Chapter Text
Harry barely had a moment to take a breath over the next two days. If he was not in the kitchen helping Mary, he was escorting people to and from town. It was grueling work, but it kept his mind occupied as well as his body. After his first encounter with Louis, Harry had learned that letting his mind wonder was something he could not do. He was but a boy when he realized he preferred thinking of other boys instead of girls. He’d learned shortly thereafter to keep his preferences to himself. He was twelve when he saw two men beaten to death in the town square for what his father called inappropriate behavior. Harry never spoke of his feelings; never even allowed himself to imagine for his own thoughts. Until now.
Any time he was alone with his thoughts they went to one thing, Louis. He’d always been beautiful, even when they had met as children. It had been one dinner during a weekend stay at the estate and Harry had been thankful every time since that Louis was off at school.
Now that he was here, so close, and mentioned thoughts along the same lines. It was like an infection eating away at Harry’s brain. It was all he could think about. Knowing that someone may see him the same way, feel the same way. Any time he was not actively involved in thinking of something else his brain would start to produce images of what he most secretly wanted. But, it could not be done. It was too dangerous. Louis was engaged and his intended would be arriving tomorrow with her family.
Even if they didn’t get caught, it would still be a horrid thing to do. Louis’ fiancé deserved a faithful companion. Not that he thought Louis would be unfaithful. He seemed like a much more respectable and kind man than his father. He’d apologized for his forwardness and had not done anything inappropriate since. Harry just needed to get his mind, and his body, to understand that.
He stood at the stall of the palomino mare and watched her as she grazed on the extra hay he had given her when he arrived. He in a sense had the night off. John had brought bunchof entertainers on to the estate for the evening. There was to be music, magicians, dancers, and possibly even fireworks if he’d heard correctly. There was also food from town being delivered so Mary didn’t need him in the kitchen.
He’d not thought twice before heading to the stables. It had quickly become a place of solace for him. The simple chores kept him busy but the horses asked nothing of him. In the past few days he’s become fast friends with Niall. Luckily Harry had not had to help serve anymore but they had taken their quick meals together and traded stories of the guests.
Niall had even promised to take him to the pub in town and introduce him to a few of the other lads he’d met. He felt they would all like Harry and could become friends as well. Just a few more days and the celebrations would be over. A few more days and the guests would leave. A few more days and the estate would return to its normal patterns and everyone to their normal duties and Harry could begin to figure out this existence that would be his life.
He had no plans to ever leave the estate. As long as his mother was here he would remain. He had no notion of finding a girl and fooling her into and sham of a marriage. Being with anyone he could actually love was out of the question. Harry was confident he could find a life of purpose here in the stables. He could work and watch over his family. He was a man of no means and no money. He was the throw away bastard of an unknown man. No one would question his solitude and for that he was strangely grateful.
A knock came from the stable door and brought Harry out of his darkening thoughts. He smiled when he saw Niall. “I didn’t want to scare you.”
“I appreciate it. Is there something I can help you with?” Niall had never come to the stables before.
“Some of the house servants are going to climb the wall of the south garden. It should give a decent view of the stage the performers have built. I was wondering if you would like to come.”
It didn’t take any time for Harry to make up his mind. He’d been surrounded by the hustle and bustle of too many people for several days now. A few hours in peace seemed like too much of a gift to give up. “Thanks for the invitation but I think I’m just going to rest. I’m sure tomorrow will be another hectic day.”
An hour or so after all the guests and most of the servants went to the south gardens, Harry felt his stomach start to rumble. He’d not eaten much the past few days because he was either too busy or too tired. He figured sneaking into the kitchen while everyone was away wasn’t necessarily stealing. John had said he could work for room and board. His meals were to come with that.
He found the kitchen to be almost pleasant again, now that all the burners weren’t running, and he wasn’t being yelled at by Mary and three other maids. A quick look in the cabinets and ice box gave Harry enough ingredients for a decent meal even if it was a bit thrown together. He’d found some slices of roast beef and a hunk of cheese in the ice box. After he’d made himself a sandwich with the bread Mary made sure to bake every morning, he found a few grapes and even strawberries she must have had left over.
