Chapter Text
(Agatha and her grandkids, Michelle and Kenny are sitting on the living room couch, watching Dhar Mann.)
Dhar Mann (on TV): Thank you so much for watching this video, and remember, we’re not just telling stories. We’re changing lives.
Agatha: Oh, what a lovely story. I’m so glad that awful woman learned not to be a golddigger. Gets me every time.
(She dabs at her eyes with a tissue.)
Michelle: Yep. That’s Dhar Mann. His videos always have the best messages.
Kenny: I heard he lifts weights for three hours every day.
Michelle: And he still makes time to make quality content for us. He’s the coolest.
Agatha: I see. Do you kids have any idea if this Dhar Mann fellow is single?
Kenny: No. He has a wife, I think.
Agatha: Oh, what a shame. But I suppose you can’t expect a man like that to stay unattached for long. Say, what’s that on the television set?
(Michelle and Kenny turn to look at the TV, where a 60-ish-year-old woman is reviewing a Dhar Mann video).
Michelle: Oh no. Not her again.
Agatha: What’s the problem? Who is she?
Michelle: That Vegan Screecher. She’s always bullying Dhar Mann for using meat in his videos.
That Vegan Screecher (on TV): No! Don’t show children eating hamburgers! They come from a cycle of violence!! Dhar Mann, this is very bad behavior. You must put vegan food in your videos.
Agatha: I don’t understand. Why would someone criticize such a kind, attractive young man?
Kenny: I don’t know. Someone who has nothing better to do, I guess.
Michelle: Or someone who can’t stand that not everyone thinks the same way she does.
Agatha: I will not stand for this. That horrible woman must be stopped! Come now, children. We’re going to assemble a team!
…
(Shot of Agatha’s car pulling up in the driveway of an old farmhouse. Agatha and her grandchildren step out of the car and make their way to the front door. Agatha knocks and the three wait for an answer.)
Kenny: Why are we here again?
Agatha: Why, this is the house of my old friend Carnivore McGee. I think he might be able to help us show that no-good Vegan Screecher who’s boss. Carnie never was a fan of those vegans, you see. I remember back in ‘67, he would…
(The door opens to reveal the face of Carnivore McGee.)
Carnivore McGee: Aggie? ‘S that you?
Agatha: It sure is, Carnie.
Carnivore McGee: And who’re these little tikes?
Agatha: These are my grandchildren. Michelle and Kenny.
Michelle: Hi, Mr. McGee.
Carnivore McGee: Oh, stop that nonsense. You can call me Carnie.
(Michelle nods politely.)
Carnivore McGee: What are y’all doin’ out here, Aggie?
Agatha: Well, we three have a favor to ask you. Have you ever heard of That Vegan Screecher?
(Carnivore spits to his left.)
Carnivore McGee: Darn right I’ve heard of her. Biggest stinkin’ jerk I’ve ever seen. Talkin’ about all that plant nonsense. Wish someone’d get the gumption to wipe ‘er off the face of the dadgum planet.
Agatha: Actually, the kids and I are looking to get her banned from the world wide web. Isn’t that right, children?
Michelle and Kenny (in sync): Yes, sir.
Carnivore McGee: And how are you plannin’ to do that?
Agatha: We’re gathering a group of the most righteous Dhar Mann loyalists in the world to launch a full-scale attack on the Vegan Screecher and everyone she stands for.
Carnivore McGee: Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve been watching Dhar Mann’s videos for a good few years now. You won’t find a single fellow in the world so kind.
Kenny: And intelligent!
Michelle: And attractive:
Carnivore McGee: Say, you kids seem pretty smart for bein’ so young. Would you mind if I impart some wisdom to feed those brains of yours?
Kenny: Of course, sir!
Carnivore McGee: Do you know why you won’t find a single plant growing on this here farm?
(The children shake their heads).
