. Not even someone with superhuman abilities."
Eren started to fidget around anxiously. "I know we would have stood a chance if we hadn‘t been separated."
"You chose to put your trust in your comrades. That must be worth something.”
"I could have saved them. They died protecting me. I‘m the sole reason your squad was eradicated, if I were you I wouldn‘t even tolerate my presence right now,” Eren choked.
Levi rubbed his eyebrows. "It‘s never as simple as that, Eren. If we really ought to play this game, then I might as well be to blame. I allowed our squad to be separated from me even though they‘d been put in my custody. Besides, I ripped your body out of that titan‘s mouth - if it weren‘t for your superhuman strength, you‘d be a dead man, too. You‘d have given your life. But there‘s no point in hypothesizing now.”
Eren bit his lower lip. He‘d never looked more his age. "Do you ever feel guilty?", he whispered faintly.
Every night.
"It‘s the curse of survival."
It was a slow descent into madness.
Each night, the sound of boots clattering against the floor would echo through the dungeons as Levi would escort Eren down the stairwell. The light coming from the torches would draw distorted shadows on their faces. The keys would jangle below Levi‘s wrist as he‘d swiftly guide them towards the keyhole of Eren‘s cell.
Levi had become accustomed to the thick tension hanging in the air between them, suffocating the idea of making conversation entirely. He felt agitated, could feel his heart hammering against his ribcage and was entirely unsure of what to make of these sensations. Surely it didn‘t stem from his distrust towards his subordinate since he was well aware that if it came down to a battle, he would have the upper hand without a doubt.
Each night, he‘d chain Eren to the wall. He‘d adjust the handcuffs around his wrists and could feel jolts of energy pulsating through his veins as he‘d feel Eren‘s soft skin beneath his fingertips, and Levi’s breath would hitch as Eren’s gaze would pierce right through him.
Since when he apparently got off on chaining up teenagers, he didn‘t fucking know either, thank you very much.
If my touch were to corrupt you, would you allow it still?
His traitorous body would run on instinct, an instinct he suppressed with every fiber of his willpower, an instinct telling him to reach out and touch, to taste and leave marks that would disappear in an attempt to claim what could never be his.
Levi had never felt this way before. It was puzzling to say the least, as he hadn‘t taken a particular liking to the younger boy. He was so very different from Levi, reckless and overwhelmed by emotions he couldn‘t yet control, frustratingly so. He wore his heart on his sleeve and had a bad temper which aggravated Levi to no end. If somebody were to ask him what he thought of Eren Yeager, he‘d likely spit out a few insults before naming his qualities. Qualities which entailed a few perks, he‘d have to admit, as Eren‘s determined nature qualified him as the only person Levi would ever allow to clean his room. He was a fast learner and had adapted to Levi‘s incessant demand for cleanliness much quicker than any other squad member Levi had met thus far. Additionally, Eren was the only person he‘d trust to make his tea. Petra had always put in too much sugar, despite the many times he‘d called attention to it.
Eren was fierce and passionate and to somebody who‘d become as numb to most sensations as Levi, it was fascinating to witness Eren‘s sporadic bursts of emotion, a reminder of what it means to be alive.
He‘d attempted to shut down these trains of thought and would punish Eren for them by damning him to unreasonable chores and insulting him whenever he‘d made a minor mistake.
On a particular night, Eren had confronted him about it.
“Captain, there is something I have been meaning to ask you for quite some time now,“ Eren had come out and said, meeting Levi’s gaze reluctantly. “I am well aware that it is likely not my place to ask but uncertainty has been plaguing me and I would prefer to be upfront with you.“ He took a moment to gather his courage. “Would… Would I be correct to assume you hate me?“
Levi had towered over him as Eren sat on the bed in his cell, and he‘d ignored the strange knot in his stomach when he met Eren‘s glazed eyes. “Hate is a strong word, brat.“
„Well, you don‘t particularly seem to like me.“
Levi recalled the moment he first laid eyes on the boy as he was crouching on the stone floor of the dungeon, his back hunched beneath the weight of the iron steel chains tugging at him. Despite the circumstances, Eren's eyes burned with an anger that was familiar to Levi. Inherent in Eren's inhuman strength was a responsibility Levi didn't trust him with.
