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It all happened so fast. The Female Titan raised its hand, the new recruit— that strange Ackerman girl— visibly realizing her mistake. Out of instinct, he rushed forward, slamming her out of the way. He landed, his left leg hitting first. As soon as he hit the hand, he knew something was wrong, an immediate sharp pain clanging through him. He gritted his teeth against the urge to cry out, quickly lunging forward to retrieve Eren.
And after that, the day had been a blur. Time became irrelevant as his damn leg began to throb. Commands left his mouth, but he hardly registered the words, his fingers clumsily pulling the sigils from the jackets, Erwin’s words to him falling on half-deaf ears. He couldn’t tell how many hours the return had taken, but every second of it was laced with the blood and snapped bones his squad had become.
Why couldn’t I have just gotten there sooner?
Each step sent a flame crawling up his leg, his jaw sore from clamping his mouth shut. He clutched the reins of his horse too tight in his fist, eyes locked on the space between Hange and Moblit’s head.
“Captain Levi!”
Not now.
An aged man, by Survey Corps standards at least, ran into his periphery vision, brown hair framing a wrinkled, cheery face. “My daughter is your squad— I’m Petra’s father.”
His chest tightened as he found himself back in that forest, her body snapped back so she stared right up at him. He didn’t dare blink, digging the reins into his palms as the trees became buildings and people once again.
I don’t even have her cloak for him.
“Before she sees me, I wanted to talk to you.” Petra’s father pulled a letter from his pocket. “She sent me this letter. She mentioned that you respected her abilities enough to let her join your squad.”
A tendril of pain spread from his leg to his chest.
“That she was going to devote herself to you. Well, I guess she’s too starry-eyed to consider how her father feels!” He laughed, the sound not unlike Petra’s own.
Hardly call her starry-eyed. She’s my friend. And besides, Hange already mouthed off about Erwin and I in front of their squad and mine.
Was…
That tendril of pain wrapped itself around his heart. He attempted to come up with the words, but his mouth wouldn’t move, wouldn’t do anything, as if it was completely out of his control, just like everything else—
“Well, as her father, I think it’s too early for her to marry. She’s still so young, with so much to experience…”
An outcry of demands for answers surged through the crowds of Karanes, Erwin’s name in their clutches. Miche and his squad moved up ahead to keep any unstable persons from Erwin, the Commander’s ocean-sky eyes frozen over like ice, that look the same as the one he’d worn every disastrous mission, though his shoulders seemed to sag more, the totality of the situation trying to drag him into the earth. That expression pulled his attention back to the man walking beside him.
He still stared right ahead, pausing in his steps. Petra’s father halted beside him, his brow furrowing slightly, picking at the skin around his nails. He didn’t dare face the older man.
“Sir, Petra gave her life defending new recruit Eren Jaeger from an unexpected threat today. She fought bravely. I’m honored to have had her in my squad.”
Earth-shattering silence ripped through the world. The other man’s eyes began to shine, his lip wobbling. “I’m sorry, sir.”
“Why didn’t you save her?! You’re her Captain, Humanity’s Strongest—” The man broke off into a sob. His weeping seemed to swallow up all of the other sounds in the city. His legs wavered as he tucked away the letter. His hands moved to cover his face, his knees hitting the pavement.
I shouldn’t have filled up on gas. I shouldn’t have left them—
In the distance, he spotted Eld’s wife, her gaze already fixed on him and Petra’s father. Olou and Gunther’s parents stood with her, squinting at them.
He squatted down beside the other man as he wept, gritting his teeth as another flame threatened to swallow his heart again. “Did you—?”
“No. Many bodies never made it back today. I’m afraid Petra’s was among them.”
I gave the order.
The man retrieved the letter once again, his tears staining the paper. “So this… Is all I have left of her?”
He couldn’t answer that. Instead, he began walking forward to the other families once again, the constant burning in his nerves doing nothing to steady him for the other attempts at condolences.
He limped into his quarters, shutting the door behind him so as to muffle the sounds of the infirmary and the grief that place brought. He pulled the three sigils— Eld, Gunther, and Oluo— from his pocket, his thumb running over the embroidered wings. He staggered into the half-empty space, a thin layer of dust sitting upon the floor, not unlike the way the blood of his squad sat on the forest floor. He placed the sigils in an ornate, black and gold box, designed for a large stash of jewelry, alongside Furlan’s. He let the lid click shut as he moved towards the chair. Gracelessly, he practically fell into the cushioned seat, hanging his head low. His eyes trained on the forming silvery dust on the floor, the backs of them blazing brighter and hotter than his nerves, his chest heaving under the weight that the air had suddenly gained.
His fingers fiddled with the harness of his gear, dumb fingers moving stupidly over the stupid fucking buckle of the fucking shoulder strap—
A soft, familiar knock pierced the deafening silence. “Come in,” he heard himself say, though his throat was too thick to feel the words.
The door swung open, Erwin standing there, his gaze, still half-frosted, flicking over to him. He hesitated— though hardly anyone would call that short of a pause more than a blink— before finally saying something.
“I saw you talking to Eld’s wife earlier. I’m assuming by the fact that Miche had to pull her off of you that she didn’t take it too well?”
Don’t you two have any human feelings at all?
Of course we do.
He rolled his eyes, his hand instinctively moving to the blooming soon-to-be bruise on his cheek. “Are you serious?” He stood up, gritting his teeth as he made his way to the door, mumbling about checking on Eren, though he couldn’t quite be sure what he actually said.
A firm, warm hand wrapped itself around his wrist. “Ackerman and Arlert are with him. He’s understandably shaken, but he’ll be okay. He has the 104th.” Erwin craned his neck down to look at him. “I know you’re strong, but I still need to take a look at any wounds she might’ve given you.”