Carnivore McGee: It’s because plants’ll poison you with their organic compounds and their so-called “nutritional value”. When you’re on Carnie McGee’s land, it’s all animal products from dawn ‘til dusk. Except coffee. Coffee doesn’t count.
Michelle: Why not?
Carnivore McGee: Don’t worry about it. All you need to know is that you must never eat another plant as long as you live. And don’t let any vegan radicalist tell you otherwise. Got it?
Michelle and Kenny (in sync): Yes sir!
Agatha: So I take it you’re in?
Carnivore McGee: Of course I am. When you’re ready, give me a call.
(He waves goodbye and retreats back into his house.)
Kenny: Well that was easy. Where to next, Grandma?
Agatha: Well actually, I’m not quite sure. I was hoping you kids would have some ideas.
Michelle: Actually, I think I might know someone.
…
(Agatha, Kenny, and Michelle are sitting in a living room with their college-aged cousin, Carol.)
Carol: Hey, listen, I love Dhar-Dhar as much as anyone, but I don’t really get why you want to fight the Vegan Screecher. I mean, sure, she says mean things about his videos, but her message about fighting for animals is really important! I mean, why do you think I became vegetarian?
Kenny: I always just thought you hated yourself or something.
Carol: Not quite. It’s because I love and respect all of Earth’s creatures!
Michelle: Well, if that’s the case, why do you wear sweaters?
Carol: What?
Michelle: The Vegan Screecher says that wearing wool is evil because it means you’re stealing from sheep.
Carol: But that doesn’t make any sense! Sheep literally need to get sheared in order to survive.
Kenny: It doesn’t seem to matter to her.
Carol: That’s it. There is no way I’m gonna stop wearing sweaters.
Agatha: So you’ll help?
Carol: Of course I will. I won’t have some out-of-touch boomer targeting my aesthetic. No offense, Grandma.
Agatha: None taken. I’m just glad to see my beautiful granddaughter standing up to blasphemy.
Carol: You know what? Maybe I’ll go back to eating meat. After all, if Dhar Mann is doing it, then I should too!
Michelle: It is as the Dhar Mann Bible teaches us. “Cursed is the woman who trusts in plant and makes veganism her strength, whose heart turns away from the Dhar.”
Agatha: Well said, Michelle. Carol, when it’s time to make a move, we’ll let you know.
Carol: Sure thing, Grandma.
…
Dhar Mann: Over the next two days, Agatha and her grandchildren work hard to build up an army to take down That Vegan Screecher. They are very successful, as Dhar Mann is extremely famous and beloved by all. They decide to call themselves Dhar’s Angels, and together, they make a plan. But the day before the attack is supposed to take place, they realize that there is a problem. None of them actually know where the Vegan Screecher lives. Luckily, Kenny has an idea.
Kenny: What if we call SSSniperWolf?
Agatha: Who?
Kenny: SSSniperWolf! The YouTuber who collabs with Dhar Mann! I hear she has a knack for finding people’s addresses. Maybe she could let us know where the Vegan Screecher is.
Michelle: Are you sure? Isn’t that, like, doxxing?
Kenny: Something like that. But it’s for a good cause! We can trust her. I promise.
Agatha: Well any friend of Dhar Mann’s is a friend of mine. Do your stuff, son.
(Kenny picks up the phone and dials SSSniperWolf’s number. She instantly picks up.)
SSSniperWolf: Hello?
Kenny: Hey, SSSniperWolf! I’m Kenny and I’m a huge fan of your content!
SSSniperWolf: How old are you?
Kenny: Eleven.
SSSniperWolf: Wow. That surprises me since most of my fans are adults.
Kenny: Yeah. I guess I just have mature interests. Anyway, there’s something I need to ask you.
SSSniperWolf: Sure. Ask away.
Kenny: Do you think you could doxx That Vegan Screecher for me?
SSSniperWolf: What? Me? Doxx someone? I don’t even know how to doxx!