“You‘re a big pain in the ass, in case you haven‘t noticed,“ Levi muttered, ignoring the familiar sting of guilt in his stomach.
Eren just stared and Levi decided he would have been okay with putting down roots right then and there. Neither of them dropped their gaze as the unwavering intensity built up, thick tension crackling in the air. Levi cleared his throat.
“You inexplicably develop the ability to transform into a superhuman being which challenges everything we’ve learned about mankind’s worst enemy thus far, and you wanna ask me why I’m suspicious of you?”
Eren‘s gaze dropped. Levi flinched, sudden regret washing over him.
“What answer did you expect?”
“I don‘t know,“ Eren admitted, “but I assumed you’d have started to think of me as more than the monster people expect.“
“You are designed to cause destruction, Eren. Even without your titan shifting abilities, you and death are interlinked. It is an integral part of you, whether you like it or not.“
There it was. That flash of fiery rage in Eren‘s eyes as he glared upwards, his nostrils flaring, hands balled to fists in his lap. Levi relished in it, he was itching to poke and prod in hopes of getting another reaction out of him. It was exhilarating.
Eren tilted his head slightly, his features distorted by fury. “Don‘t you think you‘re being a tad bit hypocritical, captain?“
Abruptly, Levi tugged at the chain that he‘d held onto and used it to pull Eren forward, dragging him upwards until they were at eye level, mere inches apart. He‘d acted on instinct, driven by the fire that had erupted in his stomach, an urge to wipe that smug expression off Eren‘s face. Eren seemed startled at first but he gained his composure quickly. His pitch black pupils devoured the blue of his iris as he held Levi‘s gaze intently.
“Feeling cocky, are we?“ Levi‘s voice came out hoarse. He could feel the heat radiating from Eren‘s body.
Eren’s wore a downright sinful expression now, his gaze dropping to meet Levi‘s lips. “I’ve seen you on the battlefield, captain. A weapon designed for murder, as am I. Your thirst for blood is as distinctive as mine, Levi,“ he whispered.
Something about the way Eren spoke his name, about the way it rolled off his tongue, flipped a switch within Levi, irrevocably so.
Without thinking, he closed the distance between them. Their mouths clashed in a heated battle fueled by raw passion, a stifled moan escaping Eren‘s lips as Levi’s hands travelled up and down Eren‘s body, eager to explore the skin beneath his clothing. It was a desperate kiss, clearly inexperienced on Eren‘s behalf. Burning with desire, driven by a hunger so strong it drowned out his better judgement, Levi deepened the kiss and slipped his tongue between Eren‘s lips, licking against his teeth. Eren caught on quickly and proved himself a worthy opponent as he sunk his teeth in Levi‘s bottom lip until he tasted blood before moving on to his neck where he began to suck at a particularly sensitive area, drawing a lewd moan from Levi. In response, the older man forcefully pushed his opponent against the stone wall opposite to him and closed his hand around Eren’s throat before meeting his lips once again. Hands stained by the lives they’d taken were now wrapped around his neck. Levi could feel Eren‘s pulse beneath his palms as he traced the veins on the side of his neck and he tightened his grip, erupting a sweet moan from Eren‘s lips which went straight to Levi‘s cock. He was rock hard by then, his straining erection pressing against the fabric of his pants, jolts of pleasure running through his body whenever Eren’s hips would rock against his. It was only when Eren‘s hands travelled downwards and began to work on Levi‘s belt that Levi finally came to his senses, forcing himself to pull away, causing Eren to groan in frustration.
“What is it?“, he breathed out.
The sight Levi was presented with was obscenely erotic. Eren‘s hair was tousled, his swollen lips parted, his chest heaving beneath his rumpled shirt. His pupils were blown with sparks of desire flashing through his eyes.
