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Aimlessly listless and with no resolve I tread my road without hope nor vision of tomorrow.
I look upon you and see only a faceless sea of bodies lining up the jury gallery. The light is graying instead of white and I am dizzy but not in pain.
To wonder why I am here is to wonder why one died of asphyxiation.
It is pointless and moot.
The court in session is for neither guilt nor innocence. It is simply a vindication of my person as I wallow in my misery unable to escape the clutches of dread that wells up in my lungs and in my throat.
The judge is a mirror, the wardens too, and all of them glowering down on me like I was the biggest mistake anyone could ever hope to avoid making made manifest.
I know where it all went wrong. When it all went wrong. I hope not for forgiveness for I will never give it myself, what hopes would be entitled to a sinner like me, engaged in an entropic cycle of despair and apathy, that I could ever be given the opportunity to be truly joyous once more.
The words on the screen depict wondrous details that encapsulate my mind in a daydream unending and unyielding to any outside interference, bowing only to the sight or lackthereof the next chapter button. From adventures to drama to scary visions and melodic tunes this book that I read is one filled with many a distractions from the overflowing sense of danger threatening to consume my own self whole.
I beg the skies above and the gods of love and awe and joy to rain blessings on my greying life once more.
I yearn for the freedom of Lady Death's embrace, that I may be seen as a coward and yet be unable to make myself muster up the energy, as responding would take away my pleasure filled embrace.
The future is shrouded in a thick veil of void, with holes that allow sight of only other people's future, and I am blind to my desired world. Where can the world lay rest, unbothered by the screams and shouts of someone lusting for attention to be given at the tap of a screen.
I am ashamed
and yet i change not
i simply acknowledge my lacking
the future is unkind to those who dont strive to reach out for it
i have been bashed away by it and not once did i think to grab hold of its wrist as it pulled away
i was too concerned with the things id been losing to care and frustrated by my voluntary powerlessness that id simply thought not of the future but of the now
rather of the yesteryears that past me was too apathetic to see and savor completely
anger floods my heart and my eyes threaten to wet with tears burning away at the exposed miniscule meat in my eye sockets
let lightning strike me down gods id know id deserve to burn in eternal damnation and still i wish for a different life
could the carny come to town today and give me a free ticket please
i just wish to distract myself from this courtroom in my mind and the chained cuffs on my heart
i want to run away and cease to be
no more concern for the future, my body, nor autonomy
let me fly away like a dust particle
scrounge up some meagre bits of hope still stuck in my stomach and throw it up
empty me like a display and embalm my living corpse
i am not free
and yet i am free to be
so i choose not to be free
not free to be me
i dont know who to be
who i want to be
let me just be me
even when i say that theres no me to be
and the final hours pass
the court empties and it is dark and cold
i stand alone in the defendants stand
my head thrown down in a slouch as my spine bends like bamboo
facing the floor as my hand leans on the stand rail
what i would do to be able to escape this eternal entropic cycle of pain apathy shame and fear and rage and guilt
i wish to be free
please someone
set me free
i just want to finally be
to spend the remaining years of my life just being happy
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplaesepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease