Archive of Our Own ^beta

Cartman plopped into his seat in health class and pulled out his phone before class as Ms.Choksondik was writing on the whiteboard. She looked over her shoulder at Cartman.

"Eric."

He didn't seem to hear her as he was focused on a text he was writing to Butters.

"Eric Cartman." She said more firmly.

He glanced up at her and blinked at the board at the weird looking diagram on the board of a vulv- OH. That was today. Oh fuck. The bell rang.

"The boys are supposed to meet in Mr.Mackey's class today, Eric," she explained, "Remember?"

He gaped at her trying to find his words. He could feel Wendy glaring at him, a lot of the girls were. Fuck. Fuck. Why hadn't he pretended he was sick today. His stomach flipped. Did they already forget? How could they forget something like this??

"Um- I'm not male Ms.Choksondik, I'm an intersex male."

"Oh. Well. You're a boy so."

"So?"

"So just go to Mr.Mackey and ask him what to do." She said in a rush.

As he stood up he glanced at the diagram of a vulva on the wall and diagram showing breast development over time. He wondered how big his boobs would get. His chest had gotten so tender and swollen lately and had complained about it alot when he played outside with his friends. He knew he was going to develop breasts eventually but the change still surprised him.

"But- I-."

"Cartman, just get out of here already!" Wendy yelled out.

He glared at her, "Shut up bitch!"

"Cartman!" Choksondik scolded.

"Alright alright!" He gathered up his things and walked over to Mr.Mackey's room. He remembered the first day of health class. He recalled looking over the class overview and asking when they would be talking about intersex variations. There weren't any lessons planned to talk about it. He had flipped through his heath textbook and looked for intersex. It wasn't in the glossary. All he could find was a paragraph about erectile dysfunction and PCOS.

Lame.

He walked into Mr.Mackey's class and saw all the boys sitting on the floor looking at the teacher with bananas and condoms in hand.

"What the fuck." Cartman mumbled to himself.

"You're late." Mr.Mackey said as he entered.

"I didn't know where I was supposed to go."

"Ms.Choksondik made it very clear, males are to report to my class and females-"

"I'm intersex! Remember!?" He spat out and threw his backpack down.

"Oh yes that's right. . ." Mr.Mackey mumbled sheepishly. It had only been three months ago since Cartman discovered he was intersex and told the entire school about it. How could anyone forget it? He made a huge fucking deal about it. He had claimed his body was absolute proof that he was a god, because wasn't it obvious?

"So what the fuck am I supposed to do!?" Cartman threw his arms out at Mr.Mackey.

"Language!" The old man rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Just, sit in for this lesson for now, mkay?"

"Whatever."

He took a banana and condom from Mr.Mackey and sat next to Kenny who was eating his banana, to Mr.Mackey's disappointment.

"Dude you don't even have a pingus, why are you in here? You should be in the other room learning about your uterus and shit," he whispered to Kenny.

"Fuck that." He said and took the banana into his throat and bobbed at it.

"Dude gross! Quit it! You're gonna choke!" He said with disgust.

"Kenny! Eric! Hush!"

Kenny giggled before gagging aimlessly on the floor.

"Told ya. Idiot."

Clyde tried to help Kenny as Mr.Mackey casually carried on like normal

"Now when your body gets aroused by sexual imagery your body will have what you'd call an erection, mkay?"

Kyle and Stan were nearby giggling at the word.

Cartman raised his hand.

"Eric, please let me finish."

"Yeah I already know about condoms. I've practiced on a banana at home with a condom in my mouth and everything." Mr.Mackey was going to ask about it but he carried on before he could, "I just don't think this lesson will be applicable for me so I'm gonna go over nyah," he stood up and pointed at the door.

"Eric please sit down! This is very important."

Cartman plopped on the floor and whined. He glanced over at Kenny who had stopped moving and looked kinda blue.

He rolled his eyes at him and looked back at Mr.Mackey.

"When you get an erection, blood rushes to the penis and that blood causes the penis to get firm, mkay."

Cartman raised his hand. Mr.Mackey sighed.

"Yes Eric?" He said flatly. Today was going to be a long day.

"What if I don't get an erection?"

"I don't know."