“Eren -”
“Don‘t say it,” Eren cut him off and leaned in for another kiss. Costing him all willpower he could muster up in that instant, Levi stepped back even further.
“Eren, we can’t, I can‘t-”
“No one will know,” Eren pleaded.
Levi closed his eyes, a shaky breath escaping his lips. “It‘s not right.“
I want to ruin you, tear you apart, flesh ripped open to expose a heart too fragile for these hands.
“So?“ Eren‘s face, illuminated by the torch light, wore a determined expression.
“Fuck, Eren, you‘re half my age.“
“You‘ve wanted this for a while now, haven‘t you? You‘ve thought about it at least.“ Eren carefully stepped closer. “And so have I.“
Levi could feel his pulse quickening once again. Internally, part of him was screaming at him to leave before any more damage could be done but he found himself unable to move a single muscle.
Eren came to a halt. His big eyes were full with desperation and longing and desire, and Levi could see a fragment of himself reflected in his gaze. “Please, captain.“ It was barely a whisper, his voice was soft and warm. Levi felt so heavy, an inexplicable weight pulling at him, and he longed to give in. To let go of everything, lose himself in these sensations. He was unable to form a single coherent thought as his heart continued to hammer against his ribcage.
“I want to feel good again, I want to forget, just for now, just for a while.“ He looks so innocent, Levi thought despite himself. Eren took another step forward. “I’ll beg if I have to, I’ll crawl and bleed and get on my knees, I‘ll do whatever you want, just please - Don’t leave me. Hurt me, use me however you please, I don‘t care, I don‘t give a fuck, as long as you don‘t fucking leave me here. I just - I need this. I need you, Levi.“
Fuck.
As Eren was finishing his sentence, Levi grabbed him by his collar and forcefully pressed their lips together once again, the abrupt motion nearly causing them to topple over. Their bodies were moving in sync, rocking against each other, desperate for friction, desire eating at them like a parasite. When Eren got on his knees and began unbuckling Levi‘s belt with shaky hands, Levi ran his hands through the brunet‘s hair, tugging at it as he moaned his name.
"Fuck, Eren -"
Levi could hear the soft pop of his buttons as Eren undid them, the motion achingly slow. Eren smirked up at him, a dangerous glint in his eyes, murdering all innocence that had filled them before. Finally, he pulled out Levi‘s straining cock and began licking pre-cum off the tip. Levi‘s eyes rolled backwards as he sucked in a sharp breath. Ravenous hips pushed forward, forcing Eren to take in his length entirely, causing him to gag. Levi opened his eyes and became undone at the sight, indulging in the sheer depravity of it all. He began thrusting into Eren‘s hot, slick mouth, picking up speed quickly, saliva dripping from Eren‘s mouth. The gagging sounds he made spurred Levi on even further.
“Mmh, so good for me, Eren. Ngh, wanna - ruin you, ah,” Levi ground out in between moans. His dick was mercilessly ramming against the back of Eren‘s throat, again and again until Levi was panting, sweat dripping down his face. It was raw and filthy. Suddenly, fleeting images began to float before his eyes, memories of a time he‘d attempted to erase from his mind. Distorted images of depravity, of darkness and grime, accompanied by a stench that had followed him well into adulthood. He‘d spent his life running from it, fooling himself into believing that he could escape the hell he was born into.
Darkness closed in around him as his thrusts became erratic. Forming a silent prayer, his eyes met those of the boy in front of him as tears streamed down Eren‘s face. He could feel the heat building in his groin and his mind went blank with ecstasy, waves of pleasure washing over him as he came in Eren‘s mouth, riding a high so blissfully intense it overpowered him.
Though the frantic memories dissipated, the silent prayer lingered.
Pulling at strands of hair, he pushed Eren away.
“Look at me.“
A sight to behold, Levi thought, savoring the moment. “So good on your knees.“
A blush spread across Eren‘s dimly lit face. He grinned sheepishly, drinking in the praise.
“Where did you learn how to do that?”
“Sharing your sleeping chamber with male cadets comes with a few perks.” Eren‘s eyes were glowing dangerously.
Levi sat down on the bed positioned behind him, feeling weak in the knees, and Eren moved forward to capture his lips in a deep kiss. Levi could taste himself on Eren’s tongue and under different circumstances, he surely would have pulled away in disgust, but in that moment he couldn’t get himself to care.
Something had shifted in the air between them, apparent through the fond nature of the kiss, slow and visceral. Levi winced at the sting of guilt in his chest. Realization hit him, a wave of regret and terror washing over him. Before he could continue his train of thought, his fingers wandered towards Eren‘s waistband, the clink of his belt barely audible. Eren gasped as Levi closed his hand around his cock all the while deepening their kiss. The silent prayer from before returned to him.
Take it from me. Strip me bare and unravel my darkest regrets, free me from this guilt. Just for now, make me forget.
His other hand snatched forward and went around Eren‘s neck once again, his firm grip tightening. He could hear Eren struggle for air but didn‘t let loose, instead he began stroking his length, fingers slick with pre-cum. Eren‘s breathing became erratic, his eyes widened. Levi‘s pace quickened and judging by the way Eren‘s body tensed up as stifled moans escaped his lips, the way he closed his eyes and tilted his head backwards, Levi could tell he wouldn‘t last long. Finally, he released Eren‘s neck from his tight grip and instead put his hand over the boy‘s mouth. Eren coughed as he struggled to breathe.
“Come for me, Eren, come for your captain,” Levi whispered hoarsely into his ear.
Eren‘s eyes fluttered close, his body trembling as the orgasm washed over him, clinging onto Levi and holding on for dear life. Levi removed his hand from Eren’s mouth but kept stroking him until Eren collapsed in his arms, muscles twitching.
Neither of them spoke for a long time, their heavy breathing echoing against the stone walls. Levi was the first to move as he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and began cleaning up the floor.
Reality settled in, an overwhelming guilt along with it. He was so deeply ashamed it nearly brought him to his knees. What had possessed him to act on this… deranged impulse? Perhaps he was sick. He did feel quite feverish, now that he thought about it; he was burning with heat and covered in sweat he ached to wash away.
Eren sat down on the bed, sinking against the wall sluggishly, wearing a blissful expression.
“Captain -”
“Don‘t,“ Levi cut him off, avoiding his gaze. “Whatever you‘re about to say, just - don‘t.“
Silence lingered between them.
“You regret it.”
Levi paused, a deep sigh escaping his lips. “I took your innocence, Eren.“
“You regret me.“ Eren‘s voice betrayed the pain he attempted to mask with anger.
“This was a mistake on my behalf, you‘d have to be a fool not to see that. I‘m your superior, I‘ve been instructed to kill you the minute you become a threat. If word of this spreads, it‘s not just that I‘ll lose my position. I could be hanged for this, for fuck‘s sake.“
Eren‘s eyes were swimming with tears.
“I‘m sorry, Eren.”
Levi was a man of few words, and those typically didn‘t include apologies. But in that moment, he meant every word. The apology hung heavy in the air, suffocating him.
Eventually, Eren laid down on the bed and turned around to face the wall, muffling the sobs he’d attempted to suppress. Levi remained rooted to the spot, overcome by a sense of existential dread. He‘d reached a point of no return and passed it, and what frightened him most of all was that he didn‘t feel nearly as guilty as he should have. There was nothing left of him worthy of compassion, of guilt. He felt as though he‘d ceased to exist, a hollow shell of his former self standing in front of a boy so full of life, raw emotion streaming down his face, all the while he felt so numb he fought the urge to rip at his flesh just to feel human again.
He did nothing of the sort. Instead, he turned to leave, the sound of Eren crying engrained into his memory, a dreadful lullaby that would later echo through his mind as he’d attempt to fell asleep.