He yanked his hand away, stalking back towards the chair. “Erwin, I’m fine—” As he took another step, his ankle cried out in pain, and his body halted, as if completely out of its own control. He grimaced.
Fuck.
The door shut behind Erwin as he made his way to his side. “You’re hurt.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Ackerman said it looked like you might’ve landed wrong—”
“Fuck off, Erwin.”
“Levi, look at me. ”
Levi obeyed the command, the pricking sensation in his eyes building. Erwin cupped his face with his hand, cautious around the bruise Eld’s wife had given him. “You’re not going anywhere until I’ve taken a look at you, understood?”
He nodded, sitting down slowly. His limbs turned to lead as Erwin expertly fussed with the harness, letting it drop onto the floor next to them. Levi didn’t have it in him to complain as he lifted his shirt over his head. Erwin scanned him, only spotting red marks that were sure to hurt the next day from the earlier outburst. Not that Levi had done anything to defend himself.
He was supposed to come home. They were all supposed to come home.
Levi slipped his shirt back on, shivering slightly. Erwin looked down at Levi’s boots, eyebrows furrowing intensely, that constipated look. He wordlessly lifted Levi’s left leg, watching his face for reaction. Levi winced again, the motion sending a wave of fire through his nerves.
“Levi, I’m going to take your boot off, okay?” He just nodded, squeezing his eyes shut as Erwin began to tug the boot away. He let out a low hiss of pain through his teeth, nausea rippling through him as his ankle was finally exposed.
“Levi.”
He opened his eyes, frowning at the sight. His ankle was clearly inflamed, swollen to the size of a small grapefruit. Erwin gingerly touched it, sending spots through Levi’s vision as he let out a quiet whimper.
Pathetic.
“Levi, you should’ve gone right to the infirmary, or one of the medics in the carts. And you walked on this? What were you thinking? Were you trying to punish yourself—?” Erwin cut himself off, his usual tact forgotten in the scolding. Levi recognized it for what it was.
Concern. Unnecessary, wasted on someone who didn’t deserve it. Not after today. Not after what he let happen.
“You can’t fight like this. You’ll only cause more damage— permanent damage. I’m going to get you some ice, and then I’ll be right back.”
Levi opened his mouth in retort, but the words died on his lips as he caught a glimpse of Erwin’s face. A genuine, transparent look of sadness. Levi just stared at him. He’d never seen such an obvious look from him.
Erwin slipped out of the room, leaving Levi to leave his foot elevated on the table. His hands shook slightly as he blinked for the first time in a long time, and that’s when it all hit him again.
Broken spines, blood splattered everywhere. Eld’s body in two. Gunther hanging from the tangled cables of his 3D Manuver Gear. Oluo laying face down in the dirt. Petra staring up at the sky.
Something hot dripped down his cheek. He hated this, this loss of control, this failure, this choking rot of his heart, all because he didn’t get there fast enough—
Something cold pressed against his ankle. He jerked away, gasping as the flames of pain collided with the chill of the ice. Erwin’s other hand held Levi’s thigh, preventing him from moving.
His head pulsed as something crawled out of his throat and spat itself out in the form of a hitching breath. A sob rolled through him, his fists gripping the fabric of the cushion, his vision blurring.
“I couldn’t save them. They were already—” Another sob cut him off, the white of his pants stained with tears.
“I know.”
“I shouldn’t have left them—”
“I ordered you too,” Erwin countered, moving the ice slightly. Levi hardly noticed, his chest aching, his head reeling as another cry threatened to tear through him.
“I could’ve gone faster. I could’ve gotten there, maybe not fast enough for Gunther, but the others—”
A warm, steady presence made its way into Levi’s face, arms wrapping around him. Another sob crashed through him, his fist clutching onto the fabric of Erwin’s shirt. “They were my squad, and they died because of—”
Familiar fingers carded through the strands of his hair. “Levi, look at me.” He did as he was told, shuddering as he saw those piercing eyes gaze into him, the crease of his brow reminding him of his state. “None of this was your fault. There was no way we could’ve gotten to Eren before the Female Titan. Whoever was inside had a head start. You did not get them killed.”
His chest heaved. His heart clenched, his fists falling to his sides. All of his energy seemed to dissipate as he sucked in a struggling breath, trying to mimic Erwin’s own. One hand slipped back to the ice, holding it against his ankle, the other rubbing small circles on his back.
They fell into a strange silence, neither of them quite sure what to say. Levi felt surprise grab at his mind— Erwin always had something to say— but he didn’t make any remark of it. Instead, he let Erwin hold the ice until the swelling went down enough where Erwin pulled out the bandages. Between Levi’s quiet curses and half-restrained groans, Erwin whispered apologies, but still continued nonetheless. Once satisfied with his work, he stood and pressed a kiss to Levi’s hair. He made his way to the leave, only to pause.
Levi felt his hand instinctively wrap around his wrist, his brain cursing him fruitlessly. He found that he couldn’t find the words to say, his tongue refusing to say those damned words, so instead, he just looked up at Erwin, right into that sky blue gaze.
Erwin sat down next to him, gently drawing Levi into his arms. Levi pressed a kiss to the inside of Erwin’s arm, nestling his ear against Erwin’s heartbeat.
“You know this doesn’t mean you can go out on the field anytime soon, right?”
Levi sighed. “Unfortunately. What are you going to do without me?”
Erwin laughed quietly. “I’ve been on plenty of missions without you, you know.” A beat. “Please don’t do that again.”
“Do what?”
“Punish yourself for something that wasn’t your fault?”
Levi nodded, but both knew that neither of them had ever been good about that. Especially Levi. But in that moment of quiet, Levi allowed for the exhaustion to finally send him to sleep, even as the ghosts of the day waited for him.
He knew they didn’t blame him.