He was about to take his first bite when he heard someone walk in through the door behind him. Harry jumped up so fast he almost knocked his chair over as he swiveled around. He stood wide eyed staring at Louis as he jumped back as if he too were frightened.
He held out both hands in front of himself. “Sorry, I didn’t know anyone else was here.”
Harry righted himself and cleared his throat. “I didn’t either. I thought everyone went to see the show.” He looked down at his sandwich and didn’t know whether it would be considered rude to begin eating now. “Can I get you anything….. my lord?” The words didn’t really feel right coming off his tongue, but he’d never actually said them to anyone before.
“Oh please, don’t start with that shit!” Harry felt his stomach jump into his throat until he saw the side of Louis’ mouth tip up in a grin. “I am no one’s Lord or Master. Please, it’s just Louis, and to answer your question I can fix my own sandwich. If you don’t mind me sitting with you.”
Harry gave one shrug of his shoulder and then sat back down. He did move his plate to the other side of the small table so that he could now see the door leading to the rest of the house as well as the one leading outside. He watched Louis as he moved around the kitchen with the ease of someone who had done it before. It was a little off putting. Harry assumed people who had servants never learned to do for themselves. He watched as Louis opened one of the tall cabinets and then looked back at him.
“Mary always keeps a jar of pickles hidden behind that big bag.” He pointed to the shelf that was just out of his reach. “Do you mind?” He looked a little embarrassed, but Harry just gave him an easy smile and he made his way over.
Once the jar was opened and they each had two, Louis brought his plate to sit across from Harry. They both dug in and Harry thought they would most likely eat in silence until Louis spoke. “Why didn’t you go to the show?”
Harry chewed for a second before he answered. Louis looked up from his own plate with eyes that said he was afraid of being ignored. “I just wanted some quiet time. Things have been so crazy around here this week. I didn’t feel like all the noise.”
“Oh, sorry to intrude. I can go.” Louis went to stand up.
Harry held out a hand to halt him. “It’s fine. I didn’t mean it like that.” Louis sat down and took another bite of his sandwich. “Besides, not sure I can kick you out of your own kitchen.” Harry meant it as a joke but the way Louis’ eyes clouded over said that he didn’t take it as one.
“Not my kitchen mate. I want no claim to anything here.” He didn’t meet Harry’s eyes as he spoke.
“Oh.” They ate until they each only had a bite or two left. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but it wasn’t really comfortable either. He searched his brain for something to say, just to ease the silence. “So, you must be excited. I heard your fiancé will be here tomorrow.” Louis didn’t even have to speak for Harry to know he’d said the wrong thing. Just the tension that overtook his body was enough to say he was not excited at all. “I mean….. well I meant..I assumed you missed her. Do you not like….. um never-mind.” Harry didn’t know how to fix it, so he just wanted to shut up before he made things worse.
Louis gave him a sad smile. “It’s alright.” He took one last bite of pickle then stood up to grab his and Harry’s plates. He didn’t even bat a lash when Harry tried to stop him. It simply wasn’t right that Louis wait on him when Harry was the servant. With a deep sigh Louis looked up from the sink where he began to rinse off the plates. “Sabrina is a nice enough girl. A little spoiled due to being her parents only child. She’s pretty, she’s well read. We talk about books a lot when we are alone.” There was almost no emotion in Louis’ words. It was like he’d rehearsed a speech and he was just trying to get through it.
“Louis.” Harry went to stand beside him. He knew he couldn’t touch him, but he felt like the smaller boy needed some comfort.
Louis looked up at him with shining eyes that looked like they were ready to spill over. “She deserves better.” He lurched a bit as a sob tried to break out of him and he held it back. He put his damp hand to his shaking lips. “Sorry.” He cleared his throat as he rounded his shoulders. He made sure to pay extra attention to drying his hands after finishing the plates then wiping off the counter top. He did everything possible to keep from looking at Harry.
“Louis.” Harry didn’t know what he was asking for, but he felt the need for something to be said.
Louis squared himself and looked up at Harry with a boldness in his eyes if not exactly anger. “What? I’m sure I’ve given you enough to put the puzzle together. I’m not going to spell it out for you.” He moved around Harry and headed for the door to go back into the house.
“Louis.”
He spun around at the sound of his name. “What Harry? What do you want from me?”
Harry knew Louis wasn’t really mad at him. He was just caught in a war with his own reality and he needed to let out the frustration somehow. “Would you like to go for a swim?”
They didn’t talk as they made their way down the path that Harry had taken a few days before. The day had been warm and the sun was just starting to set. They should have about an hour or so before the night would get too cold to enjoy. Once again they didn’t bother with towels or anything. They simply shucked off their clothes down to their pants and jumped in at the same time.
“Jesus Christ!” Louis was shaking as he bounced up out of the water. “I forgot how cold this was.” He looked at Harry. “You do this for fun?”
Harry swam on his back towards the middle of the stream. “You’ll get used to it. Just move around a little.”
“How do you move? I feel frozen solid.” Louis grumbled but there was a small smile on his face.
Harry turned towards him. “I can pull you along if you like.” He grabbed Louis’ wrist and pulled him through the water with ease.
Louis grinned. “I don’t think that helped.”
Harry lined them up until the tops of Louis’ shoulders were pressed to his chest. With his arms wrapped underneath Louis’, he swam backwards a few strokes until he needed to touch bottom to keep them from sinking. “How about this?” He’d had no intention of touching Louis like this and now that he’d started he didn’t know if he could stop. His voice came out a little strained with the effort to control himself.
Louis pulled away reluctantly and turned to face Harry. “I think I’ll be alright.” They swam for a few minutes. Harry lay on his back and watched the sky fade from blue to bright pink to deep purple.
He stood up and saw Louis a little distance away also looking up at the sky. He was on his back and his chest and stomach bobbled along in the water as he floated. Harry was thankful he was covered from his waist down. “It’ll be night soon we should probably get back. Don’t want you catching a cold or anything.” He made his way up the bank back to his clothes.
He heard Louis sloshing around behind him. “Damn, I was just getting used to it.” He gave Harry a bright smile as he walked by to his own clothes. Harry could almost feel Louis’ eyes roaming the side of his body but he tried not to acknowledge it past the pink blush spreading across his neck and face.
They were half wayback to the house. In the next few steps Harry would veer off and make his way to his room in the stables. He was almost sad for their moment to end. He knew he’d most likely never get another one.
Suddenly Louis stopped and looked down at himself. “I can’t go inside like this.” He looked at the mud and grass beginning to crust around his feet and ankles. “Agatha will have my hide for certain.” Harry had only met the head maid once since they’d been on the estate. She was definitely someone he wouldn’t want to make mad.
He nodded towards the stables. “Come in the horses won’t mind if you bring in a little extra grass.” Harry felt only slightly self-conscious when he opened the door to his room. He hoped it looked as nice to Louis as it did to him. It was large for a stable room, definitely larger than his room back in their apartment. He had enough room for double bed in the corner. Paul’s wife had given him a warm quilt and two pillows she said Paul said we’re too fluffy. At the end of the bed was his trunk that was filled with every possession he owned till this point, mostly books and a few pictures his siblings had drawn him over the years. There was one family photo that his mum made sure he kept. He didn’t want to display it in case someone walked in and saw it, but he looked at it almost every day. There was a small table with two strait back chairs. Harry knew it was meant for him to eat at, but he used it mostly as a work station when he needed to fix a harness or something for the horses. There was one soft reading chair in the corner across from the bed. Harry liked to sit there and read if he had a moment before bed. There hadn’t been many. The opposite side of the room held cabinets and a countertop with a wash basin set on top. There was a wardrobe where Harry kept his few clothes and the two towels and wash cloths Paul’s wife had also given him. The last corner of the room was taken up by a small wood oven. Paul had told him it was mostly used for heat in the winter but he could also warm his bath water or cook small meals with it.
Harry placed the battered kettle he’d found on top as he stoked the embers to life and added a couple small pieces of wood. The night had turned chilly and he knew he’d be miserable if he didn’t warm up soon. When the kettle sounded off he poured the basin half full before turning to Louis. “It’s nothing fancy like you’re used to, but it will take the chill off and clean up the mud.”
Louis made his way to the basin almost sheepishly. “Thank you.” Harry could tell his teeth were starting to chatter and he was trying to stop it. Harry turned to his wardrobe and pulled out a shirt that was too small for himself. “You can borrow…… oh god!” He turned around and placed his back towards Louis. “I’m so sorry.” When Harry had looked over he’d gotten an eye full of Louis standing by the stove completely naked. He’d been bent over washing the mud from his legs and had given Harry a full view of his backside.
Louis raised up and looked at Harry. “Sorry mate. I didn’t mean to upset you. Living with the other lads at Uni, I got used to this sort of thing.”
“Oh of course. It’s nothing. You can continue and I’ll just be over here.” Harry laid the shirt over the back of the chair and turned back to his wardrobe. “You can put the shirt on if you like. It’s clean at least.” He stayed in the same spot until he heard Louis walk across the room.
“Thank you.” Harry turned to face him as he was pulling the shirt over his back. His trousers were back on but his feet were still bare and Harry could see his pants were in a pile on the floor with his shirt and socks. The thought of Louis going bare under his trousers was a thought Harry couldn’t afford to have right now. Louis quirked an eye brow towards him. “Are you going to stay in those clothes all night?”
Harry looked down and realized he himself was still in his that were still soaked from the stream. “Right, I need to take care of that.” He poured the rest of the hot water into his basin and began to wash himself. He didn’t know if Louis was watching or not but he didn’t have any choice when it came to his pants. He couldn’t leave them on. He shucked them and washed as quick as he ever had. He had his own trousers up and buttoned before he turned around to face Louis.
He knew right away that Louis had in fact watched him. The boy was looking at a book of poetry by his bedside just a little too intensely to be natural. “Do you like poetry?”
Louis looked up as if he’d been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. “Hmmm oh, no. No, I never grew a fondness for it. You?”
Harry gave a shrug and a half grin. “I don’t understand a lot of it.” He raised his hand and started playing with one of the curls in his hair that had grown too long. “I had a stutter as a child. My dad had me read the poems out loud and practice saying the words. I liked the way they sounded and the way it felt to say them. Sometimes I read them and remember the times we had when he helped me.”
Louis looked at him wistfully. “It must be nice. I don’t think I have one memory of my father ever saying a kind word to me, let alone teaching me anything.” He straightened up and looked around. “I guess I should be getting back to the house. I should get some rest before tomorrow.”
He went to pass Harry to reach the door, but before he could grab the handle he was pulled back and turned around. Before he could react, Louis felt Harry pressed up against him chest to chest. In an instant their lips were attached. It was a crushing sloppy kiss, and it took Louis’ breath away. He made to grab at the back of a Harry’s neck and pull him in closer when Harry stepped back, his lips bruised red and his eyes wild. “I’m sorry I’m so so sorry. Please don’t tell anyone. I’ll never, I’ll never touch you again. Just please, don’t say…..”
Louis grabbed him once again and pulled him into another kiss. This one was just as frantic as the first. It was more a battle of tongues and teeth than a proper kiss. Before things could go too far, Louis pulled back. He left his hand on the side of Harry’s face and looked into his eyes as they both caught their breath. “Why?”
Harry looked down for a moment before returning to look in Louis’ eyes. His words come out in short pants as if he’s been running. “I… I didn’t want to regret missing the opportunity. Why did you kiss me back?”