Kenny: I know, but you’re so good at absolutely everything that I thought you could figure it out.
SSSniperWolf: Sorry, kid. I don’t think I can afford another internet scand- I mean, that seems immoral.
Kenny: It’s for a good cause. I promise! She said that Dhar Mann’s videos are evil!
SSSniperWolf: She said what about Dhar Mann?!! Hold on. I’ll be right over.
(She hangs up the phone. Roughly five minutes later, Agatha and the kids hear a knock at the door. Michelle runs to get it.)
Michelle: SSSniperWolf?!! But how did you find us?
SSSniperWolf: I have my ways. Now what’s the plan?
…
(Meanwhile, That Vegan Screecher is sitting at her dining room table, sipping a glass of oat milk and scrolling through her phone. Suddenly, she spies a social media post about Agatha’s plot to take her down.)
That Vegan Screecher: Oh, what’s this? A group of bigoted veganphobes want me to stop harassing people?
(She stands up, slamming her hands on the table.)
That Vegan Screecher: Well, they’re going to have to do better than one little riot to stop me! It’s time to show them just how compassionate That Vegan Screecher can be! A ha! A ha ha ha ha ha-
(She glances down at her dog, who gives her a look of utter confusion.)
That Vegan Screecher: Bella, fetch my ukulele. We have some racist-toward-animals monsters to defeat!
…
(On the day of the attack, Agatha and the rest of Dhar’s Angels pull up outside That Vegan Screecher’s house.)
Agatha: Kenny, do you have the jerky?
Kenny: Yup?
Agatha: What about you, Michelle? Do you have the chicken eggs?
Michelle: I sure do!
Agatha (over a walkie-talkie): Everyone ready?
Dhar’s Angels: Yes, ma’am!
Agatha: Then let’s show that awful woman what happens when you criticize Dhar Mann.
(One by one, the angels file out of their vehicles, and take their positions on That Vegan Screecher’s lawn. Agatha lifts a megaphone to her lips.)
Agatha: VEGAN SCREECHER, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! THIS IS A CITIZEN’S ARREST!!
(The front door opens and the Vegan Screecher steps out onto her porch.)
That Vegan Screecher: Wow! I’m so glad all of you are here so I can educate you on how much you’re hurting the animals! You see, in factory farms-
Carol: Heard it!!
That Vegan Screecher: What?
Carol: I’ve heard what goes on in factory farms. Most people have. That doesn’t mean that we’re required to focus all our energy into stopping it.
That Vegan Screecher: So you know, you acknowledge, that innocent animals are being murdered for your consumption every day, and you still choose to eat them?
Michelle: No! She doesn’t! Carol’s a vegetarian!
That Vegan Screecher: No! No, no, no ! Vegetarians are the enemy!
Carol: So…you want me to stop being vegetarian?
That Vegan Screecher: Yes, you need to-
Carol: Great advice! Really appreciate it.
(She reaches into her sweater pocket and pulls out a slice of ham.)
That Vegan Screecher: No! What are you doing?! That is someone’s mother!!
Carol: I used to enjoy helping animals. Then I saw your videos and suffered so much secondhand embarrassment that I didn’t really feel like it anymore.
Michelle: You’re a disgrace to vegans everywhere!
Kenny: Yeah! What she said!
That Vegan Screecher: No, children, you’ve got it all wrong! This is-
Agatha: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, HEATHEN!
That Vegan Screehcer: This isn’t fair! I’m being targeted by veganphobes!!
Carnivore McGee: Oh, I’ll show you veganphobia!
(He pulls out a meat cannon designed by another one of the angels, and fires a giant steak at That Vegan Screecher’s porch. Her dog sees this and runs outside to take a bite.)
That Vegan Screecher: No, Bella! Bad girl! You’re hurting the animals!
(She grabs the dog by the collar and thrusts her back inside. The dog lets out a whimper.)
Kenny: And you call us the monsters?
That Vegan Screecher: I am not a monster, I-
(Her eyes widen in horror as Dhar’s Angels pull various animal products from their bags and begin eating them in the sloppiest way possible.)
That Vegan Screecher: You monsters! How can you do something like this?! You are paying for murder!
Carnivore McGee: This is what you get for preaching Dhar Mann blasphemy!
That Vegan Screecher: Well, this is what you get for being racist toward animals.
(She grabs a ukulele off her porch swing and begins playing.
“Eating animals is wrong, Dhar’s Angels! Hurting animals is wrong, Dhar’s Angels! Share this song, and swear that you’ll be vegan from now on!
(Several of the angels, including Kenny and Michelle, drop their food and cover their ears.)
Agatha: Kenny, Michelle, are you two alright?
Kenny: Her singing! It-it hurts!
(The children look on in horror as the Vegan Screecher presses a button on her phone and a beat starts to play. She attempts to dance and worse…rap. Once she’s finished, the entire crowd looks ready to vomit.)
That Vegan Screecher: Will you promise to be vegan now, or do I need to get naked?!
Carol: Oh my- What?!! Why would that help?!
That Vegan Screecher: To get attention!
Agatha: MISS VEGAN SCREECHER, PLEASE! THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT!
That Vegan Screecher: Children whose innocence was already taken from them when their parents first fed them a dead animal against their will.
SSSniperWolf: Don’t worry, everyone. I got this. Vegan Screecher! If you get naked right now, I will film it and post it all over the internet!!
That Vegan Screecher: Ha! You think that scares me?! Threats like that don’t work on people who have no shame!
Michelle: Oh no. We didn’t account for a humiliation fetish!
Kenny: What if this is a lost cause?
(Around them, a lot of the angels look ready to give up. Then, suddenly, a giant laser blows up half the porch. Bella comes running out of the wreckage, jumping into Carol’s arms. The angels turn their heads to see where the blast came from. To their surprise, they see none other than the man himself Dhar-Dhar Binks stepping out of his brand new laser tank.)
Agatha: Dhar Mann! What are you doing here?!
Dhar Mann: I got a call from SSSniperWolf saying that you guys were defending me, so I decided to come help you defeat your enemy. Like I always say, cursed is the woman who trusts in plant and makes veganism her strength, whose heart turns away from the Dhar.
Agatha: My kids taught me that one!
SSSniperWolf: Hey, Dhar Mann! How’s it going?
Dhar Mann: SSSniperWolf! It’s so good to see you.
(He grabs her shirt and pulls her into a passionate kiss. Agatha looks on in envy.)
Dhar Mann: Hey, Agatha. I think I owe you a ‘thank you’ too.
Agatha: Oh, it’s quite alright, Dhar Mann, I-
(He grabs her shirt and kisses her with similar passion.)
Agatha: Oh. Oh my…
Michelle: Didn’t you and SSSniperWolf just…
Kenny: Yeah, and aren’t you married?
Dhar Mann: Don’t worry. We have an open relationship. Would you two like to join in?
Michelle: No thank you, sir.
Dhar Mann: Alright. Hey, where’d That Vegan Screecher go?
(The angels look to the porch, to find that she has vanished.)
Carnivore McGee: Consarn it! She got away.
Dhar Mann: Don’t worry. I have good news. I got YouTube to delete her current account. It will take a while for her to find her footing again.
Agatha: And when she does, we’ll be ready.
Kenny and Michelle: Yeah we will!
…
Bonus Ukulele Song Parody:
G
Harassing people is wrong, Vegan Teacher.
F
Using racial slurs is wrong, Vegan Teacher.
G C
Hear this song
F G C
And don’t force your dietary choices on others from now on.
C
Sexualizing babies is wrong, Vegan Teacher.
F
Comparing non-vegans to Hitler is wrong, Vegan Teacher.
G C
Hear this song
F G C
And maybe try minding your own goddamn business from now on!