"Oh so fuck me I guess."

"Cartman just let him finish!" Kyle yelled.

"I'm sorry for trying to learn how to have safe sex!!" Cartman shouted back, louder.

"Boys! Please!"

Stan raised his hand, "Does the dude getting fucked in the ass still need to wear a condom too or-"

"No Stan, only the penis entering the anus needs the condom." Mr.Mackey explained, tiredly.

"Oh."

"This is stupid!" Cartman yelled out and threw his condomed banana onto the floor.

"Eric!" He took a deep breath, "why don't you believe this lesson applies to you?"

"Because."

"Because. . . ?"

"Well, you see. I- I don't have any balls so I don't see the point of being in here." He mumbled quietly and fidgeted with his hands, looking at the floor.

"I didn't catch what you said?"

"BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS OK?!" He yelled. He blinked and looked around the room. The entire class was now staring at him. Jimmy couldn't help laughing. Then soon enough more boys laughed with him.

"Fuck you guys!!"

"Okay class, settle down! It's not nice to laugh at something like that, mkay? Eric is just a little different, no big deal."

He looked at Cartman.

"It's more complicated than just avoiding teen pregnancy. Condoms are useful for safe sex. Understand Eric?"

"So if I ever had a date with a chick and she wanted to bang? What would I do?"

"I- I'm sorry Cartman I don't know what to tell you."

Cartman looked up at him, holding back tears. He was pissed. He sat back down and tried to pretend he was listening. He looked at the diagram of "male" anatomy on the wall. The skinny looking male with perfectly broad shoulders, a "normal" looking penis that was 5 inches long with two perfectly sized balls, plenty of body hair on his legs and face, skinny hips, sharp chin, and a flat chest.

His body didn't match up to that image at all. His chest wasn't firm or flat, it was squishy and tender and weird. His hips were curvy and had been described as "feminine" by older boys. He almost looked like a boy but just almost. He didn't match up right. But when he looked at the charts for girl anatomy he didn't match up perfectly either. He thought his body was beautiful and special and maybe it was a little big boned but so what? Why did he have to get treated like he was born with a disease? He was a god trapped in this beautiful flesh that mortals were too stupid to understand. He rubbed his eyes and stared at the floor, imagining the day all would understand his glory.

He walked out of class with Stan and Kyle chasing behind him.

"Dude! Are you okay?" Kyle asked.

"No the hell I'm not!!" He screamed out. "Mr.Mackey humiliated me in front of the entire class!! What a fucking dick!!" As he spoke tears slowly fell from his eyes.

"You seriously don't have balls? Like at all? Did they fall off or something?" Asked Stan.

Kyle jabbed Stan with his shoulder.

Cartman crossed his arms, "I don't get it. They're supposed to give me special treatment! There should be an entire lesson about my body and how it's perfectly healthy the way it is!! It's not fair! No one listens to me! I'm never included in conversations about the human body or sex! I'm so ostracized like- it's like they think I'm disgusting. . ." He furrowed his eyes.

"Cartman. . ." Kyle touched his shoulder.

"It's not rare to be intersex ya know. I'm not a minority!!" He shouted at Kyle

"I know! I know! Jeez." Kyle threw up his hands.

"Well, then why the hell is everyone acting like I am the minority?" His voice shook. "I don't like it."

Kyle sighed with a wince.

"Minorities aren't actually the minority, are they?"

"No shit genius." Kyle scoffed.

"Lame. Fucking lame." Cartman blinked back tears but they kept falling from his face. "I'm a mother fucking god. I'll prove it. I'll fucking prove it to them all."

"Cartman you're not a god!"

He scowled at Kyle.

"But you're not disgusting either. It sucks. It really does suck that schools don't teach about kids with weird bodies. It sucks that adults don't get you. You have every right to be upset."

"But?" Cartman asked, believing he was getting at something.

"I don't know. It just sucks dude."

Cartman rubbed his eyes.

"Cmon you'll feel better once you eat fatass." He pulled at the arm of Eric's sweater and tugged at him to move. Eric followed him, slouched. His bones felt so sore and he felt all bloated and weird.

"Puberty is so gay." Eric mumbled.

"Puberty is pretty gay." Kyle said in agreement.